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youresupervalid · 8 months

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Hey tumbr i need some criticism

So ive been doing some writing and id like to know what yall think of it ^^

The clink of a cup rings throughout the restaurant as it hits the coaster. The one placing the cup is Jubilee. “BZZZZT” the piece in their ear rang throughout their head.

“Hey Juby baby!!!! Let me just say that you did an exquisite job on the last run”

You could hear the smirk he was wearing.

This dickweed really has lost the plot. A guttural groan escapes their throat.

“Oh what's wrong J-”

“Just tell me what you want from me… and don't call me Juby!”

“Oh come on hun you're no fun… Alright look there's this little place a little north of great Eiston,

It's the corpse of an ancient empire.'' He says this as if he's trying to sell them on the idea.

“Now supposedly all the history and value has been left untouched.” again the complexion in his voice is one of a door to door salesman.

“Heh. you talk about it as if you actually care about the history and you're not just gonna sell it off without a care in the world” as they say this he scoffs, and a ding plays in their head as the location is added to their database.

A low pitched hum plays as he hangs up. Jubilee quickly finishes their food and heads up to the counter. Almost slamming their hand against the wood”

Almost in a whisper they speak “Hey the food was great… Alright look i was sent here to kill the chef as payment for what she did to Aoron”

The cashier's eyes widened with fear. “Butttttt ill count the food as payment enough” they pull out a piece of paper and write down an address.

“Give her this” written was the address of someone who had helped Jubilee get away from their past life.

If you asked Jubilee why they did that, a consistent answer is not something you should expect, because truthfully they did not know. The chef was a bad person, yes, but so was the one who contracted jubilee. Both saving and killing her would be bad karma.

They turn around and leave the restaurant without even a single complaint from anyone inside.

Jubilee would be walking to Great Eiston as vehicles are for people with money, not someone who's just barely getting by.

They instantly set off. Bringing with them all that they had… which was not much but they cherished every item in their possession. And off they went searching for an ancient empire lost to time.

The scurrying of frogs can be heard as a boot hits the ground.

“Who builds their empire in a fucking swamp” they ask themself. Jubilee tends to talk, argue, and question themself, no clue why they do it, they're just like that.

Murky, grimy, salty, smelly, all things I did not want to be surrounded by today…

Every step produced a sludgy squelching sound from beneath their boots. Until eventually they stood upon a pathway leading towards Great Eiston.

As they step foot through the gate of Eiston, an almost…. Sultry smell hits their nose, it's a pleasant yet weird shift from the scent just outside the walls. A city of great magnitude, everything promised in tales of this place were present and yet…. It's so soulless and empty, not empty in the way of people, there were almost too many of those, and yet…. Just empty.

But they did not care, they were just thankful they had made it inside before the sun began to set.

They had never really ran into the creatures of the night, they were always a little too careful as to not be out that late, however they had heard tales and stories of the horrors after dark, and somehow they just knew to stay away from the darkness.

They had no idea where they would hold up for the night, they just hoped they'd find an all night bar or something and just wait out the night, and that's exactly what they found.

Walking in they spot a free seat next to an old bloke and a… interesting creature side by side. The creature was very pale in complexion, with semi long hair and a bow in it.

As they sit down the guy pipes up. “You got nowhere to stay?”

Jubilee's head basically locked onto him at that moment, with confusion in their eyes.

“You dont look like a local… we have no where to stay either heh” he said in an almost regretful voice

“The names Hansen” he smiles, staring at the beer on the counter “what's yours?” he holds out his hand for a hand shake as he asks

“J-jubilee” they say in a shaky voice shaking his hand.

A small squeak type sound escapes the creature's throat. “Oh it likes your name heh” he awkwardly scratches his head.

“Whats its na-” he cuts me off before i can finish “Dung Bung… or thats what i call it” he looks at Dung Bung “and it seems to like the name so it's kinda stuck”

“Here let me order you a drink” he says as he looks up at my face “o-oh….”

Jubilee had a screen where their face should be, some may simply mistake it for a mask but upon further investigation it would be clear that it was no mask.

“How did that…” he cut himself off nervously.

“I.. dont wanna talk about it.” they awkwardly say twiddling their thumbs with regret and sadness in their voice

“Fair enough!” he thinks for a minute…

Jubilee shows him their hand knowing what was on their mind, built into their arm was a capsule injector. Hansen instantly understood that that's how they ate and drank.

He picked up the beer he had ordered a while ago and took a long swig, as he clanked the cup upon the table once more he joked “I don't think they sell capsule beer here” he chuckles a little.

They snicker in response. “Alcohol doesn't work on me anyway” they say in response.

“Oh well thats shit” he says chuckling as he takes another swig

“So how did you two meet?” they ask gesturing towards dung bung

“Oh man that's a long long story man…. Hey tell you what, ill make you a copy of my diary if you really wanna know” he says half joking.

“Ill have to take you up on that!” they say as they start gasping and almost fall to the floor.

Hasen and Dung look over as jubilee as they fall to ground grasping at their chest as they try to pull something out of their pocket, soon they pull a capsule out and shove it into their arm and inject it. Once they do so their breathing slowly returns to normal.

Hansen helps them stand back up. “Hey dude are you alright?”

“Y-yeah… it's just…” they sigh “My body starts to reject all this” they gesture to their face and arm “if i don't take that medicine every now and then” they look down at their feet almost disappointed “i must have forgotten today…”

They look up at Hansen, as dung bung wraps its hands around Jubilee in a big hug. its big jumper is so soft. Jubilee started to cry… or whatever constitutes crying for them. They spent the night in that bar, talking with Hansen and Dung.

Eventually morning arose, and they felt something new… they almost didn't want to leave, they inquired with Hansen about their feelings.

“You made some friends,” he answers wearing an almost sad smile “oh here” he hands them a book “told ya i would” he chuckles.

They look down at the book, the front cover reads ‘The diary of a nobody’ seems a little too humble if you asked them but oh well. They look up at Hansen and go to hug him, he reciprocates with a big warm hug.

Jubilee would stay if they could… but they had to go and so did Hansen, their paths were in opposite directions. “Hey,” he piped up, passing them a paper. “Those are my digits, message when some time wont you?” they nod.

“Well… goodbye” they say, as they turn around and head north. They were never good with goodbyes.

Jubilee's whole character basically changed back there… they had never met someone who was so nice to them. They look down at the book and paper before slipping them into their bag.

The sludgy sounds as their boots hit the ground had returned as they set off out of the soulless city and back into the murky swamp.

“BZZZT” the sound of the piece in their ear startels them.

“Ayy lee, how are you going out there hun?”

Fucks sake he does not give up

“Hey atsou…. Please stop calling me hun” they say in a tone similar to the action of slamming your head against a wall.

“I’m almost at the ruins” they sigh.

“Oh good to hear…. Oh shit gotta go " a low humming “bzzt”’ plays as he hangs up.

The glimmering of a once great empire shines just within their vision, something that truly would have brought many to their knees back in its time. Such a glimmer fades the second the fullness of these ruins enters your view.

Old, decrepit, smelly, and dirty, are all descriptive words for this place. and yet not a single one fully encompasses the vast disgust this place entails.

He never told me this place was a waste dump, that dickweed.

And that it was, a waste dump, bags and bags of trash strewn about with no rhyme or reason. Slimy, sticky, gooey, none of these words can fully describe the vibe of that place.

If you thought that simply being in a swamp was bad enough, you truly were not ready for what awaited you just beyond the gate.

An all encompassing smell of rot, and god knows what else, attacks your nostrils the second you get even 10 metres within range of this ghastly place.

Jubilee notices two figures moving just beyond some rubble, they go to duck behind a bench beside the pavement, and observe the figures.

The one on the left had a tall muscular build with long messy red hair. She wore a maroon turtleneck jumper with armor and leather straps on top.

Whilst the one on the right had a shorter slightly less muscular build with short-ish parted hair with a light pink on one side and a light purple on the other. She wore a shirt with the sleeves ripped off and a sleek black long sleeved shirt underneath, and had armor on top also.

They were chatting whilst plucking at the rubble until they eventually pulled out an old book. Jubilee thought to themself how much they would get for bringing such a book back.

their thought was interrupted as one of them started approaching their location. They panic and decide to just stand up and deal with it.

The shorter one jumps back and screams a little “w-who are you…. Are you a raider???”

The talker one buts in “Tom… we’re raider you idiot”

The shorter one whose name seemed to be Tom was blushing, and so was the taller one although you couldn't really tell through their darker complexion.

Jubilee had run into other raiders in the past but those raiders were triggerhappy and not very talkative.

“Alright to business. What are you doing here?” The tall one asks this in a manner that seems like they are trying to be intimidating but she is very much failing.

“I could ask you the exact same thing” they say in a jokey tone whilst having their hand ready to grab the iron on their hip in case anything happens.

Everyone goes quiet until the short one just starts laughing. “Hah told you that wouldn't work Wof”

Wof begins to laugh as well “well stranger, we’re here looking for anything to sell off… and i assume you're here for the same thing?”

Jubilee nods their heads. “Well” Wof says with an energetic tone in their voice “I got dibs on that store over there” they say jokingly “Just don't go where we are going and we won't go where you're going” she says smiling.

The short one is already off into one of the buildings looking for value.

Jubilee once again nods and begins to head off to a building, and begins to scavenge through the trash, and filth.

#eepus #eepus writing

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