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So I just dug through voice lines for the royal family to find out once and for all how they say their names.
Here are the results, and where to find a few repetitions of them (if possible, Phares is said once only to my knowledge) if you're on the nonexistent private servers, so you can hear them yourself in case my attempted transcription isn't good or you think I'm fibbing. Some are as expected, a few might surprise you, but I'm listing them all here as a resource I guess?
Leonidas: Lee-oh-neye-das (emphasis on the 'eye', it's not an 'ii' sound like Leonii-das as I've heard said. This still might be confusing. The i is said like we would say I, the word. 'I' hope this helps)
Where can you hear it? Phares', Gala Audric's collection portrait.
Phares: Far-ress (this one threw me through a huge loop, I was running with 'fair-rays' kinda like Pharoah in my head!)
Where to hear it? Valyx's 2-D portrait lines. Niche, cursed knowledge for me.
Chelle: Shell. That's it, easy. (Her JP name is 'chess' though!)
Where? Valyx's 2D portrait lines, Phares'/Gala Audric's collection portrait lines, Leonidas home screen
Valyx: Val-licks. Again, pretty much expected.
Where? Gala Audric's/Phares' collection portraits
Beren: Bear-ren. (Or 'Barren', I suppose! His name is BeBe in JP if I recall right!)
Where? Bondforged Euden's home screen lines
Emile: Eh-me-hl. Expected.
Where? Phares/G!Audric/Valyx collection portraits
Euden: You-den.
Where? Gala Leonidas' 2D portrait
EDIT: the dragalia team was sneaky, I remember people freaking out when Leonidas said Euden's name, but then I remembered they changed it by keeping the line the same and replacing 'Euden' with 'my brother'! But you can still find the clip, just not in game. But he did say it!
Zethia: Zeh-thi-ah. Dunno how to transcribe it but it's like the most common name said by Euden. Click any of his version's lines and you'll probably find it somewhere.
Where? See above, just look for a Euden and you'll find it sooner than later, even his base version.
Nedrick: Ned-drick. Wow, much shock.
Where: Valyx's 2D portrait, Bondforged Euden's collection portrait.
So there! Any that surprised you? If so, which one got you? I personally was so proud I had Leonidas right since everyone I asked about thought it was something different, but I was thoroughly bamboozled by Phares and have. Complicated thoughts. Regarding the matter.
#Dragalia#dragalia lost#pronunciation...guide? I guess?#I'm no transcriptor but I think they make sense to me so I hope it helps!
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while we're on the topic
the reason my art doesnt have image description is because it's a skill i dont have, i am not good at describing things in general in english, and also it's very time consuming, time i dont have. i already struggled to finish that sketch thing as is. yes, the reason why those three are badly drawn are because of that (it added to The Funny, but still)
if anyone adds image descriptions to my posts i will very happily reblog them!
but as it stands right now (it may change in the future- i hope it does) i personally am not able to write original image descriptions. if the author gives me permission tho, i will edit my original post and add them with credit
#it just got me thinking about image descriptions#and why didnt i add them actually#and yeah thinking about it im not able to akjdksk#so yes#thank you to image descriptors your work is not unnoticed and it's heavily appreciated#i understand the struggle cuz i need the audio transcriptors sometimes#both because hearing people speak english is hard for me some days and because the audio processor in my brain is shit#ALDKKSKSK#double whammy! /collapses to the floor#ah goddammit i tend to ramble easily why am i telling you this#<- will continue to ramble any time i can anyways
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Old Friends #3
Masterpost
Previous
Next
Note: Charlie, the doctor, uses they/them pronouns.
Warnings: mentions of stitches, implied past non-con, mentions of violence
In the field, he was Techmaster. At base, he was just Theo.
“I can do my own stitches,” he protested.
“Are you a doctor?” asked Charlie. They tugged the suture line.
“I’ve done plenty on myself before.”
“That still doesn’t give you an M.D.”
Theo knew a losing battle when he saw one. “How’s Laith?”
“Stable,” they said, tying off the knot. “He’ll live.”
He hesitated.
“Just between you and me,” said Theo, voice going low. “Nightclaw forced him into sex.”
Charlie paused. “I can’t run any testing without consent, but I’ll do a check for active bleeding.”
“Thank you.”
___________________
Theo scrolled through the information, bank records, auto registrations, and “donations” filling the screen.
He could see the reflection of Mateo hovering behind him. He wasn’t as subtle as he thought he was.
“What?” snapped Theo.
“Just checking on you.”
“I don’t need to be checked on.”
Mateo, known as Guardian to the public, stepped down onto the floor. “Right. What are you working on?”
Theo sighed, the swivel chair turning slightly as he slumped in his seat.
“Laith’s court transcript at sentencing doesn’t match the audio recording. The recording matches his memory, but the transcript doesn’t.”
“So he really was sentenced to thirty years?”
Theo turned abruptly. “You were listening in?”
Mateo sheepishly rubbed the back of his head.
“What did you hear?” he demanded.
“Everything,” admitted Mateo.
Theo turned back to the computer, guilt swirling in his gut.
“I won’t say anything,” he promised. “I won’t tell him I know.”
“Good. He wouldn’t take it well.”
There was a pause. Mateo leaned over to look at the screen’s text.
“What do these have to do with our case?”
Theo highlighted a section of text. “See this deposit? It’s from a brand new account, into a certain court transcriptor’s savings. And these luxury cars went to a series of prison guards. And a generous donation to a judge’s cancer foundation. I doubt that it actually made it into the charity’s hands.”
“So Nightclaw got the records changed. And paid off everyone who would notice.”
“Exactly. He didn’t want anyone looking for Laith. Even Wikipedia edited the listed sentence a couple years later, citing the transcript, and news channels and papers made revisions to match.”
Mateo whistled low and long. “Impressive. So what do you want to do?”
Theo rubbed the bridge of his nose. His eyes were getting dry from staring at the screen.
“I don’t know. The timing of the bribes suggests he was in prison for at least a little while. I’m tempted to just forget about it. Time served and all.”
Mateo nodded. “I’d do the same. Thirty years is ridiculous.”
“Knock knock,” called Beatrice from the doorway. She was in her armor, which was unusual considering the down time.
“Hey,” said Mateo, turning. Theo raised a hand in greeting and kept working. He was attempting to hack into Nightclaw’s system, but it was slow going.
“You should be resting, Theo.”
“I am resting. I’m sitting down.”
“Uh huh. Did you learn anything while you were with Nightclaw?”
Theo pulled up the file they had on Nightclaw’s current plans. It was pitiful, just a few lines of text.
“Nothing important,” he admitted. “Just that he’s more sadistic than we guessed. Oh, and he has a new model of power dampeners. They deliver shocks, but they’re easy to pick if you aren’t the one wearing it. I’m sure that will change soon.”
“I heard about the burns on our prisoner,” said Beatrice, her reflection on the screen nodding.
“He’s not a prisoner. He didn’t do anything wrong.”
“That we know of,” she pointed out. “It could be a ruse.”
“I don’t think so-”
“It isn’t-” said Mateo and Theo at the same time.
Beatrice shrugged. “If you say so.”
Theo turned around in his chair, leaning forward, shoulders tense. “He wasn’t working with Nightclaw willingly. He was a slave, Beatrice.”
She looked at him, her gaze steady. “Are you certain?”
___________________
Laith sat up in bed, wiping away his furious tears. Shame and disgust flooded him. What he wouldn’t give for a hot shower.
The door opened again. He tucked his head into his knees. He didn’t want to see Techmaster again.
“I thought I told you to go away,” he muttered, bitter.
“Not that I’m aware of,” said the person, voice light but deadly.
He looked up.
Warrior, the warrior, looked back at him, her green eyes as intense at the rest of her. Her armor was gold with red details, sleek and more intimidating up close than the news broadcasts made it seem.
To make matters worse, she was wearing her helm and her staff was in her hand.
She never stabbed anyone with the blade on top, allegedly, but it looked razor sharp.
Laith froze.
Warrior strode forward, towering over him. She must be at least six-foot-three.
He couldn’t help but tremble.
“Tell me about Nightclaw.” Her tone was like a suggestion, but it was phrased as an order. He knew better than to challenge her.
“What do you want to know?” he said, resigned to an interrogation.
Warrior tilted her head, her long blonde hair shifting. She looked him up and down, cataloging his injuries.
“His plans, obviously.”
Laith’s blood ran cold.
“I don’t know the specifics,” he said. “Just that he wants power. World domination, the usual.”
Warrior raised a brow. “Everyone knows those things.”
“I really don’t know his plans. If I could tell you I would.”
“Would you?” she challenged.
“I- what do you want from me?” he protested weakly. “I was his plaything, not his strategist.”
“Tell me about that, then.”
Laith squeezed his eyes shut. “Please don’t make me,” he whispered.
Warrior could probably crush his bones with two fingers, but he had to try.
He heard the sound of metal clinking, and he cracked open an eye. Warrior had collapsed her staff until it was just a dagger, and she clipped it to her belt. She took off her helm, and sat on the end of the bed, holding it in her lap.
___________________
She considered him. He didn’t look like a dangerous person, but looks could be deceiving. Still, there was honest terror in his purple eyes, and his body was splashed with violence. Deep dark undereyes betrayed exhaustion, and Laith’s positioning screamed despair.
He looked so small. Weak.
Laith closed his eyes. “Please don’t make me,” he pleaded. She needed a different technique if she wanted answers.
Beatrice put her staff away and sat on the end of the bed. He looked at her, faint confusion on his face.
“Is Laith your real name?” she asked, coaxing cooperation.
He nodded.
“I heard that he shocked you.”
“Yeah.”
“Often?”
“Uh huh.”
Beatrice waited patiently. It was amazing how silence could encourage sharing.
Laith licked his dry cracked lips. “He beat me,” he said simply. “All the time. He’d hold me by my hair and use a metal rod sometimes. But mostly he just used his hands.”
Beatrice nodded along.
“He liked it whenever I begged him to stop,” continued Laith, “He called me his dog. And-” his voice cracked, and she waited for him to keep going.
But Laith shook his head, refusing to voice his thoughts.
Beatrice had heard enough, anyway. Her gut told her Theo’s hunch was right.
“And you don’t recall anything about his plans?” she asked, as gentle as she could manage.
“No.” Laith rested his head back on his knees.
She stood up. “If you remember anything, even if it’s small, let me know, okay?”
Laith hesitated.
“There might be something,” he admitted. “I don’t know-”
“What is it?”
Laith looked down at the bed sheets. “He- he had me get him some uranium.”
Panic flared in her chest. “What for?” Please don’t be nuclear bombs.
“It was a while ago. I thought it was just for fun,” he explained, too slowly for her liking. “His fun, anyway. He was developing new power-dampeners.” He picked at the one on his ankle.
He looked up at her, and must have read the confusion on her face. “They’re made with uranium. I don’t know why or how they work, but-” he shrugged. “He does. He was making new ones all the time.”
“What kind of new ones? Was there a pattern?” She prodded, alarmed.
“Smaller, I guess. Ones that weren’t bands or cuffs. I don’t know anything more. Does that help?”
“It does. Thank you.” She smiled at him, and his face turned from open to closed in a flash.
“Whatever,” he said, flippant.
“I’ll let you rest.” She stepped away, and with her super hearing, heard his sigh of relief.
taglist: @paintedpigeon1 @loserwithsyle
#behold! names! and plot!#3/5! two more chapters to post and one to write! (yeah the finale is already typed and ready to go)#my writing#whump#old friends#villain whump#villain whumpee#hero caretaker#hero carewhumpee#hero whumpee#hero whump
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Im so miserable that beamon inst on the qsmp, not only because she does gut-wrenching amazing rp and she would be a great addition to the server
She is so fucking funny like look at her
[TRANSLATION/TRANSCRIP]
[Cellbit]: The dev is watching, you gonna get banned
[Ljoga]: Hey dev ban bea,please
(Beamon):No please im not- im LGBT* i give you pink money! Dont ban me please
[Rakin]: men i can take this bro
{Later}
[Cellbit]:"brazilian woman are very pretty" look the dev is already flirting with yall, bea watch out
(Beamon): what did he said?
[Cellbit]: he said "brazilian woman are pretty"
(Beamon): Oh did he?
[Ljoga]: he was talking to me~
(Beamon): AND BRAZILIAN WOMAN WITH COCK-
TRANSLATOR/TRANSCRIPTOR NOTE
*bea is the T in lgbt, she is a transwoman
#qsmp#beamon#not her funniest moment but like#its in english and english speakers have boring humor so yall will like it#taging cellbit just because he is on the video#cellbit#qsmp cellbit#cellbit qsmp
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The Case of Rachel Elizabeth Dare
Rachel Elizabeth Dare is an enigma. Leo thinks that she's made up. Hazel and Bianca throw their lot in with her being a goddess. Nico swears it's a coincidence. And so on and so forth. No one knows who - or what - Rachel Elizabeth Dare is. And so they meet to discuss it.
(It's a crackfic. Don't take this summary too seriously.)
for best results, read on ao3!
trigger warnings: the COVID-19 pandemic is referenced
[TRANSCRIPT OF THE MEETING OF JULY 6TH, 2052 (as estimated), as recorded by Grover Underwood]
ANNABETH CHASE, OWL: That exhausts our list. Are there any other concerns to be made?
LEO VALDEZ, MECH: Yes, Head Councilwoman. I bring the Case of Rachel Elizabeth Dare. I believe she is not real and never as been; you must surely be playing a prank on me!
PERCY JACKSON, SEASTAR: Rachel is real! We've all seen her! Except Leo, of course.
OWL: I agree. Rachel is real; she is also immortal.
NICO DI ANGELO, SKELETON: No, it's just a coincidence. I think you're lying about seeing her in the Hadrian period, at least.
HAZEL LEVESQUE, GEMSTONE: I saw what I saw! And it's not just a coincidence! She's got to be a god.
SHADOW: Perhaps even God Himself.
(GEMSTONE, SKELETON's sister, sputters. SKELETON is notably Catholic despite his time travelling. But who are we to judge?)
BIANCA DI ANGELO, SHADOW: She's pretty enough to be a god. I agree with Hazel.
(And there's the third member of our sibling trio. Bianca is not as religious as Nico, and prefers pissing him off, anyway.)
SKELETON, increasingly frustrated: That's only because you like to kiss her.
SHADOW: Guilty as charged, I suppose.
OWL: Wait, guys, we need a spreadsheet. Leo's under 'nonbeliever'-
MECH: Nonbeliever!?
OWL: Shut up. Percy, you're-
SEASTAR: Immortal.
OWL: Great. Me too. Nico is under coincidence, and Hazel and Bianca are under goddess.
GEMSTONE: Well, Nico's wrong. How can there be a bunch of identical people named Rachel Elizabeth Dare? In places no one should be named Rachel Elizabeth Dare, no less!
MECH: I still think you guys are lying!
SKELETON: Shut up, Leo.
MECH: Hey!
GROVER UNDERWOOD, PANCRIER (and your transcriptor): Put me down under fellow unregistered time traveller.
OWL: How can she be an unregistered time traveller? Plus, if she was, she'd stay far away from us registered time travellers?
PANCRIER: Bianca was the first to see her, right? Maybe Rachel developed a crush and decided that the rest of us were safe.
SHADOW: Come on! We're not dating or even remotely involved!
GEMSTONE, dryly: Stop lying. I walked in on you making out with her in a closet!
SKELETON: Can't believe Bianca's cheating on the Rachels with other Rachels.
GEMSTONE: They're the same person! And why are you judging me for dating a god!
MECH: so you are dating. Or is this just a cover-up for the fact that Bianca can't get a date.
GEMSTONE: Shut up!
DREW TANAKA, MIRROR: I've met her. We went shopping for makeup and dresses.
MECH: So she talks to you and not me!?
MIRROR: It's because I'm better than you.
SHADOW: Drew's right.
MECH: I hate you all. Why am I here?
OWL: You couldn't live without us.
SEASTAR: Also, I'm the only person who can surpass your sarcastic genius.
MECH, notably sarcastic: Of course. How will I ever catch up?
PANCRIER: We are part of a dignified organization. We are part of a dignified organization.
GEMSTONE, SHADOW, OWL, and SEASTAR: of course.
PANCRIER: I should quit.
SEASTAR: I'd miss you, though.
PANCRIER: Never mind. I will not quit.
MIRROR: Sap.
OWL: Shut up, Drew.
MIRROR: Why do I go to these meetings, anyway?
OWL: Because Piper quit.
MIRROR: Piper never had to handle a deadly situation in her life.
OWL: But you're... you.
SHADOW: Enough about my love life. What about Annabeth and Drew's?
OWL and MIRROR, simultaneously: No.
SEASTAR: Perhaps we should not discuss this, dear cousin of mine.
[SHADOW rolls her eyes. GEMSTONE pats her on the back.]
SKELETON: I'm going to the bathroom.
[SKELETON leaves.]
OWL: He's not coming back, is he?
MIRROR: No, of course not. I would leave, too, but you need someone with a head on their shoulders.
PANCRIER: What about me?
MIRROR: You also have a head on your shoulders. But I cannot confine you to this duty alone, hon.
PANCRIER: Sure.
[PANCRIER would like to note that he is the only sane person here.]
MECH: Anyway, back on topic, Festus tells me that he has seen Rachel, but only when I have to leave him behind. Can't believe you guys have manipulated him.
PANCRIER: We haven't. Besides, I think Rachel has powers of prophecy.
OWL: The only power people have is time travel, from experience.
PANCRIER: Yeah but consider. Also, I have my codename for a reason?
OWL: Yeah, it's because you have an extraordinary loud scream.
PANCRIER: Extraordinary is close enough to magic, isn't it?
OWL: Also, prophecy could be explained by the actual time travel.
PANCRIER: What if she's a clone? And she's cloned herself a million times? And that's why she's everywhere?
SEASTAR: Or she could have a way to track us and use it for mischief.
SHADOW: Thus supporting Hazel's and my goddess theory.
MIRROR: Yeah, I buy that.
[OWL jots that down on her table.]
MIRROR: But we should also ask everyone else. Because there's like forty of us.
OWL: Thirty-nine, actually.
MIRROR: I said 'like forty', not actually forty.
OWL: Semantics.
MECH: I still think you guys are pulling a Goncharov.
SEASTAR: Goncharov? I haven't heard of that before.
MECH: A relic of the 2020s, during the COVID-19 pandemic, you know? This blogging site that went kind of archaic - still active though, like a cockroach - found some fake movie label called Goncharov, produced by this Martin guy. Anyway, they went kind of insane.
PANCRIER: Ooh, I did an essay in high school about it.
SEASTAR: Why?
PANCRIER: You know, early internet stuff. Very interesting.
OWL: Eh, I'm more of a mid-late internet person, before the complete purge of the internet in- you know what? This isn't relevant.
[OWL is getting a little frustrated. Honestly, I don't know how she always sticks to a schedule. Also, OWL notably does not like Rachel Elizabeth Dare.]
SHADOW: We should give Rachel a codename.
GEMSTONE: Seconded.
SEASTAR: Thirded.
MECH: Fourthed.
PANCRIER: That's not a word.
MECH: Neither is pancrier, cry me a river.
SEASTAR: I, for one, propose the codename RED.
MIRROR: That's the stupidest code name I've ever heard.
SEASTAR: Have a better idea?
[MIRROR remains silent.]
GEMSTONE: What about Bianca's True Love? We can call her BTL for short.
SHADOW: First off, I object that nickname. Second off, BTL sounds way too close to BLT.
GEMSTONE: Which is your favourite sandwich.
SHADOW: And?
MIRROR: Actually, I have an idea. ORACLE, for her proposed prophecy powers. And because it sounds cool.
SEASTAR: Wouldn't that be an issue due to the Oracle not being allowed to date?
SHADOW: It will not, because no one's dating the Oracle.
MIRROR: Did that just come up in conversation? You're my best friend, Bianca, and I can't believe that you don't realize she's flirting with you.
SHADOW: She's not flirting with me. I asked, like a normal person.
GEMSTONE: Why did you ask?
OWL: Guys, we can't keep talking about SHADOW's admittedly disastrous love life. Personally, I like ORACLE.
MIRROR: Because it's a good codename.
SEASTAR: All who like ORACLE, say aye?
MIRROR, OWL, GEMSTONE, SHADOW, and PANCRIER: Aye.
SEASTAR: All who dislike ORACLE, say nay?
SEASTAR and MECH: Nay.
MIRROR: See, this is why you benefit from my genius. Ow!
[SEASTAR has kicked MIRROR's leg under the table. All laugh, except MIRROR.]
OWL, regaining her composure: Meeting adjourned. I am exhausted, and will have a cup of tea.
End transcript.
#crackfic#annabeth chase#percy jackson#leo valdez#nico di angelo#bianca di angelo#hazel levesque#drew tanaka#grover underwood#percy jackson and the olympians#pjo#heroes of olympus#hoo#trials of apollo#toa#pjo hoo toa#rachianca#i guess???
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Hello and welcome to the Shoot From the Hip Transcript tumblr blog!
This blog is where transcripts/subtitles/(eventually) translations for SFTH videos made by myself and other people will be posted for people to read.
This blog's website (sfth-transcripts.tumblr.com) has:
An ask button, If you have any questions, suggestions or feedback.
A submit button, in order to submit transcripts (more details below).
And a "Plays in Order" button, in order to view the links to all the currently transcripted longforms.
For me, transcripting takes many hours in order to complete them with the details that I put in. Moreover, I have to prioritise my school work and balance my other interests so I will probably be really slow with updates.
But this isn't all me,this blog also posts transcripts other people have written. You can add transcripts you have written by submitting them to this blog.
(update) Please know that we already have organised who out of the usual transcriptors are working on which play for some consistency between transcripts and to keep the overall transcribing/proofreading/subtitling/translating team from being too large, so only those people are working on transcripts are going to be submitting them.
Who am I? You can call me Ducky (any pronouns), my main blog is @ducklingducky and I'm ducky_duckling on discord and I'm currently in college (british).
Fully finished transcipts will be tagged with #sfth transcripts and updates on transcripts as #transcript updates.
Thank you for reading!
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Yan Mad Dogs with fast speaker foreign reader.
Not only they speak fats that it's hard to understand what they're saying, but they're also foreign and because of that it's even harder to understand them (the accent-)
(My friends said that sometimes they pretend they understand me when irl they're just viking to my accent lmaoooo) (Idk why I speak fast, I just do) (My whole family does this-) (hopefully there are more readers like me)
I get this completely- even though I’m better at English than my native language, if I speak fast my English gets sloppy (bcs idk I will always struggle pronouncing things in English) so people ask me to repeat shit-
Tw: mention of anxiety
Rather Eat Beeswax:
I think for the most part he just asks you to repeat it, especially since he seems the dude to space out sometimes. If he’s feeling anxious in any way or form he’ll probably tell you to shush and holds you really fucking tightly.
Llama with Zaza:
He’ll do the “charming prince” act and like shush you then tell you to calm down. Then will he only listen, and you know he’s speaking in the tone. And like I feel he usually understands since he gives “can understand all accents”.
Delighted Cheese and Jam:
He literally gives deaf- like partial deaf (me fr-). Well either way, I think he would have either a transcriptor AI or literally just tell you to speak slowly. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to teach your English better. Istg you’re going to die of constantly having to repeat words until you get it close or even perfect.
Massacre of Bananas:
He literally will force himself to either pick up your accent and understand it, or straight up learn the language you’re most fluent in. He would think it makes him closer to you. He’ll definitely try to speak to you in it, praising you constantly.
#rottmnt#tmnt#yandere#yandere x reader#yandere rottmnt#yandere tmnt#rottmnt x reader#tmnt x reader#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rise of the tmnt#Tmnt 2018#blurbs
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transcription of george's stream
I wanted to put this somewhere so that people could access it, any spelling mistakes are my own error, i tried my best.
George states that he pre-recorded this due to several screenshots he has that add to his points and due to the fact that he wanted this to be done as perfectly accurate as it happened. He says he’s telling the whole story, so while some things may seem irrelevant, he’s including them to lay out all the facts.
TRANSCRIPT
Okay, so, this is my side of the story of the 2 times that I ever interacted with caiti in real life. So the first time that I met her it was in Dream’s hotel room at vidcon . To give context about Dream’s hotel room, essentially it was a bigger room than average, it’s not just a bed in a room like a typical hotel room is. Essentially it’s, there was a living room, there was a table, and the bedroom was separated from it. And for this reason we used his hotel room essentially as a place where all of our friends would hang out in. Vidcon is a 4 day long event, so we actually used it quite frequently throughout these four days, and we had creators, friends, in and out of these rooms throughout the whole event.
The first night that I actually met caiti, I was with Dream in his hotel room, and Dream was in a groupchat with 5 other people. These 5 people include: caitibugs, her best friend, and three other of her friends. Now, these five people, they were at an official vidcon afterparty and they wanted to, they wanted Dream to go meet up with them and hang out with them. But Dream didn’t actually want to hang out with them, and the reason is because at the time he was wearing his Dream mask a lot and he felt uncomfortable wearing it, because it’s just, the whole mask on your face, so he just didn’t wanna go to the party particularly. He even suggested that they shouldn't come because he was assuming that they were having more fun where they were.
[Image 1 appears on camera at this point, at the left side of the screen. It’s a screenshot from a text conversation (presumably twitter), though it doesn’t specify who the messages are from. Transcriptor will be referring to the person sending messages to the phone as 1 and the person whose phone it is as 2. It reads:
1- what if ghostie and caitie come back w me too
2 - maybe
idk what my friendos are up to
i’m still at corn dogs with some friends
but leaving shortly
1- wanna play that game from last night
2- it might just be us 4
for a bit at least
1- well make it fun
2- I don’t want to take them away from the party
The last message from 2 is highlighted. End image 1 ID.]
They reassured him that that wasn’t the case, they were bored, and they wanted to come.
[Image 2 appears on the screen. More messages, presumably same people as image 1.
2- are ghost and caiti having fun
1- not rly
[short message censored by a red bar]
would u be ok if we come over?
End image 2 ID.]
So now these 5 people are trying to come to the hotel, but the problem with that is, to get into the hotel you need to have a vidcon creator badge and only 2 of the people in the groupchat actually had this badge, that was Caitie and her best friend.
[Image 3 appears on screen. A vidcon creator badge is shown. End ID.]
[Image 4 appears on screen. Text messages from someone whose name and pic are blocked with a red bar. Their texts read: passed to the hyatt? passes? 2 out of 5. End ID.]
So eventually what happened is Caitie and two of her other friends came to Dream’s hotel room. This was my first time actually meeting them in real life, I didn’t even know who they were before meeting them. And then we essentially just were playing drinking games in the hotel room, we were just having fun, talking with each other, nothing crazy in particular.
Now one thing Caitie said retrospectivly, looking back at the scenario, is that I was flirting with her throughout the night and that she was uncomfortable with this because of our age difference. At the time she was 18 and I was 26. She actually assumed I didn’t know her age because she had never said it but then later I had DM’d her on Instagram and because of this she said that it is confirmed that I know her age. To give context to this scenario and to why I didn’t know her age, my perspective of things is that I am with people that are over the age of 21, in a scenario where we are doing things that people over the age of 21 are doing, like drinking, and also the people that came, came from an event where they have very heavy security.
This was an official vidcon afterparty and with previous vidcon afterparties I’ve even had problems getting into these events. There was one time where they didn’t let me in because they couldn’t confirm the legitimacy of my UK ID, they said they weren’t trained to look at foreign IDs, so they didn’t even let me in despite me being 26 at the time.
And also since caiti’s stream, I’ve gone back and reviewed texts from that time, and there was actually a picture where it was shown that they have this 21+ wristband on one of their wrists.
[Image 5 appears on screen. It is a cropped picture of someone’s arm with a wristband reading “Over 21” . End picture 5 ID.]
So from my perspective, it’s a bunch of 21+ year olds… hanging out. I had no reason to think otherwise. Other than her Instagram bio, but I just didn’t see it. But anyway, nothing actually particularly happened at this first night that we were hanging out, everything was very friendly, we went our separate ways, and that was the end of the first night.
Then the second time that we hung out was the next night after this. So we wake up the next day, we do vidcon stuff, after we’re done that’s the final day of vidcon, so vidcon is now technically over but we have one more night at the hotel before we need to leave next morning. And actually at this point I actually had a friend that I’d only known online meet up with me for the first time. And the whole time I had known him he had lived in a different country, he was actually living in Japan. And I told him I was going to vidcon and he actually just happened to be in California at the same date so the dates aligned and we made plans to meet up.
[Image 6. Screenshots of a text conversation between George and his friend. They will be referred to as G and F. Texts read:
G- I think you’re probably good to come but possibly if we go somewhere you won’t be able to get in and that would be an L lol
I have an extra bed in my room so you can stay extra if you want (winky face emoji)
I’m busy until like 5pm but should be good after that
F- Fuck yea ill be there sat
End image 6 ID.]
Now, he arrived early evening, I think it was around 5-6 pm. We were just hanging out in my room. Dream messaged me “I’m bored”, “can you come to my room, let’s hang out” essentially.
[Image 7. Screenshots of texts between Dream and George. Texts read:
Dream – or we can do something else rn
George – I have my friend with me
Japanese guy from TeamSpeak lol
lmd what we do
Dream – who’re you with now
George – Just my friend
Dream – are you just in your room
George – Yeah
Dream – do you wanna come to mine
1607
End image 7 ID.]
That’s what we did; me and my friend, that I just met- physically, I mean I knew him online- went up to Dream’s room and we were hanging out. And again, the same scenario happens from the night before. They are trying to get him to go out to another party that they were at, and same story, Dream didn’t wanna go but was open to them coming here.
[Image 8. Screenshots of a text conversation. Two people’s names are censored by red and blue bars, but Dream is presumably person being texted. Texts read:
Red – clay.
i can’t believe you didn’t come.
this is devastating.
Dream – the ops are here
are you still there
Blue -L
come
End image 8 ID.]
And again, that is what happened. This time, the friends were actually all able to get in, I don’t know how they did it. But Caitie, her best friend, and three other of her friends ended up coming to the room which had me, Dream, and my online friend that I’d just met. So eight people total in this room at this point.
This night was very similar to the one before, we were just hanging out, playing games, drinking, and just having a good time. There’s another thing I wanna point out before I continue with the rest of the story, it’s the way that she phrases some things in her story. Instead of saying that her and the rest of her friends had wanted to come to the hotel to come hang out with us, she said that one friend was invited by Dream but she didn’t want to go alone. So then they decided to go along with her because they were willing to go anywhere.
[Image 9. A screenshot of a series of texts between someone censored by a red bar and the person receiving the texts, presumably Dream. The first person will be nicknamed Red for brevity.
Dream - could you borrow a pass or two
Red – YES
[censored] JUST GOT ONE
LMFAOOO
Dream – try and get one for [censored]
Red – on a mission
(Saluting emoji)
End image 9 ID.
I just think that it’s important to know already that their story is slightly different from the reality of it and I’ll be mentioning this a few more times throughout the rest of the story.
[Image 10. Screenshots between four people; three are censored with light blue, red, and blue respectively, and the last is receiving the messages, presumably Dream. They will be nicknamed L, R and B respectively for brevity.
L – we’ll keep u updated if they removed the barriers
R – clay i need to piss SO BAD so whatever we are doing
we gotta speedrun it
B – that might be easier for us to get them in
HAHAHHA
Dream – yeah it’ll be quick
End image 10 ID.]
[Image 11. Screenshot of a single text censored by read. It reads [censored] and caiti coming back to hyatt. End image 11 ID.]
[Image 12. Screenshot of a text conversation between five people, four censored by different colors and the receiver, Dream. They will be nicknamed red, blue, green and light blue (R, B, G and L) for the sake of brevity. Texts read:
R – 13 min
our guy is speeding (skull emoji)
B – LMAOO
Dream – you guys are going to the parking lot, or where? we need to discretely give [censored light blue] a pass
R – idek
G – lets strat
L – kewl sounds splendid to me
G – good shit ok
R – my GOAT
Last text is cut off slightly. End image 12 ID.]
You can see in these screenshots from their texts at the time that they were all trying to come to the hotel and it wasn’t just “oh, we need to follow her” essentially. They were all in the groupchat, and part of the discussion to go to the hotel.
I also chose to mention my online friend, it doesn’t add to the story but she never chose to mention him or the eight person [at this point the words “she actually didn’t mention the 6th, 7th, or 8th person” appear on screen.] that she brought with. So, I’m just saying it because that’s how it happened, and I want to make sure the story’s straight.
Another thing that she talks about is how I insisted that she drinks more and that we insisted on playing drinking games when this isn’t the case. Again, they’d already been drinking at this party before they arrived to the hotel room, and they’d also been the ones that were asking to play the drinking games. Instead of us insisting that we play it, they were the ones that were asking us. And you can see that in the screenshots here.
[Image 13 ID. Screenshot of a text conversation between someone censored in red, Dream, and caiti. Texts read:
Red – clay what was that app you were using for the most likely to game
Dream – it’s my secret app that you can only access on my phone with me
ya know
Red – WOWWWW
caiti – stfu
i’ll find it
red – okay we’re going to the hotel right now to steal ur phone u fuck
caiti – (screenshot of the app Most Likely To)
End of image 13 ID.]
They actually texted multiple times, specifically wanting to play this drinking game that we’d played the night before.
[Image 14. Screenshot of a single text reading “wanna play that game from last night”. End image 14 ID.]
And at this point I was pretty drunk and so was basically everyone in this room. It was the last night of vidcon, vidcon’s a pretty stressful time, and honestly a lot of people are happy when it’s over. Not that they didn’t like it, but it’s just a stressful event, there’s a lot that you have to do, and when it’s over you’re just happy and you wanna celebrate.
So at this point we then move to the couch, there was a couch in the room, and I sit next to caiti. She also says looking back on the scenario that she confused her nerves for excitement when I sat next to her, but again at this moment in time everything was friendly, nothing sexual’d happened, I’m just literally sitting next to her on a couch. And during this she was laughing, smiling, gave no indication that she was uncomfortable with me sitting this close to her.
She also mentions that she was thinking about my age and that I was a lot older than her, again she was 18 and I was 26 at the time, and again to clarify I actually didn’t know how old she was, despite her claiming that I did just because it was in her bio. And it was clear to everyone there that she was not uncomfortable with me sitting next to her.
And eventually two of the people that came to the hotel room left. Then it was just down to me, Dream, my online friend, caiti, caiti’s best friend, and a 6th mutual friend. Next she says, this is a quote, “resorted to playing games on her phone to avoid the awkward situation”. Now I just don’t see how this is the case. She’s implying that she’s using her phone to essentially escape, y’know, such an awkward scenario that she’s in but that’s just not how it happened. And this is why. She brought up the phone game as a kind of a point. The game was a, honestly the central point of the interaction at this part of the night.
It was a very social thing, y’know, she was moving, passing the phone around, we’re all playing the game, and bantering about it, just having fun with the game. So I don’t see how she resorted to it and was using it in that context. She wasn’t being awkward at all, there was no sense of uncomfortablility from her, she was laughing and playing with everyone. And yeah, I’m not really sure why she phrased it like this.
[Image 15. Three images of George playing the game that they were playing at the party, his score, and a text of the image of him sent to caiti. End image 15 ID.]
We actually continued to send each other high score updates even weeks after the event. To add further context to this moment, we were all actually sitting on this couch in the hotel room playing this game on her phone. And during this, me and caiti were at the far end of the couch, we were cuddling together. We had been cuddling for, I’d say around an hour, at this point. Playing the game, talking, and just having fun. And for clarity I had my hand around her waist above her butt. So with her statement where she’s saying that she was resorting to playing games on her phone I just don’t really understand it and I think that the picture that she’s painting is really dark when in reality she seemed very happy with the situation. Just having a good time.
I also wanna address the fact that she claimed that confirmed that I would know her age, she said that she had answered a question about her age during a drinking game, that we were talking about sex and that she’d admitted to everyone in the room that she was 18 and a virgin at the time. I just don’t remember this happening, I’m not saying this to justpretend like it didn’thappen, I did not hear it happen. We’re not just all sitting down and not moving, you know, it’s a chaotic environment, I could’ve been getting a drink, I could’ve been talking to someone else, I just did not know that that was said.
Another quote from her stream I wanna address, she said “there was more alcohol in the room and we were encouraged to drink some more as they offered the bottles to us. They said they would join us in drinking and insisted on drinking games.” They had already been drinking before they arrived, they were drunk. And the way this is phrased makes us out to look like we’re kind of preying on them, and like forcing them to drink when they didn’t want to. When that’s not the case and as I mentioned earlier, they were even the ones asking to play the drinking games by the texts, before they even arrived.
But then this is when her most important claim happens, I’m just gonna read the quote, she says “Out of nowhere I felt him slipping his hand into my clothes, sitting next to him on the couch, in front of everyone. He disguised it with a simple ‘are you ticklish’, I coughed out a ‘no’ still staring at my phone. I was overly aware of the fact that we were in front of other people. The fact that everyone else was sitting around us, watching us, including my best friend, that his hand was inching further to places I hadn’t asked it to be.” Again, as I mentioned before, we’d previously been cuddling on this couch, for around an hour. But I did place my hand on her waist under her shirt. The way it was phrased makes it sound like it just happened out of nowhere when in reality we’d been cuddling for over an hour at this point and it was not out of nowhere.
It was also around until I started moving my hand further up and the way it’s phrased makes it seem like it happened pretty instantly and pretty quickly. There was nothing quick about it, it was very slow, and I was very cautious about it and making sure she was comfortable throughout the process. Me and caiti were very touchy, very cuddly, and very slowly got more intimate. I’ve always been overly cautious with consent and this is not just because I’m a creator. I’ve been like this since before I was a creator and I think this is just the way I am, just the way it should be. Nothing came out of nowhere, everything progressed very slowly, throughout the night. And also before I continue I wanna make it clear that the furthest anything ever got was under the shirt touching and cuddling.
Obviously people don’t typically ask if everything is okay, even such as touching someone on the waist under their shirt before they do it. But in this case I was extremely slow and she was engaging with me the entire time, laughing, cuddling with me, and even playfully fighting me through the game that we were playing. The quote that she said, “he disguised it with a simple ‘are you ticklish’, I coughed out a ‘no’”. She’s implying that I, with malicious intent, touched her and ‘she coughed out a no’ would imply that I should be able to tell that she was uncomfortable with it. She says “Later, he made it a game out of my embarrassment, where he would touch me in certain areas to make me lose the game I was playing.” Now, I actually remember this quite vividly, I remember she was playing the game and there were parts where it would be very easy to lose if you were distracted; and she’s right, I did do that. There were points where she was playing the game and there were points where it was easy for her to mess up, and I would tickle her, or like squeeze her and when I did this she would laugh, she would turn around and smile at me, or she would play-fight with me because I’d just made her lose the game.
She also says how, quote, “I didn’t speak or move, I remember being afraid to even breathe. I stayed there for a while hoping my stillness could make me disappear.” Now to reiterate, any time that I did this it was met with her either smiling, laughing, play-fighting with me, and there was no reason for me to believe that she was uncomfortable with it. She was not ‘not moving’, she was not ‘not speaking’. Of course, I don’t believe that silence is consent. I just want to make sure it is abundantly clear. She was visibly and physically responding well to everything that we were doing.
I also want to comment on how she said that she had to stand up after many minutes for it to stop. She did get up, multiple times, throughout the night, for example to go to the bathroom, to get a drink, also when her friends left she got up to say goodbye to them, and she would come back to the same scenario.
I also want to point out that her best friend was here throughout this whole… process, then afterwards he had to leave. And I think it is important to know that she made the choice to stay behind many hours more, and as I mentioned before, she did get up, say goodbye to them, and came back. They were even talking about staying up to 11 am which was the checkout time of the hotel, and because it was the final day we were like “oh I don’t know we wanna go to sleep for a few hours, might as well just stay up.” But that was not what ended up happening, and it’s at this time that caiti says, this is a quote, “I went to leave and the older guy then decided to leave too”. This is phrased in a way that makes me out to look kinda creepy, to be honest. She’s basically saying she left, so I decided to leave too, which is not the case. What actually happened is Dream had decided he was too tired and was going to bed, so the night was over and we all left.
She then goes on to tell a story about the elevator, and how I joked about it being broken to try to get her to go in with me. So caiti actually had her own hotel room on the same floor as Dream, so she actually walked over straight to the elevator when she didn’t have to, and said goodbye to me, which was nice of her. I did joke with her about coming in the elevator by pretending it was broken, I essentially went in to the elevator, the doors closed, and I would press the doors open button to make them open again. I did this a few times, and she didn’t go along with it, which I respect took, and I ended up going down to my room. She didn’t have to take the elevator yet she chose to walk with me to the elevator to say goodnight to me, which I think is interesting given how she’s saying how she was so upset with it.
But I also think these are comments of her looking back on the night and not her actual feelings at the time, and that’s essentially the end of the story, that’s what, she, the last time I’ve seen her in person was after those elevator doors closed.
We messaged for a bit after, through insta dms and snapchat and the way we talked to each other was pretty banterous, for example after the first time that we hung out but before the second she actually texted me and said “you better not be in Dream’s room tonight or I’m gonna shoot your leg”. Obviously she’s not gonna shoot my leg, we’re just messing around with each other. And I actually responded to her and said “guess what well I’m actually here right now”.
[Image 16. A single screenshot, timestamped for 3:31 AM. It reads: me [censored] and caiti coming back to hyatt. End image 16 ID.]
[Image 17. A screenshot of texts between caiti and George, timestamped for JUN 25 at 3:36 AM. Texts read:
caiti – if u come to dreams hotel again tonight i’m shooting ur leg
so don’t
George – Oh awkward
I’m in his room now
You’re not gunna do shit
The last message has been reacted to with a thumbs down. End image 17 ID.]
And yeah, after this we texted for a bit, sometimes daily, sometimes we would take a few days break, even a few weeks at some point. And at some point after vidcon we were actually both in London at the same time, and she let me know this through her DMs.
[Image 18. A screenshot of messages between caiti and George. Texts read:
George – (image of caiti’s contact. Underneath are the words “Business chat”. A Book now button appears.)
Stfu business
I can literally book you (skull emoji)
Caiti – WHAT
yeah i’m gonna need $10 bucks for this convo
please and thanks
George – I wouldn’t even pay $0.01 for this stupid conversation
You are a BAD business
caiti – yet your still here talking to my ass
dickhead
End image 18 ID.]
Now I will say she didn’t come out outright and say “I’m in London” but she did say that she’d gone to a place that was known to be a London thing, and I commented on that and asked her what she was doing in London.
[Image 19 ID. A screenshot of texts between caiti and George. Texts read:
George – You can’t say dickhead
That’s only for English people to say
Caiti – i just drank at spoons last night
I’d say i’m British enough
George – Oh shit maybe your are British wtf
Well I drank at Simmons bar last night and you probably don’t even know what that is so you’re less British than me
What are you doing in England
Caiti - rue said simmons bar was gay so.. awkward
and i’m living life!! The British way
parting cubbing.. etc
George - Using gay as insult
Typical from stupid business like u (rolling eyes emoji)
End image 19 ID.]
Just to clarify we did not meet up while in London nor make plans to do so. It was always extremely friendly to me, I was friendly to her, and honestly I was shocked to hear her say the things that she did say during her stream.
When I first opened up her stream it was after she’d already streamed it but not long after, so people hadn’t yet made the connection that it was connected to me, and when watching it I was like, I was actually interested in it, I was like okay, what’s this gonna be about? And then when she started saying more and more details I realized wait, this is about me. I was very, very confused, very shocked, and didn’t quite know what to think given I had no impression of any wrongdoing throughout this whole relationship that I had with her. Not at all, it was, if anything it was the opposite. I thought we had a pretty good relationship.
Despite the fact that we actually hadn’t talked in a while, I thought if I’d seen her in real life again, everything would be fine and we would be friends. It was actually around this point after vidcoin was finished that we were messaging and I found out her age. And since than I never pursued anything going forward, and essentially stopped messaging her. Our last message was august 1st, 2023 and I haven’t replied to her since then.
[Image 20. Screenshot of texts between caiti and George. Texts read:
George – (Image that reads “Your inquiry is pending”, scheduled for 2028)
Ok I scheduled an appointment for my next available time slot
See you then (thumbs up emoji)
caiti (sent at august 1st) – (two fuck you emojis). (Edited are the words “sarcasm” with an arrow pointed to the emojis.)
End image 20 ID.]
After I watched her stream I was pretty confused, I didn’t understand how her account of the story had been so different from what actually happened. A lot of the facts of what she said just didn’t happen at all, or were phrased in ways that just made me look as bad as possible. Saying things like “I insisted on her playing drinking games”, or that “she was frozen in place”, or that she was scared. She was having fun, she was enjoying herself, she was saying this with her body language, with the way that she smiled, with the way that she laughed, and just her overall general demeanor.
One thing that I think is very important to differentiate in here is that I do believe that she regrets being affectionate with me, and that really does make me feel terrible, I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or regret their interactions with me, or anything along those lines. Regardless of if it’s sexual or not, I am truly, really sorry if I’ve contributed towards that. But it’s important to differentiate that she was uncomfortable with this after the fact and not during. She says, quote, “at the time, I convinced myself that I was lucky. I was lucky that it had happened to me. I was exited to be around such big creators, to be at that convention in general”. I actually had a similar scenario to this, where I was in a sexual, I had a sexual experience with someone where in the moment, I was perfectly happy with it happening but afterwards I regretted it. And I’m not saying this to get any form of sympathy, I’m not looking for that, that is not the case at all, I’m just simply saying this because I can see this similarities in the situation.
Now, I’m not mad at the person I was in this situation with at all, I have no negative thoughts on them, I simply did not like how it ended up and if I could go back and not do it, I wouldn’t have. I wanted to do it in the moment but then changed my mind later. Which is completely valid, you’re completely allowed to feel that way. But what isn’t okay and I feel is completely unfair is to act as if I am the bad person in this scenario because you changed your mind later.
I also want to separate this from abuse and certain scenarios that other people have dealt with recently or just in general. I think it’s completely fine to come to terms with your abuse over time and realize that it was bad for you and a terrible situation to be in and then look badly back on that person. That is completely valid but this is completely different. Again, this all happened within a four hour period, three-four hour period and I was not given any signs of discomfort, unhappiness or anything along those lines. And again, it was the opposite of that. She was happy, she was smiling, she was laughing, and as far as I know everyone else in the room would’ve thought the same at the time.
So now what I’m thinking is why would she come out and say it like this, why is she saying this. Now I don’t think that she’s purposefully being malicious, or trying to hurt me, or ruin my career or anything like that. What I do think is that she is surrounded by a friend group that completely despises me and my friend group. And this is quite a specific scenario that probably doesn’t happen that much, especially in public, so it’s kind of weird, it’s kind of hard to talk about it. But I think after vidcon she, obviously told some of her friends about what happened, whether or not that was in a negative connotation I do not know, I wasn’t part of these conversations of course, but she fully told them about this scenario. And when these people who are around you all completely despise me and my friends, they’re obviously going to look on this poorly.
To add context in all of this she actually mentions in her stream, I’ll just quote it, “I remember a friend seeing me in the lobby on the way and they were worried about the way I was acting and asked if I was okay. I was really drunk and it was really feeling like they could sense something was wrong.” Now, this person is in caiti’s friend group, and they were concerned that a group of 5 people were going up to Dream’s room to join up 3 additional people. Which is an interesting concern to have, I actually heard from another source that overheard this conversation and thought it was quite strange that she was worried this. I think it feels very likely that after 8 months of you being around friends that hate me and my friends and are constantly talking badly about us publicly as well and privately, don’t know what they say privately but can’t be any better than what they say publicly, obviously that is going to affect the way that you look at that experience. And it’s going to make you look at it a bit differently, you’re going to second guess it, you’re going to be thinking about it, and clearly it changed the way that she thought about it. And I think it’s completely unfair to judge me and my actions based on how you feel about it now, 8 months later, vs how you feel about it at the time. Because at the time, you were not uncomfortable with it, and I know I’m repeating myself a million times but I have to, you were smiling, happy, laughing, playing along with it, everythting.
And that’s all I really have to say on the matter. Still keep supporting victims.
#georgenotfound#this is to provide info if you come to me for opinions or say shit i dislike in tags you're getting banned#transcription
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So Glennon and Abby just released the We Can Do Hard things episode with Christen Press, so for those of you who have trouble listening to podcasts but love reading, here's a copy and paste of the transcript from the episode. Abby is in bold, glennon will be italics and christen will be both. (FYI, this took so fucking long because my phone hates me but all credits go to the We Can Do Hard Things Websites transcriptor.)
Abby Wambach:
Is she okay? What’s happening right now?
Glennon Doyle:
Because you had never seen anyone meditate before.
Abby Wambach:
Well, she was meditating.
Glennon Doyle:
Right, right, right, right. Obviously, yeah.
Abby Wambach:
And it was the first time I had seen somebody do that in real life, in the national team environment. So, I think I tried to be quiet.
Glennon Doyle:
Checked her pulse first.
Abby Wambach:
And that was impossible. So eventually, you came to and I think I probably asked you about it and was super curious, because I think I’ve always been very curious in that spiritual space. What happened next was actually quite interesting because it developed an intimidation. I was intimidated by you because you had this part in you that you were exploring that I wished that I could explore in myself.
Glennon Doyle:
Because she wasn’t asking you for advice.
Abby Wambach:
That’s right.
Glennon Doyle:
She was looking inside herself. That’s what drove you nuts.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
Did you know that you have always intimidated Abby Wambach?
Christen Press:
No, this is news to me. News to me. I have definitely startled quite a few roommates with my meditation practice, especially early on in the national team because I’m pretty quiet. So, I didn’t tell people I was going to meditate. They just found me that way. But this is news to me that I ever intimidated you because I quite certainly was going through the same thing on my end, but maybe for different reasons.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. I just thought it was so cool for such a young kid to come into the environment like the national team and to actually do your own thing. It was super common for all of us, myself included, to just assimilate and just do whatever anybody else is doing and just try to do it harder and more. I just love that memory of you and it solidified this deep respect, even though people don’t understand this about the national team, we are close, but we’re also competing against each other for time on the field. And that time on the field has repercussions in lots of different ways.
Glennon Doyle:
Pod squad, just think about that. You’re hanging out with your best friends in a room and then somebody blows a whistle and it’s like everybody run and one of you have to win. Imagine.
Christen Press:
We don’t have to imagine, we lived that. I still live that.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s so wild. Okay, Christen Press is a two time World Cup champion and Olympian. I’m sorry, I’m just imagining racing all of my friends. As well as a leading forward at Los Angeles Angel City FC. An entrepreneur, an advocate for inclusivity, Christen, along with her US women’s national teammates, Megan Rapinoe, Tobin Heath and Megan Klingberg, launched their company re-inc, a purpose driven global lifestyle brand.
Glennon Doyle:
A leader, both on and off the field, Christen was one of the key players leading the charge for the equal play equal pay campaign, to highlight the pay discrepancy between the women’s and men’s national teams, which led to the new agreement and to her role as player representative for the US Women’s National Team Players Association. Christen Press welcome to We Can Do hard Things. You do a lot of hard things.
Christen Press:
Thank you for having me. I am so happy to be here and thanks for that very lovely introduction.
Glennon Doyle:
So Christen, you weren’t always just Spirit Spice, you used to be Stressy Spice.
Christen Press:
You know me.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
In college you actually talked about being miserable playing soccer, that you used to cry on the field that you constantly felt like you weren’t good enough. Can you take us back to that time and talk to us about what playing soccer was like for you then?
Christen Press:
Yeah, I have so many thoughts from your story, Abby, just swirling in my head of where to begin. But to go back to the beginning, I grew up in Southern California, which is a hotbed for women’s soccer, in a very competitive family and I’m a middle child, so I was vying for the attention of my parents my whole life. And soccer was the way that I thought I was going to get that. And I think many people experience in sport, this idea that if you win a game, you’ll be satisfied, or if you score a goal, then your parents are going to be satisfied, or it’ll help their life, or their relationship. So, I think my introduction to sport was in a really quite toxic and quite pressure ridden environment, where I thought that my worth and my value was dependent on my performance.
Christen Press:
It’s the typical sports story. I think so many people go through that, but it didn’t work for me. It didn’t work for my wellbeing. It didn’t make my parents happy ultimately, but it also didn’t allow me to be my best. And so actually, the better I got, the worse it was for me and that was all the way through college. And through college, I saw some of my teammates start to make the national team. We obviously experienced this huge boom in women’s soccer, where it became really important and there was glory to be had. And so with that, the pressure of getting a scholarship and going to college, and scoring in college, the pressure got bigger and bigger. It was make the national team, be the best player. And so, the closer I got, the worse it was. That was my experience in college and I started seeing some of my teammates on the national team and I started to feel for the first time in my career that I wasn’t reaching those dreams, that I wasn’t able to be the best player, that I wasn’t getting that call up, and I was drowning in that.
Christen Press:
I think both my parents were so invested in my career that they began to drown in this idea of, I wouldn’t be happy unless I got there. And then I was feeling like they wouldn’t be happy unless I got there. And actually, this is how my meditation practice was born. My little sister also played up to college soccer and she had a lot harder of a time than I did, struggled with mental illness, hated soccer, got sick when she played, so much anxiety.
Christen Press:
So, in her own journey, she went to meditation to try to find a way to cope with the stresses of her life and started a meditation practice and then convinced our whole family we should all do it together. That’s how my family is. So, we all go to this guru to learn how to meditate.
Glennon Doyle:
No way.
Christen Press:
Yep, and now my sister’s a meditation instructor. So, this is her whole life. That’s when I found my meditation practice. And of course, so much applied to sport, the meditative nature of letting things go, letting thoughts come in and go out. It’s so applicable when you’re on the field, when you miss a shot, let it go and just training your brain to be focused. So, it was really applicable to me in a concrete way, but ultimately what happened is once I started to let go in a larger sense of these dreams, of these accolades, of these need to succeed, I started playing way better, and it was like a breath of fresh air.
Christen Press:
Also, at the same time, the women’s league that was then folded, so there was no place for me to play. I was out of college and I went to Sweden, where I was putting a huge distance between all of those expectations and all of the people who had expectations and me and those two things happened at the same time. Learned to meditate, started playing just for the love of it and gave up on my dream of making the national team, just said, “It’s never going to happen.” But the current coach for the national team was in Sweden and I was there for two months before I got my first call up. And so, in my mind, I always say it was the scenic route to the national team.
Glennon Doyle:
So, hold on a second. So pod squad, listen, she goes to Sweden. She’s like, “Screw it, league folded. So, I’m just going to go to Sweden and actually have joy playing and play … ” like you say, like no one’s watching. And the national team coach happened to be watching because she is Swedish.
Abby Wambach:
Yep.
Glennon Doyle:
Holy crap. Okay, so then she calls you and is like, “Actually you are going to be on the national team. Surprise, surprise.” And you’re like, “Shit.”
Christen Press:
I wish it was all that easy. It was she called and said, “You have a snowball’s chance in hell of being on the national team, but you’re going to get a chance.” And what I was waiting for was that chance. And so, I think that’s the reason that when I came into the national team, I came with this determination to stay true to myself because I knew that the traditional competitive pressure, that type of culture of American sports, did not get me to the national team, so it wasn’t going to keep me on the national team.
Abby Wambach:
Whoa.
Christen Press:
And so, it was actually quite hard socially because it’s easier when you fit in and when you follow, and as a young player being like, “I have to be me,” that put a divide between me and a lot of people off the field, but I knew it was what I had to do to be well and to be successful.
Glennon Doyle:
So, besides meditating, what are you talking about when you say I had to be true to myself and that causes divides?
Christen Press:
I think it was just overall approach to training, to what I thought made me tick, to putting myself in environments that were right for me, even if it made other people uncomfortable, like meditating in my room with a roommate, that’s actually quite uncomfortable. Doing my own recovery when the group was doing something else and me feeling like this worked. I actually remember Abby, I have a memory of you asking Lauren Cheney Holiday, who was my friend on the team, one of my first friends on the team. “Oh, does Christen just like being alone.” She told me that you said that because I was always off doing my own thing. And I think that that is what made me feel like I had to do that to be there. But then there was a little bit of dissonance between how I was behaving and what was expected for a new player on the team because I’m entering this group where everyone’s amazing and they’re at the top of their game and there’s so much to learn from them. And there was this little sense of, “Does she not think she needs to learn from us because she’s doing it her own way?”
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. I remember that, when I walked into the room and I saw you meditating, that was in and around the same time that I was reading Susan Cain’s book, Quiet, because Becky Sauerbrunn was also on the team and she’s this raging introvert and I couldn’t connect with her. I felt like me and her were oil and water and I was trying-
Glennon Doyle:
Like me and you, yeah.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. Yes, it’s ironic, very ironic that I’ve married a raging introvert. But I just think that I hope you know, that what you did, was you freed so many other people to come into that environment and to feel a little bit, maybe not fully, but a little bit more confident in doing their thing. And so, you see some of these players expressing themselves in all the kinds of ways. I actually deeply believed Christen, that you were a really big revolutionary when it comes to that, because it’s so much harder to do what you did than to do what I did, where I just stepped in. I was like, “Okay, Mia Hamm, I’ll do whatever you want. How do you want me to jump? I’ll do it.”
Abby Wambach:
I just want you to know that there’s so much respect there. Even if there was a feeling of dissonance or disconnection at times, there was for me, at least I can speak for myself. I always respected the hell out of you for making that choice. Because I knew that it was a harder road, maybe a more lonely road too. So, I think it’s really amazing.
Glennon Doyle:
And it’s hopeful to all of us who are … So many times we talk on the podcast about how do we introvert sensitive people, Spirit Spices? How do we function inside of cultures that are so American, so cutthroat, and churning, and even capital … all of it, just … So Christen, I want to ask, you talk about how you were in a cycle when you were young about trying to impress your parents that you thought they’d never be happy unless you were great. They thought you wouldn’t be happy unless you were great. You talk about the pursuit of greatness that your family had. Do you believe in the pursuit of greatness and what are the downfalls of chasing greatness? Would that be a theme of your chosen … The family you have one day, would you choose chasing greatness as a family value?
Christen Press:
100%. But I think it depends on your definition of greatness, because I hear a little bit of your answer in your question.
Glennon Doyle:
The answer is no, so you’ve already failed.
Christen Press:
But I think for me, the pursuit of greatness, while it caused anxiety and stress, and it caused me to lose myself, it’s also what caused me to find myself again. And it pushed me out of my comfort level to be true to me and ultimately this old cliche, the journey’s the destination, but that’s only true if you’re trying to get somewhere and that’s for me, the pursuit of greatness. I can take my injury right now, where there’s this idea that a successful recovery is a speedy recovery, or there’s an idea that I need to get to a certain place. I need to get back, I need to do these things, these milestones. I reject that. I reject that it needs to be a speedy recovery. I reject that I need to be on this certain pace, but in order for me to find value, it’s in the intention of my journey and my journey is to grow and to get better every day and to be well, and then to share that as I can with other people around me as an energy, as a lifestyle.
Christen Press:
If I was satisfied with where I was, where I can’t run currently, I can’t do things, if I satisfied, that’s not peace. So, I think it’s that intent to be moving, to be growing. That is greatness. I think it is helpful to have a target, and I am very goal oriented. Every day I write down, “This is my goal for the day. This is what I want to achieve.” I just have to be able to have peace when I don’t get there, but I don’t ever want to stop writing down that goal. I don’t ever want to stop pursuing greatness. I just want to balance that with acceptance of what ultimately happens.
Abby Wambach:
I think that’s so interesting because so many people in the world probably believe that spirituality and this desire for greatness can’t be put together, that they’re mutually exclusive. But I think what you’re saying is that there’s more nuance to that, in that not just your recovery, but you can be a multitude of things. You can have a path, spiritual or not, and also want to chase this kind of excellence and greatness that you get to define every single day. I think that that’s really interesting.
Glennon Doyle:
Do you have any advice because there’s a lot of parents that listen, we are now part of soccer land with children, so we spend all of our life on the sidelines of the soccer and-
Abby Wambach:
It’s a slow hell.
Glennon Doyle:
… the parents are un-effing-believable. Christen, you may have experienced some of this in your lifetime, but we actually started bringing blow pops to-
Abby Wambach:
Sidelines.
Glennon Doyle:
… sidelines, and just shoving them in parents’ mouths when they started screaming, just going down the sideline, just we would call it, start sucking to stop sucking. Just put the lollipop in your mouth and it will remind you to shut up.
Christen Press:
Oh, that’s amazing.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s amazing to see parents lose themselves. I do it too. Do you have any advice for how to parent children who are pursuing greatness, without having them feel like their worth depends on it, or their relationship or their connection with their parents depends on it? Anything you wish would’ve happened or do you ever think about that?
Christen Press:
Yeah, I can only give parenting advice from the perspective of the child, obviously, but I think it was somewhere along the line, I felt like I was forgotten about. And at one point, it was, “Christen wants this, so we want this.” And then I think that I was cut out of the equation. It was like, “We want this.” And it wasn’t until my mom got sick, that she and I were able to overcome that struggle in our relationship. I have a memory, years before my mom was sick, where I was working in my spirituality, on my meditation practice, working with a few people. And the theme of this journey that I was on was surrender. And it helped you identify what it was that you wanted the most. And then you had to let go of it. I was already on the national team, so I was an adult. And I remember in a hotel in the national team, getting on my hands and knees every morning and saying, “I surrender the need for my mother’s approval.” And because as a full grown adult-
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, yes.
Christen Press:
… still needing to feel that it was for her, that I was playing for her. And I almost lost my own love of the game because of that. And through that time, I shared that experience with my mother and it was like we both had this aha moment, where one day I was on my hands and knees and I got up and I was like, “What if I’m wrong? What if she hasn’t forgotten about me? What if she actually already loves me and accepts me? What if she actually thinks I’m amazing? And I am the one who’s miscalibrating and I’m projecting all my own fears on her, and I’m saying, ‘She forgot about me. She has these goals for soccer,\ but what if that’s me?” And it just hit me that my mom already accepted me and it hit her that I didn’t need some of these things that she thought I needed and we both were able to move on from that.
Christen Press:
So, it’s really roundabout way of giving advice. But I think the key to it is acceptance and showing all people that you care, whether they’re your parent, or your child, or your friend, or your lover, that you accept them for who they are and meeting people as full people, not just as career people, because ultimately, that’s what was my deepest need, was to be accepted by my mother. I thought that that meant for so many years, I had to be a great player. I had to be on the national team, I had to do these things, but it really has nothing to do with that. It has to do with who you are, what’s at your core, what you’re striving for, and what that means to the other person and what it means to the world.
Glennon Doyle:
So, you’ve done your career differently. You do things differently and pod squad, you just have to watch the soccer game and just you just watch her on the field, it’s just different things. I don’t know, she just floats and flits about, and then somehow the ball goes in the goal, so you just have to watch her, but it’s different. And another thing that’s different is I watched how you did grief differently, when you lost your mother, who you love so, so very much. You actually signed with Angel City and then took a mental health break, right?
Christen Press:
Yes, I did.
Glennon Doyle:
I didn’t even know why at the time. I was just like, “That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard.” But can you tell us why and what you did during that time?
Christen Press:
Yeah. So, a big part of it was the emotional journey that I went on with my mom. She was healthy one day and then deeply sick the next and had about three months where she was very sick and then she passed. And in those three months, I feel like we lived 30 years in terms of our relationship and our conversations, and a big part of it was acceptance of each other and this fear that we both had, that the other person didn’t love us, or didn’t respect us, or didn’t accept us. We went through that and my mom cared so much about me and about soccer. She just loved it and she was so invested. And actually, I was with the national team in Spain, in January of 2019, and I scored in that game in Spain and I got back on a flight the next day and flew home and my mom had brain bleed when I was on the flight. And I actually never saw her again. And as soon as I walked into the hospital room where my family was, my dad said, “The last exchange I had with your mom was showing her your goal and she was so happy.” So, that gives you a sense of how deeply tied my whole family is to my career, that it meant so much to my dad that that was his last interaction with my mom.
Christen Press:
So, that was January, 2019. I had missed a lot of camp when my mom was sick and it was a World Cup year. So, I took a little bit of time and I just went straight back into it, and we were preparing for a World Cup. We had our pay equity lawsuit. There was just so much happening and I’m a very emotional person. I’m very dramatic, I’ve been this my whole life. So, I process things in big ways, in big moments, but I’m generally not sad. I’m generally not mopey or tired. I just have these outbursts of emotion, and then I bounce back. And so that’s how I was dealing with my grief. It was these big dramatic moments and then I’d get back to practice, and get back to life. And that went through the World Cup and all the way, honestly, for years.
Christen Press:
It went on through COVID, it went on through the Olympics, and I started to think, why did my grieving experience look so different from my sister’s or from other peoples? And there’s this weird comparison that happens, which isn’t fair, but can’t help but do it. And I was like, “This doesn’t feel right.” I reflected on it and I was like, “I never took a break. I never processed, I never stopped.” I didn’t feel like it was killing me, but I felt like I was missing something, some sort of next step, some sort of clarity, and almost like a growth in my relationship with my mom that I saw in front of me.
Glennon Doyle:
Wow.
Christen Press:
Well, obviously the period of playing soccer through COVID was really hard and difficult and the Olympics was really special and difficult, and it was like all this pressure was just mounting on me and I’ve always done it my own way. I’ve always been on the national team in my own way. I remember when I had this revelation that it was like, “I’ve done this consistently since 2012. It is now 2021 and I need some perspective and I need time to grieve. And my relationship with my mom is so tied to soccer, I need to not have soccer to understand where that leaves like me and my mom.”
Christen Press:
Yeah, you’re probably catching onto this, I feel like my relationship with my mom is ongoing and it’s something that I do cultivate now. So, it was like, I need to have my relationship with my mom without soccer for this period of time. In that same moment where I was like, “I’m going to take four months off,” I also had this feeling of competitiveness that it was like, I can do this. I can show a good way. I can help release some of this pressure that I’m sure other athletes are feeling and I will come back and I will be better. And it will be a good thing for the world, to show that you can do this. That was last fall and I then spent four months traveling and living my best life.
Christen Press:
I became a pilgrim and I went on El Camino de Santiago and I just walked everywhere, I traveled all these places and I really worked on my relationship with my mother, my relationship with myself, my identity without soccer and where all those pieces fit. I think I had this fear because I had such a toxic relationship with soccer for so long, that I would never want to come back. I never felt like that. The whole time I was like, “This is this moment and there will be another moment.” Now it’s an interesting thing to reflect on because obviously, I came back for a few months and then had my first major injury. And so there’s this feeling of, this probably never would’ve happened, if I hadn’t taken four months off. I can just say that.
Christen Press:
I don’t have regret, I’m not that type of person, but I just think that’s the facts. But the question is, did I gain more anyway? Did that help prepare me for this, for this next journey? I think in so many ways, the way I grew, I imagined myself so often just taking step after, step on El Camino with nothing to burden me, but just taking the next step and the simplicity of that and the profound effect it had in its most basic form of living, just letting your foot kiss the ground, that’s all you had to do. I feel like it shaped everything that I am from this point forward. And it prepared me for so much, but it came with the big risk of my place on the national team, my ability to compete at the highest level, a little bit of fear of maybe I never even liked this sport and I just did it for somebody else. What if that was my revelation?
Glennon Doyle:
What if I realize I hate it?
Abby Wambach:
That’s worse case.
Christen Press:
That’s scary.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s why most people don’t stop their lives. Christen.
Abby Wambach:
That’s right.
Christen Press:
I know.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s why most of us don’t stop our lives because we’re afraid of thinking.
Christen Press:
No, probably my biggest fear was that I would realize I hated it and never want to go back.
Abby Wambach:
And then the universe is so beautiful, giving you … and I know that maybe you’re not here yet, but as soon as I heard you got injured, I thought, “Oh, this is going to be interesting to see how she processes this.” It’s like the universe’s little joke. Like, “Ooh, let’s see how you handle this little bit.” I’m going to show you, give you an opportunity to even question it even a little bit more, because-
Christen Press:
Exactly.
Abby Wambach:
… what the fuck did you not learn on the El Camino that you still-
Glennon Doyle:
It wasn’t a long enough hike, Christen. Listen, we’ve had Cheryl Strayed on. We’ll hook you up, you just need a longer hike.
Christen Press:
I mean, that’s exactly, exactly how I reacted. I was like, I had this plan. I was going to leave soccer and then I was going to come back and show everyone.
Glennon Doyle:
Of course.
Christen Press:
And then it just got blown up in my face. And I was like, “No, I already did the hard part.” And now the hard part’s ahead of me. So, it is, it’s the twisted nature of life.
Glennon Doyle:
Can you talk to us about what you mean when you say my ongoing relationship with my mother? My whole heart just jumped when you said that. Can you just tell us what you mean and how that shows up in your life and what you’re doing and what that relationship is?
Christen Press:
Yes. So, when my mom passed, I got really good advice from a family friend. And he said to me, reflecting on his own experience of losing his mother, that the moment that she died, she was with him forever. And while he was alive, you have to go physically see people. But when someone’s no longer alive, you never have to travel to see them, they’re always there. That articulation is exactly what my experience has been. It’s hard. Relationships are really hard when people are alive and you have to do these things to make sure you feel like you’re prioritizing them, making them feel loved, all these things. And I was like, it was just completely gone. I never had to get on a flight. I never had to make a phone call. My mom was just always with me and because of this journey that she and I went on, I felt like I learned what I’ll call Stacy 2.0, my mom’s name Stacy, was Stacy 2.0, which was a mother that didn’t care about me as an athlete. She just cared about me as a human and that’s who I met and that’s the person I get to continue to cultivate a relationship with.
Christen Press:
So sometimes, when things are going wrong or hard and I feel like, “Oh, I’ve failed and I’ve let these people down.” I’m like, “No, no.” I can even look up to the sky and I’m like, “My mom is here and she doesn’t care about this.” That was something I learned that was wrong, and I’ve now unlearned it. I have this relationship with my mom that’s growing because I can still revert to those old pathways where I’m like, “I missed the goal. My mom must be disappointed.” And now I’m trying to cultivate this new pathway that is when you’re omnipresent and when you’re transcendental, which I think is what happens in a way when you pass, there is no limited human nature.
Christen Press:
And so, I get to experience this relationship with my mom where I know 1000%, she’s proud of me, that she accepts me and I get to live my life with that freedom, and I get to talk to her in a way that I often couldn’t when she was alive, because I had fear of my flaws, fear of her flaws. And now the fear is gone, because she sees me at my worst. There’s no hiding from her. When you’re kid, you’re trying to hide everything from your mom. There’s no hiding anymore. And that’s the relationship that I cultivate and it’s a daily thing, a conversation with my mom and a understanding of each other.
Abby Wambach:
Oh my gosh, it’s like-
Glennon Doyle:
That’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard.
Abby Wambach:
I know. I’m crying over here because so many people I know, especially in the LGBTQ space, struggle in many ways, or have struggled with their parents, and the approval of their parents. And I’m just so afraid. I’ve been so afraid of when my parents die, that there will be all this stuff that’s undone. And what you’ve just done is make me feel so much less afraid of that because of your experience. That is such a life giving …
Glennon Doyle:
No more human nature, that’s so good. No more fear, no more … All of that gone and just pure love.
Abby Wambach:
Took my breath away.
Christen Press:
And pure love, that’s it.
Abby Wambach:
Also, I just want to say this. When you stepped away from the game, much like Simone Biles did from the Olympics, the pod squad might not know how revolutionary that is in sport to say, “No, my mental health is going to take priority over this team, over this country, over this medal,” or whatever it is. And I think you and Simone show that it’s possible to step away and come back. I just remember feeling so jealous. Whoa, they get to take care of themselves fully? I mean, it was always an option. I just never took it. I just think that it’s another way you’ve shown your courage, to take that relentless pursuit … For me, your relentless pursuit of your own personal greatness.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s what it was.
Abby Wambach:
Is just so rare.
Glennon Doyle:
So Christen, you’ve already solved death for us, so could we just get, I want to move on to another one-
Abby Wambach:
Solved death.
Glennon Doyle:
… I just feel like we have 20 more minutes, we can solve a couple other things. Because if we can solve death, the rest has to be easy, right? I mean, for real. Death has always-
Abby Wambach:
I’m sweating.
Glennon Doyle:
… still been a problem, ’till now.
Abby Wambach:
I know, I’m sweating, how much that was profound.
Glennon Doyle:
So, I want to talk to you about suffering because I have heard and read you say that you do not choose to suffer, right? That you are unlearning suffering. What I want to say about that is that that is blasphemy in this country. That it is the religious way, the capitalistic way, the parenting way, the romantic love way, the sports way, the American way, that the more you suffer, the more you earn-
Abby Wambach:
No pain, no gain.
Glennon Doyle:
… or the more you … Right, right. No guts, no glory. No pain, no gain. When we talked about this, Abby said, “No, I fully believed when I was playing, if I suffer the most, I will be the best.” So, you think that there’s another way. You said, “There is a general consensus in sports that you just suffer, you push through it and keep going and that’s what makes you tough. But I believe in my heart that there’s another way.” Can you tell us what’s the other way?
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
Great.
Christen Press:
My own philosophies.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s amazing, Christen.
Christen Press:
I don’t know anything. I’m like, “Oh sure. I can tell you about this.”
Glennon Doyle:
You can.
Christen Press:
Just, I know nothing about anything, but-
Abby Wambach:
No, you fixed death, so you do know something.
Christen Press:
But I think there’s a fine line between discipline and suffering. I do think that suffering is a part of life, but with acceptance, the suffering isn’t actually suffering, I think it’s discipline. So, that’s where it’s a little bit tricky. So, when I think about sport, the consensus of have to run ’till you’re sick. You have to give up so much, that’s like an endless suffering. And when I think of myself on the field and I put myself on the field emotionally, there’s this unpleasant thing that happens to many athletes, when they’re not in flow state, where you’re playing but you’re also watching a movie of yourself playing and it’s a highlight reel of all your mistakes. And it’s very distracting from the actual playing.
Christen Press:
I think there’s a lot of decisions that you can make on and off the field as a human, as an athlete, so that your whole life is more aligned in a way that’s blissful. I actively work towards a flow state, where playing soccer would be the most blissful and joyous thing that I ever did. I believe that if I loved it, if I’m laughing, if I’m smiling, that’s when I’m at my best. There’s this belief that you want it so bad, and that’s what motivates you. But what if that’s not what motivates you, like the trophy? What if it’s something much bigger than that, that you’re working towards? Because what happens … and I mean, everybody knows this, you win the trophy, you get the medal and you feel empty inside. And so, it’s this big laugh in your face moment where you’re like, “I worked so hard to get here and I’m still not where I want to be.”
Christen Press:
And so, the letting go of that fixed goal is the letting go of the suffering, and it’s working towards acceptance and bliss. There’s this quote, I think it’s Buddha, says, “Someday, you’ll tilt your head back and look at the sky. And you’ll just laugh because everything is exactly how it should be.” And it’s this idea that life is perfect, we just are missing it. We’ve put all these barriers and expectations and unhealthy routines between us and the perfection, but the perfection’s still there. I think sport is a way that actually breaks down those barriers because no matter what relationship you have with sport, there is always moments that great athletes, people who run, humans, they find that bliss, they find that transcendence, they find that flow and it helps you dip into it. I can imagine dancers, all different types of people, artists, these creative forces help you find that. And my hope is that there’s the more times you find that space, that flow, that ease, that joy, then the closer it gets to you, so you can keep finding it more and more. The more I find it, the better I’ll play, for sure.
Christen Press:
So, if you want to just do it to get to the next place, you probably missed the mark, but it becomes something that you can train. And that’s when I walked on El Camino de Santiago, it was like I was able to find that state of presence every day for a week. Then when I left, it has been my job to find that place in a regular life. When I have other things to do, when it’s not that simple, when I go back on the field, how can I access that state of joy and flow? That’s not to say my life is without suffering, but I do believe in this reality that can exist, that’s bliss.
Abby Wambach:
It’s so far different than the average pro athlete’s way, where it’s numbers, heart rates, repetitions, how many sprints you can do, how many calories you’re expending, all of that stuff feels so counter-cultural, what you’re trying to create for yourself. Are you trying to show this way to the people around you on your teams?
Glennon Doyle:
Ooh, that’s good. Are you a Spirit Spice evangelist or do you keep your Spirit Spice to yourself?
Christen Press:
Maybe a little half, because I think I’m still on my way. I still have so much to learn and to get to understand before I feel satisfied with it. I guess maybe you never feel satisfied, it’s like a giant catch 22. But I think the people that are closest to me, they know it, because they know my hurt and my journey and how I had to let go of that to get here. So, in that world, there’s no other option then for me to go deep into my sense of spirituality.
Christen Press:
But what you said, Abby, is so important because it’s still about numbers and sprints. It’s still there, but there is this way to do it that is intertwined with acceptance. And a very simple example is running. You’re going to run so hard, whatever it is, your mile. And it’s going to physically hurt, it’s going to burn your muscles are going to burn. You’re going to get sick. And that’s something you have to do. Whether or not you want to be a Spirit Spice or not, it’s just part of the job. But you can actually have your brain focus on certain things like certain parts of your body.
Christen Press:
So sometimes, when I’m doing hard cardio that’s unpleasant, I do a body scan. So, I’m running and I’m like, “Okay, what does my toe feel like?” I’ll scan each part of my body and just that simple shift of awareness away from whatever part of my body is really hurting, it makes it so that it doesn’t hurt, it’s literally like a magic trick. I try to tell people this, you can just focus on something else, stay in tune with that and you can still do the suffering. But for me now, it’s discipline. Now it’s the discipline of doing the work and it’s the discipline of doing the training of your brain, so that your life is in the direction that you want it to be.
Abby Wambach:
I like that, I mean-
Christen Press:
You got to try it, little body scan.
Abby Wambach:
Little body scan.
Glennon Doyle:
Body scan.
Christen Press:
Little body scan, mid exercise.
Abby Wambach:
I used to just count for some reason when I was in the depths of it. I’d just count out loud, so that I wouldn’t think about it, so maybe I’ll-
Christen Press:
Yeah, exactly.
Abby Wambach:
Just something.
Glennon Doyle:
Christen, you helped lead the charge for racial and gender justice in the NWSL. So, I just think it’s super important, sometimes when we talk about spirituality or any of this, people tend to think either, or. If you’re talking about the spiritual world, you are not boots on the ground involved in justice work, which is just … couldn’t be less true here. Once again, this is and, both situation for Christen.
Glennon Doyle:
So, you said, “The revolution is not about what you say or post,” Instagram and TikTok are going to be … They’re going to have problems with that, Christen. “It is about the inner work you do today and every day to fuel a lifetime of activism, the work starts within.” How does racial justice start within?
Christen Press:
This thought has come up so many times while we’re talking. I believe that the thing you can do to help the world is to help yourself and to cultivate peace and energy. Because I believe in that energy exchange, that’s my spirituality. And so in order to help others be well, you must be well yourself. And that’s where the two things get tied. I think there is a place for anger and frustration, and all the things that come, I think, with activism and fighting against status quo structures. But I think there’s also a place for a break and a place for cultivating your own sense of being grounded, so that you can go again and fight again. And I think that they’re actually really intertwined.
Christen Press:
When I think of my identity as a black woman, I think so much of my understanding about race came from this place of fear and a place of anger and a little bit of confusion and insecurity that comes from fear and anger. I think that that’s when it goes back to inner work, like me understanding my identity, my family, my history, how I came to be, what is my purpose? There’s a lot of guilt, I think, that goes into activism. It’s like, I’m not doing enough. I’m not contributing. I should be doing this. Look what that person’s doing. And that’s balanced by knowing yourself, being grounded, knowing your truth, knowing that can’t all get solved in one day and just being accepting of taking that next step.
Christen Press:
For me, that’s looked like [inaudible 00:46:58] our players’ association, so that we could take some power back from the federation and fight for equality. And it’s looked like having to have really hard conversations with reporters about coaches that were treating people unfairly. And that takes a strength that can only come from being well and being me and being you. I just think that that balance is important. I think it’s actually crazy to think that people think justice fighting and spirituality are at odds because for me, they’re exactly the same. And it’s like your belief in a greater good is how you get through the work. It’s how you do the work, it’s your why at the end.
Glennon Doyle:
So, you said energy exchange and the way that works is your spirituality. Can you tell me what you mean?
Christen Press:
Yes. So, I think every person that you interact with, you just have an energy exchange. I think people who are really good at it, you don’t even have to be in the room with them and you feel the presence. And there’s just like a … So simple, like a warmth that you feel, something that makes you at ease. I think that that’s an idealistic version of the best form of a human. It’s the human that lifts their head back and laughs because everything’s perfect. But I think that that’s something that we all are working towards.
Christen Press:
Ultimately, what I want to do on this Earth is just leave it a little happier, leave it a little safer, and you can think really macro and you’re like, “Okay, then I have to change this policy,” but it’s like, you can also just make someone feel safe in a moment and that’s the energy exchange. I think that we are a collective, where I believe in oneness. I believe that my wellbeing is tied to your wellbeing. And so, the more well that I am, the more well that you are. And in that humanity, we can all move in the same direction if we’re in that interchange of energy. I think that that’s special and it’s also very motivating for me because when I have an interaction with someone, especially when I’m being my introverted self, I feel like, oh I want to protect me,” or I want to keep this from me, or this is my boundary.
Christen Press:
And those things are important, but there’s something that’s just so life giving to me, to just know that a smile, or just a warmth, it’s contagious and it can lift somebody and that person can then spread it on. And in that way, simple moments can have massive impact.
Glennon Doyle:
The idea of change the world but the world is often just the world that’s within your fingertips, just the world around you. So beautiful. If we are suffering and we’re like, “All right, I’m just going to do a body scan.” And then it won’t be suffering, it’ll be awareness. But my question is, how do you know when you’re in a situation that’s the wrong kind of hard? You shouldn’t be just body scanning, you should be body leaving. How do you know? Have you ever been in a situation where the answer was not acceptance? The answer was end this. Because people are always asking us about that. I think it’s one of the best questions. How do you know when to dig deep and how do you know when to quit digging?
Christen Press:
Wow, I love that question. I’m puzzling over it. I’m thinking of environments that I’ve been in that were not safe or good. I’m the type of person who I have really high standards. So, I speak about spirituality except this, but I have a really high standard for things I don’t put up with a lot. I came from a tough family, so I never feel like if something is triggering or unsafe, I never attach that to the same place where I’m trying to understand myself better. Those are two separate things. But if I think an unsafe soccer environment, where things are going wrong, we’ve all seen NWFL, it’s happened in all phases of our career. I do think that I have to accept it to fix it. I don’t have to accept it to live with it, but I accept it to fix it because when you’re volatile or when you’re overly emotional, then that’s not the best place to make progress. And so, in order to have the conversations, the hard conversations, and do the work, I have to be able to have processed the bad parts of it. But I do think that to some degree that comes naturally to me, I make boundaries and stick to that.
Abby Wambach:
Give it us an example of boundary setting, because that’s a big topic of this conversation and in my marriage, I’m still learning.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, what are some of your boundaries? In friendship or in relationships with other people? How do you teach people how to treat you?
Christen Press:
I mean, the most severe example, it’s like I have a relationship where I will only interact with this person while the sun’s up because the sun goes down and it’s a scary situation. It’s a relationship that I’ve been dealing with my whole life, where I have felt unsafe. It wasn’t until two years ago and I worked with a therapist, that this idea came about like, I don’t have to put myself in that situation. Even though it’s a person that I love dearly and I have to see, and I feel guilty when I don’t and all of those things, but I think it has been a revolutionary boundary for me because it’s like-
Glennon Doyle:
I love that.
Christen Press:
… I can still love this person within the way that I can. And my boundary doesn’t mean that I don’t love them. It actually allows me to love them because if I was going to see this person at night, I would not love them.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. Boundaries are good for relationships. Yes, that’s beautiful.
Glennon Doyle:
I love that. Only during sun hours. I mean you can say-
Christen Press:
The sun goes down and I’m out.
Glennon Doyle:
I love it. I want to talk about the 2015 ticker-tape parade because I read something that you wrote about that that was so beautiful. It really feels like the way that you describe it, that you experiencing that first ticker tape parade led to the equal pay settlement. Because you say that you stood there and you looked at the people celebrating you and how many people were in those streets because they cared that you won. And then you compared that to how you were being treated and paid and it didn’t align and you had an awakening.
Christen Press:
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
Wow.
Christen Press:
No, I mean you just said it exactly how I experienced it. I think in 2015, I had no idea what the magnitude of that tournament would be. When you’re in a world championship, Abby, you know better than me, you’re in isolation, you’re in a bubble and you’re heads down just trying to get through to the next game. And then you come out of this experience and that in itself would be a whole podcast because it’s really mentally hard. But you come out and you open your eyes and you’re like, “Oh yeah, something else other than my World Cup exists.”
Christen Press:
But what happened was we opened our eyes and our lives had changed. We went into the tournament as somewhat well known people and we came out as these beacons of hope for people. And that was a complete surprise for me. I didn’t know that that was going to happen. I had no idea. I think people who had played another world championships probably knew, but I was like, “What the heck, how is this happening?” I didn’t know anyone was watching, you know?
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Christen Press:
Other than people in the stands. And then we had that ticker-tape parade, which was the perfect picturesque setting of so many people crying and cheering. And it’s the absolute best part of sport, coupled with the hope of equality and those two things coming together. It was a moment, it was like a reckoning where I was like, “Wow, we’re extremely valuable in this moment from a complete business sense.” Of course, the reason that it was impactful to me, totally separate. But I was like, “Hey, a lot of people want something from us right now. We have huge value in our market. Why aren’t we being compensated that way?”
Christen Press:
I think that’s what started this re-upping of our players’ association, to take back power because it was this knowledge of our own value. I think that’s what the world does, is they try to hide your value from you so that you don’t know. And in this moment, there was no hiding it because there was thousands of people throwing tiny pieces of paper at us. And that was enough to know that we deserved better.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh my God, it’s so good.
Abby Wambach:
It makes me remember. I actually talked to Glennon a lot about this in terms of post-retirement guilt and the consciousness that we have now and seeing you all come to settlement with US Soccer. I just remember feeling like I didn’t do enough. I just accepted such mediocre standards for so long and I’ve had to actually do a lot of personal work in accepting that part because I do think that there is a role we all play on this spectrum.
Glennon Doyle:
Continuum.
Abby Wambach:
This continuum of justice, but I can’t help but look back and go, “Oh, I just took such minimal … ” I mean, we have this conversation all the time about business. She’s like, “Abby, you are worth more than this. You can actually go back and say, ‘No.’ ” I could go on and talk about this forever. But there was nobody that was more proud and more happy for you all, because it almost needed us old folks, like us old OGs needed to not be in the team, for you to actually get this accomplished. Sometimes the old does need to go out for the new to be able to step into a new paradigm. And you all did that so well.
Christen Press:
But you know, I feel like we all feel that we haven’t done enough. I think from the outside world, a settlement was such a massive accomplishment, but there is so much work to be done. So, the same feeling that you’re expressing, I absolutely still feel it. The way I always talk to people about it is when you join the US national team, you’re handed a torch because something happened long before I was on the team that made that team just a symbol of hope for people. That comes with great responsibility, but you’re handed this torch and you carry it as high and as far as you can, and then you hand it off, and any success we had was built on the work that you did, and same will be of the next generation. I think that that’s kind of a drag on fighting for justice and activism in general, that it’s so riddled with guilt. I wish we can all be rid of that, because in my own life, I think the all time I’m not doing enough, but that, I know it’s wrong, so I try to fight it. And I’m like, “I’m doing what I can. That’s something.” But it’s so true and I think it paralyzes people and makes them afraid to do anything, to do what they can, because it will still feel it’s not enough.
Glennon Doyle:
When you think that you’re not doing enough, do you think of your mom? When you’re thinking of something that you know is not true, that you know somebody who loved you without human nature would not believe, does that help you to have an actual relationship with someone who is free of all human bullshit so that you can get fixed?
Christen Press:
Out of it? Yeah. Yeah, I think that’s true. I think that I’ll have these thoughts and then it’s not even that conscious, but it’s just like, I can even just think, “Mom.” And then I’m like, “Ah.” And it’s just this reminder that something’s bigger than this small thing that I’m feeling, that you feel it and it feels so big, but it’s not the end. And now my mom just represents that for me. So, it pulls me out and gives me some perspective. So, thanks, mom. Keeping me going.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay, Christen Press. With that, we’re going to end. Our next right thing, I just think I’m thinking already about the beginning of this conversation and about how much suffering could be saved from if we would communicate more with our people. If you’re a parent and you’ve got a kid, don’t assume that they know that you love them just without any of the achievements. Tell them, tell them, tell them, tell them. I’m going to today. And also, let’s just do what Christen does and just do our best to make the world a little bit happier and a little bit safer even if it’s just the people in the room we’re in.
Abby Wambach:
Well, let me tell you, my life post-soccer has gotten exponentially better. I know that in my heart, I’ve probably wanted to be more like you and work on the full humanity of myself. I was afraid that it would distract from the soccer, so I did opposite. I just did all soccer and then now I’m just fully into my humanity. And the fact that you’re so ahead of that game makes me know that your retirement is going to be filled. You are not going to believe how much joy you can experience without this other thing that became so much of who you are, the thing that you spent most of your time doing. I keep telling all the players who are still playing. I’m like, “Just you wait, it gets-“
Christen Press:
Just wait.
Abby Wambach:
It gets so much better.
Christen Press:
The other side.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, the other side.
Christen Press:
Thank you so much for having me.
Glennon Doyle:
Christen, you’re a dream. We adore you so much.
Christen Press:
It’s been a joy.
Glennon Doyle:
We will see you at the games.
Christen Press:
Love you both.
Glennon Doyle:
Love you.
Christen Press:
See you at the game, see you.
Glennon Doyle:
Bye pod squad.
Abby Wambach:
Bye.
#christen press#glennon doyle#abby wambach#we can do hard things#i don't why i felt the need to do this but i did#you have no idea how long this took me to do
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Can you tell us more about 'Choir member found in Yahar'gul was Caryll' idea? This sounds fantastic! (I am not a fan of dead hunter in Hemwick interpretation as well btw, that corpse is *TOO* bluntly shown to be normie Yharnam hunter, not even the Old/Church one, and Caryll was a scholar, not a commoner!)
HI I AM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG!! <3
—
I really had to think on exactly why I feel like this headcanon would work so well, and honestly, I think I figured it out.
I hope you don’t mind, but I kinda want to share my overall headcanon for who exactly Caryll was before I just jump straight into his death, haha. I have been developing my thoughts on him a lot recently, and you and Fantomette have really inspired me to think about this character. I really appreciate that!!
So, here we go!
Since this is an opportunity to share the portrait I made for him…
(Update: This portrait and text is from February when I first drafted this answer lol. I wanna redraw with better anatomy, but whatever, you get the idea.)
You’ll have to forgive me, because I’m really still learning to draw faces up close and it is…tough. I’m also still in that “Picrew” stage for portraits lmao.
As you can see, I’ve adopted the red hair headcanon from you and Fantomette, because I think it suits him, and I also am down with the idea that he was from Cainhurst (pre-Vilebloods). Yes, he also does very much have that docile “lil guy” energy that makes him so bloody endearing to us all. I feel like every depiction of Caryll has a bit of that, and mine being a mix of many is no exception.
My thoughts on his origin have changed a lot, but I have a general story nailed down now, and I would like to first acknowledge a key factor to how I see his character.
So, you know how you see him as an artist? I absolutely love that idea, and I think it fits quite well. Him being the painter of the Cainhurst portraits and all. I tend to adopt the headcanon, but for this particular interpretation, I will have to go with my original view, and that was the idea that he was a musician. Both artist and musician fit him, honestly, but something stands out to me about “transcriptor” or “copyist.”
He was…transcribing sounds onto paper…
Just as someone who comes from a family full of musicians, this is such a familiar idea. I am still baffled how some of my family members can hear a note, know exactly what it is, and then convert it into sheet music on paper. They transcribe entire songs like this. I dabble in music, but I’m not formal about it by any means, and I still can’t read sheet music, so people who can impress me. They are essentially writing down the sounds they hear, and making a language of symbols out of it. Some music notes even look like runes!
So, to me…that was Caryll. A prodigy musician, and kind of like the Mozart of Byrgenwerth. I think he wrote “Ave Stellar,” aka the true Choir theme that only plays for the Living Failures because of how they “hail the stars” in their fight. But come on, we all know that song slaps so hard because it’s the Choir’s theme and not some blue aliens theme, haha. I’d say Caryll wrote Ebrietas’ theme as well (Oh Fair Maiden, Why is it That You Weep?), and all of the hymns they sang in the Cathedral.
Furthermore, I think he was just a genius in general, and it was his journey alongside Rom that led to his demise.
—
Before I explain what I think their story was, let me add an interlude and detail a bit about how I see Rom and Micolash.
Rom is absolutely Micolash’s younger sister in my mind, so we all share that theory! I call them the Spiderlings, or the Spider Twins. I think they were Willem’s abandoned children, and that idea comes from my keen interest in how Willem and Micolash were connected in alpha Bloodborne.
Some examples being how “The University Professor” boss remains were originally found with Micolash, or how they share a voice actor in-game. Also how Micolash’s model is the one being used in the “Laurence betrays Willem” sequence, or how they both have this weird link to Rom and Kos and the pursuit of eyes. They all just seem like relatives to me, and at least in development, they were closely associated.
(Update: We have since also discussed the theory on how Kos could have taken Rom from Willem just as Willem took the Oprhan from the shore, right? Oh the drama. Meanwhile, Micolash thinks Rom was just blessed.)
From these extremely minuscule details, I just ran with the theory that Willem had a wife at some point, had two children during the early days of Byrgenwerth, lost his wife, and basically forgot about the kids.
You know how you see them as orphans? To me it’s a similar type of situation. They were just neglected, and Willem didn’t bother to even try to get them into the school because he didn’t want nepotism to become an issue.
That’s why I imagine Mico and Rom growing up around the school as loners and “the weird kids” that most people didn’t even know were related to Willem. But fortunately, they were brilliant children and became extremely successful academics. Rom was an autistic savant who struggled socially, and was dubbed a fool for it, but she thrived in her own world of study and was secretly the smartest kid in that whole damn school.
Mico was just dangerously intelligent in a chaotic way and was naturally gifted with medicine and anatomy, and DAMMIT I REALLY WANT TO MAKE A POST FOR THEM BUT GRRRR.
I can’t do this on Caryll’s post, so that’s the jist for Mico and Rom’s origin. I’ll leave it at that, and I’ll add that Caryll grew up with them and he was like…the only family they had. Rom and Caryll in particular were very close.
—
When the Byrgenwerth split happened, Mico went to work in the Research Hall with Rom, while Caryll went with Laurence to start building up the Church. Somewhere in the interim, Rom was granted her eyes like we have discussed, and I am totally on board with the idea that, “The trouble began there.”
In short, Rom and Mico were those siblings blessed with arcane infusion, but Rom was the one to start drawing nearer to Kos and the lake. The following chaos, Rom’s desire to find her own group, and Mico’s treatment of the Research Hall patients eventually led them to abandon it all.
Afterwards, the Research Hall was, in my theory, flooded and ruined around the time of Maria’s death, which meant that Mico was without a “home base” if you will, and wanted to go recreate a mini Byrgenwerth in Yahar’gul with Rom, Damian, and the newly recruited Archibald, who I speculate was beginning to run his own operation in Yahar’gul around the time.
This was the infant stage of The School of Mensis, but it didn’t quite blossom at that point because Rom wanted to help Caryll build up his own league of scholars, and that was The Choir. Micolash was conflicted about whether he wanted to help his sister or start his own school. It was a love/hate type thing.
Meanwhile, Caryll was working with Yurie, his lab partner, and trying to figure out the link between sound and The Great Ones. He believed that a wall of human voices could produce enough sound to mimic a Great One’s voice, and so his brainchild was the church choir, all of whom he recruited and trained to harmonize in such a way that they could sing out singular words with specific clarity.
Around this time, Laurence also began to convert the Research Hall into an Orphanage where the lost children of Yharnam could be raised. Caryll had also discovered Ebrietas below the collapsed remains of the Research Hall, and arranged with Laurence for the location to be easily accessible. They agreed, and Caryll began his operation with his newfound Choir. I think he also invited Rom to join him and Yurie to take care of the orphans as well, because he knew she herself cared greatly for neglected and parentless children.
Caryll, Rom, and Yurie became a tight-knit trio after that, with Rom eventually taking the position of Choir “conductor” due to her bond with Ebrietas and Caryll and Yurie becoming composers, as well as transcriptors/writers. Their work was unparalleled. This is when the Call Beyond, the Auger of Ebrietas, and the Choir Bell were all invented. Caryll, Rom, and Yurie were just too powerful together, and you can imagine how much Laurence and the higher-ups appreciated their work.
But then Micolash ruined everything.
As he does.
Anyway, I headcanon that Micolash basically hated Caryll and was jealous of his close relationship with Rom because of unhealthy sibling attachment issues. Mico worked with them in the Choir for a while, but soon lost interest and took Damian to officially start running things in Mensis. Things were tense for years, with Mico definitely abusing members of the Choir and treating them like trash, but when Rom ascended, he lost it completely. Somehow he had both hated and loved her with a strange, unhinged passion. His resentment, rejection, and grief over her pretty much drove him insane. And yes, he absolutely put a lot of the blame on Caryll for “stealing her.” But hell, Mico blamed everyone. Even Ebrietas.
Rom’s absence, or to simple human minds, “death” was the catalyst for all the tragedy that followed. That’s when it basically turned to war between Mensis and the Choir. Yurie was sent to guard Rom’s lake, and Caryll was left alone to keep everything running, but as we know, people got desperate and violent. Caryll couldn’t handle the guilt over what had happened to Rom, or his orphans, or his scholars at the hands of Micolash. He lost heart, his compositions became darker, and eventually he was left unfit for his position.
That’s when he was captured by a Snatcher, brought to Yahar’gul, and gleefully tortured by an insane Micolash. It ended when Mico shocked him to death with the Tiny Tontritus we can find right outside the jail cell in that chest. Caryll put up hardly any resistance and believed that he deserved the torment. He was far more gentle-hearted than the others, and when the people he was meant to look out for were killed or hurt, he tended to sink into deep depression and self-hatred.
Poor bastard.
I think it fits perfectly. This Choir person in the cell has been rotting there for a while, as we can see. It almost feels as though they were a monument to another time. The first true victim of Mensis. Caryll.
After his death, the Choir took a darker turn, and the lingering authorities raised many of the orphans to be brainwashed lackeys of the once glorious faction. I believe Edgar was one of these children, doomed to fall into Micolash’s claws in his later life. The other Orphans ascended to become Celestial Emissaries.
Really, this all started because of some neglected siblings and a very jealous brother who decided to wreck everything lmao. Caryll was just collateral damage. I love that kind of tragedy, if you can’t tell.
—
This was perfectly timed, or rather, Alex Roe’s new Choir/Mensis album was because it finally gave me that last burst of inspiration I needed to explain where my head was at with this story. Alex actually wrote a theme for Caryll on this one too! It’s amazing, and “Dream Beyond the Cosmos” is what I was listening to when explaining Caryll’s death. It made me so sad, man :(
Anyway, sorry again for how long this took. I just had a crazy semester and it drained so much of my writing energy, but I’m starting to get my motivation back now…
Let me know what you think!
#FINALLY THIS ONE CAN LEAVE THE DRAFTS#my god#sorry katyyyy lmao#runesmith caryll#yurie the last scholar#rom the vacuous spider#micolash host of the nightmare#bloodborne#bloodborne headcanons#asks#mutuals
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Hey, your art is really beautiful, especially your Laurence pieces! I can say you are having a blast with drawing his horns, and also beautiful colors. I am curious - do you have design or headcanons for character Runesmith/Transcriptor Caryll in mind? You seem to like Byrgenwerth stuff and he was one of the few confirmed scholars that we know of (alas only mentioned in item descriptions)?
thanks! :)
truthfully i only started thinking about Caryll a little more recently (namely for writing rather than drawing) so this is nebulous. (preface that i’ve seen some wonderful headcanons for Caryll already and they are all interesting, etc).
Caryll, as i picture them, is not a native Yharnamite. Their mother tongue is not whatever Yharnam’s common tongue is - perhaps their family travelled a lot, and they grew up speaking multiple languages or dialects, and as a result they’ve developed an ear for it. That talent for languages is innately musical, and that’s what makes them the best (and probably only) scholar capable of effectively translating - from song to word to pictogram - the logos (in the theological sense) of the Great Ones.
i imagine them a few years behind Laurence’s cohort and not as aggressive in their research, as such they start out a little more malleable to Willem’s influence; but I think they grow into their role as a scholar and learn to play both sides: keeping the position, prestige, and resources tied to their affiliation with Byrgenwerth while semi-openly being in contact with the Healing Church when they have need of it. Their play is ultimately neutral: their loyalty lies with their work, rather than either ideological camp.
iirc Caryll is never referred to with gendered pronouns? (and i haven’t played in French or Italian so i don’t know how they’re gendered in languages in which it is largely inescapable). so by extension (and i am not the first to do this) i imagine them presenting as fairly non-binary, with a preference for male clothes of the era (for aesthetic and practical reasons).
here’s a very fast and very rough ideation of my Caryll.
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Transcriptors Hydraulic
Sony serie ES
Otari MX5050Bll2
Klipsch Klipschorn AK6
Lounge Chair Charles Eames 717 Alivar
C'era una volta l'Hi-Fi
#Hi-Fi#Klipsch Klipschorn#Otari#Sony serie ES#Transcriptors Hydraulic#Lounge Chair Charles Eames 717 Alivar
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“Is it true that we don’t know the actual colors of Roman shields?”
Well, yes and no. Roman shield colors from the Republican era through about the mid fourth century are essentially a mystery. The best we can do is to interpret comments, and most of them boil down to things like “the Romans, with their brightly painted shields, were easily seen amongst the throng of white shielded Samnites.”
Nobody bothered to be more specific, however. Why would they? In archaeology and history, we always search for definitive answers in the attempt to interpret the past, but that’s a modern thing. And even then, ask yourself why, if you know that, for instance, US infantry tends to dress in OD green for military deployments, why you would, in many cases, bother to write that down (assuming you aren’t a military historian.) Common knowledge is simply not as likely to be recorded.
Romans were very practical people: the Roman Army was always huge by standards of the time, and everybody knew somebody who had served in the Legions. Why bother taking the time to write down what color dad’s shield had been? So instead, we have inference, and Roman writers tend to prefer discussing, say, the course of a military campaign or a specific aspect of military life that civilians might not fully grasp.
In around the mid fourth century, however, the Roman Army was large as it would ever be, and in the midst of a series of reforms, a large document called the “Notitia Dignatum” was created. We can debate who commissioned it, but in essence it provided a great deal of information about deployments, issue of equipment, locations of the armories, etc. Among all that, shield patterns are not only discussed, but illustrated and colored. Great! Well.. not quite a slam dunk, because:
a. The original documents were lost some time in the Renaissance, and only hand drawn, meticulously written copies remain (one is now in the Bodleian Library.)
b. The oldest, and therefore most reliable, copy was copied over in black ink. The transcriptor used an extensive series of notations (hashmarks, squares, grids) to represent colors. But, perceptions of color can change over time, as can names. So, we aren’t sure precisely which colors said transcriptor means when using certain terms.
c. A later transcriptor, using early moveable type and hand drawn illustrations, completely reverses color schemes, misinterprets the system by their predecessor to indicate those colors, etc. to complicate this, they claim to be working from a rare and very precious fragment of an original Late Roman copy.
d. We cannot confirm that the patterns and colors used in the Notitia are the same patterns and colors, or at least close to them, in the period prior to the second half of the fourth century. This is complicated because…
e. By this time, Roman military terminology has significantly changed. They aren’t commonly using phrases like “Legions” and “Cohorts” anymore, for instance. So, how can we complete them directly? Is the III Comitatenses Gens Augusta the same as Leg. III? That sort of thing.
f. Very little of the iconography surviving on earlier monuments matches that of the Notitia, so it’s been very difficult to cross reference this kind of thing.
What little we know for certain about the colors used to decorate the shields of Republican and Imperial Legions can be summarized as follows:
a. By the time of the Polybian reforms (roughly second century BC), shields (scuta) are being state issued, along with just about everything else. Were they pre-painted in the armories so that a pattern was followed? Unclear.
b. Paint used was provably milk based.
C. The reverse of shields, by the time of Augustus, were likely painted brick red. This is because they are depicted as such in various surviving reliefs from Roman Egypt (Aegyptus) and fragmentary artifacts. For example, a stack of shields was found in Pompeii (there is an armory there somewhere, but it hasn’t yet been located). They were decently preserved: YAY! The front of the stack had been carbonized, destroying decoration: BOO! But the reverse sides were face down in the mud, and the color uncovered is clearly brick red.
d. Fragments of Republican shields have been found in the Po and the Tiber. They are not complete, but an early twentieth century report claims that they had traces of white and possibly orange (the Romans loved bright, vivid, frankly garish colors.) Those examples have been lost: possibly looted or destroyed during the World Wars.
e. Roman military tombstones located in Germany at the beginning of the twentieth century had traces of color: pink, yellow, possibly green. They were likely cavalry markings. These, too, seem to be lost. So do us no good.
f. Dura Europos, a settlement on the border between Roman Syria and Persia, was sacked by the Sassanid Persians in the mid third century AD. The Romans managed to withdraw, and abandoned the settlement. The Persians lacked the resources to claim it, so left it to fall apart. An excavation of the site in the 1930s revealed one near complete scutum, and one battered cavalry shield. The cavalry shield has faint traces of green or yellow. The scutum, however, is a work of art: brightly painted with winged lions, fish tailed horses (hippocampii) with a red field and details in black, white, and yellow gold.
Is there latter a standard paint job? Is it a one off? We don’t know. (I tend toward the former rather than the latter, given the complexity of shield painting in other Mediterranean cultures.)
g. The Romans re-used and recycled everything until it fell apart. As such, it’s possible many excellent examples - probably issued, and then re-issued again and again - eventually broke into pieces over the course of a long campaign.
Given all of this, there may now be a potential solution. Color spectroscopy could be used, even today, on surviving Roman military monuments. It’s already been used on a handful of sculptures and confirmed what we already knew: that the Greeks painted their statues in bright colors and that -some- Roman statuary followed suit. -However-, attempts to arrange such analysis of important monuments: the Arch of Titus, the Severan Arch, Trajan’s Column, have failed. Those currently doing the most work with the new technology - which does not come cheap - have focused almost exclusively on Renaissance and post-Renaissance art and architecture. The reality, putting it plainly, is that Classical Archaeology is neither as well funded as Renaissance art restoration nor as popular as Egyptology.
I do hope this provides some useful information. Typing this on mobile, and it is quite late, so I apologize in advance for any typos.
Thank you for your question, Little Mortal!
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The radios today seem to not be working; something was causing interference with the waves. Online radio stations seem to be having a better chance at things, but unfortunately nobody could get audio either. However, the audio transcriptor seemed to be working, so while people couldn't hear, they could read what was going on.
On top of this the video feed seemed to be working, so coupling this, people were having a grand ol' time watching the last bit of the race.
The final segment of the race was here: THE CORONET TRACK!
Transcript from the Third Segment of the Lunar Race:
Good morning everybody!
I'm Kinsey from Sinnoh Now, coming to you live from the base of Mt Coronet, the final track of the Great Lunar Race! Entirely on land, the goal for everybody is to get to the top! This is a free for all, so anything goes in terms of the way up. Our racers will run, climb and do whatever it takes to get out top!!
Last time King Ghetsis was holding the first place, followed by Hassel with Alistair holding onto third. But how long will these three stay up top? It's anyone's game now at the final leg of the race. We will be following them up via helicopter alongside Goldenrod Radio. Now...let's go cheer on our racers!
*1....2.....3....GO!*
Ghetsis hanging onto his lead, riding on Maryse's back. Team Houndoom has gotten quite the lead. Not to be left in the dust, Ashe, Green and Giacomo are hot on Ghetsis' literal tail! Everyone else is sprinting off from the starting line after them, rounding up the main path of hikers on Mt Coronet.
It seems like the racers have all agree on taking a vertical route up the mountain, rather than taking the safe main roads. You can feel the competitive spirit! Alistair and Daisy are really going for it, as are Ghetsis and Hassel, looking comfortable on the backs of their Garchomps. Giacomo looks pretty queasy from up here, but he and Tyrant are making good headway up the mountainside.
Oh, no. Looks like there's an equipment malfunction again. Just who provided the gear?! This is ridiculous! Rika, Ashe, Yris and Green really need to talk to their sponsors about better safety gear! Looks like Team Luxray is ditching the gear and is going bareback! Good thing her Garchomp doesn't have Rough Skin, or that would be an uncomfortable ride! That's some great leg strength there, hang in there Rika!
Alistair is keeping up his lead, now followed by Rika as they proceed the next part using the main road! Looks like Team Luxray is more surefooted now, Rika speeding along with Sosu right after Alistair and Daisy. Yris is also keeping pace with Rika, running beside her with Juno the Garchomp.
Mt Coronet is known for being pretty treacherous even for the most prepared hiker or mountaineer. We get regular avalanches and rockslides up here. Oh, would you look at that! There's one right ahead. The main path is blocked up with rocks.The Garchomps are showing off their nimble movements across the fallen rocks, but some have opted to try and climb upwards again, slowing down their progress.
Among those who chose to climb vertically is Hilary, who is now considered in first place. Ghetsis has also chosen to climb upwards, Maryse jumping upwards to close the gap between them as quickly as possible.
We are nearing the top of the mountain and our racers are really fierce! Aluwa's been playing it more careful this time. We are seeing a big burst of energy from her and Torque! Brian making up for past segments with him and Chelsea coming up behind Aluwa, followed by Hilary.
The finish line is fast approaching. Where is everyone else on the mountain? Everybody split off and made their own path to the top. I can see Alistair and Yris lagging behind on the main road, they both look a little lost. Oh, there's Giacomo! Oh, I think Tyrant is bodily carrying his rider up; looks like poor Giacomo isn't having a good time with heights, especially after the Sky track earlier this week. Oh, hey, another rockslide. Looks like some of the racers got caught up in it; King Ghetsis is with Rika helping to get the stuck racers out of trouble. I can see Blue and Green rushing ahead; they must have made it past before the rockslide happened. The two of them are in fierce competition. Let's see...is anyone getting closer to the top?
Oh, that's one of the pinch hitters, Hilary of Team Bastiodon! I can see him about to crest the top – no wait! Coming from the other side with a huge jump! That's Hassel and Rosso! They're soaring through the air and cutting straight through the finish line ribbon! Hilary has finished climbing the cliffside and has crossed, too. And oh, Green has made it up the main path, coming in third place!
Amazing!
This year's winner is Hassel of Team Mamoswine!
I can see the fans at the bottom of Mt Coronet cheering. Are those Uva-Naranja Academy uniforms, I see? Looks like the school turned out to watch their teacher race! Paldea turned out in support of their racers.
Incredible. That brings the Lunar Race to a close. Tomorrow we will have the winner's ceremony in which Hassel will receive his medal and the passing of the torch may occur between the winning Garchomp and last year's Champion Lopunny. Please tune in tomorrow for the ceremony it's going to be beautiful, held at the illustrious Spear Pillar and handled by the shrine maiden of the Moon Shrine! Hassel will be crowned the Luckiest Man in the World.
This is Kinsey, signing off!
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