#whatever. i will hope and believe that itll work out until i know that it wont. hhhhh. worst case scenario i guess ill just have to save up

[be-good-to-bugs]

maybe i WILL get to move back home

#the bin #i talked to my mom and things might go ok but idk #i just have to wait and see but i desperately hope i can move. i need to see a doctor so bad. my whole body feels horrible all the time #and my tooth has gotten so much worse. i can deal with it if thres an end date. i cant deal with it indefinitely. and i cant afford to get #it fixed without insurance. i would rather die than deal with this shit for another however long i have to i CAN NOT do that #esp bc i would need to go to work while experiencing it. idk. im shaky literally ALL the time and my insides alwyas hurt and my joints #hurt so much too. and half the time im at work my chest hurts and i cant see straight. i cant fuckin do this anymorew. #apparently my dad might be getting a new job so their landlord might be more willing to renew but idk. she said she should know on april 1st #which isnt that far away but idk. i mean. its not impossible theyll renew. who knows. i hope so. #i know at keast thst i have a way to get there if there is a place for me to live so thats good. my health cant take this anymore. and im #also not able to emotionally. idk what other option i have but. god. its hard enough as is. im having like a perpetual panic attack since i #found out i probs wont get to move. im tryna be optimistic. i dont think im physically capable of staying here any longer #it was hard enough to stay herenthis extra yearm ive been having breakdowns repeatedly over it. and my physical health keeps worsening #i miss my little sister. i wanna be able to see the people i care about. theres so few people in the world i enjoy being around and i dont #get to see them ever. instead i have to see my second least favorite person in the world in order to even just get groceries #hhhh. i want the time to pass so i can know for sure but i also desperately dont wnat it to cause im so scared itll be bad news #whatever. i will hope and believe that itll work out until i know that it wont. hhhhh. worst case scenario i guess ill just have to save up #and figure out moving there later on but like. i was really happy to NOT have to worry abt rent or working so i could focus on my health and #then i could go back that that stuff. oh well

[sillypilled-friendcel]

ignore this

#(theyre reasoning: #we recognize it as a temp agreement made for the purpose of giving us some sort of income and independence until we get a job) #(my reasoning: #the stuff we do is all stuff we'd do anyways out of obligation (or enjoyment for certain things) anyways) #(verdict: #still out) #(conclusion: #either way we take it for granted that we have this opportunity in the first place. we've gotten used to living pretty damn comfortably #and we need to take a step back every now and then and realize how lucky we are. #maybe stop worrying over things like this and consider more “what can [i] do to help others” or whatever else #<- voice of a girl who wants to do volunteer work again so fucking bad #anyways long storg short: appreciate what youve got and know it wont last forever. you have it better than most and #it may be difficult to believe how good they are when theyve hurt you so badly but [one of them is] trying to change for the better #and that diesnt mean you need to forgive them but it does mean you need to try living less in alert mode #<- talking to a boy with “live in alert mode disorder” lol #srsly tho. itll be hard but we need to liwer our gaurd a bit. not to make us vulnerable but so we dont get so caught up in the past that #we reject that present and fuck up the future. #youre friends (probably) like you #even if youre annoying #and you're a lot safer than youve ever been before. have hope they'll be gone soon and then you'll be even safer. #youre living a relatively good life nowadays (esp in comparison) and you dont want to miss it or take it for advantage #youre doing youre best. if someone had a problem they'd tell you. maybe try to ramble ur thoughts less. #just delete the damn messages next time if you really can't help it #<- you dont realize youre doing it until after its done so best option probably #also try to get more sleep. take ur meds on time. #also also respond to your roleplay #also also also roy hasnt made the rp starter yet. consider trying to make one? itll be a challenge but you need that challenge #<- relevant: make hcs for ur characters and add them to proper channel mwh #<- <- <- all today. please. #)

[aftonfamilyvalues]

Do you have any silco fic recs that you'd be willing to share? I'm begging for crumbs I feel like I just keep finding bad ones but mayhaps I'm looking in the wrong places 🤲

Drink With Me - you are a bartender, jinx hires you to work for the last drop. part of your duties? bringing silco a bottle of his fav every week. life changing. genuinely, it changed the way i view writing, as silly as that sounds. its a ride, fucked me up but ends so sweetly. i still can not believe you can read this for free. literally revolutionary in the fan fic game. complete. smut.

One More Round - some added pieces for Drink With Me. one shots, chapter rewrites, all that jazz.

Drink With Me: The Virgin AU - not sure if itll be added to One More Round or whatever but I wanted to give it its own spot. a rewrite of the smut in Drink With Me but silco is a virgin. interesting! ongoing. smut.

All That's Left - a talented young scientist who was adopted by singed, you are convinced to join the revolution. there you meet silco, one of the three leaders. the fic does an amazing job at establishing the reader in universe. also the "inaccurate science" and "just making shit up" sounds legit lol. made me fall in love with the young version of silco, it really hits a spot i didnt know existed before. pure love. complete.

Everything Else - bonus content for All That's Left. fun!

Timeless - time travel au. with silco dead and jinx having dragged zaun into an unwinnable war with piltover, life is misery. that is, until you find a hex crystal which throws you back in time almost 2 decades. guided by the ghost of silco, you have a chance to change the fate of zaun and most importantly, the fate of the silco of this universe. the one currently fucking me up! what the fuck is chapter 6?! oh my god! ongoing. tags promise eventual smut.

Bend But Not Break - regency au. youre the zaunite governess for little jinx, a girl living in piltover with her wealthy industrialist father. with odd rules and a shady employer, something strange is going on in this old mansion. just make sure to lock your door at night and do not, i repeat, do not go into the attic.

The Mourning Eclipse - soulmate au. after the death of your mother, you move to zaun and into a supposedly haunted penthouse. not being a believer in the paranormal, you ignore the warnings and make yourself comfortable in your new home... until the ghost attached to the piano and bookshelf that came with the place makes himself known. without any memories of his life, you set out to help the ghostly man figure out why hes still here. ongoing.

Secret Ingredient - baker au. just got around to reading this one finally, as im in currently reading this between putting this list together. like only a few chapters in, but im really loving it already so its going here. i make the rules! ongoing. smut.

The Rest of the Recipe - horray! more content for another lovely fic! dont you just love it when that happens?

Battered and Baked - another baker au, its inspired by Secret Ingredient, actually. a good one for a quick fix of young silco. hes so sweet, maybe sweeter than your honey rolls. ongoing.

Trust - virgin silco? virgin silco. one shot. smut.

Substance - you get drunk one night and accidentally marry one of the sons of zaun. time to get to know your new husband, i suppose. hope nothing bad happens to him! another young silco, hes something special, isnt he? complete but the final part isnt uploaded to ao3 so link to final chapter here. smut.

Come Morning - you find the eye of zaun in a daze wandering around. you take him to your home to rest up and recover. he seems to have taken a liking to you though after that. complete. multiple endings including one with smut and another that will break your heart! take your pick!

What Lurks Below - mermay fic. a strange fish man saves you from a watery grave. you quickly befriend him despite not being able to speak each others languages. maybe more than befriend? the only problem is you could never truly be together... unless? ongoing.

Treat You Right - you admit to sevika that youd fuck the boss. he overhears. also hes a virgin in this one too. lol. one shot. smut.

Look Good - a little game of teasing your boss goes a bit too far. one shot. smut.

Concessions- masquerade, paper faces on parade. youre a royal and as such must be wed soon. but why not have a night of fun beforehand? who knows, perhaps this man will want your hand. one shot. smut

Gala of '81 - another masquerade, hide your face so the world will never find you. you fuck a mysterious mask man at, you guessed it, a masquerade. one shot. smut.

Purgatory - more young silco because i apparently just cant get enough. i dont know, take care of him and suck his dick i guess. works for me! one shot. smut.

A Drought in the Night- vampire silco au! i did mention how much of love vampires right? he just fits so perfectly. very sexy. mmm. anyway, youre tasked with fixing him a drink and bring it to him after the head bartender is out of work. one shot.

A Little Thirsty- a sequel to A Drought in the Night. one shot. smut.

Here - sweet fluffy morning sex. need i say more? one shot. smut.

Tummy - hehe. one shot.

The Kinkman (Read: Very Murderous Crimelord) crack fic. you get a text from a wrong number and decide to fuck with him. one shot.

No Strings- remember that brothel scene? that masked man named pim? well, you get to fuck pim!... wait, i thought this was a silco fic rec? one shot. smut.

#ask #league of fazfuck #fazfuck fic recs

[sojrner-fishsticcc]

loona pm - further updates!

lots and lots of updates for this post! been trying to make roughly a post per day to not go overboard but still share what im working on cos MAN ive been absolutely going through this project! this rules!!!

so first off, very minor and later addition i finally gave loona glowing eyes! ive been meaning to do that for a while but i finally figured out how to! so yah, she looks v pretty now.

the major thing was animation. WAYYY more animation. i discovered the cpm modeling discord last night and its helped me get a really good grip on how it works (if you ever use cpm, go there because trust me you are not going to figure this stuff out on your own.) so heres just a big list of poses i animated (still a lot left! ahh!!!)

 - walk cycle (improved!) now looking at it after looking away from it for a while it looks a lil goofy so i might rework it at some point but god i cant get over how nice that digitigrade cycle looks.

 - run cycle! (omg its so cool im so so happy with how it came out) like seriously. i am so so proud of this. some of the hair bobbing and the chest and head movements are a bit stiff so i will probably improve on them. still, this is absolutely the part im the most proud of.

 - jumping (meshes super well with running anim, a bit buggy when falling long distances but thats a bug with cpm itself) i recorded this one in game since AHGHHHH it looks so cool in context. the running-jumps are rad as hell.

 - sneaking and sneak walking. like the running, i cant get over how the digitigrade walk cycle here looks. it has a lot of bone clipping that is probably not anatomically correct nor comfortable but whatever. it looks cool and i like it. sneaking is still buggy, so i cant do things like spam the shift key as that little “hello!” thing that some people do, because cpm has some issues switching between poses instantly, so here when crouchign for a split second it displays the default crouch but then corrects itself making it bug out. that sucks but i dont really know if theres much i can do about it.

- punching/swinging with both hands! more of a minor thing, but hey these little details are super important. id love to figure out if i could make a context thing so that it makes a full horizontal swing when holding a sword or weapon. (i didnt feel like recording a gif for this just believe me bro.)

thats about all i have so far. i plan to do much more and fix some minor bugs like symmetry in walk cycles soon but its a bit difficult. also, not only animation got an overhaul- i also finally implemented proper armor mapping that’s compatible with (hopefully!) any armor set! heres a demonstration of that using the minecraft dungeons armor & weapons mods, just bcos they look very cool and they help a lot with details in armor. (oh and btw, i made the hair specifically press down against her head when wearing armor, of you can tell)

as a further plan, i really want to add some extra movement stuff to this. i know that custom player models allows changing the hitbox, health, reach, etc. and i really want to make this loona model run really fast and have a super high jump. like i said in a previous post, im a big fan of the videos \@rohan_furries posts of his mod which adds detailed anthro fox models to mc, and one of the things it does is add a ton more movement so you can absolutely fly around and lunge and stuff. i really want to add that because GOD running around and kicking ass in this model would be i think the coolest thing in the world. i really hope i can add more detail to the animations because i would love to just stack so much detail on this thing until its so so so smooth... but generally i think itll be mostly finished by the end of this upcoming week, including polishing some of the already existing poses. but ill probably still continue working on it beyond then to add some cool movement stuff like i said above, which i dont know if its even possible but GOD if it isnt im going to figure out how to get it working. i also want to get it working with other buggy things, like some modded armor sets arent compatible with the armor mapping ive set up. ill have to ask around on the cpm discord for that because god the people there really seem to know what theyre doing. theyre all rad as hell btw. other ideas ive had include blinking anims, maybe some more polished idle poses, startup and finishing anims that help it transition between poses more smoothly (which i swear to god might be broken but might just be doing it wrong.) and also gestures if i can figure those out. i also might try to change the arms to be made of two segments instead of the current one so i can get a bit more detailed with the posing. im struggling between adding detail and maintaining the minecraft artstyle. im also excited to finish this project so i can do this all over again but better with another model. dont really know what character its going to be, if you have any suggestions send them to me i guess? idk, i might find a cool one or make one of my ocs or make an oc just for this.

when i finish this model i dont really know what to do with it. its mainly a little project for myself, but i really want to share it with people. ideally id want to sell it for like 10-20 dollars because this thing has taken hours of my time but i still want to share it with people, but im 16 and dont have a way to transfer cash :\ might figure something out, whatever. if you’re interested in getting your hands on it once its finished maybe send me a message? i cant guarantee it but i might if you seem cool.

ok, NOW i need to go to bed since its like LATE as HELL right now. good night guys :)

#loona #loona helluva boss #furry #furry art #furry character #minecraft #minecraft mod #modded minecraft #3d model #pixel art #helluva boss #development #gif #player model #showcase

[pinnithin]

long kind of sad gay poast ahead

saw something about loving the unlovable and it got me thinking about how its a central theme in most of my writing. paired with like, isolation, being separate/other, the doomed concept of human connection, being the only person who can love and understand you the way you need, etc - i watched evangelion way too young if you couldnt guess.

anyway and this is due to the fact that a core part of my identity and personality revolves around the fact that i considered myself unlovable for the majority of my life, first unconsciously through childhood neglect, then by choice as some "you cant fire me i quit" teen angst sort of thing, then by a doomed sense of resignation all through college. its a significant part of how i see myself even now after years of working to unlearn it - ive managed to dial it back to "im difficult to love" which still isnt great but yknow. better than it was

which is why i have attachment issues and preferred one night stands for a long time. my romantic relationships (many of them short lived) have been with well meaning partners who assured me constantly that like, even though youre difficult to love its worth it. and that was all nice and good but it made me feel so fraudulent and disgusted with myself because it put me in the position of thinking either 1) this person doesnt actually know me that well at all or 2) i have somehow tricked this person into thinking under all the baggage theres someone worth loving. which is something i find difficult to reconcile with because the baggage is me too. i cant get rid of it. inevitably those people got wise and it ended up not working out.

by now have all these arguments and strategies geared up to explain to people who make the mistake of caring about me that its really not worth the effort, we're better off as friends or acquaintances, etc. im very transparent about the issues i deal with so its all just laid out there from the beginning and im not like, tricking people into being in a relationship with me or whatever by hiding it. ive talked in circles with exes over and over along the general lines of "im difficult to love" > "no youre not" > "i have xyz wrong with me and i push people away, trust me you dont want to deal with this" > "okay well we can work on that, and youll get better and itll be worth it" > "what if i never get better" > "you will, ill help you" > [me relenting bc im unable to dash their hopes and dreams that even if i Get Better im still Me at the core and the things that make me difficult to love are a permanent part of me]

the relationship im in now doesnt even let me get into that. shan is just like, youre not. youre not difficult to love, youre actually very easy to love and it has always been easy to love you, even before we were dating. and i dont have a comeback for that.

even with my usual strategy of "heres an itemized list of all the reasons dating me is a risk" theyre just like well sure, thats difficult for you to deal with, and im sorry its so hard for you, but that doesnt make you difficult to love. the loving is easy. that part has always been easy.

she doesnt treat me like a problem that needs to be solved she doesnt try to be my savior from myself she doesnt give any indication that shes just waiting it out until i reach a certain threshold of acceptable or unacceptable. she just loves me and trusts me to take care of myself, and it places a lot of personal responsibility on me to be better - not for us but for me, because im the only person who can do that and they know it.

its the healthiest relationship ive ever been in and ive never felt so safe and free to be myself. i dont need to live up to any expectations to eventually make myself lovable. im easy to love. hard thing for me to believe in self practice but going back to the inherent disconnect between all humans, who am i to know or control what they consider easy or difficult? i dont judge her when something she finds difficult is easy for me, so why wouldn't the opposite be true?

#started thinking about this first thing in the morning for some reason #i think because im moving again and its making me think of the last time i moved #out of the house i shared with my ex #something about grief being cyclical idk #pin talks #im doing a lot of posting and not a lot of packing. lol

[honeykawa]

Fly | Route: Tanaka Ryuunosuke

genre: mafia au, choose your own adventure

warnings: violence, suggestive themes but nothing graphic

word count: 3.1k

Fly Masterlist

“I choose him”

You looked at the man who had been standing in the corner of the room with his arms crossed

“Tanaka get your ass moving and take them home. Pick them up in the morning and take them home from now on. Make sure they dont run away or itll be on your head”

“Got it boss”

The car ride to your apartment was filled with silence and the soft sound of music coming from the radio

You were too nervous to say anything

The growing feeling of anxiety in your chest made it almost hard to breath

You started to unconsciously grab at the area above your chest and your breathing became irregular

‘How did i get into this mess?’ ‘whats going to happen to me?’

These thoughts keep rushing through your head

“--hey are you okay?”

Tanaka pulled the car over so he could stop and assess just what was happening

And from the way he saw it...it looked like an anxiety attack

His panicked a little himself watching you like this he didnt even want to imagine the feelings rushing through you right now

He got you to control your breathing again and come down from your panic

“You good now?”

You nodded your head, still weary about being near this man

He could tell you were still on your guard with the way you wrapped your arms around your body, as if you were trying to make yourself smaller

“I know it seems rough right now but i swear itll be okay”

His voice was soft with you, something you didnt expect from someone in the mafia

The car ride after that went pretty smooth

“We’re here”

The ride went faster than you thought it would and you got out of his car before saying your goodbyes

“Ill pick you up in the morning...if you need me heres my card”

He held out his card to you as you slowly took it from his hands

“See you”

And with that he sped off as you went inside your apartment to go to bed, hoping that maybe this had all been a dream

Once tanaka got back to his apartment he immediately plopped himself onto his bed and covered his eyes with his arm while thoughts of you plagued his mind

‘Cute’

His arm fell down to his side and he just stared at the ceiling

“Get your shit together tanaka. Your job is to watch them, nothing more”

He rolled over to his side with thoughts of you fading as he drifted into sleep

You woke up to the sound of light knocking on your door

And as soon as you opened the door it finally set in that last night really did happen

“Are you ready to go?”

Tanaka took one look at you and let out a deep sigh knowing that you werent

“Ill give you fifteen minutes”

You nodded your head as you ran back into your room and changed into something work appropriate

Wait where were you working? What would be considered work appropriate?

Based off of what tanaka was wearing you assumed something business casual

When you came out you looked at tanaka to see if this was good enough and he just nodded his head and started walking back towards his car, opening the door for you to get in

“I talked it over with daichi and youll be working with me as my assistant”

Your eyes widened and he immediately knew what went through your mind

“No not like that! Like with actual business stuff you wont really have to do anything with the mafia”

His flailing around made you laugh a bit and lifted a weight off of your shoulders

Listening to you laugh was almost relaxing, his cheeks heating up from the mere sight of your carefree smile

He gave you a quick tour of the place and introduced you to the others if you ran into them but that was about it

As his assistant you really didnt do much

If anything it felt like he was just an over glorified babysitter

But you shuffled through the files he gave you and sorted them the way he wanted

Tanaka watched you from the corner of his eye while you both worked

It wasnt that he was worried you would do it wrong

But it was just last night that you had that anxiety attack right in front of him

“y/n do you want to go out?”

You looked up from your papers and looked at him in confusion

“Right now? And what do you mean by ‘go out’?”

A big smile appeared on his face

“Yeah right now! Lets go! And dont think too much of it”

He stood up and grabbed his wallet

You followed him and as you two rounded the corner of the block he held the door open to a small cafe

“Go ahead and order whatever you want its on me”

You were weary about being here

Would you two get in trouble for leaving like that?

Tanaka could see the worry still lingering on your face and rose his hand to gently pat your head

“Like I said its on me so dont worry about leaving the office ill take any repercussions if there are any”

The grin on his face took a weight off of your chest and you felt like the air around you wasnt so thick anymore

After getting back to the office no one had even noticed that you two had even left

Whos running this place??

The next few weeks seemed to be fine

It was almost like you lived a normal life and you werent being watched by the mafia

You and tanaka had grown closer and it was easier to talk to the others now

He treated you kindly and tried to understand your situation

Unlike the two interns who always berated you for not knowing where certain files were or would roll their eyes when you would flinch at sudden movements the first few days

But tanaka took it slow with you, doing little things so that youd be more comfortable

At first it was subtle

If you needed to go make a copy of something he’d suddenly need to go grab something from the copy room with you even if you insisted that you could get it for him

Or how he always tried to include you in conversations with others so you would get more comfortable around everyone

Tanaka grew to be someone who it was easy for you to be around

But that sense of calmness was quickly wiped away when you joined him on one of his...excursions

“Heres the case. Now give us what we want”

Tanaka held the case in front of him while you just watched from the car

Sure, he’d take you with him but he’d never let you actually get out

He didnt really want this to take too long

Especially since it was just him against a good handful of men

But the men he was making the trade deal with suddenly saw you in move in the car and locked eyes with you

His smile sent a chill down your spine formed on his face

“New deal: give me that hot piece of ass in the car and you have a deal”

Tanakas jaw clenched at the the disgusting words just said about you

“Im sorry but,”

You couldnt see tanakas face until he looked up at the man in front of him

The look on his face utterly terrified you

“I’ll kill you if you even try to put a hand on them”

Everyone stood there unmoving, too scared to move

Tanaka turned around and headed back to the car where you were

“Deals off if that wasnt clear”

But one of the other men moved towards him

“The fuck you mean its off!”

Tanaka easily evaded the man’s advance and took him down with only a quick few movements

“Anyone else want to try”

The question was simple enough but no one dared made eye contact with him as he got into the car and drove off

The car ride was quiet, youd never seen tanaka look like that before

It scared you

He scared you

Tanaka noticed your silence and reached a hand out to pat your head but his chest went heavy at the sight of you flinching

“Y/n?”

You knew he wouldnt hurt you but you couldnt stop the slight tremble

“Im sorry tanaka”

A weak smile appeared on his face

“It’s fine y/n. i’ll take you home, okay?”

You just nod your head and neither of you talk the rest of the ride

A few days go by and you can feel the distance between you and tanaka growing

Its so noticeable that the others in the office can feel the awkwardness between the two of you

Tanaka suddenly stood up from his seat which startled you but he quickly rose his hands

“Woah sorry didnt mean to scare you”

He said it with such a sad smile on his face that it almost hurt to even look at him

“Ill be back in a moment, gotta use the bathroom”

You nodded your head as he left and let out a sigh

You knew he was just doing business

This was his job

It just shocked you to see the man thats been so kind to you to look...like that

Tanaka on the other hand knew this would happen eventually

He washed his face in the sink and looked up at his reflection

‘Remember your place. They deserve better’

He wiped off his face before heading back to his office only to see you not there

His heart just drop not seeing you there

“y/n?!”

He was about to bolt out of there but as soon as he turned around he bumped right into you

You fell onto the ground and the papers you were holding scattered around everywhere

You both just looked at each other for a moment

“Tanaka--”

Before you could say anymore he scooped you into his arms and you could feel the slight tremble in his shoulders before he quickly pulled away once he realized what he was doing

“Sorry y/n i dont know what came over me”

He started help to pick up the papers you dropped but before he could get too far you pulled him into a hug

He was frozen on the spot at feeling your touch

The warmth from your hands made his heart beat erratically

“Im sorry tanaka”

Your arms tightened around him

Youd seen so many sides of him

How clumsy he was

How kind he could be

Youve also seen how scary he could be and honestly it still shocked you

But you want to believe in him

The him thats been nothing but gentle with you

You could hear him let out a shaky breath before pulling you into his chest

After that your relationship with tanaka went back to normal

Or at least as normal as it could have been

Ever since that day youve started to notice how your heart speeds up whenever you look at him

Or the butterflies in your stomach when he smiles at you

He was careful to not let you see the mafia side of things anymore

You appreciate the thought but youd be lying if you said it didnt worry you when he came to work bandaged or bruised

Today was one of those days where tanaka had picked you up with some visible injuries

The cut on his face looked fairly fresh and without realizing it you reached up and gently ran your thumb over it

“Um what are you doing y/n”

Not that tanaka hated this

He felt his heart flutter at your touch

“You know, i dont mind helping you if you need it”

He smiled and took your hand off of his face

“Thank you y/n but im fine”

Just knowing that you cared was enough for him

‘I love you’

They were words he couldnt say

But he knew this life wasnt for you and he couldnt force you to come live in it

A few weeks go by and you feel like every time you get close to him he pulls back to just keep it barely within the realm of just friends

But that was fine as long as you could stay near

It was another one of those days where tanaka was off doing mafia business so noya kept you company

He always had his guard up but he seemed to take a liking to you

“Do you like tanaka”

The question caught you so off guard you dropped your pen

You looked up at him

“Is it that obvious?”

Noya kept working on whatever was in front of him not even sparing you a glance

“Painfully”

You could feel your embarrassment rising

“But if it makes you feel any better i think he likes you too so promise me...make him happy”

Before you could say anything back noyas phone went off and he immediately answered

His eyes went wide and his head whipped towards you before hanging up and dragging you somewhere

“Noya! Where are we going?”

He rushed you into a car and he took the wheel before driving off to who knows where

“Where are we?”

He got out of the car and opened your door

You were at an apartment complex from the look of it

“We’re at tanakas apartment hurry up”

You immediately got out and followed after him and you almost felt your legs give out seeing the state tanaka was in

Bloody and battered

Hinata was sitting next to his bed with his arms crossed

“Idiot rushed in despite not having a gun”

Noya rolled his eyes

“You know he doesnt like carrying one whyd you let him go alone?”

“Not my fault he didnt stop to think”

They kept talking to each other and went into the other room leaving you both alone

His breathing seemed stable as he slept but tears escaped your eyes as you took a seat next to him

Noya left you with tanaka and told you to take care of him

“He’ll try to tell you hes okay. Dont listen to him hes a fucking liar so take good care of him for me”

It was funny but it almost sounded like a goodbye

Tanaka woke up later that night only to see you sitting next to him with tear stains on your cheeks

The thought of you shedding tears because of him both hurt and warmed his heart

He reached up to wipe your face despite the pain he felt

Your cheeks fit perfectly within his hand and he found it cute how you leaned into his touch subconsciously

He couldnt move much but this is all he needed

You woke up before he did that next morning and decided to make some breakfast for the both of you

When you came back in he was just waking up

“Good morning tanaka”

The smile on your face as the sunlight trickled in through the window made him feel at ease

This...this was the life he longed for

“Morning”

He tried to sit up but flinched while doing so

You rushed to his side and set the food down before helping him up

“Dont push yourself. Youre still pretty banged up”

You changed his bandages for him every evening after that

“I can do this myself you know”

He said it with a light laugh

He was starting to get back on his feet and regained most of his movement and strength

“I know but...id like it if you would rely on me just a bit more. I know i cant do much but i can do this”

He didnt say anything back to you after that

In all honesty he didnt want to do it himself

Every time your hand even brushed over his skin it felt like he was on fire

Even the scars that have long since healed throbbed at your touch

His heart beat so hard against his chest that he was afraid that you could hear it

“There all done! Hope that wasnt too bad”

‘Dont smile at me’

‘Youre far too precious’

‘I dont know what ill do if you look at me like that’

He really was planning to let you go, he was fine with just keeping you at an arms length away but now he knew he was in too deep

You got up to put the first aid kit away but he quickly pulled you into his bed with him and he held you tight against his chest

His face was buried into the crook of your neck

He didnt know what he wanted anymore

He wanted to keep you safe but he couldnt guarantee that with him being in the mafia

He hated it

This life wasnt the one he wanted anymore

The life he wanted was with you

Slowly, he rose his head to look at you

“Run away with me y/n”

Your eyes widened in pure shock

“What...what did you just say?”

You couldnt believe what he just said

His eyes were serious though

“Run away with me. I dont want this life anymore. I want to give you the life you deserve. One filled with happiness and laughter where you dont have to worry about things like if ill come home the next day or not. One where you arent targeted. I love you y/n. I love you so much so please, run away with me or so help me god ill just take you”

He held you so tight that it felt like he might break at any sudden movement

You wrapped your arms around him and held him gently against you so you wouldnt hurt any of his wounds

“Then take me away”

That was all tanaka needed to let go of any reservations that were holding him back up

He kissed you with everything hes been bottling up until this moment

Your lungs burned as pulled away, both out of breath but hungry for more

“I hope you know Im not letting you go. Youre stuck with me now”

You laughed and kissed his forehead

“I wouldnt have it any other way”

That night was spent in each others arms, both of you longing for the others touch and neither of you wanting to be apart for even a second

Noya visited the apartment a few days later only to be met with complete silence

A knowing smile appeared on his face as he shook his head

He knew wherever you two were you were both happy

Because he knew you would keep your promise to him

#tanaka ryunosuke x reader #tanaka ryuunosuke #tanaka ryuunosuke x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyu scenarios #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu mafia #tanaka x reader

[lgbtqlegends]

I adore every angsty thing you write, so I come to you with this request:

Headcanons for if Bishop had brainwashed Sara and made her either forget the other Legends or just turn against them? Bonus points for the aftermath after she’s back to normal.

aww thanks!! i'm glad you enjoy all the angst i write!! thanks for the ask n hope you enjoy! (ps sorry it took a while to answer)

also okay so like,, I'm not sure if you wanted these headcanons to be like,, "sara was returned to the ship already brainwashed & clearly turned against the other legends" But,,, reading this prompt has sparked,, a bit of a different, more angsty idea (still the same premise, just a bit of a twist on the when). and, well, i'm sucker for angst so,,

-okay so like. bishop altered her when he cloned her. we Know this. he spliced her DNA with an alien's DNA, obviously, but like. also. we know he has the capability (and no moral or ethical objections at all) to alter other stuff, ie he altered his own pain receptors. so like, it begs the question: what else could he have changed? what else could he have altered that sara didn't notice?

-like, okay, let's be real, bishop would have absolutely No qualms about coding sara's brain to make her turn against the legends at any given moment. and sara would have no idea. like,, he could've coded her brain to make her turn on the legends at the snap of his fingers. he clearly has no moral objection to doing so, and with the way the whole thing has been thus far explained, it sounds like a plausible thing that he couldve done

-so, anyway, onto the rest of the headcanons, assuming that this would be the reality: bishop altered sara's brain and 'coded' it to make it so that he could make her turn against the legends at any given moment

-he lures her into a false sense of security, gives her time to start thinking/believing that the only thing he changed was the alien DNA. he lets her get comfortable, being back with her team and especially being back with ava

-he does it in a moment where everyone would least expect it, in a moment where they're all together, hanging out, and all their guards are down for the time being (because. y'know. Of Course he would choose a moment like that)

-it's like,,, they're all having a family dinner or like,,, having a team movie night or smth. one moment sara is laughing and smiling with her team, thinking about how much she loves this and how there's nowhere else she'd rather be, and then the next minute the switch has flipped and she's been turned against her team, and suddenly she's attacking everyone with like,,, full force, not holding back bc why would she if her brain's been turned against them (think like,,, okay so i'm pretty sure it was divergent that i remember this from: without like,, getting into the specifics of divergent, basically sara's brain, i guess, would be altered so that instead of seeing the legends as friends they become the enemies. i mean like,,, obviously,, but i mean like,, okay idk where i'm going with this whole divergent thing but-)

-so anyway, she starts pretty much full-on attacking them out of seemingly nowhere, and no one knows what the hell is going on, but they know this is Definitely Not sara (like,, okay the Know it's Sara but they know it's not necessarily like,,, her,,, in control)

-the more,,, observant,,, legends noticed a split-second before she started attacking that something in her changed, first by the look in her eyes, and then immediately after how she went from laughing and smiling with the rest of the team to just,,, like,, nothing at all, and a second after that is when she started attacking

-now like,,, anyone on the ship who was there during the whole death totem thing would know like,,, sara when she's not in her own head and not in control of her body,,, is Very dangerous and could be very lethal if they're not careful, so,,, they mostly take an,,, avoid and tactical retreat type of strategy rather than like,,, offensive/defensive type thing (because they know how that turned out last time and they know that they'd most likely lose)

-none of them really know what to do because none of them are really sure if this is something that can be fixed, they don't know if there's any way that they can get sara back to normal,,, and that Hurts them, because they all love her and they really don't wanna think about what would happen if this couldnt be reversed (and also like,,, the fact that they would have just somewhat-recently gotten her back from outer space it's just like,,, it's a lot)

-eventually (and it was,,, Not easy) they get her to the brig or w/e it's called now (i think ava's called it a dais?? idk lmao) and they get her inside and like,,, trap her in there until they can figure out how to get her back. they probably also maybe like,,, take extra precautions and like,,, chain her up or smth (bc like,,, they'd still have to let the barrier down to give her food n stuff so,,,)

-since she's chained up n can't exactly do much, ava decides to go in there one day, "just to see, because we've tried everything we can think of so far and there has to be a way to get her back, there Has to be, and she's strong, alright, and maybe if she just,,, Feels me, maybe she'll come back to us. i have to Try"

-so she does. she lets down the barrier, steps inside, puts it back up. the rest of the legends are in the room for back up (just in case), and they watch as ava steps up to sara, who's struggling against the chains, trying to break free. ava puts a hand against sara's chest, right over her heart, and then leans her forehead against sara's, and she talks softly to her, saying whatever she can think of that might get sara to come back, to Remember

-sara struggles against her at first because she's still brainwashed, but sara is nothing if not strong and stubborn and persistent, so of course she ends up fighting through and remembering who she is and who the legends are

-she's confused for only a moment before she remembers and looks around at her team, and then she loathes herself with every fiber of her being, and she kinda just,,, loses all the fight that she has in her for that moment and just kinda,,, falls so that the chains are the only thing holding her up

-ava undoes the chains and then pulls sara into her arms so she doesn't fall completely. sara tries to push her away because she doesn't think she deserves this and also she's Terrified that she'll end up hurting ava anyway, even though she's back to herself. ava just holds her tighter though and they kinda both slowly sink to the ground

-the rest of the legends let the barrier down and kinda like,,, step closer to her

-normally sara would Hate anyone but ava seeing her this vulnerable but this isn't really a "normal" situation and also she's like,,, a little too wrapped up in self-hatred to be able to make sense of much, so the rest of the team kinda just like,,, piles in n surrounds her in a group hug to like,,, try to get through to her and show her that they all still love her

-it kinda works for a little bit and sara just like,,, lets herself sit there and break down surrounded by her team, but as soon as the night comes and she's laying in bed with ava all the self-loathing comes back again full force. at some point she manages to fall asleep, but not for that long bc she wakes up from a nightmare soon after

-she kinda just,,, shuts herself down for a while and like,,, isolates herself/pushes everyone away as much as she can

-the legends know it's a lot for her to deal with and they can't imagine the guilt and self-hatred she must be feeling (bc they know sara is Like That) but they still like,,, wish that they could get her to see that itll be okay

-it gets so bad one night that none of them get any sleep because they're all really worried about sara (and also because sara is in the gym, working herself out to the point of exhaustion and collapse and,, well,, she's not being very quiet about it)

-so they all end up in the gym with her that night, watching her break Another punching bag. and because nothing seems to be working, she grabs one of her throwing knives and throws it back into the wall farthest from her (nowhere near where the legends are standing) and then she kinda just,,, sits down,,, doesn't do anything else or say anything else, just sits down n puts her head in her hands n her shoulders start shaking

-one by one the legends all go n sit down with her and they get into as much of a group hug as they possibly can. its then that they finally get through to sara, even just a little bit, and nothing's really like,,, okay,,, because sara's still very much Not Okay about the whole thing but like,,, they all have a feeling that like,,, maybe,,, maybe itll start to get better from there on out

#avalance #sara lance #ava sharpe #okay so these are like #not necessarily the Best headcanons ive ever written #but they're def angsty so #and also its like 130AM for me rn and im tired lmao #oh and also- #i could so talk about the complete lack of ethics and moral of what bishop did to sara #like for Ages #oh and also could do the same for the Very Questionable ethics and morality of the lazarus pit so like #maybe ill make a post about that idk #anyways #legends of tomorrow #headcanons #headcanon prompts

[blxetsi]

modern sasha braus dating headcanons

lowercase intended !

college!sasha braus x gn!reader

had to write something for my queen 😌✨

- she shares her food with you. I Dont Care She Does

- also since this is a modern au i dont think she would have such an obsession with food as she does in the canonverse (if we can even call it an obsession) i still think she would have a big appetite (and she'd be proud of it tf 😏🙏) but i just dont see her always being hungry as the fandom makes her out to be

- really likes to hold hands with you

- i think itd be really cute if she was studying to become a baker ?? maybe taking a culinary course at the university you two attend ?? maybe you somehow met there or through a friend

- i think she'd still be insecure about her accent (ig if this is au is set in america she'd be from the south 😐🤚) and would speak kind of like a robot to people she didn't know that well

- connie and jean ALWAYS bring out her accent tho,, like with them she can really be herself

- i think when you were starting to get to know her she would be speaking very formally, and youd take it like shes being kinda stand offish or like,, just doesnt wanna talk so youre thinking "okay maybe she doesnt wanna be friends 😁👍" and would back off

- now sasha's upset because you are so cool and unique and she just wants to know so much about you but youve been very distant lately ?? like did she do something wrong ??

- she tells connie, jean, marco, and niccolo one night and connie and jean are on the side of "find y/n and demand to know why their behavior has changed" while marco and niccolo are on the side of "respectfully dm y/n and ask why they havent been wanting to see sasha recently"

- sasha goes with the latter of the two and dms you after passing you in the dining hall, you two literally keep glancing at each other, texting while you sit with your respective friend groups

- after everything gets cleared up sasha is immediately inviting you to hang out with her crew, and even getting some of her other friends like eren, mikasa, and ymir and historia to come join too

- if she has all the people shes comfortable with there, itll be less scary talking with her accent !

- You Love It. You Think Its Adorable.

- you guys would definitely have a friends to lovers type relationship

- like friendly hugs turn into slightly longer hugs, and now sasha will constantly ask to sit next to you during movie nights

- loves to rest her head on your lap while she spreads across the couch

- i think you two would have your first kiss in niccolos apartment

- you two were sitting in his kitchen, with sasha munching on the leftover food he made that night for your get together

- his mom had called him so he decided to leave to go to his bedroom to answer it

- and slowly you guys just kind of,,,, leaned in 🙈✨

- it was slow and really romantic, kinda rough with the crumbs that were around sasha's lips but you didn't mind

- niccolo barged in and ruined the moment 😐🤚 good going pal 😁👍

- you two were so shocked that you two tried to leave

- ended up just walking down the road in silence like wtf i thought yall were trying to get away from each other 😭😭😭😭

- sasha ended up staying the night 🤩‼️

- NOT in a sexual way

- but in like a,,,, rue and jules kinda way where jules comes in through the window (but only sasha didnt come in through the window she came in the front door with you) and you two held each other and gave each other smooches for the rest of the night

- sasha woke up late and missed her morning classes 😐🤚 didnt even care and went back to sleep with you

- i think for the most part you get along well with her friend group

- youre definitely closer to connie, jean, niccolo, marco, and historia

- ymir teases you guys a lot and you cant tell if what she says is just jokes (it always is) or if shes completely serious

- eren, mikasa, armin, annie, along with reiner and bertholdt are more of aquantances to you, just because you dont see them as often as you do the others

- she has such a weird relationship with her english professor

- will literally complain how much work he gives his class and then the next day will gush about how great he his bc he gave her a granola bar for her effort in her assignment

- girl pick a script and stick to it 😐🤚

- has a collection of stuffies on her bed. i dont make the rules.

- anytime theres a carnival in town she drags EVERYONE there.

- you all agree to split up into groups so you can all check out what you want, but you always agree to meet up and eat funnel cake together 🥺

- sasha tries to get you to win her new stuffies

- if you cant do it, or just want some for yourself, shes calling connie and niccolo up PLEADING with them to come find you guys,

- then she claims theres been an ACCIDENT and that you two need help

- niccolo is zooming bc he cares abt his besties 😌✨

- connie texts jean and marco to come find you guys too 😭😭😭

- who gets a kick and a lecture for lying courtesy of niccolo ? sasha. but who also gets a bunch of stuffies won for her courtesy of niccolo ? sasha.

- for your anniversary i think she'd want to do something really fun with you

- she'd set up a pillow fort and have a bunch ot string lights and stuff, have all of her favourite stuffies (which are the ones she thinks of you when she sees) in there too.

- she has chips, she baked little pastries and cookies, and she ordered your favourite takeout

- you guys just watch whatever you want on netflix or whatever and its such a nice night

- it becomes a tradition for you guys, but you two always take turns with setup

- one year sasha did all of the planning, baking and whatnot ? okay now its your turn 😁👍

- you guys even started doing themes now 🤩

- if you guys play board games with your friends youre on sasha's side whether you want to be or not.

- shes also the kind of person that says "i can win fair and square !" but then when bertholdt starts kicking her ass in monopoly her script changes real quick 🙄

- now its "y/n,,, give me some of ur money" and "y/n, buy this property for me" like girl,,,, what happened to playing fair 😍⁉️

- will try and do all of those s/o pranks you see on tiktok

- its hard to get a genuine reaction out of you bc you can TELL SHES RECORDING but she tries anyways

- we love a perservering queen 😌✨

- will call you at random times of the day asking if you guys can see each other

- "y/n ??? are you there ??" "sasha its 2am wtf do you want 😐" "do you wanna ride your bike with me down to the park 🥺"

- also is very observant, knows when youre overworking yourself

- will try and pull you away from what youre working on like "lets go get you something to drink, or maybe we can watch an episode of that show you like before you continue working !"

- if youre persistent that you just HAVE to finish it tonight and cant stop and take a break she'll respect that, until you stay at your laptop for over an hour 😐

- just softly pulls you away like "no lovebug, lets get some sleep okay ?"

- is also very protective of you

- overheard someone making fun of you ?? talking shit ??? her besties better hold her back before she gets suspended 😤‼️

- and since connie and jean absolutely ADORE you, you better believe theyre helping their girl sasha out

- those three are the LEADERS of the "protect y/n club"

- it just becomes niccolo and marco trying to dissolve the situation before it gets physical, and then reiner and armin joining when they walk directly into the chaos

- armin tells you what happened and as much as youre thankful that sasha cares about you so much that she'd defend you like that, you lecture her, jean and connie on not making scenes like that again

- sasha's love language is kind of like,, a mixture of quality time and physical touch

- she just really loves spending time with you, but also very much enjoys being in your arms

- she doesnt shy away from it, and is usually the one to initiate those things

- will hold your hand PROUDLY down hallways or on streets

- always hypes you up too, shes very much so your personal hypeman

- "oh lovebug you look SO GOOD rn oh my god" "sasha pls im in my pyjamas" "and you look like a model baby !"

- sasha is very stubborn however, and if you guys ever fight she is NEVER the one to apologize first, or seek you out to talk about it

- even if shes in the wrong she cant bring herself to admit it, she dug herself into such a deep hole with the stance she took that she doesnt want to take the walk of shame in admitting that she wasnt right

- this can cause a lot of problems in your relationship, but after you explain how much it affects you, shes trying to change

- will always work on her stubborn-ness and pride

- and it actually makes her feel a lot better being able to admit defeat, or being wrong

- she really likes being communicative and honest, especially with you

- i think overall your relationship with sasha is very very fun, filled with good memories, good food, good friends, and most importantly, love.

no bc i really do love her 😐🤚 lemme marry miss braus rq 😏✨

hope u guys enjoyed !! remember requests are open so if you have anything youd like me to write DONT BE SHY ❤️‼️

#aot #aot imagines #attack on titan #attack on titan headcanons #attack on titan x reader #sasha braus #sasha blouse #sasha braus x reader #sasha blouse x rease #shingeki no kyoujin imagine #shingeki no kyojin #shingeki no kyoujin fanfiction #niccolo aot #connie springer #marco aot #jean aot

[dahniwitchoflight]

man, a lot been happening on the internet lately, talking about content creators and parasocial relationships being a big topic recently

I almost don’t wanna post anything about it, cuz I’m not sure how to avoid any sort of stirring of the pot, but there’s an angle to this situation that I think a lot of people are confused about, and that’s “where does the fault lie when a person gets hurt in a parasocial relationship?”

And people I guess are thinking this is some sort of case of power dynamic’s, but I think thinking of it in these terms is incorrect to be perfectly honest

does a content creator seem to have a lot of sway over someone who’s fallen into a parasocial relationship with them? sure it can seem that way

but is that the content creator’s fault? No, as bad as that sounds to the tumblr crowd

this is NOT the power dynamic between an abusive father and their child, or a skeezy boss and their secretary, or any other real abusive power dynamic where the victim faces some sort of real consequence for not being compliant with the abuser’s wishes

this is the dynamic between a casino and someone with a gambling addiction.

can you argue that the gambling addiction/parasocial relationship wouldn’t exist without the casino/creator existing? sure you can

can you argue that it’s within the interests of the casino/content creator to get customers and fans? absolutely

but can you also say that the problem in the situation here is inherent to the person with the actual addiction problem here? someone who gets too invested in the scenario through their own desires and or addiction problems? That many people can go to a casino or be a fan of a person in a perfectly reasonable healthy amount and never get hurt or encounter any issues? Yeah

Even if you dislike the casino/creator and have hard feelings for putting you into a situation where you believed you were gonna win it all, even though the odds of that happening were never in your favor, and rightfully feel you’ve been victimized by them, the casino/creator existing and doing there thing I really don’t believe is the thing at fault here

I think there’s something to the idea that people who are vulnerable to addictions like gambling and thinking that theyll win the jackpot of millions against impossible odds is not too dissimilar from a singular fan of some content creator thinking, this is it, I’m the one theyll fall in love with over everyone else, against all the odds itll be me

and also whatever prevents them from realizing that the consequences of losing would apply to them as well, other people in the casino might lose all their savings, but it wont happen to me. Other people might get lost in the fantasy and then end up being dumped, but it wont be me

I think the brain juice would see these as very similar situations, and this addiction angle I think explains a lot for how people get into parasocial relationships in the first place and why they feel like it’s so hard to get out 

but people are still free to believe that casino’s/content creators are morally corrupt institutions, just from their nature of the fact that their livelihood depends on people and fans crowding to their type of entertainment

At the end of the day, they cannot control what their fans are going to do, they can’t read the minds of anyone who chooses to come to their establishment, they can’t know at a glance or through conversation who’s going to get addicted and who isn’t, they can only see warnings signs after the fact and then damage control, it’s just a messy reality of life that it happens

There are best practices to prevent these types of things sure but those don’t catch every case and inevitably there are going to be people who fall through the cracks anyway

the correct approach here is to mitigate the addiction problem. that’s the real thing at fault here, not any one person

so to answer the question, where does the fault lie when someone gets hurt in a parasocial relationship?

you might be a victim yes, but not a victim of the casino, as much as it can feel like that, your a victim of an unfortunate affliction

people can be dismissive and yell all they want about alcoholics being drunks, or gamblers having no spine and should just be able to not go to a casino, or people who are overinvested fans should just be able to stop back and not care about a creator so much, but I understand that it’s not that easy

but it still doesn’t make it the fault of whatever you got addicted to, It doesn’t make it anyone’s fault, and the casino/creator has less power over an addicted individual than you think, short of banning them entirely, there isn’t much they can do from their end to mitigate an individual’s behavior, I think that is something some people need to hear, I hope people don’t think I’m callous or believe that people weren’t genuinely hurt by the events that happened to them or something

but the fix to this problem doesn’t lie on the casino’s/creator’s end, it lies in mitigating the addictive disorder in the individual’s in particular’s end

this is purely speaking from someone who runs a blog and has thoughts for a fandom that once upon a time a lot of people seem really invested in, (not so much nowadays lol) 

I cannot control anyone of you, I don’t know any one of you, no matter how much I might try or get close or how close any person out there gets to me, I still can’t predict when I might encounter someone who seems overly starstruck, and in no way do I have the ability to navigate those kinds of relationships properly. I simply do not have that sort of therapeutic training and I think it’s a little bit unreasonable for people to expect that from me, despite how charismatic or not I seem like

I just have indeed had instances where another person got really overinvested in “Dahni Witch of Light”  and wanted to be in my inner circle of socialness and friends and might have been hurt when I declined that, but at the same time, I can’t do anything about that  (thankfully I’m not any sort of real popular LOL and it’s only really happened like once or twice, that I know of, since they made their feelings clear to me in private, but that’s still one or two people that might have gotten hurt)

So what does this all have to do with stuff?

I’ve read all the anecdotes about both Dan Avidan and Vinny Vinesauce, read all the docs, see all these people’s point of view, and yeah it sucks that they got hurt by the circumstances, but all that stuff meant to paint these people in a bad light? did more to me to paint them in a really good light

I saw nothing but people making sure they had the comfort and consent of everything they were involved in, doing best practices when it comes to relationships, talking about their feelings, about their expectations and also doing what they can to protect themselves and their privacy

again the worst things I saw about either of them, is danny building up the fantasy of being with a rockstar a bit too much, egging on any potential parasocial relationship issues that might have already existed, and vinny giving someone HPV (which, is debunked in of itself because that’s not how HPV works in men, even outside of vinny that’s just not how it works.)

the rest of all the stuff I saw esp in the vinny doc, was people not even accusing vinny of saying or doing anything wrong either, but miles and miles of “I assumed he was thinking x” or ”I assumed he was feeling y” and no attempts to communicate with him about any issues they had with him, because they felt awkward doing so, and instead let it fester inside them until they got hurt by it

this is not sexual assault, their mild discomfort about stuff never even happened over sexual topics, just bland things like him over-venting to them sometimes or having lowkey mental issues like being paranoid a little, this is not even being intentionally hurt by someone,  this is being bad at communicating with your partner and letting yourself endure a relationship you weren’t actually happy with, because you didn’t want to get dumped by the person you were invested in

and if you feel like you can’t honestly communicate with your partner, not because of anything they did to you, but because of your own internal conflict over how famous he is, and feeling like you’re forced to endure things you aren’t vibing with in a personal relationship

(mind you, I mean the things they said they endured in the doc which was, they didn’t like when vinny would get ranty about his friends or previous sexual encounters he had that went bad or they got weirded out because they thought he was too paranoid about stuff when they were together....which... okay so like tell him you don’t want to hear about that stuff? communicate your problems to your partner? end of story? you never even attempted that, you never even gave examples of things you thought he would do to you other than dump you if you spoke up...... which, I’m sorry, but that’s not some sort of consequence a victim faces from their abuser.... so you can’t even say he would have had a bad reaction, especially when you give examples of him doing exactly the opposite, apologizing for things that made other people uncomfortable WHEN theyve actually communicated to him that they were uncomfortable with it)

 -Those are signs that you are too overinvested and too parasocially invested with a person to have an honest relationship with them

like, heck these things aren’t even unique to partnerships, you should be able to communicate when anyone around you is making you uncomfortable, even friends, but if you can’t and the only reason you can’t is because of a parasocial investment in that person, that’s not healthy on your end

Danny sure seems to have been a little bit at fault for building up the fantasy of catching feelings for a famous dude when he intended one night stands, is that the best way to have navigated the situation? No probably not, but to a person who doesn’t have a parasocial relationship with him, this behavior would just be disappointing when the fantasy fizzled out, it’s not inherently harmful

after that point, if after the fact a person who had any sort of interaction with them felt hurt by the experience, there honestly is not much more a content creator could have done to mitigate that, in fact Vinesauce I think seems at least more aware of the parasocial thing and tried more strongly to vet the people he was with to not be those kind of people, but again people aren’t mind readers and nothing will ever be foolproof like that, and I guess some people even took him trying to vet that kind of behavior as hurtful in and of itself, (they took him venting about previous parasocial relationships he had and how paranoid and upsetting they were to him, and took it as some sort of threat against them personally, like they were trying to mindgame what exactly he was telling them, assuming he was saying something else that he wasn’t, which, is assumptions that live entirely in their own minds) but I’m just sitting here like, what else could they have done?

I get that people who had sexual relationships with these people could come away feeling really awful about it, feeling manipulated or duped in some way, but what else could have been done to prevent that from happening other than the people in question just, never interacting with anyone? Which is not a realistic solution, and doesn’t fix the problem of the victim in question moving on and getting starstruck by someone else and having it happen it all over again

If these people want to make friends, want to make relationships with anyone, want to have casual sex, want to have any sort of human connection, there unfortunately gonna have to sort the people they encounter into two different groups, people who have parasocial relationships with them and people who don’t, (and this is NOT people are fans of them and people who are not, you can be a fan and not get caught into the parasocial thing) and it is impossible to get this correct in every single individual social experience that theyre gonna have with every single individual human being, regardless if it’s a sexual relationship or not

in conclusion, I really do hope the people who were hurt by all this can truly heal and move on eventually from this, in no way am I trying to lessen their experiences, but I really don’t think other people deserved to be hung from the gallows over this, it’s no one person’s fault, neither the fan’s or the content creator’s, it’s just a messy interpersonal situation

I believe the correct thing to do is spread awareness about the warnings signs that you might be falling into a parasocial relationship, more effort needs to be put into what this looks like, what it feels like, how to avoid it, how to mitigate it, and how to regulate the very real feelings of love and affection someone might have for a person they see all the time in media but don’t have a real connection with, with the understanding of yeah, if you really can’t enter a casino without losing your life savings, a very real conversation needs to be had if you should even be entering these casino’s/watching their content at all

#my main conflict over this post is is this actually helpful at all or is this just hurting stirring things up more #I don't believe my position is an unreasonable one to have #and i do believe there is something to be gained from reading it #but i don't want to hurt anyone either

[warmau]

{Special} College!AU Hendery

major: general biology 

minor: infectious diseases

clubs: part of chinese culture club with sicheng + tutors sometimes but he gets off-track easily, wont admit it out loud but attends the magic the gathering gettogethers often as well, extraterrestrial enthusiasts club

sports: he originally joined xiaojun for one of his ballet classes as a joke, but ended up really liking it and now he shows up regularly and the professor thinks hendery’s upbeat, chattery attitude is so “charming” and xiaojun just,,,,,,rolls his eyes like ma’am you don’t even know,,,,,,,,

hendery is a force to be reckoned with - not necessarily in a bad way, but if you aren't a high-strung energetic type then 

it can be hard to keep up

but the truth is, hendery is just like that because he’s a natural born people-pleaser 

making others happy by making himself the goofiest he can be actually brings him a lot of joy

and he finds no shame in carrying the ‘class clown’ title from high school into his college years

he takes everything with ease, kun and xiaojun frequently ask if he’s being an idiot on purpose, and hendery just thinks its hilarious 

yangyang and yukhei usually just egg on his jokes and stunts 

yukhei likes to partake in them too 

but yangyang is a little too smart 

and wont take on any bet thrown at him the way these two will

and believe me, hendery’s got a record for it 

in his freshman year, he applied to a bunch of frats - only to see if he could past initiations 

getting pied in the face, lugging mattresses across the quad, standing up in the middle of class to profess his love to the professor 

all of those tests were easy-peasy ,,,,,, and even though he’d passed them all ,,,,,,, in the end he didn't even join any of the frats

just thanked them for the “fun times” while the other recruits eyed him like he was insane

basically, he will do anything asked of him - especially if itll make for what he refers to as “good comedy”

if it really is “good comedy” you have to ask the spectators - and the people who end up being pulled into it - which more than often are either his friends or his classmates

so why general bio? and even weirder - why infectious diseases?

well as silly as hendery is, the silliness doesn't translate well into art or literature 

like he tried his hand at poetry and pottery and other humanities 

and lets just say ,,,,,,,,,,, it didn't work out

(he’s banned from the literature department)

science on the other hand,,,,,,,,

leaves much more space for silliness than hendery could have ever imagined

although its a lot of math and rigorous testing - hendery enjoys the adventurous part of science

he likes opening textbooks with colorful, kind of icky, diagrams

have you ever seen the inside of a cell? hendery thinks it looks like a clown maze at the amusement park - he loves it!!!

biology is one of the most hands-on sciences 

and when people in his intro course were gagging at the idea of disecting a frog

hendery was just like “leave it to me - even though i was only half listening to the professors instructions!”

and diseases are even more interesting to him

because their genetic makeup is so funny, and their scientific names are even funnier!!!!!!!

“hey xiaojun, you know what i learned about today? leptospirosis. LEPTOSPIROSIS - doesn't it sound kinda like leprechaun!?!?!? i almost died laughing in lab!!!!!” 

xiaojun: how is that even funny

kun: just let the child amuse himself

sometimes people mistake his enthusiasm about his major as meaning he isn't actually interested in it as a career

just taking part in it like some inside joke

but that's far from the truth

hendery is actually a pretty proficient scientist when the topic intrigues him

and although hes loud and a little disruptive in actual lab

there are rare occurrences when you can find him quietly working on his results and papers

there’s nothing funny about making a mistake in science, hendery knows and understands that 

and even though he doesn't tell many people it - he does have some interest in taking steps toward entering the medical field

but hes kept it a secret - because no one would take him seriously anyway so there isn't any point in talking about it

when hes not in class, making the professor groan and the students snicker behind their laptops

he’s usually at someone elses dorm rather than his own

he’s almost always given an invite to a party, people are always calling him over to join them for late night drinking or karaoke 

because if hendery is there - it is guaranteed to be a good time

on multiple occasions, ten and kun have had to come to his aid

there was one time where hendery kind of totally overdid it and ten even had to facetime hendery’s mom 

she had given him an earful over the phone, thanking ten when she was finally done

and just as hendery thought he could scurry off, ten had told him he had his own lecture in store

hendery’s busy social life isnt a problem for xiaojun though, who he shares his dorm with

hendery’s gone most of the time so xiaojun dumps all his stuff in the closet and is happy to use the extra space for ballet practice

,,,,,,,,,,until hendery stumbles in at 4pm on a sunday and is like “hey!” before passing out directly on the floor

look me in the eyes and try and tell me hendery doesn't have corny meme stickers on his laptop. you cant. 

although hes wild, and a hand full, his friends do really care about him

and when they’re all together 

kun and ten admit that hendery is extremely good at cheering them up

xiaojun and yangyang do have to agree that life would be boring without him

and sicheng and yukhei, who never interfere with his lifestyle choices, reveal that hendery is a good friend

when anyone needs something

hendery will jump through hoops to get it

and he’s usually up for taking the blame if something goes wrong

that’s exactly how you end up meeting hendery

back in highschool you two hadn’t ever interacted, mostly due to the fact that you had transferred in during senior year

and you were a bit on the reserved side

with an interest in quiet library's and flying under the radar till graduation

while hendery was much more of a social butterfly 

with people begging for him to follow back on instagram or make it to their weekend parties

you had both existed in virtually different worlds - until you found yourself in a really, really, really bad situation

it had been the literal last day of highschool 

you were one hundred and one percent sure you had absolutely everything out of your locker, most importantly - your college acceptance letter

which was one of your proudest achievements, but also the only document with your student id notification which you’d need for registrations and the acceptance orientation

giddy as you walked out toward the bus, you rummaged around in your bag one last time

just so you could pull it out and read it all over again when -

you must have looked absolutely insane on the curbside, dumping everything out of your bag and digging around like a rabid animal

but it was gone - your folder with your letter, and not to mention your graduation certificate, GONE

you scoop everything back up and run back toward the school - you’re happy that you see a figure coming out of the front door

because that means you can still get inside

the boy brushes past you and the door shuts behind him - you pull at the bar and then he turns around, taking his headphones off

“oh, the schools closed. the janitor let me out but-”

your eyes are so wide and full of terror when you turn that hendery can’t even finish his sentence

you look like you’ve seen a ghost and he asks you whats wrong

“m-m-my- a-a-accept-acc- my-m-”

hendery doesn’t understand any of your muttering - so he does what he always does when his friends go into a stupor

he grabs you by the shoulders and gives you a good shake

you’re about to yell at him, but it actually lets you collect yourself for a moment

you turn and start feverishly banging on the door 

“what are you doing?!”

“you said something about a janitor - if he hears us he’ll let me back inside and i can get my letter!”

hendery sort of stares at you, for the first time he’s in the position where he looks at someone and thinks - seriously? are you insane, all this over some letter?

when usually he’s on the receiving end of such judgement

but either way, he tells you to stop - the janitor isn’t going to hear some loud bangs and come running

you guys are going to have to do something bigger to his attention

before you know it, hendery’s dropped his bag and circles around the school

you follow him, not sure of what else to do - but when he’d said you had to do something bigger, it sounded like he had a plan

and hendery does have a plan - he stops outside the large glass window right under the gym

“ok, you - go back to the front entrance. when the janitor steps out, run in through the door and get your letter.”

“how are you going to get him to step out?!”

hendery looks around, pushing aside some of the shrubs and picking up a rock

you look at it, then him, and then the window

“you're not going to-”

he feigns offense, “destroy school property? of course not! now go - run to the front.”

you only half believe him, but you need that letter more than anything, so you circle back to where you started

it all happens in a blurry flash - you hear something shatter, you hear the door push open a minute or two later, you dash passed and down the empty halls

you’re so focused on getting your letter and getting the hell out of there that you don’t notice the voices outside or the big crack in the window as you’re running back 

with your letter in hand, you sort of disappear before you can get caught up in whatever hendery’s plan was

and hope that he at least got away too

the next time you see him is at freshman orientation

you’re surprised that this school was his choice and under any other circumstance you’d brush it away

but you’re itching to know

so when you approach him and ask, how did he help you out on that faithful day (does he even remember it?)

hendery grins, wide and bright

“of course ii remember it! the janitor caught me and ii had to do community service or pay a fine. spent half my time cleaning up garbage in a park because of you!”

the words aren't malicious - actually he doesnt even look mad when you apologize for such a big inconvenience

instead he just tells you it was worth it - it took him sometime, but he figured that the letter you’d been going on about like crazy had to be something ultra important

you hadn’t even known this dude - and yet, he was talking to you like he had just done a favor for an old friend

since then, you’d grown closer to him 

and now you both where in your junior years - you’d become a part of his friend group and he had become someone so much more than just a stranger 

looking back at it - you’d never thought you and him would get along on such a deep level

but you did, and you suspected it had most to do with the fact that no matter how goofy or dumb his antics were

hendery had never and would never intend to hurt anyone 

in fact, he’d put himself in harms way first

and his loyalty was something lost on most people your age - you admired it 

sometimes, you were even jealous of the pure-natured almost naïve way he went about life

so now you’re sitting in his dorm, xiaojun is at his desk watching ballet recitles and you’re shifting through hendery’s messy pile of books and papers

“isn’t your lab due tomorrow - how did you manage to lose it?”

he rummages through his backpack and whines

“i didn't loooose it- i bet kun stole it!”

“kun isn’t taking a bio class, you just probably tossed it out like always.”

“hey!”

you turn to see hendery’s signature pout, deep dark eyes big and hurt

“you’re making me sound so dumb!”

“hendery,,,,,,,sometimes - you are.”

he sticks his tongue out and you continue to look through the pile, your hands stop when they reach the thin, silver book that is your highschool yearbook

your copy is at home, you wonder for a second why hendery’s is here

“did you find it?!”

hendery bounds over and you cover it up quickly - giving him a playful shove away

“no, now keep looking - or else you’re going to have to re-do all fifteen pages tonight!”

he whines, but returns to his corner of the room. your fingers tap the stack of paper and you feel a weird wave of nostalgia hit you

it’s broken up as the door swings open to the dorm and sicheng walks calmly through it

he passes you a handful of crumpled papers

“found hendery’s lab report in our trashcan.”

you turn to glare at hendery who puts his hands up and grins

“oops?”

after you leave hendery to retype his lab, you find yourself thinking about that yearbook again

you’ve been hendery’s friend for almost three years now - but in highschool you guys hadn’t even spoken

you’ve never thought about it before, but it’s almost shameful that you lost all those years 

because hendery is a good friend, a lifelong friend

you and him could have had so many more memories together if instead of meeting on the last day in an almost comical twist of events

he could have been in your literature class, or you could have been his tutor and then you two could have just bonded like you did in college and become friends, even maybe-

lovers

you stop walking as the word flashes through your mind

“no, that’s just,,,,,,,silly.”

you toss the momentary curiosity to the side - if anything, ever since you started college you’d only had one crush on somebody

a crush so secret, you hadn’t even dared to write it down in your journal - let alone tell anyone

and you planned on keeping it that way

afterall, you had a degree to get and you were so - so close.

a couple of weeks later you find yourself handing in the last paper before a small spring break, you plan on going home when you get a call

hendery’s voice full of excitement

“whens your train home?” 

he asks, not bothering with a greeting - he���s probably the only person you know who likes to jump right into any conversation

“tomorrow, around three.”

“cool - so that means you can party tonight!”

you roll your eyes - that's another thing you’ve gotten into since being hendery’s friends, parties

although they still aren’t your favorite pastime - you have to admit, they can be entertaining

and you and ten have sort of agreed that as the responsible ones, being at the party would at least mean hendery (and on most occasions yukhei) would have a safe way to get home

“maybe, depends on the party.”

hendery’s laugh is a sound so familiar - and so nice you sometimes think you can hear it forever and not grow sick and tired of it at all

“actually this time it’s at johnny’s place in the city! he finally got out of the dorms since he’s in graduate school now - but ten convinced him somehow.”

you know johnny suh, who doesn’t, a graduate student in film studies and super close friend of ten’s 

back when you and hendery were still freshmen, johnny was the one known on campus for being a little too wild

but now, hendery seems to have stolen the title

“well if it’s at his place I guess it’ll be pretty small, im just happy we aren’t going back to that frat.”

hendery makes a disgusted sound

“nah! that place was boring and remember how i almost punched that guy out for-”

“yes, i remember. what time should i be heading over?”

“ill pick you up at ten!”

you hang up and smile, something in your chest warms a little - a feeling you haven’t felt before 

sometimes he can be so crazy, and then sometimes he really is a gentleman 

the thought doesnt occur to you as being unique in anyway, and you try hard not to fester on that weird feeling in your chest

hendery is late - because of course he is - but you’re used to it and give him just a little bit of a scold as you two walk toward the metero

other than that the conversation is the same, plans, friends, potential people you’ll run into at the party, etc.

you and hendery stand close to each other on the subway, his hand comes up to hold your shoulder when the cart jerks or someone is pushing past you to get in

you poke the hole in his tshirt hem and mutter that he should at least ask xiaojun to sew it up

when you both get to the party, johnny is already half a wine bottle in by the flush on his face and the way ten is chasing after him 

sicheng and kun are there, mingling among themselves and waving you guys over

hendery says he’s going to join them and you’re about to step toward them to

when you feel someone tap your shoulder

you turn, and something in your body feels like it snaps

yukhei smiles at you and starts asking where hendery is - but you are looking over his shoulder at the person behind him

lee taeyong

the computer science major who had also studied alongside johnny at your college when you were a freshman

you had seen him when you had just started your first couple of weeks and that entire year had been like you were enchanted

he was an otherwise reserved, soft-spoken person

but his reputation was the unattainable heartbreaker - who would turn down confessions politely but with little to no regard

he was beautiful when you last saw him, and he was beautiful now - all this time later

whats he doing here? 

you’d been to johnny’s place before and had never seen him around, other graduate students sure but not taeyong

“ah! by the way - this is taeyong. he graduated but i met him because he’s here to-”

you bow a little and rush through the crowd toward the solitary confinement of the bathroom

to your luck, two voice shout from inside that its occupied so you escape to the stairs of the building - going up a couple of floors until the sound of the party is nothing but a drawl

you don’t know why, but seeing him hurts

it’s because he was the first person you ever really loved

you don’t get it too - your communications with him had been limited to a two time greeting in the computer lab late during finals week

you had seen him around, you’d once even followed him embarrassingly through the library

you knew nothing about him but his major and his beauty

so what made your heart fall so hard never really made sense

the way you’d felt was so confusing and therefore it made you so ashamed

you had thought about telling your friends to understand - why, but never did

and so you curl up a little and think that tonight its only a good idea for you to go

“ah! there you are - hey, are you crying?”

hendery’s voice breaks you out from your thoughts and you unravel a little to huff at him

“im not crying, im just -”

he sits down and puts a hand on your knee

“did some asshole try something, if you need me to get them let me know - you know how good ii am at rock throwing!”

the little inside joke makes you crack a smile and you shake your head

“its not that, i was just feeling a little cramped in there.”

he pulls to cans of beer from his jean pockets and sets them down

“that’s fine, we can party up here! just the two of us!”

you’d resist - but something about his cheer wins you over

you spend what feels like hours up there, hendery running back and forth between the flights to bring back more beer and snacks

you dont know how many cans are littered around you until your head falls against his shoulder

and if you were sober, you’d feel him tense up

“hey hendery - wanna hear a secret?”

you giggle and hendery turns a little, your eyes are glittering and your speech is just a little bit crocked

“sure, but ii think this should be your last can!”

he slips the beer from your hand - and you make a badly attempted reach for it that just lands your palm against his thigh

again, his body goes into alert, but you just keep going

“i have a crush on someone.”

you hiccup and hendery swallows - his heartbeat is a loud thudding in his ears

“o-oh yeah? on who?”

“wwwwwwwellllllll,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

you sit up and hendery looks at you again - you brace his shoulders

“taeyong.”

you hiccup and grin

“lee taeyong.”

with that you let go of hendery’s shoulders which have dropped anyway

you tilt your head back and hendery lurches forward to grab you when you start tipping over

your eyes close and you feel your head hit something soft - probably the front of hendery’s shirt

you whisper the next sentence, but hendery never hears it

“used to - i used to have a crush on him but now i think i,,,,,”

the words don't come out but it doesnt matter, hendery touches your cheek with his palm and sighs

you’re out cold for now

and he says something you never hear too

“damn, and here i was. stupid enough to think you were going to say my name instead.”

 the incident doesnt come back to you - not even when you’ve had an advil and are drinking coffee in the morning as you pack for home

your group chat is talking about yukhei doing something weird and your other texts are normal

so you just assume ,,,,,,,, nothing happened

and that's what it feels like 

until you’re back to classes after spring break and 

“soooooooooooo, a little birdie told me a secret over the break!”

you turn your head and look up to see yukhei

he plops himself down in the chair across from you and nearly sends the whole table shaking

you grab your laptop and coffee before it knocks over

“you and your giant knees need to be more careful.”

he waves it off and leans forward

“so, lee taeyong.”

your fingers, which had been diligently typing up your homework stop short

yukhei claps his hands and points a finger gun at you

“so you do like him! well, good news for you i got his number at the party and you guys are both all about work and school and-”

you shut your laptop and the noise makes yukhei’s voice shake for a second

“who told you about taeyong.”

yukhei scratches his head and leans back

“well i probably shouldn’t tell you but hendery. he heard taeyong and i got introduced by johnny so he thought i could help you-”

hendery?

something twists

hendery, did i tell hendery? when?

you stare into your lap and gasp

the party, i got drunk and i told him at the party and he -

“w-who else knows?”

yukhei waves his hand, trying to calm you down

“just the usual, but we all support it - im pretty sure taeyong is single and -”

he told, everyone?

a multitude of thoughts runs through your mind, but the biggest question is why

even if you were a little out of it, you know you wouldn't have just told hendery to go about spreading your secret

you’re sure, even if its fuzzy, that if you confided in him - you would have made it somehow clear that no one else should know

and hendery was close enough to you, that if there was a chance you hadnt done that, he’d instinctively know

which only leaves one real explanation - hendery isnt your friend, he spilled your secret to humiliate you

all these years - all this time - was he just waiting for it? for the right moment to make you some kind of laughingstock?

you stand up and gather your things, you ignore yukhei’s confusion and when he tries to stop you - you just push past him

it must be for payback, he must have been actually so pissed about that stupid stunt he pulled for me in highschool. after all, he probably got a stain on his record because of it and so he plotted to make me look like a fool one day right - right!

your logical brain starts moving, making up more and more scenarios

he probably thought - oh why do I have to take the blame for some stupid stranger! but didn't know what else to do so he befriended me and made him trust me

your brain runs like a crazed engine, but something in your chest fights against it

suddenly you think about it again

trust, hendery is the one person i fully trust. there isn't any reason for him to hurt me

a glimmer of that hopefulness washes right away when you get a text from an unknown number

you stare at it and re-read it

the anger that had powered you before surges up through you again

‘hi, this is lee taeyong. your friend told me how you feel and while im grateful for the compliment - ii don't want to let you pine for no reason. im currently not looking for a relationship, but lets be friends if the chance arises.’

what kind of stupid text is that - i don't want to date you! im not some lovestruck idiot! why are you treating me like one? why did hendery make me out to be one? hendery - hendery - im never going to fucking forgive you

and you don't - you block the number, you delete the contact, you know his schedule and you make it a point to avoid him at all costs

even his friends, who you thought were your friends once, aren't immune from the cold shoulder

and so when kun ends up sitting beside you on the bus - you’re so damn headstrong about it all that you get off at the next stop

part of you knows this is childish, and you’re supposed to be the big adult - the responsible one

like you’ve always been

but 

but hendery isn't even making an effort to reach out

actually, you think you’d probably haven given in by know if he’d called you or tried to reach you

he knows your schedule too so you thought hed track you down and at least ask whats going on

but he hasnt

which all you take is the fact that your point has been proven

this insane theory about how he’d befriended you for almost three years was just to find someway to get back at you in the end

and he’d done it! and he was satisfied! 

and it hurt

that's what it was 

painful

after a while it was less and less about your stupid little crush on a senior, and more and more about the fact that you had lost you friend

a person who you thought would have your back forever

a person who the universe didn't intend for you to even be near, to ever be close to

the opposite end of the spectrum and yet he had defied that all

and had left an impact on you that you thought would be with you forever

the blind kindness, the forgiving heart, the prone to accidents and silliness and just horrible decision making in general all for the sake of someone elses happiness

all of that had made you cherish him

at this point - you found yourself sitting up in bed - staring at the screen of your phone that used to ping nonstop with his texts

and realize you missed your friend

and worse of all

you missed your friend who you were starting to fall in love with

lee taeyong had been this ideal for you, beautiful and studios, the perfect match

you had daydreamed about bringing him home to your family, how he’d probably be so sweet and gentle 

but he was this stand-in, he was a dream that you thought you had

when in reality

your dream didn't consist of the graceful, hardworking, flawless man

it was

as you closed your eyes and really thought about it

it was always hendery

clumsy, laidback, overflowing with flaws man that at the center of it all was crafted with a heart of gold

but was he? would someone like that really sell you out?

your answer comes just as the end of your junior is approaching, you’re so mentally exhausted from school and your own feelings

that you don't have the time to focus on anything anymore but getting to your dorm and getting to bed

you accidentally drop one of the textbooks in your hand and when you reach down to get it - another hand extends for it too

you look up and 

oh god no, not right now!

“ah -- hello.”

taeyong gives you polite smile and you barely have enough energy to reply with your own small nod

“how are you?”

please don't do this to me, i don't want to make conversation with you

“fine, and you?”

“good, work hard on your finals!”

you say you will and are happy that he ended it so quickly when,

“also, i am still sorry i couldn't accept your feelings.”

the heavy blanket of tiredness suddenly feels like its aflame on your back

really, did you really have to say that?

some kind of newfound energy spikes up in you and you turn to him

“I know you're my senior, but ii need to say something to you.”

he titls his head

“i don't like you, i had a brief crush on you in freshman year but ii got over it. and no im not saying that to save face, ive already felt enough embarrassment about all this. ontop of that I don't have time to crush on you - im in love with hendery and yeah, i can say that now because it doesnt even matter.”

“YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HENDERY?!?!?!?”

“YUKHEI?”

you pivot around so fast, this time all your books go flying

you hadn’t even noticed him in the haze of weakness and yet - there he is, right behind taeyong

like an unbound puppy he rushes up to you and grabs your hands

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE INTO TAEYONG!”

your instinct is first to tell him to not be so damn loud

but you’ve lost what pride you thought you had and yell right back at him

“NO IM NOT AND YES - I LOVE HENDERY - BUT HIS STUPID ASS HASNT EVEN TRIED TO TALK TO ME AND I HATE HIM, I LOVE HIM BUT I REALLY HATE HIM RIGHT NOW TOO!”

yukhei jumps up and down

you’re not sure he registered the last part of your sentence because something gleams in his eyes that you aren't sure you like

taeyong shakes his head, quietly picking your things up 

“ah, these kids really,,,,,,,,”

you pace up and down your dorm room like mad scientist

why did I do that? why did ii yell that out to the whole campus to hear - what is wrong with me?!?

you check your phone, but there isn’t a call or a text

yukhei has probably blabbed about it to hendery right now - what is going on why is no one telling me what is going on

you pick your phone up and scroll through the blocked contacts, you unblock everyone 

and you do get a flurry of text - but none of them are from hendery

ugh, im so stupid - not only did he trick me into being his friend but now he knows how ii feel about him and is probably laughing about it

you stop and put your hands on your face and groan

fuck you hendery, no one in the world could make me feel this crazy but you

some more time passes and you’re now sure that you’ve just embarrassed yourself further

you spotted kun on the way to your last final yesterday and had almost waved at him like everything was all peachy

when it wasnt

and now as you were packing your things up to leave the lecture hall you almost jump from your skin when someone shouts your name

you look down and beside a shocked professor is 

hendery?!?!?

“DID YOU THINK YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO WOULD GET TO SCREAM ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS?”

oh my god - what is this kid about to do

you watch in shock as the professor taps hendery’s shoulder, but is ultimately ignored

“YOU MADE ME GET ALL DEPRESSED FOR NO REASON - I REALLY THOUGHT YOU WERENT EVER GOING TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN AND THEN YOU JUST GO ABOUT YELLING THAT YOU LOVE ME? THATS NOT FAIR!”

you panic a little because the professor brings out his cellphone and hendery’s gotten in trouble for you before

you kinda think that's going to happen now too

but,,,,,,but you want to hear what he has to say too

“ITS NOT FAIR SO IM GONNA DO THE SAME THING - GET READY BECAUSE IM GONNA LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT I - WON KUNHANG - AM IN LOVE WITH YOU TOO!”

just as he finishes, you see the professor put down his phone

your head spins, but you let your feelings be pushed to the side as you maddash toward hendery

the professor probably dialed for on-campus security, and whats worse is this idiot just said his full name! well - let me at least help him out like he helped me!

you grab hendery as soon as you get near him

looking him in the eyes and every part of you is screaming a million and one things

to yell back at him, to get angry, to tell him to fuck off, to tell him you love him to his face, to ask if hes insane for real

but you just

kiss him

the professor jerks back and you can feel hendery’s knees almost give out 

when you pull back you turn to the provfessor and smile

“we’re doing impromptu theater, was it any good?”

your bluff actually manages to work - the security gives you two a stern talking to and tells you to tell the theater club to knock it off with these “public disturbances”

you squeeze henderys hand behind your back when he tries to insist it wasn't a performance, it was his true confession

until you’re finally free of the guard and you let him go

“you could say that kiss was fake all you want, but i know it was real.”

is the first thing he has the AUDACITY to say to you

and although you want to blow up

you want to ask him about how this all happened in the first place

you cant bring yourself to be mad

you just look at him and then sigh

“how’d it end up being you,,,,,,”

he shrugs his shoulders and suddenly his voice gets a little quieter

“i ask myself the same thing,,,,,,”

you furrow your eyebrows and huff

“excuse me? are you saying im not likable-”

he puts his hands up and shakes his head

“no, im just saying you’re right - we definitely aren’t the people we thought we’d fall for. ii mean c’mon, when you said taeyong that night - i just knew you know.”

“knew what?”

“that he was the right choice for you. im just a stupid kid compared to him, there’s nothing about me for you to fall in love with.”

he’s not lying, you can tell by the way his tone is soft and there's a real self-hatered woven into it

your anger about whatever slips away because this is a side of hendery you knew existed but that you also knew he fought hard to not show

“hendery, you are stupid. you’re stupid because you legitimately think you’re inadequate of attention and love. do you know why you’re popular - its not because you’re so funny.”

he stands up straight and the serious look on his face is handsome, but it makes something sharp wedge in your heart

“its because you are one hundred percent selfless. and not for some kind of advantage, but because you really want to help.”

your shoulders drop a little

“i envy you, your hearts pure and your intentions are always good. living life that way is so beautiful, that's the first thing about you that i feel in love with.”

a silent pause follows after

the rawness of the situation dawns on the two of you in a way you didn't think would ever be possible

you've told a lot of things to hendery, you subconsciously spilled one of your biggest secrets to him

so it only makes sense that when it came down to this moment you’d really, honestly tell him everything

you feel as maybe you've made it a little awkward, lecturing him in a moment where you both have confessed when suddenly

you feel his hand take yours

that signature smile back on his face

“oh yeah? what else did you fall in love with?”

half of you wants to snap, the other half - the one that wins bursts out into laughter

the list is long, but in the moment you just answer

“the fact that you’re soooo good at throwing rocks!”

“hey, it is a charm!”

he leans in and his lips settle on yours, they’re warm and soft and you circle your hands around his neck

you had thought about what kissing him would feel like before - once just for fun, but recently for other reasons

you didn't expect him to be so reserved, letting his lips sort of softly part only when you push a little closer to him

its a good second kiss, though you don't think anything will ever beat your first lol

and nothing beats the story too - which makes it to the front of the student journal

(both you and hendery get a talking to from theater club who was NOT happy about you lying - but ultimately did like that you ended up together)

you are in perpetual embarrassment shock for a while

but hendery eats it up! - if anyone as much as mentions it he’‘s like 

“let me tell you the beautiful tale of our lov-”

and you have to clamp your hand over his mouth like lol sorry don't mind him

even in the early stages of dating, you can tell that hendery is that kind of significant other

just like he is with friendships, he gives himself wholeheartedly to the other person

like yes, you just started dating and you know most people don't start off shouting that they love each other 

but you guys are different and although you've somehow become a little shy of using the word

hendery is in it - you are his love, his lovely, his lovable, his capital L love of his goddamn life and if he doesnt get to say it a million times well then

he just isn't trying hard enough

and although his affection is overflowing, and his love language is obviously expression

it is not smothering at all because in reality, you feel exactly as much as he does

its just that you show it off differently, but those who are your friends know

because hendery used to be able to do anything and everything

hence his notoriousness for being down for any dare

but your love language? protection

“no hendery, you are not going to drink hot sauce out of the bottle because yukhei said you couldn't do it.”

“no hendery, you are not going to dress up like the shrek just because ten bought the costume on amazon”

“no hendery, you are not going to climb that fence - hendery get down!”

you aren't trying to limit his free spirit - youre just worried

when you were just friends he was always in some kind of trouble, either with people in authority or covered in bruises and scraps from the aftermath of his silliness

you explained it once to him in the simpliest terms you could think up

squishing his cheeks between your palms youd looked him in the eye and said

“you are my boyfriend, and if you break your arm doing something dumb - what does that mean 1) your arm is broken and 2) you cant hold my hand with that arm so that sucks for me and you - right?”

to be honest you could dangle holding hands or kisses as leverage and hendery will give up on the spot

because lets be honest, he cannot live a day without at least giving you some kind of physical affection

the boy is a bursting pile of cheesy love - and you really try not to use that against him 

because it really is so wonderful and pure

but if he wants to do something dumb you will put your palm out when he leans in to kiss you and he will get all fretty like a big baby

kun at some point: don't you feel like youre a dog owner with a big, misbehaving puppy

you: no, not at all.

kun: really?

you: at least a misbehaving puppy listens sometimes

kun: ah, i see

hendery’s kind of dates include a lot of latenight fast food runs and showing up to your dorm with the excited news that he got a hold of someones netflix password so you guys can binge corny tv shows

you thought he’d be the type to want a new adventure everyday, but surprisingly enough, hes very VERY content with staying in and just snuggling

not to say you two don't have some very memorable and slightly embarrassing date stories 

ahem, that one time hendery got you bubble tea and you were waiting outside and he said “look I can balance both our drinks on my head!”

of course he spilled them all over himself

and you two used up all the napkins in the store before escaping the cashiers glare into a nearby store to get hendery a new tshirt

hendery isn't super flashy by the way, his clothes are mostly comfortable basics, and he likes a bit of an oversized fit

so when you wear them they’re extra loved and cozy

hendery gets a bit fidgety the first time you do it - and you really cannot tell why

you wonder if he doesnt like you borrowing his clothes, but then you roll over a little to cuddle against him and he freezes

and you’re like 

oh, that’s why

hendery - although loud and energetic in all other aspects of life - is a pretty bashful lover

his hands are always a little shaky and he waits for you to lead in with anything more than kisses

and you actually think its very, very adorable 

because he gets this kinda dreamy look in his eyes and his voice gets softer

and when your lips are on his collarbones its like the only thing he can even do is whisper your name against your hair

its a side you enjoy keeping all to yourself, and hendery is so thankful because oh my god no one would let him live it down

xiaojun gets a little grumpy that you and hendery are always around more - but he likes you as a person

(to him, youre the only person who can really keep hendery’s ambitiousness incheck)

so he lets it slide

plus you finally got hendery to stop coming around to his ballet practice, because you refuse to let hendery do so until he finishes his labs

and you know hendery is smart, you tell from the way he can offhandedly answer questions about his major 

and even though he has this idiotic habit of dumbing himself down for comedy

seeing him run up to you and show you the first perfect score on his lab, it really makes you swell with pride

and his interest in infectious diseases and all the weird diagrams of micro-organisms and whatnot doesnt phase you

actually his passion for it makes you excited to listen to him talk

and ten is like ew that thing looks like a bug

and youre like “listen to me, if hendery thinks the cell membrane is cute then you say its cute. ok. or. else.”

gosh when you guys get together - theres this energy that is so ,,,,, sweet - its almost a little dizzying

because its obvious that these feelings you two can so freely show to each other now have been piling up for a while

and now its free reign

sometimes hendery’s bangs get long and hell lean in to kiss you but his hair will tickle you first 

and you always do this like giggle and hiccup when you get tickled

and hendery once blinks and goes

“you know your hiccups are number 105 on the list of things I love about you”

and you laugh because lol wow do you really have a list

and hes like pffft no

(he has a list, it is in his iphone notes)

hendery the type of boyfriend who spends like five weeks planning a celebration for your anniversery

but on the day off hes like F I cant do this and abandones all his plans

and just shows up in front of you with twelve different bundles of flowers and ten different stuffed animals

and is like

“I know you really like roses, but also you said you liked sunflowers when we went to that farm and i know your a cat person, but you also like wolves so I got you-”

he just really really really wants to make you happy

and sometimes you can tell that he thinks he doesnt

that he compares himself to people he thinks are better for you

and that's when you’re just like hendery, look at me - its you. its only going to be you.

because the universe might have felt like you two didn't fit, but its so obvious you do

you made up a rule that if hendery tries to talk down about himself he has to do ten pushups with you on his back

but you never actually make him do it ,,,,, you just spend like an hour telling him he’s so dumb - because you are so in love with him

as you guys go into senior year together, hendery becomes your biggest cheerleader and you become his

and seriously you two could get through anything togther

one afternoon, as you’re walking back from class and hendery slides his palm into yours

you see johnny and taeyong across the ways - they’re picking some people up or something and taeyong notices you two

he waves

and you both wave back

when you get to your dorm and you curl up in hendery’s arms, you feel him play with the ends of your hair

“I never asked you, why did you tell everyone about my crush on taeyong?”

“when you said you liked him, I thought you meant like in the moment - and so I thought I could get yukhei to set you two up.”

“but didn't you already have feelings for me?”

hendery smiles a little against your hair

“yeah, but nothing mattered more to me than making you happy.”

you clutch the front of his shirt a little - the sentence makes you want to cry

from happiness, but also because of course - you had jumped to conclusions thinking he’d done it to hurt you 

but its hendery, of course he only did it to help

“wanna know something dumb?”

hendery moves back a little so he can look at you better

“hmm?”

“ive always wished we knew each other better back in highschool - maybe then we’d have more time and none of that would have happened. maybe we could have fallen in love all those years ago.”

he scrunches up his nose and you sit up

he follows suit and takes your hands in his

“yeah but - it was worth it. and hey, if we’d been buddies or whatever you might have never left your letter in that locker and ii would have never gotten to throw that rock through the window.”

you roll your eyes

“reall-”

“that was a stupid thing to do, and its the only stupid thing ive done that im so happy i did.”

you let yourself fall forward, right into his arms, they’re warm and they feel so perfect around you

“oh - and shouting out how much i love you in front of your whole class. that's another stupid thing im proud of.”

*this post was commissioned | other college!aus 

#wayv scenarios #wayv imagines #wayv au #hendery scenarios #hendery imagines #hendery au #wayv #hendery #college!au #sfw #member: hendery #the way this reads like a 12 part anime in one #wiring commission #wayv hendery #tw: drinking #/drinking

[minniewoos]

Mafia! Bang Chan➣ Headcanons

first and foremost, his word is law

and so chan is not as man to be messed with

r/stressed

got this mess of an organization handed down to him at a young age

and the first thing he did was deal with the unloyal and corrupt executives

people who thought they deserved top spot compared to a 20 some year old boy

most of them were planning to assassinate him on the dl

Chan didnt like that

so he and his buddy Minho dealt with the little traitors

they stopped bothering him, some moved to other organizations

the others were never heard from again

did chan torture them? kill them? the world may never know

and so Chan reformed the whole mafia within the span of a few years

he himself was the adopted son of the previous mafia boss

so he wanted to give opportunities to kids who didnt have anywhere else to go like him

so he did

he gave the organization an official name, stray kids

it started with him just sponsoring a boarding home

then he placed one of the retired, but one he deemed loyal, executives in charge of it

since he began needing more manpower and some of the older kids needed jobs, he slowly let them work for skz

it’s an odd dynamic, but many of the older generation members gained respect for Chan

and the younger generation are extremely loyal

it worked out quite fine for him

he even gained quite the reputation quickly, people try to avoid skz when they can

cause if you mess with skz, chan will make sure you’re dealt with

whether it means you cant say another word or disappear completely

theres rumors

chans a busy boy, and hes gained quite the reputation

a lot of mafia groups from other cities have heard a lot about him

especially after he reformed the whole organization and got rid of most of the higher ups

and began some practices over time

specifically, with minho and changbin

those are his go-to guys for questioning

nobody ever wants to get “questioned” by them

it’s basically two bad cops, no good cop there

the only good cop in skz is woojin

anyway chan wanted a group of capable people he could trust

he obviously had people like changbin and minho in his little circle

but it grew quickly

eventually he ended up with eight other guys who’ve had their own struggles

but joined stray kids for their own reasons

people like jeongin and felix had nowhere else to go

woojin and hyunjin were in need of jobs

And that’s how it’s been for a while

things run smoothly for the most part and skz has a strong reputation

chans almost always busy

whatever business he’s dealing with, he makes sure he gets a good deal

doesnt play around

you try to trick him he will make sure you regret it

theres a certain rumor floating around about chan

many, actually

lots of rumors

people say hes of royal descent

others say he murdered the old mob boss to take charge

just a wide variety of strange things are said about him

one time jisung heard that chan trained wild wolves to maul competition

jisung laughed

outside of skz, hes a complete mystery

it’s kind of like an inside joke for stray kids

occasionally members would come home and share what new rumor they heard

the craziest one came from felix (who actually believed it)

he went up to chan, slightly bewildered, and asked him

“hyung, did you really escape from russia as a kid??”

chan was very confused how that one started

especially since he has a clear Australian accent

and hes very aware of his reputation

he knows who he is

and he likes to keep it like that

so theres less chance of people messing with skz

in his eyes, the reputation was a safeguard from people seeing them as weak

plus it amuses him

while the rumors are usually baseless, he does have a fierce attitude when it comes to work

all business no play

again, r/stressed

jisungs acting up and being weird?

he has seungmin give him a good slap

then they would get into a fight

which chan would have to break up

or maybe hyunjins being overdramatic

he gets seungmin to talk to him

chan basically gets seungmin to handle the other members when they’re being difficult

well, some of them

one time chan sent seungmin to deal with a moody minho and seungmin ended up pinned to the ground with a knife to his neck

seungmin refuses to deal with moody minho nowadays

anywho, if chan tells a member to do something they do it

he just likes to bother seungmin

cause if you don’t do what chan tells you, you’re in for it

and since he basically grew up in the mafia, hes been hardened to most things

this guy wont bat an eye to shooting a gun

that’s child’s play for him

hes seen things that would leave many people traumatized

not a pushover in the slightest

however many people don’t know he has a soft side

a soft side???

chan?? what? soft???

yes

many people would scoff at the idea

this ruthless mob boss couldn’t possibly be soft

they’d be surprised

he has a very soft side

and he only shows it occasionally, since this job requires a hard heart

honestly chans always been soft

he cried a lot when he was first brought to the mafia

but years of brutality and cunning violence numbed him to it

but you

when he met you

whew

boy he was putty

yea sure he was about to kill you

but he very very quickly warmed up to you

nobody knows why

but you were certainly grateful for it

and you enjoyed the soft side of him

because you’re the one he usually showed it to

chan also spoiled you

and had no problem showing off his money

you tried to tell him you didnt need all the stuff

he didnt listen

you felt like you were in some cliche fanfic

oh shit wait

you moved in with him and the other members

mostly because the other members didnt want you yapping about skz

and the other members barely trusted you

except for felix

but eventually they all warmed up to you

it wasnt easy adjusting to the lifestyle

and it wasnt easy leaving your old life behind

but in the end you really did enjoy it

and chan was forever grateful he met you

and you know, didnt kill you

anywho chan tries to keep you as safe as possible

if anything happened to you he’d flip shit

hed be pissed

and nobody would be getting out happy

chan was careful though so you’re all good

…for now

chan made you the happiest

and you made chan happy

he liked it that way and wouldnt have it any other

cause hes a sucker for ya

A/n: this was a quick update for the mafia series! First time doing this kinda format so I hope its enjoyable. Itll be a while until the next fic is out tho. This was kinda filler until the next update. I have a fic called The Sun Will Rise Again for Chan and its mafia au too, so check it out if you want.

#stray kids #stray kids mafia au #stray kids reactions #stray kids fanfic #stray kids imagines #stray kids headcanons #bang chan #bang chan fanfic #bang chan x reader #bang chan mafia au #bang chan headcanons #bang chan imagines #kim woojin #kim woojin imagines #lee minho #lee minho imagines #seo changbin imagines #seo changbin #hwang hyunjin imagines #hwang hyunjin #han jisung imagines #han jisung #lee felix #lee felix imagines #kim seungmin #kim seungmin imagines #yang jeongin #yang jeongin imagines #my works

[luvbug724]

I kinda disagree with you on the Neil running thing, while I definitely agree that if Neil gets the urge to run he will go to Andrew first. (And hes bound to get the urge to run, I mean he was running for longer than he was stationary so itll just be a natural response and it's unlikely to go away without addressing it and Neil refuses therapy) Andrew cant always be there and I think that's when Neil might get close to running? And I rlly think Neil would struggle when he leaves palmetto

Especially becuz in the quotes u put Andrew grounds Neil by putting a hand on his neck or grabbing his collar, and Andrew wont be there to do that. I've read fics where Neil gets close to fully running... like he stops at the airport/train station/bus stop or whatever and I think that's what he'd do? He would get the urge to run, not be able to ground himself, pack a bag and then run but be able to stop himself before he rlly runs away becuz the urge has gone down now that he has ran that far

you can disagree with me, that’s absolutely fine! but i’d like to elaborate a little more on what i said because even looking from your pov i maintain my original point :)

while, yes, there’s absolutely the potential for neil to want to run while andrews not physically there to stop him, i think that the important thing in how andrew is able to do it in canon is not the fact that he came for neil but the fact that neil called him for help in the first place. he didn’t even realize he was doing it until he got pulled back to reality by andrew’s voice. even though neil wanted to run and every instinct he had was overwhelmed and telling him to go be anywhere but palmetto, he picked up his phone and made the call.

another good thing to note is how even though andrews the most important person in neils life, he isn’t the only one. neil has the foxes and, not only does he have wymack for when andrew graduates, but he has robin cross.

i know a lot of people haven’t read the ec and don’t know about robin cross so here’s a brief summary: she was created to answer the question of what happens to neil when he’s the only original fox left at palmetto state. she was andrews first and only rookie pick and eventually joined the foxes and roomed with andrew, neil, nicky, and aaron for a year (andrew gave up his bed and slept in neil’s).

the way the scene in tkm chapter nine plays out is: first, neil calls andrew. then, he is momentarily grounded by hearing andrew’s voice, and andrew drives back to palmetto to pick him up and make sure he can’t go anywhere. (this is all one quote but i can’t figure out how to work the formatting)

Andrew killed the engine and tossed his keys in the now- empty passenger seat.

"Get out or stay here," Andrew said. "Those are your only choices."

Running wasn't an option, he meant. Andrew knew why Neil had called him. "I'll stay."

now going back to my earlier point, i think that even if andrew is able to ground neil with just his voice, neil isn’t completely okay even after hearing andrew talk. but i also don’t think that andrew has to be the one to physically stop him. if we’re going to follow the idea that neil wil have strong enough urges to run four+ years after canon, there’s wymack, who andrew trusts immensely, and robin, who’s neils best friend who are going to be with neil every step of the way even when andrews not near him for his fifth year. i personally believe neil heals enough that the urge to run will never be as strong as it was pre baltimore (when i say pre baltimore i mean all of canon before baltimore, not just the locker room scene), and there will definitely never be an overlap of events again that push him to that point afterwards.

but as you brought up, neil may be alone the year after he graduates. there’s nothing noras written in her ec that describes the existence of any roommates but there’s also nothing (to my knowledge) that says he has none. however, i’d like to present to you probably one of my only aftg headcanons that go against what’s noras said: i love the idea that neil signs to matt’s team and rooms with him for the year that he and andrew are apart after he graduates. in this year andrew and neil are also professional athletes with enough disposable income to travel to see each other as much as possible. so even though andrew and neil are apart, andrew has the resources to help neil and matt can make sure he stays.

i hope that this explained my perspective a little bit better, i had a lot of fun trying to write out my thoughts and i’m super sorry if all the formatting is wonky, i did this on my phone and i’m not quite sure how to work the mobile post editor. i’m also very very sorry if anybody had to scroll through this without reading, i don’t know how to add a keep reading on my phone 😭

#tagging because i don’t know if anon follows me or not #aftg #neil josten #aftg ask #aftg meta

[lovebunnie]

fr the poem questions: all of them >: )c

jared... only for you...

the tyger – are you a taker of calculated risks or do you enjoy playing with fire? would you rather ask for permission or forgiveness?

i am a major rule follower, i am not at all adventurous and i like to stay in my comfort zone. my life is a mix of staying true to my comfort zone and doing what I feel is right, first instinct. 

i carry your heart with me – do you believe in fate? what’s your secret to living a good life?

i tend to not believe in fate, it tends to make people not take responsibility for their actions and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth; predestination takes away humility from us. and i wouldnt say that im currently living a good life, its getting there but more often then not i would not describe my days as ‘happy’, more so just another day. but to make a day not outwardly bad, i firmly believe in having a really good breakfast in the morning and taking a shower at night. both of those really make my days better.

i wandered lonely as a cloud – what does nature mean to you? where do you feel most at peace?

nature for me is what comes to us instinctively and what we turn to for comfort in trying times. i feel the most at peace either at summer camp or in my bedroom with my cat :3

blackberrying – what were your early years like? do you miss being a child?

my early years were very happy, i was a very happy and funloving child. it was a time where i wasnt told about any of my family drama so i lived in blissful ignorance. i definitely miss being a child, all the way up to about 7th grade. its just been downhill from 8th grade and on.

ode to a nightingale – how do you feel about your own mortality? do you believe in life after death?

my mortality is something of a burden i carry with me everyday, a reminder that every minute is precious and this is the only life i get, i have one shot to not fuck it up. i dont believe in the afterlife, the concept of death is something that if i think too hard about then itll fuck me up.

hope is the thing with feathers – what gives you hope? what would you tell your 10-year-old self?

hope comes from those news stories about good news, like charity donation goals being hit and remembered anniversaries and flower bouquets in public, there is good in the world and sometimes its hard to find but its always there. to my 10 year old self, i would tell her to not hold too tightly to those around you, and that life constantly changes so dont get too attached or comfortable because itll prevent you from growing in the future.

the road not taken – do you find it hard to make decisions? what regrets do you have?

its really hard to make decisions because i always assume that my ideas are wrong or bad so if someone else takes the lead, i cant be blamed. as far as regrets, i wish that in my past, i just put myself out there more. i couldve spent highschool actively seeking for possibilities instead of sulking and wishing they came to me. they dont ever, you have to find them.

still i rise – what's your relationship with yourself like? what are your best qualities?

i have a bad relationship to myself; if i admire one trait about myself, the other traits must be less than. for example, if i think i look nice one day, then i remember abt my grades or my writing and how much i hate both of those. i can never be fully at peace, it will never be enough to sate my psyche. my ‘best’ qualities depend on the day, right now i think i have nice eyelashes.

howl – can you express yourself freely? do you feel smothered by societal norms?

i struggle everyday to be my genuine self. its not so much societal norms but my own mind; i want to look nice but i dont want to attract too much attention. i want to be remembered but not for how good my ass looks or whatever. my biggest fear is that people see me as something desirable but only sexually so i want to dress how i feel but i cant because im terrified of the gaze of men on my campus.

the raven – are you in touch with your feelings? how would you describe the relationship between emotions & rationality?

im extremely in touch with my feelings. i can acknowledge when i am angry or sad or happy, even if i dont know why. i allow myself to feel my feelings and then let them pass, i hate bottling those things up. between emotions and rationality, i use my emotions 9 times out of 10. i ask myself, ‘what do i want?’ and the first thing i come up with, i know is what i truly want to do. 

sonnet 116 – how do you define love? what qualities do you look for in a significant other?

i think love is everything; its the warmth of hanging out with familiar people, its when people remember facts about you, its a meaningful hug and its ‘this reminded me of you’. its different for everyone but i feel love in everything i do. in a significant other, the biggest thing is being able to make me laugh, if youre funny than im sold.

to autumn – what's your favorite season and why? what cherished memories do you associate with that season?

my favorite season is winter because it has lots of holiday warmth, good food, pleasant childhood memories, and comfortable clothing. also i love snow. i have very vivid memories of a blizzard in maryland when i was 11(?) years old, my neighbor tied a sled to the back of his ATV and dragged us around the cul de sac, it was so much fun!!

the waste land – do you like big cities? if you could choose any place on earth, where would you settle down?

i love big cities, they evoke so many feelings of love and the atmosphere being surrounded by people makes me so happy! if i could live anywhere, i think it would be san francisco, i love the city and the weather and the public transportation!!

o captain! my captain! – what are your aspirations in life? what motivates you?

in life, i want to give a tedtalk. i would also love to publish a book but i dont like what i write so if i ever did, id end up hating the book anyway in a year or so. i want to teach people the joy of public speaking and i want to give kids the joys i had given to me by my teacher when i was their age. my motivation comes from, this has to be done and if no one else will do it, it might as well be me. i have the passion and everything else will follow after that.

she walks in beauty – what's your aesthetic? how would you describe the relationship between inner goodness & outer beauty?

id describe my aesthetic as lovecore, i love the color pink and red and hearts and flowers and teddy bears and dresses and sparkles and valentines day and i love everything stereotypically ‘cute’. and i feel there is no outer beauty without inner goodness, if someone has bad intentions or a rotten core, their outward appearance will reflect.

one art – how do you deal with loss? do you write diary entries, poetry or prose?

thankfully i have not had to go through tremendous loss in my life but when i feel an emotional loss or general low point, i tend to move towards art, aimless doodling to take my mind off of situations. it centers me.

work, sometimes – how does your favorite weather make you feel? what is happiness to you?

my favorite weather makes me feel SO happy, all smiley and giddy and like things are going to be okay, just for one day, i will make this a good one. happiness to me is comfort and joy, its something that makes you laugh until your sides hurt and its art that you look at and feel. happiness isnt a huge moment, its little moments scattered throughout the days.

acquainted with the night – do you think there's such thing as the right time? what’s your outlook on the world?

no, i dont like to set things off for the thought of there being a right and wrong time. time isnt real and we only have so long on earth so there is no time but the present. go get that tattoo, ask them out, eat that snack. my outlook on the world is that there is a lot of bad shit but there is also a lot of good shit you will never see but it important nonetheless. you cant change the world in a day so you might as well take it one day at a time, working everyday to make it as good as possible.

if – do you daydream a lot? are you volatile, or do you stay calm when conflicts arise?

i love to day dream, it helps me determine what i really want and its a lovely distraction when the goings get tough. i try to avoid conflicts in every situation possible but if i were pushed, id either accept my mistake and apologize and work towards a better future; or i would tell the other person how im feeling and what i can do to help them feel better.

what would i give? – do you cry often? if you could change anything about your past, what would it be?

things make me sad but rarely enough to cry, things more so tend to weigh me down then break me. i let the sadness take me however it sees fit. and if thats to cry, so be it. if i could change anything about my past, i would just say that you will only get this chance to start over in a new state once, the years will go by quick so to TAKE OPPORTUNITIES WHEN THEY SHOW THEM SELF TO YOU!!!!!!

#adoration #rockcandey #stan tag #this took so long

[journeysintowebcomics]

Homestuck Liveblog #186

UPDATE 186: Political Assassination

Last time John finally got that tooth off his chest, and Jake agreed to give his endorsement to Karkaroni. Now what will happen? Let’s see.

Has it been days since Jade has been sitting on that couch, levitating and with her eyes completely black? Given everything that has happened in the meantime it sure feels like it has. Roxy’s getting worried, she tried to call Rose but she didn’t respond, so instead he goes for the next option she has: Dave. Who immediately brags about working to stop Jane from screwing up everything. The words ‘neoliberal austerity measures’ are unsaid but they’re like an echo when Dave talks about the presidential campaign, I bet. He’s busy handling Jake’s endorsement speech.

ROXY: i guess in the grand scheme of things

ROXY: shes just takin a sort of nap

ROXY: but its one HELL of a nap bro

‘one hell of a nap, davey, shes been blacked out for, like, a week’

It seems the troll candidate is more popular with the trolls and the carapacians than with the humans and consorts. How don’t they have more consort supporters? Hopefully Jake’s endorsement will change that.

ROXY: lmao dirk just texted me about this

ROXY: somehow he found out about jade did u tell him

DAVE: uh no

ROXY: he just said make sure she gets lotsa daylight

ROXY: that itll help with the “exorcism she needs”.....

ROXY: and also to say hi to calliope for some fuckin reason??

DAVE: thats weird

Well that makes clear what the best course of action is: don’t open the windows nor place her anywhere in the daylight. If Dirk’s advice will help with the exorcism she needs – to get Dead Calliope out – then it’s a bad idea. I’m enjoying this epilogue much more with Dead Calliope controlling the narrative, thanks.

It’s alarming Kanaya isn’t picking up either. Could Dirk have gotten rid of her? I sure hope not! Kanaya has done nothing wrong and deserves to stay alive, what with being the professional when it’s about troll reproduction. She better still be fine and kicking!

DAVE: i gotta give karkat some emotional support

DAVE: since gettin jake on our side was a pretty huge fucking bonanza for us

DAVE: which has almost equal probability of winning us the election as it does blowing up in our faces depending on this speech he gives

DAVE: so we gotta like

DAVE: concentrate here?????

DAVE: instead of jerking each other off all god damned day for the rest of our lives

DAVE: (im just joking we dont actually do that)

ROXY: oh

They don’t do that, much to Jade’s disappointment, I bet. Either way, it’s speech time!

The struggle to take control of the narrative is a petty squabble, says Dirk, taking the high ground by offering Dead Calliope a way out. Buddy, pal, friend, you can’t take the high ground and then insinuate Calliope is ugly as sin. That is petty.

Apparently everybody thinks Dave loves Karkaroni, and although I believe that too, it’s fine if Dave never comes to terms to that. The guy marches at the beat of his own drum, he’ll be fine. This kind of thing can’t be forced on him. Speaking of things that can’t be forced, Roxy wants to know how Dave came out to everyone else as not straight. Oh dear, Roxy, I don’t think Dave ever did that. You’re asking the wrong person – unless you want the answer to be ‘deny it for like eight years now’.

He’s not really denying it right now, though. Maybe he did come out to the others and I didn’t find out until now. He’s not comfortable enough with rapping about ‘boning dudes’ in middle of a stadium where so many people can see him, but he’s not running away from the question. Way to go, Dave! I approve character growth!

Somehow Dave has this entire spiel about all the steps of admitting not being straight. On what phase are you, Dave? Inquiring minds want to know. I’d paste the entire thing here, because it’s pretty good stuff, but it’d feel like I’m applying filler for the sake of applying filler, so I won’t.

Dirk really doesn’t want a conversation about gender. Personally I have to agree because, even though this is great for development and I appreciate all of Dave’s steps, this is kind of a random place to shove this in. Pretty bad place, really. It’d have been great at a different moment.

Horrendously invasive of Roxy’s deepest personal thoughts.

...uh, Dirk, you know what else is horrendously invasive? Taking over the narration and manipulating people around. Also the assimilation plan, that’s more than horrendously invasive.

Okay, this is going for long enough.

DIRK: Do you even know where I am right now?

DIRK: Do you have the slightest idea what I’m up to?

the prince is laboring under the delusion that he has been the least bit subtle in his intentions. he currently stands beneath the carapacian bell tower, poised to climb to the top. he holds the long, red sniper rifle that once belonged to roxy, brandishing it openly and boldly. he seems mysteriously oblivious to the fact that holding a long rifle in broad daylight somewhat tips one to the fact that he soon intends to shoot someone from a great distance. he also seems unaware of the fact that i know perfectly well that the top of this tower has a clear, long-range view of the stadium, allowing any competent sniper a clear shot of whoever happens to be standing at the podium as they give a speech. as jake english is about to do.

he also doesn’t seem to realize i have anticipated his attempt to assassinate his own friend in order to advance his political goals, and that i am prepared to take measures which make this impossible.

It really sounds like Dirk’s getting ready to shoot, he’s up at the right place and has a view of the stadium where Jake will be, but...I don’t know, ever since Roxy said Dirk messaged her about keeping Jade in the sunlight for ‘an exorcism’ I have been feeling uneasy, and now that this all was said just now, well, I kind of suspect Dirk may try to shoot and kill Jade. It sure would free her of Dead Calliope’s control and possibly give him back the control of the narrative. It’s a possibility, no?

Somehow the next few paragraphs resembles a schoolyard roleplaying fight. ‘You can’t reach the top of the stairs because...your feet feel really heavy’ ‘really? Then I can fly’ ‘and then the bell came crashing down on you!’ ‘I cut that stupid bell with my sword!’ ‘not fair!’ ‘yes fair!’.  It’s endearing in its own way.

DIRK: He wonders out loud, “what is this, amateur hour”?

DIRK: The Dead Cherub then humorlessly narrates, “why, yes. yes mr. strider, it IS amateur hour. and i’m the amateur here, for throwing a huge bell at you. i would like to humbly apologize for my amateurism.”

no i don’t.

DIRK: Sure you do.

I’m having fun with this part, guys, I really am! This is great.

This is over when Dead Calliope, trying to stop the focus on Dirk and his increasingly petty narration, turns the attention back to Dave who must still be explaining to Roxy the intricacies of coming out to their friends. I see keeping a show in a standstill is a Strider family trait.

DAVE: well lets just say internalized whatevers are kind of like an onion

DAVE: theres lots of layers

DAVE: they suck on pizza

DAVE: and trolls have to get their stomach pumped if they eat them

That has got to be the most contrived simile Dave has said in recent history.

Dirk continues saying very clearly he’s about to shoot Jake, and the more he states that so bluntly the more I suspect there’s something else going on.

‘Xenophobe’ and related words are starting to stop looking like a real word. It just has been said so many times.

Everything is making Dave feel like something’s wrong – undoubtedly Dead Calliope’s influence – so he gets in the path of any potential bullets, protecting Jake with his own body.

and despite dave’s quick and well-justified action, what is also unbeknownst to him is that the sniper no longer poses a threat of pulling that trigger. because everyone knows that for all of the prince’s shortcomings, he would never expose his beloved brother and son to the risk of a heroic death.

DIRK: You’re absolutely right.

DIRK: I would never do that.

DIRK: I’d never kill Dave, no matter what I felt the stakes were. I’d never hurt him either.

I’m pretty willing to bet taking over Dave’s self doesn’t count as killing or hurting him, therefore it’s fair game. Dave would be pretty unhappy to know what Dirk’s doing, anyway. The narrative reveals what’s in the sniper rifle are not bullets, they’re tranquilizers. It’d be a non-fatal way of keeping someone out of the way for a while. The second thing Dead Calliope got wrong, though...

DIRK: Yes. You’re right about the tranquilizer.

DIRK: But there’s one more fact you’re not aware of.

DIRK: Which is that I never intended to aim for Jake at all.

Well then! Turns out I may have been right about that he intends to shoot Jade. He must feel really confident about it if he can announce it aloud after aaaall the charades he did to fool Dead Calliope. Is it Jade, Dirk? Will you tranquilize Jade and pretty much put her to sleep – non-fatally?

Dirk spins in what must be the tiniest bell tower ever, given he only has to spin to change direction and be able to aim somewhere else, and gets ready to shoot. All Dead Calliope can do is freeze Dirk’s finger on the trigger, but he thought ahead and made the rifle to be voice-operated. All he has to do is say ‘fire’. Which he does! Game over for Dead Calliope?

Pretty good aim, hitting a vein from all this distance. Jade indeed has gotten tranquilized, and I’m pretty sure given this isn’t the first time Dirk uses tranquilizers – he uses them in TV – it shouldn’t be too hard for anyone to realize this is Dirk’s orangey shady hand making the moves.

The insult against Jade is uncalled for, Dirk. But yeah, the result of all this is that Dirk is once again back in control of the narrative, which makes me sigh with exasperation. I really liked Dead Calliope’s narration more than Dirk’s, so I’m not looking forward to this change.

Roxy drops to her knees by the couch, pulls the dart out of Jade’s neck, and tries to shake her awake. But it’s no use. That’s a heavy dose I gave her. Could be out for weeks. Maybe months? Can’t have any cherubs messing with my business on this planet. At least not until I’ve taken my leave. But Jade’s gonna be fine. Don’t worry about that.

So...she’s pretty much in a coma. Could be worse, could be worse. She could be dead. This is barely better.

Cherubs are fuckin’ weird, I’ll totally concede. Still not sure what makes them tick. What they idealize, what they really want. It all comes across to me as a little cloying. Perfection to them is a sweetness beyond comprehension. Sugar so potent it’s poison to us. To our bodies, to our souls. Like the place she was operating from was a realm of self-construction. A bubble of pure, phantasmal confection.

Well, I for one have had enough of that goddamn toothache. I’m back in the protein saddle, motherfuckers. I’m clacking my tongs, and the charcoal is hot.

Now who’s hungry for meat?

Does that mean the candy epilogue is all Dead Calliope’s influence seeping through instead of Dirk’s? It could be interesting to see what kind of thing she does to the world. Although...given the effects of the trickster lollipop and how ‘sweetness beyond comprehension’ is perfection to them, it’s bound to be nightmarish. I’m actually looking forward to that!

Speaking of meat, holy shit. You just look more fucked up every time we come back to you, don’t you, John?

You’re a disgraceful mess right now. Covered in blood, mysteriously sticky, bruised all over your arms, legs, and neck. Terezi practically raked rows into your back. You catch sight of yourself in the rearview mirror. You’re kind of embarrassed by what a postcoital train wreck you look like when all she’s got is mussed hair. And you should be embarrassed. Seriously, it’s like you were mauled by a wild animal. Jesus, don’t either of you have any shame?

Ah. Okay then, good for them, although I’m pretty concerned. Such a physically intensive activity can’t be good for the guy with a gaping hole in the chest and the troll who still must be half-starved. I won’t be surprised if these two just pass out and die anytime soon. I’m not entirely sure, but it seems things are awkward now between these two. Maybe it was all a spur-of-the-moment move.

You sit together on the hatch, like when you first met up days ago. Terezi crawls into your arms, and nuzzles right up against your chest so you have no choice but to hold on to her. You would have done it anyway if she asked, because you’re a total sap. The kind of guy who no doubt thinks banging a girl in a car is some deep, soul-shattering experience that bonds you for life. Yeah, John, you do think that. You think that you and Terezi are basically married now.

I can’t tell if he really thinks that or if Dirk’s funneling those thoughts into him. The line between what the character feels and what Dirk wants them to feel is pretty blurry by now.

After all this, Terezi gives up on looking for Vriska, so this is a prime moment for her to fly by and find them. She doesn’t, though, and John proposes Terezi to go home with him. Can they even go home? John is so tired it’s possible they can’t – which he really should have thought about before doing said physically intensive activity. Nobody to blame but yourself, John. Seriously, you have an open wound and bled like four liters of blood. You’re as good as dead.

He feels the urge to lie down and sleep, which is a pretty bad idea given the situation. Terezi rouses him up, so instead he decides to give this a try and zap back home. Hmmmm...if he’s so tired right now, it’s possible the act of zapping home will drain whatever energy he has left, so I’m not...very optimistic about John’s chances of survival. Would this count as a heroic death? Can you die from a heroic death if you die like two weeks after the offending injury is made? If he dies from exertion after having sex with Terezi that doesn’t count as a death because having sex with Terezi is neither heroic nor just, no? Oh well.

Back in the stadium, the inexistent assassination attempt may have given Karkaroni a push in the polls, and Dirk spends quite a while brandishing Jake like a piece of meat. Really, can he be treated as more than a flat character whose only non-flat trait is his posterior? Jake’s nervous and fidgets around, so much Dave and Karkaroni show concern and offer to cancel the speech and/or the campaign. It seems our favorite presidential troll still doesn’t like the idea of having leadership, he’s ready to throw the towel anytime. Jake insists he can do it, so he starts!

I don’t remember Dirk being so outright antagonistic in Homestuck. It’s making me pretty uncomfortable, I have to admit. It feels kind of out of nowhere, just like Jane’s sudden xenophobic inclinations are. What was Hussie thinking when he wrote all this? What was his intention?

Jake’s getting pretty nervous and I can’t tell if he’s getting stage fright or if Dirk’s influencing him to be nervous. The latter is a possibility, no? Wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what’s going on.

Why don’t you have a good, long think about that, Jake.

Is this really the time for a good, long think? Jake muses to himself, actually putting a finger to his chin like some public domain clip art picture of a befuddled guy. If the crowd is confused by his rapid-cycle mood changes, they don’t show it. Jake’s got a bit of a day-drinking problem, which has been slavishly documented in the global tabloids. That’s how you avoid responsibility, isn’t it, Jake? You can fool your fans, but not yourself. The truth is that there’s a canniness to the act. It’s partially cultivated. You’re stupid, but you’re not nearly as stupid as you pretend to be.

JAKE: What in the devil was i thinking coming here?

JAKE: Why did I...?

JAKE: I came here to...

... slide the biggest knife any motherfucker ever wielded directly into your friend Jane Crocker’s back?

She loves you, Jake, more than anything, and you toyed with her heart. And you would have guiltlessly toyed with her “kettle drums” too had it not been for a bit of divine intervention, let’s decide to call it.

Sigh. That’s...that’s all I can do with all this. Sigh and keep reading. Third time I’m scrolling through the epilogue a tad faster than I should. It’s pretty much an entire page of gaslighting. Nothing really worth delving into, mainly because it’s pretty uncomfortable to read such a thing. Dirk’s being the abusive ex, pretty much. Nothing really worthwhile.

JAKE: I love dirk!

JAKE: IM IN *LOVE* WITH DIRK!!!

 And to love Dirk is to obey him.

You know, there are a few reasons why I’m thinking of liveblogging these epilogues. I’ll explain them later, but right now I may as well say a word of two: the epilogue is competently written. The events in it are interesting, and the interactions are raw and full of emotion. It’s all pretty unpleasant to read, which makes it a bit novel, like swallowing bitter medicine. It’s pretty good, in a technical way.

But it simply doesn’t work with Homestuck characters. It just doesn’t.

Anyway, let’s continue scrolling down to the end of the page and go to the next.

I was right in that zapping back to Earth C would take what was left of John’s energy. He barely can give three steps before he falls down, so it’s all up to Terezi now. She wants to bring John to Jane, so she can revive him. I don’t think she has revived him before, so it should be a good idea. It’d be better to bring Jane to John, though.

It doesn’t matter. This isn’t a wound you can recover from. It’s Game Over this time: no healing, no afterlife, no cosmic clock proclaiming your sacrifice as Heroic. The poison needling through you is antithetical to narrative relevance. You’re not dying, John. You’re being erased. Cherubs don’t fuck around. We’ve both been learning that the hard way.

Oh, nevermind, it’s something not even Jane with her life powers can fix. I wonder if, once John is erased, nobody will remember him. That’s what happens when there’s no place for you in a narrative, no? Hmmm...

John already know he’s irreversibly going to die, and tells Terezi not to waste her time, that he was dead the moment Lord English bit him. Which is true, given this poison. Then he says he was dead the moment he woke up that morning, which...I suppose is the depression talking.

You died the moment you made the decision to go meet your destiny. You would have lived if you made the other decision, under a certain definition of the word “living.” You might have even lived until the end of your immortal life span, as shitty as that sounds.

So he’d have lived for the rest of his life if he had decided to do nothing. Makes sense. This may have been for the better, given Lord English needed to be defeated, so it’s time well-spent. It’s rather unfortunate it involves John’s death, but...in a way I saw this coming. Pretty tragic outcome, and given this epilogue has been chock-filled with a lot of tragedy and pessimistic scenarios, it only made sense this would happen.

It’s dying words time! Terezi is really affected because she really cares for John, and also they had a ‘emotionally significant sexual encounter’, so she’s even willing to listen to all the sappy stuff John will say in his deathbed. This is bound to be rather emotional! And the fact he can’t even think of something appropriate to say in his final moments is what makes it emotional because this isn’t how he imagined this would go. He can’t even think of quotes from his movies. Terezi offers to tell everyone John Egbert said some cool stuff in his final moments and make everybody believe it somehow, so instead John goes straight towards the sappy and tragic. There he goes!

JOHN: i think... i really lo—

TEREZI: DONT YOU D4R3

JOHN: i... r-really lov—

TEREZI: DONT YOU D4R3 FUCK1NG D13 ON M3 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF 4 LOV3 CONF3SS1ON!

TEREZI: 1 FORB1D 1T!!!

JOHN: but... i...

JOHN: i...

Then John dies in the middle of a love confession.

Love confession on the deathbed! It’s like this truly came from a movie, haha. Terezi is devastated, so much she can’t even bring herself to cry properly. Once she confirms he’s dead, she ponders what she should do now, alone in the world John wanted to bring her to. She doesn’t have anything else to do, so after a moment – and at Dirk’s behest – she takes John’s corpse in Dad Egbert’s wallet and starts walking.

It has been a month already. Jane won the election after what I figure was Jake’s endorsement speech for her, so that’s that. Terezi has been rather lost this whole month, and nobody has seen John Egbert – instead of saying he’s dead -- so I suppose she hasn’t told anyone he’s dead. Rose has been missing the entire time and Kanaya has been pushed around by Dirk’s machinations to keep him distracted while he keeps Rose locked away somewhere, both mentally and physically, I figure. All in all, it’s a pretty grim outlook for everybody in Homestuck. Also, Jade is still in coma. Terezi goes to visit her, perhaps to tell her what happened to John?

Dirk continues being so salty Roxy’s experimenting with her gender, apparently. Aren’t there a million other things to deal with, pal?

Roxy is very glad to see Terezi, and she takes Terezi thinking she’s Dave as a compliment. She also compliments Terezi, giving her some heartache because it makes her remember the time she spent with John. It may have been a few hours, apparently. Time works in mysterious ways up there in paradox space!

The reason Terezi is here is because she feels John would come here, and she’s right, I bet. John would want to check on Jade as much as he can, so now that she’s carrying John’s cadaver around, she feels she should handle this all herself. It’s also confirmed she hasn’t told anyone John is dead.

ROXY: back when jade first got all effed up callie saw somethin and it made them freak out

ROXY: it took me weeks to convince them that it was safe to come home

ROXY: but now we got the opposite problem and they arent leavin the house at all

ROXY: they stay home all day with the blinds drawn paintin some weird ass shit on the walls

TEREZI: WH4T?

ROXY: its not as bad as it sounds i promise

ROXY: some of it is like

ROXY: weird and violent??

ROXY: like lotsa nasty purple blood and um

ROXY: nudity????

TEREZI: >:?

ROXY: yeah yikes

ROXY: but MOST of it is cute stuff like... various combos of all of us being happy and gettin married and shit

ROXY: anyway thats kept callie kinda busy

ROXY: so it was hard as hell to convince them to let me come see jade at all

ROXY: its like theyre traumatized

ROXY: and they think ill drag whatever possessed jade back into our home with me

So the end result for Calliope is that she’s traumatized. Seeing a dead version of herself possessing Jade must have really rattled her. As I said, this is all pretty grim for everyone in Homestuck, goodness. Although...part of me wonders if her current state is partly because of Dirk’s influence. He’s petty enough to mess with the living Calliope’s head as a ‘take that’ for Dead Calliope.

Someone tries to contact Terezi through her phone, she’s not sure who it’d be. Perhaps Dirk? He did show a preference to sending messages to his former friends and acquaintances. As if things weren’t awkward enough for Terezi, she’s asked if she knows what happened to John. Terezi, you can’t keep this under wraps forever. Sooner or later you have to tell everyone John died because of injuries in Lord English’s fight.

It seems Terezi can hear Dirk perfectly even when he’s talking in the narration, I suppose it’s because of her aspect. Oh, be careful with the stuff you say, Dirk! She’s also willing to whisper stuff to address Dirk, even if it gets odd looks from other people. On the other hand, this kind of leaves her more vulnerable to Dirk’s machinations, no? Part of manipulating people is responding to what they say, so with some luck this won’t go belly-up.

Once the conversation is over Roxy leaves and Dirk exposits Terezi still feels guilty about hiding John’s death from everyone, and she can’t even confide in Dave because of mistakes she did as a teenager in another timeline. It’s the curse of having the Mind aspect, isn’t it? Knowing what the choices cause. All of Dirk’s exposition bothers Terezi enough for her to tell him to scram, and he refuses to do so.

Come on, Terezi. You don’t belong here. You know you don’t belong here.

Do you feel threatened by Terezi, Dirk? Is that why you’re trying to push her away? I don’t think Terezi has anything that could be particularly useful against Dirk’s plans, so I’m not sure why he’s bothering to mess with her like this. She even points out they barely have crossed words.

Okay, I believe he feels threatened by her in some manner because he tries to convince her to join him in...some place. More like he wants her out of Earth C. He even offers to let her take John with her, which is why I’m sure he made her pick up the corpse, so he could manipulate her by using John. He finally leaves her alone with her thoughts, sure he managed to convince her enough. We’ll see.

Stopping for now!

Next time: next update

#homestuck #homestuck liveblog #webcomics #liveblog #webcomic liveblog

[hyungkyun]

happy bday dummy 🤡

OMG can u believe!!! u turn four today… they grow up so fast ugh 😔 i met u when u were like two… u were just a litle baby. you’re still a litle baby, actually, u canot change this. wish i could give u a brand new bear blanky as ur gift! 😔😔😔

ill stop clowning now skdfjld. but for real, i cant believe its been another whole ass year and were still being annoying together!!! ilysm bih!!!!!!! i think i’ve said this before on each of our bdays lmao,, but youre really a huge part of my life. i just keep repeating it bc it’s actually rly fucking impressive how after all this time (aLL tHiS tImE, be we’re eighty or smth lmao) we keep being as annoying as the first day lmaoaoa. not to be gross or anything but you’re really an amazing friend, and im thankful for all the support and love you’ve given me all this time. im rly lucky to get to have u in my life!! guess tungle did One Good thing by putting us together :Y

i do mean it when i say you’re a wonderful person. i know u have a hard time believing that sometimes, but i guess part of my work here as ur friend is to remind u everytime until u believe it!!! you’re a beautiful human being, inside and outside. i could make a list of all the good qualities in u, but you’re much more complex than a list of things! the way ur qualities overlap and make u u is unique and everchanging, it can’t just be put down into a bunch of words. language is not enough to express the magnificence of a single person (trust me, i would know, bc im an eNgLiSh MaJoR). i’m thankful that you’ve let me see a bit of urself. hopefully u won’t mind if i stay around to see a little more.

anyway. let’s go back to clowning  😜 

you’re becoming a whole ass grown child vampire i’m so proud of u 🤧 i hope u have a rly good day, and find some time to eat like. a cake or smth delicious. we can pretend i made it for u, just choose a good one that looks a lil ugly, to keep it as accurate as possible :|

i love u vvvvvv much, dummy 💕💕💕 i rly wish the best for u!!! 

mayhaps……..im crying……….maybe copious tears are falling down my cheeks but we’ll never be sure……….bruh :-( ure the cutest im gonna sob like a litle baby 😔 maybe ure right im just a litle baby and itll never change 😔😔 but so are u!!!! so im the one whos gonna give u a bear blanky as a gift!!! die!! why are u clowning me its rly soft and cozy ud love it!!!!!!!!!!!!

skdjfhskdjfh i know we always say that but it IS v impressive and tbh……we just get more and more annoying with time………so its surprising neither of us has blocked the other yet LMFAO but i could never :-( i love u sm ure so precious to me :-( like its gross and ure stinky but i rly rly rly love u and im rly rly rly grateful to be able to talk to u everyday :-( i know u like to be all tough with all ur scorps and stuff but u rly do have a Huge Soft Heart and this is proof, ure so sweet :-( i rly hope im able to give u back all the love and support uve been giving me this past year, u deserve the world nat :-( tungle did what the goblin denied us by putting us so far apart, bless this cursed site.

ugh omg :-( im so emo shut up…..ure such an angel and i usually say this like ‘hey angel 😘😛😜’ but like!!! i rly mean it look at u :-( i know im a stubborn lil shit but thank u so much for supporting me, comforting me and just!! staying by my side (even tho it would look like the opposite since we’re always bantering skdjfhsjdfh) im the one who’s thankful to be around someone who lets me be myself, whatever that is lol, and of course id love u to stay for as long as possible :-( i wanna see more of u too dummy, u lil cryptic sag baby :T but anyway ur nerd english major words rly made me cry so damn u nat!!!!! ure rly out there making my airy heart feel things!!!!!!!! on my airy bday!!!! unbelievable!! 

skjfskj omg stop im not a child vampire!!! im 21 now, its the legal vampire age to drink the blood of the innocent 😔 skdfskjf ure literally so dumb!!! ur cakes are always pretty and full of love!!! my mom did make a cake tho and i could only taste the lemon 😔😔 i guess it was rly ur cake 😔😔😔😔

i love u so much idiot i was like. looking forward to ur bday message bc ure so dumb cute :-( oh who am i fooling im always looking forward to ur messages :T but u said such nice things im so emo rn ure a dumbass i love u the most :-( thanks for making my bday (and all my days) full of love and nice memories 💕💗💓💞💘💕💞💓💗💘💕💕💗💓💞💘💕💞💓💗💘💕💕💗💓💞💘💕💞💓💗💘💕💕💗💓💞💘💕💞💓💗💘💕💕💗💓💞💘💕💞💓💗💘💕💕💗💓💞💘💕💞💓💗💘💕💕💗💓💞💘💕💞💓💗💘💕💕💗💓💞💘💕💞💓💗💘💕💕💗💓💞💘💕💞💓💗💘💕

#me sobbing: ure so stinky!!!!!!!! i love u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #bih :-(((((((((((((((((( this was cute thank u sm #i love u a lot like!!! lots!!!!!! and im so grateful to have u in my life ure so important :-( #idk what id do without u tbh my life would be so boring :-((( #thank u for sticking with me 💕 #submission #my baker bee #mutuals🌼

[waffles-hamato]

Helping With Anxiety

Since I feel like I dont contribute much to this site I've decided to make mty own guide to helping with some forms of anxiety. I'm only going to cover ones I have though as to not step over a line.

How to Deal with Social Anxiety:

Social Anxiety is a fear of social situations like parties or sometimes just going to school/work. My social anxiety was bad growing up but I've learned to deal with it better now.

1. Little Movements: For me I got socially anxious because I never know what to do with my hands and felt like people were judging me for that. So sometimes playing with something small helped to get my nerves down.

I personally enjoy my fidget spinner and cube but there are other things you can use. Just have anything you're comfortable with and you'll do great ❤

2. Writing: In school I usually get super anxious but whenever I do I write down my thoughts and start to calm down. It's just something about getting it out that made me feel better, like if you have a stomach virus and vomit it out through the process. Always carry a notebook if you want to get the thoughts out somehow but have no one to talk to at the moment, decorate the book however you want so it feels like YOUR book and only yours, and unless you give consent, no one is allowed to read it. Let it be your safe space where there is no judgment.

3. Discreet Meditation: Through my counseling my therapist taught me a few meditation tricks that helped lower my anxiety level. But only one can actually be done in public as far as I know. This one just helps to make it easier to make your stress/anxiety to disappear. (Step one: Clear your head as best you can, if you can't then that's okay but try to focus as much as possible.

(Step two: Start focusing down to your feet, think of how your shoe feels around it, your socks, how tight the laces are, etc.

(Step three: Start moving your focus through your ankles and up yours legs. Think of how your pants feel/the air around your legs.

(Step four: Move the focus up your torso, think of how your stomach feels at the moment, your chest, your sides. Do you feel any form of bad feeling/anxiety/stress? If you do focus more on that feeling and think 'Unimportant' over and over. After a while the feeling should go away. If it doesnt go fully away then that's completely fine, you're still doing great.

(Step five and final step: Move the focus up your neck and to your head (if possible an inch above your head) and think of how your brain is doing, how your hair feels, the sounds your hearing. Is there any form of bad thinking/anxiety/stress? If so then do the same as you wouldve done if it was in your torso area. But remember if the feeling doesnt fully go away it's alright. You're doing an amazing job going through it.

4. Listening to Music: I absolutely love music and sometimes when I'm feeling anxious in a social situation it's a great escape and helps to calm me. Make a playlist for that special occasion of personal therapy.

I personally love hearing Thomas Sanders voice because I have connected him to a happy part of my brain. If you have a good connection to an artist and one or more of their songs then I suggest starting your playlist with that. As you can see I have a lot of songs but that's because I'm scattered and can never tell my mood for when I want to listen but I always start with Thomas to get me in a beginning of a good mood. Just put in your playlist whatever feels right for you and itll be great.

How to Deal with Regular Anxiety:

I also have the normal form of anxiety which my therapist just calls extreme paranoia and overthinking. You dont even ahve to be in a social situation or anything special to have this it just....happens. This also connects to mty phobias but I dont believe I shall get into those now.

1. Little/Big Movements: This is the same thing I do with my social anxiety but it still works by yourself. Just play with a small thing or if you want you can even hug a beloved stuffed animal. If you have a loved one nearby maybe cuddling them or getting a hug will help. (I dont like being touched a lot but that's just me personally) You could even do little exercises to get that dopemine running, although I dont recommend a full on big workout while you're anxious because your brain may not take it well and neither will your body so just do small ones.

2. Listening to Music: Yes this is also the same but it still works. Pop out that playlist and listen to those glorious jams your beautiful brain chose just for you.

3. Meditation: Meditation works more effectively here because you get to do more and imagine more. I was only told two so theres this one and the other one for social anxiety. Usually I have another person talking the instructions to me so if you want you can do that or get a recording of the instructions because your brain should be mostly clear for this and not remembering them. (Step one: Sit down and close your eyes, your hands on your legs with your palms facing up

(Step two: Imagine you're in a forest. What kind of trees are there? Do you smell anything? Hear any sounds? (If you cant answer them it's okay, just keep going)

(Step three: Start walking through the forest, focus on the swish of the grass, crunch of the leaves, or clicking of the gravel as you do so

(Step four: Walk through. aclesring of the trees so you're at a lake. Sit down by the lake and focus. Do you hear the sound of the water flowing? Are you sitting by anything? Do you feel anything at the tip of your fingers? How about any sounds?

(Step five: Take a deep breath and close your eyes in the imagination. Let out the breath and slowly take in another

(Step six: Open your eyes. How do you feel?

4. Talk it Out: If you're comfortable enough with someone to the point you're able to talk to them about your problems then go ahead. Let it all flow out. If you know that person will support you through those thoughts and that talk then go for it. Get a hug from them, get their feedback, just get it all out on the table.

5. Counseling: If you're struggling even more than you thought then I suggest seeing a professional. They give you a new insight of the problems you face and will even give you more ways to face them then you could have imagined. Sometimes it's better to have someone who hasnt seen your stuff first hand but hears it from you. When I went, I had never felt like telling my friends my problems because I thought I would hurt them or they wouldnt care so it felt great to actually go to someone I didnt know and that didnt know me even if it was awkward at first. She listened, gave me advice, and at one point we became pretty cool with each other. It's worth a shot to go see a counselor so just give it a shot okay buddy?

6. Take A Nap: Being anxious can also be exhausting. Sometimes I wont get a good night's sleep because of my nerves and I see that as unhealthy. Not getting enough sleep can hurt your mind and make you weak. If you're tired, take a quick nap to clear your head and regain your strength. Anxiety shouldn't be allowed to physically hurt you so dont let it, start fighting back by just sleeping even for five more minutes.

7. Breath: When you're feeling really anxious it can be hard to take full breaths. Just try to relax as much as possible and slow down your breathing. I got my routine from Thomas Sanders and it helps a lot. Breath in for 5 seconds, hold in for 7 seconds, and breath out for 8 seconds. Keep going until you feel better. If that routine doesn't work for you then continue experimenting and find tyour own routine to help YOU. It's your choice on how to breathe, just make sure it a deep breath.

I hope some of this will help someone out there. I'm still figuring stuff out myself so it's okay if none of it works for you because I know people find their own special ways to deal with anxiety. So remember that I will support you in spirit with whatever helps you. See you in the next post everyone ❤

#mentalstrength #mental health #mental help