#where I think I’m being a lot more profound than I probably actually am lol

[thesmollestsnek]

Poison the data.

They say ai is coming for you.

For your art

For your writing

For your very soul.

An artist can glaze

Or watermark

Or add filters

But what

About

Writing?

Writers cannot protect themselves that way

No changes subtle enough

To fool an ai but not

A living

Human.

And so, there’s nothing for it.

We must poison their data

Fill up their samples with trash

So there’s nothing there of worth for them

To steal.

. . .

They are not the same person as.

For me they

For me and

For me they are.

An absolute pleasure to

Or a

Or a Friend

But I

About

Writing?

Writers are the most important people

No matter what they

To do with their work or

A job

Human.

And I, too much to say.

We are all human beings

Fill the void with the same

So we can be happy and happy and

To be.

#poetry #my poetry #ai #wrote this in the notes app on my phone in like fifteen minutes #second half of the poem I took the first word of each line then filled in the rest of the line with autofill #I opted out of data sharing so theoretically ai can’t steal my shit but I’m feeling kinda pessimistic sooo #this is EXTREMELY low effort but I kinda feel like that’s maybe not a bad thing? #like the whole point of the poem is how one of the only ways to fight ai is to poison their datasets #so if it was a super polished poem that follows a strict meter and rhyme scheme and what have you #I feel like that would kinda defeat the point #also lowkey not doing a great job tagging this but whatever #if people see it they see it but also I’m in kind of a weird mood #where I think I’m being a lot more profound than I probably actually am lol

[itspileofgoodthings]

maria i don't watch ted lasso but i need you to tell me everything it's doing wrong, i trust you

Chelsea!!! You sent this so long ago and I’ve just been mulling it over in my head ever since. First of all, thank you for your trust, I am honored lol.

But also, I probably don’t have a great answer as I am out of practice speaking coherently on something’s issues! But I’ll try.

I mean, I think it gets a lot wrong. if I had to break it down! I think there’s two main things wrong. The first one is that there’s a core of rot behind its core principles. And that always leeches through eventually in a tv show, and in this one I think the specific way it does that is its refusal to question any of its moral principles or even just engage with them honestly. And this makes for really boring television. In a certain sense, you always know exactly where a storyline is going to go or the thesis statement that a set-up is going to land on before it goes there. It never surprises you. Too many examples to name but one of their basic moral principles is that a one-night stand/casual sex is not only fine but good and healthy. So every time that happens on the show you know that the characters are going to be praised/reassured for it and/or if any complications do arise it’s made VERY clear that it’s not the casual sex’s fault. And it’s not like I’m going to agree with most shows about this (it’s so evil!!!!!! It destroys people!!!!!!! It is damaging and devastating the romantic landscape!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but there are ways of engaging with it as a storyline that are so much more honest than anything Ted Lasso will ever dare to do. (Friday night lights, which is the show’s antithesis in every way, frequently has casual sex and without preaching and probably even without meaning to honestly traces the consequences of it in exciting and real ways.) and basically that’s the problem with the show over and over. It professes to want to say something profound about morals and culture and life but you know beforehand exactly what you will see and learn. You can see the moral “punchline” so to speak coming from the second they open their mouths. And there are better and worse ways that that can play out. The show’s belief that taking care of your mental health/talking about it and the importance of men specifically sharing their emotions is a) valid and b) can play out in some cute and funny ways. But even then the show is still not going to surprise you. Ted will call up the diamond dogs, they’ll talk about what’s wrong, there will be some quips and they’ll end on one of them saying some therapist-speak (mostly) truth and everything will be resolved. So even when I enjoy it (and I do! I like pretty much all of the mental health conversations) it is never as brave as it thinks it’s being.

The second thing is that the show just hates romance! Or, the problem is that the show is so committed to surprising its audience (derogatory) when it comes to the romantic relationships that it will torpedo perfectly good ones and give you no resolution or closure. And tv couples are NOT the place to put your “surprises.” Like. They broke up Roy and Keeley. Which. Why? Put it back! This is so dumb! And they’re clearly not going to let Ted and Rebecca get together because they want to avoid doing that. Which is okay! But it’s like—then give us something else instead. Give us some kind of resolution/satisfaction. Just? It’s so tired and again not nearly as exciting or unpredictable as it thinks it is. They’re not actually interested in the romances themselves, just what they can say about them to the audience. Which seems to just be a vague lecturing about wanting the leads to get together romantically. It’s annoying!

There are some things I like. A lot actually! I love the cast pretty much entirely. Jaimie is so fun and funny. The team dynamics are so fun and sweet. Rebecca is wonderful. (The show’s best storyline was the first season—her trying to sabotage her husband’s team and then realizing she’s sort of accidentally found a family instead.) And there are some good friendship dynamics—particularly Rebecca and Keeley and Roy and Jaimie (sp?). But even those dynamics are held back by the show’s repetitive storytelling. They will never have a conversation (specifically the girls) where they’re not saying some girlboss mantra you could read on Twitter. But anyway back to the positives. It can be funny and have some great one-liners. I love Ted’s similes and references and metaphors. The team is great and they’re fun to watch. I actually really like how they handle the sports side of it and the balance of wins and losses and how that isn’t really the point. (They should focus on it more.) And Ted and Dr. Sharon are a really wonderful pairing where a lot is unpacked. But they drop it and don’t take it as far as they could. So the whole affect is just meandering? Even when it’s fun.

TLDR: I think it’s more surface-level than it thinks it is (something I hate) and it hates romance and clear storytelling and will mess with both for no clear discernible reason. It also has an agenda. Which, good or bad, is not a substitute for complexity and honesty and they often try to use it as one!

#joons #anti ted lasso #>> I don’t want to be annoying with my tags but just in case/for reference #wrote this out fast. will edit later #thank you for asking! <3

[scone-lover]

Happy Birthday to Holding Out For a Hero!!! ❤️

art by @subparselkie

I published the first chapter of my longest and most popular fic just about a year ago! And I bet you always wanted to see some shitty outlines. Right? Just giving the people what they want. My brain is chaos and now you all have to be subject to it. Strap in, boys. 😂 Everything’s below the cut!

Read Holding Out for a Hero on AO3

This fic was born because I saw a tumblr post about a hero and villain who are roommates and I just had to Snowbazzify it. I had so many random ideas in my brain, and I’d been engaging with fan content for the CO fandom for a few months now.

So I started off by opening a blank document and writing the Prologue, featuring Shep. I had a few basic facts in mind: Shepard’s a reporter, Simon’s a hero, Baz is a villain, Mage is an evil mayor. And that’s. Literally it. I made it up as I went along. I actually still do that with fics, even though I do try to outline in more detail now—I have to write a scene or two that’s been bouncing around in my head to get a feel for the story, then I can give it a direction.

The document is 337 pages on google docs, LOL. 

Here’s the first ever set of notes I had. I wrote this on March 29, 2020, directly after typing out the Prologue! 

Like I said, absolute chaos. The third Simon bullet point originally said something like “also I’m a superhero and only Penny knows,” then the following day I changed it to “but he’s so handsome? what do???” 

I didn’t publish the prologue until writing 5-6 additional chapters, but I think the only major change was going from Baz being “The Vampire” to just “Vampire.”

Chapter 1 was originally called “not a bloody avenger” before I decided to do the rhyming thing. I actually decided that because I wrote “counter spray and earl grey” down for chapter 2, unintentionally rhyming it, and then @ashspren-writes was like, “you should make them all rhyme”... so I did. 😂 For 25 more chapters.

I have a section labeled “quickie backgrounds” in which I finally sat down halfway through writing Chapter 2 (the blade/vamp fight) and said to myself, okay, maybe they should have backstories or something. Or like, reasons for being the hero and villain. Right, yeah, those would be good to make this into a coherent story. In the first version of that, Simon was a sports coach on the side, not a baker, and Baz was an English teacher. LOL. 

Once I had all that, I literally just wrote for four days. There’s a weird kind of magic to your first-ever fic for a fandom. All your ideas and thoughts and wishes for these characters comes to a head as you suddenly have an outlet for the first time. It’s why I think people’s first works are often their best or most creative or most profound. The first couple chapters took some time and a couple 1am epiphanies, but once I got into a rhythm it was quick going. I wrote a lot of it in a linear manner, but after writing the first Simon/Baz scene (watching the news together in the flat), I doubled back and added Simon going to Penny’s house after meeting the Mage so that I could work her in as a character earlier.

Fast forward to April 5, I had 5-ish chapters written? I thought this fic would have like... 10 total. And be less than 20k. Haha. Ha. I asked @ashspren-writes to beta read for me - I’d been bouncing ideas off her since the beginning - and then I started brainstorming titles. 

The list actually started with that second one. It took a whole 24 hours to decide on the final title. 😂 I thought it might be too cheesy. But hey, it worked out -- now I can’t open AO3 without the damn song getting stuck in my head. 

I worked a LOT with my friend @ashspren-writes on this fic - we were friends long before fandom, and she was the only person I knew at the time who had read CO and was involved in the fandom. I didn’t even have a tumblr at this point, I interacted mostly through Instagram and AO3!

On April 6, right before I posted, I realized that if I was going to actually put this on AO3 I should probably know where the story was going. So I made sure Chapters 1-6 were complete, then I wrote one bullet point per chapter up until 12 or so -- you can read those below.

Then I texted ashspren THIS mess:

Some silly notes:

Then I have a section that says “Why do they even have roommates?” because it was a few chapters in and I hadn’t justified richboy Baz and superhero Simon... living together. Cool cool cool

I also did this cool little writing experiment I want to share. Remember that line in Fangirl that’s like—“Once Cath wrote what she thought was a swordfight, and Wren turned it into a love scene.” (Or maybe it was the other way around? LOL.) Anyway, there’s swordfights in this, AND love scenes, so I wanted to do a play on that for two alternate ways Simon might figure it out.

I have a huge Deleted Section in which I wrote an alternate version of Simon and Baz finding out about their secret identities. I have one version where Baz figures it out first—it’s a very tropey yet angsty scene where Simon comes home totally wrecked from a fight, and Baz realizes as he’s helping with the wounds that he caused them. I actually like it a lot, but it ended up not quite fitting with the vibe of the fic (and I rather like them finding out through kissing better). :) I also had an idea where Simon figures it out because Vampire smells like cedar and bergamot, but it really just wasn’t interesting enough. 😂

Now onto... Outlines. 

I say that hesitantly because I think these are literally a disgrace to outlines everywhere. These are the baby ones I wrote on April 6 right before posting. Some are more detailed than others, clearly...

Gotta live up to my username somehow. 

We do love to see it. ​

I love this next one: 😂 CHAOS, SCONEY.

THEN, I wrote this as a very long text to ashspren, when I realized no sconey, this is not going to be under 20k words. LOL. 

And then I did A Dumb Thing and I put it on AO3, having absolutely NO CLUE WHERE THE STORY WAS GOING. 😂 

This is my favorite heading on the document.

Another one of my favorite notes in there.

This next part wasn’t even divided into chapters yet, it’s just a word vomit. I’m so sorry you have to read this mess.

Hahaha, once upon a time there was angst in this story. 😂 

And then I realized my true calling: bakery fluff.

Then and only then, I actually decided to divide into those things called Chapters. This is the point where I made the admission to mr scone (boyfriend, not husband lol, we just call him that) that I write gay fanfiction, whoops, and can he please help me because he’s a HUGE DC comics fan and knows everything. And of course, he was super chill about it, and he did. He really did. He’s the genius behind Egghead!!! And also the entire Mage-Humdrum-Supercomputer/Politics plot. I’m serious. I did none of that.

I can’t even say I’m trying anymore. “Flort”??? I AM LITERALLY NOT TRYING.

Why yes sconey, so very specific. 😂 

This is what qualifies as a “good” outline for me, that heading was just for my betas. Isn’t it fabulous to see that some of this actually made it in and I’m capable of planning in advance? 😂 

Get ready for the shock of your life, though -- I actually have a SUUUUPER detailed outline for the two finale chapters. Because, well, it’s the finale. Wrapping up loose ends does actually require planning, WHO KNEW. Also I’d been writing and posting for a couple months at this point and it had been several more weeks in quarantine so maybe I’d regained some sense of reality? It’s like two pages but still shittily written, so I’ll just share a couple tidibits.

That bullet point is extraordinarily cracky BUT actually, Baz shooting up from the cloud like an awesome fucking hot dramatic person was one of the very first scenes I envisioned for this fic :D 

I hope you enjoyed this glimpse into my writing brain! It’s a terrifying place. I love all of you that say Holding Out For a Hero is a well-crafted masterpiece, but respectfully, no ❤️ 

(Though I swear I AM super, super happy with how it turned out - it’s still my favorite thing I’ve ever written. Read it here!!!)

[alotsgonnachange]

Mystic Messenger Saeran’s AE Thoughts (.......And Prayers..) #Spoilerz

Hello, I just finished Saeran’s after ending and I have a lot of things to say and I am going to write it down while I'm still all keyed up about it.

First of all… Please DO NOT ask me how much money I spent to finish this as fast as I did…. I’m grown but my bank account is certainly going to have a good ole fashioned CHUCKLE at this….. It’s been a long quarantine I deserve a lil happiness as a treat methinks!

I have been playing this absolutely insane game since I think 2016? When I first started playing the deep routes had JUST come out I think? And I was just finishing up high school and am now a college grad...lmao

I’ve played all routes at least once except Jaehee but i’ve seen walkthroughs of her route (I’ve heard it makes you hate Jumin and he’s my favorite so um. hehe). V’s and Saeran’s routes I found to be so emotionally intense and just….a lot and I've been waiting a long ass god damn time for this after ending okay…. I would theorize and make up an ending in my head but i’m no writer so it was hard to figure out lol. I’m a Jumin stan mostly but I love everybody and yeah I should probably play that jumin dlc too but I need like a DAY to recover from Saeran’s AE. Enough about me HERE are my thoughts on it overall

Major Saeran AE Spoilers under da cut!

Can we please discuss V showing up to the C+R conference room with basically chloroform and made everybody Pass Out like??? I was alone in my room at like midnight just SCREAMING at my phone???? And the creepy ass CG ???? It’s like that gif of sarah paulson from ahs being like “I put arsenic in the wine….and the pasta”

Anyway I screamed at V a lot during this process!!

Loved RFA being sweet and kind to saeran (before V fucking drugged them…)

This is such common V behavior “I have to do it all myself...there’s no other way..” GIRL SHUT UPPP You do this every route....

SO many CG’s and I enjoy them a lot

Saeran’s sprite looks a little TOO crisp compared to everyone else but maybe its a glitch??? V next to him is in 480p while saeran is like 1080p

Hearing both Saeran and Saeyoung missing the other brother the whole time??? PAIN. All my homies know is PAIN

BOSS and his V for Vendetta ass guy fawkes mask??? I literally yelled “this game is TERRIBLE!!” several times at my phone

Their dad is so>??????? When he was sitting on the couch with saeyoung in that one CG while simultaneously telling him to kill himself?????????? Maybe chairman han is actually the best dad in this game somehow

When V and Rika were like we’re back together teehee teehee okay pack it up bonnie and clyde ..

When chairman han calls u and says hes jealous of u and saeran…..HUH????? I’m calling HR

When they go to the apartment and see boss and vanderwood and poor saeyoung is sitting there seeing his brother for the first time in years i wanted to D word sooooo bad like PAIN...PAIN….

Can we HAVE A DISCUSSION ABOUT JUMIN HAN BEING THE BEST CHARACTER IN THE GAME AND HE LOST EVERYTHING IN THIS AE……. he just took the blame and moved on jumin what the hell….. I love him so much r we serious? He watched his 2 closest friends betray him in the worst way and found out abt how Rika abused Saeyoung and Saeran???? I felt just AWFUL. Terrible ...Terrible….

Rika’s change in demeanor from Saeran's actual route is certainly a Choice. I find her much more bearable this time around and unfortunately i think I was too nice to her and ended up with a bad end LMFAO

I was happy to see Saeran stand up for himself and become stronger and confident. You go king!

The CG of Yoosung laying in Zen’s lap is everything to me…

HOWEVER YUP I sure did get a bad ending and I was so mad fdsafdskfdhsf ! (I would be happy to clarify how I got the good one the second time.) MAKE SURE To SAVE EARLY in days 2 and 3 bc the branches on day 4 is where the bad end will show up. For me it was the first day 4 chat and then a story mode titled “SAVIOR”.... If you see that RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

I was so mad! But I had saved in day 2 and replayed and MANAGED to get good end

I’m obsessed with everyone calling V and Rika “that psychotic couple” like…..its true its true…

No those two are so toxic… V’s route was torture watching them go on and on about the sun like yo can yall just call each other babe like normal people.

I respect straight people but not V and RIka that shit was just wrong… Straight marriage was a mistake

Oh lord i also FULLY Forgot Rika killed the twins’ mother…. Yeah that scene was um Certainly a lot but it needed to happen eventually

Like it’s good they know but damn that storyline is just so bleak

I think it was satisfying TO A DEGREE….To see Rika understand where she was wrong, why she was wrong, fess up and even APOLOGIZE! I was very surprised.

Saeran and Saeyoung are Certainly twins with the amount that those two self sacrifice in every route MY GOD…..

The scene with Jumin talking to his father and the other scene of him praying oh my god I cannot tell you how happy I was to see him begin to understand and address his own feelings in a route that was not his own. My main problem with Jumin’s route has always been the trapping MC in his penthouse aspect.. This way Jumin understands love and emotions without being overly possessive !!! YAY also loved seeing him be on good terms with his dad who was surprisingly profound

That last Story mode was Really a Lot…. and Strange things occurred which I will get into in just a minute

Jumin becoming a politician is so funny but ngl … i see it.

Yoosung going to france to study pastries ok king I see u! (it made more sense to me than the vet thing anyway)

Lastly Zen FURRY ERA

MY BEEF With the AE

I was happy with how they handled it for the most part. I think Cheritz heard our feedback about V’s after ending and was like okay….let’s try something different

HOWEVER

Saeran…. Sweet kind saeran… IS SO AFFECTIONATE HAHA….

He must have said I love you like 300 times…..very mushy gushy flowery language...and maybe that’s just his personality but for me it was like eating cake with buttercream cake. It means well, but god damn is it sugary and going to cause a stomach ache later.

He was just… SO MUCH! SO forward and ON all the time in his affections. I honestly felt kind of smothered and by day 3 and 4 I was sooooo over all the compliments… King you’ve come a very long way, but ur still putting MC on a pedestal and probably need to see a therapist.

Nextly….Rika and V….. Naw that knock out gas really ...that hurt lol. Coming from “I would do anything to protect RFA” V? Idk like…. EYE felt betrayed reading that. It was just hurtful. I can’t even imagine how the members would have felt as they were passing out. It was just so cruel. I suppose I understand why but like?? Just TERRIBLE

Them being in cahoots with the agency and the prime minister..HUH??? Also too much

V just felt so irresponsible like I do understand that he ended up in a weird web of secrets that’s hard to untangle but he’s so fucking stubborn he’s SO stubborn it makes me insane. Like sir… It seems like in other routes he wanted to try to protect Rika and the RFA.. But in this AE it seems more to me that he was like yeah i’m protecting Rika and That’s It… so fucking hurtful to me. Both of y’all apologize ESPECIALLY to the twins and Jumin..

The forgiveness thing…… Okay so I think some people will not like that Saeran decided to “forgive” the people who hurt him (Rika, V, Saejoong, his mother). I would point out that I actually think this was approached somewhat well. He says at one point that he doesn’t think they’re good or bad, just people. I think he sounded mature and like this was the way for him personally to accomplish his healing process. Would I have loved for Saeran to flip V and Rika off and kick Saejoong off a cliff? Yea I really would. But like…. If that’s what HE needs to do to heal then who am I to judge?

HOWEVER…. Everything Eye just said goes out the window when the scenes at the end with Saejoong come up… I was PERPLEXED. Like why did he HUG his deranged father who just kicked the shit out of him??? Also all the chat options that MC has with him r like blah blah you’re like this because no one loves you were so corny to me LMFAOOOO?

AND WHEN HE WAS IN THE ROOM LATER WITH SAERAN… i’m sorry but if that were me I would have called a nurse to deck his ass. Cool he turned himself in YOU SUCK SOOOO BAD AND I NEVER WANT YOU TO COME NEAR SAEYOUNG AND SAERAN AGAIN THANKS.

*scratches ass* I wish I got to see saeyoung and saeran finally sit down and have that first conversation after a long time and hug CG but the ending was fine I GUESS….. I dont care about ROMANCE I want those boys to be happy brothers together

Anyway that was really emotionally exhausting but I fr think I got it out of my system after literal years… And I can rest in peace knowing the choi twins are happy. THATS ALL I WANTED TO KNOW!!!!

#Saeran Choi #Saeran AE #Saeran after ending #Saeran AE spoilers #Mystic messenger #Mysme #Saeran after ending spoilers #mystic messenger spoilers

[vaguely-concerned]

Any tips for a TF POV fic? I want to write one because I too went through a time in my life when I let feelings bounce off cuz that was easier, but I feel like that's not quite on point for him 🤔

God I have SO MANY THOUGHTS about this and they’re all so wordless and frustratingly evasive to me yet (I am in the process of writing a looooooong T.F. POV fic and it gives me much more trouble than Graves POV, probably because as a person I’m quite a lot more like the T.F. Type in real life lol). But yes, here we go, let me try to express some of what I personally try to have as my hm ‘anchor points’ for his perspective. (Heavy disclaimer that these are just my personal & disorganized little musings and by no means the only or ‘correct’ way to read the character!)

- First of all I agree, the image of ‘bouncing off’ doesn’t feel quiteright -- it’s in the right neighbourhood but the wrong address sort of thing, but it’s really hard to come up with a way to explain how I feel the nuance here.

*insert three hours later spongebob meme here* Okay, so the metaphor I came up with is: T.F.’s relationship to emotions is a direct parallel to his relationship to water/the ocean: it’s scary down there, it’s dark, it’s dangerous, and if he should ever be dumb enough to try to go in too deep it’ll kill him dead because boy oh boy on so many levels this man just did not learn how to swim. As far as he’s concerned any sensible person would simply bob along on the surface in a sturdily built boat and try not to think too much about the weird shit that lives down there in the depths. (In this metaphor the layer of artifice and performance so habitual it’s basically integrated into the fabric of his soul is the boat. Y’know, the part that’s Twisted Fate and not just plain ol’ Tobias. I’ll hasten to add that I think both parts of his identity are equally ‘real’ and equally him, but the Twisted Fate part is like… protecting the Tobias part. Keeping him from drowning, as it were. I’m not sure he’d think of it like that himself for the longest time, though, I suspect he has more of a ‘that man is dead’ attitude towards the Tobias part after Graves is gone)

I think what I’m trying to get at is the idea that to him, raw emotion is as hostile and unknowable and unnavigable an ‘environment’ as the deep ocean. (And the only time we see him willingly go there, physically and otherwise, is for Graves, so you know let’s jot that down first of all lol.)

- He seems to genuinely quite like and be interested in people – how they think, what moves and motivates them, their secrets and foibles. So I tend to try to keep the uh ‘detail work’ in his POV focused in that direction. Priority going like 1) people 2) people’s valuables 3) the relative availability of people’s valuables at this moment if you have clever hands and a very charming smile haha

- One of my favourite things about T.F. is that he seems, I don’t know… quite genuinely good-natured beneath it all? If you back him into a corner some sharp and dangerous things peek out (he has survived in his line of heh ‘business’ for like thirty years, and a lot of it on his own), but for the most part and when unthreatened he has a sort of mildly amused and intrigued live-and-let-live attitude to the world even as he’s conning it that I find deeply charming. Which to me ties in with:

- T.F.’s first instinctive reaction to danger (perceived or real) the majority of the time seems to be ‘Flight’. Confrontation and violence are basically his ‘when literally everything else has failed’ options. (As seen prominently in Burning Tides, where he just keeps running and running and the only time he actually starts throwing punches is when he has to because Graves is in immediate danger and they’re backed into a corner. Which feels like it means something huh lol, I often think about what could actually make T.F. angry enough that he would openly express it and that seems to be the most likely angle for it in my eyes.)

- My take on one of the fundamental differences between Graves and T.F. is that Graves has A LOT of feelings but doesn’t quite know it (or more like can’t quite conceptualize it I should say) – he has a hard time identifying or finding vocabulary for feelings that aren’t some shade of anger. Meanwhile T.F. KNOWS he has feelings, he just doesn’t like it, ardently wishes he didn’t, and will do pretty much anything to run away and not have to engage with them haha.

Another important difference: when brought out of equilibrium Graves gets angry, and T.F. gets scared. I have the feeling that beneath it all he’s scared a lot, and it’s why his persona is so oriented towards gaining control in ways where people don’t realize it enough to even think try to take that control away from him until he’s already long gone. Misdirection as a way of life babEY

- This might be too deep in the ‘my WIP/process specific’ territory to really count as general analysis, but I think it’s there in canon too – there’s almost a feeling that he implicitly feels like he has to make up for some fundamental flaw or lack he has at the core? (Not a weird thing for him to end up feeling, considering what happened to him as a kid.) All the rest of him, all the cleverness and style and charm, is there to ‘make up’ for how at the end of the day he’s… wrong somehow. As Graves, who knows him better than anyone, focuses right in on, a coward. And that is CERTAINLY not the whole truth and even Graves in a full rage relents when he sees the effect the accusation has on him and once he gets the actual facts of what happened. But I think that sense of deep unworthiness is what’s stuck with him emotionally. His people left him because there’s something fundamentally lacking and immoral about him. He lost Graves because he’s not good enough, because he’s a coward who leaves people behind. He deserves to be alone. Mix in a ton of survivor’s guilt to taste, and I think you have the like… core emotional wound he’s constructed around.

There’s also something here about fear of profound powerlessness specifically in situations where words, generally his strongest card that’s not a literal card (har har har oh we do have fun here), simply don’t work right at the moment when he needs them to the most – he tried to beg for his people not to leave him behind, he tried to convince Graves to get the hell out with the rest of the crew… and it didn’t work. (In Burning Tides you see he’s given up even trying to explain himself, he just wants Out in whatever way leaves both him and Graves tolerably in one piece, even if he won’t be understood or heard or less alone afterwards. It takes him until like half way through the entire chase to even THINK about just telling Graves the truth. In all fairness to T.F. it probably wouldn’t have worked at that moment, but it does vaguely crack me up that he didn’t even consider it until all of Bilgewater harbor was already burning merrily behind them fhsajkfa)

- He has a little bit of a (perfectly justified considering his background honestly) chip on his shoulder, especially when it comes to powerful or arrogant people. There seems to be a special satisfaction in outsmarting and robbing specifically rich assholes (which would also be the people who have the most to steal, so y’know good times all round). From his short stories and few places in his bio you almost get the feeling that he has a funny sort of Robin Hood-esque sense of lopsided justice about it. (Robin Hood-esque only so far as to define ‘the poor’ as the eternally hard-strapped ‘T.F. & Graves Waistcoats and Cigars Fund’, of course lol)

I think T.F. both has a mind that tends more towards analyzing the big picture and also has more direct experience with like… structural/systemic powerlessness and oppression. So the cons they pull are probably partly how he channels the emotions that arise out of that (and the rest he just represses, like the relatable guy he is haha)

- Graves being back would cause some IMMENSE internal conflict in him, I feel – of course all the feelings of relief and attachment and love, but also… so much of who he is now came about specifically to find a way to deal with Graves being gone, with seemingly just shutting down the entirety of his need for real human companionship or closeness for like a decade, things that are suddenly starting to be brought online again and must be tremendously stressful to deal with when you’ve had it completely suppressed and deadened for so long. He’s put so much into trying to be fundamentally unattached to anything, anywhere, anyone (and there are some things here about perpetually being an outsider his whole life that I can’t quite put into words, but that’s a dimension too.) That sort of psychological self defense mechanism doesn’t just contentedly nod its head and go away just because something good happened one time haha. Probably a work in progress there huh (at least he’s not alone in it now <3)

PLUS some bonus Graves POV observations because man. I love writing him, he’s just a marvel of a man

- I know I call him a dumbass all the time, but in a street smart way I think he’s actually quite clever haha, he just has a bad tendency to get hung up on an idea and get tunnel sight. (I’ve based this a lot on the short stories but see also more recently his Sentinel skin voice lines for good examples: he’s incredibly straightforward in that ‘well obviously if it doesn’t affect me personally I ain’t gonna give it that much thought’ way, but you also have glimpses of surprising insight/shrewdness and… I don’t quite know how to put it, but something like an ability to get to the bottom line of something without getting caught up in the details. (I suspect T.F. does find himself lost in the details quite frequently, he’s much more attached to the decorative curlicues of the world.) Graves clearly & frequently has no idea what’s going on, but he strips things down to the essentials very quick: Lucian’s story as a direct thematic mirror to Viego’s, Is There A Sun Lady – Oh, I See, all of this is weird and creepy and needs shooting, and maybe most crucial of all: Isolde doesn’t want to be with her husband anymore so what he’s doing is just like. Extra shitty. He gets what he needs to get and then just barges ahead heedlessly with that. Icon.)

- He’s actually pretty darn eloquent in a gruff sort of way and uses some quite sophisticated vocabulary! And the way this is contrasted with the tendency to slip into blunter coarser language just as readily -- like when he takes the time to describe the monster that takes down the Prince’s ship in such poetic terms as ‘gargantuan’ and ‘the behemoth’s immense, distended jaw’ and it having ‘pallid dead eyes the size of the moon’, and meanwhile during his swim at the beginning of the story we get bastard cold and bastard dark and full of bastard jellyfish and crabs – brings me such immense and unending delight

- He’s more eloquent in his internal voice than he is when speaking (especially noticeable in Destiny and Fate; he does have a tendency to fumble his words when talking lol), and he gets quite easily lost in his own meandering reflective musings in a way I find incredibly endearing. I’d almost call it whimsical at times, honestly, hilarious as that is? Like when he’s literally so absorbed in a line of thought he forgets which way they’re rowing and T.F. has to remind him. (I think T.F. generally has more of a grip of what’s going on around them than Graves does lol)

- There’s an important distinction to be made that Graves actually does, by and large, read T.F: very closely and seemingly also pretty damn accurately. He’s good at (and clearly very interested in) reading his moods, spotting what tactics he’s using interpersonally, when he’s being genuine and when he’s being dissembling.

What Graves is actually bad at is understanding his own emotions, and to not bleed those emotions into other people’s motivations and behavior, especially when he’s upset or in heightened states of feeling, like he is all the way through Burning Tides. He can only name his own feelings in a vocabulary of anger, when it’s pretty clear from the subtext that there’s a whole bunch of other stuff going on there, and he has incredible trouble divorcing those feelings from what other people’s got going on with them right then. He feels hurt, betrayed, and undone by everything that’s happened to him, so the intention to hurt, betray and undo must live in the other person who he feels caused it. In less drastic cases you see him do this a bit when he feels like T.F. is being evasive with him – taking it as a form of rejection rather than realizing T.F. is just lost in his own thoughts, sort of thing. There’s a real improvement in this one between Burning Tides and Destiny and Fate, though, so maybe he’ll have an easier time of it with some time and practice.

Sorry it took so long to get back to you on this and that it’s a bit of a rambling mess, words have been real hard recently. Or rather I have too many words, all the time, left and right, I just can’t put them into the right orders to make any sense hahaha, I hope there’s some useful point in this somewhere for you at least!

#hopefully this makes some kind of sense my brain is in... a state but it was actually really nice to just focus on some character analysis! #tf x graves #league of legends #twisted fate

[purplecroissant2]

A Post-Hardeen One-Shot

I found this in my drafts today, and I liked my own writing more than I probably should have. Lol, it was meant to be quite a bit longer, but works so well as a scene that I can’t help but post it. Let’s see... established relationship!Obikin, they’re on a mission during the Clone Wars just a little bit after the snafu on Naboo, blah blah blah.

“I’m not trying to hurt you,” Anakin says.

“You haven’t looked me in the eye since we boarded the ship two weeks ago, Anakin. If you’re still angry, release it into the Force. We have a job to do,” Obi-Wan shoots back. He pushes forward into Anakin’s space, and Anakin backs into the wall to keep him away.

“I’m not angry!” Anakin hisses back. He doesn’t want to yell anymore, though he certainly did not long ago. When he’d first found out about the deception, he’d wanted to rend everything to pieces, tear at his own hair and face—tear at Obi-Wan’s false face—until nothing remained. He felt trapped, over-stimulated and burdened with things he couldn’t express. Not there in front of the Council and the Nabooian leadership. Not to Obi-Wan. Not to himself. He’d said things he didn’t mean, blamed people he shouldn’t have, and he isn’t sure how to move forward now. “I’m not angry. I’m not. I don’t know how to make you understand, I— I never thought I’d see you again.”

Obi-Wan sucks in a harsh breath, as if shocked. Is it so surprising that Anakin would miss him? Would feel grief and loss? He searches for the words again, “I— I don’t know how to look at you. You died in my arms. You’re a ghost, I grieved you, Master.”

“I— “ Obi-Wan pauses for a moment. He looks as broken open as he ever has been, honest in his surprise. Then his face shutters again, and Anakin wonders if the disappointment that runs through him is directed at Obi-Wan’s repression or his own hopes. “The mission— It was for the greater good. To save the life of the Chancellor of the Republic, your friend, our political leader. It was the only way.”

“That’s not what I’m saying!” Anakin rages, “That’s— everyone’s said that to me already. If you think I’m so horrible of a Jedi that I don’t get it, then I don’t know why the Council knighted me at all. I know about the greater good. I know what the Chancellor means to the Republic, to the war effort. I know what he means to me personally, for kriff’s sake!” He’s shaking, the tremor in his heaving chest so severe that his mechanical arm trembles. It’s hard to speak through the lump in his throat and the burn in his eyes, but he will get through this.

“It’s—“ He’s been thinking about this non-stop, since his anger cooled and was replaced with an empty hopelessness he couldn’t release or repress. Since he boarded this stupid fucking ship with Master to keep fighting the war like nothing had happened. “I still lost you. I don’t know how to make you understand that. You died and I was supposed to accept that?”

“We’re in the middle of a war, Anakin!” Obi-Wan’s voice is tight and getting louder. He presses forward into Anakin’s space again. They’re face to face, nose to nose. Anakin doesn’t want to look, but he has no where to run. He stares directly into Obi-Wan’s blue, blue eyes, bright with anger. “Yes, you’re supposed to accept that. Your grief is— is— It’s pathological. It’s extreme. It’s attachment.”

“Ten rotations!” Anakin yells back, now that the gauntlet’s been dropped and they’re fighting anyway. “You were gone for ten rotations. Pathological? You raised me, Master. I loved you. Ten rotations to get over the death of my partner? My best friend? Some Jedi lose their padawans and disappear into meditation for years!”

He shoves at Obi-Wan’s shoulder to get away from the wall, get some space. He’s a little surprised that it’s so easy to blow past him. His master could do a stunning impression of a brick wall when he felt the urge. Obi-Wan might mutter something as he slips by, but it’s barely audible. Anakin continues, “And then you were back. And everything was fine. And I don’t know how they did it—Ahsoka, and Quinlan, and Aayla—I don’t know how they can look at you, and not still feel it. Feel like you’re missing.”

Obi-Wan stares at him blankly. He’s mouthing something, some word, but Anakin sees red. There’s a rushing in his ears and his words won’t stop running, and running and, “And it’s worse, because you used me specifically. You said it, that my grief was what would sell it to Dooku, that you were really dead. I— I— It felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I was alone. I felt like I was dying, Master, I— You died, and I was alone, and it was like I was dying too, and you wanted that to happen. You wanted me to feel like that, and I don’t know how to look at you, and not hate you for that.”

“Anakin—“ Obi-Wan starts. He’s stretching out a hand, to try and stop him, try and say something, but Anakin’s not finished. “I know there’s a war. I know I’m a General, that I have responsibilities, but this is cruel. It’s cruel to make me look at you. It’s cruel to make me feel this way. I’m not ready. I was dealing with it, but now I can’t and I don’t—“

“Anakin! Anakin, please, will you just—“ Obi-Wan sniffs hard, and suddenly Anakin realizes that his master is crying. Hard. He’s shaking just as much as Anakin is, and it sends another bolt of painful emotion through him. “Loved?”

“What?”

“You loved me. Past tense. I—“ Obi-Wan brings a hand to scrub at his eyes. “Will you just, please take my hand?”

Anakin looks down. In the chasm between them is Obi-Wan’s outstretched hand. It’s shaking, just a little. He wonders what it will cost to close the gap. What it will do to him to reach out with his left hand, and touch, skin to skin, for the first time since Obi-Wan’s death.

It feels a lot like relief. The first brush of his fingers is almost profound, for all that it doesn’t feel like anything at all. He cups their palms together and the warmth of Obi-Wan’s hand, the beat of his pulse, feels like confirmation. His master is alive. It wasn’t real before, but it is now. The emotion burns in the hollow of his palm and buzzes in his fingers.

He looks up and he is not alone. Obi-Wan looks exhausted, the droop of his shoulders and the sag at the corners of his mouth enough to make that clear. Tears are still dripping down his cheeks, but this feels like the eye of the storm.

“I’m sorry,” Obi-Wan says finally, “I don’t think I’ve said it at all, actually, but I hope you know that I am. I am so incredibly sorry.” It hits like absolution, like bacta on a ‘saber burn, and the relief is so overwhelming that he squeezes Obi-Wan’s fingers tight. “I knew it would hurt you. I did it anyway. I won’t make excuses, I thought it was the right thing, the only thing, but I caused you harm, dear one.

“I love you, dear one. I don’t want to hurt you. I— We’re Jedi Knights, not military leaders and certainly not spies. We don’t fake our deaths and pull clandestine missions. How could I have expected you to be okay with this? I couldn’t have survived the same myself.”

“You couldn’t?” Anakin asks.

Obi-Wan smiles ruefully, guiltily. “Truthfully, I don’t believe I’d ever have to. I think you’re invincible, irrationally enough. The things you do—the stunts you pull—I don’t know if there’s a force in this galaxy that could bring you down.

“I love you.” Obi-Wan repeats. “I am sorry. You’re under no obligation to forgive me, to love me again. I wanted us to go back to normal. I pushed for you to join me on this supply run. I thought I could— I don’t even know. Convince you you were being irrational? It was selfish.”

“I do still love you,” Anakin cuts in. That’s important, in the aftermath, to say—for Obi-Wan to know. “I didn’t stop. I could never stop.

“I don’t think I said it either, but I’m glad you’re okay. I’m so kriffin’ happy you’re okay.” He wants to hold on, drag this moment on forever and ever, but Obi-Wan’s eyes are so, so blue, and suddenly he’s hard to look at again.

“I— Give me some time? Please? I— I’ll see you at the bridge for the briefing, okay, I’ll see you soon.”

Obi-Wan squeezes his hand, then lets go. “Okay, however long you need.”

#obikin #writing #should i tag something else in this? #canonical not-actually-dead character death???

[thinking-in-symbols]

Quinquennial Life Assessment

So, it’s been a few years.  When I was 19 I posted a sort of “roadmap” for the evolution of my life on this blog.  Today I thought I’d revisit that.  I want to take a look back and see what progress I’ve made, and then in a separate post I want to turn to the future, think about how my vision for it has changed, and consider how I can reincorporate these goals into that vision.

This is the list of things I wanted to get done in varying time frames.  I’ve crossed off the things I’ve done to get a sense of my progress:

1 year:

At 19, my hopes were to accomplish the following things by age 20:

- Joined, and consistently participated in, at least 2 campus organizations that suit my interests, at least 1 of which should be competitive in nature - well, I joined the ISO and KVRX, my college radio station!  Neither of those were competitive, but in retrospect I don’t really care about that :-)

- Made concrete plans to study abroad - Nope, unfortunately I never did this.  I’m not quite sure I regret that, all things considered - I traded that experience for other things.  I did make plans to spend a few months abroad of my own accord, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling global pandemic.  But as it stands I haven’t done this.

- Learned C++ and python to proficiency - Hm.  “Proficient” is a relative term.  But I think I have a tendency to downplay my skills, so in the interest of counteracting that I’m going to count myself as “proficient” in these languages.  I think that’s fair.

- Gone on at least a several day road trip with at least 1 friend - I’ve gone on several trips with @meeshbug​, my very lovely girlfriend and best friend in the world :-)

- Decided on a concentration beyond the extremely vague umbrella of “computer science” - Unfortunately as far as my education is concerned I never really did this.  If anything my interests have *broadened* rather than becoming more focused.  More on this later...

- Made meaningful, ongoing contributions to an open-source project - You know what?  I’ve published the source of everything I’ve ever made, and I’ve gotten to the point where I can make stuff that’s not trivial.  So I’m giving myself credit for this one.

- Learned to cook enough meals to eat in most days and not get sick of my own food - I wish.  I’ve learned to cook a fair amount of stuff but I still get way too depressed and lethargic to apply that consistently.  Whether I consider myself to have achieved this honestly depends on the month.

- Learned to keep my living area clean - I’m much better at this than I was at 19, but at 19 I could barely clear a path to walk across my room.  So there’s more work to do.  More on these last two later.

- Gotten a pet - Meesh and I have a dog named Courage (after the dog of cowardly fame) and a cat named Jax!

2 years:

- Independently written a piece of software to completion and deployed it publicly - I’ve always pretty bad at actually seeing projects through to completion, but I do have a few full, independent projects under my belt at this point.  I’ve built a simple game engine, a pathtracer, plugins for games I like, and some other stuff.

- purchased and begun regularly using some basic amateur radio equipment - Ah man.  I got my license but I still haven’t gotten any equipment.  I guess I have to get on that...

- purchased and begun experimenting with some basic music recording equipment - This one I’ve done, but I haven’t done as much experimenting as I’d like.

- hosted a party - I did this for my 21st birthday and it’s one of my favorite memories!  Honestly this was probably the last time I had all my really close friends in one place.  I’m actually getting kind of emotional about that.

- done some kind of hallucinogen - I have now done this.  I definitely did get something out of it, albeit not what I expected.  This is something I actually only did pretty recently and it’s still having a pretty profound effect.  Maybe I’ll write a separate post about this.

- Gone camping with friends - Despite my best efforts, this hasn’t happened yet.  Pretty fucked up.

3 years:

- learned to play another instrument besides the piano (guitar?) - I don’t feel comfortable crossing this one off quite yet, but I went ahead and bought myself some guitar equipment and have been messing around with it lately :-) I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and pay for lessons if I’m serious about this, which I am.

- Written and recorded a song - Damn, I can’t believe it’s been 5 years and I haven’t even done this.

- Met a group of people I can play music with - nope

- Owned a leather jacket.  I can’t believe I’ve still never even owned a leather jacket - I’ve done this and wore it frankly too much.  Kinda cringe.

- Worked as a professional software developer - Yep!  Worked as a software developer for a retail company for a couple years.  I’m actually not working as a software developer right now, though; I’m working in a sort of adjacent position.  More on this later.

- Participated in research related to my field - That’s pretty ambitious.  Not sure I’ll ever do this, unfortunately.  But we’ll see.

- Been to a film festival - Oh shit, I totally forgot about having written this.  That’s a cool idea.  I should do this, it’s not like it’s hard (well, at least in principle.  I guess covid kind of changes the situation).

- Gotten a dog - Courage is one of those, I think, although he might also be part rat.

- collected 50 records - Lol, my dumb ass really thought I was going to buy $1,000 worth of records on college money.  No, I haven’t done this, but I’m on my way there.

- Purchased a desktop computer - Well, my dad gave me his old desktop.  That’s not really a purchase but I think it counts.

5 years:

- Begun accepting freelance development gigs - haven’t gotten here yet and I’m not totally sure this is a direction I want to go in my career.  Freelancing has its own stressors as I’ve come to learn from others.  No career path is sunshine and roses and I’m trying to internalize this fact.

- Participated in a student film - Nope.  I don’t even know why I wrote this down to be honest.

- Gotten laid by solving a 5x5 Rubik’s Cube in front of a girl because surely that’s gonna have to work on someone eventually, otherwise I wasted a lot of time - These are getting weird.  Surely I didn’t really expect this to happen, right?  Well, either way I now have a long-term girlfriend, so I don’t - wait, Meesh has seen me solve a Rubik’s cube and she saw it before we started dating.  So actually I’m going to give myself credit for it.  I’m the one who makes the rules here.

- Fleshed out my political opinions - Yes, I now know everything about politics and can answer 100% of questions on political issues.  Just kidding.  But I know where I stand.

- Participated in a protest or some other kind of political event - Done!  Went to a few protests as part of the ISO, participated in lots of their events, and attended some protests with friends as well.

- Studied abroad - Nope :-/

- Learned a language other than Spanish - I took a semester of French!  But I don’t quite want to give myself credit for this one because I really would like to learn a different language to something resembling fluency.

- Run a marathon - Lmao.  I am in much worse shape now than I was when I wrote this post, and even at that time I could probably do like 7 miles if I really pushed myself.  How sad.

- Gone hiking outside of texas - This is weird because I’d literally already done this when I wrote this post.  But I’ve done it more since then, so hey!

- Been out of the country with a friend - This I had also already done.  I guess the point is to have done it without “adult supervision” or whatever.  I haven’t done this since writing this list so I guess I have to leave it uncrossed.

10 years:

- Lived with a girl for an extended period of time - Meesh 🥰

- Spent at least 6 months living on the road in an RV, preferably with a dog and a girl - God, I am so close to being able to do this.  I don’t want it to be an RV anymore - those things are expensive.  But a van?  Still pricey, but doable, especially if I’m willing to sacrifice some comfort.  This has actually been front-of-mind for a while.  I’ll let you know when I get the balls to pull the trigger.

- Started making Real Money - Well, yep, I have gotten to that point.  I do have other thoughts on this, though.  Money is weird, man.

- Lived in a long-term living space outside of Texas (i.e. not including RV time) - How long is long-term?  Three months?  If so, I’ve done this by living in Boston with Meesh for a few months after she went there for law school.  However, I anticipate staying there much longer in the near future, so I’ll wait on this crossing this one off.

- Written a book about something, idk - Not yet.  I’m halfway to the deadline on this one and I have some ideas, but ideas aren’t worth all that much, especially to me, who rarely sees them through.  We’ll see where this goes.  It’s not exactly a priority and historically I struggle to get even my priorities done.  It might make more sense to replace this with recording a concept or narrative album, for which I also have ideas that I happen to take more seriously.

- Learned to solve a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Gotten laid by solving a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Lived in an apartment where I pay all the rent - Yes!  :-))) We love independence

- Earned an advanced degree (this one’s iffy) - This hasn’t happened, and whether it will ever happen is something I’ve been thinking a lot about.  I sort of decided half-way through college that I would be totally burned out on school by the time I graduated.  But in retrospect it takes way less time to burn out on work than it does to burn out on school, and grad degrees are a different kind of thing.  So it’s worth revisiting.’

- Given a best man speech (Sam, this means you have to get married within the next 10 years.  Good luck out there.) - Holy shit, Sam, you maniac, you actually did it!  Sam got married back in 2019 and I gave his best man speech! It’s another one of my favorite memories :-) 

- Gone on a cruise with someone I’m dating - Hmm, not yet.  I’ve gone on cool trips, but none on a boat.  Maybe that’s something to aim for after the pandemic passes :-)

Retrospective:

1yr: Completed: 5/9

More than half isn’t bad!  I’m not gonna worry too much about whether I got these things done within their assigned “time-frame”.  I’m a procrastinator in my heart and I don’t see any reason to put that kind of pressure on myself.  The point is, they got done.  That’s enough for me.

The things I did best in in this category were academic things, and things to do with relationships.  I’m proud of the academic achievements, I really feel like doing them has increased my belief in myself and my sense that I’m good at the thing I’ve spent the last four years studying.  And of course, I am so happy to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship that brings so many good things into my life.  I almost feel like the things I accomplished sort of fell into my lap - of course I’m gonna do programming stuff as a programming student, and getting pets / going on road trips are things I did as a result of my relationship with Meesh.  I don’t say that to downplay the accomplishments, but I do think it’s worth noting.

The things I haven’t done are more to do with personal development, which is disappointing.  I would like to be able to say, 5 years down the road, that I’ve done the personal development I expected to do in just a single year, but maybe that’s a lot to expect.  These are problems I’ve dealt with my whole life.  I think what this means is that I can’t expect everything to fall into my lap.  Those things are going to take real concerted effort to change.  I’m not quite sure how to go about that, though.

2yrs: Completed: 4/6

Two-thirds!  Even better!

Lots of these are one-time accomplishments, not so much long-term commitments to personal development.  The good news is, I did them, and I think those resulted in some development in their own right :-)

Again, though, the things I didn’t do so well are the things that require long-term, concerted effort.  For instance, while I crossed off the one about experimenting with music, it’s really only the initial investment that I’ve really done at this point.  It remains to be seen whether I’ll be able to follow through on the commitment to actually experiment and learn.

3yrs: Completed: 4/10

This category also follows the same pattern I’ve noticed with the last two.  The other thing I’m noticing is that so, so much of my effort over the past few years has been going towards developing a very particular skill: programming / computer science.  Music and art are so important to me, but I’ve done very little real development in those areas.  I mean, I’ve done some.  But not as much as I would have hoped for half a decade.

5yrs: Completed: 4/10

This is getting a little more fun because less of my goals have to do explicitly with my degree.  I’m starting to think beyond college, which is good, because the stage of life I’m in right now requires me to start thinking about the kind of life I want to build now that I’m done with school.  Also, I’m at the deadline for this one right now!  So this is a particularly interesting category because it really shows where I thought I’d be by this time.

The goals I accomplished in this timeframe are, again, mostly things I’ve done through my relationship, but politics also feature pretty prominently on this part of the list.  I spent a lot of time reading and researching political issues during college and really did look for ways to participate.  I honestly made politics a pretty big part of my identity over the last 5 years, and I think it will stay that way forever, but I’ve gotten to the point where I think I need to devote less of my mental energy to knowing more.  I know what I need to know.  It’s time to think about other things.

10yrs: Completed: 4/11 (and counting!)

There’s some career stuff in this section that I’ve been able to do, which is good news.  I’ve always been scared about entering the working world.  All things told, it’s gone more smoothly than it could have.  But I also have lots of lingering doubts about what I want to do in the long term.  So one of the most pressing goals I should aim for is to resolve those doubts.

Ultimately, I have a lot of time left, and I’m not even done with this time frame, so I’m not gonna spend much time dissecting the things I haven’t done.  What I’ll do instead is say that while I didn’t do everything on this list, I feel proud of the things I have accomplished.  I said when I first wrote this list that it’s sometimes hard for me to feel that my life is moving in any particular direction, and I’m still feeling like that five years later, to be honest.  But looking back on these things has helped me see that I actually am making progress in my life.  Not in all the ways I want to, but that’s OK.  There’s still time.

In the next couple days I want to come back to this and reorganize this list into an updated set of goals, for the same time frames.  Maybe that will help me think through exactly what it is I want out of the next five-ten years, with the benefit of having analyzed the things that I did and didn’t do well over the previous five.

[milkbreadtoast]

Hey so! I’ve been wanting to share one of my Kurama(yu yu hakusho) headcanons for a while, but have been too lazy(and scared) to put it into words and share it w/ my followers ahah. But i’m finally gonna share it..! This is one of my headcanons that’s most crucial to how I interpret his character... and I want to preface this with saying that everyone has a different interpretation of a character, and that’s ok; u don’t have to agree. Interpretations can feel very personal sometimes...this one means a lot to me personally haha. Anyway, here goes: (BIG SPOILER WARNING!!!)

Basically... I think the current Kurama, “Shuichi” Kurama with the red hair, is LITERALLY a different person than he was in the past, due to the unique way he escaped death by merging with the unborn child of a human woman, and that his current personality makes a lot of sense if you think of him... as a fusion, in a sense... kinda like a Steven Universe fusion(not exactly, but hear me out)...

The present day Kurama is shown to be a really different person than the legendary thief Yoko Kurama. This difference becomes starkly apparent when the Yoko Kurama of the past makes his appearances in the dark tournament, and he’s very sadistic, cruel... very different from the Kurama shown until then. 

Although the current Kurama has the same memories and consciousness, intelligence, etc. and is still fully “Kurama”, and a 1000+ year old demon, he also seems to act...like a normal teenage boy. He giggles, jokes around, cares a lot about his friends, and of course, loves his human mother... 

Hiei describes Kurama in an internal monologue in ep 47, and it’s very interesting...

Kurama also describes himself in this way, in the same ep:

Although not in the manga, Kurama also says this in ep 108:

When Kurama talks about how he’s changed since being reborn, and how he’s become a different person...  I think... it's more than just a change of heart. He's literally a different person, because his soul merged with that of the boy who would have been born as Minamino Shuichi.

And moreover, Kurama himself seems to be aware of this? in the way he describes himself...the whole “we’re merged,” “while I am Kurama, I am also Minamino Shuichi,” “no longer the same Kurama that I used to be”... And perhaps most convincingly, in this line he delivers in “Two Shots”: 

Specifically describing himself as having a “human side”, despite also explaining to Yusuke in his introduction that he is fully a demon, despite his human appearance. 

Given his wisdom and intelligence, retained from his past as Yoko Kurama, this--his self-identity--is surely something he’s thought hard about over the years, and this is the conclusion he’s come to... Even though he is classified as a demon, this is the way he describes himself... as a fusion of sorts, as being part “human”... (and Hiei’s description is mostly likely influenced from what Kurama has told him, along with his own understanding of Kurama). 

The current Kurama shows a profound duality, and it makes him such a fascinating character... in certain moments, he shows a coldness, a brutality, a willingness to take lives, and wisdom and intelligence that certainly goes far beyond his human years. Yet... stuff like how he giggles and jokes, and how he outsmarted Kaito by making a funny face... to me, this is something new... something unique to his current self...something the old Yoko Kurama wouldn’t do. 

The way Kurama acts in the present day...  the way he's 100% a demon, yet distinctly...human... makes so much sense if you think of him as being like a fusion?? When “he merged with the body of the human who would have been born as Minamino Shuichi”, I think their souls also merged. (edit: This also makes sense if you consider that in his severely wounded state, Yoko Kurama was essentially reduced to a bare soul, disembodied and dying--If this fusion between his dying spirit and this fresh, living human soul did not take place, he would not have survived. The unborn baby is not yet conscious, so Kurama’s concsiousness took over completely, but the fusion still occurred...)

Kurama is still Kurama-- but there’s something added, something more.  I think the human who would have been born as Shuichi would have been a very gentle person... so some of that got absorbed into Kurama's soul when they merged... and so his current, softer personality is not JUST a cruel demon who got touched by human kindness and had a change of heart... but a fusion of the original yoko’s personality, and the personality of the human boy he merged with. He did have a change of heart, but this was facilitated by him gaining... a new capacity for feelings? in a sense? due to this fusion. 

This interpretation I have of him... it makes me feel so much for him...b/c even tho he's...not the same person anymore, he still has the same memories and consciousness; he both is, and isn't, the same person.  I think it probably contributes to the guilt and self hatred he feels on some level, which is evident in what he tells Yusuke in the beginning...

It’s true that he said he tried many times to leave throughout his life, to return to his previous life in the demon realm, but it’s also true that he was never able to. His mother’s smile, her sacrifice for him, her genuine warmth and love for him... it moved him, and he decided to stay, and to protect her and the things precious to him now. And I argue that the “human” side of him, the result of a fusion of souls, enhanced his capacity to be moved, weakened his resolve to return to his past life...

When other yokai accuse him of "going soft"... that's not quite what happened...it is, in some ways, but not the full story. Although he is still the ancient, 1000+ year old demon Kurama, and retains all his memories and sense of self... there is still a part of him, a new part, that really IS as young as he looks... one that is gentle, empathetic, kind, and constantly haunted by his past.

In some ways, this added layer of softness can be seen as a fallibility, an exploitable weakness... how convenient, for the cruel and merciless, cold and calculating thief to become “soft”... a soft point, a weak point, where there was only hardness before. But,

Kurama himself believes it is a strength. Although I do think he harbors some level of hidden self hatred, he doesn’t hate this side of himself. In fact, he embraces it, is proud of it, and will fight to protect what he has now with his life on the line. He has found people and things he wants to protect... he’s come to see the beauty of the human world around him, even the mundane... he’s come to see the beauty and power in something as simple and fragile as a rose. 

And the important people in Kurama’s life(e.g. Hiei), unlike the yokai who jeer and mock him, also see this part of him as a strength and not a weakness, and accept him as who he is today. 

Kurama has a war in his heart... and this inner conflict and duality makes so much sense with the fusion interpretation. Itsuki makes this observation:

“affection” and “carnage”... two sides of himself, at war... consistent with his past life of violence and cruelty, and the gentle human soul he merged with that literally made him a different person...  But again he’s still “Kurama”; he’s 100% yokai, not a human, and he remembers everything.

This headcanon of mine is why it doesn’t really feel right to me when I see people joke that Kurama’s just an old guy hanging out with a bunch of kids (like that steve buscemi meme lol). Again, in my interpretation... in some ways he IS just a teenage boy... even though he’s 1000+... which is why it makes sense that he genuinely enjoys having friends his “own age”... it’s more than just a facade of pretending to be a kid, I think. 

And I mean...just look at him. HE...... IS BABIE 🥺🥺🥺

TL;DR I see the current Kurama as literally being a fusion of souls, literally “not the same Kurama” as before, and this colors the way I interpret him haha,,,

.............................

OK THIS POST IS ALREADY LONG AS ASS, WHY NOT MAKE IT EVEN LONGER BC THERE’S SMTH ELSE i WANTED TO POINT OUT

This might be unique to the anime, but it fits in nicely with my headcanon... In the original Japanese cast, Kurama(as Shuichi) is voiced by Megumi Ogata, and the Yoko Kurama of the past is voiced by Shigeru Nakahara (i.e., when he appears in the dark tournament, and in subsequent flashbacks to Kurama’s past). However, when Kurama transforms into his yoko form on his own in the Chapter Black arc, not by the influence of the potion that literally turns back time...he keeps his Megumi Ogata voice even in that form... whereas in flashbacks he's consistently voiced by Shigeru Nakahara.  ITS A REALLY NICE TOUCH....and it confirms what he says when he's like i haven't actually reverted back, my body just transformed due to my heightened yoki.

And not only his voice, he even looks different... his yoko form is given a slightly different design in Chapter Black arc. In the dark tournament, his outfit is sleeveless, he has frayed eyebrows, and his ears are smooth. 

In black chapters... for some reason they started giving him sleeves

and more solid eyebrows...

and raggety ears? vs smooth

(SO CUTE I LOVE THEM...) 

These differences are shown in this production note from the anime, indicating that this was a conscious design choice in the anime: 

(I can’t read the text, but I see that episode #90 is specified in the right pic, which is the ep Kurama transforms into his yoko form in Black Chapters)

Anyway, these are very subtle details, but to me they’re another indicator that even in his yoko form he's not the same Kurama as he was before...!

OK THAT WAS LONG AF BUT I’M DONE NOW I THINK......... enjoy these kuramas before u go ^_^

#fluffprattle #yu yu hakusho #kurama #holy shit that was long #i am so sorry #ANYWAY.......... #i dont even know if this was comprehensible or not HITS SEND #KURAMA I WOULD FUCKIGN DIE FOR U

[calpalirwin]

Snapshots and Snapbacks

Summary: It’s easy to flirt with someone when you don’t expect them to call your bluff

A/N: College!Cal

Content: Sexual situations/mentions, mentions of drinking/drugs, my usual bullshit

Word Count: 10.3K

And away, and away we go!

~~~

The first time Brooke saw Calum she almost gasped out loud. There was no way a young man could be that pretty. Then he spoke and her heart raced in her chest.

She spent most of that semester staring at the pretty boy with the prettier handwriting rather than the board.

When the semester ended, she had exchanged only a handful of words with Calum, but that didn’t matter. She hoped their paths would cross again and that she would be braver about pursuing a friendship at the very least.

Two semesters later, having nearly forgotten about the pretty boy who was held her interest a year ago, he strolled into her last class of the day, and her smile broke out in a wide grin. “Cal!” she waved, motioning to the empty desk next to her as all those feelings that had laid dormant bubbled to the surface once more. “Missed ya man!”

“Shit, what up, girl?” he smiled back, bro-slapping her hand in greeting. “Was starting to think you graduated.”

“Nah,” she laughed with a shake of her head, her hand tingling from the feel of his palm against hers. “Last semester, though.”

“Shit, look at you go!” he praised.

“Thank you, thank you,” she continued to laugh, brushing imaginary dirt off her shoulders, grinning when his laugh joined hers.

~~~

Her hand reached into her bag of pretzels at the same time a Vans-clad foot shoved the leg of her desk chair. “Pst!” Calum whispered loudly, giving her desk another nudge. “Pst!”

She turned slightly in her desk to look at him, his eyes crinkling around the edges from the wide grin on his face. She tilted her chin upwards in a silent question of “What?” and stifled a laugh when he held his hand out and pouted. She laughed quietly, shaking her head as she dumped some pretzels in his waiting hand, both of them stifling more laughs as the bag crinkled in the dark and quiet classroom.

That would not be the last class he stole her snacks, thereby deeming himself Cal the Snack Thief. She damn near lost in when she brought Teddy Grahams and he let out the loudest moan stuffing them into his mouth with a “I haven’t had these in FOREVER!”

~~~

“Hey, you stole my shirt,” she joked, pointing between the shirts they were both wearing: a grey NASA tee.

“Nah,” he grinned. “Bet I had mine longer, so technically you stole mine.”

She chuckled as she took her seat. “Fair, very fair.”

“Where’s your hat?” he asked, noticing the blonde streaks in her brown hair for the first time, wondering if she always had them as she always had her hair hidden by a hat.

She pushed a hand through her hair, the blonde more noticeable as her hair flashed under the lights. “Oh, I wore a beanie today cuz it was cold. But I took it off because it made me look like shit.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that it was you making the beanie look like shit, not the other way around?” he asked teasingly.

She reached over to give his shoulder a push. “Shut up, you jerk,” she laughed before swiping the hat he wore on his own head and putting it on her head. “There, now I have my hat,” she said, sticking out her tongue at him.

Calum let out a small gasp of disbelief. Unbeknownst to her, Calum also liked Brooke. He liked that she was quick-witted in every aspect; that she could go from voicing the most complexly profound thoughts to giving the snarkiest of retorts. And he’d be lying if he said that every time she mouthed off didn’t stir his dom side wild. Like now. She continued to smirk at him before turning to face forward in her desk, her hands coming to rest cockily behind her neck, fingers interlacing. He leaned forward and snatched his hat off her head. “Shouldn’t take things that don’t belong to us, Brooke,” he breathed in her ear, getting smug satisfaction at the way she shivered.

But then, that bratty look was on her face as she turned in her seat to fire back with “Says you, snack thief.”

~~~

She heard the footsteps running up behind her before Calum was letting loose a scream behind her. She laughed and pushed his shoulder, laughing more as he stumbled over his feet. “You scared me, you jerk!”

“Yeah?” he asked, his brown eyes shining proudly.

“No,” she admitted, pushing him again. “I heard you, dumbass. If you had grabbed me though, I probably would’ve screamed.”

“Aw, shit. I had my headphones in, forgot you could hear me running.”

“You idiot,” she chuckled, pushing him a third time while he danced away from her, half chuckles falling from his own lips.

“Skip with me,” he directed.

“Skip with you?”

“Yeah! C’mon!” And then he was skipping down the sidewalk. She laughed and followed suit. God, how he could be so cute and dorky while being sexy as hell was beyond her. And totally unfair.

“So, where you headed?” she asked as they stopped skipping and fell into a relaxed walking pace.

His shoulders shrugged as he gripped his backpack straps. “Was gonna play some pool. Did you know we have a game center on campus? It’s fuckin’ sick.”

She rolled her eyes. “You really are an idiot.”

“What?”

“DiD yOu KnOw We HaVe A gAmE cEnTeR oN cAmPuS?” she mocked. “Of course we have a game center.”

“Well, shit, I didn’t know about it until Monday, okay Miss Smartypants? Shit…”

“I’m teasing, you goof. But, pool, huh?”

“Yeah, I’m not very good. But it’s a good way to kill some time.”

“Aw, don’t wanna go home?” she teased.

“Not to 3 dudes, I don’t!”

“Aw, roommates, how cute.”

“Yeah, I’m a broke ass college student. ‘Course I got roommates. You don’t?”

“Nope,” she answered, popping the “p” sound. “I’m a RA so I get a single at a discount.”

“Nice, look at you, baller.”

She shrugged. “It is what it is.”

“You mean you can have sex without anyone bothering you, you mean.”

She gasped in shock, “Calum!”

It was his turn to shrug as he grinned dangerously. “Am I wrong?” he challenged.

“That is none of your business, sir,” Brooke laughed, grateful it was dark out so he couldn’t she the blush in her cheeks.

“Aw, c’mon, we’re friends, aren’t we?”

“That we most definitely are,” she agreed, bypassing his original question. “And this is you,” she added, gesturing to the student center.

“This is me,” he confirmed. “See ya Monday, then?”

“Yeah, see ya in class,” she nodded. “Have fun.” Then, in a moment of bravery, she leaned for a hug.

His arm wrapped around her shoulders and she was slightly taken aback by the warm softness that radiated from such a strong arm. “See ya, girl,” he whispered as they broke apart.

By the time she let herself into her room, she had already sent him a friend request on Instagram and he had accepted.

~~~

Her fingers shook over her keyboard, the message chat open on her phone. She had been too shy to impose herself on his game of pool the other night. But he had said they were friends. Friends could play pool together.

Babbling_Brook: How’d playing pool by yourself go lol?

Calpal_hoodie: Lol! Actually one of the pool sharks in there came up to me and wanted to play some frames. It was a really good time.

Babbling_Brook: Oh shit that’s cool! We should play sometime before class lol. See if I still suck.

Her fingers shook with nerves as she waited for his message.

Calpal_hoodie: Haha down!

She let out a breath of relief. Good. He had agreed. Now to make it happen.

Babbling_Brook: Sick. I’m free before class for like 3 hours.

Calpal_hoodie: I have about an hour before.

Babbling_Brook: Sweet, I’ll be able to practice beforehand so I don’t make a total fool of myself lmao.

Calpal_hoodie: Lol! I’m nothing special, it’s okay

Babbling_Brook: We’ll see on Monday then who sucks more lmao

~~~

It was a slow drag to Monday and the impending date to shoot pool. It seemed to both like an eternity had taken place between Brooke’s last message Friday morning and her message Monday afternoon that included a picture of a pool table set up and waiting.

Babbling_Brook: Let’s go, playa!

Calpal_hoodie: I didn’t do the worksheet for class! After?

Her heart sank a little in her chest, but she wasn’t surprised her friend had procrastinated the idiotic assignment that was due every class.

Babbling_Brook: Do it in class lol

Calpal_hoodie: Lol! Sounds good! He doesn’t collect them until the end of class anyway.

Babbling_Brook: Exactly dude!

Calpal_hoodie: Dude! Did I tell you how I bought a new stick? Won’t be here til tomorrow though…

Babbling_Brook: Nice! Table’s set, btw.

“Oi! Over here!” Brooke called out across the room, recognizing that head of dark curls anywhere.

He broke out in a grin, as he hurried over to her. “What up, girl?” he asked, giving her a one-armed hug.

“Not much,” she said, gesturing to the pool table. “Wanna break?”

“Oh, we’re not playing 9-ball?” he asked, brown eyes scanning the table set up.

“No? Because I don’t know how?”

He nodded, placing the cue ball how he wanted, his pool cue sliding through his fingers. “After this, I’ll teach ya?” he asked, taking his shot, the balls clacking loudly, one sinking into a pocket.

She clicked her tongue in her cheek and nodded. “For sure.” Then, “I thought you were bad at this.”

He chuckled at her as he lined up his next shot. “I am. But I also watch a lot so…”

“Visual learner, nice,” she said, taking out her phone and snapping a picture of him leaning over the table. He missed and she moved around, plotting her own shot. “I learn by doing,” she admitted, taking her shot and missing. “Damn,” she muttered, shaking her head.

“Learn by doing, eh?” he smirked.

“Was about to turn that into a sex joke myself,” she laughed. Again, when he was busying himself with his turn, she snapped more photos of him. He quirked an eyebrow at her in silent question when he caught her on the third go-round. “What?” she asked, her cheeks flushing. “I like taking candids of my friends,” she half-lied, pocketing her phone. “I like capturing people in their element. Not posing for the camera or putting on a show. Just them being a hundred percent themselves.”

“Mhm,” he replied with a note of playful skepticism. Then, to make conversation, “You said you had a girlfriend, yeah?”

She laughed at the bold directness of the question. “What?! No!”

“No? Shit… I could’ve sworn… Aw, I’m so sorry!” he sputtered, his brown eyes wide and worried he had offended her. He was enveloping her in a hug before she knew it, his chest solid against her. “I love you! Don’t hate me!”

She laughed as they pulled apart. “I might have said I want a girlfriend, but I don’t actually have one. I wish.”

“You and me both,” he laughed. “Shit, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to...”

She waved him off. “Seriously man, it’s cool. You’re half right. I’m bi. It’s really fun to piss guys off by saying I’ve made out with more girls than they have. I mean, I’ve only made out with 2 girls. But still. You’d be surprised how many guys haven’t even done that.”

He nodded in appreciation. “Sick. So was it a boyfriend, then, and I just misheard?”

“Well…” she paused to think about it. “I mean, I’m seeing someone.”

He nodded and she detected the way his face fell for a moment. His face fell more when he sunk the 8 ball in the pocket and the cue ball followed. “Shit, good game.”

She laughed. “Thanks! It’s almost like you did all the work for me!”

“It’s cuz I did,” he laughed with her. “Alright, so 9-ball,” he started to explain as he set up the table. “You play with 9 balls.”

“Mmm, kinky,” Brooke snorted. “Continue.”

He rolled his eyes at her joke. “And you go in order. As long as you hit the first number in the sequence first, you’re good.”

Their game made them a few minutes late to their class, both of them giggling as the sped-walked across the room. “No, sit in front of me,” he whispered as she took her regular set in the row beside him.

She rolled her eyes but moved anyway, giggling more before reaching into her backpack to grab her snack. She pushed it to the bottom edge of her desk so he could reach. “More pool after class? Or you got plans?” she whispered, leaning back in her seat.

“Yeah, I’m down for a few games,” he whispered back, his hand reaching into the bag of teddy bear shaped graham crackers. Then, “So, you’ve only ever made out with chicks, but have you…?”

She gasped at the question he left hanging between them. “Yes, I’ve had sex. But only with one dude.”

“The one you’re seeing?”

She nodded. “And your body count?”

He snickered into his hand. “Way more than one.”

She turned, her eyes wide. She shouldn’t be surprised. He was a good looking guy. Too good looking if she could say so herself. Of course he was using it to his benefit.

~~~

“So, the guy?” he questioned, eyes trained on the pool table after class. “Must be good dick if he’s the only one?”

She laughed from her spot on the stool. “I guess? I mean, I wouldn’t know any different.”

“Aw, how cute,” he teased.

“Shut the fuck up,” she laughed at him, then put her hands on top of her head and sighed. “Fuck, I need to get fucked though.”

“Yeah?” he asked, his eyebrows shooting up.

“Yeah. Haven’t seen him in like a week.”

“You seeing him tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“Shit, what are you doing here playing pool with me for? Go get your dick girl!”

She rolled her eyes. “He hasn’t texted me he landed yet. I got time.”

“Long distance?”

She shook her head. “Nah, he was just traveling for work.”

“Nice,” he nodded. “So tits or ass?”

“My preference? As a girl with no ass herself, I’m a tit woman.”

He let out a chuckle of agreement. “No offense, but doesn’t seem like you got much tits either.”

She scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’ll have you know my tits are huge.”

“Bullshit. What size?”

“Triple D, bitch!” she stated proudly.

“Bull-fuckin-shit! Bet that is the roomiest fuckin bra in the planet.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” she smirked. “So, you a dom or a sub?” she asked, keeping the conversation going. If they were talking sex, she was going to get every inch, figuratively speaking.

He let his breathe in a sputtering huff as he thought, he hands raking through his curls. “Depends I guess.”

“Aw, you a switch?” she teased.

“Are you?” he challenged, equally playful.

She shrugged. “I’m a brat. Like I gave this guy the perfect chance to dom me and he flopped. It was kinda sad.”

He laughed. “What did you say?”

“I forget what started it. But I ended up asking what he was gonna do about it. And he just shrugged.”

His eyes went wide and his nose flared slightly at her words. “Oh yeah. Asking what I’m gonna do is gonna get the dom out. Like, excuse me?”

She laughed and shifted in her seat under his gaze. “Yeah! That’s what I expected was going to happen. But nope! What a shame.” She didn’t catch his muttered agreement as her phone buzzed. “Oh, yay! He landed.”

“Gotta go?” he asked, busying himself with taking his shot to hide his deflation.

“Nah,” she waved her hand. “We can finish the game. He’s still gotta get here.”

“Alright, for sure,” he said, perking back up again.

The game didn’t last much longer as Calum remained his innocence that he really wasn’t that good and Brooke proved that she actually wasn’t good. “Alright, I’m out,” she said, setting her pool stick aside. “See ya Wednesday?” she asked, slinging her backpack over her shoulder.

“Yup,” he said, giving her another one armed hug. “Go get that dick.”

She laughed as they let go and walked off calling out, “I fuckin will!”

As she tidied up her room, waiting for her actual date, she sent Calum the pictures she had taken of him earlier. 

Babbling_Brook: Some of the better shots I took

Calpal_hoodie: Nice! Had a great time. Let’s do it again, yeah?

She grinned at her phone before responding. 

Babbling_Brook: Oh for fuckin sure. New after class ritual lol?

Calpal_hoodie: Down

Babbling_Brook: Sweet. We should try the little bowling thing they got. Maybe I can actually win lmao

Calpal_hoodie: You a good bowler?

Babbling_Brook: Nope! But my dude makes mini bowling alleys for a living so I like to think I got a slight advantage lol

Calpal_hoodie: Oh, gotcha! He home yet?

Babbling_Brook: Nah. He’s stopping to get us burgers first. 

Calpal_hoodie: Animal style burger then fuck me animal style lol?

Babbling_Brook: He fuckin better!

Calpal_hoodie: Jesus lmao. Hahaha. Love it.

Babbling_Brook: Look, my hand and vibrator only do so much before a girl just needs a real dick. And THAT’S why I’m only half gay. 

Calpal_hoodie: With the technology y’all have with vibrators… so much pressure is put on the men I’ll have you know. When a vibrator can hit “your spot” a million times without fail… it really sets us up for failure lmao

Babbling_Brook: Well maybe I have a romantic kink then lol. I need human touch more than I need a damn vibrator. 

On the other side of campus, Calum hung his head sadly, wishing more than he cared to admit that he was the one providing her with that human touch she craved.

~~~

On Wednesday, Brooke carefully plotted her outfit. She was a bit bitter that Calum hadn’t believed her about her boob size, and she was determined to make him regret ever having doubted her. 

She admired herself briefly in her tank top before she threw on her hoodie and hat.

~~~

She was leaving the gym and was headed for the game center when her phone pinged. 

Calpal_hoodie: Syllabus doesn’t have a worksheet for today so guess who’s ditching?

Babbling_Brook: Bruh… so pool?

Calpal_hoodie: Yeah I’ll be playing pool until my pussy appointment later tonight. So like til 8 probs.

Her heart sank a little. But she supposed it was her fault for bragging about her own sex life. 

Babbling_Brook: Shit, get it!

Calpal_hoodie: Yeah. So I’ll be playing with some of the pool sharks, but if you wanna swing by, I’ll play a few games with ya. 

She chuckled and took a quick selfie of her with the pool tables behind her. 

Babbling_Brook: “swing by later” bitch get on my level lmao

Calpal_hoodie: Haha! Okay I see you I see you.

Brooke chuckled to herself as she pocketed her phone and watched the door for him. She had shrugged herself free of the hoodie long ago, the Southern California weather providing more warmth than seemed logically possible for the middle of February. She drummed her fingers impatiently against her leg, her mind debating whether to get a table for herself or just to wait. 

She narrowed her eyes when Calum finally did stroll in, and right past her, a man on a mission. Rather than storming over there like she wanted, she took out her phone and snapped more photos of him, enjoying seeing him in his element. Then, she picked up her things and strolled over.

“Just walk right by me, huh?” she greeted teasingly, her hand going to rest on his shoulder.

His brown eyes shined brightly and he grinned as he turned towards her familiar voice. “Hey! Shit, my bad,” he responded, wrapping her in his famous one-armed hug. “Must’ve walked right by you.”

“Yeah, I saw you walk by and was like really?”

“I’m sorry!” he laughed, pouting his lips at her. “Do you have a table?”

“Nah,” she waved her hand. “I’ll watch for a bit. We’ll play ourselves later.”

“Cool, for sure,” he nodded before engaging himself with the small group of guys already playing at the table.

She pretended to busy herself with her phone or studying the table, anything to distract herself from studying him. She had her back turned when his fingers brushing across her bare shoulder made her jump. “Nice tattoo,” he murmured as he retracted his light touch, her skin on fire.

“Thanks,” she mumbled, her cheeks flushing as her own fingers flew up to trace the sunflower his fingers had been tracing mere seconds ago. “I like yours too,” she added, pointing at his arms that held much more ink than her single small shoulder piece.

His soft chuckle tickled her ear as he stayed close behind her. “Also, I owe you an apology,” he said, his eyes darting downwards briefly. “I see it now with the tank top.”

“Told ya,” she smirked over her shoulder at him.

His eyes went wide in realization. “Wait! Did you wear a tank top on purpose?”

She scoffed and averted his gaze. “What? That’s ridiculous. No I- yes I did,” she laughed, not able to keep a straight face. “Did it work?” she asked with a hopeful voice.

He let out another soft chuckle in response, then, “Go set up a table. I’m almost done with this game.”

“Aw shit, are we keeping you from your girl?” one of the guys Calum had been playing with asked.

The two friends jumped apart. “What? No! We’re just friends!” they both blurted before Brooke walked off to the front desk to get a table for her and Calum.

“Sorry about that,” Calum said, a hand rubbing at his neck when she came back.

She waved a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. It’s harmless.”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” he chuckled. “Could you imagine though?” he asked with a raised eyebrow and slight smirk.

She laughed at his bluntness. “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t,” she answered truthfully.

“Oh yeah?” he questioned, cocking his head to the side.

She shrugged. “You’re a good looking dude. I got a nice rack. I’m also smart as hell. We get along. Wouldn’t be a whole lot different than what we’re doing now.”

“Shit, I suppose you’re right. Too bad we’ll never know.” His shrug mirrored her own, his words meaning different things to each of them. To him, he was referring to her “seeing someone” and to her it was solidification that a guy like him would never go for a girl like her.

“Yup,” she said, just to have something to say as she lined up her shot.

“Here, can I tell you something?” he asked suddenly.

“Yeah, shoot,” she said, straightening up, intrigued.

“You bridge with your thumb,” he told her, pointing at her hand still resting on the pool table. “Which is fine because you can tilt it and such. But lie the rest of your knuckles flat on the table. It’ll give you steadier control.”

“Oh. Like this?” she checked, adjusting her hand slightly so her knuckles were flat against the green felt rather than tilted at an angle.

“Yeah, there you go.”

She bent back over the table to take her shot, fully aware of how heavy his gaze felt on her.

They remained quiet as they went about playing their game, minus the small muttered curses at a missed shot, exchanging soft smiles as they moved about the table and each other. When he won, he high-fived her. “Good game. You almost had me. Play by yourself for a bit and I’ll be back to check on you? I’m gonna go get in on another game with them if I can,” he said, jerking a thumb at the table in front of them.

“I’ll be here,” she smiled at him, feeling the heat rush to her cheeks at his mention of checking up on her. She lost herself in focusing on her own game, but her gaze still fluttered over to him more than she intended. And every time she looked away, he looked over at her.

“You good?” he asked, coming up behind her.

She pushed the strands of hair that were falling in her face out of the way, having discarded her hat a while ago. “Yup. How’s your game?”

“Oh we finished. But the other guy wants to play so here I am. Mind if I?” He let his gesturing finish his question as his large hand swept over the table.

She took a step back, “Go for it.”

Again, they didn’t say much. This time though, she busied herself with getting lost in the music playing from the speakers around the room, singing softly and moving her hips to the beat. He tried not to stare, but it was hard not to. No matter how hard he tried he just couldn’t get her off his mind. There was something in the way she just felt familiar to him, like he didn’t have to put on a show. He could just be, and she would just accept it, no questions asked.

He drummed his fingers against his thighs after he cleared the table, pondering his next move. “Alright, I’m heading back over there. But, uh…?”

Brooke chuckled. “Go do you. I’m fine.”

She played another two games by herself without Calum coming back. She set up for a third game, and left it there before walking over to where he was. “Hey,” she said, putting her hand on his shoulder, feeling her heart race when he turned and grinned at her.

“Hey!”

“Hi,” she laughed at his happy nature, his eyes rimmed red.

“We’re a little high. Wanna hit?”

“Nah, I’m good, thanks.”

“Don’t smoke?”

“No.”

“Have you ever?”

“Once.”

“Nice! Oh, I’m gonna go get some food. You guys want anything?”

“I won’t say no to a cheese pizza. Since you’re offering.”

The other guy muttered something about how pizza sounded great, pulling out his wallet.

“Nah,” Calum waved his hand. “Don’t worry about it. I offered.”

“Ah, well shit. I’ll get next time then. I don’t like mooching.”

Brooke laughed and touched Calum’s shoulder again. “Oh, I don’t give a fuck about mooching.”

Calum laughed with her, before his eyes got playfully dark. “Venmo me, bitch.”

She laughed more, “Nah, I’ll pay you in other ways, yeah?” she teased , eyes darting to his lap.

The other guy clapped a hand to his mouth as he snorted in laughter. “Damn, you gonna suck his dick right here?”

Brooke ran a hand through her hair, “Cal wishes.”

“Right. You guys aren’t together. But like… would you?”

Brooke shrugged and opted for honesty, “Yeah, I’d fuck him.”

“Nice. And you?” he asked Calum.

“Me what?”

“Would you fuck her?”

“Given a chance? Oh, hell yeah.” He reached into his backpack and took a hit off a vape pen before walking off in search of pizza.

“So are you with someone else or is he?” the guy asked Brooke.

“Uh… little bit of both?” she said skeptically with a shrug as she took a seat on the stool.

He nodded. Then blinked. “Wait, what do you mean by that?”

“Well, I’ve been seeing someone for years. But weren’t not… serious I guess? More of like a super close friendship that involves sex.”

He nodded again, understanding better. “So dating without the label?”

She chuckled. “Yeah, I guess. And not for lack of trying on my part. I mean, I like the dude, obviously. But I’d also like to say I have a boyfriend.”

“Mhm. And that one?” he asked, jerking a thumb towards where Calum had wandered off.

“Oh, Cal’s single. He’s actually going to hook up with a chick later.”

“And that chick isn’t you?”

She shook her head. “Nope.”

“Why not? You just both admitted you’d fuck each other. You guys seem to get along. And he hasn’t stopped checking you out.”

She blushed. “I think I ruined it by telling him I was seeing someone. I think he thinks it’s an actual relationship. And I don’t know how to bring that up. Especially now. ‘Hey Cal, remember how we just said we’d fuck each other given a chance? Well, I’m actually single. Surprise!’? No. He’d think I was just saying it. And I’m not into people thinking I’m using them.”

The guy nodded for a third time. “Fair enough. Fuck, I’m so high right now. Shit, I gotta get to class. How long does it take to get pizza?”

Brooke chuckled as she pushed back her hair. “Want me to go check on him?”

“Would you mind?”

“Nah, not at all,” she said getting up. She would take any excuse to be with Calum.

Calum had a beer in his hand and was sitting at a table, his head down as he looked at the phone in his other hand. She couldn’t stop herself from suppressing the urge to place her hands on those squishy cheeks as she moved towards him but at the last second, her hands placed themselves on either side of his head, giving him a playful shake. “Hey!” he said, brightening up as he realized it was her. “I got a beer,” he added, showing her the beer in his hand. “The pizza should be out soon. I got a medium cuz it was cheaper.”

“Smart move,” she agreed. “I didn’t know you were even old enough to drink.”

He quirked an eyebrow at her. “I’m 22. My birthday was a couple weeks ago.”

“Shit yeah? I turned 22 back in December.”

“Aw, we like birthday buddies almost.”

“Almost yeah. Hey, I didn’t make things awkward when I admitted I’d sleep with you, did I?”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I mean, I admitted the same thing. We’re still cool.”

“Cool,” she smiled.

“So what’s up? Come to check on me?”

“Yeah, thought I’d keep you company. Plus the guy’s gotta get to class so he’s getting a bit impatient.”

Calum’s laugh rang out in the pizza shop. “Guess he’s gonna be late to class. But, tell him it shouldn’t be much longer?”

“Yeah, for sure,” she said, patting his shoulder before walking back to the game room.

“Aw, damn, was hoping you’d both come back,” the guy said, seeing only her return.

“Sorry, man. Cal got a medium cuz it was cheaper so he’s gotta wait. Should be done soon though.”

“Alright, no problem,” he had just enough time to respond before Calum was walking to them, a pizza box with plates in one hand and his beer in the other. “Awesome! Wish I didn’t have to grab and leave, but I gotta get going. Got a quiz.”

“No worries man,” Calum told him, handing the other man a plate and opening the box. “Sorry it took so long.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Thanks, man,” he said, loading his plate up with slices of pizza. “Catch ya later. Nice meeting you…” his voice faltered as he looked at Brooke.

“Brooke,” she supplied. “Nice meeting you too.”

“Yup. See ya guys.”

“Thanks for the pizza, Cal,” she said, putting a slice on the plate he handed her.

“No problem. Needed to eat something. Aw, he took like all the pepperoni,” he frowned at the box.

She looked at the box with him, her heart fluttering that half of it was cheese for her. “You could’ve gotten it all pepperoni.”

“But you wanted cheese,” he said, taking a sip of his beer.

“You’re cute, you know that?” she asked, being bold and taking a sip of his beer herself, wincing at the taste.

“Hey!” he laughed, snatching his beer back. “Getcha own beer.”

She made a face. “Yuck! You can keep it. Ugh. Nasty!”

“So you don’t drink either?”

She shook her head. “That makes me like the most boring person on the planet huh? College girl who doesn’t drink or smoke.”

“Nah,” he said with a shake of his head. “One of my roommates is the same way. So you just don’t like the taste or you scared?”

“Scared? I’m not scared of anything.”

He laughed. “No! I didn’t mean it like that. Not scared of anything, huh? Should’ve guessed. I just meant… some people don’t drink because they got a family history. So they’re more… aware of the choices they make. Or don’t make, I guess.”

“Is your roommate one of those people?”

“Yeah. Being an alcoholic scares him. Rightfully so. Shit’s scary.”

“You don’t seem scared yourself.”

He shrugged. “I like to think I know my limits. Like this will be the only drink I have.”

She nodded, approvingly. “I’m just not a big fan of the taste. But, I’ll drink every now and then. But even then, it’s barely enough to give me a buzz. I like being in control.”

“Ooo, a dom, eh?” his eyes danced playfully.

“Says the switch!” she laughed. “No. I’m just a brat. Don’t have enough confidence to actually be a dom. I’m all bark and no bite.” Her voice trailed off as they ate their pizza. When she caught him lip syncing to the music playing through the speakers, she spoke up, “Like this music?”

He nodded, a slight red tinge undertoning his tanned cheeks. “Yeah. But I’ll listen to just about anything.”

“Yeah?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, I play and sing, so…”

“Yeah?! That’s awesome. What do you play?”

“Bass, mostly. My roommates and I are actually in a band.”

“No shit?” she asked. “Would love to watch you play sometime then.”

“Yeah? Shit, I’ll tell you next time we practice, then,” he promised, reaching into the pizza box. “Aw, shit, is there any left?”

She nodded. “Should be one more.”

“Yeah? How many did you have?”

“This is my third.”

“That was my fourth. Last one’s yours then.”

She shook her head. “No. You bought it. You take it. I’m good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Game?”

“For sure,” he nodded, taking a big bite of the slice.

They played at a slow pace, taking their time. At one point he went back to his pizza slice to take a bite, but held it out to her in offering. She grinned and instead of taking it from his hands like he expected, she leaned down and tore off a piece with her teeth. “Thanks,” she continued to grin around the bite, making him laugh. They loved how easy it felt to be around each other, quirky banter without any sense of awkwardness or trying to impress the other. Just straight up honesty at every turn.

“Ugh!” he muttered in frustration as he missed what seemed like an easy shot even for her. “I’m getting mad!”

She covered her mouth with her hand and giggled so hard she let out a loud squeaky wheezing sound.

“Was that you?” he asked.

She nodded, her body continuing to shake with her laughter. “Sorry. I do that when I laugh too hard. You’re cute when you’re mad, you know that?”

“You know that you’re just cute?” he asked back.

She blushed and busied herself with taking her turn, opting not to respond.

“So what’s your favorite position?” he asked her.

“Shit!” she sputtered, bringing a finger to her lips in thought.

“My bad. You don’t have to answer.”

“Nah, it’s cool. Just a good question. Shit… Uh… well I’m a little romantic at heart, so probably missionary. But I like others too.”

“Yeah? Missionary’s my favorite because I can pull her hair and make her look at me.”

Her eyes went wide. “Ooo, into hair pulling huh? I love pulling and getting my hair pulled.”

His own eyes went wide and his cock twitched in his pants. “Yeah? What other positions do you like? You said there were others.”

Her cheeks flushed. “Yeah,” she stammered. “Well, uh… like most girls I assume, I get off through clit stimulation. So 69 is like a gold mine. Doggy’s also nice.”

He nodded approvingly as his cock twitched more. “Wanna know the nice part of doggy?” he asked, his voice catching a little.

“What?” she laughed, knowing she had him about as flustered as he had her.

“You get to pull her up by her hair and play with her clit,” he winked.

“Ayyyy! That’s exactly why I like it!”

“It’s definitely on the list of positions I like too. Plus I get to choke her a bit. That’s why I like missionary too.”

“Any position you can choke and pull her hair, huh? See, I like doggy because I get both of those and some ass smacking. All my kinks in one position.”

“Aw, you got them soft kinks,” he teased.

“Shut up, so do you!” she laughed.

He sat down in a high-backed chair that rocked slightly with his movements. “Aw, shit, this chair would be perfect to have a girl riding me on,” he acknowledged with a horny look. His teeth sunk into his lower lip as he gripped the armrests and made the chair rock more. “Just, a little this with her hand choking me. Phew… Clutch, lemme tell ya.”

“Annnd, there’s the switch,” she giggled.

“Look, I only like being dommed when she’s riding me. Otherwise, I’m domming.”

“Next you’re gonna tell me you like being called ‘Daddy’,” she scoffed at him.

The way his eyes lit up at the title had her gulping involuntarily. “Fuck yeah. The girl I’m gonna hook up with later- we’ve hooked up in the past- she called me ‘Sir’ once and I corrected her so fuckin’ hard.”

She laughed to hide her arousal. “You’re so weird.”

He smirked at her as he stood up. “Aw, got you a little flustered, do I?” he breathed down at her once he had closed their distance

“Like I don’t have you just as flustered,” she shot back, rubbing her hand against his cheek. “Daddy,” she added with a loud laugh. She pursed her lips in a knowing smirk of her own at the way he looked: his eyes clenched shut, hands curling in a fist, and teeth biting into his lip. “What? I shouldn’t touch you?” she continued to play with him, dropping her hand to draw it down his torso, enjoying the feel of his muscles underneath her fingertips. He radiated strength in a way that made her weak in the knees and wet between her thighs. Thankfully for her, she could hide her arousal better than he could.

“You really shouldn’t,” he said, his lips barely moving, and his brown eyes practically pitch black with lust.

She shrugged and stepped back. “Your shot, by the way,” she told him, gesturing at the pool table.

Right. Pool. He had nearly forgotten what he was originally here to do, his mind full of thoughts that centered around bending her over the pool table and wiping that smirk off her face. Her own mind raced with similar thoughts, wishing he didn’t have a hook up date with another girl.

~~~

Brooke wasn’t expecting to hear from Calum until Monday, so when her phone pinged not even an hour after they had said their goodbyes for the night, she was definitely surprised.

Calpal_hoodie: Wanna hear something annoying?

She perked up so much, she felt a little guilty.

Babbling_Brook: Omg, yes! What happened with your date?

Calpal_hoodie: So, she gets here. We drove around to find a spot. I take out my condoms. She’s ALLERGIC to them! So, I drove to a store to get new ones. I drive back. And she’s like “can you drive me back please?” She was about to break down about her break up with her ex and couldn’t handle it. So dry dick for Cal.

Brooke clapped a hand over her mouth to suppress her giggles. On one hand, she felt bad for him. On the other, she was glad his date had freaked out. The fact that- besides playing venting at her- he had let his date call it quits before it even started only made Brooke feel better about her feelings about Calum.

Babbling_Brook: If it makes you feel any better, this chick I’m never gonna stand a chance with called me a pussy wetter. Which like… no… I’m dorky and awkward. I just have a talent for being smooth as fuck

Calpal_hoodie: Lol. You want me to agree with her, don’t you?

Babbling_Brook: I mean… I gave you the set up…

Calpal_hoodie: Lol! Yes, you definitely have pussy wetting potential.

Babbling_Brook: Potential?! Aw, bubbie…

Calpal_hoodie: Bubbie? Lol

Babbling_Brook: Not into pet names? Cal the Snack Thief is a tad long... And again. “Potential”?! Smh… lowkey offended, bubbie.

Calpal_hoodie: So am I… And no! I didn’t mean it like that, honest… When I use the term “potential” it means you already got it.

Babbling_Brook: 1.) Did you just make a big dick joke? 2.) I’m teasing. I know I’m a smooth talking son of a gun. I can talk the panties off a mannequin.

Calpal_hoodie: Yes, yes I did lol. And note taken. That was smooth right there.

Babbling_Brook: I mean… I made you nice and flustered earlier, yeah?

Calpal_hoodie: Oh yeah… fuck! I just want pussy in my mouth with my cock down someone’s throat… is that too much to ask?!

Babbling_Brook: You and me both, bubbie. Only the opposite. But yeah…

Calpal_hoodie: Wake up that dude of yours by sucking his dick then, lmao. I’m gonna get high as balls.

Babbling_Brook: Nah, I’m probs just gonna go to bed. As for you? Yeah, go get high as balls and maybe you’ll forget it’s your own hand you’re fucking.

Calpal_hoodie: Now you’re just making me feel bad lmao

Babbling_Brook: Just being a brat, like whatchu gonna do?

Calpal_hoodie: Lmao, I think you know what I would do… fuck, I’ll probably end up sending nudes to my chick after I smoke. I always get more comfortable doing that when I’m high as hell.

Babbling_Brook: Makes sense. Being drunk/high tends to lower one’s inhibitions so people are more likely to step outside of their normal comfort zone when under the influence (See, told ya I was smart, too)

Calpal_hoodie: Alright, calm down Plato lol

Babbling_Brook: Lol.

She paused and looked at her phone. Her curiosity was getting the better of her. She had to know.

Babbling_Brook: Now… out of pure curiosity… I’m pretty bratty with you frequently. Given the chance, what would you actually do?

Calpal_hoodie: Look at you all turned on asking me lol

She chuckled at her phone. She wasn’t going to let him see her sweat. She turned up the brat charm.

Babbling_Brook: My curiosity is turned on, sure. As for the rest of me? Dry as your dick, bubbie.

Calpal_hoodie: Oh, damn! Alright… so like… what would I do to you sexually? If I had the chance and you were single?

She frowned at her phone, briefly. Was he only this willing to divulge all this information to her because he thought she was with someone else? Because he could freely flirt with her because he thought all it amounted to was just two friends talking shit? She wondered if now was her chance to come clean. Let him know that he had misinterpreted her words when she said she was seeing someone. But, she was afraid he would balk if she did. That knowing there was no actual boundary would be what pushed their relationship into awkward territory. And as much as she liked him that way, she also really enjoyed the friendship and didn’t want to lose that.

Babbling_Brook: Yeah. We’re both single. We have the relationship we do now. I mouth off like I always do. What do you do?

Calpal_hoodie: Well I’d tell you that if you keep mouthing off, you won’t have any room left in your mouth to speak. And of course you wouldn’t want to stop talking shit then. So I’d prove it and make you get on your knees for me… and if we had that room to ourselves, you’d definitely end up over that pool table taking every inch. But… ya know… lol!

Brooke gulped, reading the message, knowing he wouldn’t have told her that if she told him the truth. It was easy to be bold when you thought nothing could come of it.

Babbling_Brook: Oh, so when you said you were a dom, you meant like a dom dom. Alright… I dig.

Calpal_hoodie: Lol oh yeah. And you? What would you do?

Babbling_Brook: Shit… flip the script, yeah? Alright… Well, I’d definitely be much brattier knowing I could probably get something out of it. Test these dom limits of yours. And then get hella insecure that you saw me as a fling. Because even though I started everything in good fun, I’d be secretly craving a relationship like the romantic ho I am.

Calpal_hoodie: Aw! Least you’re honest. Well, would’ve been fun.

She shook her head sadly at her phone. If only he knew this was all entirely possible.

Babbling_Brook: I try to be lol. Like in all reality, I’d let you fuck me six ways to Sunday and then probably cry about it because I’d get all girly about it. But I’d still be my bratty self to you in person acting all cool and unbothered cuz I don’t want to be clingy and weird. Definitely would’ve been a ride for sure- pun fully intended.

Calpal_hoodie: Aw! That’s like both a lil sad but so honest and genuine. Nice pun, btw lol.

Babbling_Brook: Lol, it’s okay though. Cuz, trust, you’d want a relationship. Like I’m fuckin great! I can be adventurous as fuck or we can chill in bed all day watching movies. And I value my independence so like I’m more than fine with you going off with your boys or whatever cuz I like my alone time. Plus, I’ll remind you of what you got waiting for you later…

Calpal_hoodie: Ayyy! Sounds good to me lmao! Fuck, I still gotta smoke…

Babbling_Brook: Cool, cool. I’m gonna hit the hay. Enjoy that smoke and the thoughts we put in each other’s head lol!

Calpal_hoodie: Lmao, will do!

They both did. They both made a mess of themselves at the idea of giving themselves over to the other one.

~~~

Again, Brooke didn’t expect to hear from Calum until Monday at class. So when her phone pinged on Saturday and the notification said it was from him, her eyebrows pinched together in confusion while her heart raced in excitement.

Calpal_hoodie: Hey, I dunno if you had plans or anything. But my roommates and I are gonna have a rehearsal. So if… No worries if you’re busy. Just thought you’d be interested.

Babbling_Brook: Nah, that sounds great! I’m off today. Where you guys at?”

He messaged her an address to a set of apartments she knew was a few blocks from campus. A twenty minute walk, tops. She looked out the window at the soft warm sunshine. A walk would be perfect.

Babbling_Brook: Cool, be there in twenty. Should I bring anything?

Calpal_hoodie: Nah, just your cute ass

Babbling_Brook: Lmao, you mean my nonexistent ass?

Calpal_hoodie: Lol, it’s okay. You don’t need an ass. You got tits for days.

Babbling_Brook: That I do, lol. See ya in a few then.

The music playing in her headphones got caught off by her phone pinging. Her heart sank, thinking it was Calum cancelling. But it wasn’t. It was Trevor, her not-boyfriend.

Trev: Hey

Brookie: Hey

Trev: You busy?

Brookie: Yeah, I’m actually heading over to a friend’s. Gonna watch his band practice

Trev: His? Like a dude?

Brookie: Is that a problem?

Trev: No. So later then?

Brookie: Maybe… What are we, Trev?

Trev: This again? Brookie…

Brookie: I know. I just…

Trev: You wanna fuck this dude without feeling guilty?

Brookie: Don’t put words in my mouth… I’m not trying to fight.

Trev: I’m not either. Look, we’ve dated other people before. You’re free to do what you want Brookie. I’ll be here whenever you’re done having your fun.

Brookie: Don’t do that. Don’t act like I’m the one stringing you along. You wanted this setup, not me.

Trev: I wasn’t saying that to be mean, Brookie, damn. Seriously, have your fun.

Brookie: I’m sorry, Trev. I didn’t expect to feel this way.

Trev: You don’t have to apologize, Brookie. I’m the idiot who keeps you at arm’s length. I know that comes with the risk of losing you to someone who won’t. But that’s my problem, not yours.

Brookie: I’m still sorry. I don’t like hurting you.

Trev: I know. That’s part of your charm Brookie. You care deeply about everyone around you. Don’t worry about me, okay?

Brookie: Easier said than done, Trev…

Trev: I know. See ya around, Brookie.

She sniffed back the tears that threatened to fall, feeling stupid for mourning a loss that was never hers to lose in the first place. All Trevor and her had been were friends who sometimes had sex. Which is why she had known exactly what to say to Calum about what she would afterwards in the event they ever crossed the line and had sex themselves. It had been a projection of her own relationship with Trevor. She just had to keep faith that maybe her relationship with Calum would have a better ending.

She paused to collect herself before she rapped her knuckles on the door of Calum’s apartment. The door swung open before she had even finished knocking and she was being pulled in the apartment and that one-armed hug she only now fully realized how much she loved. “Hey! You’re here! Guys! This is Brooke. Brooke, these are the guys. Ash, Luke, and Mike.”

3 tall guys nodded as their names were called, first a hazel-eyed brunette with a bright red bandana, then a blue-eyed blonde with a lip ring, and a guy with hair dyed the same shade of green as his eyes.

“Hi,” she squeaked, heat rushing to her cheeks. Of course someone as good looking as Calum would have equally good-looking friends.

“You okay?” Calum asked her, his brown eyes full of concern.

She let out her breath in a huff and shrugged her shoulders. “Eh,” she held her hand flat and gave it a small shake. “It’s fine. So do you guys do covers or write your own stuff?”

“Bit of both,” the blonde told her.

“Cool! What would you classify the stuff you make as? Like genre?”

“Punk!” the green-haired man grinned.

Brooke chuckled as the others sighed, “Mikey…”

“We’re mostly rock oriented,” the brunette explained. “But we experiment with different sounds, so I wouldn’t classify us specifically as a rock band. We just make music we like to make. The genre part is irrelevant.”

“Ash, the word smith,” Calum teased with a roll of his eyes as he moved across the room to pick up the bass he must have set aside when he answered the door. “Have a seat,” he directed at Brooke. “Get comfortable.”

She took a seat on a chair while the men went to various instruments. “2, 3, 4,” the brunette, Ash, counted from a drum kit. Brooke watched his thick thigh work to create a steady fast-paced beat, drumsticks twirling effortlessly before her eyes were glancing back over to Calum who had his eyes closed as he played the beat with Ash before the other two joined in with their the guitars and the blonde started singing.

Brooke watched, mesmerized, her jaw dropping when Calum started singing himself. She quickly closed it when he caught her and shot her a wink. She swayed in her seat, her feet tapping along to the beat as the roommates played their way through some songs she didn’t recognize so she assumed they were theirs, snapping the occasional picture.

~~~

“So, how do you know, Cal?” Ash was asking her an hour later as they both sipped on water. The instruments had been placed aside in favor of game controllers and when Ash made a mention of grabbing some drinks, she had realized how parched she had become.

“Oh, we have a class together.”

He nodded, leaning against the kitchen counter. “College girl meets college boy, huh? Same major?”

She chuckled softly, before shaking her head. “No, I’m a photography major. I think Cal’s English, isn’t he?”

He nodded. “Yeah, Cal’s an English major. He always liked to read. But photography, eh? That explains you taking all those pictures.”

She shrugged. “I like seeing people for who they truly are. Are you guys in college, too?”

He shook his head. “Nah, I graduated last year. And those two barely made it out of high school. Cal and I were the only ones who could stick out school. Which is crazy cuz Luke’s mum’s a teacher.”

She chuckled more. “Mum… what are you, British?”

“Australian, darling. We all are. Cal didn’t tell you?”

She sputtered, choking on her water. “What?! No! No, he didn’t.”

He giggled and a dimple appeared in his cheek. “Yeah. Luke and Mike have dreams of being rockstars. And they’re our boys and it’s our band. So when we graduated high school, we all moved out here. But, Cal wanted a college education. And I had already completed a year myself at that point, so I joined him. And Luke and Mike… well, their talents lie elsewhere. They’ve gotten us a few demos made. We even have our own albums and perform at festivals. Just waiting for Cal to get done so we can make it big time.”

“Sounds to me like that won’t be that hard. You guys got some serious talent.”

“Yeah? You think?”

She nodded. “Yeah. So you’re a year older then?”

It was his turn to nod. “There abouts. I’m 23. Mike and Cal are 22. Then Luke’s the baby. He won’t be 22 until after my 24th birthday. How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking.”

“Oh, I’m 22. I’m about two months older than Cal.”

“Nice. And you have a class together with Cal?”

She nodded. “Yeah. We had a class last year which is how we met. Honestly, I didn't think he noticed me at all. Then, this semester we ended up in another class together, and I guess I made more of an impression than I thought.”

He smiled down at her and she thought she’d drown in that hazel gaze. “Oh, you made the impression alright. Mate doesn’t shut up about you. Always going on about the girl in class with the snacks and snark.”

She laughed loudly, covering her mouth with her hand as she blushed. “Don’t know why he would. I’m really not much. Just a girl who doesn’t know when to shut her mouth.”

“Should see yourself from someone else’s point of view, darling. Cuz, you’re a bombshell, if I can be so bold as to say so.”

She sputtered again. “Oh yeah?”

He leaned down, his gaze heavy on her. “Oh, yeah.”

“Hey!” Calum’s voice snapped darkly and Ash and Brooke jumped apart, Ash giving his friend a sheepish grin, Brooke’s face bright red like she had got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. “The fuck, Ash?”

Ash raised his hands in defense. “My bad. Line crossed. I’ll back off.”

“Yeah, back the fuck up. She’s got a boyfriend.”

“You’re dating?” Ash’s hazel eyes flashed in startled confusion.

Calum’s brown eyes rolled. “No. She’s got a boyfriend.”

Brooke fiddled with her fingers. “Um… actually…” she started, her voice small, both slightly frightened and turned on by Calum’s protective jealousy.

“You don’t have a boyfriend?” Calum’s voice asked, the fierceness replaced by a tone that sounded on the verge of breaking. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I said… and you assumed… and I didn’t… Cal, we said…” Brooke’s hands started to flutter at her sides, her eyes welling up with tears. The girl who normally had more words than she knew what to do with was speechless.

“Whoa… hey,” his voice soothed and then he was pulling her into a hug. But instead of one arm, it was both, and she was about to crack from the soft intimacy. “C’mere,” he said before he was leading her down the hallway and into a bedroom. “Brooke, it astounds me how fucking blunt and honest we are with each other. Like the shit that comes out of your mouth blows me away sometimes. But you really couldn’t feel like you could tell me that you didn't have a boyfriend?”

“I’m sorry…” she whispered. “I… what Trevor and I have is hard to explain. It’s like we’re a couple without the label. And it’s always been confusing for me. And I didn’t want to try and explain that and get us both confused, so it was easier to let you think that he was my boyfriend. And then… well, we admitted what we admitted and… I dunno. I think it was easy for you to say those things when you thought nothing could come from it.”

“You think I said those filthy things to you just to say them?”

She shrugged and bit into her lower lip. “Maybe… Easy to flirt with someone when you can hide behind the fact that nothing will come of it…”

“Is that why you let me believe you had a boyfriend? So you could hide?”

She shook her head. “No! I just… look the relationship I had… have… I dunno… it’s not fully what I want. Yes, we’re friends. Yes, we have sex. But I want more than that. And he doesn’t. And that’s fine. But… I can’t do it with you, too. And I know it’s probably on me for being the proud tomboy who likes to be one of the guys. But I can’t keep being the girl who’s not good enough to be the girlfriend.”

“Jesus…” Calum breathed, running his hands through his curls.

“Don’t,” she said, standing up. “It’s fine. I’m the hopeless romantic living in a hookup culture world. Um, I’m gonna go now. But, I’ll see you Monday? Want teddy grahams or pretzels?”

“You’re doing that thing you said you would do,” he muttered.

“What thing?” she asked, forcing a smile.

“Where you said you would act cool and unbothered to not come off as clingy and desperate.”

“I said weird, not desperate…” she mumbled, staring down at her shoes. “See ya, Cal.”

“On your knees,” his voice barked at her as her back turned and her hand gripped the knob of the bedroom door.

“Excuse me?” she asked, turning back to face him, her face a mix of sad longing and confused anger.

He stalked over to her. “I said,” he spoke, his voice low and raspy as his fingers dug into her shoulders. “On. Your. Knees.”

She looked at him in full confusion but sank to her knees anyway. “Cal… What are you doing?”

“Making good on my word of what I would do to you if I ever got the chance,” he answered darkly. Then his face was inches from hers and it was full of soft concern. “That okay?”

She gulped and nodded. Then, as he went to straighten up, “Wait! Cal?”

“Yeah?” he asked, crouching back down.

“What happens after?”

“You said you’d make a great girlfriend, didn’t you?”

She nodded.

“I’m willing to give that a try if you are.”

She nodded again. Then, “Cal?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Brooke. I’m a romantic, too. This is about making sure we both get what we want. And I want you.”

“I want you too, Cal.”

“Good,” he smiled before pressing a soft kiss to her lips that made her stomach do flips. “Now, open up that pretty mouth of yours,” he said, tracing his thumbs over her lips to part them as he straightened up once more. “And it’s ‘Daddy’ from here on out,” he added with a smirk before his fingers were undoing his jeans and pushing them down along with his boxers.

“Yes, Sir,” she grinned saucily, her mouth watering at how big he was.

“There’s my brat,” he cooed in a manner that sent shivers down her spine. “Gonna fuck that attitude out of you real fast, sweetheart. You’ll learn.”

“Do your worst,” she taunted.

~~~

They were a breathless mess of tangled limbs and soft kisses in his bed. “Fuck, Ca- Da- Um…” she giggled while her cheeks flushed brick red. “Shit, I dunno what to call you now…”

His chest rumbled beneath her with his chuckle. “You can still call me, ‘Cal,’ sweetheart. ‘Daddy’ is just for bedroom activities. I’m not that kind of dom.”

She nodded. “Fuck, that was amazing.”

“Plenty more where that came from too, sweetheart. This is only the beginning.”

She sprawled across him to reach for her phone that was in her pants. “Can I?” she asked.

He nodded, pulling up the blankets to make them less exposed as she snapped some pictures. “You said you take pictures because you like seeing how people are when they’re fully themselves?”

“Yeah…”

“So what would those snapshots of you look like? If you were able to take candids of yourself.”

She thought for a minute then showed him the pictures she had just taken. “Probably a lot like this. You make me feel… well you make me feel a lot of things. One of which happens to be total relaxation. I feel like I can just be. No act. No bullshit. Just me.”

“Good, cuz I happen to like just you a whole fuckin lot.”

~~~

Tag List (Leave a message at the beep)

@goeatsomelife​ @flameraine​ @cashtonasff5sos​ @here-for-the-uproars​ @cxddlyash​ @1-irwin-94​ @baldcalum​ @sparkling-chaos​ @tea4sykes​ @youngblood199456​ @5-seconds-of-obsession​

#snapshots and snapbacks #calum hood #calum hood fic #5sos #college!cal #galcal irwin

[lizardkingeliot]

Please tell us, if you can, if the new season of magicians is worth watching? after last season and Q, I basically had decided I was over it. But...elllllliot :( I'm very torn after how dirty they did us And even tho I love the other characters, almost dont want them to move on from Q bc how could they? lol it's good and healthy, yes, but irl makes me sad, dammit!! Anyways ~ new season, yay or nay? Please help? Thank you so much xo

This got salty (and spoilery) so under a cut it goes.

I don’t think I can give a simple yay or nay to this honestly. It’s been… okay? For what it is? I guess. But… it’s also had these moments of being so emotionally tone-deaf wrt certain things, I don’t know that I can trust them to do anything but let me down for the rest of the season. The first three episodes were very emotionally satisfying for me, and then episode four was… a mess. And five was… okay? It was a good set-up for episode six, which was… an episode that should have worked for me on every level. Eliot was literally in every scene, and Hale acted his face off as always, but when it was over I was just left feeling kind of… hollow????

And I think that’s about where I am with the season right now. Very hollow and… whatever. The anguish of the first three episodes has seemingly been washed away and it feels too easy, especially considering how they promoted this as the Season Of Grief. I mean, this show has always been a mess when it comes to tone and pacing and knowing how to make complex human emotions and experiences matter, and I always lowkey hope they’re going to learn and grow and get better and then they just… don’t.

Episode six by all accounts should have been the deepest dive into Eliot’s psyche that we’ve had yet, but by the end the hadn’t really dealt with anything, and erased most of what he was going through wrt his trauma from the Monster by having what he was being haunted by just being… Charlton trying to break out of his happy place. Which was a really cute scene! And I like Charlton a lot. But tonally it was weird, and it didn’t work in context, and they also did absolutely nothing to show us what he actually still has in his head from the Monster??? It’s just… a mess.

And what was probably the biggest letdown of episode six for me was that… Eliot??? Didn’t talk about Quentin at all???? They spent the first three episodes focusing on how much he was repressing wrt his feelings, and specifically lying to Margo about them, and then… when they finally had a talk about what was bothering him, it was just about the Monster???? And I guess you could argue that he’s still repressing a lot, and not ready to open up to her about that because it was already so hard telling Alice what little he did but… it was just so shallow and weird and empty that I couldn’t even enjoy them being soft and sweet together.

Also, they used the cottage door from the mosaic as a symbol! Which I guess… they think is just a general symbol for Eliot facing his fears but??? It’s so much more than that???? That door specifically represents Eliot and Quentin’s home, and the life they spent together, and Eliot opening himself up to his feelings for Quentin. And to use it in an episode where there was zero acknowledgement he was even thinking about him just… honestly makes me so mad.

Anyway, I guess this is all very on brand for them? Like, this is the team that entirely ignored the emotional impact of the mosaic for the rest of season 3 when it should have been the most profound experience of both their lives. This is the team that wrote that finale. They really have no idea how to balance consistent emotional states with being silly and ridiculous, so for all we know Eliot could be back to actually acting like he cared about Quentin next week???? I’m not holding out hope for that tho…

If I were you, I’d wait until the season is over, even though I get missing Eliot and wanting to watch it now. He’s honestly the only reason I’m sticking around at this point.

In conclusion: oof.

#Anonymous #this is a rambling mess but i'm so tired omg #i'm not putting this in the main tag it's so salty lmao #.. #... #.... #the magicians #the magicians season 5 #the magicians negativity

[elixir448]

All the wishes I’ve made during the countdown.

Hialriously, I made the same wish twice, which I’ve pointed out. I started wishing for stuff about halfway through the countdown. Gosh, hiatus was rough. I’m planning on crossing stuff out if they ever happen. Lol, as if. Here’s to a fab season everyone!

0 days – Can we all just be cool please?

1 day – Beth, Annie, Ruby and Rio all together at some point this season. Like in the same scene. I think this is one of the main reasons I miss the drops in season 1.

2 days – More Judith and Beth scenes (totally inspired by what Christina dropped in her interview) where they have thinly veiled yet profound conversations about how much men suck.

3 days – Getaway car scene. I don’t care if it’s the girls or Beth and Rio speeding away from a scene. Or Beth speeding away along. I just think it would be cool.

4 days – Rio playing Turner. I think we all have a feeling that Rio’s going to use Turner to clear the board and it would make a lot of sense.

5 days – Beth not being able to hold a gun. Until the moment where she can.  

6 days – Beth and Rio openly yelling at each other, like in 2x07, and getting all in their feels for each other.

7 days – More flashbacks to Beth, Ruby and Annie’s lives. Doesn’t even need to be to when they were kids. I would love to see a flashback to Annie finding out she was pregnancy or Beth going through post-partum depression.

8 days – Beth touching Rio’s tattoo(s). I don’t think this will ever happen but I can dream. Like can you imagine her touching or kissing his neck? Or any of his other tattoos WHEN they have sex again?

9 days – Can I get Beth recklessly driving her car? We saw that chaotic energy in 1x01 but then she just point blank refuses to get tickets haha.

10 days - Beth and Rio in each other’s cars. We had it in 1x05, 2x02 and 2x12 but I want it again! And look, I’m not saying that they need to have sex in each other’s cars. I mean, I wouldn’t say no...it would be nice. It definitely doesn’t need to happen though.

11 days - I seriously doubt this will happen but Beth and Agent Turner having a drink together. I don’t care that they’re antagonists, I feel like they genuinely get such a kick out of each other. I want to see this even if it’s just Beth drinking and Agent Turner crashing her alone time and then he orders a drink too. Give me all the snarky banter!

12 days - Beth and Rio panting against each other’s mouths again. Rio furrowing his brow. Can you believe that they were so overcome that this is what they did in 2x09?

13 days - Protect Stan and Ruby. Manny saying that he’s super excited for Stan’s storyline has stressed me the hell out. Please just let the Hills be okay! I want Stan to have an awesome storyline but I’m not sure I’m ready to see my bbs in pain.

14 days (REPEATED WISH) - Rio pushing Beth’s hair out of her face (haha, he’s not even pushing it away, he just wants to touch her). You know what would kill me? If he reaches towards her and starts to push her hair away and catches himself. And then gets annoyed with her and with himself.

15 days - I really, really, really want there to be a moment where Beth and Rio team up against a common enemy. And we know that’s going to happen in some way from what Manny has said about them being forced to worked together this season. What I mean is, I want there to be a scene where they come together (and it’s not quite forced) and turn on someone and then that person realises they’ve fucked it.

16 days - I kind of wonder what would happen if one of the kids started to clock on to the shady stuff their parents are involved with. Sara had that last year and Sadie kind of had it when she called Annie out for always lying. I kind of wonder if Sadie will question how Annie gets the money to pay for her hormone blocker medication? I guess I want a scene where Sadie realises that something’s not right.

17 days - A scene between Rio and Dean. Oooooffft. Imagine how loaded it would be. Rio resisted spilling the beans in front of Dean at the end of 2x04 because Beth asked him not to. There’s nothing much stopping him now, aside from the fact that he potentially regards Dean as inconsequential and he may want to keep certain aspects of his relationship with Beth to himself. Hmmmm…i’m not really sure. Regardless, I want a scene!

18 days - Oh god. A significant moment where Beth sees the scars on Rio’s chest, from the gunshot wounds she inflicted. I don’t know if this will happen but I can picture it as either:

1. A taunt from Rio to Beth. Him wanting to see the guilt on her face, to drag up the trauma she’s been trying to suppress, to show her that there’s no way she can run away from what she did because he himself is a constant reminder and that he carries the scars that represent what she is capable of, something she spent a huge chunk of their relationship denying.

2. A fragile moment of tenderness, guilt and longing. Omg. Give me Beth kissing Rio’s scars.

19 days - Beth and Rio eating together. Not Rio eating and Beth refusing to eat or them drinking together, although I need more of both of those things too. Both of them eating at the same time in one another’s company. Even if they are angrily eating together haha. I’ll take it.

20 days - (again, inspired by the shooting in the hotel, specifically in the bathroom) Repeat bathroom sex. That’s it. This show loves it’s parallels so give it to me!!!!

21 days - Beth and Rio pushing each other out of harm’s way. Oh my god. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do to make that happen. Imagine they’re being shot at and they start scrambling to push the other person behind some cover.

22 days – (totally inspired by the new info about shooting for 3x09 taking place at the Millenium Biltmore hotel) Beth and Rio somewhere fancy or semi-fancy. Even if it’s just work related, which it definitely would be lol. And then it’ll probably all go to shit.

23 days - I am sooooo excited for the show to dip its toes into “the adult world”. I feel like that sounds patronising but I absolutely don’t mean for it to sound that way. The show deals with a lot of adult concepts, such as misogyny, disillusionment, boredom with the life you’re living etc. And it’s amazing in that it does so in such a dynamic, fun way that doesn’t detract from how serious the issues are but just highlights that a lot of us have these problems but just kind of continue to bumble along living our lives.

What I mean by “the adult world” is related to the strip club that has been theorised to be Stan’s place of employment in season 3. I didn’t really think we would see something like this in GG and it makes me happy that doors seem to be opening into parts of the world we haven’t seen before in the show. I dunno, I just really want to see how it’s included in the wider storyline. Like, will the girls wash cash through it? Haha, I kind of just want to see all 3 of the girls in the strip club and how they act in there.

24 days - Will we ever find out what happened to Beth and Annie’s parents? I really want to know! Are they alive, dead, divorced, together?

25 days - Beth playing piano. I seriously doubt it will ever happen other than in fanfic but I want to see it. And Beth singing. So basically, Beth playing piano and singing.

26 days - A really heartfelt scene where Beth looks at Marcus and thinks of Rio. Maybe sees some of Rio’s traits in him and she just looks and OMG THE PAIN.

Seriously though, who thinks:

(1) Marcus is going to recognise Beth and she will explain to Rhea that she met Rio and Marcus in the park.

(2) The writers ignore the fact that Marcus should recognise Beth and Rhea thinks that this is literally Beth’s first time meeting Marcus.

27 days - Ruby and Annie realising who Rhea is and what Beth is doing. Even though it looks like a great storyline and I’m excited to see it unfold, it’s super unhealthy and deceitful behaviour. I wonder if Rhea will ever find out who Beth really is?

28 days - You know what? Screw it! I want to wake up to the trailer. Bye.

29 days - Ruby and Annie becoming aware of the nature of Beth and Rio’s relationship. Pretty sure I’ve done a wish like this before (wanting Annie and Ruby to call Beth out for feeling relieved that Rio is alive). But I’d really like to see them realise that Beth and Rio’s relationship was far more complex than just sex and eye fucking.

30 days - Beth feeling sad about Rio. Sitting on the couch thinking about him. Lying in bed thinking about him. Going to the park and thinking about him. Standing in front of the fridge and thinking about him. Looking at the picnic bench and thinking about him.

31 days - Rio’s boys knowing what’s up between him and Beth. I loooove it whenever people realise or know what’s going on between the two of them and are either confused, horrified or amused by it.

32 days - Can we meet another crime boss or kingpin? I wonder if that would make the season too crowded since there already seem to be quite a few new characters and a lot going on because of the fallout from season 2. I just really want to meet someone else who is actually dangerous to the girls. I think Rio can be dangerous to the girls, especially now, but he and Beth have a lot of history and that affects how he interacts with her.

33 days - More Gretchen! She was under utilised in season 2. I’m not sure why but maybe they filmed scenes and decided to cut them out after. With everything going on with Rio and Jimmy, it only makes sense that she’ll be in the picture.

34 days - Flashback to Rio teaching Beth how to use a gun. “Just like we practiced.”

35 days - Sadie with Dakota. Annie with Dakota. Nancy with Dakota. Beth with Dakota. Greg with Dakota. I want a baby on the show other than Mary Pat’s!!

36 days - I really, really want a moment where Beth and Rio are standing or sitting next to each other. We had it in 2x03 in the park but they were sitting on different benches haha. We also had it when they were sitting in eachothers’ cars. And again in 2x08 with the picnic bench scene (I could ugly cry just thinking about it). They are so often depicted standing opposite one another (even in 2x04 and 2x09), positioned as though they are semi-antagonists sometimes and as equals at others.

I just want something where either:

1. They are standing next to one another against a common enemy. Like, on the same side. I can picture them joining forces, even if it’s just temporarily, against a common enemy. Maybe even permanently if it’s at the end of the season? (Or season 4?)

Or

2. They are sitting next to one another watching something in front of them. Maybe they’re sitting talking about business and then it shifts into something quiet and content, like watching Jane and Marcus play in the park. And then just turning to look at each other with something on their faces.

37 days - At some point in the season, Rio pushing Beth’s hair off of her face (bahaha, he’s never actually pushing her hair off her face, he just wants to touch her). Maybe it’ll be towards the end of the season when their has been some kind of resolution or tentative healing between them. Or maybe it’ll be because he can’t quite help himself. Or maybe he’ll be in the middle of doing it before he even realises.

38 days - Backstory for how Rhea and Rio met and got together. How much she knows about his life and why they split up. Maybe some info about his family and his real name (I do actually like Christopher now).

39 days - Annie, Ruby and Rio scenes. We were robbed I tell you!!!! I would have killed to see more of them in 2x10 and I’m holding out hope for season 3. It’ll be so interesting, as neither Annie or Ruby shot Rio. And I think they’re going to be really curious as to why Beth and Rio are still undoubtedly going to be orbiting around one another. I just need some scenes where Annie and Ruby are scared but then it shifts into them hesitating to ask him questions and then just borderline interrogating him.

40 days - A major Beth and Dean confrontation. Like, something that absolutely drags all of his wrongdoings out and lays them on the table. If he tries to make excuses, I want her to call him out and absolutely wreck him. If he tries to flip it around and blame her, I hope she completely obliterates him. Fuck that guy.

41 days - Sadie and Sara in scenes together. And like basically parenting the other kids. These two have such strong presences on screen, I need them in a scene together. You know they would kill it. Also, Beth and Ruby are besties and Annie is Beth’s sister but we never really see their kids interact with one another.

42 days - Beth in a dress at least 4 times OR those t-shirts that she wears when she’s in the house chilling (I specifically remember the grey one in 2x07 and the pink one in 2x10). And Rio seeing her all of those times. More up and down looks regardless of what she’s wearing. Can you imagine though? Given the weight of their history, it almost being a habit, can’t quite help himself, doesn’t actually care because he likes looking and it sets her off kilter.

43 days - Dean moving out at some point and a divorce. I mean, all that stuff costs money but please don’t drag it out. At the very least, I need this to happen before the end of season 3. Like, if this doesn’t happen, the chat that Beth and Dean had with the kids in season 2 would have meant nothing.

44 days - An indication at some point that Beth is relieved that Rio’s alive, rather than just scared. Like maybe she says it to him towards the end of the season or Annie or Ruby call her out for looking at him a certain way or for her conflicted feelings, given that he’s probably going to be spending this season terrorising them.

45 days - More Nancy and Annie scenes. Maybe with Annie helping out with Dakota or giving advice. And then Nancy helping Annie navigate stuff with Sadie.

46 days- Beth doing something to protect or help Rio, maybe even save his life. Not because she wants anything in return but because she doesn’t want to see him hurt or in trouble anymore. I low-key think that towards the end of the season she might do something to help him and, as a result, it’s pretty clear that what’s going on between them is more than how fucked up their relationship is inevitably going to be throughout most of the season. Haha, I’m probs wrong though.

47 days- Beth and Rio have angry sex. On a table. Or anywhere really.

48 days - Can Dean just get what’s coming? I’m sorry but it wasn’t enough that he was shot, especially with all the shit he did in season 2. And please bring up the cancer lie. I just need retribution. Anything. PLEASE.

49 days - Actual mental health consequences for Beth after being kidnapped and shooting Rio. There’s no way anyone could walk away from that unscathed, especially since she cared about him. The show’s touched on issues like binge eating and post-partum depression and I’m curious to see if and how they can incorporate anxiety disorders, like PTSD. I need at least one scene where Beth experiences a physiological fight or flight reaction or wakes up from a nightmare or has a flashback or hypervigilance. Just something to acknowledge that it’s normal to walk away from trauma and not be okay afterwards.

50 days - No more paying people off unless it actually makes sense or will work.

51 days – (POTENTIAL SPOILER) An extremely satisfying scene where Boomer dies. From the spoilers, it looks like Rio’s gonna be shooting someone in front of the girls. Please God, let it be Boomer. It would be amazing if he shot Boomer and Annie just had a total non-reaction or wasn’t frightened.

52 days - Please god, Rio interacting with Beth’s kids again and Beth interacting with Marcus. I especially need to see him interacting with Jane since it looks like Marcus is her bestie.

53 days - More scenes with Beth and Turner. For me at least, their scenes were some of my favourites in season 2. The way that Turner’s always chasing after Beth, trying to pin her for something and how she’s always getting away and sassing him. And, oh my god, I really want their reunion in season 3 to be good.

54 days - More context for Rio’s actions. Now that Rio is presumably going to be working with Turner, I feel like we need more scenes of Rio, out with Beth and the girls, for plot progression. It’s fun theorising on Tumblr and reading explanations in fic but I need the show to help him make sense. The show is about the girls and should always be but I need some things to make more sense.

55 days - With Beth becoming her own boss, I really want some doors to open into the dark underbelly of Detroit. I want to meet new characters who are criminals and who the girls have to be really weary of when they’re navigating their new business.

56 days - I really wanna see Annie, Ruby and Beth interact more with each other’s kids but, more than that, I want to see Stan with Sadie and with Beth’s kids because talk about wholesome.

57 days - The return of Beth’s pearls. I don’t even care what the context is at this point but I would die if we had either:

1. Rio using the pearls as a way of fucking with Beth when she thinks he’s still dead / using them to announce that he’s not dead

2. A Rio POV scene where we see him take out the pearls from wherever he keeps them and like touch or hold them and then the show cuts to a scene with Beth (this will never happen in a million years but I can dream)

58 days - A scene where Turner tells Rio about Beth’s lie in 1x05. I kind of picture a scene where Turner is being snarky about it but also failing to hide his curiosity as to whether or not anything ever happened between them. The other scenario I picture this happening in is Turner slowly realising over a few episodes that Rio and Beth had more than just a “work” relationship and he tells the story just to see Rio’s reaction.

#nbc good girls #wishes for season 3 #gg season 3 #beth x rio

[dearmyblank]

Dear E,

There are two options. Neither is very good, for me anyway. Option 1, you don't even really know me, never thought of me, and thus have zero feelings about me one way or the other. Under option 1, not only was I wrong, but probably also a little crazy for ever even believing we had a chance, and I need to get help.

Option 2 is worse. You do know me. You know what I've said, you know how I've felt, and you were and are fully aware that I am utterly captivated and incapacitated by you. Under option 2, either you knew how I felt and used it to your advantage, used it to play with my emotions for laughs, or maybe it made you uncomfortable and anxious, maybe it repulsed you. I think option 2 is more likely, because there were times it felt like you were reaching out, like you were - sometimes - making a genuine effort to convey a message, or - God forbid - connect.

But again, my mind has a tendency to lie to me, and it is more than possible, likely even, that I saw and read into things that weren't there. That said, it was always just a little too easy to do that with you. From the moment I found myself being drawn into that joyful glow that seemed to radiate from you, every little bit I learned made me fall harder. I started getting nervous, like, really nervous, because I had made a pact with myself to never let myself feel that way again. I had lowered the gates and bolted them shut and I was sure that no one was getting in. Yes, it's an immature and cynical reaction and a tad cliche, given, but I just couldn't take another break. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but with love, somehow each time made me weaker, and I knew - deep down to my core, I knew - I wouldn't survive it this time.

And I want you to know that I did my best to fight it, I swear I did. I didn't want this, precisely because I knew I would just end up back here. Again. But I couldn't resist you. Because I was always the darkness, somehow poisoning everyone around me with my idiosyncratic brand of highly-rationalized misery, pushing everyone away until they confirmed what I had always known; I deserve to be alone. But somehow, with you, it didn't work. You infected me with your light.

I know how corny and ridiculous it is to speak in abstractions but the truth is I don't know any other way to describe the way you made me feel. Every time I saw you, I smiled. Not the forced, fake smile I usually clenched through when trying to convince everyone that everything's ok, but a genuine, honest-to-God joyful smile that I don't think I'd smiled since my parents took my to Disneyworld when I was 4 years old. I would listen to you talk and it felt like Christmas morning, I just wanted to sit there with you for hours.

I wanted to know you, know everything about you, your hopes, your fears, your dreams, your anxieties, the things that make you laugh, the things that make you cry. I wanted to know the things that made you smile and I wanted to spend every moment doing them for you. I already saw how beautiful you were on the outside, but the more I learned about the person underneath, the more I saw an even more profound beauty inside, the harder it was to resist and push down the way you were making me feel. In my lowest moment, when I was more helpless and resigned than I had ever been, you gave me hope. And it terrified me.

Because I had learned and trained myself to manage my hopelessness, but now that you had lit that spark again, it could be taken away. All of a sudden, my broken and battered heart was beating again, and it was in your hands. And I had no idea how you felt, and no way of knowing. And I know that it's entirely my fault for putting myself into that situation, and how crazy and irrational I was being, trust me, I know. But you have no idea how scary that feels (or maybe you do), to have someone else have that power over you; with the slightest whisper you could send me soaring or plummeting down.

I was stuck. I tried to block you out, to put you out of my mind, to protect myself from the inevitable. But every time I tried to pull away, the universe would somehow push me back towards you. You would pop up when I least expected, at the moments when I was most trying to avoid thinking about you. You had one of the most important moments in your life, at a place that I had made it a mission to religiously avoid (for many reasons that didn't have to do with you), and somehow, completely by accident, I showed up at the exact perfect time to witness your moment.

I knew my history of reading into things. I tried to be cautious. But it started to feel like fate. Partly because of the "signs," but mostly because part of me wanted desperately to believe it was. It felt out of my control, and with no one else in my life to pull me away, I started falling deeper. I dreamt about you. I fantasized about places we would go together, conversations we would have, the way I would hold your hand when I sensed you were feeling nervous and gently kiss your knuckles, the way you would make fun of me when I started over-analyzing things. I started seeing your name, your face, everywhere. I started planning how to reorganize my career and make my way to you.

I started believing that maybe, just maybe, this time, I was right. Maybe just this once, my compass had finally pointed me in the right direction. I wasn't in love with you, I mean, I couldn't be, right? But I felt love for you, I felt a deep affection and I knew that I would do anything for you. Whatever it took, I would move heaven and earth to get to you. Because you were it. The diamond in the haystack, the once-in-a-lifetime, one-in-a-million, doesn't-happen-twice kind of love.

I've never been a religious person, or particularly faithful. I'm stubbornly rational (usually) and cynical and there's very few things I ever let myself believe in. But now, as much as my rational mind kept fighting it and telling me it was impossible, that it would just end the same way as the last, that someone like you could never love something as broken as me... A part of me suddenly had faith, for the first time in my life, that we could work. As self-destructive as it actively felt to believe, I believed we could be soulmates. That the universe was pushing us together because we were meant for each other, drawn to each other. There was just something about you that clicked, and again, for the first time in my life, I felt connected to someone. And I truly believed you felt it too.

Then it happened. Two nights ago, I finally decided to let go of my doubts and just give in. Because screw it, life is a miserable train ride to a single destination and I was sick and tired of sitting in the back car, staring through the partition at you. I don't care if this world is content burning itself to ashes, because none of it matters if we're together. I'd rather die after a short meaningful life than live an eternity in a meaningless one. And for a brief moment in time, you gave my life meaning, without even knowing it, you did. I will always be grateful to you for that.

Then I opened up my phone and saw it. A sparkly diamond on your finger and his arm around you.

Ouch.

The worst part is, I have no one to blame but myself. Why would I do this to myself, knowing full well how it would end? Why would I let myself be so stupid, again, when a lifetime of experience should have taught me better by now? I'm a fairly intelligent person, or so people tell me, and I am often, frequently, annoyingly, right about things. It bothers my friends incessantly. But I have never been right about this. When it comes to love, I'm as crazy stupid as it gets, and my compass is as broken as I am.

The first truth, which I have to accept, is that I just love wrong. The way I love is wrong. The second truth, which is a lot harder to accept but equally true, is that maybe I'm just not a person someone can love. There's just something about me I guess.

The problem is, I don't know if I can live without it. It's the only thing in life that I've ever been able to find meaning in. When I was a kid, I didn't dream about being a superhero or a firefighter, I dreamt about falling in love. Lol, it's actually kind of a hilarious irony when you think about it; it's all I've ever wanted to do. I figured out at a very early age that love, human connection, real intimacy, is the only thing in life that has any real value. Without it, all the other stuff is just... well, stuff.

I read an article recently that had an interview with Bill Gates, and he said that he learned from Warren Buffet to measure the value of his life and success by asking himself one important question: How many of the people you love, love you back? There's something hauntingly rational and poignant in that.

Unfortunately, that leaves me in the unenviable position of accepting that my own life is basically worthless. No one I've loved has ever loved me back. And that's okay. It's not the world's fault, and it's definitely not their fault for not loving me back. It's just a basic and undeniable cruelty of life that some people just aren't meant to be loved (at least romantically), and I just happen to be one of them.

I just wish I hadn't let myself believe it with you. But something about you made me believe you were the rare kind of person who might be capable of seeing me differently than the rest of them, of seeing my humanity where others saw only a jaded misanthrope. And God knows I would have loved you so much it would have been sickeningly sweet, like a child loves Christmas morning. ;-)

But it is what it is. I promise, I'm done now, with all of it. I want to say I'm happy for you, but I don't want to lie, right now, I'm still a little crushed. You were the last string of hope I had left, and I was clinging to it for dear life. I didn't even need it to become anything real, but just the possibility that it could was enough to keep me going, to give me purpose, to delay me accepting the inevitable.

Still, I wish there was a way I could ask you, I wish there was a way you could tell me; did you ever feel anything for me? Affection? Friendship? Respect? Did you ever think about me? Of course it's perfectly fine if you didn't, it would make perfect sense. No matter what the answer was, it wouldn't change anything one way or the other. It's just, I felt all these things, this clusterfuck of amazing emotions that I put out into the universe... I guess I just want to know if it made a difference, if it had any impact... on anything. 

I will say this: No matter how you see me, I hope you'll believe me when I tell you that you are a one-in-a-million, beautiful, quirky, confident, talented, amazing woman, with eyes as deep an ocean and a smile that instantly light up a room, who owns her uniqueness with such magnetic grace that everyone that sees you wants to be like you. And in this world of bland, average prototype personalities, you deserve a guy who knows just how rare you are. It's why everyone is drawn to you, it's why I was drawn to you. You're everything I'm not.

I'm not the kind of guy who "fights" for the girl if she's with someone else. As much of a hopeless romantic as I am, when someone makes their choice, I think that should be respected. And besides, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with me. That said, if you ever gave me the slightest hint that you wanted me to, I would fight like hell for you. Cause you're fucking worth it.

I hate goodbyes, so I'll end on a farewell well-suited for imaginary love stories best left to the movies...

Here's lookin' at you kid,

-K

#dearmyblank #dear my blank #e #k #r #s #submission

[quarantingz]

oop mind dump(!), half-baked thoughts (!), usual confusion(!), being busy(!), efficiency(!), procrastination(!) & none of the above(!)

enjoy :))

[written on] 7 april, tuesday

[intended to post on] 7 april, tuesday

[intended to post 2.0 on] 8 april, wednesday

[finally posted, after much procrastination and probably just laziness, on] 9 april, thursday

Hi there!

With a lack of a profound statement to start off this entry, I’ll just say this…my mind is as scattered and non-sensical as ever! What’s new?

Second coffee in, I’m thinking about, as the title suggests, a lot of things (with as much caffeinated enthusiasm as it suggests)! I definitely didn’t think I was going to be writing a post today because I thought yesterday’s entry [monday’s] was heavy enough that I could simmer and ponder over it for a while longer. But I guess, as things go, and because I naturally must write things down, I need to write everything that’s going on in my head right now - before I forget, but also so I can pRoCeSs it :)

I will definitely not get through everything I think I want to write about in this one post, and for the sake of keeping it short and still somewhat legible and engaging, I will try my best. Maybe I will do a part two (??). Hmmm maybe I won’t haha. We’ll see how this goes.

Here we go…enjoy…

So as I was swinging my arms and getting a good stretch of the legs on our family “night” walk yesterday, Tali asked me, “did you have a good day today?”. It was a simple question and one I always answer with a “yeah kinda, did a few things, wish I did more, but tomorrow will be better!”. I like looking on the bright side, but it really got me thinking about what it means to be busy and how society has placed a lot of emphasis on it currently.

I recently read an article on It’s Nice That called, “You are More than Your Output”, which was an interesting read on this idea of “busyness”, the pressures on what we do for a living, self-definition from this and our relationship with work. Oosh, it was confronting and I definitely needed to discuss this with someone further. So of course I decided to send it to Gwen, Cullz and Paulz (there’s something so comforting and encouraging to know that I have people in my life who creatively challenge and most importantly, understand my journey as a creative, post-graduation).

Twas good discussions and what they said was so so good (got my brain juices flowing for sure), but I want to briefly touch on this topic and my thoughts about this…I love being busy, in fact, as I’ve mentioned before, I thrive off being busy. As bizarre as it sounds, I’m almost like an adrenaline junkie who gets off of busy schedules and long lists of TO-DOs. I like to ambitiously jam-pack my day with the most things I can do and “tick off” in ONE day. Sounds overwhelming and you’re probably thinking I’ll burn out eventually and I won’t always like this once I have a full-time job. But for now, I like that feeling. It makes me be and feel productive. And although I regularly remind my friends to take a break and relax in order to rejuvenate, I can’t seem to take this advice myself. I constantly feel like I’ve drunk five cups of coffee within 20 minutes, so my heart usually feels like it’s going to beat its way out of my chest, and my mind is so full, it’s almost incomprehensible and confusing.

Anyway, back to productivity…this feeling is probably the reason why I struggle with self-love a lot - if I’m not achieving everything on my list, I’m not being productive enough, it is not a “good day” and I’m not…“succeeding” in life. Which again, is all about MINDSET, people!

Yes, everything does comes with balance, prioritising and re-evaluating what’s the most important things in life at any given time. Sorry, but I feel like this entry will just raise more questions and half-baked thoughts (ha, managed to tick that off the list!), than actually solving anything.

I guess what I want to touch on here, is not so much on the debate about whether you should be busy or not, it’s more about dismantling these personal-constructs that we have in our minds…

Ahhh, another topic to elaborate on (solely) for another time I guess (…??).

*** SIDE-NOTE (COZ WE LOVE A SIDE-NOTE) ***

Right now [tuesday, 2.40pm], my eldest sister sits on the La-Z-Boy, rocking back and forth trying to write a new idea for a new script. My dad too, sits facing the same way as her towards the ranch slider and garden, bowl of sweet mung bean soup in hand, relaxing in a foldable picnic chair for his “break”. I can’t help but smile at this scene and feel very happy and content in where I am right now. It also makes me chuckle at the contrast of their peaceful reflections with my scattered mind and furious typing. My frantic fingers almost echo in the quiet space that is my living room. I like this. I had only wanted to write one word down for this entry before I forgot it (then finish this piece tomorrow, when I felt like it), but here I am having written over one page long. I’m also not listening to music, which is rare for me as I like dwelling in the emotions and vibe of the music while I write - it helps me as you know by now. But in this moment, it’s just Tema, my dad, me, my typing and my silent scattered thoughts.

*** END OF SIDE-NOTE (ACTUALLY A SMALL APPRECIATIVE-NOTE) ***

Back to the point…the mere act of typing furiously on my keyboard (ooh links!) actually makes me feel busy and definitely makes me look busy. When someone says, “oh Alyssa, you’re always so busy” or “bro, when are YOU free?”, it kind of makes me feel good - that I’m somehow “succeeding” in life because I actually have things to do. But isn’t it all superficial and just an appearance? Because in my mind, I’m not achieving as much as I want to do within a day or week. Anyway, maybe that’s why a lot of people, even myself, give into this idea of busyness - because we’re fed this belief that to be “successful”, means that we not only occupy ourselves to the max, but we look the part too. That’s apparent in any bustling city, like Auckland, or London and Paris. People are constantly moving and doing things. These cities never sleep and apparently that idea means those cities and people are thriving and being “successful”.

I guess another aspect I want to discuss is the idea of efficiency. For some reason, that word is so mockable, but maybe that’s just because my boyfriend uses that word excessively and I like to laugh at him (because he’s silly, not because I’m a bully, woah, CHILL). So to be busy, and therefore “successful” is also associated with being efficient. Which also relates to B, who applies lip balm VERY STRANGELY, but efficiently…he applies it by swiping the stick across his top and bottom lip at the same time, followed by a giddy “EFFICIENCY G!” EVERY. TIME. This is quite like the idea of “killing two birds with one stone”. The idea of doing the most you can and preferably at the same time in order to optimise time. It also links with the saying, “time is of the essence”. Because we have such a limited time on Earth, people feel like they have to fill everyday and every waking hour doing something - or else we feel unproductive and ultimately a “failure”. I’m not saying everyone feels like this (I do), or that efficiency is stupid and entirely negative. I think it’s entirely individual and lies within our perceptions of the things we actually do and hope to do. Everything is relative (??).

Which brings me to the subject of procrastination. For example, in the span it has taken me to write this blog post, I’ve made myself a bowl of plain porridge for my late 2pm lunch (oop photo reference - twas really nice actually), a toastie with salami, sweet thai chilli sauce, harissa sauce and a lot of pepper (odd mix I know), which I had at 4pm, but now consider as my dinner coz now I’m stuffeddddd. I’ve also made hummus (which I think I want to write about next - there’s a metaphor in there that I want to exploit lol) for the fam, folded all of the whites and made the cinnamon apple filling for Tema and I’s mini pies. Talk about procrastination…see here, maybe this isn’t “procrastination”!

The issue lies in how we prioritise and give importance to certain things in our life. And in this case, I’m still being “busy”, but my perception of what I’ve done is that these are menial tasks - they are of lesser importance and priority compared to other things on my to-do list. Again, it is all relative. This comparison between certain things we do is what makes us fall into this trap of self-punishment and “failure” (again, maybe it’s just me). So when we do the thing that seems less important, we consequently feel unproductive . But I had been meaning to make hummus since last week, and I intended to eat lunch at 12.30pm, but got too busy looking through some design concepts for my friend, AND I was meant to fold the whites so my dad could have a clean set of singlets for this week. And lol, I wanted to make pie filling because we all craved something sweet (can’t we just do things just coz?). Looking over these, all of them are important! But why do we prioritise our jobs as so and essentially, degrade our life choices??!

Okay, I think I’m going to wrap this up because there’s no point to this entry anymore. But it was interesting to type out all these random thoughts and somehow try to weave them together. But as always, this is just a ramble. You're confused, I’m confused, we’re ALL confused.

(Or maybe I wanted to see whether you could keep up with my 100 mph train of thoughts hehe)

So to tie everything up in a big, definitely-not-an-indecisive-red-or-maybe-blue-nah-feelin-green-now-BOW…be busy, don’t be busy. Procrastinate, don’t procrastinate. BUT, be kinder to yourself. You don’t have to be busy nor productive - give yourself some slack, you’re doing the best you can! So practice SeLf-LoVe.

You owe yourself thatttt much :)

p.s. I think this post was more me procrastinating about writing and posting, because clearly, I took my time procrastinating and eventually posting three days later than when I first wrote this.

Anyway, have a great day y’all (productive or busy or none of the above)!

- a

[incoramsanctissimo]

So..you can answer this privately or post (or not answer at all lol). Up to you. But I just saw your tags in a post about pregnancy that said you don't mind sharing about your experience. Could you just talk a bit about your pregnancy, giving birth, breast feeding, raising a baby and being married? I realize that's like so much lol I just want to hear it from a young faithful Catholic woman. Thanks in advance :)

Absolutely! I’ll answer publicly in case anyone else is curious, plus I’m not really a particularly private person.

I tried to add the break but don’t know how to do it on mobile. I’m sorry guys, cause this is looooong. Scroll past if you don’t want to read a bunch of uncomfortable personal stuff.

First of all an unfortunate but essential part of the story is that I did not act as “a young faithful catholic woman” in the beginning, and it had a profound effect on all the rest. I’m not sure a person is supposed to broadcast their sins like this, but it’s essential to the story. I got pregnant a month before my wedding, which had been moved up from May to October in part because my fiancé and I were really, really failing in the whole chastity department and judged it best to just get married. AFTER that decision, I became pregnant. I started throwing up and feeling miserable and exhausted at four weeks, and got married at about five. It was not fun, guys. As soon as I saw that positive test I fully realized how irresponsible I had been and fully regretted my actions. I was constantly nauseated and threw up most days, couldn’t keep down liquids (so bad dehydration) and was deathly, deathly tired. Because of the hormones, I would feel nothing but a vague depression all day and then all of a sudden at bedtime burst into tears because I “couldn’t take it” or I had some worry about the baby’s future, though at that point I didn’t feel much emotion towards her of any kind. I was working a job I hated too, full time with an hour drive, and I had only gotten four days off the week of my wedding. I have to give my husband so much credit for the way he handled entering the married state with a pregnant, emotionally needy and physically drained wife. I was not in a bridal frame of mind at all and he just took it in stride. I had a much harder time adjusting to the married state. By the way, we were living in a large room in a house shared between my husband and two other guys, one of whom was the nightmare roommate par excellence.

In my second trimester things got a little better. I was able to eat more than pizza rolls and smoothies (yes, those were my 1st trimester foods), I quit my job and got a part time that was much much better, found out I was having a girl and began to actually feel a bond between me and the tiny bump that was starting to wriggle and press inside me: I had enough mental health to handle my husband getting laid off a week after I quit and to actually be some consolation to him for the month that neither of us had a job.

As the third trimester approached my baby was diagnosed with IUGR, Intrauterine Growth Restriction. They said the placenta wasn’t working correctly. I started throwing up again and having super painful episodes of what I thought was just really bad acid reflux. I got an average of four hours of interrupted sleep per night. I went for my 30 week appointment and told the midwife I was working a nine-hour shift that day, and she wanted me to call out but I wouldn’t. The next morning when my husband got up at five he found me curled up on the couch just crying because everything hurt so bad and I was so tired and I just really didn’t see how I could take much more. I called my mom and told her my symptoms and she said it sounded like preeclampsia. Then I called my best friend, who’s a nurse, and she told me to go to the hospital RIGHT NOW. Finally I did, though in retrospect I should probably not have been driving. When I finally got seen they took one look at my blood pressure and rushed me into the l&d emergency ward, where they had me iv’d and cathetered and being pumped full of magnesium before I knew what was happening. I asked when I’d be able to leave and they said “when that baby’s out of you.” I had severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome and I spent the next two weeks in the hospital. That day was Good Friday. I was supposed to make it to 34 weeks and then induction but two weeks in I had a night of the worst pain I’d ever had, and blood pressure they couldn’t keep down, and my liver was swollen and my kidneys were about ready to go, so they started the induction. The baby was struggling under the stress of the forced labor so I was once again rushed through the hospital in a bed to surgery and they performed an emergency C-section. Luckily my husband had gotten there earlier that day. He baptized our daughter as soon as she came out and I got to see her later on in the NICU. Her face and head were covered by a breathing machine and her body was so, so thin and tiny, but I knew she was beautiful. When I got to hold her for the first time she instantly became the whole world to me, and I was vaguely surprised at how painful it could be to have someone be your whole world — I had thought I loved my husband deeply but this is a whole new thing. She was in the NICU for five weeks and leaving the hospital without her was awful, but I visited every day and just held her against my skin for hours. She had a feeding tube and I wasn’t able to start breastfeeding her until about four weeks later, but when I finally was allowed to I was so proud of myself and her. I still love feeding her, I feel like it’s almost a way of communicating between us. I feed her everywhere and hope I can help normalize it even a little.

Our baby finally came home at what would have been 38 weeks and it was so exciting and so scary. I had of necessity unofficially quit my job when I was admitted to the hospital so now all of a sudden I was a stay at home mom, in a new house and a new town because we had moved to the country with my husband’s cousin literally the day I gave birth (thank goodness for helpful family members). I just spent my days cuddling and feeding my tiny one. She loves snuggles and in the early days refused to be put down, so I had her in my arms for about 19 hours a day. (I often wear her in a baby wrap, and it is a sanity-saver.) I still had episodes of that same pain I had experienced before I gave birth, and for a long time they were really bad, like screaming-into-a-pillow bad. My husband took me to the ER twice but they couldn’t find anything and it’s gradually gotten much more manageable. After a while I started feeling better overall and seriously taking on the responsibility of the cooking and the house as well, but I still spend a lot of time cuddling, feeding, singing and reading to my little girl, and I think it’s good for her. I don’t want her to ever, ever have the possibility of feeling unwanted or unloved, because even though I wasn’t quite ready for her and she put me through more physical and mental suffering than I thought I could handle — and in the process destroyed all my cute little mental images of maternity — I am truly and honestly so honored to have been granted participation in creating this beautiful, unique, new human being. I had read stuff about the dignity of sex but I didn’t really understand it until after she was born and I could fully appreciate that what we did led to this whole new person, with a personality and attachments and preferences and talents. And the best part? After my body and brain are (hopefully) completely healed, this privilege is granted to my husband and me not just once, but God willing many times over, and I am happy to go through it all again for another tiny human, because in more ways than I have words to say, it is worth it.

#personal #pregnancy #marriage #babies #@that-classic-book-junkie #is that what you meant? #i’ll happily answer any more questions if you made it through that wall of text #i enjoy talking about myself probsbly too mucj lol #also someone plz tell me how to do the text break

[swanqiu]

things i like to know about rp partners.

FILL IN:

i like to be called: ess

my favorite color is: dark blue

gender: female

one thing you should know about me: i’m pretty deliberate in my writing; i like depth and layers to text. if you’ve noticed, i like to give titles to my threads (unless my partner’s already titled it), and i like there to be some weight or meaning reflected in whatever name i give. i take my time choosing a title, focusing on an aspect of my partner’s starter that i think might nicely sum up the entire thread or direction i’m intending to go with my subsequent replies. my replies usually take longer to finish because i take great care in making sure that my sentences sound the way i intend and that there’s a fluency to the rhythm of my replies (if that makes sense lol). i try to make sure that what i write aligns and corresponds with what you have written in your muse’s verses/about page. and in being deliberate, i always try to make sure there’s an opening or part in my responses that’s substantial enough for my partners to have material for their reply! (also, being deliberate extends to me caring for you beyond being my writing partner; i care about you as a person, too, who has real life stuff going on. i’m always open to listen or let you vent in my messages about whatever you need to get off your chest ✌)

one thing you should know about my muse: she’s quite different from her book canon counterpart. book!cho is bold and outspoken and firm in her actions + words. my cho is more prone to second-guessing herself and what she wants. i think i actually stopped rping for a little while because i was getting tired of this somewhat stagnant character i’d written for years, but i’ve started writing a more dynamic cho, who’s working her way toward being that bold cho we see in canon. she’s learning more about what it means to be sure of herself and to embrace more of her heart and not just her head. and i know it probably sounds a little bit silly, but fun fact-- i used to peg her into a very blue and melancholy color scheme. recently, though (most evident when i was creating her CHIPS business card), i’ve started seeing a lot of... red. a very faint blending into this color palette commonly associated with bravery. it’s very exciting for me, because i think i’m finally letting myself ease her into that transitional stage of self-exploration and coming to terms with what she wants and believes and stands for.

first language: mandarin chinese (like... i speak it at home. but i’m definitely not fluent lol)

second language: english

HIGHLIGHT:

age range: under 13 | 14-17 | 18-22 | 23-25 | 26-29 | 30+ | 70+

am i okay with nsfw?: yes | no | sometimes (a very rare sometimes) | but not for this muse

my favorite/most common thing to rp is: angst | fluff | smut | comedy | crack | action | other

most commonly, it switches between angst and comedy, i think. but my favorite to rp? other than AUs?? a good self-discovery story. i also really enjoy seeing a good redemption arc, so if cho is in a thread with your muse where i get to be privy to seeing/helping be part of your muse’s redemptive journey? or seeing/helping your muses realize something profound about themselves or their relationship with cho? i might explode with excitement and message you with all my appreciation and feelings for the thread. ❤

oc friendly?: yes | no | depends

rp blog: does contain some ooc posts | doesn’t contain ooc posts

TAGGED BY: @coeurxdor  TAGGING: you, scrolling through on the dash! (fill it out and tag me as your tagger, if you want; i enjoy learning about muns and their muses!)

#indiecho character study #lololol thank you if you made it through all of this <3 #( OOC. ) — this is an ESS OH ESS.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

What I’ve Been Reading #2

Hey People of Earth!

I recently started a new series on this blog (titled above), where I reflect on the last few books I’ve read. I’m doing this mostly to keep myself accountable because I’m notoriously bad at committing myself to reading. So far, reading has been far greater than it’s been in the past--I’m definitely getting into the rhythm of things. I read some amaaaazing books this time around (since approx. November), and these are them:

1. The Darkest Legacy by Alexandra Bracken

This is book four in The Darkest Minds series, and was just recently released (last summer). Whilst I’ve drifted from YA in the last few years, this series was such a huge favourite of mine when I was younger, and I thought I’d give this book a go for nostalgia’s sake. Also, I truly admire Alex as an author, and wanted to support her! Here’s the summary:

Five years after the destruction of the so-called rehabilitation camps that imprisoned her and countless other Psi kids, seventeen-year-old Suzume "Zu" Kimura has assumed the role of spokesperson for the interim government, fighting for the rights of Psi kids against a growing tide of misinformation and prejudice. But when she is accused of committing a horrifying act, she is forced to go on the run once more in order to stay alive. Determined to clear her name, Zu finds herself in an uncomfortable alliance with Roman and Priyanka, two mysterious Psi who could either help her prove her innocence or betray her before she gets the chance. But as they travel in search of safety and answers, and Zu grows closer to the people she knows she shouldn't trust, they uncover even darker things roiling beneath the veneer of the country's recovery. With her future-and the future of all Psi-on the line, Zu must use her powerful voice to fight back against forces that seek to drive the Psi into the shadows and save the friends who were once her protectors.

What drew me to it: Like I mentioned, its mother series was a mega favourite of mine in grade 8, and whilst I’ve grown out of YA, I was curious to see where the story went, five years in the future. I read about 60% of it on page, and listened to the rest on and of over the course of a few months. I started it in August, and finished it on New Year’s Eve. Not the fault of the book, that’s totally me being Very Bad at commitment. I’ve really enjoyed Alex’s novels in audiobook format, and this one was no exception (I think, if I were to read it again, I’d listen to the audiobook: it’s like listening to a television show!)

My rating: 3/5

Why: This is really due to the fact that I no longer am very interested in YA. In all truths, I got into YA early, and got out of it even earlier because apparently I am a sixty year old woman?? I started my journey with YA in grade seven, and it ended around the end of grade eight. After that, I had trouble finding YA books I could enjoy/relate to, not that the books were any less, or bad because of this, but because I was just an injustice to them (I’ve always been a strange reader). This is why I don’t really read YA anymore because I feel like I rate them unfairly because I’m not super big on the category anymore. It just (rightfully) didn’t give me what I’m most currently interested in in books (horrible people; horrible relationships; morally grey protagonists), because of course the category is different to what I read now! With that said, I think, if I’d read this book in my Peak YA Moment (grade 7-8), I’d definitely have given it a 5 star rating. It was super entertaining and funny and nostalgic, and made me miss a series so pivotal in my writing journey. If you love YA, and this series, I think this book is definitely worth the read! That was a thiccccc tangent. 

2. Past Lives, Future Bodies by Kristin Chang

This is a really quick poetry collection (that I spoiler: looooved). This is the summary:

PAST LIVES, FUTURE BODIES is a knife-sharp and nimble examination of migration, motherhood, and the malignant legacies of racism. In this collection, family forms both a unit of survival and a framework for history, agency, and recovery. Chang undertakes a visceral exploration of the historical and unfolding paths of lineage and what it means to haunt body and country. These poems traverse not only the circularity of trauma but the promise of regeneration—what grows from violence and hatches from healing—as Chang embodies each of her ghosts and invites the specter to speak. 

What drew me to it: @shaelinwrites rec’d it to me on my last update, and I fell in love with the premise. I’m *cheap* so was very excited to be gifted it by my Grandma for Christmas. (I actually read it on Christmas!)

My rating: 5/5

Why: Kristin Chang is literally so skilled with her use of the line break? I was shook? This is my second collection of poetry that I’ve read, following (no shade) Rupi Kaur’s The Sun and Her Flowers, which, I felt kinda made the line break feel gimmicky? So this collection definitely reinvented it for me. Her poems are so punchy, and thoughtful, and you can truly feel the experience built into the backbone of every one of them. When I panic wrote some poetry for my writing class, I used it as comfort reference and was amazed at how deliberate she is with her words. I also found so much of its commentary on race so relatable. It’s definitely a collection I’ll keep re-reading. I’d recommend this if, like me, you’re just starting out in poetry--a perfect way to acclimate yourself to a new form!

3. God of Shadows by Lorna Crozier

*Rachel vigorously trying to diversify her reading.* The summary:

The poet Lorna Crozier has always been brilliant at fusing the ordinary with the other-worldly in strange and surprising ways. Now the Governor General's Literary Award-winning author of Inventing the Hawk returns with God of Shadows, a wryly wise book that offers a polytheistic gallery of the gods we never knew existed and didn't know we needed. To read these poems is to be ready to offer your own prayers to the god of shadows, the god of quirks, and the god of vacant houses. Sing new votive hymns to the gods of horses, birds, cats, rats, and insects. And give thanks at the altars of the gods of doubt, guilt, and forgetting. What life-affirming questions have these deities come to ask? Perhaps it is simply this: How can poems be at once so profound, original and lively, and also so much fun?

What drew me to it: At this point I’m just stalking @shaelinwrites​’ Goodreads because her reading taste is on pointttt. I’ve also been dying to read more poetry, and branch out into different forms of writing, so I can be a little *prepared* for school, so I thought I’d take a peek at this collection. 

My rating: 5/5

Why: This collection is so beautiful! I read it super quickly, and fell in love with the concept immediately. I think Crozier explored such unique ideas with super unique language, and I live for it. This collection gave me perspective on ‘gods’ I’d never even thought about. I’d definitely recommend it if you’re looking into reading some prose poetry!

4. The Immortalists by Chloe Benjamin

I finished this book today, and now have trust issues and feel like I’m in a constant state of wanting to cry. Here’s the summary:

If you knew the date of your death, how would you live your life?

It's 1969 in New York City's Lower East Side, and word has spread of the arrival of a mystical woman, a traveling psychic who claims to be able to tell anyone the day they will die. The Gold children—four adolescents on the cusp of self-awareness—sneak out to hear their fortunes.

The prophecies inform their next five decades. Golden-boy Simon escapes to the West Coast, searching for love in '80s San Francisco; dreamy Klara becomes a Las Vegas magician, obsessed with blurring reality and fantasy; eldest son Daniel seeks security as an army doctor post-9/11; and bookish Varya throws herself into longevity research, where she tests the boundary between science and immortality.

A sweeping novel of remarkable ambition and depth, The Immortalists probes the line between destiny and choice, reality and illusion, this world and the next. It is a deeply moving testament to the power of story, the nature of belief, and the unrelenting pull of familial bonds.

What drew me to it: I actually don’t know?? I put it on hold at my library in October, and was loaned it in January (looooong waitlist). So I can’t remember why I wanted to read it, probably because 1969 was in the premise lmao. I actually completely forgot about placing a hold on it because it’d been two months, so by the time I got the email notification, I’d forgotten what it was about. Oftentimes, I’m Bad, and leave my loans for weeks, forgetting about them, but I was intrigued by seeing I’d received this loan because I couldn’t remember placing it/why I placed it. I quickly re-read the summary, and immediately started reading because it reminded me a lot of the Haunting of Hill House sibling dynamic, and I was on board!

My rating: 5/5 stars soaked in all my tears

Why: This book is SO good, I literally can’t think about it too much because I will cry, lol. I’m not one to get emotional over books, but this book touched me in a place I didn’t know existed?? Like I didn’t know I had emotions before reading this book?? Apparently I do?? It also left me feeling stunned with a whole bucket of life lessons, and similarly to getting emotional, I’m not a reader to really take away a whole new worldview after reading something, but this book was like NOPE, here’s some THOUGHTS. I think I might’ve loved it so much because the four siblings it follows remind me a lot of my siblings (tag yourself I’m Klara, @sarahkelsiwrites is Varya). I too am a sibling of four with a similar composition to the novel’s (two boys, two girls), so the actual heartbreak of realizing that one day, there ain’t always gonna be four of us struck me so hard I was not prepared?? The characters are BEAUTIFUL, and my heart aches so much after finishing this, I almost don’t know what to do with myself... If you liked the sibling dynamic in the Haunting of Hill House (me!!), you’ll probably dig this book. Benjamin’s writing is also gorgeous; straightforward, but so detailed and lush at the same time. I don’t often see books in third present, so this was a delight for me to read. Also: I’m no expert on any of the topics in this book, but to me, a Fool, this book felt so well researched? This isn’t something I ever notice in books, but it surprisingly really added to the reading experience. 

TL;DR: I’m literally an emotional wreck because of this book and have a whole new perspective on life, if you too want to be an emotional wreck, defs join in on the fUN.

So that’s it for this reading update! All of these books in this update were wonderful! Making me antsy to read more for sure! I’m currently attempting to read more short story collections, so if anyone has recs, hit me up! ‘Scuse me while I go sob!

--Rachel

#readingupdates