vizthedatum

[vizthedatum]

do you ever hear people talking about something and you’re like. fuck. let me be real for a second. i’m too much of a commie to have this conversation

[vizthedatum]

There will no longer be “the one who got away” attitude from me - I don’t want to be in yearning. And also it helps me forgive myself for past, immature actions or just things I couldn’t control.

If it’s meant to be, then it will be for however long it is. And I’ll be okay if it’s not.

I can trust myself, and I can trust my ability to be more authentic so I can love and respect people more appropriately, as I keep learning in this life. (Including respecting myself without moral judgement!!)

#goals #life goals #affirmations #healing #neurodivergence #trauma #love #self love #queer #prose #relational love #relationships #polyamory #poly #heartbreak #sapphic yearning #yearning

[vizthedatum]

Is it okay for non-binary people to wear Packers?

anybody can wear a packer idc

#our queer experience #queer #anyone!

[vizthedatum]

I am 34 today, and I still have so much to experience and do.

#healing #self love #birthday

[vizthedatum]

Do you think we can choose our own archetypes or are they created for us? Or both??

#existential #philosophy #healing #archetypes

[vizthedatum]

I think I’m starting to understand that surrendering to the journey has helped me learn the lessons I needed to make the decisions to be better to myself. Of course, I didn’t deserve hurt, but trying to hold on to the outcomes and being so stressed now when I’m healing… is also holding me back.

I don’t know how many lessons there will be or how they’ll feel.

And that’s bittersweet.

But I think I’m headed in the right direction.

#healing #neurodivergence #trauma #love #self love #prose #life lessons

[vizthedatum]

It's my birthday eve, and suddenly... things seem more hopeful (I think it's because I had a really uplifting weekend with my friends).

My body and grief can really overshadow all the joy that the world can provide.

#healing #neurodivergence #trauma #self love #friendship

[vizthedatum]

Party went well. A success.

It felt different from last year’s birthday.

Felt self-conscious about having parties like this… because I really do love them and maybe it felt selfish.

But everyone had such a great time, and it was truly so nice.

Hard being so feminine in a group of people but maybe that will also feel better.

And it helps me heal my self-consciousness too.

#healing #birthday party #neurodivergence #self love

[vizthedatum]

Okay birthday pies out, I am showered, and I’m off to see a movie with a friend before my party which all hopefully goes ok

#birthday prep with anxiety and optimism

[vizthedatum]

Fuck. My place is mostly ready for my party although I still have to refill soap and wipe down surfaces. And do the dishes from making my pies. And take my laptop upstairs.

And shower.

And get the pies out of the oven

Before I leave in 20 min to see my friend (I love him 🥰)

But yeah I just threw up (last time I threw up was when I was having my pregnancy scare in December).

It’s likely because I’ve been so fatigued, flaring, infected, on antibiotics, and on so many supplements. And I’ve been working a lot. And I pushed myself yesterday cleaning even though my friend helped for a couple hours :/

—

I know it will be ok if I refill the soaps and arrange the chairs when the party starts tonight. I know no one will mind.

I probably can’t do a complete makeup look today either. Or put on the nails I wanted to put on :/

But I will see my friends and that is the important thing.

#healing #sick BUT MOTIVATED #PREPARING FOR MY BIRTHDAY PARTY #self love #sick #journaling

[vizthedatum]

Tonight I cried in my imaginary wife’s arms

I miss the casual and natural softness I so willingly gave

I miss that part of me

And now that I’m learning how to unmask and traverse in the unknown…

I wish I didn’t lock that part up or shroud it in fear, resentment, anger, hurt, and grief

She wrapped her entire body around me, and even her hair reached out to comfort me

I didn’t mean to cry

She told me she knows

It’s just that I told you to make love to me and told you how, and you did it

“Of course I did!!”

But!!! I don’t even know what making love even feels like from my end anymore. I think I’ve been close - but it’s so hard to let go when everything feels like a performance where my expectations cannot be committed to… where there are expectations of me

She turned her head, and her long silvery body shifted… “but you have to build that - that trust that someone will be able to see and hold you when you can let go, just like I do”

I desperately want to unlock my softness - the real, messy, softness - up again

I realize that I crave it so much from those I let into my life

But my safety is on the line

And my heart breaks so badly, even if it’s a mature and healthy relationship

“You don’t have to feel anything you don’t intrinsically feel”

I don’t want things out of some sort of weird obligation! I don’t want care when… it just feels like a fantasy of what they think care is

I want that co-regulation that seems to only happen when I’m not thinking about it - the one I feel with my closest friends

That softness, that compassion

I want the softness from people too - the softness that doesn’t feel like a chore or a task

I cried more.

Did you know that I was so much sweeter and lovelier than what I grew into? Do you know how much I gave up?

I expected to be loved. I wanted it - I needed it.

I thought they could see the softness in everything that I do

“Why do you think they can’t or won’t still?”

I don’t feel trusting enough to even let them, I suppose

Why should I? When I know just how bad I’ll hurt again? Even if it’s not intentional, I know how bad it will hurt when… they decide not to be a part of my life

And I just always want more

I’m yearning for their softness, their willingness, their trust to build something with me

“How does one ask for softness?” she thought out loud

I wish I knew how to ask without it being a demand

I feel like I model it when I’m deeply in love

Just as much as they revel in my softness, they disregard my hurt… I feel like I’m nothing

I feel like I’m nothing

“No! You’re everything and more”

Yeah, but then my softness goes back inside of me, and it feels like it never gets acknowledged again

And what remains of me, if I cannot be soft?

#conversations #healing #neurodivergence #trauma #love #self love #prose #heartbreak #softness

[vizthedatum]

I can be anxious (because that’s how I’m truly feeling), I can tell my anxiety that I don’t need to anticipate bad things because I can trust myself, and I can trust myself to find someone(s) someday who will want to build a mutual life together where we BOTH feel safe.

I know I can embrace uncertainty.

#healing #neurodivergence #trauma #love #self love #queer #prose #it will be ok #i tell myself #I tell myself that it will be ok so many times a day #anxiety

[vizthedatum]

Perhaps the loneliness I feel is just another way my soul/body/mind/etc. is telling me… have you really figured out how to be at peace with yourself? Do you remember why you’re here?

I don’t want to just exist -

I want to exist AND ~something~

#existential #existential thoughts #lonely #I will be okay #I will figure it out #healing #neurodivergence #love #self love #prose

[vizthedatum]

You know that feeling when you’re genuinely excited to see your friends over the weekend for your birthday party but your mind gets lost in the thoughts of:

Dang I wish I could make more of my friend’s events if I had more energy and time - I’m glad they make time for me - I am so honored

The parties are really for them and I mean it

It feels lonely to just throw a party by myself… I’m organizing my kitchen and space… not *our* kitchen and space - who would even be an *our*

I hate being alone and single even though I LOVE having my own space to do with what I wish

My place looks so cool, and I think people are going to enjoy the aesthetics and the vibe

I wish I weren’t so lonely and had a nesting partner to show me off - now I just show off myself

Is it appropriate to celebrate when the world is on fire? There is just so much suffering

I should live up my single days

I’m so jealous of how one of my uncles treats his wife on his birthday and every other day - fuck will I ever find that?

I will remind myself that I am capable and cool… and my taste in aesthetics and art is very cool

It’s weird just to live for yourself even though I know that’s how I heal

I love my friends - the ones who are coming and not coming… all of them

Am I just here for my brother and friends? Is that what I’m living for? Some days it feels like that

I’m gonna try to… enjoy this life and figure out ways to keep giving back to the world

I wonder if people know how much it took to get to this place - does it matter? It’s my life and I’m here

I don’t want to have a kid when I feel so existentially lonely like this - I only want to have a child (and I really really do) when I can ensure real emotional safety

How do I even find a nesting partner? (Inner voice: who would even want me now)

When will I internally feel safe enough to truly unmask all my layers… the layers I have constructed to keep myself safe from the world so that they don’t know I’m different (autistic - but it took a long time to figure that out)

My parents don’t even like me anymore but who cares

People love me and I have to remember that

I am helping people at my job and I have to remember that

I am of value and worth to people’s lives and I have to remember that

I can always keep trying to love myself harder

I hope my nails idea works out tomorrow - I really wanna look so cute

It feels like with every passing day, I completely dismantle my old life - I transform it into this unknown cadence of living, and I’m happy for it (I really am) but it’s so scary. I have more peace than I’ve had (even with the financial struggles) but it’s so so scary

One day, I won’t be so alone even if I’m all by myself

#healing #thoughts #neurodivergence #trauma #love #self love #prose #varying emotions right now

[vizthedatum]

It’s weird to go through personal successes and difficulties when there is a genocide (multiple! Throughout my entire lifetime!).

I want to be thankful for the privilege of being in a safe (relatively) place and fighting for local change here.

But I feel hopeless a lot about what to do elsewhere - even in my home country of India and home region of Bengal.

It feels like all I can do is educate and try to lead with kindness, whatever that looks like. Even if I don’t have much to give or enough power to influence.

#just thoughts #free Palestine #living in this world #healing

[vizthedatum]

My friend helped me put so much of my art up and decorations for my party!!! My place looks so magical 🥰 I have more to put up but I have a momentum now since she just left. I still gotta pick up my antibiotics and do some chores but I can do this. I can.

I might be low spoons but I’m so excited. I might be fighting off an infection and stuff, but I am gonna see my friends this weekend!!!!!!

I’ve got 4/5 of my diplomas finally hung up too, whew. I gotta fix the orientation of one of them but that’s ok. So my office area is even more of an office area.

Things are coming together :3

#birthday planning #disabled but motivated #hanging up art #everything coming together #healing #love #friendship

[vizthedatum]

I have an infection and gotta pick up my antibiotics.

I didn’t even consider it could be that because all my symptoms bleed together (especially since I flare when I have an infection too)… but the fatigue has been getting worse :/

It’s a UTI - I have several a year DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS.

It’s really ridiculous because I am on an everyday antibiotic already to combat rUTI and biofilm, I’m on bladder instillations, I take the fucking D-Mannose and all the other things. I’m not even having sex anymore, and if I use sex toys, I’ve been cleaning them A LOT A LOT between every use AND BEFORE USE (ugh intrusive thought about how I left one of my favorite toys out because I had no energy at my ex’s and mice chewed through it, and they returned the mouse chewed sex toy back to me during the separation/divorce - fuck everything - I loved that toy).

So yeah.

I’m super fatigued and may still be having PMDD

But who the fuck knows

Bc

I have an infection and will get treated… and be even more fatigued (I EVEN TAKE A PRE AND PROBIOTIC FFS).

#uti #interstitial cystitis #PMDD #chronic pain #chronic uti #recurrent uti #rUTI #trauma #healing #health #disability #possible cause of my fatigue and mental health shit this week #ofc I threw that toy straight into the trash #I threw away so many things