#sometimes im into it and sometimes im not so im not even sure id be a good partner

[fictionfixations]

all the sad tales

penacony + aventurine spoilers

the wiki probably contains this but for my own sake i need to keep this somewhere.

(it'll be in bold. what im not sure on will not be in bold)

(The murmurs near your ears grow louder, more booming. You can even see another ████ ████████. Let's hope you can hold on until the moment you step onto the stage of the amusement park.)

(whited out parts are parts i cant decipher yay)

im going to try my hardest not to miss anything because i really like aventurine and i want to take my time with this. but i also sometimes have a really short attention span or get too immersed in something that i forget everything else so like...

(You ████████ ██ ██ █ ██████ discovered a strange child -- He seems to hail from the Avgin origins(?)... Weren't they already wiped out?)

(need to stop sprinting. i keep noticing breakable objects or chest so then i sprint towards them and im going to end up missing something instead of just heading straight into activating more of the story)

bby kakavasha runs so fast oh my god (its kind of sad to imagine that he can run so fast probably to run away from well yknow...)

(You are completely entranced by the Avgin boy. Just who is(?) he? There's still time. Maybe you can catch up to him and ask him exactly what █████████.) (happened?) (the extra whited out part on just who --- is probably a space. otherwise it could be was but hm.)

(im going to cry if i miss checking it because an enemy is chasing after me and i run headfirst into story. yes i am a coward who doesnt like starting battles if i can help it. makes me wish i had acheron but id honestly never use her in battle unless i had someone to regenerate skill points considering i have 5 star dan heng, so other attack ppl on team dont get much attention, and i dont really know how to use her beside tehcnique insta kill?? does that mean i can whip out a lvl 1 acheron and it works??)

dont plan on talking about the dialogue too much (i saw multiple people go through the story before i started ngl) but (also aventurine boss creeping up on me... i literally only have one person on team who attacks multiple at a time, and no one else outside of the team is as built)

LISTEN. have you SEEn hyenas playfighting its fucking adorable. call someone a hyena, i call it a compliment.

i missed the first piece of text... i forgot...

(*Ride the Pinball Machine)

still the same

i dont know why but the puzzles in penacony make me lag so bad. the puzzles, the pinball machine, or that dreamweaver thing. bruh.

(*Win the Hide and Seek game and find the Avgin boy)

anyway from what im understanding you can tell how many letters are missing because its as many characters as a character is missing. whenever ive blacked out text i never do that cause its so much bigger than the original text (i do one block for every two letters ngl. but i also dont do it with the intention of people deciphering what it says)

(*Play the roll of █████ film) (wound?)

i dont know film terms enough to even decipher what it could be. it could be color. black. white.

wound? wound as in rolling? like uh uh. past tense of wind. like winding up a roll. a wound roll. cause the description of wounds.. it could be related to his family. or..

I MISSED IT AGAIN 'there is only water, not rock' or something like that

(*Leave the maze)

(*Check the things you(?) lost)

i cant decipher this one 😭. you??? (Leave the maze you(?) █o) but i dont know what would make sense of it then. idk.

oh fuck i forgot to check the objective. its. probably the same as the other one for when finding a 'lost' object but like...

AGHHH wiki came in clutch

(*Check the lost things and memories)

(*Escape escape(?) the maze escape(?) the past/last(?) escort(?)) (this is a lot of 'idk')

(Failure discarded selfish useless pointless coward murderer gambler blessed discarded loser chosen-one Mother Goddess's beloved crazy murderer blessed failure discarded loser pointless coward murderer chosen-one selfish fool(?) blessed discarded loser chosen-one you(?) loser discarded pointless coward(?) murderer gambler blessed █isc█████ useless loser chosen-one Mother Goddess's blessed/beloved(?) loser loser loser loser loser loser loser loser loser loser loser loser loser ████ ████ ███████████ ███ ██████ █████ █ ██ ████ █)

there might be way more losers then there should be because my eyes were getting confused. and also more of the blacked out character

this line right here makes me wonder why he's still in the IPC after like the end of 2.2 (..im pretty sure 2.3 is the next update)

my brain power is failing on me idk what this one is

im going to turn my settings to max for the picture because its so fucking pixel-y. im going to try to save it before my pc crashes.

my one complaint: the taking a picture function that continues the story disappears when you get close to kakavasha. so i cant take a photo with him and continue the story.,

whatever.where the fuck is the screenshot folder im crying

oh my god the LAUNCHER? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNow after i go through the star rail folder > games folder > starrail_data folder > screenshots

thats way too many folders for me to even notice 😭

second image cuz yes

I RAN PAST THE TEXT AGAIN

'there'll be one beside you' or something im sorry my memory is shit short term i already forgot

I MISSED MORE OF THE FLOATING TEXT 😭😭

'over plains, endless'

'into cracked earth, stumbling'

im stressed so im getting distracted

ARE YOU READY KIDS? I CANT HEAR YOUUU. WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA

"So run, Kakavasha, do not be afraid, and do not look back."

now go back and reread the previous quest thing.

okay thats it i think

#penacony #aventurine #hsr #star rail #honkai star rail #aventurine hsr #kakavasha #hsr aventurine #aventurine honkai star rail

[firefl1ezz]

i just. hit s+ rank in splatoon and i never honestly thought this would happen?? am i cool now.. do i get to be a part of the s4? do i get to be watered down to my running joke all the time?

#the last part is a joke but i do not see a whole lot of recognition of the s4 being. the s4 #like yeah they were cool formidable foes in the s1 era and skull even beat goggles despite his plot armor #but now theyre just #there?? #dont get me wrong i love their existence but #it feels like theyve been watered down at least a bit #skull is always just getting lost and army is almost always either the manual guy or the curry guy #thats. thats it thats their bits #skull also has the sweets thing #rider is sometimes a considerable foe too but at the same time the s4 doesnt usually consist of him so im not sure how much to count him #that being said it is a kids manga so i dont really expect it to lean too far into the formidable foes thing #even the xblood werent that scary in the long run and ended up goofy despite being who they were #i also get it in terms of fandom #i understand the appeal of something like aloha being cutesy dumb pink guy (who maaaaaaybe commited some crimes and it shows) #i also definitely understand the appeal of army having a thing for curry as well as the manuals #the manuals can be an endearing thing to write about trust me #but i also wouldnt mind seeing more things that center around the likes of the s4 and the xblood and even the best8 being the absolute best #of the best during their prime #reminder that s+ was the highest rank around when the s4 were introduced. same with the xblood #they were the strongest players and id like to see things that center around that #id like to imagine that moving on to the square and splatsville that the s4 would have had a chance to move uo and get into xbattles #i think of all of them skull and army would have the highest chances of actually making it to xrank and being successful #but honestly if mask and aloha could probably make it pretty well too if they got off their asses #and i think rider would excel as well being rider #he has his own kind of near plot armour i think #so do most of the big teams in my opinion #theyre the sort of doomed by the plot that forces them to battle goggles at some point lmao #maybe i could use this in a fic or au one day #maybe someone already has... #(please send to me if you know of any creators who have played around with these vague ideas of strength i wanna see em)

[totallynotaraccoonindiscuise]

being arospec but not sure where i land has been really awkward like i say demiro but thats not really accurate so i just say "yeah im somewhere on the aromantic spectrum!!" Anyway this bingo felt really validating for me :>

#like i know i want some form of romantic relationship #and im even chill with poly if i ever ended up in a relationship like that #like i love love #but theres something there #and its not quite demi or gray #but its similar #and im not sure if theres even an identity for how i feel thats been coined yet #and i cant describe it well enough to make an identity out of it #and sometimes i wonder if i completely made all this up #and sometimes i think im just a random alloromantic thats trying to hard or something #but #every once in a while i come across someone with similar experiences to me #and think #“wow. maybe im not crazy” #and suddenly everything better for just a moment #thank you aro community for being so kind and accepting #id be lost without you guys <3 #aromantic #arospec #aromantism #lgbtqia #a is for aspec

[mihai-florescu]

The relationship between author characters and audience interests me... how characters gain a life of their own and to some extent agency in their writer's head, how a story needs an audience to be told, how retelling changes it, and as much as i dislike fandom as a whole, i do appreciate the idea of taking characters and putting them in new scenarios, or changing them into ocs and giving them a new story altogether... everything is inspired by other things isnt it, every story reflects humanity in a way, it's part of human nature to want to tell a story too. Ah initially i wanted to make this post to say i think this very reality of characters being different in everyone's heads causes problems sometimes... i wish i knew what others thought and what the authorial intention was. I dont like that i can only perceive things as myself even if im such a faithful spectator, i will never understand things like someone else. And that also makes me so scared of sharing things. Ive told you before im an overbearing mother killing her babies early, before they can even develop a life of their own, by wrapping them in tight cloth to stay warm and safe; i couldnt stand someone with impure eyes looking at them. What to do what to do...

#no this post was supposed to be about how it distresses me Sometimes that my spinterest has multiple writers because of #this characters developing different lives in everyones heads thing #but then i started worrying about my project again #i sent mar the audio today and it was so scary... but im thinking of putting the finished thing on youtube eventually...? #im not sure #the visual wip from my animator is sooo cuteee though they sent it to me a bit ago...! #id like the world to see their work... even if im shy about my part #i am still the mother of the project though i should have some pride in my text too #sigh

[sophiethewitch1]

no i will NOT acknowledge the early warning signs for schizophrenia warning list what do i look like I'm someone who deals with their problems?? absolutely not

#sophie speaks #tw vent #i exist purely to make my meagre amount of followers worry. hey hope you're scared shitless again /jk #i should make a personal blog to talk about this stuff but i still see this as my personal blog and also it works like #yknow when u shoot a gun to make sure the rent doesn't go up. the idea of having even 3k followers scares me #anyways gang i literally have all of them lmfao #was talking to my mum last night about this really odd phenomena i experience sometimes #where peoples faces just look wrong #uncanny valley?? ugly?? terrifying?? idk i cant explain it they just look so disturbing to me i have to look away and #and i was like 'huh this sounds like schizophrenia' and then i had a valium because the idea scared me #ive got so much wrong with me I'm just so scared for my sense of reality to go wrong too #i just.. i feel like id be in complete free fall if i lost that #i mean technically did hearing voices is just inner hallucinations and i have those... all the time #well. im going back to undertale fanfic writing. healing my inner 15 year old w this one

[his-littlefox]

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

#im so sick of living in a religious house :(( #im sure its the reason for almost all my mental health problems and i cant even discuss it #i wanna respect my religion sm bc my familys believes in it sm but idk how long id be able to take it #i dont even realize how completely drained and numb ive become until im not at home #i have a pretty house loving mom and dad and three siblings and yet ive never felt so alone #its like i dont even know the girl who lives here #she feels nothing she reacts at nothing even talking feels like a chore to her #honestly i miss myself #i miss everything about me #religious values stupid expectations the constant judgment and need to mold me into something #im so tired of it 😭😭 #i just wanna live plsss #i dont know when my life will even begin #when will i have a life that’s my own?? #without a thousand ppl weighing it down #no one here lets me live 😭😭 #sometimes i wish id get kidnapped or smth #or id get lost #but i dont wanna hurt my mom and dad i love them sm!! #every night i hope to wake up somewhere else in a pretty fairytale <33 #im sure it’ll happen someday!! #sometimes im so sure itll happen the next day but it hasn’t yet… #i believe in magic and miracles #but sometimes the constant negativity of my home weighs me down so much :(( #i know i just have to keep believing to escape!! #maybe my hope isn’t strong enough yet but i know it will be someday!! #ik id one day wake up in a cute life <3 #i try so hard to be happy here but ughh sometimes i need to rant #daphnie rambles 𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan #i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch #shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else #even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress #but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside #academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project #i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send #myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it #but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or #maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something #just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there #it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so #tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing #ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position #and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle #sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux #i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices #even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany. #and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it #unrelated

[fallenandproud]

fun fact, the breaking point that led me to finally cave and make this sideblog was watching youtube shorts and the algorithm decied to throw a TON of hazbin hotel / helluva boss stuff at me and one came up with Lucifer Charlie's dad just as like. one of those edits and THEN i scroll and THE NEXT ONE IS SOMEONE DRAWING THE FALL FROM HEAVEN and i decided right then and there that on top of my demon fixation coping mechanism i now am going to project heavily onto LUCIFER HIMSELF.

#aster.txt #exmo moment #religious trauma #ell oh ell #exmo #exmormon #ex mormon #ex cult #apostate #i really like hazbin hotel /helluva boss's worldbuilding though #its like the only media that depicts anything even remotely christian that i can actually handle without it fucking me up #i havent watched good omens yet but im sure that one will make me project all sorts of issues #ive been watching the good place and even that one sets me off sometimes #im too messed up for anything even vaguely remniscent of how i was raised #but anyway yeah hazbin hotel youtube edits made me realize i relate to lucifer himself #and ive been going through faith crisis shit for EVER but even just like a year or two ago if you told me that #id have been so wildly uncomfortable for various reasons #i think thats funny #my religious trauma is so funny sometimes #mmmmmm demons

[needylittlegirl]

#hes me #i just got very like umm #i need to hold someones hand but that someone Needs to be my younger self #like i wish i could hold my hand so tight right now #growing up is scary and i just want her to know that im okay. that ill be okay #and that even if she isnt proud of me im proud of her #21 was always a big age in my head #in the sense that like. for awhle i was so sure i’d be dead by then #like i knew id graduate highschool and i figured i’d make it a few years but never to 21 #so just the fact that ill be 21 in a few hours really is. So wild and so scary #whatever im fine #also completely unrelated (i swear) i just got my panic attack chest feeling #i think its because i havent been sleeping much so im just exhausted #whatever #i want to grab little 8 year old me and just hug her so tight #i needed it then and i need it now #i hope shes okay. i feel her sometimes and i hope she knows im strong for her #everything i do is for the little girl i used to be #amd i hope everytime i tell her i love her it somehow reaches back through time and she can feel it #tbd

[b4g3lbit3s]

guys i might have a girlfriend but i cant tell if she’s joking or not when we talk about dating

#WHAT DO I DO #we’ve been best friends for 7 years #we always joke about dating and/or getting married #but romance is so weird for me because im into the idea but its also kind of terrifying #sometimes im into it and sometimes im not so im not even sure id be a good partner #and i dont want to label my love for her as romantic because it is but also isnt #i adore her and she’s a wonderful person and truly just the light of my life #she makes me so stupidly happy all the time and she’s been there for me at my lowest points #BUT I DONT WANT TO LABEL IT AS ROMANTIC BECAUSE THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE VOMITING IN THE BAD WAY #and i am NOT hitting her with the “what are we” 😭 #lgbtq #sapphic #lesbian #good golly gosh #im probs somewhere on the aroace spectrum but i truly do not care enough to use labels #im just saying though #i would treat her SO right if we were dating #like a fucking goddess

[toastsnaffler]

okay can we have a new rule that if you're my friend and know I struggle with rsd from adhd + you're planning on hanging out with mutual friends but specifically aren't inviting me for whatever reason. Maybe Don't Tell Me About It

#id just rather not know man. even if I cant go or dont particularly want to im going to get stung by it and it rly sucks #its a TON of extra effort i have to put in to emotionally navigate that information without overreacting and making it an issue #wait actually maybe i do need to sit down with her and explain this more explicitly. bc she probably doesnt rly know abt it #even tho ive mentioned it shes rly terrible at reading ppl and i probably dont let on much abt it anyway bc im used to dealing w it #ugh. but also its rly embarrassing to talk abt and ill have to tread so carefully to make sure it doesnt get misinterpreted. hmm #but itd be worth it if she stopped so. ill give it some thought #it makes me feel so unreal sometimes bc i cant always tell if im justifiably upset or if im 'just overreacting' so i assume the latter- #most of the time to give myself space to work thru the emotion and minimise the damage i might cause if i AM just overreacting #but then sometimes later on i realise that it was justified but its too late to bring it back up and anyway ive worked through it #and idk. theres smth self disrespectful abt it all im tired of making space all the time and never taking any up myself #im not THAT upset rn like this is a v minor thing but still. might be time to start nipping this stuff in the bud #aaanyway #im procrastinating eating bc i cooked a nice meal but now im not in the mood to eat it 😭😭 but i gotta fuel up..... #ill find smth to watch hopefully thatll do the trick #yawns so loud bye for now #.diaries

[sundial-bee-scribbles]

please I need hivemind Flower content I remembered randomly going through all your hivemind Flower posts before I had an account a couple months ago you don't get it this is my lifeline I need hivemind Flower I need the hivemind to take over the world and then just have Flower society with Flower president and Flower cashiers and Flower pilots and Flower jerma985

glad u like the au hehe :3 if you've already seen everything i'm sure the thing ill be posting in a few min wont offer much new stuff but that's one thing i can give rn, aside from this shitty doodle:

#ask #flower hivemind au #hmmmm i get the feeling you like flower a whole lot... 🤔🤔🤔🤔 gee... /silly #FLOWER JERMA 😭😭😭 #i'm sure if you'd want to discuss more stuff ollie would be open to it :0 but from my side you might not see stuff for a bit #just b/c im super busy rn :') BELIEVE ME i do think abt this sometimes and i have a lot of things i could say #but i wanna have good matching art to go w/ them so you'll have to wait ;^) #lowkey funny i do have one wip in my files rn (and other ideas in my head that havent even gotten to paper rip) but said wip's not that muc #ALSO LMAO sorry im on an iku fix rn so thats why shes randomly here. this just happens sometimes dw abt it #CAUSE LOL i was just thinking ive drawn plant iku before so. would a plant get fucked up by this stuff too or nah? #realistically id think either 1) iku is just. not a plant here if she exists here lmao #and 2) even if she was flowers are just that powerful i feel theyd be able to override that. plant on plant violence lmao. #im panic/stress-procrastinating on my work so hard rn it is not even funny. send help

[sunset-bridge]

gorbo thoughts part .. 3?

goro thoughts update. id like to ramble again

ok i think he might not have ocd actually! i mean he could but like...i dont think theres too many signs. so yes id like to. recall that. i think that was just me projecting LMAO.. its ok! i love learning more about my favorite guy. you know what he does have

i stand by the ocpd. (obsessive compulsive personality disorder, its a completely different thing from OCD. its a personality disorder) also Definetely ctpsd (complex ptsd)...... ! i was talking with someone and they brought it up and i was like. WOAG.. after reading about it

disclaimer: i only talk about these because i have them LOL.. im sure gorbo has a cute soup of Other problems but like. i cant really talk about those well... i find these two really interesting though.

see. ocpd, is like the perfectionist control freak disorder. its what people Think ocd is lol. BUT as a personality disorder, its so much more than that. people with ocpd also:

-you tend to have a black and white moral code

-your way is the only right way.

-you like to do things alone because no one else could do them right; this may cause relationship problems and you may come across as a fucking cunt ( i know this..)

difficulty compromising and accepting any critisicim of your actions or opinions.

excessive devotion to work and productivity

sosososo afraid of failure even if its kinda small. you feel it will ruin your image forever and ever. if i make a mistake put me to death please.

Frequently become overly fixated on a single idea, task or belief. even to detriment of . everything else in your life...

yeah...

me and some friends definetely see some of these in goro! ofc im so happy to hear what you guys think, i dont mind changing my views at all (like with the ocd thing i changed opinion about!)

like.. hes super fixated on his revenge plan, its the Only thing he cares about and everything is fair game if it allows him to advance that. leave him alone, its no one elses problem. he knows what hes doing. he has to be right about his values and beliefs. he has to. or else whats the point. dont tell him hes wrong. what do you mean? you dont know anything about him. he cant fail, he cant make mistakes, he has to work hard so everyone sees him exactly as he wants to and as someone valuable.

and. cptsd. as the name suggests its. a form of ptsd but..it has the Special Added features of:

-sometimes cant control emotions well

-you feel angry distrustful and resentful at the world in general

you feel worthless, empty or forever damaged by an event. like if you were stained with dirt forever.

you feel isolated. like no one could ever even understand what you went through (not in like an. edgy kid way. like fr. you feel even if you explained to people. they wouldnt understand you and your feelings. or theyd judge you and further hurt you...)

avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult (!!)

escapism or depersonalisation...dissociative behaviors .

yeah.. ! yeah. i think these ring quite some bells huh..! its really shitty! you feel like no one would get it, like no one would like you, like you are ruined forever and theres not much to do about it.

makes sense that goro would absorb himself in his plan. after all. he felt he was some sort of curse upon his mom; as if he was the one responsible for ruining her life.. but hed like to "redeem" himself with the revenge plan. he has to, even if its difficult to go on. i wonder if he planned to do anything if he achieved his plan? i dont think so. its a bit sad but.. he didnt really seem to plan doing. or living much more after. its like his whole life he convinced himself his only use would be as the vehicle to enact a revenge years in the making, and thats it.

as if he wasnt a person. just a tool to revenge. i think this is why its so difficult, frustrating and downright distressing to him to accept he too, has feelings and wants and needs like any Normal Person on planet earth. no way. those just interfere with the plan. and he has no right anyways.

i thought how id feel, in his shoes and with all my cute soup of wrong stuff, if some guy showed up, hes the guy i gotta kill. ok. then hes nice with me, as if mocking me. hes better at me in most things. he has friends and family and everyone likes him and he barely moves a finger. while i had to work so damn hard to even get acknowledged?? what does he have that i do not. hes nothing special. so why? then this guy acts like a fool even when hes so extraordinary in every aspect... does he think its funny? for someone so special to pretend to be ordinary. when id kill to be just half as special as him. honestly.. id become super frustrated with this bastard too. his presence would infuriate me. and the most frustrating thing, would be that this guy seems to be the only guy that seems to like hanging out with me. what the hell. guess he enjoys trying to humor me..

man...

#goro akechi #p5 #sure i guess #ahah the rival life with ocd ocpd and other fun things is so. fun (NOT) #man #this is why i became so attached to him when i was playing... its like. YO THIS guy this guy gets it (becomes obsessed) #im not joking i think goro is probably my favorite character in anything ever. at least now. but like. ive never. felt so much ...for any #fictional guy #man.... #love to hear you guys thoughts! as i said i dont dislike if you disagree on something; sometimes i may be seeing things wrong! i want to #know so much and understand my favorite guy ever ^^ hes so much to me. so id love to hear everything!! #after all. i hadnt even considered cptsd before someone brought it up. even tho. i also. have. it. LOL

[skitskatdacat63]

I know it would literally never happen, but whenever the speculation of who the next James Bond will be comes up, I can only think about how I would sell my soul to get a butch lesbian James Bond 😣

#cause people are always arguing against having a female 007 bcs it would change too much #okay so why not just swap her gender and change nothing else 😌 #i realized when writing this post tho that my one oc is literally my concept for a lesbian james bond 😭 #butch lesbian womanizer who wears suits all the time and smokes/drinks too much and loves money and weapons #i think about this every once in a while and i want it so badly but it will literally never happen #please she would be so masc and cool and sexy #i dont know if i necessary like the idea of making a new chara to be 007 #but like....female James Bond but nothing else changes 👀 #im trying to fall asleep and i can only envision various scenes from casino royale but w my version of james bond #pls she could be jamie bond!!! #sorry this is completely random and probably nonsensical but it haunts me so often #every time i rewatch casino royale im like man...espionage movies are cool! and then start fantasizing about female james bond #the names bond. jamie bond. #maybe i will draw it sometime #just not sure how id design her bcs as i said my brain cant help but be a bit stuck on my oc that fits pretty well #but seriously. they wouldnt even have to change anything! #like they have all the jokey pun names for women...guess what. even more opportunities #but like gahhhhhh i think about a masc woman in the bond movies ive watched and im like wow i would enjoy this movie substantially more! #like the shower scene in casino royale........ #i cant even rly bring myself to watch bond movies older than the daniel craig ones bcs the objectification and misogyny bothers me too much #but imagining a masc woman in their place 👀 i am on board! #imagining her with bond girls 😳😳😳😳😳 #sorry again: super random but it is late please forgive me #catie.rambling.txt

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

Shout out to the folks at work the other day that enabled/encouraged me to go on a lil infodump about being transgender and who had genuine questions and listened to my answers. Obviously it's not something queer folks should be expected to do but I love being a point of information for people! I love talking about my experiences and my understandings of philosophies that intersect with that and I think alot of cishet people are maybe uncomfortable asking blunt questions? But so long as they're posed in good faith and with willingness to think about the response, I enjoy answering those weirdly specific things. How else to we dispel the willful ignorance that places of power want to foster towards us? I refuse to he a scapegoat and am deeply grateful to the people that are receptive to experiences outside their own

#young 20 something mum and middle aged mother of 3 #both just. asking *questions* #what do hormones do? when/how did you know? why is it so important to you? #these ate genuine questions seeking to understand!! and it means so much to me that i can BE that point of understanding! #adfhsjsj they were talking about periods and the younger woman was like. sorry if this is uncomfortable Jason #and im like. lol dont even worry i still get then too and they suck #older woman was like??? i thought hormones stop them??? im not on hormones yet i just naturally have hormonal imbalance thanks to PCOS #its just...if someone genuinely doesnt understand but is willing to learn? its a conversation worth having. #and i cant know that i always have a positive effect but i ways come back to the vaguely right leaning centrist dude i worked with at mcds #who told me i had changed his view of masculinity and gender as a whole #just by talking and explaining ny experiences #even if he ends up being the only other person I affect..its all worth it.because without me or someone like me he would never have changed #sorry i just get emotional sometimes thinking abkut how...probably the majority of cishets who arent plugged into tumblr #do not experience queer people. hell #im sure there are alot of queer people who havent been exposed to queer theory either #and it means the world to me that i can present and explain that understanding. that willingness to understand. #fuck man if you had told me id be doing this in my early teens id never have thought it possible

[zoppzoop]

GAAHAHHHHH

#venting in the tags #maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much #but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn #im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but #i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me #feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it. #plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel #like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went #back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening #and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just #crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and #usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine. #i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better #but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that #plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut #the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad #'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like #shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those #fuck you you bitch #i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep #tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less #ps. note to anyone reading the tags #im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.