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anetherealpieceofmind · 5 years

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Déjà Vu

As usual, I apologise for not updating the post as often as I would like, but I have this tendency where I do not write as often and sincere and heartfelt as when I have problem. So happy times are those days where I do not write (yeay, I guess?) and the times that I do mean that I am distressed.

Okay to catch you guys up in speed here is a brief background of the thing that I would like to write: I meat this guy, Wei, on Instagram on October 15th. I know, my last post about Dr. Winch was on this date too. Wei messaged me on Instagram asking if it is okay if we get to know each other. He has been following me for I don’t know how long because I have my notification muted. Long story short he was like a firework. He was very eager to advance our relationship to boyfriends as soon as possible. By 2 weeks time he already was very sure I would be his boyfriend and by 4 weeks I gave in and we made it official on November 8th, 2018.

He booked a room in a 5-star hotel and brought me a flower. He gave me a ring as a sign of his seriousness and I could see it in his eyes that he was about to cry. I knew that moment that he was very serious and thus, I let myself go. I jumped over the edge, plunged myself into the pit that is love. I tried to still be cautious but over time I lowered my inhibitions.

Fast forward now, February 1st, 2019. We have not met for the last 17 days. Originally, we scheduled to meet today after work but he got a meeting with investors so we reshecduled. The last time we met was January 15th when he came to my house to see me because I was sick and we went out for a dinner. It was one of those perfect nights where we cuddled and laughed and chatted together. Everything was in place. Then, everything went downhill after that.

The week after, our meeting was cancelled due to him got sick. Understandable although I was feeling a little bit bummed. I tried to be supportive but he did not respond as much as I would like and I tried to be understanding as well because when I was sick I did not reply to his message often too.

The following week, which is this week, he recovered from his sickness and suddenly got super busy. Like, Mark-like busy where he did not even had the time to tell me he was going to be in a meeting and while in a meeting he did not reply to any of my messages. The replies were all spaced between every 1-2 hours. Yesterday I tried not to initiate a chat and we almost completely did not chat apart from good morning and good night.

Today, I woke up early to go to the gym and I did not greet him. Around 8, he chatted me and said that he needed to talk. He called me with my name, instead of the usual term of endearment. My heart skipped a beat. Our meeting today is cancelled and will be rescheduled tomorrow, and I am not sure if I have the mood to go to my French class. The thought is too burdening for my mind.

On top of that, he asked if he could have his Macbook back. Previously he lent his Macbook to me for me to use for my freelances and designs. He said that he is going to travel for work next week and he needed the Macbook because his work laptop is very old and unbecoming to be shown to investors. Somehow, there is a thought in my mind that he is preparing for a break up. He wants his stuff back.

What I did not understand is how it could be this way all of a sudden. I checked our chat and even one week prior (the week when he was sick) we still had quality conversations. Starting from this “busy” week he did not reply as often and went missing for hours. And now suddenly he “needs to talk”. What is happening?

He told me with absolute certainty that I was the one, that he wanted to marry me, that we would have a life together, that he would never love another after me, that he knows every word that he said he would stand by it. I believed that. I thought he is the man of my life. I thought he was going to be my last.

Now, my mind is torn apart. Between still believing in that thin sliver of hope that we are okay, that what he wants to tell me tomorrow is simply that he is going to be busy and he is going to ask for my understanding, and in that that this is probably going to be the end because of one or other thing that I do not know.

We did have issues in the past that we are trying to overcome. He is still going to the church with his ex and his ex’s family. I was not okay with that initially but he assured me nothing was going on between them and that his ex’s family is just family friends. I tried to swallow the disturbing thoughts that I had and tried to believe in his words. He had issues with me having too many gay friends and he deemed that it was too dangerous that I hang out all the time with them. It is all fixable and not a big deal. I can hang out less and go out more with my girl friends all the while trying to be more secure that he and his ex are done.

Then came Christmas where his ex gave him a watch, that he conveniently always wears in Instagram photos and when he is meeting me. I never mentioned it because I tried to be understanding that it was only a watch, and it is a good watch, but I feel like he does not take my feeling into account when he always meets me wearing the watch that his ex gave. I really really hope that this is just my paranoia talking. I really really wish they are really done.

And if it is not his ex, I cannot see any other logical explanations. Yes, we are two different people, basically from two very different backgrounds. He is less up-to-date with what is happening now and I am perhaps way more liberal and current in trends. We do not have the same interest all the time, but we get along pretty good. Family and daily life activities and love expectations are the things that glue us together in conversations, but he could be feeling disconnected from my kind of topics. If he is feeling now that we are not a match simply because we have different views, different values, different interests... I think it is very unfair. He intentionally sought someone who is different from him to “add colours” to his life, and now after basically “forcing” me to quickly make official our relationship, he suddenly is backing up?

One small part of me is really wishing that he just wanted to update his life and prepare me for his busy schedule, which is something that I can do, if I have prior communication. I cannot do things without him telling me what it is he wants me to do, I need to know what is happening. I do hope that tomorrow nothing serious is going on. I hope we can continue what we have build for almost 3 months. I can only hope. I will fight for our relationship.

#february2019 #love #heartbreak #boyfriend #diary

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anetherealpieceofmind · 6 years

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Distress

Today is Monday, October 15th.

Last night I watched a TED video about the things that really matter at the end of life. He is a palliative medicine physician who through an unfortunate accident, has lost 3 out his 4 limbs. Almost during the entirety of his speech duration he looks like he was holding back tears, his speech was moving about life, regrets, sorrows and things that matter and do not matter when someone is about to die.

For some peculiar reasons I could not watch the video in a single sitting. I almost burst to tears mid-video and I took a break, went to have dinner and then went back to finish the video. By the end of the video he said this:

Parts of me died early on, and that's something we can all say one way or another. I got to redesign my life around this fact, and I tell you it has been a liberation to realize you can always find a shock of beauty or meaning in what life you have left, like that snowball lasting for a perfect moment, all the while melting away. If we love such moments ferociously, then maybe we can learn to live well -- not in spite of death, but because of it. Let death be what takes us, not lack of imagination.

I went straight into the bathroom and cried for a good 15 minutes.

I do not know why but I have been a real emotional mess during this past 3 or 4 weeks now. Since mid-September, I have been having this know inside my chest wondering about why Mark did not text me or why he has been distancing himself from me. As it dawned on me as days went by, and how the Bali trip made me realize that we were doomed to fail, I still could not bring myself to accept the fact that he did not want to be with me.

Maybe I made excuses for myself with this closure thing, and when we finally met last Sunday I still denied the reality because of his words. He did not outright reject me. I was still clinging, pining onto that tiny sliver thread of hope and wanted to be made sure via a harsh, confrontative manner that he indeed did not want anything to do with me. But I did not push it and nor he responded to my messages at all.

I cried 4 days out 7 days during the first week of October. It was Monday & Tuesday (October 1st & 2nd) when I cried the most and I did that at my office. I cried alone for what felt like 30-45 minutes inside the toilet stall because I could not be seen having swollen puffy eyes. Last week I think I cried only 2 days out of 7, including last night. I felt so miserable and devastated, and yet I still could not bring myself to let go and move on. Yes, with each day that passes by the memory of his fades a little, but it also makes me sad. I thought we meant something. I thought he felt something. I thought I mattered.

Perhaps I am naîve. Perhaps I am gullible. Perhaps I am foolish. I expected too much, I gave too much, I rushed to quickly. I was drunk with the illusion that a smart, handsome man like Mark could be my partner, that we would be compatible in every way but it was just a mere projection, a hope that was never true. What kept me together with him was another silly hope that if I was kind to him, he would finally see and accept me. That did not happen, and it only made me much much much more hurt.

I have been waking up for days now and the first thing that pops up into my mind when I open my eyes is to check my phone and see if he messaged me. Of course he did not. He has practically erased me completely from his life. No longer he is following me on social media nor we have an overlapping network of friends. He still saves my number because I still can see his online status and his profile picture, but that is it. We go to the same gym, we live nearby, we have the same hairdresser but we never met for the past 3 years, and the odd is that we will never meet again.

I still feel very bummed about the whole incident, I still feel stupid and used but of course there is this little part in me that wants me to be used, to be stupid as long as I can interact again with him. I can barely remember his tender voice, and I fear that I might forget it completely. I am displaying a series of withdrawal symptoms, as Dr. Guy Winch once said (I read his book). Now all I need to do is to fight the urge and stay on to the path of recovery, because I want to heal, and I want to be happy again.

#october2018 #love #heartbreak #crush #diary #recovery

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anetherealpieceofmind · 6 years

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Withdrawal

It has been one week exactly since the last time Mark and me met. We met for the last time on October 7th, where we had a fight over the Instagram thing, and as I wrote here I texted him a clear explanation of the timeline with no reply.

On Monday, October 8th I tried to greet him good morning trying to lighten up the mood to no avail. At noon, I sent a picture of a camera my friend was selling (he mentioned he might want to switch from DSLR camera to mirrorless camera) and his reply was curt. “Thanks, but I don’t need a second camera” was his last message to me. In the afternoon I saw that my following request to his Instagram has not been approved, and further more he was no longer following me. It struck like a thunder again into my very heart.

I inquired again about that asking was that another glitch, and he did not reply.

Tuesday went with no contact whatsoever. Wednesday too.

Finally I succumbed to the urge to text Mark for one last time. Originally I wanted to make it short and concise but as I was typing I realized this might me my last message to him so I rambled a little bit. Here is what I typed:

Hey hey.

I don't really know what's really going on on your mind and I wish you would've opened up more to me because I am willing to work through your issues and share your burdens because I like you and I care about you.

But I get it that you need your time and space to work through them. Cat said as much too that when you're working through your issues you tend to pull away from people. So I'm giving you all the time and space you need.

If you ever feel like chatting again, feel free to, I'm around, as a friend or a buddy or a pair of ears. No pressure. :)

I'm not one who usually believes in this sort of thing, but I just thought that we've lived in close proximity for years only to meet now must have warranted something. I don't know.

Perhaps it could serve as a lesson for me that despite our best efforts, we can't have everything we want in life or it could teach me how to be a more compassionate person. And perhaps it could teach you that it's okay too to be a little bit more vulnerable to people who care for you.

Anyway I'm sorry for rambling as this would be my last message to you if you decided not to have anything else to do with me. So I hope that all goes well for you and that you solve all your problems as soon as possible. I wish you nothing but the best and good luck for the conference tomorrow. Take care, Mark.

I feel very desperate sending him this message as I know it will not change a thing. Him unfollowing me is already a clear indication that he does not want to do anything else with me, and as he came unexpectedly into my life, so did he swiftly go, wreaking havoc and ripping me away from reality.

I reckon that this will be the last time we ever have anything with each other. Although he has been living near where I work for years, we never managed to meet each other, and only by Instagram incident we connect with each other. We go to the same gym, we hang at the same mall, we have the same hairdresser and yet we are strangers. I thought it was fate that united us, but apparently the lesson to be learned is that I cannot have all that I want.

This is actually the first time around I faced a rejection and being ghosted, as usually I was the one who is approached but I almost never ghost someone. I feel like it is cruel and disrespectful to ghost someone especially when real feelings were involved. I just still cannot believe how a man I never knew existed a little over a month ago can cause me such deep and profound pain. I could not function well at work, I cried and welled up with tears randomly, I constantly think about the past and my feelings were such a mess.

I tried to make peace with the facts that I already have. I need to close the chapter and just move on. I need to accept the simple truth that Mark is just not interested in me. I just regret that what I thought to be a meaningful month turns out to be just probably another fling for him. Despite what he said the last time we met that he was still into me, and that he was just busy, I find that hard to believe. I have multiple friends who are from different circles and we make efforts to connect and meet. I would drive 2 hours to meet my best girl friend, my friend would take me home through a 1-hour traffic-jammed situation and they are busy and they are tired too and I am too. So that is really not an excuse to not contact someone.

So with the end of this post I hope that I will not be writing much about Mark anymore, perhaps I will make a list of his good qualities and bad qualities and just focus on the bad. He will serve as a reminder for me to always keep my expectations in check, not only before the date but after as well.

Good bye, Mark. I thank you for the short memories we had. It is just a shame that we could not work as I was really looking forward to sharing a life with someone I was so into. It is hard to find someone I am so into, but I will find him. Take care now, you.

#october2018 #love #heartbreak #crush #diary

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anetherealpieceofmind · 6 years

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Confusion

Mark and I finally met yesterday. I was so ready to end things I can cite my draft almost word for word, verbatim. I could not function well in the morning because Mark agreed to meet for lunch. And then noon came.

I went to the restaurant that I know would be less crowded on a Sunday, and there he was waiting for me with his blue polo shirt and exhausted look. He greeted me and we ordered our meal. Then we talked about how things have been going on, we talked ever so lightly as if nothing was wrong, as if nothing was off.

As we finished our meal, I decided to bring up the subject about us. I asked him how does he see us. His initial reaction was surprised that I would ask this soon, and so I clarified that I meant the question was in the sense that I have been feeling like we were out of sync and that he has been distant as well. I asked whether he has lost interest in me and he said no.

And then he went on and explained that his job got to the best of him, exhausting him physically and mentally. His workload is doubled this time around with an extra responsibility as well. He thought he could rise to the challenge and it proved that he was underestimating the tasks. So he admitted that this has been a recurring theme as well with his previous relationships where when it was work versus romance he would choose work because after all, he is here for work. He admitted that he could be very short-fused and easily panic when he is under immense pressure, and that he has been bad about balancing professional and personal life.

I could not really blame him for that, after all his work should take the priority. What I regretted is that he does not leave much room anymore for a relationship, which is something that impacts me deeply. He said that he would like to keep seeing me, but with no pressure, and that essentially means that he is putting me on a back burner without a clear direction of where we are going.

We did talk about our unspoken agreement about seeing just only each other, and Mark clarified again to me that the agreement is just about seeing, not talking. So he was okay if I was chatting with someone else because he does that too, here and there someone would say hello and he would say hi back. Okay fine, not a problem for me. The problem is, with the amount of time that I have in my hands and the fact (not bragging) that I am attractive, it will not be long before I am meeting anyone.

Mark also said sorry that he knows he had the responsibility of making me happy and that he is just bad at this but sorry means nothing if there is not improvement, which is I have yet to see.

Other than that, I asked Mark about him removing me from following his Instagram account to which he expressed shock and said that he did not do that. It must have been a glitch. I just cannot believe that. It is a glitch that only happened this one time, from him to me. God knows if he deleted (or claimed that he did) his Facebook for covering up anything shady.

I then proceeded to “attack” or “accuse” him of knowing that he had done this deliberately by sharing a funny video link on Instagram through WhatsApp as so I do not check or message interaction between us. I made the wrong move and mentioned my friend, Sam’s testimony that Mark had done this to him too and he was all mad and “shocked” that I would go behind his back to investigate instead of asking him directly. I ended up explaining that I was talking to Sam that I was seeing someone (him) when Sam told me that information, and that was before I was removed from following Mark. That is the truth. Mark became withdrawn again and I feel like I am at the end of my rope now with my patience.

Another thing that I recently just discovered just today was that Mark has once again not responded my messages. I texted him yesterday with a clear explanation and the chronological order about my chat with Sam but he did not reply. I was browsing through the Instagram again and I realized that he no longer follows me and my request following him has not yet been approved since yesterday. I already texted him questioning this but he has not replied.

I am just.. confused. With the face-to-face talk he seemed apologetic and he looked genuinely exhausted, but with his cold treatment through the chat I cannot think of any other reasons except that he lip-serviced me yesterday and decided to cut off contact completely. I would have to see for the next few days to be sure if Mark is really indeed that conflict-avoidant or not.

My bet: He will not be responding to my WhatsApp message anymore as I will not be sending him any more messages.

#october2018 #love #heartbreak #crush #diary

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anetherealpieceofmind · 6 years

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Crash & Burn

Sometimes, life takes turn into a whole new direction so quickly that the emotional roller coaster that it causes might make you frozen in disbelief. I am now experiencing that rapid turn of events.

3 days ago I posted on Tumblr about the chronology of Mark and I's encounter. I described in details how we knew each other, how we progressed throughout September that we eventually had a falling out. Mark was no longer interested in me. His words and his attentions dwindled. He would reply me once every few hours, and it became much longer over the week, 6 hours, 8 hours, 12 hours. Right now, it is almost 24 hours since he last replied my messages (and I sent him a few in the span of 1 day: 1 to remind him to lunch, 2 to say that I was home and asked for his day, and 2 more this morning).

His silent treatment, or slow fading (if not entirely ghosting me), has rendered me restless. I cried on Monday and Tuesday, but on Wednesday until today, Friday, I could not bring myself to cry anymore. I do not feel sad nor brokenhearted. That ship has sailed. It was not even one week after the Bali trip that Mark started to fade, and I am here feeling used, under-appreciated and ignored, and I feel very very upset.

I never thought that he would do such a thing. He was a well-mannered person and he should know, that it is cruel and selfish and disrespectful to not even say "we do not work", to just disappear on me when he well knows that I have real feelings towards him. This is just unbelievable for me. Who is Mark?

I already drafted a short speech to say to him if we were to meet for one last time. A goodbye speech, if you will, and this morning I once again swallowed my pride for the last time and texted him that I was hoping that we could meet over a meal sometime tonight or over the weekend and told him to reply to me. I think he read the message because I saw him online for a few minutes but he has not replied. If worst comes to worst I will be sending him my final words through text, although that is not what I want to do.

I want to do the right thing, the respectful thing since there are real feelings involved and hurt. I do not understand why Mark wanted to further drive the knife deeper into my chest.

I will not be threatening him, but boy, if it were someone much, much crazier than me, and more hurt than me, imagine the thing they could do to destroy or disrupt Mark's life. I know where he works, I know his full name, I know where he lives and I can access it, I know his sister's name and I got his parents' photo. I also have found photos of him when he was younger posing in slightly inappropriate fashion. If I can find those, imagine other people.

My opinion of Mark has become much much lower and his characters are no longer attractive. I admit I feel butt-hurt because I was the one who ended up giving more and not getting enough, but I wish for once he would have the decency to actually reply and show up to meet me. For one last time.

#october2018 #love #heartbreak #crush #diary

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anetherealpieceofmind · 6 years

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Shooting Star

Hello, I am so sorry I haven’t been exactly active on Tumblr since the ban on March earlier. I still could access Tumblr via VPN but it is more of a hassle and I decided to probably not use it regularly. However, I still have the app on my phone and will be accessing in albeit in an irregular manner. Luckily, in my office, Tumblr isn’t blocked (I don’t know why because last time I checked it is still officially blocked).

Anyway, that’s it for the apology and let’s get straight into the point of this post. I would like to update on my latest romantic endeavor which lasted for a duration of almost one month with someone I will name Mark.

The Encounter

Our first encounter was back then on August 26th when I posted an Instagram story with my face on it. I was in Bandung at that time and Mark commented “cutie”. I know, cheesy. As I did not follow him at the time I did not reply to his message and I brushed it off as another uninvited comment towards my story, which has happened from time to time. For a reason unknown to me, I requested to follow his Instagram profile and he approved but I did not take any further action. I was a little bit occupied at that time. I looked through his profile briefly and that was it.

It was not until September 4th, when Mark posted an Instagram story about his birthday with some grateful phrases (with his clear, face pictures) that I began to regret to have not replied to his Instagram message back then. I then braved myself to message him a happy birthday and he replied with thanks. I could not think of anything else so I just loved his reply.

The Initial Contact

An hour later he replied again and we began to talk. It was okay, the flirts, the cheeky puns, he responded almost immediately. I got intrigued, because Mark is someone with a love for Japan, he has photos of himself with Charmander, and he loves Mario. He loves The Little Prince. He has a deep personality.

After chatting for an entire afternoon we moved to WhatsApp and the pace was a lot slower. He did not reply as fast and I felt that we did not connect as much as I thought I would like us to but I had interest in him so I continued. He confessed that he had been talking with another guy who seemed to be very busy and I said it was okay. I was on my way to letting go another guy, not for Mark, but because the other guy and I were not a good match.

The First Pang of Restlessness

On our initial Instagram chat, Mark mentioned he does not like that most guys here do multiple dating. He expressed his disdain of the thought of having to compete against someone else, or worse, some other people in the game of love. I could not agree more. So there, we had an unspoken agreement to “see each other exclusively”.

But just before that, the busy guy he has been chatting with requested a meeting. I felt very devastated. I felt cheated because at the time I thought I found someone that I liked only to have him ripped away from me before we could form a meaningful connection. Mark went missing for the whole night.

September 6th, I chatted him in the morning asking whether we were still on, and he said he still wanted to meet me before deciding who he wanted to go out with. I was put on the very spot of competing with someone else, but I said okay nonetheless.

The Meeting

Shortly after I pushed for a meeting, I waited for almost 2 hours to try to get to meet Mark. The meeting was very good overall. Mark is a well-built man, a little bit shorter than me, very masculine looking, dark-skinned, deep voice and well-groomed. He is the man I would very much like to date. I was so interested in everything that he had to say. He has been in Jakarta for more than 7 years. He loved it here. He has a good job that he loves and it affords him to do the things that he wants to do.

As the hours went away and it is time to go home, we crossed a road and he held my hand. My heart skipped a bit, my face flushed. I was beyond happy.

The Second Meeting

Our second meeting took place that weekend on September 8th. We planned to go to the gym together and then have breakfast. I did not have a class that day but he had to go somewhere else that evening, so I thought we could spend the day together before he had to go. One little misunderstanding happened when I went to the gym waiting for him to appear for 1 hour and then he showed up sweating, saying that he was working out all the time. I thought the meaning of “working out together” was we work out together, not we go to the gym together and work out separately. I did not think much about it.

We then had a lovely breakfast session and then we went back to his apartment, which coincidentally is my ex’s apartment. We finally kissed each other and made out. It was passionate and intense. The body that he has, the smell of his, it was really all I could ever ask for. He was loving and gentle, but at the same time wild and exciting. He takes great care of his oral and overall hygiene, he is well-groomed without looking metrosexual. Mark was the perfect projection of a potential boyfriend for me.

Tuesday, September 11th, was a public holiday. Mark and I decided to watch the movie Crazy Rich Asian together. It was our first and last movie together. The movie was very romantic and I got carried away, it was so Asian that it hit right at home with all the scenes. Mark remarked that his last ex, a Singaporean guy, also drove an Audi and it kind of reminded him of his ex. He said I hope I did not mind and of course, I said it was okay.

The Commitment

Over the course of the second week, I did not get to see much of him as he was busy with his work. We met for only once or twice a week and it was never as meaningful as what we had or I hoped it would have been. He mentioned that he was going to Bali for a week at the end of September and several times asked if I wanted to go. After a few hesitation I decided to say yes.

Mark was going to Bali from Monday until Sunday for a total of 7 days. A good friend of his would be joining him from Thursday until Sunday and since I could only take a paid leave for 4 days, I decided to go from Monday until Thursday, as to be able to spend as much time together just the two of us. Mark was okay with that initially, but after that he asked whether I would mind if I go from Thursday to Sunday, he wanted to introduce me to his friend.

I was supposed to feel happy he said that, but instead I felt suspicious and restless. He would rather have me with his friend for 4 days instead of just meeting her briefly for one day. But I okayed already, so I booked a flight from Wednesday night to Sunday, so at least I could have 1 night with just us.

The Third Week

The week leading to the holiday was a little bit of a hell for me to go through. I grew more and more worried about the possibilities of our future together. I could not figure out whether it was him losing interest in me, or was it just the stress that played games. Mind you, during this whole month I was working 6 days a week with very minimal workload, so I had a lot of free time on my hands to overthink and worry.

His chat began to dwindle and his sentences began to shorten into just one-liners. We could not have a meaningful chat anymore and it was mostly just good mornings and have a nice day. We did have one more steamy session at the gym on September 16th and he warmed up to me for the day but that was it.

I had a thought of probably cancelling the trip but I had already arranged and partially paid for the flight, the Airbnb, the tour to Nusa Penida island and the driver. So I wished that the trip could be an enlightening trip where I could get a sense of whether we were going anywhere or not.

Friday, September 21st, I was having a late evening meeting when I suddenly felt a jab at my heart. I was looking through my Instagram and I no longer was following Mark. He was still following me but he removed me from his follower list. I almost thought he blocked me because suddenly his WhatsApp’s profile picture went blank, but he was still replying and I did not bring up the Instagram thing and neither has he mentioned anything regarding that.

On Sunday, September 23rd, I stayed with him helping him pack. I was so tired and he was so hectic with his packing. We slept in the same bed but we did not touch each other. At one time during the night when I woke up, I saw us separated by a bolster pillow. I felt an end was imminent.

The Bali Trip - Beginning

Monday morning, September 24th, he woke up early and rushed me to shower and get ready because we had to leave when he was catching his flight. He wore a nicely patterned shirt, the one he wore when we first met and the same khaki pants that he rolled past his ankles with a pair of white Pull & Bear shoes. He was as dashing as that first day.

Mark and I did not have much conversation going on on Monday and Tuesday because he was half-working in Bali and probably he wanted to spend the day alone as well. Once again those two days were torturous for me, I kept wondering where he was and has he eaten. It was clear for me that my obsession was no longer healthy and I need to properly address it before I go out of control.

Wednesday night, September 26th, I arrived in Bali and Mark was there waiting for me. We spent the night together in the same bed but we did not cuddle. We ultimately did later that night but that was it. No more kiss. No more sweet talks. No more smile.

The next day we went for a tour to Nusa Penida island. Just the two of us, before we go to the airport at night to pick his friend up from abroad. He asked for a wefie in Nusa Penida but he did not send me the pictures. Nusa Penida was a nice island and we should have at least spend one night there with the clear blue sky and sandy beaches.

The Friend

Back to Bali island, we showered and then went to the airport to pick up his friend, Cat. I ran across the airport trying to buy Cat something to eat because her flight was at night. It arrived at 11. Cat was a nice lady, not very talkative or active but she was pretty nice.

Back at the Airbnb we had a brief talk about Mark while he was showering. Cat said that Mark has always been an enigma. He has always been a complicated person that not even her or his other close friends can figure out entirely. I kinda knew that already that Mark is a deep thinker, he likes control and he doesn’t like it when things go out of the way he wants it to be. That I know. That I understand.

Then I probed a little more about what else has he been telling about me, and Cat gave me a short but enlightening insight: Mark complained that he had to repeat things to me. I get it. I am not perfect with my English, and this is the first time since a long time that I have to use full English interacting with someone. I know there have been many misunderstandings or occasions where I upset him and he had to repeat things back to me, but I had no idea that he was that upset.

The Rest of Bali Trip

The rest of the trip consisted of me buying tickets at local price for them. I get it. They are best friends and I was nothing but someone he just met not one month ago. But I felt left out. I felt there were many differences between his treatments to me and to her. He would initiate conversations with her, he would laugh with her, he would show her something funny on his phone to her. But not with me. I was just a local guide. I was there to facilitate their trip. It was clearer to me that I was not wanted anymore and I felt pathetic of having to endure such a situation, hoping that he would change.

Cat probably felt pity because Mark barely interacted with me aside from asking whether I wanted to have my pictures taken or not, she actually made the effort to talk to me and I got to know about her job, her daily activities and how her dad would wake her and her sisters up every morning. She talked to me about being a civil servant. I appreciated it. Cat is a nice lady.

At night, during the rest of the nights Mark and I cuddled. But that was that. Nothing more. He did steal a kiss when I was asleep once, and I knew it was going to be our last kiss. It was brief.

The Flight Back

Our flight back was on Sunday, September 30th, at 10 PM. We arrived in Jakarta at 11 PM and was at his apartment lobby at 11:30 PM. We were exhausted. Originally I had prepared a short speech wanting to ask whether we were still on and if there were any hope of us making it work together, I admit I choked every time I rehearsed it but I wanted to make sure that I did not feel good and I wanted to have a clear end goal as so not to waste my time doing the same thing over and over again wishing for a different result.

In the end I did not have the talk with him. He was in no mood nor condition in having such a conversation. I had hoped for a brief meeting this week but the conversation is getting more and more sparse. I hope, I really hope I can close this chapter this week as I am tired with wishing and hoping.

I did cry these past two days as his words were getting colder and shorter. It pains and saddens me that this is the end of a shooting star. It was bright and shiny, it was beautiful. But it did not last long. My crush has ended. It was time to move on. Looking back, I remember wishing for it to be a quick and exciting crush and I would move on, but when I got what I wished for, I got greedy. I wanted it to last.

I admit it. I rushed in too early. I invested way too much emotionally too fast. I fell too hard for the perfect man. I also did not play games and I did all my best to accommodate him. Never have I ever gone out of my way to try to accommodate someone as much as I did for him. I do not regret those. I only am sorry and sad that we could not work out together.

If there is anything that I learned from this chapter, it is that apparently I am able to like or love someone so fiercely after Will, my second last relationship which lasted almost 4 years. I thought Will was the one who got away and I could not love anyone as much as I loved him. But, it turned out I liked Mark more than I thought I could, it sure turned into a mad obsession and an unhealthy amount of worrying and wondering, but if I can manage it, it serves as a good lesson for the next guy. Hopefully the last. Hope is there.

In the end I believe we held our end of bargain of not seeing someone else until we conclude this chapter. Mark was surely a person who was very reluctant to open up about his private life, I understand that he might have to protect his professional life and he has to be wary of people he meets on social media. There are some crazy people and if I, one of the sane ones can figure out his full name and his workplace among other things.. so could a crazier person. Mark was a good guy. I wish he would be more willing to be vulnerable and believe that love is not something you fall into, it is something that you choose to do. Love is commitment.

#october2018 #love #heartbreak #crush #diary

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