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immortalthunderstorm · 1 month

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The Alicent-Larys Conondrum

I'm back with some thoughts™️ on the HOTD fandom's hot topics. This time - something I've seen discussed quite a lot and what seems to be a controversial topic - the dynamic between Larys and Alicent, and mostly how a lot of the blame gets shifted onto her. There's a general tendency of overt victim blaming when it comes to Alicent herself, and often situations in which she is subjected to trauma get twisted into her own shortcomings rather than those of her perpetrators. The marriage to Viserys is one example, but the same arguments are used for her scenes with Larys.

I thought I'd try and analyse it a bit more from Alicent's perspective, though I don't disagree that the show has left this incredibly dubious at times and I really think that e.g. the foot scene was unnecessary.

Obviously Matthew Needham already provided a pretty great take on Larys as a character and his perspective on the dynamic, so I won't get into that myself here, but recommend having a listen to what he has to say.

1. Alicent should have dismissed or reported Larys after she learned of his Harrenhal stunt

I actually think it makes perfect sense that Alicent doesn't dismiss Larys despite being horrified by his actions.

The earlier episodes of the season make a point of how Alicent is isolated and lonely in the Red Keep. She says herself, she has no friends, no real allies, her former companion lied to and 'betrayed' her, got her father fired and therefore left her without her last constant family member by her side. She is heavily traumatised, forced into a marriage she doesn't want, forced to birth child after child and mostly ignored or dismissed by her ailing husband. She is queen in all but name, her job is to look appropriate, make sure the courtiers are entertained, and most of all give the king children.

Before even Criston joins her, the only person who approaches her is Larys. He seems empathetic, talks to her openly (or so she thinks), pretends to care about her as a person. This is where she is probably most vulnerable, most alone. Of course she falls for it, I don't think anyone can realistically blame her for that, she's a lonely teen forced to be a mother in what is essentially a toxic environment. Plus it is Larys who tells her of Rhaenyra's 'betrayal', which turns out to be true, so in a way he 'proves' his loyalty to her by disproving Rhaenyra's.

Later on he is the one who supports her when she vents about Rhaenyra and her bastards, they have dinners together, an honest friend and sympathetic ear in a metaphorical snakepit. And then, he goes as far as killing his own family, something that Alicent is horrified by, but it shows just how far his capabilities stretch. He has a spy network, he can get her information no one else can, information that can give her shreds of power and influence. He can make things happen without anyone ever suspecting that he, and by implication her, was involved. Larys makes himself invaluable to her and is not easily replaced.

I do disagree that she has some great power over him as a lot of people like to claim. Larys would not confide in her if that would bring him in any great danger. Realistically, accusing him would be such a wild theory, plus the absolute no go of double kinslaying, plus he's a very high ranking Lord, I'm not actually sure people would believe her - she doesn't have proof either. Viserys has absolutely not had her back ever, he has the spine of a wet slice of bread, I doubt that he'd simply put him on trial and kill him (each High Lord is an asset to the crown and if he starts "randomly" beheading people that could cause problems, like Ned Stark, like Rickard Karstark (let's put Vaemond aside here because there should have been consequences)) because Alicent said so? All that on top of Viserys' general strategy of ignoring everything that could be a "political headache" to him, my confidence in him is quite low.

And again, why would Alicent rat Larys out? He benefits her and is her main ally at court. She is shocked at how far he went, but in the end it did get rid of both Harwin and Lyonel, which caused Rhaenyra to leave and Otto to resume his position as Hand. Alicent did not condone the murders and would not have sanctioned them had he asked - but to her he is loyal beyond doubt and most importantly only to her (in her head) - later when he offers to give her Lucerys' eye she openly refuses, BUT she acknowledges how far he is willing to go for her. She'd be stupid to rat him out that would only disadvantage her.

2. The Foot Scene

Now in episode 9, Alicent is in a highly stressful situation. Aegon is to be crowned after she spent the entire day fretting he was missing or dead in a ditch somewhere, she had to fight her father and essentially most of the council not to send assassins after Rhaenyra, she had to find Aegon first to be the voice of reason to him, she is clearly distraught over Viserys death and scared for her children.

This is not the time and place for mistakes, every move has to count and nothing can slip through the cracks. Larys knows this, and he knows that he and his spies are going to be very important in the coup to come, and he knows he is the only one who can provide this. So does Alicent. She may be queen, but in actuality she wields very little power in this instance. The green council scene showed that they plotted behind her back, her father most of all, and clearly don't take her very seriously.

Essentially in episode 9, she's trying to outrace Otto and establish herself as more than a pawn. In a time where war is all but inevitable and she has enemies both outside and within the Red Keep's walls, and her children's lives are at stake - how could she refuse Larys who can provide her with valuable intelligence? By giving in to his "demands" she learns that her handmaiden is a spy which is a very important revelation.

It's hard to try and make sense of how their power dynamic switched to such extremes, we don't know whether it's happened before, in which capacity and for what. Clearly she is aware of what he wants, but how did that come up? How did this develop? We can't know so I refrain from making assumptions for any other times.

Her symbolically selling her body again for all this is a price she is willing to pay, but it doesn't make it any less of a SA (and yes, I've seen a lot of people dismissing this as consensual since she willingly took off her shoes for this. It's giving 'she asked for it'). Alicent is deeply disgusted, she can't look at him, she probably already has a very twisted view on herself and her body as something that belongs to others and he abuses that. But she indulges him because she realistically doesn't really have any other choice. He has made himself irreplaceable.

This doesn't mean it's consensual. Consent would mean that Alicent did this because she wants to, finds some enjoyment in it, and hasn't been pressured into it. But that's far from the truth. She does it because she feels like there's no other way for her to get this valuable intelligence, so she endures it despite clearly being uncomfortable and disgusted. I am so tired of everything being blamed on her just because people don't like or understand her character.

#alicent hightower #hotd #house of the dragon #larys strong #team green #pro team green #anti team black #pro alicent hightower

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capricioussun · 2 months

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How do you interpret US Papyrus? I'm always curious how others interpret him because there's a good range of them!

Ooh, in general?? Hm, I guess mostly the way I try to interpret him is sort of like if you gave UT Papyrus chronic fatigue and issues tied to having to act as the judge in his world! Which, to me, basically makes him very silly, kind, sassy, but also very insecure and very lonely.

I should explain- ough this is gunna be an essay so there'll need to be a readmore soon aha, but I should explain how the whole "judge" thing usually works in my interps!

It's not an inherent thing, or some "angel given" power, there has always been an acting Royal Judge, someone the crown had appointed that they felt they could, well, trust the judgement of, who they could consult about crimes and justice and whatnot. The prior judge Fell some years ago, but since Toriel/Asgore had already left, Asgore/Toriel never appointed another, as a sort of self punishment as well as a promise they would continue with their task of collecting the human souls without the assistance (or interference) of someone else.

That was until Sans/Papyrus came along. The "judging" effect was caused by one of the many methods Gaster used to make the brothers, involving the justice soul trait. This is where the KR came from, as well as the unique ability to "see" the sins in others' souls. After discovering this unique ability, eventually the king/queen asks Sans/Papyrus to act as the new judge (as well as some other reasons that vary depending on AU).

Now, the kr and "judge" ability manifested in Stretch much later than the sanses in non-swapped AUs, which made it a much more difficult transition that only made it much harder for him to socialize with others. He basically couldn't "turn it off", which, on top of feeling incredibly guilty about the invasion of privacy, made him feel anxious and stressed out and couldn't help but put the negative thoughts front and center in his attention, making him also feel like those were the most prominent thoughts and feelings of those around him.

So like, you know how anxiety and self image issues make you feel like everyone secretly hates you or finds you annoying or etc etc etc, basically, he had "proof" that was true, and despite trying his best to ignore it, things are already hard enough for a pre-teen/teen, on top of his physical health taking such the dip it did around that time, too, he quickly became anxiety riddled, isolated, and miserable.

Before then, he was actually a lot like Rus (UT) when he was a kid! And it was hard on Blue, too, since he was practically just a teen himself, so for all of that to land on his brother as well as needing to work harder to take care of him when he had bad health flares, things were rough for a while there.

That being said, Blue did help in keeping Stretch's mental health from completely plummeting, always trying to keep his mood up, encouraging him, trying to find him friends (how he met Undyne aka Sylv!), etc etc, and the brothers grew a lot closer in that time, as Stretch had always admired Blue, and it meant a lot to him.

That was until, of course, things never got any better. His health continued to decline into older teendom/young adulthood, and there was some personal drama here and there, especially involving Sylv, and when Blue joined the guard, that was the last straw. Stretch was sick of feeling like such a burden on everyone, so even though he'd initially turned Toriel down to act as judge (knowing his brother absolutely hated that she'd even asked him in the first place), he went back to her and accepted. That was really when the distance between the brothers started, which wasn't helped by the resets starting up soon thereafter.

(Quick aside, as he got older, he did get the hang of controlling his "judging" ability, and "turning it off" is no longer an issue for him later on)

So in his efforts to become more independent, he worked a lot on his social life and how to interact with others and make himself well liked. Sure, maybe he doesn't really have any real friends, and people forget his name all the time, but he'd finally learned how to utilize his heightened intuition to get along with people, rather than weird them out.

He’s still riddled with anxiety and self worth issues, but he’s gotten incredibly good at masking, and typically comes off as very relaxed and friendly. He’s a big fan of wordplay and very mild practical jokes (like those types of gags where you put on Groucho Marx glasses and pretend to be someone else. Blue always plays along for the bit), but he has a tendency to hold people at arms length, and tries to avoid others actually getting to know him.

Very few people know he’s the judge, and he prefers it that way, he'd rather everyone underestimate him so he never disappoints. That being said, he does still make quite an effort to help those around him without their knowledge, and he’s still lowkey very interested in engineering and computer science. Him and Rus are definitely two peas in a pod when it comes to interests, they could talk about comics for hours on end, but the primary difference is that Stretch tries much harder to hide how much he cares, where as Rus will shout it from the rooftops.

I'm not a big fan of the characterizations that make him a huge brat, sometimes even an outright jerk, I don't really understand them since neither Sans nor Papyrus are like that, but w/ my guy, he’s definitely a huge dork and sweetheart, who just also happens to be very sassy at times ahdjfjsksk

He also still holds on to his belief in others, like Rus. Even despite literally knowing better, he’s also been proven right too many times to lose that hope, which is why, in his fight, as opposed to UT Sans, he gets very quiet and looks miserable. He genuinely doesn't want to hurt them, but he knows he’s out of options. When he offers an out before the fight, he won't spring a surprise attack, and just offers a genuine hug. The player doesn't get a choice after accepting, they kill him, and his final words are pretty similar to Rus' about knowing they can do better, and he believes in them anyway, though he makes a comment about that sounding pretty stupid with a laugh before he collapses off screen.

WOW this got longer than I meant it to I'm sorry huge lore drop instead of just general facts ough BUT ! Idk, hopefully this gives a half decent feel for how I interpret him! I love him a lot I'm mixing him into a salad like a crouton <3

#ty for the ask I'm so sorry I've done this otl #but also I will say I really like the way u interpret him from what I've seen!! he still feels very Papyrus which I feel is super important #w/ the aus 👏💗#I need to draw stretch more I need to finish that sketch page of him my believe nerd boy <3 #🧡🧡🧡❕❕❕#us stretch #underswap papyrus #sun spots #op has never stops talking disorder fr ✌️😔#kiok0r0 #clear sky sunset #underswap

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mattodore · 1 month

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hiii! I hope this question doesn't come off as bad or "ill-intent" or as too personal... Im just asking out of curiosity,

What's AVPD like for you? I don't have it, but I see you mention it a lot in your tags and stuff and was wondering what it's like... A Google search doesn't necessarily help my curiosity much since it's a general definition and all disorders are and can be incredibly situational.

Thank you River in advance if you do end up answering this!

um... how to describe it... i seriously don't know a single other person who has it so it's incredibly isolating to feel so alone in that way while having a disorder that is quite literally The Isolation Disorder. there are some crossovers with other disorders for sureee, like i know my ocd and panic disorder (+ agoraphobia i thankfully moved past in my early twenties) are tied to it and only developed after the avpd got really bad when i was in my mid-teens.

for me, my problems are mostly around connections with myself (like, with myself) and others and having trouble forming them even though i want them desperately. i don't like being seen or looked at. i think about what people think about me all the time. i have to be approached first so i know that the person interacting with me already wants to be, otherwise approaching first makes me feel like i'm invading this space where i'm not invited. i'm incredibly sensitive to the slightest change in tone in conversation and if someone seems like they've lost interest in me i'm out of there. if someone doesn't show the same interest—or more interest, really—in me that i show to them then i disconnect and draw back. i have a very hard time talking to people one-on-one in private settings—hence why dms and things like discord are, like... the worst to me unless i'm being very actively sought out for conversation and then that unease settles a little. private conversations are stressful and i always feel like i'm saying the wrong thing. i'm extremely harsh with myself in all aspects. talking wears me out, because it always feels like a performance—including when i'm just doing something like this and answering an ask. it's not that i don't want to talk—i just feel like no one actually wants to listen or hear me. um. and it's this feeling of... what if i don't do it right? and what if people realize i'm just not right myself and that there's something wrong with me. feelings of inadequacy, of course. alwaysss with the inadequacy, like, it's fucking exhausting. i feel exhausting to talk to. it's not like i talk about my super depressing feelings all the time, like, it's not exhausting in that regard—it's that i'm not interesting and people don't want to talk to me when they could be talking to literally anyone else... um. so, yeah... the inadequacy. even posting on this blog, like, even just reblogging a post stresses me out sometimes. i just always feel like i have to keep up this image of myself or everyone will lose interest or think i'm pathetic (yikes !). i don't like talking about the way i really feel about anything because that invites personal judgment. i'm embarrassed about everything. my whole life. this narrow existence that i inhabit because of the avpd and the way it's made me shrink.

my biggest thing is that i isolate. all the time. sometimes it's for a few days, or weeks, or months (the worst was six months...). it's not just from people—i isolate from everything. i pull away from people and my hobbies and my interests and i spiral. there are a lot of very bad thoughts i have when i isolate and i'm better at handling it now but when i was a teenager it was really bad. it's like... it's suffocating. i can't think about relationships without crying sometimes. um... it's just very lonely. i've only ever had two real friends my whole life—one of which i'd only had for two-and-a-half years before my disorder fucked me up and i got too sensitive about something they were saying about me and fled. i can't form connections and i'm not a good friend. i'm not saying that lightly—i can't keep in constant contact and i can't open up very well and i am overly sensitive to everything. it's the worst. it's ruined my life.

this is why i don't talk about it lmaooo uhhhh. it's the worst of my little mental health issues or whatever that i have because it's effected my whole life and no one in my life understands it and i don't know anyone else like me. it's just... yeah. it's just very lonely.

#river dipping #asks #anonymous #cw negative #<- just in case lmao #i'm not very talkative abt what it's like bc . the nature of the disorder . . . makes me feel incredibly embarrassed and pathetic #abt like... voicing any feelings lmao uhhh.#but there are tags you can go through like ''actuallyavoidant'' and ''actuallyavpd'' to see what other ppl w/ it say abt it #it's not social anxiety btw... that's very different #the isolation is so bad i pulled out of public school for online as a teenager and i narrowed my life down to my family and no one else #avpd in general is just.#well.#it ruins your life idk what else to say #i'm not like. anxious about social situations or public speaking or whatever #i can talk to strangers just fine and without fear #like... it's very different #it's my whole life #and it's like... it's hating yourself. like truly. at the core of yourself... um... and just being embarrassed about who you are #yk.................................. the normal stuff 😁

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hoshibait · 1 year

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Can you give us some hcs about both of their families?

OOOOH!!! i haven’t thought too much about the details of their family’s personal lives, but i can sure try!

tw for unhealthy family relationships, transphobia, and sui ideation for blumiere:

blumiere didn’t really grow up in the best environment. his mother died by the hands of humans early on in his childhood, so he was stuck with a traumatized and likely also mentally ill father. (who totally was the stereotypical dad that claims there’s “nothing wrong with him” even though his parenting said the exact opposite) born to be the princess of the tribe of darkness, only to find out in his teen years that he was transmasc. he remained closeted for a while due to already not having the best relationship with his father and family in general. it wasn’t often that anything physical was involved, (although it did happen in extreme cases) but a lot of the mistreatment was emotional and verbal, growing up in a strict and unloving, cold household. his father, while hesitant, accepted blumiere’s identity when it was revealed, but it was clear he wasn’t the most supportive.

blumiere was an only child, but had a lot of extended family living in the main household. despite this, he was very lonely. due to his trauma, he developed a lot of mental issues and had a history of unstable friendships and relationships in general with other people in the tribe (people who weren’t a part of his family were also in the tribe, so it wasn’t all just family members) he eventually grew up with the mentality that he’s too much to handle and isn’t deserving of any loving and healthy relationships. despite being very awkward and not understanding many social cues, blumiere can get weirdly eccentric and impulsive, almost charming. (which is foreshadowing to him eventually adopting the eccentric count bleck persona) he developed unhealthy and risky habits and often got himself into dangerous situations.

it was always a weird dilemma for blumiere, because well, in his mind, *it could be worse, right?* he didn’t really see himself as a victim. it wasn’t uncommon for him to be in the middle of family fights and altercations either. (his father with blumiere’s aunts and uncles mostly) he was always tired of the noise, so he eventually developed the habit of getting out of the castle and exploring nature and the outside world in general. blumiere grew to love and cherish the world despite how hard things were for him in his personal life.

blumiere’s father was always obsessed with the idea of his son being “destined to destroy all worlds.” blumi always just went along with it despite how weird and wrong it felt. because well, as much as he loves the outside world, what else is there in store for him? his relationships always failed, he’s abused at home, what is there to exactly live for? even the most beautiful, sunny days can’t make his struggles go away.

maybe it’s better if he destroyed himself.

as for timpani. she didn’t have a horrid upbringing, hell, not even that bad. both of her parents loved her enough, but that’s the thing, was it enough?

her parents were always off working for the family. so timpani grew up kind of independent. it did affect her mental growth in the long run. often under the idea that she was just meant to be isolated and responsible, work only pays off when you overwork yourself.

she wasn’t as lonely as blumiere, she had close extended family such as cousins, aunts and uncles. besides that, she grew up quite reserved, kind of like the stereotypical weird kid who was very observant and intelligent and spoke quietly, almost robotic. look what i’m saying is that timpani was your classic case of an autistic girl growing up. as i said though, her parents loved her when they could. they didn’t treat her any different when it was revealed she was intersex, and supported her as much as they could when she came out as transfem in her preteen years.

she also developed the habit of being out of the house a lot and exploring the outside world. which was how she gained as much knowledge she’d eventually have when she became a pixl, using her tattle ability to give information on the world around her.

timpani often feels ungrateful and guilty for feeling as though a part of her was empty, or a huge part of her childhood was missing. her parents supported her, she should feel lucky, right? still though, why did growing up feel so lonely?

and now for miscellaneous tidbits of information

- blumiere is of french descent. (duh) he is a transmasc nonbinary lesbian who uses he/they/it pronouns. he’s autistic and has borderline personality disorder and bipolar.

- timpani is afro-latina, and is of venezuelan descent. she is an intersex transfem who uses she/they pronouns. she’s also autistic and struggles with depression and anxiety.

sorry if i got off topic! i always get in a tangent when i talk about these two T_T

#💌#special interest #paper mario #super paper mario #count bleck #tippi #lord blumiere #blumiere #lady timpani #blupani #kinda?#tw ab*se #ask

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thisbuildinghasfeelings · 1 year

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What do you think about Carlos' sisters and the dynamic between them all? When I headcanon-ed sisters for Carlos I originally made him the youngest but that was mostly because I wanted him being a tio and I'm not really sold on the idea. It could be either way or I can see him be in the middle even. The only thing I am now pretty sold on is that either way there must be a significant age difference between them, otherwise they would have meddled in Carlos' life instead of allowing him to feel so lonely and isolated that he chose to marry a woman, but if they were still tweens/young teens or already in college or something it would make more sense.

In favour of them being older we have the comparison thing of his parents being interested in their boyfriends while never asking him about his (though I don't remember if it was ever mentioned there being something to compare, and that thing in any case could easily be filled by older cousins); and the pressure he felt over marrying, especially if at least one of them was married. That though raises the question of how had Carlos not known how his mum would act when there was wedding planning involved.

In favour of them being younger we have the mention of their quinceanera as the reference for the wedding cake he and TK wanted, and not anything else, which seems odd otherwise.

As for him feeling pressured to be prefect I don't think it would make a difference what order he was born in, since he's the only son which warrant a certain set of expectations. Also I think he's just wired that way, to a point at least, searching constantly for people's approval.

I've always thought Carlos either had older sisters or was an only child. Because of this, I have a hard time picturing him now with younger sisters. I agree that the pressure put on Carlos/the pressure he puts on himself isn't necessarily affected by whether his sisters are younger or older. Like you said, he's the only son and he's also just wired that way. Unless we find out differently, I think I have to imagine them as older sisters because that's how I've always thought about it.

We know so little about the Reyes sisters and the likelihood that we will ever find out much of substance about them is not high. That means the possibilities are almost endless when it comes to why they apparently didn't get more involved in Carlos' life. Of course, there's the possibility that they're terrible sisters, but I'm not even going to consider that without having evidence that this is the case. Maybe they aren't close with Carlos. This isn't really my head canon, but maybe they're much older and so aren't very in tune with what's going on in his life.

One potential scenario could be that Carlos didn't come out to his sisters, or at least not until much later. Carlos came out to his parents when he was 17. His older sisters would probably be in their 20s and likely would have moved away from home, or at least would be living somewhere else for college. Carlos got a complete non-reaction from his parents and felt deeply that he had disappointed them. I could see Carlos then not wanting to come out to his sisters, perhaps fearing a similar or worse reaction. And if Andrea and Gabriel weren't talking to Carlos about it, I could see them not talking to their daughters about it either. In that case, it's possible that Carlos could have married Iris without his sisters knowing that he's gay.

Or another possible scenario could be that Carlos did come out to his sisters but did not confide in them about how deeply he was hurting, or about his intention to marry Iris. We already know that good communication is not a strong Reyes family trait. We also know that Carlos is someone who wants to appear strong and in control and is not particularly likely to talk about his feelings, especially negative feelings. In fact, he was probably even worse with communication when he was younger. Maturity and opening up through his relationship with TK have likely helped him get a tiny bit better in that area. When Carlos decided to marry Iris, I could see him just going ahead and doing it and informing his family after the fact. At that point, his sisters may have just done their best to support him by accepting his decision. After all, they were raised by Gabriel and Andrea, who tried to support Carlos by simply pretending nothing had changed and never mentioning it again. You'd hope that his sisters might have been able to do better than that, but maybe they made the same mistakes as their parents.

There's also the possibility that Carlos came out to his sisters and they were loving and supportive, but it wasn't enough for Carlos because he still felt disappointment from his parents. I have a hard time believing that loving and supportive sisters would condone Carlos' marriage to Iris before the fact, so even in this scenario, I think I have to assume he didn't tell them about it until he was already married. Then, at that point, what could they do? Carlos soon realized that the marriage wasn't a good idea. Perhaps part of that came from discussions with his sisters.

I think it's most likely that we will never get any storyline involving Carlos' sisters. A throwaway line here and there is probably the best we'll ever get. However, I do hope we'll see them at the wedding and/or get at least a couple more tidbits of information about them. Their names at the very least! I feel like (unless the wedding happens in some kind of spontaneous scenario because of some kind of disaster/emergency) Carlos' sisters have to be at the wedding. Otherwise, why even have Carlos mention their existence?

I have a strong feeling that the show is never going to give us details of exactly what happened when Carlos married Iris or what the Reyes family dynamics surrounding this were like. Because of that, we can probably come up with whatever scenario feels most plausible to us and it will likely never be contradicted by canon. Personally, I'm not quite sure where I'm landing on this yet. I need more time to think about it.

#answered ask #lone star speculation

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kaoarika · 1 year

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Co-related to the other post is the fact that I think one of the things that I came with today is some frustration I have.

(kinda gets personal, sorry)

I don’t think this is my first time writing about this, but one of the frustrating things at my age (now in my early 30s) is the fact that I don’t have friends IRL to be silly with, even if it is to discuss my dumb grievances of my silly boring daily life with them.

It’s not like I thought my late 20s or early 30s to be fairly exciting, but I also didn’t expect everything come off like this and I feel like I’m getting worse with my introverted nature these days.

My psychologist recently asked me if I thought the pandemic was sort of a bless and about me being “isolated” at home and all I could respond was “no”, even though I didnt’ have much time to elaborate on why (although to be fair, it was mostly about the whole working environment and what not... but, let’s be real... socializing in a work environment at least is something, I guess, or so I think).

I really wish I had more friends around my age, that kinda understand me and I wish I had someone else to be silly with (I only have my brother, and, I do understand where he goes with me being kinda annoying from time to time, but... we are siblings, that’s how siblings are and do).

It was... quite embarrassing how introverted I was feeling when I went out and bought manga. At my age. Understandable if I was a teenager (and I did so when I was a teen!)... but not 15 years later???? I was kinda envious of the few ppl going in the shop with their friends or partners and them talking about the series they liked an so and so... and there was me, staring at these shelf thinking in what I really wanted to buy although I was so on on my whole “you already know what you want to buy” kind of deal, but I felt so awkward... and bad about it...

I know it’s not wrong to not do small talk with the clerks and what not... but there was a part of me that wish I did. I am not sure if it was just me craving from some social interaction with someone else... or what, really. I felt... so out of place and lonely (I also should have asked about the box, *kicking myself*) in some way, even if I know I’m not exactly “hip” with whatever is “in” these days, lol.

I just... felt too embarrassed... and I was soo frustrated about it as a whole.

I just wish making friends at my age was easier. I think that was one of those things I was expecting from working again on field back when I decided it was one of my goals on 2020, but growing frustrated (as well) of my career choice due to lots of personal reasons besides the obvious of what happened then, truly made me socially inept, too, ig.

I’m really looking for a chance to give this a 180° turn, tbh... but it’s also not really quick, either.

It also makes me sad, who am I kidding, lol.

(I don’t complain much about my yo/ga classes, since I know that one of the reasons I got in there was much about talking or doing smth else with other ppl that wasn’t my family and doing so outside my house... but aside from that, and while I am friendly with them... it’s not the same because I feel like I’m being “friends” with ladies that are around my mom’s age -or older than her- in general. Not a complaint, per se... but it’s not the same. The few younger ones around my age sometimes go there in days I don’t frequent to go, so, yeah).

#kao's nonsenses #...

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phantomchick · 3 years

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Merlin fic rec list

To Be A King by clotpolesonly Teen And Up, No Archive Warnings Apply, Gen, Merlin and Arthur, Merlin and Mordred, Gwen/Arthur, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Merlin's Magic Revealed, Canonical Character Death, BAMF Merlin, Dragonlord Merlin, Original setting, Magical kingdom, King Merlin, Royal!Merlin Summary: When Merlin discovers that his father was an estranged prince and he himself is now the only heir to the throne of a magical kingdom, he is forced to leave Camelot for the perils of a royal court. Will Merlin be able to win Arthur's favor again before Morgana launches an attack on a defenseless Camelot? Will he be able to defend his own kingdom at the same time or will all be lost? -

A Matter of Sovereignty by Kizmet Gen, No Archive Warnings Apply, Friendship Summary A visiting prince takes it into his head to brutalize Merlin, but sometimes the solution to a problem is in how you phrase it.

Bumps and Bruises by platonic_boner merthur, implied/suspected abuse, Protective Arthur, Magic Revealed, pre-relationship, teen an up, canon typical violence,

Summary: Arthur notices Merlin’s constant injuries, and decides he needs to step in and protect Merlin.

Finding Home by riventhorn Arthur/Merlin, Hurt/Comfort Summary: Written for a kinkme_merlin prompt. When Gaius retires a new physician takes over and quickly kicks Merlin out of his room and takes it for himself. Arthur finds Merlin sleeping in the stables...and it's winter.

How To Love A Living Thing by Polomonkey Mature, merthur, Merlin/Arthur, Pendragon (Merlin), Hurt/Comfort, Abuse, Violence, Sexual Harassment, Drowning, Guilt, Romance, Protective Arthur, Mild Sexual Content, Redemption, Healing, Canon Era

Summary Guilt ridden and lonely after his confrontation with Nimueh, Merlin slowly begins to isolate himself from Arthur. When two knights take it upon themselves to teach him his place, Merlin finds himself with nowhere to turn. Will he be able to reach out to his prince before it's too late?

Obeisance by casspeach Gen, No Archive Warnings Apply, Merlin/Arthur

Summary: It's not that Arthur won't share his toys, just that he expects to get them back undamaged

All's Well That Ends Well by StormDancer explicit, Merlin/Arthur, Arthur Finds Out, magic reveal Summary: Merlin spent the week and a half that Arthur was gone splitting his time between crafting careful explanations that never ended up explaining the important things, the things that would make Arthur listen, and making half-baked plans to escape to Ealdor. He found a number of fire-proofing spells that would have no effect if they decided to cut his head off, and figured out how to adapt an invulnerability spell he had been trying to find a way to cast on Arthur without him noticing so that it would protect him from being decapitated, but it would have no effect on anything but metal. Despite all his frantic searching, he did not find a teleportation spell, because that would have been too simple and if there was one thing Merlin had learned in his years at Camelot, it was that nothing was ever simple.

Deeds by the5leggedCricket Merlin/Arthur Pendragon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Episode Related, Oblivious Arthur Pendragon, Teen and Up,

Summary: Arthur is coming of age, and that means he’s about to get Deeds—marks on his body telling him of his soulmate’s greatest accomplishments. But as he tries to find his soulmate, he also makes some worrying discoveries about the kind of person his soulmate is.

Honorable Intentions by smilebackwards Gwaine/Merlin, Guinevere/Arthur Pendragon, Courtship, Protectiveness, Protective!Arthur, Teen and Up, Summary: There are several considerations Arthur would like to go over, starting with the state of Merlin's virtue.

Laundry's Hard Work by supercalvin Gen, Teen and Up, Canon Era, can be read as pre-slash, BAMF Merlin

Summary: Wasn't Merlin supposed to be...tiny? When the hell had he learned to use a sword and not fall on his backside? Where the hell did those scars from? What the hell?

or Arthur still thinks Merlin is the young boy he met ten years ago and he starts to notice things in his manservant that he wasn't aware had changed at all.

Fathom Me Out by supercalvin Merlin/Arthur, Canon Era, Magic Revealed, Teen and up,

Summary: After ten years, Arthur thinks he has Merlin all figured out. But as he watches Merlin, he finds out that he has more questions than answers. The longer he thinks about it, the more uneasy he feels. So he pushes it aside. Except, he can no longer ignore the questions he has about Merlin. Not your everyday reveal!fic

Loyalty Before Royalty by CaffeinatedFlumadiddle Gen, Gwen & Merlin, Arthur and Merlin being the most iconic duo? I think tf not, Gwen and Merlin wreaking havoc? Teaming up against Arthur? That's the most iconic duo there, as usual, Explicit Language, Fluff and Humor, Attempt at Humor, Arthur is so exasperated, someone help him, good thing he loves them both

Summary: "Where did you get that?" Arthur asked, but he already knew the answer. "Gwen." "...and the horse?" "Gwen." "What about the-" "Gwen." Merlin interrupted. Arthur nodded. At this point, he wasn't sure why he even bothered to ask. He was pretty certain his wife was going to knight Merlin any day now.He looked Merlin up and down for a few moments before accepting it all with a sigh. "As long as you get my armor to me tomorrow...I don't care." He finally said, turning away. Merlin cleared his throat. "Gwen gave me tomorrow off." "For the love of God." Or I hate that Gwen and Merlin's friendship kind of withered away in the later seasons so here's a oneshot about her and Merlin abusing her new royal powers because that's what happens when your best friend becomes queen.

Know It All Knight by Shi_Toyu Leon & Merlin, Knights of the Round Table, Magic Revealed, protective leon, Arthur Finds Out, Oblivious Arthur

Summary: Leon couldn’t say for sure when the exact moment was that he figured out Merlin had magic. He’d suspected it for a little while, to be honest. He definitely had it figured out by the time Arthur managed to ‘kill’ the Great Dragon. What Leon could say for sure was the exact moment he figured out that no one else had figured out Merlin had magic.

The Nature of Trust by Lynds Merlin's Magic Revealed, Leon is the Mam Friend, Leon is so done, Protective Gwaine, Lancelot Lives, Canon Era, Arthur Finds Out, Hurt Merlin, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Canon-Typical Violence, reference to hunting and cooking animals Summary: Leon starts to notice that the knights, one by one, are starting to trust Merlin's judgement. That he keeps warning Arthur about danger, and being right. Is there more to Merlin than meets the eye?

Repercussions by PeaceHeather Fix-It of Sorts, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Lecture, Rants, Episode: s02e06 Beauty and the Beast, Episode: s02e05 Beauty and the Beast, Canon Era, One Shot, Gen Summary: Uther married a troll. In canon, that all worked out fine eventually. In this slight canon divergence, there is at least one noble who's not willing to let it slide so easily.

No Harm Will Come to You Here by fancyh Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Season/Series 05, Merlin's Magic Revealed, Fluff and Angst, temporary amnesia, teen and up,

Summary: "That was magic," Arthur accuses.

"Oh." Merlin just nods, looking unperturbed.

Arthur fights to keep his expression calm, mind racing and heart pounding. "Sorcery is outlawed in Camelot. On pain of death."

Merlin splutters, finally fixing Arthur with an affronted glare. "It's not like I meant to do it!"

***

Merlin gets hit with a spell meant for Arthur and loses his memory. Revelations ensue. Set sometime after 5x02.

Metamorphose by clotpolesonly Merlin/Arthur, Teen and Up, Between Seasons/Series, Episode: s03e01 The Tears of Uther Pendragon (Part I), Episode: s03e02 The Tears of Uther Pendragon (Part II), Mpreg, Magic Reveal, Angst with a Happy Ending, Pining, morgana redemption, some transphobic language from Merlin when he finds out he’s pregnant because of magic but it’s mostly just the shock that does it Summary: When Merlin falls into bed with Arthur, he doesn't expect for to wake up alone. He doesn't expect Arthur to give him the cold shoulder either, but there is something else he expects even less which forces him out of the kingdom for over a year. He returns to find a traitor in the court, an army on the way, and a love he'd thought all but lost waiting for him with open arms.

Four Days To Fall In Love. by CupCakezys Teen and Up, No archive warnings apply, Merlin/Arthur, Morgana/Gwen, Soulmate AU, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic, Protective Arthur, Mutual Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, Secret Relationship

Summary: In a world where everyone has a soulmate (or two or three), Arthur Pendragon knows he is destined to be alone. For Arthur can see his heartstring, could follow it to where his soulmate lived, and that could only mean one thing.

His soulmate had magic, and should they ever meet, Arthur would have to kill them.

Sacrificial Lamb by RurouniHime Angst and Humor, Pining, First Time, First Kiss, Post Season 1, Initial Misunderstanding, But it’s resolved, Happy Ending, Fluff with a touch of angst at first

Summary: Arthur's been overworking his knights, so they come to Merlin as a last resort.

Cheers and Spirits by CaffeinatedFlumadiddle Gen, The knights are kinda fools, but the best king, Humour, Fluff, Fluff and Humour, Knights of the Round Table & Merlin

Summary: Despite all the supposed trips to the tavern none of the knights have seen Merlin drunk. They decide to rectify that. A poor decision, really.

Circle 'round the Truth by enviropony Merlin + Knights friendship, Gen, Magic Reveal, Oneshot, Knights of the Round Table & Merlin Summary: They know about the magic. Or, more accurately, Merlin's magic is the truth the knights circle around, and Merlin's loyalty is the one 'round which they rally. (A character study with some yelling, an action sequence, and a bit of walking.) Post-S4.

Strict Justice by schweet_heart mutual pining, BAMF Arthur, magic reveal, canon au, oneshot, teen and up

Summary: After a particularly grueling battle, Merlin and Arthur share a quiet moment in their tent.

before it breaks by schweet_heart Teen and Up, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, merlin whump, magic reveal, merlin & arthur, merthur

Summary: “It’s not what it looks like,” he says, hand still outstretched, barely a waver in his voice as he lies, outright, to Arthur’s face. “Sire, I can explain.”

“Can you,” Arthur says. He’s aware that he’s trembling, a seismic reaction to the outrage and denial still fighting it out inside his head, but he knows what he’s seen. What it must be. “Well, then, you’d better be quick about it, because it looks a lot like magic.”

Until the Day I Die by Cookie Teen and Up, Oneshot, Angst, Temporary Character Death, Angst with a Happy Ending

Summary: Arthur believed Dragoon had killed his father, and so he plunged his sword deep into the sorcerer. Now Merlin was dying in his arms and Arthur was facing the future alone.

These Castle Walls Bleed Lies by marguerite_26 Mature, hurt/comfort, Magic Reveal, Angst, Merthur, mentions of arthur/gwen, Gwen/Lancelot

Summary: With his father unfit to rule and Camelot decimated, Arthur must assume the role of King. But the truths he discovers shake the foundation of all he holds dear.

before his eyes (he now sees clear) by hwc Teen And Up Audiences, Uther Pendragon is terrible and complicated, Merlin/Arthur

Summary: It takes Uther half a second to see Balinor in Merlin, and he's almost sure of what he should do.

Keep Your Secrets by new_kate, orphan_account Mature, rape/non-con, torture, captivity, romance, alternate universe - canon, canon typical violence, hurt/comfort

Summary: Arthur Pendragon is captured by the bandits. While he waits to be ransomed, he slowly gets to know Merlin, the prisoner being held in the next cell.

Crossing the Line by Ultrageekatlarge BAMF Merlin, Gen, Crack, Oneshot, Magic Reveal, Hurt! Merlin, Humour

Summary: In which Merlin gets bludgeoned, strangled, attacked, smothered, shot with glass, and tossed out a window, burned, whipped, stabbed, thrown down stairs, nearly drowned on dry land, and harpooned, and still manages to save Camelot from seven evil sorcerers, before lunch.

Your Touch Is My Salvation by elirwen Magic Reveal, Canon Era, Oblivious idiots in love, Curses, Teen and Up, Oneshot, Hurt/Comfort

Summary: Merlin suffers from an effect of a curse. Arthur can help more than he initially thought.

A Heavy Heart to Carry by Thursday_Next Rescue, Hurt/Comfort, Magic Reveal, Oneshot, Mature, Merlin/Arthur Pendragon

Summary: When Merlin is captured and injured, Arthur must face up to his own feelings for his manservant as well as the many secrets he discovers are being kept from him.

Can you do that? by no_nutcracker Merlin/Mithian, no archive warnings apply, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode: s04e11 The Hunter's Heart, Arthur & Merlin friendship

Summary: Merlin should be overjoyed. He just found his soulmate. If only she was not betrothed to Arhur.

His Remedy for Care by ArgentSleeper Teen and Up, canon au, Episode: s02e13 The Last Dragonlord, Angst, Canon Typical Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Fix It

Summary: Injured in the dragon attack in lieu of Arthur and afraid of being stopped from going on the mission, Merlin kept away from Gaius and never learned that Balinor was his father. Instead it's Arthur that puts two and two together as he seeks the dragonlord out, first to save his servant (not friend- they can't be friends), then to save his kingdom.

A Considerable Head Start by ughbutidontwantto BAMF Merlin, Gen, when villains have more regard for you than friends, Camelot has a serious class problem, Merlin deserves better

Summary: Merlin is frighteningly competent and his friends are correctly concerned. Obviously they're going to follow him out to the woods. And obviously they're not going to like what they hea

The Conscience of the King by ughbutidontwantto Gen, Post-Magic Reveal, Legal Drama, Oneshot, Friendship feels

Summary: Merlin's magic was revealed and now everyone has to deal with it in an official capacity since tragically most of these characters work in government. Arthur, predictably, is struggling to cope.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind by BabyStepsAreStillSteps Merlin Deserved Better, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Merlin Needs a Hug (Merlin), Episode: s05e09 With All My Heart, Fix It

Summary: When Arthur turned his back on the Dolma that he didn’t know was his manservant, Merlin reminded him that he was missing a very important member of their rescue party.

What if he hadn’t?

What They Owe Us by ironspidereilish Merlin/Arthur, Alternate Universe, Aredian’s a tax collector instead of a witch hunter but he’s still a bastard, Hurt/Comfort, Poverty, Angst with a Happy Ending, Protective Arthur Pendragon, BAMF Arthur, Canon Era, Romance, sexual coercion mentioned, BAMF Merlin

Summary: When Arthur finds out that the castle staff are having their wages held for weeks at a time and can no longer afford food or their homes, he will not rest until they are protected and Aredian is stopped.

The fact that Merlin’s stomach is rumbling while he delivers the prince his breakfast, and Arthur hates the thought of him suffering, only serves as extra motivation to fix this.

royal blood by Rona23 crack!fic, humour, comedy, Balinor Lives, Dragonlord things, Golden Age, Bamf Arthur, Bamf Balinor, Bamf Merlin, Fix It, Magic reveal, Oblivious Arthur, Merthur

Summary: ..... as if Balinor could be killed by Bandits O.o

Alternatively: An alternative take on Balinor surviving and saving Camelot. ... And then proceeding to hold the entire kingdom hostage, because he has a frigging Dragon at his disposal :)

- The way by Naelyn Episode: s04e11 The Hunter's Heart, POV Arthur Pendragon, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Oblivious Arthur, Until He’s Not, Hurt/Comfort, Merlin Deserved Better, Communication or lack thereof, Canon Divergence

Summary: "One more word out of you, and I swear to God I will send you into exile."

He knows it’s not the pyre, knows there’s much worse, but banishment would mean staying away from Arthur forever – and, as pathetic as that might sound, he thinks he would rather die than let that happen. It is clear that the feeling is not reciprocated, clear that in Arthur’s eyes, he will never come first. There’ll always be people coming before him, and he’s made peace with that long ago – but if even Agravaine can come before him, then anyone could, no? Anyone could replace him. Call Merlin a traitor and have Arthur get rid of him. Anyone could.

Merlin no longer feels safe in Camelot.

or: Arthur threatens Merlin of banishment. To Arthur's eyes, it's all forgotten. To Merlin's, however... Well, let's just say that his faith in their mutual destiny, once unwavering, finds itself faltering at a dangerously quick rate.

Better in the Mourning by CaffeinatedFlumadiddle Gen, Lancelot & Merlin, Knights of the Round Table & Merlin, Grief, Fluff and Angst, Gwen/Lance mentioned, let the characters grieve, 5 Knights of Grief

Summary: Merlin mourns Lancelot's death. The rest of the knights help out. (AKA Merlin gets to take advantage of not having to keep a dead loved one a secret and gets some goddamn support in this castle)

I suppose that I look different (without the robes and crown) by WingedWolf121 Canon Era, Episode: s05e03 The Death Song of Uther Pendragon, Uther Pendragon’s A + Parenting, Ygraine/Uther, Arthur/Merlin, Balinor/Hunith, Dragonlord Merlin, BAMF Merlin, Fix-It, Angst with a Happy Ending

Summary: When Arthur blows the horn of Cathbdhah for the second time, the horn doesn’t just send Uther to the other world. It sends Arthur away as well – to a world where Ygraine never died, the Great Purge never happened, and magic lives freely at court. As do those who practice it.

For Your Information by reni_days Merlin & Uther, Merlin/Arthur, Modern Era au, Oneshot, Teen and Up

Summary: Merlin sighs. "After your...announcement," he explains, "your father decided he needed a bit more information. Which is apparently where I come in. I'm sort of like his gay tutor, it's hard to explain."

Good Fortune by platonic_boner Canon Era, Fluff, Merlin/Arthur, Oneshot

Summary: Arthur makes Merlin a lord, and Merlin does an astonishingly good job of running a village.

Within Reach by foxy_mulder Explicit, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Sex, Merlin/Arthur, Angst with a Happy Ending, Oneshot, Slowburn

Summary: Nobody touches Arthur.

Merlin realizes it slowly, and when he does, he wants to kick himself for not seeing sooner. ___________ (Or, Arthur and Merlin's relationship with touch over time.)

Moment of Weakness by TheAsexualofSpades Gen, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic, Protective Knights, Protective Arthur Pendragon, Protective Merlin, Whump, Oneshot, Merlin/Arthur

Summary: After all Merlin's gone through, you'd think it would take some world-ending magic spell or an almost successful attempt on Arthur's life to shake him properly.

It isn't one of those, and Merlin has no idea why.

He just knows he can't be weak.

The Only Reward Bestowed Upon Me by greatdumbking Gen, Oneshot, Merlin/Arthur, angst, hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, Episode: s04e05 His Father's Son, Fix-It, Agravaine, Canon Era, Love Confessions

Summary: “You’re wrong Merlin. I don’t need anyone. I can’t afford that luxury. The kingdom's my responsibility now, and mine to bear alone. And you must learn to accept that.”

How could this hurt so much, a third time? Merlin could feel the façade of his casual indifference faltering. His face fell, tears were clawing at his throat, creeping into his eyes. It took all his effort to nod, steel his eyes, and swallow down the rising sob.

(How did Merlin get chosen the be the bait? Why did Arthur start pushing Merlin away? Why couldn't he see how much it was hurting him?)

Maybe Not the Most Awkward Dinner to Happen in Camelot's Citadel, but it's Definitely Up There by HopePrevails Gen, Gwen/Arthur Pendragon, Merlin, Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Oneshot, Humour, past Gwen/Merlin

Summary: When an argument about whether Merlin is remotely attractive or not breaks out over dinner, Queen Guinevere accidentally drops into the conversation that she had a crush on him when he first arrived in Camelot. Arthur takes it... like Arthur.

--x--

“Don’t look so surprised, Merlin.” Gwen said kindly. Perhaps she was the psychic. “You’re sweet and gentle, charismatic-” Arthur snorted. “- and I’m not going to let you walk out of those doors thinking you don’t look the part, either. Remember, even when you first came to Camelot, I-” She stopped herself, snapping her lips tightly shut.

#art by mushroomtale-fanart #their stuff is great #Merlin fic recs #merlin fic rec #merlin (tv)#merlin #arthur pendragon #bbc merlin #bbc merlin fic recs #merlin emrys #fic rec list #fic recs #51 fics total

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 3 years

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yknow while this hellsite continues on the whole religion discussion thing, i’d like to jump in on it with my experience particularly with leaving catholic school.

like aside from my angsty pop-punk/emo etc teen phase (which’ll obvs be weaved into story later on) that led me to have different views from the church and aside from the whole sexism thing that i endured over my year 10 formal/junior prom in 2010 and 2011 from staff there….. i found it within myself incredibly hard to leave there… mostly because i’d known literally 1/3 of my year group at catholic school since kindy/kindergarten or some other point in primary school.

this affected my choice to leave and it was quite tumultuous inwardly. knowing the safety and predictably of the people i was with for all those years was a comfort to me. i knew their parents due to parent mixer bbqs that we’d have after mother’s day and father’s day liturgies- although i hated the mother’s day ones mostly, due to personal reasons. but to leave that comfortable place for overly loyal, kinda sorta shy (although everyone who knew me at that school wouldn’t’ve described me as shy bc i was a very loud show off because of drama class 😅) and by year 10, very lonely, highly socially anxious and depressed, teen me was terrifying. it meant losing her friends and stability and she obvs hated that thought. it meant leaving the one one place she ever felt good at something, drama class.

obviously, after she did leave for public school, she visited the catholic school on a few separate occasions, to try and keep the connection “alive” or whatever the fuck she wrote in a fake deep status on her fb (that i now get in my fb memories every year lmao). but it all ended pretty badly, when everyone from that school stopped talking to her once high school finished. no one invited her out. or if people did try to invite her out, like a couple of people did, it always fell through…. and it made her feel like she was just a bad luck charm or whatever other low self esteem talk she was telling herself. there was quite a few moody statuses around that too lmao.

but yeah. leaving catholic school was a massive thing for me back then, because even though i hadn’t gone to church on sunday for literal Y E A R S at that point; i still had a strong pull to that school because i’d known SO MANY kids at that school from primary/elementary/grade etc school, regardless of their year group level. because if there’s one thing catholic school was good at, it was networking 😂. you knew everyone, and everyone knew you. it was safe, it was sound, so i didn’t want to leave.

but once you leave, you lose your friends and what almost felt like an extended family (although they obvs weren’t). but at the same time, i’d grown to hate the safety and almost insularity of the school, because as i mentioned earlier, you felt like you could predict how people would react or behave in class/events etc.

i felt the above distinctly, because as i’ve mentioned plenty on here, from years 7-10 i was a very emotionally demonstrative kid. in some classes (mostly religion and PE when i was bothered to participate) i’d end up in shouting matches with the teacher or other students…. or y’know just have a casual meltdown in the middle of class, which many people saw as “attention seeking” behaviour. i felt watched, i felt ready to snap, and to quote the ever present All Time Low i felt like the bridge lyrics from “therapy” (which was/is quite obviously somewhat partially about the price of fame and hollywood imo- but that went over teen me’s head at the time lmao):

“arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to, they’re better off without you (better off without you). arrogant boy, cause a scene like you’re supposed to, they’ll fall asleep without you; you’re lucky if your memory remains”

like yes. i’ll admit those bridge lyrics being applied to this time is rather overdramatic, in hindsight, but hey. that was teen me for ya lmao. and don’t even get me started on applying ATL’s song “sick little games” to this at the time as well 😂😅. anyway. from all the “lms and i’ll tell you what i like about you” trend statuses that people were doing back then on fb, i’d gained the tag of “cool/chill girl”, my crush rich boy, once called me “outrageous” because of how loud i was and how willing in years 7-9 to scream out stupid song lyrics like “i want to fuck dog in the ass” by blink 182, fight song by marilyn manson and then idek probably my humps by black eyed peas at the top my lungs through the very few halls that that school had 😂😅. i was being purposely and annoyingly offensive most of the time.

but eventually, once it came to things like one of the girls in my group wanting to run for vice school captain and the other girls in my group A L W A Y S being given leadership positions (LPs)….. while i always had to apparently “repent” my behaviour by being made (in theory from my teachers) to sit alone at lunch because of my “embarrassing” and “unseemly” behaviour at the so-called “training”/ “retreat” days we had for things like being peer support leaders for the new cohort of year 7s etc etc. i felt like everyone was just waiting for me to leave…. and that they couldn’t stand my “embarrassing” presence and that i’d ruin my friends chances of being selected as co-captain or whatever other bullshit LPs they wanted to run for. but still. i felt like i couldn’t leave. just. how do you leave a bunch of people that you’ve known for so long???

and even when my teachers were nice enough to give me a chance in a leadership position once; in that dastardly bullshit internet safety workshop thing that they should’ve literally just hired a professional workshop co. to do….. but to save money they used students in my year group instead. so, instead of being marked by my teachers on this program; i was marked by the catholic education office. they had a lady come in from the ceo to judge/mark us while presenting…… and this lady went off at teen me for “not being professional, responsible and respectful” or whatever the fuck the woman told 15/16yo me…. which teen me then fired back with “i don’t have to be fucking professional and responsible!!!! IM FUCKING 15!!!!”.. so from then on i was never given an LP or any other type of “peer support” role against my friends who were littered with offers for them. mind you, i did call a whole room of 14 year olds “a bunch of cunts” or the like and then stormed out thinking that i’d made a solid point, so the CEO woman had a good reason 😂😅….. again in hindsight.

of course there was also the bitterness of teen me being angry at the english dept for not giving her a spot in the top class of english in her half of the year. but as i’ve said previously on other posts, i’ve forgiven this because i did essentially fail one shakespeare in class assessment in year 8 or year 9 😂. but i strongly felt this during my time at catholic school bc my friends believed that i should’ve been in the top english class too lmao.

but aside from those troubles and foibles, i still found it incredibly hard to leave. to leave the perceived closeness of that group of girls, who would sometimes walk me down to the office and sit with me in “purple room” while i waited for the teacher that had to act as my therapist almost lmao. even though i always told my friends to leave me be and go back to class bc i felt bad about dragging them out of class for so long.

but yeah. with all the above behaviour, the song lyrics to me at the time made sense bc teen me just felt so pressured to fit into the whole “funny, cool, outrageous girl” bs box that people had put her in…. but at the same time she wanted to escape it bc she was just *flyleaf voice* SO SICK of being laughed at instead of laughed with (atl weightless reference here kids) just because… like she DESERVED to be taken seriously for fucks sake, and not a be a “monkey do funny dance” person… she obvs felt this the most in drama class. where in the shakespeare unit, she picked a medley of romeo and juliet and taming of the shrew monologues to do for her monologue. although she nearly did lady macbeth throwing herself off the tower, to be hella edgy…. but she opted not to do that in the end. but she picked serious pieces bc she was sick and tired of being classed as the one trick pony go-to funny person.

okay. this really went off topic. but y’all get the point??? the decision of leaving catholic school was a hell of a ride for little 14-16yo me. it was confusing, terrifying and tied up in years of being overly judged and feeling like people wanted me to leave bc they were sick of me. it was tied up in years of mid-class meltdowns that had become kind of routine for me to have, and that people were just brushing me off as “attention seeking”…. but also ironically waiting for me to snap at any second for another wild shouting match or walkout; which would then make me look like i was “unruly” or “untameable/unmanageable” or whatever the fuck….. but i couldn’t take that anymore, for the final senior years. i HAD to leave it.

again it was hard to leave for loyal little teen me, despite how lonely and isolated she felt. why leave your friends when you’re comfortable??? but also: why stay in this toxic environment where people are just waiting for you to either shut the fuck up and put up with it or just blow up and absolutely lose your shit??? that’s just unhealthy asf. and the only unruly thing that’s happening here is the complete lack of mental health help or management in the aussie education system; but most especially in religious schools.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona’s catholic school memories #ilona’s catholic school rants #sorry it’s another tl;dr in the feels post lmao

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instablamwriter · 3 years

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A3 characters sorted into Mahoyaku Countries/Kingdoms

If you follow me on twt (@/meclanitea btw), then you’d know how severe my mhyk brainrot is.

So me being me, I just had to sort a3 people into the countries. I have a basic description of each country below but tbh it’s very inadequate if you wanna understand so, like, join me in the mhyk brainrot. I wholeheartedly welcome you xD

So. If anyone has any other opinions, feel free to tell me because I love to talk (obvi hahaha)

Disclaimer: My opinion and all that jazz *jazz hands*. I took liberties for their ages because I could (bc they’re fictional characters :^]). The stories aren’t exactly complete but I’m not really building a full AU so it’s pine. And finally, we don’t really understand wizard genetics since wizards can be born from non-wizards and I’m guessing the other way around happens too? (we only have the flores brothers to go from after all)

Gonna start with the west the counter-clockwise to central

Western Kingdom: The eccentric wizards in love with art and have a unique interest in people

Yuki: Yuki is a west-born wizard and is a tailor. While not particularly interested in people themselves, he's interested in the different cultures and how it relates to clothes-making. He likes people telling him stories and doesn't care if they're made-up as long as he can draw inspiration from them (~early 20s).

Kazunari: Kazu is a south-born wizard who came to the west in his youth. He's an artist by trade and loves to interact with people of all kinds. He draws on the streets and leaves a little magic in his paintings (but not the one he gives to humans as western humans are wary). Back in the south though, they welcome his magical paintings (~60-70s).

Azami: Azami is from a strong family of wizards from the north. His father is the leader of a small but mighty bandit gang, comparable in strength to the legendary bandit leader Bradley. He escaped from the north to pursue his passion in make-up and uses his magic to create make-up with different attributes, as well as those that have different healing effects on the skin (~early 20s).

Misumi: Misumi is from a very isolated eastern family that actually originated from the west. He went back to where his late grandfather came from in hopes to find some peace with his memory. He loves interacting with others and his playful and energetic self is a hit in noble parties. His grandfather used to be a noble as well, but though their riches have stayed, they are not acknowledged by the Eastern Kingdom (~60-70s).

Taichi: A central-born wizard who had dreams of making a name for himself. Since he didn't stand out much despite all his hard work, he decided to start anew in the Western Kingdom and did a make-over with his hair and clothing style (~late 20s).

Homare: A western noble that despite being a wizard, is much loved and well-regarded for his poems. He uses his magic to add theatrics to his poem-readings (~500-600).

North Country: Wizards here are often powerful, isolated, and power-hungry.

Banri: A young wizard who had been powerful since birth. He was born into a long line of village leaders and he has several villages nearby submit to him for protection. Losing to a non-northern wizard, originally a /southerner/ at that really gave his ego a bit hit. (~late 30s)

Hisoka: An orphan wizard that lost his family in his teens (north natural disaster). He was taken in by August, a wizard mercenary for hire, and lived with him and Chikage. He disappears after an attack and is framed for killing his mentor, August. He lost his memories and wandered around the eastern Kingdom until he was found by Azuma. He retrieves his memories soon after being reunited with Chikage (~400-500).

Chikage: An orphan wizard who was taken in by a young August. He lived with August and Hisoka until August was killed and Hisoka disappeared (~400-500 but older than Hisoka).

Eastern Kingdom: Mostly isolated people who warm up once you gain their trust

Azuma: His human family died in a tragic accident when he was young. He moved to the east and keeps his wizard identity a secret. He gives company to the lonely people in the east (~1500).

Masumi: An eastern noble. He grew up under his human grandmother. His parents don't quite understand magic. He’s quite gifted and is pretty well-verse with the forest near his home (~late 20s).

Itaru: A toy maker who does a lot of custom work that is almost realistic. He’s also quite good at disguising himself. He’s often thought to be a western wizard at first but he’s a big introvert and would rather be left to his devices to work on his toys and machines (~100-200).

Juza: A south-born wizard known to be really physically strong. He had left the south because of bad rumours and had wandered around until he settled in the east. When he encounters fallen wizards, he takes their mana stones but buries the rest of their remains. He usually works as a mercenary for hire (~late 30s).

Kumon: A south-born wizard who takes a lot of pride in his brother and followed him to the east once his brother made base. He has a lot of personal conflict with his magic and using it properly (~mid-20s).

Southern Country: Kind-hearted wizards who are often weaker magically

Omi: A north-born wizard who was quite notorious in his youth. After his partner-in-crime died during a raid by other wizards, he moved down to the south and became a school teacher (~80-90s).

Muku: Born with weaker magical power and no teacher to learn from, Muku mostly focused on becoming dependable physically (~early 20s).

Tsuzuru: A young writer who once wished to sell his works, especially to the central and western kingdoms, but didn’t want to leave his large family. Now that all of his siblings are adults and his parents are in retirement, he’s had thoughts of leaving and making his stories come to life (~50s).

Tsumugi: A dancer who once upon a time was going to go to Central Kingdom to make it big but backed out last minute and stayed in his village. He is very talented though and uses magic to enhance the experience of his performances. He also often uses plants as a moving visual (~100-200).

Central Kingdom: Filled with natural-born leaders and those who have strong senses of justice

Sakuya: Orphaned at an early age, he grew up doing odd jobs just to survive. His dream is to become a knight for the kingdom, much like Cain Knightley (albeit he was thrown out of the knights) (~early 30s).

Citron: A noble and the tentative heir of the Zahra household. His father is an acclaimed wizard but out of all his children, Citron has been the only wizard. It wasn’t until recently that his younger half-brother Tangerine had been born a wizard as well that he decided that he wishes to leave the family (~200+).

Sakyo: A north-born wizard who had dreamed for the longest time to stay in central and rid himself of the pressure of north for years. He had been involved in Azami’s family in order to survive since he had originally been very weak. Azami’s dad is a wizard he respects deeply who had fathered many but Azami had been the first wizard and Sakyo had taken care of him since birth. When Sakyo was given permission to leave the family, he had taken it, but not without Azami’s resentment (~1000).

Tenma: The son of a merchant that made it big. He’s a performer in all aspects from singing to acting to dancing and is regarded as a superstar by the locals. His magic is used to enhance his theatrics (~late 20s).

Guy: While his parents were originally from the central kingdom, he was taken at a young age and grew up being trained in the North. He worked as a mercenary afterwards, traveling the world before he meets Citron’s family and is then assigned to become his aide (~1500).

Tasuku: A south-born dancer who has gained the attention of many people. He was originally going to come to the Central Kingdom with his Tsumugi, but he had backed out and Tasuku still resents him for running away (~100-200).

Thoughts???? I’d love to hear them!

#mhyk #mahoyaku #a3 #a3!#act! addict! actors!#promise of wizard #mahoutsukai no yakusoku #yuq hcs

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idkwhatimdoingbutitscool · 4 years

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He Just Isn’t Right for You

pairing: Bang Chan x Y/N (female reader)

friends to lovers!au, high school!au

genre: Mostly smut and angst, some fluff if you squint.

warnings: hella smut, oral (both receive), cursing, alcohol, fingering, some friends with benefits stuff, slight orgasim denial, semi-public sex, overstimulation, name kink, (low key it’s a pretty vanilla smut tbh.)

A/N: It gets better, I promise.

You and Chan had been best friends for years. You guys had been neighbors since you were three and had been inseparable ever since. Well, that is until high school. Fucking highs chool. You and Chan were placed in different classes and he got new friends, which was strange. You two had been loners together. You guys were kind of social outcasts throughout middle school, and then boom. He was suddenly hot shit and this caused you to be left behind in the dirt. All the girls, and even most of the guys were after him. You wished you could say the same about yourself, but sadly, you were still a pathetic, loner, loser virgin who spent most of your days locked in your room.

The two of you were still friends, though, just not during school. You would walk to school and back home together, and hang out for hours after school and on weekends, but in school, you were isolated. You were left to fend for yourself, no longer having a partner in crime to share antics with. You found small friend group during your sophomore year, but you guys don’t really see each other outside of school. The lack of you and your friend group clicking, was just a reminder of how nobody wanted to have a closer relationship with you. You felt as if it might have just been better if you were 100% alone.

The build up of your somewhat painful school experience drove you crazy, and on your way to school one day, something compelled you to ask Chan, “You know I’m a weirdo, right?” He laughed, “Yeah, I know,” then he looked at you, finally realizing that you weren’t joking, “Y/N, what’s wrong?” “We don’t have to hang out, you know? You don’t have to talk to me just because I don’t have any other friends,” you said. Chan stopped in his tracks, “Let’s ditch today.” “What?” you turned to Chan. “Come on. Let’s go do something.” “Like what?” you asked. Chan turned around and started walking, “Just come on.” So you followed.

You followed Chan back to his house. You approached his car sitting in the driveway. He got into his car and started the ignition. You hoped in the passenger seat and Chan started driving down the road and out of the neighborhood. You guys sat in comfortable silence for about half an hour until you laid your hand on his. His eyes moved from the stick shift to where your hands were and then to your face. “What” you asked before looking out of the window. He replied with the dumbest smile on his face, “Nothing.” “Eyes on the road,” you said sternly. That was the first time you thought that you might like Chan in more than just a friend’s way.

You got out of the car and waited for Chan to catch up with you. You stood at the outskirts of the woods and shouted to him, “Is this where you were planning on hiding my body after stabbing me?” He laughed and jogged up to you, “Yeah, I’ve been planning this for months. Right here is were I was going to stab you,” he started poking and tickling your stomach, “Sadly, it looks like I forgot my knife. Lucky you.” You both started laughing. “Shame. Although it’s nice to know can’t even plan a murder right,” you said, not bothering to tone down your laughter. “Fuck off,” he said with a laugh and an eyeroll.

After walking deeper and deeper into the woods Chan approached this giant tree and sat down on its roots, “Y/N,” you nodded and sat next to him, “Why did you hold my hand in the car earlier,” he asked, his doughy eyes gleaming. You faced him, “First of all, I did not hold your hand. I put my hand on the stick shift and your hand was in the way. Second of all, I don’t know, I just felt like it. Don’t take it in any certain type of way, I think I’ve just been lonely since junior year started. I hate going back to school.”

Chan tried to comfort you, “Come on. It can’t be that bad-” “You have friends,” you interrupted, “People actually want to be around you. People don’t think your weird.” “Why do you keep saying your weird,” Chan asked. You tried to explain, “I hear everyone say it. They just think I’m weird because I don’t talk in class or whatever. People say I’m boring, too. I guess because I don’t party or talk, or really do anything.” “I have to say, you are kind of an NPC in school,” He laughed, but you knew it wasn’t a joke.

“We can change that you know? Come sit with me at lunch tomorrow. We can hang out during breaks and stuff it will be cool. There is a party on Friday at Woojin’s, we should go together,” Chan suggested. “Okay. Just promise to be stay close to me at all times. I don’t want to be with your friends alone and be awkward,” you agreed and Chan complied. Then it happened. Chan asked one simple question that would drastically change your friendship dynamic, “So... Y/N... Remember that time we kissed freshman year?” You buried your face in your hands, “I swear to god, I thought we agreed to never bring that up.” He chuckled, and then made a proposition, “Do you want to try some more stuff?”

You started dying of laughter. “What?” He asked as if he regretted asking after seeing your response. “No, nothing. I just-” you couldn’t help but keep laughing. After a minute you composed yourself, “Wait. You’re serious?” Chan looked away and nodded. You started to sweat, “I don’t know, Chan. You know I haven’t really done anything. For god’s sake I’ve only ever kissed you.” He looked back at you, “It’s perfect though isn’t it? You can practice and I can...” He trailed off. “Get off?” you said, finishing his sentence. His ears turned bright red, “Yeah, basically.” You giggled at his embarrassment, “Sure. I guess I’m down.” Chan was shocked, “Really?” “Yeah,” you paused, “I just don’t want to have full on sex, if that’s okay. I want to save my first time for someone special.” Ouch. Your words were like a knife in Chan’s heart, I thought I was someone special. He thought, but quickly snapped out of it. You were his best friend, what was he thinking? “Of course it’s fine,” he replied to your ask.

He pulled you onto his lap and kissed you. His kiss was gentle, but so passionate at the same time. You were stiff with nerves, hoping that you were able to make Chan feel good. He wrapped his hands around your waist and planted kisses along your jaw until he reached your ear, “It’s okay, you can relax. It’s just me.” His words made you melt like putty in his hands. Your fingers started playing with his hair as your lips met again. His hands travelled from your waist to your thighs, then up under your skirt. As his hands touched your bare skin you let out a gasp. Chan felt your body rocking on top of his and he thought, This makes sense.

Friday came faster than you could have imagined. It was already the day of the big party. At first you were nervous because you didn’t feel very welcome, but Woojin actually invited you the first time you ate with them. “Dude, what time does the party start on Friday?” Jisung yelled from across the table. Woojin shrugged, “I don’t know, maybe at like 11. Y/N, you should come.” I agreed and that was that. Chan’s friends were all really friendly, which surprised you. You knew from their reputation, and from Chan, that they all slept around and drank a lot, so you were expecting more of the fuck boy types.

You had never been to a party before so you had no idea what to wear. You didn’t want to look to formal or too casual, but did it even really matter at this point? You put on a black tanktop and a tight red skirt. You put on a little more makeup than usual and headed over to Chan’s house. You knocked on his door and he opened it, “Damn, Y/N. You planning on distracting all the boys from your horrible dancing?” You laughed in response, “You don’t look to bad yourself,” telling Chan, even though, when did he ever not look perfect?

You finally pulled up to Woojin’s and the party was already in full swing. “Promise to stay close to me? At least until I’m drunk enough to loosen up some,” you asked Chan. He always could make you feel as if it were just you two, even when you were in a crowd. He grabbed your hand, “Don’t worry. You got this.” He let go of you and got out of the car. You followed him inside of the house. You did not like this at all. The music was too loud, the kids were too sloppy and obnoxious and you just wanted to go home. Chan put his hand on the small of your back, “I’m gonna go get us some shots, okay?” I nodded and he disappeared.

“Hi,” said an unknown voice, “I’m Jackson.” He was very attractive. “I’m Y/N,” you looked at him a little confused to why he was talking to you. “Do you wanna dance?” he had enough energy for you both. You took a swing of the beer in his hand before replying, “Sure.” He pulled you closer to the cluster of teens dancing in the living room, without hesitation. You guys danced, or more jumped around, and had a lot of fun together. You went to get some drinks and he followed, “What school do you go to?” He took a shot, “Newton. You?” “Lincoln,” You responded. He nodded. You both took a couple more shots and kept chatting. It was nice. Jackson was just really inviting and warm. “Do you want to go out some time?” he asked, which took you aback. No one ever liked you, especially not guys that looked like him. You nodded, “Put your number in my phone.” He took your phone and proceded to type.

Chan returned to where you guys were standing, with drinks in hand. Only, you weren’t there. He didn’t think much of it. You probably saw one of the boys and went of to hang with him. He chugged both drinks and started dancing. A girl came up to Chan to dance, so he left. He was questioning his actions, What the fuck are you doing? She was hot. Something stopped him from being close with this random girl, but then he saw you with Jackson. He thought it was an interesting pairing. Jackson was known for being a douche, and you were so you. Cute and reserved. How did you two even get along? Then you laughed, and Chan understood, but didn’t approve. His blood was boiling seeing another guy making you smile like that. He didn’t know why he felt this jealousy. You’re happy. As long as you’re happy, he kept repeating this to himself to try and calm down. He thought it had worked until he saw you start to exchange numbers.

That was it for Chan. Jackson gave you your phone back. Next thing you knew Chan was grabbing your wrist and taking you upstairs. You yelled bye to Jackson then turned to Chan, “What are you doing?” He sounded calm, but it was that type of calm that comes when he is really mad, “I’m taking you upstairs.” “Why?” you questioned him, but got no answer. He took you into a bathroom and locked the door behind you. Chan was calmer now it was just the two of you. His voice now sounding more sad than angry, “Jackson isn’t right for you.” You were taken aback, “Excuse me? I am my own person and make my own goddamn decisions. If that’s all this was about then I’m leaving.”

As you reached for the doorknob, Chan picked you up and put you on the countertop. He kissed you. This time it was he who felt the pressure of performing, but his tenseness faded once you kissed him back. He started kissing your neck, which drove you insane. “Stand up,” he commanded. You jumped down from the counter and were immediately reunited with Chan’s lips on yours. This little physical contact already had you dripping, feeling an unimaginable desire, maybe it was because of the alcohol or maybe because it was Chan. He started unzipping your skirt. Once your skirt was off he picked up up and gently laid you on the floor. He started making his way down to your legs, leaving a trail of sloppy, drunk kisses and hickies along the way.

He gently kissed down your stomach, trying to tell you he loved you in the only way he could. As soon as he got near your center he asked, “Is this okay,” wanting to make sure you were ready. “Huh-uh,” you mumble reassuring him. Chan proceded to slide your underwear off. Just the feeling of his mouth getting close to you was enough to make you squirm. Then he placed his tongue on your clit, “Fuck, Chan.” He loved it when you said his name. He wanted you to want him, and every sound you made confirmed that you did. He kept moving his tongue, first flicking it up and down then in moving circular motions, wanting you to forget all about Jackson. He then started sucking on your already sensitive spot. “I think I’m gonna cum,” you pant. Chan stops, “Not yet, Y/N. You have to make me work for it.” You nod and then he kissed you, swallowing your moans.

All of a sudden, you felt a finger slip inside of you. Chan paused to make sure it was okay. You started to grind against his hands, desperate for friction, “C-chan, please.” With that he started pumping his finger, and then added another. He curled his fingers inside you as if he knew exactly where your sweet spot was. He then placed the pad of his thumb on your clit. The motions started off slow, but grew faster and faster, which made your moans loader and loader. “Fuck,” you cried out. Chan then whispered in your ear, “Say my name.” Shiveres were sent through out your entire body as you whimpered, “Chan!” “Again,” he commanded as his fingers picked up the pace. “Chan! Oh, fuck!” you yelled as you came. As you rode out your high, Chan kept going. You came again shortly after already being brought to completion. This second wave, didn’t stop him either, which over-stimulated you. Your whole body was twitching and shaking. It felt like he was making your skin raw, but at the same time it felt so good.

You started to cry due to the painful pleasure. Chan stopped immediately, “Oh god, Y/N, are you okay? I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to-” You tried to reassure him, “No no no, it’s okay. It felt good I just need a break.” Chan grabbed a washcloth from under the sink and dampened it with warm water. He started wiping your thighs and made his way to your core. You jumped with every touch still feeling very sensitive. He threw the cloth into the laundry basket and then sat down next to you. He pulled you onto his lap so that you could lay your upper body over him. After a couple of minutes you got up, legs still trembling.

Chan watched your every move, loving that he had the power to impact you like that. When you were no longer wobbling, he stood up and handed you your skirt and underwear. You put your clothes back on and then got on your knees, trying to undo Chan’s belt. He took your hands and pulled you back up, “Let’s save that for next time, yeah?” He gave you a peck on the lips and then left you standing alone the bathroom. What the fuck? you thought to yourself. You were so confused Did he even know Jackson? Chan’s words rang in your ears, Jackson isn’t right for you. Whatever. You were a strong, independent woman who can do whatever and whoever the fuck she wanted.

You went back down to the party and found Jackson sitting on the couch with some other kids you had never seen before. You went up to them, looking only at Jackson, “Do you wanna dance?” you said, hoping no one could see the post-sex flush on your cheeks. He didn’t answer, he just got up and pulled you into the next room over. You drank and danced together all night. He was funny and chiseled, but something felt off. You had fun, but you didn’t feel any butterflies. You thought that it was probably because you were drunk, yet you couldn’t help feeling like something was missing.

The next day you woke up and couldn’t believe what had happened the night before at Woojin’s party. You and Chan did somethings that were maybe a little more than PG. And you couldn’t wait to do it again. You needed him now. You quickly got ready and made your way to your neighbor’s house. After pounding on the door repeatedly, a half-naked Chan opened up, “Y/N? What are you doing? It’s 9 in the morning!” You pushed past him and he shut the door behind you. “Are your parents home?” you whispered, just in case they were. He shook his head with a confused expression plastered on his face. “Great,” you said, pushing his bare chest into his bedroom. Chan didn’t say anything until you pushed him down on his bed and proceeded to straddle him, “So you’re cool with what happened last night?” You nodded and kissed him.

He kissed you back, pulling you by the small of your back. Chan was trying to get you as close to him as he could. You started kissing his neck and started sucking when you heard him try and suppress a moan. While you slowly started to grind on Chan’s crotch, you felt his member pressing harder into you through is thin pajama pants. you tugged on his waistband. You slid from his lap down to the floor, landing on your knees. He sat up as you tucked your hair in your shirt, “Y/N, you don’t have to...” His voice trailed off. “Do you not want me to,” you asked feeling your cheeks heat up. Chan jumped in hastily, “No, no, no, I definitely want you to! I don’t want you to feel pressured.” You smirked, “Then we’re all good.”

You proceeded to pull down his pajama bottoms and underwear. His member hit his stomach. You hesitated, realizing that you had no idea what you were doing. Chan noticed your pause, “It’s okay. You could do anything and I would almost find it hot.” You laughed and took his cock in your hands. You started moving your hands up and down slowly, but quickly got faster. You then put your mouth on his tip and swirled your tongue around it. Chan’s moaned and threw his head back. You bobbed your head up in down his dick. He rolled his eyes in plesure, “F-fuck, god Y/N.” His hips buckled up into you, throat fucking you. You moaned against his member.

“Fuck, Y/N, I’m gonna cum,” Chan panted expecting you to stop sucking before he came. You didn’t, and kept moving your tongue at the tip of his cock. Chan came seconds later and you swallowed. He moaned at the sight of you swallowing his cum. You released him with a pop. He pulled his pajamas back up and pulled you back on his lap after he caught his breath. He gave you a passionate, deep kiss. “That was so good,” Chan said. You pushed his hair away from his sweaty forehead, and then gave him a peck on the tip of his nose, “I have to go study now, but thanks for this.” He was taken aback, “You don’t want me to do you?” You turned back to Chan before leaving his room, “Tomorrow?” He nodded and threw his body onto his bed with a sigh. You jogged back over to your house and fantasized about what would happen the next day.

Later that day Jackson texted you.

Jackson: Hey cutie. Wanna get coffee sometime?

You: sure. i’m free next saturday :))

Jackson: Great

You giggled in excitement for your date with Jackson, but your thoughts went quickly back to Chan. You were in quite a conundrum. Did you like Chan, or just the sex? You didn’t know, but you did know that Jackson was an objectively attractive guy who liked you. He 100% liked you and you had thought that Chan 100% didn’t. You would rather be with Jackson than wait while you figure out your feelings for Chan.

You woke up the next morning to the sound of your phone buzzing. You answered the call, “Hello?” Chan answered, “Sorry. I woke you up didn’t I?” “It’s fine. What’s up,” you inquired, curious to why he was calling. “Do you wanna sleep over tonight,” he asked nervously. You answered him with a grunt, “I’ll be over at six.” You then hung up and went back to bed. You woke up about an hour later and remembered that you had said to Chan that you guys could get physical. “Shit,” you mumbled to yourself, being torn between Chan and Jackson.

You soon got ready for the night ahead of you. You were planning on telling Chan about your date with Jackson and that it would be the last time you guys could be intimate. You felt your heart sink at just the thought of not having Chan in that way anymore. Packing your overnight bag hastily, you didn’t know if you were ready to have this conversation with Chan. It’s not like he would care about you guys not being together anymore, and maybe it was that thought of him not caring that made you hesitate before knocking on his door. Chan opened the door and pulled you in by your wrist, closing the door behind you. “Hi,” he said through his goofy grin. “Hey,” you replied, “I have to tell you something.” Chan started to look worried. You tried to reassure him, “It’s not a big deal. I just have a date with Jackson next weekend, so it wouldn’t feel right to continue with our arrangement. I mean, tonight’s fine if you want, but next week I will be 100% celibate.” You started to laugh waiting for Chan to say something.

After an uncomfortable pause he jumped in, “Yeah, sure. I get it.” He did his best to sound like he didn’t care. It was just the reaction you expecting, He really doesn’t care, you thought. In reality, the thought of you two not being together tore him apart. You both walked to Chan’s room. You flopped onto the bed, “So, what do you have planned?” Chan closed his bedroom door, “What are you up for?” You raised your eyebrows and smiled. He walked over to the edge of the bed and made his way on top of you. His face hovered over yours for a few seconds until you kissed him. He moved his hand up your back, underneath sweater. You arched your back so he could unhook your bra. He started massaging your right breast, his cold hand causing you to moan. Chan put the pad of his thumb on your nipple and started rubbing, encouraging you to be louder.

You needed Chan. You wanted him closer to you. “More,” you moaned. Chan stopped kissing you, making your lips burn with longing. He slowly took his hand out from under your sweater, “What did you say?” His smirk made you whimper, “Did you tell me to stop?” You shook your head rapidly. “Please,” you begged as you grabbed Chan’s hand and tried to place it on your belt buckle. He moved his to your waist, “Oh, Y/N. I didn’t realize you wanted me this badly. You’re so fucking hot when you’re needy.” He unbuckled your belt and took off your pants and undergarments. Chan then took your hands and pinned them above you.

“Use your words, babygirl. Tell me what you want and I’ll take care of you,” he whispered in your ear as he pinned your hands above your head and started kissing your neck. You tried to talk in between moans, “Touch me.” “Who do you want to touch you,” Chan asked, practically begging for you to say his name. “You! I want your fingers inside of me, Chan,” you screamed. As soon as you said his name, you felt two fingers slip inside of you. You started grinding on his hand due to the lack of movement on Chan’s part. He took his fingers out of you and pinned your hips down, “Be patient, babygirl.” He started rubbing your clit.

You had never seen Chan this dominate before. Everytime you were together you had always sensed a bit of yearning from him, but now he was taking his time, making you want him more than he wanted you. You spoke quietly, “Chan?” He hummed in response. “I need you,” you told him while holding eye-contact. Chan let go of your wrists and kissed you softly. It was almost like he was scared of breaking you. He kissed your neck and made his way down to legs. Your moans were music to Chan’s ears. He was so happy he could make you feel this way, but he was saddened by the thought that this was your last time together.

He started sucking at your clit and simultaneously playing with it in his mouth. His tongue moved in ways it never had before. You moved your hips so much each time you arched your back Chan had to eventually hold your hips in place. His tongue circled around your entrance, before diving in. He loved the way you tasted. Chan kept going, switching from clit stimulation to insertion, persistent to make you cum. You felt a knot building up in your stomach, signaling you were close to your climax. Before you could tell Chan that you were about to cum, you found your release. He sucked you dry and returned his head to the pillow next to you, “So, do you wanna watch a movie or something?” You looked at him and laughed, then proceeded to go to the bathroom and clean yourself off.

After few months after you and Chan were sexual together, nothing had really changed. You still ate lunch with Chan and his friends, and you and Jackson had been dating ever since you guys got coffee that Saturday. Today was your six month anniversary and you couldn’t wait. Tonight was the night you were finally going to have sex with Jackson. Being the romantic you were, you knew your expectations were super high, but you tried to contain them. “Tonight’s the big night, everybody,” Minho announced to the boys at the table, “Y/N will no longer be a virgin!” You blushed as you all cheersed your water bottles and milk cartons. “Are you excited?” Felix asked like he was checking on you. You were quick to be casual, “I guess, I mean it’s not that big of a deal.” He nodded before joining a conversation with Jisung and Hyunjin. You looked across the table to see Chan. He was clenching his jaw, staring out in space.

You and Chan have never talked about your casual relationship after the last time anything happened between you. Maybe he regretted it. Maybe he just feels lonely now that we don’t do that stuff anymore. You haven’t heard him talk about a girl since that day in the woods. Chan caught you staring at him, and he just stared back. He didn’t want to think about what you would be doing with another guy. He wished everyone could stop bringing it up. You flashed a smile at him and he tried his best to smile back. He wished it were him, not Jackson. Not just for the sex, but for everything. Chan wanted to hold you and to just hang out with you in a more than a friend way. He started repeating the phrase he always thinks about every time you mention Jackson, You’re happy. As long as you’re happy.

Later that night after Jackson went home, you called Chan to tell him everything, “Chan, oh my god. I can’t believe I actually did it!” Chan’s heart shattered, “So you actually h-had sex with him?” “Yeah, I’m surprised, too,” the giggles that escaped your mouth felt like a stab in the gut. Chan thought it would be you two who ended up together, but you and Jackson were. He couldn’t take this, yet wouldn’t stop asking questions, “How was it?” Why did he ask that? He didn’t want to know. He would have been perfectly happy imagining that he was the only person to see you in that way.

“It was fine, I guess. I don’t know. It wasn’t like how we were. It hurt and he went too fast, but everyone’s first time sucks, according to Minho anyway. It’s whatever,” you tried to pretend like you didn’t care. Chan couldn’t help himself, “What do you mean ‘like how we were’?” Reflecting on the memories you have of being intimate with Chan cheered you up a little, “Well, I mean, we go together, you know? It was natural, you were careful with me. You were always so gentle and loving, it kind of seemed like Jackson didn’t care about that kind of mushy stuff. I guess we just made sense. Anyways, can we change the subject?” Chan’s heart soared, but at the same time it broke for you, “Sure.”

Almost immediately after you got off the phone with Chan, Minho called you, “Hey Y/N. I forgot to tell you earlier to not talked to Chan about you and Jackson.” You were curious to find out something you didn’t know, “Wait, what? Why?” “Just trust me, okay,” He asked. “I’ve already talked to him,” you explained. Minho sighed, “Fuck.” You questioned him further, “What? What’s the bid deal?” He snapped, “Jesus fuck, Y/N! Chan obviously likes you. Shit, it must’ve crushed him.” “No he doesn’t, and why would me having sex with another guy be such a thing,” you said defensively. Minho calmed down, “Come on, Y/N. Have you ever seen the way he looks at you? And it’s not about your virginity, it’s that you wanted to loose it to your special someone. He’s sad he couldn’t be that person for you.” You chuckled lightly, “Oh fuck.” Minho agreed, ”Oh fuck indeed.”

Three weeks had passed sinced you and Jackson had sex for the first time and then found out that your best friend liked you. During this time Chan had grown more and more distant. You tried talking to him at lunch and between classes, and even over text, but it seemed as if he was trying to avoid you. On your walks to and from school, you asked him about his day and how much he had written on certain assignments, but his answers were always short and spoken with a quiet tone. On your walk home you had asked him, “Wanna come over?” He looked surprised by my question, “Right now?” I shrugged, “Yeah, why not?” “Good point,” he said making eye-contact with me for the first time in weeks.

You entered your room and Chan made himself at home, immediately laying across your bed and taking out his phone. “Chan, I have to ask you something,” he hummed in response and you continued, “Why have you been avoiding me.” “I haven’t been avoiding you. I am literally talking to you right now,” he said without taking his eyes off his phone. “Is this about what we used to do?” you whispered, catching Chan’s attention. It was the first time you talked about it since you got together with Jackson. It warmed is heart to know that you still remember the nature of your relationship. It was as if you were confirming his memories of all intimacy.

He was taken aback, “What?” “Are you ignoring me because of all that shit we did?” you clarify. His entire demeanour changed, “No! Of course not! Why would you think that?” “You haven’t been the same since we, you know, in your room,” your voice growing from a shameful whisper to yelling with rage and confusion, “So if it’s not about that than what the fuck is the problem?” Chan sat up and put down his phone. He took a minute before speaking, “I can’t stand you and Jackson.” “Why? He is a good guy and I think you should give him a chance. I can’t stand my best friend and my boyfriend hating each other,” you explained trying your best not to sound angry. “He isn’t right for you,” he said under his breath. You couldn’t contain yourself any longer, “Why do you keep saying that? How is he not right for me, and if he’s not then who is?”

He looked nervous from your yelling. You could tell he felt guilty about what he was saying and thinking by the way is toes were curling in the carpet. Chan wanted nothing more than to say Me! It’s always been us, Y/N! but when he tried to say it, he couldn’t bring himself to actually do it, “He just isn’t right for you. Can’t you trust that I know how guys like him are,” he copped out. You laughed, “Takes one to know one, I guess.” “Yeah, I guess,” Chan agreed, as he put on a fake smile. Chan picked up his phone again and stopped talking. You sighed. You walked over to him and took his phone. “Hey,” Chan yelled. You didn’t respond and continued to put his phone in your back pocket. He laid on his back, watching your every move with confusion.

You then got onto the bed and straddled Chan, making sure you were right on top of his dick. He blushed, “Y/N...” You leaned in slowly. You were only inches away from his lips when you started moving your hips. Chan swallowed hard and started to sweat, “What are you doing?” You continued to grind against him and whispered in his ear, “I’m trying to make you hard, and I know it’s working. I can feel your hard cock pushing into me.” You moaned in a over-exaggerated voice, doing your best to drive Chan crazy. “Remember that time I swallowed your cum? How many times since then have you thought about me and pleasured yourself? You probably imagine taking my virginity, or being the only to ever see me cum. The funny thing is you could have been the first person to fuck me,” you stopped moving, “but you weren’t. Jackson was.” You got off of your bed.

Chan sat up and placed a pillow over his boner, “I-i...” “What,” you asked. “Y/N, I tried to tell you. I just didn’t know how,” You scoffed, “And the fact that I had to hear all of this from Minho is absurd.” Chan facepalmed, “Minho told you I think about you when I jack off?” “What? No! He told me you liked me, dumbass,” you yelled. “Oh... Well yeah,” he whispered. You crossed your arms, “Well then say it.” Chan complied, “Y/N, I like you. I have liked you since we kissed freshman year. I know you don’t like me, and I’m sorry for telling you after so long.” It looked like a weight was lifted off his chest. You walked over to him, moved the pillow and straddled him again. You put your hands on his chest and pushed his back on the bed. You started to kiss him.

“But you’re with Jackson,” Chan said when you started to kiss his neck. “I’ll call him and make plans to break up with him,” you told him between kisses, “as soon as we’re done.” With those words, Chan grabbed your thighs and got on top of you. He kissed you. It was deep and loving. You yearned to be closer to him. You pulled away from his lips and put your forehead against his, “Chan?” He kissed the tip of your nose, “Yeah, babygirl.” “I love you,” you whispered, almost hoping he didn’t hear you. He chuckled, “I love you, too.” You tugged on the hem of his shirt and he pulled it off before taking off yours. He slowly unhooked your bra. He took it off and you tried covering yourself. “Don’t. Your so beautiful,” Chan said while removing your hands. He started playing with your right nipple with his tounge, and massaged your left breast.

He continued kissing down your body, taking his time, leaving gentle marks on across your stomach. Once Chan got to your belt he looked up to you for permission. You nodded, signaling for him to take your pants off. He undid your belt and took them off slowly. He spread your legs and placed soft pecks along your inner thighs. “Chan,” you purred, “I need you.” He looked back up at you and raised his eyebrows, asking if you were serious. You grabbed his cheeks and pulled him in for a kiss. As you were making out, you unzipped his pants and tried to pull them down. Chan helped you take off his pants and began to kiss your neck. You had your arms wrapped around him not ever wanting to let go. You wanted nothing more than to stay in this moment forever.

You felt Chan line up with your entrance, “Are you really sure you want this, Y/N?” You nodded and he slowly started pushing into you. You whinced, sex stilling being a tad painful. He apologized and you told him that it was okay and you could handle the pain. Chan gave you a few seconds to adjust to him, “Tell me when I can move.” The discomfort was quickly replaced with pleasure and you told him to go. He started off slow, paying very close attention to what you wanted. He picked up the pace, which in turn, increased your moans. The combination of Chan’s touch and just feeling emotionally bonded to him was enough to make you cum. “Fuck,” you cried while riding out your high. After a few minutes, Chan’s thrusts started becoming sloppy and he came.

After he pulled out of you, he quickly pulled you to his chest to cuddle, “You mean so much to mean it’s actually insane.” You replied to your best friend, “You make me so happy. I love you.” “I love you, too,” he said slowly, savoring every word that came out of his mouth. As you lied there, Chan starting to doze off, all of your feelings towards Chan, and even Jackson, finally started to make sense.

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ziracona · 4 years

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Anytime I see the legion im picturing urs so now in a trial im like "fukn idiot loser babies" *pallet smacks*. Reading ur meta(is that the term??) on Julie just now I'm like. So mad for her!! Get them kids some therapy!! How could the adults in their lives let them get to such a shitty point.. >:( Also, another thought I had with Adiris. The buzzfeed video is more her holding a bunch of cats. Because the survivors are like herding cats. Chaos children they are (im looking at you meg.)

Hahdjsdk god what a mood. Every time I see an Anna I’m just like “!!! MOM?” And get a hatchet between the eyes rip. And yeah! Meta is right.

For real, for real. Julie and all the Legion kids had some real shit going on. Joey by far had the best home life and family, but even he had a bunch of struggles in school because his family didn’t have time or in many cases experience to help him study, and it was crowded and poor, and because he had no help most kids got, he got treated like he was stupider, and even when he had skills in other areas, everyone at school expected him to perform well at sports and not much else like that was fine & he was meant to be valuable exclusively as an athlete, when he much preferred and actually really liked things like shop and ceramics and building/making stuff. But most people treat trade classes like easy As dumb kids pick (back when shop was still a thing), and like it was a worthless skill, and like. That doesn’t sound as bad as like, being bounced through foster homes as Frank, but pain is relative, you know? Bad is just bad. And things grind on you. It was hard to be taught constantly he was only worth something as a skill he didn’t even really care about, and get treated like he was dumb just because he had less help built in to school than most kids there did. People don’t talk about this much but like, having parents or sibs who help with homework? It’s a huge factor. So is just having family who are college graduates (if you go to college), because first gen student means walking in blind & alone & accountable to no one but bills, and like, college is initially overwhelming with two parents with Masters who are helpful. Any time what you value about you and what you love doesn’t match up with what people who have more power than you tell you is valuable about you/should be your goal, it’s hard. Especially as a teen still trying to like hack out an identity. Overly enthusiastic and impulsive, and has been mocked and hurt and turned on for it, but can’t shut it off. Big heart, but the luck to stand up usually just in time to get laid flat again.

And then Susie, with the parents who don’t care for her or pay her much mind other than disappointed looks and an occasional snap or suggestion or urging to try something different that what she’s doing. Bullied for her sexuality, nervous, and in a small town in the late 90s, probably the only lesbian (at least that she’s aware of existing) in that entire like couple hundred people mountain town, and sort of unbearably alone and misunderstood and isolated feeling. God, feeling like there’s just no one like you are out there is one of the worst feelings, isn’t it? Buried in the things she knows people whisper about her and a thousand tiny microinteractions a day that drain her armor. Loves Julie, but is so isolated Julie is her entire world to an unhealthy, co-dependant, and worryingly usable/manipulatable and non-independent nature for Susie. Because she’s so desperate to keep her she’d do anything not to be alone. But the struggle to never be alone by chasing Julie’s shadow means there’s no time for Susie and her own hopes and dreams and choices and developing personhood. But the worst part is that she’s genuinely happy this way, trailing after the girl she loves, which makes it so hard for either of them to confront and stop even enough to just make it healthy again. But she’s built her whole identity on one person like a precarious janga tower that could fall any second if the wrong piece goes, and that can’t be sustained forever, and who is she when it does crumble?

Then you got Julie, hot, popular, ignored personality disorder, proud parents who want her to keep being ideal and their little princess, than can’t handle her as a teen when she’s not in the box they expected anymore and they can’t just live and be proud vicariously through her all the time. Hit puberty early & dated way too physically way too young with way too much older men. Hit on by teachers, by men three times her age in parking lots. Quickly taught it’s safer to say yes than no and sex and love are a battlefield where you use the other as a stepping stone & the trick is to manurver so you’re okay once it’s over and got something while it went on. Had fun being hot and physically developed young because she suddenly had admirers and people were nice, then realized way too late that it came with constantly being in danger and under pressure to keep performing sexiness, and there wasn’t a livable choice to back out and fail those expectations anymore & be okay in her social circles. Knows she’s not emotional or loving in the way her loved ones are distressed about it, but can’t tell why, and gives up trying to ‘fix it’ and just pretends she doesn’t care and leans into being the sexy bitch and the power that comes with it. Doesn’t even know who she is herself beneath any of the ways she lives anymore, maybe she just is the act, maybe that’s fine. Trusts no one and that’s fine it’s just smart. Caught between liking the power of sex and intelligence and coldness, and the emptiness of not really being somebody. Needs to be loved and idolised and eternally aware how much people would hate her for that if they knew it was the truth, so she just keeps it to herself and makes herself someone they have no choice but to love and adore, so it’ll all be okay. Caught between worried she is cold and unfeeling and selfish and proud, and liking the power that goes with that, and the lack of desire to change, and the fear she doesn’t know how to do it. So she mostly just doesn’t think about any of the turmoil anymore and lives Julie instead of being her.

Then you got Frank, tossed around a myriad of foster homes, stolen by the government from the only one he ever was loved in over race, abused in every way foster parents have learned to abuse the kids they were supposed to love, and convinced since he was a kid that he’s a bad seed and a monster at heart, until he leaned into the violence of that to protect himself when no one else did. Harsh and strong and a fighter, a survivor, lonely and a loner, too much past, no future, not much present. Angry, god, so angry, and nothing to do with it. No skills, or money, or future, or any of it. No love, no family. Just the things he taught himself to survive. Just a good liar, a good fighter, adaptable, fast, tactical, enduring. Knows how to pick locks and lift wallets and hoard food that is least likely to be noticed. How to vanish, how to look real scary and real big, how to get stabbed and get back up, and take a fall, and bide his time. How to find north. Which makes for a good what? A thug, a conman, a drug runner, a loan shark or a hitter or a bouncer maybe? A guard, a killer, a thief? No love, no ties, no one. And only a borrowed, angry, violent sense of self, and all the other versions that didn’t live to adulthood but aren’t quiet dead yet buried beneath it.

God, the opening line to the original lore for Darkness Among Us really was beautiful and memorable. The kind of first line you hope for. “Frank Morrison was ninteen, and had little to show for it.” Like, fuck. It’s so understated, and common, and painfully mundane, but that’s it, that’s his whole life. And how fucking painful that is. To be the end of teenagehood, stepping into adult life alone, and be able to be summed up in just eleven words, as a marker of your lived timespan up to now, and the annotation that you from all of it have gained almost nothing that could be worth any note. I fucking love that line. God. It’s so empty, and cruelly mundane and undramatic and unimportantly scored and marked, like it doesn’t even matter that he’s down nearly two decades of life with nothing worth taking into the next two.

Lord, all the Legion kids really do need help, and therapy, and like, one decent parental figure. Thank god for Jeff. He really is out here doing the real work. Love that man. TuT

And you’re right w Adiris lol. 🤣 It’s a mix of cats and dogs, magbe even. Some of them aren’t trouble, but oh, oh some most definitely are. Side note: I fkn just reallly love cats. Poor Adiris out here tryin her best, and I’m sure she does too.

#ask #anonymous #in living memory (fic)#in living memory #dead by daylight

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anecdochees · 4 years

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sharing ace experiences for ace week 2020

i wanted to write something up for ace week because i believe it’s important to share individual experiences so if others look at my experiences and go “hey that sounds familiar” or something then i want them to know they’re not alone

because there’s a lot of variability in how people experience asexuality especially in a society like ours where sex is so normalized and sexual attraction is so normalized and it can seemingly seep into every aspect of our day. it’s very easy to feel alone and to be tired because every where you look you think “that’s not me” but you’re not quite sure why - or maybe you do know why but you feel so isolated, and that’s tiring. it can be easy especially on tumblr to know asexuality exists and the ace community exists, but it’s another thing to really know if someone is experiencing the same things you are.

happy ace week y’all. stay safe <3 sorry in advance for the very long paragraphs, there’s a tl;dr at the bottom of the read more

the rest under the cut for those who don’t want to read about semi-in-depth discussion about my experiences with sexual attraction, libido, aesthetic and sensual attraction. i’d consider myself sex-indifferent btw

first of all, i think that my aromantic and asexual identities are pretty closely linked so i won’t be able to separate one identity from the other in how i talk about them. i’ll try to stick to the ace-side of my experiences but my aromanticism definitely colors how i talk about things

i think that i was one of those people who always sort of knew. not in the way like, i wasn’t like 10 or 11 and just immediately was “i’m asexual!” but hindsight is powerful, and i never hopped onto the crush train. i was always very academic and very introverted - small group of friends (if any) and more focused on books and school than anything else in elementary / middle school. in junior high i remember people started having crushes and i think when someone asked me i kinda just “chose” some boy at random and then convinced myself i was crushing on them. in hindsight i definitely did not have a crush on them, but i was probably at least a little bit lonely - and the idea of a crush (and the potential for what a crush could become) to pre-teen me sounded very appealing. so i went with it. and i’ve always been like that. junior high to high school i kept that “i’m too focused on school” attitude and it turned into a “I’m not old enough to have a relationship” attitude. my logic behind that one was like... “well. junior high / high school doesn’t last forever” or “14 is really too young to form meaningful romantic relationships with people” or something. i just kept making excuses. i still make excuses (to my family mostly). and i just. the thought of being attracted to someone without intending to become romantically involved never occurred to me until late high school (at that point i had exposed myself to enough fiction lol). the only levels of attraction that i remember from this time period were always like “wow i wanna look like ____” or something (this is still how i experience aesthetic attraction).

another aspect of asexuality that i often find myself thinking about is the idea of hookup culture. i’m a fairly touch starved person, and have been for a while - so at that point i was definitely fantasizing about like, casual friends-with-benefit situations just to get my fix of skin on skin contact. (my aromanticism definitely comes into play here because i was always afraid of that... unspoken expectation that a fwb situation would go south because someone would catch feelings for me. and i didn’t want that. so i never ended up in one of those during high school). the other issue was that i was never comfortable enough with my body or the idea of sex really. and the whole body-confidence and sex issue is an entire deal, but it’s related. theoretically a casual hookup sounded great - the skin on skin contact and the itch for sexual activity would be scratched when it came up - but i was never comfortable with the idea of sex with someone i didn’t know. and it’s not like demisexuality where it has to do with emotional closeness or bonds, or at least i don’t think so? but rather just how much i trust the person? for me those two things are different (and for some people they’re one in the same, that’s okay. not everyone experiences the same thing) because i can trust someone but not be super close to them. i’m a fairly closed off person emotionally i think? so.

and that made things really confusing for a while especially going into college. because i told myself i’d like, get myself out there and be more comfortable with myself and my body and finally uh. you know. get down and dirty. but the whole “i need to be comfortable with someone to have sex with them” thing really put a whole stop to that plan. i remember meeting up with someone on tinder for the first time and like, we made out for a bit and that was so much nicer than the awkward uh. heavy petting. that followed. and that got me thinking about another thing - that making out just because it feels good physically was something i enjoyed a lot. there’s a while where that’s all i did, and i remember talking about how. for some people making out was a turn on, and that just didn’t click for me. this is what i would call sensual attraction - lots of physical affection and holding hands and making out - which is what i experienced and craved.

but okay so the sex-indifferent thing. in theory i’m not repulsed by sex at all because i think if i had the right conditions it’d be something i’d like to indulge in. i have this.. idea in my head that at some point i have to just like “get it over with” - and i know that mindset can be harmful, but it’s definitely something that like... i want to have experienced, so it’s less of a “get it over with” and more of a “see what all the fuss is about” type deal lol. but also due to the various things i mentioned earlier i’m not a very experienced person beyond making out, which has also limited my perspective. and that’s totally okay! i’m almost done with college and i still haven’t technically lost my “virginity” (even though virginity is a social construct) and that’s completely normal! i haven’t felt comfortable doing so and it’s a hard topic to talk about sometimes, and especially during a pandemic you can’t exactly explore your interests.

i think i sort of lost where i was going with this post. i’ve probably posted some rendition of this earlier on the blog, which... that’s okay.

tl;dr though

- experiencing asexuality is really different from person to person

- for me it involved a lot of excuses for why i wasn’t interested in people romantically (and sexually)

- being touch starved, sex indifferent, and asexual made things really confusing because sometimes they would conflict with each other in my brain; the attractions would overlap and then i’d confuse myself

- being asexual in a society that normalizes sex is really confusing and hard ; everyone around you is talking about it (or at least in high school/college) and there’s this invisible pressure to do what everyone else is doing, even if you don’t get it

- it’s totally okay if you’re not comfortable experimenting or if you don’t want to experiment - you don’t owe anyone anything and the only reason you should do anything is because /you/ want to.

#asexuality #asexual #aceweek #ace week #asexual awareness week #queuing like you do

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merrysithmas · 5 years

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you may have talked about this before but do you believe boris already knew he was queer and first approached theo bc he liked him or that he started crushing after they developed a close friendship and theo was what made him question his sexuality? i think theres reasons to believe either side- boris being bold enough to cuddle him in bed seems like he was making a move but him suddenly “loving” kotku seems like an impulsive move out of fear bc he realized he might like a boy. oof idk

I think Boris knew he was attracted to boys — which is evident by his playful, charming, almost teenaged-desperate pursuit of Theo. I think he probably inherently knew this about himself for a long time. I think Boris has always been physically attracted to boys since he’s entered puberty and since he’s still a young teen it is kind of a fun, funny, interesting, enlivening thing for him.

He’s never had a stable life and despite being all over the world he’s led an extremely sheltered existence in a certain way with only one terrible person as his constant (Vladimir). Boris lets it slip to Theo that everywhere the miners go they are hated — this includes Boris. Boris is hated by the public everywhere they go. So long as he is part of their unit, he is hated. That is mortifying to intelligent good-natured Boris. That is why he learns to slip out and around, to be so personable and friendly. His world travels have not been so glorious but probably rather extremely lonely and isolating (as with Judy in Canada), hurtful, and damaging. That is why Bami and Judy (and eventually, Theo) stand out to him so much — people who were kind to him in a childhood of isolated misery and directionlessness. Boris has no moral hang ups about his same-sex attraction - why should he? This directionlessness in his key developmental years is also a good thing: He never grew up around any sort of organized belief systems or stayed bound within an orthodox culture for too long for it to indoctrinate him as its own.

I think people really underestimate how incredibly remote and friendless Boris’ life must have been. Boris is a cheerful boy who Theo says is often plagued by black moods and sullen attitudes. He is an abused and secluded child dragged from location to location with literally no love or stability and constantly brutally beaten to the point where it does not even phase him. Boris actually equates love with that abuse — and nonchalantly claims his father loves him. That is painful to read, that amount of damage.

Living with a bunch of derelict miners whose leader was HIS FATHER (so surely then mostly assholes) and who are “hated everywhere they go” Boris has probably seen any NUMBER of things a conservative-minded person would (likely often erroneously) see as “morally unacceptable” — it’s like Boris is traveling the world with a crew of pirates. He’s probably seen drinking, all kinds of drugs commonly used in front of his face. He has esoteric knowledge about drug use that a child of his age should not — so he was taught by the miners: roll like this, dont include the stems, never mix this, tuck snuff like this, you can get this kind of drug here here and here, it isn’t safe if it doesn’t look like this. His young child’s mind eager to learn sucked up this black information from men who probably didn’t have a second thought to a child or what his developmental needs were. He’s probably first hand witnessed sex workers copulating with his father’s crew (how else would be have learned about the opportunity to lose his virginity in an Alaskan parking lot to a sex worker?), definitely thievery, and said he saw his father murder a man in the mine once and cover it up. Boris’ mind is full of a lifetime of this morally shadowed behavior being presented as normal, or at least secret but common.

I think he understands his attraction to boys in this same way. I think he feels it isn’t “appropriate” to share with Outsiders but it is something that Happens, something that is no one’s business but his own, and something that brings him pleasure and happiness and therefore something he will look for. However he knows it isn’t common or visible or “appropriate” to be showy about it in front of others — especially not people who could judge him (kids at school), kick him out (society), or hurt him (his father). Boris treats his attraction to Theo like his other vices and “bad” habits - barrels head first — but secret: deep dive into happy drug use (but don’t show his dad), steals everything he ever needs (but don’t let them see, put it in my coat), lies when it suits him (lies to Xandra and Larry and his father and Theo too), happily sleeps with Theo and has sex with him (but this is between you-and-me).

He knows other people might have a problem with his actions — but he does not. So that’s his hangup there. He is aware of and ever-vigilant of his surroundings. School: a safe place isolated from his father. He is free and happy to do what he wants at school — including crush on and go after Theo who he clearly likes. He thinks Theo is cute, flirts with him, tries to get him to notice him, talks to him after class, sits next to him on the bus, begs him to come over his house, tries to impress him with far-flung stories, gives him alcohol because it’s what he’s seen his father’s men do in pursuit of romantic partners or as a bonding ritual with one another.

Theo’s house is also a safe place. So safe in fact that Boris starts to leave behind some of the maladjusted development of his childhood and become more of a happy, clear-minded person. Boris and Theo suffer from arrested development and one of themes of the book is childhood lost. They are forced to mimic adults either knowingly or unknowingly, and act in ways that children should not have to in order to survive this Adult World alone. With one another they begin to heal from their traumas, their affection for one another the catalyst. Theo cooks for him, talks to a babbling eager-to-talk Boris (imagine how few people have listened to or understood the ideas of a smart boy like Boris, often surrounded by oafish alcoholics, his violent father where he is expected to keep quiet, or cultures where he does not speak the language), Theo sleeps next to him willingly, he likes Boris, a boy from New York (the top of the world!) he think Boris is funny and smart and worldly, shares his dog with him, hangs on his words, becomes his companion, cares for him if he drinks too much, tried to tend his wounds, welcomes him gratefully into his broken family, watches his favorite movies with him, celebrates holidays with him, inherently values him — and so starts to mend Boris’ broken heart.

A lot of things and viewpoints Boris has are clearly repetitions of things he has heard his father or the miners say — “Christmas is for children” (of course they’d say that to a tiny Boris longing for the magic of Christmas as a child stuck in a mining camp watching the peripheral joy of children around him and coming back to bleak hunger and a dark home), or “god yes I loved having sex with her” (about his hooker in the parking lot — Boris then says he knew she didn’t enjoy it and never shows enjoyment but rather avoidance towards women and girls in any genuine way afterwards, yet covets Theo’s physical company).

Theo on the other hand, who for a short while and then so painfully ripped from him, grew up with love. His natural disposition in Vegas comes from a place of being so recently loved and cherished by his mother and he here, in this lonely place, turns the focus of this disposition onto the one person who is kind and protective towards him: Boris — his one light in a life that has turned very dark. This is like an alien world to Boris. Lonesome and neglected Boris is touched and startled and soon changed by this kindness. So much so that Theo, unknowingly, alters the rest of Boris’ life (Boris feels Theo saved his life).

So that is why I believe the Kotku Gay Panic came about. After their climactic Vegas pool scene where their abuse and trauma is opened to one another (their wounds from their fathers, from fire, literally pouring into the purifying chlorine of the watery womb - mother - pool as they try to drown one another, angry at their attraction to one another, but then cling to and save one another instead) Boris begins to not just have fun and have sex and have freedom with Theo (all okay things by Boris’ standards as long as it is secret) — after that scene and they sleep together and Boris satisfies that teenaged human sexual need... they continue to hookup and be at bliss for a very long, happy time where they both begin to psychologically heal— Boris doesn’t just have sex and fun with Theo, he realizes he starts to love Theo.

Love - an extremely foreign concept to Boris who literally freaks the fuck out because he has no baseline for it. It isn’t the type of “love” that his father gives him (violent, untrustworthy), it isn’t the type of “love” the men who grew up around valued (cheap parking lot sex), it isn’t the kind of “love” his idol Larry has with Xandra (Larry lies to Xandra all the time), it isn’t the kind of “love” Boris has seen in his favorite movies (men and women over and over). No, this love with Theo is very very scary to him. Very perhaps dangerous. He doesn’t know.

I think Boris accepts his physical attraction to men as nbd. I think he probably feels most people feel such attractions or some other harmless private desires that certain people may see as an aberrant from “normal” for whatever reason (either typical kinks and silly hush hush sex shop porno stuff - or other far more despicable things he’s witnessed his father’s men do) and so thinks nothing of his own innocent, consensual goodtime-centered desires. Boris, who likely grew up with little exposure to healthy LGBTQ representation and has a very isolated POV in some ways, likely to some degree at the Vegas point in his life (however casually self-accepting he is) equates same-sex attraction with hush hush taboo sex activities — nothing to be ashamed of, but you’re not going to tell your dad.

As long as it is a personal thing, for him only, Boris embraces it. But it is the emotionality, the healing, the care, the love that freaks Boris out and makes him make a run for it to Kotku — only to recede to what he knows and repeat the exact kind of fake “love” he was taught by his father: unbelievable exclamations of devotion (Boris’ dad sobbing and telling him he loves him + “I love her I love her! She’s beautiful and perfect!”) coupled with the black truth (Boris’ dad beating the shit out of him + Boris beating Kotku).

Boris knows he likes boys but when he starts to love one — that’s when he runs away. Because that means something totally different: societally and personally.

#ask #anon #the goldfinch #boreo

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mychemicalficrecs · 4 years

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I had an ask about Ray/Mikey fics a few days ago and I finally had the time to make one 😅 I realized that kind of a lot of my bookmarks for this ship are smut but since the ask didn't specify, I mostly left those out. (If you want the porn, you gotta tell me *eyebrow waggle*) I added some cool stuff that I found on AO3 to make up for what my bookmark are lacking, though!

Ray/Mikey

you wanna get it for free by akamine_chan, 2k, Explicit. Ray's a wrestler, you see...

The Fundamental Theorem of Philosophically Inclined Music Majors or How Mikey Way Almost Invented the Flux Capacitor by notthequiettype, 4k, Teen And Up Audiences. College AU. Ray's writing his senior thesis; Mikey's just the TA to help him.

That Rockstar Shit by ladyfoxxx, 2k, General Audiences. It's not that Mikey's never noticed Ray. He just never thought Ray had noticed him.

clear and present danger by Trojie, 5k, Mature. In which Mikey is the failiest most disaster-prone stick insect, and Ray scoops him out of harm's way a lot

Hallelujah (Lock and Load) by fictionalaspect, 6k, Teen And Up Audiences. Mikey pauses in front of him on his way into the kitchen. "Where did your hair go," he says. He waves a hand around his face in an accurate approximation of Ray's unruly orange halo. "Oh," Ray says, looking up, and tugs his hair out of the elastic band he'd found in the silverware drawer. He shakes it out for a moment, looks up at Mikey through the curtain, and then ties it back again when Mikey nods like he's satisfied. "Just checking," Mikey says, over his shoulder. "Your hair is a constant in my life."

Tell Me Something True by ladyfoxxx, 15k, Explicit. Mikey and Ray – friends, bandmates, brothers, zonerunners, lovers, killjoys. A story that spans fourteen years.

Mikey Gets His Man by Green, 6k, Explicit. Mikey is a size queen.

Release the Bats by Sena, 10k, Mature. Sure, Mikey's a vampire, but Ray's okay with that. He's still Mikey, after all, still Ray's friend, still dorky and sweet and funny and amazing and, yeah. Maybe Ray likes him as more than just a friend.

L For Lucky (M for Mine) by orphan_account, 42k, Explicit. “Yeah, look.” Mikey turns his head to peer at the crowd over his shoulder. “This is going to seem weird, but.” He stares behind him and seems, for a moment, at a loss for words. “Well, there’s no tasteful way to say it.” Mikey looks Ray in the eye and just shrugs. “This is a highly organized sexual gathering for very specifically kinky people.” Ray feels a bit of spittle lodge in his throat and tries his best not to sputter when he disagrees, “That’s actually a pretty tasteful description of an orgy.”

Catching Pieces of a Fallen Sky by snarkydame, Ray/Mikey, Frank/Gerard, 21k, Mature. Ray and Frank are the only survivors of the Jersey Queen, an independent freighter hit by (space!) pirates. In the chaos, the doomed ship took a blind jump through the hyperways, leaving them stranded in a dark and lonely quadrant of space. Mikey and Gerard are the last remaining crew of a legendary "ghost" ship, the Ravenkroft, which has been lost for the fifty years since the War that Broke the Stations. They've been avoiding inhabited space due to emotional scarring from the loss of their crew, and a feeling of isolation due to the fact that they are in fact cyborgs. They pick up Ray and Frank's escape pod, and promise to help them. In the process, old feeling of guilt are assuaged, new emotional ties are wrought, and the legendary ship comes home.

For a Different View by impertinence, 50k, Explicit. AU. Ray Toro is a girl, Rae, but MCR is still just MCR. (Written for bandombigbang '08.)

There Is Just One Thing I Need by Honestmouse, 13k, Teen And Up Audiences. Just a short, sweet one shot about Mikey Way and Christmas time. Except wait, life isn't exactly a Hallmark movie. Mikey could tell you that first hand. Life isn't just kisses in the falling snow and sugary sweets. Sometimes, your gift on Christmas isn't the newest band merch or a nice gift card. Sometimes... sometimes that gift is a person.

3,2,1. We came to... by DisenchantedHalo (Morgawse), 12k, Explicit. Ray is challenged by Frank to come up with a 'fun' way to pass their time in the New Jersey State Prison. Mikey thinks it ought to involve a way of them getting out, because none of them belong in there - right? Ray remembers that early on in his time with his cell-mates, Gerard told a story about using the energy of your orgasm to get what you want. What could be better than combining all three?

This ain't a hero complex, it's a goddamn compulsion by daniomalley, 13k, Teen And Up Audiences. Mikey is on a desperate and dangerous mission, and encounters an unexpected ally along the way. But Ray has some secrets of his own, and they're catching up to him.

If You've Seen True Light by dear_monday, 8k, Teen And Up Audiences. Mikey is, first, last and forever, what they want him to be. He can't help it, it's in his blueprint. The mortals wrought him from nothingness with the power of their belief in him, and he is what they made him. They brought him to life and circumstances pinned the title of Hades on him, and so it goes. Ray, meanwhile, is the Torchbearer, tasked with leading souls back up to the world of the living, light and life incarnate. And when he crosses the river into the underworld, he sets something in motion that neither of them can escape. (tw: discussion of death, but no actual character death.)

Need a Spark to Ignite by daniomalley, 5k, General Audiences. Written for no_tags, for the prompt: Mikey/Ray - Mikey's running out of things to break on his car just for a chance to spend more time with Ray, the ridiculously good looking mechanic.

I'm Feeling Badly, It's Not An Attempt At Decency by annemari, 17k, Explicit. Mikey enjoys being the lead singer of Asthma. It's a good time, and people like them and his bandmates are pretty cool. But everything changes when Silver Skull finds them. Now they're on the run and Mikey has no idea where to go. He ends up staying at his buddy Ray's place. Ray's fucking great, and he probably won't kick Mikey out. Things would be pretty good, if only Mikey could stop being such an asshole. And why the fuck does Ray keep insisting that Mikey has a brother?

Softly Caught The Penny In His Paw by ichangbaek, 7k, Teen And Up Audiences. The words "That'll be ___ dollars ... Enjoy your afternoon" never change. As Ray visits the comic store over the months, he observes the guy sitting there watching the world pass by. He can't help thinking that the guy seems a little sad and maybe he should get to know him more.

Define Mate by gala_apples, 10k, Mature. Love is complicated. You can love your grandfather while not wanting to clean up after the remnants of his life. You can love your boyfriend while not being able to forgive him. And you can love yourself while wishing that you didn’t have so many fucking emotions. When Ray is given the opportunity to make his mental state simpler, more primal, less conflicted, he takes it.

Before this Damage by yekoc, 10k, Explicit. The car’s the exact color of the earth, brown-roasted nothing, dust, and Jet Star dropped it a fucking mile and a half down the road, in the shaded dip behind a half-assed hill. Mikey’s sweating by the time they reach it, bandanna soaked through, and he whips it off and ties it around his forehead to keep the drops out of his eyes. In which Mikey goes looking for the rest of the Killjoys along with Ray, who isn't one of them.

FABULOUS Killjoys by iamdali, 15k, Mature. The Fabulous Killjoys have got a wedding to plan, and it's time for everyone to get involved. Gerard wants to throw his brother the best wedding this post apocalyptic world has to offer, and Frank's right by his side to lend a helping hand. It's all about love in the desert this year, so keep your gun close and your loved ones closer.

#fic rec list #ray/mikey #rikey

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