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#we're family whether we like it or not and we don't want to lose each other

atxxzist · 9 months

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the crown prince | c.s

summary: with the fall of the king, the kingdom of utopia rest on prince san's hand. but when bounties are put on his head as the consequence of his ancestors' actions, he realize there's a backlog of history to undo and a lot more to prove that he's deserving of being the rightful ruler

pairing: choi san x f!reader

genre: prince!san, commoner!y/n, medieval au, angst, fluff, suggestive

word count: 19k

(ao3) if you don't like lapslock

age 8:

you live in the fifth district, the poorest and most rundown of all districts, sitting at the bottom of the kingdom with a large body of water surrounding it.

the only remarkable thing about the place is the port that's often used for traveling in and out of the kingdom. other than that, rarely anyone from other districts would come down unless they want to be at risk of a flood--which always striked the district the hardest out of any others.

but even then, despite the limited portions of food your family has to survive on each day, or the hardrock wood mattress you guys have to sleep on that frequently gives your aging father back pain, life doesn't seem all that bad.

you still have your family and a roof over your head, and a mind too young and optimistic.

age 10:

just two years after, you soon find out how hard it really is for a kid living in the fifth district, and especially one without parents or someone to love and care for them.

the fishermen had said your parents fell overboard and their bodies couldn't be recovered.

you couldn't believe it at first that no one looked even the least concerned or urgent to search for your parents, but you soon learn that their lives are meaningless, and the people that threw you out after their death made sure you knew so is yours.

"ay, kid, we could leave you out here to die if we really want to," one of the tall, scary looking man says after your episode of protesting and crying starts to annoy him.

and easily like that, they both leave you in the orphanage that's already overcrowded with other children of similar circumstances.

you lose everything in one day; the house your father built from scratch, along with anything that's ever been handmade by your mother, it's all gone. they're both gone, and you feel yourself withering away with all the loss.

before the age of eleven, you become nothing more than a ward of the district and the responsibility to a bunch of strangers who probably doesn't care whether you live or die.

age 11:

it only takes a year for you to become almost nothing like the person you were once before who was cheerful and optimistic.

all of it beat out of you, watching every day as some of the children gets yelled at or punished for doing something so trivial, it desensitized you to the point you're no longer surprise to hear someone get told no one else would want them outside of the orphanage.

you don't talk to anyone or attempt to make any friends. you keep to yourself and would often read any books you could find or hunt for any sewing materials during the few time of the day they let you guys out.

age 12:

during dinner, you hear the group of kids sitting at the nearby table talk about the upcoming coronation of the prince.

"it's not even like we're gonna get to see it," one of the girls squeak, seemingly uninterested in the topic as she pokes her food because it's true.

events like that, especially any celebrations or gatherings are only reserved for those in the second and first districts, who are usually of noble and royal status. not nobodies like you guys down here living off of scraps and remnants.

"i want to see how the prince looks like," another boy adds with a mischievous tone.

you, too, want to see what the prince looks like, but you most likely never will. he won't come here and the chances of you going up there is damn near impossible, it might as well be good as a dream.

but all of the children agrees that he's the luckiest kid in the kingdom, and for that, they hate him for it.

age 13:

through the years, you've been watching as kids go and new ones would come in.

those that left were lucky to have gotten moved or adopted into a household that were willing to take them in, and you, like all the other kids in here, tired of the overcrowding and deteriorating state of the orphanage, hope that a kind family will one day swoop you away.

but it doesn't happen at age thirteen, and you continue to share a bunk with the same girl from three years ago who's been here longer than you.

age 14:

the states of the lower districts only seems to decline as you get older with the corrupted hierarchy and the rich taking all the resources for themselves.

for hundreds of years--you've learned, that it's always been bad, but everything's looking far worse than it has even four years ago.

but with the conditions in the lower three districts deteriorating, the citizens are growing more vocal, bitter, and resentful of those that resides in peace while everyone else is suffering.

the disparity not only made everyone despite the higher ups, but also each other as the stresses of the poor states get to them. and with you living in one of the three's, it made you harbor a hatred toward the top two districts as well, unable to see them past anything but greedy and power-hungry.

slanders of the royal family increased then. talks of overthrowing the king or starting a war for equal resources for all districts, and some even saying they'd rather swim across the ocean to reach kingdom aurora than to live in this "hellhole". but at the time, they were nothing but empty threats to make one feel better.

age 15:

you were so scared at first, hearing of all the horror stories told by the older, taunting kids who's gonna get moved into a family soon, that you're gonna be unlucky for the rest of your life and not get chosen like them.

that you're just gonna stay here until some lowly men decides to buy you off, or probably meet a worse fate.

but one sudden day when the director of the orphanage comes running into the dining hall and announces to all the kids to be on their best behaviors because someone from the second district is going to be coming down the next day, your life changes for the better at the age of fifteen.

you didn't think you had a chance at all, but you still wanted to try because no matter the intense dislike you hold for the two higher districts, if there's an opportunity for a better life, you're going to take it.

it's better than staying here and suffering. everyone else is becoming desperate and you're not any different.

the lady comes the following day as expected, her carriage alerting the entire place of her arrival as all the kids are on their knees with desperation in their eyes.

you guys have never had any visitors from a district so high up before, so this is very crucial.

when she walks in, everyone bows to welcome her, the sight as equally mesmerizing to others as it is to you. never in your life have you seen anyone with so many pearls and jewels, the gown she's wearing made of only the best materials.

it then hits you harder that however this lady decides to take you in, you're going to be living a comfortable life no matter what.

she takes one look around the room, all the children secretly crossing their fingers and it's when her eyes land on you and her lips turn up into a smile.

the director tells her you're a good kid. often guarded and doesn't really get along with the others, but well behaved nonetheless.

it feels weird to be the one everyone's envious of when you were usually on the opposite spectrum, but now passing all the kids as you make way to the front door, all their burning gazes planting a seed of guilt because you understand the feeling all too well.

but with the nation in this state, all anyone can do is look out for themselves. eventually, their time will come, and this just so happens to be yours.

the lady sits you down in the carriage next to her while the coachman leads the way back. she informs you will be working under the family as a servant but will be provided housing, food, and even freedom from time to time.

"i heard you like sewing."

you nod shyly at her words.

"i learned it from my mother."

"good. then you will have the opportunity to hone the skill."

the trip to the second district takes a total of three days, the only times you guys stopped was for food or toilet breaks. when the coachman announces the arrival, your first time seeing the scenery is that to of a fish fresh out of water.

you didn't even know trees or grass could be that green. or that it's not always supposed to feel like a sense of dread that takes the smiles off people's faces until they just look straight miserable.

it's as if you've entered a completely different nation, unable to comprehend the huge difference already, even in comparison to the third district.

the lady is quick to disappear into the house almost the size of the orphanage itself, calling for someone else to escort you around and show what the next couple of years (and possibly, the rest of your life) has in store for you.

you're to wake up at 5am everyday to prepare food for the noble family, and will be sharing a chamber with three other female servants: the main cook, the main cleaner, and another young girl about your age.

you're only allowed to wander during weekends with authorization and is only to go out for groceries or other necessities. other than that, any rule breaking will have consequences.

for the next couple of days, you practice the routine.

waking up in the early morning and prepping breakfast, then cleaning, and repeat for lunch and dinner. sometimes, you'd get to do different tasks like helping the noble daughter pick out a dress or shoes for the day, but that's only if you get called.

you pick up the cooking and cleaning quite fast because you used to help your parents a lot. and though the work hours can be tiring, the food you're eating and the place you sleep in is a lot better.

you also get the occasional freedom and access to improve your seamstress skills, and it's not the ideal life, but it is the best one for someone like you.

you hear a grunting sound close by one morning when you decide to wake up earlier than usual.

turning to the source, you see a figure far away near the tall gates, prancing around in his heavy armors with a sword in his hand. the sight definitely amazes you as you're only able to stare in awe before accidentally creating a ruckus that catches the attention of the stranger as he turns around.

it's still dark and you can't see his face very well, only until he starts walking toward you.

"can i help you?" he asks, voice a type of husky but innocent.

"oh, no." you shake your head, "i was just uhm... watching."

he chuckles and looks to the ground, your eyes trained on the way his dark hair ruffles along with his movements until he's staring at you again, finally out of the poor lighting.

he's cute and has childlike features. definitely not an appearance that gives away he could probably slice you dead right now if he wants to.

"you're the new worker," he vocalize, and it takes you a second to figure how he knew, following his gaze to the door of the chamber behind you.

"ah, yes i am." you nod.

"cool. well, i'm the gatekeeper. jongho."

"gatekeeper?" you crank an eyebrow, so far behind on rich people terminology, you have no idea what that means.

"i just protect and patrol the place in case of any intruders. it sounds fancy but it's really not. you don't have to keep it formal, though. we're all servants here."

"i see." you smile tight-lipped.

he also does look a little too young to be manhandling weapons or putting his life on the line, but you too, are also too young to be losing your parents and getting sold off as a servant.

for anyone in the lower three districts, it is all for survival.

you soon learn that jongho was born in the fourth district but he's been living and training here for so long, he can barely recall his time there.

and you're not sure what it is about him that makes you open up given the fact you've been closed off for so long ever since your parents death and the comprehension of the cruel world you're living in, but through the year and before you turn sixteen, you find your first true friend in choi jongho.

age 16:

you get acquainted with hongjoong, a friend of jongho and a messenger who travels in and out of the districts to deliver any important information.

you're not sure how he keeps his identity on the low in spite of the growing tension between all the districts, but jongho assures you he has his ways.

jongho spends his days training with many kinds of weapons; swords, spears, daggers, crossbows, and just about everything when he's not guarding the house--which he usually isn't because the second district is still relatively safe at this time.

but if there is any outside attackers, it would be jongho's and the other men's responsibilities to protect the noble family. it's what they've all been trained for.

you still cook and clean, and your sewing skills have gotten increasingly better that you also started picking up embroidery.

on the occasion, jongho would teach you how to use a dagger just so you'd have some knowledge of self defense and protection considering the alarming state of the nation.

and now that you're living under people of noble status, royal parties and balls were the standards. not that you'll ever get to attend them for yourself, always hearing about it for an alternative or watching the noble family dress up in pretty attires that cost hefty coins before they waddle off in their carriage into the first district.

hongjoong returns a week later, informing you and jongho that the conditions, especially in the fifth district, is really bad that some citizens have decided to risk their lives in hope of reaching the kingdom of aurora since ships and boats cannot be sailed without approval from the royal family.

"it's basically a death sentence to be living in any of the lower districts at this point. i fear if the king doesn't do anything about it, a civil war may be on the horizon."

age 17:

not much changes and hongjoong has said that the king, along with other royal and noble families, refused to take actions since the dividing of resources for all the other districts would cause the first and second to falter because they do not have enough for everyone.

it's better to keep some afloat than to put the entire nation at risk.

"but sir, that's only going to keep running the citizens out of the nation, and the ones that do stay are becoming angry. the first organization against the royal family already formed, calling themselves outlaws. and they're not just ordinary citizens. they could infiltrate the two higher districts if they want to. a solution is not to only keep them happy, but to also prevent a war."

"then strengthen the security. we also have equally skilled men, if not, more. send any able-bodied men to the gates of the first and second district and don't let anybody from the lower threes enter."

age 18:

things only get worse. nobody is allowed to travel freely between the districts anymore and anyone from the first two were strongly advised not to go down because the chances of getting robbed or assaulted are high.

the four working men in the house dwindled down to two because the other two, including jongho, would be sent to guard the entrance. but during rotation when he gets to come back to sleep and eat, he'd tell you that it's eerily quiet, but that all the lower districts know the higher ones are blocking off entrance and might retaliate soon.

"we should be prepared for the worst. hongjoong said the fact they're quiet might mean the organization is planning something."

age 19:

for a while, security at the entrance decreases when it looks like the lower districts weren't gonna try to do anything about it.

jongho and the other men in the house were able to stay around longer, sometimes even for a few days straight without going back, and the outrage did feel like it was just a false alarm.

no one in the higher districts, even hongjoong, were prepared for the storm that is after the calm.

"y/n! wake up!"

you groggily groan at the voice, sounding both hushed but eager as it jolts you from sleep.

it's jongho and he looks absolutely terrified, his figure hovering over your body still in bed.

"come on, y/n! we have to get going!"

you don't have the time to take in anything, jongho already pulling you up harshly to stand on your feet as you hurl out more groans and complaints.

"what's going on? i was sleeping, you know."

"the king is dead."

it's those words that makes you more awake than ever, unable to believe as you just stare dumbfoundedly while he ravages the drawers for more appropriate clothings.

"w-what? h-how?" you can barely form anything coherent at this point, your heart racing so fast.

"he was assasinated," jongho reveals, throwing a loose, oversized shirt at you. "we're not sure how they managed to get that far up the first district, but all this time, that must've been what they were preparing for--you need to get changed."

he throws you a pair of pants and continues speaking, at the same time going through almost the entire perimeter for anything that will prove useful.

you don't even care he's in the same room, your body going into shock and quickly pulling the night gown off before putting on what he gave you.

"hongjoong thinks they're planning a raid, starting from the second district and working their way up. if we stay here, we could get captured, held hostage, or whatever those outlaws want to do with us--here."

he finds the dagger he had given you sitting in the last drawer, pulling the extra sheath out of his pouch and running to tie it around your waist.

"keep this with you at all time, and remember what i taught you. just in case we ever get separated, you need to protect yourself," he demands, passing the dagger to you with an extremely serious look on his face along with the statement just now, making you queasy in the stomach.

you can't imagine having to part from jongho for whatever reason. you wouldn't know what to do.

he gestures to your shoes and you wear it quickly.

"now come on, let's go!" he grabs your wrist and your body flings forward, only managing to grab the pouch on top the dresser before your feet's following his steps out the door despite the lingering sleepiness and that you could be forgetting something else, but it's all happening so fast, your mind struggling to keep up.

you're about to ask him about the other servants, or the noble family, but as he whisk you into the nightly air, the breeze pushing past your skin, you realize that before jongho came, you were alone.

they all left you.

"where are we going?" you ask.

"down to the third district. hongjoong lended me a map and said to go through the forest, we'll catch less attention that way. he said we can stay at one of his hideouts for now."

for the next hours, you don't see anything but trees and branches in your way, and the moon high above the dark sky as it follows both you and jongho.

your feet tired and sore at this point, asking jongho to find a place to sit even for just a few minutes because you might just pass out.

"if we keep at this pace, we'll be able to make it to the third district by morning," he informs, handing over the costrel and telling you to drink.

you nod, passing it back after finishing, observing for a few seconds as jongho takes a couple sips.

"so where did everyone else go?" you finally bring up the question bothering you.

"to the lower districts. i heard some are hoping to reach the port so they'll get the chance to sail to aurora or dune, now that the royal family is in a crisis, people don't care anymore. but as you already know, we have limited ships and boats and it's going to be a bloodbath all around."

he goes on, "we only found out the king was dead when people from the first district started migrating, and then everyone in the second started panicking, and i honestly did too initially. i was about to start heading down until i remembered you."

you smile and nudge the boy with your elbow affectionately.

"if not for you, i probably would've turned into a corpse by tomorrow."

"pfft," he scoffs, "not a corpse but a captive maybe. their target is still the royal family, and now that the king is dead, they'll most likely go after the prince. the raid is just to scare people off so they can bask in the lavish that the first and second district has to offer. but still, it's better to be safe than sorry. they did killed the king, after all."

you take in the information, asking one last question.

"and where is hongjoong?"

"he was also in the second district at the time, but after lending me the map and instructions, he said he's gonna go up in order to get more details; hopefully talk to the prince and will report back in a few days."

"do you think he's going to be okay?"

jongho nods and stands up from the log, reaching his hand out to help you.

"he should be. he wouldn't be able to survive for this long if he isn't competent. but we should get going or else the trip will be delayed."

the hideout is a small shack in the corner of the wood, blending into the surroundings so perfectly, you and jongho almost missed it.

it's essentially a square with a single wooden bed, one chair, and a small table with an ewer sitting on top. jongho said the water in there should still be good to use, and that he brought enough breads to survive on for a few days.

"i can take the floor," he says, taking off the crossbow and sword that's been stuck to his body for an entire night and settling them down.

"we can take turns," you offer an alternative, pitying the boy because he's the one who's been doing most of the works.

"alright."

he nods it off. he wasn't gonna fight you on it.

you and jongho passes time by training for the majority of time. sometimes, you'd just watch, but when he isn't worn out by his own routine, he'd tell you the basics of a crossbow and a knightly sword and would proceed to watch you practice with the dagger.

"you're holding it like a coward who's never fought in their life," is his usual criticism.

"well maybe cause i am a coward who has never fought before," you will retort.

"when facing an enemy, you can't show that you're afraid. you have to believe in yourself."

"easy for you to say."

but regardless of his yapping that sometimes make you roll your eyes all the way to the back of your head, he's a good teacher and even complimented you. if saying that you're a lot less awful than when you started, counts.

three days later from when you both settled, the light, passive knock at the door alerts you and jongho, you almost wishing it was one of the outlaws, preferably a weaker member just so you can put what you've learned to use.

but it's hongjoong.

"so what did the prince say?" jongho asks, quick and eager.

"he's recruiting. said he'll take in anyone still willing to stand by his side while he figure things out. he needs time."

"what about the guards and men that were in the castle? isn't it their duty to protect the royal family?"

"more than half of them ran to the lower districts. the outlaws probably won't do much to a normal citizen, but they will be vile to anyone on the prince's side."

"and he didn't try to stop them?" you join, hongjoong turning his head to you and shaking.

"he said he wasn't gonna force anyone who didn't want to stay. but for those willing to fight by his side, he'll take them."

you don't mean to come off hypercritical, but you can't help but think that the prince is being careless.

"but the outlaws want him dead, no? he shouldn't be taking in just anybody. that's too dangerous."

hongjoong just shrugs.

"that was his order."

a silence hangs between the three of you after, and one glance at jongho, you see that conflicted look in his eyes and know that he's about to say something you won't like.

"i'll go."

you snap your neck to him so fast, there must've been a pop.

"what--jongho, no," you object, worry in your tone. hongjoong just standing by and watching the incoming dispute unfold.

"it's better than standing around and waiting for something to happen."

"but putting your life on the line? for all you know, there might not even be a solution at all. look at the state of the kingdom. people are running away, everyone fearing for their own safety. in the end, you could be dying for nothing. did you forget it's because of these people that us born in the lower districts have to live a shit life?"

by now, you're both facing each other and fuming through your noses.

"and did you forget that we haven't been to the lower districts in years? ever since we got the opportunity to move into one of the top two? even if we were just servants, we were living better than a normal family in the fifth district. i was guarding and blocking off an entrance because i was so much better than the people trying to get through. you think i enjoyed doing that shit? no. but it was my job. in some ways, we betrayed our roots, y/n. and you're right. the prince could be lying and stalling out of his ass, but you know... i'm hoping that he's not. because for once, i want to feel like i'm doing something worthy. i didn't train all my life just to guard gates where nothing ever fucking happens nine out of ten times."

you watch in disbelief as he turns to pick up his crossbow and sword.

"so whether you like it or not, i'm going."

he gives hongjoong a stern look, to which the older man returns one, but is soon carried away by your voice again.

"then i'm going with you."

and jongho knows he's going to sound like a hypocrite; the fact he cares for you as much as you care for him so he doesn't want you to put yourself in the face of danger.

he also understands that you share the same sentiment in regard to him, which is why you don't want him to go.

"no. it's safest for you to stay here. you don't have the same training and combat that i do. you can barely hold a dagger the right way and it's one of the most light and basic weapon. those outlaws will pummel you like a bug."

you roll your eyes and you can see hongjoong trying to hold in his laughter.

"well geez, thanks, master. but boohoo. all i know is that i need to stab," you snark, managing to pull a small smile from jongho before switching tone. "i'm serious, though. i know i'm not gonna be pounding anyone, but i'd still like to come with. it would put a lot of my worries to rest knowing you're alive and okay."

"i'll be fine, y/n," he assures, one hand on your shoulder, "and if it'll make you feel better, if hongjoong doesn't mind, he can come once in a while to inform you of what's going on."

you meet hongjoong's gaze at that and he nods with a thin smile.

but that's still not good enough for you because how can you possibly be okay with the only person you can call family, going off and risking his life?

you're not.

which is why when they both finally depart, you wait until they're a good distance away yet still visible to the eye, tying the sheath the way jongho did and sticking your dagger in before taking the costrel he left for you along with the remaining breads and following right behind them.

hongjoong used to travel on horseback but he has to be more discreet this time around, especially going up the higher districts.

you're somewhat thankful for that because you're not sure you can keep up if that was the case.

you stop when they stop, and rest when they rest. you would try listening in on their conversations but it's always inaudible from where you're at.

you put aside the pain of an aching feet or fear of the nightly forest, afraid you would give yourself out.

two days later, you're sure you guys are close. a part of you somewhat curiously pumped because you've never wander up the first district before.

with the sun setting and the stars soon to come out, you're hoping to arrive before it gets too dark because you really are dreading the idea of spending another night hidden behind itchy bushes.

dragging yourself up the steep hill, you can't help but to admire the scenery, the air of utopia still fresh and the birds still chirp like the nation is whole, resuming your steps only to see that you've lost sighting of jongho and hongjoong, and if you're any quicker, they will catch on.

you don't panic just yet, although you're getting nervous, but carrying on because the castle shouldn't be too far from here. as soon as you can spot it, it should be easy to trace it back to the two.

the only problem is how you're gonna get in once you reach it.

as you get closer to the top, you can spot the castle's head peaking, and once finally on flat land, you're able to see the entire thing, and the dazzling white architecture is hard to miss.

the heart and soul of utopia planted right in the center of the first district, and you've never seen anything more sophisticated in your entire life. but as you sneak closer, you're sure that you're not even gonna make it past the portcullis.

if you don't find jongho, you'd be coming all this way for nothing.

you've been watching the guards at the gate and their patterns of behavior for the last hour, every time inching closer to the entrance with the least amount of noise as possible.

but you should've known. you've overestimated your ability (by a large margin) thinking you can outsmart people who does this for a living, and of all places, it had to be royal family's. stupid.

you barely take a step when the pressure of a sharp object against your back make your eyes go wide in horror.

you're thinking this is it. you should've listened to jongho and should have not acted like such a know-it-all, because the next time he sees you, it will be in corspe form.

the beating of your heart is loud along with the stranger's breathing, their hand going retrieve your dagger from the sheath, and if they attack, you will have no other way to defend yourself.

"who the hell are you and why are you sneaking around my castle?" the deep, masculine tone drowns your ears.

my castle?

you foolishly turn around like an idiot, feeling the pressure of the object move to your neck instead, looking up at this mysterious stranger but unable to make anything out.

the running of footsteps and commotion can be heard from behind you, a series of voices and better lighting approaching with all the torches in the guards hands, and when you're finally able to make out the pair of eyes staring back, it feels as if you forgot how to breathe.

because if it isn't the most beautiful man you've ever seen, dark locks, sly and sharp eyes to that of a fox that looks disapproving of your choices before it turns slightly softer when he sees how harmless you actually look, the weapon in his hand lowering with a clear of his throat.

"what part of 'it's safest if you stay here' did you not understand?"

jongho's loud and frustrated voice echoes through the entire hall, pacing back and forth in place as he reprimands you in front of hongjoong, the prince, and his other royal companions.

the prince (who you have to make a point one more time that he's devastingly beautiful) was unexpectedly casual when you explained to him you were looking for your friends, even returning your dagger.

"i only came because i was worried about you. i know you would do the same for me."

"yes, but something could've happened to you. you could've gotten lost, or worse."

"as you can see, i'm fine. the most life threatening thing was the prince putting a knife to my back and neck."

"because you were limping around the castle like an idiot."

"well, what was he doing outside of it anyways?"

"why are you talking about the prince like that!" he yells, and the both of you having an awakening at the same time, registers how embarrassing and inappropriate it actually is to be having a screaming match in the royal family's hall, turns to the prince and bow in apology.

"sorry," you both mutter.

"it's fine," the prince dismisses.

when you were still living at the orphanage, some of the kids would often play guessing games about the prince just because the chances of ever meeting him were close to none, everyone might as well get creative.

some assumed he's a snob because kids being kids, they were all jealous of the fact he was living better, and so it's only natural he would think he's better than everyone else.

then some thought he looked like a troll, which was why the king and queen kept him inside most of the time.

none of you guys knew a lot about the prince, but there were words on the street that he almost never went out of the castle; some even using that as confirmation for why he's a stuck-up.

but after meeting him, he's nothing like the kids have predicted.

he definitely does not look like a troll or sound like a snob, at least so far. he's actually rather soft-spoken, though a bit aloof and stoic. but you suppose one isn't gonna be jolly after the death of their father.

jongho had insisted that you go back immediately, and you were considerate of the castle's deities enough to pull him outside just to object.

but you only got another line in the quarrel before the prince intervened and much to jongho's dismay, said you could stay for the night since it was getting late and traveling would be difficult.

"but you're leaving as soon as the sun comes up!" he proceeds to nag the entire time you tuck yourself to bed, the prince kindly offering a spare chamber for you to stay in.

"yes. i know," you reply, all snarky tone and turning to face the other way because he's getting on your nerves.

there's a quick silence before the edge of the bed creaks with his weight.

"look, i know you only came because you were worried about me, and you're right, i would do the same for you."

you toss slowly to look him up in the eyes from your position.

he goes on, now locking you in his gaze, "but it's way too dangerous for you to stay here, and we don't know when they're going to attack. and worse, if they see you're in alliance with the prince, who knows what they'll do? i'll be fine. this is what i've trained my whole life for. you just have to believe in me."

you sigh and frown, finally deciding to cave because you do know that jongho is capable. you've never doubted him. it's the opponents that you're unsure of, their next moves could be anything.

"i'll go back, but hongjoong still needs to follow the end of the deal."

jongho smiles warmly, relieved you're no longer trying to fight him on this.

"he'd be happy to."

you nod, figuring that since you're already here, you might as well ask.

"so how many men volunteered?"

"for now, three. me, someone named yunho from the third district, and another guy named minjun. but more might wind up later, who knows."

"i still don't think it's smart of the prince to be taking in just anyone. it's way too risky. you have good intentions, but what about the two other?" you voice concernedly, your forehead starting to crease from the distress.

you just met the prince, but you know that the idea is ridiculous and you don't want him meeting the same fate as his father.

"optimism maybe? i don't know. more than half of the royal family's protections are gone so he probably can't be too picky. but i'd like to think he knows what he's doing."

but he's also still young and is currently in a worse position than his father, the king, who couldn't even save utopia. you don't think anybody is ready to be in his place, let alone lead an entire kingdom that's falling apart.

"alright. then you should return to the others; help them look after the prince. he's going to need it."

"actually, he ordered us to stay with the queen and princess."

you shoot up from position, incredulity written all over your face.

"what--why? all of you guys? then who's going to look after him?"

jongho shrugs.

"i disagree as well, but after all, he's the prince. we can't disobey orders."

"you guys should be allowed to if it's foolish. what is going on in his head?" you shake your own, unable to believe it.

you just know that something bad is gonna happen, and it would be due to the prince's own incompetence.

jongho has no idea either given he only just met him as well, but he's crossing his fingers the prince will prove both of you wrong.

"i have to go. you should get some rest because you'll be leaving in the early morning. i'll see you then."

you're woken up by a heavy disturbance, the ruckus happening outside of the room but also sounding so close.

it might be best if you stay here; leave whatever the noises is to the guards in the castle, but you just feel it in your guts that your prediction have came true.

carefully opening the door, you peek your head out, immediately drawn to the bright light illuminating at the end of the hall, and soon, your quick and eager feet has taken you to the shocking sight.

the prince standing before jongho and another guard as they hold back someone you can't quite recall. one of his hand tending to the cut on his left arm, and you can see the red seeping through the thin white fabric.

the prince meets your eyes when he notices you standing outside.

"i knew it!" you screech, your turn to pace back and forth as jongho watches from the side. "he shouldn't have just taken in anyone!"

you found out it was minjun, one of threes who volunteered along with jongho, who attacked the prince. apparently, he had snuck away from the other guards and was in the prince's room within minutes, a sword aimed at the young royal that could've taken his life.

"luckily, he only got off with a cut. i can't even imagine what would've happened."

jongho groans anxiously, the first day on the job and the reality of it already showing its head.

"there's nothing luck-based about the prince's survival," hongjoong's voice has you both turning as he appears from the opened door.

"prince san isn't only highly skilled in all areas of fighting, but he's the best warrior utopia has to offer. he most likely knew about the attack beforehand, which was why he only got away with a cut considering minjun also isn't just an average member of the outlaws," hongjoong reveals, the new information makes you and jongho gawk at each other in surprise.

"y/n," he calls out, and you detach from jongho's eyes to look at him.

"yes?"

"i need you to do me a favor. i trust you enough, and you look rather... harmless."

you pinch in your brows. if he wants to go off about your terrible fighting and self defense skill, he might as well just spell it out.

"the prince said he has a plan, but we're going to need to buy time. and no matter how skilled he is, we can't keep dealing with people coming into the castle in attempts to severe the prince's head. it's best if he's away until we can figure things out, for his safety and the kingdom's."

you only hum and nod, wondering where exactly this is going.

"he'll be leaving with you in the morning."

your face falls in horror, unable to believe they're entrusting the prince to you. the thoughts of being alone with someone like him both terrifying but weirdly stimulating.

"oh my gosh, she's blushing..." jongho yelps, a smirk tugging at his lips. he's seen the way you'd ogle at the prince, definitely something you never did to any other men.

"i'm not!" you cry defensively, embarrassed. "i-i just don't think i'm the right person."

"we just need the prince away from the castle for a few days. for now, it look like the outlaws are not planning on moving up the first district entirely, so the rest of us should be safe as well for the time being. you still remember the way back to the shack, right?"

you nod hesitantly.

"good. then it's settled."

the following morning, everyone bids farewell to the prince, the queen and princess wishing him well as the guards and hongjoong stack him with equipments, while jongho makes you carry the food and water.

he takes off the royal attire, disguising himself in commoner clothings instead, as recommended by his companion, wooyoung.

hongjoong promises to report back once things get relatively better.

at first, it's nerve-racking because you just can't help it. the prince is so handsome and your touch-starved body just reacts naturally, but once you figure he isn't gonna talk to you, only gesturing or murmuring out short instructions, the spark wears off.

"we should stop and rest for the night," he speaks more than three words for the first time, laying down his stuff and nodding to the tall tree.

"alright."

you settle your things down as well, plopping against the tree and waiting for him to do the same but he instead pulls out the sword and starts slashing the air.

when he takes notice of your gawking from behind, he apologizes.

"sorry, i'm just... practicing, hope you don't mind. you can rest, i'll keep watch."

you nod it off, sleep soon taking over, but when you wake a few hours later, able to tell from the different color painting the sky, the prince is still practicing and seems just as eager as he was before.

"prince," you call out, his movements halting in place as he turns back at the sound of your voice.

"call me san."

you clear your throat, "uh... san, have you slept at all?"

he shakes his head.

"i was practicing."

you stand up, dusting off the dirts from your pants and growing concerned regarding the sleepless prince.

"you can sleep. i'll keep watch and if there's anything, i'll wake you up," you offer, but he's quick to reject the proposal.

"no need to. i'm not tired anyways. if you're feeling fully rested, we can keep going. the sun is almost up."

you watch in dejection as he goes to retrieve his things because you're not sure you can believe he's not even the tiniest bit tired from everything so far.

it takes almost an entire day to reach the destination, your body tired and aching for something to sit on, the minute you reach the shack, you're sprawled all over the chair.

the prince looks just fine, though.

"it's small, but comfortable," you assure the prince just in case he has any doubts in mind. because you initially did, too, but it was surprisingly homey when you last stayed with jongho.

he nods, eyes roaming the small interior.

"it'll do."

"you can take the bed. i don't mind taking the floor," you tell him, but he instead shakes his head.

"the bed's all yours. i'll be outside practicing."

you scowl and sit up from your seat.

"again? we've been traveling all day. you should really get some rest considering you didn't get any the night before."

but he's stubborn, grabbing for his sword again as you can only sigh in disapproval.

"i really don't feel tired."

"then you should eat, at least."

"i'm not hungry."

you end up going to bed alone, only listening to the prince's grunting and slashing outside as he practices like he's trying to reach out to something or someone.

the uneasiness consuming you, seeing him always looking so miserable as if something's bothering him, unable to rest or do anything else.

it's understandable because of the circumstances he's in, but you wish he would be kinder to himself.

you only give him another two hours before taking matters into your own hand, flinging the door open to his figure dancing around the area with his sword, calling his name softly that makes him stop in track to look at you.

"enough," you mumble, quiet but stern, prying the weapon out of his hold with so much power, you think jongho would be proud.

"no, i have to pr--" he reaches for the sword but you move back, the prince grabbing only the nightly air in place.

"no, you don't," you spit, your free hand going to grab his wrist and dragging him back inside. "you need to eat and rest."

the sword clinks the flooring when you drop it, sitting san down on the bed and grabbing some of the breads and dried meat before taking the seat next to him.

"i understand you're going through a lot right now and it's tough, but you need to take care of yourself. you can't wear your body out or punish it. you're not even fully healed from the cut. if something happens, if worst comes to worst, you need to be prepared to fight."

you push the food toward him but he doesn't budge the slightest. his eyes trained on it, but everything else completely frozen.

for a second, you think all the efforts is gonna go to waste because the prince won't listen, but much to your surprise, he starts talking.

"my father and everyone around me would always say i was the best fighter in the entire kingdom; that i was one of a kind, gifted from a young age, and the future of utopia. i used to believe that as well, but what kind of prick can't even save his own father?"

a small gasp fall, fussing under your breath, "san..."

"maybe i'm only as great because i had the access and materials to become great. but in actuality, i would be no more than average in any other scenarios."

"san, you are great. hongjoong said you are, and you even fought off minjun. it's not your fault what happened to your father," determination in your delivery, finding yourself oddly caring for someone you barely knew.

"father did always lived every day as if it was his last. he knew everyone was out to get him..." he fidgets with one of the breads before taking a small bite out of it. "i thought it would make me feel better if i caught his killer, but i really don't feel any different."

"so hongjoong was right. you knew about the attack?"

you watch as he ogles at the piece of bread like it's the most interesting thing in the world, noddling lightly and taking another bite.

"somewhat, yeah. i was the one who found my father's body, and you can imagine… it's not easy for any kid to see their own parent blue in the face, lying lifeless in front of them, and especially knowing their murderer got away. it made me vengeful, but i couldn't act recklessly. i had to set up a bait because i didn't know who it was, but i knew they were coming."

you listen to each of his words so attentively, and you make sure he knows.

"it could've been your friend, jongho, or the others that came along. it could be anyone. it could be all of them. but regardless, whoever it was wanted me dead just like my father and wouldn't have passed up the chance."

you exhale, looking at the prince with sympathy and sadness in your eyes, all this time you really gave him too little credits, one of your hand somehow finding itself on top his resting one and soothing it.

"i can't do much, but i'm here to listen. if we're going to be together for a while, we might as well have each other's back."

and when san finishes his food and actually goes to sleep for the rest of the night (although you did have to fight him about sleeping on the floor), you finally feel at ease, able to go to sleep knowing he's not pushing himself.

san is the first thing you see upon waking up, his figure bending down a couple feet away and drinking out of the costrel.

he knows you're up from the movements, turning to meet your tired eyes.

"good morning."

"good morning, san."

"you should eat first. i left some out for you."

"oh, okay."

you nod politely, throwing the blanket off and getting up from the makeshift bed, but first telling him that you're gonna go wash your face.

"i checked the ewer. there's no more water in there."

"hmm," you hum, attempting to come up with a solution. "i'm gonna go down to the river. i'll be back in a bit."

"wait." his call stops you in track, half your body out the door. "i'd like to come with."

"is that okay? i mean... will that be safe?" because now that the prince is with you, you feel it is your responsibility to keep him out of danger no matter how unskillful you are. you don't want a single sighting putting his life on the line (more than it already is).

"we'll make it quick. besides, i need to wash up as well. i don't feel too clean from all those practices."

the river is actually quite close by, having never been there during your stay in this district but following the sound of nature was relatively easy to do. and you suppose hongjoong chose the spot for this reason.

once there, you're splashing your face immediately and rejoicing in the cool sensation, only just registering san's been watching you the entire time when you turn and meet his piercing gaze.

his expression blank before dropping to a smile at your wide-eye. and the first time that he does, you realize you've never seen him smile, ever. your attention taken away by the deep indentations appearing from his cheeks, and for just a second, your heart feels like it might explode.

but it's his turn with the river, you observing as he mimics you until both your faces are wet and raining with droplets.

"here," you say, pulling out the spare handkerchief you had remember to bring before coming, offering it to him then using the other one for yourself.

he thanks you, about to wipe his face when the striking design catches his eye.

"this is beautiful," he comments, your head snapping his direction. "did you make it yourself?"

you nod shyly.

"i picked up embroidery somewhere after sewing for a while."

the conversation continues on the walk back, san asking the questions because he just grasped the revelation he doesn't know anything about you.

aside from trying to sneak into his castle and being the friend of one of his guards, that's as much as he can recall off the top of his head although you're quite literally in a life or death situation with him.

"you said you picked up embroidery, so are you from the second district?"

san knows almost everyone who lived in the first district, having spent his entire life and becoming familiar with the surrounding neighbors.

during the occasional balls and parties, he'd get acquainted with some from the second districts. but he's never seen you before. if he did, he would probably be able to recognize you.

but he knows that a hobby and skill like embroidery was something only those in the top two could afford. it was a luxury, as much as san hates putting it like that.

you giggle at the thought and shake your head.

"i was a servant for a family from the second, but i'm originally from the fifth. i picked up embroidery because the daughter of the family was pressured into learning and i was there to help sometimes."

"oh..." is all he says.

maybe he expected you to have some noble blood or be from greatness, but the only thing close to the two were the shoes you shined and the people you served.

your entire life, nothing about you was ever great or noble.

you may have ran from the lower district for a better life, but you were never ashamed of where you came from.

it made you who you are, and if anything, you're a survivor.

"yeah..." you mumble, stopping once reaching the shack again.

he picks it up from your tone, correcting himself to make sure you don't misunderstand, "no. i didn't mean it like that. i'm just, curious about you and your background."

"oh?" you squeak, "then what do you want to know, prince."

you take a seat where he was sitting before, reaching for the food he left for you and looking up at him from where you are, wondering what kind of prince would want to know about a commoner like you.

"an iris," he refers to the pattern embroidered on the handkerchief, "was there a reason why you chose it?"

you smile softly, the question taking you back to a lane of memories and nostalgia.

"it was both of my parents' favorite flower. they always did clung onto any sort of hope there was when it came to our living conditions, and father would always used to say the iris not only symbolized that, but also courage and bravery. i don't know how true that is, but i tend to associate the flower with my parents. it was all i managed to take when me and jongho ran from the second district."

"that's sweet," the prince says, making your eyelashes bat as he plops down at the end of the makeshift bed but he never once look away from you. "and where are your parents?"

the death of your parents was once something that was difficult to talk about; a reality that you used to deny because you couldn't accept that they're no longer by your side and sharing the same struggles. because you guys did suffered a lot, but you all had each other.

and suddenly, you only had yourself.

it wasn't until jongho that you started to open up again; learn to let someone into your heart; to share the same struggles and to suffer all over again, but at least with someone by your side once more.

and it's with that lesson that you allow the prince in as well, unveiling some parts of yourself, for some reason feeling like you can entrust it to him.

"they passed away. the fishermen said the sea took them. it's been a long time and i've come to terms with it."

you don't miss the way his chest fall and a sullen look takes over his expression.

"i'm sorry to hear."

his life experiences and pain could never compare to anyone from the lower districts, he understands that all too well; how good and privileged he's had it.

but grief doesn't discriminate, and the feeling is... debilitating.

it makes you go into denial, nothing but a directionless road laying ahead, unable to help but think if you ever will recover.

but he feels a little better after talking to you, a living proof that no matter the loss or grief one goes through, there's a chance he will make it out fine in the end.

you're about to go off to bed when you suddenly remember what hongjoong had told you.

"prince," you call from below, the title just naturally rolling off despite the plenty of time he's made clear you can call him by his name.

"we have to change the dressing on your wound."

you get up to go search through one of the heavy bags, digging for some clean linens and vinegar the others had made sure to pack for the prince.

"hongjoong said we should change it every couple of days," you tell him, sitting at the edge of the bed while he stands up from the sleeping position. "your arm, prince." you gesture and watch as he rolls up his sleeve.

your cheeks for some reason start heating up at the sight, the blinking and nervous twitch of your eyes give it away, causing a giggle to tumble out of the prince at your flustered reaction.

"y/n," he speaks, once you've stared for long enough and still have yet to remove the old cloth. "that's what jongho and hongjoong calls you by."

"y-yes." you nod.

"have you ever tend to a wound before?"

"well, no. but i've been instructed on how to."

"i see." he smiles, and you're about to crack at the man in front of you. beautiful smile, perfect features, and some muscular arms to go along with it.

once you've contained yourself (or at least look like it), you unwrap the worn cut-out cloth and replaces it with a new one, every steps of what hongjoong had laid out followed to the very best of your ability.

"thank you, y/n," the prince says one more time, and the last smile on him for the night makes you think he just might be teasing you.

the past few days that you've spent with the prince, he's proven your expectations and predictions wrong over and over again.

almost like everything you've assumed is untrue in the best way possible. his aloof and stoic ways melting into smiles and laughters when you'd tell him stories about the kids back at the orphanage and how they thought he was a troll.

spending days and nights confined to a small space with someone you just met, the idea sounding awful but the reality actually quite nice because it's comfortable with him.

he not only speaks well, his words always the most soft and unoffending as they can be, but he also listens well.

day by day, the doubts you had--whether he would be able to salvage utopia, changes to the hope and belief that he's more than competent to pull it off.

but there's still questions bothering you; the strangeness of the entire picture in how utopia managed to fall to a state this bad in the first place if the prince is as level-headed as he presents himself.

he at least should've been talking sense into the king.

so you finally ask, during a routine morning where you and san have gotten accustomed to waking up the crack of dawn, sitting facing each other and munching away on portions of food that becomes less the more days pass by.

"san," you start, his name now more comfortable on your lips. it makes him pick his up head from the food to you.

"hongjoong said you have a plan, right? the reason they sent you here was to buy time. i-i was just wondering where does it go from here?" you try your utmost best to not sound meddlesome.

you're just worried.

because as much as you enjoy the time together, the unknown makes you uneasy. you don't want to doubt him but you also don't want everything so far to be for nothing.

it's the prince's personal affairs and not yours, but you just wish for there to be assurances; some kind of proof that speaks he knows what he's doing, because the closer you get to him, the more you fear losing him.

"i have a plan, yes," he answers, the calm demeanor on him a complete contrast to the troubled one on you. "why? are you worried?"

you breathe out, eventually nodding timidly.

"it's just that the state of the kingdom right now is really bad and it's going to take a lot to please the citizens, especially the group of rebellions. the idea of peace just seems so... unreachable."

you already sound like you're about to break down, when the prince--the one actually having to deal with it, looks the most calm and collective.

he acknowledges the concern, thinking it's fairly reasonable. actually, he's surprise everyone's been able to restrain themselves from spiraling for this long.

if he was someone else, he don't think he'll be able to put his trust into an inexperienced prince in hope of him saving the entire nation as well.

"the people of utopia isn't aware, but about a decade ago, the king of aurora, the closest neighboring kingdom to us had offered to help the nation after witnessing the terrible conditions most of the lower districts were suffering from," san reveals, "but my father... he denied the help."

you squeeze your brows in disbelief.

"what--why?"

"the king of aurora only requested for utopia's protections and services in return. as you know, we may lack in every other aspects, but armed forces is our strength. almost every men in the nation has some kind of experience when it comes to fighting or self defense. aurora is a peaceful and harmonious nation, but their men do not have the same training, combats, or skills that we do, and the king of aurora acknowledged the fact. though aurora was very unlikely to get into an altercation with another nation, the king said he would feel a lot better with utopia behind them."

"my father didn't see a point in tying ourselves down, binding an 'unnecessary' responsibility to our back. he said our ancestors' done it for hundreds of years without help and it will continue to be that way. ever since then, aurora has shunned us. they're not gonna start a war over it, but in other words: they hate our guts."

there's a pause from the prince, something shifting in his eyes before he starts again.

"i love and cherish my father. he is my father after all, and most of everything i've been taught were from him. i also understand that some of the things he did were for my mother, me, and my sister. but i wouldn't ever tell him i also think he's selfish; that i disagree with his view of the world; with his way of running things."

the pain in the prince's voice and delivery is seeping, your heart curling at the amount of hurt he must keep to himself, but if you can be the one to lessen it just a little, you will listen to his every words.

"but still, he's my father and i miss him. no matter how selfish and unreasonable he was most of the times, i promise that after everything is over, i will hold a proper burial for him. i will also repay everyone that stood by my side... i promise that."

his volume tapers near the end, his gaze melting into yours at the last statement.

"i also promised i will correct the mistakes of those who came before me, and if it takes my life, at least i'll be content that i went down with my morals. that i fought for what i believed in, even if the ancestors come back to tear me to shreds for it."

you chuckle, attempting to hold back just the smallest tear pricking the corner of your eye because all you ever did was doubt and doubt, and every single time, he always proved you wrong in the best way possible.

"so you're going to attempt to make a truce with aurora?"

he nods.

"i have to try. if we want equality for everyone, we can't do it without the help of aurora. if we do it now, without aide, the nation will fall apart no different than it is now. no amount of transports based on utopia alone will be enough. but aurora's economy; the standing of their nation is stable enough that helping utopia back on its feet will barely feel like a lift of a finger to them."

"but how would the message reach them?"

"on the day that i got attacked, i sent out one of my men, seonghwa. he knows the way around the sea best. by now, considering it's almost been a week, he should have already reached aurora, but it will take another couple of days to return. that's why i need to buy enough time for seonghwa to come back. i know the citizens won't believe it until they see the king and prince yeosang of aurora for themselves."

"and just what if the king and prince rejects the offer?" you're just trying to touch upon all possibilities.

"you see... i've thought of that as well. in fact, there's probably a bigger chance of them dismissing it considering our history and all. but if that was the case, i had already told seonghwa to head for dune next. it will take him at least another week and a half because of the distance, but if worst come to worst, that's our last hope. dune would be a lot harder to get on our side because they're not lacking in anything, their only weakness is they don't have any kind of alliance. and i was hoping after we sign a treaty with aurora, we could try for dune because they'd be more willing then, knowing we also have aurora, but that's only wishful thinking."

"you really thought everything through, huh?" you have to admit, you're impressed.

"you have no idea. every night after my father's passing, i barely got any sleep... until you finally enforced it upon me."

you giggle, meeting a soft smile on the prince's lips.

"well you need it. and seeing as intricate the plan of action is, you're going to need it even more. don't overwork your body, get plenty of rest in preparation of the big day. i believe you'll be able to do it."

there's a quick silence in the air before the prince speaks again.

"thank you... for believing in me, and keeping me sane of all things."

"my pleasure."

"but if hongjoong doesn't show within a few days, or does with the bearer of the bad news, we'd have to be prepared for relocation. they will pick up that i'm not in the castle and will try looking for me. if dune is the alternative, we're going to have to buy even more time."

"here," san says, coming from behind to stand in front of you, pulling out his own.

after observing one of his practices, he had asked how familiar you are with daggers since he recalled ripping it out of your sheath that day.

you said all understanding you have of it were from jongho, though he liked to find fault in your execution, and after a couple demonstrations, the prince seems to agree that there's a few areas you could improve on.

"a dagger is a short distance combat. some of the most basic requirements in becoming somewhat skilled at is, is trying to master the three primary positions."

you watch him get into stance.

"the first one is a downward thrust, usually used for an opponent who's not experienced in knife combat."

he acts out the method, thrusting his weapon into the air and turning to you.

"you try."

you attempt to mimic what he just did, the weapon a lot light and easier on your grip because the training from jongho did pay off in some ways.

"not bad," he comments, "just more confidence, and don't be afraid. because trust, when the enemy is coming, they won't hold back."

he tightens your grip on the dagger before stepping away.

"this certain method can also be used when an opponent is equipped with another melee weapon, or a firearm."

you nod, his encouragement and gentle teaching style as he tries reframing from straight up saying you stink in some ways or forms, is definitely preferred.

"got it! you are a much better teacher than jongho by a mile. you're actually nice to me," you joke, and the most flattered smile acrossing san's lips doesn't go unseen.

you wouldn't ever say it out loud, not to the prince at least.

that though leaving the place and each other's presence will be for a good cause, in some parts of you, you're already starting to dread the separation.

the parts that already grew fond of him in such a short matter of time, you fear there will never be another chance like this. together.

after everything is over, things will go back to the way it was.

he is a prince after all, and you're just... you.

"so, prince, what is the best defense weapon. figure i should ask from only the most competent person in utopia," you talk from your seat, staring up at him as he preps for another hour of practice.

he promised it'll be only an hour today.

"pfft," he blows, "don't say it like that. you might end up unimpressed."

"i mean it."

"you haven't even seen me on the battlefield."

"but i believe in you."

you hop out of your seat to him, tilting your head, "so?"

"i would say a spear. distance is honestly the best defense there is, though i do enjoy practicing with a sword more."

and that's when it happens. all the long days and nights of peace and harmony comes crashing down, from the corner of your eye catching a cloaked figure from far away standing on top one of the hills with a crossbow in their possession.

"prince!" you cry out, pushing his body away from target the hardest ever as he falls to the ground, and then a short second after, the most painful sensation of your chest being struck takes your vision and breath away.

the last thing you see and hear before fading into utter blackness is the sheer horror on the prince's face as his hands are covered with blood, and the desperate call of your name.

"y/n!"

the sound of jongho's voice makes you think you're in a dream, only until your lids are fluttering open that you see the both, scared but relieved expression of your best friend.

"oh my gosh... thank goodness you're alive."

by how tight he's squeezing your hands, you're glad to know you're not dead just yet.

"where am i?" you ask, your voice barely a whisper.

"back at the castle. you were out for about four days."

"four days?" you repeat, when the memories come flooding back all at once and then some. "the prince."

you attempt to sit up but the dull pain from where you've been hit prevents you, your head falling back into the pillow.

"easy," jongho soothes your body back into position, "you lost a lot of blood, and not only that, the arrow had been poisoned. luckily, the castle has shelves of antidotes for it, but we were all worried that there was just the smallest chance you weren't gonna make it."

he pauses briefly, "the prince got you here in a day and a half... he felt really bad about what happened. he was by your side the entire time and only just left yesterday night when it was announced the king and prince of aurora have arrived."

"aurora have agreed to a truce?" your tone weak, but still filled with excitement, so happy for the prince.

"yes. and hopefully the prince can get them to sign a treaty. that's the plan. it's still going to take them another two or three days to reach the first district, but the prince wanted to go welcome them formally."

"will he be okay?"

"he's under disguise. but you should get some rest and stop worrying about someone else when you're in a worse condition than them," jongho snarks.

"just making sure..."

a smirk graces your friend, a coy look on him.

"what exactly happened back there that's now making you two act like an old married couple forced to be apart? i've known you for longer than the prince and he looked like he was in more distress than i was."

"nothing that is your business," you dismiss, hoping your cheeks doesn't tint a color that gives it away, a chuckle rolling out of jongho at that.

"you used to want to tell me everything. but fair enough. rest and wait until your body is fully healed. i'll visit you every day to update."

it's hard to wrap your head around the fact you didn't wake up for four days--which, more so, should've been the highlight, but you're more intrigued that the prince was by your side up until the last minute he had to go.

you don't want to get overly giddy about it; go beyond what's appropriate and assume that he did so because of another reason, and not just because he felt bad.

but you do wish to see him soon. even if just for a bit.

the next few days is a routine, usually consisting of jongho welcoming you with a wholesome breakfast that's more fulfilling than breads and dried meats, then another meal at dinner.

you're in bed for most of the time, your view usually the ceiling of the castle or the empty space around you, everyone busy and occupied now that the plan is becoming a reality.

jongho tries his best to visit you every day, and hongjoong on the occasion to check your condition, but if they're not patrolling outside, they're in halls discussing the next course of actions.

you've heard that the prince have returned just last night with the royals of aurora, not a single peace or quiet outside of your room since.

you can only hope that the loud and muffled voices outside is an indication that everything is going to work out for the prince; for the kingdom of utopia.

laying around in bed all day, only watching as the sun comes up and down as the wind sways the branches outside the window, wishing you could contribute more, if anything than just wait around all day feeling absolutely useless.

the first creak of the door ever since morning is heard, jongho having told you he won't be able to bring the next meal as he'd be out with the other guards but said someone else would.

and every time, no matter how hard you try burying the inappropriate sentiment, you wish it was the prince, even if just to see him for a minute.

you haven't seen him since that day.

but still, you're grateful to have any interactions at all. even if it's not the prince.

"hey," hongjoong greets, a thin smile on as he goes to take a seat on the stool facing the bed.

"hey hongjoong," you return, finally able to sit up without feeling like your gut's about to spill out.

"you doing better?"

you nod.

"a lot better compared to before."

"good. thought i should drop by to let you know about what's going to happen the next couple of days," his voice a deeper, stern tone, "the prince and royals of aurora will be going down the districts, one by one. the prince wants to let everyone know of the upcoming changes and fix that he has in plan. me and jongho will be away, but yunho and the rest of the guards will stay in the castle with the queen, the princess, and you."

"and how long are you guys going to be gone?"

hongjoong shrugs. "really depends. it could be a week, it could be more than that. traveling down to the fifth and coming back up here is gonna be a while. but as quick as possible, i hope."

"okay..." you frown. "just, stay safe."

you care for their safety and wellbeings more than anything. all three people of whom you're most familiar with, going off and risking their lives again. you're going to feel a certain type of way about it.

but they're doing it for a good cause. for the nation. for everyone. and so you allow to put your heart at rest just a little bit.

"don't worry. aurora brought some protections as well, and if we can convince the second district now overrun by outlaws, the rest of them should be easy."

hongjoong leaves after some last words of encouragment, and him wishing you a fast healing process.

later that night, they all left for the lower districts as stated.

the castle grows increasingly quiet, all ruckus from before now dwindled down to almost nothing.

the guards are usually busy patrolling outside, even more now that the prince is out, and the only people that seems to actually be around are the queen and princess.

the princess is the one to bring your meals, and you feel awful about the fact when it should be the other way around.

but she is wonderful. soft-spoken, elegant in her manners, and always with a smile on her face although you know it's not easy for anyone, especially what she's going through.

she bears almost no resemblance to san, but there's still some tell-tale features, like their eyes. the same foxy and slanted characteristic trademark on both siblings that looks so mellow on the princess, but entirely menacing on the prince.

"your tea."

the soft call of her voice would get you up from bed immediately, scooting over to thank her as you two meet eyes.

once you start feeling a lot better, able to stand on your feet and support yourself fully, you stroll the garden with the princess as she reminisce about everything crossing both of your path.

"i, too, wanted to be trained in weapons and self defense, but father said it wasn't suitable for someone like me. he would always take me out to the garden instead, in hope i'd develop a liking for it just so he didn't have to deal with the persistence. and i did... i did blossomed a love for gardening."

you scowl at the revelation.

"well, that's not right."

"it's not, but it was my father's order. he was a stubborn man and didn't like to listen to anyone. i wish i could say i saw anything else for father's ending."

both the prince and princess seems to share a mutual feeling regarding the father figure. though they understand the deeply flawed king, it's hard and conflicting when it's your own father.

"brother taught me what he could, which wasn't always possible because father was always around. but san is a good person... despite the amount of pressure father put on him, i believe he would be a great king. better than father himself."

a smile cross your lips at the mention of san.

"i believe he would be a great king, too," you add. you know he will be, and you wish for nothing more than all his dreams to come true.

"brother san seems to have taken a great liking to you," the princess brings up, recalling the signs and body language of her younger brother when he was with you despite your sleeping state and lack of awareness.

an act of affection and fondness she has never seen the prince give anyone before. not even the noble daughters that would show for events.

"oh, no," you deny, shaking your head, but the way your stomach swoops at the statement is real.

"why not?" she tilts her head, a brow raising. "do you not like him?"

"no--i mean, i do. i like the prince as a friend, but anything more than that would be innappropriate, i think." your volume tapers and your eyes shy away from hers, but the soft giggle makes you snap back.

"love is a beautiful thing. you shouldn't run from it, no matter the class difference or adversities. i know my brother wouldn't."

she smiles and pat your shoulder, abruptly taking your hand and leading the way out of the garden.

"so tell me, did you know that the kingdom didn't used to be divided into districts?"

you hum from behind, "actually, i do. i read it in an old history book i found back at the orphanage."

the kingdom used to just be utopia as a whole. no divisions of anything or labels to anyone. but when the capital found out they could cheat the system and hog all resources and supplies by dividing up the nation, the district system was implemented.

and those who lived furthest from the capital suffered the worst due to change, which was why the fifth district, a once fine ground for fishermen and access to the sea, declined overtime due to the lack of available care.

"yes," she mumbles, letting go of your hand and turning around, your feet screeching with the sudden stop. "brother wishes to abolish the system, after mostly everything gets taken care of, of course. by then, none of this 'social class' would matter as much."

you know she means it from the good of her heart; soul just as kind as her brother, but it is not only the struggle of being a fifth district kid, but also the reality of being a no one as compared to a prince.

you get accustomed to the newer routine, waking up the crack of dawn to go help the princess prepare breakfast the best your healing body can. just the smallest, throbbing pinch still there when you sit up, but you're fine nonetheless.

the morning when the sun hasn't even shown its head yet, your body still tired and mind hazy, the opening of the door gets a silent groan out of you as you turn to the source expecting the princess to have something for you so early.

but the sight jolts you from sleep, and you know that it's him, even in the faintest lighting.

"good morning," his voice like velvet has you sitting up, your gaze trained on him the entire time he goes to take a seat at the stool.

"good morning, prince," you return, the smallest amount of joy hiding in your delivery because you really are so happy to see him again.

he went back to the princely attire coloured in white, and his hair a slicked back kind that makes him so handsome, although some strands are loose and slightly messy from the many days gone by.

"san," he corrects you, the sound of his actual name so much better when you say it.

"san," you repeat, a short giggle after that he joins along. "so you're back already. how did it go?"

your expression changing to stern that instant, if you stare at him any longer, you might just burn a hole from how serious you are.

"a lot better than i expected," he answers, a thin smile on as he scoots closer. "i really owe it to the king and prince of aurora. if they hadn't took pity in me, i don't know what else i would've done. but for some reason, they chose to believe in me, and i really am so grateful for that."

he must've been so scared but unwilling to show it. unwilling to give away the fear that the kingdom in his hand is so close to crumbling down by a mere inch, everything could fall apart just like that.

but he had to persist through the hardships and doubts; masking any weaknesses because it would scare away the people if he did. if the ruler of the kingdom itself barely has any faith in the situation.

you reach for his hand, the stronge urge to comfort him as the soft look on you melt into his.

"san, they believe in you because they can see that you're capable. and i believe as well, that you from now on, you will make utopia a better place for the people."

he thinks that you always have such a way with words; how they always make him feel so warm and at ease every time. it's never felt so easy with anyone before.

"y/n," he calls almost in a whisper, taking his hands out of your grasp to now enclose yours. "i apologize for not visiting you. but as soon as i returned and had cleared everyhing with the royals of aurora, i came to you immediately."

"no. it's okay. you have a duty as the prince of the nation, i totally understand. there's no need to apologize."

you can feel his grip on you getting tighter, his eyes a type of desperate but also affectionate.

"but still, you saved my life. you traded yours for mine. to me, you're just as important."

you're surprise by the confession, an array of butterflies dancing in the pit of your stomach and you can see the prince growing more tense, but nonetheless, he persists.

"before i go any further, can i ask you one question first?"

you nod at that. "go ahead."

"you and jongho..." he starts, only to thin out before trying again, "are you guys... dating? or, well, do you like him?"

he's nervous and if he wasn't holding you, he would probably start fidgeting to hide the fact.

"me and jongho?" you quirk an eyebrow, failing to hold back the snicker from the thought while the prince just stares dumbfoundedly.

"i love jongho, but he's more like family than anything. we've been through a lot together but i can't see him in that light."

you've given similar answers out a couple times, especially to the other servants who thought you both had a crush on each other.

the prince's chest drop in relief and you can't hide the amusement you get from it.

"what? you thought me and jongho had something?" you can't stop giggling.

"well, i just had to make sure," he says, a hint of embarrassed and shy that is incredibly cute.

he wouldn't tell you that the one time he actually decided to come in the midst of everything, jongho was already by your side and if you didn't look so happy, he wouldn't have went back because he could tell jongho is someone special to you.

"so?" you await what he has to say, the eagerness only making him more nervous.

the grip on you loosening up to a more softer but more intimate one, one of his thumb running over your hand before he speaks.

"i know this might be too sudden and we haven't known each other for long, but, if your heart isn't taken by anyone, i'd like to ask for a vow."

you just stare ahead and wait for him to finish the sentence, your heart beating exceptionally loud.

"i understand it's a bit abrupt, but... i-i've never felt this way with anybody else. there's something special when i'm you, and i'd like to ask for a vow; a promise that we'll reserve our hearts for each other."

he's so scared, willing to take the chance at first because he will regret it if he doesn't. but now, he's afraid he might've ruined whatever he had with you in the first place, retracting immediately when there's only silence from you.

"but it's not an obligation. you don't have to. i'm just--"

"--i would love to," you cut, watching the panic on his face dissipate that instant.

"really?"

"yes. i would love to," you assure once again, the thinnest smile crossing your lips that soon turns bigger when he returns one.

he's absolutely over the moon to know the feeling is mutual; that what he felt and got from the time together wasn't just because you were compelled to treat him equal to his title.

that something more came out of it.

"but..." you mumble, the smile fading when reality sets in again. "is this going to be okay? you're a prince, and i'm just... me."

"of course it's going to be okay. i don't care who or what you are," he comforts, delivery incredibly passionate, you can't fight it. "but more importantly, before you give me your words once and for all, i need to know if you'll be okay with the conditions first. you can be honest. i won't be upset because i would never try to hold you back regarding anything."

"i'm listening," you acknowledge.

"the citizens of utopia have decided to give me a chance. that chance is not only to salvage the nation, but to also prove to them that i'm capable of leading and won't repeat the same mistakes those who came before we did. i don't know how long it's going to take; specifically how many years. but i will crack down on any remaining harmful outlaw members, i will be traveling in and out of the kingdom a lot, and i will be working on making this nation a better place for everyone. that is something i promised to do, and i will do just that."

he takes a deep breath and start again, eyes on yours. "so if you don't want to wait, i won't hold it against you. if there's things or someone better out there waiting for you, you don't have to accept my proposal. but just if you do... if you're willing to wait for me, once the nation is in a stable state and i don't have to stress too much about being all over the place, i promise then, that i will ask for your hand in marriage."

the bold declaration does take you by surprise, hard to grasp that the prince of all people would want to marry you.

"i know it's a lot to take in," he says, "but you don't have to give me an answer now. whenever you're ready."

you shake your head.

"no--i mean, i would love to. no matter how long i have to wait, i think it'll be worth it. after all, the nation is your priority and the people needs you."

he's taken aback by how fast you made up your mind, but overjoy that you want it just as much as he does. he can't be any happier.

"you're sure you want to do this?" he asks again just to be sure, but crossing his fingers you don't just so happen to change your mind.

you nod earnestly.

"i'm sure. besides, i doubt any guy would ever be interested in me let alone want to get married."

he chuckles, a sound you can to listen all day.

"even if they are, they can't get you now. so i don't want to see any of them trying to woo you or something. and you can't give in because you already gave me your words."

it's your turn to laugh, the jealousy endearing on him.

"well how would i know you'll keep your words, too? what if i wait and wait until i'm a grandma with grey hair only for you to take it back? marry someone else instead and say you don't want me anymore?" you tease.

"tskk," he sneer, "that won't happen, because i would never promise anything i knew i couldn't do. so you don't have to worry."

a reassuring smile spreads across his lips as so does yours, seconds passing by when the silence consumes the room and the both of you just stare at each other, completely smitten.

you notice the slightly fallen strands covering his eyes, going to move it with your finger but your hand stopping at his cheek after, a staring contest ensuing before something comes over you, leaning over to deliver a kiss to his other cheek.

when you pull back, the shy and flustered reaction of the prince brings another giggle out from you.

"i believe you, then. go and show everyone that they made the right choice in giving you a chance. go and make the nation a better place for the citizens. no matter how long, when you come back, i'll be right here... for you."

age 20:

you're twenty years old when the district system is abolished, and when you're nearing twenty-one, it will have been a year since you've spoken to the prince, and will be a few months that you've last seen jongho.

he had been given an opportunity to stay at the castle as one of the prince's permanent companions and took it.

as for you, you moved back to what used to be the fifth district, your heart and soul still full of regard for the place no matter how far you run because every last memory of your parents are rooted here.

you didn't want and couldn't ask for anything in return for the loyalty to the royal family during their toughest time, only taking the coins they had kindly insisted on giving and proceeded to find somewhere to settle. make a life for yourself.

the first few months after declaration of adjustments were as tough for anyone else as it was for you. no matter how positive of an effect, changes are always difficult.

the nobles having to reclaim their homes again after migrating from fear of the outlaws; the party finally retreating, and the former having to piece everything back together with the thought in mind that everything won't be the same, but it will be fair.

the lower districts benefitting the most from the changes but time is their biggest adversary, because though good things are coming, they're not going to come in an instant. having to wait days, months, years, for the full glory to show can be defeating.

but nevertheless, it's coming, and tomorrow will be better than yesterday and so forth. a year later and you can already notice the difference, especially the sea that once gave up on the nation ready to ripple once more.

where you're currently at, you couldn't have done it without the help of those around you. hongjoong who gave you full rights to his hideout in the fifth district because he won't have the use for it anymore, having also been promoted to work alongside the prince.

and with the coins the royal family gave you, you put it into materials to hone the skill you're best at, now finally making a living off sewing and embroidery.

over the year, you've renovated the small shack to your liking with the knowledge you carried from your father, building something for yourself you can call home.

you can still recall that feeling; the first sinking realization of being alone and the taste of freedom. you no longer belonged to somebody or owed anything to anyone. no longer the poor kid just waiting for a better life.

you were your own person, and it feels amazing to be free, though you think it would be even better if he was there.

the thought of him crossing your mind every couple of days, wishing for nothing but only the best for him, hopeful that one day, he will return to fulfill the promise.

"those are some fine handkerchiefs you have there," a young man's voice stops you, spinning around to greet him with a smile.

"you crafted them yourself?" he asks, his tone a type of mischievious that you don't even read into.

"yes," you simply reply, always putting on your best behavior when there's a possible customer. "would you like to take a look at them for yourself?"

"i'd love to."

you untangle the basket from your arm and start going through the many fabrics of your creation.

"wow. not only is the creator herself beautiful, but so are the creations. i've never seen these kind of patterns before," he comments, a smirk on that is both amused and flirty, you can't help the way your cheeks immediately reddens.

the man only seems to find the sight even more endearing as a snicker bubbles out of him while you're still just standing there because you've never met someone so shameless before.

you're about to say something when an arm is thrown around your shoulders instead, turning to the source and your body an immediate mix of relieved, joy, and a skipping heartbeat.

"san..." you say by natural instinct, his unreadable expression meeting yours before moving to the young man in front.

"i'm sorry, i told her to not go wandering by herself but she wouldn't listen. let's go back, honey."

he snatches the basket out of your hold with his other hand and hauls you back the other way.

"i've only been gone for a year and you're already flirting with another man?" he accuses once you're able to flee from his clutch, his steps following right behind you as a pout overtakes his face.

"i wasn't flirting. i was trying to make money," you weakly defend, focus on the path back to your place that you believe the word 'cottage' would be more fitting for.

"you're way too beautiful and talented to be out there spending your days talking to young men."

"pfft," you blow, "and you're way too handsome and princely to be traveling everywhere and going to other kingdoms in the presence of other noble and royal daughters."

"and i'd still choose you, baby."

your heels dig the dirt flooring, snapping around from the pet name, a laughter at the verge of coming out.

san can see the amusement on your face, only smirking in response.

"what? i know you like being called that."

this time, you really do laugh and he follows right after, absolutely in love with everything about you. whether that's snarking back or laughing at him.

"whatever you say, prince," you poke more fun at him before dragging him by the wrist into your place.

"cute what you've done," he pass a comment while you put the basket away.

"yes. and i have just about everything i need."

it's just a little bigger than the hideout back at what used to be the third district, but it has the same convenience in that it's close to the river, cutting out trips to the bathhouse which saves a lot of time.

he nods, the dimpled smile never leaving his face.

"so... what brings you here?" you eventually ask, sitting next to him on your bed, the atmosphere shifting because despite enjoying the banter and mischief of it all, you miss him and haven't seen him in over a year.

"we just returned and arrived at the port this morning, so i wanted to come visit and see how you're doing. you know, to make sure no one was trying to sweep you off by your feet."

you playfully land a slap to his shoulder, snickering.

"you're ridiculous. all year long and my love life is so dry, but the one day someone acknowledges me, you just have to come back," you reply with sarcasm.

"i'm sorry to ruin that for you, but you can't take it back. you promised to marry me, and i will make sure every guy in the kingdom knows that."

you remember the first time meeting san, his state of grief making him almost an entirely different person. quiet, stoic, and always in distress, it's the most wonderful surprise that he's actually a child at heart.

able to let loose once in a while and just have fun.

"no need to. you won't have any competitions at all."

he chuckles quietly at that and closes any remaining distance between you two.

"you speak too lowly of yourself when you're the most beautiful girl i've ever seen."

you bat your eyelashes, shying away from his gaze. you just blush way too easy.

he chuckles at the sight and moves the subject along, "but i also came because i have good news. the king and prince mingi of dune have agreed to a treaty."

"really? t-that's great!" you stumble your wording, beyond happy for him because this was everything he wanted and planned for.

"yeah. it wasn't easy but the fact we have aurora did most of the convincing. dune was... interesting to say the least," he says, briefly recalling the month he spent at the kingdom.

"you did it, though" you smile. "it's only going to get better from now on."

"i hope so. but it seems the real challenge just began. this place is going to need a lot of work."

"that, it is. but for now, you just need to relax. rest a little and eat if you already haven't. i can make you some soup, would you like that?"

he nods.

"i would love that."

he loves how comfortale and easy it is with you. when the weight on his shoulders gets too heavy, he can always rely on you to make it better, even if just for a bit.

"so where do i sleep?" he asks, walking back in after washing himself by the river with the towel you gave him.

the day had been nothing short of a dream, eating and cleaning together and just small exchanges that multiplies the butterflies in your stomach.

you wish everyday was like this.

"the floor," you joke, the response making him scowl.

"i'm carrying the nation on my back and you're gonna make me sleep on the floor?" he throws the towel over his shoulder, his wet strands of hair swaying along with his movements.

"that bed looks big enough for the two of us." he points with his chin. "besides, we're gonna get married anyways."

you roll your eyes, snatching the towel from him as you go to ruffle his wet hair with it, his shout of protests underneath coming out muffled.

"fine." you land the fabric back around his neck, crawling into bed and scooting to the wall to make space.

he lays down and faces you, your gaze burning into each other's when he cranks out a smile.

"i'll be leaving in the morning and you might not see me again for a while after. don't you think you should give me something to remember you by?"

your brows furrow, your mind jumping to conclusion considering the position you guys are in and the tone in which he said it.

"i'm not gonna have sex with you," you spit, prompting the loudest laughter ever from him, followed by confusion from you.

"no, of course not. i was talking about another of your handkerchiefs."

"oh..." you murmur, feeling embarrassed.

"not until we get married at least. then, we can do it," he states with confidence, the thought of taking you to bed and inserting control another way is tempting, and he can't wait for the day.

you smack his chest lightly, as flustered as you are, you can't help the giggle that slips out.

a few seconds of silence pass by before he starts moving closer, his breath ghosting your skin and finger going to caress your cheek.

"i really do want to kiss you right now, though," he confess, "if that's okay with you."

you nod as much as your pillowed head allows you to.

"that's okay with me."

you close your eyes shut, trying to keep from flinching as you await his kiss, moments later only for his lips to crash against yours, his hand moving to your jaw and his body pressing forward as the kiss deepens.

you kiss him like it's the last kiss between you and him; like your life depends on it, the bed creaking under as he takes it upon himself to connect your bodies.

he pulls back much to your disappointment, both of your chests heaving and trying to catch your breath, his forehead bumped with yours and tip of his nose brushing your own.

"good enough," he speaks, his breath still not yet returned, "any more than this and i might not be able to contain myself."

you giggle, placing a soft peck on his cheek, flashing one last smile.

"goodnight, prince."

"have a safe trip, and take care of yourself," you bless, blue in your heart as san makes his way back to you after speaking to the coachman.

all the laughters and butterflies of yesterday won't be experienced again until who knows how long. he will be away after this, and you will miss him dearly.

you wish he could stay but you know he can't. he has something bigger and better to worry about.

he stops before you, melancholy in his eyes as well. he doesn't want to leave you but he has to. and as much as he wants to take you along, he can't let you bear the same responsibilities and weight.

he wants for you to be there, when he already made everything better.

"you take care of yourself, too." his hands naturally finding itself cupping your cheeks. "don't overwork yourself."

"i won't."

you place your own hands over his, desperate to salvage his touch for one last time.

"when can i expect to see you again?" you ask.

"i don't have a definite answer, but i'll be back. i promise."

you two share one last kiss before you watch him go off, blue still in your heart, but you know that someday, he'll come back, and it will be to stay.

age 23:

you're twenty-three years old when there's a knock at the door one suspicious morning.

living in the middle of nowhere, and even over the years, you're only able to count on one hand the range of selection there is when it comes to who it could be.

"hongjoong?" you squint, the man you haven't seen in forever looking slightly more buffed; mature, his hair styled and attire new and shiny.

"great seeing you again," he greets, still on horseback and glancing down at you.

"would you like to come inside? for some tea or a drink?" you ask, figuring it's only proper etiquette you do.

"i'm good. i only came to deliver something."

you continue squinting, one hand shielding your eyes from the early sun, reaching out when hongjoong hands you a letter and unfolding it.

"an invitation from the prince?" you read, incredulity as you shoot up to look at him.

"yes. the prince is finally accepting his accession to king and the coronation will be held a week from now. that is all i have for today. i have to head back soon."

you have so many more questions but hongjoong already turns his back before you can ask them, settling for staring at the ink in awe when the sound of his voice picks your head up again.

"i hope to see you there. the prince will be expecting you."

you leave for the capital the following day, packing only essentials and enough coins, taking along pearl, the white horse you had purchased a year back for traveling purposes.

there's been a lot changes in the four years since san took the reign, all of them for the better, of course.

some of the homes have been revamped, some new ones added, and everywhere you passed, there are greens and beauty in each sceneries.

the citizens look happier, kids a lot less miserable and even those in the orphanages are coming around to the new implements along with those in progress to solve overcrowding.

members of the outlaws have dwindled over time and quieted.

for the first time in hundreds of years, utopia is able to live up to its name in some form; a place of ideal perfection.

so you couldn't fret too much; be upset that in the three years that have passed, san's only visited you once. because if it wasn't for him, the nation wouldn't have been able to achieve the current state.

you travel to the capital with hope, expectation, and excitement at the fact you will be seeing him again; a strong belief that everything will feel just the same as last time.

you stop at inns to rest when the nights fall and start again at dawn, reaching the destination in five days total, the day before san's coronation.

there isn't any difference to the castle, not even a bit. a touch of nostalgia hitting you when thinking back to the event four years ago.

entrance is easy to get through, showing both of the guards who seems to recognize you, the letter.

tying your horse to the nearest tree, you proceed to the door with a pounding heart, banging on it twice before the castle door creaks from the other side, absolutely no idea who the person could be.

"y/n!"

your eyes widen at the sight, that nervousness replaced by delight.

"jongho!"

before he can get another word out, you're already in his arms, the warmth of your best friend something you missed greatly in the full year you haven't seen him.

you can him hear giggling in your hair, pulling away to that goofy smile of his as one settles on your lips as well.

"you came," he simply says.

"of course i did."

jongho takes you inside, your nosy eyes wandering the interior that's also the same as before but still dazzling with all its history, cracks in some of the wall, and antiques.

you greet the queen and the princess who only gets more beautiful by the years, them welcoming you with warm smiles and you can tell immediately the new changes other than their appearances.

they sound happier; no other burdens or weight pulling them down, carrying it around like a haunting that won't go away.

you walk around the courtyard with jongho after, finally a time and place to catch up. all those time of being with each other, you didn't think you could survive if he wasn't by your side, but to have gone four long years only seeing him once in a blue moon, you'd say that's some character development.

"how are things here for you?" you ask him, walking alongside shoulder to shoulder.

"amazing," he answers almost instantly, "it's crazy. i never thought i'd get the chance to work in the capital, but the royal family's castle? with the prince? it's everything i've ever wanted."

you can't stop smiling, his tone telling of just how much he means what he just said.

"that's great. i'm happy for you. you did always say you wanted all those training to go into something."

he nods.

"and you? how are things down there?"

"much better. it's coming together. the people's the most tame i've ever seen them."

jongho hums in acknowledgement.

"i heard you're going to become queen," he suddenly brings up, and you almost choke in return.

"and who the hell said that?"

"--i did."

the familiar voice that isn't jongho makes the both of you turn around, your stomach dropping and heart palpitating because you know all too well who it belongs to.

you can only stare breathless as he takes a step closer, your throat dry.

he's just as mesmerizing as you remember but like hongjoong, time have passed and he has gotten more bulky, manly, and handsome if that's even possible.

"i'm glad to see you can come," he mumbles, a charming smile on that render your knees weak.

jongho clears his throat, attempting to hide a smirk as he goes to excuse himself politely and walks back inside, leaving you stranded in the presence of san.

everything still feels the same with him.

"yeah. i got the letter," you reply, glancing around the empty area, "though it seems i might have gotten a tad excited."

he snickers, and oh... how you have missed the sound.

"you're the only one i gave a personal invitation to," he unveils.

"oh." your eyes swell, only to break the tension after. "then i guess i'm special."

"you are," he assures, closing the distance and taking one of your hand. "i have promised you that once utopia is stable enough, i will ask for your hand in marriage."

you watch as he goes to pull something out of the pocket of his suit, one of his knees pointed to the ground, his entire body falling with it.

"and now that i've finally reached that goal... y/n, will you marry me?"

it takes a moment for you to process everything, overwhelmed with joy and happiness before you can properly nod.

"yes. of course."

and he will marry you, after the rise to king and acceptance of his title as the ruler of utopia, keeping the promise just as he did to every others.

permanent taglist: @moonchele

a/n: not me talking shit abt wanting broken era to be over only to go & write a 19k oneshot. but i loved writing this & had a lot of fun bc it was v different from what i'd usually write

#i don't know shit abt politics #so go easy #ateez x reader #ateez fluff #ateez angst #choi san x reader #san x reader #ateez scenarios #ateez imagines

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lipringlrh · 11 months

Text

“I told my mum about you.” | mm19

summary: mason’s not your boyfriend, but he might as well be. Especially when his mum thinks he is.

pairing: mason mount x fem!reader

an: in honour of the recent news. i’m glad he’s doing what best for him but it’s still sad, even though he’s (most likely) moving to my team!!!

word count: 1.1k

warnings: dodgy kissing bit xxx

feedback and reblogs appreciated!!!

…

It was a cold Friday night, you were led on the couch with Mason like most nights, cuddled up under a blanket, a film muted in the background. It was like every other evening: the two of you sharing constant kisses and compliments and talking about your future plans together, but neither of you would have it any other way.

You were led against him this time, his arm round your shoulders. You were close enough to lay your head comfortably on his neck, where you would probably end up falling asleep later, but just far enough away that you had to lean over to kiss him, stopping you from doing just that the whole night.

He was quieter tonight than usual but you didn't mind. Silence with Mason was comfortable, you could sit by him for hours and not speak. You were both perfectly content with just being next to each other.

You knew something was on his mind but you weren't entirely sure what. You knew he'd tell you when he was ready, so you didn't mind and carried on focusing on the muted film, trying to grasp any idea of what was going on.

"I told my mum about you - us." He mumbled, a mix of pride and guilt flowing through his words. He didn't mean to mention you at all, not that he didn't want to but for the reason your situation was complicated: you both liked each other and knew that, both acting on your feelings for each other but with no label or exclusivity. He got just a little too tipsy at a family meal but could help but gush about you to everyone.

"Mum, have you seen her? She's so pretty and perfect, Mum. Look." He demanded, wobbling over to her, ready to show her the fourth picture of you tonight.

"Why haven't you told me about her before if you love her this much?" She was quite confused about the situation herself. She figured if he was with someone he would've told her like he usually does, but she'd also never heard him talk about someone this way before.

"Because she's too special, Mum. I don't want to lose her. Don't you think she's beautiful? You have to meet her. Have I told you how kind she is? Or about that time when we-"

He droned on about you for hours but he didn't care, he loved talking about anything to do with you, whether it was your plans for the week or how he watched you do your hair in the morning and couldn't fathom how you did it. His mum didn't mind either, not fully knowing the situation but knowing fully you were extremely special to him.

"You've told me twice, love."

"You have to meet her, Mum. I think I might love her- I think you'd love her. You have to meet her: my girl. My girl, Mum."

"How about you bring her over next time you come round? Next Sunday, or whenever you feel like it, she sounds lovely."

"She is lovely, she's just-"

"Mason, what?" You looked at him in shock: wide-eyed and mouth open. You didn't realise he would talk about you to people other than his close circle that barely had an idea of what was going on, let alone his mum.

"She thinks we're dating, she just assumed by the way I talk about you, and I really didn't want to correct her." He didn't really know why he admitted it but he also didn't regret it after looking at your face.

"Oh." You were shocked but smiling. The fact that he didn't correct her must be a good thing, right? You didn't really know what else to say - you wanted to know every detail of what he said about you but you were now also worried about what his mum thinks.

"She wants to meet you."

You didn't really know where he was taking the conversation - you weren't his girlfriend, why would he let her think that? And how were you meant to answer him when it could all get confusing and awkward with one slip up.

"Shame, she won't," you murmured, looking away from him, trying not to let him read your face - for signs of what, you didn't know.

He grabbed your chin, gently, pulling your face up to almost reach yours. "She is. This Sunday," he whispered against your lips, barely making a sound, then attaching his lips to yours before you could speak.

You let him kiss you for a moment before registering his words and pulling back, leaving your hands on his cheek and chest.

"What do you mean she is? Mason, we're not even-"

"Not yet, we're not. I promised her she could meet you, she's so excited please, baby. I'll promise you anything."

"Mase," you whined, letting him grab your face again before pulling you in to kiss him.

He was confident but soft, neither of you taking the lead, just letting your lips brush over each other. He was grinning more the longer you went on, and you could feel it making you more giddy and eager.

One of his hands moved down to your waist, pulling you in more towards him whilst the other moved under your jaw, holding your head up. Your hands were moving from his chest up to his hair, ruffling through it. He was tender and familiar, and you felt more comfortable than ever before.

You both were eventually forced to pull away but you stayed close, resting your foreheads close to one another. His hands was still holding your head up, keeping you close, as you both listened to the others heavy breathing.

"I love you," he confessed, tightening his grip on your waist, not letting you leave. He was still trying to get his breath back but couldn't resist staring at your lips, silently begging for more.

You moved your head back as far as his hand would allow you to take a proper look at him and take him all in. Your hands were still in his hair and it wouldn't take anyone long to notice how messy you've made it, along with his slightly swollen lips. He looked like the prettiest mess.

"I love you too, Mase. So much."

"Yeah?" He broke out into a massive grin, similar to you. "You do?"

"I really do." You felt warm all over, the joy bubbling up from your stomach. It felt like a moment from your dreams.

"Kiss me then." You couldn't help but comply, leaning back into him impatiently and sealing your lips together.

please please please drop in my inbox (or whatever it’s called) on what footballers you want me to write for!!!

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cutielando · 6 months

Text

win ~ george russell

Summary: After a tough couple of years in F1, George finally gets the win he so desperately wanted and you are right there to celebrate with him.

Words: 1.0k+

Other works: my masterlist

♡♡♡♡♡

Waiting for your first win ever was excruciating.

Going into every race thinking it might be the one and then slowly losing hope as the race would progress, realizing there was even more waiting in store before it would happen.

That's how George felt.

He had been in Formula 1 for quite some years now, but his win seemed nowhere near happening. He was slowly losing hope, getting used to the idea that he wouldn't win a race in the near future.

His family kept reassuring him that his time would come, but George's faith in himself left his body with each race that passed.

You knew how frustrating it must be, seeing all the drivers around you consistently getting wins and you struggling to get just one.

It was tough on someone's mind, it would ruin their thinking.

You, however, didn't let yourself think like that. He had been so close to winning so many times, you could feel it in your bones that his win was approaching with fast steps.

And oh, how right you were.

♡♡♡♡♡

Silverstone was a fan-favorite track on the F1 calendar for the fans, but it was even more special to both George and you.

You met at Silverstone, you started attending every race after it and became George's good luck charm, it was his home race and the UK was home for the both of you.

Plenty of reasons that supported your certainty that George would get his win at Silverstone.

He had been a nervous wreck all weekend, aware of how much the track meant for everyone, including you and his family, and he wanted to perform well.

"Baby, can you calm down? You're stressing yourself out for nothing" you had tried calming him down at your apartment in the morning before he had to get to the circuit.

He had barely slept, didn't want to eat anything ahead of the day and had been pacing all around the apartment since the moment he opened his eyes.

"I can't. Don't you realize how much is at stake here? I can't disappoint everyone again and not win this one. I'm going to be a failure and everybody will hate me" your heart broke when you heard George talk about himself so poorly.

You quickly got up and jumped in front of him, finally making him come to a halt and stop pacing around.

"You listen to me, Georgie. Nobody is going to hate you if you don't win today. I know you think they will, but they won't. Their support and love for you doesn't depend on whether or not you get a win today or in the next race. You're still young, baby, you have so much time to show the potential and talent you have, so many great years ahead of you. Your win will come at the right time. Please don't be so hard on yourself, I hate seeing you talk so badly about yourself"

He bit his lip but nodded, kissing you on the forehead before bringing you in for a hug.

"I'm sorry for being like this. I just want to make you and our families proud" his voice was muffled slightly because he had buried his face in your hair, but you understood him nonetheless.

"We're proud of you no matter what. We just want you to have fun and be safe. If you end up winning, we'll cheer you on. If you don't end up winning, we'll still cheer you on. We'll love you no matter what" you stood on your tiptoes and pressed your lips against his, silence sealing the promise that you would love him no matter what.

It was all he had needed to hear, his body slowly relaxing under his touch.

And it was also all he had needed to hear to motivate him to win today.

♡♡♡♡♡

You had never seen George drive so well.

From the moments the lights had gone out, he had been driving like his life depended on it. He was overtaking like it was second nature, battling for position with Lewis before the team had ultimately made the decision to switch cars because George was faster, racing Max for the first place like he had never before.

The whole garage was on the edge of their seats, staring at the screens with anticipation.

It wasn't until George had overtaken Max and crossed the checkered flag first that the chaos and celebrations had really begun.

Engineers high-fiving each other, shaking hands and screaming in delight, you and George's parents hugging in a corner away from the madness.

You hadn't even realized you had been crying until Alison had wiped off your tears, laughing when you noticed that she had been crying too.

As you walked out of the garage with the rest of George's team and waited for him to return to the pitlane, you couldn't help the excitement flowing through your veins.

All the sweat, the tears, the bad races, the bad strategies, the hopes and dreams of being a Formula 1 Grand Prix winner had finally paid off.

George had officially become a race winner.

And you couldn't be more proud of him.

When you saw his car approaching and parking in front of Number 1, you felt more tears run down your cheeks as you observed him getting out of the car.

The moment his helmet had come off, his eyes were searching for you in the crowd. When he spotted you, he gave his helmet to one of his engineers and quickly jumped over the barriers, scooping you up in his arms and twirling you around.

"You did it!" you exclaimed in his ear, holding onto his body tightly.

"I did it for you" he said, kissing your neck before putting you down.

"I'm so proud of you, my love. You can't even understand" you said as you held his face in your hands, running your fingers through his damp hair.

"I couldn't have done it without your support" he said before leaning down and kissing you, smiling a little when you both head his team wolf-whistle behind you.

As you stood there in the pitlane embracing each other, celebrating his first ever win, you knew that you would overcome everything life would throw at you together.

The win didn't just belong to George.

It was a win for both of you.

Yours.

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body-face-words · 3 months

Text

Let's go with the hugs from the NTA awards.

I got the gifs from @ingravinoveritas !

This is going to be a long post.

youtube

First up: when David received the award.

Quick note: the back is a vulnerable place. We usually don't let strangers/people we don't trust and aren't close to, touch out backs.

First off, David slightly bends in order to hug Michael better. He's taller and doesn't want Michael (and from what I've seen, anybody) getting on their tip-toes to reach him.

The pat on the back that David and Michael do is a type of 'call and response'. David pats Michaels back twice and Michael responds by patting David back once (there used to be a "secret" language behind that: first two pats mean 'I love' then the other person would respond with 'you' completing the phrase 'I love you' however I don't know if this applies, but it's interesting either way).

Patting someones back while hugging is seen more like a friendly gesture towards family and friends, but with limits the limit is being showed through the pat. However, David and Michael have that call and response (with or without the 'I love you'), that limit isn't there/that present anymore. There's more of a connection now.

They also rest their open palm on each others back. Having an open palm while hugging someone, shows a want to have as much physical contact as possible. Davids right hand is clutching Michaels shoulder, holding him tight and by how squished Michaels face looks, David was really pulling him in and Michael isn't backing out. He leans in and rests on David. This type of hug is sometimes known as 'Lock Hug' because of how close and strong they hold each other.

The Lock Hug happens usually when saying goodbye or when there's an overwhelming about of love, whether it be platonic or romantic. There's this fear of losing each other and wanting to hold tight, or that overwhelming love that makes them not want to separate. There's a strong connection and passion for their relationship, romantic or platonic. This type of hug shows how important they are to each other. It show vulnerability (open palm on the back) and trust as well as mutual support.

A Lock Hug is defined by how close their bodies are and how tightly the hug is. There is NO space in between David and Michael. Their bodies are completely flushed together.

When we're bot familiar with someone, our pelvis doesn't touch the other person or we move our pelvis away. A diplomatic hug ('we HAVE TO hug') leaves space between the pelvis and sometimes even the torso. They wouldn't be flushed against each other.

They stay in that hug for about 5 second before Michael starts removing his hand from Davids back. It's a little hard to see who is pulling back first, but if you look at their heads, Michael straightens up before David. He's still slightly bent into the hug.

Davids pat on both of Michaels shoulders at the end is taken as a friendly gesture kind of like "my friend, thank you," and because Davids face was a genuine happy one, this gesture wasn't to push Michael away.

Michaels lips go into a thin smile, cheeks puff out, looks down, and breathes out. He probably didn't want to let go and/or was holding himself back from saying something, but in the middle of work, he has to continue the award show. He also slides his hand down to Davids waist. Touching and/or grabbing someones waist is intimate, familiar, and protective. It's not usual and not very seen between friends.

Michael slides his hand down to Davids waste, but David doesn't move/flinch away. He continues to look at Michael.

On this post the difference between how David hugs other people and how he hugs Michael is how much trust, connection, and affection they BOTH have for each other. David is comfortable enough with Michael to lean into him and stay there, without moving., then to slowly let go. Look at how quickly he hugs then lets go. With people he's more familiar with, he hugs, shakes, then lets go. The little shake or sometimes dance, is done when two people are familiar and have known each well/for a long time.

Edit: @killerqueen-82 pointed out to me their facial expressions while they were hugging. Both David and Michael had their eyes closed and smiled during the hug. They were savoring the moment. Their eyes shut, smiling, and the hug was tight meaning they were enjoying the moment as much as they could for as long as possible. Again, not wanting to let go, holding each other tightly. Their faces also show how happy they really felt being there together again.

Back to the topic about the waist. Grabbing someone's waste, then pulling them in, is a sign of protectiveness, pride (being prideful of who you are holding), and intimacy/emotional closeness (closing the gap between the two of you).

Michael is pulling David in. You can tell by how his torso moves back as he guides David closer.

David, lets Michael guide him and leans closer to Michael. They don't have a problem being physically close, as they have shown us now and in the past.

If someone moves away, keeps there torso away from the person pulling them in, or makes an unpleasant, then that's when there is a problem. They are being forced or they are forcing themselves to do as the other indicates. There isn't trust let alone emotional closeness. They are uncomfortable and out of their environment.

Picture taken from @ingravinoveritas blog:

Their torsos are facing the other and their shoulders are touching because Michael has his hand on Davids back. From the gif above, his hand is most likely resting on Davids middle back.

Lets look at their situation. There are tons of cameras taking videos and pictures of them and they are able to clearly see them because they are there to be seen. Both are conscious that they are being seen so they have to show a good face.

There's a gap between them now that they can see pictures beng taken. They're putting their best face and stance so the pics come out good. However, things always slip. David Michael leaning towards each other. Their torsos are not only facing, they are also leaning into the other. The position of their legs and in turn feet also show that they don't want to metaphorically or literally run away from each other. Their feet, Davids left and Michaels right, are close.

I don't usually look into press pictures when analyzing body language. It's easy to fake a smile (even though its noticable), pose, and post whatever narrative they want to show, but sometimes things slip and with public figures, it's been known that sometimes, that's their only escape and way to show what really is going on or how they're feeling.

#michael sheen #david tennant

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thrilling-oneway · 5 months

Text

Fate in Project SEKAI - 1/?

VBS

2.3k

1. An and Kohane

Right from the main story we're introduced to the idea that An and Kohane's first meeting was simply fate. Kohane was just a bypasser overhearing An's singing, hearing An talk about her dreams. It's this that makes Kohane reflect on herself, how she's never been passionate and never had anything she wanted to throw herself into. This girl is everything she isn't and everything she would like to be.

They don't even meet formally, but An's profession of her dream and Kohane's longing for one is what causes their SEKAI to manifest. We know from MEIKO that it's been around for a long time, but it wasn't until Kohane saw An that it revealed itself to its owners. But that could've been anyone. Anyone could've been inspired by An, or Akito and Toya, since they were involved in its creation too. Heck we could've had Kotaro who outright stated was inspired by Akito. But no, it had to be Kohane. Kohane had something she wanted to change about herself, and meeting An is the only way this could happen.

An also needed a partner, and Kohane was the perfect partner. An grew up talented surrounded by talented people. She never had any problems, she'd always been a step above everyone else. Kohane is a total beginner, far, far out of her comfort zone. They compliment each other. Kohane learns from An how to sing, how to be confident, all about her dreams and aspirations. She learns what it's like to be passionate. An learns what it means to rely on someone, what it means to wholly trust someone. A beginner is not to be protected, a beginner is to be taught. She teaches Kohane all these things, and learns what it's like to struggle too. She experiences a sense of weakness for the first time, the fear that someone will surpass her. She's not jealous, she's happy for Kohane, but she's insecure that Kohane will become too good for her, that she'll fall behind and lose the person she loves and trusts more than anyone else. It's these insecurities that push her to become even better, to improve further. She may be naturally talented but that doesn't mean you can't improve.

Kohane's fes card further touches on the idea of An being everything she wanted to be, by literally making her become An. All this time she thought she had to become An, not realising that what she truly needed was to stay being herself. Kohane wanted to change, but to change yourself doesn't mean to become someone else entirely. Kohane is still Kohane. She's still the shy girl who was too scared to do anything, but she left that girl in the past the second she chose to return to An in the main story. It's this idea of a rebirth that is touched on a lot more later on in Nagi and Akito's arcs, and VBS' arc as a whole.

2. Akito and Toya

Was Akito and Toya's meeting just a coincidence, or was it fate? I'll discuss the overlaps between coincidences and fate in this game later, but for now we'll say that yes, Akito and Toya's meeting was also fate. In fact, it's rather similar to An and Kohane's - a parallel, if you will. Not quite the same but not wholly different.

Akito had been fully devoted to soccer for his entire childhood. He was talented, the best player on the team. He put so much time and energy into it. And then he lost, and gave up. Bringing back that idea of rebirth. Akito's passion for soccer burnt out, he was done with it, and not going back. Sure he was good, but he had nothing left in him to care about it anymore. Seeing that concert relit that passion. Made him rediscover himself. Maybe he wasn't made for soccer, but made for music. Music was an opportunity to reinvent himself, much like it was for Kohane.

Toya came from a musical family. Surrounded by professional musicians, tied to the fate of music from birth. His family expected nothing less of him than to follow in their footprints, a fate pushed onto him regardless of whether he wanted it or not. It wasn't right for him and it hurt, his parents hurt him trying to make him into something he wasn't. He may be talented and experienced, but he was willing to run away from it all. The lyrics to RAD DOGS say as much. Classical music was never his real fate, his real fate lied with street music. Even then, street music was just something he chose because it was so different from the path chosen for him. It was an unknown route that he didn't know how to navigate, but nonetheless, he grew to love it. Fate cannot be chosen, so maybe Toya's spontaneous choice was leading him in the right direction.

Akito happened to meet Toya on the street one day, just like how Kohane first encountered An. Akito, who had refused to work with so many people before, immediately chose Toya on his own accord. He recognised Toya's talent, that Toya was new and inexperienced despite all that, and that Toya was someone who needed a guide in this unknown world. Akito and Toya are two sides of the same coin. Akito is bold and brash and two-faced, Toya is calm and reserved and honest. Akito has no background or talent in music, Toya has all of that. Even their colours are complete opposites. But at the end of it all, both of them chose this path as a way to reinvent themselves. Relight a fire that had burnt out within themselves, allow it to burn brighter than before. Relight, restart, reborn. It's all the same. They're one in the same despite all their differences. They compliment each other and it's what allows them to work so well together, to trust and love each other more than anyone else. Aun no Beats' title is derived from the term Aun no Kokyuu/Aun Breathing, when two people act in perfect harmony to the point of breathing the same, being able to understand each other without words. There's a reason they and no one else was chosen to cover that song.

3. Bird lore + Arata and Souma

The Walk on and on event essentially confirms that the meetings of the two pairs were indeed fate, and that they're soulmates. A word that so fully describes exactly what they are. They complete each other, understand each other and trust each other so, so deeply. Kohane would not be who she is now without An, An would not be who she is now without Kohane. The same applies to Akito and Toya, their meeting is essential to who they are now, they wouldn't have navigated this far without standing shoulder to shoulder, back to back. The best way to describe these feelings, these actions, the way they act and the way they complete each other, two halves of a whole, two sides of the same coin, two parts of the same story, would be love. Platonic or romantic, the text supports both. Kohane and An will keep working hard to become the best possible partner for each other. Akito and Toya are still learning too, how to become even better than the best partner anyone could ask for.

The cards for that event contain a few references to the idea of soulmates two. First, the costumes. Toya and Kohane's costumes for the event have a single wing on the back. Their first recolours change the accent colour to their partner's image colour and flip the side of the wing. This alludes to the mythical Hiyoku bird. A bird with only one wing that will not be able to fly until it meets its other half. Akito and Toya would never have been able to fly, to get as far as they have, if it weren't for that chance meeting on the street. The same applies to An and Kohane, if Kohane hadn't run into An she never would've changed, and An never would've had a partner quite like Kohane. The cards also feature crows, a bird that, notably, mates for life. Toya explicitly states in the event that he wants to stay right beside Akito forever. It's a promise, it's not quite fate but it's the closest a person can get to it with their own actions. Toya is never going to leave Akito's side, and in return, Akito will continue to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with him. We see this demonstrated in Toya's card, with Akito literally having broken Toya's cage to reach him, and continue to sit beside him.

KAITO's card is particularly interesting, as it suggests that Akito and Toya, and An and Kohane are not the only fated partners on Vivid Street. KAITO's costume notably already has two wings, a completed whole, only one of them is damaged. Whilst not confirmed, it's highly likely that this is meant to represent Arata and Souma. After all, Souma was an important character in Walk on and on, as was his relationship with Arata. Souma and Arata's relationship has been compared to Akito and Toya's multiple times. Both of them wholly care for and love their partners, as outright stated by KAITO in THE POWER OF UNITY. For Toya, Akito is incredibly important to him. Akito taught him to love music again, Akito introduced him to a whole new world that he only entered out of spite but now is devoted to with his entirety. He has nothing but gratitude for Akito, much like how Souma has nothing but gratitude for Arata. Both of them want to give something back, through the medium both they and their partners love and understand more than anything.

Souma's accident may have made him unable to continue to stand by Arata's side, but Arata will continue to carry the dream that once rested on both their shoulders. It's more complicated for Arata though, who is still clinging to the grief of losing a partner who always stood beside him, a wall placed between them against his will, a wing torn from his shoulder. Dreams can't be carried alone, which is why he can't truly ever carry Souma's dream, nor claim it as his own. He's so caught up in his feelings that he can't realise that he wants this too, that it isn't just for Souma. It's in his honour, the memory of a dream that can't be achieved anymore. Arata's inability to realise this brings him so much pain because he loves Souma, so much, and it crushes him to think that he's betrayed him, in a sense. But once again, they truly are two people who complete each other. Souma wouldn't have reached the heights he did reach if Arata wasn't there beside him, and Arata would not still be on this path if it weren't for Souma leading him along for the first part of the journey.

4. Nagi and RAD WEEKEND

If there's one thing known about fate, it's that fate isn't kind to everyone. Fate was cruel to Nagi, it took her life from her. Her dreams were to be left unfulfilled, half complete. She had no choice in the matter, her story was coming to a close, before she could bring it to a proper conclusion. However, even if her fire burnt out, she still had the time to light a fire in a new generation. Her story will never see a proper end, but she can give her story to a new generation, and inspire them to write their own, one that can be truly completed.

Nagi held RAD WEEKEND as a send-off to herself, one last performance that she could put everything that she could into since she wouldn't have another chance. It was also a chance to create a legacy for herself. Whilst she herself would be gone, her impact would be remembered, be seen by many and inspire them to reach for their dreams, or perhaps give them a new dream. As she looks out to the audience whilst putting her legacy and dreams into the world, she sees An and Akito in the audience. While they wouldn't know it for years, Nagi knows, in that moment, mere days before her death, that these are the children she's inspiring, the ones who will remember, the ones who she's lighting a fire for, a fire that will never burn out. It's fate that Akito was there, it's fate that Nagi saw both him and An, and chose to entrust her life's work to them. Without Nagi, there is no Vivid BAD SQUAD. Without Nagi, An and Akito would not be so passionate, for there is no RAD WEEKEND to be passionate about. Akito wouldn't have chosen Toya as the one to run toward his dreams with, because there would be no dream to run towards. Kohane wouldn't have seen that passionate girl on the street and wished she could be just like her, wish she could be more than herself. And without that, there would never be a Vivid BAD SQUAD, never be a SEKAI, never be an Arata who learnt that he's not alone, or a Kotaro who learnt that he's not as talentless and useless as he believes.

Without Nagi, there's nothing. Her fate was not to die before her story was finished, because she finished her story. Her fate was to pass that story on, allow it to be rewritten and adapted by the ones she inspired with it, allow it to continue on. Nagi had more of an impact than she will ever know, but she knew that it's what she wanted, she knew who she was telling her story to, who she hoped would take what she gave them and run and burn brighter than she ever did. For Vivid BAD SQUAD, for Arata and Souma, for Kotaro, and for Tatsuya, Nagi is what guided them to their fate. Even moreso, she may have created it.

#project sekai #mine #vivid bad squad #rambles #sorry the last part is a bit short. i typed this directly into a discord server over the last 1.5 hours #also its 11:30. pm.#i don't wanna clog tags but for the sake of my blogs organisation:#azusawa kohane #shiraishi an #shinonome akito #aoyagi toya #tono arata #miyata souma #kotaki nagi #and for the fun of it #anhane #akitoya #arasou

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theonewithval · 3 months

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The day when tiva shippers won: an unneeded and unrequested reaction chronicle by theonewithval

February 28, 2024.

I'm about to have dinner, when I start seeing THINGS on my tl on twitter. Apparently the big bomb is about to drop. I've been on the edge of my seat for more than a week now, IS IT ACTUALLY HAPPENING TODAY?

TICK.

I can't. My heart is pounding. My mom keeps talking about a million other things and I just can't focus, I can't even understand what she's saying. I feel like I'm gonna pass out. Everybody on twitter is having the same reaction, I'm not the only one whose anxiety is over the roof. It's something that is going to change my life, of that I'm certain. I need to get whatever they're planning to tell us NOW.

My mom calls me: dinner is ready. What if something happens while I'm eating and I miss it? I'm feeling so nervous, my legs are shaking and I feel weak, and I don't know whether it's because I'm hungry and need to eat, or because of the thought of the big news I might get today.

I finish eating, I pick up my phone, immediately checking twitter, again.

TICK.

WAIT WHAT IS THIS TICK TICK BOOM THING? I'M LOSING MY MIND. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY LONGER. I FEEL LIKE TONY DINOZZO WHEN HE GETS OUT THE CAR IN JUDGEMENT DAY AND YELLS. YES I'M ABOUT TO YELL.

My mind starts racing: what if something happens when I'm sleeping and I'm not here to see it? I WOULD MISS THE CHAOS. NOPE. NOT A CHANCE. I CAN'T SLEEP LIKE THIS. I hop into bed, switch my tv on. I need to get my mind off this or I think I'm gonna pass out. Seriously. Italia's got talent is on tv, I'm gonna watch that.

*checks her phone and twitter every two minutes*

What if they drop the bomb at 9est? My god, I can't live like this. THIS HAS TO HAPPEN NOW. I CAN'T SLEEP WITH THAT THOUGHT IN MY MIND. IT WOULD BE 3AM HERE, AND NOW IT'S 10PM.

I text @sweetsouldhavernas: I need support. At this point, it can either be any minute now or in a couple of hours. We kinda start losing hope, maybe we're going to have to wait more, BUT WE CAN'T ANYMORE.

*prays and cries in italian*

I switch my tv off, at this point I'm not even paying attention to it. People on twitter have completely gone crazy, posting old tiva pics, hoping for a miracle. I furiously refresh my tl every two seconds. Yes, literally. And then...

BOOM.

THE BOMB DROPS. THE MIRACLE HAPPENS. A tvline article on my tl, with a pic of Tony and Ziva stuck in the elevator, at the end of season 9. I THOUGHT THE EARTH MOVED. YES, EVERYTHING IS MOVING, SPINNING AROUND ME. MY HEART IS BEATING SO FAST I CAN'T CONTROL IT. MY HANDS AND MY LEGS ARE SHAKING. THANK GOD I'M IN BED OR I WOULD FALL ON THE GROUND. TONY AND ZIVA. TOGETHER. IN A SPIN OFF. THE BIGGEST THING I EXPECTED WAS A CAMEO, BOTH OF THEM IN THE ORIGINAL SERIES. LIKE ARE WE SERIOUSLY GETTING THEM, FOR TEN EPISODES, BEING A COUPLE, BEING A FAMILY, RAISING THEIR DAUGHTER, LOVING EACH OTHER? INSANE, JUST INSANE.

*starts typing nonsense*

*completely loses control of her hands, uncontrollably shaking, not being able to type properly*

*rants in italian*

I feel like we won the world cup. We did it, my friends, we did it tiva nation. And it feels so freaking amazing. I keep watching us slowly finding out what the future holds for us, and we have never won like this. It's so incredible, I can't believe it. Time passes and I don't even realize it's 1am here, I won't be able to sleep, I've got a headache but I don't care, it's been so worth it.

Jokes aside, it's been a lot to process and I think I haven't 100% realized what happened, still feels like a fever dream, but what I can say is that this has literally been one of the most important moments in a fandom, one of the happiest. I've been in this fandom since 2012, twelve years and still counting. I want to hug 17 years old me and tell her it's gonna be okay, that we're gonna have them back, that she's still gonna scream and lose her mind because of them. This girl was 17 when she first saw them in under covers, her first episode ever and fell in love with them. This girl back in 2013 thought they were never going to see each other again, that she lost her most important ship ever. This girl, when family first aired, spent the whole morning after the episode aired, crying in bed for one of her favorite fictional characters ever, because not only she lost her, Ziva, but she lost her ship again, one more time, this time in such a terrible way. They had a child, yes, but they didn't have the chance to be together and I was furious. It was a sensitive subject, every time the reruns aired on my tv every year and I missed so much it hurt. But then, in 2019, we found out there was still hope after all. Ziva was still alive. She reunited with Tony in 2020, with their little girl, finally free to love and to be loved. And now we're here? About to witness them being a couple, a family, raising their daughter, bantering like an old married couple, flirting, working together, getting what everybody of us has always wished for, but thought it was too big of a thing?

If this is a dream, then don't wake me up. It's gonna be amazing, I know that, for sure.

#Just had to write this somewhere #I know this is nonsense I don't expect people to read this #I'm gonna come back here and read this every time I want to remember this ICONIC day #Always in our hearts #Don't mind my awful english #tiva #Tiva spin off!!!#WE WON #ziva david #tony dinozzo

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exo-raskreia · 5 months

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U being anti IH what if the same thing happens to gjhm and they become canon but don't have as much material as other ship?

I'm not sure if you're asking this with malicious intent or if it's a genuine question from a fellow shipper, but here we go.

(Oncoming lengthy response)

I've actually had this thought before. What if despite his different writing style, the general hate the Bleach ED got, & just how ridiculous it sounds, Gege pulled a Kubo? After all, he's a fanboy of the man (I wonder what he thinks of the Bleach ED? Is he aware of how it was received?).

I would be shocked, conflicted, & worried.

To start with, while neither ship should be compared due to how fundamentally different they are, I will say this. Despite several interactions, IH severely lacked chemistry, trust, & meaningful moments. Meanwhile, GojoHime with less on-screen interactions & a playful dynamic, have shown us a deep trust for each other & have worked together to achieve their shared goals. Despite being a minor side character, Utahime is one of the few people Gojo trusts & one of the three adults he calls by first name with no honorific. This already puts them leagues above IH, who were barely friends at best & acquaintances at worst.

So, I wouldn't want GjHm to somehow get the IH treatment in the end. I wouldn't wish that on any shipper, heck, I even feel sort of bad for the IH's, cuz despite becoming "canon" out of nowhere 7 years ago, they still. don't. have. content (especially from the author himself, who has shown no particular interest in his endgames. They don't even have a family sketch 🫢). Makes you wonder who really lost here (as IR has still gotten some content over the years post-ED...).

GjHm already gets enough hate for simply existing, despite it being a smaller ship with a smaller fanbase in the JJK fandom (the antis are threatened by the potential it has, not to mention it's the most popular JJK straight ship in Japan), so if Gege were to pull a Kubo, the hate would increase, especially towards Utahime, who of course would amass the most hate from this freakin' fandom that's obsessed with Gojo. It'd be a tough time for us fans of the ship & Utahime.

After dealing with the aftermath of the Naruto Shipping Wars as a soldier in the NaruHina army lol (don't even get me started on why NH is NOT like IH, plus we actually have content 🤪), & then witnessing the disastrous Bleach ED & the general hate it got, I do NOT wish to go thru this again. Whether you win or lose, if it isn't done properly, you'll still deal with criticism left & right... (why can't more battle shounens be like Fairy Tail when it comes to slowly developing the ships throughout the story? There'd be less drama...)

Gege keeps saying the manga will end soon, so that means if he wants to make anyone canon by the end, he'll have to start now. JJK is a battle shounen with no romance, but if despite this, GjHm are to be canon, then their moments leading up to it will have to be quality > quantity. Is there enough room/time to develop them the way we would wish? Doubt it, so we'll need at least a couple flashbacks to further justify them (and boy, we're still waiting for their flashback after Gojo's unsealing, if that ever comes...).

Basically, even if it's a few moments, they need to be impactful enough to make even the casual readers/viewers think, "I could see them ending up together." Subtlety & slow burn are usually the best fit for battle shounens, after all, &/or maybe a little further (once again, like Fairy Tail). With that said, out of all the potential ships in the series, I personally view YutaMaki as the most likely to become canon by the end; their moments, far & few in between, are enough to convince me that they could be endgame (that is, if the capricious Gege so wished 😓).

So far, we've seen nothing of what Gojo & Utahime truly think of each other. To reiterate, they have a silly dynamic but have shown to trust each other implicitly. Why this is, we can only guess. I mean, Utahime has risked her life for Gojo twice already (investigating the mole & buffing him against Sukuna). Where is this supposed "hate" she holds for him? It's stated in the databook that she hates him most of the time, so how does she feel at other times? 🤔 And Gojo, despite his teasing, has shown he cares for her, saved her, & obviously trusted her with the aforementioned important & risky tasks.

Just what is going on with these two? Is it really so impossible that there could be something more here? Whether now or later? Gege would just need to give us a little more... Though at this point, there's only so much we can hope for, considering his writing style & how things have been seemingly going... Gotta keep our expectations low...

(What if—delulu plot twist—GjHm are already together, either secretly this whole time—like some ppl have wondered, as this could further explain the immense trust in each other—or got together during the timeskip, & all we need now is the big reveal with a/some proper flashback(s) to explain it? LOL. Just a silly idea 😜).

Anyway, in general, I wouldn't want GjHm becoming canon at the cost of its beautiful potential. We'd need some more moments to justify it, or else I'd have to put back on my old "army uniform" to defend my ship if need be. So, despite how unlikely it would be, I can only hope Gege does NOT pull a Kubo (well, he's more likely to kill everyone off or something like that 🙄).

I'd rather he pulled a Sorachi (author of Gintama) & left things open-ended, keeping the fandom from turning into utter chaos...

(Maybe only that side might lose it, tho, lol. They get bothered by anything that doesn't adhere to their ship despite them being down here with us in Delulu Land, oop-).

#gojohime #gojo and utahime #ask #reiapost #anti-ichihime #anti bleach ending

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jinlias · 2 years

Text

the happiest girl - jennie

– listen to the happiest girl by blackpink, as always, lyrics are not in order!

– toxic relationship!! both you and jennie are each other’s victims, not physically tho!! angst. angst angst angst.

the doors we slammed, the plates we smashed, echo with the sound of madness, i can’t remember why we try.

now, listen you never hit jennie, never hurt her physically, and neither did she, but that doesn’t mean you were never aggressive towards each other, or in general.

“you.. said yes?” she’s in shock, how you took such a big decision without asking her, without even thinking about her.

“of course i said yes, the salary is three times what i make now, it’s good for us” you shrug, dropping your fork and staring at your girlfriend, not understanding why she was making such a big deal of it.

“it’s good for us? it’s good for us, y/n? how is that any good to me?” her voice raises with every word, and at the end of them, she plops back on the chair and crosses her arms, throwing you a glare

“it’s good for you because you’re on my payroll jennie, while you can’t decide what the fuck you want to do with your life, i pay for your food, the water you bathe in, your phone, your bed, fuck, i pay for this house all on my own, i think im allowed to decide whether i want more money for that or not”

“it’s in new york, y/n! my whole family is here!! and for you to call me out-“

“don’t yell at me jennie” your hand slams right on the table, everything on it stumbling from the vibration.

“or what?” she smirks, nothing but cockiness in her stance “you’ll take away my allowance?”

“that’s it, get up” this time, both your hands slam on the table as you push back the chair you sat on and made your way to her, watching her sit calmly, waiting for you. “i said, get the fuck up jennie”

“what, you want this dress back because you bought it for me?” and there it begins, the hold of eye contact while she slips the thin straps of her dress down her shoulders, the piece of silk clothing pooling at her heels when it falls “you bought the underwear too, didn’t you?” but before she can continue her evil version of a striptease, your hand tangles in her hair and your lips with her own.

Don't hold my hand, don't beg me back, don't say that we'll make it through this

the whole argument replays in her head. the silence serves as some sort of consolation, one that you can’t provide her, even as you turn around to face her naked back and wrap your arms around her body. "i'm sorry about earlier baby, i got angry, and i said things i don’t mean”

but she doesn’t even have the energy to verbally forgive you, so jennie only nods, turning around and letting herself be pulled in by your embrace, one full of faux ‘i love you, it won’t happen again.’

she knows it will happen again, she’s certain. usually, the two of you will fuck the anger out of each other. but the arguments are too severe, and she doesn’t know if she loves you too much to do anything about it, or if she’s too tired of arguing and would rather let you get away with everything from now on, and that worries her.

don't make us saints, we're wards of pain, there's no one else to blame this time.

jennie was in no way innocent, or your victim, she had her own fits and toxic behavior, but mostly, she was possessive. and you had this one coworker, whom she always claimed wanted to get with you, when she was to find out you’d seen her today, she would lose her shit.

“i did not cheat on you for fucks sake!!” you slam your coat on the table. the keys go next, your bag was the only thing you placed nicely on the table before she started accusing you

“she posted photos y/n!! you could’ve at least tried to hide it!” she follows you as you begin to head towards your room.

“hide what? hide what jennie?! do you want me to lie to you just because you don’t like my friend? i’m wasn’t doing anything wrong!” you sigh, hands raised in both annoyance and innocence “i went for some drinks with my friend after work. nothing more, nothing less”

“she wants you! and she probably thinks she has a chance with you when you go on more dates with her than your own girlfriend!”

“for the last time. i did not and will not cheat on you. i am done with this conversation. i’m sleeping on the couch tonight”

“fuck you!” but you slam the door of your room on her face, snatching a lone pillow and blanket to sleep with

don’t change the truth, you’re not the one who gets to cry

“oh please, you’re crying?” you stare at her in awe, how she can quickly change emotions and personalities in order to gaslight you “i went to therapy for you jennie you can’t manipulate me”

“i’m sorry, i didn’t mean what i said, please forgive me baby.” it’s been days since you spoke last, the last argument had gotten a little out of hand, mostly from her side, and it had lead to the two of you avoiding each other, made easily by the spacious house you lived in.

you hate her right now, her words hurt you and you hate how she makes it so easy for you to forgive her even after that, but regardless, you cup her head with your hand and wrap your other arm around her body, embracing her and consoling her for the hurt she caused you.

but tonight i’ll be the happiest girl in the world, you’ll see, like it never happened.

you know she loves you, you know you love each other. your arguments don’t mean any other than that, but maybe you don’t love each other enough. the future can only hold much worse versions of the obstacles your relationship has provided so far, and she knows she can only hurt you so much. you know the possibilities of your relationship getting any healthier are minuscule. however, you still hold on to the good things, both of you. the memories you’ve made in your years together, the laughter, the kissing, protecting, the loving. even the times you were both there for each other, helped one another. you love each other too much to let go, even with all the arguing, the lack of trust, being together is much better than without the other, and that’s why the both of you, in the end, say i do.

#jennie imagines #jennie x reader #jennie angst #jennie fluff #blackpink x reader #blackpink imagines #blackpink x you #blackpink angst #blackpink fluff #song fic

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zarekthelordofthefries · 6 days

Text

I want to say my peace on this just to get it out of my head. Political stuff, talking about the American election and everything.

I am probably going to vote for Joe Biden. I don't feel good about it. It makes me sick to my stomach. The man is awful. Trump has the conviction to make things far worse than Biden, so if forced to pick between the two unfortunately Biden is the better choice.

I also don't think Biden is going to win. He is woefully unpopular with the right and the left both. He has demolished every single ounce of goodwill he ever earned. His greatest saving grace was being better than Trump the first time, and since then he has so thoroughly botched his own PR that it has become increasingly difficult for people to say that genuinely.

Again, I say this as someone who is probably going to vote for him. But I legitimately can't imagine being mad at someone who doesn't. I mean, mad at someone who votes for Trump, of course, fuck those people. But someone who just wants to abstain? Someone who will go to the polls and vote on everything but the presidency? How can I blame someone for that?

At this point I don't think it's unfair to say Biden is a monster. He technically doesn't support Netanyahu, but he quite obviously supports Israel. He clearly has no compunctions with supporting the occupation, displacement, and genocide of Palestinians -- he shakes his fist impotently at Netanyahu because his actions make Israel look bad, not for any ideological reasons.

He's better than Trump. Getting shot in the foot is better than getting shot in the chest. I can't blame people for not being eager to get shot in the foot.

I just think it's important to maintain perspective here. If/when Biden loses, there are people we can blame. The people to blame aren't Palestinian-Americans who can't bring themselves to vote for someone who provides the bombs killing their families. The people to blame are the Republican party (for shaping themselves into a constant looming sword of Damocles hanging over all human rights) and the Biden administration itself (for being so dedicated to violent oppression they can't even realize that everyone looks at them like the insincere supervillains they are).

We go online and we fight and we argue and we yell and what is it for? We all recognize how fucked the system is, no one even disagrees on that anymore, we're all just yelling at each other over whether taking part in the system is complicity or resistance, and the fact is it's BOTH. Harm reduction is real, but so is this America-centric egotism that looks at the election between two genocidal old men as the most important decider in this conflict.

This isn't me making a call to action. I don't care whether or not anyone votes. I'm too goddamn tired to care. Because what does it matter? What does any of our petty internet squabbling matter when people are dying? When hundreds of children have been murdered?

I am tired and I am sad and I just don't care about presidents now. I might never again. Just...be kind to each other. Think about the things you say, your priorities. Whether you tick a box on a piece of paper or not matters far less than how you actually try to help people and spread awareness, okay? Please remember that.

#i don't know if i even wanna tag this with anything #it's main purpose is venting really

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shiningwonderland · 3 months

Text

Syo Kurusu (Repeat)

Translator: Raz (twitter: agnadance)

Editor: Snail (twitter: herbert_snail)

February - Renforcer Feelings

Syo-kun has been overseas for two weeks. We've been sending text messages to each other, but I still don't know his results.

I hope that everything will go well….

Syo Kurusu: Yo!

Haruka Nanami: Syo-kun!

I run towards Syo-kun the moment I see him.

Syo Kurusu: Um… I'm back….

I feel like Syo-kun looks more mature after the two weeks he's been gone….

Haruka Nanami: Um….

SELECT THE PHRASE!

1) 元気？Are you doing well? (+0 Love +0 Music)

Syo Kurusu: Idiot. Yeah, I'm good as always.

He pokes me in the forehead.

Ahh, Syo-kun hasn't changed at all.

Even after coming back from a trip from the States, he is still the same.

2) 2週間ぶりだね。It's been two weeks. (+20 Love +0 Music)

Syo Kurusu: Yeah, it really has been. Were you lonely?

Haruka Nanami: Yeah, a little bit….

Syo Kurusu: I see. I… wanted to see you, too.

3) おかえり。Welcome back. (+20 Love +0 Music)

Syo Kurusu: This is kind of embarrassing….

Haruka Nanami: I-I see. I guess it sounds like we're newly wed or something.

Syo Kurusu: … How about I do a "I'm home!" kiss?

Haruka Nanami: Huh?!

Syo Kurusu: Idiot, I was joking. We can't kiss… at least for now. Remember?

Haruka Nanami: Y-You're right….

Haruka Nanami: Then, um…. How was it? Did you meet the doctor?

Syo Kurusu: Yeah…. My condition is rare, but there have been a couple of people with my same condition he cured through surgery.

Haruka Nanami: Then….

Will he be cured? I try to ask, but Syo-kun opens his mouth first.

Syo Kurusu: But…. I was told the chances of the surgery succeeding is 50%.

His words are cool and collected.

Haruka Nanami: 50%?

Syo Kurusu: If the surgery fails, I may die.

Haruka Nanami: That can't be….

SELECT THE PHRASE!

1) 翔くん・・・Syo-kun…. (+20 Love +0 Music)

Haruka Nanami: I… want you to be healthy and be by my side…. I don't know what to do with myself….

Syo Kurusu: Haruka…. I want to be with you always, too. But at this rate, one day….

Haruka Nanami: Syo-kun….

Syo Kurusu: Don't make that face. I'll be fine, got it?

He hugs me tightly as tears well up in my eyes.

Syo Kurusu: I was told to carefully discuss whether or not I should have surgery with my family.

I'll keep thinking about it. I don't want to make you cry…. Wait for me.

Haruka Nanami: … Okay.

2) やめよう。Don't do it. (+0 Love +0 Music)

Haruka Nanami: Up until now, you were never in danger of losing your life, right? So maybe… you don't have to take on this risk….

Syo Kurusu: No…. I’ve always had a risk of dying.

Haruka Nanami: But….

Syo Kurusu: Either way, if I do the surgery, I would have to stay overseas again for some time, but I still haven't decided what to do yet.

Haruka Nanami: Then you don't have to do it.

Syo Kurusu: This isn't something I'll decide on immediately. I'll think of something that will work out best for you and me.

Haruka Nanami: … I understand.

3) どうするの？What will you do? (+10 Love +0 Music)

Syo Kurusu: I haven't decided yet.

The doctor told me to think over it carefully. Either I undergo surgery while being aware of the risk, or give up on it and continue the way I am now.

I wonder which one would be best. How about you? What do you think I should do?

Haruka Nanami: Huh, me? I don't know…. If the surgery fails….

But… I want you to be healthy….

I can't choose either… I have no idea what's best.

I almost break into tears but Syo-kun pats me on the head.

Syo Kurusu: This isn't something that can be decided on quickly, huh? Well, there's still time so I'll keep thinking about it. Sound good to you?

Haruka Nanami: … Yeah.

I return to my room and research about Syo-kun's condition on the internet.

I read a couple of articles about it, but I'm still not sure if I should figure out what to do on my own or say something to Syo-kun….

These articles aren't giving me the answers I need.

Haruka Nanami: Haa….

I sigh to myself.

Kuppuru: Meow….

Kuppuru meows as if he's worried about me and rubs himself against my legs.

I pick him up, place him on my lap, and pet him on the head.

Haruka Nanami: Hey, Kuppuru…. What would you do?

Kuppuru: Meow?

Haruka Nanami: So there's this person I like and he's suffering from a serious health condition.

There's a way to cure him, but it's risky.

If the surgery fails, he may die….

There's only a 50% chance of success…. The same chances as flipping a coin….

I just want him to be healthy.

But… I also feel that I want him by my side, even if it means he keeps having his health condition.

Kuppuru: Meow….

Kuppuru looks at me with worry.

Haruka Nanami: … I'm fine. Don't worry about me, I'm just at a loss….

What I'm doing doesn't make sense. No matter how much I worry, nothing will change. Syo-kun is the one who has to make this decision….

Huh? Strange…. I didn't mean to start crying….

Why won't my tears stop?

I bend over on my desk and cry. Kuppuru jumps up onto the desk.

He licks my face to comfort me.

Haruka Nanami: Thank you… Kuppuru….

I end up falling asleep.

…

While I have a comforting dream, I feel a warm hand constantly rubbing my head.

Haruka Nanami: … Hm?

???: Have you awakened, my princess?

Haruka Nanami: … Who are you?

I wake up and find myself being embraced by a stranger.

He has clear eyes, hair that glistens like the feathers of a black swan, lightly tanned skin, and chiseled facial features….

This person… doesn't look Japanese.

Cecil Aijima: You can call me Cecil, my princess….

Princess…? Can this be…?

Haruka Nanami: A dream…?

Cecil Aijima: Yes, I suppose so…. This brief time where our bodies touch is just a fantasy for this one night….

Ahh, I see, this really is a dream….

Haruka Nanami: … So where did you come from?

Cecil Aijima: The country of sand…. The land of mirages and red roses…. A star overflowing with song….

Sand…. Red roses…. Star?

Haruka Nanami: Ahh, I see, you're a star prince….

Cecil Aijima: I see you call me a prince even when I am like this, my princess?

You are truly my Mana, my eternity with no falsehood.

And yet now, you are lost in the forest of mist enveloped by the deep darkness of the new moon.

As long as there is a sliver of light from a star that guides you, the mist would clear, and the flower that is your smile will bloom under the sun….

Haruka Nanami: ???

Cecil…-san gives me a look of pity.

This is a dream, right?

Cecil-san pushes up my bangs and gives me a gentle kiss on my forehead….

Wah! Wh-What kind of dream is this…?

I'm in love with Syo-kun…. Why am I dreaming about this man?

This man is a prince… a prince from a star….

Syo-kun… I'm so sorry….

Haruka Nanami: U-Um…!

When I open my mouth to speak, Cecil-san quickly pulls his lips from my forehead.

Cecil Aijima: Did you feel my aria?

Haruka Nanami: Huh?

Cecil Aijima: It is not significant, but I am sure with this that you will be blessed with protection by Sirius.

Sirius' dazzling light will be the sword that will cut down your hesitation.

When that happens, that will be when you will discover yourself.

I believe in you, your song, your heart… and the future that you deserve.

SELECT THE PHRASE!

1) 歌・・・？ Song…? (+0 Love +10 Music)

Cecil Aijima: Song…. That is the soul of Agna.

2) 心・・・？ Heart…? (+0 Love +10 Music)

Cecil Aijima: A sea filled with tears does not suit your heart, which holds an irreplaceable, cherished galaxy hidden deep within.

3) 未来・・・？ Future…? (+0 Love +10 Music)

Cecil Aijima: Though darkness paves your way, your future holds precious moments for you to attain.

Hesitation clouds the sound. A beautiful song cannot be brought forth.

Cecil Aijima: Is this the time for you to weave words? No.

If you must show what is in your heart through sound and music, then the answer has been decided.

Am I wrong?

Haruka Nanami: Um….

I feel like I'm getting the gist of what he's trying to say. Show my heart through song?

Cecil Aijima: … Clouds are covering the moon…. It seems that my time with you is coming to an end.

Cecil-san kisses my eyelids.

Cecil Aijima: I hope… your sound reaches him.

I feel his lips leave me. I open my eyes and see that Cecil-san is no longer with me.

Haruka Nanami: So he really was a dream? Even so, that was very strange…. Right, Kuppuru?

Kuppuru: Meow!

Haruka Nanami: "I hope your sound reaches him"....

I whisper his words to myself and start writing on my music sheet.

The next day, Syo-kun and I start practicing for the graduation audition.

Syo-kun looks cheerful as always.

But….

He's… pushing himself, isn't he?

Haruka Nanami: …

I stop the song without a word.

Syo Kurusu: What's wrong? Don't stop the song midway, I can still keep going.

Haruka Nanami: We should stop for today, Syo-kun. You're… pushing yourself too far.

Syo Kurusu: You're worrying too much. I haven't even sung for an hour. Usually I go for two….

Haruka Nanami: I can tell when I listen to you sing.

If you keep pushing yourself too much, you'll break your body and won't be able to sing anymore.

Syo Kurusu: I won't break…. That won't ever happen.

Haruka Nanami: I know that you try very hard, Syo-kun. You try harder than anybody else, but….

SELECT THE PHRASE!

1) ひとりで頑張らないで。Don't try doing this alone. (+20 Love +5 Music)

Haruka Nanami: Once you get up on stage, you're on your own. I can't do anything to help you.

But now…. At least for now, I have the means to help you….

Syo Kurusu: Thank you. If something happens, I'll tell you. I'll be in your hands.

2) 無理はしないで。Don't strain yourself. (+10 Love +0 Music)

Syo Kurusu: This is my body. I know myself the best. I haven't gone too far yet.

You're by my side, so I can do my best. It'll be okay, so smile for me. Don't make that face.

3) 自分を大切にして。Take care of yourself. (+0 Love +0 Music)

Syo Kurusu: I'm taking care of myself….

Haruka Nanami: Then please realize when you're not in good shape.

You must take breaks. If you collapse again….

Syo Kurusu: I won't collapse! I won't collapse ever again!

Haruka Nanami: Syo-kun….

Several days pass by.

Syo-kun has been coming to practice everyday, but he has been looking pale and tired.

I want him to tell me if he has any worries. I want to do my best for him….

But no matter how many times I ask him, he keeps telling me that he's okay….

Then, one day….

I wake up earlier than usual and head to the academy without much thought.

Drip, drip.

The drizzle that had started when I left the dorm has suddenly becomes a downpour.

The large raindrops beat down on me.

Haruka Nanami: Aaah…. I have to get to the classroom as soon as I can….

I run forward and notice….

Syo Kurusu: Huff, huff, huff, huff….

Syo-kun is running towards me.

Haruka Nanami: Syo-kun…. Why…?

Syo-kun is running in the courtyard without an umbrella and dressed in a jersey….

Haruka Nanami: S-Syo-kun…. Why are you….

Syo Kurusu: Nothing much… Just running….

He brushes off my concerns, but his breathing is ragged and his face is red as if he has a fever.

Haruka Nanami: Running? In this rain? That's too much!

Syo Kurusu: It doesn't matter if it's raining or not…. So just….

He staggers.

Haruka Nanami: Syo-kun! Just stop!

I swiftly embrace him and we both sit down on the ground.

Haruka Nanami: Have you… been doing this this entire time? All by yourself?

Syo Kurusu: I've… just been worried…. I'm not a genius like Natsuki….

The only thing I can do is keep trying…. But I can't even try this hard if I'm in poor health… with this defective heart….

Ugh… ahh… haa, haa, haa, haa….

His breaths are shallow and rapid, his heart is beating rapidly, and his cheeks are burning red.

Syo Kurusu: … Why am I like this…. All I did was run a little….

Why…. A normal person wouldn't find this hard at all…. DAMN IT!

Syo-kun slams his fist on the ground in frustration.

Haruka Nanami: Syo-kun, let's go back to the dorm….

Syo Kurusu: … No. I don't… want to lose anymore.

Haruka Nanami: … What do you mean by "lose"? What do you want to win?

Syo Kurusu: … I'm scared…. Every time I run and start hurting, I'm just given a painful reminder that I'm not normal….

There have been times I thought… how jealous I am of normal people…. Why am I the only one like this? But I know…

… Thinking like that isn't going to help me at all…. I can't keep going forward…. So that's why I've lived so recklessly and kept running….

I keep running and running…. I become so scared of stopping…. I feel like my very soul will break….

Haruka Nanami: … Syo-kun.

My words won't reach Syo-kun right now, but if I were to sing him a song….

I sing all my feelings I have for Syo-kun deep in my heart.

Syo Kurusu: Haruka…. That song….

Haruka Nanami: This isn't a song, these are my feelings. Did my heart reach you?

Syo Kurusu: … Yeah. It reached me right here….

Syo-kun points at his chest.

Syo Kurusu: Haruka, I'm… I really am scared of dying…. There have been many times up until now where I thought that maybe this is when I die, and I prepared myself ….

I've never been so scared of death as I do now…. Isn't it strange? I've always told myself to get stronger, and yet…. I'm so scared.

I want to live longer. I want to keep living, living with you!

Haruka Nanami: If that's so, then stop hurting yourself…. I'll accept both your fear and your strength to keep going….

I love all of you, Syo-kun. I want you to share everything with me. Am I not good enough to support you?

Syo Kurusu: Haruka…. Thank you….

Syo-kun grips onto my arm and cries silently.

Haruka Nanami: Don't hold back…. Cry. You can cry….

I'll embrace all your tears and negative feelings.

We can get through this together, so… please let it all out. I want you to share your pain.

Syo Kurusu: Haruka…. Haruka! Please… stay by my side, always!

As the rain pours down on us, Syo-kun loudly sobs into my chest.

I squeeze him tightly in my arms.

Afterwards, Syo-kun and I walk back to his dorm room as I support him.

Due to his fever, I conclude that he needs assistance and I call the school to let them know that we will both be absent.

Haruka Nanami: We have been allowed to take a break from class, so I'll take care of you all day today.

Syo Kurusu: … I'm sorry about that. Today, you were supposed to have a special one-on-one lesson with the teacher, right? You were looking forward to it….

Haruka Nanami: Yeah, but…. I explained the situation and he let me change the day, so it's fine.

Syo Kurusu: I see….

Haruka Nanami: I'll change your towel….

I squeeze a towel that has been soaking in ice water and exchange it with the lukewarm towel on Syo-kun's forehead.

Syo Kurusu: Hey…. Is it okay for me to hold your hand?

Syo-kun takes out his hand from under his blanket and glances at me.

Haruka Nanami: Of course.

I place both of my hands around his.

Syo Kurusu: Thanks. For some reason when I'm with you, I feel calmer….

I'm no Natsuki but… maybe physical contact really is important….

If he feels better just by holding hands, I wonder if hugging him will make him feel even better….

I want him to recover as soon as possible….

Haruka Nanami: … Should I sleep in your bed with you?

Syo-kun jumps up in bed in shock.

Syo Kurusu: Y-YOU IDIOT, what are you saying?! *cough cough cough*

Syo-kun coughs violently.

Haruka Nanami: S-Syo-kun! You need to lie down.

I panic and place my hand on his shoulder to push him back down, but….

Hug!

Syo-kun embraces me.

Haruka Nanami: Syo-kun…. Um…. If you don't go back under your blanket, you'll get cold….

Syo Kurusu: Sorry…. Stay like this a little longer…. I'll be okay, you're warm….

Haruka Nanami: … This is a little embarrassing.

Syo Kurusu: Idiot. This is way less embarrassing than sleeping together with me. Put up with it.

Haruka Nanami: O-Okay….

Syo Kurusu: … The sound of your heart comforts me….

Haruka Nanami: … I'm honored.

Syo Kurusu: Idiot…. You're an idiot sometimes, but… you really are dependable.

Haruk: Syo-kun….

Syo Kurusu: … It's okay to depend on others if you can't do it alone….

Haruka Nanami: Huh…?

Syo Kurusu: When I've been fighting tooth and nail everyday to the point of collapsing, you've been always watching my back….

Haruka Nanami: That's….

Syo Kurusu: It's the lyrics to the opening song for Fighting Prince. My idol Ryuya Hyuga wrote those lines.

Seems like I had a partner who always got my back too…. I just realized way too late.

Haruka Nanami: You're not late at all! I'll be protecting you as long as I'm able!

Syo Kurusu: Idiot, you got our positions reversed. I'm the one who'll protect you. Maybe not now, but one day. I'll become a man that can protect you.

Haruka Nanami: Syo-kun….

Several days pass.

Syo-kun and I are invited to watch a recording of Song Station.

Syo Kurusu: Whoa! So this is a studio….

Syo-kun looks around the studio in awe, his eyes sparkling.

The room is far bigger and the ceiling much higher than what is shown on TV.

The set has been prepared with many cameras placed all over the room.

I imagined this is what this is what it would look like, but….

Seeing the real deal is so exciting!

Ryuya Hyuga: Oh, you're here.

Haruka Nanami: We have humbly received the invitation you have so graciously bestowed upon us.

Ryuya Hyuga: No need to be so formal about it. I'll be singing for the first time in a while, so relax and take a look around.

Syo Kurusu: HUH?! I thought you weren't going to sing live anymore….

Ryuya Hyuga: Normally, yeah. I turn down going to lives.

Syo Kurusu: Then why?

Ryuya Hyuga: Today's special…. It's the second anniversary of his death.

This is something like… a memorial for him.

I just want to sing a song for him but… this is probably the last time I'll sing one of his songs.

Syo Kurusu: …

Ryuya Hyuga: So this is most likely the last chance you can hear Ryuya Hyuga sing live.

You've wanted to hear me sing, right? Take a good look at how I live, kid!

Hyuga-sensei pats Syo-kun on the head, lifts his hand lightly, turns around and walks towards the set.

Syo Kurusu: … He remembered me….

"Take a good look at how I live, kid!"

He said the same line to me when I first met him!

… I can't believe it…. Why didn't you tell me that you remembered me? Idiot!

Scrunching his face in joy, Syo-kun looks like he's about to burst into tears at any moment.

It's Hyuga-sensei's turn now.

Hyuga-sensei's song is so cool. He’s really an admirable adult.

Syo-kun's eyes stay glued on Hyuga-sensei the entire time he's singing, without a pause to blink.

Syo Kurusu: Hey, Haruka…. I'm sure that I want to become like him after all.

Haruka Nanami: Mm-hm.

Syo Kurusu: I refuse to be half-assed.

I want to be an idol that's so amazing that I can dye the entire space in my own color, just like him.

I can't stay the way I am if I want to achieve that.

Haruka Nanami: I see.

Syo Kurusu: If we win the graduation audition, I'll go to the States and undergo surgery.

SELECT THE PHRASE!

1) 応援するっ！I support you! (+0 Love +5 Music)

Haruka Nanami: I won't stop you if that's what you decided! Let's do our best for the audition!

Syo Kurusu: Yeah!

2) うん。I see. (+20 Love +0 Music)

Syo Kurusu: Our first obstacle is the graduation audition. If we don't win, there won't be any point. You'll fight with me, right?

Haruka Nanami: Yes!

3) 絶対治るよ。You'll definitely recover! (+15 Love +0 Music)

Haruka Nanami: We'll win the graduation audition, you'll cure yourself, then finally… we’ll debut together.

I grip Syo-kun's hand.

Syo Kurusu: Yeah.

Syo-kun grips my hand back.

We begin practicing for the graduation audition.

MINI GAME

Ryuya Hyuga: It's almost time for the graduation audition…. How's your song going? There aren't many more chances for me to give you advice anymore, though.

Because there's only a few chances left, I'll help you out with your song to the best of my ability. Let me hear your song.

Your song has been nearing completion slowly but surely. I'm sure performing it has become more difficult, but be sure to treat every music note with care.

Okay, let's begin. Music, start!

S RANK

Syo Kurusu: No matter how painful or tough things may get, I want to do my best with you. I refuse to do this without you. Will you follow me?

Haruka Nanami: Yes, I'll go anywhere with you.

Chapter End

#utapri #syo repeat #syo kurusu

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hotforharrison · 3 months

Text

I've been exclusively posting new Harrison content and nothing about me personally for quite some time now, but I just kind of wanted to... talk to the void, I guess. It's been rough lately.

The end of December leading up to the shit show that was my birthday on New Year's Eve, and now into 2024, has not shown me any kindness.

Seeing my husband happily in love with his girlfriend while our marriage spirals around the drain into divorce has been really difficult, one of the hardest things I've gone through in my life.

He says that he wants to work things out and have both of us, which is what I want as well, but his actions speak differently most of the time.

She lives nearby and gets surprise cookies and hugs when she's feeling sad. On multiple occasions, I've gotten left alone in my room in tears.

They talk on the phone more in a single day than he and I did in the entire two weeks I was visiting my family out of state for my high school reunion.

I want so much to be in love and happy again, which I haven't been in quite some time. I'm not sure that it's going to happen with him as much as I want it to. I usually feel like we're on a sinking boat, and I'm trying to use a cup to throw out water to try desperately to keep it afloat, even though it's ultimately futile.

As per the marriage counselor's suggestion, we're being more intentional about our time together, like we're dating again.

Although I'm unable to leave the house right now for anything that isn't absolutely essential (I'll get to that in a minute), we've been having movie nights every Wednesday with phones put away and paying attention to the movie and each other.

We haven't done anything "special" together as a couple in what's honestly been years, and we're going to go to either Kemah Boardwalk or Galveston hopefully the week of April 15, depending on whether it's safe for me to walk that much at that point.

I'm not holding my breath that it's going to ultimately help us reconnect enough to improve things, but I'm hoping it's a step in the right direction of getting there.

We've been polyamorous since 2015, but I haven't dated or been looking for someone to date since 2016, or even just hook up with for that matter. My husband has had a number of girlfriends and partners over the years, which I'm completely fine with.

It's been a sort of mono-poly relationship for the past almost 8 years, but entirely by my own choosing. He didn't influence that at all and actually encouraged me to date again if it's what I wanted to do.

And I am going to go down that rabbit hole hopefully later this year, which is very nerve-wracking.

I know it's absolutely not a requirement for dating, and shallow people who would only date someone who is under a certain weight aren't great partners, but I want to lose a lot of weight before I start looking again. It will help me feel better about myself, and self-confidence is an attractive quality.

Right now, I honestly don't even want to be undressed in front of my husband who I started dating in 2007, so him seeing me undressed is nothing new. I view myself as "fat and disgusting," even though I've known women who weigh as much or more than I do right now who were very attractive and had no trouble dating.

My husband said I carry the weight very well and don't need to be down to some arbitrary number that I come up with to date again, which I wanted to be under 200. He asked how much I weighed when we started dating. I weighed around 260 then, and I understood his point.

I started actively trying to lose weight on September 22 of last year, because there's no reason to wait until some specific date like a New Year's resolution. September 22 was as good a day as any.

I was about 12 lbs shy of my highest weight ever, which was 352.8 lbs, at 340.6. As of January 16, I'd lost over 30 lbs since the end of September and weighed in at 307.1. I'm 5'9, so a tall girly, and my tentative goal is 175. It's subject to change based on my desired goal clothing size, which is a 10. (I don't want to stop shopping at Torrid, and they go down to a 10 at the lowest.)

Anyway, I broke my right leg and severely sprained my left ankle when I fell in a parking lot the day before Thanksgiving in 2022, which halted my weight loss efforts in 2022 and led to me regaining most of the weight I'd lost then.

The amount of damage I did to myself from just falling in a parking lot was pretty impressive. Ironically, I did not break the glass bottles of hard cider I was carrying, only myself.

The broken leg healed perfectly over the course of a few months or so, but because I still had to use the other leg as my main weight bearing side, it didn't get to properly heal like it should have. My sprained ankle's ligaments were very loose. The ankle kept collapsing over the course of 2023, through a round of physical therapy, and I just kept spraining my ankle over and over again whenever I tried to do more demanding things like working out. Being more active is very important to weight loss and health, so it was really frustrating.

Eventually, after trying to work out one too many times and foolishly not allowing the injury enough time to "heal," (and I use the term "heal" loosely because it never actually did and just became increasingly damaged) I ended up in putting myself into an immobilizing boot full time because of the collapsing extending itself into normal walking.

The first round of physical therapy made no difference, and I did a consultation with a different physical therapy place to see what they said. After going over my situation and having an assessment of my ankle with the physical therapist, I asked if he were in my shoes what he would choose to do. He said that if it were him, he'd do the surgery and follow it up with physical therapy to regain strength and balance.

So I had the surgery to fix it once and for all on January 19. (I was hoping to have the surgery ASAP, but couldn't do it in December like I originally hoped. My insurance was changing in January.)

The injury was apparently worse than the doctor initially thought it was, and I haven't been able to put any weight at all on it since then. I had been very much hoping to be able to put some weight on it again at my 3 week follow up, but no dice. I've been stuck exclusively on a knee scooter cart and crutches for over 5 weeks now. It's been such a struggle, in so many ways.

I've left the house literally 3 times since I got home after the surgery. Two follow up appointments with the foot and ankle doctor, and an interesting session of marriage counseling while I was drugged out of my mind on prescription painkillers. I honestly don't remember much of it, or that week in general. I was very happy to transition to ibuprofen and acetaminophen after the first week post-op.

I haven't been able to weigh myself since my last weigh in before the surgery on January 16, which is taking a very, very heavy toll on me and my mental health.

I've been having recurring nightmares about getting back on the scale and weighing more than I ever have in my life -- like 70+ lbs more than I did when I last weighed myself in January. I know rationally that I've actually lost weight and am very likely under 300 lbs now, but there's still this deep, nauseating fear that I'm wrong and weigh more than I ever did.

My husband assures me that he can tell that I've lost weight, but it doesn't feel real to me with my skewed perception -- like my brain tells me that the clothes that fit differently were obviously messed up while they were being washed and just ended up stretched out somehow.

I took measurements of my body when I started losing weight in September, and as of a week or so ago, I've lost 7" in my bust and hips and 5" in my waist. My brain tries to convince me that I just measured myself wrong in September, like I could somehow measure myself wrong with over 7" of difference with the exact same tape measure.

It makes no logical sense.

I have another follow up appointment with the foot and ankle doctor on Monday morning and get to find out if I can put weight on my left leg again after some x-rays to check my healing progress. (That makes me nervous because I still have some prominent bruises on one of my thighs that I had on January 20. They've gone from purple to brown, but they're still very obvious. It's supposed to take 2 weeks for bruises to go away. Not 5+.)

I really don't know that I can handle having to wait even longer to weigh myself again and start the process of getting back to walking and eventually working out.

I want so desperately to be able to make progress toward my goals instead of just miserably stagnating here.

I want to lose the weight. I want to be healthier. I want to feel better about myself. I want to have the chance to finally figure out things with my husband, even if the conclusion we ultimately come to isn't what I'm hoping for. I want to find a nice guy to date. I just want to move forward, actually live my life.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, I guess?

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lesbianspeedy · 1 year

Note

Connor has called Ollie solely "dad" since Quiver why is he calling him "Ollie" now 😭😭😭

This is mean but I laughed out loud when Connor said Tim was the first person he talked about when he was figuring out being ace years ago. Lol. Lmao even. Tumblr really gaslit that poor writer into thinking Connor and Tim had an actual friendship with all their clamoring about him being with the wrong Bat huh. "Where were you?" GEE I didn't know you had to give daily updates to that one kid you teamed up a few times and had some friendly banter with. I love queer solidarity and the whole thing about us finding each other before we even know we're queer but. NO Connor would not have talks about his sexuality with Tim. Cmooooon you're telling me the first person he'd talk to about being ace wouldn't be Kyle "you can tell me if you're gay, Connor" Rayner?

At least that "this is just another thing me and Ollie don't have in common" anxiety is something already established. Like, that's basically the same thing he says to Roy when Roy takes him to that strip club even if it's an issue by Winick (do you ever stop to think about how unintentionally well laid out Connor being ace is and lose your mind a little bit?)

I'm just. Really sad about how Ollie and Connor's relationship is being presented to this new generation of readers. It's like we regressed to the time Ollie was dead, ya know? And I don't like Connor solely for his relationship with his dad, I want him to be a character on his own. But I can't help but being saddened by how he is losing his relationship with everyone that matters. For better or for worse, at least the new GA series is gonna have him interacting with his family (but what about Kyle, Eddie, Jansen and Moonday, ya know?)

The thing is that the story is good and I like its message. It just... Could be with any other character

im tempted to post this without an "answer" because its really well laid out and deserves to be a post on it's own. but i just rlly like ur points and want to interact with them so.

i think there were a few times between quiver and now where he interchangebly used dad and ollie but i get what you're saying, referring to him like hes estranged still was odd.

i totally agree, the idea of queer solidarity is important and should be shown, but i think this was a weird choice to go with. i think the most intimate (from my memory, i havent reread connor's run in a while) question connor ever asked tim was whether batman was his dad (at that time the answer was still no, as jack hadn't been killed yet). and that was only asked because connor was still his charmingly-awful-at-secret-identities-self. the part of their limited friendship that was interesting was the dynamic of new-sidekick-legacy meets new-main-legacy (for lack of a better descriptor), both struggling to uphold what they thought was expected of them. they never got to really advance from that stage of knowing each other to being at a place where they are friends out of costume, let alone discuss their SEXUALITIES.

i agree that the not being in common thing was a nice nod to past character complexities, though it felt slightly like it was the writer genuinely believing that to be true, and not just a rehash of connor's complicated feelings.

i know, its a weird stage we're at now, the resistence to fully accepting the connor that came from the end of his green arrow run, not just the beginning of it. by the end he had come to peace with being green arrow, and not being his father but that being okay. and that's not to say this is all the current writers fault (though williamson has done absolutely no favours with his writing), as winick and krul absolutely demolished any character connor had for their angst and whatever. (remember when connor aggressively yelled at mia for complaining about being stalked by zatanna without being told? or when after being turned into plastic and losing his memories he then decided he hated buddhism and oliver?). (not to mention the seperation from eddie jansen moonday kyle and. despite all of this complaining. tim cass and steph. winick set this precident and i will never forgive him)

i agree, it had good framework, and it couldve been a much more cohesive story if they. had just not used this friendship.

#connor hawke #green arrow #dc comics

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elegyofthemoon · 2 months

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yoohoo! i remember you had a robin pfp somewhat recently, so... could you do the character bingo with her?

YEAH I WAS VERY EXCITED TO MEET ROBIN WHEN PENACONY WAS FIRST RELEASING !! she, firefly, and misha were the ones i was most excited to meet :D so to celebrate I had Robin as the theme of my blog for a little while ^ w ^

blank character bingo

uhh to be safe! i shall put this under the cut but some hsr 2.0 spoilers :D (ik we're on 2.1 rn but still! to be safe!!)

i'd like to stress on the SQUEAK panel because the way that the ending of 2.0 had me go insane that i 100% all areas in penacony in hopes to find clues about WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY GIRL NOOOOOOOOOO WHAT THE HELL

I refused to accept that she died and wanted to understand WHAT happened which inevitably turned into me searching and finishing all the missions in Penacony and 😭 I still have zero idea what happened. and I mean. technically 2.1 gave us the answer about what happened, but that doesn't explain how people die in this dream when usually if people die, they just wake up back in the Reverie

SO WHAT HAPPENED TO ROBIN??????

I think she's really interesting though, even if we only get to know her through word of mouth - which is. kinda fitting for an idol like her. You only know her image, not the person she is. You could even meet her former teacher who envies Robin stealing her spotlight, and how Singer mentions that Robin and The Family had some argument or conflict between each other. It made me wonder if that's the reason why she left to be a Galaxy known singer rather than staying in Penacony since she only came back because of that.

Hmm... Now that I'm here. There was this thing about Robin being an Emanator for Harmony because she was said to be blessed by Xipe themself for such a talented voice and how Penacony was just Obsessed with Robin to the point that uhhh I forgot her name but the NPC who follows Idrila was just sick of being under Robin's shadow as well.

If Robin had gotten into a fight with The Family, I wonder if her leaving and returning may have been the cause for her voice to be Weird (I don't understand), getting her powers revoked and all that.

All this next to her song "If I Can Stop One Heart from Breaking" really fits the "bird in a cage" imagery that her splash art has WHICH MAKES ME ADORE HER ALL THE MORE I LOVE BIRD IN A CAGE IMAGERY SM (SHAKES HER)

The other thing I did while coping was start questioning "why is it that Firefly and Robin had to die in this?" I mean, albeit, both deaths have different modus operandi, where Firefly's body dissipated (which is what I anticipate will happen too with Sunday's) and Robin's didn't. And I reflected a bit more on Firefly's monologue regarding why do people dream/sleep, in which the answer was "because they're afraid to wake up." That whole scene was played out with Robin's song in the background which ALSO is all about how with no other choice, the character of the song has no choice but to dream of freedom that they weren't given -- to not face that reality.

Put both of those together -- that Firefly and Robin both stood for the freedom dreams can give and that both characters wind up dying in 2.0 -- I sorta thought about the dream of Penacony crashing down entirely.

But maybe it's also that having both die is just the counter to this question that hangs over Penacony arc: Why do people sleep? since it repeats itself too in 2.1 :]

So I just. I like Robin through the things I've collected about her but also what she may have stood for in the realm of the Penacony arc in its entirety.

I really hope to pull for her when she does come out though :D I was supposed to save my guarantee after losing on Luocha for her but I pulled Acheron asdklfajh So we'll see if I can get her. Ik I'm excited to read more about her character story. And also know whether or not she's actually dead or is that a fake body that we saw.

#when i said infodump #i really mean. im reaaaaally infodumping my speculations and thoughts. weehee #avil plays hsr #jokingly. and with caution. never ask me about my fave characters. theres always an essay locked and loaded ready to fire AKDJFAHLKDSJFH #HEAVY BREATHES OK DONE (<- written after i exhausted all thoughts on robin aslkdjfhaksdl)#answered #thanks friend !!

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mye-chi · 1 year

Text

So for completely unrelated reasons I've jotted down every character I could think of who's had a romantic moment with Aphmau including each individual scene. Each were chosen because they've either:

canonically have crushed on her at any point in time

regardless of other whether it can be defined as solely romantic, has flirted with her or expressed interest in dating

is given a "ship tease" moment where, even if there's no pay-off, clearly was meant to be romantically charged

overall, their relationship or actions cannot be written off as platonic

Predatory interest shall be excluded (as in its considered creepy within the narrative, for example balto's flirting in pdh or mys garroth/laurance stalking her, as opposed to say gene or travis which is treated as romantic) along most of the non-consensual kissing scenes.

If anyone wants to add onto this then please be my guest! Anyway, in no particular order...

1. Garroth

Her soulmate who finds her in every universe yet is destined for an unrequited love (its not cute every time but what is an aphverse fan if not delusional?)

Revealed to be the reincarnation of Esmund who was previously inlove with Irene

Gifted her a wedding ring and a wreath of flowers [Water Cats]

Stood on an alter with her and implied he was going to offer he'd like to one day marry her [Wedding On The Docks / Sacrifice Made]

The Catching Scene™ [Fallen Angel]

Immediately took off his helm for Aphmau after previously struggling with it [Guard Upgrades]

Not technically romantic but man Aphmau was going through it trying to get Garroth back from the sleep dimension. Kept trying to sleep to see him and mentioned how much she missed him :(

They hugged. The circumstances were romantic and she was dressed as his dead brother but I needed to archive it [Zane LIVES]

You ever think about how in Rebirth, Garroth swore he'd protect Aphmau and afterward she tells him he "looks familiar" because she's reminded of Esmund doing the same. You ever— [New World]

Blushed while holding her hand [The Village of Pheonix Drop]

Went on a haunted house date with her which ended on Aphmau falling ontop him, implication he would've tried to kiss her if not interrupted [Haunted House and Fall-ing For You]

Fainted after she wore Lucinda's witch dress [Happy Halloween!]

"A-absolutely, I mean like in the way I'm thinking of which is not to say I couldn't protect you and a family NOT THAT I'm thinking about that kind of thing but like in the future when things get better with Zane and all that crazy stuff is over..." [Dinner After Movie]

Tried to marry her [Find Your True Love]

Kissed her multiple times but those were all non-consensual so we're just going to squeeze past that

2. Laurance

Less of a horrendously down bad loser compared to Garroth but only because he's better at hiding it

His introduction began with confessing his love [The Admirer]

Convinced Zane that he was instead engaged to Aphmau and called her "the love of his life" [The Baby Shower Pt. 2]

The Table Scene™ [Guard Upgrades]

Jokingly asks if Garroth is coming between their marriage [Another Statue?]

"HAVE AT YOU POISON IVY THIS CAMP SPOT IS PERFECT FOR A ROMANTIC EVENING!" [A Friend In Need]

Laurance tells Aphmau she looks beautiful in a moonlight and she mistakes him for trying to kiss her [A Magical Showdown]

"I am a Knight of Shadows... I remember that you were my light in the darkness, for that I want to thank you. Even if you don't end up with me... if I lose you to someone else... ..Please don't leave me? I just want you in my life, even if you are a star I'll never be able to help shine." [The Smile of Alexis]

Aphmau waltzed down an aisle in order to kiss Laurance [The Vows We Take] — this was non-consensual and is problematic under scrutiny... but also incredibly iconic for every nine year old who watched it so I'm slotting it in anyway.

This was apparently our casonova's first kiss [My Golden Friend]

Aphmau rushes into him and he falls ontop her, blushing madly [They Travel From Far]

"You can lean on my shoulder :3" [The Wind At Sea]

Pinned her to a tree. Yeah. [Sons of Pheonix Drop]

Waited for her after detention and offered to walk her home which she accepted [Alone With Him]

Went on a park date together [Weekend Friends]

Carved out a heart inside a pumpkin for her and then winks [Happy Halloween!]

3. Zane

Genuinely funny how Zane went from Jess ironically shipping them to being a contendor for Aphmau's biggest simp

Stood together under the mistletoe and Aphmau kissed him on the cheek [How The Zane Stole Christmas]

Upon seeing her in a maid costume, stuttered while calling her cute [Maid For The Job]

The two of them had to pretend to be a couple [Don't Tell Mom! Pt. 1]

During this time he said she looked like an angel in her new dress [Don't Tell Aaron! Pt. 2]

Upon Travis implying he was also inlove with Aphmau, Zane said he only wanted to be her "one and only friend." Sir a few sentences before this you wanted to fight to the death for her. [Aphmau In Love]

Blushed alongside Aaron when Aphmau wore a revealing cosplay (the other boys were unphased) [A-Con 2016]

Zane has a flashback of being a baby and he remembers being held by Aphmau, then blushes. [Laurance's Baby Brother]

The two of them share a hug, which Zane later declines when Kawaii~Chan asks for one [Aphmau In Trouble]

Technically not romantic but Aphmau's "biggest fear" was marrying him, and thus we have an image of these two kissing at their wedding [Haunted House]

Also not technically romantic but Kawaii~Chan outright asks Aphmau if she'd date Zane if he wasn't evil [Slumber Party!]

4. Dante

Look at my children I love them so much

Malachi created an illusion inwhich the two of them shared a kiss [Our Fears]

Not romantic but he stated the two of them "could've been something" if he didn't currently see as a sister (and didn't have like an entire family but okay) [Puppy Love]

Jessica wrote smut of them. Which is like, good for her, y'know? She's an adult woman and it's her own characters I genuinely don't see the fuss. Atleast this Aphmau was an adult.

5. Travis

Revealed to be the reincarnation of Enki who was inlove with Irene. Unlike Garroth it doesn't necessarily mean he's inlove with Aphmau but like... everyone is inlove with Aphmau.

His introduction was immediately flirting with her and trying tricking her into kissing him (considering the inspiration for his last name and the other dialogue options were urging Aphmau to kiss him I'm assuming this was meant to be a "playful" hence its slot) [Cursed At Sea]

*He kneels down and kisses Aphmau's hand.* "Aphmau, I humbly ask to become a loyal guard to the Phoenix Alliance." [The Divine Relic]

Upon Abby proposing it, Travis agreed that Aph and him should date [Mr. and Mrs. Travis]

6. Katelyn

LITERALLY LOOK AT THEM

"The only thing I have love for is punching things... that and Aphmau... I'm her protector afterall." [Spa Day]

Lucinda ask Katelyn if she is jealous she's holding Aphmau, which Katelyn becomes flustered and denies [The Girl's Contest]

An episode later she pretends Aphmau is her girlfriend, agrees to kiss her without hesitation, and tells her to "pucker up, gorgeous" [Aphmau In Love]

Their "compliment fight" which was just shamelessly flirting with eachother [Kai's Angel] 7. Zoey

She was literally her wife

Awaited at the docks with Levin to greet Aphmau when she came back to Pheonix Drop [Coming Home]

She took care of the children with her

Fellas is it gay for a woman to give up her immortality for another woman? [Welcome To Pheonix Drop]

8. Gene

Was clearly jealous during the music video [You Will Always Be The One]

Sylvanna introduced him as the "perfect man Aphmau could date" [Mommy's Surprise]

Said it was nice Aphmau wanted his company. She was the first one he felt comfortable enough to talk to about his kitten dying [Zane's Rival]

After her dog transformation was undone, Aphmau fell ontop of him [Barking Up The Wrong Tree]

Went on a movie date in the Upside Down universe which ends in a kiss [Evil Aphmau]

look at every single minigames episode he was in

9. Kai

This guy speedrun the "Viable love interest to Aphmau" -> "Create a reason he sucks so that he doesn't get in the way of Aarmau" pipeline 😔

Literally every episode he was in was ship bait until its randomly revealed he liked Katelyn, and "he can't take Aphmau romantically because finds her annoying but wants a girlfriend anyway."

Justice for guy

10. Reese

I couldn't find an image of him with Aphmau sob...

Its revealed he's inlove with Aphmau and Polly [The Hot Princes]

Quite sure Modzilla was too but I'm not willing to check

11. Brenden

Best friends 💕💕💕

Anyway you can imagine how much I started to writhe on the floor having Brendan flirts with Aphmau. Like he's done it before but this particular scene made me wince and therefore I needed to archive it [The Big Move]

13. ...Ein

I'm not listing anything for this guy

Genuinely nothing against you Ein enjoyers you guys deserved so much better than that "red herring" incest subplot

#“Whoring aphmau's character” my good sir there's atleast 7 other characters canonically inlove with her #There's definitely people and scenes I'm missing but I cannot think of them rn #Aphmau #Aphverse #( 🍰 ) ⸻ frills thoughts

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monstersinthecosmos · 4 months

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All those extracts from books Anne was planning to write at some point are making me sad

I feel like I'm grieving an alternative universe in which she decided to ahead and write those instead of what we got

Does that make sense?

The whole war against humanity and the Talamasca sounds so cool, and if she had kept the pool of characters smaller as apparently she originally planned maybe we could have had them actually interacting with each other and having conversations and opinions about each other which is something I always wished he could get in canon

It does make sense!!! But I want to offer an alternate way to think about this: The canon is canon and it ended with her death, and that's all any of us might have ever known about. It's such a gift that we were able to see these EXTRA BITS. It's all gravy, baby!

Like of course there's some tragic aspect to ANY creator who dies before saying everything they have to say, we can wonder this about any author or painter or filmmaker, anybody. This is part of what makes grief so hard when you lose even your regular folks in your life--you grieve what they could have become, how much more they could've done, where your relationship might have gone. It's one of those painful parts of life that we just need to sit with. And so if you're sad about it, that's perfectly healthy, it's okay. It's okay to be sad. I remember the night Anne Rice died I started bawling when I realized I'd never get more canon Armand.

But I do like to think of all these extras as bonuses. This is a gift. And she's someone who had HUGE universes in her mind, like she had entire families and storylines that she never even wrote down because it was too expansive. This was a wildly imaginative person. It's natural that we only scratched the surface.

I think it's so cool to see all these stray ideas, though, even if we don't consider them canon. It gives us so much insight to the way she thought of her character, and who she thought they were, the way she operated them even if it was stuff that got scrapped later. And VC in particular is obviously such a divisive series, and as time goes on and the ideas get more and more outdated I think we're going to continue to have so many conversations about the authorial intent and what the fuck she meant. So this is a really excellent piece of inisght.

The ironic thing too!!!! Is that like, she famously quit using an editor after QOTD, and fandom has complained about that for years and years. I know it was once expressed like, imagine how much better the books could have been and what we could have had! (I disagree lol but, the point stands. Imagine!) That's what you're doing, imagining what else we might have gotten!!!

Who knows!

Anyway, yeah it's a bummer! And I have so many questions I wish we could ask her!!! I hope you spend time with all the new bits of text and develop it for yourself, though, whether it's a headcanon or if you wanma write fic or whatever you wanna do with it. She left it to us, it's ours now!

#the skateboard of shakespeare 🛹

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