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nightcoremoon · 3 years

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it's evident people haven't watched enough kids media to adequately understand just what constitutes a kids show as opposed to a show that kids can watch and be entertained by

when I was a kid I watched king of the hill and blues clues (among other things). king of the hill is NOT a kids show by any stretch of the imagination; it is an adult animation, replete with fairly heavy subject matter, sexual themes, political humor, cultural references that kids won't understand, discussion of religion in the modern day, depression and suicidal thoughts, adultery, puberty and sexual awakenings, body image, propane, propane accessories, and ultimately above all else what it means to be family. and blues clues is a show about a man who plays with a shovel & pail, talks to his condiments and mailbox, and sometimes he teleports into the felt dimension, all while playing Sherlock Holmes hercule poirot with his dog, and teaching kids how to count and draw and recognize colors and learn their ABCs. do you see the fucking difference? no? then I'll make it more clear.

dora the explorer & go diego go, mickey mouse clubhouse, handy manny, octonauts, bob the builder, super why, wild kratts, zoboomafoo, jojo's circus, wow wow wubbzy, stanley, doc mcstuffins, max & ruby, wonder pets, bubble guppies, ni hao khai lan, backyardigans, little einsteins, caillou (ugh) and p*w p*trol (double ugh), these are all undeniably kids shows. their audience is children (and the occasional adult by age with severe intellectual disabilities) and maybe the parents whose brains are too fried to care what's on the tv. these shows main purpose is to educate while entertaining on subjects one would encounter in preschool and kindergarten. counting 1-10, ABCs, basic color, basic language, basic intrapersonal skills, basic emotional literacy, problem solving, using your imagination, what sounds do animals make, breaking the fourth wall to ask the audience to answer what's 2+2 or tell them a lesson they learned today like I LEARNED TO NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER or some simple message like that. it's always light, there's no edgelord grimdark "what if they were dead the whole time" bullshit. it's just good clean simple wholesome [except for paw patrol] programs for kids to be distracted for a little bit of time, while also letting them walk away having said they learned something. at least half of the time dedicated to every single one of these shows is devoted to the same shit over and over again. I'm the map I'm the map I'm the map I'm the map I'm the map I'm the map WE FUCKING GET IT YOURE THE MAP! backpack backpack I'm the backpack loaded up with things and knickknacks too, anything that you might need I've got inside for you. we did it we did it we did it HOORAY! come on vamanos everybody let's go, come on let's get to it, I know that we can do it,

WHERE ARE WE GOING

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

THESE SONGS ARE BURNED INTO MY BRAIN AND THEYLL BE STUCK IN MY HEAD UNTIL I DIE

say click take a pic, the hot dog dance, CAN HE FIX IT???, pizza! spaghetti!, THE DOC IS IN AND SHELL FIX YOU UP, max & ruby ruby & max max & ruby ruby & max MAX & RUBY RUBY & MAX MAX & RUBY RUBY & MAX, wonder pets wonder pets we're on our way to help the friend and save the day, we're not too big and we're not too tough but when we work together we've got the right stuff, goooOOO WONDER PETS YAAAAY~, yoooour backyard friends the backyardigans (weve got the whole wide world in our yard to explore, thATS WHY EVERY DAY WEEEEERE BACK FOR MOOOORE), were going on a trip in our little rocket ship SOARING THROOOOOUGH THE SKY!!! little einsteins!

I swear to god I've been forced to watch so much children's television in my life it's no wonder there's no room left for serotonin executive function or the ability to speak to morons

point is I know my way around kids shows. my sisters were born in 98, 02, 05, 06, 10, and 18, I think, I don't even know because they're all a blur, I'm literally closer in age to my parents than to my youngest sibling, I never stopped being exposed to kids shows. I know what is and is not a kids show.

adventure time? not a kids show even though kids watch it. it's a "for everyone" show. it's got a target audience of 100% of the planet. steven universe? not a kids show even though kids watch it. miraculous ladybug? not a kids show even though kids watch it. scooby doo? not a kids show even though kids watch it. I'm not discussing the history of adult acceptance of animation, adult animation, or anime, so don't ask. dexter's laboratory. the grim adventures of billy & mandy. codename kids next door. teen titans. fairly oddparents. kim possible. invader zim. AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER. totally spies. courage the cowardly dog. the proud family. SPONGEBOB F*ING SQUAREPANTS. powerpuff girls. foster's home for imaginary friends. oh yeah you know what's coming next. my little goddamn pony friendship is mother fucking magic is not. a. kids. show. even though kids can watch it. it is a cartoon. it is an everyone show. that's why it's disingenuous and fucking stupid to decry any fan over the age of 7 as a pedophile and a weirdo creep; it participates in the infantilization of femininity. why is it ok for 20somethings to keep watching aang and squidward and finn & jake and zim and "return the slab" and everyone's totally fine wth that but when it's twilight sparkle suddenly everyone's like whoa you're a huge fucking loser for watching this girly wussy baby show for girly wussy babies. oh some bronies are sex crazed perverts? I'm sorry have you seen just how much porn there is for spongebob? oh some bronies are cringe? I'm sorry have you met half the steven universe fandom? oh some bronies are fascist rick sanchez kinnies with fedoras and katanas? BREAKING BAD FANS, HELLO!?!?!?

this is such a stupid tiring boring argument. maybe magic talking horses being friends and turning their friendship into magic rainbow nuclear fucking arms and blasting the evil out of a demon and turning her into the coolest fucking half-unicorn biker lesbian in the world is something that brings me, and adult, pure wholesome joy, in between bojack horseman and dark souls and breaking bad and deftones and fallout new vegas and jojo and cannibal corpse and other bleak depressing edgy shit that also brings me comfort. and MAYBE me at 16 starting to watch MLP:FIM becoming finally comfortable with the outward public expression of "traditionally feminine" interests is the main reason why I realized I was a girl when I did, and MAYBE I just like how pretty the colorful ponies look, AND MAYBE I KIN WITH ONE OR TWO OR EIGHT CHARACTERS, WHAT OF IT?

AND MAYBE ITS LITERALLY THE BEST LONG RUNNING FANTASY TV SERIES ON THE MARKET RIGHT NOW* SINCE GAME OF THRONES FUCKING SUCKS

but whatever, kids watch it sometimes so it's illegal for anyone who's not a kid to enjoy it, but only if it's something girly because liking girly things is bad because girliness is inherently bad, and the only things that are good have predominantly male casts*. right? right??? wrong, fucker. g4mlp has so much more in common with adventure time & atla than with blues clues or dora the fucking explora...r.

but keep in mind I'm saying this while hugging a blues clues plushie my grandma gave me for valentine's day because it reminds her of when I was a baby because I may not watch blues clues but it still means a lot to me for nostalgia and is 50% of the reason why I love ray charles. kids media isn't necessarily bad. I still do enjoy watching it with my little sisters. all this is is me being anal about categorization because I'm autistic and I LIVE for categorizing everything.

*besides atla obviously

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angrylizardjacket · 5 years

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and then there was light [4] {Roger Taylor}

A/N: 5060 words. part 4? part 4. it’s a bit of a darker one and before you ask, there will be a part 5, you know i wouldn’t end it on a cliffhanger and do you dirty like that.

[part 1] [part 2] [part 3]

The moment Roger steps foot into the meeting about the design of the shows for the upcoming American legs of the ‘Night at the Opera’ world tour, he’s pretty sure he’s already mentally checked out. Freddie’s doing all the talking, to literally no-one’s surprise; the man has big ambitions for his own costumes, and knows the other guys will pipe up about their own needs when they get to meet with just the costume designer. John Reid brings up the technical requirements, Roger’s got the ‘galileo’s from Bohemian Rhapsody playing on repeat in his head as he stares into the middle distance, and it’s Deaky who sits forward.

“We’ve got a pretty solid idea for the lights; Freddie and I have been consulting with a designer in America; she’s freelance, used to work for EMI, she’s reliable.” He assures, and Roger’s thinking ‘hey that sounds familiar’ but Reid seems satisfied and they’re already moving on to the staging and sound equipment needed.

Roger doesn’t connect the dots at first; it’s been almost four years since that fateful American tour, and they’ve had other tours come and go since, and as far as the others are concerned, they’re pretty sure he hasn’t spared you a thought since arriving home at the end of that tour. But he does, even if he doesn’t mean to.

The tour after you’d quit working for EMI, someone drops a parcan side of stage, and his heart is in his throat when he realises he was waiting to hear you yell ‘okay that one wasn’t my fault’ or something similar. All he hears is a faint apology, and a call from someone to get a broom. The scheduling’s different this time around, he can’t even have a cigarette in an empty theatre without some stagehand buzzing back and forth, or a band member trotting across the stage as they practice. It would be so much easier to lay on the stage if the rest of them were confined to one place while they played, like he was behind the drums. It’d be boring as shit, he would be the first to acknowledge that, but it would mean he would get stepped on less during lunch, and that’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make with the toe of Freddie’s shoe poking at his waist.

Nothing serious had come his way in that time, or rather, he’d never found anyone who could hold his attention for more than a week or two. People became dreadfully boring when all they wanted to do was faun over him and fuck him; not that it wasn’t fun at first, it was always fun at first, but there was a lack of variety, a sinking sensation that these people were more attracted to the idea of him that left a sour aftertaste.

But now he’s here, new company, new album, second leg of the new tour, new chance to sample all different women across this great nation. He’s already a little tipsy from his multiple jack and coke’s on the plane when they land, and he’s passed out on the tour bus before it even gets to the first tour stop. Once in Conneticut, he’s dragged from the bus, and informed that as soon as the tech crew had finished their meeting, they could start loading in their instruments.

“How long have they been here?” Brian asks the stage hand, and the guy shrugs.

“A couple of hours; the Floor Tech wanted the drum risers set up before she gave the brief.” He tells them as he lead the band in to the theatre, where most of the crew were milling about on stage.

“She always did have a flare for the dramatic.” John says with a grin where his eyes were trained on the stage, and Freddie hums in agreement, which only serves to confuse Roger further until he sees an all too familiar figure climbing the drum risers with a clipboard in hand.

“Alright guys, can I have your attention, please?” Even after all these years, the sound of your voice hits Roger square in the chest. “I wanna make this as quick and painless as possible, so after today we can bump in and bump out without any hassles.” You addressed the crowd with an easy confidence from your place at the top of the drum risers, tapping your nails against the back of the clipboard in your hands, wearing the overalls he’d seen you in so many times before.

“You can call me Spotlight; I’m the Head Floor Tech for the tour, as well as lighting designer; those of you on my lighting team, you’ve got a copy of the lighting plan, and I’ll be talking to you about how we’re gonna run it after this. Next time, I’ll get some help from the stage hands to set up the drum risers, I had a few people help me today to get them set up early, but that’s just because I like being tall.” With a sharp grin you pause as a titter of laughter spreads around the group, “stage management team, you’re in charge of making sure side of stage is set up with anything the band needs, and that it’s clear of unnecessary clutter and people, and running cabling for the sound guys; they’ll tell you what they need.”

After a beat, you look around the gathered crowd, and nod firmly, a gesture which a few of them return.

“If you have any questions, remember; find your Light.” You point directly at yourself. “We break for lunch at one, but until then we’ve got a lot to get through; let’s get rockin’.” Grinning brightly, you hop down from the risers into the crowd of crew members, ushering a bunch, each holding a sheet of paper, off to the side, as the others scattered like cockroaches under light.

“What the fuck is she doing here?” Roger finally finds his voice where he’s still standing, a little dumbstruck, alone in the aisle of the theatre where the others had left him behind.

“Didn’t you hear her speech? Spotlight’s our lighting designer.” Freddie calls over his shoulder, eyes wide and innocent, as if he hadn’t set this all up without thinking to mention it to Roger.

“Our what now?” He splutters, jogging a little to catch up to the other band members as they made their way towards the stage. He’s not quite sure what he’s doing, or what will happen when he gets their; the last thing you’d said to him was that you were stupid to think he was above his reputation, while you were in tears, and then it had been three years of nothing. He’s not going to run, at least he’s pretty sure he’s not; he’s self aware enough to know he was in the wrong last time you spoke, that he was an asshole, but he’s not going to be a coward. Not again.

“That was quite the speech.” John waits patiently until the crew who made up the lighting team had dispersed before addressing the familiar face at the centre. You turn, eyes bright and smile brighter, casually making your way towards him and the rest of the band.

“Yeah, I really feel in my element, you know?” It’s with an easy familiarity that you pull John into a hug, giving him a firm squeeze. “Good to finally see you again.” And then you’re hugging Freddie, and then Brian, and you stop short in front of Roger. It’s a stalemate, neither one wanting to be the first to look away, but both unsure of what to do. In the end, you don’t even offer him a handshake, just nod, and you turn back to the others.

“How’s Pippin been?” Freddie asks, and you’re about to answer, but Roger cuts in.

“Hang on, can someone fill me in here? Lovely to see you, by the way, just a little confused as to how you got here.” He says, and you’re lost for words, just blinking rapidly, trying to process the whole situation.

“Did you not tell him I was working with you guys?” Your words come out incredulous as you turn your gaze upon John and Freddie, who seem just as bewildered as you.

“I thought he’d cotton on when I mentioned an American designer who used to work for EMI.” John mused, turning his gaze on Roger, who frowned, thinking back to the initial meeting he’d just mentioned.

“I did,” Brian piped up, before casting a smile at John and Freddie that was just a little bit confused, “though I wasn’t a part of this little setup.” He tried to reassure the drummer.

“In my defense,” Roger started, before his gaze dropped, “I wasn’t paying attention, design isn’t exactly my forte.” He admitted, and you had to shake your head at that, exasperated and already a exhausted.

“Pippin’s good.” You go back to John’s initial question. Pippin isn’t so much a person as it is a touring version of a Broadway musical that had opened a year ago, to great success.

It turns out a written letter of recommendation from both the lead singer, and bass player of Queen goes rather far in the industry. After taking some time for yourself, you call up EMI to beg them not to fire you, however it turns out you needn’t have; both John and Freddie had given glowing reports of your work ethic and skill, and the man on the other end of the line is just eager to know when you were next available.

The moment you’re on site next, they tell you you’ve been promoted to Floor Tech; they hand you a roll of gaff tape and a drill and a whole new set of responsibilities, heaped onto your usual load. You don’t even remember who had been performing, the tour had only lasted a month, all you know is that they were calling you Spotlight from the moment you’d arrived; apparently it was what Freddie had called you, and John had to clarify.

John is the first to contact you again, through EMI of course, and he becomes something of a comfort when you consider taking your career beyond the company that kept you firmly in the one position on tour. Freddie calls you less often, and never about business; it’s John who gives you the courage to leave EMI, and he’s the one who helps set up as a freelance theatre and event crew member.

People had been head hunting you from tour to tour, beyond even EMI, some smaller acts even giving you the full Lighting Designer role. They expect you to sit back, let a stage hand or an assistant to take care of it, but every time you watch someone else focus a spot, your fingers itch to be doing it yourself. Dedicated to a fault, Roger had once called you, you think about it every time you climb an unsteady ladder, and think perhaps that he’s right.

The moment Pippin announces it’s tour, and puts out calls for crew, you’re first in line for the job, putting your hat in the ring for lighting, but happy enough to take any crew role. Not that you don’t love working with bands, but there’s a certain finesse that comes with theatre lighting that you can’t get anywhere else in the world. After two years, and the support of both John and Freddie, you find yourself as the assistant Lighting Designer, as well as Head Floor Tech, and once you step foot onto the tour bus, everything else becomes history.

Speaking of history, later in the day, after the rest of the crew have broken for lunch, you’re wedged under the drum risers, running some cables, when you hear someone climb up them, taking a seat at the drums.

“If you play one beat-” You’re cut off by Roger’s yell of surprise, as he’s so startled he almost falls off his chair.

“Holy shit, who is that?” He’s breathing heavily, voice panicked, and for a moment you take pleasure imagining clutching his hand to his chest like a delicate, little grandmother.

“Take a wild stab in the dark,” you mutter, unwedging yourself from beneath the structure, raising an eyebrow as you look at him. Almost immediately he’s frowning, and you’re thrown back to the moment almost three years ago where you’d been here before, looking up at him from behind the drum risers after you’d changed out the light mid-show. Clearing your throat loudly, you break the moment, getting to your feet and making your way to the side of the stage.

“What are you doing here?” He calls, watching idly as you go about counting out fly lines until you get to the one you’d been looking for. You’d gotten here early to go through the fly-line procedure with the Duty Tech for the venue, and now you lowered the LX bar it was attached to with ease after making sure there was no-one in the way. Your focus made something in his chest tighten, and he feels like he’s being taken back in time; you’re beautiful when you work, passionate and skilled, meticulous, that hadn’t changed. Roger has to look away.

“My job,” and you just sound tired when you say it, already securing the meticulously placed lights onto the bar you’d just lowered, going along and fixing them to the metal in a neat line. An uncomfortable silence spreads between you, punctuated only by the scrape of metal against metal, and the rattle of the safety chains.

“What are you doing here?” You don’t even try to hide the snippiness from your voice, not even turning to look at his as the accusatory words hang in the air.

“I’m having a smoke in what I thought was going to be relative peace, it’s something I do, okay?” Voice defensive, you hear the rustle of cardboard and hear the click of a cigarette, your annoyance growing with each passing moment.

“No, it’s what I do. It’s what I did three years ago, you just started showing up. You stole my relative peace.” You snapped, turning to him, a blazing fury in your eyes at his words, before your lip curled in disgust, “And you don’t even do anything with it.” You scoffed, and he went quiet, sulking behind his drum kit. Sensing he wasn’t got to talk back you turn back to your work.

The moment you turn away, he sees the way you heave a sigh, angry tension draining from your shoulders, a little hunched as you concentrated. Your hands shake a little as you fiddle with the safety chains. There’s still that confidence there, the ease with which you moved about the stage, but unlike around other people, when it was just Roger - though he suspected you were pretending he wasn’t there - you just looked... weary.

After that first town, he keeps his distance for a few stops, though the other band members look to keep you company on occasion. But then... he’s there again. Quiet this time, he just watches where you hold yourself like royalty at the top of a rickety ladder, so sure of yourself. He’d forgotten the sight of you in your element, and it hits him like a truck.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” You snap when you chance a glance down and see his awestruck expression looking up at you. The shock comes when he actually looks abashed, averting his gaze, picking up his drumsticks and tapping out a rhythm that you’re pretty sure you recognise.

You’re both too stubborn to give the other one the peace of the theatre at lunch, however, while you’re content with stewing in silence as you worked, Roger, to no-one’s surprise, is not.

“How’ve you been?” He brings himself to ask. You stop where you’re replacing a gel on one of the drum riser lights, taking a long moment to consider your words carefully.

“Busy.” Tired. The subtext comes through loud and clear, despite your short answer, and once you’d finished with the light, you stand, before taking a moment to stretch your back out from behind hunched over.

“Working a lot?” I can tell. He answers after a long pause, almost sympathetic, and you know he’s not really responding to the words you’d said out loud.

“Yeah, non stop.” No subtext, just responding at face value, before your eyes up to the mostly finished rig. Afternoons were for last minute fixes and focusing, there wasn’t much left you could do, unless you were willing to ask for Roger’s help.

“When did your last thing end?” He asks, and you click your tongue as you turn on your heel, burned out gel in your hand, heading for a bin.

“Two days before this one.” You admitted. When you’re met with silence, you turn, and Roger’s frowning at you, almost disbelieving.

“You’re not still sleeping on the tour bus, are you?” He asks, and you roll your eyes before you tell him your accommodation is paid for this time around. You’re the first to leave, for the first time since everything had started, you leave halfway through to actually eat lunch, leaving Roger to himself.

When he’s drunk after the show, leaning against some local pub, with a girl leaning against him, heavy enough that the two of them would have tipped over if it wasn’t for the counter, he can’t get you out of his mind.

“I didn’t ruin her career.” His eyes go wide as the words, with something akin to revelation, escape him, and the girl makes a noise of confusion, her fingers ghosting over his chest, but he can’t even bring himself to enjoy it.

“I didn’t ruin her career!” He announces, excited and pleased in his inebriated state, sitting himself so forcefully on the arm of Freddie’s chair that he spills part of his drink. Freddie makes a noise of confusion, looking up at the blonde, and Roger gesticulates enough to spill more of his drink, ignoring Freddie’s yelp. “Spotlight! She said I’d ruined her career!”

“When?” Freddie asks, just as John pops out from seemingly nowhere.

“Well you certainly didn’t help it. That was me.” Roger doesn’t care that John’s drunk, the way bassist says it, so serene and matter-of-fact, makes it sting just a little bit worse. His mood instantly flips.

“Can you piss off? Go be her best friend somewhere else.” Roger snapped, and he knew he’d regret being so sharp with John the following morning, but it seemed John himself knew that Roger was in a mood, and obligingly fucked off, seemingly not taking it to heart. “When we broke up, she accused me of ruining her career.” And he realises too late, when Freddie’s eyes go wide with realisation, that he’s said too much.

“Is this where you tell me exactly what went down between you two?” He asked, tapping Roger’s leg with excitement. The blonde, however, stood abruptly, glower on his face.

“No. Fuck off.”

Roger spends almost fifteen minutes banging on the door of the tour bus before he remembers that you’re not in there, and falls into bed alone, fully clothed.

“The fuck did you say to Freddie last night?” The moment he steps foot onto the stage at lunch, you’re waiting for him, already livid. He’s tempted to turn and walk right back out the door. “Apparently he doesn’t know the real reason that I went home last ti- !”

“Of course he doesn’t!” Roger snapped back, on the defensive without a moment’s hesitation. “It makes me look like a fucking wanker and he’d kick my ass; he adores you!” And that was enough to shock you into silence, grip loosening on the gaff tape in your hands. “They all do.” He said, and your expression turns unreadable.

“I know.” You finally said, a new, strange quality to your voice, it’s something akin to shock, but not quite, and Roger doesn’t know what to say next. “What about you?” You finally ask, voice a little defensive. It hurts to see you look at him with such a judgemental eye, though he’s well aware he deserves it.

“Doesn’t matter, does it? I could apologise a thousand times and you’d still be pissy.” He huffs, and you cross your arms, cocking your hip.

“At least once would be nice.” You level a cold glare at him and his gaze snaps back at yours, surprised. “You never once apologised, you know that?” And your voice is low, hurt and honest. “Are you even sorry for what happened?”

“It was three years ago-” He sighs, but you cut him off, shifting your weight to your other foot, swallowing thickly.

“So that’s a no. Glad to see where you stand.” And you turn to cross the stage to where you’ve already got the ladder set up, but he makes his way to you in three long strides, making to grab at your upper arm. The moment he does, however, you whirl around, slapping him, hard. “I told you to never fucking touch me; did you think I forgot?” And he sees why you were so eager to leave; there’s tears in your eyes, so close to breaking and streaming down your cheeks, your lip trembling. Something about your voice is so raw, it hurts worse than the slap.

“I am sorry.” And he sounds so fucking sincere, but you just glare at him, unashamed where the tears have begun to track down your cheeks.

“You had your chance to say sorry; you had your chance to beg for forgiveness, but you told me I could leave; so I did, and so did your fucking opportunity.” But you can’t bring yourself to step back, frozen in place where he’s less than a foot away. Every fibre of your being is betraying you, wanting to be around him, close to him, after what he did.

“I’m sorry what happened between us;” his voice is so level, carefully controlled, you know he’s think hard about what he’s about to admit, “I fucked up, I know that; I’m sorry. It was three years ago but I’m still sorry. I’ve been sorry for a long time now.”

“Since it happened?” You asked, and he didn’t drop your gaze, answering without flinching or hesitation.

“Since I started worrying I’d lose you; I know what I’m like, I knew what I’d end up doing.” He admitted, and the words clearly didn’t have his intended impact as you stumble back, free hand clutching your chest.

“And yet you still-” And quietly, so quietly you’re not even sure he hears it, the words come out as more of a defeated whimper than anything else; “How could you not tell I was in love with you?”

He’s in shock, and you barge past him, leaving as you can no longer contain your aching heart, and you head to the hotel you were staying at down the road, taking the rest of the lunch break to cry.

When you return, the rest of the crew has filtered in, Roger looks guilty, and Freddie and John look about ready to commit violent homicide, which was unsurprising for Freddie, but there was something comforting about Deaky wearing the expression too. In less than a week, the whole crew knows, and wherever you go, you feel yourself followed by pitying stares, which won’t go away, no matter how hard you throw yourself into your work.

“You’re working yourself into the ground.” Roger tells you a week later, watching the way your arms tremble as you focus a light, and it takes you a moment to blink blearily at him. “Don’t forget the security chain.” He adds, and you scowl, before looking at the light itself, and hurriedly affix the security chain to the rig. You insist that you’re fine, making your way down the ladder to scoop up another parcan, but you almost immediately drop it.

“I just need some food.” You try to insist, your hands shaking as you leave the light where it is.

You don’t come out after shows, and it’s not gone unnoticed. The rest of the crew think you’re just dedicated, personable for the most part but prone to bouts of standoffishness.

“Oh you should have seen her on our first tour,” Freddie muses to an enraptured crowd at an afterparty, a few crew members listening with a bright-eyed attention, “that woman risked life and limb for our show.” And he sounds so proud when he says it, but something twists uncomfortably in Roger’s gut.

Cracks don’t show around other people, Roger’s noticed; you’re smile’s bright enough and your voice is loud enough that they don’t see the way your hands shake. Or how tired your eyes are. But then there are moments, you stand as if in the eye of the storm, gaff tape and drill in hand, watching as people follow your instructions without question, and you look up to see Roger tweaking his drums, and the two of you share a look. It’s a little indecipherable, he’s concerned and you’re just... tired. He wants to offer to help, but as soon as the moment arrives, it’s passed, and you’re off to the next task.

The air between the two of you has lost it’s angry tension; after saying your peace, after hearing his apology, there’s no fight left. Just a lingering disappointment, a quiet like the moment after a world-weary sigh. You don’t have to pretend around Roger, you both know he’d see through it if you’d tried.

“You should come get a drink after; you look like you need it.” Roger laughs, but there’s no humour in it. Without missing a beat, you decline, you don’t even bother coming up with an excuse.

“I’m worried about you.” The tour is almost three weeks in, and you’re asleep against the proscenium arch when he walks in. You wake with a start at the sound of his voice, reaching out for the light you’d been fiddling with before you’d passed out. When you look to him with confusion, he repeats himself slowly. “I’m worried about you; are you sleeping okay?”

“As if that’s any of your business.” You snapped back, and Roger kept quiet. It only takes him a day to figure out that sleep isn’t really a luxury you allowed yourself; you were the last out every night after bump out, sometimes staying until two in the morning, and from what the crew said, you were always the first up, running through check lists, accident reports, and going over anything that needed maintenance.

When Freddie asks you to come out with them after a gig, you find it difficult to say no, he helped get you this job after all, but you’re there for barely half an hour before Roger sees you slip out the side door, drink untouched.

John asks if you’re okay one afternoon when you drop a stack of gel frames without warning, jumping almost a foot in the air and looking like you’re about to break into tears from shock, but seems content when you explain you’re just tired. Tired doesn’t even begin to cover how overworked you are.

The night you finally decide to relax a little, bump out having been miraculously fast, you’ve got the next day off. The others cheer you on as you down drink after drink, the alcohol hitting you hard and quickly, and the world gets blurry as you find yourself on the dance floor. It’s easy to drink too much, because for the first time in a long time, you’re relaxed, not worrying about the pretty, dickhead blonde who worries about you when he really shouldn’t.

You’re drunk enough to admit to yourself that part of you likes the attention he’s giving you, it feels like vindication for the heartache you went through all those years ago. Part of it’s not even vindictive, part of you just likes the way he looks at you, the way his smile made your heart beat just a little faster; you call that part a fucking traitor and have another drink.

You don’t remember leaving the bar, but you come back to your body when you’re leaning against a streetlight for support, halfway through telling someone to fuck off.

“Ya’ not my caretaker, Roger,” you sneer, “you don’t need to look after me or whatever this is. Go help groupies home or to hotel or whatever.” You spit, and push off from the light, turning on your heel, almost topple over, and right yourself.

“Light, that’s the wrong way.” He calls, exasperated, and you turn again, this time actually crashing to the ground and grazing your hand on the way, before you get to your feet. He’s come over to try and help you, but you swat him away.

“You don’t get to call me that.” You stalk ahead of him in the direction he had come from, back toward the hotel, and he follows only a few steps behind.

“Fine, Y/N; you’re legless, let me help.” And after a moment of intense eye contact, in which you try to weigh up your options, you begrudgingly loop your arm through his.

“You’re still on my shit-list.” You inform him, and he hums in acknowledgement. “Why are you doing this?” You follow it up with.

“I’m not the asshole who fucked you over three years ago, and I’m not gonna let you get yourself killed for this show.” He said through gritted teeth, and you just smiled, a little dreamily.

“But what a way to go.” And he came to an abrupt stop. It took you a moment to realise, and looking back, you tugged on his arm to keep him moving. He just frowned at you, a little concerned. “Fuck, I didn’t mean it.”

“If I have to fire you to get you to take a break-” He threatened, and you scoffed, expression turning bitter.

“I’ll drop a light on you.”

“You’ll drop a light on me by accident before then anyways!” He crowed, and your expression fell, contemplative. “Just let me help; what do I have to do to make you actually rest? What do I have to do to prove myself?”

#roger taylor #roger taylor imagine #roger taylor x reader #bohemian rhapsody #borhap #bo rhap #borhap imagine #bohemian rhapsody imagine #freddie mercury #john deacon #brian may #and then there was light #ben hardy #ben hardy imagine #the angry lizard writes

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ultsracha · 5 years

Text

Friends to Lovers w/ Eric (tbz)

Request: Anon - Ok uuuh I’ve never requested before so idk how to word all this but could you maybe write some Eric (the boyz) catching feelings for his best friend and him trying to ask her out ?? And maybe like the other 00 liners making fun of him for being all soft :( I’m sorry I’m trash at explaining stuff <3 Have a wonderful day A/N: Thank you for requesting! im sorry that this isnt the best but i tried ! Warnings: mild angst & swearing

*He looks so teeny tiny in this gif ouchies my heart*

you and Eric had been friends for literally your whole lives

all of your childhood memories had him in them

running around the back yard? Eric was right behind you

Learning how to ride a bike? This dude was the reason you had the courage to do it

So it was no surprise to everyone that all throughout school you stayed friends

Joined at the hip every second you could be

In class you would sit together and help each other with the work

Of course you had your other friends, 11 of them who were all part of Eric’s band they called ‘The Boyz’

They accepted you into their group with open arms

Most nights after school were spent in the practice room with them

Watching them dance and run around

Eric always tried to get you involved but that’s a big, fat, nope

But you literally had the best, best friend

So, like every other day you’re sat at the lunch table waiting for Eric to get out of his class while you sat with Sunwoo and Hyunjoon

“You coming stargazing with us tonight?” Sunwoo asks as he shoves a few grapes into his mouth

“Of course, I’ll bring some food if you guys want as well?” you replied

This wasn’t uncommon for you all, to go sit on Kevin’s roof with blankets and snacks and just look at the stars

“Is Eric coming too?” You ask because let’s face it everything's more fun with him around

“OoOOoooOOOOoooOOh ‘Is Eric coming too?’ oOOooOo” Hyunjoon teases, nudging your arm

“Ah fuck off you know it’s not like that, we’ve been friends forever! I can’t go anywhere without him now”

They both continued to tease and nudge you around until you saw Eric walking over

As per the routine, you got up and met him halfway across the hall for a massive hug

“Hey! What’s up? You’re bright red?” He asks after hugging you

“Ohhh nothing, just dumb and dumber trying to steal my last brain cell” you giggle as you both settle into your seats

Eric draping his arm round your shoulders like he always does

Sunwoo giving you a sly smirk like he a l w a y s does when you and Eric even look at each other

It wasn’t hard to understand why everyone gave you these looks

Most people assumed you were together

Even some of your family had suspicions because of how close you two were

but you could only dream...

This little crush you had started mid teens and had persisted ever since

Now it was nearing the end of school and here you were, hopelessly in love

Honestly it had just become a normal part of your life by now and that was okay, as long as you had him with you being your best friend. It was okay

“You’re coming to Kevins tonight yeah?” Eric mumbles into your ear

Resisting the urge shiver you simply nod and turn away and continue to listen to the bickering of the boys

After that the day goes on peacefully, Eric walks you to class and kisses your forehead before jogging to his own class

The bus journey home you guys sit together and share earphones, taking it in turns to choose a song

“I’ll see you later yeah?” You ask as you both get off the bus at your stop

“Yeah I might be a bit late though, I’ve got some things to get done beforehand” he replies, throwing his bag over his shoulders

“Alright, I’ll see you later then!” you start to wave goodbye and of course, as per usual he brings you in for a hug and to kiss your forehead

and yet again your heart swells and you inwardly scream because why not your lips hm?

Later that evening Sangyeon picks you up, with Sunwoo and Haknyeon already in the car

Sunwoo on the aux playing some random country music to annoy everyone

It’s an amazing night to stargaze, you get to Kevins just at the end of sunset where the sky is mostly dark but a lilac hue still coats the edges of the sky

The stars already sparkling

Kevins roof was your favourite place to be as he lived at the top of a hill, meaning the view of the city below could be seen

As well as the roof itself having a large flat bit for everyone to cosy up together

Most of the group are already there setting up blankets and pillows and the speaker

As expected Eric wasn’t there yet so you just dumped out all the snacks you gathered next to the speaker and went to speak to the host

“Did Eric tell you what he had to do tonight?” you ask, watching Kevin struggle to smooth out a massive blanket

“Yes but I’m not telling you, it’s a secret” he replies

“Why? What is it?” your heart starting to race

Did he have a girlfriend? Was he keeping her a secret? Was he bringing her tonight?

Yes, that’s where your mind goes because, well every girl in the school would be lucky to have him

“Y/N calm down he’s gone to get something for tonight, don’t worry he’s still your mans but not really your mans” he smirks, patting the top of your head and walking away

You just stand there blinking before realising what he even said, leading you to pursue him to where everyone was sat already

“He’s not my ‘mans’ Kevin we all know he’s got every girl in the school whipped for him” you sigh, plopping yourself next to Jacob

who was munching on some chips

“Y/N you’re kidding right?” Sunwoo smirks while Hyunjoon giggles lightly and nods

“No I’m not, I’m honestly surprised he hasn't got a girlfriend already...” you mumble

The sad truth being explained to your friends hurt but it wasn’t hard to see, he wasn’t in love with you

“He has THE biggest crush on you Y/N how do you not see it?”

You look up from your lap to see everyone nodding in agreement

Who knew your friends would play such a prank on you

“This isn’t funny guys, you’re just teasing and it’s painful so please can we just change the subject?”

lets be real it would always hurt knowing how everyone could see how in love you were but how obviously he wasn't

“Seriously, everyday we see him he talks about how cute you look or how smart you are and how he can’t wait to show you this dance because he wants to impress you” Hyunjoon giggles while Changmin over dramatically nods

“and how you smell nice all the time” Sunwoo adds rolling his eyes

“they boy’s whipped for you” Hyunjoon continues

“It’s almost annoying how literally no one exists when you’re around because he’s so focused on you”

Your heart has literally stopped

Because ??? Eric???? liking you????

“Right let’s quit the teasing because we weren’t even meant to tell her so now you’re gonna have to explain to him about this” Sangyeon scolds the younger ones

You just lay back into the pillows still not computing

They have to be lying? He’s never shown any interest in you?

You hear them still laughing about how your face looks when you’re shocked

Jacob leans over to whisper “just ignore them, they’re rooting for you”

You’re just lying on the roof, looking up to the sky with butterflies bursting your stomach and your heart beating like crazy in your chest when you hear Kevins bedroom window open

“Hey guys, sorry I was late” Eric bursts through the window “I was just getting a few things”

Everyone greets him but you stay silent, looking up at the sky because you were just TOO nervous to say anything

“You okay?” He asks you, laying down next to you and propping his head on his arm

“Yeah! Just looking at the stars” your voice betraying your panic

He just nods and rolls over to lie on his back next to you

The night goes on as normal, everyone chatting, listening to music and enjoying the view

You hop in the conversation every once in a while but the others seem to understand why you’re being more quiet

Eric hardly speaks to you but never leaves your side, just lying next to you also in his in thoughts

“What’s up?” You whisper to him after a while

“Just thinking about stuff” He whispers back shifting to lay on his side to look at you

You look into his eyes and he looks,,, nervous?

“What you thinking about?” you ask, shifting to mirror his position

“It’s nothing don’t worry Y/N” He replies shaking his head

“You know you can tell me anything Eric we’re best friends...”

At this he sighs even more and stands up

“What? What did I do?” You also stand

He’s already climbing back through Kevins window

Naturally you follow, heart beating out of your chest at the thought of Eric being upset with you

“Seriously whats wrong? Why can’t you tell me?” You follow him into the room

“Because if I tell you we can’t be friends and it’ll all go wrong so it’s better if I don’t say anything”

“Why? We’re best friends we’ve always told each other everything whats changed?”

“Will you please stop saying that?” He almost shouts and spins around to face you

You’ve never seen him this upset before

Sunwoo and Hyunjoon were wrong, he doesn't love you he doesn't even want to be friends anymore

“Y-y-y-you don’t want to be friends with me anymore?” You splutter out, tears already brimming in your eyes

They were so wrong and they couldn't have said what they did at a worse time, giving you that small bubble of hope in your chest for it to be crushed an hour later

“It’s not that I just....” he trails off, wringing his hands nervously

“Then what Eric?” You burst into tears, heart almost breaking in that moment

“Y/N I love you. Fuck. I’m sick of hiding it and being teased all the time for not having the courage to tell you. I fucking love you”

The tears didn't stop when you rushed over and wrapped your arms around his neck

Standing on your tiptoes to hug him you felt his arms wrap around your waist

You both just stood there holding each other

His erratic breathing indicating he’s crying too

“I love you too Eric, so much, for so long”

You just stayed put in his arms, him stroking the back of your head

“I didn’t believe them when they told me...” you giggle while pulling away to look at him

His eyes just go so wide

“They did what?” He yelped

“Oh they told me all about how you talk about me all the time and how whipped you are” you giggle even more

The look on his face just makes you laugh harder

“I’m going to kill them” he growls and charges back through the window

You just smile and follow him onto the roof where everyone was just laughing and nudging Eric around

“So he’s finally confessed!” Jacobs asks you grinning from ear to ear

“It’s about time, now we don’t have to spend every dance practice brainstorming ways to get him to do it” Sunwoo laughs, earning a slap from Eric

Once the teasing died down Eric joined your side leaning against the wall by Kevins window

“So does this mean you’ll be my girlfriend?” He asks

And despite the dark you can tell his cheeks are dusted pink

“Of course I will, but what did you need to go get earlier than meant you were late?”

“Oh,” he wriggled to grab a small packet from his pocket “I was going to confess to you tonight and I bought you this”

Handing you the packet you open it to find a dainty necklace

Silver with a small heart pendant on it

“Eric this is so cute but you didn’t have to buy me something to confess to me” you blush, heart feeling so full it could burst

“I know but I thought it would help” his smile is so bright and warm

He helps you put on the necklace and the night ends with you falling asleep cuddled into his arms admiring the view

#tbz #the boyz #eric #tbz eric #eric fluff #tbz fluff #the boyz fluff #the boyz imagine #the boyz fic

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sauceuser98 · 4 years

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I Think I’m Done

I have this problem of falling for people who I can’t have. I was going through a heartbreak where I decided I was done trying to make someone mine or become someone, someone. I met this girl during this time she was weird mysterious and very cute. Like too cute for me, so cute I didn’t try and flirt with her or make conversation cause she was way too far out of my league. We worked together and eventually she asked me if I wanted to hang out. Weird for me because she initiated the first contact. I thought nothing of it. When we hung out her room was weird lots of miscellaneous items, very grotesque and weird. I couldn’t put my finger on her. We smoked weed and soon she said that we should move to the bed as it was more comfortable. I was so naive and never really had sex except the one time I was blackout drunk and was forced upon. I try to forget about it and don’t count it. I had no idea what she wanted to do. We cuddled and then after awhile she pulled me onto her. I still didn’t put 2 and 2 together. Eventually I did and I asked her if she had a condom. She didn’t I definitely didn’t. We met up again and then had sex. It was nice for me. The first time type of eye opening sex. We met up again and again and kept having sex. But we also hung out and talked. Not just sex. We had a good time. There was about a week in between each visit. On like the 3rd visit, I asked her. “What is this to you?”. She said “I hadn’t really thought about it.” That was a clear answer to me. I don’t want this to go any farther than this right here. I was spot on. I quickly realized she was addicted to sex and had at least a few other guys that she could text at anytime to come over. We only hung out a few times a month. She rarely spent a night alone. She was sexually curious at 11 and messed around with a girl who was 13 when she was 11. She gave her first blowjob at 13. She then had many sexual relationships with people much older than her. Basically all men. She cammed for a while and sold sexual services online. She claims it wasn’t prostitution and that she walked all over a guy once for money and then fucked him but didn’t fuck him for money cause she would have fucked him either way is what she said. She stopped all that pretty soon before we met. But she had an abusive relationship with this guy. He just wanted sex and was very rude and dismissive to her. He would force himself on her and she would push him off, he would punch her and then force himself inside her. She wanted that though. She fell in love with him. She’ll never admit that she loves him. But she loved everything he gave her. Pain, suffering, a constant dismissal of attention. She was addicted to him. She broke that off right before me as well. We were friends with benefits. I got to be really good at getting her off. I never came. Not once did I come. I stopped trying really. She really liked having sex with me cause I was good at it. But we became more and more focused on our friendship. She claims that she actually really wanted me to make a move to be more. But after an argument we came to the conclusion that I did make an attempt and she shot it down. I was okay with being friends. I cared about her but couldn’t see myself holding her down. And i was practicing distance. About half a year into our relationship she met with another co worker and they went on a date had sex and she was very eh about him. He assumed they were dating now, at least thats what she says. She has a very poor ability to say no to people especially back then. They were now dating but we were still fucking. That came to end and she said we could hangout but no fucking. She hadn’t let me know that they were dating and so I would see them interact all the time and sometime would see him leaving as I was arriving. One time me and her were supposed to play quarters and when i got their he was leaving and I said “would you like to join” he was down and we started playing. He had his hands all over her and I quickly realized I was the third wheel. I got sad and was drunk. I decided to get cigarettes. I forgot my earbuds. Walked back inside and he was on top of her in bed. I did not say anything or even look really. I walked back out. I got cigarettes and walked for an hour or so. I got back and was still too drunk to drive so I sat outside. Eventually they both came out to comfort me. Mainly her. I got up and walked away. They followed me. We all laid on the bed going to sleep but I sat there and waited for them to go to sleep and left. Was one of my worst nights on earth. Cant believe I didn't see I was hurt because I thought she just didn't want a relationship and here she is in one. I knew she fucked countless guys but I didn't wanna meet the guy. We continued to hang out. On the day after her birthday, I came over with cigarettes with a bow and a card. The card had cute bears on it and a sweet message inside. She didn't look inside. The next morning, I said the real present I wanted to give her was to drive 3 hours away to this oasis and spend the day. I said i understood she prolly didn't wanna go tho and thats okay. She apparently didn't even spend her birthday with her bf as he left town and got her a grocery store cake. She got excited and said lets go. We had the most magical and romantic moment either of us have ever experienced. The sexual tension was there. When we got back I expected a long time before we could hang. The next night, She called asking if she could come over. I said sure and we stayed up all night watching movies. In the morning she asked if I wanted to come over I said yes. We got to her place and immediately started having some of the best sex we ever had. Pretty soon after, we heard knocking, on the outside door. We assumed it was the upstairs neighbor who didnt have a key again. She said lets go to the shower. I said sure. But got up to let the neighbor upstairs. When i opened the door it was her bf. I was half naked and sweating. I remembered her phone was ringing all night and she wouldn't pick it up. She was ignoring him. I sat outside while they talked. She came outside and said “ ill cya later dude”. Dropped my stuff in my lap and walked away. 2 weeks of no communication I said hello and she responded that she needs some space right now. 1 month later she posted on her story and i asked how she was doing. I was growing increasingly worried that I was being ghosted. She sent me a picture of space. I sent her 3 texts more over the course of 6 months. She clarified that she wanted to be friends with me but couldn’t cause it was damaging her relationship with her bf. and she wanted to focus on that so maybe someday we could be friends again but not now. I was a wreck that whole time and realized that I was in love with her. I missed her dearly and was in so much time. I spent that whole time depressed and abusing drugs. At about 7 months. One morning I woke up and I had this feeling like a boulder had been lifted from my shoulders. I could breathe and I knew i had moved past her. I sent her a message saying thank you for all the lovely times. But I am over this. She responded and said she was very sorry how it all ended and wanted to talk about it over a coffee. She had broke up with her bf for the 3rd and final time the night before. We hung out and picked up where we left off having the best time together. We hung out increasingly frequently till it was every night. At about 2 week I said I cant do this if i’m not the only one. She said then “ lets date”. I didn't believe her but we started dating. We started spending every night and every free moment together. It was amazing so was the sex. Everything was perfect. Until one night I was going to hangout with my best friend who I hadn't seen in a long time. I got high scared and so i texted her. no response. I called no answer. I called again the phone picked up and i said hello but then the phone hung up. I called again and she answered she was out of breath and scrambling. Saying how the phone id said my mothers name that she didnt recognize. and she didn't recognize my voice. she also says that her phone was upstairs so she didn't hear it. She says that she was chasing the cat around the house which is why she was out of breath. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was going to have a cigarette. She then told me to hold on one second. She said she had to pee. I hung up and began to cry. She cheated on me. I saw it in my mind. I never even thought of it as a possibility until then and then it happened. I cried all the way to her. I showed up and told her I thought she cheated on me. She was very dismissive and was like “ really??” “are you serious?”. After that every time we spent time apart i would get anxious. I started looking through her diaries and her phone. All the time coincidental things would happen that she would have no explanation for and I would think she was cheating on me. This happened almost every day. It was hell for me. We were surprisingly doing well tho. Soon after we moved in with my parents to save money to move to Oregon. The anxiety only got worse and the stress and fighting became almost constant. She left back home. We stayed in a long distance relationship for 2 months. I came back to live with my sister who lives close to her. We are still in a relationship. She doesn't want to have sex. Or is very particular about it. Weve had sex only a handful of times and ive been back almost a month thats weird for us. I am very depressed, I dont feel like she loves me half the time. Other times i think she is cheating on me. other times were having lots of fun together. Its becoming unbearable and I feel i might kill myself soon. Im tired of this game. I ready to see whats next. I always knew I would never last long. Is 21 the year where I finally get the courage to end it.

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morganbelarus · 7 years

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The Heartwrenching Reason This Mom Is Delivering a Dying Baby With No Brain

Shes reminded every moment of every day that shes carrying a baby that will die.

Theres hardly a joy that can compare with bringing a new life into this world. From thefirst cries out of the womb to the adventurous toddler years and the rebellious teenage phase, each stage of childhood holds a special place in a mothers heart. Most moms get to envision their childs beautiful journey to adulthoodas they deliver their precious baby, but imagine if you were giving birth toa baby that you knew would not survive?

Could you still walk through those nine painful months of pregnancy knowing that your child would die within days, if not hours?

Well thats exactly what Keri Young is choosing to do.

When this warrior of a mama found out that her daughter, Eva, would be born without a brain, Keri could only stir up one question through her body-shaking ugly cry: If I carry her full term, can we donate her organs?

Her husband, Royce, could hardly believe the words that were coming out of her mouth.

Facebook/Keri Young

In complete awe of his wifes courage and selflessness, he wrote this tear-jerkingmessage on Facebook that is now inspiring thousands who have been touched by a mothers bravery that few can fathom:

The other night, before I left for New Orleans, I was watching my beautiful wife sleep peacefully on the couch.

I looked at her laying there, her belly big with our daughter kicking away, a daughter that wont live more than a few days, and it just overwhelmed me of how incredible this woman is. Im a writer so when Im feeling something, I tend to have to write it down. So I pulled out my phone and started writing what I was thinking. And I realized tonight sitting a thousand miles away in a hotel room, especially after meeting this awesome kid named Jarrius thats been everywhere at All-Star Weekend who needs a liver transplant, that instead of just keeping this one for me like I normally do, I should tell everyone else just how incredible Keri Young is. (I also miss her five seconds after I leave the house for a trip so Im thinking about her all the time anyway.)

I thought back to the moment where we found out Eva wasnt perfect, and how literally 30 seconds after our doctor told us our baby doesnt have a brain, somehow through full body ugly crying, Keri looked up and asked, If I carry her full term, can we donate her organs? I remember our doctor putting her hand on Keris shoulder and saying, Oh honey, thats so brave of you to say. Like, how nice of you, but come on. Keri meant it. There I was, crestfallen and heartbroken, but I momentarily got lifted out of the moment and just stood in awe of her. I was a spectator to my own life, watching a superhero find her superpowers. In literally the worst moment of her life, finding out her baby was going to die, it took her less than a minute to think of someone else and how her selflessness could help. Its one of the most powerful things Ive ever experienced. In the eight years weve been married (and 15 years together) Ive had a lot of moments stop me in my tracks where I thought, holy crap, this woman Im married to, lucky me. But this one was different. It hit me that not only am I married to my very best friend, but to a truly remarkable, special human being.

Facebook/Royce Young

This whole process has been rough, but I say that as someone watching from the bleachers like the rest of you. Keri has been in the trenches the entire time, feeling every little kick, every hiccup and every roll. Shes reminded every moment of every day that shes carrying a baby that will die. Her back hurts. Her feet are sore. Shes got all the super fun pregnant stuff going on. But the light at the end of her nine-month tunnel will turn into a darkness shes never felt before a couple hours or days after Eva is born. Shes the one that is going to deal with all that comes with having a baby her milk coming in, the recovery process, etc, but with no snuggly, soft, beautiful newborn to look at to remind you that it was all worth it.

We made our choice to carry Eva to full term for a lot of reasons, but the first and foremost was to donate her organs. We dont say that to try and sound like great people or anything. It was just a practical endgame that in our minds, before we came to the realization Eva is alive and our daughter deserves to meet her mama and daddy, gave us a purpose to continue on. Donating was on Keris mind from darn near the second we found out and while the experience of holding and kissing our daughter will be something we cherish forever, the gift(s) shes got inside that little body of hers is what really matters. Keri saw that almost instantly. That kid Jarrius wears a shirt that says It Takes Lives To Save Lives. I couldnt stop thinking about that all day. Theres another family out there hurting and hoping for a miracle for their baby, knowing full well someone elses baby will need to die first. Eva can be that miracle.

Were getting closer to the finish line, and while its going to be amazing to run through that tape and meet Eva, it comes at a cost. Well go to the hospital for a birth, and go home without a baby.

A lot of people say things like, I wouldnt change anything after a trying circumstance, but Im not about to say that. I would definitely change this if I could. I want my daughter to be perfect. I want her to blow out her candles on her first birthday. I want to watch her bang her head on our coffee table trying to learn to walk. I want her to run up a cell phone bill texting boys. I want to walk her down an aisle. I want to change it all so, so badly. But I cant. This is our reality. And theres no stopping it.

Whenever Harrison gets hurt, or has to pull a bandaid off or something, Keri will ask him, Are you tough? Are you BRAVE? And that little boy will nod his head and say, I tough! I brave! Im looking at Keri right now and I dont even have to ask. Shes TOUGH. Shes BRAVE. Shes incredible. Shes remarkable. Shes cut from a different cloth, combining wit, beauty, courage, silliness, character and integrity into one spectacular woman. And somehow, shes my wife. Not that I needed some awful situation like this to actually see all of that, but what it did was make me want to tell everyone else about it.

More From this publisher : HERE

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The Heartwrenching Reason This Mom Is Delivering a Dying Baby With No Brain was originally posted by 16 MP Just news

#16 MP Just news

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arplis · 4 years

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Arplis - News: Why Insecure People Struggle with Vulnerability

As weve seen on this site, vulnerable communication is the solution for finding a healthy relationship and happy life. At a glance, most treat vulnerability as if it is something every person can do. Many believe that if the person sets their mind to it, they can get their needs met in a healthy manner. Unfortunately, this is only the case for secure individuals.

Secure individuals are capable of expressing themselves and regulating their emotions because they believe they are worthy of love and affection. They expect their partners to be responsive and caring. Its easy to see that having such beliefs can lead on to not become overwhelmed as easily. Secure individuals have no issue communicating their needs to their significant other.

The problem is that insecure people -my previous self included- struggle to get in touch with what is really bothering them. Once the emotional floodgates open, its easy to become overwhelmed. These can create irrational thoughts, which can end in a person lashing out.

Meet Tyler. Tyler works at an aerospace company and is currently dating Terra. Like any other average anxious attachment type, Tyler is madly in love with Terra. Terra, who is an avoidant loves Tyler as well -but she calls him crazy for his weird behavior. Sometimes when Tyler gets off work he shows up at Terras apartment not to surprise her, but to check on her. To make sure she isnt cheating. Like most anxious people, Tyler perceives his relationship with Terra as fragile. Hes obsessed with making sure it works.

Moments later he asks his boss if he can leave. He tells his boss his girlfriend is sick, and needed to go to the hospital.

These thoughts are just illusions, but the more he thinks about them, the more anxiety builds up. The more real they feel. The thoughts of what she might be doing is like being punched in the face over and over. Shes cheating. Uppercut. Maybe shes telling someone else she loves him. Left hook. Shes probably laughing at how stupid he is while shes been sleeping behind his back all this time. One-two combo.

This fear and anxiety is a product of his childhood relationship with his mother. Flash back to fifteen years ago. Tylers mom, Susan, was inconsistently responsive to Tyler. Sometimes when he cried and needed attention his mother was there. Other times, she would just ignore him because she had her own agenda that she needed to tend to.

As a result, this formed Tylers emotional blueprint of how relationships are supposed to be. This blueprint guides behavior and suggests what and how things should be done. When Tyler didnt get his needs met through asking in a healthy way, he started to feel emotionally neglected. He felt a low sense of control over the love and affection he wanted to receive.

As these feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty were building up immense emotional pressure, the anxiety swirled throughout his little body. It was so overwhelming that Tyler had to do something. So he packed up his kindergarten backpack with his favorite Batman underwear, a pair of Nike socks and his GI Joe Commander Duke. He walked into his moms room with tears streaming down his face and told her he was running away.

Okay, she said. Have fun living on your own.

Tyler couldnt believe it. His mother didnt give two shits about him. He was worth nothing to her.

He felt sick. Alone. The world was heartless. His solo life began when he walked out of the front door. The pressure to fend for himself crushed him. He walked three blocks and then climbed up his favorite tree to cry his heart out.

Its easy to tell from this life experience why Tyler became anxious and fearful about finding security. This experience hardened the belief that his relationships were fragile, and that any normal level of communication was not enough to gain the reassurance of love Tyler needed.

Experiences like these lead an individual to perceiving themselves as having low-worth. As a result they have low social self-confidence, they lack assertiveness, and they believe they have little control over their life.

When emotions are tense, intellect becomes nonsense.

Flash back to today. Tyler shows up at Terras apartment. He is screaming at her to come out. He is calling her names, and the neighbors are beginning to notice.

Terra comes outside and tells him to leave. He threatens to leave her in response, even though hes only saying it in a desperate hope of gaining reassurance from her.

Tyler has entered into a Vicious Anxious cycle.

Unfortunately Tylers way of expressing his needs by threatening to leave has pushed his partner away. Understandably, his crazy behavior causes Terra to withdraw.

LEAVE, TYLER!

As a result, Tylers emotions build up even more. Just like they did with his mother in kindergarten.

Such behavior doesnt always end in a breakup. This batshit crazy behavior may cause two reactions out of Terra. She may call it off with Tyler. Shes had enough of his shit.

If she does end the relationship, Tyler is left wondering if she was cheating, or if she left him for being too clingy, or if she felt they just werent right for each other.

If Terra does respond or give in to reassuring him, Tyler will never know if she is just responding to the batshit crazy behavior, or if she actually loves him. This makes it even harder and more confusing for Tyler.

Any anxious person talking this path will never figure out if their significant other is answering their real concern whether s/he cares enough to listen to your worries, reassure you, and make you feel safe and loved.

If youre an anxious person, you probably crave a way to get out of feeling all of this inadequacy, shame and anxiety. I know I did.

The way to get out of this toxic relationship is to use vulnerable communication.

Lets change the introduction to the story. Lets Imagine that Tyler texts Terra and speaks honestly about his feelings. Hey. I feel insecure and unloved, and I could really use some reassurance. Tyler reassures her that this feeling has nothing to do with her, but rather how he has been conditioned to perceive relationships. How do you think Terra would respond in this case?

Most likely, Tylers vulnerable communication would encourage Terra to help meet his needs. He isnt attacking her. He isnt threatening her. He is just telling her how he feels, and asking for reassurance. Despite most people finding this a needy characteristic, such emotional mastery is actually a massive turn-on. It shows maturity and courage. Terra will most likely respond kindly and give Tyler the reassurance he needs. It may not be right away since its through texting, but once she does respond she will comfort him and be there. Thats all Tyler needed.

Action Steps:

Despite the biological fear of getting hurt, take a leap of faith when your emotions build up. Avoid using batshit crazy behavior. Instead, use vulnerable communication.

Step 1: Before you act, ask yourself this question: Would Kyle Benson tell you its bashit crazy behavior? texting excessively, threatening or trying to make your partner jealous all count.

Step 2: Communicate your anxious feelings to your partner in a non-accusatory, vulnerable way.

Avoidants

I wouldnt want to avoid the avoidants, now would I? Avoidant attachment-style individuals tend to be unaware of their need for distance and space. As an avoidant, you crave a need for space, a need to run away, yet you dont understand why.

Terra, who is still dating Tyler, just got fired from her job. Tyler, who is an anxious attachment person, immediately overwhelmed her with new job opportunities and connections. Despite knowing that Tyler is doing this out of love, she feels a need to escape, a need to breathe. Shes actually associating this craving for space as a signal that she just isnt that attracted to Tyler.

Theres no point in talking about this to Tyler, because it feels so obvious that he is not The One. So Terra ends it.

This is her 9th failed relationship.

Most avoidants that have attachment issues with intimacy actually lump them in a toxic cycle of failed relationships.

The way to get out of this toxic, fulfilling cycle is to use vulnerable communication.

Step 1: Recognize the need for physical or emotional space.

Step 2: Communicate that need to your partner. If you can, do so early in the relationship before the feeling happens. Doing so not only sets healthy expectations and respects each others needs and boundaries but also lets your partner know that your need for space has nothing to do with them. In turn, this will also calm their attachment style.

If your partner is not responsive within a reasonable time, dump them and go find someone who will. You deserve to be loved and have a healthy relationship where you get your needs met. Not to mention asserting yourself vulnerably actually builds self-esteem and self-confidence, and provides one a greater sense of control.

Isnt that how you want to feel about yourself and your relationships?

A version of this post was previously published on KyleBenson and is republished here with permission from the author.

Talk to you soon.

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abstergx · 4 years

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january 2-3 2020

the year didnt start off that well. i practically had a meltdown during nye. but like whats new? i feel like significant dates and events trigger me. i just feel so small and insignificant and helpless when i think about how ive spent my days. and now things are slightly getting a bit too much again. like im not happy but im not sad and im just in a sort of limbo state at the moment. i dont know how i feel. maybe im overwhelmed? placement starts on monday and im super unprepared. im still at that stage where i dont know if i even want to do it. i dont know what i want to do with my life. i just feel so lost. at the same time theres the whole thing going on with m. that makes me so confused too. like apparently he has feelings for me but he hasnt made a move because i dont put in enough effort. but i dont know what he means. like he bought me presents for my birthday and christmas without expecting anything back. but now i feel like i have to reciprocate but im not good at these things. ive already ordered some things for him but it just doesnt feel thoughtful enough. on top of that im apparently a really bad replier. like i get that i know i am but like i already reply to him so much faster and more often compared to everyone else. and i see him almost every week. like i dont know what more effort means. hes been calling me out about my replies tonight in a joking manner but i know deep down i have to take it with a grain of salt because he might actually be lowkey hurt by it. i dont know. it doesnt help that weve had to have a as like a middle man between all this but its not like m is one to talk about this stuff and im not either. i dont fkn know anymore. also our conversations are kinda becoming boring. its only been like the last few days or week that this has happened and i dont know how i feel about it. its like the conversation just keeps going around in circles about the dog joke and shit. like were not actually talking about anything. how do you expect me to reply to that. how do you expect me to want to reply to that. another thing that gets to me is that i feel like im the one that always shares stories or information and he just listens but never really contributes. i dont know if it means i have to ask him questions to get him to talk but like the more i think about it i feel like i barely know the guy. i dont know if all this is in my head or what. is it bad that despite everyone telling me he has feelings im still kinda skeptical just because i dont get why me. and on top of that i know i have my guard up. its like im scared of commitment. maybe because im scared of being hurt again. and this time shit will mean more because its not just some high school shit anymore. maybe im scared to be open to the idea of us because im scared of opening that side up to him. im fkn damaged goods. i still have my really bad days and id have to be open about it and i dont know its just scary. he likes me more than i like him. well thats how it seems from the amount of effort hes put in. hes really lovely though. hes taken care of me when im drunk and munting and he goes out of the way to drive me home. i dont deserve this. i think im self sabotaging again. whenever something seems too good i somehow fk things up. maybe thats why i dont reply that quick or i dont ‘try’ enough. because im trying to keep my distance because this just seems like too much of a good thing. am i even ready for a relationship? am i scared of commitment? i really dont know. and on top of all those problems, what about my parents. how would they react and what would they say and do if i do start seeing m. they are so restricting its suffocating. it gets me so riled up. it makes me feel helpless and unable to grow. i dont even want to get started on that whole situation because honestly, i hate to say it but i resent them so much. i feel like im locked in a cage. man im fkn a mess.i need to get out of here. i dont see any other way. like i dont know how much longer i can live in this situation. like honestly, each year it just hurts me more and more and even though theres been improvement, i dont see the light at the end of the tunnel. will i even make it to the end of the tunnel? am i capable of that? im not getting that bad again but its like everything is piling on top of each other and im just getting buried. its getting harder and harder for me to get out. damn. this was a lot to unload. i think it helps though. i hope i find the courage in me to speak out eventually. i dont want to get bad again. oh yeah pretty sure it was on dec 30, i punched the ground again. great way to enter the new year right. my knuckle is still a tad cooked but i mean, its not bad or anything. oh well. i just with that 2020 will be a year of self growth and healing and freedom. im highly skeptical it will happen but its not bad to always hope right?

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topicprinter · 5 years

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Hey guys, my name's Rob and I thought I'd share my experience as an entrepreneur starting an online coupon site DealsXtra and an email sourcing tool Contactout. Lately, I've been musing on trying to find a greater sense of purpose, so please take the time to read the article below and let me know what you thinkI went to one of those personal development cults seminars once, and I asked a barrage of questions:What is the purpose of life? What should I do with my life?“Shut the fuck up”, the seminar leader said“You already know all the answers inside. You’re just asking me for permission to do what you already know is right. You’re looking for validation. Stop. You don’t need anyone’s permission. When you get an internal sense of what’s right, just go do it. Act, and then see what happens. Adjust your actions depending on the results that you get.When you come across a problem, think for yourself how to solve it, trust in your own judgement. See the world with your own fresh pair of eyes and make your own conclusions from first hand experience. Don’t just listen to everything that other people tell you. Always question and think critically; other people are no smarter than you are. Listen to others, but think for yourself.”FOLLOW YOUR HEARTThe best advice I’ve ever gotten in my life is to follow my heart. I think of it like, there’s a guiding compass inside of me, that always knows which direction to go. An inner voice that knows what’s right. I just need to tune into it and trust it.For example, right after university, I worked in investment banking and hated my life. I hated the lack of freedom, the repetitive tasks, the ass kissing. I knew I wanted to work on my own business. An online business that would let me travel and explore the world. But I didn’t trust myself. I’ve studied so hard to land this job. All my friends where in corporate. How could it possibly be the right move to leave when everyone else was happily working? Wasn’t I living the corporate dream? I kept looking to other people for career advice, when I already knew. It took me 6 months to find the courage. I decided to start my own business – it was the best decision of my life.Elon Musk also follows his heart. He calls it: “thinking from first principles”. When asked how he came up with the ideas for Tesla, SpaceX and Paypal, Elon looked inside. He asked himself what are the biggest problems that humanity is currently facing? And thought about solutions to those problems. Meanwhile, most people are caught up with the crowd, trying to ride market trends. Let’s do cryptocurrency for dogs!SOCIAL CONDITIONINGThere are all these people telling us how we should live our lives. Social conditioning is fucking with us everywhere. Work is telling us that climbing the corporate ladder means success in life. Fashion trends are defining what beautiful is. Our social group is making us conform and act in a socially acceptable way.Man, I see in Fight Club the strongest and smartest men who’ve ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see it squandered. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables – slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised by television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won’t. We’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off. – Fight ClubHumans are tribal creatures; we’re wired to go with the crowd. But just because everyone else believes in something, it does not mean that it’s right. In the past, everyone believed that the earth was flat. We look back and think that’s ridiculous. Now imagine that you’re in the future looking back. Could it be that there are heaps of popular beliefs we hold today that our future selves would think are ridiculous?We forget to listen to ourselves. Our default state is to listen to others. We spend our lives trying to live up to other people’s expectations. But most people have never sat down and really thought about what they want to do with their lives. And it’s important that we think about it because we only have one life. We only have a limited time on this planet. One day we will be dead.You’re time is limited so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. – Steve JobsThe challenge for our generation is creating a world where everyone has a sense of purpose. Purpose is that sense that we are part of something bigger than ourselves, that we are needed, that we have something better ahead to work for. Purpose is what creates true happiness. – Mark ZuckerbergSOCIAL CONDITIONING VS FOLLOWING OUR HEARTSDo we listen to social conditioning? Or do we follow our hearts? The book “The Fountainhead” explores this question. The story goes like this:Once upon a time there were two architects who went to university together – Peter and Howard. Peter was super social; he became the head of the architecture society. He networked his way into a really prestigious firm after he graduated. Worked incredibly hard, sucked up to all the right people and eventually became a director of the firm. Made tonnes of money and retired a rich man. Towards the end of his days, though, he looked back on all the buildings that he designed and thought to himself: “All these buildings are ugly, I don’t like a single one of them. Every building I designed was driven by what the client wanted, or what my firm wanted.” He felt like his vision of the perfect building was still trapped inside him, and that nothing he achieved in life meant anything.Meanwhile the other architect, Howard, just didn’t give a fuck. He hated the Victorian design classes at university because it was unnecessarily ornate. Howard wanted to do minimalist post modern design. He ended up dropping out of university and going to intern with an architect who he had a lot of respect for. However, the architect wasn’t getting much business because his designs were so radical. Later on, Howard started his own firm. But he would only take on clients if the client gave him complete freedom to design the building however he wanted. His clients would have no say in the design at all. Howard didn’t have many clients and only built a few buildings in his career. However, he felt that every building that he built was a representation of his truest vision of art. The pylons of the building were like Howard’s bones, the windows and wooden finishings were his skin and flesh, each building was a temple to his soul.Would you rather be Howard? Or would you rather be Peter?How has social conditioning influenced how you live?Write down 10 of your core beliefs.Which of your beliefs did you consciously decide upon, and how many have been dictated by society?Which of your beliefs are helping you and which beliefs are holding you?Are you living the life you want to live, or the life society wants you to live?How do YOU want to live your life?LOVE WHAT YOU DOYour work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle. – Steve JobsWHY BIGGER GOALS ARE BETTERMost people set small goals in life. We don’t set ourselves big goals because we’ll fail. But big goals are actually easier to achieve than small goals. People are inspired by big goals and will go out of their way to help you. Investors will give you money. Big goals create movements and bring together teams. Small goals may be easier to accomplish, but not as many people will help you do it. Also there’s much less competition with big goals. How many of your friends are trying to cure cancer or solve cold fusion? How many friends work in accounting? Sure curing cancer is a million times harder than working in accounting, but there’s a million times more people that your competing against if you choose accounting.When I started my coupon site 7 years ago, I just wanted to earn enough money to support myself and travel. This wasn’t going to become a big business, so I had trouble attracting investors. When I pitched at startup conferences, investors would be like, “cool story bro, needs more dragons.” I had no money, and my goal wasn’t very inspiring, so I had trouble hiring great people. I ended up spending 4 years figuring out marketing by myself and building the business to a level where it supports my lifestyle – yay, go me.Meanwhile, Tim Kently-Klay managed to build Zoox into a 1.5 billion dollar business in the same time frame. Right… So wtf am I doing with my life? Here’s how Tim did it. One day Tim woke up and was like, “I want to build fully autonomous self driving cars”. No, not some half-arsed version like Tesla. Tim explains that by completely removing the steering wheel, driver’s seat and components needed for human driving, you can make a much more efficient self driving robot. A fully autonomous Uber – that was the dream. A slight problem was that Tim knew fuck all about self driving cars. But Tim was a hella smart guy who had started a successful graphics design company in the past, so he set about reading everything he could on self driving cars. After a year of intense study, he drew out some blueprints for his self driving car which he displayed at some conferences.His plans were given the honorable title of “Vaporware Horseshit” by critics. However, Tim hustled on and met Niki the venture capitalist who gave him a million dollars.Tim took that million dollars and went to the self driving car team at Apple. He said to them, “hey so you know… you guys are all screwed because Apple is shutting down their self driving car project. So come join me and we shall conquer the world.” And the self-driving car team is like, sure, seems legit, why not? Then Tim went to Lord Draper, the greatest venture capitalist of them all, and was like, “Hey I am building a self driving car and have the best team in the world to do it, you should give me 30 million dollars.” Draper thought for a while and then he’s like, sure why not? Tim took that money and convinced more people to join his jihad. Then he goes and raises 250m at a $1.5bn valuation. Tim does all this in 4 years.I set a small goal; build a coupon site. In 4 years I accomplished it. Tim set a big goal; make fully autonomous self driving cars. And in 4 years he has built a $1.5bn company.What would you rather be doing?If you could achieve anything, what would you be working on?WHAT ABOUT MONEY?When I was in college choosing my career, all I cared about was: how much money could I make? So I chose investment banking. And I quit after 6 months. But anyway. Most of my peer group chose their careers because of money. It wasn’t always like this. Back in the 60s, we had just landed on the moon. Einstein and Edison were the celebrities of the day. People wanted to be inventors, explorers and scientists – to work on things that would push forward the envelope of human progress. Nowadays people want money – financial security. What happened to changing the world? Most people are not working on meaningful problems. Millions are dying in Africa. Our best and brightest proceed to go work in finance or tech or whatever industry is the most cashed up.If you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you’ll spend your life completely wasting your time. You’ll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living, that is to go on doing thing you don’t like doing, which is stupid. – Alan WattsBeing the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me. Going to be at night saying we’ve done something wonderful that’s what matters to me. – Steve JobsHere’s the thing: solving the world’s biggest problems is the best way to make money. This makes sense from an economics perspective. If you create the most value then the market will reward you with the most money. But wait, how the hell would working to solve poverty in Africa make more money than being an investment banker? Banking appears to be a steadier path to making more money – if we view things from a short term perspective. But what about in 10 years, 20 years and more?Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in ten years– Bill GatesLet’s say you start a social enterprise in Africa. In your first year you make nothing and your banker friend makes $150k. In 10 years, your social enterprise does well enough for you to live comfortably. Meanwhile your friend is making $2m as a director. You wonder if you made the wrong choice. But in 20 years, Africa grows rapidly, income levels rise 20x to western levels. Business is booming because your customers can afford to pay you western prices. Everyone now wants to invest in Africa. Multinationals are in a bidding war to buy your company. The land that you brought for ten thousand dollars per hectare is now worth a one million dollars per hectare. You are now worth over $100m. Meanwhile the world realizes investment bankers are basically glorified real estate agents – annoying and unnecessary. Bankers and real estate agents get replaced by a super efficient AI marketplace and your friend is made redundant.BUT IT’S RISKYSure, chasing big goals is risky. People say that 9 out of 10 new ventures fail. Well, what if you tried 30 times? It’ll take about 4 months to see if a venture will work out, so you can try 3 new ventures a year. If you work on it for 10 years, you’ve tried 30 different ventures and you’re basically guaranteed success.How I got over risk of starting my own business was, I said to myself: even if I tried for the rest of my life and I died trying, would I be happy? Yes, because I enjoy the process of trying to change the world, building a business, and working on something I find meaningful. I can’t control if I will succeed or not. What matters is that I tried.It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. – Franklin D RooseveltImagine at the end of your life, you realized that you never gave your dream a try. You just let it slip past. How would you feel?When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like, “If you live each day as if it were your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me… and since then, for the past 33 years I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself, “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I’m about to do today.”And whenever the answer has been, “no” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.Because almost everything: all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure… these things just fall away in the face of death… leaving only what is truly important.Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. – Steve JobsLIMITING BELIEFSPeople have all these limiting beliefs about why they can’t achieve their dreams. Like, I am not smart enough, I have a family to support, I am too old, I have a very needy cat.All these bullshit excuses. How do you know you can’t do something until you’ve tried? You don’t know. It’s much more useful to believe you can do anything, because then you’ll try. If you don’t try you fail by default.Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world usually do– Steve JobsPeople seriously underestimate how far willpower can take you. It doesn’t matter where you come from or what your circumstances are. Got a family to support? Keep your day job and work on your dreams at night. Not smart enough? Spend twice as long studying. Too old? KFC was built by a 70 year old. You are not a victim of your circumstances.What are some things you want to achieve but feel like you can’t?YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO MANIf there’s one story that demonstrates how far willpower will take you despite the hand you’ve been dealt, it’s that of Barrack Obama. No not the president, but his father Barrack Obama Sr.Obama Sr grew up in one of the poorest families in the world in Sub-Saharan Africa, but his son went on to become the most powerful man in the world. How did this happen?Obama Sr grew up in a Kenyan village. School was a little shanty hut where all the village children were packed into one class. Education sucked, but Obama Sr showed some spark. He had one thing going for him: he was able to learn English since grandfather Obama was a cook in a white household. One day, some aid workers came to visit their village. Teenage Obama Sr was like, “damn those aid workers looking fine, I think I’ll go chat them up.” The aid workers were impressed by Obama Sr’s drive and encouraged him to apply to the University of Hawaii’s African scholarship program. Barrack Sr studied intensely and with the tutorship of the aid workers managed to get the scholarship. At the University of Hawaii Obama Sr met Ann Dunham who would become Obama Jr’s mother. When he wasn’t chasing skirts, he managed to top his class and get a full scholarship into Harvard Law School. Willpower can get you from growing up in sub-Saharan Africa to going to Harvard Law School, to your son becoming the president of the United States.Now you may be thinking Obama Sr is smarter and more driven than I’ll ever be. He has better genetics. Just because he has achieved greatness doesn’t mean that I can. But are successful people really smarter than us? So I was in Silicon Valley last year doing a program called 500startups where I got to meet tech billionaires and industry leaders. It was surprisingly underwhelming… The advice these billionaires gave was mostly self indulgent, generic and useless details. “so I cooked lunch for my team everyday, and everyone loved my cooking”. “Ohh marketing, we didn’t do any marketing, the product just grew by itself”. The best advice I got was actually from other startup founders who were still hustling to make it. Then it struck me. These billionaires are not better than the rest of us. They’ve just worked hard and on the right things. But they’re fallible humans. We are all cut from the same cloth. I can do whatever they can do.Malcolm Gladwell writes about the 10,000 hour rule: how a master in any field has practiced for at least 10,000 hours. If we put in that amount of hours, we can master anything. Take Laszlo Polgar, a Hungarian psychologist who, after studying hundreds of great intellectuals, identified a common theme – early and intensive practice. He hypothesized that with intense practice, he could turn his three daughters into prodigies. He chose chess as the perfect activity to train his children in, because it was creative and analytical and had objectively measurable results. Two of his daughters went on to become grand-masters. No women had ever achieved the title of grand-master before. All three daughters ranked in the top 6 in the world for chess.Sure, we’re born with certain physical characteristics or elements of our personality that are hard to change. But the moment that we accept ourselves, take the wheel and start steering, that’s when things start happening. Take Lebron James vs Steph Curry. Lebron has the perfect genetic build for a basketball player. Steph doesn’t. He doesn’t have the height, he doesn’t have the bulk. But he doesn’t give a shit. He proceeds to practice the hell out of his shot. And with that, he has achieved a level of success to rival Lebron. You may not be able to change some part of yourself, but you can develop other parts and be just as effective.Cool, so I believe I can do anything I set my mind to. But…HOW DO I FIGURE OUT WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE?To discover your “why”, ask yourself these questions. Find the common denominators in the answers and you’ll have your first lead to explore in finding your why. The commonalities in your answers may point you towards your purpose, and give you some directions to explore.What do you think is biggest problem in the world right now?If money and time weren’t limiting factors, what would you allow yourself to dream of doing?What makes you feel angry, or rise up at the injustice you see?What gets your emotions going? what brings tears to your eyes?What makes you happy?– Daniel Flynn, founder Thankyou WaterREADRead. Do a shit tonne of reading, and then read some more. There are world leaders and billionaires who have spent years distilling the best of their life’s wisdom and principles of success into books. Books that we can access instantly for $10 on Amazon. It’s the digital age. We are the first generation to have the entire trove of human knowledge available on demand in our pockets.Yet most of us don’t read. What the fuck? Instead we spend our time watching TV. What did Kim K name her kid? Did North Korea fire another rocket? What happens next on Game of Thrones? All this bullshit that we don’t need to know about. Our newest drug addiction is social media. It gives us a hit of validation, a new like, another viral video. But there’s no substance, no meaning. The short term hit leaves us shallow inside and longing for another, and another. Popular media is fucking up our brains. It’s the information age buffet. Because we’re fat fucks from the first world, we say, give me all the junk food, broccoli can fuck off. We need to treat the information we consume like food and watch we’re putting into our bodies.LISTEN TO AUDIO-BOOKSThe best life hack that anyone has ever told me is to listen to audio-books at 2x speed. You can listen to audio-books whilst you’re at the gym, or driving, or any other mindless task. This way, it’s easy to find 2-3 hours everyday, and if you do, you can finish 2 books every week, and 100 books a year. 100 books will put you miles ahead. Most people don’t even finish 100 books in their lifetime. I started audio-books 3 years ago, and I’ve learnt more in 3 years than I have in the rest of my life combined. School didn’t teach me useful skills, books did. Books written by people who have done it before. You can get most popular titles on Amazon’s Audible book store. Make sure you select the USA Audible store as this has the widest selection.WHAT SHOULD I READ?Check the New York Times best sellers list. Ask mentors what their favorite books are. Google for book recommendations by Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg or other people you respect.Here’s a list of my favorite books:The Power of Now by Eckhart TolleThe Fountainhead by Ayn RandSelf Compassion by Kirstin NeffThe Four Agreements by Don Miguel RuizThe Singularity is Near by Ray KurtzweilCrucial Conversations by Kerry PattersonThe Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson100 book recommendations FIND MENTORSAfter reading and researching what I wanted to do. I got in touch with people who’ve done it before. No matter what you’re trying to achieve, there are 7 billion people in the world and there are people out there who have done similar things to what you’re attempting to do. Find these people on Linkedin and ask for their mentorship. Ask people who are not your direct competitors, people in a different geography or who have moved onto something else. You’d be surprised at how many people respond. I got around a 30% response rate. Here’s an email that I sent.Hi John,I am Rob, an Australian tech entrepreneur linkedin.com/in/robliu. We’re building contactout.com a recruitment tool similar to Connectifier but targeting the Australian and UK markets.I would greatly appreciate your mentorship and advice on growth and how to do sales for recruitment tools, and any insights you’ve gained from your experience at Connectifier.Would you be free for a brief chat on Skype? Happy to send you $500 for your time.Kind Regards, Rob LiuJohn was previously VP Marketing at Connectifier, a competitor whose business model I was trying to copy. John came on board as an adviser and helped me add over one million dollars in value to my business. It all started with an email.When emailing, bribe people. Offer them $500 to talk to you. This makes it look like you’re serious about your request and respectful of their time. Most mentors are rich already and won’t accept your money. For people who do accept your money, don’t bother talking with them. Because if they need $500, then they’re probably not very successful, and would make a shitty mentor.After reading, researching, finding mentors, you’ll still have to figure out a lot of the journey by yourself. You’re aiming to do something great and that involves blazing a path into the unknown. It’s like playing soccer. You can read all about soccer tactics, you can practice dribbling, practice kicking. But if you want to get good at soccer, you need to get out onto the field and play the game. Think for yourself, follow your heart, and take action.You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well worn path; and that will make all the difference. – Steve JobsYOU ARE ON THIS EARTH FOR A REASON.We’re here to put a dent in the universe. Otherwise why else even be here?– Steve Jobs“Are you a born writer? Were you put on earth to be a painter, a scientist, an apostle of peace? In the end the question can only be answered by action.Do it or don’t do it.It may help to think of it this way. If you were meant to cure cancer or write a symphony or crack cold fusion and you don’t do it, you not only hurt yourself, even destroy yourself,. You hurt your children. You hurt me. You hurt the planet.You shame the angels who watch over you and you spite the Almighty, who created you and only you with your unique gifts, for the sole purpose of nudging the human race one millimeter farther along its path back to God.Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It’s a gift to the world and every being in it. Don’t cheat us of your contribution. Give us what you’ve got.”– Steven Pressfield

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Gloria Allred on Suing Trump: Its Going to Be a Battle

PARK CITY, Utah This will teach you a lesson.

Those six words lit a fire under Gloria Allred, the renowned womens rights attorney, that burns brightly to this day.

To understand Allredher motivations, her fears, her single-minded pursuit of justiceyou have to know her story. Its an eye-opener, and one that few of her (mostly) male detractors, who have taken to dismissively branding her an ambulance chaser or media whore, have even scratched the surface of.

Im all about empowerment, she says. Words will never stop me.

In the mid-60s, Allred split from her husband after his bipolar disorder began posing a threat to their childs well-being. A single mother, she moved with her young daughter, Lisa, from Philadelphia to sunny California. Shortly thereafter, and needing to blow off some steam, she took a trip with one of her girlfriends to Acapulco. There, she met a striking physician who was to take her out for a night on the townbut first, he said, he had to make some house calls. He guided Allred into a house, only no one was home. The man brandished a gun. Then he raped her.

It gets worse. The attack left her pregnant, and it being the 1960s, a safe, legal abortion wasnt an option. So Allred was forced into a back-alley abortion. She went alone. The procedure left her hemorrhaging, and, losing considerable blood, she checked herself into the hospital, where she was placed in a ward with numerous other women whod received the same procedure. Many of them didnt make it. As Allred lay in recovery, the nurse tending to her looked her dead in the eye and said, This will teach you a lesson.

Allred has, in the decades since, became not just a champion for women, but for minorities, too. Shes taken on the Catholic Church, the Friars Club, the TSA, you name it. In 1995, she became a household name after representing the family of Nicole Brown Simpson during O.J.s murder trial; in 2004, she filed the first lawsuit to challenge the same-sex marriage laws in California, on behalf of her longtime pals Robin Taylor and Diane Olson. (The California Supreme Court ruled in their favor, setting an important legal precedent in the fight to legalize same-sex marriage.)

I represent numerous persons who allege they are victims of Harvey Weinstein, and some of them allege that they were the victims of inappropriate conduct here as well. At Sundance.

Gloria Allred

And at 76, she shows no signs of slowing down. In recent years, Allred, whos been dubbed the master of the press conference, has garnered headlines for representing 33 of Bill Cosbys sexual-assault accusers; several women accusing the director Roman Polanski, film executive Harvey Weinstein, and politician Roy Moore of sexual-assault; and three women whove accused Donald Trump of sexual-assault. Shes currently representing The Apprentice contestant Summer Zervos in a defamation suit against President Trump, after he called her a liar for claiming to have been assaulted by him at the Beverly Hills Hotel in 2007the same hotel where he allegedly rendezvoused with porn star Stormy Daniels.

Oh, and if that werent enough, shes the subject of an inspiring new documentary Seeing Allred, that debuted at this years Sundance Film Festival and will be out Feb. 9 on Netflix. The film, directed by Roberta Grossman and Sophie Sartain, chronicles Allreds journey from working-class Philly to celebrity attorney.

I sat down with Allred at Sundance to discuss the doc and her storied career.

Its interesting that this documentary is premiering at Sundance, because this is the place where Rose McGowan alleges that Harvey Weinstein raped her.

I represent numerous persons who allege they are victims of Harvey Weinstein, and some of them allege that they were the victims of inappropriate conduct here as well. At Sundance. But I cant discuss them further.

The McGowan episode is said to have happened in 1997. Its 21 years later. One of the major fest themes this year is courageous women, with documentaries on Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Jane Fonda, and yourself, and the Respect Rally that you spoke at. There seems to have been a seismic shift both at this festival and beyond with the #MeToo and #TimesUp movementsit seems to have a lot to do with the election of President Trump?

I think this wave has been building for many years. Women have been speaking out long before the #MeToo movementalthough thats been importantand many of them have been speaking out with me because they want their voices to be heard, and because they demand change. But I think the wave has become a tsunami, and were never going to be the same again. Were not going to be silent anymore, because the cost of silence, they have assessed, is greater than the cost of speaking out. Its really harmed them emotionally in many cases, its harmed them economically, and in some cases they allege theyve been harmed physically as a result of trying to keep all that rage and anger about what theyve been forced to suffer within them. So I encourage them not to tranquilize themselves out of their anger and their rage but to take that as a source of energy and have it help them move forward in a positive, constructive way. It may be too late for them to sue or too late for law enforcement to assist them in any way, but its not too late for them to speak out, to demand legislative changes, to run for office, and to fight for change.

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But the election of Trump seems to be the thing that lit the fuse, no? When you elevate a man to the highest office in the land whos been accused of sexual-assault by 19 women, and whos on tape bragging about assaulting womenand whos said very ugly things to you, when he said youd be very very impressed with his manhood…

Yeah, well, you might notice who prevailed in that battle. We demanded that [trans contestant Jenna Talackova] be put back in the beauty pageant and to remove the rule that you have to be a naturally-born female, and he did put her back and he did remove the rule, and of course ultimately said he was going to do that anyway.

And I meana year or two later, after we won that battle, I happened to see him at Fox News in the green room. He was on a show before I was. I was sitting there with another client and about to come on a show, and he comes in, and I thought, oh my goodness, whats he going to say to my client? So he says, Oh, Gloria. I heard you were here. He turns to my client and says, Miss so-and-so, I just want you to know: you have the best lawyer. This woman is relentless. She will never stop until she wins you the justice you think you deserve, so never, ever fire her because you will never get anyone better. I was astounded, given that wed just won that battle. And Ive never seen him since.

Whats the status of the fundraising for Summer Zervos defamation suit against President Trump? Id read that you were at $30,000 in donations at the beginning of this month.

Well, were actually not engaged in fundraising. What we have done is weve put on our webpage that if people want to contribute, they can. But weve done no fundraising activities, mailers or any of that. So many people have asked us if they can donate, and where they can donate, and we certainly welcome it because the costs of litigating a caseforget the fees, Im not charging for my feesagainst the President of the United States and his billionaire friends, some of whom may or may not be contributing to him, this is a huge endeavor. We need the support of the public, if they wish to provide it, but Im not going out actively soliciting [donations], because Im very busy with the cases.

What did you think about The New York Times piece late last month? It accused you and your daughter of partisanshipbasically, a left-wing conspiracyin receiving donations from prominent Democratic allies, like David Brock, in pursuing lawsuits against Trump.

I remember the piece youre talking about. It mixed up a lot of things that really werent related. Let me be clear: David Brock hasnt contributed one cent to us.

That money went to your daughter, Lisa Bloom.

Well, I dont know what shes received or what she hasnt received, but not one cent went to me or any of my clients. And thats all I can say.

How confident are you that Summer Zervos defamation case against Trump will go forward, and that youll be able to depose the President of the United States?

Were waiting for the courts decision. Ill say that I am hopeful, but there are very complicated legal issues involved. Weve made our arguments, hes made his motion to dismiss the arguments, weve made our arguments in opposition, theyve replied, and now were waiting to see what the court will do. The judge appears to be a very bright judge who asked the right questions from both sides. Its going to be a battle.

Trumps defense is interesting here. His team is arguing that what Trump says is protected by the First Amendment, and that the statements he makes at rallies to rouse people dont have to be entirely truthful.

Im glad you mentioned what you just said, because the reason we filed this lawsuit is because we believe the truth matters. Thats the reason. We believe truth matters, and we believe that if a person believesor has reason to believethat they were defamed, they should have a right to pursue the person that defamed them.

Has President Trumpor any of his intermediariessettled or attempted to settle with any of your clients?

Not to my knowledge.

What are your thoughts on Stormy Daniels reported $130,000 settlement with Trump? The whole situation is interesting, because Trumps longtime lawyer, Michael Cohen, is alleged to have created a company in order to transfer the settlement funds surreptitiously.

Ill just say that I did not represent her in any settlement, and therefore I have no comment if there was a settlement. But its definitelyan interesting issue. But I will say, with the film, I hope that people who see Seeing Allred understand that they can take on in their own lives people who are powerful that have hurt them. Whether these people are celebrities in the political world, the entertainment world, the sports world, the education world, they religious world, they can take this as a teaching moment and say, wait, I can stand up and do something about the injustice that has been inflicted upon me by this powerful person. That, for me, is what its all about.

I wanted to ask about your daughter, Lisa Bloom. Theres a very brief scene in the film that mentions how she worked for accused predators Harvey Weinstein and Roy Price, and it was later revealed how she provided opposition research in response to Ronan Farrows queries in an attempt to smear Weinsteins alleged victims. What are your thoughts on her decision?

[Silence]

It seemed, at least to me, like she got blinded a bit by the Hollywood element. Harvey Weinstein was opting her book for a potential film or television project. A similar thing happened with Hillary Clinton, who was developing a project with Weinstein up until the sexual-assault allegations surfaced.

My daughter has her own law firm. She decides who shes taking on as clients and who shes not. I have nothing to do with those decisions, and she doesnt decide who I take as clients or dont take as clients. So all I can say is I love her, I support hershes a wonderful lawyerand I have no comment on that other than to say Im proud of my daughter, and shes doing what she can to help victims.

Once you learn the full breadth of your story, it seems extra insidious when you see powerful menand it is mainly mencriticizing you, a person whos been assaulted, for primarily defending women who have been assaulted, harassed or discriminated against by men.

I will say that I do want to give credit and recognition to many men who come up to me and say, I have daughters. Thank you. I know youre waging this fight for my daughters. I do think that many men who care about their daughters understand that, but look, its about education. Theres always going to be some individuals who are not well informed, who want women to be subordinated, who want women to be denied their rights, and who want women to live as second-class citizens. But Im about real change. Im about empowering persons who are victims and minorities who are denied their rights, so I just think of the brave suffragists before me who fought in the United States for 72 years just to win the right to vote. I know what herstory is. What they went through was far more of an act of courage than what Ive been engaging in for 42 years, and they were not deterred by being called names or being accused of falsehoods. That doesnt deter me, either.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/gloria-allred-is-ready-to-take-president-trump-to-court-its-going-to-be-a-battle

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