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alltheanxiousthoughts-blog · 4 years

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JUNE 28, 2020

I’ve always seemed to take things really hard. I struggle to leave my family for long periods of time, I take it hard when I lose someone important to me whether it’s a breakup or a death, and people’s opinions hurt me. To be contradicting, I act tough. I let a very small amount of people see what’s going on in my life and even then it’s very surface-level material. When I have head fog, or at least that’s what I call it, I zone out, I don’t deserve nice things, I deserve to be alone. But it hits quickly. I’m not sure how to explain it. For example, yesterday I was sitting in a friend’s hot tub with some other friends and I felt a little drop in my heart and a sense of anxiety, but all my thoughts begin to jumble until the 30-second craze stops and I can finally make sense of what just happened. It’s hard to tell when it will happen or when. Night times trigger it much more and I think that’s because night time is the time you lay in bed and think about things. Not even just that, there’s something else we don’t think of. The times I’m texting my friend in the middle of a fight, I’m hearing the words “I can’t do this anymore”, it’s all at night. The bad texts and the bad things happen at night. Parties, alcohol, drugs, that changes people, but I can’t say that I’m perfect. I’m pretty fucked up too. There are two of me in one, but they are still the same. I heal from laying in my bed, it’s like it recharges me. My anger has gotten me into a lot of places with a lot of people, but it’s not screaming and yelling, it’s just straight-up being rude and bitchy for no reason, but I feel miserable, BUT what for?

As a semi-confident woman, I need to clarify my above statement. I don’t care about most people’s opinions, but there are some people that I feel like NEED to like me. Some of those people include those that I care about because I value their opinion and I think that’s what I should’ve said above rather than “caring about people’s opinions”. I don’t really care, but I have that instinct inside me as I grow older and have been hurt by many before, that people don’t like me. They might not have a reason or might not even know me, but something in my head tells me that they are talking shit on me. I get anxious. The other day I went to a party and 75% of the people there probably didn’t like me for the many reasons that I will never know, but I started to shake. I couldn’t breathe. I was anxious and even my pen couldn’t calm me down. No one should have to experience that. What makes me the angriest is that it’s always the girls who have an issue. Being jealous doesn’t look good and of course, I get jealous of pretty girls, but I don’t talk down on them to make myself feel better because spoiler alert that doesn’t work.

#thoughts #anxiety #depression #bipolar #nonprofessional #write #women #read #blog #blogpost #crazythoughts #goingcrazy

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