chrinsu

[chrinsu]

I don’t have a god complex. I have a demon complex. I think I’m the worst.

#musings.

[chrinsu]

truth - "is there anyone or anything you would die for?"

     “joohyun.” without hesitation her name slips passed his lips with ease, brows raising subtly acting as confirmation. “even if she doesn’t feel the same way, i would take a bulle—” he pauses, “no, not a bullet. bullets are for bitches. i would take an axe to the face, whilst sober for her.” correcting himself. curtains drawn as the window peeks opened with the slight glaze of euphoria painting his skies a calm shade of sienna, as though her fingertips had grazed by his fragmented soul, piecing it all together again. a warmth that encapsulates the essence of all the goodness in his heart, sifted by his father’s lack of compassion. 

     “i would die for joohyun.”

#rosetrdr #simp mode #hello who dis

[chrinsu]

💍💍💍

#visage.

[chrinsu]

​the way you make me feel, it’s as though,  i can’t even breathe.

@chrjoohyun

#chrjoohyun #moodboard. #tw: sucide #because of the balcony body reference thing #idk lmao

[chrinsu]

truth ╳ do you have a phobia that you would be ashamed of if people ever found out about it?

     he lets his brows furrow, lets the question sink in and for a moment almost backs out from wanting to answer it. “a phobia?” a short pause. “i don’t know what it’s called but i’ve recently had this recurring nightmare where a pigeon would come and peck my eyeballs out and kill me.” sounds ridiculous, he knows. “i’m shitting if i see a pigeon coming close to me, those fucking things are ruthless and fear no man.” he shudders slightly at the thought alone. 

#rosetrdr #thanks for sending #!! #idek what this response is #omg

[chrinsu]

JOOHYUN !!

“you’ve not spend a single night with me since we came here, obviously i should have just stayed at home.” she replies back, stopping in her tracks for just a second before turning to him. she hates this, she hates how her eyes are burning, her face is red, more from embarrassment than anger. she feels like she doesn’t belong in the same space as insu, at least for now, and a breath of fresh air would really do her well. she really just wants to not breathe the same air as him. she didn’t want to feel this way and to explode in his face like that, maybe if rose hadn’t posted that picture, with that caption, it wouldn’t be like this. but insu had to learn his lesson, that as much as joohyun had patience, she had her limits with the things he did.

“you’re telling me a lousy excuse!” she yells back at him. truth my ass, she thinks, tears threatening to spill down her cheeks “the alcohol was your tipping point, you would have allowed yourself to do it sober at some point-” she turns to look at her, upset beyond explanations. joohyun feels like she is talking to a wall, her own words hitting back at her “you knew i was scared you’d do this, you knew insu… yet, here we fucking are..” she adds, running her hands through her hair, pulling at the roots while she looks at him. she doesn’t expect him to drop on his knees like that, she never thought she’d witness the day where lee insu puts his own pride aside for this, for her. unfortunately, it was too late.

“begging won’t solve it, actions speak louder than words insu..” joohyun pauses, reaching to wipe her face. she feels bad now, the sudden wash of regret for what she’s said and guilt trying to take over, but she doesn’t allow it. she doesn’t plan to allow it. he had to learn a lesson. “i said i’m leaving.. you on your knees doesn’t change the fact about what you did… and how you made me feel..” she feels like she will break in two, break her decision to leave. she looks around, finally finding her sandals “insu.” she says his name yet again “look at me, look at me at least when you’re begging me to stay.” she knows its not right, she knows she’s probably being too dramatic, but he had to learn a lesson, that his actions would have consequences. she straightens up once she’s done putting on her shoes, her cheeks still wet from the tears that just refused to stop pouring, chin trembling ever so slightly. “you can at least try and look at me after what you’ve done.”

     what was he expecting? a quick acceptance of his apology, as if he could just walk all over her and let a few simple words on his knees, mend the bridge he had just burnt? of course not. something in his chest burns, permeating through the layers of resistance that encased his breaking soul. was it guilt? disappointment within himself? regret? the shattering of his pride? or— it’s heart break. he feels the subtle cracks that chip away at his chest, feels it almost suffocate him as he attempts to subside the pain. he’s feeling all the emotions of loss before it even happens, he’s expecting the worse as though she would end everything they had together at any moment and he wouldn’t know how to react. this was exactly why he chose to abandon commitment, to not himself fall ill to this affection. 

     and she was right. he has not spent a single night with her since coming here. his mind all too caught up in a haze amidst the scrimmage of his own inner turmoil. mind preoccupied by the incessant chanting of his father’s words, expectations pressed against his shoulders like weights pressing against metal, and he feels the pressure almost drowning himself out. he takes a breath, fists balling up tighter, feeling crescents form in his palms. look at me at least when you’re begging me to stay. she’s mocking him, and for a moment he catches himself feigning the victim, catches himself running away from his actions as if consequences were but an exception to him. you have no right to think she’s mocking you, you piece of shit. his fists are almost shaking as they curl up in front of him, you can at least try and look at me after what you’ve done. he feels the tips of his ears burn, feels the hitch in his breath intensify, feels his gaze fall more hazy, though it doesn’t shift to meet with hers. it remains pasted to the floor because if he allowed himself to look at her in this moment, he would break. 

     his already waning disposition, unbroken by tears would shatter at the sight of her distressed. he hasn’t cried in years, perhaps in almost a decade since his mother’s news regarding her health. a streak he has kept so pridefully that he still attempts to hold onto, even  now. he lets a shaky exhale escape from between gritted teeth, “i can’t.” his voice falls flatter than anticipated, as if already numbed by the overwhelming emotional torrent that cascaded through his veins. “i’ll break.” he adds, suppressing the slight whimper that shadows in his voice. he has never felt this much in his life before, as if a million tabs had opened and all he wanted to do was scream. 

     “maybe... maybe you’re right.” he speaks in between breaths, “maybe i can’t change, maybe i’m doomed to always be this piece of shit.” maybe, my father was right. it does run in the lee family. he lets the thought sink in, lets the anger rise above his scrimmage, a balled up fist raises to slam against the flooring in front. a slight snivel escaping from beneath downturned hues as he remained hunched over the floor. “if you won’t stay, then go. if the sight of me makes you sick, then go.” pathetic whimpering breaking in between his breaths, “i fucked up and i’m sorry.”

#chrjoohyun #i deadass #forgot my tags #kajhgerf #hes whimpering #what a #bitc #h #jokes #skjrhgrfj

[chrinsu]

☆ kwon joohyun and lee insu’s relationship - midnight dates edition

#chrjoohyun #moodboard. #omg cutest #kjsehgrf #stan this

[chrinsu]

— What is your problem? — Who knows, I have so many.

Daniel C. L. (via alterated)

#musings.

[chrinsu]

JOOHYUN !!

joohyun watches him, quietly as he looks at the bright screen, hands clenching into fists. this was ridiculous. she thinks anything other than this would have been fine to accept. leaving her to go and drink, to have fun with other people, never really was a problem. she never really controlled him and his actions, maybe put her two cents into his decisions, but never acted out. she gave him all the freedom he wanted and didn’t corner him. maybe that had been the problem, her willingness to not play damage control in insu’s life.

however, joohyun waits. quietly as she can, ignoring how her throat was burning. she could wait for an answer. any lousy excuse he would give her would be something to work with. she doesn’t expect him to say that, but those words weren’t it. she lets it sink, staring down at him, head tilting to the side ever so slightly. there was a light huff of disbelieve, hand reaching to wipe away her eyes. “what a joke.” she mutters, a loud sigh following. she takes a step back, already ready to just go somewhere else, anywhere else than be in the same proximity of her fiancé.

i was drunk it wasn’t intentional. the words ring in her head as if someone was playing them through a speaker, and joohyun’s blood boils up yet again. almost enough to see red. she wasn’t quite there, but at the speed insu was working at, it wouldn’t take long. i was fucking drunk, joohyun. “you’re a fucking excuse. that’s what you are, insu.“ she speaks up, voice louder than before. “you hadn’t set out to fuck her? why? was it someone else you went out with the intention to fuck? did i ruin your plans by being here?“ joohyun was an emotional person, she was used to wearing her heart on her sleeve, to being open about any and every aspect of her feelings.

when their eyes meet, it takes almost everything in joohyun to not raise her hand at him, but she knows. he’s not worth it. not now at least. but her disappointment is there, the tears that had been freely rolling down her cheeks also. so she takes another step away from him “i’m leaving.” there really wasn’t anywhere she could really go without ending up being a complete mess, but that wouldn’t stop joohyun. “you couldn’t care fucking less.” unfortunately, anger gets the better of her as she grabs one of the towels on the bed and throws it in insu’s direction. it misses, but its close enough to get her point across. 

     he knows he fucked up, the moment he set foot out the night prior. his skies had alight in burning carmine and wedged between the stars illuminating the blanket overhead was the sudden desire to sabotage everything that seemingly was going well for him. a curse, perhaps. the enigmatic squander that would encase his reverie, burn his moral compass to ashes, spins with such veracity that it pinpoints all his flaws and drowns out the sanity in his mind. did i ruin your plans by being here? all the words that she spoke burnt a specific part of his remaining sanity. “wh-what? no.” brows furrowing with the same confusion that he had encountered the morning of the incident, waking up to the unfamiliar features of the older woman. “why would you even say that?” he doesn’t raise his voice, he doesn’t resort to screaming because he can’t. because he’s too tired, too wasted to even keep his tone steady enough to keep it loud. 

     i’m leaving. “joohyun, no.” digits curling onto the side of the seat, hazy vision close shut for a moment in attempts of regaining his stability, he pushes himself up, standing he turns to her, “joohyun, please.” gaze trailing the towel that just narrowly missing him, “i’m telling the truth.” too hammered to have known any better, sanity departing his reverie to the precipice of lunacy. digits running through his strands, his vision returns clearer than before, gaze softening evident of the guilt that ravages his system. “i was fucking drunk.” he speaks slowly this time, moving towards her, “joohyun, please.” and for the first time in his waking life, he feels a sense of guilt washing over him. the oddity of such a feeling baffling his mind, he has never pleaded for forgiveness, the words alone were merely decoration for his father’s pleasure. this was different.

     he falls to his knees, lets his gaze shift to the floor, a deep inhale as palms press against the floor before him, features shielded by ebony strands. “i fucked up, joohyun.” he starts, digits curling into themselves as fists form, knuckles grazing against the flooring, “i’m so fucking sorry, joohyun.” he’s pleading, and this is the first time he had pushed his pride aside and let the shame scatter about his sanity. let all the arrogance and dignity that once laced his words shatter to a mere shaky breath of an apology. something his father said he was incapable of, something his own father was incapable of. “please don’t leave.” pathetic, honestly.

#chrjoohyun #whata mess sis

[chrinsu]

JOOHYUN !!

ridiculous. to think that in this modern day and age joohyun got to heard there were parents that still did these things. she can feel her mother burning holes in her head, her father’s disappointed sigh reaching her ears. she’s never been the one to object her family, since she can remember, she never said no to anything they told you. you’re going to learn the violin. you’re going horse riding. you’re going to hannam. you’re going into programming. always said yes, however, she thinks this was the perfect time to object this.

the fact that insu was on her side was a huge relieve “can’t believe i have to agree with you out of everyone in this room.” joohyun says, eyes moving to her former school mate, gaze still as angry. their eyes meet, for a split second, but there is nothing there. they hadn’t been anything more than acquaintances while they were both in hannam, but now she didn’t even want to know he existed. “necessary is putting it softly, it’s a joke.” she adds, standing up. her father follows suit, only to place a stern hand on her shoulder, an attempt to stop her from leaving. unfortunately, it works to an extend. 

“i hope there is backup plan for whatever deal you guys agreed on.“ her father’s hand visibly tightens on her shoulder before his words follow hers, almost overlapping “i apologize about her, must be exam stress.” joohyun turns to look at her father, face of pure disgust he was actually allowing this to happen. “my words stand.” she states, shrugging her father’s hand off her shoulder before pushing her chair back stepping away from the table. “a fucking joke..” she mutters under her breath, kicking the chair out of anger.

     he had lived his entire life up until this point in so complacently that it felt as though he was watching from a third perspective. dulled hues glazing the table, eyeing the features of those seated around it. he takes into account the frustration on joohyun’s face, takes in the disappointment and anger that was so evident on his father’s own countenance, the  kind of glare that used to frighten him as a child. would wither his resolve and shatter his insurrection against his father’s strict regime. 

     and he’s trying to keep his disposition, composure held on a leash so thin that it would threaten to snap at any moment. feels his knuckles peering white through his skin as a sigh hisses from between his teeth. his gaze meets with his father’s again, stern features moving to a frown and insu backs off, lets his another sigh escape from his lips, this time more defeated than the last as he averts his gaze elsewhere. the excuse from joohyun’s father following then the sound of the chair colliding with tiles beneath catching a subtle glimpse from already frustrated features. a smirk slightly pulls on his features, amused amidst the tension. 

     “reconsider this.” he turns to his father again, voice more calm than the last. “where is she going to live? what are the logistics? this—” he pauses only to let the impending anger subside, he knows that if he throws a tantrum now, the ride back home would be filled with degrading curses and threats to his life. a hand to his throat or a closed fist to his face. his father speaks up, “she will live with you of course. you have your own place now, it’s only reasonable that she moves in with you.” his father tries to offer his most genuine smile, though it only disgusts insu further. “but—” he attempts to protest, though the firm grip on his arm by his father denotes a sense of apprehension. “reconsider this.” he repeats.

#chrjoohyun #chrjoohyun &&. untitled1. #threads.

[chrinsu]

JAMIE !!

. . .

     she feels the buzz of her phone that sat in her back pocket , but it didn’t take much effort to let it go unanswered for a while as she patiently waited for joohyun to calm down a little. only did when she get up to go get a glass of water for her did jamie have a chance to glance at the texts. to say that she was a little surprised wouldn’t have been a stretch because insu never had the track record of being apologetic for his actions and seeing him in what seemed to be a state of panic almost confused her anger. 

[ ✉️ » speedster 🖤 ]  :  i need you to take a few deep breaths, insu. can you do that for me? [ ✉️ » speedster 🖤 ]  : it’ll be okay , i’ll make sure joohyun doesn’t leave [ ✉️ » speedster 🖤 ]  : just stay where you are , i’ll come see you soon okay?

     the moments of silence that takes form as a grotesque monstrosity that claws at his throat, digits tensed as crescents press into the insides of his palms. knuckles peering white, feeling his entirety pulsate with a wrath so egregiously unprincipled that he feels the knot in his stomach tighten. it tightens at every second that his messages go unanswered, it tightens at every hitched breath he takes amidst the blurring of his vision. carmine painting his skies as an unsteady hand haphazardly drags the brush across the canvas, tar bleeding all over his sanity. 

     insu didn’t know what had come over him, the night before, a mistake. hardly even a recollection in his mind, barely a memory that sprouted in his reverie, events that transpired so unwillingly that he felt himself living from a third perspective. the spiteful son of a controlling father, dawdling in the corner of the room as jaded hues place themselves against the silhouette of the older woman, vision blurs again and this time, charred lungs and intoxicated breaths hiss from between his lips. once awoken, temples ache with the consequences of the prior night, squinting with such incertitude that he felt his digits tremble as the tail end of his brow quivers. 

     he didn’t know who else to talk to, friends were never a part of his... thing. it was only jamie, and in times like these, he is tempted to just give up to just let go and to surrender to the inevitability that he can’t be changed. he is damaged goods, shattered and insane. no amount of medicine could cure the person that is lee insu, a contradicting whirlwind of qualities that ravage his system. 

     the sudden notification on his screen receiving widened optics, a sense of relief washing over him he reads through the messages. joohyun. the initial thought that resurfaces in his mind, washing out all the selfish scrimmage in his reverie. she’s with joohyun. 

( txt moral compass ) ive been taking deep breaths my entire life ( txt moral compass ) its gotten me nowhere ( txt moral compass ) let me come over, let me see joohyun

     he takes a deep breath, feels his lungs fill with with nothing but panic and distress, evident in the way his lower lip quivers in frustration. his grip tightening around his phone, no.

( txt moral compass ) please ( txt moral compass ) i feel like im dying

#jamiechr #jamiechr &&. send help.

[chrinsu]

*bottles up emotions* this coping shits easy

#musings. #oop #aint that the truth

[chrinsu]

truth: "Are there any two people you know that you would ship together? Would you ever do anything to set them up?"

     a scoff in response, insu hasn’t been paying enough attention to the romantic dalliances of the hannam alumni to answer such a question. shoulders rolling back to a shrug, although, he is aware of one person who has been passed around like some sort of party trick, “uh— i guess sungho and the entirety of hannam? i don’t know? who hasn’t that fuck ass dated?” a cop out of an answer, but it appears everyone insu has spoken to has made brief mentions of sungho and his dalliances towards the population of hannam. impressive, though slightly concerning. insu wasn’t sure if the general populace was under some kind of curse or if sungho was just that enticing. an internal reflex of his stomach acids threatening to spew at the thought alone. “and no, i would rather perform seppuku.”

#rosetrdr #tw: seppuku #idk #is that a trigger? #tw: suicide #since seppuku #srry sungho #i didnt mean to slander u #but is it rlly slander #oop #no im kidding #jsgkejrgh

[chrinsu]

dare;;

    i. insu has never begged on his knees so pitifully and shamelessly in his life before, with tears running down his face and hands clasped together as if praying to a god he does not believe in. nor has he ever admitted wholeheartedly and actually believed that he had done anything wrong to someone before. with his recent fuckup with joohyun, insu had never felt the emotions he felt that day towards anyone. had never felt the way his chest ached and the way the tips of his ears burn with indignity. had never let the words “i’m sorry.” leave such an impactful sting to his pride and had never swept his pride aside to so sternly state his regret. joohyun was the first person to ever hear a genuine apology from him.

    ii. insu is aware that joohyun deserves better than him. that joohyun deserves someone that doesn’t take her for granted and only sees her value when they fuck up. that joohyun deserves someone who has a more stable moral compass, someone who has a better hobby than to simply count money, someone who is able to return her affection the same way she offers it. insu is aware that he’s a piece of shit but, at least he’s aware that he’s a piece of shit, which makes it somewhat better. doesn’t it? 

     iii. despite having lived together for years, insu still resorts to sleeping on the couch or in the guest room because he’s afraid of making joohyun uncomfortable with his presence at night. he doesn’t want his negative energy rubbing off onto her and causing her to have sleep paralysis and waking up to a demon attempting to gauge her eyes out or possess her soul. insu believes that he bleeds toxicity and with his irregular sleeping pattern, he’s afraid it’ll affect her own. with the one time that he had tucked her into bed, as she tugged him back and as he sat in the bed beside her drunken self, he was forced to hold his breath in between intervals of nervous breathing.

     iv. joohyun is one of the only few people people that had gotten to meet his dying mother and who still remembers joohyun vividly. when insu and joohyun are caught amidst an argument and insu visits his mother alone, she always asks him where joohyun is and whether or not she has become his wife yet. the question always creating a hitch in his breath as if melting all the prior animosity he had felt amidst their fight away. 

     v. insu has a picture of joohyun wrapped in money, tucked away in his wallet. he believes that it brings him good luck and makes him a nicer person. one time, he had thought he lost it and almost sacrificed a child from the lee’s youth outreach services facility to find it again. luckily, it was just tucked away in a different compartment of his wallet. he hopes joohyun never finds it though, because it’s a picture of her sleeping and he doesn’t want to come off as some serial killer type creep. insu just thinks joohyun has the cutest sleeping face.

     vi. insu gags every time he says something nice to joohyun, it’s instinctive at this point and that’s why he talks a lot more slowly around joohyun to prevent himself from throwing up at his own words. he’s getting better at expressing himself to her though, which is a good sign. the one time he told her he would kill for her, he felt his entire spine try to wiggle out of his body and out of his ass because he just doesn’t have it in him to spit romantic dialogue.

#chrjoohyun #rosetrdr #under cut bc kinda long #oop

[chrinsu]

SEOHA !!

. . .

seoha fixates her gaze to him steadily, bringing the glass to her lips and taking a sip.

“i guess so,” she cuts in to interrupt the classmate who is still talking, for god’s sake. “but definitely not all of us go into what we’re cut out for,” she says with purpose, tilting her head slightly to the side as her unmoving gaze tries to penetrate insu’s facade. while seoha isn’t 100% sure what he does, she’s heard some things that have made her laugh in utter disbelief. 

as she takes another long sip of her wine, seoha watches him fidget under her stare and silently dares him to talk back, say something, anything. 

     the reunion working against his favour, the smell of alcohol that lingers too temptingly, as if taunting him, caressing gently at his fingertips. digits wrapping around the glass, raising it up to eye level, seeing it swerve in his glass, a subtle shift of his brow as he lowers it again. contemplation digging deep inside his reverie, a cursed vice that almost manages to ravage his system, one that was capable shattering all the faith and hope he had left in himself. he takes the glass to his lips, digits shifting gently, as he downs it in one motion. the glass lowers again, only to feel the sheer disappointment drowning out his sanity. a sigh accompanies the booing he hears in the backdrop of his reverie  as an eye roll works past his dulled hues.

     his reputation poisoned by his own actions, something he supposes can’t be changed though, his therapist tells him otherwise. tells him that there is hope if he keeps his faith, that things will work out in the end. a scoff leaving from his lips, as he resigns from being a mental patient. his father tells him otherwise, tells him how disappointed he is, having a son who won’t help himself. another scoff, met in the face of adversity and he spits directly into the face of god. good things come to those who wait, yet all this waiting has accumulated to nothing. and insu is stuck between which drink to drink next. he’s eyeing the hard liquor, but his past traumatic mistakes during the divorce party tell him otherwise. tells him to quit, tells him to turn away. the glass still dangling from his forefinger and his middle, placing it onto the tray of an incoming waiter only to take another filled glass. oh, how miserably he’s failing at staying sober.

     glass in hand, as he allows his gaze to shift around the venue, finding a place to finally sit. his fiance was here accompanying him, though he has lost her amidst the sea of nameless features. pulling an empty seat out, as he moves to be seated, the glass not leaving his hand for a moment. watching the glass with some distaste, seeing the subtle bubbling of the drink in his hand bursting with the soft fizzle. brows knitting ever so gently for a moment, an inner scrimmage scratching at his seams, the sudden noise in the backdrop intensifying amidst his sober turmoil, though his gaze doesn’t leave from his glass. the voice the permeates through to the foreground of his attention, receives a smirk tugging at his corners. familiarity plaguing his reverie, seoha. he lets the name sink in, lets it marinated amidst the voices accompanying her own. lets their memories fizzle out like the bubbling in his drink. 

     but definitely not all of us go into what we’re cut out for. her words amuse him, his smirk on growing as digits shift the glass in his hand, resting against the table, rocking gently betwixt his fingers. his gaze finally shifts to meet with hers, head tilting to the side, a scoff leaving him. working with the problematic youth, something he too, never thought he would have to endure. his wanted nothing more than to work for his mother’s business empire, yet was shoved to assist his father’s campaign. forced to build his father’s good reputation, to prove that insu, himself, was capable to positive change. to give back. an eye roll moves through dulled hues, finally taking the glass to his lips, this time he only takes a short slip. 

     “seola, was it? no— seoha, right?” the smirk on his features remaining, as his gaze shifts to the people beside her, who he can only assume were her friends. “a vet? i work with animals too, except they look like humans.” brows raising in jest. 

#chrseoha #threads. #chrseoha &&. untitled01. #thank u for the starter! #this reply is kinda ass im so sorRYGAIREGIJ

[chrinsu]

truth - how do you sleep at night?

     “with my eyes opened and in constant fear and regret. nah, just kidding. i don’t.” sleepless nights spent with soles dragging against concrete. strands tousled by the night’s zephyr as the sun dismantles itself into the haze of obsidian painted skies. streets dotted by dimly lit lights, adorning the high rises that shadow over him. so minuscule in scale. “sleep is for the weak.” he adds, the subtle tint of condescension glazing over his teasing hues, as the corners of his lips tug upwardly. “i can only sleep for an hour at a time.” special thanks to his own father, moaning and groaning with different women in the middle of the night, loud enough to twist his spine and skin to crawl. truly traumatising.

#rosetrdr #tyyyyy for sendingggg #:))))

[chrinsu]

I simply do not vibe with my father

#musings. #insu's entire personality basically #oOP