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hunnylagoon · 5 months

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Right Where You Left Me

Pt 2: Jailbird

Ellie Williams x reader

I want to write a poem about you but I’m afraid it won’t be enough. I almost feel ashamed that I want you to fit into a word because we both know that you are beyond anything that can be put on paper.

Premise: You and Ellie were childhood friends before you drifted apart. Funny thing about soulmates is that they tend to find there way back to each other. While you both visit home for winter break, events unfold and it is no longer possible to avoid each other.

Warnings: Angst / homophobia / brief violence / reader has religious issues

Part one here!

Part three here!

Part four here!

I may have been wrong to say that I could never hate Ellie. Fuck she was vicious, in the most passive-aggressive way too. She's so sly about it that I can't even get mad without seeming irrational.

Winter break finally rolled around and I had yet to make any progress with Ellie it was whatever the opposite of progress is. If she wanted to hate me, that was fine, I could do the same, I could be petty. It's now December and all of this bullshit started in September, she could hardly be courteous.

Fuck her.

I had survived mid-terms and finals but the way Ellie was acting had me skipping happily towards the edge. She will wash a whole sink of dishes and leave just my fork, or Venmo request me if I ate one of her grapes. Everything had gotten worse when Dina, Abby, and Cat all left to visit their families for winter break leaving just Ellie and I, without the girls there to hold us to the house rules we were at each other's throats.

She was foaming at the fucking mouth to tear me apart. There was no level-headed Abby or fun-loving Dina, not even Cat who was just mellow. Just me and Ellie verbally abusing each other. "Fuck off, with your wild animal teeth," I spat, slamming the dish cupboard closed with a loud thud.

"Wild animal teeth?" She repeats "Wow, you're getting creative, I'll give you that," Ellie's gaze held a certain bitterness "Heard you were on your knees again last night and I don't mean praying."

My eye almost twitches at her words and it takes everything in me not to throw a ceramic bowl at her. I hated her, I hated her freckled face, and eyes as sharp as knives, just hearing her raspy voice, and seeing her sardonic smile made me want to keel over and let the earth wrap me in her flourishing greenery. I often wanted that to happen. I was trying to refrain from going home as I didn't want to spend the entire break with my family but I was starting to think nothing was better than this, I was set to leave the following day (Christmas Eve) anyway but I was seconds away from grabbing my bag and jumping into my car. "Can you just learn to be fucking civil?"

"Why would-

"Because we were sixteen years old when that stupid shit happened!" I spat "You're holding a grudge from when we were sixteen," I reiterated, searching her features for some sign that I'd gotten through to her.

"It's not like you've changed since any of that happened." She stands, unnervingly calm on the other side of the kitchen island. "You were always awful since we were young, always crying, always emotional, always explosive, my dad said you're like a birch tree, one spark and you burst into flames."

"Fuck off."

"You always had to have the attention," Her eyebrows furrow "Nothing was your fault, blame being fucking erratic and insane on your parents."

"You don't know my parents half as well as you think you do."

"What don't I know about them? They've been in my life as long as you have."

"Ellie, stop," I say, suddenly I'm taken away from the mood to fight, I just want to scream into my pillow.

"What?" She asks "You're going to say some shit like 'they aren't loving' or 'you wouldn't get it' Please, enlighten me, what wouldn't I get?" She moves closer just an inch or so "Wow, your life sounds so hard, you have two parents who love each other and a huge fucking house, oh shit," Sarcasm drips from her tone "Maybe it's that trust fund that's taking a toll on you."

"Please, stop."

"You could commit every crime known to man and you would still be their pride and joy, there is nothing you could say or do that would make them hate you-

"Here we go with your 'life is so fucking hard and I'm edgy and indie and I have a sad backstory that I'll bring up every second sentence even though I was seven when it happened' " I mock her.

She bites the inside of her cheek and I can tell that I've struck a nerve "You know when my lease-

"Don't even worry about it," I move out from the kitchen and begin towards my room, Ellie's eyes are trailing me "The minute my lease is up, I'm packing my shit and moving into student housing so I won't have to look at your fucking face while I'm eating!" I slam my bedroom door behind me.

I left that night, I couldn't bear the sound of her guitar strums, so repetitive it made me want to slam my head through the drywall.

You better believe that I cried my entire way home while blasting Julien Baker. My mother was pleasantly surprised to see me at her doorstep a day early, I knew Ellie would be coming down sometime tomorrow to spend the Holidays with her family, I didn't know when, I just knew that I didn't want to see her.

I never even told my parents that Ellie was my roommate and they hadn't heard it from Joel as they drifted when Ellie and I were fifteen.

My bedroom was exactly how I left, I cuddled into my twin bed that night sinking into the absolute silence of the the snowfall, with my dog Dusty curled at my side. I always loved the snow, the way it acted as soundproofing for the earth, when I was little I would just sit in the backyard so I could hear the birds sing in their purest and truest form.

Christmas Eve was dull to begin with, to say the least; my mom made Christmas tree-shaped waffles as she did every year, I was then dragged to an excruciatingly long church sermon. When we returned home I was sent to shovel the driveway, turns out visiting home from college doesn't excuse you from chores. I knew Ellie had arrived when I saw her grey sedan in Joel's driveway as well as Tommy's Range Rover. Bundled up in mittens and a hand-knitted scarf that Naomi gave to me I felt really tough giving the middle finger to Ellie wherever she was in Joel's house.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Elijah was cackling in the doorway. Dusty I happily bounding through the snow, paying to mind to my brother.

I immediately dropped my arm, trying to play nonchalantly "Uh, shoveling the driveway?"

His laughter only grew "You look so stupid," He huffed between cackles "You're standing in a foot of snow in the driveway giving Mr. Miller's house the middle finger in your cute little mitts."

"Say that louder, no one could hear you," I say, sarcastically.

"Hear ye, hear ye-

My eyes go wide and I drop the shovel to form a snowball and deck it at my brother "Shut up!"

"Ow!" He flinches, and his track and field hoodie from high school is now covered in powdered sleet. "Whatever," He yanks his hoodie off to shake the snow off of it "Just finish the driveway so we can watch a movie or something, I haven't seen you in months, Naomi and Aaron haven't shut up about you all holiday break."

I give him a mitted thumbs up before I try to speed run the shovelling, albeit slipping on black ice more than a few times. When I came back inside, I needed to change, my parka was dripping with snow that had melted into water.

I bundle up into sweatpants and an old soccer t-shirt. Being in my old room digs up memories pinned on my wall with bright thumbtacks year after year of photos of my soccer team, in every single one Ellie and I have our arms slung over each other. We're smiling wide and not focusing on the camera but on one another. I tear the picture away from the thumbtacks and throw them into a random shoe box that sits at the bottom of my closet. After that, I take down every artifact I have of Ellie, the drawings she made me, drafts of songs we wrote together, and t-shirts she left in my drawers, I throw it all into a Rubbermaid storage bin.

Though I leave the little wood carvings that Joel made for me alone.

My family's famous Christmas Eve dinner rolled around and I couldn't believe how excited I was, I'm not the best cook and despite me and my mother going through spats every other day, she was one hell of a good chef and I had spent months craving her honey roasted carrots and creamy mashed potatoes.

Please don't judge me when I say this, but we are the family that dresses up for dinners at home. Nothing black tie, just something a little dapper, one time I wore jeans to our family dinner and I was grounded for a week.

I finished zipping up my white sundress and I let my little sister tie a matching bow into my hair, when she saw what I was wearing she changed into her white dress which was ankle length while mine fell right above my knees.

"Oh, my sweet girls are matching again," My mom fawns over us "Let me get a picture of this cute little moment," I smile for the picture, and Naomi does the same, hooking an arm around my midriff. "Adorable," Mom looks at the picture before tucking her phone into her pocket "Now girls, please set the table."

Even though I hadn't been at home for months, setting the table was like muscle memory to me, Naomi put the placemats down, and then I did the dinner plate and salad plate, Naomi would place the napkins and cutlery then I would set glasses and pour everyone water from the pitcher. By the time we finished setting the table everyone aside from my mother and Elijah were at the table, early awaiting what was sure to be a filling dinner.

Slowly but surely my mom brought the dishes with Elijah, placing them all through the center of the dining table. After everything was placed my father, who sits at the head of the table cleared his throat, that was his signal for everyone to join hands. "Dear God, We gather today with grateful hearts to thank you for this food before us. We appreciate the effort and resources that have provided us with this nourishment. May this meal sustain our bodies and remind us of the many blessings in our lives. We are thankful for the love of family and friends who surround us and for the abundance we enjoy. Bless this food, our time together, and those who prepared it. May it strengthen us physically and spiritually. This is your body, this is your love. We thank you for feeding us with your gracious hands. In Jesus' name, we give thanks and pray. Amen."

"Amen," My family repeats before we all ravishingly fill our plates with chicken, maple-roasted mushrooms, buttered green beans, bread rolls, and mashed potatoes. I was eating so fast, I was shocked that I didn't spill anything on myself.

"So, have you met any cute boys at college?" My mother asks me, she is the only one eating politely "I'm sure you could get a real smart guy with those looks of yours."

My father nods "Just make sure he's Christian."

"Or catholic," My mother adds.

I laugh awkwardly in response, I take a sip of my water, the condensation making it slippery in my hands. Elijah gives me an odd look that goes unnoticed by my parents.

"I think we should drop off some bread or cookies or something to the Miller's, just something to say hi while Tommy and Maria are still there." My mom tells us, she isn't speaking to anyone in particular.

"Is Ellie there right now?" Aaron asks.

Elijah shrugs "Probably, her car is in the driveway."

Now Naomi is looking at me "We should invite her over for New Year's or something if she's staying for the rest of break."

My dad shakes his head "I don't know if that's a good idea," All eyes fall on him "It's just- I think she's a bit of a bad influence." He takes a swig of his wine and attempts to suppress a burp but fails. I press my lips into a thin line and look down at my plate to hold in my laughter, Elijah does the same beside me.

"I don't remember Ellie being a bad influence," Aaaron furrows his eyebrows, racking his brain to think of a time that she had done their family wrong.

"It's just that there were rumours of her having-" My father searches for the words "Unnatural tendencies I suppose, and I tried to talk to Joel about it but he got defensive and said that she didn't need fixing, that's how I lost my best fishing buddy."

My mom looks at the discomfort on all of her children's faces "I mean, we all need a bit of fixing."

Dad is quick to catch on "Oh, yeah, of course, I mean it's not just Ellie," He fumbles over his words "And it's not her fault that she's that way, I think It's because she lost her mother when she was young so she got confused about the parental roles, Joel never remarried and he didn't date around much so Ellie didn't have a proper mother figure, it's not her fault she's a dyke and there's still time to fix it if she wants to choose the right path."

Stillness falls over the table, I had never heard silence quite this loud. Even my mother is at a loss for words. All of my siblings are darting our eyes at one another, we don't utter a single word but we understand each other clearly 'Dad actually said it'.

He noticed this and tried to backtrack on his words "I'm not a bad guy, I mean we've all read the bible cover to cover, we know it's a sin. I'll wrap this up, you all know that we love you no matter what and all I'm saying is I'm glad we could distance ourselves away from it."

"Hey Dad, did you watch the Canucks game last week?" Elijah swoops in to change the topic. It's too late, a wave of sickness has already overtaken me.

While my family discusses nothing in particular, trying to ignore what Dad said, I am sick to my stomach, I push my plate away and prop my elbow the the table for my hand to support my head. I am nearly shaking. My dull eyes peer across the table and meet my father's drowsy gaze.

"Honey, are you feeling alright?" My mom pauses whatever conversation she is enwrapped in.

I don't respond, I don't know how.

My family's eyes find a resting place on my figure. Mom pushes herself away from her chair and walks over to me, she places one hand between my shoulder blades, the other takes my cold hand and she slowly rubs a circle on my back to comfort me. "Sweetness, whatever is repressed inside, say it, let it out, we're all family."

Naomi nods in agreement, her wide eyes full of concern. "I don't know how to say it," I tell them.

"Air it out," My dad says, finishing off his glass of wine and pouring himself another "Today is the perfect day, tomorrow is the birth of Jesus, a fresh start."

My heart is racing faster than it ever has before, faster than when I broke my wrist in Ellie's backyard or when I had been on a rollercoaster for the first time. "I like girls," I say, my voice is quiet, and my three words take my family with silence. My mother freezes and takes a step back, her comforting hands leaving me.

"You're joking," My dad scoffs "Tell me this is a joke and you're normal."

"I can't," My voice cracks and I can already tell that the tears are oncoming. I think briefly back to Ellie's words 'There is nothing you could say or do that would make them hate you' if only she could see what was about to happen.

"All of those sleepovers with Ellie?" He is disgusted, his face contorting with horror "Were you dating her?"

"no-

"How can I believe anything you say, you lied to us for nineteen years when you knew you were sick."

"Dad, I'm not sick-

"How many sinful acts have you done under this roof?"

"None, I swear," I shake my head, it took less than a minute for me to be filled with regret at my words. I shouldn't have even come home for the holidays, actually, I never should've found Dina's listing and jumped at the deal.

"Get out," Any light tone in my dad's voice is gone, replaced by pure resentment.

"What?"

"You heard me, get out."

"Dad, it's Christmas Eve-

"Get out!" His voice rumbles through the dining room like thunder "I thought we fixed this phase when we sent you to boarding school."

"Please, dad-

"Get up and get out or I'm going to make you,"

"Fine- make me," Tears prick in my eyes but I cross my arms trying to muster up that false coolness Ellie is so good at feigning.

My dad slams his glass down so hard that it shakes the table, and the partially empty wine bottle my parents had been nursing all night is knocked over by the abruption, tipping over the deep red liquor to travel down the tablecloth and drip onto what was once my pure white dress. "Get up!" He grabs a fistful of my hair and I scream from the shock of pain. He yanks me off my chair and my face slams against the hardwood when his arm slumps, impact heavy from the sudden drop, it doesn't take long for my nose to start bleeding. He drags me to the door pushing it open; my siblings don't do anything they're petrified in horror and my mother begins to cry, covering her eyes from the scene before her.

My dad doesn't stop at the door, I thrash on the ground and he pulls me over both of my hands trying to pry his away from the roots of my hair, he drags me into the snow, finally releasing me. I shake as my hand gently finds the way to my burning scalp where I fully believe he has pulled out clumps of my hair with his harsh and unforgiving grasp.

From the doorway the rest of my family watches, Naomi has a hand covering her mouth her doe eyes brimming with tears of her own. My father disappeared into the house, it didn't take long to see what he was doing he slammed the window to make the bedroom open and began to throw all of my belongings out of the window. My pictures, my old soccer uniform, armfuls of clothes from my old beaten dresser, candles, books, paints, and shredded posters were torn straight off my wall.

"Dad, stop, I'm sorry, I'll get better!" I am on my knees, hands clasped together pleading with him. My skin is burning from the contact with the snow, I know that it must be a horrific sight to behold. White sundress, stained with wine, tangled hair, red-tinged skin, puffy eyes and incoherent sobs.

The snow makes everything so quiet the only sound travelling through the night are my sobs. I can no longer see my father in my bedroom, he is coming back down and somehow that is worse, he pushes past my family and throws the presents I was supposed to receive on Christmas morning beside me, I flinch at the movement.

"I'm sorry!" I plead like I'm bargaining with the Grimm Reaper for my life "Give me a job and I'll do it, just tell me what to do to get better!" The screaming carries through the night, alerting the neighbours in what was supposed to be a calm and quiet neighbourhood. Across the street, Joel turns on his porch light, squinting his eyes at the scene on the opposing lawn and trying to make sense of it. "I want to get better!" I shake with every sob. I could hear my dogs barking from the loud noises.

My dad shakes his head "You're too far gone, I didn't raise a fucking dyke," He is almost crying himself, he doesn't mourn for the daughter that he has but the daughter that could've been. The daughter who donned white every Sunday for church and settled down with a nice family man, a daughter who was holy but in this moment I am the purest form of holiness, born again from the violence of my father.

"Dad, I was created in God's image, why would he create his child to be this way if it was so wrong?"

"You're a fucking mistake is what you are," He seethes "Get off my property or I'm calling the cops."

"You still have my bags!" I scream and I watch him retreat to get them "Are you going to do anything at all?" I search my family for any sign of life but they all avert their eyes from mine. My father comes back out, and he throws my purse and suitcase on the lawn, this time both of them hit me, talking about kicking someone when they're down.

My dad begins to usher the family inside "I never want to see you again, get your ass up and start working, I'm not paying for you to fuck around with women instead of getting an education."

"That's it?" I cry "You won't come to my wedding or meet my kids? What about my funeral?"

"Not as long as you're with a woman." With that, he slams the door behind him and locks it. I let out another guttural sob, I've already cried so much that it's beginning to hurt within my stomach. I take a deep and shaky breath in, wiping the tears away from my eyes with my freezing hands, I'm sure to catch hypothermia if I don't warm up. I look up to see my neighbours all around either watching from their window or in the Miller family's case, the front porch. I'm sure that someone has already called the police.

"Let me in, I'm sorry!" I scramble off the ground and begin to bang on the door. Shaking the handle "Let me in!" This goes on for longer than I would've liked, I hammer on the door and scream as loud as I can but they all ignore me. Eventually, I stand by the window and slam my hands on it "Let me in or give me my fucking dog, you can't take care of him!"

I knew I was fucked when I heard sirens. It only made sense for the neighbours to call the cops at this disturbance.

I'm going to do you all a favour and tell you some useful information; when the police arrive and you don't wanna seem guilty, don't try to drive away from the scene because you might just end up getting handcuffed and shoved into the back of a police car for your childhood bestfriends family to watch from their front row seats.

"Prison life isn't for me," I wallow as I press myself against the bars of the holding cell. There are two other women in the cell with me and they both snigger. One of their names is Lucia, and she has bronze skin and brown hair so dark that it almost looks black with gold hoop earrings the size of my head, I don't know the other woman's name but she looks significantly older and has stringy blonde hair, the wrinkles of her face drooping.

"Honey, this isn't prison, you'll live another hour," Lucia sits on the uncomfortable bench, her arms crossed, she's kind of hot to be blunt.

"You reek of liquor though," Blondie cackles and I catch a glimpse of her rotting yellow teeth, what's the opposite of pearly whites? Golden nuggets? Something like that.

"Because I got wine spilled on me," I retort. I had been crying before they even placed me in the cell, wailing so loud that I was annoying the officers. I was so upset and starved for affection that I hugged the officer who detained me, babbling incoherently about how my life was ruined, I don’t even blame them for arresting me, I looked like a crackhead trying to break into a nice suburban home. “I'm not drunk."

"Could've fooled me," Lucia smirks, she's wearing a black tank top and skinny jeans. I wasn't a fan of skinny jeans but she was converting me.

I fell asleep hugging myself on one of the uncomfortable metal benches with chipped blue paint, when I woke up, it was Christmas, even though it didn't feel like it. I saw the snowfall outside of the windows on the other side of the cells. Lucia had told me just before she was released that they had the right to hold you longer over holidays, I wanted to weep all over again.

Blondie got removed from the cell too and I was all alone. The only thing that kept me sane was pretending I was Katniss or Lucy Gray, if they had survived the Hunger Games, I could survive this. I genuinely thought my life was over and I was getting sent to prison for hammering on my dad's door and screaming.

With each hour that ticked by, my profound sense of loneliness only grew. The sounds of distant laughter flitted through the hall and I am reminded of the world that lies beyond the metal bars. I wonder what my family is doing at this moment, every voice that I hear acts as a reminder of the love I had jeopardized. I lost Ellie, I lost Conner, and now I had lost my family.

I think about praying to god for a moment though I discard the thought. If he was real why did he let that happen to me? Maybe forgiveness and redemption were not necessary.

"Crybaby, call someone to pick you up," Officer Reid who initially arrested me and interrogated me began to unlock the cell, "Charges are dismissed." He had been calling me Crybaby since I was stuffed in the back of the police car and wailing uncontrollably.

"Like for real?"

He was in fact, for real. I was brought to a landline phone and my hands acted faster than my head, dialling the number of someone I would trust with my life, I just prayed that the number hadn't changed.

After making my call I was told to go to a weird booth thing to collect my effects, where an old and very judgmental woman dumped my few belongings out of an envelope. I wish I knew the technical names for this stuff but it's not like I've been arrested before this one off occasion. She looked at each of the items, stating what it was while she took inventory of it. "Smartphone, lipgloss, a single gold earring, and a cross necklace," She marks something down and then turns the paper around and holds out a blue pen for me to take "Sign here."

My phone had died already, I was missing an earring, and the cross had failed me, all I had left to rely on was my cover girl lipgloss. I sat in that stark grey room for what seemed like hours, everyone seemed miserable as I am, at least I wasn't the only person having a not-so-merry Christmas.

Holy shit, I was still disgusting. I was sticky and freezing, still in the wine-ruined white dress, there was still dried blood on my face despite my pestering Lucia to help me get it off. My hair is tangled, the bow that my sister had tied in lost somewhere in the snow. I haven't looked in a mirror but I know I look rough from the side glances that everyone is casting me. I can't imagine the dark bags beneath my red, puffy eyes to be any sort of appealing.

The sterile waiting room is beginning to get on my nerves, I flinch at every movement and hold onto hope that every person walking through the door is the person I'm waiting on. I try my best to avert my eyes from the clock so time doesn't drag on any longer than it already is.

By the time Joel gets here, the sun is beginning to set, his eyes frantically search the room until they land on me, I'm already standing up and walking toward him. "Kiddo, are you okay?"

My lip quivers and it feels like every awful thing I've ever felt is going to seep through my teeth. My head falls onto his chest but this time I don't cry, I think I've run out of tears "I have nothing ahead of me."

Joel doesn't ask questions, he just hugs me in return, resting his chin on the top of my head, there is the comfort I had been so desperately searching for.

He signs release papers and he guides me to his red Ford Explorer. When I called him I asked him to bring me shoes as I was barefoot when I was detained, being the number one dad that he was, he brought a reusable grocery store tote bag, containing a hoodie, sneakers, fuzzy socks, sweatpants and a bag of my favourite chips. I slip the sweats on underneath my dress while the hoodie goes overtop, I awkwardly unzip it and shimmy it off, stuffing it into the tote bag.

The drive back to his house begins and he turns on the radio, trying to make lighthearted chatter "Thanks for coming to get me," I say, my voice is quiet and I pull my knees to my chest like as I tend to do when I get nervous "You can just drop me off at my car and I'll be out of your way."

"Sorry, kiddo," He says, eyes focused on the road "You're staying with me tonight, I don't want you driving these roads in the dark and it'll be good for you to have a hot shower and a warm meal, get some sleep somewhere that's not a holding cell."

"It's just that-

"If you still want to leave in the morning that's up to you but you shouldn't end your Christmas alone," Each word seems so genuine "And you know I would gladly have you stay with me three hundred and sixty-five days a year."

I look at him, a soft melancholic smile on my face, "Thank you," I say.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

A sigh falls from my lips "What happened to all of my stuff that was left on the lawn?"

"Tommy and Ellie brought it all inside."

Ellie brought it back inside? Did she actually give a shit or was this something her dad ordered her to do? "Did my dad say anything to you?"

Joel shakes his head "Maria went barging on his door, those two were in a screaming match for a good two minutes before he locked the door on her. Hasn't been outside since, everyone in the neighbourhood has been coming by to ask what happened."

"Even Sharron?" I ask Joel, wrinkling my nose in distaste.

"Even Sharron," He solidifies. Sharron was the grouchy crone of the street, shutting down every party, cussing out teenagers from her porch, and yelling at barking dogs "She said she was worried about you." The windshield wipers painted rhythmic patterns across the glass, clearing a path through the soft snow that continued to fall.

"She's not worried about me, she's worried I'm on drugs and I'll break into her musty home to steal all of her hummels."

Joel huffs a laugh "I can't believe that I used to let her babysit you and Ellie."

"Me neither, you should be paying for my therapy." I tease.

He chuckles at my words, "So you're majoring in wildlife biology?"

"You remembered what I wanted to major in?"

"Of course I did."

"Hey, Mookie!" Tommy wraps his arms around me the moment I set foot in the door. He's called me Mookie since I was a little girl, it started when I couldn't pronounce monkey and thus Mookie was born. "Let me get a good look at you," He pushes me back just the slightest hands clasped on my shoulders "Look at that bruise you've got on your cheek, looking awful tough, like those greasers you used to read about."

"Look at that, Mookie grew up," Maria greets me with a warm smile, pushing Tommy away to hug me "Good to see you made it through prison alive," She jests.

Joel's house is exactly how it was when I left.

The air carried the familiar scent of firewood and lavender incense. In the living room, an inviting fireplace stood as the heart of the home. Its gentle crackle and the dancing flames provided a soothing backdrop to the overstuffed couches adorned with cozy blankets and throw pillows, worn from years of shared family movie nights. A well-loved rug covered the wooden floor, its pattern a mosaic of memories and spills easily forgiven and of course, a coffee table hand-crafted by Joel and intricately carved.

The shelves lining the walls were a treasure trove of family history. Photographs in mismatched frames captured smiling faces frozen in time, chronicling the evolution of Ellie through the years. A collection of well-read books, their spines creased and pages worn, stood proudly, offering a glimpse into the literary adventures that had unfolded within those walls.

The kitchen, the heart of many childhood homes, held the lingering aroma of Christmas dinner. The countertops, scarred from countless meals prepared and shared, were a testament to the love that had gone into creating family dinners. A worn wooden table in the center of the room bore witness to the countless conversations, celebrations, and moments of solace shared over shared meals.

"You know what, when I was around your age, I spent my fair share of time in the cooler, good to see you're taking after me," Tommy winks and gives me a hard pat on the back. Neither of them acknowledges the reason behind last night's events and somehow it feels worse than talking about it.

"We've just finished up making dinner, I'm sure you're hungry," Maria smiles softly, taking my hand into her calloused one.

"Yeah, I'm starving," I smile in return and trail behind the blonde woman to the dining table.

All of the plates are laid out with portions of food on each one, Ellie is sitting alone, spooning mashed potato into her mouth while she texts someone, she glances up at me and offers nothing more than a tight-lipped smile and awkward wave before going back to her phone. Tommy comes by with a tray of garlic butter rolls and uses tongs to add more onto my plate "Don't think I've forgotten how much you love these."

I grin up at him, I'm sitting in the same chair I sat in all those years ago when I Ellie and I would settle down after spending all day in the sun, Joel would ask us what we wanted for dinner and almost every time we would shout hotdogs.

"Good to have you back," Joel nods to me "House always felt a little empty without you."

I always felt a little empty without this house "Good to be back," I smear some mashed potato onto Tommy's famous garlic butter bread rolls.

I feel almost sick with nostalgia as I look around the dining room, Joel still had Ellie's crafts from elementary school hung up and if you look closely, you find little clues that I've left behind; proof that I once existed as a girl beneath this roof. There's a dent in the wall from the time I stood on my chair to catch a spider and accidentally fell over, my head hitting right into the wall, Ellie was laughing too hard to help me.

"So what school do you go to?" Maria asks me, washing down her pot roast with some ice water.

"Northridge actually," At my words, Ellie's head perks up, she's looking dead at me with a look of fear in her eyes.

"Oh, Ellie goes there!" Tommy smiles "She never mentioned that you do too."

Ellie is silently pleading with me, I know she doesn't want me to tell her family that she's been borderline tormenting me as my roommate and sending me to bed with tears in my eyes. I didn't plan on telling them anyway "That's funny, I guess we just keep missing each other."

Joel set up an air mattress in Ellie's room, that's when it became clear to me that he had no idea just how bad the fallout was between us. I hate to say that I missed her room and all of the memories we shared in it.

Ellie's bedroom resembled something of a teen guy who'd never gotten laid before. She had a navy comforter, her shelves were lined with comics and novels, I know for a fact that she'd read every single one of them. Her desk was always a mess, covered in pages of poetry and sketches that she had torn out from her journal. Almost every inch of her walls is covered in posters of bands, movies and her nerdy video games.

I was fresh out of the shower, finally in my clean clothes that I had dug out of my suitcase. I got to charge my phone too, there was an overwhelming number of messages.

D-Manz: HAPPY CHRISTMAS BITCH!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU AND CAN'T WAIT TO PARTY WHEN WE GET BACK

Jesse: Merry Christmas, hope your day isn’t shit! 😁😁😁

Riley: Merry Christmas! Hope you're having fun at your new school!

Abs: Merry Christmas and stay safe!

Kayla: Missing you girl ☹️ so excited for that staff party!

Kit-Cat: Merry Christmas, don't have too much fun without me

Yara: Merry Christmas ❤️ this probably isn't the time but I was hoping you could send over your notes from the last conservation lecture, just wanna text you before I forget!

566-460-4374: I got your number from Kyle, this is Roderick, I saw you last night and wanted to check up on you, hope everything is okay and merry Christmas.

Lindsey: Hey, haven't talked to you in a while but my parents said some stuff went down, just wanna make sure you're okay.

Ellie: Lmk if you need a ride back to our place

Ellie: Don't know if you can even see this but I got all of your stuff off the lawn, I promise it's safe 👍

Naomi: I'm so sorry

Naomi: I didn't think that would happen

Naomi: I didn't know what to do

Naomi: I love you

Aaron: U good?

Naomi: Please don't hate me, I'm sorry I didn't do anything

Elijah: Sorry but I wish you didn't tell Dad that

Naomi: I'll try to talk to Dad

Elijah: Hope you're safe

Elijah: Call me when you can

Still, there wasn't any word from either of my parents. I replied returning well wishes and assuring everyone that I was okay, I turned my phone onto Do Not Disturb and began to watch the Hunger Games on my phone. The room would've been pitch black if it wasn't for the blue light from my screen and the gentle beams of moonlight gliding through the window.

Ellie walks into the room after she finishes with her shower, she's in sweatpants and an old hoodie that she got from a rodeo, I had the same one, and we bought them together. I glance up at her before looking back at my movie and pulling the quilt further up my body. "You still like the Hunger Games?"

"Yeah," I say, being as brief as possible.

"You should take my bed and I'll sleep on the air mattress," Ellie says while she ties her hair into a low ponytail.

"I'm fine here, thanks."

"Seriously," Ellie is standing awkwardly at the foot of her bed, waiting for me to do something.

I shut my phone off and turned on my other side to face away from her "Just go to bed."

Ellie runs her hands down her face in frustration, she's starting to feel like an asshole "Please take the bed, it's the least I can do." I ignore her so she speaks again "I am begging you," She tells me bluntly "I feel like a dick and it would make me feel better if you just took the bed."

"You are a dick," I answer, she should've seen this response coming from a mile away.

"Please take the bed."

I sit up to look at her, frustration now boiling up inside of me "You're going to be nice now because you feel bad for me?"

"That's not why-

"It is actually," I tell her "This will last for a few days and then we'll go home and you'll be a cunt all over again, fucking keeping a list of everything I lay a finger on so you can say it's my fault if it breaks." She bites the inside of her cheek, that's her tell. Every time she does that I can tell that I've gotten under her skin. "You'll still act like you don't know me and I'm just some weird girl who thinks the world of you, I know what you say to those girls you have over, the walls aren't that thick." My insides ache from all of the screaming and crying of the past couple of days "And I know that I hurt you and I've told you a million times over that I'm sorry, you don't get to start having empathy for me now."

Ellie's silent again, she can't seem to find the words, so instead she slips under the covers of her bed, giving up. Minutes pass us, we've slept in this room together a thousand times but this time it's different, we don't share her queen bed and stay up all night watching the walking dead and talking shit about people at our school, we lay in the uncomfortable silence. We're grown but in this moment I still feel like a child searching for her mother's hand to guide her, I feel like my teeth still need to fall out so brighter, stronger ones can take their place, that the baby fat has yet to shed from my bones.

"I didn't know that you liked girls," Ellie said, breaking the silence "And I shouldn't have assumed that stuff about your parents." I don't respond to her, though she knows that I heard her. "I lied that night when you moved in."

"What?"

"I got all bitchy and said that you don't even cross my mind, I was lying," She's confessing to me as if I'm a priest "There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think about you."

I'm not doing well.

I want nothing more than to crawl into bed next to Ellie and just hug her until I fall asleep but the resentment I've garnered for her these past months refrains me.

"I don't know if you ever knew this, but back in high school I had a bit of a crush on you," She says and my break hitches in my throat "Hey, you there?"

'I don't know if you ever knew this but I turned myself inside out trying not to be in love with you.' I don't say that, instead, I say "Goodnight, Ellie, Merry Christmas."

"Goodnight," She mutters, and like me, she turns her body to face away from me.

I don't feel mature in the slightest, I'm kept awake, haunted by shame and embarrassment. Ellie had seen me only one night prior, on my knees begging for love. We may be cold and calculated to one another now but I remember when she was a little girl who overwatered her plants because she didn't know how to stop giving.

TAG LIST I just tagged whoever wanted a part two: @elliesaesp @yalaysbee @laundrybag29 @readbydayana @elliesaturnsoftdrink @mikellie @melanie-watermelon @skylerwhitwyo

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rthko · 3 months

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Hi :) I read The Tragedy of Heterosexuality and loved it — do you have any other books you’d recommend about gender/sexuality? Thanks <3 I love reading your long posts, you have really insightful ideas and I think we view the world very similarly

Glad to hear that! Here's some context for anyone not in the loop: The Tragedy of Heterosexuality is a book about Heteropessimism, or rather, finding a way out of it. The notion is that heterosexual love is doomed because men and women are just different by nature, and it manifests through relationship self-help books, incels and pickup artists, and the memes and ramblings of countless straight women who they wish they could just be lesbians. Jane Ward think heterosexuality as we know it self sabotages through what she calls the misogyny paradox: straight men love women, except they don't love women. But she doesn't think heterosexuality is doomed or prop up political lesbianism as a solution. She calls for mutual respect and actually leaning into the heterosexuality of, well, actually liking each other, rather than try to "queer" it. This is part of a really interesting turn in queer theory where heterosexuality has emerged as a subject of study--another good example is Hanne Blank's Straight: The Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality.

So I want to start out by disclaiming I'm not actually that well read. This is something I've been trying to work on more recently. That said, here are some gender and sexuality recs:

Two essays by Gayle Rubin: The Traffic in Women and Thinking Sex. I don't completely cosign everything she says, but these are monumental texts. Thinking Sex is topical especially as the "sex wars" keep playing out.

Gender Trouble by Judith Butler. Everyone's heard of this, so my specific recommendation is to skip to part three and the conclusion, where the text is at its most concise. Butler's theory of gender performativity has exploded beyond their initial reach, so they've since had a lot of interviews and given talks that address a wider audience. People who have read both Gender Trouble and Bodies that Matter tend to recommend the latter text, but I still need to.

The Trouble with Normal by Michael Warner, or if you want a shorter version, his essay "Normaler and Normaler." Even if you're not against marriage in its entirety, his criticisms are so incisive and helpful, especially now in countries where gay marriage was passed but proved to be a dead end. It also really gets into gayness as identity versus behavior, which seems to have exploded into a huge conflict recently. This is how you get people who are on board with queerness in the abstract but appalled by its real-life specifics. I also still need to read Fear of a Queer Planet.

Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde, is a collection of speeches and essays by one of the most influential Black feminist writers. "Uses of the Erotic" especially stuck with me, where the erotic is taken not so literally but as a sort of creative synergy with political implications. If you've ever heard "the master's tools will not dismantle the masters house," that's included in this collection.

Close to the Knives by David Wojnarowicz, also a collection of speeches and essays, is one of my favorite books on AIDS. The rage is palpable and crucial, and the essay "Do Not Doubt the Dangerousness of the 12-inch Politician" is eerily resonant today as politicians still stoke violence on TV (and now social media).

Lately I've been getting more into trans writing, with Transgender History by Susan Stryker and Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. The former alarmed me with how much I didn't know, and the latter blew my mind. It was written at a time when trans people, for better and for worse, weren't really in the public eye except for in niche circles, and academia about trans people was about or at the expense of them but not by and for them. Her mark is so tangible today. My next read will be Reverse Cowgirl by McKenzie Wark after hearing rave reviews. I think I'm going to like it.

I am also accepting recs!

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celluloidbroomcloset · 7 months

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A good bit has been made of Ed saying that "last night was a mistake" and I get the sense that a lot of people are interpreting things through a lens that he means they shouldn't have slept together, they should have waited, Stede was pushing things too far too fast, etc. So I want to go into some detail on why I don't agree with that, and what I think is happening in the aftermath of Calypso's Birthday, as well as in the love scene itself.

(This is kinda long, because I am not witty and cannot be brief. These are just my thoughts, so of course I'm not trying to tell anyone how to understand what happens in these scenes.)

Them having sex and what happens after is very much related to the things that they've both gone through, and especially Ed's fears and trauma after his depressive spiral. When we first meet Ed in Season 1, he's already borderline suicidal. Stede gives him a new view of life by showing him things that he's never seen before, and emotions he's never experienced before. He falls in love and anchors himself to Stede. Then his anchor breaks and lets him float off. He's alone and heartbroken and quite literally goes insane with grief and self-loathing (spurred on by Izzy) on a ship filled with people and things that keep reminding him of how he wasn't enough.

In Season 2, he knows that if he goes back to being Blackbeard, again, after everything, he might very well never be able to come back. He's still terrified of Stede abandoning him, and I think the fact that he did consent to the sex, that he did want to have sex, that he did feel loved and desired and happy, is a huge part of that. He says it was a mistake because he wanted it so much and got exactly what he wanted and is afraid that, again, he's going to lose the person who made him feel like he was enough. So he's doing exactly what Stede says he's doing - panicking and trying to run this time, so that he's not the one who gets hurt again. That's not the same as truly regretting the night before; it actually says that them sleeping together meant so much that it's frightened him because now he stands to lose even more. (If losing Stede once ripped him apart, after they had just barely kissed and admitted they care for each other, what would losing Stede now do to him?)

Should they have waited? Doesn't really matter. They didn't. Are they overwhelmed with emotion? Well, yeah. There have been other posts floating around discussing the relationship between sex and death and the concept of funeral sex, which are quite accurate IMO.

But...I'd say the moment when Stede first grabs Ed at the door is the "overwhelmed with emotion" part. Remember that Stede has killed before, accidentally, and is absolutely wracked with guilt by it. The guilt is also associated with Ed and with his masculinity/sexuality - "you defile beautiful things" - and Ned's words earlier poked those wounds. The last thing that Ed said to Stede before he killed Ned was not to do it because "you can't come back from that." So Stede does what he did before - he runs and hides. But he's not alone anymore. Ed shows up. He's not angry, he's not rejecting Stede or lecturing Stede; nothing has fundamentally changed in their relationship because Stede killed Ned. He's there to say, "Hey, it's OK, it's hard, I know, I've been there." Stede is overwhelmed with emotion - guilt at what he's done and all its associations with his past, fear that he's ruined something in his relationship (defiled a beautiful thing), uncertainty about what this means about him as a person. And there's Ed, standing there and saying "Are you OK?" Nothing has been defiled.

It's not Ed who crosses the threshold - maybe Stede needs his space and really doesn't need his sympathy right now, so he waits there and doesn't invade the space - but Stede who grabs him and drags him across. That's the impulsive moment, not the sex. Ed is surprised by it, as we can see on his face, and Stede is in pain and almost crying. He seems incapable of speech at that moment, which says a lot about his state of mind since this is a man who cannot shut up. He's not behaving rationally or thinking things through deliberately; he's coming apart and Ed's there and Ed holds him together.

Now, the next cut could've been to Stede throwing Ed down on the bed or kissing him aggressively (as, indeed, has happened in plenty of shows and films with these kinds of scenes). But that's not what happens. The next cut is to the end of the impulsive moment, Stede backing Ed up against the wall. Then there's a pause. Both of them are recalibrating. Stede in fact keeps his distance (wish we could actually see their expressions up close), and he waits. He's done something he likely shouldn't have in grabbing Ed; he's stopping himself from doing anything else he shouldn't. He's making a choice and it's an important one, just like when he stopped the kiss when Ed told him to, when he stopped saying "I love you" because Ed couldn't hear it, or when he asked if it was OK to hold Ed's hand. He didn't do anything wrong in being impulsive, and he's waiting for his partner to help him know what to do next.

Could Ed say no at that point? Yes, absolutely, and we know from the moonlight scene that Stede would not try to go farther. Would Ed say no at that point, with the knowledge of how much this man needs him? Yes, I think he would. I don't think this is a case of Ed going "well, he needs this, so I'll sleep with him." That interpretation I think undermines Ed's autonomy and misunderstands his character - he's not going to do something that he doesn't want to, not even for Stede, and he's not going to damage their relationship by having their first time be a result of pity or sympathy. It's going to be about mutual desire, or it's not going to happen at all.

That pause is where they look at each other (again, wish we could see expressions better) and Ed nods. And even then, when Stede leans in to kiss him, it's not Stede who increases the intensity. I think we could even read this as Stede not consciously planning for the kiss to lead to sex. It's Ed who grabs Stede, pulls him up against him, lets his body support Stede's, who's practically collapsing. It's Ed who snatches Stede's waist and wraps his arm around his shoulders and caresses his neck.

I think it's really important that Ed is the one who ups the intensity. His actions are pretty much the definition of enthusiastic consent. That's needed for the scene, just like all the other scenes where Stede stops when Ed tells him to. It's Ed who wanted to take it slow and so now his choice to go ahead is necessary. There's no indication that this is rushed or only a result of passion and pain.

The next scene, Stede is closing the curtains, and he's shirtless, but Ed is still mostly dressed (and no, that is not the face of a man having second thoughts or being pressured into sex. That's the face of a man who's so in love he can't see anything but fireworks). What's happening is very deliberate on both their parts, and the entire scene is a culmination of their desires and - very importantly - their love for each other. It's not Stede needing comfort or validation and Ed rewarding him with sex. It's them both needing, wanting, and loving each other.

It's really tempting to make this all more angst-y than it is, especially with Ed's later "last night was a mistake!" But once more, this silly gay pirate show gets at something that a lot of less silly films and TV shows don't - that human relationships are messy and complex, and messiness and complexity are not inherently Problematic. Just human.

Tl;dr: seems like neither of them regretted having sex, and not just because it was definitely good sex.

#ofmd season 2 #ofmd s2 #ofmd spoilers #ofmd meta #stede bonnet #ed teach #blackbonnet #gentlebeard #yes i have feelings about the silly gay pirate show #and must write essays about them #our flag means death

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greghatecrimes · 1 month

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Okay. Buckle up babes, it's finally Foreteen time and I wrote an essay.

Foreman and Thirteen are so interesting to me in so many ways. You have Foreman, who thrives off of control, and Thirteen, who refuses to be controlled in almost every aspect of her life. In the sense of them as individual people, they both have a lot of their own issues going on. Hot messes, the two of them. But in the sense of them as a couple, I think Foreman specifically is the only one who has issues with the relationship. (Or rather, Thirteen's issues aren't being projected onto the relationship and causing difficulties at the end of s5/beginning of s6, while Foreman's are.)

Foreman's biggest thing, at least in the latter part of their relationship, is control in regards to emotions. After they found Kutner, he coped with everything by isolating himself. A huge part of me thinks that's because this terrible thing just happened, the floor just fell out from both of them in so many ways, and Foreman feels like he doesn't have a grip on anything anymore. The only thing he can control is himself, and how he reacts. So Thirteen? Even though she's his girlfriend and he's worked with her for two years, her emotions and reactions are fundamentally beyond the scope of his control; she's still a wild card. She's not safe. So instead of letting himself lean on Thirteen, letting them grieve together, letting them comfort each other, for his own stability, Foreman chooses to cope (and thus reject Thirteen when she reaches out for support) by retreating into an environment that he's intimately familiar with. He surrounds himself with only variables that he can confidently predict. It's his gut instinct. It's always worked before, so why wouldn't it work this time? Why would it have any reason to cause problems?

In season four and the first half of season five, Thirteen was very much the same way. When things became too overwhelming for her, she repeatedly dealt with them by running, by hiding; by trying to isolate herself from the people who care about her and want to help her. The same base principle drives them both at this point: "what's out of my control is dangerous in some way or another. The only one who's safe to be around is myself, because I am the only person that I can control." But by mid season five, Thirteen has come a long way from that. Slowly she's becoming much more of a "recovering control freak". She's starting to be okay with the fact that she's not always going to have the amount of control that she has right now. She knows that all of it is something she has to come to terms with, and slowly she's getting to a point where she's accepting her diagnosis and working on all the baggage that comes with it.

Thinking about that– the fact that, by mid season five, Thirteen is approaching a point in her life of letting go, of learning to 'go with the flow'; while Foreman is very much still on the side of "I thrive and keep myself safe by controlling every aspect of my life possible"– makes them fundamentally incompatible as a couple from the get-go, even with all of the chemistry they had. Because the moment they get together (the Christmas party in 5x10 "Joy to the World") is right after Thirteen's decided that she doesn't want to die; when she's just starting to process her diagnosis instead of running from it.

Do I think there was/is love there? Yes. They absolutely care about each other, both during and after the relationship.

Do I think they would have worked out long term? The simple answer is "no".

The more complicated answer is that if they had been able to avoid the fiasco of Foreman running the department and then firing Thirteen after House quit, I think they could have made it work. But it would have been rocky, and it would have been especially rough for Foreman. Extremely so if it were to reach a point where they've stayed together for years and years, and Foreman is with Thirteen when she really starts to decline with her Huntington's.

Foreman is Thirteen's friend; he's also seen people slowly wither away from degenerative disease (his mother, with Alzheimer's), and he's a neurologist (and so he knows exactly how she'll decline, down to every last detail). All of those things give him greater emotional stakes in her Huntington's diagnosis beyond what's typical. But specifically in the situation of them facing this as a couple, you have this level of involvement where Foreman– someone who needs a high amount of control to function on a fairly basic level– is in an incredibly intimate relationship with Thirteen, whose entire life is inevitably and actively slipping out of her control. And in that scenario... I think that when the decline does start happening, it would absolutely terrify Foreman. To be the one that's by her side as a partner– seeing all of it firsthand, the pain and grief and sickness? And as her significant other, being the one that would potentially become a medical proxy when she's too sick to advocate for herself, faced with the possibility of making life or death decisions (like whether or not to euthanize the woman he loves)? I think that would have the potential to utterly destroy him.

As a friend, though? ("Ex-partners who have gotten back to a shaky friendship after the breakup, and still care about each other deeply", but "friends" for short.) The entire situation completely changes. I firmly believe that post-canon, if Foreman knows House offered to kill Thirteen before he "died", he would offer to kill her in House's stead in a heartbeat (just like I think Chase does). THAT sort of involvement with Thirteen's decline and care is far less terrifying, because now this is not the decline of someone that he's based his entire future on. This is not someone he's given half of his heart to; this is not someone he's built an entire life with and entwined himself so thoroughly with.

With the way things work out in canon, they're still friends, and they still care about each other; but at the end of the day, they're two separate people with two separate lives, two separate futures. And so Foreman doesn't lose a single ounce of his control as Thirteen's is slowly taken from her, bit by bit. Witnessing that is still a pain that is unimaginable. But for him, it's survivable. And that's the key difference (and why I ship Foreteen during season five and season six, but not post canon).

#this has been sitting as a bunch of voice memos in me and Bee's discord convos for MONTHS and i'm so happy to finally write it out #doomed yuri vibes and i can make another post to elaborate on that at some point #i love them a lot even when they hurt me #house md #hate crimes md #hatecrimes md #remy thirteen hadley #eric foreman #remy hadley #foreteen #my meta #meta

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angrypizzaflowercolor · 2 months

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Kara let out a huge sigh of relief as she finally landed on the balcony of their penthouse. It was quite late so the kids should be in bed already. Or so she thought.

She walked into the living room with a smile on her face as she saw her 3 year old daughter, Alexis, floating upside down and Lena reading a book, occasionally turning to look at their daughter.

"What's going on here?" Kara asked.

As soon as Alexis caught sight of her, she immediately flew to Kara, almost knocking her wind out. "Ieiu." The girl exclaimed

"Hey munchkin. Why are you not in bed? You giving mommy a hard time?"

Alexis flew in circles around Kara. "I not tired."

Kara immediately knew that they were in for a long night. Alexis was their wild child since birth. A little girl full of energy at all times.

"Can I have a moment with your mommy real quick?" Kara asked, catching her daughter and kissing her cheeks. "Is that okay with you."

"Okay." Alexis stated simply, rocketing to her bedroom

Kara cringed. "Probably should have asked her to walk.

"Would she have listened though." Lena chuckled. "Come here." She smiled.

"Hi babe." Kara said softly as she walked towards Lena. Lena got up and Kara pulled her into a kiss. "Do you know how long I've been thinking about kissing you." Kara chuckled.

"We did have quite a day at the tower. Didn't really get time alone. Plus, I had a whole lot of things to sort out with the foundation."

"And I had supergirl and Catco all day." Kara sighed, resting her forehead against Lena's. "Can't we just quit? Take the kids, move to Argo. Have a peaceful life there."

Lena pulled Kara in for another kiss, deeper this time. "Your day could not have been that bad." She chuckled

Kara kissed Lena's cheek then made her way past her to the kitchen. "No, it wasn't, but I miss you and the kids. Gabs and Nixon wake up after I've already left. When I come home they're in bed, and even though the twins are at the tower with us, I never really get to spend time with them because Supergirl has been very busy lately, and you...my lovely wife. We basicsply need to sneak in makeout sessions when no one is looking."

Lena giggled at the last part. "You make a fair point."

"So we can move to Argo?" Kara asked hopefully.

Of course she knew they wouldn't. Their family was on earth. All the people they cared about. Ontop of that, they've worked really hard to get where they are. This was their home, and it was the only home their kids knew.

"No. But... if you want...we can do other things." Lena smirked

"Oh." Kara said with a raised eyebrow. "Like what?"

She started to make her way closer to Lena, pulling her closer by the waist once she got to her. She kissed Lena's neck and she felt Lena put hand in her hair and lightly scratch at her scalp.

Just as Kara was starting to feel better about her day, she heard crying coming from Raven's room.

Lena sighed with a little giggle. "Now both the twins are up."

"Yeah. I'll wrangle the wild one, while you check on Ray Ray. It's probably a nightmare."

Kara kissed Lena one more time.

Lena was the only one who could calm Raven down when she had nightmares, which unfortunately she had often. So Kara went looking for Alexis, who clearly was trying to play a game of hide and seek. Kara listened for her heartbeat and went to get her.

"Got you." She said once she caught her daughter.

"You cheat." Alexis stated with crossed arms and a pout that resembled her own.

"How." Kara chuckled picking the young girl up.

"Super hearing." She said trying to wiggle out of Kara's arms, but giggling as Kara tickled her. "Ieiu stop."

"Okay." Kara said flipping her daughter up side down and carrying her to her room by her feet.

They got into the room and Kara put the girl into bed. They talked for almost an hour before the little girl finally gave in to sleep.

Kara made her way to Raven's room, where Lena sat sniffling, rubbing tears from her eyes.

"Babe." Kara whispered as she motioned for her to come to her.

Lena got up, kissing their daughter on the cheek, making sure she was tucked in properly before walking out of the room and closing the door.

Kara immediately pulled Lena into her arms.

"I just fucking hate that we can't do anything about these fucking nightmares she keeps getting." Lena sobbed in frustration.

Kara started to feel tears prick at her own eyes. Raven had always had awful nightmares. They traumatized her and caused some struggles in her everyday life. She lived in fear.

They tried speaking to specialists but they couldn't quite pin point what the problem was. So everytime she had a nightmare, all they could do is have Lena go in to sit with her until she falls asleep.

Kara led Lena towards their bedroom and the two sat down. Lena laid her head on Kara's shoulder. "I missed you." Lena whispered.

"Ditto."

"Bitch." Lena exclaimed lifting her head from Kara's shoulder and punching her.

"What." Kara chuckled.

"Ditto? Really?"

"Sorry." Kara shrugged

"...say it." Lena said with squinted eyes.

"What?" Kara smiled

"Say...it."

"Say what?"

Lena pushed Kara down into the bed and straddled her waist. "Tell me you missed me." She giggled

"I actually had such a peaceful few hours without you."

"Kara Zorel-Walsh...say it." Lena said as she hovered over Kara, their lips inches apart.

"Mom?" Came a voice.

Lena quickly jumped off Kara and straightened herself out, Kara doing the same.

"Come in." Kara said

Nixon walked in with a concerned expression on his face

"Hey, what's wrong baby?" Lena asked.

Nixon walked into the room and stood in front of them. "I heard you crying." He said softly

Lena sighed. "I forgot to turn on the power dampeners. Sorry darling."

"Don't apologize mom. Are you okay? Is LJ okay?"

"Yes. I'm fine. Raven is fine. You just know how I get sometimes." Lena reassured taking her son's hand. "I promise, I'm fine." She said after seeing that the expression hadn't left his face.

He smiled as her turned to look over at Kara. "Hey ieiu." He gave Kara a tight hug and she made sure to hold him tight.

"I'm here for mom and LJ, bubba, okay. Don't you worry too much."

"Okay." He smiled. "I love you moms."

"We love you too darling. Now go get some rest okay."

Nixon left the room and Kara and Lena fell back onto the bed. "Maybe we should quit our jobs." Lena chuckled. "Being moms is already a full time job, and ontop of that, I'm running L-Corp, the foundation and fight crime, and you fight crime and have to manage Catco."

"Yep. Lots to do and not much time to do it."

They sat in silence for a bit before Kara looked at the time. "Hey, I'm gonna go and take a shower. Do you wanna join me."

Lena smiled. "Absolutely."

"C'mon." She chuckled, pulling Lena up.

Kara pulled Lena into a kiss and she started backing into the bathroom, not breaking the kiss and slowly pulling off their clothes.

They heard a door open. "For fucks sake. Why did we have so many kids." Lena sighed

"I can hear you." Gabriella called out as she came down the passage.

"The power dampeners." Kara groaned.

They walked out of their bathroom, into the bedroom where their eldest daughter stood, arms crossed over her chest.

"Sorry angel." Lena smiled. "You know we love you all."

Gabriella rolled her eyes but smiled. "Alexis is gonna sleep in my room tonight."

"She woke up again?" Kara asked in disbelief

"Yep. She's in my room playing with some of her toys."

Lena took a deep breath. "We'll take her to bed now."

"It's fine." Gabriella said. "I'm gonna be up for a while anyways. I'm working on some stuff for the foundation."

"New ideas?" Lena asked

"Yep. I'll show them to you tomorrow when you have time."

"I'll make time." Lena smiled

"Okay, well, that's all I wanted to tell you. Goodnight."

"Goodnight fruit loop." Kara called out.

Lena used the switch in their room that turned on the dampeners for the whole penthouse. Then walked to Kara again. "Surely there can't be more they need from us." She laughed

"I hope not." Kara chuckled. "But with them, you never know."

"Well...for now. Let's take the time we have and make good use of it."

"Get some sleep?"

"Exactly." Lena smiled. "Now, let's go shower so that I can get into my PJs and sleep." Lena groaned

Kara followed behind her. So much for other things

Firstly, I need someone who can write smut for me please😭 I can't do it, and I have stories that are basically ready to be put out, but I want to add smut, but can't write it. So if anybody wants to do that. Just send me a message

Anywaaaaaays. Wrote this real quick because I just wanted to post something. This is kind of an introduction to the Zorel-Walsh kids because I will be writing more stories with them in it. And it just shows some of how Kara and Lena handle thing with their family

#supercorp #domestic fluff #fluff #supergirl #kara x lena #kara danvers #kara zor el #lena luthor #kid fic #wlw #ao3

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osakanone · 20 days

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UPDATE: The Destiel/Supernats aren't taking this well -- explaining my reasoning for the history I gave, and why Destiel is not the big bitch of shipping that it thinks it is

An update to THIS:

"This is just a marketing thing, Gundam is a giant robot show, only men watch it!"

Gundam's fandom is silent majoratively feminine:

"But its not gay, its about giant robots!"

Gundam is very gay. The entire climax of the first story is a riff of Yukio Mishima lmao

The climax of the Amuro/Char arc of Universal Century Gundam (expounding from first Gundam circa 1979), Char's Counterattack is somewhat on the history of Japanese disillusion with liberalism which notably climaxed with the life and history of Yukio Mishima.

You know. THAT Yukio Mishima.

The one who wrote FORBIDDEN COLOURS.

It was so gay that the fanfiction inspired by it became its own damn anime:

And that's just Charmuro, let alone Charma or a billion other ships just in OG Gundam alone.

We've got This is before we get to Guin Sard Lineford and Yamagi Glimerton (both verrrrry gay), Tieria Erde (a genderqueer trans-coded character who transcends gender entirely in their arc) and a bunch of others.

Gundam was always gay.

"I don't see the numbers"

"That doesn't seem like much, Supernat is at least 2x this"

Sooooo the amount of content you do see isn't representative of how much even got written, given FFN had a huge content purge.

First, let's start with the relative proportion of users: If we're analysing the concept of fandom, we first have to look at who had access to the internet in the first place to publish works.

Yeah that's a pretty sizable difference.

Wing's fandom actually exploded in 2000, but got capped VERY early, distributing itself to fansites when FFN fragmented and collapsed.

Why?

Content purges!

"Isn't there some sort of online archive of this stuff?"

Sure, if you wanna dig through tons and tons of Angelfire and Geocities pages which have mostly disappeared. Otherwise, no! There is no archive of this stuff?

"Why?"

They've since rolled back on this but it means there's a massive amount of lost media out there, including the discussions on it and thus there's an entire history you didn't get to experience.

Its actually very difficult to reach people who've been involved, since it was so long ago that very few people remember, and a sizable proportion of that population have actually died.

"But what about SF fandoms? We have ancient records of stuff like Spirk!"

See unlike physical media like zines, when a server goes offline or there's a data-loss, or something like that there is no surviving copy of the thing in question.

The net result is we have this weird hole where content just vanished, and its now considered lost media. The work of many artists, designers, writers, even videos of events are just lost media because we didn't have the archival mentality adults develop.

You're not gonna hear about all the X-Files stuff or Frasier fanfictions or GW stuff because of these purges and the lack of physical media. FFN users were teens, not adults with resources like US/EU/JP SF fans, who had archival tendencies due to their long history.

So there is this supermassive black-hole in the history of fanfiction running between 1998, and 2008 and some of the only evidence of it are worksafe works and fansites which the owners have long since forgotten about because folks moved on. Moving on is a normal part of fandom.

So to those of you just saying "supernatural is losing to a pair of dumb anime girls" or "urgh this is just a trend tumblr will get over it and go back to supernatural"...

Uhhhhh no they won't, actually?

Supernat's fans mostly seem to be waspy Americans. Gundam is kind of a global phenomenon, one which has traditionally had a silent majority female audience, a vocal minority male audience -- and every time that majority has spoken up, its coincided with a content purge, or a TOS change that mysteriously biases American derived fiction over Japanese derived fiction.

Funny that.

tl;dr:

NATURE IS HEALING

#witch from mercury #supernatural #destiel #g witch

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sortasirius · 1 month

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"There Goes the Groom" and Buck's Queer Joy

Hey so...remember when I did post ep meta for two years? Anyway we're back like we've never left.

Best Hen <3

OBSESSED with micromanaging party planner Evan Buckley. The clipboard was there in spirit.

"You are late."

I'll take married for several years for $500, Alex.

"Ooo sliders."

"Ah ah. No."

"You didn't just do that." PLEASE

Tommy giving Eddie a bro-y high five and then a soft, sweet "hey" for Buck and a hug??? Fellas I might need to be sedated.

Also obsessed with the tinge of bitchiness in Eddie's tone. It's like jealousy without even realizing it's jealousy. And I think it's an interesting mix of "hey my best friend has a new friend" and something else that Eddie cannot label.

Ryan Guzman you must be studied for that little side eye lmfaoooo

I LOVEEEEE TOMMY HE'S SUCH A BITCH, he said I do not care for your party themes. Me for real.

Why were they all so obsessed with the sliders???? I love them all so much.

"Reach for them and you'll be pulling back a bloody stump." WITH THE RAISED EYEBROWS AND THE LITTLE HEAD TILT RYAN GUZMAN I AM KISSING YOU ON THE MOUTH.

"Wholesome, 80s-themed karaoke."

Buck was a party planner in another life and I stand by that.

"We should totally go as Crockett and Tubbs."

"Absolutely."

They are literally this meme:

The little shoulder rub that Buck gives Tommy <333333333333

The way Buck and Eddie are sitting during the party scene, Buck's arm absolutely SLUNG around his shoulder...yeah okay. Okay. I'm normal about this.

The whole party was two idiot best friends pointing at each other and saying "exactlyyyyyy." Yes, I would die for them.

I just want to say that every single thing about Chimney's journey this episode was heartbreaking and scary and I HATED that I didn't know what was going to happen to him the whole time. Ok thanks for your time.

From that guy stealing his car to every Doug jumpscare, I think they did a really good job freaking the audience (at least...me) the fuck out without actually revealing what had happened. Like..we know he's sick, we know something's wrong, but it was a well-paced episode, even if in my perfect world it would have been like two hours long lol.

And the fact that Maddie is always going to look for him, always going to find him, just like he would do for her...don't look at me I'm emo.

Chim essentially pushing the fact that he is actively dying from encephalitis to the side because being a paramedic and saving lives is so deeply ingrained in him it's something the can't forget? He's so important to me.

Then...Kevin. He's such a huge part of Chim's life, his arc, how he became a firefighter, and it essentially include him in the wedding (even though it was in a very scary way), I think it's a really great take on the idea that our loved ones who can't be there for milestones are there even when we can't see them, especially with his line "you invited me, remember?"

Doug was never there, but Kevin was, Kevin will be there even when Chim can't see him.

"I was trying to get back to you the whole time." THEY ARE EVERYTHING HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THEM. ALL THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH, ALL THEY'VE HAD TO DO, AND THEY STILL FOUGHT FOR AND CAME BACK TO EACH OTHER!!!!

Bobby officiating and saying "and the Los Angeles Fire Department" THEY ARE A FAMILY!!!!

And then...perhaps one of thee most important scenes ever aired on television ever:

"Sorry I'm late, that fire was a beast."

"So are you."

And STRAIGHT in for a SERIOUS kiss??????? 911 writers room you can have my life, take it, it's already yours.

Tommy's little huff of surprise and then hum of "yeah okay I'm down for this." PUT THEM IN THE DICTIONARY NEXT TO THE CUTEST COUPLE OF ALL TIME

And last...Buck coming in to the room where his family, both blood and chosen, is, with soot all over his face, and a smile so bright that it had to have lit up the entire west coast, not caring who saw him or who knew exactly what he had just been doing...yeah, that's what this shit is all about.

EDDIE'S beautiful smile when he realizes how happy Buck is they are best friends FIRST and that is all that matters to me!!!

Hen being like "it's about damn time." SO TRUE QUEEN OF COURSE SHE KNEW!!!!!

I haven't really been able to put this into words yet, but the way they are handling Buck's bisexuality and his first relationship with someone of the same gender as him is just...it's almost astounding. It's been handled with such care, from Oliver to Lou to the writers to the NETWORK, everyone is so clearly fully onboard with this and not afraid of it.

And there's no pain here, his coming out is not born out of trauma or being forced or caught or guilty. Tommy made him feel something that he had never been able to put a name to, and Tommy is helping him figure it out. He's letting Buck be overeager without taking advantage, he's letting him move at his own pace (which, of course, is at light speed) but is also confident enough in himself to pump the brakes when he feels like he needs to.

I just can't get enough of that smile, of how fucking happy Buck is. Happy in himself, happy with Tommy, happy to finally have a name for who he is, and not be afraid to share it with the people he loves. His parents' reactions don't matter, because he knows the people that matter to him most won't care who he's with, as long as he loves them and they treat him well.

It's such a huge step for Buck, who has so often fallen prey to what other people might think, it's so refreshing to see him get to explore this without fear of what others will say. Tommy is a steady constant, experienced and knows who he is. He teases Buck and calls him Evan and flirts with him shamelessly, and it flusters him in the best way.

To see a character like Buck, who was, essentially, billed as straight from the beginning of the show, be able to come in to himself and experience real queer joy...wow. For me, it just can't be overstated.

I can't wait to see where Buck's journey goes, and I am just so...grateful to be able to watch it.

#spoilers #my meta #dusting off this tag lmao #lilly liveblogs 911 #911 abc #911 7x06 #911 #buddie #bucktommy #madney #evan buckley #buck is bi

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these-emo-thoughts · 5 months

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Last Twilight Episode 11 thoughts

A lot of people are hating on Day right now but I get him. I do. And if you haven't watched episode 11 yet, maybe skip this post as it revolves around a major part of the plot. If you've watched the ep, you probably know what I'm talking about. More detail is under the cut.

Warning, this is a long one, lol. Apologies for any mistakes, I'm a bit sick and didn't read over it 🤣

If you've seen it already, I'm going to explain why I think Mhok and Day's break-up had to happen and why it is the best thing for them right now.

Mhok's fear of losing another person because he isn't there to help or pick up the phone is absolutely valid (and so real and relatable that I feel personally attacked). He doesn't stay with Day out of pity, which has been established multiple times throughout the series - but the trauma of what he went through with Rung and the fear of possibly repeating that again with Day has made his anxiety cloud his judgement and his heart. It's not a healthy way to live - constantly worrying about your partner, to the extent where you cannot live for yourself, is not sustainable for a relationship (I also find this quite ironic because up until this point Mhok has been on his own for a long time now). We saw the manifestation of this fear in episode 11 multiple times too, with Mhok leaving in the middle of the shift to check that the guest that was hit by a car wasn't Day, and then when he was freaking out when Day wasn't answering his phone. Imagine going through all of that, but this time, your partner is 15 hours away by plane.

Day choosing to break up with him is, in my opinion, more complex than just "he lied to me and pitied me". That's part of it (and will come back at the end of this post), yes, and he does have the right to be upset that Mhok lied to him. Again, it's not healthy for the both of them if they are going to continue a relationship. I also want to point out that Day is at a disadvantage here because while he is capable of living his life independently as a blind man, he can't actually see the emotions on people's faces when he talks to them and that's can be important for picking up what others are putting down. Day can't see the changes in Mhok's expression when his smile fades, he has to rely on the other to talk to him when something is up, so lying is a BIG no-no here (as it would be for any relationship). So far, they've done a great job at communicating, so this is presented as new issue - but, it's a big one. So yes, the lying is part of it, but it's not ALL of it.

"But what IS all of it!?" I hear you scream into the Tumblr void. Well, by now, OF COURSE Day knows that Mhok truly loves him and KNOWS that the other doesn't pity him - he's said so many times. So, Day must realise at this point - of which the timeline is probably at a year of them knowing each other, give or take - that Mhok is deliberately holding himself back from good opportunities because of that love. It must hurt like hell, knowing that you're the reason your partner is self-sabotaging, but there's nothing you can do to change their mind because everything is out of your control. It's so much easier for Day to say "Mhok pities me and lied to me and that's why I want to break up" instead of "I'm the reason Mhok won't go".

It's heartbreaking, but what's the solution here? Long distance? Sure, maybe - but that's not going to stop Mhok from worrying about Day and being distracted from his job. It's not going to stop Day from feeling like he's a burden to Mhok. Not only that, with timezones and such a huge distance, there are even more complications to worry about. Plus, let's say something DID happen to Day while Mhok was in Hawaii - it goes back to exactly the problem that Mhok had which is what can he do about it? Long distance is a solution, but how long will they last living like that?

"Okay emo, so why doesn't Day just go to Hawaii with Mhok? Then they can be together and Mhok can fulfil his promise to take him there and they don't have to break up and they'll live happily ever after." I see you!! But... that's a BIG decision. Mhok and Day's trip to Songkhla may have been a test to see how they weather the storm of living together as boyfriends, but it was only for a few days. And Day - for most of it - was alone in the room while Mhok was working. That's not a way for Day to live, and it still won't stop Mhok from being worried, probably even MORESO now because they're in a whole other country.

So... what's left?

Day's decision to break up with Mhok is heartbreaking, but is probably the only solution that makes sense to me. Mhok CANNOT live a life like this. He can't. It's already debilitating him and it'll get even worse if he's constantly prioritising Day over himself in every aspect of life. Of course a person should think about their partner, but not to the point where it becomes unhealthy self-sabotage. Day also cannot live happily like this. He's come to terms living with a disability and already is aware of how different his daily life is to that of a sighted person - but the little voice in the back of his mind, the one reminding him that he's the reason Mhok is not living his life to the fullest, is making the entire process more difficult for him (and the lying really doesn't help).

So... yeah. A necessary evil that unfortunately to many will be written off simply as the "episode 11 curse". An evil that has people already saying that Day is stupid and immature, when I really believe this is the most rational he's been. I know even the actors have said it's about the lying but this is P'Aof we're talking about here - he's a brilliant story-teller, and there's always more to his art than what we see on the surface. It's happened in other shows he's directed, which is why they rate so highly. Last Twilight is no exception, and the complexity of the love story between Mhok and Day is nothing short of a masterpiece. That's how I see it, anyway.

Would love to hear other thoughts and perspectives!

#last twilight #last twilight the series #last twilight episode 11 #character study #mhokday #jimmysea #backaof noppharnach

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kanonavi · 4 months

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hello tumblr user kanonavi who is 1/3rd of the reason i started rereading tgcf. i have come to collect my personal apology for the emotional damages inflicted upon me for the past 5 days. and i have also come with THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS (mostly feelings)

- icb i put off this reread so long hualian are so romance. theyre jsut Romance......... absolutely floored by every throwaway bit of dialogue they had....... in shambles forever....,

- sqx arc was not as painful as the first few times i read it bc i now stand with my cancelled wife (he xuan) I STILL LOVE SQX AND THEY DESERVE EVERYTHING GOOD. BUT HX WAS REAL FOR ALL OF THAT. i love revenge

- i wanna know your thoughts on ling wen bc u mentioned having mixed feelings on her but i loved her so bad all the way to the end so im curious ljdkdjf

- i am not immune to backstory arc pt2. read it last last (?) night at like 3am and cried myself to sleep its just so gutting every timeeeeeee.... the hc plot that builds in that arc is ofc one of my favorites in the entire novel though :')

- the chapter w the cave of statues took me like 2+ hours to get through because i was feeling so insane abt it

i feel bad dropping this block of text in ur askbox sorry. will leave it there for now LOL

Omg hiiiii tumblr user stardust-make-a-wish welcome back from the yaoi cocaine pit :3 I know you're here to collect emotional damages, but I must make it known that I'm not even remotely sorry <3

Also you should feel bad for yourself instead of for me because I can only respond to huge blocks of text with even bigger blocks of text, so (TGCF Spoilers Ahead) and also I am so sorry lmaooooo

UGH you're so right that hualian is the most romance forever they are just so *clenches fists and sobs*....... They're always there for each other and they're so in love and they've been through so much and I just want them to be able to rest because it's what they deserve.

I will never once say that Hu Xuan wasn't justified in everything he did cuz like. Shi Wudu had it coming what a piece of shit. But at the same time Qingxuan is my wife and I will not tolerate my wife being harmed. So like revenge slay yes but also I am still cancelling He Xuan and spraying him with the water bottle (even though he is already very very damp).

Yesyesyes Ling Wen. So my thought about Ling Wen is that she kinda girlbossed a little too close to the sun, but at the same time you look at her circumstances both past and present and have to understand why she did all of that. It already would have been hard enough for her to gain any kind of recognition as a woman, much less in the Heavenly Court, so her ruthlessness is completely understandable. But at the same time, I don't really think the Brocade Immortal deserved what she did to him nor was taking Bai Wuxiang's side in the final conflict a real cool thing of her to do. I can't fully be a hater though because her own thoughts about everything are clearly so nuanced (See: The final convo she had with Xie Lian about the Brocade Immortal, which I am still thinking so incredibly hard about to this day).

I think that Ling Wen is interesting in the same way that I find other characters like Mu Qing, He Xuan, and Yin Yu interesting. It's in the sense that even if I don't really agree with all of the actions that they took, it's very easy to look at them and come to an understanding of why they did what they did. And I have varying degrees of like for all of the characters I just listed, but that doesn't change the fact that they're all Compelling. So it's almost like a begrudging respect that I feel for Ling Wen, if I were to boil it down into simple terms.

aaaaaaaaaa The Horrors(tm) :sob: Even though I could talk about Xie Lian's arc through that part of his backstory for a million years, you're so right that Hua Cheng's arc through it is also so interesting to watch. It really goes to prove that Hua Cheng is different from everyone else in Xie Lian's life up until this point, because yes there's the very obvious throughline of Hua Cheng wanting to protect Xie Lian (rather than expecting his protection), but even more importantly that feeling never changes even when Xie Lian has his mini corruption arc.

Like, Hua Cheng fell in love with the pure and virtuous Crown Prince of Xianle but not for that quality. Instead of being ashamed and looking at Xie Lian with scorn when he was like "What if I kill everyone actually" Hua Cheng is like "Then let me be your sword". There's the element of not wanting Xie Lian to dirty himself that Hua Cheng carries for the entire story but the point is in that he is not a voice who would tell Xie Lian to stop having those thoughts if it's truly what he wants (Unlike what his parents or Feng Xin and Mu Qing would probably say).

I'm going to write an essay about their character dynamic one day istg I am chewing through the drywall

The cave statues chapter......... *passes away*. Like on one hand that chapter is so funny because yes Hua Cheng is just an absolute certified freak (POV my roommate telling me earlier on in my reading that HC is a porn addict and me being like "pssht noooo" but then getting to this chapter several months later and being like "O h.") but on the other hand THE CONFESSION??????? Like. All I can do is gesture wildly at the storyboard animatic that someone made of that scene on YouTube while absolutely fucking sobbing. There is a reason why the cover of volume 6 felt somehow more intimate than the cover of volume 4 where they're literally making out.

Anyway I'm patting Hua Cheng on the head like It's okay buddy Xie Lian loves you because you're a certified freak, he's seen too much of this world to be weirded out even a little bit. Which is why those two are perfect for each other <3

I'm glad you had so much fun on your reread, have fun with the brainworms :3

#navi answers #stardust-make-a-wish #Once again I am so sorry for my ability to Talk lmao

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seraphtrevs · 1 year

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I feel as dense as Jesse because I just don't see it about Walt loving him even more than Skyler and going completely feral when other people hurt him? Like obviously he loves him because he can easily manipulate him but I just... don't get it? Is it that he wants to be the only one who hurts Jesse?

But Walt doesn't think he's hurting Jesse. He thinks he's protecting him. Every time Walt does something shitty to Jesse, he convinces himself it was for Jesse's own good.

Like when he let Jane die. Walt's true reason was that Jane tried to take Jesse away from him. But Walt thinks that the reason he did it was to protect Jesse. Jane got him hooked on heroin. If he stays with her, she'll kill him. In a way, Walt killed her for Jesse.

And I don't think Jesse was actually that easy for Walt to manipulate at first. Jesse kicked and screamed the whole way as Walt dragged him into their partnership. Things changed when their relationship became more intense - when they loved each other, Jesse became easier to manipulate. But Walt didn't fall in love with him because he was easy to manipulate since that didn't come until later.

A big part of the reason their relationship is so intense is that they've been through several life-and-death situations together now, starting from the beginning when Krazy-8 comes for them. Walt kills Emilio in defense of himself and Jesse. Later, he kills Domingo, sparing Jesse from having to do it.

When Walt killed Emilio, he wasn't doing it specifically to save Jesse (he was saving them both, so it was as much self-interest). But once the dust settled...I think Walt felt excited about the idea of killing someone in defense of someone else. A huge part of Walt's psychology is that he loves the idea of being a protector (and a provider). In mundane life, there's no opportunity for doing something that primal. He can't kill for Skylar and the kids...

...but he can kill for Jesse.

The other thing he can do for Jesse is provide. (Yes, they're partners, but Walt views himself as the leader.) The only person in the whole show who ever feels happy about getting money from Walt is Jesse (that doesn't last long, but he was very excited at first).

Heisenberg is Walt's ideal self - powerful, rich, dangerous, feared. But he has to hide his ideal self from Skyler and his son, even as he's in the process of fully realizing fantasies he's had for years. (btw Heisenberg is nowhere near as cool as Walt thinks he is, but that's how Walt feels when he's running his empire). A huge part of this fantasy is being a protector - he can't be Heisenberg unless he has someone to protect. So that person becomes Jesse

Jesse used to be his student, so he already had some residual protective feelings for him, which puts Jesse in the role of a child - a son. But at the same time, these fantasies are VERY sexy to Walt - he tries to bring it home to Skyler to mixed results. So with that energy frustrated and needing a place to go, Jesse also becomes like his wife. (What can I say, he's a sick person.) Their relationship plays out more like a romance than a father/son story, in my opinion, but there's definitely an element of both, which is what makes it so disturbing and fascinating

#this is already long so i'm going to stop here #but i have more thoughts about what jesse gets out of all this #walter white #jesse pinkman #breaking bad

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copperbadge · 9 months

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Re: your Shivad calender,, I hadn't realized that Twelve Points happened so close to Lady and the Tiger. There's something really funny about Alanna and Jerry being like "we're engaged now" and then Eurovision National Finals is happening the Next Weekend. Caleb's life is in crisis and the Duke and Duchess are in the background looking like a settled long-engagement couple. asjskshsk

YES. It wasn't intended at first, but someone pointed it out to me when I was posting Twelve Points and it's super hilarious. If they were ever to turn the Shivadh novels into a tv show or miniseries, every episode would have at least one scene where something hugely dramatic is happening in the foreground while in the background Jerry and Alanna are just there, out of focus and poorly lit, wreaking havoc of some kind.

There's a bit in Twelve Points where Alanna refers to Jerry as her boyfriend, while he's been calling her his fiancee, which makes sense mainly if you understand that they got engaged two hours after first sleeping together and that was like. Four weeks previous. And Alanna is having a perfectly proportionate reaction while Jerry finds it funny to insist they're on the verge of marriage. :D

I actually lampshade the whole situation briefly in Royals/Ramblers:

"I don't mind being married, though. I mean if your grandparents are on you about it," Jerry said. "And maybe you want the big fancy wedding, you know, Bride's Big Day."

"Not really. Do you?"

"No," he said, looking relieved.

"Then no wedding for now," she said. "Besides, we can always elope."

"Funniest way would be to call each other our fiance our whole lives and then elope when we're seventy," he said.

"I'd never really thought about it until Eddie brought it up one time," she said, "but as he pointed out, you are really dedicated to the bit."

"At least I manage to commit to something," he said.

Part of it is funny because I'm deliberately playing into some tropes there, both in romance and in real life -- the protagonists who fall in love super fast, but also the way that royalty have traditionally had of becoming engaged very quickly once they've found a "suitable" match. Alanna and Jerry are incredibly "suitable" for each other -- they're of the same age, education level, and peerage rank, and they both bring significant personal wealth to the marriage. Neither of them want to lean into that life, but they keep getting punted into it by fate. :D "Oh no, I accidentally fell in love super fast with someone my aged relatives will approve of. We are inadvertently going to join two ancient dynasties into one. We got engaged and THEN started dating."

#shivadhverse

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badass-queer-couples-battle · 11 months

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Simple question- who's your favourite badass couple? Propaganda under the cut, there's a lot of it this time!

Propaganda for Cecilos: "Canonly gay as hell since episode 1 of WTNV. Cecil also won tumblr sexy man, and has been a huge part of Tumblr's history since days of old. As for Carlos... He's a scientist. Scientists are hot and get into trouble way too often."

Propaganda for Barnaby x Kotetsu: "Ugh, they're so GOOD. they've got battle couple. they've got coworkers. They've got silly nicknames for each other. they brought light into each other's life!! the single parent trope!! superheroes!! swearing to be partners forever!!! almost died in each other's arms!!!!!! THEY'VE GOT EVERYTHING they are also supposed to be canon, they're literally listed as each other "partner" in the family section in their respective wikis!!!! It's not like, explicitly canon, but it technically is :D"

"It's not Canon because the statement from the production team is its up to the viewers to decided but the team see them as romantic partners

These two goofballs are my fave right now

Rivals to lovers arc

Red and green colour scheme

They share the same power

They are work partners who hate eachother but then come to love eachother

They literally put their life on the line together

Kotetsu ran out of the hospital still bleeding to give Barnaby a grenade to help him win

Have cute nicknames for eachother (Bunny/ lil bunny and old man)

They constantly fight over the goofiest things

Kotetsu almost died in Barnaby's arms

Barnaby admitted to be practising Kotetsu's favourite food so he can cook it for him

Kotetsu tells him that he has such long eyelashes in return

Barnaby quits hero work when kotetsu retires and joins it again when Kotetsu takes it up

The entirety of the second movie (look, the way Barnaby's VA (ive only watched it in english) says Kotetsu)

The two are called the best buddy duo and the first

The Fugan and Mugab fight when Kotetsu trusts that Barnaby has a plan when everyone else believes that he is in a blind rage because Kotetsu was injured

The manga makes them even more like a married couple then the second season

They are both superheroes and are the first partner duo at first They hate eachother but they come to like eachother (Barnaby adopts Kotetsu's morals)

This is more why they are a couple then why they are a battle couple sorry bout that

They fight crime together everyday for their jobs

They have taken down members of the terrorist group Ouroboros together and help eachither back up

The suit swap

Barnaby hysterically crying in the end episode

But they fight crime together"

#bqcb round 1 #tiger and bunny #wtnv #cecilos #carlos the scientist #cecil wtnv #barnaby brooks jr #kotetsu t. kaburagi #barnaby x kotetsu #tiger & bunny #carlos dave robles #(Carlos' full name according to one of the recent eps)#welcome to night vale

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rallamajoop · 9 months

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Lab Photos and Documents from Resident Evils 7 & 8

Near the end of both Resis 7 and 8, the player character gets to explore a laboratory full of significant documents and interesting photos, textured and angled such that it’s very hard to get a good screencap. So here’s a huge dump of all the relevant image assets I could find to extract from both game files (plus some rambling about everything that got recycled between them, because spot-the-reused-asset is still my favourite game right now).

Photos from Lucas' lab in Resident Evil 7

The photo of Mia with Eveline in front of the tanker can be found at the end of the Mia video tape, though it also shows up again in Lucas' other lab in the Not A Hero DLC. That DLC also throws in a few new photos of Lucas' creations.

And moving on a game...

Photos from Miranda's Lab in Resident Evil 8

(Apologies for the long post above the cut, but tumblr doesn't seem to let you tile images below a 'Read more', unfortunately.)

What’s interesting is that most do seem to be legitimate photos of the characters’ real-life face models, not just renders of their 3D game models. Whether the human models themselves posed for these or whether their likeness was simply photoshopped onto scenes composed without them I haven’t been able to find out (though the latter seems more likely to me, given that most face models don't even seem to have known what character their likeness would be used for). Either way, there’s an eerie realism to these that doesn’t occur in many other parts of the game, and it’s effective in its own uncanny way.

Since both games refer to the same research at the same lab, it's probably reasonable that some of RE8 photos are just slightly-adjusted copies of those from RE7 ‒ those two shots of Eveline in the lab most obviously. And we're probably just supposed to politely ignore how obviously Miranda's just been selectively edited into that original pic of Eveline with the scientists. *cough*

In fact, if you look closely, even that big group photo of Eveline with the research team and transport operatives has actually patched in both Mia and Eveline from that earlier photo of them standing in front of the tanker. In fact, Alan (Mia's partner in RE7) isn't even from a photo at all: that's a drawing from a piece concept art (no wonder they've got him standing at the back!) As a minor role who appeared in no photos in RE7, I assume they just didn't have any good shots of his face model available.

I'm a little suspicious even Miranda's face in the group shot has been edited in from one of her other photos, but the match isn't quite perfect enough for me to be sure.

Even that photo of the needle going into the egg and the developing foetus isn't new: you can see the same needle shot in some of the RE7 documents, and even the foetus development series gets an angled scan-over in the RE7 ending sequence.

Mind you, some of those "photos of Eveline" may actually not be Eveline herself ‒ text on them in the lab itself suggests they're photos of other members of the E-series, sacrificed during necrotoxin tests. Which makes it rather odd that the figure in the second photo is an adult man who looks nothing like Eveline, so I can only assume some wires got crossed somewhere in the dev team.

(Also odd: the suggestion that there were multiple E-series subjects, some of whom were put down for experimental purposes, even though Eveline herself is labeled E-001. But let's not pretend RE lore has ever been super-consistent at the best of times.)

RE8's "lab photos" also include a couple of shots of a man in snow gear who's apparently Spencer of Umbrella-fame, presumably for all those fans who don't feel it's a proper Resident Evil game if there's not an Umbrella in it somewhere. They're both about as rough as that one piece of concept art of Alan, so I'm guessing whoever created them was about as invested in that topic as I am.

Somewhat more interesting to me are the two shots of Miranda with babies. The second obvious Eveline, but the first is presumably of Miranda with Eva, way back in 1920 or so ‒ demonstrating nothing so much much as that in a full 100 years, Miranda hasn't even slightly changed how she does her eyebrows. /s

#Resident Evil Village #Resident Evil 7 #Mia Winters #Eveline #Mother Miranda #RE assets #reused assets #RE lore #meta

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nappingtopknot · 1 year

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Home for the Holidays - Will Poulter x Reader

God you guys have no idea how long I was working on this, writer's block and depression are a bitch.

Anyway finally getting my shit together and really wanted to finish this before moving on to something else.

Hope you like it

Warnings: Some swearing, a tiny bit of angst but mostly fluff

Word Count: 3,304

Summary: You take your boyfriend home to meet your family for the first time and it takes an unexpected turn.

Under the cut for length.

Introducing your boyfriend to the family was never an easy thing to do. Especially around the holidays.

You haven't seen your parents in a while and they've been itching to meet the new beau since you first made it official two summers ago.

This is huge.

What if they don't like him? What if he doesn't like them?

Anxiety flushes over your arrival at the airport. A million thoughts race through your mind on how this can end so horribly.

"Hey" a voice snaps you from your trance.

You look over at your boyfriend, concern on his face. Reaching over to grab your hand before giving it a gentle squeeze.

"It'll be fine I promise. They'll love me" he says matter of factly.

You hear them calling your boarding group and before you have a second to contemplate it any further you're making your way toward the gate.

Here goes nothing.

Driving through your hometown is always so weird. The nostalgia that flows can be overwhelming, relieving memories so vividly as you pass through certain areas.

You miss it you do. But you left and that part of your life is behind you now.

Walking up the steps to your family home the nerves set in again. Go away, you tell yourself as you try to shake them off before ringing the bell.

They'll love him.

They'll love him…

"Y/n! Oh, honey, we're so glad you're home!" Your mom says pulling you into a bear hug. "We've missed you so much"

She pulls away briefly looking around before meeting your face again. "Y/n, where is he? Your bae" she says teasingly, "You said he was coming to meet us"

"He's just getting the bags from the trunk I'm sure he's-"

Your mom all but screams when she sees your boyfriend finally.

"Hey Mrs. Y/L/N! It's so nice to finally meet you" he says holding his hand to meet your moms for a handshake.

"Mom, this is Michael"

"It's so wonderful to meet you too! Oh my gosh y/n isn't he just the cutest"

She likes him. That's good?

"Let's get you both inside"

You're home.

Walking through your childhood home sent so many memories flooding through your brain. Walking up the stairs, looking at all the photos that line the walls.

Nostalgia hits you like a brick wall as soon as you enter your old bedroom.

Michael lets out an audible laugh when he sees some of your childhood photos.

"It was a phase okay? Don't laugh" You playfully scold.

"I don't know I'm kinda digging this look more. Maybe you need to bring this back" he teases as he draws closer to you. His hands raking up your hips.

You press your lips to his chest, "maybe if your lucky I'll dig that shirt out later"

But before Michael can answer your mom hollered from downstairs.

"Y/n your father's home! Come on downstairs"

Mom's no big deal compared to Dad.

You feel the worry and anxiety wash over you again but before you can get lost in your thoughts Michael squeezes your sides tight.

"Hey, it'll be fine, alright?"

You nod and make your way downstairs with Michael in tote.

As you turn the corner wrapping around the stairs you meet your father's eyesight.

"There's my girl" your dad shouts from the bottom.

"Dad!"

You make your way down the stairs to meet your father's warm embrace.

"I've missed you so much sweetheart," he says squeezing you tighter.

"I missed you too dad"

He holds you just a moment longer before letting go and finally laying his eyes on Michael standing behind you.

"Ah, this must be Michael. Put her there son" he says holding his hand out for a handshake

"Pleasure to meet you, Sir"

So polite.

"Pleasures all mine"

Going well so far.

"Whaddya say about a beer son? I'll show you the man cave in the basement."

Michael looks towards you briefly for a moment before your father speaks up, "I'm sure y/n and her mother have some catching up to do so it'll give us a chance to get to know each other"

"Yes sir"

"Alright y/n, we'll see you later. If your mom asks where I am tell her I'm in the basement"

And with that, they were gone. He whisked your boyfriend away to the "man cave".

Fingers crossed they get along. God, you hope they get along.

Walking into the kitchen brings back old memories of rushing out of the house to get to school.

Those random bake sales you did with your girlfriends. And you can't forget the late nights spent hanging out with friends.

You've kept in contact with most of your old friends, and a few you've grown apart. Life just gets in the way and it's understandable.

No one stays in your life forever.

Pulling you from your thoughts is the sound of clinking dishes. Helping mom, right.

"Hey need help with anything?"

"Yeah hun if you wouldn't mind pulling the leaf out from the garage, we'll need it for dinner on Wednesday."

"Why the leaf? I thought it was just us for Christmas"

"Oh gosh I didn't tell you did I? Your father and I have been doing a joint Christmas dinner with the neighbors, it's too quiet with all the kids gone so it's nice having a full house again."

"You.. you guy's never mentioned that. Mom, I would have come home more for Christmas if I knew you were lonely."

"Oh, sweetie!" your mom exclaims, "It's no problem! You are an adult with your own life and career sweetie we understand. It's actually been great! It's like a potluck and we switch off houses each year and we happened to be hosting this year."

"Well that sounds fun I guess"

Now you kinda feel like a jerk for leaving your parents all alone.

"It's a lot of fun. You forget how to live for yourself when you have kids, and after you leave us we as parents all feel lost. But I've found new hobbies and made new friends of which Linda from pilates and her husband are coming so you'll get to meet them."

"Well that's good I'm excited to meet them. I'm happy for you mom."

"Now go get the leaf and you can help me start prepping dessert."

You nod and make your way toward the garage.

After some digging around in the garage you finally found the damn leaf hiding behind a heavy box you can't lift.

And you think to yourself that this is a perfect excuse to go steal your boyfriend back from your father.

But as your walking back into the house you hear indistinct talking. Your mom. And someone else?

You can't make out who it is, but they sound eerily familiar?

As you make your way back inside, walking through the mudroom into the hallway you hear the voice more clearly.

That's not...

Rounding the corner you're sent into a tailspin.

Why is he here?

You're not even paying attention to the words your moms saying to you, you're too distracted by him.

You clear your throat awkwardly as you realize you've been silent for too long and their both now just staring at you.

"Sorry, Mom what?"

"Y/n, honey, I said did you find the leaf?"

"Oh right, sorry. Yeah I was coming in to get Michael because it's behind some heavy boxes I couldn't move on my own"

Stop staring at him.

Why are you staring at him like that?

"Well, what perfect timing, look who stopped by? I'm sure he won't mind helping now won't you, Will?"

"Of course not. It's lovely to see you y/n! It's been too long"

"Same, uh, to you. What, um are you doing here?"

You couldn't be more uncomfortable right now.

"I'm in town visiting my parents and your mom had asked for a few eggs so I'm just dropping them off."

"Greaaat. It's fine though I don't need your help, I was just gonna get my boyfriend to help. You can go home."

"Nonsense y/n, I'm sure he doesn't mind", your mom interjects.

With awkward silence that's only awkward to you, Will finally speaks.

"Right, well lovely speaking with you Mrs. Y/L/N, mum's looking forward to your pot roast on Wednesday."

"How sweet, tell her I look forward to her famous toffee pudding!"

"I'll make sure to tell her," he said before walking toward you.

"This Way" you lead.

"So love, how have you been?"

Will tries to fight the silence.

You don't hate him. You just dislike him.

"Been good Will."

Okay, maybe you do hate him.

Growing up you were two were close. And now you're not and no amount of pretending is going to make things normal.

"Boxes are there" you spit more bitterly than intended

"Right let's get these buggers moved shall we."

The truth is you did like him at one point. But that's long since passed, he's an ass. Conceited and only cares about himself.

You were good friends with his sisters, that's how you two met. But he's an ass and abandoned you.

"All set, do you want me to carry this in for you? It's quite heavy"

"No Will I got it."

"Are you sure?", Will tries to insist, "It's really not a bother"

"I said I got it."

"Alright... I do mean it, it was lovely seeing you again. Don't be such a stranger."

Psh. Me? He's the stranger.

Besides. You both are different people now. And you don't need him in your life.

Will holds his hand out for a handshake and you turn to grab the leaf with both hands instead.

Will retracts his hand taking the hint, "See you around love."

----

Even though you hadn't been home for long you cannot count down the days until you were back home in your own bed back to your normal life and routine.

It's definitely comforting to at least have Michael here by your side when you wake up.

Staying with your family has gone smoothly so far.

You couldn't have been happier that Michael and your family were getting along.

Making breakfast the day before for your mom and dad was certainly the cherry on top for them with Michael.

You were helping your mom clean the house and move furniture around to make room for all the tables.

Michael is even helping hang some decorations.

Everything was picture-perfect… until he showed up.

"Will! I'm so glad you could come help." Your mom all but cheered for him.

"Of course Mrs. Y/L/N, I'm always happy to help"

"We have some decorations that need to be hung and I cannot for the life of me find our ladder, but your nice and tall so I figured you should be able to reach them"

Will let off a soft chuckle.

A sweet sound you haven't heard in a while. No, you hate him remember?

"I will do my best," he said simply.

"Great Michaels in the dining room he'll show you where you put them"

Fuck.

Should you be nervous that your boyfriend and Will are in the same room? Any sane person would say no.

The thing is, Will has never liked a single one of your boyfriends growing up. Not one.

He always had something to say and always thought you deserved better no matter who you were dating.

Seeing them making small talk has you nervous he'll try to sabotage another relationship.

It's one of the reasons why you started to drift apart. There was no winning with him and after graduating, he just up and left.

"Alright, mom what's next?" You say in an attempt to clear your mind.

"Besides setting the tables and putting up a few more string lights I think we're good. Let's go check on the boys."

Godsend. Get Will out of here.

As you make your way toward the dining room you can't help but feel anxious.

What have they been talking about? Are they talking about you?

Was Will just being a dick again, trying to run Michael off.

"Wow, it looks good boys!" Your mom says looking around the room

"Yeah it looks really good guys," you say checking out all the hanging decorations.

"Thanks, love" Will responds.

Your boyfriend shoots you a look of discomfort at your seemly newfound nickname.

Will was a part of your past that you never got into with Michael. It never felt like something important that needed to be discussed.

Besides every celebrity has an asshole story about them from their past friendships.

and to be completely honest, you never thought you'd ever see him again. One big role and suddenly Will's too good to call you anymore.

What a dick.

It didn't help to see all those girls hanging on him like arm candy.

Deep down you couldn't blame the girls. He was incredibly attractive and his accent. God. It's like heaven.

But you knew the real Will. You wouldn't fall for this fake sweet person he suddenly is.

Pulling you from your thoughts, your mother remarks, how nice it is to have everyone together again.

"You should have seen how inseparable these two used to be Michael. We couldn't keep them apart!", your mother jokes lightly nudging both you and Will.

"You know we all used to think you'd get married someday, how silly is that?" Your mom further explained and laughed.

Earning a blush and a chuckle from Will.

Meanwhile, Michael couldn't look more uncomfortable. Clearing his throat he excuses himself.

Taking his queue you follow your boyfriend and as you're heading up the stairs you can faintly hear your mom ask Will,

"What? What did I say?"

…

You find Michael up in your old room, pacing which is never a good sign.

You make your way into the room and plop down on the bed, watching Michael angrily pace, you try to grab his hand to bring him close to you but he pulls away.

Upset he asks, "Were you just never going to tell me, y/n? Cause I think that's pretty shitty of you"

"Woah, tell you what? I have no idea what you're talking about. Calm down baby come sit, talk to me" you pat the empty spot on the bed next to you.

"Calm down?" Michael begins to raise his voice

"Hey", you say firmly interrupting him, "please don't shout with my parents downstairs"

"Y/n, I'm going to shout if I want to shout because I am angry! How could you not tell me your history with him?"

You don't even get a chance to respond as Michael interrupts,

"You really think I want to spend my Christmas with my girlfriend's family and her ex-boyfriend." if your parents didn't hear him shouting before they certainly did now.

"Oh my God no, we never dated! What on earth would give you that ide-" before you could finish your sentence you realized the implications of what your mother said. "That's not what my mom meant Michael"

You stand up and grab his arm trying to bring him closer to you but he pulls away, shoving your hand away.

"No", he shouts, "don't lie to me. I see the way he looks at you."

"Michael, baby please listen to me" you plead

"Damn it, y/n, no I'm leaving!" he says before opening your bedroom door and storming out slamming it behind him.

You had tried to catch your door from slamming but you were too late, it sent a violent shiver throughout your bedroom. And the whole house if you're being honest.

Whipping the door open as fast as you can to try and catch up, chasing him down the stairs desperately pleading with him to stay and talk with you.

But you're too late. He's out the door and starting the rental car, your rental car, and peeling away.

You just stand there in utter shock, you can feel the tears fighting to escape as you watch him drive off into the distance.

This isn't the first time you've fought with your boyfriend.

It's not unusual for him to work himself up over nothing, only to then scream at you for 20 minutes and then apologize.

It's not healthy and you know that. But when you aren't fighting he is a nice guy who makes you laugh and you love him.

But you don't want to walk back inside and face your parents knowing they heard your fight.

There's one place you know they won't look for you, and that's your old tree house.

The place you spent most of your time hiding from the world.

As you make your way up the ladder you think to yourself how perfect this plan is because you know It won't be long before the guests start to arrive. And then your parents will be too distracted with hosting to bother you about Michael storming off.

You can wait it out.

What you weren't expecting was a knock on the tree house door.

"Y/n, I know you're up here. Can you please open the hatch?"

Of course, he would come to find you.

"No, Will go away! Can't you read the sign? No boys allowed"

You can hear him laughing from beneath the floorboards.

"Fair, but darling, I am more of a man though, so can you please let me in?"

He's the last person you want to see right now, yet here you are undoing the latch to the door.

You shimmy back to your little corner to make room for Will and you can't help but giggle at him bumping his head as he enters.

"Oh, is my pain funny to you?" he presses his hand to his chest feigns his hurt.

You try your hardest to fight the smile that tugs at the corners of your mouth.

"I mean you really should see yourself right now" now fully failing to hide your amusement

After some rustling around on Will's end, he was finally able to sit down despite looking so uncomfortable and out of place in your tiny childhood tree house.

"So…." Will breaks the silence

"Sooo…."

"Michael seems… interesting"

"Oh shut it, Will. You never have anything nice to say about anyone I've dated"

"Yeah, but that's because you always manage to date arseholes"

You huff, "I do not always date assholes, Will."

"What about Steven?" Will asks, raising his eyebrow

"Or that Chris guy… and Matt.. oh and that guy with Mohawk- you cut him off "okay okay I get your point. Alright? But you don't know what it's like."

"You have always been so critical of everyone I've ever introduced you to. It's not nice having your best friend tear apart every guy you bring around"

Will frowns. Knowing he's made you upset.

Why the fuck did you let him up here.

"I'm sorry, love. I wasn't trying to be mean on purpose I just-You mean so much to me, you deserve so much more than those losers"

"If I meant so much to you why did you leave me?"

The question you had asked yourself for years.

"Because Y/n, you deserve more."

Your eyes swell, desperate to keep the tears from spilling. You've been fighting these emotions for so long.

You are tired of fighting. Fighting yourself, fighting your feelings.

"Don't bullshit me Will, honest to God. I loved you, you were my best friend and the last person that I thought would abandon me."

"Y/n-" Will starts but stops his train of thought.

"I'm a massive wanker"

You're caught off guard by his choice of words, falling to suppress a giggle through your tears.

"Don't laugh, y/n I'm trying to be serious here"

"I'm a massive wanker- he begins again, "for not telling you how madly in love I was with you."

"What?"

"I was afraid it would ruin our friendship and then things got so busy with acting, always traveling and you didn't deserve that. You deserve someone who can be there for you always."

Will moves closer to you before continuing,

"But it's not only that, I wanted to tell you so many times, but the more I thought about it the more I thought about what people would say about me online I could only imagine what they would say about you, and I just couldn't put you through all that."

He pauses to take your hand into his for comfort.

"I'm sorry, I handled it poorly and shouldn't have left you the way I did."

"Will, I- I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything, it's okay I just want my best friend back. And I will understand if you say no"

"I-yeah yeah Will I think I would really like that."

You look up at him and see how wide he's beaming.

"Would you care to join me for dinner before it gets cold?"

"Yeah Will, I'd like that."

---

Later on, in the evening you texted Michael and told him to have his shit packed and out of the house before you returned later in the week.

You then spent the rest of that night, and a few more hanging out with Will. Catching each other up on everything and anything.

You felt nostalgic, you missed this. You missed him.

Despite everything that happened between you and Will it felt like a fresh start, you felt at peace with where you two were.

And who knows where this rekindled friendship will go.

#will poulter #will poulter x reader #will poulter fluff #will poulter imagine #will poulter x you

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