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pinkadork · 6 months

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Tw; abuse, breakup rant, emotions:

I love you even if you're right in hating me. I fucked off hard. Either never being "there" in the day to day or worse being there, and being mad from jumping to conclusions all the time. My sarcasm would end up more spiteful than i cared to correct and even got mad when called out on. Alot of situations i never feel like i "snap" wheyer thats true or not. This has just been me. Everyday either intoxicated, aggravated, or devastated. When it did get physical because im yelling my head off and now I've made you unsafe, instead of realizing or seeing that i caused it, i just end up responding like you ARE trying to kill me. I'm not thinking about how much bigger i am, or againnthe fact that this is another situation i brought on myself and by association you, its like all i can think about is you not hitting me. Then i used to feel like me not hitting you back was me being the right even when what I'd do instead end up worse(who'd of thought trying to restrain a person in panic wouldn't go well/s).

It never mattered where we started to me because if how it ended and after awhile i felt the same way post breakup. I didn't wanna lose any and all ties i had to you. So whenever we would talk for especially how we talked it felt like we were working it out, maybe it skewed how i thought you felt about how things played out and not just that day but the entirety of your 3 years here. I did think we could've made it, still do to the smallest inkling but like, and im sorry if im just still an ass atp, you used to irritate my soul to the point it'd feel intentional. It felt like after a certain point you got off on it, just to shame me when it crossed into a point of unsexy jealousy. Some things we argued about felt like you wanted to argue for the sake of justifying leaving. Wheter true or not there were and technically more recently have been times where you're clearly mad at me and either wont say anything snd just be passive aggressive or you empty the clip like you were holding back every bad feeling youve ever had about me back and then make it my fault you did that. By the end of our relationship you told everyone you got out of an abusive relationship and lowkey paraded around like a DV survivor. I showed my ass mentally and then surprise surprise, i had to get medicated on more than weed and get in therapy because yeah i am big reason my relationship ended even if i dont agree with the reasons said. Yeah i tried sfter getting in therapy to shoot my shot and it didnt work. Just because im stuck in my lovey dovey shit didnt mean you had to for shit. Im so over the story that i just kept begging for you to come back when even when i was in my most "i miss you bb and think we should work it out" the thought of living with you again so soon makes my skin crawl and much rather have did visits and vc and also i felt i needed to figure more personal shit out to not be ass mad all the time or present that thats what i was.

I was fine loving you from afar while i worked on myself and did whatever needed to be done and could be done to make everything not like it was but not fucking dog shit.

After the last time we talked, i ended just mad at myself for being mad at you then. I could feel how much i thought you thought you were "slick" or "really thought you was cute with that one" like i understand youre angry and how you feel even if again i know we dont and probably wont ever agree on that shit. I understood it. So when youre out here clearly trying to hurt me because you're hurt and tired of me atp why was that even a concern of mine?

The real reason i dont try firing back isnt because i truly beilieve that yes im an abuser and just satan himself, but really because theres no denying theres been too many times i acted and reacted without much thought or consideration and i feel thats worse. Abusers go out there way to do whatever but whatever the fuck i am can just like happen. I still think im abusive.

Its hard not too at this point. At base level im a hothead that yells alot, i overreact to minor grievances, and max i kick holes in walls and sit on my partner.

I could explain that again but like would the explanation make the outcome different?

I dont know what this was whatever

Im sorry

#pinkadorkdiaries #bpd vent #breakup vent

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novieight · 1 year

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TW // DEREALIZATION, MENTIONS OF RELIGION

holy fuck. as the days go by, it gets harder and harder to tell the difference between dreams and reality. i have this constant feeling that nothing is real. i dont deny reality; reality denies me. i can try to keep myself as physical and awake-feeling as possible, but i just cant fight the derealization. at this point its normal for me to hear voices and see things and even FEEL things that arent there. whispering. tapping on my shoulder. shadow figures and even fictional characters. and they NEVER. GO. AWAY.

i cant tell anyone about it other than my friends, though. my parents would either call me insane or put me in even more derealizing religious therapy. and ive already been called insane and out of my mind by nearly every adult at that damn school. my relatives dont interact with me, period.

theres only one person who can sort of help, and thats marie. for example, i find the h0loc4ust a very triggering topic because of all the religion. we had to go over it in history and watch a video. marie held my hand the whole time, and i cant thank them enough for that. but still, religion gets me to think too hard about everything and leads me into derealization episodes.

when religion is mentioned, i start thinking more of whats really behind it. and then it progresses until i lose myself. and were not even gonna mention the shadow figures and voices i hear when im forced into that damn church. and how everything gets brighter and louder and more overwhelming, worsening the situation.

why should i even call them episodes anymore. its all the time at this point. its chronic. not even gonna lie, sometimes derealization isnt bad. sometimes it feels nice to feel like nothing is real, and to let things go. but most of the time its PAINFUL AS HELL. especially since im also autistic and i get overstimulated VERY EASY, sometimes derealization will end in me hitting myself scratching my skin open c*tting etc etc.

i think its something my mind did from a young age because its kinda always been like this. its only recently as my brain continues to develop and i start to wake up and realize ive been abused my whole life that its turned into a bad thing.

something i will readily admit: sometimes i cant help but worsen my own derealization. do i want to get better? yes. but do i use it almost as a form of self h*rm because i know it can hurt? also yes. and sometimes things i enjoy (omori, liminal music, backrooms, etc.) can, depending on my mood and how things have been recently (if ive been overworked or stressed, etc), be triggering.

the worst thing is i cant do anything about it, i cant get any help for it either. im just stuck like this. all i can say is im SO happy my friends dont deal with derealization. because if they had to suffer through it too, id feel so much worse about my derealization disorder.

i wish i could put a stop to the derealization. but at the same time, i wish i could indulge in it forever.

#novasvents

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reyeslonestar · 3 years

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Lone star better square the hell up if they think we are just gonna accept this lame ass apology from Owen. It’s not nearly enough and the real apology that TK deserves. He has probably lived with this relationship with Owen his entire life or at least majority of it and that’s so sad. He seems so used to this that he just sat back and continued on with the intervention. I know that comment still hurts TK because of how he even brought it up. They need to circle back to this because I’m genuinely wondering what it’s gonna take for Owen to actually act like a good father. Loving your kid isn’t enough- you actually have to actively try to be a good parent. As in- remember they exist even when TK isn’t hurt or something. As in, don’t twist things around and play victim. All TK does is love his dad and yeah he gets frustrated with Owen because who wouldn’t but he still is always there. Owen straight up acted like TK didn’t exist when he thought Gwyn’s baby was his. He only said he would schedule the surgery because ‘he’s gonna be a dad’. He only jumps into father mode when TK was shot and kidnapped. Every other time??? It’s like oh TK is mad at me that’s why he is being a paramedic now. Like dude have you ever stopped to think that maybe it’s not all about you? He just wanted the switch to the paramedic job because he likes it. These little moments add up and make me wanna yell at Owen FOR tk

anon, we are in agreement. god, I want to get tk by the shoulders and tell him that owen’s bullshit is absolutely not his fault and he has done way more than should have been expected of him. then id like to slap Owen upside the head and frogmarch him into therapy. very regular therapy.

you’ve brought up a lot of interesting things here so im going to stick most of my thoughts under a cut.

ultimately I think that the things that underscore the problems of TK and Owen’s relationship are Owen’s inconstancy and unreliability. I think theres a decent splash of narcissism in there too, which leads to him pressuring and gaslighting people, unloading his problems on random people, making himself the victim in any given confrontation, and also his misguided heroism stunts. but the root of him and TK having a fractured relationship comes from TK being unable to rely on Owen. (and hoo boy does that make me emotional about the fact that TK finally has someone he can completely rely on with Carlos)

so your first point:

this lame ass apology from Owen

honestly there were two weak apologies that stuck out to me - the first being the one during the intervention about Owen ‘going to be a father’ - yay, acknowledgment - but TK deserves an proper apology, one that doesn’t feel offhand, and not when Owen feels pressured by the environment. im sure im not the only one that felt that comment was disingenuous - it didnt feel at all like Owen actually felt sorry, or understood the damage he’d done. and then again in the vets - it felt pointed to me that TK had to confirm Owen was still going to go through with the surgery after buttercup turned out to be okay. he understandably doesn’t trust Owen to hold himself to his promises, even one he made in the last five minutes, and I think that reflects on how he views the apologies - if Owen can flip back and forth on promises about his own health, what’s stopping him from giving insincere apologies?

He has probably lived with this relationship with Owen his entire life or at least majority of it and that’s so sad. He seems so used to this

yeah I think you’re absolutely right - I think everything about their relationship, including TK’s anxieties about Owen’s unreliability, stem from him feeling left behind during his childhood (something I talked about a lot here - I wrote that a few months ago but I stand by a lot of it). and those anxieties really came out this ep because Owen keeps being incredibly inconstant this season. (not inconstant as in inconsistent characterisation, inconstant as in an unreliable character)

something I mentioned in some of my tags yesterday (and that I want to really dive into more specifically at some point) was the emotional labour that I suspect TK has had to shoulder in order to maintain their relationship. Owen has been this consistently absent figure, so TK has worked himself into Owen’s work life to be physically close to him, but Owen’s emotional distance has meant TK has taken up the emotional work too in order to maintain their relationship, and that has kind of allowed them both to pretend to themselves that they have a good relationship, with much more of the strain of maintaining that facade falling on TK.

Loving your kid isn’t enough- you actually have to actively try to be a good parent.

everything you said here. absolutely. loving someone does not equal having a healthy relationship with them, and TK and Owen definitely dont have that. TK is evidently so hyper aware of how much Owen has ignored him when it suits him - it kills me to see the way that comment about being a father has obviously been eating at him for weeks - and I really hate how controlling Owen gets when TK is in danger, but then is so utterly absent when TK’s in a good place, or even bitter and hostile when TK makes positive choices for himself. again, I talked about this in detail in this post - basically, Owen has major control issues and dude needs therapy.

don’t twist things around and play victim.

oh man, this shit pissed me off. like, I get that the subjects of interventions often have hostile reactions, but gaslighting Mateo after pressuring him into drinking and emotionally unloading on him? holy shit Owen, no. and making himself to be the victim of situations that have nothing to do with him, like TK becoming a paramedic or oversharing to the vet and the kid sitting on the roof. like, I understand that mental illness can lead you to taking shitty actions, but it still makes them shitty actions.

They need to circle back to this because I’m genuinely wondering what it’s gonna take for Owen to actually act like a good father.

yeah! I dont know what to think about this in the show, because knowing the way the show heroises Owen, I don’t know whether they’ll feel that they need to address it further than those pathetic apologies. that said, we’ve got Owen and this arson case next week and there does seem to be a tone that shows Owen as an idiot, and frames him as wrong for going against the rules and trying to sneak into a crime scene. if im right, then there would be scope for this to be an overall arc of Owen learning to become self aware and understand that he is not the centre of the universe. I just hope the show bothers to do that.

in the immortal words of Michelle Blake: Owen, get a therapist!

#911 lone star #911 lone star spoilers #episode chat 2x10 #fandom discussion #owen strand #tk strand #the strands #owen strand critical #I dont mind flawed characters #and the fact that they were addressing it (kinda) made me happy #and thats partly why I didnt mind Owen this ep #a has thoughts

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revol-lover · 4 years

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i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok.

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though.

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend.

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020 but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic.

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

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comradekatara · 5 years

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The good place is kind of eh in practice but I really like the concept so.... gaang and fire lesbians reactions to a good place scenario?

upon being told they’re in the good place, katara, aang & suki are like, “oh, sweet,” ty lee and zuko are like, “what??? i am???” toph and mai are like, “oops i’m here by mistake,” sokka’s like, “theres. theres a points system. thats bullshit this is bullshit,” and azula’s just like *has a panic attack*

everyone gets a soulmate!!!!! yay!!!!! katara, meet zuko. sokka, meet toph. mai, meet azula. ty lee, meet suki (this one backfires because they actually do fall in love). oh, and aang, since you’re a monk, you don’t have a soulmate i guess! but you don’t mind that, right? haha no, of course not! aang keeps having to pretend like he’s fine being the only one without a soulmate, and mai’s just like “oh u can have my soulmate if u want” and aang’s like “oh....no.......that’s okay........ but thanks”

sokka is told that he’s about to meet his soulmate, and he’s like “ok this will be fun” because at this point he’s just decided to go along with it until ashton kutcher jumps out from behind a pot plant or smth. he doesn’t know whether he can trust toph yet, so when she says, “you’ll stand by me no matter what, right?” he’s like “oh of course.” and then she tells him she was sent here by mistake, and she doesn’t know what to do. he’s like, “who forking knows what to do right now this is. this is objectively insane, right????” and she’s like “well, objectively speaking, yes, but it’s also a bit presumptuous of you to assume that an afterlife that measured morality on a points basis didn’t exist just because it sounds silly as fuck when you say it out loud.” and he’s like. “no. we’re definitely being punk’d.” and she’s like “did you just say fork? lmao loser”

ty lee is all “but it doesn’t really make sense that i’m here” and suki’s like “why not? you’re nice and you smell good” and ty lee’s like “but i’m.....super sketchy.......... i’ve committed like......actual felonies???” and suki’s like “ok but who fucking cares tho” and ty lee’s like “ykw GREAT point” and then they kind of just take advantage of the fact that they’re in a magical truman show because that’s the kind of shit you do when you figure out what’s actually going on, duh. michael thinks they hate each other because every time he goes to check in on them they are literally fighting each other??? he’s like oh wait......is this maybe........too far??? but he doesn’t know what to do about that other than maybe recommend some couple’s therapy and they go for laughs and ty lee sobs dramatically and suki wails various bits and pieces of a made up backstory that gets more and more absurd and incongruous every week.

mai and azula are perfect for each other! they have so much in common! for one thing, they both have no idea what the fuck they’re doing here. for another, they do not trust the other as far as they can throw them, and so they are both suffering silently and alone as they try to piece together why they’re here. they live right next door to toph and sokka, so they’re always running into each other, until eventually they are thrown into enough weirdly coincidental situations together that they just become friends. mai actually thinks toph is pretty cool. they kind of just get each other, yknow? what if there was, like, a mixup and.... *gasp* and then azula gets beaten in pai sho once and that’s all it takes for her to become obsessed with sokka and convinced that they are the real soulmates. sokka didn’t account for this happening because he assumed that pai sho is a meaningless game and nothing would happen if he won. he kicks himself for this later.

mai and azula both agree to tell toph and sokka that there’s been a mistake, and they try to inform them of this theory as directly as possible. toph and sokka are like “what are you talking about?? the system would never do such a thing??? the system doesnt make mistakes!!!” and they even threaten to tell michael about this before mai and azula are like “ok ok !!! maybe we were wrong. just an idea” and sokka’s like “ok well maybe we shouldn’t be questioning this perfect world, how’s that for an idea. oh and im in love with toph” and mai and azula leave deeply heartbroken. sokka and toph are like “whew that was close” because there is no fucking way they are splitting up after they’ve spent who knows how long perfectly camouflaging under surveillance and pretending to be having sex while actually doing very long and complicated math and reading through everything every moral philosopher ever wrote up until the day they died and throwing out more and more implausible theories just for sokka to have to pretend to be attracted to azula. toph’s like “i kinda like mai tho” and sokka’s like “yeah mai’s chill”

at first, zuko and katara get along great! they love doing dumb shit together that no one else they knew on earth ever found fun. they have such deep, profound conversations all the time. they’re always cuddling while watching movies and they’re like yeah we real cute. for the first time in both their lives they’re like, wow!! maybe soulmates are real!! all their friends are like “awww you two are so perfect together. and you always have your hands all over each other. you guys must be forkin like crazy” and they’re like “haha! ..........yep!” it’s only just occurred to them that it’s been six months and they still haven’t even kissed. and katara’s like “okay clearly we just....forgot! and we should just do that now, because we’re in ....love? unless..... you don’t want to....” and zuko’s like “HAHA WHAT WHY WOULDNT I WANT TO” the next morning they both are like “well that was great!” and are terrified to tell the other that they currently feel dead inside. after that, they stop having deep conversations. they stop cuddling on the couch. mainly, they just lie to each other so often that the smallest thing will leave them boiling over in a ginormous fight. and when they fight, the entire city knows it, because they are so. goddamn. loud. but then when people ask them how they’re doing katara’s just like “oh we couldnt be more in love :) .....why do you ask?”

after aang’s house gets destroyed in a fire zuko may or may not have started, he feels so guilty he lets aang move into their gaudy mansion with a billion spare bedrooms. aang promises he’ll only be there until they’re done with renovations to his old home, but none of them bother to question why they need to be doing renovations in the good place anyway. zuko is constantly doubting his place in this world, and whether he even is katara’s soulmate. the people around him keep telling him he’s a good person, but then something horrible will happen that he’s certain was his fault, and he’s like “aah im a fraud!” plus, aang seems to understand katara so much better, and they have a really strong bond... if he can be here, he doesn’t understand why aang and katara can’t be true soulmates. and aang agrees.

azula’s breakdowns get worse and worse each time, and she feels so alone. she knows that mai doesn’t love her. she knows that sokka doesn’t love her. her mom didn’t even love her! of course she wouldn’t get a soulmate –– what a childish, naive, foolish, idiotic notion!!!! so she decides to do the right thing, and confess: she was put here by mistake. she is the problem with the neighborhood. she’s not supposed to be here. sokka’s like “okay well fork. why did i ever ever beat her in pai sho” (and he’s right to think that, frankly.) there are proceedings in which azula must admit to michael that she was never a human rights lawyer, but she was an attorney. mainly she got people prosecuted for drug possession. it’s a living! ha ha...! they go through a whole bunch of bullshirt, but it all comes to a head when they’re fighting over who should take azula and zuko’s places (he confesses too, obvs) when it occurs to zuko that they can’t go to the bad place. because they’re already in the bad place.

sokka’s like “whaaaaaaat???? no...........thats ... thats impossible! why would you..............say that.................. you........forking...................idiot...............” (so much work. so much work wasted. fuck this dude. if he weren’t already dead sokka would kill him.) but michael’s already like “wow someone finally figured it out. i thought you’d never get it.” and then goes on to explain his great master plan that was actually a lot less complex than sokka’s current working theory. he leaves the room to talk to sean, and sokka’s like “okay show of hands who knew” so turns out ty lee and suki knew as well. good to know. with double the people with brains, maybe they can devise a plan to escape. and leave the rest to die or whatever. mainly zuko though. especially zuko. sokka writes down a note to find toph, ty lee, suki, and mai in the next reboot and under it, the sentence: “stay calm; you’re in the bad place.”

and then nbc cancels it because they have the foresight to know that the concept won’t sustain itself :)

#this was really fun to write omg #the gaang and #asks #anon #sitnematic universe

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ca1e70-deactivated · 4 years

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a list of my entirely way too niche headcanons ive actually implemented for everyones imagination:

name options ive used and refuse to retire: david elizabeth strider (sometimes i dont feel like being a douche to others and saying thats not his name), harley davidson strider, and david james strider for the sake of simplicity

im not gonna tell yall the like. oc exes ive given him bc thatll take eighteen years.

i dont rlly have an explanation on the ghost thing besides the fact he just can? ive occasionally pulled from family ghost stories and experiences bc i somehow got landed with family members who lived in a haunted house for a decade and enjoy scaring me with all the stories (including the time my cousin literally died on the kitchen floor from a bronchial spasm and one of the friends that was over asked my aunt later what was up with the old man she saw in the corner of the room that night - my cousin is fine btw shes just a huge bitch and a third grade teacher and i dont like her)

whether or not hes done drugs is based on absolutely nothing besides how im feeling in that moment. either hes the designated driver and sober friend forever or he got fired from his job after doing a line at work during graveyard with some random customers theres no inbetween (this absolutely happened @ waho. if dave works at waho hes a mess of a person and thats on the diner itself.)

ok look i hc dave w/schizophrenia besides when i was 14 i had a hyperfixation with learning about it and then at 16 was prescribed a medication and had side effects so wack my therapist genuinely thought 14 yr old me was onto something and its a weird way to cope with the idea that lady put in my head that i might “develop it in my twenties” which i turn 20 this year and i havent been able to stop obsessing and panicking over the prospect so PLEASE dont come in my inbox calling me ableist im not out here all harley quinn in suicide squad with the voices ok hes medicated, he goes to therapy, the hard fast delusion that lil cal was nearly sentient and informed bro of every single thing dave did no matter how asinine it was is no longer a debilitatingly affecting him ANYWAYS

i actually use the chicken/egg farming family pretty often just because its hilarious to me to give dave like. an actual mom and dad. hes literally an uncle to like three different kids he just never visits because they make fun of his skinny jeans and he hates one of his (incredibly bare-bones ocs all of them) brothers who threatened to bash his head in with a little league bat after dave broke his star wars lego set apart on accident (but not rlly) so their parents were like “why dont you stay with your brother in the big city for a lil while champ” and then they just never picked him back up? and thats on favoritism

the other one is that his name is actually david reed and hes the middle child of a family of three who literally live the standard golden retriever white middle class life only they went to disney land or something equally as dumb one year when dave was like 6 and he wandered off so bro literally just went “huh free game” because frankly he was an idiot who thought maybe i should take this kid home because its real dangerous in parking lots and then it was too late to NOT have it seem like a kidnapping and thats why daves never had a summer job, seen his birth certificate, or gone to school. but vaguely remembers what kindergarten was like and having a pet dog and calling someone mom as a kid.

im not making a bullet point about his sex life headcanons just use your imagination and acknowledge the fact bro essentially worked within the sex industry and i enjoy putting dave through trauma as a catharsis

i stopped doing this one usually but if he did go to school hes been in percussion since fifth grade and played the drums in his high schools jazz band as well as various edgy teenager garage bands he likes to pretend dont have a youtube presence and that hes absolutely never been shirtless in front of plenty of his classmates because he wore a hoodie to a show like an idiot. idk occasionally ill put him in an actual band he doesnt hate but keeps separate from his lil turntechGodhead internet persona (which i will ALSO touch upon in a sec) until they wind up getting looped into a tour with some bigger named band that has a show in *insert beta kid here*’s city and hes gotta come clean solely so he can visit his online friend. sorry derseasterous thats the one time weve ever run into each other and i made him have a crush on one of his bandmates i was in my anti-daverose phase where i made dave a hoe and also didnt want to admit i still loved the ship all these years later

i hate it so much but you know the whole vr loli trap voice shit that was popular a while ago? hes fucking baller at it for some reason. he did it as a joke while talking to bro and they both about shat their pants. if im feeling real ambitious, hes got a separate soundcloud solely dedicated to doing dumbass rap covers or making his own but in the voice under the pseudonym elizabeth “beth” davids that he will never admit is his. well, he will, but hes gonna be really fucking embarrassed about it. irony or not.

talking abt seperate soundclouds and stuff ive always had it where turntechGodhead was his like. essentially internet fucking persona facade shit he used because we all had that phase where we wanted memorable urls and stuff but also didnt want to totally ignore the nagging fear of people finding you in real life, until it turned into real life ppl finding you on the internet. so he also has basically an adjacent set of social media under the same name but its just a boring username i havent decided on so everyone he knows irl doesnt mix up with what hes made for himself as TG and the people he knows as TG dont know what highschool he goes to. (this occasionally comes with the territory of ppl on parp being pissed that daves “lying” or “hiding things” from his friends as if he was doing it out of spite instead of just keeping embarrassing tagged photos and videos from football games or when he ate shit at the skatepark from fucking with his “rap career”)

every once in a while i get on a kick where hes just german. like, i just replace houston texas with hamburg germany and have him apply to a university in whatever state is applicable for whoever im chatting with and it goes from there? sometimes he moved when he was little and went through the whole visa thing, sometimes he didnt go through the visa thing, sometimes hes a dual citizen because of family and shit, its all dependent on what suits the situation best.

one that ive been fucking with for a while but hardly break out (until recently with like 5 roses in the span of one day hell yeah) is that he has a neighbor at the end of the hall who is like a thousand year old witch lady that hes basically adopted as his mother figure in lieu of not having one and shes totally cool with it, especially bc when she kicks the bucket she fully plans on giving dave all her occult stuff so her figure-skating coach and realtor daughter doesnt sell it at a garage sale and lets it all go to waste. she also once brought rose up by name in a conversation without any prompting of her existence which dave didnt realize for days, and then one time cryptically stopped and stared at an empty space in the wall, went “she has potential, you know.” then looked at him sitting on her kitchen counter with a smile “lots of it” and hes thought about that weekly ever since. (it is important to note one of the occult items he leaves her is literally her own personal book of shadows shes been filling out for decades its like a 600 page leatherbound book dave has no idea what its used for but the sheer amount of homemade spells and etc in it is like. gonna murder rose the second this chick gets her hands on it i promise you.)

theres the standard strife shit? im not rlly gonna get into those theyre all basically cookie cutter bullshit. its just standard bro and dave abuse talk. i like to inclulde the whole 24hr live cam up in the apartment that definitely watches dave in every room besides his own and the bathroom, but that quickly delves into the prospect of middle-aged men stalking him online and basically sexually harassing him in his own god damn home by talking about how they can see him just trying to take his shoes off in the living room after getting home and frankly? its not one of my best takes! but once you throw it into the headcanon bin, its there forever.

he actually really does do something with his photography but not enough to warrant anything exciting, but he has his own branding for it and regularly takes pictures of his friends or anything else he thinks is moderately interesting enough to take pictures of, but those are just thrown into shoeboxes under his bed in favor of posting genuine shots because he wants to keep his image intact and blurry photos of jade smiling in the tree they climbed up together while bec paws at the base of it while whining isnt exactly something he wants the whole world to see.

i also pretty often but him into either paleontology OR i put him down as trying to become a mortician because he thinks handing roadkill once he graduated from museum giftshop specimens to doing his own taxidermy on the side has prepared him enough to perform an occasional autopsy and start embalming real human corpses. (sometimes i put my own desires in and make them his bc i have to project at some point and put him through the same EMT course i dropped out of bc it was one semester and he already has pretty decent first aid skills, but he definitely didnt expect it to be as fucking wild at times as it is, but whats he gonna do? get a job back at waffle house? the company hes working for just offered to pay like half his associates in paramedicine tuition and hes already got all his pre-recs done when he started for paleo. at least its a stable job and hes got the ability to be compassionate in the moment)

im running out of things that ive done to the poor kid. OH

hes not a virgin he had a girlfriend all four years of high school (shes also one of his optional and designated exes plz keep up) and their relationship ends in one of two ways: she dies in a car accident a week before their high school graduation, or she stops talking to him entirely a week after their high school graduation until a couple years later she gets into (guess what) a car accident with her current wife/girlfriend and dies which leaves behind their daughter. who just so happens to also be daves daughter. her name is hannah and i love her like my own but no one ever likes her and thats on the conditioning of dirk. does dave end up taking her in? yes. shes awesome and the first time he takes her to the park to like run off some fucking steam she disappears for two minutes and dave is moderately terrified until she comes back holding a dead baby squirrel and thats the moment he realizes huh maybe things really do be genetic.

ok at the bottom of the list im gonna add the couple of times hes been a camboy which usually coincides with the live apartment cam thing and the amount of people in his dms calling him hot or whatever, but typically its more of a started the day he turned 18 and basically dipped around 20 in favor of showing up randomly with no warning to complain about a video game dick in hand because it gives him an outlet that wont annoy his friends bc this is the fifteenth time hes had a lot to say this week about a certain boss battle and also the comments fuel his ego and daddy issues.

the last one wasnt the bottom but literally unless its explicitly proven otherwise every time anyone rps with me there is the underlying fact dave strider was a goalie on his high school lacrosse teams all four years and (shocker another one) definitely had the hots for one of his teammates like major hots like first gay experience hots. like it was painfully obvious that teammate also liked him back hots. like one night at a team sleepover one of the other guys was like can yall just makeout and get it over with were fucking tired and dave really had the balls to be offended and ask what the fuck they were talking about while literally sitting halfway in the mans lap bc for some reason they had to share the same chair.

he is also guilty until proven innocent of being the worlds biggest loner outside of that sports team and even though hes literally a jock he still opts to eat his lunch alone in the hallway or something like that and has a tendency to leave girls on read, but bc hes got an in with the rest of the jocks hes basically drug around to plenty of parties and since hes conventionally attractive enough and popular in the aloof way that he is, hes got plenty of tagged insta posts and twitter directs and snapchat streaks going.

THESE WERE ALL NO GAME AND DONT INVOLVE SHIPS BC I LIKE TO KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN AND THEYRE LITERALLY ALL BASED OFF RPS IVE DONE I HOPE YALL JUDGE ME ACCORDINGLY

#theres probably so many more i mean #ive been on parp for at least 5-6 years now #ive been on cherubplay probably the same amount of time #and my memory is totally shot to fuck but these are just what i know ive done in the last YEAR #or thought were wild enough to remember #i put it under a read more bc frankly its really fucking long #and i dont want this to represent me entirely #these are also heavily situational based and not like. emotion or reaction based much?#some of them are #i guess i could rename this to like. things ive done on parp #but theyre technically still headcanons a lot of them can coincide with whatever #so theyre not very specific situations #anyways #this took me an hour

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lostinathoughtonceagain · 5 years

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Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona nother thought i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge. shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love. i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina therap y session but it dosnt happne.

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pigstepmp3-moved · 5 years

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the writers really did buck dirty in s01e02

its the post you’ve all been waiting for—my Aggravated Analysis Of Everything That Makes Me Mad about the Therapy Scene tm, now featuring some things that show just how emotionally and mentally fucked buck is. now, i know we All hate that scene with all of our hearts (buck deserves to have a Good experience w therapy for once, but thats just my opinion), but i wanna go into detail about what exactly makes me SEETHE about that scene, complete w gifs and screenshots so i can better explain myself. im putting it all under the cut bc its kind of A Lot, so click that “read more” if you wanna read my angry complaining

alright, lets set the scene (i know we’re all aware of the situation behind this scene, but i think its important to remind you all of it). season one episode two. bucks still very much a Huge horn dog. buck has also very recently suffered his First loss on the job and its taking a huge toll on him. i think what’s most important to talk about before we get to the therapy scene itself is the scene where abby’s watching him on the news with carla.

(not the greatest quality, but that doesnt matter). he very clearly looks uncomfortable just talking about what happened in such a Casual, No Pressure setting. he says, “i was just doing my job. i’m happy we were able to help the people we helped and i’m really sorry about those we couldn’t save.” he stutters a few times as he says it, looks and sounds very uneasy, which seems very out of character for him. he’s usually super confident and chill, but as he’s asked to talk about this (most likely) traumatic thing, he kinda clams up, yknow? theres also something in his voice that reminds me very heavily of the way My voice sounds when Im trying to force back tears, but that might just be The Way He Talks

another thing that he says that really stands out to me (i dont know if this is necessarily important to the topic at hand, but i wanna talk about it so whatever) is, “. . . um, i’m sure they’re just turned on by the uniform. you know, i don’t know if they would feel that way if they saw me out of it.” ignoring the more sexual connotations to what he’s saying there, let’s talk about what he most likely meant by that particular statement. he still sounds a little nervous as he says it and kind of avoids the reporters eyes. it sounds to me like this is a rare moment of buck’s insecurities being let loose. “i don’t know if they would feel that way if they saw me out of it.” this implies, i think, some insecurities about like.. every part of himself. it almost seems like, in this moment, he thinks his only redeeming quality is the uniform. which might actually be what he’s thinking right then, ‘cause he’s still trying to figure out how to cope with his first loss. i think theres some part of him, somewhere behind that overly confident persona, that has a lot more insecurities than he shows, but thats a conversation for another day.

now, let’s move on a little from that. what i think is very important and notable about that scene is some of the things abby says after watching buck on the news. first thing she says that stands out to me is, “i’ve been thinking i might want to call him to see how he is.” she’s worried about him. i think she’s probably been worried about him since the first time he was on the news, earlier that episode. and for good reasons, i think, because later on, she says, “. . . he needs help, you know? i mean, he’s got so much pain in his face. everybody’s treating him like a hero. he doesn’t feel like a hero. as far as he’s concerned, the guy that he was trying to save fell.” like, wow, just tear my heart out and stomp on it a bunch, why dont you? its such a wonderful and apt summary of what buck’s going through. to put it rather simply, he’s fucking distraught, and for good reasons. plus, that quote is one of the Big things that influenced my headcanon of buck having depression, and i could probably analyze every single scene bucks in in this episode that have added onto that head canon of mind bc there are at least a couple different things i could blather on about, but that’s some analysis for another post (if you’re interested in me talking about that tho, definitely feel free to let me know)

now, let’s move on a little further to the Dreaded Scene (i’d totally go into the scene that immediately follows the last one i talked about, where buck and abby are speaking on the phone, but i think i’ve emphasized my point of buck going through some shit in this episode to the point where that isn’t strictly necessary). for the rest of this post, i’m gonna kind of analyze every single little thing that buck does and says in the therapy scene bc pretty much all of it contributes to my burning hatred of that therapist.

like, yeah, no SHIT, honey!! as far as we, the audience, are concerned, this is the First time he’s EVER been to therapy. in my own personal experiences, my first time going to therapy was SO uncomfortable. and just looking at buck right here makes me feel uncomfortable, too—he’s fidgeting with his hands, looks to the side, looks down, looks up at her for a moment before looking away again. this boy looks nervous as hell, and for good reasons. he confirms that he is in fact uncomfortable, and then the therapist says, “well, that’s not unusual. you’ve been through a trauma. that’s why you’re here—to deal with those feelings.” remember that, because i’m not gonna go into the importance of that quote just yet.

the next thing buck says is, “uh, yeah, i’m, uh, i’m not really into feelings.” he kind of avoids looking at the therapist as he says this, though not as much as he did in that last gif. but his voice is like... uncharacteristically quiet as he says it.

more!! avoidance!! he keeps averting his eyes, looking anywhere that ISNT his therapist. and at the end of what he says here, he clenches his jaw a little. a nervous tick, maybe? i don’t know. as he talks here, though, his voice is, yet again, very quiet. he sounds just about broken right here, and it makes my heart ache so bad for him

after a brief break to check out what athena and michael are talking about, his therapist says, "i treat a lot of first responders—people who run toward danger—but maybe there's something you're running from as well? what is it about discussing your feelings that scares you?" the answer buck gives her? a very defensive, “i’m not scared.” if youre not scared, then why are you avoiding talking about your damn feelings like the fucking black plague? and when i say that he says it defensively, i mean, like, way too defensive to Not be suspicious

we don’t get to hear anymore about that particular question because next, we’re checking up on athena and michael again, and then we’re talking about something else. the therapist says, "you lost somebody. that's hard."

as he says this, he sounds fucking SAD. he sounds completely and utterly BROKEN. throughout this whole clip, he sounds entirely broken. the therapist asks if this was his first time. he responds with, "i mean, i've had calls where it was... too late, but, uh, but i've only been doing this not even six months. now, i... i just can't shake the feeling that this one didn't need to go down the way that it did." again, he sounds like he’s hurting really badly. this loss is really taking a huge toll on him and that is Very clear. she then asks him if he thinks there was something he could have differently. he doesnt respond, just looks up at her like this:

his eyes are a little red, and it looks like there are some tears in his eyes. like wow, you could murder me and it would hurt less than seeing buck like this

now, the next snippet is about where everything Starts Going To Shit (this is also the part where i start sobbing like a dumb baby, but thats neither here nor there).

you see that shit right there?? if you listen hard enough, you can hear my heart breaking into a million pieces. from this point on, buck is CRYING. honest to god fucking CRYING. he looks like he’s hurting so badly, especially at the end of that gif, when he furrows his eyebrows. it looks kind of like he’s trying to keep himself from straight up Sobbing. i’m sure it seems almost like i’m dwelling on this for a little longer than necessary, but i think emphasizing how emotional he is in this part is very important to understand just how much the end of this scene makes me fucking SEETHE. this next little bit is where i start to transition from Sadness to absolute Rage

you see that? this is the start of my slow deterioration into madness. up until this point, everything about this therapy session was completely and entirely professional. but home girl decides, hey, yknow whats a good idea? waltzing my happy ass across the room, sitting down directly in front of my PATIENT, and resting my hand on said PATIENT’s arm. i dunno about you guys, but this seems terrible on so many levels that it isnt funny.

now, yknow what happens next? some classic avoidance from our boy. she calls him mr buckley, so he says, "it's, um... it's actually just buck." (after VERY AUDIBLY SNIFFLING by the way, but i digress). he then deflects even FURTHER by asking her if she friended him on facebook.

“i thought you looked familiar,” he says. he’s no longer actively crying at this point, but there are most certainly still some tears in his eyes.

now, do you know what happens next, after a brief break to check up on athena and michael? the worst thing that could happen happens! i know it, you know it, little miss unprofessional sleeps with buck! and yknow what she says Immediately afterwards? “i can’t believe i just did that. i am so sorry.” like.... no! saying “sorry” doesnt change the fact that you TOOK ADVANTAGE of someone who is CLEARLY not in the right frame of mind to consent to something like that. yknow what he was doing the last time we saw him? crying. bc hes in a very vulnerable place in this episode. and yeah, sure, i guess you could make the argument that he was seducing her a little, but that doesnt change the fact that this is fucked up. now, side note about me, i’m only in high school and i’ve never had any job before, so i dont quite know the ins and outs of the professional world. but i do know a thing or two about common sense, so its pretty easy for me to assume that shit like this is awful on like a million different levels. i think the power imbalance is super clear to anyone who has any number of brain cells.

now, buck being as emotionally stunted as he is, says that she made him feel better (probably just for a few minutes, but thats neither here nor there). and yknow what she says? “you should go.” remember that quote from earlier? the one that i said was important and that i was going to go into later? “well, that’s not unusual. you’ve been through a trauma. that’s why you’re here—to deal with those feelings.” yknow what buck Didnt do? deal with those feelings. he talked about his feelings for maybe ten minutes, and that’s assuming that, during the cuts to athena and michael, the session was continuing and that it wasnt a matter of like, oh, this stuff is happening At The Same Time.

and all that is just During the session. we dont ever see the aftermath of it, we dont ever see buck talking about that session or anything along those lines. and we most certainly dont see him trying to go talk to a different therapist. the rest of what im going to be talking about this post is purely speculation, but i think its highly probable that this could all be canon. like i just mentioned, as far as we know, buck hasnt gone to another therapist after that shit show. additionally, we can also assume that buck really hasnt talked to like....... anyone about the shit he’s gone through, both past shit and shit that was brought up from this first loss of his. so as far as we’re concerned, he’s never properly worked through it all. he’s also probably never gotten any proper coping mechanisms to deal with any further losses. it seems a little too morbid to think that bucks just gotten used to the feeling that comes with losing someone, so i think its pretty safe to assume that, after every single loss he suffers, he gets like..... super fucked up, purely because he never talked about (a), the reason why hes scared to talk about feelings, or (b), how to deal with said feelings, especially when they’re bad. and thats not fair to him!! that loss clearly took a huge toll on buck, Most of the description of that episode is talking about the roller coaster and bucks feelings, but he never got to heal from it. if buck doesnt get something akin to a redemption arc, where he gets to see a therapist to properly work through all of his issues, i’m going to riot

anyway. thats all i have to say on the matter. i’ve been working on this for most of the day because i have so many thoughts and feelings about the way buck was treated during this episode. i will die mad about it. but i think i’ve said pretty much all i have to say on the topic now, so i hope my frustrated rambling was interesting or whatever to read. so, thanks for reading! ♥

#evan buckley #buck buckley #911 fox #911 on fox #lemme know if there are any errors or anything? im not proof reading this bc im much too lazy and bc i just wanna post this shit already #kendall blabbers #(maybe i should make a tag eventually just for ranting like this. i dunno. we'll see)

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ldarchive · 5 years

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all or some of: 10, 18, 19, 20, 25, 28, 30, 35, 36, 39, 40, 41, 42 for the ask meme =) lay all the ari facts on me

ty indigo ilu… shepardposting no limits (HOPEFULLY THE READMORE WORKS?)

10. What kind of friend is Shepard?

the “will give you shit but also go to the ends of the earth” for you type i suppose…he shows his affection thru gentle bullying. he can also be kind of genuinely an overbearing asshole at times, but he gets better with it; it takes him a while to, uh, adjust to having “friends” in the first place. he’s a dad friend if your dad is kind of a grumpy punk with a rude and morbid sense of humor

18. Share a headcanon about Shepard and their LI.

[struggling to come up with something i haven’t talked about a million times] uhhhhhh

kaidan wanted to propose with one of his dad’s old rings but he figured out it wouldn’t fit ari’s finger, so (with his mother’s blessing/assurance that his dad would have been more than happy abt it, etc) he had the gold melted down to make a new ring. in my mind it looks smth like this and yes ari totally cried a little

it also took kaidan weeks of near-misses to work up the nerve to propose even tho he Knew ari was gonna say yes, he was just really worried about getting it right. eventually he just did it on their balcony and ari got surprised and dropped his cigarette and kaidan got a cool new engagement burn scar on his arm but it was nice

19. Why did they fall for each other?

ari fell for kaidan bc he’s not just intelligent, but perceptive; he’s a realist who errs toward optimism and making the best of bad situations; he believes people can and should be better; he has a surprisingly understated sense of humor; he can keep up with ari’s teasing; ari asks him if he’s a romantic and he denies it and then gives, like, the most romantic answer in the world. he’s cute.

kaidan fell for ari bc……. he has big arm. ok but uh i think it’s because he’s, pretty practical and matter of fact and doesn’t care all that much about the social trappings that kaidan continually tortures himself with… he makes kaidan feel Seen and Understood but doesn’t make a big dramatic deal out of everything kaidan tells him, he just treats him… like a person. for someone who’s been living with & defining themselves by their issues for as long as kaidan has, it’s pretty incredible to find someone who just makes him feel like a human being again

20. What are their common interests or hobbies?

a lot of their relationship is like, meeting each other in the middle haha, but there are some things they both enjoy a lot with no caveats:

- cooking! kaidan’s a foodie and it becomes ari’s therapy hobby after me3, so it’s smth they enjoy doing together a lot. they try to do it more often if possible, but their general friday night tradition is to come home, crack open a couple beers, and cook a big meal together

- they are both outdoorsy Adventure Dads… it takes a while before ari can handle more than a walk around the park but eventually he and kaidan can go hiking again and they both rly love it. i imagine theyd be into stuff like camping, swimming, kayaking, etc too dfjnfg

25. Is there something they fight about?

well, everyone gets into arguments occasionally, but i don’t really think they fight all that often… not that they agree on everything all the time, but they’ve both gotten pretty good at talking things out and also deciding whether or not something is even worth arguing about in the first place. when you are dating someone during the apocalypse and don’t have to any time to waste those are both pretty valuable skills haha [i think the most they ever fought in their relationship was post-me3, when ari got out of the hospital and they’d both started to ‘settle in’ to their new lives but it was a bumpy adjustment and they were both going thru a lot of trauma and stress and bottling it up etc. it wasnt a great time but they worked thru it]

28. What would they like to change about the other?

it’s a double-edged sword, bc it’s part of what attracts kaidan to him as well, but sometimes kaidan really wishes ari had more a self-preservation instinct!! sometimes his tendency to charge headfirst into trouble is sexy, sometimes kaidan is tired and sad and it just gets really old

ari wishes kaidan would loosen up a little although, again, the straight-laced military thing (unfortunately) kinda does it for him. he would also take away kaidans chronic pain if he could

30. When did they realise they fell in love?

fr kaidan it was shortly after virmire and it absolutely scared the shit out of him ahaha

ari is dumb so he didn’t really realize until after horizon, which was probably a bad way to figure that out,35. Is there anything they dislike about the other?

ari appreciates how thoughtful kaidan is but sometimes it’s like… a bit… much lmao, he’s not as navel gaze-y as kaidan is so sometimes the process of having to talk everything out gets tiring. for kaidan it’s kind of the opposite, he sometimes perceives ari’s lack of forethought as a lack of care, which isn’t really true, he just works differently

on a much pettier level, ari gets annoyed that kaidan wants to sleep in all the time and kaidan gets annoyed that ari drowns all his food in hot sauce. hello, i worked hard on that steak36. What are their best memories together?

advtykefd cheesy but i like to think they got to take a little bit of leave after me1 so… they rented a log cabin somewhere (not sure if they went back to earth or just a colony planet somewhere?), turned off non-emergency comms on their omnitools and just chilled for a bit… went hiking, had drinks at the tiny bar in the closest small town, holed up in the cabin all day and had sex lmao it was probably the most peaceful week of aris entire life and it left a big impression on him

ofc later there’s stuff like their wedding day, their son’s birth, adopting their daughter etc. kaidan would probably even say, with the emotional distance provided by time, that horizon counts cuz even tho it sucked at the time nothing could have been better than realizing ari was alive

40. Is there someone in the squad of ME/ME2/ME3 Shepard dislikes? Why?

MIRANDA LOL… they just. do not see to eye or get along at all. i find their relationship very entertaining for this reason bc the dynamic of commander & XO who are both trying to be professional but do not respect e/o even the tiniest bit is so funny. theres a convo w her in me2 (i think it might be the one where you can initiate her romance?) where if you choose the renegade dialogue is hilarious to me… miranda makes some snide, passive aggressive comment about shepard based on their background (it’s like “it’s amazing how you’ve managed to succeed despite being _____” lmao) and then shepard is like “OH i get it, you’re jealous bc i’ve been more successful than you and TIM likes me more even tho i’m a big piece of shit idiot?” i love it it’s so funny. they both suck. eventually they do build some kind of mutual respect btwn them but theyre still… not exactly friends. i think in me3 ari was like “damn i hope miranda’s ok” and then when he actually met her again remembered why he used to be so pissed at her all the time lmao. (after me3 tho she saves his life Again and they probably have a lot of time in the hospital to just talk so maybe they do become genuine friends)

41. Are there any important relationships in Shepard’s past that defined their character? /42. Is there someone who had a great influence on Shepard?

just gonna try to combine these i guess,

- his parents, although he only got an unfortunate short time with them, he takes after both of them a lot, and the things his parents imparted on him stuck with him, but especially as he gets older he’s also really aware of the mistakes they made

-the reds, in general. not a really positive influence lmao but. they were his home for years & he learned how the world works through them, for better or worse… it’s why he’s a bit of a cynic, although later he is able to characterize it more as “this shit sucks But we can make it better” rather than just “this shit sucks”

- anderson was the first person ari ever felt saw him as a human being, and it was… a slow-going thing to learn to trust him ahah, but wanting to be worthy of anderson’s approval shaped a lot of his career decisions

#neositter #ask #oc: ari shepard

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justsomeantifas · 6 years

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So as a leftist for years and years, I have ONE problem- What about the many of us sick/disabled who can NOT rely on family or community voluntarily assisting, even in an ideal anarcho-communal/etc situation? Bad communities and families abound and many of us, myself included, rely on legally mandated government assistance to survive. Heck, not even just disabled folks but just in general those whose communities/families are scum? I've never gotten an answer to this besides 'its worth you dying'

I’m gonna try to answer this as best I can, for I too am on disability and am legally disabled.

I’d first like to start out by saying my answer is not the only answer, it’s just one answer.

1a) Theres a monetary incentive under capitalism for families to be shitty to disabled family members, this is not the only incentive, but it is definitely the reason for the abuse many mentally ill and disabled people face

because people see us as useless to this capitalist society, because we aren’t productive members under their definition. However, under a system where there is no monetary incentive to abuse people, this is far less likely to happen.

I can definitely say the vast majority of the abuse I receive come from financial reasons.

1b) many disabled people today that are classified as disabled could live on their own, but simply cannot afford it under a capitalist system, and therefore would be prone to death either from starvation, eviction, the elements, etc.

under a system that provides people with housing and necessities, disabled people no longer have to worry about whether or not they’ll be able to eat or maintain their housing.

2) I’d like to say that under capitalism many skills and talents disabled people have aren’t considered important or profitable, but under communism there are many other ways for disabled people to live their lives, for instance many disabled people like to do art and read and write, but do not have access to the means to do this, that would be different under a society not governed by capital

3) it is true there is no perfect way to prevent a family from abusing a disabled person, but I like to think disabled people will have access to a possible network of nurses/care takers, as more people will be able to go into these fields once it does not cost money to attend, and they’re guaranteed housing and food and supplies while studying,

furthermore people will no longer have to worry about whether or not these types of jobs are profitable, they can simply worry about helping other people which is what they want to do.

So communities will have far more people in this field to help disabled people imo.

4) it would be much easier for a disabled person to move under this system, it’s not perfect, and would likely still need work, however if a disabled person feels their community is bad and there family is mistreating them it’s far easier for them to pick up and move, as they no longer have to worry about how to find housing, food, transportation, etc.

5) many families are not equipped to deal with disabled people, and would under a system not ruled by capital, be able to take classes on how to care for their disabled relatives/friends, they would also have access to therapy for it, and they would have easier access to nurses/caretakers/etc.

6) It may be possible for disabled people to create their own communities under this new system, and help those within their community, alongside the help of non-disabled people for things various disabled people in the community would be unable to do

I imagine many disabled people would be very concerned with how other disabled people are treated, and now that they don’t have to worry about proving themselves disabled/mentally ill/etc. they can do what they can to travel, and assist other people.

7) there are disabled people who will not be able to move or speak for themselves, however many of the things listed would lessen their suffering, it does not 100% eliminate it, I do not have a complete answer for this, because I feel disabled people may always be abused,

however I think this system will prevent the abuse of the vast majority of disabled people, and alleviate the struggle of most of us.

8) It is not perfect, but it is the best solution currently that I have, it will take many people working together to think about how to further prevent the abuse of disabled people, which is far easier to get people thinking about and acting on when they have better access to education, housing, food, etc.

it would give people the time to think about these questions, and figure out how to continue to alleviate the suffering of disabled people as best as we possibly can. this could possibly involve the creation of new technology, or better support systems.

This is all just my opinion though, I hope it’s better than the answers you’ve gotten in the past. If you have any other questions let me know and I’ll try to answer them to the best of my ability.

#capitalism #politics #leftism #communism #anarchy #economics #asks #long post #harrimir

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reyeslonestar · 3 years

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Question what are some things you wanna see in season 3 of lone star? Character development, plots, anything

I want to see Tonya Kong write every episode. that's all. thanks for asking!

sadfkja I joke, I do have other ideas, but that is definitely high on my wish list! i'm gonna go through by character and talk about what I'd like to see for them, so this is gonna get quite long whoops...

the main thing that I'd like to see overall, though, would be evidence of an overarching season plan or arc - it doesnt necessarily have to be a plot that stretches through all the episodes or anything major, but I'd love them to have plotted out the season before they start. from watching this season and then reading interviews after the finale, they dont appear to plan many things from the start and end up throwing in ideas as they go along. if they plan it from the start they can foresee how theyre going to affect character development more, and they can have a bit more balance in the types of episodes they have, so that the season is less insane and more naturally ebb-and-flow with a few light episodes to break up the drama.

okay, onto the characters! just going to do this in billing order for simplicity's sake. customary reminder that these are just my own opinions and thoughts, and this is more of a wish list than a realistic expectation.

if you want to search for a specific character, ctrl F for one of these terms including the dash at the start:

-Owen

-Tommy

-TK

-Grace

-Judd

-Marjan

-Paul

-Carlos

-Mateo

-Nancy

press “j” to skip the whole post.

-Owen

okay so I'd love to see them actually develop his character. Owen has been given a lot of backstory with lots to play with development-wise, but to me it feels like the show never goes anywhere with it. he's got a lot going on what with 9/11, feeling responsible for the fates of his fellow firefighters, the codependence of his relationships etc. I'd like to see him go to therapy and see him grow some self awareness and seek to manage himself better, rather than all his screentime devoted to him being a hero when other characters have the situation handled. it would really show him as a good leader if he drew on the skills that his team has and refer to them for advice/ideas. realistically he is the main character, so I'd like them to develop him like one.

also, I kind of love the chief role for him? I think it would suit him really well. but it would drag him away from the 126 and split up the dynamics too much so it would make for bad tv and I wouldnt actually want to see that. good for his character though.

-Tommy

I love Tommy :) just wanted to say that.

so obviously Tommy's got a lot of grief to handle next season, and I don't want them to shy away from that. I want it acknowledged and processed. (I'd also like a little bit of seeing the twins' grief too, because they're also suffering a massive loss). maybe something with Judd helping Tommy learn to manage her grief with his own experience of losing the original 126, encourage her to go to therapy, plus Tommy, Grace and Judd all feeling the loss of Charles together. after all, Grace and Judd were his friends and they will be grieving too.

I'd also kind of like to see Tommy have something outside being a working mother. obviously we're going to need to deal with that a lot especially now that Charles is gone, but I feel like she's been assigned the Character TraitTM of being the working mum and I'd like to see them give her a hobby or something. idk. and give her a night off with Grace or something. give her something just for her.

-TK

okay so I think theres a fair likelihood that theyre going to return to looking at TK's addiction next season which im not averse to. I think him struggling with his sobriety would be worthwhile to see for his character and to show that its not a straightforward path, plus it makes sense with all the insane stuff they've thrown at them in s2. however, Id like to see it in the context of his friends and family rallying around to help and support him and show him that he's got people to rely on, and that he's allowed to rely on them, plus the support of his AA meetings and therapy. I also need them to lay the groundwork for him struggling, so putting in signs of him deteriorating so the situation makes sense. this storyline doesn't need surprises to be interesting or good, and frankly it shouldn't have any.

as for him and Carlos, I definitely want to see them househunting! I'd like to see the combination of househunting/Carlos with Tommy's kids/Grace and Judd having their baby have an impact on their perspectives regarding their future and spark that conversation (like, looking at houses with more rooms and thinking about kids, future, marriage etc). I think that maybe one of them, probably TK, or maybe both of them those boys have way too many parent issues having anxieties about being a dad could be an interesting way to add tension without being too drastic, and then that can be resolved in a way that reassures them of their relationship and reaffirms their strength as a couple. the talk about the future would also lay the groundwork towards a proposal at the end of s3.

-Grace

grace :) my love :)

I could watch episode after episode of Grace kicking ass and saving people over the phone. I'd love to see an episode set there? like, some kind of story within the call centre with all the handlers having to resolve that between them, but also tie in the first responders, so we see the fire team, the paramedics and Carlos all working but we only see the bits that Grace and the other call handlers hear, if that makes sense? also an actual Grace/Carlos team up where they are coming in from the different angles with different amounts of evidence and figuring out the best way to solve something together. plus I'd like to see her maybe get some recognition for being awesome at her job, maybe another handler coming to her for advice on how to solve something.

of course we've got the baby Ryder on the way, and I want that to go comfortably and smoothly for her. she deserves that. lots of wholesome excitement for her and Judd from the whole extended firefam, baby shower, gifts, the full works. pamper grace please.

-Judd

judd4captain2k22. please.

yeah I know its not gonna happen, but I loved judd stepping in as captain this season and I'd love to see that continued with him taking more leadership, and Owen deferring to him for advice/council in a work environment rather than personal life. maybe set up a long term idea about judd being a captain someday.

he's gonna be a dad :') so what are his anxieties about that? why were they putting it off before? was it related to his PTSD? he's got lots of people relying on him now, how does that make him feel? what if his kid loses him? id like to see him still using therapy as a tool to help himself deal with everything. lots of meaty questions to dig into there :D

-Marjan

I'd quite like to see more of her balancing her daredevil nature with the impact of that and realising how much danger she puts herself in sometimes. or on the flip side, maybe the team is dealing with a really dangerous situation and they utilise her fearlessness to save people. her relationship with social media could also come back? but bring in the development they gave her this season, and her Firefox presence is more serious, less flippant?

I think that theres now a space for her to explore her sexuality/romantic experience now that she hasn't got her engagement with Salim as a kind of failsafe. maybe she wants to put herself out there and date, but thats really daunting as shes never really had to do that before? personally I think this could tie in really well with a self discovery/exploration regarding her sexual orientation, but I doubt they’d go there with her, so thats just my headcanon.

-Paul

I want them to draw on Paul’s observational skills and perceptiveness more, especially on calls and in emergencies. I remember someone (sorry I cant remember who) pointed out that he would have been a great character to centre the arsonist plot around in terms of noticing the clues etc, so id love a storyline that revolves around him dealing with an emergency like that. I also really want a Carlos and Paul friendship so maybe them collaborating on a call to solve something, that’d be cool.

can we give Paul a girlfriend please. if im not complely insane, there was a reference to someone in like,, 2x04?? someone who put mayo in his sandwich? idk I havent checked (edit: it was aioli in his banh mi! thank you @meneatyoghurt), but if there is someone can we show him having a fun and loving relationship please. I dont need there to be any drama. just them having fun on a date or something.

-Carlos

so I know that some people are keen to see him in his police role more but I really don't need much of that. on calls with the 126 I'd like to see him be the officer in charge more, but I don't need police-exclusive storylines. I've talked about it here if you want to know why.

the only area that I'd like to see would be in the direction of reform/addressing the flaws of the system, and I think they can do that on a personal level for him, because he and Mitchell need a chat. if they'd gone with her decision in 2x08, he, Mitchell and the bank robber would all be dead, and I think thats gotta have some impact. also the fact that he was suspended for trying to preserve life. theres a lot they could work with there and maybe have him thinking about how he can do good and how he can effectively protect and serve. not to mention, the opportunity that would provide in terms of addressing his relationship with his dad and how he maybe sought approval by pursuing a police career?

also I’d like him to learn that he doesnt need to accept blame/preemptively put blame on himself and that he doesnt need to apologise when someone else hurt him. kind of want to send him to therapy. kind of want to send all the characters to therapy. but yeah, him learning that he can accept apologies and understand that he doesnt have to make people feel better for hurting him. hes allowed to be hurt and feel pained about it. and that can tie into his relationships with Mitchell, with TK and with his parents.

I think I mentioned most of the tarlos stuff in TK’s section, but I wouldn't mind at least one instance for them where we see it all from his perspective instead of TK’s.

finally ive mentioned above how i’d like a team up with Paul on a scene and both of them figuring it out together. I'd also like them having a friendship outside work, just the two of them, bonding over books and being relatively sane people compared to the rest of their friends.

-Mateo

Mateo is so sweet. I loved 2x14 and the recognition he got, more of that please! also theres still so much I want to know - one of the more consistent things they set up for him in s2 was his faith, so I want to know more about that. what's his relationship with religion and God? he's pretty isolated from his family so how does he feel about that? is his religion something that helps him feel connected to them? maybe the church helped him find a community when he first came to the states, before he got settled with the 126, and he finds reassurance in faith that God is looking after his family while he cant be there? I think maybe there's scope for a conversation between Marjan and Mateo about that, about that distance and caring for their families through faith and prayer.

also, if he's still with the horrible firehouse, I'd like to see the other firefighters being won round by his resilience and stepping up to look out for him, and someone backing him up against the captain. Mateo is used as the butt of the joke most of the time, but I'd also like to see a bit more acknowledgement of things like losing his house and the bullying hes going to get more of from this firehouse.

-Nancy

I think that her speech to Tommy in 2x14 was really telling, and I'd love to see them expand on that a bit more. first on the loss and fear of losing her friends and coworkers, but then also on her hopes and aspirations - she said she wants to be a paramedic captain so lets see her working to take her exams and qualifications, and showing initiative on scenes etc.

id like to see more of her being integrated into the 126 group. she and marjan turned up to the hangout together, so lets develop that relationship more. I would love it to be romantic but I'd also love to see that as a friendship. but also her forming bonds with others in the group as well as more of her and TK being a chaos duo. I love that they stole the ambulance, more of that insanity please!

I think thats it? if youre still reading, youre insane and I appreciate you a lot! honestly im open to all sorts of things in s3, this isnt a prediction or anything, its just stuff I think would be interesting based on where the characters are now.

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pokefanbri · 4 years

Text

"Home is where the heart is" I dont have to tell you where that lies. But its only part of the pain. I know in my heart I'm a good person, but my life has been in shambles since I was young. Theres many like me, that dont deserve the life they were given & yet somehow persevere through it just to survive & try to be happy through the pain.

How I ask do I deserve not to be happy. I feel there was no justice for me, I was dishonorably discharged lol. I was truly happy where I was, but even if i were to travel place to place...that is also in my blood, not just the place I resided.

I was at home, I was at peace, I truly loved everyone there & every second. But do I dare go there again, absolutely in a heartbeat. But this is what kills me, Part of me says "this is your life now, accept it, push through even if u can't" the other part of me says that ill be white knighted with a bust through the door like the kool-aid man & he says "sike, yea i fucked it up & didn't realize I had something special, will u forgive me" 😅

But i know that could just be my imagination & im overthinking again. But where actually is my life headed? I have a good heart, i care so much about those thats affected me even in a bad way...but maybe that's God's love showing right through me, because I forgive easy & help those that need it. My brother says that a "helper" is equivalent to a partner in crime & all aspects, a soul mate. He throws the word around with this subject, but he's also trying to find his forever helper which he believes is the mother of his 1st born children. Thats great, given the right circumstances & if her situation was better, yea they could probably try.

For me, caring & trust is my biggest downfall. Because i do so much for others b4 myself, I end up taken advantage of or at least feeling like it. Even if its not the case, the wrong thats been done to me all my life..made me this way. I cant help that. And to find someone that I trusted fully, only to find out that I couldn't. That breaks a person like me down & actually hurts to the core. I didnt deserve that, but it was the disservice that was thrust upon me without a 2nd thought. I wasn't given the proper chance to love someone because they refused to love me back & yea most of the time it was about them...but thats a leo for ya 😅

When someone shares it mutually, everyone wins, you're complete, u have that "helper" you've been longing for all your life. The good times that were shared, the humorous banter, doing something for the other just cuz u can & cuz u want to, showing eachother off to friends & family like "yea thats my babe right there" as if to say they were happy u were there,the best friend & sidekick that everyone needs...it was all gone in a blink of an eye. Leading on my heartstrings, making me fall harder & harder, the friendship to the end even, all for nothing. But because of all the positives, thats what gets me, it's why my pain is so confusing. Why was it all like that if not on purpose whether for a positive reason I have yet to understand, to make it easier for them not to deal without regard for the others feelings, or cause God making me suffer more through it to make me stronger...when I thought I was done with low struggles already.

Idk man, I just dont understand. But because of what my life has been like over the past half of the year, all the positives makes me want more...because I never got all of him in the 1st place. I always wanted more because he held himself back & on purpose. So maybe it did seem like attachment, but only cuz I longed for the same feeling in return & didnt give up trying to find it..literally any sign of it. I was trying to figure his sweet ass out & learn what kind of person he really was lol, so I could accommodate to him more especially in the last weeks I was sweating my ass off 😆 I was dedicated so much I was willing to change what wasn't liked on the outside. Like I wanted to do so much to keep the best thing i had, cause deep down I knew his old feelings fizzled out quick & I just didnt understand & I still dont. I mean I guess I understand if he wasn't ready for a commitment? And that's fine, but he committed b4 & when I was brought there. What is it that was so wrong about me, that negative thoughts festered so much about someone it makes u think someone else is the problem, when its not the case at all.

Theres nothing i can think of, nothing else i could've done to show my worth, that I wasn't a waste of time. Maybe I pushed too hard? But in those last few weeks I gave space & focused on myself & my tasks at hand with so much more effort to have some kind of a chance, to save what was precious to me..save someone else that couldn't rise up on their own. & i blew it somehow. I was told i settled, but that was the point from the beginning that we both agreed upon. I think it was just that the other was getting comfortable with someone around & it scared em..to where they couldn't do all they wanted in life along with dealing with someone else at the same time. Or possibly felt 1 or the other wasnt good enough for the other & felt inadequate or unequiped. And searching for someone else to fill a void they already had at home, thats another thing that befuddles me. The last time I saw him, it didn't look or sound like he cared, avoided eye contact til he drove off & my heart sank even more as I knew it might be the last time I ever saw him. I was too pissed & in the heat of the moment flipped him off til he was out of sight, but after...i wanted to die right then & there but my best friend was there & we were on a deadline just as he was. If I were alone & my friend wasn't there, I'd be sobbing in that parking lot for hours til someone found me.

They, he, had it all but lost it due to their own negligence, in my opinion.

I mean come on whats not to like about me that didn't go hand in hand with what they were searching for.

The perfect heritage to match his (Templin Germany the 7th largest region) with some jew blood, same interests & hobbys, outlook on life, the lucky number, a good & gentle soul with a love for God. Passion for travel, soft spot for bald eagles, the dream of becoming a parent 1 day, intellectually & gamer gifted, both loves BLT sandwiches...because i da snack too 😏, both have the same middle name but spelled differently & 30yr olds with same hs class year, I have 3 hansome brothers & he has 3 beautiful sisters. I mean Dafuq? Lol. We're total opposites & literally residing NE to SW of the country, 1 grew up well the other not so much...yet we still were able to find eachother....somehow? Bro how about u try the other half of the yr here, 6 month equivalent & finish 2020 the right way huh lol BET 😂 oh man. A girl can dream though can't she?

I have a college writing level & training in business, musical theater, massage therapy (which was the fav), veterinary tech college training in hs, 7 years of choir under my belt since 5th grade including after hs in multiple churches & my choir teachers wedding. I Iove animals, likes to paint, great with technology, listen to music & sing along to every word almost exact, family oriented, a gaming & content creating wizard, passion for helping people, can organize & clean the shit out of anything, can be the boss when i feel the need as well as the spunk & charisma to push forward at any given task. I can multitask & can get shit done if I set my mind to it, if there's something or someone I need to feel purpose to be my best self, yea & if I'm accepted, that's purpose enough right there to get my ass moving.

Yea, jumbling alot of shit in my early life made me crack under the pressure but only cuz i really went over the top & burnt out. But ive relaxed alot since then & am treated for my ailments, ive learned to do things to pace myself now to prevent a psychosis from ever happen again.

Ive said this b4, there was 1 other that also broke up with me...1st time it ever happened the other way around mind u, was also a Leo.. shocker lol. After only 3 months & of me saying the L word too quick...it was what finally broke me, what added ontop of everything else. I was living in my own apt since hs & after school a yr later at 19..he lived in the same apt complex & worked where i did. We hit it off really well & loved talking to eachother at work, almost the same humorous & smart personality with a passion for gaming, dead ass great driver, skinny & ample where it counted, & yea also a weed enthusiast 😅 all of it pretty much the same as the recent one in my life. Honestly thinking about it now they probably would've been great friends lol. Thomas was his name, but I was in a relationship at the time of meeting him as well. But I didn't pursue anything til that relationship blew up in my face just cuz my current bf's grandfather was my boss & saw how well Thomas & i got along as friends, associated it with cheating, & that was that. Tom could be mine after all lol, chips fell into place on their own after he professed his feelings to me on his MySpace blog so damn smoothly lol 😂 Saying there was a girl he liked, i commented on it, he asked me out, that was trap lol, but it worked lol. The chemistry was 🔥

But yea, we had alot fun together & he was completely chill with me. But after it ended it set something off in me. Ended up in a psych ward for 2-3 weeks, little did I know he was worried sick & had no idea where i was or how to visit. I wasnt allowed to have my phone but the persons number I knew by heart, was the previous guy b4 tom, the chubby aloof dumbass that was my 1st love lol. Tom hated him with a passion cuz this dude wasn't a man that treated me fairly, pushed onto me by his family for me to take care of, shelter & feed him mooching off of me & taking advantage of a comfortable place to live at 1 point. When i was in the hospital, my 1st was the 1 to pick me up. When I got back from the hospital I learned of how tom was worried & he gave me a big hug. But by that point I was back with the 1st...somehow that happened & I actually don't remember what brought it on cuz my memory throughtout those weeks was dowsed in medication...but Thomas was the one heartbroken instead of me this time cuz he actually did want me back, the fact I took this other guy back over him, a person he despised...was terrible to him & he severed all ties, moved away. He broke up with me, technically it was okay as so i thought to see someone else regardless if it was an ex or not. i didn't know I had another chance at all.

But anyway, the difference between the 2 leo Ts, 1 let me in completely, cared about me as much as i did for him in same way & the L word too soon is what did it in for him after 3 months 🤷‍♀️ The other T well..unfortunately 1 sided for the most part despite how well we clicked, i was faithful & the other tried not to be after 3 months & hid things due to his own insecurities, pulling me along for another 3months when I didn't have to do jack for him at all after that point, but I did. I might've said the L word too soon with him as well idk. But because I'm a different person than I was then, there's no psychotic break...its just the depressed feeling of defeat with the mix of the longing i still have for him.

Wtf is it with T names & the number 3!? ffs! 😫 Briana Leigh Templin BLT, Bri Loves...whoever Tfuk 🤣

I cant write anymore today, I gotta leave tomorrow. My brother wants me to work for him instead & make more money, in a team that would be like in an office space, basically an assistant but making calls & checking in with clients within his real estate, solar, etc businesses.

But idk, I just got my foot in the door with something else. If I let go of that, for something that could or could not be bad for me, then what do I do? Neither of them sound any less stressful, bryans idea however earns more money & would have me dealing with stuff I like to do in regards to skills maybe? Idk man, idk. It'd a tough call.

My point in writing this, nothing accept to show how much I thought he was perfect for me, just as he originally thought about me. These are all thoughts going through my mind, get them out of my head. To talk openly the way I am, its therapeutic. But I miss him so damn much, not sure when this feeling will go away. I still love him & even dare I say trust him,even through his lying ass faults & idk why, i shouldn't but i do...thats the powerful effect he had on me. Still waiting on the last promise to be friends, im giving space, venting here instead of to him cuz i wouldn't want to be that much of an annoyance. I was going to include more but it'd be dark & negative,& im not about outing the worst in people especially if he was a good guy for the most part...no that wouldn't be right, probably deserves it to be honest..but no. I still wanna do right by him. That's all for now

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mywildloves · 7 years

Text

So, let me give you guys an idea of whats been going on since I was active on a daily basis here.

Ive finally admitted to myself that the fact that I lost my job was my fault. I developed a severe mental illness due a multitude of factors I had no control over, but, my illness and the therapy got in the way of my job performance, and my presence in the lab. Its like, yeah I didnt expect my brain to decompose and I certainly didnt know how to deal with that, but at the same time the responsibility of trying to do the very best I could was mine. And I didnt. And thats why Im here. I carry a lot of guilt about it.

Being unemployed for this long has been really scary. Ive been out of work since June and Ive only had two interviews and nothings come out of them. I have a feeling that no one in NYC will take me because they all know my boss and they dont want him to think theyve “poached” me from his lab. That was one of the concerns that a woman from one institution had. She said she still had to keep up a relationship with the members of the microscopy community, and didnt want my employment with her to cause a deterioration of the relationship she has with my former lab. Could be bullshit, maybe hiring me is a risk... and its hard to know that that fact IS my fault. That I should have handled the therapy and the effect of my mental illness more professionally. They call me because Im qualified, but then they wont take me because of where I used to work. I feel like either I need to move to a new state, or change professions. I love microscopy though. I do. I want to stay there. I want to contribute to the knowledge. I want to be part of the effort. Science excites me.

Theres one job that Im still waiting on, and its the one I REALLY REALLY WANT, but I havent gotten much of a response to the few emails Ive sent. Im showing them that Im enthusiastic about the position without being overbearing and irritating. I sent the guy I interviewed with a “thank you for your time” email, like youre supposed to. And then I sent him an email with a few questions, since he said it would be understandable that after the interview I might have some questions that didnt come to mind during the interview. No answer. Then I emailed his assistant to see if the position had been filled and she said that nothing has happened with that position that shes aware of and that he and the other PI on the project have been travelling a lot, and to “stay tuned” for more info. The feeling I got from that interview was that they werent in a rush to get someone.

I asked him if waiting for me to relocate would be an issue as this position is in Boston and finding a place to live, a school for my kids, some kind of day care situation, etc, would take time. His answer was “Well, were not interested in finding the person who can start as soon as possible, were looking for the right person. If you told me you couldnt make it until May, then we might have to talk about getting that time frame a little closer” So... Im not out of the pool. He didnt even want references as he said that he knew a bunch of people from Einstein (where I used to work) that now work for their company. I know who hes talking about, and thats a very very very good thing.

Strangely, a company based in France that works on temperature controllers for microscopes contacted me. That was the thing I was trying to patent, and build while I was working at my old job. No one knows about that except for you guys, vaguely, and the people in my old lab. How word got to some start up company in France is beyond me.

Ugh, enough about the job thing. I know, that was a lot but thats whats front and center here.

In other news, Im now 125 lbs! Much better than the 105 lbs I had dropped to. It was gross. Being 105 lbs isnt gross, but the quickness at which I lost it gave me saggy skin and even though I looked good in clothes, naked, I was a mess. Just a horror show. Now Im filling it out and the yoga is REALLY helping me tone up. Ive been eating more and taking the kids to the playground after school a lot (since winter will be here before you know it and those days will be few and far between). When I take them to the park I dont do the sitting on the bench playing with my phone thing. I play. I love the playground, so while Im having fun Im also moving and exercising. All of Dylans friends like me a lot because I engage them while their parents are all squawking in the parent clique, and Im there to have fun with them all. Dylans “girlfriend” really likes me too. We had a jumping competition last time I went. Who could jump the longest off of the highest step on this one jungle gym thing. It was like 4 steps high, so I wasnt putting her in danger, but it was cute. I did save her from some bigger boys that were picking her up and swinging her around and boy did I read them the riot act.

Dylan got 100% on his first test, which was a spelling test, and of course Im so proud of him, but at the same time Im also pretty peeved that he had to take a test in the first grade. I dont know, maybe Im too soft, but at 6 years old theyre still babies and they dont need tests yet. What if they dont do well? Thats hard for a 6 year old. Its unnecessary at their age IMO.

Theres so much more but Ive written a shit ton here that no one is going to read because of length, so Ill write more as I think about it. Its just a hard time right now, but really Im making the best of it. Im owning my shit and trying as hard as I can to fix it. The time Im getting with my kids is really awesome, and its a privilege honestly. Ill cherish this forever. I wish I could make some money while doing it, but thats almost impossible after not having established myself at any kind of company. I dont even care what I do. I just want to stay here. I thought about selling artwork but Im afraid Im not good enough for that. Theres just so much to figure out but not a whole lot of time.

Anyway, talk soon.

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lovelesswiki · 7 years

Note

The dynamic between Natsuo and Youji has always fascinated me. Since their first appearance, they've obviously moved beyond murderous psychopath twins. I enjoy your commentary on Loveless characters so, do you have insight to offer on the Sagan Brothers?

hey! thanks for the question!

i talked a bit about natsuo and youji when i wrote this post, but ill expand on it a bit here.

let me start by saying that i have a lot of gripes with the way loveless is written, and most of those gripes surround the fact that we’ve dropped every plot line and bit of characterization besides ‘look at this weird thing seimei’s doing!!!!!!! LOOK AT IT!!!!!”

surprisingly, though, natsuo and youji are not part of that.

in all seriousness, natsuo and youji are the two characters in loveless who i think have been written and have remained to be written really, really well. they’ve developed and changed over the course of the series in a way that’s consistent and believable, while their core values have remained pretty much the same. what i’m trying to say here is that even though this is a manga about catboys and even though i’m talking about two genetically modified kids who can’t feel pain, natsuo and youji are written shockingly realistically.

i talked a lot in the post i linked above about attachment theory and how it affected the sagan boys (and maybe the girls, too). the basic rundown is that developmental psychologists (developmental clinical psych is actually my specialty hahah so this may get long) have a theory about why kids sometimes act out inappropriately sometimes towards adults. from an early age, kids are supposed to ‘securely attach’ onto an adult, which basically means that kids are supposed to have a parental figure they can trust, and it’s supposed to be someone they can trust to come back and trust to comfort/soothe them in times of need, whether that’s physical needs (food, water, discomfort) or emotional needs (lonliness, pain [emotional or physical], affection, etc). kids who are not securely attached but still have some sort of attachment usually have minor developmental issues, but kids who are unable to form an attachment at all usually suffer greatly from larger emotional, behavioral, and developmental issues.

i’ve also talked a bit about how i feel nagisa’s relationship with natsuo and youji is very…ignored or passed over. and really, it’s not completely the readership’s fault, because her treatment of them is often played for laughs. but sometimes, it’s not, and it’s in those times that it becomes apparent just how concerning her behavior is towards them, especially since it’s in those times that it’s obvious that the two are looking to her for some sort of real, parental support, and she’s reacting very badly and abusively to it.

this panel is a prime example of this, because at the time youji was expressing concern for nagisa and wanting to help her in a very normal way, and she reacts by hitting him hard while screaming that he’s useless to her. when i bring up this scene, i like to also bring up the fact that until soubi takes them in when they’re twelve (or eleven), the two of them lived with her and just because they can’t feel pain doesn’t mean that she’s allowed to hit or injure them. it doesn’t justify it–in fact, it actually makes things worse, given that any abuser could see this as a justification to do it more.

what’s more is that after this, youji doesn’t even react. he seems to think it’s completely normal, like he’s grown up with this, and it’s that that makes me doubt, as well as her previous treatment of them, that this is a first-time or even recent thing. every interaction we have between nagisa and natsuo and youji is her being extremely cruel, cold, and overall pretty terrible to them. she never actually treats them well and it’s as if she sees them as toys rather than actual children who simply can’t feel pain.

i’ve said previously that natsuo and youji most definitely did not attach onto nagisa correctly, if at all. theres things that are incredibly off about them and her, including the way they seem to think of their relationship with nagisa as having the potential for a romantic relationship or simply just the way they are at the beginning of the series. at their introduction, the two of them are sadistic monsters who seem to want nothing more than to hurt everyone around them and behave completely outside of the norm. in fact, at their introduction, the two of them fit almost every qualification for both reactive attachment disorder and conduct disorder

(these simplify the symptoms a little bit from how i learned them in clinical classes, but it’s a good simplified rundown)

conduct disorder:

reactive attachment disorder:

it’s notable that conduct disorder is typically estimated to turn into antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) in about ~30% of cases and is sometimes seen as a precursor to ASPD. some clinicians that i’ve met actually believe that CD always turns into ASPD. in my opinion, they are wrong because of nature vs nurture AKA i believe that if it’s caught and intervened with in a healthy, correct manner, the effects of CD and RAD (which are usually co-morbid, for the record) can be reversed. some people don’t agree with that, but that’s my professional fight to fight. anyways, i keep saying at the beginning of the series because… to put it simply, Natsuo and Youji have changed and progressed more than any other character in the series, including ritsuka and soubi.

obviously, the general treatment for RAD and CD is usually to find out why a child isn’t attaching/why they haven’t attached and change that. the cause for both of them is typically abuse and neglect, two things we’ve seen in natsuo and youji’s case with nagisa. if a clinician/case worker were to asses the situation, it would’ve been bad enough that they would’ve been taken out of the household. which is what happened, accidentally, when natsuo and youji lost the battle against soubi despite driving a nail through his hand. after that, the next step would be to put the child(ren) with someone else, someone who’s fit to be a parent and preferably, someone who will take care of them and give them what they need, and someone who will allow them to progress at their own rate with attaching. that… again, is what accidentally happened. i’m not saying that agatsuma soubi is a perfect parent or even a really good one, but he happened to be what natsuo and youji needed to start becoming normal kids and not sadistic monsters who nearly raped a woman. soubi essentially lets them do what they want with some guidelines and isn’t overbearing but takes care of them and seems to offer them some sort of parental figure to talk to if they want to. he’s not the best at it and obviously has no idea what he’s doing, but purely by coincidence, he’s doing something right.

right now in the series, natsuo and youji are little goblins who are annoying and irritating and a bit mean to the people around them, but they’re nothing like how they were. the way they are right now is kind of how you’d expect any shitty, stuck-up middle schooler entering puberty to be. maybe they’re a little worse, but they’re absolutely nothing like how they were at some point. they’ve developed relationships with other kids, have succeeded in school, and have somewhat attached onto soubi to the point where they generally seem to do what he says and didn’t want to leave when they were called back to nagisa. in fact, they even state that living with soubi is much more preferable and enjoyable than living with nagisa.

the two of them could still clearly benefit from a lot of therapy but completely by coincidence, soubi was the right thing for them and natsuo and youji have developed to the point where they can be called protagonists who don’t really have any bad intentions anymore.

there’s something else i wanted to touch on that i mentioned above, and that’s the fact that they’ve both made offhanded comments that seem to imply that they view nagisa in a romantic/sexual light. this is something that seems to confuse fans a lot to the point where many just tend to choose to completely ignore it since they don’t want to touch that with a ten foot pole, and i don’t blame them–it’s weird and creepy and so, so out of the norm that people can’t start to comprehend it. after all, most people, to some extent or another seem to realize at least a little even if they look over it, that nagisa did raise these two and is a maternal figure. their remarks about her would make anyone uncomfortable. well, i’m here to make you all more uncomfortable by saying that this is due to abuse and is completely in-character on nagisa’s part.

emotional incest is a term that you don’t tend to hear unless it’s out of a clinical setting or from a community of people who are recovering from/dealing with abuse (justnomil on reddit uses this term rightfully a lot, for example). emotional incest is generally where someone treats their kids as if they’re their romantic/sexual partner emotionally by seeking inappropriate emotional support from their kids when that emotional support should only be sought from an adult involved with them. this is when the parent turns to the child to use them as a confident/emotional support to lean on when the child needs their emotional and physical needs fulfilled. in turn, the children feel emotionally abandoned because their parent is using them for only emotional support as if they’re a romantic partner. it doesn’t imply that there’s physical incest/sexual abuse going on, but the effects can be similar. (this is a helpful link for more info about emotional/covert incest).

in short, this seems to be what’s going on between nagisa and natsuo and youji. she’s shown in the manga dumping all of her problems and emotional problems onto natsuo and youji, who might i remind you are 11-12 years old, and never really talking to another adult about them because natsuo and youji don’t know enough to tell her that she’s doing something wrong/needs to change. when a parent does this and treats their kids this way, it can often leave the kids… feeling very strangely about the adult. oftentimes, like with physical incest, it can initially leave the kids feeling ‘special’, like they’re better than the adults, like they’re mature, and these feelings can lead towards the want to fulfill what they think is the expectation of a romantic partner. or, better said, it’s very common for kids to mistakenly develop what they attribute as romantic feelings for the parent, because they think the parent is treating them so specially and already as a romantic/sexual partner. this seems to be what’s happening with natsuo and youji in this case. i say this because while they make comments about this (’my/our woman’, wanting to be more sexually experienced for her, etc), they don’t seem to hold any actual feelings for her, but more the expectation that because of how she treats them, that this is what they’re supposed to do with her.

emotional incest is a very hard concept to grasp because not a lot of people know about it and because of that, it’s hard to understand why natsuo and youji act the way they do towards nagisa, but i’m pretty positive that it’s because of the fact that she treats them like romantic/sexual partners emotionally by dumping all of her emotions and problems on them and trying to have them deal with it and offering them no parental reassurance or support. this is really just another long winded way of talking about another way in which natsuo and youji attached wrongly onto nagisa, which caused the way they are in their introduction to the series.

youji and natsuo’s emotional and development problems might be better understood when looked at from a community psychology viewpoint, as well. community psych isn’t my specialty, but it’s a side passion of mine so i think i know it pretty well. community psychology basically looks at the levels of development and problems that someone has and how they can affect someone at an individual level. if someone has problems at all levels, then they are likely to be developmentally and emotionally affected at an individual level.

above is the systems usually used in community psych. it helps us understand the connection between problems an individual has and the problems a society has and how they affect each other in this context. i’d wager to say that natsuo and youji are so developmentally and emotionally affected because they have problems at literally every level. starting off from macrosystems, they have an issue with the culture/society they’re in, given that they’re isolated by nagisa and considered outsides due to their physical condition. locally, they have similar issues–they’re completely isolated in one culture in an isolated school in an isolated town in an isolated mountainous area, and even then, they’re a little ostracized in the community because of the fact they can’t feel pain, something that’s very integrated into the culture of the Fighter-Sacrifice world. Organizationally, they’re isolated, as well, because they live with nagisa and don’t go to school in the traditional sense. they also have a ton of problems in their microsystem with their ‘family’, consisting of nagisa, and their lack of friends. overall, all of their problems and isolations in all these contexts comes down to cause problems on the individual, to the point where in the beginning, natsuo and youji do not act like normal kids at all.

it’s only after the two of them are exposed to a normal, usual culture (macrosystem), placed in a non-isolated city (local), going to a regular non-isolated diverse school (organizational), and have a somewhat functioning, healthy family and group of friends do they start to greatly improve, because all those issues have been taken off of the individual, leaving them to start developing correct attachments and overall ‘getting better’.

i know that i’ve rambled a lot about psychology and also about nagisa in this, but both those things are so heavily intertwined with natsuo and youji’s stories that it’s hard to separate them or not talk about them when trying to analyze them.

so, to combat that, let’s talk a little about them as individuals?

natsuo and youji are very interesting characters, both in-series and in meta. they’re treated interestingly in fandom [in meta]. i, like many others, treat and tend to talk about them like they’re one person, rather than two separate people. i do this a lot, and i’ve been doing it in this post, even. honestly, sometimes it’s easier to view them as two people because although they look different and have started having obviously separate personalities, the two of them are a unit and they’re so involved with each other that just like it’s hard to not talk about nagisa when analyzing them, it’s hard not to consider them as one single unit of a person when doing the same. the fact of the matter is, though, that they are two different people, and more obviously so after they’ve started living with soubi.

originally when they were introduced, natsuo and youji seemed like they had the same personalities. they were both equally violent and malicious, and at the time, neither seemed more subdued that the other. over time, though, as they’ve started adjusting to being more ‘normal’, they’ve developed significantly different personalities. natsuo is the calmer of the two, but seems more generally upset at things happening around him. he’s developed a better mind for empathy and seeing the emotions of others and seems to follow youji usually. the empathy is a double-edged sword, though, since natsuo seems to get more easily depressed/upset at events and happenings. youji, on the other hand, has developed to be much more of a leader in his antics, but he has clear and obvious trouble empathizing with others, something that seems to frustrate him lately. he more clearly shows distress when he is distressed and seems to get much more frustrated with himself. they’ve both lost most of their violent tendencies and have developed into just generally mischievous gremlins children. i jokingly call youji the ‘hell child’ because of his tendency to start erratic misbehavior, but it’s absolutely nothing close to attempting to rape someone or killing animals and (maybe) people.

meta-wise, this change has started a clear trend of liking natsuo and youji. i’ve discussed this same thing before, but at their introduction, you’re not supposed to like them because they’re introduced as small monsters who kill a dog, might’ve killed Sleepless, and then try to rape hitomi and drive a nail through soubi’s hand. you’re absolutely not supposed to like them and you’re supposed to want to kick soubi’s ass when he takes them in out of what you later realize is pity on his part. as they become more human and normal, though, people fall in love with them, and they eventually clearly turn ‘good’ when they willingly try to fight against seimei and then willingly volunteer to go with soubi and ritsuka for support when kio gets kidnapped, despite the fact that soubi is marked as one of the strongest fighters and is clearly able to take on bloodless on his own.

on top of that, natsuo and youji have begun to care. this is most clear when they both get upset over ritsuka being upset over the loss of soubi and their immediate insistence that theyll help him. there’s not a whole lot in it for them, since they believe they can take care of themselves (though they can’t, but they don’t know that in canon), so they’re helping ritsuka out of what seems to be concern for someone they view as family/a very good friend. the fact that they care is actually clear before this, though, specifically when nagisa calls them back and they realize that they sort of just want to stay here, with soubi, and then they later realize that they miss him and ritsuka, and then they finally make the conscious decision to leave the woman that they’ve wanted affection from and a connection with their entire lives, and go back to soubi. they care about other people now and both of them have started to experience empathy (though youji doesn’t seem to realize that it’s what he’s feeling) and have started to view their relationship through a light in which they’re beginning to realize that it’s wrong and inappropriate and living with soubi is much better.

soubi also cares about them, even if he has weird ways of showing it. as i said, he’s not the perfect parent or even a really good one and there’s a lot of ways he can improve, but he’s somewhat what they need and part of the reason they’ve become normal children. he actually seems to treat them mostly like an adult should–namely, he doesn’t emotionally treat them like a romantic partner and doesn’t dump everything on them to sort through. he also seems to enjoy taking care of them, as well as ritsuka, and does miss them a lot when they leave. he is happy that they’re back, even though he doesn’t show it immediately, and goes far enough to enroll them in school to get them to be normal kids.

in short, i think natsuo and youji could use some heavy therapy, but they’re actually the two most well-written characters in the series, which is a little impressive given that they’re background characters. they’ve evolved and changed more than any other character in the series, to the point where they’ve become very likable protagonists, a stark difference from how they were when they were first introduced. nagisa is the cause of their developmental issues, as well as them being almost completely isolated, and they’ve changed because of the fact that they’re no longer around her or being isolated.

#vvitchy-ways #loveless #Sagan Natsuo #sagan youji #sagan nagisa #im sorry you were probably not expecting 3000 words of analysis on this IM SORRY #theory

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peaceful-pawz · 3 years

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Lemme Tell You A Story/SD Vent P1

So... lemme start by saying... I never originally WANTED a SD. My doctor, my therapist and my psychiatrist all suggested I get one because of how bad I am. What I USED to do, was go around with my cat, Saru, in a pet backpack, with a harness and leash on him. No.. I didn't do this 'to be cool' or 'because I wanted to drag my cat around' like these weirdos with fake SDs that just want an excuse to bring their carry-on yapper into the store with them. I started out only doing it to help Saru with getting social interactions so that he could develop into a well rounded cat when he grew up, because he was a kitten at the time. I don't have friends and don't really get along well with my family so I didn't have any other way to socialize him. What I discovered as I brought him out more and more was something else entirely. He was a fucking UNICORN. The first sign of this, was the day a lady lead me around all day, to the point my feet hurt, I was tired and my stress level hit a high point to where I could barely move. At this time, this was before I got the backpack and was rolling him around in a pet stroller. I was so worn down I collapsed to my knees, hung my head and started to cry and whimper a little from how tired and sore I was. I was ready to give up right there. It was already dark and I was in so much pain I could barely move. That is... until I felt someone pat my head. I looked up, confused, only to see a tiny paw leaned out of the side of the stroller, with Saru peeking one eye at me and gave a small, concerned meow. Well... I was touched. This little guy was trying to cheer me up and let me know he was there for me. It moved me so much, I couldn't help but smile and found my second wind. Yes... I still hurt, but I did my best to ignore it and just get us home, knowing that this little guy was on my side and did all he could to help me feel better. This didn't stop at that either. Saru over time, started to pick up more and more on my mental and emotional state all in the span of a year. To the point that he became my... 'service cat'. What started as a means of getting him socialized, became my lifeline. It wasn't even just my mental and emotional health he looked out for either. If I was on the verge on an attack, before I even knew it, he was alerting me, meowing till I moved away from the area, opened the side of the bag and stuck my hand in so he could lick it till he was sure I was okay. If I was feeling depressed at home, he would come up and lay on my chest and purr till he felt I would be alright, as well as for anxiety attacks. If I was in pain, for any reason, he would insist I sit down or he would NOT stop meowing at me. As soon as I sat and rested, he'd calm down. If my blood sugar was too low from not eating as much as I probably should've that day(like skipping breakfast), he would meow at me till I got something to eat. Then he'd calm down. And if I didn't listen to him at any point in time? Ooooh, he'd make a stink. He'd not just meow, he'd paw and claw at the backpack relentlessly! I took him to group therapy with me for the time I went and he'd be let out but he'd always stay close by or rest on the couch and watch me. He was the joy of the group, everyone loved him and noted how attentive he was to me. The trouble is... I couldn't keep it up forever. Saru IS a cat after all. He can't BE a Service Animal legally here in the US and because of that, I was now trapped in a corner. I was told I couldn't bring him with me anymore to my therapy sessions, because the owner of the building was cracking down against ESAs. I understood... I always got lucky here because Saru always stayed in his backpack unless I was at a specific place that allowed otherwise and this is a very pet friendly town. But... it couldn't last. Even now, tho he doesn't come with me, he complains because he can't and does still look after me in the house. But... I needed to break down and do what I had been suggested so many times before at that point. Oh, I tried going out alone, I did. But it felt

like I was in a constant state of panic at all times. Attacks were more frequent and I was constantly on edge. It wasn't working... so... I backpedaled. I couldn't risk leaving the house and having frequent attacks all the time! Going anywhere that rejected him was a nightmare because the only places he WAS rejected, was the place I needed to go to get my psyc meds! With me not going tho, I did my best to at least make a way of handling it otherwise, getting it from Helping Hands, until I could get up there again. But... because I stopped going up... they aborted me from the program without warning. I was headed in a downward spiral I couldn't get out of. So... I decided to break down and try and do a SD. Its not... that I dislike dogs mind you. I adore all animals. I just didn't feel I could AFFORD a dog. But thanks to my starting to help out the local strays around here, the head person at Pet Partners decided to help me to be able to afford the dog's needs when I couldn't. I finally was training a dog and it was starting to work itself back out. But... I washed two dogs before I got to my current one. Sans, because he could NOT be trusted off-lead and Kiiro, because he'd freeze up around strangers and become unresponsive till I got him away from the situation. He wouldn't even lay in the room with a stranger if the room was too small. Kuro, my current girl was doing beautifully. If she was working, she knew to go potty and then return to me right after. She had no fear of strangers but also knew better than to let them reach for her. Kuro was doing so wonderfully! She even picked up commands really fast! But... that all started to spiral downward the moment I realized... she wasn't responding to my attacks at all. She couldn't tell when they were on the verge like Saru. Sure, I taught her DPT. She'd do it for a bit. But after a while, she'd decide that she was bored of laying in that spot and rather lay beside me, which was not helpful. I don't wanna wash her too, but if she can't smell my anxiety before I know about it then... theres not much I can do. I need to be told BEFORE it comes about. Heck, Saru even would tell people to step back if they got too close behind me to make sure I didn't have an attack. While Kuro still hasn't figured out to auto-block for me. I have to tell her to. Honestly... just writing this is making my anxiety trigger... so... I'm gonna take a break for now... lay down...

#story time

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