chappedandfadedvds

[chappedandfadedvds]

Hi, i've just found this series and love it! i think the writing is so believable and amazing! one random question i had as i am stickler for editorial details, is what car does jens drive?

Hei!

First of all!

Thank you so so so much! This is the first ask I‘ve ever gotten, so I hope I‘m doing this right 😬

And I am very excited that people find it after it is already complete. This is so cool. Especially that you like it 🥰

Now

...

..

So, yes, quite the random question indeed. Which I personally love!

I could tell you so much, that I hadn’t written, or all of the reference pictures I have pinned it, or all the deleted clips from my script. I could sketch you the house and rooms.

But the car, you see, I have no idea about cars. I am so sorry to disappoint here. Irl I ask for a number plate and colour to find a car. I guess, any car you’d like would do here.

Big Hobo Johnson fan here though, so just for shit and giggles I‘m gonna say a Subaru 💀

It makes no sense out if context, but it’s a little funny.

Again, sorry that I can’t give you more!

Much love and I hope you‘ll like the rest just as much 💛

#wtfock #chapped and faded #thanks for the ask! #vds

[chappedandfadedvds]

Chapped and Faded

Don’t You Worry - Week 13 Masterpost

We’ve reached the end!

Jens’s season is done!

Thank you for letting me tell you this story.

150k words in the end. Literally a book. A whole damn season.

I never would have thought to pull this off when I started in October.

I procrastinated on this last clip for so long, barely able to finish it in time, as I am afraid that it will ever be good enough, while simultaneously bringing this story to a close for me. It is freeing to be done though, especially as I got to write The End down below. But I am also sad, it had been my companion and motivation for so long, and I already miss writing Jens and Lotte and Lucas and everyone else in this. It doesn’t mean I’m done writing though.

Therefore:

First, I’m trying to figure out how to post my perhaps future stories on here. I’ll have to change my name, I’m not sure yet what to call it. So I’ll think about this over the weekendb and let you know in a seperate post.

Second, probably the first thing I’ll share on here as well as on ao3, will be a very long (roughly 20k) sobbe fanfic, that was written for a prompt I stumbled upon. So wait around for this one, if you would like. Probably within the next week.

Third, if you haven’t been on my ao3 yet. I had this one silly idea of Lucas and Jens meeting first via snapchat over a tiktok trend. And though it wasn’t planned, a couple of people told me that they really enjoyed it and that they would love to see it continued, so I’m actually drafting like three more chapters for it right now, that I plan to post there as well as here.

That’s it regarding the future of this sideblog. If you want to read more, just stay followed or let me know in any shape or form you see fit.

__

And last, but not least!

This is for all of you, who are always liking my posts:

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I never would have been able to keep it up as well without your support!

It’s all you, so I want to say something to you. I hope you don’t mind.

Especially @odi-et-amo85, who somehow turned into such a dear and close friend of mine over these three month. Incredible. I don’t know how or why, but I cherish you so much!

And @tayspots, who also was there since the beginning, the second person I tagged and who stayed around. I always see you and I love you.

Dear @lordzea, you beautiful human being. The morning I logged in to find over a hundred notifications, because you joined later, but liked every single post as you went through, you made my day, my week, my month. this was insane. Thank you.

@skam-wtfock-sobbe and @theah0lt, you absolute mad people! Wow honestly, you kept retweeting all of my posts over the last couple weeks and it melted my heart! Thank you! You don’t know how much of a difference this makes. Big love!

@kartoffelblume, i definitely need to text you back, I’m sorry, but I still think it is absolutely amazing that we found each other through this fandom and then you also read my story, despite not knowing it is mine. I love you! 

@my-ancient-little-sappho and @mxoonmalec I know you only read on ao3, but that you still follow the links to like all of my photos I posted in between the clips, made me so so happy! I hope you see this here as well.

@herskeletondeanbagel, my quiet loyal reader, here since the very beginning and back every day to let me know you read it. I hope I could do your expectations justice and thank you!

I can’t unfortunately list all of you, that never fail to let me know they read it and liked it. You are amazing!  I’m so sorry, I hope you won’t mind not to be listed here. Please know that you have a place in my heart as well.

And thank you to everyone who followed along in silence too! 

I hope that you enjoyed this story and that you maybe could take something from it. 

Thank you!

All clips are as always uploaded to my AO3 as one chapter

here

Week 13  - Don’t You Worry (Oh Wonder)

Jan 16th, Saturday 00:03 (clip)

Jan 16th, Saturday 15:16 (clip)

Jan 17th, Sunday 01:22 (clip)

Jan 17th, Sunday 13:31 (clip)

Jan 17th, Sunday 19:05 (clip)

Jan 18th, Monday 12:22 (clip)

Jan 18th, Monday 15:40 (insta post)

Jan 19th, Tuesday 18:08 (clip)

Jan 19th, Tuesday 23:03 (clip)

Jan 20th, Wednesday 17:35 (clip)

Jan 21st, Thursday 15:51 (lockscreen)

Jan 21st, Thursday 18:14 (clip)

Jan 21st, Thursday 23:44 (clip)

Jan 22nd, Friday 18:29 (insta post/chat)

Jan 22nd, Friday 18:30 (clip)

__ __ __

one last time: tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #masterpost #the end

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 22nd, Friday 18:29

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85​, @tayspots​

lucas just doesn’t have a lot of side profiles on his insta. damn. this edit is so bad, awful, and I’m very sorry! use your imagination and look over it, okay?

the idea is there, I hope... thanks!!!

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #last day #the end #just one clip

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 22nd, Friday 18:30

note:

I know you just want to read, but I would just like to say that I am really curious to know how many see these posts. so... if you read this and enjoyed this, no matter when you stumbled upon this story of mine:

could you maybe just leave a like on this one?

you don’t have to, no worries. and if it is just the same names, that are already showing me their love through likes and retweets, then that is absolutely fine as well. Because I wrote this for you great souls, who enganged and made me believe that I could finish this.

thank you!

oh and if you liked my writing thus far, please check the last masterpost for this week, which I’ll post later.

__ __ __

Faint music in the background. Them on the bed, stretched out on top of the blankets. On their backs, phones in hands. Each of them caught up in their own digital world as they almost inaudible hummed along the lyrics of the song. 

All the beats fell in between the silence that they shared.

Jens stared a little longer at Jana’s answer. He had felt worse with each day that had passed without his reply, which had only taken him a moment of his time, yet so much more. He turned off the screen, his phone placed next to him, before he turned his head to look at Lucas. 

The younger boy was still occupied. His fingers typing away, his lips mouthing words, that Jens couldn’t hear. He had missed this so much. Had yearned to wake up again next to this boy that had struck him one bleak october morning. Remarkable how fast he had fallen, how gentle the landing had been in the end. So easy to accept and cherish. 

The harder it had hurt to loose the thight grasp on him. Though perhaps he never truly had.

They didn’t even had a plan from here on out. Jens had brought it up on a call two nights ago, but had been cut off by the younger boy. The plan is to hold my hand tomorrow and never let go, Lucas had told him. The smile present in the soft pitch of his voice. Mellow. Calming.

Enough to stop his worry for a little while.

Lucas sighed and lowered his phone to his chest. The moment he faced Jens, his lips curled up and his eyes crinkled at it’s corners, the older boy forgot to breath. Still, after all these weeks.

„Hey, there. You good?“

It was barely above a whisper, yet it felt intrusive, too loud.

„Good enough.“ Jens replied vague, his gaze dropped in the second he spoke, before he was searching for deep blue eyes again. Perhaps this was his ocean to devote himself to.

„Well, Ies texted me that they should be here in, like, half an hour. I can still take them to my place. In case you don’t feel to well and need some quiet. That’s fine.“

„No, don’t worry. I’d rather have you here.“

Lucas huffed amsued, as he shifted closer, leaning in to kiss the older boy, eager to feel the lips on his. He tasted like bitter tea. And Jens loved it only for the times he got to taste it on Lucas’s tongue.

„Ies is so dumb though.“ The younger boy said, as he couldn’t help but chuckle and break off their kiss. Only to press his lips back with even more force a second later. Jens’s fingers tangled in brown locks of hair, as a hand run over his bare chest under his shirt.

„What?“ Jens whispered when he had halted for a moment to gasp for much needed air. He felt like he had missed a part of a conversation, trying to push away the pleasent fog clouding his senses.

„As if we would just make out for hours, when Lotte is around.“

„Sorry, what?“

„That’s what she implied when she texted me. Perhaps a bit more than just making out.“ Lucas explained. His expression graced by a brilliant smirk that needed to be kissed off his face, Jens thought. However it actually made him realise that Isa may not have been so wrong after all. And that wasn’t quite something he wanted in his mind right now.

He threw his head back onto the mattress, his eyes back on the ceiling. He needed his heart to calm and his blood to stop rushing down his vains. The tips of his fingers burning.

The sound of broken glass certainly did the trick. Jens suddenly sobered from his longing thoughts, as he instantly sat in bed, straightened up, listening past the music and past the rustling of sheets from Lucas moving behind him.

„JENS! JEEENS!“ The whine that followed already closed in as feet stomped up the stairs in rapid motion. 

Alarms went off in his head, expecting the worse. The imagine of his mom, on the floor, hand bloodied and in tears, inmidst shards of glass and red drops.

He was already on his feet a second later, and by the door in a heartbeat after, quick to push it open. 

His sister, almost infront of him, had just reached the last step. She looked fine. Unharmed. And yet a little shaken, while big eyes were staring at him in shock.

„Are you okay? What happened?“ Jens asked, a little more at ease with the knowledge that it probably wasn’t as bad as he had feared.

„I pushed the glass of the table and it broke and spilled all the juice over my homework before it fell. And now I have to write it all again.“

Jens wasn’t sure if he wanted to cry or laugh at the near heart attack and panic that he had been through just a moment earlier. Perhaps he wanted to just scold Lotte for scarying him that much.

But his little sister still looked rather frightened and close to tears herself, even if it only stemmed from her ruined homework.

He took a deep breath, not trusting his voice to sound reassuring otherwise.

„Alright. I’ll be down in a sec. Maybe you can already get the mob from the bathroom, so we can clean this before Kes and Isa are here?“ Jens suggested and watched his sister trotting back downstairs, after she had nodded and agreed.

Lucas’s arms wrapped around his middle, as he pressed his body against Jens’s back, The younger boy rested his chin on his shoulder, not without dotting his neck with a dozen tender kisses. 

„This child, I swear.“ Jens laughed lightly, already feeling better again. The last couple of weeks had proven to have been a constant up and down. He could only hope that it would begin to settle now that he believed to have find some security in his friend’s and Lucas’s company. He would be fine. 

Not now. Perhaps not next month. But one day.

„Okay then, let’s get this done.“ Lucas decided, while he pushed Jens forward and followed Lotte down. The two boys even managed to throw a brief glance into the mirror by the entrance, sorting their hair and smoothing their clothes out. To look decent, as the younger boy had put it. 

It had made Jens look at him with a confused expression, only to be met by a shaking head and a soft giggle.

Sometimes he didn’t understand his boyfriend. And he wasn’t sure, if he ever could. He hoped he would, though.

„Look, it’s all gone.“ Lotte cried in her despair, as she hold up the three sheets of paper, dripping in apple juice. Jens had to agree, that this didn’t looked too good for her, but his main concern laid with the glass on the floor.

So while he was busy to clean that mess to their feet, Lucas and Lotte put their attention towards the table and his sister’s scattered school supplies.

They had gotten it done just in time. Right before the doorbell rang. The mop was put back. The papers on the heater next to the sofa. To hopefully dry them, and leave at least the text readable enough to copy from later.

„Bonsoir!“ 

The cheery voice from Isa hit them, as soon as they had opened the door. Kes next to her shouldering two large bags, while he somehow still waved and said his own greetings with a breathless smile.

„You are here!“ Lucas declared just as excited, while ushered his two best friends in. Jens was glad he had agreed to have them all spend the weekend together. He adored to see his boyfriend this joyous. 

Jens was briefly enwrapped in a loving embrace by the girl, until Lotte shouted her name. And in an instant he had been forgotten.

„Aw there she is, my favourite eight-year-old.“ Isa proclaimed right next to him, before she scooped up Lotte into her arms. Both of them busy talking in rapid fire, about how much they had looked forwards to this. 

A hand on his shoulder that pulled him into another hug, ripped his eyes away from the two girls. Kes had apparently rid himself from the weight of the luggage to be finally able to arrive fully and greet Jens personally. It was a little more than that, though.

„You are lucky, that this stupid boy loves you so much. I was this close to come and beat you up last weekend.“ Kes said, while he only left the tiniest space between his thumb and index finger as he gestured to Jens just how narrow he had escaped his fate, his tone light and playful. Jens, however, felt rather assured that there wasn’t an ounce of a lie to be detected behind those words. 

He fortunately managed to smile through the realisation, vowing himself to better not fuck up ever again in the future.

„What, you love me? Cringe.“ Jens decided to joke instead, a cocky smirk stretched across his face. He turned his head towards Lucas, who immediately flipped him off without any hesitation.

„No. I don’t. Kes lied.“

„Shit, that hurts.“ Jens pouted in jest, his eyes blinking up at the grinning boy next to Isa.

„It should.“ 

That was all that Lucas had replied, before the five of them headed into the living room. All in order to give the newly arrived couple a quick tour of the house. Lotte darting right to the front to take on the role of the guide, eager to give too many details about everything that caught her eyes.

„I love you so much.“ Lucas had said a little later, when they followed the other three up the stairs, with a bit of distance between them. His fingers quick to grab Jens’s hand into his to squeeze them for emphasis. 

Jens stopped them halfway up, stealing a kiss and then also a second. 

One day he would feel like this, right here in this moment, at any given time. Be it when the sun was up and Lotte was ignoring him in her room, or when the night covered him in darkness and he would be missing their mom. One day he would be okay.

„I know,“ he whispered, „I love you, too.“

-End of Chapped And Faded (Jens’s Season)-

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

last note:

I can’t believe that for thirteen full weeks I kept writing and uploading this story. I have always written and almost never had found the energy or determination to finish even one of my projects.

this wasn’t easy to do, but it was all worth it to force myself through some days of it.

I did this.

I hope you all don’t mind, if I just take this moment to be proud of myself.

And I hope the more that this end is satisfactory to you.

I love you all.

Thank you.

Oh and I may have a little bonus clip on sunday.

I need to revise it, but I definitely want to take a day off.

It’s gonna jump a bit forward, but it gives a little idea on where they are heading.

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #the last clip #the end #i did it #wow

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 21st, Thursday 23:44

He felt his eyes bruning as he watched the game get closed by Lucas beside him. 

It was late and for the last hours they had been constantly talking. 

Right after dinner with Kes and Isa, to talk about the weekend and them arriving tomorrow. Lucas was already looking forward to have his friends over. They would visit Antwerp for the first time, unfortunately inmidst the pandemic, which therefore menat that they’d only get to see the trip from the station to Jens’s place. Maybe another time, it would be a little more exciting. 

Still, the sole fact that Lucas could hug his best friends tomorrow, was enough to forget about the rest.

And then at around nine the two both had bid their goodbye and switched towards the large group chat on discord, for some good ol’ Among Us.

Jens had been a bit wary as Lotte had joined them to talk to Isa, but fallen asleep halfway through the conversation. She had rested her head in his lap, as she had made herself comfortable. His blanket covered her whole and her breathing was even. He had brushed through her her for a while until he was with his friends.

Because it was loud and chaotic and constant talking and yelling over each other, especially as they were busy playing. Jens had been worried that it would wake his little sister. But she seemed to really be out of it. Hadn’t even moved, when Sander had screamed at Milan’s betrayal two games in.

Amber had voiced her adoration at the sight of the´m three huddled together on Jens’s bed. He silently had agreed to the serene bliss that showed on the little video on the screen in call.

With Lotte sleeping on one side, her head buried on his stretched out legs and Lucas to his left, pressed against Jens, it really looked domestic. The younger boy’s head fell onto his shoulder every time that Jens was taking control of the player. They were too many for the lobby anyway, so they had decided to switch back and forth between games at the start.

However, as the energy had subsideded and a pleseant weariness had made them all agree to stop for tonight, the group was still in call for a little while, just talking, checking their phones. Some already ready to go.

„Guys? Do you have like a minute left?“ Jens voiced, with Lucas turning around in curiousity. The same one that was instantly displayed by all of his friends given him their full attention. It was a bit fightening to suddenly be faced by complete silence. „I just wanted to tell you something real quick.“

Like whiplash, Jens was quickly swamped by everyone giving him words of encouragment to continue. It was hard to distinguish between the voices cracking over the speaker.

„Alright.“ 

„Of course.“

„Take your time.“

„What’s up, Bro? Spill.“ That last one, definitely had been Moyo.

„So. I know that I had been really distant, especially over the last couple of weeks. And thank you so much for sticking with me. I know I can be a dick. I didn’t mean to ghost you all. I just needed time to figure myself out.“ 

Sander looked as if he wanted to say something, but Jens just went on. He couldn’t stop here, or he would decide to defer this onto some later date. But he had promised Lucas to change, and this would be one of the steps to take. 

In all honesty his friends at least deserved that.

„This really means a lot to me. Especially since I havent really talked about everything that is going on. I promise you to do that, not today though. I hope you won’t be mad. But uhm, I actually meant it in the cabin, when I said that I will raise Lotte on my own.“ Jens paused for a second, his gaze dropping to the sleeping figure in his lap. He knew he had made the right desicion back in december. „So Today I got my court date to see the judge, who will hopefully grant me the complete guardianship over her. And I‘m really nervous.“ Jens ended and exhaled. He said nervous and it was the truth. On one hadn how his friends would react and if they would accept it. 

It certainly would complicate future plans. He couldn’t just spend a couple of weeks with them on trips, or go to spontaneous parties, or stay out after school, just because he felt like it. He knew it would change their dynamic. And he was afraid that he would loose his friends along the way.

„Wait, what? Why didn’t you tell me earlier?“ Lucas asked, simultaneously confused and surprised. It took Jens a solid minute to figure out the reason. Right, he hadn’t told the younger boy about it yet. 

„Because we were busy with other stuff.“ 

He realised to late, that this could be falsely construed. The whole voice chat was already in a struggle of wheezes and laughs as Jens quickly tried to take control back. „Calm the fuck down. With dinner. Jesus. Honestly. It was dinner preperation.“

„Yea. Only work and definitely no time for dick with this one.“ Lucas added unhelpful to the situation. It was a clear reference to the song they had listened to. The one that anybody else obviously haden’t and therefore could only worsen the glee in their eyes. There were high screeches and gasping lungs fighting for dominance on speaker.

Lotte briefly shifted, but nothing else.

Jens watched and waited. He could see Amber’s and Moyo’s wide eyes, while Milan, Jana and Robbe were clutching their stomachs. Sander only shook his head in feigned dissapointment as he grinned.

„Alright. Glad you all are having a great time.“ Jens pouted, despite the amused smile that gave him away.

„Sorry.“ Milan said, the laughs finally started to abate, only the occasional giggle slipped up.

„When’s the date?“ Yasmina chimed in. An angel, if anyone would have asked Jens. Everyone’s attention swiftly back on Jens, who pulled his phone out to check the mail once more. He definitely should write it down somewhere. 

„On the nineteenth of February. So a little under a month. Alex, our lawyer, tried to get one as soon as possible, because of the urgency with my mom. But yeah. That’s not that far from now, I guess.“

„Do you know, if it will be a hard to win?“ That was Zoe , Senne next to her, both rather calm inmidst the chaos his other firends displayed. He always felt a little like talking to parents, when they looked at him like this in unison.

„I don’t think so. We had all other potential adults sign a waiver and I’m eighteen. The only uncertainty could be financials, but that is unlikely. I have the house and inheritance and my father’s allowence. Still, it could go wrong.“

That’s what caused his nervosity in the first place, the sheer possibility that something could take Lotte away from him.

„No, it will be fine. I’m pretty sure. You have always been great with Lotte.“ Robbe stated acsolutely assured of his words, while Jana nodded in agreement in the video next to him.

Jens felt his heart ease up from tension. He was so thankful for his friends. Most of all Robbe. How had he deserved to find his best friend and keep him over all these years?

Even if everyone would leave at some point, included Lucas or anyone who would follow, Jens was frighteningly sure, that Robbe and him would stick together til the end. He couldn’t even place the reason for his strong belief. His best firend has just always been there next to him. The one constant in his life, since they met in first grade. 

„Robbe?“

„Yes?“

„I love you.“

Jens watched with great joy the face of his best friend, that brightened up into the brilliant smile that always lifted Jens up as well.

„Bro!“ Aaron declared, immediately accompanied by a stunning choir of awws and oows.

Lucas laughed next to him, his head resting again on Jens’s shoulder. He loved the weight. It meant that he wasn’t alone.

„I love you too.“ Robbe replied, still cheerful and grinning, yet certainly confused at the out-of-the-blue confession. Nonetheless both their declarations absolutely genuine in intent. Jens pondered if he ever had said these words on their own, and infront of others on top of it. But he just had felt right to say them out loud.

„Okay. Good night, everyone. Thanks for staying.“

„JENS! NO! You ca“

The audio of Luca screaming into her mic cut off, as Jens hit the red button to end the call. Quite pleased with himself. He knew that his friends weren’t satisfied with him just leaving. But it just was too funnny not to.

„So what do we do now with her?“ Jens said, pushing the laptop away, before lokking down at Lotte.

They settled on letting her sleep with them instead after Jens had suggested to carry her over. But of course Lotte had woken up from this and not the shouting voices minutes before. She had complained until Jens had told her that she could stay, to which she had asked for a goodnight kiss by both of them, before she sprawled herself across Jens’s side of the bed.

Lotte was back asleep not a minute later.

And though Jens rather would have had liked Lucas and him alone on their first night together after a week, he guessed that that would be some unfortunate part of his life now. He had said that out loud. And Lucas had only laughed on his way out to the bathroom, followed by Jens’s grumbling voice.

„Oh shut up. As if you hadn’t thought the same.“

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #the group #almost done #oh and I didn't proofread #i'm watching mcyt #soooo... #hope it is comprehensible

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 21st, Thursday 18:14

„Hey.“ Lucas’s voice chimed from the entrance, as the front door fell shut. „I still have the key, so I hope it was fine? I’m not a robber, I swear!“

If Jens would have felt his usual self, instead of the disconnect to his body and voice, he would have answered in jest. Something along the lines of that being exactly what a robber would say. Instead he swallowed down a couple of sobs in vain, as more surfaced from the waves.

He put the knife down on the wooden board, staring at the vegetables about to be cut.

His shoulders were trembling. Betraying any attempt to appear alright.

„Why are you crying? What happened?“ And there he was, his boyfriend, immediately knowing that something was up. Especially when Jens stood turned with his back towards the younger boy. 

„Oh, hi. Nothing.“ Jens told him, while he quickly brushed of tears from his cheeks and chin. He didn’t lie. „It’s dumb.“

„It’s not dumb, if it made you cry.“ 

The voice behind him spoke with worry and fear, that Jens couldn’t ignore him longer. He turned around to notice Lucas looking straight at him. It really wasn’t bad. Nothing major had happened that would warrent his crestfallen state. He simply had gotten caught up in the emotion.

„No, it actually is. I just finished listening to Taylor Swifts latest album. Like five minutes ago.“ Jens explained with a faint smirk, that didn’t raised high enough to help him over the faintest tears gathering back in the corner of his eyes. Fuck feelings, he thought. This was ridiculous. He was ridiculous.

„Okay, maybe you were right there a little.“ Lucas huffed a laugh, his face smoothing out into relief. Right before his eyes gleamed in jest. „You were actually crying to Taylor Swift?“

„Fuck off, dude.“

„No! You are adorable.“ Lucas cooed, „Come into my arms, I’ll comfort you.“

„I hate you so much.“ He tried to push the younger boy off of him, who rushed to tightly cling to his middle instead. There was such force in the way Lucas had thrown himself into Jens’s body, that it almost had swept both of them off of their feet.

Lucas cracked a loud giggle first, before Jens himself began to laugh too.

He wasn’t able to tell who started it, but as they swayed from one foot to the other it calmed them both into a comfortable state of ease. Jens hold the younger boy tightly, grateful to have him back, after he had thought to have lost him.

„I don’t even know why. But the last song. That did it. I was reminded of the last couple month, of my mom and you and I don’t know. It just fitted so well, you know? I couldn’t help it.“

Jens kissed the mop of brown curled hair, burying his face in it to hide away from the world for a moment until he could regain his composure.

„See, that’s not dumb.“ Lucas replied, while his fingers knead the older boy’s back gently.

„Well you’ve listened to it probably on loop and know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re definitely a big Swiftie, right?“

„Glad you still find some time to be an asshole while crying in my arms.“ Lucas said with a dramatic sigh, as he untangled himself from the older boy to get away. Jens realised it too late. His fingers scraped only the sweater that Lucas wore.

„No wait! Come back. We can stan together. Also Bon Iver.“ He proclaimed loudly, while Lucas laughed and left him behin d by the kitchen counter. „Rude.“

„I’m going to get my phone and then we can listen to some of your rap stuff while cooking. Or something.“ The younger boy’s voice echoed from the entrance hall for the moment to find his jacket and the right pocket. „Where is Lotte?“

„Eh upstairs. Hopefully doing her Dutch homework, but very probably playing on her Switch. Runs in the family, I guess.“ Jens said and shrugged his shoulders. He still felt incredibly uncomfortable being strict with his little sister. He didn’t wanted her to hate him, but he knew that he couldn’t let her get away with everything. Why was this so complicated? 

It left him absolutely awed by the consideration that his mom had managed that with three children.

„I see.“ Lucas replied, half in thoughts as he unlocked his phone. There was a brief sound from the bluetooth as it got connected to Lucas’s device instead.

For a moment Jens just stood and watched. Exactly a week had passed without the younger boy occupying the space that he had somehow claimed in this house. All of it within only a couple of month. 

Lucas’s gaze was stuck to his phone in hand. He blindly walked through the room, familiar with it’s interior. Oblivious to the fact how perfectly he fitted in his surroundings. A missing piece, that finally returned. And he didn’t even seemed to notice. But Jens did. 

And though it was a scary thought, it also brought some form of peace to his mind.

That was until the first note had hit and Lucas immediately looked up at him with a shit-eating grin, as he joined in to sing the first couple of lines. Jens knew he had listened to this more times, than he would like to admit.

„I'm a working, bitch

Ain't got no time for dick

You wish you could sway my attention“

Jens snorted loud and overjoyed, while he shook his head. No matter how heavy his heart had felt and how much he had tried to catch his breath again, now that Lucas had arrived, suddenly it hadn’t weighed as much any more. 

The younger boy went to get himself a knife and a cutting board, before he stole the peeled carrots from Jens’s forgotten preparations on the counter. Jens didn’t even had to ask, when Lucas already began to help get their dinner ready. 

He shifted a little over towards his boyfriend, til their elbows would brush every so often, as they sang along and laughed. And perhaps even found themselves dancing at one point, when they had nothing else to do but wait for the water on the stove to boil.

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

note: I really hope that the change comes through of him opening up more and more? idk. i hope.

also evermore came out to late for me to use it, but for a moment i thought about using that song to title week 10/11 instead. it just fits so well

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #stan ashnikko #lmao #also stan taylor swift

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 21st, Thursday 15:51

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85​, @tayspots​

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #three more clips #:)

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 20th, Wednesday 17:35

Jens yawned, stretching his arms up into the air.

„It was weird, not gonna lie. Like we were just talking and eating and it felt like there weren’t years of his absence in between the last time he had been home. I don’t know. I’m still not sure, what to feel about it. I think I want to be angry at him, but I also can’t. But I really, really want to. Though he also tried to make amends.“

His mind began to go round in endless circles as he caught up his mom about yesterday’s dinner. His father had left sometime around ten, when Lotte had already been in bed for a while.

They had talked a lot about about his fathers last couple years of work. And Lotte had loved it, hung on his lips with wonder in his eyes. Jens didn’t had the heart to tell his father off, reminded of all the times he had been in his sister’s position, only to feel sorrow when it couldn’t overshadow the desire for his father’s presence.

But as soon as his Lotte hadn’t been part of their conversation any longer, it quickly had turned into awkward silence. For minutes Hendrik and Jens had stared at each other, or perhaps past each other. 

It had been Jens who had asked the first question. From there it was a blur in his memory, just too many topics and too real implications and too raw answers. All mingled into a sea of shreds.

„He said that he would take care of all costs towards your.“ 

The word funeral got stuck in his throat.

But his mom nodded, she understood.

„He told me that it was okay if I didn’t know yet what to do after school. Because I’m not sure, if I want to go to university at all.“

„Really?“

„Yes. I may not go.“

There was a brief pause, as his mother weighed the truth in his statment.

„I agree with your father. You shouldn’t do it, if you’d have to force yourself.“

He watched her, as the words settled. Though he got the reaction he wanted from both of them, Jens couldn’t help but feel that he let them down somehow in not choosing an academic paths.

Hendrik and Helena Stoffels both had attended university, got their degress, his father even a phd. They always had valued education in their house. Thus Lies naturally went to university without question, right after school. Her field of study certain years prior and now she was working for a company for a year now, moving her way up the carrer ladder. Lies had bought a house and got engaged.

And what was he supposed to do, other than feel incompetent somehow. Even Lucas was going to study, as he should. So would Robbe, and Aaron, and Moyo. 

Where would that leave him?

Work, household chores and Lotte to raise.

Jens didn’t wanted to think about it yet.

„And he apologised for not being there for us. For you.“

He recalled the moment, when these words had left his father’s tongue. It had taken everything to not lash out. It fucking hurt and he couldn’t just forgive the man across of him. Jens got why his father chose whatever he had chosen for his life. But he willingly had his children. And children came with responsibilities and his father just had decided to leave without regard. And that would never be okay.

Lotte would have deserved better, instead of being stuck with Jens. 

She would have deserved to grow up with both her siblings and parents. Even if it always would have ended in their mom’s passing, They would have had Lies to help Jens out. They would have had their father to care for them. 

In this reality however, Jens felt deserted at times. 

He sighed as he moved to sit down on his mom’s bed instead. He sat at her side, her health feeble and rapidly declining. It was just them today. The reason he could talk as open as he did. With Lotte around he needed to prove to be strong for her. He needed to be there for his sister. 

But like this, Jens could just let go of the pretense.

„I can’t forgive him.“

„He doesn’t expect you to.“

Jens huffed a laugh. His mom couldn’t be serious. Why else would he have apologised for almost an hour last night?

„How do you know that?“

„When he was here, he said something about at least wanting to be honest with you. And that that was all that mattered to him. For you to know him.“

„If he indeed would have cared so much, he wouldn’t have left in the first place. And he said that he doesn’t regret it. I know that he meant back than. Maybe he does now. But I know, that he would do exactly the same thing over again. 

It doesn’t change the fact that he is leaving Antwerp tomorrow either, and it doesn’t change the fact that he won’t be moving closer or take time off of his work. Or even come and see us ever again if it no longer includes you in the equation. This sucks.

I think you give this man too much credit and I wish you would have fallen for a different man sometimes. Why him? Why someone who just doesn’t care for us, his won children?“

Perhaps Jens was crying, and perhaps he was shouting in the end at the beeping screen next to the hospital bed. He dropped his gaze, down onto their interlaced fingers on the blanket between them.

His grasp was too tight on the weak hand in his. Her skin dry and oddly yellowish tinted, even in the white neon lights above them. 

His mom barely ate any more. Only infusions left to give her enough energy to at least be awake for a couple of hours. She already was tired again. Her eyes sleepy. 

„I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you just now. Go and sleep. I’ll stay for a while, if you don’t mind?“

„I’d like that.“

Jens wished he could talk a little longer with her, but she was already drifting off. Her chest rising and falling in a calm rythym, as his fingers warpped tightly around hers.

Tears caught on his quivering lips.

Jens thought about his father and salty ocean waters. And if he had seen him for the last time yesterday, when they had bid goodbye on the doorstep in the cold night.

They hadn’t actually said ‘goodbye’, they hadn’t said ‘til soon’ either, nor had they said ‘farewell’.

Instead his father had thanked Jens. Said, that he had been grateful for the dinner invitation.

And Jens had simply replied to him with a nod of his head. Said, that he was glad to have had a chance to talk to him in person.

And that was that.

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #jens and hendrik #and that was that

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 19th, Tuesday 23:03

__ __ __

tagged: @odi-et-amo85​, @tayspots​

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #isa keijser

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 19th, Tuesday 18:08

„What would you like to drink?“

Jens went over towards the kitchen, followed by cautious feet behind him, as he tried to recount what Lies had bought on the weekend.

„We don’t have a lot of alcohol,“ the boy went on, „but I think we have some beer and there should be an opened red wine from Saturday, if I’m not mistaken.“ He opened the fridge, scanning the items, while his finger tapped across the cold frame of the door he hold onto. „Other than that, orange or apple juice, and like icetea or water.“ 

„Water will do, and some of the wine. We don’t want it to go to waste, right?“

„Of course not.“ Jens replied, grabbing said bottles to carry them over to the table. He took a deep breath. He closed the fridge. Jens was incredibly nervous. Had been for hours today. It just had gotten worse, once the doorbell had rung five minutes ago.

His father stood by the set table, tall and sturdier than Jens had remembered him to be. Still the man had the same face, the same wandering eyes, that constantly seemed to examine everything it could catch. Hendrik was older, his hair giving in to grey strands that fell into his face again and again, only to be tugged behind the ear.

His father looked lost in this house. Familiar and yet an intruder in the home, his mom had created for her and her three children. The image was off, tilted and skrewed.

„If she isn’t down in a couple minutes, I’ll go up myself. Seriously, ever since she started playing Mario Maker 2 with Olivia last week, she had barely done anything else.“ Jens complained, brushing off the slight discomfort, because what else was there to talk about. Everything he wanted to say, was too much, too personal to bring up over dinner. He’d ask his father to stay a little longer, once Lotte would be in bed.

„I’m trying hard to keep it in, but I remember another eight-year-old, who refused to put his gameboy away for anything but to sleep. Throwing a tantrum whenever it was gone.“ 

Hendrik laughed, his eyes crinkled in kindness despite the jab at his son’s expense. Jens felt the awkwardness rise to his cheeks, while he grinned back at the man across of him. He had a point, Jens guessed. 

„Do you still need help with anything?

„No. It’s in the oven to keep warm. Just waiting for Lotte.“ Jens explained and waved off the kind offer, that fell completely short in Jens’s eyes. He also viewed his father to be more a guest than a member of this family. A person who just dropped by as it was convinient. „You can already sit down, though, if you want.“

If Jens was honest with himself, he would have loved to despise his father and scream at the ease of the situation they found themselves in. It went against what Jens would consider to be the normal reaction. He shouldn’t be smiling with a man who choose his work over his children. 

But all these late night talks with his mom had somehow helped to accept it. 

Jens still felt anger, still felt the abondoment and sadness that came with his father’s leave.

He wondered if he should sit here at this table with the man, who even after everything made Jens more serene to know to have around than not. His heart was torn by the duality of his fellings.

„How long have you been on sea this time? And where have you beenin the first place?“ Jens asked, for a lack of a better topic. He also was curious to be a child again and marvel at all the things his father had heard and seen.

„It was the first part of an artic expedition along the Greenlandic coast. I was on this big icebreaker, crushing through the tall waves and large ice floes. Enwrapped in total darkness for the last couple of weeks. Any second spend in a night that never ended. But the stars on cloudless hours were fantastic to see. And the northern lights, I certainly have photographs with me to show you. I’ve seen them before, but it had been years and it completely captivated me again to see the colours dance across the black sky. Absolutely worth giving up the sun for a while.“

His father poured himself some wine and some more for his son, who had just brought them glasses to fill. It wouldn’t hurt to enjoy at least a little bit of gentle drunkness. At least enough to hopefully drown out the faint panic at the conversation ahead of them later that night.

„However, that were just the last three month. I was on a submarine before then. That lasted over the whole summer. I was assisting an old colleague of mine. He is from Irkutsk north of Mongolia in Russia. One of the most brilliant people I had the fortune to meet. He is studying deep sea creatures. And it allowed me to refresh some of my russian. So I obviously took six month of intensive deep diving lessons to further my skills and got my fitness up to be able to go with him. I can hardly put in words how humbling and how extremly frightening the whole experience was. Dangerous to be under so much weight of water and the pressure pounding in on the vessel. No light, only low rumble. Eery.“

His father’s pitch dropped as he spoke. It caught Jens to listen in to every word with intent.

„There was like this gripping loneliness at the bottom of the ocean. We just had each other in an environment that would be lethal for us to be in. Just narrow rooms and halles, wrapped in equipment. I am so grateful to have accepted to go. For a month we even had someone of the BBC with us to film some footage for a documentary.“

And there he was. Hendrik Stoffels. Always something to say, and show, and explain, and ponder over. Eager to get a grasp on the vastness of the sea and the depth of the water beneath him.

Sometimes Jens found himself wishing to be as passionate about anything in his life, like his father was about the marine wildlife and his adventurous expeditions. 

It was hard to hate someone, who has found so much happiness and love outside of traditional metrics. Hendrik hadn’t wanted to settle down and he hadn’t wanted fame nor monetary success. He wanted to explore, Jens’s mom had told him. That was what fullfilled his father, and Jens would be lying if he said he didn’t yearned to figure out what would make him feel like that too.

„Lotte.“ Hendrik proclaimed bright, ripping Jens out of his thoughts, as the girl appeared next to them to take her usual seat. 

She had the switch with her, but the screen was dark and she had placed it next to her plate. Her eyes were stuck on the strange man, she had no recollection of. She had been two when Hendrik had left, who could hold that against her. This man may as well be a random person Jens had picked up on the street.

„My god, Jens had grown, but you, you actually turned into an actual human being.“ Their father chuckled, his gaze transfixed on the girl in wonder. One day a toddler and the next an eight-year-old child. The six years almost non-existent, Jens guessed by the look in their father’s expression.

His words hold the same sentiment that he had brought against Jens on the doorstep into the house. When it had taken Hendrik a long minute to process to have found a young man in the place of his son he had left behind. 

If Jens would be asked, he’d say, that for once his father had been rendered speechless.

„Shall we eat?“ His father went on, when Jens had been to busy with his thoughts to pay attention to the reason they had met in the first place.

„Yes!“ Lotte loudly declared, already wiping the napkin off of her plate.

„One sec.“ Jens replied amused, before he turned to get the baking dish out of the oven.

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #hendrik #there in the end

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 18th, Monday 15:40

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85​, @tayspots​

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 18th, Monday 12:22

Jens sat at the table next to Robbe. Aaron and Moyo across of them talking about some hot girl that moved next to Moyo. He wasn’t really following along. His mind kept trailing off or blanking out at random moments throughout their conversation. Currently he daydreamed while he picked at the carrots on his plate.

Lies had left very late last night and he had woken to an empty bed and his father had called him to confirm the time tomorrow again. Then there was still the ongoing silence from Lucas.

It wasn’t bad day per se, it wasn’t a good one either. It was all pretty meh.

A meh day.

That fit it best.

Robbe’s elbow suddenly poked his arm in an attempt for attention.

„What?“ Jens called, after the third time the pointy bone had dug into his side, a little annoyed at his best friend. Who knew well enough, that Jens didn’t felt like talking today.

„Your phone.“ Robbe only replied unbothered by the tone in Jens’s voice. And secretly Jens was relieved, he hadn’t meant to snap at Robbe.

„Oh.“ And indeed his phone’s screen had lit up from where it laid next to the tray on the table. „Thank you.“

„Anytime.“ His best friend said, but it wouldn’t be him, if he wouldn’t lean over to throw a glance at the notification. Jens had taken the phone and had tried to keep the message to himself, it just hadn’t worked.

Lucas 11:48: follow me

„Mysterious.“

Robbe’s reaction was ignored by Jens’s head darting up and around to search for the young boy inside the cafeteria. It wasn’t even as packed, as class times were off and some courses held online given the everchanging regulations.

So he spotted Lucas fairly quick. 

Jens saw him standing next to the entrance, his gaze steady and it was hard to tell, if it would be something good or bad, as Lucas watched him rather indifferent.

„Go. And tell me later!“ Robbe decidedly commanded him, as he began to push up his best friend from the chair and Jens was inclined to sit back down, just to spite him. Instead he quickly grabbed his jacket and backpack to make his way over.

Lucas waited for him until he was just a couple steps away and then the younger boy turned around and lead them through emptied hallways. They reached the one that they usually had met up inbetween classes over the last weeks of school.

The two boys stood by the window and let their stuff fall to the floor.

Lucas looked out, while Jens’s eyes were strictly on him.

„I think, I’m done thinking.“ The younger boy declared. Suddenly his gaze on Jens, who was startled by his fear of what the conclusion would be.

His breath was short and his blood rushing through his body. 

Please, Jens silently begged, let us be okay.

Without another word or warning, Lucas took Jens’s hand. The tips of his fingers fitted perfectly into his own palm, Jens thought, as he watched them holding onto each other.

„So does that mean we are not over?“ Jens asked soft-spoken while he looked back up.

„I’m afraid I’m incapable of breaking up with you Jens.“  Lucas replied, a smile tugged to his lips that made Jens’s heart jump, before he grinned himself. „Yes, you idiot, it means we are doing this.“

„Alright.“ Jens said, his grin growing brighter under the new light of the situation.

„But!“

And then it faltered again.

„But?“ Jens repeated in question, the uneasy feeling in his stomach back and more present than ever. But, wasn’t good, Jens decided. Lucas tilted his head with a sigh, as he squeezed Jens’s hand.

„Let’s maybe think about how we can figure out to talk to each other better.“

„Yes, yes of course.“ Jens immediately concured as he regained his poise. Anything. Jens would have been fine with anything and this wasn’t unachievable. They could manage that. Jens was pretty convinced of it.

„Alright.“ Lucas nodded, both indulging in the familiarity of their shared space. „And if we are doing this, then I want to say something.“

„Go for it.“

„So yesterday you have talked a lot about how scared you are to steal me of all the hook-ups and relationships and opportunities I could have, if I wouldn’t be with you. You made it pretty clear, that you were afraid I would start to resent you and though I can’t see into the future I want you to believe me when I say that that isn’t going to happen, okay? But obviously you are as stubborn as one gets and thus I was thinking and.“ Lucas’s free hand fished a neatly folded piece of paper and a pen out of his pocket, that he passed onto Jens. „Here.“

Jens’s eyes darted back and forth between the paper in his hand and the worried look on the younger boy’s face.

„What is this?“ 

„Sign it and give it back.“ Lucas only said, as he untangled his fingers from Jens’s The older boy confused by what was going on.

„What?“ Jens therefore provided quite dumbfounded.

„Just do it.“

„Okay.“

He placed the pen on the window sill next to them, and then proceeded to open the folded piece of paper. It didn’t say much, anything really. But there was a date and Lucas’s name and space for his. A single sentence above: Get out of jail free.

„This is my get-out-of-Jens’s-jail card, I get to pull it if I ever should feel trapped, like you say I will be some day. Hope it will make you feel better, now that I can just throw this at you.“

„You are ridiculous.“

Jens huffed a laugh, while he went to take the pen and put his signature down. He shook his head amused by the silly things Lucas apparently could come up with, as he handed the stuff back over towards the younger boy. Both of them smirking at each other.

„I know.“ Lucas simply proclaimed, looking rather pleased with himself.

„You are going to be a great lawyer.“ Jens said. And meant it.

„Oh about that.“ The younger boy suddenly seemed to be reminded of something. „Robbe and me have looked into universities to apply to and I’m actually thinking about applying to the one here in Antwerp.“

„What? Why? There are clearly better options for you, right? You are smart, you should go to the best one or something.“ 

Jens really didn’t wanted to see the younger boy’s potention to go to waste. Lucas should try to get the best education and chances out there.

„I’m not saying I won’t apply to others as well. Definitely including Leiden, but I actually like it here and I know that at least Kes will try to move to Amsterdam, so it isn’t that I’d go back to Utrecht anyway.“ Lucas explained, while his hand was back in Jens’s. „And you are here, of course.“

„I’m beginning to like your idea with the card you made. Because I’m really doubting you to make the right desicion here.“

It was dumb to stay for Jens. Not that the older boy wasn’t hoping to keep Lucas with him, also after this school year would be over. However, with Lotte, it was pretty clear that Jens wouldn’t move away anytime soon. 

It also brought up a train of thoughts, that Jens wasn’t sure had seriously occured to him before. He had somewhat expected for Lucas to have to move back to Utrecht once his mom’s study ended. But that would definitely imply a long-distance relationship that Jens wouldn’t wanted to agree to. 

So it would actually be nice, if Lucas would just stay. They wouldn’t have to break up.

But it also really wouldn’t be wise to accept a lesser renowned university, if Lucas could as well study in Leiden or in the Uk or somewhere else. Anywhere, where a name would open him doors in the future. And only to be with Jens, who wasn’t even sure what to do with himself after graduation.

„Jens, stop overthinking it right now. Please, just let me decide for myself, okay?“

Perhaps he had shown the conflict in his expression. Perhaps Lucas just really came to know Jens better than himself. And that was what Lucas had wanted after all. For Jens to no longer assume to know better.

„Okay.“ Jens agreed, trying to stop his mind from making a list, why that decision wasn’t a good one.

„Okay.“ Lucas said, while he leaned over to poke  Jens’s nose with his. „Now. Kiss me, before we head back.“

Jens laughed, assured that he wouldn’t be able to say no, and followed the playful order that the younger boy had whispered against his lips.

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #they back! #yay

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 17th, Sunday 19:05

„That was a lot.“ 

„Agreed.“ 

They both stood by the frontdoor of Lucas’s flat, a shy smile on Lucas’s face, that Jens answered with his own. They had definitely cried for an hour after they had reached the subject of their moms. Jens had went first and it hadn’t taken a lot of time. Lucas already knew so much, Jens had learned.

Jens also had realised just how much Lucas and his mom must have talked on the days they had met at home. Perhaps that was why his mom had been so ready to accept their relationship. And why she had been quick to trust and let Lucas into their lives.

But then Lucas had begun to talk and it had left him in tears, with Jens joining in. Pained to see the younger boy cry and helpless to watch, as he wasn’t sure how much comfort would overstep the boundary they had drawn between themselves.

It had started out fairly simple, just the clinical study. And then their life in Utrecht, their family and her old job at the library. However it had turned rather fast, when Lucas had started to talk about the time it had all fallen apart. He had promised to tell Jens about the incident that had caused it, once he had asked for his mother’s permission. It was ominous enough, thatJens hadn’t dared to press on the reason.

Instead Jens had listened on about how deep her depression and delusions went. How she had struggled with suicidal thoughts. To a degree that Lucas had to talk her out of it twice, while a third time he found her after the attempt and it had destroyed Jens to have to sit through all of it being told through sobs and tears.

How had Lucas never shared any of this with him?
How had he just let Jens have all of their shared attention and energy, when Lucas had lived through so much already?

Jens had felt his heart clench under the realisation just why Lucas had been that enraged and frightened on Thursday. It all made so much more sense, as well as it only created a hollow feeling and self-hatred at the blindness Jens had brought against the younger boy.

„I’m scared we will just fall into old patterns. I don’t want that.“

„We were barely together. You make it sound like we lived decades being married. We will be fine.“ Jens teased, his tone trying for amusment, when it left a stark bitter taste on his tounge. He was dumb to try to joke about this. Why did he say this?

However Lucas flashed a brief smirk, before he sighed and rolled his eyes at the older boy in the doorway. Why Lucas out up with all the bullshit he said, was still a mystery to him. This boy deserved a reward or something. Or perhaps they both were just beyond saving at this point.

„Can you give me like a night or two?“ Lucas asked meekly, his eyes darting up towards Jens from the floor he had stared at.

„Sure.“ Jens replied, his heart dropping to his feet. It sounded like a hopeless case to him. It never was a good thing if he was told to give it some time to think over. Usually that meant that they, the person in question and him, were done.

„Thank you.“

He swallowed down the lump in his throat. He wasn’t ready to leave like this.

„Luc?“ Jens tried instead, licking his lip, as the nervousness grew in the pit of his belly. Shit. He had thought that he was over that. Since they had left the sofa and the hours of conversation behind them.

„Yes?“

„Can I kiss you?“ His voice sounded so weak, Jens thought, dissapointed to not shoulder his usual confidence. However Lucas only watched him for a second. And Jens didn’t wanted to hear the rejection that he believed to see in the other boy’s face. „I didn’t get to kiss you goodbye last week. And if that’s it. I. I just.“

„This isn’t the end. I just need to think.“ Lucas answered instead. It wasn’t the thing that Jens wished to hear. He had hoped to see them together again after today, but that may have been premature.

„If you say so.“

The look in the younger boy’s eyes changed, suddenly much more determined. It wasn’t wrapped in the deep sadness it had shown just a moment ago. 

And as if to prove a point, it actually was Lucas who leaned in first. Jens didn’t even had to think about his reaction when his hand rose to gently cup the other boy’s cheek and pull him closer. Lucas’s eyes fell shut as he melted into the touch.

He was beautiful, Jens thought.

„I’m sorry that I hurt you, Lu.“ 

His whisper had been cut off on his last word as Lucas’s lips came crashing against his. Almost desperate to feel the elctrifiying contact, while he tugged at Jens’s sweater under the open coat to draw him onto the younger boy. 

His mind blurred when he felt the kiss deepen.

Jens lost his balance for a second, causing an arm to tightly sling around his middle. He himself pushing forward a step back into the flat. It was a bad idea, he should stop this.

Apparently the other boy had arrived at the same realisation. The heated kiss suddenly broken off under gasping lungs needing too much air.

„Sorry.“ Lucas whispered, his face red tinted, while Jens was still able to brush over his skin, down his jaw. He could have him, Jens knew, saw it in the younger boy’s eyes.

So Jens stepped back, loosing the contact and the warmth.

„I’ll see you tomorrow?“ He asked. And silently scolded himself that he couldn’t stop his thoughts from all the what if’s, if he would have allowed himself to stay instead.

„Absolutely.“ Lucas affirmed, his breath shaken. God, what Jens wouldn’t give to have his lips back on him. „Oh and please tell your sister, Lies, right? Tell her that I am sorry, that I didn’t get to meet her.“

Jens nodded dumbly as he closed his coat and wrapped his scarf around his neck, that had been loosely draped over his arm til now. It helped him to persuade himself to leave. To ground him in his desicion.

„I’m pretty sure, she feels the same way. But, will do, of course.“ Jens said and for a split second he saw Lucas about to step out of the door to meet Jens again, but the younger boy stood back. Their gazes still locked onto each other since Lucas had brought up his wish to give them time.

It was the right thing to do.

He hated behaving responsibly. It sucked.

„Bye.“

Lucas bid his goodbye with a small wave of his hand, as he rested his head against the doorway and watched Jens descend the stairs. The older boy briefly stopped, before he wouldn’t be able to see Lucas any longer, to turn his head back.

„Bye.“

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #good ending #i swear! #pls bear with me

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 17th, Sunday 13:31

They sat on the sofa with some tea and now in thick silent tension.

Jens was nervous and pretty sure Lucas was too. They had only talked a little about how their day went and about some irrelevent pictures that their friends had posted to instagram.

He wasn’t sure how to start the actual conversation that needed to happen.

The words were there, right on his tounge, but he kept swallowing them down. He was too frightened to have to face it and force them both to come to a conclusion. It could all go very well and they would be on the same page. But it also could mean for Lucas to see that it wasn’t worth it after all to stay around.

Jens was scared and he prayed that Lucas would begin to talk instead, but he seemed very content on his end of the sofa, with his legs drawn up to his chest as he watched the steam escape the red mug in his hands. Lucas wore a big hoodie, that Jens was pretty sure was his, but he didn’t minded if he would never get it back.

He found himself smiling just softly at the sight. He felt good to see Lucas still wearing his stuff. It meant that Jens hadn’t lost yet, right?

„What?“ Lucas asked, a grin spread across his expression, him without looking up into the space between them, which Jens decided felt too large.

„It’s just good to see you.“ Jens replied instead of talking about his desire to wrap his arms around the younger boy and pull him against his chest. It was diffucult to imagine that perhaps he would no longer be able to do that again in his life.

Lucas regarded him for a moment, the grin fell of his face and Jens already mourned it’s disappearance. The tension was back.

„I don’t know how to start.“ Jens admitted. He really was overwhelmed by it. Had pushed the meeting back into his mind since he had gotten up this morning. He had believed to be able to just walk in and tell Lucas everthing that weighed him down. But when he had arrived he fell silent.

Lucas sighed heavy, before he put the mug on the low table next to them. He tilted his head as his eyes wandered across the room and then over Jens. Jens felt examined by them, stilled in his position, while he anticipated for something to happen and free him.

„Well, how are you, for starters?“

An easy enough question with too much deep implied meaning beheind these innocent words.

When have you ever asked me how I am feeling? 

However when I ask you, all I get is silence

The younger boy’s words would haunt him for the rest of his live, Jens strongly believed, as his mind defaulted to bring him back to Thursday night.

„Tired,“ Jens sighed, „But I’m always tired. You know that. I guess, I’m just tired of everything.“

He was rambling, trying to find words to his emotions that were just inches out of his reach. It frustrated Jens to find Lucas watch him wordlessly. The younger boy was waiting. Lucas wouldn’t make this easy for him and Jens was assured that he deserved that.

„Not everything. I just want this to be over. Like, I want the courtdate for Lotte and I want her to be at a point where she can accept what is happening. And I want tuesday to have been over with already, so that I don’t have to think about what to say to my father. I want school to be over, the tests and exams written and done. Most of all I want for my mom to be done suffering through the days passing by. As I said, I’m tired.“

It all just bursted out of him, Jens had been unable to stop himself, once the first sentence had been said and from there he grew faster with each new word. He was breathless when he was done and exhausted when they hadn’t even started.

Lucas nodded sorrowful as he remained still on his spot. For a moment Jens thought that he still hadn’t said enough to convince the younger boy that he was trying to fix this.

It simply wasn’t as easy. He had kept it all to himself so long that it got comfortable inside his head. 

„I understand that. I’m sorry that it is so much. I want to help you, I really do. I just don’t know how.“ Lucas stated, finally talking as well. Jens relaxed by the softness of the voice, the gentle gaze that kept looking over.

„I don’t know either.“ He whispered. Both boys somehow closer and still that far apart. Jens really wished he knew what to do here. And even if he had talked to Lies, even she had trouble to find a solution other then talking it out.

Jens suddenly thought of something, somthing that had actually been his firt point on his list and he had forgotten. He was so dumb to not bring it up the second he had accepted the invitation in.

„How are you?“

Lucas’s eyes widened as the question hit him. It must have come unexpected, but the next thing Jens saw, was the faintest hint of a smile on the yonger boy’s face. 

After all this time, he had done something right.

„I haven’t slept that well either, but other than that rather good. I thought a lot about Thursday and what I had said. I hope I haven’t been too harsh? I usually try to stay.“ Lucas’s eyes darted over towards the window for a second of contemplation. „I try to stay considerate. I don’t like arguing a lot. I always feel terrible to raise my voice at others. More so, if it is towards people I care about. I beat myself up over that constantly the last couple of days.“

Jens hummed, unsure how to react. But he had promised himself to come here and not hang after his thoughts for too long.

„Well, it hurt. I’m not going to lie. But I treated you very shitty. So, I guess you deserved to scream at me.“

„I didn’t even get to, though. I would have only woken the whole street. I was so pissed off and furious with you.“

Their eyes met again and both smirked for some odd reason. But it made this feel easier to get through. Jens shifted on his seat, very much aware to keep to his side.

„I’m sorry.“ Jens said, the apology short of everything he should say instead, but he prayed that Lucas saw the earnesty behind it. They had time. Hours to get through this.

„Where should we start?“ Lucas asked, the apology for now ignored. 

„I could tell you about my father?“ 

Jens wasn’t sure why this had come up first. But he would be seeing him on Tuesday and so it probably wasn’t too surprising.

„Okay.“

„Okay.“ Jens repeated, „And then you can tell me about yours?“

Lucas nodded, leaning forward to grab his tea again. The younger boy watched him patiently over the rim of the mug, as Jens was preparing himself to put it all out there. He couldn’t have started with a more personal and harder topic, really. Not even Robbe knew all that much about it.

„His name is Hendrik. He has a phd in marine biology. He knows how to sail and took Lies and me a couple of times when we were super young. I don’t actually remember it, but we have pictures of it at home. He always had something to say. He is really good at talking and explaining and everything, I think.“

As he talked, he couldn’t help but miss the years he got to see his father at least for a couple of month each year. Jens had blocked it out somehow. Perhaps to not feel sad about it, as he felt his beating heart when he went on to explain certain memories he still had from birthdays. Or the one time Henrik had brought home a rock from antarctica, that Jens was pretty sure, was still somewhere stored in a drawer at home.

And Lucas sat across of him, sipping his tea and listened.

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #not the last clip for today #no worries #though I can't possibly write this whole conversation #I hope you'll be fine to believe me that they have talked a lot #and you obviously know how Jens feels about things

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 17th, Sunday 01:22

„Hey, why are you up?“

„Could ask you the same.“

Lies sat at the dinning table in the dark, only the lamp from the little entrance hall was spending some light, as it fell into the large space. It had startled Jens at first to hear Lies adress him, but he quickly had his composure back to walk past her towards the fridge.

„Mainly jetleg. But Theo finished work for today, so he called me. We can end it though, if you want to talk or something.“ His older sister suggested, gesturing towards the phone with her free hand.

„No, I just needed something to drink. Tell him hi, though.“

„Jens says hi.“ He heard Lies repeat, while he scaned the many items in front of him. His fridge was packed to the brim with all the stuff that had been bought. Lies and him had to make two runs to get everything from the car´inside. „I don’t know, he was thirsty or something,“ she continued and added after a longer pause, „Yea, it wasn’t easy. But we were able to talk a while.“

Jens sat down across of his sister. The glassof apple juice, already half-empty, was placed right in front of him, as he stared into it. He propped his elbow up on the table, only to rest his head on his palm and figure out if he wanted to think or keep his mind blank. His sister’s voice was merely white noise in the background for a little while. It was actually nice to just have it there in his periphery.

„I’m going to hang up. It’s almost half past one.“ Lies said, making Jens’s eyes dart over to her. „I love you too. Sleep well.“ 

She smacked her lips at the speaker in a onesided kiss, with a gentle smile grazing her lips, before she hung up and turned her full attention towards her little brother.

„So just thirsty?“

Jens probably could have lied, but his head felt foggy and he wasn’t really up to think about every word at this time of the day.

„Yes, but I also don’t sleep that well most nights. It’s kinda normal.“

„Well it shouldn’t be.“

„I know.“

He yawned, still tired and yet he hadn’t been able to fall back into sleep when he had turned to find the side of his bed empty, that Lies had occupied. He had closed his eyes, but had given up when he kept thinking about tomorrow and his meeting with Lucas. And now he was here, with Lies at half past one.

„Lies?“

„Yes?“

„I was thinking, that if you are home tomorrow and if you want, you could see if there is anything you’d like to keep and take with you to canada.“ Jens suggested, barely able to keep his voice steady. He also was speaking low under his breath. It wasn’t an easy topic to breach for him and he wasn’T sure, why exactly he had thought about it right now. But Lies should have the opportunity to take something with her. 

„Are we talking mom’s things?“

Jens nodded. Perhaps he should have kept quiet as he saw the expression on his sister’s face. For a long moent she looked deeply sad, he eyes staring back at him in silent contemplation.

„Yes. I’m still not sure what to do with the room, but I guess, I’ll have to empty it one day. Maybe there is something you’d like to have. For memory’s sake.“ He tried to explain to her. She would only have tomorrow and his guess was that Lies wouldn’t be back for a while. The current siuation around Covid-19 didn’t looked like it would change anytime soon. It meant that maybe it was her only chance to personally look through the stuff herself. 

Even if Jens was still wary about the room and the future, he knew he would have to clean it out at some point.

The two siblings looked at each other over the table and he could see Lies’s shoulders dropping, while she unclenched her jaw and sighed. Jens hadn’t quite noticed how tense his sister had been til now.

„Seems like a good idea.“ She finally decided and stole the glass that Jens had gotten himself, to take a sip from it. „It was pretty hard to see mom in the hospital.“

„Mhm.“ He hummedn in agreement. It really took a lot to sit through a couple of hours by their mom’s side and not loose hope to see her for another visit. She had looked extremely tired and fallen in.

„I’m really proud of you. I kinda expected the house to be in absolute chaos.“ Lies went on, changing the topic as her tone rose to sound muhc more playful and happier again.

„You never know how it will look like next time.“

Lies chuckled, shaking her head at his lighthearted words. There was a smirk tugged to the corner of his mouth when Jens saw her grin, very pleased to have lifted the heavy mood a little that had slowly settled in the dimly lit room.

„But seriously, you are doing great. Especially with Lotte.“

„I don’t know. I keep thinking that I fail her somehow.“ Jens exhaled loudly, startling even him. The two of them were really just whispering to each other, huh?

„You aren’t. Mom thinks so too and Lotte is still so young. She probably just needs a bit more time.“

Jens shrugged. If he was honest, he would love to have a bit more time as well.

He checked his phone that he had brought downstairs with him. He wasn’t even sure why, but he was glad that he had done so. It reminded him of something when he saw the date. It was already the 17th. Already half a month since his mom had been back in the hospital. Time was running. And he somehow felt like he kept up for once.

„I don’t know when you are going to have to leave tomorrow for Brussels, but I just remembered that you probably don’t know about this. Our father is going to be in Antwerp for a couple of days. I have his number, if you would like to see him.“

„Hendrik?“ Lies asked, clearly taken aback by that piece of information. She had started referring to him by his first name, even before their father had actually left them. Jens couldn’t blame her for it. He wasn’t really fond of calling him dad either. It somehow felt wrong to do so.

„Yes. He is here for mom and we agreed to have him come over for dinner on tuesday.“

„No, I think I’m fine without him.“

Jens had expected as much from her. He nodded, understanding rather well, where she came from. He had struggled with himself for a while til he had decided to take his father up on the proposistion. Jens was still able to cancel til tuesday, if he felt it would be too much. 

„Fair enough. Let me know if you change your mind though.“ He replied, knowing fairly well, that his sister had already made up her mind about the issue.

„Sure.“ She told him nontheless and Jens saw her get up from her seat. She smiled at him, with a nod towards the lit hallway. „Come on, we should at least try to get some sleep tonight.“

Jens agreed.

It would be for the best.

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 16th, Saturday 15:16

Jens was actually laughing. 

Genuingly laughing, when Lotte told them some really bad joke she had heard in school. A dumb pun. But it had been the fourth in a row and they had finally reached the breaking point.

He sat at the table, an half emptied plate of apple slices between him and his little sister, while Lies roamed the kitchen to write down a list of groceries to buy on her way home. She planned to visit their mom and it had weighed heavy on her, when she had admitted this to Jens early that morning infront of the bathroom mirror.

Lies had told him, how much it hurt to live so far away and unable to travel and come home. She would have loved to help Jens over the past year, even if it would just have been for a week here and there. It was the reason why she had been so desperate to secure the position to be send to Brussels. 

Not that it been an actual problem, her wokrplace knew very well about her family situation. Still, Lies had said, that the moment she had recieved the plane tickets only a week ago, she had broken down in her boss’s office. 

Lies was here though now, thankful for the opportunity to bid farewell to their mother in person at last.

Jens understood the relief his older sister had explained to him. He couldn’t even entertain the thought of not being able to see his mom, while prohibited to visit inmidst the pandemic.

„Oh, I know! There is this one dish Theo and me always make as comfort food. Quite easy, but really nice in winter, with a good hearty broth. I’m going to do that.“ Lies declared vague from where she stood behind the opened door of the fridge. Mumbling something under her breath, while she noted things down on the piece of paper on the counter next to her.

„I don’t know if I should trust you to actually cook something delicious.“ Jens mocked, reminded of the many times that Lies had simply ordered take-out on every evening she was watching her siblings. Cooking was for loosers, she always had said, and simultaneously implied that she was at an absolute loss in the kitchen.

„Says the person who had managed to let noodles get burned to crisps while boiling them.“ 

„I was ten.“ He defended, cackling when Lies snorted and their gazes met. So much time had passed, but Jens was assured that the loving arguments between them would never cease to exist.

„But Jens is really good now. He makes like a super good riceotto“ Lotte chimed in, the wide smile on her face somewhere between amused and puzzled. She hadn’t much memories of Jens and Lies together, so it was reasonable for her to be unsure why it was funny. Their little sister had been only five when Lies had left. 

She had cried for a whole week, but with time passing, she had stopped even mentioning Lies alltogether. She knew her, yes, but she couldn’t tell what they had done or talked about together any longer. And maybe it was a little sad, Jens thought, but it also meant that Lotte wouldn’t miss Lies as much as Jens sometimes did.

„Risotto.“ Jens corrected, while he leaned a little over to ruffle through her hair. She slapped his hand away, stucking out her tounge at him in jest.

„Well, maybe Jens should cook then. I won’t complain.“

„No way, you are the oldest now, you cook.“ Jens quickly proclaimed his flawless reasoning against the mere suggestion Lies had voiced. His older sister barely contained herself from laughing again, instead nodded along, as she continued to write even more things down. 

Jens knew that she had come with a rented car from the airport, but the list just grew and he wasn’t sure, if he should tell her off. It looked like she wanted to stock the kitchen for an entire month.

The mood turned a little quieter, only Jens’s spotify playlist filled the house with some comfortable noise, while Lotte sketched some abstract scenes on paper. Jens’s eyes flicked over every once in a while, but it appeared like there wasn’t much reason behind it.

He yawned and stretched his arms, a loud cracking sound in his shoulder earned him a gleeful glance from Lies, who he flipped off. Despite it, he felt younger today. He felt lighter. His breathing wasn’t hurting as much, his thoughts came easier. 

Lies and him had talked for hours yesterday. He had forgotten how close they used to be. Which was wierd given their age difference and them not even being the same gender. But somehow they always stuck together. Jens wished she would stay.

The day they had bid goodbye at the airport had been locked somewhere into his head. Even after three years he didn’t dared to touch it.

This all would be easier if he had Lies to live with them. But it wasn’t reality and Lies had made him understand that it was okay to be scared. She had admitted at three in the morning, when they had headed to bed, that it had taken her month to figure out how to live on her own. Especially after she had moved to a different continent, while leaving her family behind. Jens could do this too.

He still had all of his friends around. He had this house. He had Lotte.

He just had to start somewhere.

„I think I’m going to call Lucas.“ Jens suddenly said. For a moment he had considered the possibility that he hadn’t spoken aloud at all. However, it became clear that he had, as both his sister’s heads spun towards him in an instant.

„Really? That came out of nowhere. But good for you. I think you should.“ Lies said, a little startled by his surprising change of demeanour. Only this morning he had still sat depressed and hunched over in pity in front of his breakfast. Jens wasn’t even sure himself where the urge to do it had popped up from.

„Yes!“ Lotte followed up quickly with bright wide eyes. Of course she would be excited.

„Okay. I’m going to do it.“ He declared, more to will his confidence in excistense than aynthing else.

He was nervous. Maybe Lucas wouldn’t even pick up? Jens wasn’t even sure, if Lucas’s mom was still around. This was a bad idea. 

The whole conversation from thursday sprung back into his mind. The hurt in Lucas’s eyes and the anger in his words. All caused by Jens. What if the other boy needed more time? What if he wouldn’t even pick up?

The fear must have shown on his face. Jens was sure, because Lies stood suddenly next to him, to push his phone into view. He had been starring at the surface of the table, unmoving, even when Lotte had come closer too, with a hand resting on his shoulder.

„Come on. Call.“ Lies demanded, despite the gentleness in her voice, it still made him take the phone into his hand.

„Alright.“

„Do you want us to leave?“

Good question, Jens thought, unsure how to answer. But then, he wasn’t planning on having the needed conversation over phone anyway. He was scared that words would get twisted and intentions screwed by the missing connection one had face to face.

So he shook his head.

The phone rang four times. 

Nothing.

He tried again. Just this second time and then he would put it away again.

It merely managed to make a sound, before the call was answered.

„Jens?“

He sat at the table, his breath on hold, as he listened to the boy on the other end. Jens wouldn’t cry from solely his name being spoken by the person he missed so much for only a couple of days now. He wouldn’t.

That was at least what he desperately told himself.

„Jens? Are you there?“

There was worry in the voice and Jens didn’t trust it. He didn’t deserved it. But he was on the phone, he remembered. He had been the one to iniiate the conversation. He should probably say something.

„Hi.“ 

Jesus. His voice had certainly cracked, like some fifteen year old teenanger going through puperty. This was embarrassing. But it also helped. Lucas was definitely snorting on the other end of the call. And the three siblings all fell into laughter, with Lies wheezing at her brother’s pitiful attempt to make things right. His sister’s really tried to keep quiet, but it kind of was in vain. Lucas must have heard them.

It took Jens a solid minute to speak again. 

„Sorry, about that.“

„It’s alright.“ Lucas said as he took an audible deep breath to calm down to continue. The faintest amusement in his voice still there, even if the mood had turned serious again. „I am really glad that you called.“

It was the earnesty that struck Jens the most. It came unexpected. He had planned to force Lucas to hear him out if he had to. In the strong assumption that the younger boy didn’t wanted to talk to him in the first place. Apparently Jens had been wrong. Again. Like so often. It seemed to become a habit.

„I’m glad you picked up.“

„Of course.“ Lucas replied without any hesitation, it made Jens smile a little. It felt so good to hear him again. To hear him at ease. Jens pushed away the intruding thought in his head, that told him that it probably had to do with Jens’s absence. He hated that he somehow could belive it.

„I thought, maybe we can talk?“

There was a brief pause on the other end, as the call fell silent.

„I’d like that. When?“ Lucas asked and Jens noticed that he hadn’t thought that far ahead.

„Uhm, when?“

„Yes, when?“ 

The amusement in the younger boy was back. Jens could imagine Lucas shaking his head at the silly and ungraceful awkwardness Jens presented. There was a hand in his view, that lead him to look up at Lies, who tried to get his attention.

„Tomorrow.“ She whispered, nodding her head quickly, while she pointed a finger to herself. „I can watch Lotte.“

Jens loved Lies so much, it was ridiculous.

„How about tomorrow? I could come over to yours.“

„Okay. Be here at one maybe?“

„Yes, that works.“ He affirmed in a heartbeat. Jens would have agreed to any proposed time. It wouldn’t have mattered as long as he got the chance to talk to Lucas. He had an idea what he wanted to say after last night’s conversation with Lies. He knew that it wouldn’t be perfect or maybe even work in his favour, but it would be a start.

„I’ll see you tomorrow then.“ Lucas said.

„Tomorrow.“

They sat in silence for a moment. Usually Jens would have told him that he loved him. But it didn’t feel right, even when the feelings were clearly there. It felt too much to voice it. They hadn’t broken up yet, but it wasn’t as if they were in a relationship still either. So he simply waited. 

And then there was a clicking sound and the call was ended.

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #final week #picking up the pieces

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 16th, Saturday 00:03

„Have you been crying?“

„What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in Canada?“

„Wouldn’t you like to know?“ Lies grinned, while she got rid of the big coat and boots she had worn. Her suitcase was neatly pushed aside to stand next to the stairs. His sister had frowned at him for a split second as she had stepped in, but quickly changed to look rather pleased with her surprise.

Jens was left speechless. This was completely unexpected. Perhaps he was dreaming, had falles asleep on the sofa without noticing, or worse he began to hallucinate. Had he finally lost it?

„I took a plane for 10 hours to see your ass and I don’t even get a hug?“

„My bad!“ Jens couldn’t help but smirk back at her as he closed the door he still hold onto. He was bigger than her, had grown quite a bit since she had left for Canada three years ago. Her head fitted almost under his chin as he wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug.

„All good, but seriously, are you okay? You don’t look okay.“

If he had been asked on any other day, he would have laughed at the familar teasing tone. However today he felt drained and shook his head instead. He indulged in the warmth of his bigger sister. Grateful that she was here and that her arms were safely tugged around his middle. He didn’t wanted to let go. Jens only tightened his grip.

„Hey.“ Lies whispered troubled by the unusal behaviour of her little brother. They hadn’t seen each other in a while, yet it didn’T meant that they had turned into completely different people. 

Her hands rubbed up and down his back while she pressed a gentle kiss against his cheek. His shoulders trembled as the pressure fell awa. Jens felt his eyes burn and  sobbed quiet into the woolen blue sweater she wore.

They stood like this for a couple of minutes, before Jens felt that he ouldn move again. That he has strengths to take a step in his own.

„Let’s sit down? And then you can tell me what’s happening with you, maybe? I would like to think my sole arrival brought you to tears, but that isn’t the case, right?“

Lies smiled at Jens in her attempted encouragment to calm him down, while a sad sigh escaped her lips nonethelss. Jens suddenly felt like a child again. He hadn’t felt like this in months. If he was honest with himself, it was freeing to let the weight shatter on the floor to their feet.

They moved into the living room a little after. Jens went to grab them both a glass of water that Lies gladly accepted to drink half of it almost immediately, before they both sat down on the sofa that Jens had cried on for almost an hour after Lotte had fallen asleep. To text his mom hadn’t helped as much he had hoped.

„So I take it, that this is because of mom. Is it that bad?“

„Yes and no. It’s about mom, yes. And she isn’t doing too well, doesn’t eat a lot and is getting weak between every visit. She gets infusions instead since this week, but.“ Lies nodded while her hand reached over to take his, that he hold in his lap. „It doesn’t look good. I think it’s good that you made it here. You should see her before.“ Jens stoped himself to take a quivering breath. „Before she dies.“

„That was the idea. I didn’t wanted to tell you in case it wouldn’t work. But the company I’m working for needed someone to check up on the branch in brussels and with me being belgian it was an easy desicion. I had to quarantine for two weeks get a test done but then could come here, even get a few days early to visit you. But I have to be in Brussels on Monday morning. I’m sorry, I can’t stay longer.“

„It’s fine. I’m happy you are here.“

„Are you? You look like you’d rather change places with mom.“

Jens shrugged, unsure how to answer it. 

Silence fell between them for the brief moment that he pondered how to best bring up Lucas.

„I think my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday.“ 

He looked over to find his sister’s shocked face. Stunned, perhaps expecting him to start laughing. She wasn’t believing him. Right, he reminded himself, she didn’t know.

„Well, yes. I have or, I guess, I had a boyfriend. I’m bi.“

Lies blinked at him, contemplating his words.

„Oh, for real? Okay. That’s fine. Great, really, just a lot to process. I never had thought. She paused. You know. I mean, you are Jens, always chasing a girl or another.“

Jens snorted, his lips curled up. He supposed she was right. And maybe he should do that again. No heartbreak with a girl had hurt as much as this one with Lucas.

„So did she, sorry, he say that it’s over?“

„No, not yet.“

„How long were you together?“

„For two month“

„That isn’t very long yet. I thought you were talking about a year or something. But than I definitely would have expected you to tell me about him sooner.“ She teased, nudging him with her elbow as she tried to lighten the mood at least a little, from the self-pity that Jens was wallowing in.

Lies was right, as much as she was wrong. It had been only two month, but it had felt like they had lived a life together. How could it only have been two month? It didn’t made much sense.

It shouldn’t hurt as much, if they only barely knew each other. Odd how fast they had moved and how easy it had felt to accept it. They had run at lightning speed, then crashed and burned, when there had been nothing to ground them to the earth beneath their feet.

This had been their mistake. This was what they hadn’t thought of.

Though maybe Lucas had. And Jens just hadn’t listened. The fault was his in the end after all.

„You don’t understand. It felt like more.“

„More? You know each other longer?“

„No, but we were close. He was always around. I don’t know how to explain it.“

His gaze fell onto the book on the table and then darted over to the opened box of cookies on the kitchen counter.

„He is still everywhere here. There are a couple of shirts drying on the rack with mine and Lotte’s.“ Jens said. He felt his heavy heart pound against his ribs. It just couldn’t be over.

„Sounds very intense.“

Jens nodded once more. He agreed. Now that he thought about what Lucas had said, perhaps Jens had used him a little too much like a lifeline to stay afloat, when he should have started swimming at one point.

„It was, but then, it wasn’t at all. It was really, really nice whenever he was here. I miss him. And I miss you. And I miss mom so much.“

„I miss all of you as well. I wish I could pack you up and take you to Canada with me. Theo would love you.“

He hummed. The idea to just escape and leave it all behind sounded rather enticing. And he had enjoyed the week that her fiance had spend with them on the visit two years ago.

„So how about we have some tea and much needed sibling bonding time? And then you talk me through everything. I am sure that this boy isn’t just going to leave you, when you really were that close.“

„Lucas.“ Jens suddenly noticed. Lies and Jens had bern on a short call on Christmas, but he hadn’t told her about his relationship. He barely had come out to his friends at that point of time.

„Huh? What?“

„My boyfriend’s name. Lucas.“

Lies smiled. The five year difference apparent in her kind eyes. As if she would have the answers he seeked.

„Okay. First some tea and then Lucas, and you better have some pictures.“

Jens huffed a laugh as he watched the excitement in his sister’s face. She looked and sounded just like she always had. As if time hadn’t passed and the last two years were null.

It would hurt to let her go again on sunday. Jens had forgotten how close they used to be. How much she always had taken care of him. But right now, here in this moment, he felt himself caught in blissful content.

“Alright.“ Jens got up, followed by Lies as they headed to the kitchen. „ And yes I do have photos.”

“Perfect. I can’t believe I get to talk about boys with my baby brother.”

„Shut up.“

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

I’m late and this is so bad..I’m sorry... I tried 

#week 13 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #here we go #final week