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A Short Autopsy of a Career
My hands shook as I hovered over the enter button, a single press of a button to finalize a decision I had been painstakingly going over in my head for months and months. An old toy cow from my previous students’ teacher watched over me in the background, reminding me that if I left, this would be another abandonment of these kids. I started welling up and a pit in my stomach grew. This was not the loving thing to do I told myself over and over again. But I could not go on like this, crying every day as I drove to school, hoping against hope that I would get in a car crash or contract COVID; anything to get out of this. This would be destroy me if I did not get out.
So I begrudgingly pressed enter. I sent the email that would burn quite a few bridges. I turned my phone off, afraid of the repercussions, and walked out the classroom, leaving behind my keys, badge, and pass. I feel isolated and alone, a temporary feeling that will end soon, but that I must weather through.
Was I running away from a scenario where I could be loving? Maybe so. And that’s okay. There’s a point where there is a room you need to get out of; a point where you are in the wrong place and you are being told just that by yourself or by god; that you being here is detrimental to yourself and thereby also detrimental to those around you. You belong somewhere else. And for me that was this scenario. (This is actually strikingly similar to another scenario I was in a month or so ago, I truly have been on the wrong path for the past year in so many ways.)
“There are doubtless subtle surprises ahead, but I feel secure and ready”
-Sam Melville, Letter from Attica, 1961
All of this still feels like I’m making egoic excuses. It feels both right and wrong at the same time. There is this egoic franticness my mind espouses; this obsession with the future (deeply negative in abandoning my students, and deeply positive for going back into the medical/scientific field where I can really grow and make a difference). But there is also this serene sadness; this feeling that I don’t know what’s going on, but deep down this feels like the right, and difficult, move. Maybe that’s god leading me? Specifically that difficulty stems from me actually listening to myself. Me actually putting myself first and letting myself be led by my inner self, rather than bombastically barreling forward with what people expect of me. (This is why I got that gemini tattoo, to remind myself that I have an inclination and tendency to take on other people’s expectations as my own desires; to “twin” everyone I meet. Hopefully it can help me avoid that)
It truly is one of the most difficult things to do to surrender and be led. To let go, and really just allow things to happen. To not try to force things. I have talked about this before, but we are indoctrinated from a young age that in order to get anything done we must plan, we must enter any situation fully aware of what the end goal is. We must make ourselves.
But that is foolish thinking. We must let go and trust that what is happening is the right thing. It is the only thing that is happening and can happen. There is no other way for the world to exist, so it must be right. Focusing on what could happen and focusing on trying to make things happen is useless and can only bring pain. For even if that future event you planned for happens, which it most likely won’t, the joy is temporary before you go back to “making things happen”. And because you made this future event happen, it wasn’t what was supposed to happen, so it doesn’t fit in with what you’re supposed to do. So sit back, let go, and truly listen to your inner self.
For me, all of this can be applied to teaching. It was something I forced, something I made happen, in order to appease others and for other selfish reasons (better schedule, more vacation, and slightly more money). However, right from the very instant I knew this was not for me. I remember running down the street in the middle of the mid-day Texas heat in July, drenched in sweat, a time whenever I feel most connected to myself and most able to listen to myself, and hearing it so calmly “this is not for you, do not apply for this teaching certificate program”. Then I remember shoving that true and honest guidance to the side with all of these bullshit egoic rationalizations. I should have listened to myself while running.
And there were so many other red flags. The whole time I was teaching, and even during the 2 months of training leading up to teaching, everyone close to me could feel this tension. They could feel my inauthentic energy and it led to me closing myself off even more than I normally do. I remember telling my parents when I was accepted into the program, and my dad was extremely supportive, but even more so extremely tentative; saying that this is a good career but it was surprising that I would choose it, because it does not mesh with how he sees me. He has known me for a good portion of my life, and so has a useful perspective on me that I do not have.
That concept of other people having valuable perspective is not something new at all, it is something that is mentioned in the Course in Miracles and also the Bible, unsurprising seeing as they’re related and there’s many ways to speak the same truth.
“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety”-Proverbs 11:14
“Your day is not at random. It is set by what you choose to live it and how the friend whose counsel you you have sought perceives your happiness. You must always ask advice before you decide on anything.”-A Course In Miracles, T-30:30
Because I made this decision alone, without relying on the input of other people who truly know me and have a useful perspective, I have suffered greatly professionally, emotionally, and relationally. Learn from my mistakes, listen to those around you closely for counsel; and do the same for them, give good, honest counsel whenever you are asked for it, it can save so much unnecessary pain.
Anyways, I am growing in this area, and listening to the counsel of others, including my inner self, while also doling out true honesty. And it has brought a sort of tumultuous peace. Tumultuous because it is not comfortable, and I am used to my old ways of barreling forward. But peaceful because deep down I know it is the right thing to do, as I can feel a sense of serenity in my body.
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Ramblings on Limits on Faith
I laid there, my head in my boyfriend’s lap, resting against his warmth as he dozed off. Something dumb on TV was in the background, casting a bright white-blue light on two empty wine bottles on the coffee table. A tender scene of intimacy and comfort and simplicity, which I ruined. I had my phone in my hand, distracted as always, with a dating app open. My ass pics out, dick pics being sent to me left and right, all while I rested so unrestfully in my boyfriend’s lap; him being innocently unaware of what I was doing to him.
We somehow meandered to the bed and fell asleep there, but I woke up to him saying “is something wrong between us?” He had seen the texts somehow, which does not bother me, as I am an incredibly unprivate person. A deep dread entered me, and unfortunately it was not from some sense of guilt, which I should’ve felt, but instead it was from this fear and loathing for communicating to him something that he did not want to hear, for disappointing someone that I truly did care for. He cried to me, and as his heart broke I didn’t do the brave thing, I did not communicate why I did what I did and how I truly felt about our relationship, I blamed it on something else going on in my life and apologized; damage control that was blatantly a lie just to avoid the painful truth.
Thankfully, he did not buy into my poorly-veiled damage control completely, he thought it was best to at least take a break, if not fully breakup. Words like music to my ears at the time. Through my actions I was able to communicate the truth of unhappiness between us, even though I should’ve communicated it so much sooner. We tried to stay friends after, but I could not stop judging him and seeing him not for who he was in the present but who he was in the past. I could not see his perfection as an image of God. I caused him so much pain and I ask for forgiveness for that.
I have never been truly faithful in any of my relationships, except for my most recent one, which was the only time I felt like I was truly even remotely present in a romantic relationship. He challenged me to be more present in and of myself and I am thankful for that, even though that relationship is over. And that challenge was so intriguing, it was the reason why that is the only time I had not at least redownloaded dating apps if not done more unfaithful things, during a relationship. And when I was dumped, the pain was so acute and sharp, like a nail bursting a balloon: suddenly, loudly, and violently. Just like a balloon popping, this pain woke me up to how unpresent I was due to my own disordered thinking. It also woke me to how poorly I had been treating people; I have treated people, even people I greatly and deeply cared for, as nothing more than interchangeable toys. Never truly creating that sacred space for connection between myself and someone else. Never truly seeing everyone I interact with romantically or platonically or professionally as the true and utter perfection they are.
Both here and in previous posts, I’ve hinted at from where this arises. My intense need to please people and never disappoint people brings up this pain and this separation between myself and others. We often think all day that if we bring up something difficult or something unpleasant to someone else that they will react negatively.
“Maybe they’ll hate me” “He’ll end it with me if I tell him” “He’ll fire me if I express my frustration”
And we can obsess over this and turn into these little balls of stress over something that we have entirely made up. An inner play of self-inflicted torment. But when you really think about it, it is so nice to hear these things. It is so liberating to know the truth; so liberating to know what someone else thinks in earnest without the filter that comes with worrying about other people’s reactions. The pain of our expectations not coming to fruition through inaction or lies on someone else’s part is much worse than the pain of being told the reality of the situation up front. So go forth and be a blunt ass binch.
If we betray our gut instinct to tell the truth and instead go down the route of people pleasing, which I am guilty of, then we also ensure separation through inauthenticity. By creating this fake persona for every single person we come into contact with, we ensure that we cannot truly ever get close to anyone. Even if they like that persona you have created to please them, which is rare, as that kind of fake energy inevitably pushes people away, then they like not you. They like this not you because you have not at all even allowed them the possibility of knowing the real you. My most egregious way of doing this is by not being vulnerable, by being so sheltered in myself, as I have said in one of my previous posts. Specifically, I take myself too seriously. I’m afraid of being vulnerable and doing goofy, fun, or stupid shit because I’m afraid of what people will think of me, I’m afraid my inner fun won’t appease everyone. I am too serious to dance with most friends, or to sing with most friends, or act like a fool with most friends; there are a select few that I can, all women, but the story behind that is for another post. I also can feel this aggressive seriousness whenever I talk and it is silent but for my voice, a deafening silence that makes me retract into myself and stop talking as soon as possible. We all take ourselves too seriously, and sure there’s a time and place for reverence and formality, as life itself should be taken seriously, but our meager selves should not be taken so seriously. So lighten up, have fun, live a little.
uwu Live Laugh Love uwu
I am taking steps now to be more vulnerable (not only in terms of levity) with almost every person I meet, and it truly has been transformative. It is incredibly uncomfortable to let anyone, even those close to us, in and to see how we treat ourselves. To show them how cruel we can be to ourselves when we could not imagine anyone else being nearly as cruel to our friends. An odd conundrum. “Do as I say not as I do.” But with that inevitable uncomfortability of change comes this opening up to everything and this ability to receive so much more deeply. Which in turn creates a deeper sacred space between ourselves and others, it unseparates us, and that is truly all we are trying to do. I have been doing this vulnerability-increasing with my father, and have never had such a healthy relationship with him.
I mentioned faith above and how I have struggled with it romantically. However, that is not the only way that I have struggled with faith. My entire life I have struggled with faith in anything. Always cynical about everything. Flitting about from one thing to another, never truly staying in one place long enough to maintain and promote faithfulness. Specifically, my religious/spiritual faith has always been weak, and that’s still something I struggle with today. My prayer group, who I cherish deeply as they have so much wisdom and compassion to give and receive, take things in the Course much too seriously for me. They take these metaphysical concepts of the big bang, of oneness, and cosmic certitude, and apply it to the physical world. And it makes me wonder about where I should put limits on faith, or if I can even put limits on faith without it losing all meaning. Perhaps I am just intellectualizing some of the lessons and not truly taking them in spiritually, which is where this limiting comes from. At the same time though, we live in the real world. The real world is filled with fear due to our unseparation that populates the energy surrounding us. And that energy causes real physical danger to be present. I cannot be compassionate and caring and loving if I am dead or in such an emotional rut because of my situation that I am too loving to leave. To be a loving person is to be bold and to be a blessing, and sometimes that boldness requires the opposite of people pleasing, instead it requires to be brutally honest and authentic. And to do that I must take care of myself.
But where’s the limit? Where do I draw the line of taking care of myself and taking care of others (especially in a partially unhealthy situation)? When do I leave the train station if the train is not for me? So I am obviously thinking of a specific scenario, and that scenario is teaching. I come back to this over and over, that I need to quit, that I got into it for the wrong reasons, that it is unsustainable, and not a career for me at all, even though I am good at it according to my observers and students. And there are perks, summer vacation and a solid schedule, that do attract me, but it still feels like I’m forcing it?
Anyway, the main thing I am gleaning from this is that can we give if we are not in a good place? Can we give what we do not have? And if you really think about it, yes we can, and thinking we can’t is a way of scapegoating; of making an excuse for being fearful and unloving. There is no place and no situation where giving out of an abundance of desire for love does not help you feel more loved and connected, which in turn improves your position you were in. What is the pain in being loving, honestly and deeply loving? Where is the danger? It does not exist.
So for me, I am trying to incorporate that into my teaching job and see if it helps open me up to the possibility that things will be okay. However, I also know that I am forcing teaching and that goes against what I should be doing… so I am both actively looking for a way out while also accepting my current job through being more loving.
Long story short, maybe there should be no limits on faith, maybe spirituality can pervade all areas of my life. Maybe it can be like a vine growing through all areas of existence, cohesing them into a more whole union. And that’s honestly truly what we should all want, a more whole and full life. We can all take action towards this by not being people pleasers, but rather being authentic people; by putting faith in yourself that you are as you are meant to be and you will find the people in your life that will love your authentic self.
#sorry for the hiatus#teaching is fucking killing me#got damn#faith#rambling#limits#acim#separation#levity
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Tarot Date
The sun bears down on me as I sit cross-legged on the grass, staring intently at the Tarot cards strewn across a towel on the slightly damp grass. A puppy, full of energy, abundance, and love, barrels over to me and crawls in my lap. The owner apologizes profusely, and I do not understand why. This is a gift. I feel totally Loved. My Tinder “date”, a tall disheveled grad student with a fanny pack and an old Igloo cooler filled with local beer, is the next target of this puppy’s exuberance. Again, the owner apologizes and tries to grab the puppy, but we laugh and assure the owner it was more than fine with us.
After the puppy leaves, both our eyes and minds refocus on the Tarot cards and each other. The first card laid in the Celtic Cross is the Queen of Swords. My “date” responds, like any good mystical person would, with “Interesting.” I laugh as he explains to me what that card meant fundamentally in one word:
Independence.
Surprisingly, this resonated with me on a deep level. I am such an independent person, and that is something I’m proud of. Not having to depend on people for everthing is a nice thing, but, as always a fine balance is needed. Depending on people for some things is a necessary thing. We often guard ourselves too closely, make ourselves completely invulnerable to others out of this desire for independence. But in reality, we all rely on each other so intimately, and that need for each other is the true sacred communion. We need to unseparate ourselves in order to fill wholly full, and there is no way to do that independently. “Heaven is entered two by two.”
This notion of independence is not something that is unique to me. Instead, so many Americans also feel it, as it is something that runs deeply in the roots of our culture and history. Our culture is predicated on this cult of the individual, that all you need is yourself to be successful. “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” So growing up, this is all we heard, and along with the explosion of social media - and its nefarious ability to isolate us while making us think we are truly connecting - we have become so individualistic. You can see this in the most egregious way all around us: wearing a mask is seen as controversial, when it is so minute in action, but so exceedingly great in outcome.
However bad total individualism is, we cannot deny our human nature of needing to establish one’s own identity and drive to succeed. And the current economic/political system is capable of marrying the precarious relationship between individuality and communion through value-oriented regulations. Maybe many people would say that this is impossible and that there is no hope, because “people are just inherently corrupt” and “it’s not working now so why would it ever work.” I used to be like that. “Throw the baby out with the bathwater”. However, I now have hope and faith (and not capital Faith) that we can change within our current system, because you cannot actually manifest change without at least some faith that change can happen.
Even though we do not inherently lack for we are perfect in our creation, we can change in order to diminish our physical and spiritual pain.
Enough about politics.
I could go through the Tarot reading card by card, but I won’t. That seems excessive. The rest of the date went well, very well, I felt heard, understood, interested in, and Loved; and I tried my best to do the same to him, which I hope he felt too. But the end of the date was off, and the reason for this is because of the pandemic I believe.
The whole time I had been staring at his chest, covered in a red Oklahoma Sasquatch shirt, the slightest amount of hair peeking beyond the collar, toned but not too toned, and fantasizing about laying my head upon his chest and hearing what his heart had to say. As we stood up and said pleasantries as we shifted back to our individual experiences, I hoped my small fantasy would actualize through a hug at least. But he denied. COVID. Of course.
For me currently, physical touch is at the top of the communion pyramid (aka I want to cuddle after a breakup rn). And this is something others around me also place highly. My sister started a new job as a nurse during the pandemic and said you never realize how much you want to be close to new people you meet (even in a professional setting) until you have to physically stop yourself from extending a hand and moving towards someone you want to form a new relationship with. This connection of our bodies is more than symbolic, it is true connection.
Although the Course in Miracles states that our bodies are unreal and do not exist, but are instead a mere outcome of our perception of separation from others, I am unsure of how to take that. Some in my new prayer group take this literally, that we are all a singular metaphysical entity, space does not exist. But to me it seems metaphorical, we do have physical bodies, this cannot be refuted. And one way of connecting to people is through physical touch. However, this pales in comparison to spiritual connection and true unseparation.
And that’s why physical intimacy feels so good, whether it be cuddling, sex, a hug, a handshake, or a kiss. It is a physical experience that transcends itself and moves into the spiritual through physical unseparation.
I accepted my date’s boundaries of no physical touch without question, but I still walked off with a sigh under my breath, slightly slumped shoulders, and a the taste of defeat in my mouth. From my expectations of this interaction (whether that be an innocent hug, a kiss, or maybe even sex), I failed. And that’s absolute insanity. It was a Loving interaction, but because of expectations, I was blinded by the illusion that it was a failure.
We always go into every situation with some sort of agenda. “What’s the agenda for this meeting?” “What do you are you looking for in a relationship?” “What do I want out of this interaction?” And this is far from ideal, it is not only future-based thinking which detracts from being truly present, but it is also not allowing yourself to be truly empty.
By walking into an interaction with an expectation of how it will or should go, you are full beforehand. You cannot expect to go into an interaction and receive Love if you are already full, as it has nowhere to go. Similarly, Love comes from a place of non-judgment and non-attack, a place of emptiness. If the interaction does not go to your expectation (and they rarely do), then you immediately judge and attack the interaction. And so by being full you are also denying your ability to give Love to others.
Recognize this, that you must enter any interaction empty or it is doomed to fail. And realize that this does not mean that you are unprepared and not bringing anything to the table, but rather that you are present and willing to engage in a more meaningful way that shifts with the motion of the interaction, instead of dogmatically sticking to a preconceived notion. Similarly, the “goal” of the interaction is the interaction itself; it is trying to connect with someone, not in any specific way nor to any specific degree, but the attempt at unseparation.
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Burden, Labels, and Throwing the Towel In
I can vividly remember the exact moment that I tried to kill myself. I stood in my room at my dresser, with a bottle of pills, alone, crying, inconsolable. I had switched out the pills in a vitamin bottle with Tylenol PM, I didn’t want my mom to find out what I had done. As if she wouldn’t notice her dead son. But I didn’t think of that, I just wanted to waste away alone, never to be a burden again. And so I swallowed all of the pills in 6 mouthfuls, each one more painful than the next. I past out shortly after. I remember waking up on the bathroom floor, covered in vomit, my mother banging on the door, before I slipped away again. I finally woke up in a hospital bed and was transferred to a psych ward shortly thereafter.
Unsurprisingly, this was a difficult experience, but also a transformational one. I would not be who I am today if not for this dark moment. It was sobering. In the hospital, I saw stranger-peers in some of the greatest emotional pain I had ever seen; I heard stories that emptied me and made me feel absolutely hollow. I realized that although I have had a tough childhood, many - even those in my family - have had it much worse. This brought myself into a new perspective that has allowed me to forgive those that had failed me in my time of need, as I know they did so not out of spite, but out of inability or ignorance.
While in the hospital, I wanted nothing more than to comfort each of these people physically, through a hug, a handshake, a hand on the shoulder, something small but significant. But we were not allowed to connect physically unfortunately, out of the ward’s fear of bodily harm. So instead, we connected emotionally through our unity in labels, we were the mentally ill.
Specifically, I was “generally anxious” whatever that vague label means. I’ve never been comfortable with that label, and have always felt it as something I had to hide. I thought people would hate me or reject me if they knew that I was “weak”. And I’ve tried to unpack that and get down to the root cause of it, whether that be masculinity, shame, or saving face; I’m unsure. However, I do know that it partially comes down to never wanting to be a burden to anybody. Which is a very common worry of most people, but it’s such a weird thing to worry about when you really think about it. I love people “burdening” me in ways that I’d worry about. I love people venting to me and sharing with me things that they hold sensitively. But yet we all still worry about it.
“I should ask them to hang out, but I know they’re busy”
“I already texted him, I can’t double text him”
“I probably am boring to him”
And maybe partially this stems from the innate fear of rejection, especially by people we hold near and dear. We can never truly get away from that fear or rejection until we are truly connected with each other, as we cannot know what we are separate from. However, we can take action to try and get over this barrier; because in reality, by being a “burden” we are unburdening each other. We are helping them through bringing them closer to ourselves, and they are helping us by bring ourselves closer to them.
And that is a Miracle.
So be bold, be a burden.
Although my previous label of Generalized Anxiety brought negative emotions, my new label of ADHD has brought untold unity and connection. This is not only because of the physical effects of the medication, which allow me to obtain the clarity and motivation to think this deeply and write, but also because of the unity I find in the label. I find comfort that other people have felt this way before, that I am not insane, I am not alone. No one wants to feel alone and separate, wholly loveless. But yet we often push ourselves away from others through seeking ways to diminish this absence of love. We are self-sabotaging. One of my favorite quotes in the Course is about this:
“Yet the ego, though encouraging the search for love very actively, makes one proviso; do not find it. Its dictate, then, can be summed up simply as: “Seek and do not find.””
There is so much to unpack here between the futility of actively looking for Love -- when you can only receive what you give out -- to the temptation that seeking has over finding -- that’s the fun part we love to do after all; the grass is always greener on the other side. But, I want to focus in on how this quote relates to labels for me.
Labels, while they cannot create unity within a group, tend to also create disparity outside of a group. Although at our very core, we are all the same, we do have significant differences in our behaviors, actions, and thoughts. To find like-minded people is pure joy; it is like a breath of fresh air when you can talk to someone and really feel understood. And labels help us quickly see where those people may be, they help us Seek.
“Democrat” “Conservative” “Gay” “Christian” “SJW”
And this is not a bad thing at all, this gives us a quick way to bring each other closer, and that is never a bad thing. However, a fine balance, as always, is needed. Trekking too far into a label can create this “us vs. them” mentality. This happens particularly awfully when we start to identify more with the concept of the group than with the group itself, and this is where we give in to the ego and lose the ability to Find. We then begin to be closed-minded and the people and ideas that oppose your concepts are now hurtful because they also oppose you, as you have separated yourself and become the concept. You cannot be both the concept and the group, for one is self-centered while the other is selfless-centered. If, rather, you can identify as the group, then you can more easily accept conceptual dissonances and grow from that acceptance. You are then less likely to Attack and Judge others based on your ideology because you do not feel the need to guard it so vehemently, as it is not yourself.
So always remember that when you are connecting with people, you are not connecting with their ideas, but with them.
One specific label that has brought me a lot of agita over the past week or so is teacher. I think this is partially self-inflicted from me thinking I’m different than everyone else; and I’m trying to get into right-minded think in that regard, but uhh… we not there yet. At the same time, it is intrinsically true that I am not the concept of a teacher, although that doesn’t mean that I am not like teachers. Meaning, while the description of character and passions/desires of a teacher may not follow my own - I do not have passion for youth, or for creating great lessons, or for education in general - I am like my coworkers in that I do care for my students greatly. I can do this as a job temporarily, but I can not make it long-term. It is both a disservice to my students who deserve someone that can and will provide for their needs (especially for my students that have extreme needs that I cannot even begin to provide, as I am not whole). It is also a disservice to me for not following the path I have been set on, and for not prioritizing my mental health, which has struggled as a result of teaching the past few months.
I forced this new decision to become a teacher so hard. I knew this job was not for me, but I squashed that thought, I did not listen to Myself or God, both of which tried in vain to guide me. I also went into it for the wrong reasons: a desire to move on and not truly live in the present (Seek but do not find), a desire for a better schedule, a desire to be someone I’m not - I can lose myself in others that are close to me like I said - a desire for a “better” job. I will get on the right path again by leaving education quickly and going back into the medical field in some way. What way, I am unsure of yet. I am confident though that this is the correct step back onto my path.
This is a recurring theme for myself and many others as well: we force ourselves into who we think we are or who we want to be rather than allowing ourselves to be who we truly are. And that’s such a tricky problem to tackle, it’s so big and nebulous. But I think the best way to do this is to let go of the past - this frees us from who we think we are - and the future - this frees us from who we want to be - and focus on the present - this sets us up to be who we truly are. This is not to say that we should barrel forward like a bull through a china shop, never looking back or forward. But instead, we should be observant of our past actions, and try to understand the cause that underlies our non-harmonious actions through reflection. And that reflection is the keypiece that brings the past into the present and makes it so fundamentally different than the past.
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Imbalance and Thankfulness
I have been incredibly imbalanced the last few years of my life and have been living off the good will and kindness of others. I am beyond thankful for all of them, especially my sister, and thankful that they have been able to get me through years of my negative worry, anxiety, apprehension, and separation. Many people that have helped me through this time may be surprised to hear me say this, as perhaps they did not know I was so imbalanced, or perhaps they were just happy to help me out in what they thought was a short time of need. But it is important to bring this to light, although it may surprise people, as hiding this has created a distortion in the unity between myself and others. That communion between myself and others is sacred to me, as it is all we as people truly have: connection to one another. So I need to resolve this distortion to feel whole again. And that is such a tricky thing to do when I should feel whole and content currently according to society: I have clean water, I never go hungry, I am surrounded by people I care about, I have a good job, I live in a nice apartment in a great city. But still something is missing. All of these things are so external and so materialistic, they do not focus inward on my true self. My true self has been neglected for years, and that is the root cause of this imbalance. Regardless of all this, for my family and friends that have helped me, I am endlessly thankful.
I opened my eyes to this reality of imbalance after my diagnosis and treatment for ADHD just a week ago. After a short 30 minute meeting with my new doctor I logged off from the appointment with a pep in my step and a feeling of knowledge that this one thing would turn my life around. I am naive sometimes. For sure, being medicated for this disorder is like a breath of fresh air, a sense of calmness and motivation and exuberance for life has grown incredibly quickly within me. I feel as if I can actually listen to people and respond without getting sidetracked internally; words aren’t jumbled in my head like an unsolvable puzzle; I am not constantly on edge, not constantly needing to find something that is easy and stimulating so that I can be absent from myself and others. It is surprising how deeply ADHD has affected me. But this one fix is not enough for me to feel whole, it is simply a tool to use in order to better myself.
I am beyond thankful for the clarity that comes with this medical change, but as I said still a deeper change needs to be made within myself. There are parts of me that are holding me back from true wholeness. I have noticed these traits and have lied to myself and others about them; I have spent enormous effort in trying to establish a reality that does not exist. And the reason I do that is just because I want to make sure that others love and accept me, and my imbalanced self thinks that others will like me more if I’m “good”. Whatever that means, it’s fucked up. I think we all do stupid stuff just to feel loved and accepted, and there is this weird shame placed upon that desire for some reason. We always want to hide that most basic desire, whether that be because of toxic masculinity saying men have to be “strong” or out of fear of rejection. But it is universal, no one wants to feel left out, and so hiding something that everyone has is pointless; embracing your innate social desire is the only way you can truly be loved and accepted.
Anyway enough rambling, here is my list of traits that are getting in the way of my wholeness
I do not truly love or accept myself
I feel separate
I am complacent
I am closed minded and stubborn
I flee from conflict
I resent and envy others and thus cannot truly forgive them
I don’t stand up for myself
I lose myself in others
I do not know myself
I do not mean to sound negative, the list of things that I love and cherish about myself is even longer than this list, and I am thankful everyday for myself and the path I have been placed on. But, in order to feel truly whole, these are the things I need to focus on. I am expressing this not only because I want to stop hiding anything, as I mentioned above, I also want to normalize these feelings. We are currently living in a strange time, and everyone feels off, and saying these things can normalize the extreme offness we are all feeling. These are big changes that I am shooting for and to get to the heart of them, I need something bigger than myself, something deeper than myself, something more than myself and my physical world.
Growing up I have always eschewed traditional religion. Between fighting my parents everytime we had to go to to church and “trying out” every non-Christian religion my mind could think of (buddhism, wiccanism, druidism, satanism, etc.) when I was 13-18, my parents gave up on trying to mold my beliefs. While part of this rebellion was out of my desire to divorce myself from my parents and create my own identity, as every angsty teen is want to do, I still think that traditional religion does not work for me. However, after listening to Marriane Williamson (we stan) talk about A Course in Miracles, I believe that that book could help me solve so many of my imbalances I mentioned above. So I will be writing out my thoughts about it on here as I work through it, along with other thoughts I have.
Writing this has been truly cathartic and I am so excited for this new future with myself.
I feel like I can truly act with clarity and meaning.
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