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darkthingshappen · 2 years

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Baby Steps: A Brother's Keeper story

Things have been rough for Ben lately, so I thought he could use some future comfort. This is set a few weeks after his rescue and before his eventual recapture. Zoe is a new favorite character. She's just soooo good for my sweet Ben.

CW for alluded to past noncon, torture, and abuse

Tagging List: @i-can-even-burn-salad @peachy-panic @deluxewhump @arwenadreamer @whumpcereal @melancholy-in-the-morning @dont-touch-my-soup @whumpsday @keeper-of-all-the-random-things @whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump @oddsconvert @melennui @susiequaz12 @morning-star-whump @crystalquartzwhump @whump-and-other-things @mylifeisonthebookshelf @reflected-pain @hold-him-down @quietshae @sparrowsage (I hope I’m not forgetting anyone - please let me know if I am and I’ll fix it. I’m still getting used to this)

Thanks again to the AMAZING @whumpcereal for being the BEST BETA IN THE WORLD!!!!!

Zoe stood looking in on Ben. Like so many days that she had come to visit him since he came home, he was curled up in bed, staring at nothing. He wasn’t literally catatonic, but he couldn’t engage. It had only been a few weeks since he’d come home and she knew the basics of what had happened to him. No one wanted to tell her, but she’d insisted Jake tell her.

He’s my boyfriend, Jake. He’s been my best friend since we were sixteen years old. I have a right to know.

No you don’t. He wouldn’t want you knowing.

Jake, he’s fucking catatonic! I can’t help him if I don’t know what he’s been through. I love him too, you know.

I know you do, but… Jake’s voice had faltered. Zoe, it’s really bad. Like, he’s been through literal hell.

All the more reason for me to know. He’s going to need me to find his way back. Honestly, Jake, just tell me. I can handle it. And it can’t be any worse than what I’m imagining. I’ve seen some of the marks on his body. They didn’t come from just a beating.

Jake hung his head and relented.

It had been as bad as she’d imagined. Worse in so many ways. Jake flat out refused to show her the pictures, but she didn’t need them. She read through the file, the abuse, the torture, the ways he’d been used. The way he’d been found. She’d had her own nightmares since then. It wasn’t like reading a story or a news article. It was real. This happened to her family.

Her sweet Ben, the man she loved who would never have hurt anyone ever, the man who held the door open for her, the man that had always treated her with such tenderness. Her sweetheart since they were sixteen years old, had been so brutalized that he was a shell of himself. Her heart broke for him every time she saw him.

He looked so small in his bed, the covers pulled up to his chin. She didn’t have to see to know what he’d be wearing - a giant oversized long sleeve t-shirt, baggy pajama bottoms that swallowed him, every inch of his body covered to hide the brutal scars and marks of his captivity they all knew were there. She could still see the scar on his cheek from where he’d been hit so hard or so many times that it had opened up and never healed properly.

She wanted to take his broken body in her arms and hold him until all the hurt was gone. But life was never that simple. He desperately needed a kind and gentle human touch, but every touch terrified him and threatened to send him back to that place. For a moment, a fury washed over her that was almost overwhelming. She hated the men that had done this to her sweet Ben. Who could look at him, could know him, and ever want to hurt him? What kind of person did that to another? Alexsei fucking Volkov, that’s who, her brain supplied unhelpfully.

God, if she could get her hands on that man she was certain her fury and vitriol would be enough to give her the strength to tear him apart, to rip his body to tiny little pieces and then feed them to the fucking dogs. And even that would be better than what he deserved. A small, very violent part of her, wanted him to have to suffer the same way Ben had suffered. But she didn’t want to dwell on that because then she’d have to think about what that monster did to him.

She slowly walked into the room, not wanting to startle him. There had been several occasions where one or all of them had accidentally sent Ben spiraling into a flashback. The visits were hard, but she made herself keep coming. It wasn’t a chore, not really. Not for Ben. She’d keep trying to get through to him for the rest of her life if that’s what it took.

“Hey, Benny,” she said lightly, sitting slightly away from him on the bed.

Ben’s eyes seemed to suddenly focus, and they found hers. HIs soft brown eyes that used to be filled with lightness and mirth were haunted and filled with fear more often than not now. She could see the moment that he realized it was her and not them in his room. His tense muscles relaxed slightly, and he smiled sadly at her, like he’d done something wrong. It made Zoe’s blood boil to see Ben’s shame. He didn’t deserve it. He was innocent. He’d always been.

“Hey, Zo.”

“How ya doing today?”

“Oh, um…”

Words were no longer easy for him. He struggled with expressing basic thoughts, which never used to be the case. Probably had to do with so much time spent gagged or muzzled. Who fucking muzzles a person? Who would muzzle Ben? Why? Why would anyone want to silence him? Zoe shoved her anger back down.

“I, I, I…” Ben huffed out a frustrated breath. “I’m. Okay.” He had to say each word specifically. But they both knew he wasn’t okay. It was just the expected response. Polite, appropriate.

“Are you?”

He looked at her again, sad eyes that used to dance.

Zoe swallowed and gently touched his hand, even though she knew it was a risk. He stiffened for a moment and then relaxed and returned her grasp.

“I know you’re doing your best, Benny. But you can’t do it all on your own. W-will you let me help you?” she asked quietly.

“I don’t know if you can.” Ben turned back to the wall. “The doctors said I’m fine physically. But, I’m never going to be the same again. I’ve said it before, Zo. I think you should move on. I’m no good for you anymore. I can’t be the man you deserve. I-I-”

“If you say you're broken or ruined one more time… I swear to God I’m gonna-”

Ben shrank in on himself a bit at her words and frustrated tone. “It’s true,” he whispered.

Zoe took a deep breath through her nose. “Ben, if the situation were reversed and I was the one that was abducted and… and… and.. went through what you went through, would you stop loving me?”

Ben’s face paled and he looked like he might be sick. Then anger flicked across his expression and then a cold resolve. She understood. He’d had a brief flashback but had seen her there instead of him. The thought clearly horrified him, made him sick and angry. She could read him so well, even after all of this.

“I never stopped loving you.” He looked back at her. It was the strongest and most defiant voice she’d heard from him since his return.

“I know, love. But would you think I was a lost cause if it were me instead of you?”

Again the horror and fear and anger crossed his face at the thought of someone doing all that he’d endured to her. His hands clenched into fists.

“Never.”

“Then why do you think I should leave you behind? I could never do that. You’re my best friend, my first and only love. You’re the man I want to grow old with.”

“But I don’t know that I can be that man for you anymore. Zoe, the things he did to me…”

“I don’t care. I just want you. Even if it’s just to sit with you, or to lay next to you at night. I just want to be with you.”

“But you deserve more.”

“No, I deserve you. Because you are the man I love. The one God brought to me. None of that has changed.” She moved her hands slowly, so he could see, and took his face in her hands, her thumb just barely caressing the scar on his cheek. “I love you, Benny. Just you. It’s always been you and will always be you.” She leaned forward and barely touched her lips to his forehead, his eyelids, the scar, the tip of his nose.

When she pulled back, he had tears running down his cheeks. Her thumbs wiped them away. .

“Was that too much?” she whispered. “I’m sorry, Benny.” She started to let go of his face but he reached up and grabbed her fingers.

“No. No, it’s not. Please.”

“Please what, Benny. Anything you want, just say it.” Her voice was soft, like the barest breath of wind.

“Stay with me.”

Zoe smiled sweetly at his request, but that wasn’t what her goal was for the day. She looked him over, taking in the dark circles under his eyes and the too pale skin. No, she wouldn’t let him languish in this room all day everyday. He had to get out. It wasn’t good for him to hide from the world. Still, baby steps. Tiny, fractional, microscopic baby steps. But always moving forward. That��s what she could help him do. Move forward.

“No. You’e coming with me this time,” she said with her own playful grin on her face.

“Wha-?”

“Ben, you can’t stay in bed all the time, come with me.”

“No… No, I can’t.”

“You can. Just hold my hand. Don’t let go. Come on.” She held his gaze gently. “Trust me,” she whispered, almost inaudibly.

Zoe pulled him up gently. His shirt slipped up slightly as the blankets shifted and she caught sight of the scars and ink that covered him. Fucking Alexsei Volkov! Ben tugged his shirt down hurriedly, glancing nervously at Zoe. She just smiled and pretended not to see.

She leaned her head against his shoulder once they were both standing. “I love you.”

He leaned his head down on top of hers. He’d forgotten how perfectly they fit together. “Love you too,” he whispered as if nothing had changed. “I’m still kinda weak, so… where are we going?”

“Just down to the garden. You look like you could use some sunshine.”

Zoe led them down to the back door, holding Ben’s hand the whole time. She paused to grab a blanket off the back of the couch.

Zoe let go of his hand just long enough to spread the blanket out on the grass. The day was warm, and the flowers were blooming in the afternoon sun. She sank down onto the soft blanket and pulled Ben with her.

She held him against her and whispered in his ear. “Just relax. It’s warm, you’re safe. Feel the breeze on your face, the sun on your skin, the softness of the blanket under your fingers. Listen to the sound of my voice, the birds in the trees. Smell the flowers in the garden, the fresh cut grass all around us. See the blue sky above you, the colors in the flowers of the garden, the stone wall surrounding us…” she trailed off quietly and gently rubbed his arm with just her fingernails.

“And what am I supposed to taste?” he said, smiling up at her, and for a moment it was almost a real Ben smile. The Ben from before. There was the barest hint of mischievousness in his eyes.

“What do you want to taste?”

“I… I thought a lot about your lipgloss when I was gone?”

Gone. That’s how he always said it. Like he’d just been away on a trip. But they both knew there were parts of him that would never come home. Still, Zoe forced herself to smile.

“My lipgloss?”

“The watermelon one. You know. That one that was your favorite and that when they stopped selling it you went online and bought every tube you could find.”

“I still have it.”

“Are you wearing it now?”

‘Yes…”

“Then… then that’s what I want.” It was hesitant and with a question in his eyes, but also bold and beautiful.

Zoe smiled down at him where he lay across her lap. She leaned down and brushed her lips against his and then pulled away. She watched him lick his lips and taste her. They both knew they were waiting to see if he had a flashback.

“Breeze in my hair, sun on my face, birds in the air, and your taste on my tongue. Can… can we do that again?” he asked quietly.

“As often as you want, my love.”

Ben reached up and pulled her down towards him, the kiss was longer this time. Zoe felt Ben’s tongue just barely touch her lips. He didn’t push further and she didn’t ask for more. It was enough for now.

*!*!*!*!*

Maria Adkins smiled as she looked down into the garden from the second story landing at the top of the stairs.

“What ya looking at mom?” Jake asked. Maria jumped slightly, she hadn’t realized her oldest was upstairs. “Oh, nothing. Just a nice day.”

Jake, sensing that wasn’t exactly true, stepped up next to her. He smiled warmly when he saw his brother on the grass below. “A nice day indeed.”

Maria put her arm around his back. Both her boys were taller than her, but she found it didn’t matter much. They both still needed her so much. Jake leaned against her, and she felt his breath hitch beneath her arm.

“I’m sorry, Mom. I know I can never say it enough. But I really am.”

So much had happened since that day with the FBI where they’d learned what had happened. So very much. And she knew her boys adored each other. Jake may have been the connection to that monster, but it wasn’t his fault. She knew he’d have traded places with Ben in a heartbeat to save him from what had happened. If anything, this had made Jake finally straighten up.

She missed the humor and swagger that he’d often carried about him. In many ways, both her boys were broken by this common event. She could read it in Jake’s eyes, the guilt, the horror. He’d bear that for the rest of his life. There was no way he could have known. No way for anyone to have known what lengths that bastard would take. She’d long forgiven Jake for his role, but it would be a long time before Jake could forgive himself.

“Stop, Jake. Let’s just enjoy this for now. Today is a good day. We’re together and we’re safe. Let’s just be glad for that.”

Jake leaned down and bumped his head against his mom’s shoulder, and she squeezed him around the middle. They heard the front door open, and when Jacob Adkins announced he was home from work, they let him know they were upstairs.

He joined them on the landing and smiled at the sight in the garden. If his eyes grew glassy and moist, no one called him on it.

“Come on,” Maria said softly. “They’ll be okay. Let’s go get dinner ready. Jacob, I need the trash put out; and Jake, you can set the table.”

“Yes, ma’am,” they both answered and turned to give the couple in the back garden some privacy.

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realreadreid · 4 years

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Lesbian Fandom Guide

A complete domestic and international list of lesbian TV & movie femslash ship names.

(Updated 12/9/19)

So, in spectacular idiot fashion, I accidentally deleted the original post. Bright side, it has lead to a major overhaul and update to the list. As always, suggestions are desired and welcomed. Enjoy!

NOTES: 1. Only listing ships name mashups, 2. Alphabetical

KEY: C=Cannon, *=Ship currently in progress, D=Domestic (USA), I=International, D/I=Int’l shows that air in the US

ADAMS FOSTER = Lena & Stef (Adams-Foster) [The Fosters] C D

AGUSLERIA = Agustina & Valeria [Vecinos En Guerra] C I

ALBY = Alex Parrish & Shelby Wyatt [Quantico] I

AMANDIE = Amanda & Edie [Almost Family] C* D

ANN(e) = Anne Lester & Ann Walker [Gentleman Jack] C* D/I

ANNALEVE = (Annalise) Keating & (Eve) Rothlow [How to Get Away with Murder] C D

AURELIA = Aurora & Celia [Seis Hermanas] C I

AVALANE = (Ava) Sharpe & Sara (Lance) [Legends of Tomorrow] C* D

BADISON = Bird & Madison [Finding Carter] C D

BALLIE = Bea & Allie [Wentworth] C I

BARCEDES = Barbara & Mercedes (Mechita) [Perdona Nuestros Pecados] C I

BECHLOE = Beca & Chloe [Pitch Perfect] D

BERENA = (Bernie) Wolfe & (Serena) Campbell [Holby City] C* I

BERING & WEKLS = Myka (Bering) & Helena G. (Wells) [Warehouse 13] D

BRITTANA = Brittany & Santana [Glee] C D

CABESON = Alex (Cabot) & Olivia (Benson) [L&O SVU] D

CALZONA = Callie & Arizona [Grey’s Anatomy] C D

CAZZIE (CIZZIE) = Casey & Izzie [Atypical] C* D

CHELLY = Chloe & Elly [Neighbors] C I

CLARINA = Clara & Marina [Em Familia] C I

CLEXA = Clarke & Lexa [The 100] C D

COPHINE = Cosima & Delphine [Orphan Black] C D/I

CRISABEL = Cristina & Isabel [Tierra de Lobos] C I

CROANA = Cris + Joana [SKAM Espana] C* I

DALICE = Dane & Alice [The L Word] C D

DANSEN = Alex (Danvers) & Kelly (Olsen) [Supergirl] C* D

DEANORU = Karolina (Dean) & Niko (Minoru) [Marvel’s Runways] C*

DIANHOE = Diana y Ainhoa [CENTROMEDICO] C I

DOCUBUS = Doctor (Laruen) & Succubus (Bo) [Lost Girl] C D/I

ELIZONA = Arizona & Eliza [Grey’s Anatomy] C D

EMAYA = Emily & Maya [Pretty Little Liars] C D

EMISON = Emily & Allison [Pretty Little Liars] C D

FABERRY = Quinn (Fabray) & Rachel (Berry) [Glee] D

FIMOGEN = Fiona & Imogen [Degrassi] C D

FLOZMIN = Florencia & Jazmín [Las Estrellas] C I

FREELIN = Freya & Keelin [The Originals] C D

FOXXAY = Cordelia (Foxx) & Misty (Day) [American Horror Story] D

FRIDGET = (Franky) Doyle & (Bridget) Westfall [Wentworth] C I

FUFFY = Faith & Buffy [Buffy the Vampire Slayer] D

GOLLY = Gail & Holly [Rookie Blue] C D

GRANKIE = Grace & Frankie [Grace & Frankie] D

GRENNA = Greer & Brenna [Chasing Life] C D

GREYES = Abby (Griffin) & Raven (Rayes) [The 100] C* D

HACKLE = Ada (Cackle) & Hecate (Hardbroom) [The Worst Witch] I

HICSQUEAK = Hecate Hardbroom & Pippa Pentangle [The Worst Witch] I

HOLLSTEIN = Laura (Hollis) & Carmilla (Karnstein) [Carmilla] C D/I

HOLTZBERT = Holtzmann & Gilbert [Ghostbusters] D

JASSANI = Jasmine & Anni [GZSZ] C

JATHEA = Jade & Althea [The Rich Man’s Daughter] C I

JEMILY = (Jennifer) “JJ” Jareau & (Emily) Prentiss [Criminal Minds]* D

JEMMA = Jenna & Emma [Hand auts Herz] C I

JETRA = (Jane) Villanueva & (Petra) Solano [Jane the Virgin] D

JULIANA = Julia & Mariana [Las Aparicio] C I

JULIANTINA = Juliana y Valentina [Amar a Muerte] C I

KADENA = Kat & Adena [The Bold Type] C* D

KANA = Kate & Rana [Coronation Street] C I

KANNI = Katrin & Anni [GZSZ] C I

KARMY = Karma & Amy [Faking It] C D

KEMALINE = Kate & Emaline [Everything Sucks] C D

KERIETTA = Kerstin & Juliette [Marienhof] C I

KINGS’S GOLD = Quinn (King) & Rachel (Goldberg) [UnREAL]* D

LIMANTHA = Lica e Samantha [Malhação] C I

LINTZ =Maggie (Lin) & Sydney (Katz) [Saving Hope] C D

LUIMELIA = Luisita y Amelia [Amar es para Siempre] C I

LUTRICIA = Lucia & Patricia [Las Trampas del Deseo] C I

LYRETRIA = Lyria & Eretria [The Shannara Chronicles] C* D

MALEX =Marissa & Alex [The OC] C D

MARBECCA = Marlene & Rebecca [Verbotene Liebe] C I

MELKO = Mel & Niko [Charmed] C* D

MELLIVIA = (Mellie) Grant & (Olivia) Pope [Scandal] D

MENESIS = Megan y Genesis [Mi Familia Perfecta] C I

MIRANDAY = Miranda & Andrea [The Devil Wears Prada] D

MINX = Marissa & Bianca (Binx) [All My Children] C D

MOLLUNA = Molly & Luna [Burden of Truth] C D

MOTHERSHIP=Xena & Gabrielle [Xena Warrior Princess] C D

NAOMILY = Naomi & Emily [Skins UK] C D/I

NICHORELLO = Nicky & Morello [OITNB] C D

NOMANITA = Nomi & Amanita [Sense 8] C D

OTALIA = Olivia & Natalie [Guiding Light] C D

PAILY = Paige & Emily [Pretty Little Liars] C D

PALEX = Paige & Alex [Degrassi] C D

PARCOR = Parker & Kristina (Corinthos) [General Hospital] C D

PATTEN = (Patty) Hughes & (Ellen) Parsons [Damages] D

PAUGELA = Paula y Angela [La Otra Mirada] C I

PEPSI = Pepa & Silvia [Los Hombres de Paco] C I

PETRAMOS = (Petra) Solano & Jane (Ramos) [Jane the Virgin] C D

POSIE = Penelope & Josie [Legacies] C* D

PUPCAKE = Patsy & Delia [Call the Midwife] C D/I

REAMY = Reagan & Amy [Faking It] C D

RED SLIPPERS = Red & Dorothy [Once Upon a Time] C D

RIZZLES = Jane (Rizzoli) & Maura (Isles) [Rizzoli & Isles] D

ROISA = Rose & Luisa [Jane the Virgin] C D

SANVERS = Maggie (Sawyer) & Alex (Danvers) [Supergirl] C D

SARLOTA = Carlota & Sara [Cable Girls] C* D/I

SAULA = Sophie & Paula [Coronation Street] C I

SHARMEN = Shane & Carmen [The L Word] C D

SHOOT = Shaw & Root [Person of Interest] C D

SKIMMONS (BIOHACKER/BIOQUAKE) = Jemma Simmons & Daisy “Skye” Johnson [Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.] D

SLEEPING WARRIOR = Aurora & Mulan [Once Upon A Time] C D

SPARIA = Spencer & Aria [Pretty Little Liars] D

SPASHLEY = (Spencer) Carlin & (Ashley) Davies [South of Nowhere] C D

SUPERCORP (KARLENA) = (Kara) Danvers & (Lena) Luthor [Supergirl]* D

SUPERCAT = Kara (Super)girl Danvers & (Cat) Grant [Supergirl] D

SWAY QUEEN = Emma (Swan) & Evil (Queen) [Once Upon a Time] D

TALICE = Tasha & Alice [The L Word] C D

TERIAH = Tessa & Mariah [All My Children] C* D

THUNDERGRACE = Anissa (Thunder) Pierce & Grace Choi [Black Lightning] C* D

TIBETTE = Tina & Bette [The L Word] C D

TILDESSA = Tilda & Odessa [Into the Badlands] C* D

TILLOW = Tara & Willow [Buffy the Vampire Slayer] C D

TRIMBERLY = (Trini) Kwan & (Kimberly) Hart [Power Rangers] D

TRISHICA = (Trish) Walker & (Jessica) Jones [Jessica Jones] D

VANITY = (Vanessa) Woodfield & (Charity) Dingle [Emmerdale] C* I

VAUSEMAN = Alex (Vause) & Piper (Chapman) [OINB] C D

WAYHAUGHT = (Waverly) Earp & Nicole (Haught) [Wynonna Earp] C* D/I

WILLEX = Willow & Alex [Home & Away] C* I

WYNHAUGHT = (Wynonna) Earp & Nicole (Haught) [Wynonna Earp]* D/I

ZASHA = Zoe & Rasha [Degrassi] C D

#lgbt #lgbtq #glbti👬👭🌈#glbt #glbtq #queer #lesbian #TV #TV show #rizzles #wayhaught #spashley #thundergrace #doccubus #willex #avalance #lesbiancouples #pride

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soccerdrawings · 4 years

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darkthingshappen · 2 years

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Brother's Keeper: The Power of Music

This is a thank you all of my followers. I have now reached 300!!!! I had several requests for Ben fluffy. But I am me, so this fluff is... angsty. It's fluffy angst. Flangst™️.

I can't believe this many of y'all follow me for this. It's so much fun being on this hell site with all of you. I will try to write some actual fluffy fluff for my sweet Ben at some point, but there's so much fun pain in the current arc that I still have to deal with. Hahahahaha

As always, I'd like to say a HUGE thank you to the wonderful @whumpcereal for her amazing job betaing my story and poking and prodding where needed to make me a better writer. This story wouldn't be what it is with out her pushing me to "give" more.

Content warnings: nothing explicit, but a lot of alluded to or implied past trauma including implied past noncon.

Lastly, I have included links to some Youtube music in case you are not familiar with the songs mentioned in this piece or if you just wanna listen along while you read. They can be found at the end of the piece.

Tagging List: @i-can-even-burn-salad @peachy-panic @deluxewhump @arwenadreamer @whumpcereal @melancholy-in-the-morning @dont-touch-my-soup @whumpsday @keeper-of-all-the-random-things @whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump @oddsconvert @melennui @susiequaz12 @morning-star-whump @crystalquartzwhump @whump-and-other-things @mylifeisonthebookshelf @reflected-pain @hold-him-down @quietshae @sparrowsage @quietly-by-myself @no-terms-and-conditions-apply (I hope I’m not forgetting anyone - please let me know if I am and I’ll fix it. I’m still getting used to this)

Ben laid curled up in a ball on his bed in the psychiatric hospital he’d been brought to upon his rescue from Volkov. It hadn’t been what they had all hoped for. The Adkins family had wanted to bring him straight home, but the intensity, frequency, and severity of his flashbacks had made that impossible. So now, he was in an unfamiliar, sterile room in a near catatonic state. He was safe, but he wasn’t home.

Maria Adkins silently wondered if her youngest son would ever fully come home. She sat in the chair next to his bed, but she didn’t reach for him. They had to be so cautious with being near him, let alone touching him. The boy she’d dreamed about wrapping in her arms for the entirety of his captivity couldn’t stand to be touched. His eyes were open most of the day, they seemed to see everything and nothing all at the same time.

There would be long stretches where he stared at the wall and rocked back and forth. Other times his eyes darted around the room seeing terrors only he could see. Ben had always been so bright and joyful, but now his soft brown eyes were haunted. Would he ever come out from behind the walls he’d built around his mind? Yes, he’d survived, but he wasn’t living, not yet anyway. He’d shut himself away in his own head just so that he’d be able to cope with the trauma he’d had to endure.

How long had he spent cooped up in that awful cage that she’d seen pictures of? Her husband had tried to shield her, but she had to know. She’d snuck into his office and flipped through the files. She’d stopped when she saw the chains attached to that monster’s bed frame.

How was she supposed to get through to him after the horror’s he’d been forced to endure? She wanted nothing more than to pull him into her arms and hold him like she did when he was a small child, but it was the one thing she couldn’t do. Her baby was lost. He was here, but he was utterly lost. They needed a lifeline that would help him find his way back home from wherever he was in his head. That’s why she’d asked Zoe to come today. She only hoped it would help.

There was a soft knock at the door. It opened with a click, and Zoe’s bright red head poked in.

Mrs. Adkins smiled at her. “Hey, honey, thanks for coming.”

“Of course,” Zoe whispered, coming into the small room, a large black case on her back. “I’m happy to help. How is he doing today?”

Maria smiled at the young woman. Benny and Zoe had been thick as thieves since they were sixteen-years-old. Maria adored Zoe; she was a good match for her boy. They were both academically gifted, but Zoe had spirit, which kept Ben on his toes. He needed that.

“Mostly the same. A lot of rocking today. I wish I knew what he was seeing.”

She smiled sadly at Zoe. They were so young, almost children still. They shouldn’t be dealing with this level of evil. They should be studying and debating the great mysteries of life. They should be figuring out who they were. Zoe was wholly dedicated to Ben. She’d, at a minimum, stopped by at least once a day every day since he’d come home. The first visit had been the hardest. Like they had all accidentally done, she’d reached out and combed her fingers through his hair before anyone could stop her, and he’d devolved into a flashback and full on panic attack. Zoe had left sobbing into Jake’s shoulder while he tried to tell her it was okay, that it wasn’t her fault.

Maria half-expected Zoe to be afraid to come back. She’d spoken to Zoe’s mother, and it was evident they thought their daughter should try to move on. But they were good people and would trust their daughter. They didn’t want her to be hurt, and Ben’s disappearance had hurt more deeply than anything else Zoe had ever gone through.

Maria was a mom, she understood. But Zoe was a lover. When she came the next day, there was a fierceness in her eyes that Maria recognized in her own expression. Zoe was in it for the long haul. Ben was hers, and she wasn’t about to let go. Maria approved.

Zoe’s eyes moved to Ben’s curled up form. Her red eyebrows knit together in concern. “Yeah, but I think whatever it is he’s seeing must be pretty scary. Ben was never afraid of much. He was always so protective of me. I can’t imagine how bad things got to make him like this.”

Things had gotten bad. Zoe didn’t know the half of it. Maria hoped she never would, but she had a feeling that the determined little Irish girl in front of her would find out, one way or another. Maria wished to God that she could shield her, shield them both, but despite the fact that she still saw them as children, they weren’t. Not anymore. There was an innocence that that monster had stolen from both of them.

“You brought your cello?” Maria asked.

“Just like you asked. You really think it’ll help?”

“You know how much he loved hearing and watching you play.”

Zoe blushed slightly. “I loved playing for him. He was my biggest cheerleader.” Zoe laughed softly at a memory. “He cheered like he was at a Penguins game. The rest of the audience would be politely applauding and he’d be on the first row, whistling and cheering.” Her expression grew wistful as her eyes darted back to him. “You know I always told him I hated that and that it embarrassed me. But, all it took was one concert without it for me to know I really loved it.” Her voice was suddenly quiet. “I’ve barely played since then. I missed two recitals. I just couldn’t do it without him there. It was too quiet.”

Zoe wiped a stray tear off her cheek. “He was always there for me, since we were sixteen. Maybe this can help me be there for him.”

Mrs. Adkins rubbed Zoe’s back. “If this doesn’t work, it’s okay. It’s not on you, honey, to bring him back. You’ve been hurt through all this too. We all have.” She gave Zoe’s shoulder a squeeze. “It doesn’t change the fact that you love him and he loves you.”

Zoe swallowed and nodded.

“Here. You take the chair, and get set up. I’ll be back in a bit and I’ll see if I can get another chair in here.” She patted Zoe’s shoulder again and stepped out of the room.

*!*!*!*!*

Zoe’s hands shook a little as she set up her cello. She set the endpin in the rest stop and then rosined her bow. She gazed at Ben, curled up in the fetal position and rocking slightly. Most of the time his eyes were open, but every now and then he would squeeze his eyes shut and his body would shake with some horrible memory that he couldn’t cope with. Zoe suspected much about what had happened to him.

Whether this worked or not, she was determined to find out. She couldn’t help him if she didn’t know. She knew Ben’s parents would never tell her. But Jake might be persuaded. Or intimidated. Zoe wasn’t above emotional manipulation if it meant she could help Ben. She loved Jake like a brother, but she wasn’t blind. Jake was the connection to that monster and why Ben had been taken in the first place. He owed her, and Ben.

“Hey, Benny.” She angled her body and cello slightly, so that she was able to see him full on with her back to the door of the room. “I learned a new song that you haven’t heard me play before. It’s the only thing I’ve felt since you’ve been gone. I missed you, bestie. It’s been so quiet without you. So, here we go…”

The mournful strains of Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Sound of Silence” soon filled the room. The notes were deep to begin with, but on a cello, there was no comparison as the rich tones of the music resounded from the walls. By the time she got to the line, silence like a cancer grows, Zoe’s tears were coursing down her cheeks and dripping off her chin to run down the length of her cello. She poured every ounce of the loss she’d felt during all the time that Ben was gone into that melody.

Zoe had panicked when her small touch had sent Ben spiraling. She worried it was a rejection of her. But Jake had explained that he’d reacted the same to each of them. Touch-averse was the word he said the doctors used. Touch-averse. The man who was always so tender and affectionate with her. The man who held her hand when they walked to the park, the man who was always ready to throw his arms around her. The man that was always her support, physically and mentally, was touch-averse. It had seemed like a cruel cosmic joke at first. Her parents had told her it was okay if she moved on. They told her the Ben from before was most likely gone. They weren’t wrong, Ben would never be the same. But that was true for all of them. Zoe would never be the same either, and she didn’t want to be–she had to move forward with Ben.

Zoe poured everything she had into reading up on touch averse therapies and long term recovery options. It was too soon to tell if this would be lasting. And Zoe loved Ben more than anything in the whole world. And when you love something, you fight for it. So she came back, day after day after day.

When she finished the song, the deafening silence echoed back at her from every corner of the room as last notes fluttered in the air.

Quietly, Mrs. Adkins stepped back into the room, wiping her own tears. The two women understood each other. Zoe took a deep breath and started the next tune. In her head she sang, softly and sweetly, Joyful joyful we adore thee, God of Glory, Lord of Love; Hearts unfold like flow’rs before thee, op’ning to the sun above. Melt the clouds of sin and sadness, drive the dark of doubt away. Giver of immortal gladness, fill us with the light of day.

This was one of Ben’s favorite hymns. He’d always loved the simplicity of it. The tune, the words, the hope. He thought they were beautiful. She’d laughed the first time she’d scrolled through his music and found no less than twelve versions of the same hymn. Fast ones, slow ones, classical versions, a version from a popular 90’s movie. It didn’t seem to matter, Ben loved them all. He was no singer, but as they grew up and grew closer, Zoe loved to hear him frequently humming this sweet melody. If he was feeling silly, he might belt it out at the top of his lungs. It was his go-to happy tune. Zoe suspected his mother had something to do with that.

Zoe played. She sang through every verse. She wasn’t sure exactly when Mrs. Adkins joined in, but her sweet voice filled the room mingling with the lovely chords dancing under Zoe’s fingers. Together, they both sang the final verse of the song, Ever singing, march we onward, victors in the midst of strife. Joyful music leads us sunward, in the triumph song of life.

Slowly, Zoe finished out the notes, but her eyes weren’t on her cello, they were on Ben’s. They were clear, and he was watching her. At some point, his lips had started moving along with the words of the song. Zoe made a snap decision and kept playing. She’d already played through the whole thing once, but she couldn’t let him retreat. Not when he was here in this moment. She played it over again, the entire glorious hymn.

Mrs. Adkins sat on the floor next to Ben’s bed, her hand resting softly on the sheet beside him. Ben’s hand moved slightly from where it had been curled up under his chin to just next to his mother’s hand. Their fingers brushed slightly, and he didn’t pull away. Zoe watched with tear- filled eyes as Maria moved her fingers over his, slowly and gently, and held his hand. They both held their breath for a second and then released when he made no move to pull away. Zoe could see the tears trickling down her cheeks. Ben didn’t talk, but he looked between the two of them while he mouthed the words. Zoe smiled at him while her fingers sang the tune. When she finally did reach the end of the song, and the gentle notes still hung in the air, she looked at Ben.

“Hi, it’s good to see you again. I’ve really missed you.”

Ben had tears in his eyes, and they spilled down his cheek at her words. His lips started to move, but he didn’t make a sound. Zoe smiled at him.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything right now. You just rest so you can heal. I’ll keep playing.”

He gave her a weak half-smile.

Zoe’s fingers started to move again, and the delicate notes of “Brahms' Lullaby” filtered through the room. Mrs. Adkins hummed along; Zoe remembered her saying that she used to hum that song to him when he was a baby. Like “Ode to Joy,” she continued to play as she watched Ben grow sleepy, his eyes drooping, but for once not filled with terrors, but soft memories and safety. Soon, he was sleeping, real sleep, a sleep that was deep and natural.

Zoe played long after he’d fallen asleep, in an attempt to ward off the nightmares that so often disturbed his slumber. She played through suites, opuses, odes, and lullabies. It was the longest concert she’d ever performed, but she wouldn’t have had it any other way. Ben had been home, really home, even if just for a few minutes. It was progress.

She was utterly exhausted when she packed up her cello hours later. But the exhaustion was tempered with satisfaction. It had worked. They’d successfully drawn him out from behind the walls he’d hidden behind.

Mrs. Adkins enfolded her in a mother’s embrace. “Thank you for this, Zoe. I think we can see a little light at the end of the tunnel. Just a bit.”

“I hope so. I’ll come back tomorrow and play some more.”

“That would be great. Get some rest. I’m sure that was tiring.”

“Worth every ache just to see him look at me for real.”

“Yes. Me too.”

Zoe walked over to Ben and dared to touch his shoulder. He was sleeping soundly and did not stir. She started to lean down to kiss him and glanced at his mom for permission. Mrs. Adkins was still sitting next to him, still holding his hand. The older woman smiled warmly at her and nodded.

Zoe leaned down and gently pressed her lips to Ben’s temple. Her fingers grazed the deep scar over his cheekbone where he’d clearly been beaten.

“I love you, Benny Bear,” she whispered into his ear. She stood and gathered her music, stand, and instrument. It took her a few minutes to get everything packed away.

“See you tomorrow, Mrs. Adkins,” Zoe said, with a yawn as she shrugged her cello bag onto her back.

“Yes, darling. I’ll see you tomorrow. I know he can’t say it right now, but he loves you very much.”

“I know. But thank you for telling me. I hope you know how much I love him.”

She would have given anything to hear Ben say it, but knowing his mother knew it meant she could wait until he could say it himself again. And he would. She was certain of that. She might not know the timeline, but she would get him back. There was no world in which Maria and Zoe wouldn’t fight with all they had to pull him back from the brink of the nightmare world he was trapped in.

“Oh, I know how you feel,” Mrs. Adkins said. “You’re so good with him. I know it’s hard, but you’re doing great.”

Zoe smiled at this. “So are you.”

They both shared a sad, but hopeful smile with each other before Zoe turned for the door.

*!*!*!*!*

Mrs. Adkins watched the young woman leave.

“Benny, my boy. I know you think you hid that ring where I couldn’t find it.” She delicately ran her thumb along the back of Ben’s hand. “But you picked the perfect girl. She’s amazing, and I truly hope I get to see the two of you married one day.”

Mrs. Adkins settled in a bit more comfortably on the bed and returned to humming Brahms’ Lullaby. She didn't let go of Ben’s hand.

*!*!*!*!*

Ben sighed in his sleep. In his dreams, he drifted back in his memories to a time before Volkov and all the horror. He ran his fingers along the glass countertops of the jewelry store.

That one! That was it. He pointed down to a delicate band of white gold; Zoe didn’t like yellow or rose gold. The band was simple, but the diamond set was ornate. It was surrounded with multiple different types of green gemstones - emerald, peridot, tourmaline, green sapphire, and kiwi topaz. It was perfect. The multiple shades of green reflected the deep clear green of her eyes.

Ben smiled broadly as he made his choice. He was ready, or as ready as he’d ever be, to propose to his girl. He glanced out the window to the bright sunny afternoon and whooshed out a nervous breath. This was it. He was really doing it. He was buying an engagement ring.

He’d known it was Zoe from the minutes he’d seen her. Maybe not literally, but it felt like that. They just fit together - they got each other. As he was handed the ring in its little box, he couldn’t help but hum his favorite hymn. He walked out the door with “Ode to Joy” on his lips.

Somewhere in the air above him as he headed for the park, he heard the notes of Brahms' Lullaby drifting through the air.

Ben sighed contentedly in his sleep, his fingers flexing to grip his mother’s. For once, his dreams were happy and the pain was forgotten, held at bay by the music he knew was just for him.

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darkthingshappen · 2 years

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Brother's Keeper Face Claims

This is a post for all of my face claims for my Brother's Keeper series.

Ben Adkins (Charlie Rowe)

Alexsei Volkov (Philippe Joly)

Dmitri (Pasha Lynchnikoff)

Ilya (Alex Stines)

Andrei Federov (Danila Kozlovsky)

Jake (Jay Ryan)

Zoe Doyle (No idea who she is - let me know if you know her)

I picked these images for look rather than anything specific about the actual people or actors. SPECIFICALLY - for Charlie Rowe and Jay Ryan, these are from when they were on specific shows. For Charlie Rowe its the age he was and the look he had on the TV show Salvation (2017-2018) and for Jay Ryan it's the age and look he had when he was on the TV show Beauty and the Beast (2012-2016) I hope you like the face claims and find them helpful when reading my story to picture each of the characters. The only one I'm currently missing is Nikolai, so I may eventually update this post with a face claim for him as well.

#brother's keeper #faceclaims #face claim #whump #whump writer #whump community #benjamin adkins oc #alexsei volkov oc #jacob adkins oc #ben adkins #jake adkins #dmitri oc #ilya oc #andrei fedorov #zoe doyle oc #zoe doyle

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darkthingshappen · 2 years

Note

Random ask. Hope you don't mind!

As a kid, what did Ben wanted to be as a grownup. What about the others? Andrei? Zoe? Jack? Volkov?

Feel free to ignore. Thank you!

- 🐢 anon

Ben has wanted to do something in the science field since he was a boy. He loved rocks and dirt and experimenting with things he probably should not have been. He was always taking things apart to try and see how they worked. It’s just always been a part of him.

Zoe wanted to be an astronaut at one point, but then she discovered the cello and she fell in love. It was something she could put her hands on and create. In Zoe’s head, she sees the music. Like she sees the notes float off the page and take on shape and color. It’s just something she gets and she’s never looked back.

Jake wanted to be everything. A fireman, a race car driver, a mechanic, a boxer, he cycled through a lot of dreams. None of them ever worked mostly because he didn’t stick with them long enough. He is a pretty good mechanic though just not a great employee. If he could ever get his head on straight, he’d could make some good money as a self employed mechanic.

Volkov wanted power. He spent a lot of time not in control, and his stint in prison only reenforced this. So from the time he was a teenager, he did what ever he could to consolidate as much power and control and influence as he could. He studied people and their behavior and learned to be a masterful manipulator. He’s charming and amenable… until he has you in his clutches.

#asks #answered asks #benjamin adkins oc #ben asks #jake adkins #jake asks #zoe doyle oc #zoe asks #alexsei volkov oc #volkov asks

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darkthingshappen · 10 months

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Aaawwweee! I want to give Ben all of them! 🥺❤️

Ok gotta make a choice🤔

Let‘s give him: 🥰+🍳

Post Nightmare Cuddles and Breakfast in Bed

Ben awoke with a start. He was gasping for air and covered in a cold sweat. He sat up and pulled his knees to his chest. He pressed his head to his knees and tried to calm his breathing.

“Benny? You okay?" Zoe said, rolling over next to him in bed.

She rested her hand on his bare shoulder and he flinched. She pulled her hand away and sat up to be next to him. She gently rubbed his back, her fingers absently tracing the lines of scar tissue that criss crossed his body.

She didn’t say anything. She simply waited with him. Waited for him to come back to her.

“It was just a dream,” He finally whispered. “I’m okay. I’m… I’m okay.”

Ben was still panting. It felt so real. He could feel the cuffs on him, the collar, the hands… Ben scrabbled his fingers down his face.

“I just need a minute. I’ll… I’ll be back. Go back to bed.”

Ben tossed the covers back and got up and walked to the window. He threw the curtains back and stared out at the moonlit night. The air in the room chilled his damp skin. He flexed his fingers, his palms giving a slight throb at the stretch around the scar tissue.

Being able to see the wide open sky always helped when he felt like this.

A moment later Zoe’s familiar hands were on his shoulder, her soft, warm body pressed up against his back.

“It’s okay, Benny. You haven’t had a nightmare in a while. Deep breaths, my love. It’s okay.”

Her hands moved slowly, caressing from the back of his shoulders, around his strong arms, over his chest and then flattened out over his abdomen. She rested her head on his back and they swayed slightly in the moonlight.

He laid his hands over hers. She was right, it had been a while. The demons that haunted him at night were long gone, but every now and then, they reared their ugly heads and tried to claw him back again.

He turned in her arms. “I love you. You’re so good to me.”

She rested her head against the solid plain of his marred chest. Again her fingers traced the scars on his body, the ghosts of old tattoos that were long since removed. She’d memorized every mark and kissed the hurt away from each and every one of them.

He rested his cheek on the top of her head and together they stood in the quiet and the dark.

“I love you, Benny. You’re so good to me as well.”

“Hmmm,” he hummed into her hair.

Zoe listened to his heart rate slowly calm down. There had been many a night she’d helped him battle his demons. But they grew less frequent as time passed.

Finally she looked up at him. “Come back to bed?”

Ben exhaled and nodded. Zoe sat and pulled him to her, pulling the blankets up to cover them both. He pillowed his head on her breasts and she stroked his hair and kissed the top of his head.

“Rest, my beautiful darling. I’ll keep watch for a bit.”

Now it was Ben’s turn to listen to a heartbeat. He let the slow steady rhythm of it lull him back into a peaceful sleep.

*!*!*!*!*

Morning arrived with the sound of birdsong and the smell of coffee. He breathed a contented sigh as he thought over the night before. The nightmares sucked, but at least he wasn’t alone.

Zoe came into the room and handed him a steaming cup of coffee. He could smell the hazelnut. She settled in next to him and they both drank in quiet solitude. He read morning headlines on his phone while she scrolled through social media. It was all so mundane. He wouldn’t have it any other way.

Was he whole? No. Part of him never would be. Was he happy? Completely. There were things that he’d wished he’d never experienced, but they were all part of who he was and how he came to be in this moment right now.

He pulled Zoe towards him and kissed her temple. She smiled at him, placed her hand on his cheek and pulled his face toward her. Their lips touched and Ben wondered if he’d make it out of bed today. If he didn’t it would be okay.

Tags: @i-can-even-burn-salad @peachy-panic @deluxewhump @arwenadreamer @whumpcereal @melancholy-in-the-morning @dont-touch-my-soup @whumpsday @keeper-of-all-the-random-things @whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump @oddsconvert @melennui @susiequaz12 @morning-star-whump @crystalquartzwhump @whump-and-other-things @mylifeisonthebookshelf @reflected-pain @hold-him-down @quietshae @quietly-by-myself @there-will-always-be-bloodblood @whumping-seven-days-a-week @hiding-in-the-shadows @mj-or-say10 (I hope I’m not forgetting anyone - please let me know if I am and I’ll fix it. I’m still getting used to this)

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