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#when barely anything sparks joy it is hard everything feels hard
one-way-dream · 2 years
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oughg sorry
#was able to cry a little for the first time in weeks and it worked for a bit but now im. feeling kinda wack again#wish my depression could let me do things to get feelings out but i had to be cursed w executive dysfunction#biting and killing and maiming#i dont want to be whiny about it but aughfhffnghd#when barely anything sparks joy it is hard everything feels hard#i am tired of waking up like this but i don't really. have a right to complain#everything just makes me retreat further into myself i am tired#i don't really know why but i am#i dont think i was able to get the past year out of my system properly and#i keep having dreams about my sister and i and i keep waking up disturbed or anxious or sick or angry or annoyed#weird ass state of burnout and every day i wake up and go through the exact same cycle of just#trying to keep myself calm until i inevitably shut down from something minor in the afternoon and the intrusive s/h thoughts drive me insane#then the rest of my day is ruined so like a solid 12 hours until i can. be stable-ish again#i cannot even do things to get my mind off of it other than brain numbing shit like lets plays on yt#[shrek voice] they cant even afford therapy#something wrong with me and i cannot rly figure out what or if im being overly sensitive n dramatic about everything#nothing is even Happening irl and things are completely normal and fine for the first time in months snd yet?#jesus christ . WHY.#o|-< oughg#tee.xt#vent /#personal /#sory for farty rocking ill probably delete later if i remember
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rustingcat · 7 months
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"Mmm," Lena moaned, closing her eyes to enjoy the buttery creamy taste filling her taste buds with joy and delight. "This is amazing, Kara!"
"Thank you." Kara smiled proudly. She insisted on making Lena a special home cooked meal after Lena mentioned not eating one in ages. Saying that she deserves to be taken care of for once, and receive a meal specially made for her.
So after a long day at work, Kara surprised her with an invitation to her house and a special pasta dinner. She arrived to see the apartment lights dimmed and the well prepared table with two lit candles that made her heart hammer in her chest.
"You deserve it Lena." She added. "You've been working so hard lately, so really, anytime you want to be spoiled a bit just let me know, and I'll be more than happy to provide." Kara finished with a genuine smile. Lena really couldn't help but melt a little looking at that smile.
"You can't just say stuff like that, Kara. A girl might get used to it." She said with a sly smile. She kept her teasing light and casual, but felt a light blush creeping up her neck.
"Good, then do. You deserve to be happy Lena."
Lena tried to suppress the overflowing warm feeling in her chest. A task that had become a hundred times harder with Kara's choice of words and beautiful smile. She decided to just take another bite.
"Mmm." God it was so good. "Seriously Kara this is probably the best pasta I ever ate in my life. Will you marry me?" She joked as she took another bite full of Kara’s fantastic creamy shrimp pasta. She really couldn't remember the last time she enjoyed pasta this much, any dish really. Kara somehow made exactly what she needed.
Lena opened her eyes to find Kara staring at her with pure shock and a light blush. She wasn't sure how long Kara was staring. Lena was about to note it was a joke when–
"Yes." Kara breathed out. She heard no trace of cynicism in her voice.
Lena swallowed hard. Afraid she might reveal her hand if she said anything. It was her fault really, her and her stupid uncontrollable feelings.
"It was–" she started, standing up in the hopes to shake away the sudden anxiety that settled within her. Her half smile she forced faltered the moment she met Kara's gaze, losing any ability to deny her meaning. "Do you–" she stopped, leaning back on the kitchen island to ground herself. "Do you want to…?" She couldn't finish that sentence.
Kara nodded a few times as she slowly rose up from her chair, stepping closer to Lena. "Yes." She finally said, her voice barely louder than a whisper.
Lena's heart skyrocketed, hammering so fast in her chest she feared she might explode.
"Do you want to marry me?" Kara asked carefully, moving just outside of Lena's space.
Lena nodded, incapable of speech. Absolutely mesmerised by the sheer sincerity in Kara’s eyes.
Kara stepped forward, placing a hand on Lena's hips, her eyes asking for permission. Lena prayed to every god in existence that it was real, that despite everything that had happened in her life, Kara Danvers really just agreed to marry her. To actually marry her.
With a spark of bravery, or perhaps the fear that it was her only chance before the moment disappeared forever, Lena cupped Kara's face as she drew their lips together. She felt the burning rock of anxiety and fear within her slowly dwindle the more Kara kissed her back. Waves of cool relief washed away any last remaining of it in her mind, leaving her with only Kara and her gentle kisses.
They pulled away to finally breathe, staring deeply into each other's eyes. Their new fiancee's eyes?
"Is this real? Are we really doing this?" Lena asked in disbelief. She really hoped with all her heart it wasn't a dream or some kind of hyper realistic day dream she conjured in her mind. Even though it was the more plausible explanation at this point.
"If you want to?" Kara bit her lips, a hopeful smile playing on her lips.
"Yes." Lena finally felt brave enough to say.
Kara's smile grew wider than she thought was possible, before she dived in to steal another kiss.
"I can't believe it actually worked." Kara giggled with relief.
"I know, it– Wait what do you mean worked? What worked?" Lena studied her with suspicion. Where they not…?
"The pasta!" Kara said as if it was sufficient explanation.
"What?" If she was talking about the dish's quality, it was fairly well established by that point.
"I…" she averted her gaze to the floor as her cheeks flushed pink. "I saw this video on Facebook about – umm, about Propose To Me Pasta."
"Propose to me pasta? As in–?"
"Pasta that is so good that the person you're making it to would propose to you." Kara explained quickly. Averting her gaze as if she was a student caught cheating on a test. "Not that I thought it would work, or like, tried to manipulate you or anything. I just kind of… hoped? Or I don't know... " She trailed off.
Lena stared at her for a moment. Despite the ridiculousness of it all, she believed her. She believed Kara found this ridiculous video and had this ridiculous idea set in her mind that led to this not less ridiculous conclusion. An utterly ridiculous ludicrous plan that somehow worked.
"Oh my god, I'm marrying an idiot." Lena looked at her with disbelief.
"No take backs." Kara finally met her gaze. Her lips quivering in an attempt to hold back her giant grin.
And Lena couldn't help it anymore, she laughed. She laughed with shock, she laughed with relief, she laughed with joy, she laughed with love and she just laughed. She couldn't stop, and having Kara join her only made her laugh harder.
Holding her side, Lena finally managed to catch her breath. Although it took her a few more minutes to stop giggling every time she met Kara's eyes.
Lena kissed Kara again. Because she wanted to, because she wanted to let her know she still wanted to marry her, and because she simply could.
"I love you." Lena said as they parted, their foreheads touching. Both content and secured in each other’s space.
"I love you too." Kara smiled back.
"Will you marry me?" Lena asked, biting her bottom lip.
"You already asked." Kara said with a teasing grin.
"It was a shitty proposal." Lena rolled her eyes.
"Well, that's the one you got. I already accepted, so no redos." Kara shrugged.
"I hate you."
"No you don't."
"No I don't."
Lena felt her whole body tingled in warmth and excitement. Her body went through so many intense emotions in a very quick succession, that it was no surprise she was exhausted. Yet, simply existing in Kara’s orbit filled her with so much love, she felt her body re-energised with purified life force.
"What now?" Kara asked.
"Now," Lena smiled before pulling back from their little bubble, grasping Kara's hand as she led her back to the table. "We finish eating this amazing Propose To Me Pasta, then we're gonna wash the plates, then we're gonna prepare for bed and then – if you'd like – I can show you just how much I love you." Lena finished with a sly grin.
Kara swallowed hard before she spoke. "You better finish your pasta quickly before it gets too cold." She said plainly, although Lena could hear the anticipation in her voice.
"Don't rush a girl while she's eating her proposal pasta." Lena was delighted to find the pasta just as delicious as before. She might have to ask Kara to marry her a third time tonight. Who knows? The night was still young.
To send Kudos and get the pasta recipe, visit me on AO3 ;)
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silverameco · 27 days
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War AU - @wolfstarmicrofic - 605 words
CW : implied sexual content (very very tame)
Back when the days were bright, and the smiles were real, and death was a foreign concept, he used to think that time would still during a war. That it would stop. Like a terrible bubble of hard times that would burst once everything was over.
But now, he knew it wasn't like that. Time didn't stop. It kept going, tirelessly, despite everything else. It felt like water flowing through his fingers. He always tried to hold on to it, but he never succeeded. The days went on and on and on and on. Over and over again. Even when each day felt the same, Remus could still feel the time passing. Because each day, the times when they were happy and in love and careless and everything was simple, all of it felt more and more like a faraway memory.
They were trying to keep living. But sometimes, Remus thought maybe they lost it. The spark. The little thing that made them so sure life was worth living. Everything was now surrounded by fear, death, suspicion. It was hard. Going on missions, risking their lives, watching their friends die, waiting to hear good news, but it was bad news more often than not. Remus sometimes feared they didn't even know why they were fighting anymore. Sometimes he also feared they didn't know how to love each other anymore. Just barely how to fear that the other would be snatched away at any moment.
However, somedays, Sirius was there to remind him what hope felt like. That day, he came home from a mission a bit later than he should have. Sirius was anxiously waiting for him. He felt bad for worrying him. But the blinding smile on his lover's face when he openned the door was unmatched. The raw joy and relief made his heart leaped. He couldn't tell who ran to the other, maybe they both did, but it was a matter of seconds before their lips met. Kissing Sirius was always amazing. But at that moment, it was something else entirely. Remus felt like they were sharing their fears, mixing them together to create love and hope.
Those were the good days. There weren't many of them, but they still existed. Because time didn't stop and neither did their undying love for each other. They always came back to this. No matter how unforgiving the war was, in the end they just needed a loving look or a brush of lips to remember how to be together, to crave the intimacy they built over the years.
On that particular good day, they kissed like they forgot how good it could feel. How perfect they were together. How they belonged with each other. Then it was the burning skin of Sirius, the glint in his eyes, the sweet sounds of his moans, the soft feeling of his body against his own, their shaky breaths. It was little things. It was everything. Because through it all, through their love that now felt foolish to doubt, Remus could almost forget the war raging outside their apartment. He could almost forget the nagging fear to lose this. This love, this life with Sirius, but also the love he had for their friends who were more his family than anything else.
But mostly, he could remember why he was fighting ; to not lose this. To get them all through this terrible war and come out safe on the other side. To get the chance to see the bright days and the real smiles again, to learn how to love carelessly again. To feel the spark again.
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demonsandpieohmy · 6 months
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“This ends when you want it to.”
Crowley laughed, and it turned into a pained cough, as he spat out a mouthful of blood onto the pristine white floor of heaven.
“Come on, Aziraphale. You’re gonna have to do better than that.”
“I don’t take any pleasure in hurting you,” Aziraphale said from where he stood over the demon sprawled on the floor, hands bound behind his back.
Crowley rolled onto his side away from Aziraphale. He couldn’t bear to look into those vacant violet eyes. They didn’t belong to the angel he knew. Not anymore.
“You know, I’ve been here before. When we fell they took away most of our memories of heaven, but left just enough of the good ones for it to hurt. To remind us of what we lost. And I remember the joy of creating stars. I remember this bright beautiful little thing came zooming past, and he broke my heart - for the first time, as it would happen - when he told me that everything I had made, everything we were all working so hard on, was going to disappear in only a few thousand years. That’s when I started asking questions, hanging out with the wrong angels. It all gets a bit fuzzy from there.
“But something happened when I was on earth, all that time must have shook things loose, I started remembering something else. Probably because the person the memory was about kept showing up over and over in my life. I was right here in heaven, maybe in this exact room, being tortured by one of the other angels. I didn’t even know what pain was before then, how could angels feel pain? I was so confused, so scared, I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong, when all I wanted was to protect the sacred Creation. I answered all their questions, I didn’t understand why they kept hurting me. I didn’t think I was saying anything wrong. They wanted to know about Lucifer, any plans he had, and I answered everything, because I just wanted to make it stop.
“And then they asked how I found out, how I even knew about Armageddon, because that was supposed to be top secret. So I told my first ever lie. I knew that if I told them the truth, you would end up exactly where I was, and I couldn’t stand the thought of that bright smiling face twisted up in agony. I told them I didn’t remember, which of course they knew wasn’t true, because angels remember everything - well, not everything eh? Not anymore. I didn’t tell them about you though, I never did. Even when they kept at it for days, weeks, who even knows how much time passed, time barely even existed back then.
“And here I am again. Back because of you, aren’t I? Nothing ever changes.”
He rolled back over to face the empty husk of his former friend.
“So believe me when I tell you this, Aziraphale, that I would rather die than tell you anything. Because if I did, I would just be selling you out. I didn’t do it last time, and I won’t do it now.”
Crowley could have sworn he saw a spark of recognition in the angel’s eyes, but it was quickly snuffed out.
“Then let’s continue.”
————
A memory wiped Aziraphale tortures Crowley. Inspired by this and this.
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themsource · 1 year
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Red comforting reader after having a baby please?
Um, since postpartum is an often overlooked thing compared to baby blues I figured I'd write the scene with that kind of scenario in mind. Hope that's okay ^^;
The baby is crying again.
It feels as if they never stop crying.
The sunlight drenches you as you sit on the porch numbly in your chair. You're staring ahead seeing nothing, but hearing everything.
You're tired.
So tired…
The crying stops.
Squeaking metal and the slap of wood signal the arrival of your husband. His voice is ever lax and easygoing as the day you first met.
"hey sweetheart, enjoyin' the view?"
You don't say anything and that's fine, that's fine with him.
You haven't really eaten and haven't showered in days. You can smell yourself, and still that is perfectly fine.
Hard phalanges comb through the tangled mop on your head that you can barely call hair anymore, softly pulling out knots while kneading your scalp in a gentle massage.
Deep Brooklyn echos in your ears, "called my bro, he's willin' ta watch the brat for a few days. give us a bit of a break."
He sounds so affectionate when he says 'brat'. So proud and confident like he's just finished climbing Mt. Everest and stands at it's peek puffing out his chest. It's a pretty picture that normally you'd smile at and maybe tease him a little over.
Only it's nothing, there's no joy sparking inside you or warmth.
You're exhausted.
"How do you do it?" Your voice is a croak from disuse. "How do you handle this?"
He's quiet for a long moment as his hand stills in its petting. You know him well enough that it's obvious he's thinking over his answer, thinking hard as to not say the first and most brash thing that's leapt to his tongue.
Red has had time with you through the years to learn that sometimes the most obvious and clear answer isn't always the right one. Not because you can't handle it, but because sometimes when you pose him a question it's an attempt to examine yourself and your thoughts through interaction. If you looked at him now you know you'd see him with his sockets narrowed in thought, his sharpened teeth gritting and rubbing into each other.
He chuckles. "ya forget i did this already. i raised a tyke once sweetheart."
"...experience? It that it?" You ask.
His hand leaves and heavy footfalls dance across wood as he moves to sit beside you. Even sitting directly on the porch he's at least chest and shoulders above the arm of your chair making it easy to see the soft grin on his face from the corner of your eye.
"'is that it'. heh, plain and simple? yeah it is." Your shoulders sag but he's not done. "not so simple tho? hell naw! it's a nightmare babe. gonna be lotsa sleepless nights and urges to throttle somthin' or jump off a cliff."
Red's grin widens as he covers your limp hand with his. "but it's worth it. that's how i handle it. i think of how that runt will be running around raising hell with other kids as they grow, callin' us to bail their ass outta trouble while pretendin' they ain't full of snot bubbles and tears, and laugh my ass off imagin' how bad i can embarrass them on their wedding day."
It's not strength returning to you persay, that lets you slightly turn your head from the perpetual lock it was in to look at him, but it's something.
"You can picture all that?"
"yeah," his thumb runs over your knuckles. "because i have faith in us, and because i experienced it once already."
Slowly, very slowly a smile inches its way onto your face. "If they turn out anything like Edge I'll blame you."
He smirks.
Your grin falls.
"I'm jealous, Red. I can't see any of that. All I hear is the wailing and feel the frustration when I can't stop it. Suffer the aches from my body and resent how hard getting up in the morning feels."
He's no longer smiling but he's listening. His vermilion colored eyelights are honed on you and attentive as he gives a gentle squeeze of encouragement.
"I…don't know if I can last eighteen years of this." Your voice cracks, and Red is on his feet pulling you from your chair and cradling you in his arms. Tears run and he presses chaste kisses to your forehead for an inordinate amount of time before they finally stop. At the end you're a husk, hollowed out and empty again but clinging to him as he holds you.
"it won't be eighteen years, y'know. six at best, maybe ten. then it's worse…they start talkin'. then you'll wish they went back to cryin' and cooin'. cuz damn— the shit they'll say." He murmurs.
Somehow, that gets a laugh out of you, though you can't feel it there is a genuineness to it you'll recognize later.
"You should be a therapist. You lie real pretty." You mumble.
Red snorts. "not lyin'. just bein' one hell of a copin' mechanism."
You tilt your head up and meet his gaze. It's tender, adoring, even as you sit here being nothing more than a whiny mess. At first you'd thought him an insensitive pervert, but you couldn't have been more wrong. It took time to get Red to feel secure enough to open up but you'd both managed and now here you were.
Married.
Parents.
You suddenly felt as if you could manage.
"If I can deal with your mood swings for the last several years, I guess I can get through this." You whisper dryly, lovingly.
When Red grins it's cocky and hitched, just the way you like it.
He leans in and captures you in a kiss, the words he utters a fervent praise against your lips.
"that's the spirit sweetheart."
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mydigitaldiaryz · 25 days
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Entry Log #4
TW; im not sure at this point . im really just writing whatever sparks up in my mind. i need to clear it up a bit.
My days have been dulling. everything is so boring to me; it's almost insane. ive been losing motivation for everything, ive become to tired; everything that has brought me joy is gone. even when i try to recreate it in any sort of way, nothing happens anymore. it's useless really. all i feel is just this stupid, overwhelming feeling of emotion and disappointment that i can't decipher anymore.
I've been getting into random pills, nothing too bad like drugs, just pills that are bought over-the-counter, just to stop it, have my mind run slower and just think one thought at a time, but I think that ultimitely makes me feel worse, since it just takes a stop to all the depressing things i feel about myself, always my mind telling me to take more. It's so harmful to me and my mental health, always making me far too numb than I already have felt, but it just feels so much more nicer. Like I can't care anymore, whatever happens, whatever I do, I just can't give one singular shit. It has my brain all scrambled so I can't really overthink that hard, which is perfect, since my mind is going to be fuzzy either way.
My favorite pill so far has been Tylenol. I've been abusing it for a short while, just to get that feeling of adrenline and fear that this final pill could be the last one ending my life. That's the only sort of joy I feel when it comes to my life now. The fun it takes me, impulsively spending my life over some bunches of pills. It's almost too addicting to stop, I might add.
Of course, it's never too much that it gets to the point of a really bad overdosage, but just a little bit more than suggested, like for example, the one I did earlier today was 2,500 mg of Tylenol, but also yesterday night too, counting inside the 24 hour time period, it was 2,000 mg of Tylenol, too. So, adding all of that together is 4,500 mg. Which isn't that bad. I'm pretty sure the severe overdosage is 7,000 mg, which is nowhere near it. Or atleast that's what I'm guessing, but I'm really no doctor, so I have no idea what's really going on.
I don't know what else to do with myself than cut and take overdosages of pills. I can barely do anything, let alone actually live a normal life. It's sad knowing I could do so much more, but because of how mentally fucked I am in the head, I'll never really go as far as I or my mother planned. I know my mom is disappointed in me for being such a screw-up of a child she wish she never had the misfortune of giving birth to. I know she wants me since yeah, I'm still her kid afterall, but I also know for a fact she doesn't want someone LIKE me.
I can't stand hanging out with my friends now too, not after the fact that I can tell all of them can't stand being around me either. I know they just got bored of me so quick, and only keep me around for some punching bag they make fun of and laugh at. I hate how I'm always the butt of the joke, always the one getting made fun of. I don't get it, really. What's so bad about me? What's so wrong about me? I can tell they also shit-talk me so badly. And my girlfriend, I know for a fact she's just waiting for me to break up with her so she can stop hanging out with a shitty, ugly loser like me. She probably doesn't even actually like me, she just doesn't want to feel alone, just like how other people use me for. To just stop feeling alone with themselves. To look like they aren't lonely. It's pathetic of me, really. To stand around and act like they aren't sticking to me until their friend comes over so they don't look alone, because I can't stand being lonely too. Even though I constantly feel it everyday, no matter what, even when I have so much people surrounding me and showing that they actually like being around me for once.
I can't stand anything, anymore. I'm just so tired with being alive. I just want to disappear. Everything is just so frustrating, I've been planning for so long how to end it all, a delicate and perfect plan that I know would fall through if I attempted it. I haven't tried yet, but I wish to. God, do I really want to.
I just don't know anymore. I just want to die.
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faffreux · 1 year
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how did you fall in love with fawful? when did you realize you loved him? /gen
So I've been trying to type an answer to this for 20 minutes now, no joke. But at some point I realized I was going on a tangent and had literally typed out an entire draft for the first chapter of the essay about this that I want to write so I think those words are better saved for when they may eventually come about, LOL.
It's a complicated story. I don't say that lightly - I'm serious. There's just a lot to it and it's hard to sum up as a result.
But I'll just tell you that there was 7 years of my life where I felt as if I'd never really draw again and like I'd completely lost the confidence for what was once my favorite thing in the world. I went through those seven years BARELY picking up a pencil. I didn't create hardly at all compared to when I was much younger.
On January 1st, 2020 I sat in my room with a pencil and piece of notebook paper in my hands and through tears I said aloud: "I just want to draw again. I don't care what it is... I don't care what comes out. Just... anything. Anyone. Please. I want it to feel like it did before." And in frustration I put my pencil to paper and the first thing that appeared was a familiar face I hadn't seen nor thought of in almost the same amount of time as it had been since I felt my art go missing.
In that moment my pencil seemed to become one of these:
Tumblr media
Something sparked in my head again - some part of me I truly felt like I'd lost forever. The first thing I did immediately after that was go online and order both Superstar Saga and Bowser's Inside Story so I could play them again since I hadn’t since 2010.
I played through SSS first and had a bLAST. WOW, I missed this game!! Fawful made me giggle - he was just as entertaining as I remembered him.
Then I played BIS... and uh.................... we'll just say you're talking to somebody who had never experienced a legitimate crush in his entire life prior and suddenly felt his cheeks turn hot at the sight of this bean dancing on the lit stage of the Fawful Theatre. My roommate looked over and asked me from across the room: "Why are you so red? Are you okay?"
And the rest is history.
Everything truly blossomed later on when he began showing up in my dreams and I continued to deepen the love I felt through the art I was finally able to create again. 
While I originally created Jolligig completely separate from Fawful, he eventually became the channel I used to express and project the joy and adoration I felt for him. But I LOVE the life he’s taken on since then!! And how excited I STILL AM ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
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firstkanaphans · 2 years
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Can you please write a fic on acceptance scene (Akk accepting Aye as his bf)
Sure thing! Hope you enjoy ❤️
And as usual, this got way too long so you can also find it on AO3 here
Akk hadn’t slept. Not for days. Every time he closed his eyes, the monsters he had just barely been keeping at bay reared their ugly heads. He saw again the effigy of the three Jums burning in the schoolyard, heard Chadok’s disapproval growing deeper by the day, watched as his scholarship—the only ticket he had to a future spent anywhere other than a fishing boat—slipped away.
And he also saw Ayan, standing in the wreckage he had created, and it made him sick to think that he might be the cause of even more pain for this boy who had already been hurt enough. Yet here Ayan was, climbing into bed next to him, and that certainly wasn’t going to help him get to sleep any easier. He was aware of Ayan in a way he had never been aware of anyone else. His whole body came alive when he was near and he longed to stay awake just to soak up that feeling, scared that it might disappear come morning. Ayan was the shining star in the dark night of his life. Eventually, he would realize that Akk was dull in comparison—a cloud, blocking his light. He would realize he could do better and then that light—the only light Akk could see—would be gone forever.
Akk was so distracted thinking about everything that could go wrong that he startled when he felt Ayan press a headphone into his ear.
“What are you doing?”
“Music for sleeping,” Ayan explained as if he was offering nothing more substantial than a pencil. As if him giving Akk a solution for the one thing he couldn’t fix himself wasn’t supposed to warm a place inside of him that had been dormant for a very long time. Akk remembered the night he had held Ayan as he fought off his own demons. It occurred to him for the first time that of course Ayan would have trouble sleeping too. At least for Akk, his dreams provided a reprieve from life. For Ayan, it was the opposite.
Soft, soothing music engulfed him like a lullaby and he let his eyes drift closed as he listened. It felt intimate to share this moment of vulnerability with someone else. He let his gaze drift to Ayan, searching for his light. He only realized he was staring when Ayan turned to face him. He looked away immediately. It was a habit. He had never been allowed to stare at boys before. Especially not boys as beautiful as Ayan.
“If you want to look, just look,” Ayan said, reminding Akk that the feelings inside him weren’t foreign. That Ayan understood them too. That he had, presumably, once been just as confused as Akk was, trying to find a place to fit in a world that told him he was wrong for wanting. “Stop sneaking glances like that. You might get my bad side.”
Akk scoffed. “You don’t have to be a narcissist twenty-four seven. Take a break. It’s tiring.”
Ayan laughed the way he always did when Akk made fun of him. Like Akk’s irreverence was somehow intimate. An inside joke. Maybe it was. Akk’s lip curled up at the sound of Ayan’s happiness, but he tried to hide his smile. It was embarrassing how much his own joy was dependent on Ayan’s. It was a secret he was keeping for himself.
“I used to be an introvert, you know,” Ayan said, his eyes softening. “I’ve always liked the peace and quiet. But then I met you and I got really used to being yelled at.”
Akk rolled his eyes, finding it hard to believe that Ayan had ever been anything other than the firecracker sitting in front of him. He was a spark just waiting to be lit. He couldn’t be tamed.
“I wouldn’t yell at you if you didn’t do things that deserved to get you yelled at.”
“Exactly.” Ayan grinned. “I don’t get it either—why I act that way when I’m with you.”
“Because you like to bug me,” Akk laughed. He had never been more sure of anything. Ayan was the bane of his existence and the greatest joy of his life.
Ayan thought about this for a while. “I don’t like to bug you. I like you.”
His usual bravado was gone as if even after two kisses he still didn’t understand that Akk liked him too. That Akk’s every waking moment was spent thinking about him. That all he wanted was for the rest of the world to disappear and it to just be the two of them—alone and safe and happy. He looked so hopeful that Akk had to look away. He wasn’t a gift. He was, quite literally, a curse of his own making. Ayan deserved better. He was light. He was fire. Akk would not snuff him out.
“There,” Ayan said, not unkindly. “You did it again. You always look away.”
Although it was true, Akk argued on instinct. “I do not.”
“You do too. I’ll set up a CCTV so that you can see for yourself.”
Akk didn’t need to see for himself. He knew it was true. It was just hard to look into Ayan’s eyes because he couldn’t lie to him and sitting there with all of his emotions on his face for Aye to see made him feel vulnerable in a way he never had before. Like this man could rip his heart out of his chest if he wanted to. Like he would let him do it gladly.
“We should sleep. We have school in the morning.” But he didn’t move because he didn’t actually want this to be over.
“Akk,” Ayan argued, but his tone lacked bite. For some reason his patience made Akk even more frustrated. Just another reminder of the kindness he didn’t deserve.
“What now?”
Ayan didn’t take the bait. “Will you tell me how you feel about me? Please?” He looked wrecked like he was trying desperately to hold a crumbling facade together. He had been so patient, letting Akk figure things out himself, but it had been a week of Akk hinting, but never giving a real answer, and he knew Ayan had to be dying inside. That despite his tough exterior, he was a human with feelings, and putting himself out there took bravery Akk didn’t have—didn’t think he would ever have.
“I…”
“I get it,” Ayan said, reaching for him. “When I first found out, it was difficult for me too.”
But that wasn’t it. It wasn’t that Akk didn’t want to accept the words—he had accepted them weeks ago. It was that Ayan was light personified. He spent his days fighting for justice. He always did what was right. He had never tried to run someone over with a car, probably.
“You can’t like a bad person like me,” Akk said and for the first time, Ayan looked confused. Confused and then sad and then angry. “You know all the bad things I’ve done and—”
Without hesitating, Ayan kissed him and it felt like an absolution. Like maybe if Aye, perfect Aye, didn’t think he was a horrible person, he might not be. But Akk couldn’t kiss him back. He couldn’t damn him to that future. He was trying to let him down easy, goddammit, but it was getting harder with every kiss to pretend that Ayan wasn’t the only thing he was living for right now.
Ayan pulled away. “That’s my answer. That day when I told my mom we were dating, I meant it. Akk, I want to be together.”
Akk hesitated, caught in the crossroads of everything he had ever wanted and everything he knew he shouldn’t have. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he said, trying to play it off as a joke. “I’m a guy. And I’m going to sleep.”
He rolled over, pulled the covers over himself, but before he could settle, they were yanked away again. “What are you doing?” he asked, turning back around.
“Don’t run away. Answer me.”
But Akk couldn’t. So he rolled over again and again, Ayan yanked the covers off of him.
“Akk,” he whined and he sounded so desperate that it squeezed Akk’s heart in his chest. This pain was his fault. “Please. Can we be together?”
Akk wanted it so badly that he didn’t dare open his mouth because he would say yes and he couldn’t say yes. He couldn’t be that selfish. He pulled the covers back over his head. Ayan yanked them down again.
“I can do this all night.”
Akk definitely couldn’t. His resolve was crumbling. And now instead of being annoyed, he was amused. It felt so domestic to be fighting in bed like this. It felt so good to be laying next to Ayan with the possibility of forever in front of him. A smile tugged unbidden at his lips.
He pulled the covers back over himself once, then twice, and then laid back and groaned, finally giving up. Ayan was more stubborn than he was. He wouldn’t win this fight.
“Akk.”
“Fine. Yes.” And he tried to sound annoyed, but he was smiling and Ayan was smiling too, happiness radiating from both of them.
“What was that?” Ayan teased. He just wanted to hear it again, but if Akk was honest, he wanted to say it again too. He wanted to make sure Ayan understood that he was his. That they were each other’s. “I couldn’t quite hear you. Can we be together? Will you be my boyfriend?”
Akk rolled his eyes, but his heart was so full it felt like it might burst. “I don’t know. I’m going to sleep now.”
He tried one last time to disappear under the safety of the covers, but as he’d hoped—as he’d expected—Ayan pulled them off and kissed him. And this time, Akk let himself be selfish for maybe the first time in his life. He kissed him back. He did not, however, close his eyes. He couldn’t bear to. He wanted to witness every moment, lock it up in his mind, save it for when the world started crumbling around them. He wanted to have this one moment of happiness he could call upon to keep the sadness at bay. Ayan. His Ayan. It seemed unreal that someone so pure, someone so good, could want him.
Ayan eventually broke the kiss and looked down at him as if he was something precious. Then he whispered in his ear, “Good night, boyfriend.”
Warmth flooded Akk and he couldn’t stop smiling. This was it. This is what people made movies about. This feeling.
“Sleep,” he demanded because otherwise, he was going to kiss him again and he wasn’t ever going to stop.
He rolled over one last time and for a second, he thought Ayan was actually going to let him. But then Ayan jumped on top of him, hugging him tight, more joyful than Akk had ever seen him, and for the first time in a very long time, Akk found himself looking forward to tomorrow.
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determinedwriter · 7 months
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No. 16: “Would you lie with me and just forget the world?”
Ro
Peter takes me on a fun date night, swinging from building to building with webs as I fly after him. “Where are we going?”
He grins, stopping at a tall building. “Here. Look.”
I look at the view, seeing a gorgeous city skyline. “Wow, you can really see a lot from here. It’s so pretty. God, look at the stars.”
Peter grabs my hand. “I knew you’d like it. I know your curfew is soon, but we can stargaze for a good bit before I have to take you home.”
I smile. “That sounds perfect.”
We lay side by side and hold hands, looking at the sky in peace. “I could do this forever.”
He kisses me. “Me too.”
I take a long, content breath. “Sometimes I just want to forget everything else. The Avengers, stupid high school stuff, the pressure of being a Stark…I just want to stay here with you forever.”
He squeezes my hand. “Yeah, me too. But we always have each other.”
I nod. “Yeah. God, I never want to lose you.”
Peter scoots closer to me. “Good. You won’t.”
“I love-” I start to say, interrupted by a voice.
“Stark.” He says, joining me and Peter on the rooftop. 
I stand up quickly, not sure what to make of this guy. I don’t know who he is. And the general public doesn’t know I’m a Stark. They definitely aren’t supposed to know I’m Tony Stark’s daughter.
Peter stands beside me, subtly brushing his hand against mine. “Umm, can we help you? We’re just doing a little star gazing.”
“Aurora Stark, yes?” He repeats.
The man doesn’t particularly stand out to me as handsome or ugly. He doesn’t have any specific characteristics that tell me anything about him. He’s just…a guy. And it’s hard to get a read on someone when they don’t give anything away.
I gulp. “Potts.” 
Using my fake surname only makes him shake his head in amusement. “No, no, you’re Tony’s kid. You’ve got that look about you. And I’ve been watching you long enough to know you’re his daughter. And that your little boyfriend is Spider-Man.”
Peter flinches. “Who are you?”
“Nobody important. I’m just here for a job. Thankfully, the client didn’t want me to take out Tony himself. Just his pride and joy.” He taunts.
Peter immediately shoots a web at him and he dodges. “Now hold on.”
“I’m not listening to a word you say when you just threatened my girlfriend!” Peter yells.
I let my hands heat up and become consumed in flames, pointing them in the man’s direction. “Leave now or burn. Your choice.”
He laughs. This bastard actually laughs. “I don’t think that will get you very far, dear.”
Suddenly lunging forward at Peter, the man attacks. I instantly throw my fireballs at him, seeming to just bounce right off.
He sees my confusion. “I came prepared, fire girl. And now I’ll reduce you to ash.”  
Peter and I fight him until deciding to flee to the Avengers compound where we’ll have backup. Peter swings from web to web, expecting me to be right behind him with my power of fire flight.
But our enemy has come prepared. As soon as I take flight, he’s shooting water at me from a simple plastic toy. Who knew it could be my downfall?
Extinguishing my flames, the water causes me to plummet to the ground. I scream. “PETER!”
I’m unsure if he’s too far ahead to hear me, but I know he must be close. I can’t reignite myself, being too wet to get even a spark.
“RO!” I hear Peter yell in a panic. He sounds too far away. And the ground is getting closer. I hit the side of a tall building’s fire escape on the way down, the metal railings hitting me hard in the back.
Flailing in the air, I know I hit a few more things before Peter just barely catches me with his webs and I go limp like a ragdoll, seeming to feel nothing at all.
And before I know it, I’m gone.
Peter
“Ro! RO!” I scream, racing to my girlfriend. I swear, I thought she was right behind me. But now she’s falling to the ground from several feet in the air, unable to save herself.
I dive forward in desperation, shooting webs to catch her. She hit metal railings and a lamppost on the way down before I stop her from hitting the ground.
But now she isn’t moving. She’s lying in the web with her eyes closed and arms outstretched, body looking dead.
Dead.
I don’t let myself think that yet, getting her out of the web before holding her gently in my arms. “Ro. Ro. Ro, can you hear me?”
She doesn’t respond, eyes staying closed.
Then her phone rings, showing the caller ID of the one person who will definitely blame me for letting this happen.
Iron Dad <3
I blame myself too. But maybe he can help. Maybe.
I pick up the phone and yell into it before Mr. Stark can get a word in. “Mr. Stark, come here NOW! There’s this guy and he shot Ro with water and she fell from the sky and I was barely able to catch her and she’s not moving!”
There’s a tense pause. “I need you to slow down and say that again.”
“Ro isn’t moving and you have to help! I don’t know where the guy who did it is but I-I couldn’t stop him! Please!” I plead.
He asks for the address and I give it, Mr. Stark flying here in his Iron Man armor in no time at all. “Kid!”
I look up and see him in the sky. “Down here!”
Mr. Stark’s faceplate lifts and I see his worried expression. “Ro…”
He takes her from my arms and feels for a pulse in her neck. “Pete, call an ambulance.”
“Is she breathing?” I question.
“Just call a goddamn ambulance!” He snaps, cradling Ro like she’s a baby. “Come on, Ro. Come on. It’s okay.”
I call for the ambulance while Mr. Stark does CPR right in front of me, desperately pumping Ro’s chest and begging for a heartbeat.
“Come on. Come on. Come on.” He repeats. “You’re alright. You’re alright, baby.”
The man who caused this decides to descend upon us at that moment, Mr. Stark looking up and glaring at him as he continues chest compressions.
“He did this,” I say in a low, devastated, and angry voice.
Mr. Stark raises a hand and fires a repulsor blast at him before continuing to work on Ro. She’s still not breathing.
The ambulance seems to take forever, but it’s likely only a few minutes. I soon find out in the hospital that she’s in surgery.
She had flatlined for a few minutes before the doctors could get her back, but she’s alive. She’s alive and that’s what matters.
I do wonder what kind of damage will be done to her though. Will she be alright?
The man who did this was only knocked out by the blast, getting arrested at the scene of his unforgivable crime. 
He may have been the one to spray the water that took her down, but I was the one that failed to catch her. And that will always be true.
Mr. Stark paces the waiting room. “Tell me how it happened.” 
Tears stream down my face. “I’m so sorry. I-I tried…I…”
He continues to pace. “Just tell me.”
“We were stargazing on a roof and…a-and then that guy came and said…said her name. He told us that he was…hired to take her out. To kill her. That thankfully he wasn’t hired to kill you, but…hired to kill your pride and joy. He said he’s been watching her. Then he lunged for me and there was a fight before Ro and I ran off. She was right behind me. She was using her fire flight abilities and then he used a water gun. All it took was a water gun to take her down and she was falling and she called for me and-and…I couldn’t catch her until she’d already hit stuff on the way down…then she just went limp when I caught her with some webs. She was screaming and then she just…she just stopped. She went quiet. Mr. Stark, I’m so sorry. I would’ve done anything to save her. I came over as fast as I could. God, I’m so sorry!” I explain. 
Mr. Stark is quiet for a moment. “It’s not your fault.”
He sounds heartbroken. I don’t know what to say. “I tried, sir…I really tried.”
He nods. “I know you did.”
We sit in silence for a while until a doctor enters the waiting room and looks at us. “Stark?”
Mr. Stark stands up. “How is she doing? Is she okay?”
The doctor glances at me and Mr. Stark nods. “He can hear whatever you have to say.”
“We were thankfully able to stabilize Aurora’s spine, but it will take some time to recover. She’s going to need physical therapy to walk without some form of assistance. She’s incredibly lucky to not be paralyzed.” They say.
He blinks away tears. “Assistance like what?”
“It depends on the extent of the damage and how well she does in therapy. A wheelchair, a walker, crutches, anything like that. It varies from person to person.” They explain.
Mr. Stark goes to see her, soon allowing me to come in. Ro’s awake when I enter the hospital room, looking like she’s been crying. “Hey…”
She takes my hand. “Hey, Peter.”
I grin sadly. “How’re you feeling?”
She exhales slowly. “Not great, but you know…also not dead.”
Kissing Ro’s forehead, I breathe in deeply. “I’m so glad you’re alive.”
Ro lays back, eyes glassy. “I love you.”
I give her hand a squeeze. “To the moon and back.”
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writercole · 2 years
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Illicit Affairs
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Part 1
Summary: A coffee date brings up some old feelings, and some new problems Squares: Love after heartbreak @spnfluffbingo // Jealousy @creatively-analytical's follower bingo (that I'm so behind on) Words: 1378 Warnings: Discussion of stalking, mentions of canon-level violence, slight discussion of injury, dealing with an ex Credits: @flamencodiva for looking over this for me like the babe she is. A/N: This is all @b3autyfuldisast3r's fault.
There are no tags for this series. Please follow the #illicitaffairs tag or the newly formed @coleslibrary
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The small cafe was loud, busy for a Saturday morning. You and Sam had agreed to meet here at nine o’clock to catch up. You teetered between excitement and regret, hope and guilt.
When you slipped out of bed this morning, you’d told your fiance you were meeting a girlfriend for coffee. You felt bad about lying but Steve was a jealous man. If you would have just said ‘old friend’ or Sam or ex-boyfriend, he’d have flown off the handle.
Your musings were interrupted by Sam sitting across from you. He looked good, you admitted, but something was missing. His eyes that used to have such joy, such spark, were sad and lonely.
“Morning,” he greeted.
“Morning.”
“Uh, thanks for meeting me here. I feel like the last time I saw you really didn’t do me any favors,” he said, his head hung low and his long chestnut locks falling into his eyes.
“You don’t say,” you snapped. “The last time I saw you was when you promised, you swore, that you would be at my house by six so we could go to dinner before prom. And then you stood me up.”
“That’s not -”
“I called you for two hours before I accepted that you weren’t coming.” You squeezed your eyes shut for just a second, willing the tears to stay in your eyes, to not fall down your cheeks in response to the old wounds that were reopened.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “My brother got hurt out of state and I had to go. My uncle didn’t give me any time to call you.”
“And after?”
“Dean couldn’t be alone for a long time. The werew-”
Sam stopped mid-sentence, his eyes wide with realization and fear, awaiting your response.
“I’m sorry, were you going to say ‘werewolf’?” you snarked quietly, the question rhetorical since you knew exactly what you’d heard.
“I, uh…” he stammered, trying to figure out how to tell you about everything. With a sigh, he decided to just do it. Rip off the band-aid, so to speak.
“My family were hunters,” he started, “but the kind that hunt supernatural creatures. Werewolves, vampires, wendigos.”
“So they’re all real?”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
“And your brother was attacked brutally by one of these…wolves?”
“Yeah. Uncle Bobby picked me up right after you left and we high-tailed it to the forest Dean had been hunting in.” Sam swallowed hard and fidgeted with his coffee mug. “We found him, barely alive, just inside the trees, blood oozing from wounds on his chest, arms, legs. We actually called the ambulance for him, something we never do. It’s hard to explain the kind of wounds we get.
“We told the EMTs that he had been camping. There were apparently all manner of big clawed animals in those woods so they didn’t question anything. He was out for days. When he came to, our dad showed up and demanded that he get out of the hospital and finish his job. Uncle Bobby and I kicked him out. Told him not to contact us again.”
Sam paused and you just stared at him. You knew his dad was toxic, he’d told you that much, but you had no idea it was that bad.
“Wow, Sam, I’m sorry.” Even as you said them, the words felt inadequate for what you knew he’d dealt with.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” Sam insisted, “Honestly, thinking of you is what kept me sane during the time I wasn’t sure Dean would make it. I told myself that I’d go back as soon as I could and beg for your forgiveness. In August of that year, I called your parents’ house. Your mom told me you’d gone to Northwestern. That you seemed happy there. Then she told me to stay far away from you because I had shattered your heart. So, Dean and I moved to California. I went to Stanford and switched from pre-law to pre-med.”
“And now you’re here, against overwhelming odds, sitting in a little cafe in Sioux Falls with your high school sweetheart,” you chuckled.
“And now I’m here,” he smiled. “So tell me about your life.”
You detailed your experience at Northwestern, talked about your dad passing away after you graduated, how you’d met your fiance, opening your own business.
“So you’re a small business owner back in your home town with a fiance,” he summarized, his tone masking the distaste in his mouth at mentioning the man you were engaged to.
“Basically, yeah,” you confirmed with a shrug. “What about you? Any special lady scoop you up yet?”
“I wouldn’t say scooped me up. I’m seeing someone. Amelia,” he admitted quietly. What he didn’t say was that Amelia couldn’t hold a candle to you, not then, not now, not ever. You had bewitched him back then and the spell had never broken. He still wanted you as much or more than he did back in high school.
You and Sam talked for hours, patrons filtering in and out while baristas called out orders and bussers cleaned tables. It was easy, spending time with him again. You smiled and laughed as you shared stories and passed the time.
Your phone started ringing, lighting up with Steve’s name. You ignored the call and the three after it, choosing instead to talk to the friend you’d been missing for over a decade. You did start to wrap up your meeting, knowing you had a very limited amount of time before Steve used your find my phone website.
“Thanks for suggesting we meet up, Sam,” you smiled. “I had a really great time.”
“Can we do this again?” he blurted out.
“What about your girlfriend? My fiancé?” 
“We’re just two friends hanging out? Why would that be an issue?” he questioned with his eyebrows raised.
“You don’t know Steve,” you scoffed as you grabbed your purse.
“So he doesn’t know you’re out with me?” Sam pried, a smug look on his face.
“No. And he won’t find out,” you muttered, vaguely threatening the 6’ 4” doctor.
“I’ll tell you what,” he said, “here’s my card. That’s my personal cell number. The ball is in your court.”
You both stood and he followed you out of the cafe, his hand a comforting presence on the small of your back. He kissed your cheek before you parted ways, last lingering glances tossed over your shoulders.
Your phone started ringing again as you turned the corner. You glanced at the screen and saw your best friend, Brooke, calling.
“Girl, where are you!?” she exclaimed as soon as you answered. “Steve just called me looking for you. I covered for your ass but now I need the details.”
“What did you tell him?” you questioned, your stomach dropping when you heard that he’d called her.
“That you went to the bathroom and left your phone at the table. So you have about two seconds to spill before he’s calling you again.”
“Okay so you know I had my annual yesterday? Well my old doctor retired and the new one, Dr. Winchester, is the ex that ruined me, the one that stood me up for prom. He asked me for coffee and we spent all morning catching up and -” you stopped, hearing an incoming call. “Shit, that’s Steve. Talk soon!”
You switched to answer Steve’s call without waiting for her response. “Hey, you,” you cooed.
“Did you have fun with Brooke?” he responded.
“Yeah, we’re having a great time,” you corrected, hoping that he believed you.
“Okay, sweetie. Have fun. I’ll see you at home. I love you,” he told you.
“I’ll be back soon. I love you, too,” you replied, hoping he couldn’t sense your lie.
Hanging up the phone, you breathed a sigh of relief. You didn’t notice the man half a block behind you, sunglasses covering his eyes and a hat low on his head. He’d been watching for nearly an hour, seeing you laughing with him, talking to him, flirting with him. He was upset that you’d lied to him when you left but more so when you continued lying about being with Brooke. Steve was nothing if not patient. You’d tell him the truth eventually. One way or another.
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lovecolibri · 2 years
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Things that did NOT Spark Joy-4x02
While I might have had fun WATCHING the episode (which you can read about here), the storylines are...a bit of a mess as always. So lets talk about the things that DON’T spark joy.
That opening monologue sure was...something. Like this show can be overdramatic at the best of times but that was...A Lot.
We literally already did the “oh no I can’t tell my significant other about being an alien” story with Isobel when she was with Noah and I am...so tired of this already, especially having her say she loves Anatsa and then mind whammy her?! I feel like if Isobel had grown as much as we’re supposed to believe she has and as much as we have SEEN leading up to this season, and if she REALLY loves her, why wouldn’t she do the unselfish thing and break up with Anatsa rather than mess with her mind? Why wouldn’t she bare a little suffering herself to keep someone she cared about safe? I love Isobel and I enjoy her and Anatsa together when they’re just being themselves but putting her with someone who had slept with Max was already SUCH a weird choice and now dragging this out instead of leaning into all the real and valid reasons Isobel might not want to be with/have an alien soulmate in Kyle? Allowing them to have a big buildup into an epic love story of their own like Echo and Malex would be so much more satisfying instead of regressing her to keep this relationship around and then cram her and Kyle together at the end of the series. 
Speaking of Anatsa, I want to like her I do but whooo boy is the “intrepid reporter” thing getting old already. Please, Kyle does NOT need this on top of everything else. Just let the man dissect a body for a few hours in peace! (But also why hasn’t it been done in the past 6 months? Probably because they realized they killed Jones too soon and it’s a little hard to bring him back AFTER the dissection.)
Also speaking of Anatsa, what was that run in with Max?! I want to like Max and when he’s being soft and sweet with Liz he’s at his best but good god do the writers want him to be this “macho tough guy” leading man full of anger and that ALWAYS puts him at his worst. Do better. But also the show refusing to acknowledge at all that they had her and Max sleep together and then putting her in an at least 6 month long relationship with Max’s sister is just...weird. Like it’s weird that it was never talked about and now it’s just been going on for so long and no one has talked about it and it’s WEIRD. This show makes the dumbest choices and then just refuses to address them and it’s endlessly frustrating. 
I am....very tired of the cyclical argument that Echo always seem to be having about basically the same thing and especially now that it seems to be leading to them settling down in Roswell. That arc should absolutely end with them buying a travel trailer and living on the road with Max writing his books and Liz doing her science and them seeing the whole earth together because that’s what they’ve BOTH always wanted. At least Max wasn’t a dick about her needing more time but also like, it’s been SO long, and we are all so tired. 
As much fun as Science Bros is, did anyone else find it weird that the locust had wings that literally shimmered like the alien glass and NO ONE MENTIONED IT?! Liz literally said she just did tests and there was nothing alien in the rain but like, how she saw that and didn’t go “oh shit, these bitches look like alien glass!” is beyond me, but neither her or Michael saying anything at all, OR Alex not calling Michael when he saw them with their glowing wings and glowing insides splatting on his window makes zero sense. Also 10/10 more suspenseful if Alex gets taken while on the phone with Michael, giving him an actual reason to get it with the other aliens like he’s supposed to do.  
WHY ARE WE CALLING ALEX “MANES”ALL OF A SUDDEN AND HOW TO WE MAKE IT STOP FOREVER?!?! *aggressively shakes hairbrush*
Also this show for REAL needs to use their other sets instead of always having everyone hang out in the Pony to discuss important alien business in public, or I guess hang out when it’s closed? Like, you all are adults with your own houses! There are like, 5 bunkers amongst the group! Apparently everyone is driving up the the mountains to get to Deep Sky multiple times a day in zero time flat, and them not knowing about aliens hasn’t stopped the whole group from keeping all their research there, so why not have meetings there too? 
Anyone else think Malex have a weird distance between them, physically? Like, what is with the foot of space between their bodies at all times and not being allowed to do anything but touch shoulders and forearms and having to give little pecks while keeping their bodies separated? Remember that grab and whispering in each others ears at the reunion and That Reunion Kiss? Remember 1x02 and that burning passion and 1x03 and that infinitely gentle tenderness? Vlamburn are giving it their all but the staging for their scenes has a weird vibe. Just let them be horny on main for each other like they used to be! Especially now that they get to be soft and in love!
Anyone else not really care about the new aliens? Like, the show is almost over, IDGAF, where is ROSA, where is ALEX, why am I not seeing more of our actual main characters? And there’s 3 of them, plus the new billionaire lady and her wife that I expect we’ll be seeing soon (I did not write down names and I’m not going to look it up now because this post is...so late), plus Anatsa and now Kyle’s new fling, like good god! You couldn’t even handle the characters you ALREADY had and we haven’t even SEEN Rosa yet and no mention of Heath, barely a word about Greg, no Flint, we’ll probably never meet the rest of Alex’s family, like whyyy?
Also, I’m sooo sick of Clyde and his self-righteous “we’re better than everyone on earth” condemnation. Like, this might work if it was NY or something but NM is one of the poorest states and Chavez County is ranked like, 21st out of 33 counties for income. You’re not making the point you think you are about “extreme excess”, especially not in a tourist town struggling to survive. 
I have a lot to bitch about with regards to Alex and what’s going on so buckle up!
The weather balloons he’s tracking were literally giving them weather data based on location. So they HAD to have GPS tracking on them, right? Even if that was fried by the electrical storm, they would have their last known locations. 
Deep Sky supposedly doesn’t know about aliens which is weird since they’re all doing and KEEPING all their alien research there including Jones’ body, instead of one of their 75 personal bunkers they have in all of their homes and across town, HOWEVER Deep Sky DOES know about the weather balloon project because they don’t have to tell them specifically about alien related stuff they are doing with the research coming out of that project. All this to say, couldn’t some DS interns go round up the downed balloons? Or at least have a couple go with Alex to make it take less time? Even though they should know where they all are? Make it make sense!
We already DID a kidnapped Alex plot with the dumbest circumstances and the dumbest ending so like, I’m hoping this will be better but I’m not holding my breath, and also why do the other one if you were going to do it again and better later? Why have the same set up of Alex “going away” and no one noticing he’s missing AGAIN so the writers can ignore him for a few weeks instead of actually putting in the work to write about people knowing and caring about Alex when he’s not standing in front of them, doing something for them? Imagine how tired we all are. Imagine. 
QUICKSAND. Really, that’s what we’re going with? I can’t. Hopefully they have him in a pod and HE can get some alien powers out of this mess and maybe catch up on some sleep. 
Overall I had fun watching this episode but as always there are far more questions and questions about choices being made, than there are answers. Plus knowing Alex will likely be MIA for the next 2 episodes and we have a week without an episode so it will be a month before we see him again, and knowing who episodes 3 and 4 will likely focus on, I’m trying to find as much joy in this episode to tide me over what is to come. 
Link to previous episode posts: 4x01
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spoilertv · 10 months
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mordysworld · 1 year
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Perfectly Perfect: A script for a short film
The following is the drafted script adaptation of my short story 'Perfectly Perfect'. A Warning: This script contains themes of death, suicidal ideation and intrusive thoughts.
INT. HOUSE - EVENING
CUT TO A BIRDS EYE SHOT OF A PLATE OF FOOD, IT LOOKS DRY AND BLAND- THE PLATE CONSISTS OF COLD LOOKING PEAS, DRY CHICKEN AND CARROTS. THE SHOT IS STILL, CLEAR AND BRIGHT.
UNKNOWN LADY'S: 
How was work dear?
THE AUDIO IS MUDDIED AND SOUNDS LIKE THE LISTENER IS UNDERWATER. 
A clock can be heard ticking in the background but somehow louder than the other sounds in the room.
UNKNOWN LADY'S VOICE: 
Honey..?
THE MAN (V.O.):
Oh right, she's speaking to me
THE MAN(CONT'D) 
It was fine dear... same as always John got permission to move forward with his pitch in his meeting today
THE MAN (O.S.) 
It was my idea, I got zero credit, it's fine.
UNKNOWN LADY 
Oh that's good. 
(An uncomfortable silence stretches between them)
The bland boiled carrots on his plate stare mockingly at him so he picks up a fork full eating and killing them, if he focused hard enough he could taste their blood. (a dribble of crimson blood leaks out of the corner of his mouth he wipes it up licking his fingers) ( The clock continues steadily clicking )
THE MAN (V.O.): 
I wonder, if water perhaps enjoys being drunk? If it finds a spark of joy from travelling down the gullet of those who are lucky enough to come by it?
He takes a sip of his glass of water, a scowl on his face as he replaces the glass on its coaster.
THE MAN(V.O.) (CONT'D):
Impossible. It was foolish of me to even ask such a question... How could anyone truly feel happiness in this awful world? A world where intrusive thoughts are a regular occurrence, where even if you wanted to you couldn't feel anything, a world in which everyday is a struggle- where waking up feels like a burden- where a coherent thought is hard to come by- WHERE THAT DAMN CLOCK WON’T STOP TICKING
( The Clock continues to click)
The man's eyes refocus and he stares down at his plate, heart racing. He sees a small collection of eyeballs on his plate- he eats them without a second thought.
THE MAN(V.O.):
I want to leave.
THE VOICE:
Then leave.
SHOT OF THE TABLE SHOWS THAT THE LADY AND A CHILD ARE HAPPILY CHATTING AWAY. THE MAN IS CONFUSED AS HE SHRUGS AND WALKS AWAY, THE CAMERA FOLLOWS.
INT. BEDROOM.
ALL SHOTS UP TO THIS POINT HAVE BEEN STILL, STABLE SHOTS.
The man sighs as he enters his room, not one of relief but one of tiredness. He slowly but surely strips off his clothes. A ringing sound can be heard as he stares at the clothes in his hand, a muffled distant screaming can be heard. 
Shot from the perspective of the Laundry basket as we see him look at the clothing before throwing it in the basket before turning away.
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
The man walks into the bathroom now naked; we see him glance at the shower.
THE MAN:
What a pain.
Mistakenly he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, flinching at his own reflection.
THE VOICE:
You’ve let yourself go… you've been eating too much again haven't you?
The Man refuses to respond.
THE VOICE:
Pity. You looked so handsome when you were younger…why does everything on wither as time moves forward? Everyone and everything is destined for this disgusting decay. What's the little one's name? It honestly doesn't matter- she will grow up to  be just like you, I can see it in her eyes. What sort of man are you that you can't even spare your own child from this suffering? I thought a man's job was to protect his family?
The voice takes a moment of pause from its degradation
THE VOICE(cont’d):
Pathetic.
He stepped under the cold shower water, barely twitching at the temperature
SHOT OF THE MAN TURNING THE NOZZLE ON THE SHOWER TO COLD AND WE SEE HIM JUST STAND BLANKLY STARING AT THE WALL.
Camera shows blatant and dark eye bags and a deep set frown but his eyes look soulless as if all the life had been sucked out of him. He collapses in a heap on the floor of the shower, falling to his knees.
He appears lost in thought, scratching at his arm- he comes to and realises that he’s bleeding.
THE VOICE:
You should kill yourself
THE MAN:
I know
THE VOICE: 
Then do it, coward
THE MAN:
Not now
THE VOICE:
You're a miserable excuse for a human being, you know that?
THE MAN:
I think I want  meatballs for dinner tomorrow. I’ll have to ask if she can pick up the ingredients.
THE VOICE:
I hope you choke and die on your food you pig.
The man starts to sob silently, curling in on himself and laying in the foetal position. His tears and blood mixed together with the shower water.
When he finally gets up it is visibly much later than when he entered the shower.
A long uncomfortable shot ensues, the camera remains still across the room watching the man attempt to move.
He crawls over to the counter to heave himself up using all his strength, it shows on his contorted face. Forgoing the towel he attempts to walk back into his room but he collapses to the ground before he reaches his bed. His cuts were deep and still seeping blood. He
INT. HOUSE - EVENING
CUT TO A BIRDS EYE SHOT OF A PLATE OF FOOD, IT LOOKS DRY AND BLAND- THE PLATE CONSISTS OF COLD LOOKING PEAS, DRY CHICKEN AND CARROTS.
UNKNOWN LADY'S VOICE 
How was work dear?
THE AUDIO IS MUDDIED AND SOUNDS LIKE THE LISTENER IS UNDERWATER. 
(A clock can be heard ticking in the background but somehow louder than the other sounds in the room)
THE MAN (V.O.):
Was that clock always so loud?
UNKNOWN LADY'S: 
(hesitantly)Honey..?
THE MAN (V.O.):
Oh right, she's speaking to me
THE MAN(CONT'D) 
It was fine dear... same as always John got permission to move forward with his pitch in his meeting today
THE MAN (O.S.) 
It was my idea, I got zero credit, it's fine.
UNKNOWN LADY: 
Oh that's good. 
(An uncomfortable silence stretches between them)
The bland boiled carrots on his plate stare mockingly at him so he picks up a fork full eating and killing them, if he focused hard enough he could taste their blood. A dribble of crimson blood leaks out of the corner of his mouth he wipes it up licking his fingers ( The clock continues steadily clicking )
THE MAN (V.O.): 
I wonder, if water perhaps enjoys being drunk? If it finds a spark of joy from travelling down the gullet of those who are lucky enough to come by it?
He takes a sip of his glass of water, a scowl on his face as he replaces the glass on its coaster.
THE MAN(V.O.) (CONT'D):
Impossible. It was foolish of me to even ask such a question... How could anyone truly feel happiness in this awful world? A world where intrusive thoughts are a regular occurrence, where even if you wanted to you couldn't feel anything, a world in which everyday is a struggle- where waking up feels like a burden- where a coherent thought is hard to come by- WHERE THAT DAMN CLOCK WON’T STOP TICKING
( The Clock continues to click)
The man's eyes refocus and he stares down at his plate, heart racing. He sees a small collection of eyeballs on his plate- he eats them without a second thought.
THE MAN(V.O.):
I want to leave.
THE VOICE:
Then leave.
SHOT OF THE TABLE SHOWS THAT THE LADY AND A CHILD ARE HAPPILY CHATTING AWAY. THE MAN IS CONFUSED AS HE SHRUGS AND WALKS AWAY, THE CAMERA FOLLOWS.
INT. BEDROOM/BATHROOM - EVENING
ALL SHOTS UP TO THIS POINT HAVE BEEN STILL, STABLE SHOTS.
The man sighs as he enters his room, not one of relief but one of tiredness. He slowly but surely strips off his clothes. A ringing sound can be heard as he stares at the clothes in his hand, a muffled distant screaming can be heard. 
Shot from the perspective of the Laundry basket as we see him look at the clothing before throwing it in the basket before turning away.
The man walks into the bathroom now naked; we see him glance at the shower.
THE MAN:
What a pain.
Mistakenly he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, flinching at his own reflection.
THE VOICE:
You’ve let yourself go… you've been eating too much again haven't you?
The Man refuses to respond.
THE VOICE:
Pity. You looked so handsome when you were younger…why does everything on wither as time moves forward? Everyone and everything is destined for this disgusting decay. What's the little one's name? It honestly doesn't matter- she will grow up to  be just like you, I can see it in her eyes. What sort of man are you that you can't even spare your own child from this suffering? I thought a man's job was to protect his family?
The voice takes a moment of pause from its degradation
THE VOICE(cont’d):
Pathetic.
He steps under the cold shower water, barely twitching at the temperature
SHOT OF THE MAN TURNING THE NOZZLE ON THE SHOWER TO COLD AND WE SEE HIM JUST STAND BLANKLY STARING AT THE WALL.
Camera shows blatant and dark eye bags and a deep set frown but his eyes look soulless as if all the life had been sucked out of him. He collapses in a heap on the floor of the shower, falling to his knees.
He appears lost in thought, scratching at his arm- he comes to and realises that he’s bleeding.
THE VOICE:
You should kill yourself
THE MAN:
I know
THE VOICE: 
Then do it, coward
THE MAN:
Not now
THE VOICE:
You're a miserable excuse for a human being, you know that?
THE MAN:
I think I want  meatballs for dinner tomorrow. I’ll have to ask if she can pick up the ingredients.
THE VOICE:
I hope you choke and die on your food you pig.
The man starts to sob silently, curling in on himself and laying in the foetal position. His tears and blood mixed together with the shower water.
When he finally gets up it is visibly much later than when he entered the shower.
A long uncomfortable shot ensues, the camera remains still across the room watching the man attempt to move.
He crawls over to the counter to heave himself up using all his strength, it shows on his contorted face. Forgoing the towel he attempts to walk back into his room but he collapses to the ground before he reaches his bed. His cuts were deep and still seeping blood. He passes out and the screen fades to black. The credits play over top of a translucent background where you can just make out the scene of an ambulance lights flashing brightly, sombre jazz plays over it.
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smolla-than-a-bug · 3 years
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wait for me
sano shinichiro x reader
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for @xybi’s collab event !
the only thing preventing you from taking the next step in your relationship is the fact that no matter what you do, you just can’t seem to get his daughter to like you
navi | tokrev m.list | event m.list
content — fem!reader, single dad! shinichiro, his daughter kinda mean, reader has parent issues, insecurity & self-doubt, bullying, a bit angsty, marriage, happy ending :D
notes — 8.5k+ wc. didnt intend for this to turn out so long tbh but here we are ig. this yn is inspired by bobbie from four sisters and a wedding cos shes my fave so if u know her story well,,, iykyk :"> song rec for this lil ole oneshot is pwede ba by lola amour
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'No' can a daunting word in any given situation. As the sayer rather than the receiver of the word, it takes a solid backbone to be able to pronounce that single syllable in such a way that is resolute; otherwise, it would be so easy to simply give in and go with the flow.
Growing up, you'd been mostly ambitious and hard-working, but you lacked the ballsiness to be able to stand up for yourself, protest your circumstances and say what was really on your mind. You always accepted whatever was thrown at you with not so much a complaint, no matter how difficult or inconvenient—sometimes even painful and emotionally taxing. Whether or not your parents were aware of it, you had never fulfilled the role of being their pride and joy. There was always someone else who was better and achieved more. With every conversation on the dinner table came name-dropping and praise for other people, but never for you.
You never wanted anything more than for someone—anyone—to see you, to appreciate you. It stung that that person was neither of your own parents, and thus you learned to live carrying the agony of feeling invisible and unappreciated. Because of this, you never felt like you were able to make actual connections with other people your age and never experienced many good, long-lasting friendships. No one other than yourself is aware of the hardships you'd been through to get to where you are now.
Over time, you learned how to acknowledge your own efforts. You became used to the feeling of being invisible to others, so you strived to find a way to stand out. If your will sparked out of spite, you couldn't remember because all that matters is that for the first time in your life, you did something to satisfy yourself rather than to please someone else.
You made good use of your skill, your intelligence, your ambition, and somewhere along the road, you graduated with great pride for yourself and everything you've achieved. You put a wall between your current self and your past self, creating a distance that ran from your hometown all the way to Tokyo, where you had found yourself a great job opportunity.
It wasn't easy adjusting to the new environment, but during that period, you had been able to re-examine yourself and set a few rules. Gone was the Y/N that accepted her "fate" without a thought. The new Y/N would take every chance to assert herself and show the world what she's capable of.
And you did exactly that.
You gained admirers in your work, and you were able to climb up the ranks. In no time, you were able to attain a substantial amount of income for yourself at the ripe age of 23, and you were able to send a fair amount of money back home even if you barely contacted them anymore. Despite your complicated relationship with your family, you weren't heartless.
You were content with your life as it was in Tokyo, albeit immersed in work.
The only thing is that, the whole "showing the world what you're capable of" thing had been balanced out by the universe with an "I can do it myself and I refuse to seek help from anyone" attitude in you, and it applied to everything. Even when heavy rains plagued Japan, cellular reception was weak, and your car broke down along an unfamiliar street.
As the voice on your phone speaker reiterates for the nth time that your call has once again failed, you rest your head against the wheel. Over half an hour has passed and you're still stuck in the same spot with a car that won't turn on. Your throat begins to feel clogged up and you think you might cry, yet your tear ducts remain sealed shut and your eyes feel like they're dried out. You can do nothing about the frustration bubbling up. Hopelessness threatens to make its presence known, but you swallow it down every time you think it's about to overcome you.
A rapid knocking on your window jolts you upright just as you're about to attempt another call. Rainwater pours down your window in bucketloads so the figure outside is completely blurred from your view. You can't even make out their facial features. You hesitate to entertain whoever was on the outside because what if you were about to get robbed? In the rain? Defenseless with no way to escape? You check that your doors are locked.
The knocking comes again, more hurried this time, followed by a muffled voice shouting over the rain from the other side. "Hey! You okay in there?"
You don't respond, silently praying that the man goes away. He's probably drenched from head to toe by now.
"You still alive? Need any help?"
You roll down the window a few inches without thinking. "I don't need your help!"
"You sure? You've been out here an hour!" His voice is much clearer this time. "Why don't you come inside my shop for a bit? It can't be warm at all in there!"
You don't respond, closing the window up again.
The man must have expected you to come out after that, but you don't. You ignore him until finally, the blob on the outside of your window shakes its head, turns around, runs back where it came from, but not before throwing out a "Think about it!" presumably directed at you.
Another thirty minutes later, the rain still shows no sign of stopping. Your body is stiff from sitting in the same position all this time, and you've started to shiver from the cold. You'd been thinking about the man's offer. The more you think about it, the more you're considering taking it up, and when you hear rumbling in the sky, you do.
You grab your phone, wallet, and keys, and you scramble out of your car, through the rain, and into a building labeled S.S Motors.
A man that resembled the distorted blob through your window rushes towards you as soon as you enter with a towel in hand, pulling a chair along for your use. You nod to him in thanks, and he disappears in the back again after.
In his absence, you use the soft towel to dry your hair and pat down your wet clothes as much as you can, though not much became of that as you looked as if you went for a swim fully-dressed.
When the man comes back, he's carrying a stack of dry clothes in his hands, almost sheepishly offering them to you. "Here. You look like you might need these." You're weary of accepting clothes from a stranger. It must have shown on your face, for he rolled his eyes and gestured to you shaking from the cold. "Don't worry, these came straight out of the dryer, and I think you'll feel much better in them. Don't wanna catch a cold now do you?"
You huff before accepting the clothes.
"Bathroom's behind the counter."
He was right when he said you'd feel better wearing a fresh pair of clothes, even if they were a stranger's hoodie and sweats. Plus, the lingering heat from the dryer made them extra comfy. You attempted to tame your appearance as best as you could, especially your hair. You pulled the hoodie's sleeves over your palms before walking back out.
A scoff is the first thing you're greeted with. "You're still wearing those?" He looked pointedly at the heels still on your feet.
"Well, what else am I supposed to wear?"
Heels were already uncomfortable to wear for an extended period of time. Wet, scrunchy heels were even worse. You didn't have an extra pair of shoes with you, so you'd endure it if you had to. There were more pressing concerns you had to think of, like figuring out a way to get home.
"I just cleaned the floor. You can walk around barefoot, it's cool." He came around the counter. "I'll go put your clothes in the dryer. You can keep your shoes over by that chair."
His shop was brightly lit with different models of motorcycles lined up around the place, but you didn't dwell on it. You knew nothing of motorcycles. What you did catch your attention, however, was the little girl who cautiously walked out from the same room the man went into when he got you the clothes you were currently wearing.
You offered her a smile and a little wave, but you instantly faltered when she ran back inside.
"Sorry... She doesn't do well with new people."
"Oh." You fiddled with the sleeves of your sweater. "Was that your sister?"
He chuckled, jumping to sit on the counter. "Nah. Nina's my daughter." That certainly took you by surprise. She couldn't have been older than four, and he looked to be about your age if you had to assume. "Had her when I was eighteen.” He cocked his head, “I was pretty reckless back then."
“Well, she’s a beautiful kid. Pretty smart not talking to strangers, too.”
He had a sort of faraway look. “That she is.”
There’s no mistaking the affection he holds for his daughter. The gentle look in his eyes of pure love, no doubt reminiscing the impact of her birth on his life stirred a pleasant feeling from within you. Your younger self would have been jealous, but now you can only smile softly, knowing that Nina was lucky to have a father that held her in such regard. "You and your wife must be proud."
He held up his left hand, showing you his naked ring finger. "Her mom's out of the picture. Was barely in it, if I'm being honest."
"Oh I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that—"
"No, it's alright. You didn't know."
An awkward silence took over. Suddenly, the room felt way too big.
He coughed into his fist. "So uh, I'm Shinichiro by the way. Sano Shinichiro." You introduced yourself in return. "Nice to meet you, I guess. So much for first impressions," he cringed, physically patting his own back and moving around to check on Nina.
The irony of it was that you thought he was going to murder you back out in the car.
Only now did you note that the sky had cleared up. It was incredibly late into the night and you internally groaned at the thought of having to deduct hours from your sleep to be able to get to work on time tomorrow, but at least it had stopped raining.
"Hey, Y/N?" You didn't notice when Shinichiro came back. "I could take a look at your car for you if you want?"
"Ah, no thank you." You were quick to refuse. "I couldn't ask that of you. You've done so much already. Don't worry I'll figure it out on my own."
He raised a brow at you, more amused than disbelieved that you'd turn him down for the second time that night. "You were stuck out there for like two whole hours. You really think it's wise to refuse my help right now?"
"One and a half," you corrected. Still, you stood your ground. "And I said I'd figure something out."
"Well, any ideas then?" You opened your mouth to say you'd try the phone once more. "Signal's still bad, so you can cross that out." You pursed your lips, your earlier frustration crawling back in with every word the guy spoke, but he only grinned at you. "I literally own a motorcycle shop. I know engines."
"Motorcycle engines. Engines for motorcycles."
"Very impressive verbal forensic work, Y/N. Really, I applaud you."
You cross your arms. "I don't like your tone."
You're already tired from all the events that have transpired thus far, and the longest bout of social interaction you've had outside of work had to be with him? You aren't fond of the sarcasm lacing his naturally raspy voice. You weren't friends. There's a time and place to appropriately use sarcasm, and this wasn't it.
Shinichiro sighed, hopping off the countertop. "Just let me take a look. You never know, I could pull a thing or two, and you'll be able to get out of here in no time."
Lucky for you, the guy did know engines—car engines. It took a few minutes of him tinkering at the hood of your car and you enduring his smugness, which he didn’t bother hiding much to your dismay, before you were finally able to start your car. The rumbling of your vehicle did wonders to comfort you.
You wanted to pay Shinichiro for his service, but he only brushed you off. “Free of charge, only for you,” he had said with that idiotic smirk of his. And when you insisted, he said, “Why would I charge the beautiful damsel currently wearing my clothes?” The smug bastard.
At that, you straightened up and drove off. Glancing at the rearview mirror, he waved at you, only going back inside his shop once a significant distance separated you both. The next day, you made sure to have someone drop by on your behalf to leave a sealed envelope containing your token of thanks.
You didn't know if he was doing it on purpose or if he was just annoying by nature, but you started seeing him everywhere. You occasionally saw him at your favorite coffee shop, along the sidewalk on your way home, and sometimes you'd even run into him in the most random places you'd never expect to see him at.
It was only when you spotted him walking out of a school with his daughter in hand that you realized that the reason you kept running into each other was because Nina studied at the institution near your workplace.
At first, you paid him no mind, but you were never fully able to avoid him. Every single time, without fail, he'd smile at you so big that his skin would crinkle by his eyes. At times, he'd even throw in some witty remark about how you're following him around. (If anything, you're sure it was the other way around.) He'd even bring up the car incident from not too long ago just to poke fun.
It was almost impossible to ignore Shinichiro, but over time, your days grew to become incomplete without seeing him and hearing what stupid things he has to say to you at least once.
Passing remarks slowly turned into him inviting you to join him and Nina to walks in the park because 'you could use some fresh air' or trips to the nearby ice cream parlor because 'you seem like you need replenishing,' but you always dismissed him because 'I'm busy. Maybe another time.'
Your workload had only gotten heavier the more you proved yourself to be the competent employee that you were, and you took it as a recognition of your talents. You worked even harder. You set more time aside to dedicate to late nights on your desk with an open laptop. Your restlessness was beginning to get to you the more you neglected to cater to your body's nutritional needs, often relying on takeout to fill your empty stomach and sleeping less than the average prescribed hours.
You thought you hid it well in the way you carried yourself in public and tamed all your visible signs of tirelessness, yet the first day Shinichiro handed you a packed lunch with a sticky note with his number and a 'you need to take care of yourself better' on it, you had panicked thinking that your exhaustion was so obvious that all your employees could see through you as well. You texted him then, laying out your concerns on your outward appearance, but he reassured you that you looked 'the same amount of gorgeous every day, maybe even getting more beautiful as the days went'—his words, not yours.
You scolded him then (as best as you could through text) and demanded to be taken seriously.
In his defense, he was quick to comply, telling you he was only able to notice because he knew the signs of overworking himself, but not without including a flirty remark about how he likes to pay attention to you, which you ignored.
After that, it became the norm for Shinichiro to drop by and hand you a homemade meal or something he picked up from the store every once in a while, texting you reminders not unlike the first one he gave you and not without an ounce of flirty undertones. To his delight, you somehow started to entertain and reciprocate them somewhere along the way, and four whole years later, you couldn't be happier to have met him and accepted him the day he confessed to you.
That same day was one he recounted in a long speech, knelt down in front of you with an engagement ring.
Throughout the entire span of your relationship, from start to present, he had been nothing short of perfect. He saw you as you were and still adored you anyway. He appreciated you, made you feel the sense of belongingness that you never fully realized was ever missing in your heart.
He knew you hated the public eye, so instead, he had a private romantic dinner set up in his home. He had the lights dimmed, a couple of candles lit, your favourite dishes, and a large bouquet of roses. He had been the perfect gentleman, pulling your chair back for you to sit and serving you like royalty. He made sure you knew he put a lot of thought, a lot of effort into the occasion he brought upon you, and he made sure to directly tell you that you deserved every ounce of love he poured into your heart whenever you began feeling overwhelmed.
No one had ever managed to make you feel so loved before. There were big, fat tears in your eyes threatening to fall when he ultimately ended his lengthy, emotional whirlwind of a speech with the question: Will you make me the happiest man in the whole universe and marry me?
But you said no.
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Shinichiro respected your decision because of course he would, but he wasn't willing to let go of you so easily and to be honest, neither were you. He was willing to wait for you, however long you needed until you were ready to wear the ring that symbolized the depth of his love for you.
You'd forever be grateful for his understanding nature.
You almost regretted it as soon as you declined his proposal. Seeing the downcast, anguished defeat flash in his eyes that he tried to conceal with a poor attempt of a smile was a sight you hated and wished to never see again. You never wanted to be the cause of his pain.
You did your best to provide him comfort that night. It hurt that he just let you hold him thinking it was the last time he'd ever see you again, but in a way, you're glad he even allowed you to touch him at all—even more so when he listened to you and agreed that you both weren't ready to take the next big step.
You just couldn't be wed to a man whose daughter wanted nothing to do with her.
You told him it wouldn't be a "no" forever. It was more of a "not yet" until you improve your relationship with his daughter. But still, the impact of a marriage proposal rejection remained heavy.
But you had to give him props for his unrelenting persistence. In his mind, just because you weren't ready now didn't mean that there wasn't a chance that you would be in the future. Every once in a while, he'd pop the question again—more casually this time. And he took each rejection, every 'not now' with a soft shake of your head, as an opportunity to try again. He wouldn't stop trying until you either said "Yes" or rejected him with a definitive "No." Should you choose to respond with the latter, he'd be entirely crushed, but he'd respect your decision regardless. After all, you were doing it out of concern for his daughter.
Your relationship with Shinichiro was never just between the two of you from the get-go because Nina is, was, and always will be a part of his life. If you ever did marry him, she would be a permanent part of yours.
Personally, you tried to be for her what your mother never was for you. You tried to provide for her as a mother figure, but it seemed that she never accepted anything you did. If anything, she antagonized you, and it hurt you more than anything in the world.
No amount of stress from work could compare to the distress you experienced whenever Nina rejected another one of your attempts to prove yourself to her. For the second time in your life, you were begging to be recognized by someone who it seemed you could never do enough to please.
In the beginning, she would ignore you whenever you visited, whenever you spoke. “Hi, Nina.” She’d look the other way. “How was school today, Nina?” She’d enter a different room. “Are you hungry?” She’d pretend not to hear you. “You need to eat your dinner, Nina.” She’d walk away and act like her stomach wasn’t rumbling.
She grew used to your presence after your one year anniversary with Shinichiro, but things only worsened from there.
You’d receive a nasty glare upon entering a room she’s already in, only for her to slam herself shut in her bedroom. You’d feel small when she starts answering back at you for trying to get her to open up. You’d be faced with tantrums when you try serving her during mealtimes and she’s forced to breathe the same air as you. Sometimes when she’s feeling particularly sour, you’d have to deal with the aftermath of her attempts to sabotage you. You’d find your laptop keyboard soaked in the sticky remnants of juice, the contents of your purse stuck in the crevices of the living room sofa, gum in your hair…
Yet you accepted it all without protest. How could you complain? You weren’t her mother, she wasn’t obligated to like you.
If Shinichiro reprimanded her for her actions, that’s a matter between father and daughter. You had no right to step in like it was your business. You’re reduced to hope that one day, maybe she’ll finally warm up to you.
But that hope was slowly diminishing.
And it terrified you when, one day, Shinichiro came up to you to ask if he could leave Nina in your care while away for business purposes. Something about Mikey and Draken requesting for his assistance in their own bike shop in Manila.
"You're leaving me with that witch?" she had complained to her dad at the airport just before he left. She was so unwilling to let him go even just for a week, which made the idea of marriage into the Sano family all the more discouraging, yet you tried to be understanding nonetheless as it would be the first time in her eight years of life bring away from her dad for more than a day. Not to mention, it would be the longest time she’d be spending in your care. Shinichiro glanced at you apologetically, worry drawing his eyebrows close, but you merely gave him a tight smile. It would be alright. (You hoped.) "But she hates me! Don't leave me with her!"
"Hey, hey, what are you talking about, angel? She doesn't hate you." He bent down to hold her properly, consoling her in hushed whispers.
It felt as though you were nothing but an intruder once again, so instead, you distracted yourself by getting the last of Shinichiro's luggage from the trunk of your car. You made sure to take your time so they could have a proper farewell.
You couldn't help but think what it was that you did that made her hate you and most importantly, what made her think you hated her, because as far as you knew, you were giving nothing less than your absolute one hundred percent in trying to form an emotional connection with her. To understand her, to provide for her, to be there for her. But all she's done is push you away, and you're constantly at a loss as to why.
Were you not caring enough? Were you not sensitive enough to her needs? Were you too suffocating as an outsider? Did you come off too strong or did you not try hard enough?
The cloud of doubt over your head took you back to your youth. For a moment, you weren't the adult version of yourself that moved to Tokyo, became successful in business, and almost got engaged. In that moment, you were once again that little girl who could never be enough. You were that insecure child who never stood up to herself and grew accustomed to being walked over, forgotten in the dark by her own flesh blood because she could never be what they saw in others. You were the little girl who only saw her flaws and everything she didn't have.
The slam of a car door brought you back to reality. Nina had retreated to the backseat of your car. You sighed, closing the trunk.
"You're not gonna cry too are you?" Shinichiro teased, taking his luggage from you. "It's flattering you'd miss me that much, really, but I don't think I could handle both of you crying, no?"
"Ha-ha..." you rolled your eyes as he pulled you in with one arm for a hug, burying his nose in your hair. "If anything, I expected you to cry." You relax against his body, melting at his touch. “But I will miss you. Even if you are pretty damn annoying.”
“Pretty what?”
You could practically make out the grin on his face through the tone of his voice alone. “I said you’re pretty annoying.”
“Mm… all I hear is you calling me pretty, my love.”
“I said no such thing.”
“Okay.” He kissed the top of your head. “But do you think I’m pretty?” You nod. “Ah, but you’re prettier.”
“Like I said. Annoying.”
He laughed, bringing his other arm around to engulf you completely.
Shinichiro's hugs gave you a sense of safety. There's no place more comforting than with his body wrapped around yours. You'd give anything for the moment to last longer, but one glance at your watch and you were forced to push him away so he could catch his flight on time.
"You'll be fine," he declared, setting both palms on your shoulders. When you looked away, he brought up a hand to nudge your chin up. "I'm serious. Think of this as an opportunity to bond with Nina. You never know, maybe she'll finally warm up to you."
You looked at her through the window and there she was, sporting a grumpy pout, sitting with her arms crossed, and stubbornly swiping at stray tears. "Yeah, I doubt that," you huff. The defeat weighing itself onto you already, but you straighten up just as fast as it comes. You straighten his shirt—a habit you picked up through the years—and finish with a pat on his chest. "Anyway, you gotta go like now or you'll miss your flight."
"Alright, alright..." he took a few steps back. But it was a feigned surrender as he quickly sneaked up on you again, stealing an exaggerated smooch complete with a smack of his lips and a mutter of "Last kiss."
He smiled when you laughed at his antics, cupping your face again to kiss you properly this time. "You got this, Y/N. I believe in you." He pecked your forehead before he rummaged through his pockets. "And maybe... when I get back..." He lifted your palm, pressing a kiss to it before the ring he had used to propose to you multiple times with was delicately placed in the middle of it. "Maybe you'll finally be ready to wear this. If I have hope, you should too."
You'd been so lost in your thoughts that you almost forgot who your efforts were all dedicated for. The one who had more faith in you than you did. You really were gonna miss him, even if you would only be apart for a week. You wondered what your life was like without him, already having long forgotten what it was like to be entirely by yourself.
He kissed you one last time, and you watched him retreat past the automatic doors of the airport, waving goodbye a final time before getting into your car. And so began the long week ahead of you.
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Getting her settled into your apartment that night was by far the easiest thing you had to handle. She headed straight to your guest bedroom, and you left a plate of food outside the door. Thankfully, you came back a few hours later to find the dish empty. She must have been really tired.
The next day, you made sure to get up earlier than usual to go through your morning routine and start breakfast before waking Nina up for school. You were feeling pretty good about the first night not involving anything brash, and your good mood carried on as you pranced around the kitchen frying eggs and bacon in a pan. You know Shinichiro likes listening to music in the morning, so you made sure to put on his favorite radio station.
You were about to knock on the guest bedroom door when it was harshly swung open. “Good morning, Nina!” You tried, but like always, your attempt was soiled as she stomped past you, still in her pajamas, and into the kitchen. “I know your dad makes you bacon and eggs every morning so I—“ she jerked your pantry open, pulling out a box of cereal and opening a new carton of milk.
Nina scoffs. “You didn’t even put the milk in the fridge?” A rhetorical question, judging from her tone. To be fair you really should have just put it in the fridge when you bought it, but you’ve been so busy with work that you hardly had the time to even restock around the kitchen. Still, the eight-year-old had a point. It took a minute, even less, to just open your fridge and pop it in. You had nothing to say.
She took her bowl of cereal to the sofa in your living room, turning up the volume of your TV that the radio you’d left on could no longer be heard and leaving you alone on your kitchen counter. You figured it was in your best interests to just let her do her thing and sulk over the extra breakfast food you’d prepared for her while you had your own meal. If she didn’t want to eat it, maybe your coworkers would appreciate the treat then.
As soon as she finished, she tossed her used bowl and spoon into the sink with a loud clang, making her way back to her room to dress.
You sighed, putting the dishes away properly and tidying up the state of your living room sofa. There was a stain on one of the cushions from spilled milk, you noted. You’d have to scrub it off later.
You gathered your things and grabbed your keys by the front door. “Time to go, Nina!” Upon hearing no response, you waited a while but then noticed that if you didn’t get going soon, both of you would be late. You called out for her again, but still, nothing.
You approached the door to her room and knocked softly. “Hey, you okay in there? Nina—“
“Fine, I’m here!” She seemed troubled, frustrated even as she opened the door. Her hair was messed up more than it was earlier, and you realized that Shinichiro usually fixes her hair before she went off to school. She must have been struggling, trying to get it done herself. You tried offering your assistance, but you were once again cut off with a sharp “No.”
The glare she gave was menacing. It managed to tell you so many things without having her say it herself. You’re not dad. I don’t like you. I don’t know what my dad even sees in you. Don’t come near me. Don’t touch me. It stung more than it should, it really did. The weight of each message processing through her stare pressed down on your chest, but you prayed your weakness didn’t peek through your demeanor. You took all your pain, your distress, and washed it down in one big exhale—a technique you find that you’ve gotten more and more accustomed to. You clutched the keys in your hand. “Alright. Let’s go.”
She was quiet for most of the ride, only staring either at the road ahead or out the window. In a way, you’re grateful that she isn’t finding any more things to berate you for. You were even nervous to try turning on the radio, afraid it wouldn’t be to her liking, but the silence was so tense, so ominous that your mind was getting more discombobulated by the minute.
“I didn’t have time to prepare a bento for you, I’m sorry.” You glanced sideways at her. You know she can hear you, but you doubt she’s actually listening to a word you say. Pulling out a few bills from your purse, you hand it to her. “Here you go—for your lunch. There’s a little extra in there too, in case you get hungry for snacks.”
She was barreling out the door the minute you pulled up in front of her elementary school. “I’ll pick you up at three!” you hope she heard you.
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Unfortunately for Nina, you couldn't take her straight home after school. You’d have to take her back to the office until work hours were officially over. You’d go home on time for the rest of the week though, as you promised yourself you wouldn’t work overtime for Nina’s sake.
You were taken aback when, after a few minutes standing out your car to wait for her, Nina trudged out of the building alone, grabbed your wrist, and dragged you behind her towards your car, keeping her head down all the while. “Whoa, what’s going on?”
“Shut up Y/N, let’s just go. Please.”
She sounded so desperate to leave, it gave you the impression that something might have happened in school today. You set a reminder in your head to try bringing it up later on. You could see that, right now, she just needed to get off of school grounds.
“Nina, hold on!” Nina froze for a millisecond, tugging harder on your wrist only to ultimately be stopped by who you assumed was her teacher. “Hey,” she chuckled. “What’s the rush?” She then noticed you, greeting you with a warm smile and a curt bow. “I’m Ms. Nishimura, Nina’s homeroom teacher. You must be Mrs. Sano?”
“I—“
Nina yanked herself away from you. She curled in on herself, mumbling, “She’s… not my mom.”
Ms. Nishimura immediately backtracked, apologizing for her mistake, but you reassured her that it was okay. You gave Nina your car keys, motioning for her to go wait in the car. She briskly complied without argument.
She looked too uncomfortable standing out there with you and her teacher, but she obviously had something she needed to talk about so you had to stay to entertain it in Shinichiro’s place. You quickly explained to her teacher about your situation—your place in Sanos’ life, who you were to Nina, that she was in your care for the week (though you obviously left out the details about your strained relationship with her indoors).
“So, is Nina doing okay in school? Is there anything I should be concerned about?”
“About that,” Ms. Nishimura pushed up her glasses. “Nina’s a good student—nothing to worry about there. But, there’s a parent-teacher conference coming up this Thursday. Just a sort of annual event with the parents to talk to them about the curriculum, let them know how their child’s doing, etcetera… and I was just a little concerned since Mr. Sano hasn’t gotten back to us with regards to confirming his attendance. I’ve been trying to get Nina to follow him up on the school’s invitation, but you said earlier that he’s out of town so...”
“I see.” You glanced at Nina for a second, catching her fiddling with her fingers and staring at her lap. This must have put her in an awkward spot with her teacher who didn’t know about situation until you explained it. You tried to recall your schedule for this Thursday, scanning through the things you had allotted that day for before saying, “I’ll go. I can attend the parent-teacher thing in Shinichiro’s place.”
This evidently relieved Ms. Nishimura of the pressure on her shoulders. “Oh, thank god! That was the last response we needed from Nina’s grade, so thank you. I look forward to seeing you on Thursday then Ms. Y/L/N!”
Every day after school, Nina would stay in your office, completing homework and sometimes wandering around to relieve herself from boredom. Your coworkers loved her presence, judging from the way everyone would be all-smiles when greeting her in the hallways. Nina would also be included whenever someone decided to bring everyone a treat—which became a more common occurrence throughout the week that she was there. Because of this, you didn’t need to worry about her so much as you bustled around the building fulfilling your duties, knowing that Nina’s a smart kid and that your coworkers would keep an eye on her for you when you couldn’t.
She wasn’t too hard on you either during office hours. You’re sure it had something to do with being in a foreign environment where adults ran to and fro, but as the days passed and the more she adjusted to the new setting, her complaints grew. She’d complain when she was hungry, when she was bored, when she was longing to go home—all understandable on her part. One thing you were thankful for was that she never threw tantrums in front of your coworkers, choosing to let out her distress within the privacy of your office. Sure, you had to find a way to quiet her whines and sometimes deal with her grumbles, but you had faith in yourself that you’d find a way whenever the occasion arrived.
“Y/N. I wanna go home!” She stood before your desk where you were typing away on a keyboard. She was already carrying all her things, prepared to take off at any minute and fully expecting you to do the same.
You glanced at the time at the corner of your screen. “Just a few more minutes, baby.”
“Don’t call me that! And I wanna go home now!”
You sighed, rubbing your temples. Then your phone began to ring.
One look at the name flashing onscreen and you slid the device over to Nina. "It's your dad."
She lit up so fast at that, grabbing your phone and happily chatting away with him.
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Thursday came faster than you could blink.
You managed to clear your schedule for the rest of the day after 3 PM, and after agreeing with yourself that you wouldn't pick up any work-related calls past that hour, you found yourself being toured around Nina's elementary school campus and chatting with her teachers about her academic performance.
It filled you with pride knowing that she was excelling in her subjects. You took mental notes of each remark her teachers said about her, determined to fill Shinichiro in about it tonight over video call. If you were already swelling with pride, just imagine the look on his face once he hears about his little girl's teachers' impressions and comments of praise.
The conference went by pretty smoothly until you were pulled aside towards the end of it by the same homeroom teacher you'd met the other day.
Ms. Nishimura lead you to a bench outside so that you could have a more private chat. She prefaced whatever she needed to say with a greeting, happy to see you again, and then she went into the only detail of concern she'd picked up from seeing Nina every day. "I noticed that she doesn't really get along with the other kids. I know that she has a few friends, but she doesn't really have a group that she normally goes along with, if you get what I mean?" You nodded. "I'm just worried since it's her second year of elementary school, you know? I don't think it's best for her to be spending her school life without friends..."
It's also something you'd noticed within the short span of time it took to drop her off and pick her up. She would always be walking alone, head turned down to watch her feet move as she walked. It did concern you a bit, but hearing it from her teacher this time made you frown all the more.
"Maybe if—"
"Go away!"
"No one wants to be your friend because your mom left you!"
"You must have done something really bad for that to happen!"
You and Ms. Nishimura were alarmed to hear something like that come from what sounded like a child's mouth. Immediately, you both followed the source of the ruckus just behind the school's main building. You made it just in time to see some kid pushing Nina onto the rough ground.
"Hey!" You shouted at the bullies. Ms. Nishimura took on the responsibility of scolding the students and calling their parents who were still inside the school.
Rushing over to Nina's side, you tried to check her for injuries, catching sight of a red mark on her cheekbone before she jerked her head away from you, hanging her head in shame yet unwilling to let her guard down. "Get away from me!" She stood up on wobbly legs, pushing you away when you tried to assist her.
You gave her your car keys. "Here. You can wait for me in the car. At least let me handle this, okay?"
She wordlessly took it from your hand, and you took note of the little scrapes on her palms. You put on the face you used during business deals, fully determined to have a solid talk with those other kids' parents.
Once you got back to your apartment, you went straight to finding an ice pack and your first aid kit. Opening the door to Nina's room, you found her sitting at the edge of her bed staring into space. You knelt down beside her, bringing up the ice pack to her cheekbone, but she flinched from your touch. "Leave me alone."
"I'm just trying to help you, Nina."
"I said leave me alone! I don't want your help!" She hid under the covers, curling up into a ball.
You sighed. "About what that kid was saying earlier, it's not your fault you know?"
You could barely hear her muffled words but there was one phrase you caught clearly: Stop pretending like you care... and she sounded like she was holding back tears.
"Stop pretending... like I care? Nina, I— What are you talking about?"
"Don't act like you don't know!"
"But I really don't! If you would just help me understand—"
"Just stop!"
"I—"
"No! You're not my mom, so stop acting like you care about me and dad. You're just going to leave us the same way she did! I know dad keeps asking you to marry him, so just go already if you're going to keep saying no to him!"
She was full-on sobbing at this point, tears running down her cheeks in waterfalls and snot dribbling down her nose. You knew from the get-go that she had a lot on her plate even as a mere eight-year-old, but what you didn’t know was that she carried the weight of her troubles on her shoulders. You realize now that you failed to see how she was just like you. Afraid.
Afraid that everyone would be the same.
It all made sense now, looking back:
You’d receive a nasty glare upon entering a room she’s already in, only for her to slam herself shut in her bedroom. You’d feel small when she starts answering back at you for trying to get her to open up. You’d be faced with tantrums when you try serving her during mealtimes and she’s forced to breathe the same air as you. Sometimes when she’s feeling particularly sour, you’d have to deal with the aftermath of her attempts to sabotage you. You’d find your laptop keyboard soaked in the sticky remnants of juice, the contents of your purse stuck in the crevices of the living room sofa, gum in your hair…
All because she wanted to push you away. She was scared of letting you into their lives only for you to leave and never come back, so instead she tried to speed up the process to save both herself and her dad from the pain of having you walk out—that was what she wanted to do, you understood that now. "You think I'm gonna leave... Is that why you hate me so much?" You set down the ice pack on the bedside table.
"Huh?” She hiccuped, rubbing at her wet eyes. “I don't hate you..."
How ironic. “Well, I thought you did,” you chuckled, kneeling down by the bed where she sat. You spoke in soft tones. "I haven't said yes to your dad because I didn't want to force myself into your life like that.” And it was true. It would have been greatly unfair to have her be the one to adjust when you would be the new person in their family. You reached out a hand, testing the waters to see if she would move away from you again. You fully expected that she would but…
She didn’t.
Not having her avoid you like you had the plague for the first time in the four years you've known her was a feeling you don’t think you’d ever forget from here on out. Your first success. The first time your relationship with Nina didn’t seem like a hopeless case. The overwhelming feeling of finally having taken a step—a big step, it felt like—in the right direction with her was enough to bring tears up to your eyes. You gently cupped her face, and upon feeling the weight of her head in your palm, you smiled. “I couldn't do that to you."
She tried to speak through her hiccups and sniffles, but you hushed her.
"If you'll let me, I don't plan to leave you or your dad—both of you.” She gripped the sheets so hard, her knuckles were turning white. You were slightly nervous that she’d lash out, but you held onto the moment you two were currently sharing, making the most of it as much as you can so that while you were able to see where she was coming from, she would hopefully also see you. “In a way, you're kind of right, you know? I'm not like your biological mom because unlike her, I'm not going anywhere."
And at that, Nina launched herself against your body, wrapping her smaller arms tightly around your body. You embraced her just as tightly—maybe even more. You tried soothing her as she cried harder, rubbing your hand up and down her back and combing your fingers through her hair. At one point, you kissed her head, and she gripped onto you even tighter.
That night, she refused to let go of you and you slept with her in the guest bedroom, only being able to convince her that you both had to get cleaned up before she attached herself onto you again. She clung onto you the entire night, never once daring to let go. "Can I not go to school tomorrow?" she had meekly asked you before she fell asleep.
You kissed her hair. "I'll take the day off, too. We can spend the entire day at home if you want." She nodded. She deserved to rest after all that happened today, and who knows for how long she's been experiencing that from her classmates without anyone knowing.
The next day, she woke up before you did, shyly asking if she could help you cook bacon and eggs the way she and her dad did every morning. When you agreed, she built up her confidence little by little. She demonstrated how her dad would let her be the one to crack the eggs into the pan, imitating his exaggerated exclaims of oh no! every time a shell fell into the mixture. She had you turn on the radio and told you which songs were their favorite ones to sing along to, even dancing around a little bit. She showed you her favorite TV shows, she introduced you to the stuffed toy she brought with her to your apartment, she told you embarrassing stories about Shinichiro...
And to meet her halfway, you showed her some things you liked to do as well. You both lounged in your pajamas and robes (you let her borrow one of your old, nice ones), told her the stories behind the photos of you and her father on your phone, ordered food from restaurants you knew that she would enjoy.
It was the first day in so long that you felt that you could completely relax, and from what you could tell, it was the same for her. You've never seen her smile so big or laugh so hard before.
That night, while you were doing your skincare routine, you had her try out some of your favourite products. You both giggled at each other's bubbly faces while you applied your cleanser, and she was fascinated by the array of face masks you presented her with.
You had her lay in your lap as you massaged the serum of one of the sheet masks into her face. "Are you gonna marry my dad now?" She had her eyes closed, out of relaxation or fear for your answer—you didn't know.
But you smiled, remembering the ring that Shinichiro left you with because your final answer would be nothing less than, "Yes."
You gently guided her off your lap before you stood up to go fetch the engagement ring.
"Y/N?"
You recalled what Shinichiro told you that day at the airport.
"Maybe... when I get back..." He lifted your palm, pressing a kiss to it before the ring he had used to propose to you multiple times with was delicately placed in the middle of it. "Maybe you'll finally be ready to wear this."
You were sure now. You're ready. When you came back into the room with Nina, she watched you slip the ring onto your finger with such wonder. You had to talk her into keeping it a surprise for her dad, though.
And though he didn't cry before he left, there were tears that escaped him when he came back, seeing both you and his daughter in such a new light and—what's more—spotting the twinkling of the engagement ring he left you with sitting comfortably on your ring finger and finally ready to take the next step.
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all rights reserved © smolla-than-a-bug, 2021. please do not copy or repost my works. reblogs/feedback/comments are appreciated!
notes — extra: wfm!shin as a dad hcs !
tokyo revengers taglist — @victoirerambles
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This is not a thirst buuuuut imagine having a date with enjou and have a cuddle session with him I can imagine him melting into our touches
hi hi anon!
omg yes askcbakcb!! i'm gonna hyperventialte from the overwhelming wholesomeness of this,,
when enjou takes you out on a date, he can't just show up in the city in his real form, so he has to take his human form; not that you mind. he's still just as handsome, although he looks rather derpy and cute as a human. black-framed glasses bring out his golden-brown eyes that sparkle and swirl with curiosity, and you made sure to buy him a more fitting and fancier kimono. and his hair is still the same, although with a much bluer and darker tint, and you make sure that nothing is out of place before taking him on your date.
enjou's so excited, saying that he's never been on a date like this before, so he sticks close to you, and keeps his oddly soft and barely warm hand interlaced with yours. it feels strange, having such a soft and fleshy hand instead of a monstrously big, armored hand that dwarfs yours, but you adjust to it just fine. he still has his goofy personality, and it would be incredibly hard to determine if he was really affiliated with the abyss.
since enjou doesn't exactly seem to have any mora on him whatsoever, you end up paying for everything. not that you really care, since you get to spoil him lots and get him to try all sorts of foods in inazuma. he looks really cute with his cheeks stuffed like that, and he insists that you feed him yourself, pouting and giving you puppy eyes that melt you. he has a bottomless pit for a stomach, wanting to eat anything he can get his hands on. it's not every day that he gets to do this y'know, so he wants to treasure every last bit of it. your wallet is fucking crying,,
enjou's like a little kid, marveling at everything around him and asking constant questions and soaking up all the information like a sponge. but anytime he spots something interesting, he squeezes your hand and tugs you gently, pointing and asking. he's pretty well-mannered, and you promise him that once the two of you get back, you'll give him lots of hugs and kisses. now he's really happy.
and to finish it off, you take him to see a fireworks show, with a perfectly picked spot that provides good scenery and a good view. you're too busy admiring the fleeting bursts of colorful sparks that you fail to see enjou staring at you. so when you look to your side to ask him if he had a good time, you find him smiling at you gently, a warm and fond look in his amber eyes. enjou cups your cheek, and tells you how much he loves you, how you make him so happy, and that he's so glad he met you.
the two of you share a melting and passionate kiss as a booming firework explodes in the backdrop. it feels so warm and heart-racing that you just stay like that, tasting and just embracing each other until it's time to go home.
you love him so much that it burns. you want to stay with him forever, you want to love him forever.
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ...
enjou loooves to cuddle you; it's like his favorite hobby besides gaining and finding new knowledge. he's always seeking out your affections like a puppy, making a deep purring from within his chest as your soft hands stroke the hardened exterior of his head. you swear you've never seen an abyss lector happier than him in this very moment; he looks ready to burst from sheer joy.
he always nuzzles up to you in bed, pressing his cheek against your chest and sighing when he hears your heartbeat thumping inside you, the soft beats soothing him to sleep. he does his best to try not to rest his entire weight on you, because he could crush you with how big he is compared to you. it's rather cute watching this big pyro lector shuffle on the bed as he struggles to find the perfect position to curl up next to you.
enjou melts into your embrace, almost immediately forgetting all his worries and troubles against the feeling of your soft body. you could just pat his head and he'd be close to ascending to celestia from vibes alone. like he could be having a bad day and you hold out your palms, and as soon as he rests his chin on them, he's as content as can be. it's really adorable, and also his way of getting your attention, but you don't mind. he deserves lots of love.
that's why sometimes he'll cuddle in his human form, sighing at how you fit perfectly in his arms and that he can finally rest with you without having to worry about his huge frame. he also likes it because it makes it easier for you to spoil him with kisses and gentle hugs, so it's fair game for him. he doesn't mind being the little spoon, in fact, he enjoys it. anything to be showered with your love and to feel the soothing warmth and softness of your body against his.
enjou loves the way you happily accept and embrace him--no, he loves you. everything about you.
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majestyeverlasting · 3 years
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Hi!! Could you write for Bucky prompts 4 and 26??
♡ Hi, Anon!! I love this prompt pairing so much! Thank you for requesting this, and for waiting on me to get around to it! In this one, Bucky and the reader visit a park in Brooklyn that stirs up some nostalgic memories. But what he doesn't know is that, later that night, he'll learn that he's going to be a father. There's some pretty fall imagery and lots of sweet moments. I hope you like it! (Note: this isn’t canon regarding Bucky’s true age)
♡ Prompt 4: "Remember we used to come here when we were kids?"
♡ Prompt 26: “I’m not reading this thing wrong, am I? You’re really pregnant?”
All I Ever Wanted
There was a crispness to the evening air as the beginnings of fall settled within Brooklyn. The trees of Prospect Park, once green, were slowly transitioning into rich shades of orange and red. As you and Bucky walked along one of the pathways, leaves crunching beneath your shoes, there was an absence of car engines and horns—it was peaceful. All there was to be heard was chirping birds, the soft chatter of other park-goers, and the occasional whir of a cyclist’s wheels whenever one passed by.
Upon reaching a wooden bridge, the gentle sound of flowing water emerged as well. Beneath it, was a slender waterfall that fed into a small pond with dead leaves floating on the surface. Bucky wrapped an arm around your waist as the two of you admired it from over the railing. Somehow the whole day, including that moment itself, had managed to feel like a dream.
The two of you hadn’t been to Prospect Park in what felt like forever. Life had a way of sweeping you up in winds of responsibility that kept you from enjoying moments of stillness. But those winds had since drifted elsewhere, leaving the two of you with the freedom to simply be. Venturing out into nature and away from the noise had been Bucky’s suggestion earlier that morning. There was no place like the outdoors that was capable of soothing the soul.
“Look, doll,” he said eventually. Your eyes followed where his free hand pointed.
On one of the big rocks peeking out of the water below, a yellow butterfly had perched itself on a rock. “Yeah, I see it. It’s so pretty.” You smiled when he gave you a gentle squeeze.
“You know what butterflies symbolize?” You met his gaze, willing for him to continue. “Life and new beginnings,” he said, pressing a kiss to your temple.
For a fraction of a second, you froze. You’d managed to keep yourself collected for the entirety of the day, but hearing those words quickened your heartbeat. Enough so that you became all the more reminded of what he didn’t know—not yet.
That morning, as he spoke to you through the bathroom door about going to Prospect Park, you’d been staring at a positive pregnancy test. You barely had enough breath to agree to the outing. And when he’d asked if you were okay, you told him you were fine, but left out the fact that your lives would be changing forever in the months to come.
The two lines on the stick explained weeks worth of your body trying to communicate to you. It explained that deep sense of knowing that refused to go away. To say that you wanted to merely tell Bucky would’ve been the largest understatement of your lifetime. With all the emotions that stirred within you, you wanted to scream, cry, and jump at the same time.
A voice within you encouraged you to make the moment you told Bucky really special and intimate. Especially considering every turn that his life had taken over the years. So you vowed to wait until the two of you arrived home from your evening at the park.
“Life and new beginnings,” you repeated. You were already aware that such was associated with butterflies, but hearing him say it in that moment carried a certain magnitude. “I love the sound of that.”
Later, after walking further, you found yourselves nestled on one of the benches overlooking the lake. The water sparkled in the warm light of the sun as it prepared to set. A couple men stood peppered along the bank fishing. Children giggled as they chased after each other. Paired with the fall trees and colors all around, it was nothing short of a beautiful scene.
You let your head rest on Bucky’s shoulder, and took his real hand in yours to play with his fingers. There was a time, years ago, when the two of you would play along that same lake—throughout the whole park, actually.
You were the first to speak after a while, “Remember we used to come here when we were kids?” You straightened up from his shoulder to look at him.
“Of course I do,” he said, a smile starting on his face. “Especially during the summer. We’d always try to find open fire hydrants to play in after we left. And if we were lucky, our mom’s would let us get ice cream or shaved ice,” he recounted, chuckling. “Those were the days.”
You shook your head. “I know. Now look at us.” About to have a child of our own, you thought.
“Yup. Time flies when you’re having fun,” he said, casting out a brief look around at the serenic evening. Then he focused back on you, his tone shifting, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah...” you tried not to answer too fast. “Why?”
Bucky narrowed his eyes a bit and gave a shrug. “I don’t know, I can just tell that something’s on your mind—ever since this morning,” he noted. “But you have yet to tell me what that something is, pretty girl.”
It took everything not to tell him right then and there, as you sat under a blue and orange sky in the park you knew like the back of your hand.
You offered him half a smile. “I’m that easy to read?”
He lifted a shoulder. “Not necessarily. I’ve been reading you for a long time so it’s easy.” You allowed yourself to chuckle when he playfully quirked his brows. “So am I gonna have to work really hard to coax it out of you?”
You shook your head earnestly. “I promise I'll tell you when we get home… I have something to show you.”
On your way out of the park, there was a mama duck waddling under a tree with her ducklings trailing behind her.
It wasn’t until after you and Bucky made it back to your apartment, and had changed into something comfortable, that you told him you were ready. He sat on the edge of the bed as you went to retrieve the small gift box holding the pregnancy test. It was a miracle that you had had enough supplies left over from birthdays and holidays to be able to make it look as presentable as it did.
You extended it to him from a couple feet away. So much anticipation had built within you that you felt light, and as though you were buzzing.
Bucky accepted the box, and looked up at you. There was a sparkle in his blue eyes. “Why are you standing a mile away from me? C’mere.” You inched closer, and laughed when he pulled you to stand more so between his spread legs.
As he began to undo the white ribbon on the box, your lower lip was secured between your teeth. It seemed as though he was moving entirely too slow and fast at the same time.
As soon as he popped the lid off to reveal the pregnancy test sitting on top of little strips of crinkled, beige paper strips, your heartbeat sped up. Bucky’s attention lingered on the test. When he finally looked up, his gaze attested to the influx of thoughts that had been sparked into motion within his mind.
“I’m not reading this thing wrong, am I?” He briefly looked back down to stick again. Two lines. “You’re really pregnant?”
A smile broke across your face. With the news out, it felt as though you were uncaging a group of birds that had been longing for freedom for way too long. Before you could say anything else, Bucky set the box aside and stood to press his lips to yours. You stumbled back at the intentness in which he gripped your waist. It was a kiss that you felt every part of him through; his love, his passion, his warmth. And an intoxicating mix of joy and expectation.
He pulled away just enough to speak. “We’re gonna be parents?” His breath fanned over your lips. Then he leaned back in to kiss you once more, a soft peck. “You’re carrying our child?”
Bucky’s hands slipped under your shirt, and the feeling of palms against your skin was pleasant in the best way. One was cooler than the other, but they were both gentle and reverent.
“Yes,” you breathed. “I found out this morning.”
He scratched gently at your stomach, sending a shiver through you. “You managed to keep it to yourself the whole day. That’s what was on your mind?” He kissed you again.
“You have no idea how bad I wanted to tell you. No idea.” You brought your hands up to his cheeks, the budding stubble scratchy against your palms. “But I wanted to wait until we came back from Prospect.”
Bucky released a breath after a few beats of silence. “I don’t even know what to say,” he said, voice low. “This is so crazy—a good crazy.”
“I know. I’m happy and terrified at the same time,” you admitted. “I’ve never felt this way in my entire life, but it feels….”
“Good,” he finished.
A laugh escaped you. “Yeah.”
Seconds later, he was getting down onto his knees to be level with your stomach. It wasn’t until he lifted your shirt to press a kiss to your stomach that the reality of the moment set in. For the first time since learning about your pregnancy, tears slipped down your cheeks.
Bucky heard you sniffle, and stood back up to take your hands in his. “This is all I ever wanted, you know that, doll?” A few tears had come to the waterline of his eyes. “A beautiful wife, a family. This is all something I thought I’d never have.”
You sniffled again, nodding. “You deserve everything,” you murmured.
“I have my everything right in front of me.”
Without waiting another moment, you wrapped your arms around his waist and squeezed him tighter than you had in a while. Parents. The two of you were going to be parents.
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