cinnamongorll

[cinnamongorll]

a fragile line - chapter 30

read on ao3! (139k words) | previous chapter | masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female OC

Series tags: extreme slow burn, age gap, older man/younger woman, protective joel, jealous joel, hurt/comfort, pov third person, mutual pining, angst, sexual tension, friends to lovers, canon-typical violence, feral joel, parental abuse, eventual smut.

Series synopsis: three years ago, Juliet escaped her father's religious survivor camp, ending up in the Boston QZ. Juliet created a life for herself in Boston, desperate to forget the trauma of her upbringing. One day, Juliet arrives home to find a mysterious letter which forces her to return to her home town. Juliet can't travel the harsh post-apocalyptic landscape alone, so she enlists the help of the grumpy and, at times, frightening man she works alongside: Joel Miller.

Word count: 3.6k

Chapter 30:

Juliet's POV:

“Joel.”

His name caught in her throat like a burning hot coal. 

He stared down at her, his chest moving quickly as he struggled to catch his breath. A layer of sweat shone on his head, illuminated by the singular light hanging in the corner of the stables.

His eyes scanned her face. They were open wide, allowing Juliet to see the confusion and desperate fear burning around his pupils. 

“I have to leave,” she croaked out and forced her head to turn away from him as she bent to grab her bag. 

Juliet hadn’t moved an inch before Joel’s hand gripped her forearm, demanding her attention. Her head swung back to him. 

“Explain, now,” he commanded breathlessly, visibly holding his rage back.

Juliet swallowed and shook her head. Her eyes didn’t leave his face. 

All Juliet could hear in her mind was the memory of her father’s bitter cold words, smashing her entire life into sharp, foreign shapes. 

She didn’t know who she was anymore.  

How could she explain that to him? 

Her brain was screaming at her to push past Joel, to get on her horse, to find where she came from, to find out who she truly was.

But Joel’s grip on her was strong, stronger even than the hand holding her in place. 

Juliet wet her lips, then she lay her shattered heart at Joel’s feet:

“He wasn’t my father,” she whispered. 

Joel’s hand tightened as the line between his eyebrows deepened. 

“What?” 

“I remembered,” Juliet murmured, then cleared her throat and shifted her gaze to lock on Joel’s forehead so she didn’t have to watch his reaction. 

“I remembered what he told me that night… before you found me.”

Joel flinched and Juliet felt his fingers flex against her forearm as his jaw tightened. 

“He wasn’t my real father. Elijah -” Juliet’s breath caught as the foreign name left her lips. She had never referred to him by his first name; it tasted like ash in her mouth. 

“Elijah killed my parents, Joel, my real parents,” she whispered, not daring to say the words too loud, lest they become too real in her mind. “He told me right before he died.” 

Joel stayed silent. The tightening of his hand on her arm was the only assurance that he had heard her. 

“I have to go back -”

“No.” 

Juliet gasped as Joel’s other hand gripped her other arm, now locking her fully in his grip. 

“Joel, stop,” Juliet argued as she struggled against him. 

Joel shook his head as his eyes darkened even further in the low lighting. 

“Not a chance,” he ground out as his hands moved from Juliet’s arms to her waist and, with a deep groan, he lifted her up over his shoulder.

He started moving almost immediately, striding out of the stables as Juliet’s fists began to pound against his back.

“Let me go!” Juliet grunted. She was panicking now as her anxiety grew into a fierce flame in her chest. 

She couldn’t stay here. She couldn’t pretend that she didn’t know.

Juliet wanted closure, she craved it. She couldn’t close that chapter of her life now that her memory had wedged the door open. Juliet couldn’t push out the horror that seeped through the crack and pretend that she was healing, she had to confront it, she had to face it. 

She had to go back. 

Saying that to Joel, when he had fought and killed to save her from that place… Juliet almost choked on her guilt. 

But the knowledge that she wasn’t her father’s daughter, that maybe she wasn’t destined to end up like him, and that there might have been people who actually loved her… that desperate need to find out more was stronger than her guilt. 

Juliet’s world was upside down as she swung over Joel’s back.

Through blurry eyes she watched the grass he walked on descend into stones then into the concrete lining Jackson’s mainstreet as her fists slowed and her cries quietened. 

Joel wasn’t letting go. 

But neither was Juliet. 

When his weakened stride finally stopped, Juliet recognised the dark wood of his front door and she squeezed her eyes shut as she remembered her knuckles striking off of it all those months ago. 

“I’m gonna put you down and we’re gonna go inside and talk,” Joel instructed, and Juliet could feel the rumble of his voice against her chest. 

A small gust of wind blew against her face, drying the tears which had gathered under her eyes. Juliet waited for her feet to hit the ground. 

“You hear me?” he said louder, startling Juliet. 

She should feel angry that Joel stopped her and that, once again, he had taken away her choice. But Juliet’s rage was a tall candle in a frosted window; its flame burned quietly, but it couldn’t go anywhere. 

She was tired and she was restless. Her anger was second to the wild, desperate need within her to run, to listen to the voice that called her home.

It was difficult to remember that only hours ago she was at the dance, watching her friends twirl under the Christmas lights. It was still the same night, the sky hadn’t begun to lighten and yet everything had changed. She had changed. 

If only she had gone to bed, and not walked down those basement stairs. Juliet would have still be hopeful. Hopeful that she might become a whole person again, hopeful that her and Joel might be able to mend the cracks between them. 

In her basement, Juliet came face to face with the rotten mess of her soul once again. But this time, she could see a way to cut it out, to rid herself of it forever. She couldn’t give up that chance. 

“Yes,” Juliet agreed, her voice was numb and lifeless.

Slowly, Joel’s hands brought her back down until her boots hit the wooden porch. 

She didn’t look at him. She couldn’t. Juliet knew that she would either see that same numbness reflected back into Joel’s eyes or worse, an echo of the hurt she felt. 

Joel reached around her and turned the handle on the door, pushing it open into the dark house. Juliet sucked in a breath when he drew near but forced herself to turn and step through the doorway.

She stood in the hall as Joel turned on the lights, moving slowly as he switched on the lamps in the living room. 

When he was done, the air turned expectant, like the house had awaited her return. 

Juliet looked up, searching for Joel and found him standing by the coffee table. He stood tall, his typical iron stance was in full effect. Juliet would have thought it was a usual night in Jackson for him, if it weren’t for his trembling hands curling into fists against his jeans.

The sight made something inside Juliet seize up. She wanted to rush to him and close her fingers around his. To get on her knees in front of him and beg for his forgiveness, beg for his permission to leave him, to leave this sanctuary.

Juliet knew that she didn’t need his permission. 

But god did she crave his forgiveness. 

Her footsteps were quiet and careful as she moved into the living room and sunk into the leather couch. Joel followed her movements like a hunter with a rifle. 

Then he took his shot:

“I shouldn’t have hit him,” Joel said, rubbing his fingers over his jaw. 

Juliet’s eyebrows scrunched as her heart rate slowed. Joel’s hand dropped suddenly and he shifted his stance, then met her eyes again. 

“If that’s what this is about… if i’ve scared you, if you wanna stay away from me, I get it,” Joel practically stuttered, his voice low as his hand tapped in a nervous gesture against his thigh. 

“No,” Juliet breathed, shaking her head. 

Joel continued as though he hadn’t heard her denial, maybe he hadn’t. 

“But you don’t gotta leave Jackson,” he ground out, as though the words pained him. 

“It’s not you, Joel,” she said quickly, “I have to go back. I have to know -” 

Joel’s cold laugh cut her off. 

His mouth was curled in that way she remembered from their time on the road, when Joel’s armour was thick and immovable. 

“No, see, I just don’t believe it,” he said with a shrug as he raised his hand in front of him, emphasising his point. 

Juliet straightened her spine. 

“I just don’t believe that you would be stupid enough, after everything we went through to get here, everything you went through… that you’d just go back out there,” he paused, running a hand over his face, “on some fuckin’ fool’s errand.”

Juliet flinched. 

She dropped her gaze to her hands and allowed her eyes to follow the trails of scars which littered her pale flesh, while she listened to the sound of Joel’s breathing.  

With a shaky sigh, Juliet stood, rising from the couch as Joel shifted his stance, sweeping his gaze up and down her body. 

With a trembling hand, Juliet caught the edge of her top and lifted it up until she met the edge of her bra. Then she stopped until she could meet Joel’s eyes. 

His black stare was glued to the brand on her stomach. 

“Remember this?” she asked quietly.

Joel’s eyes flashed to her’s. They were burning with what she knew as the cold, dark rage that simmered within him.

Juliet didn’t drop her hand, she let her father’s initials hang between them. 

“When I found out he was dead, I had this strange thought that he could never hurt me anymore, that maybe I could actually be rid of him,” Juliet began, stopping to laugh humorlessly at her stupidity.  

“Then I saw this,” she forced out, tilting her chin down to look at the letters burned forever on her skin. Her father’s claim on her. 

“And I knew that I was a fool,” Juliet’s eyes blinked up at Joel when she noticed him straighten. “I was a fool to think that I could ever escape him.” She paused, inhaling slowly. “I realised that in the QZ when he sent me that letter, and again when he forced the poker onto my skin.” 

“But the worst way I realised was when I started to kill people the same way I killed the infected. With no remorse, nothing but fear for myself, and… fear for you,” Juliet stopped suddenly, dropping her top and running a hand through her hair. 

“I thought that my father’s sickness had got to me through the blood we shared,” she whispered. “That I could never escape him because, in truth, I was just like him.”

Joel hadn’t moved; just stared down at her. 

“Then I went down into that fucking basement tonight,” Juliet laughed, rubbing her neck, “and it came back to me. He had told me what he’d done, but for some reason I just didn’t remember till now.” 

“He’s not my father,” Juliet said in a low voice, still struggling to verbalise her knowledge. “I don’t have to be like him anymore. Maybe the brand is the only thing left of him.”

Finally, Joel moved, shaking his head so viciously Juliet couldn’t help but take a step backwards when he took a step towards her. 

“You’re nothin like him,” he practically growled. 

Juliet’s eyes pricked with tears and she looked away, towards the door, then back to Joel. 

“Maybe,” she replied, inhaling another deep breath. “But I need proof.”

That broke Joel from his frozen state. 

He moved quickly, gripping her arms like he did in the stables. Gentler, this time, like his anger had been replaced by his terror. His hands moved up her arms, unable to settle on a place to touch her but unwilling to let her go. 

“I can’t stand by and watch you go on a suicide mission,” he fumed, his pupils flaring as he said the words. “Even if you make it there, and that’s an if, that town’s gonna be decimated. There’ll be nobody left.”

A muscle jumped in his jaw as he continued to stare down at her. His gaze wasn’t gentle; it felt like fire on her skin. 

“They barely had any food when we were there, and I killed their fuckin’ leader,” he scoffed. “It’s winter now,” Joel continued, “raiders will have got to them by now, you know that as well as I do.” 

He wasn’t wrong.  

Juliet felt the weight of his words land on her shoulders. 

“Danny,” she murmured, as the plan began to solidify in her mind, “Danny will know.”

“Who the fuck is Danny?” Joel demanded, tilting her chin up with his fingers until Juliet met his eyes. 

She swallowed. “He owned the bar,” Juliet clarified, “Ethan said he helped you both get me out.” 

Joel’s jaw shifted and his hand tightened on her arm, as though he was remembering that night in vivid detail. 

“What about him?” he said slowly. 

“He always said that he’d known me since I was a baby,” Juliet said lifelessly, “if anyone knows about my parents, it would be him.” 

Joel removed his hand from her arm to wipe it down his face as he groaned. 

“How’d you even know if he’s still alive?” he demanded, his voice hard and angry. 

“I don’t,” she whispered, blinking up at him. “But I have to go, I have to try.” 

He shook his head slowly.

“I can’t let you do this,” he decided.

Juliet stepped backwards, attempting to free herself from his grip, but he only tightened his hold on her.

“It’s not your choice, Joel,” she said quickly. 

“I’m not gonna let you get yourself killed,” he ground out, his eyes widening. 

Juliet flinched. 

“Don’t treat me like a child,” she whispered, repeating the words she said to him only hours ago, before they promised each other a future neither of them had the power to determine. 

“Don’t act like one,” Joel replied, standing taller. 

Juliet knew him well enough now. She knew that when Joel grew mean, it meant that he was frightened. 

But so was she. 

Juliet pulled herself from his grip, stepping backward until her legs hit the leather couch. 

Everything inside Juliet screamed to ask him to come with her. But she couldn’t. Joel had done too much for her already. She couldn’t ask this of him. 

Juliet had set her mind on this journey. She couldn’t live in Jackson and pretend that she didn’t know, pretend that the memory of Elijah wasn’t eating her up inside. 

Looking in his eyes, Juliet knew that Joel wasn’t going to let this go. Whether it be right or wrong, Joel would hold her down if it stopped her from putting her life in danger. 

He wanted to protect her, to keep her safe, even if it hurt her. 

Juliet squeezed her eyes shut when she remembered the look on his face that day outside her house, when he threw away everything they had built. Then she remembered, only hours ago, when he told her that he had done that for her, to protect her. 

She could do that too. 

That recklessness within Juliet was burning her alive from the inside. 

“I know about your daughter, Joel,” she said, forcing herself to look him in the eye, “Maria, told me.”

“Don’t,” he cautioned. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I know you’re scared to lose people, but I can do this. I can look after myself.” 

“Don’t say another word,” Joel warned with a quick shake of his head, eyes locked onto her.  

She shouldn’t have mentioned his daughter. She thought that if he were angry at her he might let her go, but her words seemed to have the opposite effect. 

“Joel -”

His hands curled into fists against his jeans.

“I meant what I said earlier,” he said forcefully, “I’m not lettin’ you go.” 

He reached up to rub his neck and for the first time all night Juliet realised how tired he looked. 

“It’s late,” Joel reminded her, “let’s go to bed. We’ll talk about this in the morning.”

From his tone, Juliet knew that his words were just to appease her. There would be no conversation in the morning. His mind was made up. 

‘Let’s go to bed’ 

Juliet almost teared up at the thought. 

She nodded and watched as Joel’s shoulders practically sagged with relief. 

He led her up the stairs with a gentle hand on the small of her back, not daring to let her walk behind him, lest she disappear. 

They lay on his bed, cushioned by his navy sheets and soft duvet. Juliet hadn’t realised how tired she was until her head hit the pillow and the crushing weight of the day fell onto her. 

She lay on her side, watching as Joel stared at the ceiling. 

Juliet ached to know what went through his mind in that moment. 

Just that morning, they had practically been strangers and now…

Juliet knew what she had to do. She couldn’t pretend she didn’t know; she couldn’t tuck that memory back in her mind and settle into life with Joel as though she had any idea who she was. 

No, Juliet had made up her mind. 

She only hoped that Joel would forgive her in the morning, when he found the space next to him empty. 

…………………………..

The winter sun pushed through the gaps in Joel’s curtains, spreading its rays across the room. 

Juliet rolled away from the window and swung an arm over her eyes, groaning. Then, like water had been poured over her, she sat up, suddenly reminded of where she was and what knowledge ran through her mind. 

Juliet’s breathing was heavy as she whipped her head to the side. Joel wasn’t there. 

Her feet hit the hardwood floor and she was up, speeding to the bedroom door as the fog of sleep still clung to the edges of her mind.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Juliet had meant to wake up at first light and sneak out without Joel realising, then head to the stables before the first patrol went out. 

She should have been gone by now. 

Her hand gripped the door handle and swung it open, then she was down the hall, swinging around the bannister as she raced down the stairs.

Fuck, she cursed herself. She’d missed her chance.

How could she be so stupid? To let herself sleep next to Joel, as though she’d ever be able to leave him like that?

When she reached the bottom of the stairs, Juliet stopped.

Stopped so suddenly that she had to reach for the bannister to stop herself from falling forward.

To her left, in the living room, sat Joel, on the couch, his elbows on his knees, bent almost in a prayer-like position. 

His head swung up when he noticed her. 

“Joel?” she breathed as her eyebrows furrowed.

“I don’t like it,” he said quickly as he straightened his back then lifted himself off the couch. 

Juliet’s eyes dropped down his body until she noticed the boots on his feet, wet with what looked like fresh snow.

She opened her mouth to voice her confusion but closed it just as fast when Joel drew closer. 

“It’s a bad idea,” he continued, standing in front of her now. 

Juliet’s stomach had dropped to her feet. What was he going to do? Block the door? Prevent her from ever leaving? 

“Joel, I know this -” 

“Shh,” he interrupted, raising his finger. 

“You goin’ out there alone, it’s not happenin’” Joel declared, his voice had a frightening edge to it. 

Juliet swallowed, then opened her mouth to protest. But Joel’s rough finger on her lips stopped her. 

“If you’re determined to do this,” he said with a shake of his head, “I know I can’t stop you.”

Juliet nearly stopped breathing.

“We do this together,” Joel vowed, brushing his finger over her lips, “and when we get back… that’s it, no more puttin’ our lives on the line, no more fuckin’ suicide missions.”

Despite the terror swirling around her heart, Juliet’s lips stretched into a small smile and Joel followed the movement with his careful touch. 

“Agreed,” she whispered, tilting her head down in a nod. 

Joel stared at her for a moment, his eyes roaming over her features, then he dropped his hand and turned around, reaching for something on the coffee table. 

It was his jacket. She’d left it at the mess hall the night before. 

“Found this,” he said quietly, turning to look out the window as though he were suddenly shy.

Juliet put the jacket on immediately. It still smelled like him. 

“Spoke to Tommy,” Joel revealed as he ran a hand over his face, “he’s not happy about it but he’ll let us go, said he’d spare a horse.” 

“That was nice of him,” Juliet said, stunned. 

Joel coughed out a laugh. “Yeah, well, it better be worth it.” 

Juliet‘s guilt began to creep in again, but she didn’t let it fester. This was what she wanted, she was finally going to get the closure she craved. 

Joel had turned around, heading over to the shelf in the living room where he kept some supplies. 

“Thank you,” Juliet breathed, watching closely as he stopped moving and turned to face her again.

“I told ya, not lettin’ you go again,” he replied, his voice rough. 

Despite everything that lay ahead of them, despite everything that raged in her mind… 

Juliet smiled.

________________________________

@amyispxnk @casa-boiardi @http-paprika @shotgun-shelby @weeping-werewolf @mysaviorjoelmiller @chlojoceycom

#joel miller #joel miller x female oc #joel miller x reader #joel miller x original character #joel miller x oc #joel miller fic #joel miller fanfic #joel miller angst #ao3 fanfic #joel miller hbo #pedro pascal #tlou #joel tlou #the last of us #tlou hbo #Spotify

[cinnamongorll]

hey!!! I’m SO sorry about the delay with the next chapter of A Fragile Line. It’s been a combination of being super busy and having some writer’s block 😭😭 But I just wanted to say that I’m working on chapter 30 and it’ll be up soon!! I haven’t forgotten about this fic I promise 💗💗💗💗

#joel miller #joel miller hbo #ao3 fanfic #joel miller angst #joel miller fanfic #joel miller fic #joel miller x female oc #joel miller x reader #joel miller x original character #joel miller x oc

[cinnamongorll]

Hey angel, do you know when we can expect to be blessed with the next chapter of a Fragile Line? I love it so much, thank you 💓

Hii!! Thanks so much for reading!

Unfortunately my job is really intense rn and I’m struggling to find time to write :(( I most likely won’t have a new chapter up for another couple weeks - sorry! 💗 I’ll make the next chapter worth the wait I promise xx

[cinnamongorll]

A Fragile Line is the best Joel/The Last of Us fic I've ever read! ❤️ Holy smokes! I ship Juliet and Joel so much!

thank you so much 😭😭💗

[cinnamongorll]

Somehow found your fic A Fragile Line and O.M.G it's incredible! I couldn't stop reading it! I cannot wait to see what happens with Joel and Juliet now that the air is sort of clear between them.

Ah thank u so much 😭😭 so happy you’re enjoying 💗💗💗

[cinnamongorll]

a fragile line - chapter 29

Read on ao3! (135k words) | previous chapter | next chapter | masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female OC

Series tags: extreme slow burn, age gap, older man/younger woman, protective joel, jealous joel, hurt/comfort, pov third person, mutual pining, angst, sexual tension, friends to lovers, canon-typical violence, feral joel, parental abuse, eventual smut.

Series synopsis: three years ago, Juliet escaped her father's religious survivor camp, ending up in the Boston QZ. Juliet created a life for herself in Boston, desperate to forget the trauma of her upbringing. One day, Juliet arrives home to find a mysterious letter which forces her to return to her home town. Juliet can't travel the harsh post-apocalyptic landscape alone, so she enlists the help of the grumpy and, at times, frightening man she works alongside: Joel Miller.

Word count: 10.7K

Chapter 29

Juliet's POV

One Month Later:

“But she lives right across from you”

“I know” 

“If you don’t do it, I’ll have to walk all the way over there and back… and it’s snowing! What if I hurt myself?” 

“That’s not the argument you want to make right now.” 

“Juliet, please.”

“Fine.”

“Excellent.” 

Charlotte smirked as she handed over the woven box filled to the brim with a variety of bottled herbal remedies. They rattled as Juliet took the weight in her arms and her scowl deepened . 

“Tell her these ones are to help with the vomiting,” Charlotte reached into the box and ran her fingertips over a couple glass rims, “and these are vitamins to help keep her strength up.”

Despite her mild annoyance, Juliet nodded and promised that she would relay the message to Maria. There really wasn’t much she wouldn’t do for Charlotte, even if delivering her remedies meant directly interacting with the town’s leader.

The ice between Juliet and Maria had never truly thawed from their first conversation almost two months ago now. They rarely saw each other, only subtle nods of acknowledgement across the street or quick conversations about patrol, and Juliet preferred it that way. 

Tommy, though, Juliet had grown quite fond of. He would always greet her with a smile on his face and some joke about her performance on patrol. Juliet would roll her eyes and demand to know how many times he would bring up that one time she fell off her horse. 

Maria announced her pregnancy only a couple weeks ago. Juliet tried to congratulate Tommy but his smile grew strained and his eyes darted away from her towards a hulking figure she chose to ignore. Juliet tried not to question it; she realised a while ago that she would never really understand the inner workings of the Miller brothers’ minds, so she stopped trying… and she didn’t bring up Maria’s pregnancy again. 

Now, thanks to Charlotte’s repulsion of cold weather and her never ending list of errands, Juliet was forced to face Maria and the stiff tension which lingered behind their every interaction.

“Thanks, by the way,” Charlotte said with a wink. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Juliet scoffed as she turned and headed towards the door. Charlotte beat her to it and pulled open the clinic door, shivering slightly as the cold air battled with the stifling heat of the fire. 

With a thin smile, Juliet tightened her hold on her box and stepped outside. It was snowing, just as Charlotte had predicted, and each flake added to the already solid sweeping of pure white which had painted Jackson for several weeks now. 

Juliet hunched her shoulders together to push the collar of Joel’s jacket higher on her neck and started walking down the porch steps, moving the box out of her line of sight to watch her feet on the slippery stairs. 

“See you tonight?” Charlotte called after her. 

Juliet paused and turned slowly. Charlotte stood with her arms crossed over her chest and her eyebrows raised. 

Tonight.

The dance. 

The dance that she couldn’t even pretend to have forgotten about, when every inch of Jackson was papered with handmade flyers advertising the big event. 

“Don’t even think about not goin,” Charlotte warned, standing straighter. “You promised me you’d go.”

Damnit, she had promised. 

“I’ll be there,” Juliet assured her, projecting some cheerfulness into her voice to ease the lines on Charlotte’s forehead. 

“Great!” Charlotte practically sang. “See you at 7?” 

Juliet nodded and forced a smile on her face. 

“You better head back in, you’ll catch a cold,” she cautioned evasively, looking Charlotte up and down. 

Her friend rolled her eyes. “You’re not gettin out of this, I’ll come and find you if you’re not there for 7.” 

Juliet knew she wasn’t kidding. 

“I know,” she laughed, then lifted two fingers off the box in a wave goodbye before Charlotte decided to pull out a pen and asked her to sign a contract declaring her attendance at the dance. 

“Oh! And don’t forget to look for those vhs tapes!” Charlotte called after Juliet as she began to make her way down the porch steps, heading out onto the street. 

Charlotte had been searching for a tape of some old movie she used to watch when she was younger, she was desperate to show it at a movie afternoon. ‘Pretty in Pink’ Juliet recalled.  Tommy was convinced that there was a box of tapes in Juliet’s house and so another task was thrust upon her. 

Juliet turned and nodded very dramatically at Charlotte. “First thing tomorrow, I promise!” she shouted back then sped up to avoid another request. The snow was getting heavier and Juliet secretly hoped that it would get so bad that they might have to cancel the dance. 

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to go… 

Okay, she just didn’t want to go. 

For many reasons… one being the confirmed attendance of the man she’d managed to avoid all contact with for the past month. 

She’d overheard Tommy mention the other day that he’d convinced Joel to come along and Juliet almost tripped over her own feet. 

The sharp bite of his rejection still burned, but the hole in her chest was starting to heal over. It was little things at first: like when she stopped waking up in the middle of the night looking for him, then when her first thought in the morning drifted to something other than him, and finally when she walked past his house and didn’t hasten her footsteps, Juliet knew that scar tissue was forming. 

But this all relied on not seeing him, because when she did… when Juliet caught sight of him in the stables or grabbing some food in the mess hall… she swore that she was back outside her house listening to him say those words and brush off everything they had built together. 

He made her feel like a little girl who’d gotten attached to someone she shouldn’t have. 

He made her feel stupid. 

He made her feel like every look and every touch between them meant nothing. 

And all of that rushed to the surface when she looked at his face. His hard, angry and devastatingly handsome face. 

Tonight, at the dance, she couldn’t avoid him. She’d have to look into those hollow eyes and pretend that he hadn’t meant the entire world to her only two months ago. 

Juliet blinked away the threat of tears and started walking quicker. 

Walking past the mess hall, Juliet watched a man on a ladder attempt to fix one of the broken twinkly lights on a large evergreen tree outside. 

It was a strange sight, the lengths Jackson’s residents went to to celebrate Christmas. 

Juliet had never known it to be a joyous occasion.  

With her father, Christmas had only ever been a sad, cold affair with stiff, awkward gatherings and blurred lines. 

There was no singing, no laughter, no trees, no lights. Her father’s community would instead join together for a reading in the community centre. Juliet would sit in the front row with her hands clasped on her lap, terrified to make even a single movement, lest she show that she wasn’t deserving of dinner. 

Christmas was the only time of the year her father drank. After their meal, he would ask for whatever alcohol they could spare to be passed around the men of the community and every woman would straighten their spines. 

Juliet tried her best to bury her memories of those Christmas nights, leaving behind only a murky recollection of one of her father’s men pushing her up against a wall and every muscle in her body stiffening. 

The feeling of hot, sweaty hands pushing her further into the wall, holding her steady as he nudged his face into her neck and his lips spread across her collarbone. Juliet always held her breath, hoping that maybe she’d pass out before his hands drifted further. 

Juliet tried to close her eyes, she always did, but the sight of her father watching them over the man’s shoulder was too vividly sickening to ignore.

Every year he allowed his men to have a taste of her… like she was a delicately wrapped present just waiting for their hungry hands to rip apart. 

But it was only ever a taste. 

When their fingers would drift lower and lower, starting to pull up her skirt, that’s when her father would walk over and place his strong hand on the man’s shoulder. Declaring his ownership. 

Christmas always left a bitter taste in her mouth. 

“Juliet?” 

Matt’s voice was drowned out by the piercing sound of glass bottles rattling against each other. Juliet gasped and blinked up at her patrol partner’s concerned face as he reached out to stabilise the box in her arms. 

“Shit, sorry I wasn’t looking where I was going,” Juliet stuttered. 

“Are you okay?” he asked with hunched eyebrows and a serious gaze.

Juliet looked down at her box and pulled it closer to her chest, then tilted her chin back up to meet Matt’s eyes.

“Yeah, I’m good!” she replied, injecting false cheer into her voice.

“But you’re crying?” Matt pointed out quietly as his hand gently curved around her damp cheek. 

“Oh,” she gasped, embarrassed, “must be the cold air.” 

Matt gave her a look that said he didn’t even remotely believe her but he knew her well enough not to push the issue. Juliet knew what she looked like in that moment: red rimmed eyes and a haunted expression. 

With one last swipe of his thumb under her eyes, Matt removed his hand and brought it slowly back to his side. 

“Where you going with all that?” he asked, pointing to the filled box in her arms.

“It’s for Maria, Charlotte asked me to - ” she paused as a cold shiver rippled across her back.

For a second, Juliet felt the sharp awareness of a gun trained on her and her body instantly stiffened.

But it wasn’t a gun, it was worse.

Joel stood on the porch of the mess hall, his large leather jacket hanging over one shoulder as though he was putting it on but stopped suddenly. He was still, so still that Juliet wondered if time had stopped. 

Her eyes washed over him despite her brain screaming at her to look away, but it was impossible when his dark eyes were focused on her like the sharp gaze of a hunter. 

Slowly, his eyes moved to the man beside her and Juliet watched as his fists curled and his jaw moved before he sharply looked away.

The second his eyes left her Juliet inhaled a deep breath and quickly returned her gaze to Matt, who stood looking down at her with confusion written all over his face.

“Sorry,” she coughed, “these are for Maria, I’m just heading over there now,” Juliet explained, lifting the box and cringing as the bottles rattled again. 

Matt watched her curiously for another second before his signature smile donned his face again.

“I’ll walk with you,” he decided and reached down to take the box out of Juliet’s hand, tucking it beneath one arm and pivoted to hover his other hand on the small of Juliet’s back.

Juliet didn’t look at the mess hall as they walked passed, not even when he felt that dangerous awareness spread over the back of her neck. She just focused on the crunch of snow beneath her feet and watched the clouds of breath hang in the air in front of them. 

Their conversation was easy, as it always was. 

Matt would recognise when Juliet’s mind drifted elsewhere and he would fill the space with chatter about his big plans for the week. And that day, the topic on his mind was the dance.

Juliet tried not to roll her eyes.

“So, are you coming?” he asked with a smirk. 

Juliet shot him a dark look. “I think Charlotte would have many creative ways of murdering me if I didn’t show up,” she explained. 

Matt’s laugh was warm and playful. “I wouldn’t put it past her.” 

Juliet’s mouth cracked a smile. 

They walked in silence for a while until they reached the turn off towards her street. Matt stopped in front of her and carefully passed the box back into Juliet’s arms.

“Save me a dance?” he asked with raised eyebrows. 

Juliet laughed. “Sure.”

Matt ran a hand through his hair and stepped backwards. “Don’t sound too excited, Jules,” he said with a wink, and then he was gone, heading in the other direction with his hands in his pockets. 

Juliet let out a slow breath and closed her eyes. Matt’s presence was a welcome distraction but the memory of her father lay steady on her shoulders, weighing her down. 

He was never far from her mind, even on her good days. Charlotte spoke to her about ‘closure’,  allowing herself to face what her father did to her and move past it. But that sounded like a child’s fantasy, as if she could actually ever rid herself from his memory. As if she could ever untangle herself from him. 

His initials were burned into her skin but his ghost had sunk deeper into her bones, burrowing himself there and haunting her every movement. 

Closure was a privilege not offered to her. 

She’d had enough conversations with Charlotte to recognise that he was her abuser, although Juliet still struggled to voice the term. 

He was her father, part of her DNA. How could she ever truly rid herself of him? 

Juliet had tried taking herself back to that final night in the basement before Joel had found her. She thought if she allowed herself to remember everything that had happened she might be able to work through it and rid herself of some of fear eating away at her, but there were still gaps in her memory; large stretches of blackness behind her eyes where more horrors were hidden.

So, no, she wasn’t excited for the dance, or Christmas, or anything really. 

Juliet was still drowning beneath the memory of her father and her only lifeline had abandoned her. 

……………………………….

Charlotte’s box of remedies sat on Maria’s porch as Juliet knocked on the door for the third time. 

Her knuckles struck the wood but there was still no answer. 

She glanced behind her then her gaze dropped to the handle and the impulsive, impatient part of Juliet reached for the metal knob and turned.

It opened. 

Juliet paused, unsure what to do. Maybe Maria was sleeping or just hadn’t heard the door… maybe she should sit in the box in the house then leave. 

Juliet bent and lifted the box into her arms again and stepped into the house. It was almost an exact replica of the layout of her and Ethan’s and her feet took her into the living room before she could stop herself. A part of her was curious about how the town’s leader lived. 

The room was well decorated with soft throws over the couches and trinkets on almost every surface. Juliet kept walking, slowly taking in all of the details around her. 

After a moment, she spotted what looked like a small chalkboard over the fireplace and her curiosity took her there immediately. There, written on the black surface were two names:

Kevin 4/3/00 - 9/29/03

Sarah 7/20/89 - 9/27/03

A sinking feeling settled in Juliet’s gut. 

They must be Maria’s kids… Joel had never mentioned being an uncle.

God, they were so young when they died. Juliet couldn’t even imagine the trauma that would leave on a person, what might happen to their perception of this already very dark world. 

“Juliet?” 

Her head whipped around to find Maria standing in the entrance to the kitchen, gripping a pair of scissors tightly in her hands. 

“Sorry, the door was open…” Juliet trailed off, realising now how strange it was that she just walked right in. 

Maria raised her eyebrows. “What’s this?” she asked, using the scissors to point towards the box in Juliet’s arms. 

“Remedies,” she answered quickly, “from Charlotte.” 

Maria’s face instantly softened and she tucked her scissors into her back pocket. 

“Thanks,” she murmured as Juliet passed the box to her and relayed Charlotte’s message. 

Once the box had left her hands, Juliet stepped backwards, feeling the awkwardness that lay thick between them. It was obvious Maria felt the same. 

“Well, I better get going,” Juliet said quietly, already turning towards the door. 

“Wait.” 

She stopped, tilting her head back around to the town’s leader. Maria looked her up and down. 

“Who’s been cutting your hair?” she asked while adjusting the box in her arms. 

Juliet’s eyebrows furrowed and her chin dipped to look at her dark brown hair falling several inches below her breasts. 

“No one,” she replied, sounding more like a question, as she self-consciously tugged on the ends of her hair. 

A smile approached the corner of Maria’s mouth before she placed the box on the coffee table and pulled the scissors from her pocket, waving them slightly. 

“No,” Juliet argued, “I couldn’t ask you - “

“It’s no problem,” Maria replied in that hard, matter of fact tone of her’s. 

Before Juliet could reply, Maria had already turned and walked into the kitchen. 

Juliet didn’t really have an option but to follow.

………………………….

Maria’s kitchen was a lot nicer than her and Ethan’s. 

Juliet sat on a wooden chair with a towel draped over her shoulders, flinching as Maria sprayed her hair with water. 

“Just a trim or are you looking for a chop?” Maria asked suddenly, startling Juliet who had gotten used to the silence between them. 

She wasn’t sure what to say. She wasn’t even sure when the last time she had her hair cut was. It must have been when she had first arrived in the QZ when Juliet’s hair was so coated in blood and dirt that she ended up taking her blunt knife to it. 

Maria’s scissors looked a lot sharper. 

Juliet thought about her question and about everything that she’d been through since that last haircut. 

Her hair had grown as she worked those years with Joel, and longer as she travelled the country with him. Now all she had to show for it was the length of her dark brown waves…

Juliet didn’t want to carry that weight anymore. 

“A chop,” she answered finally. 

Maria’s surprisingly skilled fingers began to separate parts of her length and when the first inch of hair fell to the floor next to her feet, Juliet breathed a sigh of relief. 

After another few inches hit the floor, Maria broke the silence:

“You were looking at the memorial Tommy made?” she asked. 

Juliet stilled the nervous tapping of her foot and swallowed awkwardly. 

“I’m really sorry about your kids,” Juliet murmured as she wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans, feeling her heart grow heavy for the woman who stood behind her.

“It’s okay,” Maria replied, in her usual even tone, “and kid… just Kevin.” 

Another apology almost slid from Juliet’s mouth but her confusion held her tongue. She hadn’t realised that Tommy was once a father -

“Sarah was Joel’s daughter.” 

Juliet’s breath caught in her throat. 

Joel had a child? A child who died? 

Every interaction they’d ever had, every cold word from his mouth, and every sad look in his eyes flew through Juliet’s mind. Her heart had dropped to her stomach and a cold chill ran down her spine. 

She wasn’t sure how to process this information.

He never said anything. Never even hinted at the loss he’d suffered. But as the realisation washed over her, Juliet realised that he had. It was written all over his face; in the hard line between his eyebrows; in the deep grooves around his mouth, echoing a memory of a time when laughter came easily to him. 

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything…” Maria said hesitantly. 

“No,” Juliet heard herself say, “thanks for telling me.” 

Her heart ached for Joel and there was nowhere to put the feelings inside her chest. She couldn’t go to him, she couldn’t talk to him about it. 

Juliet was left to reevaluate everything she knew about Joel as inches upon inches of her hair continued to fall on the floor around her feet.

…………………..

Juliet’s steps were sudden and heavy as she ran up the stairs to her bedroom. It was strange, she thought, not feeling the weight of the last few years swinging around her face. 

Juliet’s hair now fell just below her shoulders and she wasn’t sure how to feel about it. When she reached her room, she headed straight for the floor length mirror balancing on the wall near her window. Her chin tilted upwards as she admired the way her hair moved.

This was a good thing, she decided. A new start. 

Maybe, when she went for her next haircut, there wouldn’t be as much baggage to remove. 

Her heartbeat quickened as she turned towards her very vacant closet, remembering the dance that rapidly approached and her complete lack of an outfit. 

Juliet had been at Maria’s longer than she realised, and the sky was fading into a worrying dark blue as the minutes ticked by. 

Her fingers flicked between the hangers in her closet but her mind was elsewhere. 

Joel had lost his daughter. 

She couldn’t even imagine the pain.

Her grief for her father was a dark, guilt drenched lump in her throat that choked her whenever her mind drifted his way. 

Her grief wasn’t a byproduct of her love for him; it was an aftermath of her fear. 

Juliet didn’t miss her father. She was still afraid of him. 

But Juliet knew that Joel’s grief was different. It made sense now, why his protective instincts ran so deep, and why his eyes were black wells of sorrow and remorse. 

Joel’s grief for his daughter was a smouldering fire. It burned hot and, though its flames dwindled, it never went out. 

It made sense, that Joel had lost someone.

This whole time, when she witnessed the haunted look in his eyes, Juliet had assumed it was Tess. Maybe Joel regretted letting her go, maybe there was another woman who he still felt the loss of.

But it was deeper than that. 

Maria’s reveal was the final piece in the very complicated puzzle of Joel Miller. 

Joel was dark and messy and haunted. And, finally, Juliet understood why. 

Juliet unhooked a hanger from her wardrobe. On it was the only dress in her possession, one gifted to her from Charlotte. 

It was long, falling below her knees, and it hugged her body in a way that made Juliet’s cheeks flush. The straps were thin, barely holding the dress up. 

But the best part, in Juliet’s opinion, was the colour. It was a combination of various shades of dark red, all merged together.

It was perfect. 

Juliet slipped the dress on and walked back over to her mirror, reaching to tuck her shortened hair behind her ears.

She barely recognised herself, and the thought was a welcome one. 

The sky was black, and Juliet knew it was time to go. Charlotte’s threats were not to be taken lightly. 

Her steps down the stairs were softer, nervous even.

He would be there. At the dance. 

The hairs on her bare arms raised at the thought of Joel’s eyes finding her in this dress. Then she blinked suddenly, erasing the image in her mind.

No. Joel had hurt her. She couldn’t think of him that way anymore. 

Juliet shook her head and reached for her boots, lacing them up as she sat on the bottom step. 

Juliet’s feelings towards Joel were so tangled up, it was becoming impossible to unravel them all. And, now, finding out something so devastating about him just added another thread to the mess. 

She stood and walked towards the front door, where her jacket hung from a hook. Its dark green canvas material still smelled like him. Juliet had to stop herself from lifting it to her nose. 

It was worrying her that the thought of seeing Joel brought with it the feeling of butterflies in her stomach. Or were they moths? Churning around in the memory of the way Joel had once made her feel. 

As Juliet put her arms through the sleeves, and savoured the warmth it brought, she realised that slowly her anger towards Joel had begun to fade. 

He didn’t want her, and that hurt. But the bitterness within her had lessened. 

In its place, were recurring waves of sadness and disappointment. 

Joel didn’t want her, and it hurt; it left that deep, dark hole in her chest surrounded by a graveyard of misguided expectations. 

Joel didn’t want her. But she was still here. She was still surviving. 

Juliet would repeat those words at the dance, reminding herself that Joel didn’t have space in his haunted heart for her. And she would have to let him go. 

………………………………

The door creaked when she entered, but no one heard.

The mess hall had been entirely transformed. The seats were pushed to the side to make room for couples to dance. There were even more twinkly lights than usual, covering every wall. Candles covered every surface, and a band was set up on a makeshift stage, playing an upbeat song. 

Juliet let the door close behind her as she stood in awe, watching as people laughed and twirled and drank. 

“You made it,” Ethan beamed beside her, pulling Juliet in for a hug. 

Juliet circled her arms around Ehtan’s back, breathing a sigh of relief at his warm familiarity. 

“You’re okay,” he whispered in her ear and then pecked a kiss on her cheek before he let go, straightening his back and looking down at her. 

Juliet nodded, and a real smile started to twitch at the corners of her mouth. 

“Charlotte will be glad to see you, she almost had a search party out,” Ethan said teasingly, crossing his arms and raising his eyebrows.

Juliet scoffed. “I’m like two minutes late.” 

Ethan laughed and lifted his eyes, nodding as another person approached.

“Your jacket, miss?” Matt requested in what Juliet had been told was a french accent, a very bad version of it she assumed, and raised his arm, waiting. 

Juliet’s eyes hit the ceiling as she shrugged off her coat and placed it in Matt’s arms. She felt her cheeks warm as the cold hit her bare arms but she straightened her back and tilted her chin up, making an effort to not be embarrassed. 

Matt blew out a low whistle as he tugged her jacket under his arm. 

“You cut your hair,” Ethan breathed, lifting a hand to tug at the chopped length.

“Yeah,” she replied, darting her eyes between her two friends, “just felt like a change.” 

“You look beautiful,” Matt said roughly after a long moment. 

Ethan cut Matt a sharp look and tilted his head towards the sea of people gathered around the tables. “Come on,” he urged. 

Juliet looked up at Matt who gave her a wink and a teasing smile, then settled his free hand on the small of her back and led her through the crowd of people. 

“You’re here!” Charlotte screamed into Juliet’s ear as she pulled her in for a hug. “Your hair! And that dress! I was right, it looks amazing on you.”

Juliet felt her cheeks redden even more and she pulled back from the hug, allowing her eyes to drift down Charlotte’s outfit. 

“You look gorgeous,” she told her friend earnestly. 

Soon, the four of them settled down at a table with drinks in their hands. Juliet winced slightly as she tipped the whiskey to her lips and felt it burn as it went down her throat. It wasn’t the taste that bothered her, more the memory of it. 

Juliet couldn’t help it, after a moment she began to drift away from the conversation as her eyes searched for familiar broad shoulders and grey speckled brown hair. 

She convinced herself she wasn’t disappointed when there was no sign of him. It was a relief she felt, of course. 

Juliet’s focus returned to the table just in time for Matt to share another embarrassing patrol story. 

“I told her not to go in, but she did it anyway,” Matt explained, raising his hands as his mouth stretched further to accommodate his beaming smile. 

Juliet covered her mouth as Charlotte and Ethan’s eyes swung her way. 

“Admit it,” she demanded, turning back to face Matt, “you were just scared.” 

He barked out a laugh and took another long sip of his whiskey. “If that’s true, what about that -”

Matt was cut off by Charlotte’s excited scream. 

“I love this song!” she screeched, reaching for Ethan’s hand and dragging him to his feet, “we have to go dance.” 

Charlotte led Ethan to the dancefloor, and Juliet watched as their fingers quietly interlaced in the space between them. 

When her gaze returned to Matt, he was looking at her with a curious expression but chose not to voice his thoughts. 

If Charlotte and Ethan had something between them, Juliet was happy for them. She left her feelings for Ethan behind a long time ago, and their friendship had transformed over the last couple months; becoming more mature and grounded on something other than their mutual fear. 

“Wanna join them?” Matt asked, nudging his head in the direction of the couples dancing. 

Juliet was ready to shake her head but the look in his eyes was so hopeful that she couldn’t bring herself to say no. 

Instead, Juliet reached for her glass and swallowed the remainder of whiskey, then nodded sharply and rose from her seat. 

Matt laughed in response, reaching suddenly for her hand as they made their way to the floor. The music had settled slightly, it was smoother, slower and she watched as the couples around them began to sway. 

Matt looked down at her, sweeping his gaze all the way down her dress and back up to meet her eyes. Then his hand wrapped around her middle and his fingers spread out across her back. In one sudden movement, he pushed and their chests were flush and his other hand was entwined with her own. 

Juliet’s heart started to race. This was unexpected, she hadn’t been this close to someone since…

Thankfully, the alcohol drowned out most of her nerves and Juliet pushed away all traitorous. 

As they moved to the music, Juliet’s chin tipped up to admire the lights hanging above them. They looked like stars falling above their heads, and Juliet noticed the small reflections in Matt’s eyes. 

Matt’s warm expression quickly shifted as his eyes latched onto something behind her, his eyebrows began to furrow and he tightened the hold on her hand. Then slowly, he bent to whisper in her ear.

“What’s got into him?” he murmured. 

Juliet knew who it was before she turned her head. There was that awareness on the back of her neck again, warning her that something dangerous, someone dangerous, was watching her.

Still, her head swung with such speed her hair whipped around her. 

There, leaning against the bar, was Joel. 

The first thing Juliet noticed was his green shirt, and the few buttons open at the top. 

The second thing she noticed was the murderous intention in his eyes.

He watched her like a serial killer stalking his next victim. His eyes didn’t stray from her face, not even as Matt tapped her cheek to pull her attention back to him. 

Juliet was caught. 

And the wound in her chest poured open again.

If he didn’t care, if he didn’t want to be with her… Why look at her that way? Why demand her attention? 

“Juliet? Are you okay?” Matt asked, concern seeping into his voice.

“Yes,” she answered quickly, finally pulling her attention away from the man who was still watching her. 

“Yeah I have no idea what’s up with him,” she laughed nervously, settling her hand back into Matt’s. 

Matt looked back over at Joel then down at Juliet. “He looks like he’s gonna kill someone,” Matt said with a shocked laugh. 

Juliet’s responding giggle was a little too high to be believable. But, again, Matt was too nice to ask her about it. 

As the next song played, and they continued to dance, Juliet struggled to ignore Joel’s presence.

And she felt that anger start to churn in her gut again. 

“Sorry, I’ll just be a minute,” Juliet apologised to Matt in a voice that sounded very far away, unlatching their fingers as she began to march across the dancefloor to the man simmering at the bar. 

 Her footsteps faltered as she approached him, but Juliet kept her chin up, urging herself not to be intimidated by the rage in his eyes or the way he towered over her.

Within seconds Juliet stood in front of Joel Miller for the first time in a month.

She underestimated how much it would hurt.

His black eyes scanned every inch of her face with a feverish intensity. Juliet knew she had to say something before she lost her resolve.

She licked her lips and ignored the way Joel’s eyes followed her movement. 

“Is there a problem?” she demanded. 

Joel took a deep breath and the scowl on his face deepened as he crossed his arms over his chest. Juliet also ignored the way the material of his shirt stretched to accommodate the size of his biceps. 

“You cut your hair,” he said roughly, ignoring her question. 

Juliet’s fingers instantly reached to touch the blunt ends of her hair. 

“Is that why you’ve been staring at me?” she questioned, dropping her hand back to rest against her leg. 

Joel’s jaw shifted. “What are you doin’ with him?” he ground out, looking behind her before his eyes returned to her face. 

“Who? Matt?” she asked, confused. 

The smallest tilt of Joel’s was confirmation enough. 

“He’s my friend,” Juliet answered defensively, straightening her spine. 

Joel scoffed and reached a hand up to rub his jaw. 

“If that’s what you wanna call him,” he murmured under his breath as corners of his mouth curved into a sick smile.  

Rage shot through her, hot and fast. 

“What is it to you?” Juliet fumed. 

Joel’s expression hardened. 

“You need to be careful,” he warned, darkening his tone.

Juliet felt like she’d been slapped. Every interaction she’d had with Joel over the past two months had been strange, cryptic and insulting… and she was so sick of it. 

“Of what?,” she demanded, raising her hands in the hair, “of Matt?”

Joel said nothing; his silence was his answer. 

“Why?” Juliet urged, “because he might hurt me?” 

Her mouth took on a snarl. 

“I think I know who I should be careful of, Joel,” she seethed, breathlessly, “I think I know who might want to hurt me.”

Joel’s stone face flinched. 

Juliet stepped back, breathing heavy. She didn’t have anything left to say to him. 

It didn’t have to be like this between them. If Joel didn’t want her, they could have remained friends. But why did he have to keep pulling her back in, giving her signs that he might still feel something for her, only to stab her in the heart with his cruel comments time and time again? 

The music finally reached her ears again and Juliet wiped the tear from her cheek, moving to turn and return to her friend on the dancefloor and try to salvage the evening. 

But before she could take a step away from him, Joel’s strong fingers wrapped around her wrist, stilling all movements. 

Her face was turned away from him and she didn’t dare attempt to meet his eyes. So, Joel stepped forward until his front was flush with her back and dipped his head until his lips met her ear.

Juliet shivered as though the cold from outside had pushed through the walls. 

“Juliet,” he murmured against the shell of her ear. 

Her eyes closed as another tear leaked out. 

“I was wrong,” Joel whispered and every cell in Juliet’s body set alight. 

She gasped, waiting for him to say more… 

“Juliet, is everything okay here?” Matt’s voice was like a bucket of cold water thrown over her head. She wrenched away from Joel, pulling her arm free from him. 

“Everything’s fine,” she assured him, hoping he hadn’t noticed the crack in her voice.

Matt looked between them, unconvinced. 

Juliet reached for her friend’s hand, pointedly ignoring the feeling of Joel’s eyes on the back of her head. 

“I think Charlotte’s waving us over,” Juliet said quickly, pulling him in the direction of the dancefloor. 

The distance between her and Joel did nothing to slow her heartbeat or erase the sound of his words from her mind. 

“What was that about?” Matt asked when they finally stopped in the middle of the crowded floor. 

“Nothing,” she replied. Then before he could ask anymore questions, Juliet pulled him close and started moving to the music.

After a moment, Matt’s muscles relaxed and a smile returned to his face.

Juliet tried not to, but she turned and caught sight of Joel at the bar. He had one empty whiskey glass in front of him, and another one at his lips. 

She flinched as she heard that second glass hit the wooden surface of the bar with the force of Joel’s hand. 

…………………………

Hours later, the world had grown a little blurry. 

The four of them were back at the table, laughing over some joke that wouldn’t have been funny in the light of day. Juliet’s arm was slung over Charlotte’s shoulders as they watched Matt and Ethan arm wrestle. 

Juliet had drunk enough to dull the memory of Joel’s lips against her ear, and she had managed to continue the evening as normal, as though Joel hadn’t reignited some hope in her chest that was bound to cause her even more misery. 

The lights looked brighter overhead somehow, and Juliet’s chin kept tilting up to watch them flicker. 

In the corner of the hall, she heard a christmas carol being sung by a group of drunk men. For a quick second, the memory of Christmas with her father almost pulled her under… but then she looked in front of her, and watched as her friends began to join in. Their voices were loud and frighteningly out of tune, but they were joyful and they weren’t frightened. They were happy. 

Slowly, Juliet's quiet voice blended with theirs and a similar smile approached her face. She pulled Charlotte closer, and felt a strange rush of comfort flow through her. Maybe this was what it was like to have a family. 

When the song ended, everyone clapped and laughter rang throughout the hall. Juliet sat back against her seat with a true smile on her face.

Out of the corner of her eye, Juliet noticed Matt shift his chair closer to her and she felt his fingers brush across her hair. 

“You havin’ a good time?” he whispered in her ear.

Juliet turned to face him and their cheeks almost touched. Her breath caught in her throat. 

“Yeah, are you?” she choked out. 

He nodded against her hair, then he pulled back and gestured towards her empty glass. 

“Want another drink?” Matt asked. 

Juliet probably should have said no, she’d had more than enough. But looking around, it very much seemed like the night was still young. So, she smiled up at Matt and nodded. 

Matt winked back at her and told her he’d just be a minute as he lifted their empty glasses and left the table. 

Juliet leaned back in her chair and adjusted the straps of her dress, suddenly feeling a bit nervous. 

It wasn’t supposed to be like this between her and Matt. He’d always been flirty, yes, but Juliet had assumed it was just his personality. 

But under the christmas lights and the influence of alcohol, Juliet didn’t mind his casual touch and whispered words. 

Moments later, a woman’s scream cut through her thoughts.

Juliet’s head whipped around, and her view of the world tilted slightly. Her eyesight was diluted and she struggled to see what had caused a crowd to gather around the bar.

Juliet stood on shaky legs, readying herself to grab Charlotte and Ethan and run. 

Just as she turned to shout an order, Juliet spotted Tommy hauling someone away from the bar. 

It was Joel. 

His hair was drenched in sweat, and his curls were plastered to his head. Juliet’s mouth gaped in shock and she started moving, pushing through the crowd of people, desperate to see what had happened. 

But the blood on Joel’s knuckles told her more than enough. 

Matt crouched on the floor beside the bar with blood flooding from his nose. A woman passed him a towel and he held it to his face as his eyes closed in pain. 

Juliet’s ears were ringing in that high pitched sound. 

She should have crouched down with Matt, helped him clear the blood from his face, asked him what happened, and comforted him the best she could. 

But she didn’t. 

She couldn’t. 

Juliet turned before Matt caught sight of her in the crowd and she pushed against more people until she reached the exit of the mess hall, where Tommy had just dragged Joel seconds earlier. 

She didn’t even hear the sound of the door slamming against the wall as she kicked it open. The skin on her arms pebbled as soon as she stepped outside into the cold, but Juliet couldn’t feel it. 

Her head turned to find Joel slammed against the wall with Tommy’s hand on his chest. 

“Joel” Juliet shouted as she marched towards him. She didn’t even recognise her own voice. 

“Juliet?” 

Her name fell from Tommy’s lips and Joel’s eyes locked onto her. 

“Go back inside, I’ll be in in a second,” Tommy urged her, using his most commanding voice. 

Juliet could see the fear and worry in his eyes. Tommy loved his brother but knew that he couldn’t protect him from himself. 

“No,” she said loudly, “I need to speak with him.”

“Juliet this isn’t a good idea -”

“I’m not gonna hurt her,” Joel growled as he pushed against his brother. 

Tommy looked between them both. “You have two minutes.”

As soon as the door shut, Juliet launched herself at Joel. 

Her hands planted firmly on his shoulders and she pushed hard, backing him further into the wall behind him. 

The way his head rolled and the stink of his breath as it hit her nose told her that he was as drunk as her, drunker probably. 

“What the fuck was that?” she sneered. Juliet was breathless, fueled entirely by her own shock, confusion and anger. 

Joel said nothing, just started down at her with half open eyes. 

Juliet pushed him again, hard enough to hear a groan release from his lips. 

“Why would you do that!? He’s my friend, my patrol partner,” she demanded, the words spilling from her mouth in a breathless rush. “Why would you want to hurt him?” 

Joel straightened against the wall and Juliet’s hands fell to rest against his chest. The movement of her arms mirrored each breath he took. 

“He can’t protect you,” Joel murmured, tilting his chin down to meet her eyes. 

“What?” Juliet breathed. 

“On patrol,” he clarified, “he can’t protect you.” 

Juliet pulled back to search Joel’s face. Maybe this was some elaborate joke. She certainly felt like laughing.

But the look in his eyes told her that he was serious. And that just made her blood boil.

“I don’t need to be fucking protected Joel, don’t give me that,” she argued. 

Joel ground his jaw. His eyes were black holes, and Juliet couldn’t see what lurked in them. 

“Are you jealous?” Juliet whispered, terrified to even say the words. 

Joel pushed against her until Juliet was forced to take a step back. 

“Not fuckin’ jealous,” he seethed, then scoffed like it was a joke. “You’ve no idea what you’re talkin’ about.” 

Juliet flinched. 

“Then make me understand,” she begged, “because I can’t make sense of it anymore.”

Juliet paused, inhaling a deep breath and running a hand through her hair. 

“You don’t want to be with me,” she started, “I can understand that, that makes sense to me.” 

Her voice cracked and her eyes filled with tears, but she kept going.

“But why won’t you just leave me alone? You keep haunting me Joel, I can’t escape you,” Juliet sobbed, using her trembling hand to wipe her nose. 

Joel was silent, his face was wiped clean of any emotion. 

“Now you’re punching my patrol partner? What makes you think -”

Juliet’s words caught in her throat as Joel’s hands gripped her shoulders and spun her around, pushing her against the same wall he was up against only seconds earlier.

He planted his hands against the wall on either side of her head, crowding her with his body. 

“You wanna know why?” he murmured. Joel’s face was so close his breath warmed her cheeks. 

She couldn’t help herself, Juliet’s chin dipped in a nod almost instantly. 

“Because if it came down to it and a fuckin’ clicker was backin’ you up against a wall like this,” Joel pushed his chest against hers and Juliet gasped, “he would save himself, he wouldn’t save you.” 

Juliet’s mouth opened and closed but no words came out. Joel’s breathing had grown heavier and his hands curled into fists against the wall. 

“And you would?” Juliet asked, her voice barely above a whisper. 

Joel let out a humourless laugh and moved one of his hands to cup her cheek. Juliet was always surprised by how gentle his touch could be. 

“I’d let myself die to save you,” he vowed roughly, then shook his head slightly and moved his thumb against her cheek, “and I’d let other people die too if it ensured your safety.”

“He couldn’t say the same,” Joel finished in a low voice, his voice a growl against her skin. 

Juliet’s heartbeat roared in her ears. 

“What -” Juliet started, pausing to catch her breath, “what did you mean earlier? What were you wrong about?” 

Joel’s pupils flared and he swallowed rough. 

Juliet watched what looked like a thousand emotions pass through his eyes, and she held her breath, waiting desperately for his answer. 

“I was wrong to think I could stay away from you,” Joel explained in a voice like gravel. 

Juliet swore her heart stopped. 

Joel’s head dipped until his forehead pressed against her own. “I thought I could let you go,” he continued, “I thought it’d be better for you.” 

So many questions lingered on her tongue, but Juliet stayed quiet. 

“I was wrong,” Joel stated. “I can’t stay away from you.” 

“And seein you go behind the fence and havin’ to stay behind, not knowin’ if you’re okay,” he paused, pulling back to search her eyes, “it’s killin’ me, not being near you.”

“Then don’t stay away,” Juliet urged, her voice desperate, “be with me.”

Joel’s thumb moved to her lips, tracing the edge of her mouth. 

Juliet had laid her heart out on the table. It was broken and scarred, but it could be his, if he wanted it to be. 

His head shook ever so slightly and Juliet began to tremble. 

“I want to, god I want to,” he murmured, staring intensely at her lips, “but I’m not good for you, baby.” 

“Stop,” Juliet said suddenly, pushing against him. 

“I’m not a child,” she nearly screamed, “I decide what’s good for me, not you.” 

“We live in a fucked up world, and I know how to survive it. So do you. I don’t need to be protected from it, and I definitely don’t need to be protected from you,” the words rushed from her and Juliet was sick of censoring herself. “These past couple months I’ve been so angry at you, so angry, because you’ve taken my choice away. You decided that we shouldn't be together. If I want to be with you then that is my decision.”

Juliet’s heart beat so fast she was sure Joel could hear it. 

He stood a couple steps away, looking down at her with his mouth agape. 

Then suddenly, he took a step forward, and another one, until their bodies were flush again and his hands were on either side of her face. 

“I’m too old for you,” he cautioned. 

“I don’t care,” Juliet responded quickly, holding her ground. 

“I’m not who I was. I’m too slow and I -” 

“I don’t care,” she repeated, firmer this time. 

His eyes had grown glossy and Juliet pushed her heart towards him again, wondering if he’d take it this time. 

“You have no idea what you do to me,” he nearly growled. 

“Show me,” she whispered, then held her breath. 

Joel’s mouth was on hers not even a second later. His hand curled around the back of her neck as he tilted her face up to meet his. 

Juliet responded instantly, gripping his shirt with her fingers, moaning into his open mouth, trembling under his touch.

“You’re mine,” he murmured against her skin when his lips moved to her neck. “Not lettin’ you go again,” Joel vowed. 

She pulled harder against his shirt, needing him closer. Joel must have felt the same because his hands slid down to her waist and his fingers curled against her, tugging at the fabric of her dress. 

“So goddamn beautiful,” he growled in her ear when his hands found the end of the dress and feverishly began to climb up her thigh. 

Joel’s lips suddenly wrenched from her skin when the door to the mess hall opened and a group of people spilled out, laughing and singing. 

Joel gripped Juliet’s arm and pulled her into a dark corner, away from the lights in the street. 

A bucket of cold water had been thrown over them, but Joel didn’t look regretful. He looked down at Juliet like he was seeing her for the first time. His eyes were warm and hopeful. 

A cold wind blew around them and Juliet shivered, rubbing her arms. 

“Where’s your jacket?” Joel demanded, instantly reaching to shelter her from the cold. 

“Inside,” she murmured against his chest. 

Joel groaned. “If I go back in there just now, think Tommy might just throw me out.” 

“Well, you did punch someone,” Juliet reminded him, and cringed as she remembered the look on Matt’s face. A fierce ball of guilt grew in her chest. 

Joel pulled back to give her a dark look, then he bent and tucked his arms under her legs, hauling her to his chest. 

“Hey!” she screeched.

“We better get you home then, before you freeze to death,” Joel deadpanned as he carried Juliet round the corner and onto the mainstreet, heading for their street. 

“This is completely unnecessary,” she argued, “I can walk.” 

Joel ignored her. Instead, choosing to tuck her closer to his chest. 

The lights that covered the mainstreet were gorgeous against the night sky, but Juliet couldn’t keep her eyes off Joel as he carried her all the way home, not even breaking a sweat. 

When her feet hit the ground, they were standing on her porch. Juliet looked up at him, disappointed that they weren’t at his. She didn’t even want to spend a night apart. 

“Don’t,” Joel whispered against the side of her head. “We’re gonna do this the right way.” 

Juliet rolled her eyes. “That’s not fair,” she groaned. 

“Get inside,” he ordered, “put a fire on, I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Juliet watched him for a second, hoping he’d change his mind and throw her over his shoulder and they could resume what started on his couch almost two months ago. 

But no, Joel was being serious. 

Before she could stop herself, Juliet stood on her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his lips. She felt his hands curl into fists by his side as he attempted to restrain himself from grabbing her. 

“Goodnight, Joel,” she whispered as she turned the handle to her house.

For the first time in a long time, Juliet left him without fear that it would be forever. 

……………………….

Her mind repeated her conversation with Joel as she unlaced her boots. With each movement of her fingers, Juliet’s smile grew. 

Joel wanted her. 

It wasn’t all in her head. 

Juliet climbed the stairs quickly, desperate to take off her dress and get into bed. As she lay in the dark she would replay every second of her kiss with Joel. 

But as soon as her foot hit the top step she remembered something. 

“Urghhhhh,” Juliet groaned as she dropped her head in her hands. 

She’d forgotten to look for Charlotte’s vhs tapes, and Juliet told her she’d have them to her in the morning. 

It was fine, Juliet knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. 

For the next hour, as the alcohol faded from her bloodstream, Juliet searched high and low for the box of tapes Tommy had sworn were in his house. Sweat dampened her forehead and Juliet was growing tired. But she couldn’t disappoint Charlotte. 

As she walked along the downstairs hallway, Juliet realised there was one place she hadn’t checked: the basement. 

Her feet paused outside the door. 

Juliet had yet to step foot in the basement of her new home, terrified that it might in some way resemble her father’s. 

Time seemed to slow as her eyes traced the pattern on the door handle, and her mind debated what to do. 

She could wait for Ethan to get home and ask him to check. He would do it, of course. 

But Juliet was sick of living with this fear all the time. She wanted what Charlotte had spoken about. She wanted closure. Maybe walking into this perfectly safe basement would grant her that. Maybe she’d realise that her father was truly gone and that she didn’t have to be afraid of these things anymore. 

Despite her best intentions, Juliet’s fingers still trembled as she reached for the handle. She paused before the door opened, breathing deep as she attempted to calm her racing heartbeat. 

If she wanted to move on with her life, she had to do this. 

She needed closure. She wanted closure. 

Juliet’s wrist turned and the door popped open, releasing a draft of cold air that settled on her skin. 

She shivered but fought against the chill. 

Juliet squared her shoulders and walked through the doorway. Her fingers felt against the wall for a lightswitch but she realised soon that there wasn’t one. 

She nearly turned back. 

But Juliet knew that she had to do this. 

She tried not to count the steps as she walked down them. This wasn’t her father’s basement, she didn’t need to do that anymore. 

When she reached the bottom step, Juliet took a deep breath, ignoring the dust that settled on her tongue. 

The light from the hallway upstairs allowed her to see somewhat okay, and Juliet felt confident moving forward towards the row of boxes against the back wall. 

Her fear settled with every step she took, and Juliet was beginning to realise that she had no reason to be afraid. Maybe she was doing better than she thought. 

Juliet hit the floor before she even realised what had happened. 

Her hands flew out to protect her face, but her knee burned as she hit the hard ground.  

She must have tripped on something. 

But Juliet wasn’t worried about that. 

Her fall had sent adrenaline flowing through her body and, as she lay on the cold concrete ground, Juliet swore she saw her father standing over her. 

“No,” she whispered as she covered her eyes with her hands. 

When she opened them again, she wasn’t lying on the ground anymore. Instead, she sat in a metal chair in the middle of the room as a roaring fire illuminated the snarl on her father’s face. 

Her arms and legs were strapped down, she couldn’t move. 

This was the night her father died, before he had branded her, before Joel and Ethan had found her. 

This was the part of that night her brain wouldn’t let her remember…

Until now. 

Juliet struggled against her restraints as the memory choked her. 

“The world is not safe, Juliet ,” her father whispered, just inches from her face. Her name dropped from his lips like a curse. “There are demons, yes. Those infected monsters, with their peeling faces and sharp teeth. But there is worse out there. Hunters, raiders who crawl the country, killing and gutting people with no remorse -” 

Elijah cut himself off with a heavy sigh, then his words became frenzied. “I kept you here, I kept you safe from that. I kept you safe because you are my property, you are mine to protect. And I will not lose another daughter to -” 

He stopped, letting go of her wrists immediately. The blood rushed back into them and Juliet began to feel her fingers again, but that relief was the furthest thing from her mind. 

Another daughter? 

Her father staggered back another few steps, he looked horrified. His mask slipped right off his face as he said those words, now he struggled to put it back on. He wiped a hand over his forehead and when he brought it back down, the horror was gone. He was seething, his whole body moved with the force of his brutal breaths. 

“What do you mean, another daughter?” Juliet whispered, but her voice sounded far away. 

Her father flinched. Juliet was unsure if what she was experiencing was real, or a dream. Maybe she passed out when he hit her, maybe this was all in her imagination. Because her father’s bravado had never faltered, and yet here he stood before her, visibly flinching at her words. 

Elijah started to pace in front of Juliet’s chair, his steps brisk and savage. Juliet’s mind was still clouded, so it took her a few seconds to realise he was mumbling to himself. 

Then he stopped, turning to face Juliet. He looked like he was arguing with himself, he was losing control, unravelling right in front of her. For the first time since she could remember, Juliet looked at her father and saw weakness staring back at her. 

“Your parents couldn’t protect you, sweet Juliet,” he began. His eyes had a detached look in them, like he wasn’t really standing in front of her. 

Juliet swore her heart stopped at his words.

“They didn’t have what it took to survive. They didn’t have the determination to keep you safe,” Elijah continued, raising his bible in the air as he spoke.

Nausea washed over her. 

“I saved you. I saved you from them . And then I spared them any more suffering.”

He paused to inhale a deep breath, as though his words were suffocating him. But he wasn’t finished. 

“You looked so much like her, with your brown eyes and curls. And your cry, when your parents hit the floor, God, it sounded so much like her’s.”

Juliet didn’t know how much more of this she could take, the nausea was overpowering her. 

“I knew at that moment that you were mine, that you were my second chance. I could take you in, protect you, make sure you were never taken from me. Never stolen away.”

The ringing in Juliet’s ears returned, and she leaned forward and vomited all over the floor. 

Juliet was shaking when she returned to her body, when the firm grip of her memory released her. Every inch of her body trembled. 

She lay on the ground staring at the ceiling, like she had done so many times in her father’s basement. 

But he wasn’t her father. Was he? 

Juliet couldn’t figure out if her mind was playing tricks on her, or had it been trying to protect her this whole time by shielding her from this memory.

He wasn’t her father, not truly. 

The man who had hit her, suffocated her, branded her, kept her locked up for days, weeks at a time… wasn’t actually her father. 

He had kidnapped her.

Juliet felt a similar nausea rise in her at that moment. 

Her real parents were dead. 

She began to crawl on her hands and knees towards the stairs, ignoring the blood trailing in her wake. Her knee wasn’t broken but the skin was burst. 

But Juliet felt no pain. Her mind was too consumed by its own horror. 

She had to get out of here. Juliet reached the stairs and, by some miracle, stumbled up them and closed the basement door. She leaned against it, ensuring it was closed and that nothing else down there could hurt her. 

Her body felt like it was shutting down.

Her whole life, Juliet had wondered if she was like her father. They shared blood, after all, how could they be different? She lay awake at night, terrified for the day she would become like him. 

She gasped out a choked sob when she realised that everything she knew was a lie. 

He was a madman, a psychopath. And she was his victim. 

Juliet slid down the door when her legs gave out on her. 

She’d had parents, real parents who might have loved her. Did other people know? In her father’s community surely people would have questioned him when he returned with an infant who he had no relation to. Wouldn’t they? 

Someone there had to know where she came from. Someone in her father’s community had to know the truth about her. 

Juliet’s mind was racing and her blood roared in her ears as she stood on trembling legs. 

She couldn’t stay here, in Jackson. Juliet needed closure, she craved it now. 

It was the only thought in her mind as she sped up the stairs and changed into the clothes she usually wore for patrol. Ten minutes later, her bag was packed and her boots were laced. 

Juliet thought of nothing but a hazy imaging of her parents. She flinched every time her father’s face entered her mind, gloating about the way he had killed them. 

She would go back there and find out who her parents had been and where she came from, then she would return with the closure she so desperately needed. Juliet would move on, she would be with Joel, everything would be okay. 

Some distant part of her brain screamed at her to slow down, to think things through, to sleep on it. Her muscles urged her to change her mind, to tell someone, to stop being so reckless. 

But how could she tell someone what raged in her mind? No one would understand. 

Juliet had just learned that she wasn’t actually destined to become her father’s daughter, she was never supposed to have been raised by him, never supposed to have been hurt by him. 

She had been stolen, her fate had been altered. 

And so she had to steal it back. 

………………………….

The streets were dead as she raced through them. Most of the town’s residents were still at the dance, leaving the path to the stables clear of any onlookers. 

Juliet kept her mind focused on her task. She couldn’t allow herself to think of anything else, anyone else. She would come back, she knew the way. 

The stables appeared before her quicker than she had expected but Juliet didn’t allow any fear to enter her body. She sprinted to her horse, apologising to her as she readied her for travel. 

Juliet could feel wet tears on her cheeks but she ignored them. 

Her horse was almost ready when she heard the stable doors open. 

Juliet kicked her bag out of sight and planted herself against the wall as she held her breath. 

Irritation pulsed through her. Every delay was another second where she didn’t know the truth about herself. 

Juliet gasped when a face appeared before her. 

A very angry face. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doin’?” he demanded, breathing heavy. 

“Joel,” Juliet whispered.

_______________________________

@amyispxnk @casa-boiardi @http-paprika @shotgun-shelby @weeping-werewolf @mysaviorjoelmiller @chlojoceycom

#joel miller #joel miller angst #joel miller x female oc #joel miller x reader #joel miller x original character #joel miller x oc #joel miller fic #ao3 fanfic #joel miller hbo #joel miller fanfic #pedro pascal #tlou #joel tlou #tlou fic #the last of us hbo #the last of us #joel the last of us #Spotify

[cinnamongorll]

just got through reading a fragile line. ITS SO GOOD OMG!!! you’re an amazing writer & rn i’m in my bed crying cus joel is doing my girl so dirty rn. AFTER EVERYTHING?! he let tommy get in his head 😭😭i can’t wait to see how you go about this next! thank you for sharing & thank you for absolutely ruining me!!

thank you so much 😭😭 this has made my day ❤️❤️ glad you’re enjoying the story and I promise that Joel will come to his senses very very soon!!!

[cinnamongorll]

a fragile line - chapter 28

read on ao3! (125k words) | previous chapter | next chapter | masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female OC

Series tags: extreme slow burn, age gap, older man/younger woman, protective joel, jealous joel, hurt/comfort, pov third person, mutual pining, angst, sexual tension, friends to lovers, canon-typical violence, feral joel, parental abuse, eventual smut.

Series synopsis: three years ago, Juliet escaped her father's religious survivor camp, ending up in the Boston QZ. Juliet created a life for herself in Boston, desperate to forget the trauma of her upbringing. One day, Juliet arrives home to find a mysterious letter which forces her to return to her home town. Juliet can't travel the harsh post-apocalyptic landscape alone, so she enlists the help of the grumpy and, at times, frightening man she works alongside: Joel Miller.

Word count: 7.5k

Chapter 28:

Juliet's POV:

3 weeks later...

Juliet’s bathroom mirror had a crack in it. 

The edges were jagged, creating a black slash across her face whenever she peered into it. Juliet ran her finger along the gap, allowing the razor edges to glide across her skin, as she examined the way her features split in half. 

The steam from the shower had begun to dull the mirror’s clarity, surrounding Juliet’s body in a strange fog. One thing the mirror had yet to dilute, however, was the burning red outline of her father’s possession. 

E.M. reflected back at her with precise clarity. 

Juliet didn’t flinch anymore when she saw it in the mirror; the reminder of her father and his burning hot poker had faded to a constant screaming in the back of her mind. 

The scar appeared to her now like a stain to be removed, one which she itched to run her hand over and erase. 

A sense of hollowness began to invade her bones as the shower’s steam gradually coated the glass, turning it opaque. Her father’s brand began to fade into a dull red glow and Juliet released a slow breath.

She turned and stepped under the stream of blazing water, which instantly scorched her skin and another sigh of relief eased from her parted lips. Recently, the burning of the water was the only thing Juliet truly allowed herself to feel. 

She tipped her head back under the water and ran her fingers through the soaked strands of her hair, tugging gently as she loosened some knots. For a moment, her own hands were replaced by rough fingers and a tight grip and she let go immediately. 

He lingered everywhere: in her hair, on her cheek, her lips, her thighs…

Joel was a stain she could never wash off, no matter how hard she tried. 

It had been three weeks of hiding her tears behind closed doors and gasping awake in the middle of the night reaching desperately for him and finding nothing but an empty mattress. 

On the darkest of those nights, Juliet imagined herself leaving her house, walking to Joel’s door and taking up the offer of his meaningless touch. Juliet imagined that just the feeling of his hands on her might ease the ache a little… but she knew it wouldn’t fix the fractures he’d left. 

Joel had split her open and all that was left was a scarred girl with no one to pull her back together. 

She turned the shower off and stepped onto the bathmat. Juliet’s body began to shiver as the warmth of the water left her, and she quickly changed into her clothes and braided her wet hair down her back.  

Juliet hesitated when she pulled her shirt down over the brand. Today was her final check up before she could be cleared for Jackson’s patrol and Juliet prayed that Charlotte deemed her whole enough.  

When Juliet first arrived in Jackson, she couldn’t imagine ever wanting to step foot outside the fence again… but claustrophobia sets in fast when you’re trapped in a town with a man who has seen the entire rotten mess of your soul and wants absolutely nothing to do with it. 

Above all, Juliet wanted to earn her keep. She’d been on medical rest since she came to the town and the weight of her debt to the townspeople was crushing her. Juliet knew how to shoot, she knew how to ride a horse, and she knew how to fight. Patrol was the best fit for her. 

She just had to prove that she wasn’t completely falling apart. 

Her footsteps were heavy on the stairs as rushed down them, desperate to avoid being late for her appointment. 

“You ready?” Ethan called from the kitchen. 

“Yeah,” Juliet shouted back as she pulled on her boots. 

She’d invited Ethan to come with her and get to know the clinic a bit more. He’d been the medical prodigy of her father’s town and Juliet knew that he was itching to get back to practising medicine, he just needed a push. 

Juliet straightened as Ethan rounded the corner into the hall. She only had a second to plaster a somewhat convincing smile on her face before he was in front of her, scanning her up and down. 

“Are you okay?” he asked with a frown. 

Ethan asked that a lot in the past couple weeks.

“I’m fine,” she assured him as she tilted her chin up, “just want to get this over with.” 

Ethan nodded with a weak smile, and his eyes lingered on her face for another moment before he turned to grab his jacket from the hooks beside the front door. 

As Ethan shrugged his jacket on, Juliet squeezed past and reached for the khaki coloured canvas jacket. 

It still smelled like him. 

The reminder of Joel was imprinted in the material and Juliet was forced to breathe in the memory of his presence every time she pushed her arms through the sleeves. 

She could have found a new jacket, if she’d tried. Juliet could have traded something and added to her ever-growing debt, it wouldn’t have been too difficult. But how could she? When this was all she had left of him. 

Juliet should be angry, she should be furious and disgusted, but she wasn’t. Juliet just felt hollow, like all the emotions she should feel towards Joel had been gutted out and all that was left was an empty pit where her heart used to be.

She pulled the jacket off the hook a little too forcefully and the entire structure shook. Ethan’s head swung towards her but Juliet kept her eyes to the ground and held her breath as Joel’s  jacket engulfed her body. 

………………………..

The walk to the clinic started out rough, as it always did. 

Juliet tried not to look towards his house. 

She’d gone through multiple methods to stop her eyes from straying towards it: First, Juliet attempted to cut through the back garden of another house, but she got stuck between a very large tree and a very high fence. Next, on a particularly rough day, she walked past with her eyes squeezed shut, but didn’t get very far before she tripped. Juliet had quickly dusted herself off and darted away, praying no one had seen her. She didn’t even turn back when she thought she’d heard the sound of his door open and footsteps rushing out onto the porch… 

Juliet had decided it was just the wind. 

This time, Juliet threw herself into a conversation with Ethan as they strolled past. She watched his eyes brighten as he talked about the meal they shared the night before. Juliet smiled back, but it wasn’t real.

She would pretend, though, for Ethan.

For Ethan, Juliet would fake a smile and pretend that she wasn’t entirely numb to the kindness of life in Jackson. 

Joel had stripped her of that luxury… but how could she truly blame him? 

His only crime was not loving her, and the more she thought about it the more she understood why he could not: she’d bribed him, lied to him, and forced him into a situation where he had to save her life.

Juliet had thought there was something there, glimmering beneath his furrowed brow, clenched jaw and rough commands. Juliet had thought he felt something for her.

She blinked away the threat of tears and tuned back into Ethan’s chatter. Things had been better between them; Juliet remembered how comfortable it had been, with him by her side. He was still the same man after all this time and, as the trauma of the last few weeks started to chip away, Juliet remembered why she had fought so hard to save him. 

They walked down Jackson’s mainstreet at a quick pace, smiling at the residents who passed by. 

“No one ever smiled back home, did you ever notice that?” Ethan observed in a wistfully sad voice. 

“Yeah,” she answered as her head turned towards him, “there wasn’t much to smile about.”

Ethan let out a cold laugh as he stuffed his hands in his pockets.

“Guess that’s true,” he replied, “people here have something to live for, I suppose.” 

Juliet caught herself before she flinched, but her skin still pebbled beneath her thick jacket as Ethan unknowingly repeated the words Joel had whispered to her in that dark forest.

“You just gotta find somethin’ to live for,” he’d said in a voice so low and lips so close that his breath had brushed over her forehead. 

How could she? Juliet wanted to scream at him now… how could she, when he’d left her standing alone in the cold? 

……………………….

“Charlotte!” Juliet called when she opened the door to the clinic. The heat from the fireplace hit her immediately and a flush began to build on her cheeks. She stripped her jacket off immediately and hung it on one of the hooks by the door. Behind her, Ethan did the same as his eyes roamed the room.  

“In the back!” Charlotte called back.

Juliet turned to Ethan and raised her eyebrows before they followed the sound of Charlotte’s muffled voice into one of the back rooms. 

“Hey,” Juliet said carefully as she stood in the doorway. She was conscious of frightening her new friend as she sat hunched over precariously balanced bottles of some strange liquid. 

Charlotte’s head swung towards them and her face lit up. “Hey! Give me two seconds, I’m just finishing up,” she said in her permanently cheerful tone. Juliet nodded and turned to Ethan, ready to gesture that they would go wait in the hall … but Ethan’s eyes were glued on Charlotte.

Juliet watched as Ethan followed the movement of Charlotte’s hands. She must have noticed too, because she called over her shoulder: “Are you interested in medicine?” 

Ethan straightened in surprise. “Yeah,” he said, then cleared his throat, “used to practise but it’s been… a while.” 

Juliet didn’t miss the way his voice quietened at the reminder of the last few years.

“I take it you were the one to dress Juliet’s wound before y’all arrived?” Charlotte asked over her shoulder as she continued to fiddle with her equipment. 

Ethan looked to Juliet before responding, his eyes had taken on a haunted look as they dipped to her stomach then back over to where Charlotte sat at her desk. “Uh, yeah, that was me,” he confirmed in a rough voice. 

Charlotte finally looked away from her work and stripped off the gloves in her hands, then carefully dropped them into the bin on the floor. Her eyes lifted to Ethan’s as she reached up to tighten her long blonde ponytail.

“You did a good job,” she said earnestly, then paused and tilted her head slightly to the side, “we’re always looking for help around here, if you’re interested…” 

Charlotte trailed off as Ethan began to nod enthusiastically, then she smiled and clapped her hands together. “Fantastic! We’ll talk,” she answered with a wink.

Juliet watched with a hidden smirk as a flush rose on Ethan’s neck. 

“But first, Juliet, shall we?” Charlotte said, nodding towards the examination table in the corner of the room. 

It was metal with a thin mattress over it, and Juliet had found herself lying on it more times than she could count over the last couple weeks. It turned out that her injuries were more severe than she had realised. Having grown up with bruises as a permanent feature on her skin, Juliet never took her pain seriously. Even in the QZ, her hands were littered with burns that went untreated. 

When her father told her every day that the marks he left on her didn’t actually exist, Juliet began to adopt her pain as second nature and question if her tears were worth anything at all. 

Charlotte had treated the bullet wound on her shoulder, the bruises and burns on her wrists and ankles, the slash from her father’s bible on the side of her face, and his white hot initials on her stomach… along with various other aches and pains from untreated wounds over the years.

After Charlotte sent Ethan into the hall, she read out the list of treatments Juliet had accumulated over the past few weeks… and it wasn’t surprising she was banned from patrol. 

“Okay, so, let’s see if you’re ready to get on a horse,” Charlotte said softly as she rolled up Juliet’s top. 

Charlotte’s fingers were icy and goosebumps travelled across Juliet’s skin. She bit her lip and kept her gaze levelled on the ceiling as Charlotte peeled off her bandage. It was terrifying, the thought that she might still be too weak to step outside the town and do something with the abundance of time now on her hands.

In the QZ, the days were long and brutal, and Juliet would stumble back to her dingy apartment with smoke covered hands and blackened lungs before passing out on her moth-eaten couch, preparing for another gruelling shift the following day. 

In Jackson, life was much slower. Everyone worked and contributed to the community and there were no enforcers, no men with guns and bats tasked with keeping people in line. People worked in Jackson because they wanted to; the residents were fueled by their gratitude to the town and their willingness to work together.

Juliet wanted, so desperately, to be a part of that. She wanted to find something to get her up in the morning after long nights spent haunted by the memory of rough hands and cold eyes.

“You’re healing nicely, I’m going to recommend to Tommy that you’re cleared for patrol,” Charlotte declared as her hands left Juliet’s torso. 

“What?” Juliet coughed out and she used her elbows to lift herself up on the table, just enough to see Charlotte look down at her with her eyebrows raised. 

“I said you’re good,” she repeated slowly, “I mean, you’re still healing but I don’t see any risks of infection.” Charlotte clasped her hands together and tilted her head to the side as her eyes softened. 

“I know you’ve had a rough time of it the last few weeks… with Joel” Charlotte said in a quiet voice. 

She was frighteningly perceptive.

Juliet’s eyes left Charlotte’s as she sat up and swung her legs off the table, cringing slightly at the pull on her stomach. 

When she turned to her again, Juliet shook her head and feigned confusion. “It wasn’t like that,” she assured Charlotte with as much conviction as she could muster.

Charlotte scanned her face for a moment, then stepped backwards with a knowing smile. “Just don’t do anything reckless, it won’t make you feel any better,” she warned as her chin tilted downwards. “I’ve spent weeks trying to patch you up, don’t spoil my good work,” she continued, her voice friendly and teasing but with a soft undercurrent of concern. 

Juliet feigned an exacerbated eye-roll and let out a long breath. “Wouldn’t dream of it,” she replied and Charlotte shot her another quiet smile.

Juliet thanked Charlotte and left the room. Her heart raced and her body had stiffened slightly as Charlotte’s words sunk in…

Was patrol just another one of her distractions? 

Self-destructive behaviour was not new to Juliet, but patrol had nothing to do with Joel, surely. She just wanted to prove herself, right? 

Her mind felt clouded as she walked into the waiting room, ready to join Ethan by the fire for a moment, but her steps halted when she entered the room. 

The front door swung open and Tommy entered, rubbing his hands together as the heat hit him. “There you are,” he said warmly as his eyes focused on her, standing stiffly next to Ethan’s chair. 

Juliet blinked. “Hey”

“How’d it go?” Tommy asked as he walked closer, running a hand through his long wavy hair, “you cleared for patrol?” 

Juliet straightened and a sudden feeling of dread began to burn in her gut. “Yeah,” she said quietly, “Charlotte said I’m good to go.” 

A relieved smile took over Tommy’s mouth. “Thank god, a couple guys had to leave patrol when their wives had their kids, so we’re needin’ some fresh recruits,” he explained enthusiastically.

Juliet didn’t reply, she just nodded awkwardly and crossed her arms over her chest. 

Tommy’s stare cut suddenly to Ethan, who sat quietly in the armchair by the fire watching their conversation with his usual curious look. 

“What bout you?” Tommy directed towards Ethan. “Heard you can shoot too, you interested in patrol?” 

Ethan’s eyebrows shot up and he shifted in his seat. 

“Tommy Miller, are you tryin to steal my new trainee?” Charlotte exclaimed in mock surprise as she squeezed into the room behind Juliet with a gentle touch on her shoulder. 

Juliet’s mouth twitched as Tommy’s eyes shot to the ceiling.

“New trainee?” he asked, looking between Charlotte and Ethan. 

“Yeah,” she shrugged, “with doc doin’ so many house visits, I need all the help around here I can get.”

Tommy looked contemplative as Charlotte’s head turned to Ethan. “Plus, I think he’s already had some medical training. Is that right?” she asked, tilting her chin down at Ethan, sitting in his armchair. 

Ethan stiffened as all the eyes in the room swung on him at once. “That’s right,” he confirmed roughly as his gaze found Charlotte’s. 

Tommy raised his hands. “Fine,” he said, admitting defeat, then he caught Juliet’s eye and nodded. “Let’s head over to the stables, I’ll introduce you to your patrol partner.”

Juliet didn’t say anything for a moment. The weight of her decision grew heavy on her shoulders, but there was also a glimmer of excitement within her. She imagined herself getting on a horse, armed with every weapon she needed to protect the town.

It would be good to protect a place like this, a place that actually deserved it. 

Her eyes caught Charlotte’s and the weight eased as Juliet returned her warm, encouraging smile. 

She turned back to Tommy, who watched her with a curious look. Juliet might have thought there was guilt swimming in his gaze if she didn’t know any better. 

Eventually, Juliet nodded sharp and quick. “Let’s go.”

………………………..

Juliet hadn’t stepped foot in the stables since that first day, when burning relief was her most prominent emotion. 

Now, Juliet wasn’t sure what to feel. 

Tommy showed her around, pointing out all the things he hadn’t needed to on that first day. Juliet listened intently, wishing she had brought a notebook with her. It was the first job she’d ever cared about and she didn’t want to fuck it up. 

Juliet was very conscious of the fact that she had no ties to Jackson or Tommy, and that she and Ethan were allowed to stay purely because of the kindness of the residents. 

Once the tour had ended, Tommy and Juliet circled back to the entrance of the stables, where they waited for her new patrol partner to arrive. Tommy assured her that she wouldn’t start until the following day, but he wanted to make sure that she met her partner before then. 

They chatted quietly about Jackson’s weather, and the snow which was very possibly arriving the following week, when the barn doors opened with a long sharp whine of the hinges.

Juliet’s head swung in the direction and her stomach dropped to her feet. 

She would have prepared herself if she thought it would have been him. She would have donned some armour, strengthening her defences and at least attempted to plug the gaping hole in her chest. 

But Juliet hadn’t expected to see him, so the sight of Joel Miller struck her like the most painful blow. 

When her eyes finally focused, the first thing she noticed was his new jacket.

It shouldn’t have caused her stomach to drop even further, but it did. 

It was a dark brown leather, with the collar slightly turned up over his throat and Joel tugged against it as he entered the chilled barn. 

Juliet swallowed rough and shifted on her feet as she forced her eyes to focus on Tommy, but she knew the exact moment Joel’s stare found her. 

Out of the corner of her eye, she watched his stride suddenly stop and his body physically stiffen. 

“Joel,” Tommy said, greeting his brother with a tight smile. 

Juliet kept her stare pointed on Tommy’s face but goosebumps grew across her skin as she felt Joel move closer. 

“Ready to head out?” Joel asked his brother, his voice low and stilted. 

Tommy nodded and crossed his arms over his chest as his eyes darted to Juliet. 

“Yeah, soon, just waiting to introduce Juliet to Matt,” Tommy explained, as he tilted his head down to check his watch.

“Why?” Joel demanded in a voice so devastatingly dark. She felt his hot gaze find the side of her head and Juliet knew she had to turn around and face him, but his uncaring stare still stained the inside of her eyelids when she tried to sleep at night and Juliet worried that she might see that coldness in his eyes again. 

Tommy looked taken aback as his head turned between them both. “Juliet want -”

“I’m starting patrol,” Juliet said, cutting Tommy off as she finally faced Joel. 

Joel’s eyes were like the heaviest anchor, dragging her down into the depths of her sadness. Juliet had once thought he was the weight that kept her afloat, but she was wrong; she was merely a passenger in his life before he pushed her off the edge, back into the dark murky waters. 

“You’re what?” he growled. Joel looked down at her with a face like cracked stone, where his rage simmered out of each jagged edge. 

Inside, Juliet’s heart was hammering against her chest, but on the outside, she forced her spine to straighten and she wiped her face clean of any shock or surprise. 

“I’m starting patrol,” she repeated, slower this time with a harsher edge to her voice. 

“No, you’re not,” Joel argued gruffly, but his voice didn’t invite a response, it was a command.

Juliet blinked and looked to Tommy for assistance. “Charlotte just cleared me?” she replied, confusion evident in the crease between her eyebrows.

“Joel, you said it yourself, Juliet is highly skilled and we need that on patrol,” Tommy interjected, shifting on his feet. 

Joel said that? 

Juliet reached up to rub the back of her neck as her irritation grew. Joel was cruel that day outside her house, she hadn’t imagined that… but was she now imagining the way his eyes shone with concern? 

“You’re not ready, it’s too dangerous, you’ll hurt yourself,” Joel challenged. His words spilled from his mouth in a distressed ramble which made the confusion in Juliet’s chest twist painfully. 

Juliet shook her head and tilted her chin up to meet his flared pupils. 

Her mind flashed back to the Joel she knew three weeks ago, who had looked so guarded and frigid, and then she focused on the Joel standing in front of her with a turbulent combination of fear and anger darkening his eyes. 

Juliet should be outraged at his insistence that she couldn’t take care of herself, but she couldn’t help the part of her who clung to him on dark nights, and looked up at him like her protector, from viewing Joel’s words with optimism, with some sick hope that maybe he really did care after all. 

He must have seen it in her eyes; Joel must have watched her gaze shift into something softer, something kinder. And so, just as he had three weeks ago, Joel crushed any hope still living within her. 

Joel’s eyes narrowed as he turned to Tommy, ignoring Juliet altogether. “She’s not ready, she can’t protect the town.”

It was like her heart was shattering all over again. 

Juliet’s eyes turned glossy despite her best efforts to push down the ache in her chest. Joel just had this keen way of finding the part of her which hurt the most and driving the knife in deeper. 

Tommy stepped back from his brother, rage now rippling across his face. 

“Go sort the horses Joel, we’ll leave once I’m done here,” Tommy seethed, and Joel’s eyes widened. 

“You can’t be serious,” Joel ground out when he turned on Juliet, “after everythin’ we went through to get here, you’re just gonna go back out there?” 

Juliet winced. “You’re on patrol, why can’t I?” she bit back, standing her ground. 

Joel’s jaw clenched with teeth cracking intensity as his dark eyes roamed her face. What he was searching for in her expression, Juliet didn’t know, but she wasn’t planning on relenting anytime soon. In fact, Joel’s presence just made her more determined to find time beyond the fence. 

Everything about being around him hurt. It hurt to look in his eyes, knowing the way he used to look at her. It hurt watching his mouth curl into a cruel snarl, knowing the way he used to reluctantly laugh when she least expected it. But most of all, it hurt to hear the bitter words from his mouth as she remembered how warm they had once sounded against her skin. 

“That’s different,” he argued as he sharply turned his head back to Tommy in a desperate attempt to find some agreement in his eyes. But his brother said nothing, he was the one to approach Juliet with the offer of patrol and he wasn’t budging. 

“Joel, just go,” Tommy interrupted with a hand on Joel’s chest, holding him back from god knows what. Juliet hadn’t realised until Tommy broke the spell that Joel had moved closer, towering over her as he almost growled his words. 

He took one last look at Juliet, scanning her face with such intensity before he pushed past his brother and headed further into the stables with his shoulders tight and his fists clenched by his side. 

Juliet blinked and felt her race redden.

“I’m sorry bout him,” Tommy sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck. 

“It’s fine,” she replied quickly. It wasn’t though. She just couldn’t understand it. Joel and Juliet fought their way across the country together; he knew she could shoot, and protect herself, so why would he be so against her joining the patrol?

Maybe what her father had done to her changed the way Joel saw her… maybe he saw her as weak, maybe that’s why he wanted nothing to do with her…

Juliet swallowed roughly and coughed away the lump in her throat. She couldn’t afford to think like that. If she started to imagine why Joel had backed away, Juliet would spend the entire day ripping herself apart. 

“Hey!” a new voice called from the entrance to the barn. 

A smile approached Tommy’s mouth as a man Juliet hadn’t seen before stepped into the stables and headed over towards them. 

“Matt, I’d like you to meet Juliet - your new patrol partner,” Tommy said, gesturing towards Juliet. 

Juliet’s eyes finally focused on him and she stood up a bit straighter. He was handsome, with messy brown hair and a friendly smile which prevented any tendrils of fear from growing in her chest.

But it was his eyes which helped ease Juliet the most. They were kind eyes, the sort of eyes which echoed every smile on his face. 

“Juliet,” he echoed, now staring down at her, “I’ve heard a lot about you.” 

Juliet wasn’t sure how to reply. Her mind was still caught up in the mystery of Joel, so she opted for a quiet smile and raised eyebrows. 

“Heard you’re a good shot, will be good havin’ someone like you watchin’ my back out there,” Matt said with a friendly wink. 

How did everyone know so much about her? Only Joel truly knew the extent of her survival skills but she couldn’t imagine him singing her praises around town, he could barely look her in the eye without scowling. 

“When do we start?” she asked, pointedly ignoring Matt’s comment out of mild embarrassment. 

Matt crossed his arms over his chest and looked at Tommy. “We’re on the schedule for tomorrow, right?” 

“Yeah, bright and early,” Tommy confirmed.

Juliet nodded and looked between the two men. “Perfect.” 

…………………………

Two days later, Juliet had regrets. Not enough that she would swear off patrol forever, but she definitely had her doubts. 

She walked into the stables for her second shift just before dawn with her hood up and her sleeves pulled down over her fingers. The barn was empty and she could hear the soft thuds of her footsteps hit the straw covered ground as she made her way over to her horse. 

With everything in her, Juliet tried not to think about the day before or the fresh, thick ring of bruises around her wrist… if she did, she might start to think that maybe Joel was right, maybe patrol wasn’t for her. 

But she wouldn’t give him that satisfaction. 

Matt went first through Jackson’s gates, leading his horse with an air of confidence about him while Juliet tugged on the reins of her own horse and followed behind with sweaty palms and a racing heart. 

The first hour or so was fine, boring even, as Juliet and Matt travelled towards a nearby abandoned town they’d been asked to clear. Juliet had her gun loaded and her knife ready. She wasn’t frightened of the infected, it was always the people to look out for. 

She eyed Matt on the horse next to her. He seemed nice, making an effort to keep the conversation up even if Juliet only responded with vague answers and quiet pauses. His smile never faltered, it was inspiring actually. But Juliet hadn't seen him fight yet and she worried that his skills might not match his confidence. 

When they reached the array of houses, they stopped and slid off their horses in silence; only communicating through hand signals and exaggerated looks. Within minutes, Juliet and Matt had their guns positioned in front of them as they approached the first house. 

Their backs were pressed against the rotted wood, listening for any infected groans or hushed whispers. Juliet breathed a sigh of relief when they heard nothing, but the rigidness of her shoulders didn’t ease; they still had to clear the houses, which meant actually going in them.

Juliet swallowed and closed her eyes, she allowed the weight of her task to fall down on her tense shoulders and then waited for herself to get used to the feeling. Juliet was beyond the fence and she had neither Joel nor Blake standing by her side to protect her. Despite Matt’s gentle presence, Juliet felt like she was facing this alone, and with that thought came a feeling of pride. She could do this, she was doing this. Juliet pushed Joel’s harsh words to the back of her mind and strengthened her grip on her gun. 

When she opened her eyes, Matt turned her way and he signalled to split up and enter the house through different doors. Juliet’s eyebrows furrowed a little at the mention of splitting up, but, despite hardly knowing him, she trusted that Matt knew the ways of patrol and decided to follow his lead. She nodded back fast and sharp. 

The thud of hard footsteps startled Juliet from her memory and her head darted towards the source of the sound. 

As soon as her eyes brushed over the muddy leather jacket she froze and squeezed her eyes shut. Shit. 

That was not Matt. 

Juliet swallowed down her panic and shrunk behind the wall near the back of the stables, where the shelving was kept. Maybe if she stayed here, Joel would get what he needed and leave. He wasn’t scheduled for patrol this morning. 

She heard him head over to his horse and Juliet allowed her head to fall back against the wall in relief. 

The front door made no sound as she turned the handle, not even the signature shriek of over twenty year old hinges. The initial stabbing of fear in her chest lessened as a small bit of relief flowed through her. 

Juliet walked into the house with the softest footsteps she could manage, barely even putting weight on the wooden floor as she made her way through the hall and into the living room. 

The house was a massive, practically a mansion, it was bigger than any house Joel and Juliet had come across on the road and there was a lot of ground to cover. Matt had entered from the back door and Juliet watched as he silently headed up the stairs before she rounded the corner into the living area. 

The room was a time capsule. With the layers and layers of dust on everything Juliet assumed that nothing had been touched since the world changed. It was strange to come across a house that hadn’t been pillaged but Juliet assumed being positioned deep in Wyoming would deter any visitors. 

The realisation allowed Juliet’s muscles to ease even further but she continued to hold her gun tight in her hand with her finger hovering over the trigger, just like Ethan had taught her. It was her first time on patrol and she wasn’t taking any chances. 

There was a door across the room so Juliet headed there next, still making sure to keep her steps light and fast. She kept listening for anything amiss upstairs but heard nothing, Matt must have been fine, just silently sweeping the untouched rooms. 

Juliet was struck by how cold the handle was as her hand curved around it. She should have taken it as an omen, but the thought hadn’t even entered her head as she angled her wrist and turned the handle. 

“The hell you doin’ back here?” a gruff, startled voice demanded. 

Juliet’s eyes shot open and her head turned to Joel, now standing beside the wall she leaned against. She straightened instantly as her heart started to speed in her chest. Juliet could tell herself that he had startled her, but her body reacted this way every time she met his dark brown eyes.  

“Just waiting for Matt,” Juliet answered as she continued to shake herself from her memories. 

“Behind a wall?” Joel asked, amused. 

His mouth didn’t have the same sharp edges to it, but Juliet knew not to be fooled. 

“Yeah,” she confirmed, her face reddening slightly, “was just uh resting my eyes for a second.” 

“Sure,” Joel replied slowly, with raised eyebrows. 

Juliet shifted, suddenly feeling unsteady. She hadn’t spoken to Joel since the day before last, when he had very publicly questioned her survival abilities. 

She wrapped her arms around her middle, making sure her hurt didn’t spill out from the hole he left in her chest. 

“Why are you here?” Juliet snapped, “you’re not on the schedule.” 

Joel blinked and crossed his arms over his chest. He looked down at her with eyes that didn’t match the memory of his apathy that day outside her house and Juliet struggled to keep her defences secured. 

He cleared his throat and his jaw shifted. “Just grabbin’ some ammo,” he answered, nodding at the shelving behind her. 

“Oh,” Juliet breathed. She realised that she was standing in his way and a horribly enticing  image of him brushing against her as he squeezed past flashed into her mind. Juliet swallowed and decided to avoid any more close proximity, lest her defences fail entirely and she fall for the hint of decency he was showing her in that moment. 

“I’ll grab it for you,” she said quietly and turned. The shelf of ammo was quite high up so she had to stand on her tiptoes and stretch her right arm up to grip the small box. 

Behind her, Juliet heard Joel’s sharp intake of breath as her sleeve fell.

The handle turned with ease, it wasn’t even stiff. Somehow, Juliet had been fooled by the silence of the house and its lack of immediate threats. That’s why, when the door inched open and the infected’s peeling face filled her view, Juliet froze as her shock choked her. Her hand paused on the handle, she didn’t dare make a single movement. 

It was strange, looking back on it, that the infected hadn’t made a single sound to announce its presence. Not a click or a grunt or a screech. 

Peering into the windowless room, Juliet hadn’t known it was lurking in the dark until its decayed fingers were wrapped around her wrist, as her hand continued to grip the freezing cold handle. 

With the first touch of its wet, torn flesh on her skin, terror struck Juliet, wrapping around her throat with the same vice-like grip of the infected on her wrist. She might have screamed, she wasn’t sure, because the infected had finally decided to make its presence known, shrieking violently into Juliet’s ear. 

The infected gripped her wrist so forcefully that she couldn’t pull herself from the door handle, so she did the next best thing: Juliet tightened her hold on the door and pulled with all her strength to slam it closed on the infected. 

It worked. Kind of. 

The infected was jammed in between the door and its frame, with its hand still squeezing down harder and harder against Juliet’s wrist and its head pushing through the gap. 

Juliet was definitely screaming as the infected’s teeth snapped against her arm. Joel’s jacket wouldn’t protect her from the force of the infected’s bite. Panic flooded her bloodstream. Juliet couldn’t think, she couldn’t strategise, because what if the infected’s teeth had already pierced her skin?

What if this was it? 

If she was bit, Matt would shoot her in the head and Juliet would never see Joel again. 

Even in what might have been her final moments, as she struggled against the infected, Juliet still thought of him. 

She would die, and never get to tell him how she really felt. 

Juliet knew he wouldn’t care, that some confession from her would only be met by emotionless eyes and cutting words, but she couldn’t let go… she couldn’t forget how she felt, and how he had once made her feel. 

Thankfully, her sanity returned as the milliseconds ticked by and Juliet started shooting the infected’s arm, desperately attempting to force it to release her wrist. 

She heard Matt rush up behind her, shouting her name, but she just kept shooting until a bullet finally landed itself in the infected’s head. 

Matt caught her as she fell backwards, still kicking her feet and continuing to scream even as she watched the infected fall to the floor, mostly behind the door with only its arm and leaking head in sight.

“It’s okay,” Matt repeated over and over as Juliet struggled against him. 

“No, get away” she gasped as terror poured from her, “I might be infected.” 

Matt didn’t let go, even as Juliet began to punch his arms. It had to have hurt but he didn’t budge. 

“Calm down, we’ll check, okay?” he said breathlessly as Juliet’s punches grew weaker. “Please, just let me have a look.” 

Juliet slumped against him, breathing heavy. She couldn’t bring herself to glance at her wrist. 

Matt held tight against her until for another moment before he cautiously reached towards her arm. Juliet could feel the rapid beating of his heart against her back. 

Her eyes were squeezed shut when she felt his fingertips on her wrist, her skin was almost numb from the force of the infected’s grip, but she still felt Matt slowly trace her skin, searching for her death sentence. 

Tears leaked from the corner of her scrunched eyelids when he pulled her sleeve down further and Juliet wondered how long the infection would take to set in. Was she starting to feel it now? Or was the shaking of her body just the remnants from her adrenaline rush? 

The seconds stretched beyond all understanding of space and time as Juliet waited for Matt to confirm her fate. 

“You’re clean,” he whispered softly as his fingers left her aching skin. 

“Juliet,” he said, raising his voice a little to grab her attention. “You’re clean, it didn’t get you, I swear.” 

Juliet felt his voice rumble against her back as she continued to slump against him and she waited for his words to register. When they did, she sat up and, with a spinning head, examined every inch of her skin. 

“I’m clean,” she confirmed under her breath as her wide eyes trained on the rapidly developing bruise on her skin. 

The following day, the bruise had only grown worse. It was almost black and wrapped around the entirety of her wrist in the shape of the infected’s rotten fingers. 

Juliet’s entire body stiffened as she felt the sleeve of her jacket brush her raw skin and reveal the evidence of her stupidity, her inability to protect the town. 

She’d got herself caught by an infected, she could have got Matt killed. 

Quickly she gripped the worn cardboard of the ammo box and dropped her arms, swallowing rough before she turned around. 

She knew how Joel would react. He would tell her that he was right, that she wasn’t ready to go on patrol - 

“Who did this to you?” Joel seethed in a voice so viciously menacing that Juliet couldn't help but flinch. He stalked towards her and grabbed the ammo from her hand, throwing it on the low shelf behind her, before he lifted her wrist with surprising gentleness as his fingers slowly pushed back the sleeve of her jacket, revealing the extent of the bruising. 

His eyes left her arm momentarily to meet her wide eyed stare. 

“Who did this to you?” he demanded again, slower this time, like every word choked him. 

Juliet’s lips parted as her eyes darted between Joel’s intense stare and his fingers softly brushing over her wrist. 

His mouth was bloodthirsty but his eyes were pained, like the sight of the dark ring of purple around her wrist bruised him too. 

“Nobody, It was -” 

“Don’t lie to me,” he nearly growled. “Was it Matt?” 

Juliet’s stomach dropped. Joel said Matt’s name as though her were some mass murderer. 

“No!” Juliet said nervously, “It was -”

“If he fuckin’ touched you,” Joel raged, shaking his head ever so slightly. 

“It wasn’t him!” Juliet breathlessly revealed. “It was an infected.” 

Juliet expected Joel’s rage to burn out when he realised Matt had no part in her injury, but for some reason it looked as though the muscles in his body grew even tighter.

“An infected did this?” he breathed, hovering his thumb over the dark purple. 

Juliet nodded slowly, not trusting her words. 

Joel was touching her and she could think of nothing else other than the calloused edge of his fingertips brushing so delicately against her injured skin. 

“You weren’t bit?” Joel asked softly, already knowing the answer or Juliet wouldn’t have been standing in front of him. 

“No,” she whispered hoarsely. 

“You could’ve been killed,” he ground out as a muscle jumped in his very tight jaw. Joel was so close to her now, his breath touched her forehead as she looked up at him. 

She was pressed against the shelving, with nowhere to escape him. 

His other hand reached up and cradled her cheek as his eyes scanned over her face, watching as her lip trembled. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked in a hushed voice. 

Juliet had been drawn in, caught in the spell of Joel’s close proximity; exposed to the intoxication of his smell and the magnetism of his eyes. 

But his words struck her in that deep, dark hole in her chest, and she was thrown from his orbit. 

Why didn’t she tell him? 

Her eyes darkened. 

“Why the hell would I tell you?” Juliet almost snarled. 

Joel drew back as if he’d been slapped. 

For a brief moment, Juliet imagined she saw hurt blazing in his eyes, before they hardened. 

“We haven’t spoken in weeks, and you all but told me you couldn’t care less about me,” she bit out, pouring every bit of her anger, shock and sadness into each word. 

“Why would I tell you anything?” she continued, her voice cracking. 

A million emotions flashed across Joel’s face, and Juliet couldn’t seem to grasp at any. 

She was breathing heavy. 

His hands released her slowly as though he had to force himself to pull away. 

Joel took a deep breath and Juliet held her’s as she waited for him to take back every cruel word he threw at her and rescind the way he made her feel. 

But his eyes scanned her face and the breath slowly left his mouth, with nothing to ease the ache in Juliet’s chest. 

“It’s a miracle you’re alive,” he said quietly after a moment, rubbing a hand over his jaw. 

Juliet said nothing, all the fight in her was gone. 

She’d expected Joel to argue back, to fight her accusation of his indifference towards her. 

But, instead, she watched as all the shutters in his mind slammed closed once again.

With one last lingering look, Joel turned and stormed around the corner without his ammo. 

Juliet closed her eyes and felt tears leak down her cheeks, cleansing her skin of the memory of Joel’s heated touch as she heard his hard footsteps march out of the barn.

_________________________________________

@amyispxnk @http-paprika @shotgun-shelby @weeping-werewolf

(I'll proofread this properly tomorrow, sorry if there's any random formatting or grammatical errors lol)

thanks for reading ❤️

#joel miller #joel miller angst #joel miller x female oc #joel miller x reader #joel miller x original character #joel miller x oc #joel miller fic #ao3 fanfic #joel miller hbo #joel miller fanfic #pedro pascal #tlou #joel tlou #the last of us #tlou hbo #Spotify

[cinnamongorll]

a fragile line - chapter 27

read on ao3 (117k words) | previous chapter | next chapter | masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female OC

Series tags: extreme slow burn, age gap, older man/younger woman, protective joel, jealous joel, hurt/comfort, pov third person, mutual pining, angst, sexual tension, friends to lovers, canon-typical violence, feral joel, parental abuse, eventual smut.

Series synopsis: three years ago, Juliet escaped her father's religious survivor camp, ending up in the Boston QZ. Juliet created a life for herself in Boston, desperate to forget the trauma of her upbringing. One day, Juliet arrives home to find a mysterious letter which forces her to return to her home town. Juliet can't travel the harsh post-apocalyptic landscape alone, so she enlists the help of the grumpy and, at times, frightening man she works alongside: Joel Miller.

Chapter warnings: smut, age gap (older man/younger woman).

Word count: 6.3k

Chapter 27

Joel’s POV: 

Joel’s hands curled around the edges of the wooden countertop. His, most likely, fractured knuckles strained with the movement. But Joel wasn’t thinking about that. He was too busy seeing red. 

Less than a day had passed since he found his brother; since Tommy had patted him on the back and welcomed him into this safe haven. It was a goddamn miracle, Joel had thought, as he followed his younger brother through Jackson’s streets. 

After everything he’d seen, everything he’d done, every sick twisted imagining of his brother’s potential fate … there Joel was, standing in a kitchen he’d been told to call his own with the knowledge that his brother was okay. More than okay. 

And Juliet, the woman he had vowed to protect, was safe and somewhat whole; still weak and scarred but she was alive and so was he.

So why, then, did Joel feel like he could punch a fist through the window he glared out of?

Maria’s face flashed across his mind. He tightened his grip on the counter. 

His brother had moved on, found himself a wife. Guess it was going to happen eventually; life continued on for a lot of people after the dust settled. Joel just hadn’t expected his brother to be one of them. 

He recalled the way Tommy’s wife looked at him in the dining hall, staring a little too long at his torn knuckles as though she were picturing every violent action his hands had been involved in. 

Joel was no innocent, there was no debating this. But neither was his brother, neither was Maria, probably… 

Innocence was lost on survivors.

“Joel?” a quiet voice asked behind him, gently grabbing his attention. 

Joel turned his head to find Juliet standing behind her chair, hovering as though she was unsure whether to sit or not. A line formed between her eyebrows as she looked at him, seemingly puzzled by his tense position.

But Joel wasn’t gripping the countertop to displace his anger anymore, he tightened his hold to restrain himself from closing the short distance between them, pushing Juliet against the kitchen wall and crashing his mouth over hers. 

Something must have shifted in Joel’s expression because Juliet blinked and a flush began to rise in her neck. She looked almost shy. 

“You okay?” Juliet asked after a moment, as Joel continued to stare back at her. 

He nodded quickly and unlatched his fingers from the countertop, before shifting his body round to lean back against it and cross his arms over his chest. 

Juliet took her seat slowly but her soft brown eyes didn’t leave his. Her hair was tucked behind her ears now and it looked like it had been smoothed down, erasing the work of his hands from the night before. 

“Wonder what Maria wanted,” Juliet considered. She looked up at Joel from beneath her long eyelashes then back at her half eaten serving of breakfast. 

Joel knew exactly what Maria had wanted: to threaten him, to scare him off. Tommy had probably told his wife about their past. Apparently she had forgiven Tommy, but Joel was a new threat. 

Joel’s jaw tightened. “Hmm” he responded, then stalked over to the seat he had vacated only minutes ago. “Finish your food,” he urged with a tilt of his head. 

“Bossy,” Juliet murmured as she picked up her fork again. 

His mouth curved up in response. It was good to see her eating again, Joel even joined her, eagerly inhaling his scrambled eggs. They reminded him of another time. 

The silence stretched between them, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Joel felt Juliet’s eyes on him every now and then, and he watched them dart away when he looked back. It was strange to see her nervous, as though she was now unsure of his actions. 

She hadn’t been nervous the night before.

Joel tightened his grip on his fork. 

Just as the thought crossed his mind, Juliet spoke: “So,” she began, then paused, “about last night…” 

Joel could almost hear a tremor in her voice as she said the words, and a pulse of fear fired through his body.

He looked up at her and waited, gripping his fork hard enough to strain the fractured bones in his fingers. 

“I’m sorry if I - If…” Juliet stopped with a slight shake of her head, then rested her head in her hand, as though she were hiding from him. 

“Nothin’ to apologise for,” he assured with a frown. 

He’d wanted her for so long, the need to touch her was bordering on feral as the days, weeks and months passed. Joel didn’t know when he allowed his brain to see her that way, but he was unable to go back to viewing Juliet as merely cargo. 

Then, to have her appear at his door and practically throw herself at him was like something out of every sick fantasy Joel had ever had. 

Last night, he hadn’t stopped to think. Juliet was there, looking up at him with an open invitation to fulfil those fantasies, and like the sick, deranged man he was… Joel finally indulged them. 

He wanted to worship her, beg her to never leave his side, to lock the door and keep her inside with him forever. Joel’s desperation for Juliet was invading his every thought and action.

It was a struggle in that moment, to sit across from Juliet and not be touching her. Joel was never a man who craved physical touch, but in this world he needed the reassurance that she was really there, that she was okay. 

He was out of his seat before his brain caught up to him. Joel rounded the table like an animal stalking his prey and Juliet’s eyes were wide as they followed his movements. Maybe she should be afraid. 

When he stood before her, his hand reached out, grazing her chin with the calloused edge of his fingers. Her lips parted instantly and a flash of heat dropped low in Joel’s stomach.

A quiet smile approached the corners of his mouth. He hadn’t smiled so much in years, didn’t even know he still could. 

“Did I do anythin’ last night that made you uncomfortable?” Joel asked softly as his thumb began to rub across her jaw. 

Juliet swallowed rough, blinking a few times. 

“No,” she whispered. 

Joel paused his exploration of her jaw and moved his hand to unhook her hair from behind her ear. His fingers danced through the strands as the memory of the way he gripped the dark brown locks just the night before entered his mind. The sounds Juliet made still echoed in his head. He lightly tugged a strand at the thought. 

Joel didn’t miss the way Juliet’s eyes grew a little darker.  

“Do you regret what we did?” Joel asked, quieter this time.  

Juliet responded instantly with a small shake of her head. 

“Good,” he replied, satisfied with his interrogation. 

Relief cut through some of the anxiety lingering in his mind. Joel wanted Juliet to know that she was in control, that she had choices. He understood that so many had been taken from her. Even the thought of her past made Joel’s blood start thundering in his ears. 

“Are we going to stay here, in Jackson, with Tommy?” Juliet asked.

Joel’s hand paused over her hair. 

‘We’ sounded so good on her lips. It was confirmation that Juliet wanted to stay with him, to continue existing together. 

“Looks safe here,” Joel mused as his eyes darted away from Juliet, towards the window behind them. When he turned back to face her, he was struck by the openness in her expression, as though she’d follow him anywhere. 

Joel straightened and allowed his hand to drop back to his side. “Stayin’ here might be good for us,” he murmured as he continued staring into Juliet’s wide eyes. 

“I agree,” she replied with a fresh flush on her cheek. Joel loved seeing his presence stain her skin. It sent his primal instincts running wild. He curled his hand into a fist against his leg to restrain himself from touching her again.

Juliet didn’t have that worry though, apparently, because she leapt from her seat and pressed the front of her body against his. Joel immediately stiffened, holding his breath. They were so close, her chin almost rested on his chest as she looked up at him. Any hint of nerves were long gone. Juliet’s eyes were black as she scanned his face.

It was Joel’s turn to be nervous. 

Then her hand started to train up his arm, slowly and delicately with just the tips of her fingers. The feeling sent chills all over Joel’s body, tightening his already stiff muscles. 

The fingertips soon moved up to his neck and the second she touched his bare skin Joel’s hand circled her wrist, stopping all movements. 

This made a sly smile slide over Juliet’s face, and those black eyes shone with false innocence. “Do I make you uncomfortable, Joel?” she asked sweetly, blinking rapidly with a tilt of her head.

The look in her eyes almost sent Joel to his knees. 

“What are you playin’ at?” he breathed out, his voice was nearly a growl. 

Juliet just smiled and brought her other hand, which was not restrained by Joel, to trail up under his flannel. Joel jumped with the feeling of her delicate fingers on his lower stomach, he could feel his jeans tighten with every look in Juliet’s eyes. 

“Do you regret what we did?” she continued, her voice was sharp and teasing as her fingers traced the patch of hair that led down into the waistband of his jeans. Joel wasn’t sure he was breathing anymore, how had Juliet managed to take control? He was unbalanced, nervous, like an inexperienced teenager. 

He said nothing, Joel wasn’t sure he could form words at that moment. Juliet’s fingers had begun to unbuckle his belt and god help him… he let her. His hand released her wrist and found itself wrapped in her hair again, tugging gently as Juliet made her way to the button on his jeans.

The sound of his zip was deafening in the silent room. Neither said a word, they communicated with their heavy breathing. Joel knew he should stop her, should grip her wrist again and pull her away from the bulge in his jeans. But then her hand dipped into his waistband and gripped the hard evidence of his need for her, wrapping her fingers around him the best she could.  

A guttural groan released from Joel’s mouth and his chin dropped to the top of Juliet’s head. “ Fuck” he sighed and his hand pulled harder on her hair. Juliet responded with a moan that him twitching against her fingers. 

In a frenzied movement, spurred by Joel’s reactions, Juliet pulled against his jeans and freed him from his boxers. Then her fingers were on him again, wrapping around and stroking, slow at first, then faster. Juliet’s breaths were growing heavier with every movement, matching Joel’s. 

Joel was burning, she was killing him. He didn’t think he’d ever felt this way. The feeling of her touch was intoxicating, and he needed more. 

Joel’s hands left her hair and found her jaw, tilting her head up to meet his. Joel’s tongue entered her mouth with no warning, he wasn’t gentle this time, he wanted to devour her. 

Joel needed to show her exactly what she was doing to him. 

With soft whine from Juliet’s occupied lips, Joel bucked into her hand and he groaned into her open mouth. 

Her hands were moving faster now, responding to the intensity of his need.

“Fuck , baby,” he said against her forehead when he pulled himself from her lips. "Feels so fuckin’ good”, Joel murmured as he continued to thrust into her touch.

Joel nearly came with the sound of Juliet’s responding moan. Her strokes grew more frenzied and their breaths continued to fill the room as Joel leaned against her, unable to steady himself while a pleasure unlike he’d felt in years built and built in his bloodstream. 

His hand dropped from her jaw, down her neck and lower until he palmed against the soft curve of her breast. Juliet whined as she pressed harder against him. 

“You feel what you’re doin’ do me?” he growled. His words slurred together as his pleasure intensified, Juliet didn’t respond; she just stoked him faster and faster, and squeezed harder and harder until Joel’s mouth found her throat and he began to feverishly press his lips against her neck, leaving a trail of redness that he wasn’t sure he’d regret later. 

“I’m - I’m gonna -” he groaned as the heat in his stomach reached a breaking point. She knew exactly how to touch him. She knew exactly how to make him fall apart.  

“Let go, Joel,” Juliet commanded breathlessly.

The sound of his name from her lips tipped him over the edge, and with a low groan, Joel came. 

His vision was entirely white as he spilled himself into Juliet’s hand.

“Fuck,” he cursed as his senses returned. He was practically slumped over Juliet’s much smaller frame and he instantly straightened. 

Juliet was still pressed against him, breathing heavy. Joel grabbed a kitchen towel laid on the table next to them and pressed it against her hands, wiping him from her skin before he tucked himself back in his boxers. 

Juliet took a step back into the seat behind her and attempted to catch her breath as Joel just stared. He’d lost control… again. He’d probably hurt her, or done too much. Joel’s thoughts began to spiral as he waited for Juliet to lift her head. 

“Are you alright?” he asked, attempting to make his rough voice a little softer. Joel didn’t dare to move closer to her. 

Juliet’s head immediately lifted and Joel braced himself for an expression of extreme regret. Instead, he found that her mouth had a hint of a smile which only grew the longer she stared into his eyes. It wasn’t really a nice smile. It had an edge to it, as though she taunted him with it. 

Juliet’s beauty was never in question. Even the first time he’d seen her walk across the courtyard in the QZ, ready to begin her first shift, Joel had struggled to stifle his reaction to the deep brown of her eyes and the soft curve of her flushed cheeks from the heat of the fire. Joel had been numb to the world for so long, everything had been in shades of black and white. He’d hadn’t allowed himself to ruminate on his reaction to Juliet for long, Joel made sure to push down any traitorous thoughts… but he’d be lying if he said his eyes hadn’t followed her around every corner of the QZ, and that his hands wouldn’t curl into fists when the light hit her hair and illuminated the secret red shades which hid within the deep brown waves. 

Juliet’s beauty was undisputed, but Joel had never known the true extent of it until she looked up at him at that moment. The flush on her cheeks was because of him this time. 

“Still no regrets?” she taunted with a tilt of her head. 

Joel’s eyes darkened in response, and his hands reached to zip up his jeans and fix his belt in fear that his reaction to her words would be revealed. 

Then he shook his head slowly as his fingers found her jaw and tilted her chin up towards him. 

“You’re gonna be the death of me,” he murmured. 

Juliet’s smile widened but the mischief had left her gaze, and the longer she stared up at him, the more her eyes took on a more serious gleam as though she warred with something. 

Joel’s eyebrows furrowed as he waited for whatever troubling thought in her mind to find its way to him. 

She swallowed quickly. “Joel, I -” 

“ Joel? You in here? ” a familiar voice called from the hall. Joel’s spine straightened quickly as his head whipped the direction of his brother. 

Juliet stood, turning to the side to create some distance between them as she fixed her hair. 

He hadn’t even heard Tommy enter the house, Juliet had completely robbed Joel of his sharpened instincts. 

“Kitchen,” he called back, his voice was rougher than he realised. 

When his eyes returned to Juliet, any hint of vulnerability had disappeared from her stare. Joel’s eyebrows pinched together as his brother entered the kitchen. 

“Sorry,” Tommy said, “didn’t know you had a guest,” he continued, not sounding sorry in the slightest. 

“What’s up?” Joel asked as he crossed his arms over his chest and subtly angled himself to block Tommy’s view of the mess they left on the table. 

Tommy’s eyes darted to Juliet, then back to Joel. “Wanted to talk,” he explained, slowly.

Joel shifted on his feet as he felt his defences rising. “So talk,” he replied carefully. 

Tommy’s eyes narrowed as he stared back at him. “Come on, Joel,” he pleaded.

“I’m gonna go…” Juliet spoke from behind him as she then began to walk out the kitchen. 

Her head was turned towards him, making sure to hold eye contact until she reached the door and paused. Joel instinctually stepped forward to follow her but was caught by the hidden smile that she gave him, right before she slipped out the door and made her way back down the hall. Joel stood in silence, not even looking at his brother as he waited to hear the front door open and close. He hoped he wouldn’t. Joel wished that Juliet would change her mind and return upstairs to the bed he laid her in last night and wait for him to join her. 

His mouth ached to ask her to stay. She’d whispered the word herself the night before and Joel knew that it’d be so easy to stalk down the hall and throw her over his shoulder, even beg her to stay. 

But his brother stood in front of him with an unreadable expression on his face. So Joel contained his mess of emotions, threw on a mask of indifference, and raised an eyebrow at Tommy as they heard the soft sound of the front door closing. 

Tommy shifted under Joel’s intense stare and he ran his hand over his jaw. “Let’s get outta here, wanna show you the bar,” he suggested.

How could Joel say no to that?

…………………………..

Joel’s breath clouded in front of him as they walked down Jackson’s mainstreet, towards the Tipsy Bison.

He still didn’t have a jacket and, though the cold cut through the thin flannel he wore, Joel was warmed by the thought of Juliet wearing his coat. It reignited the possessiveness which crawled under Joel’s skin. The jacket was almost like a mark of his protection, that Joel was the only one to keep her safe and keep her sheltered from the cold.

Joel would also be lying if he said that the look on Ethan’s face when Juliet put on his jacket that day hadn’t been well worth bracing the cold. A dark smirk touched the corner of his mouth at the thought. 

Suddenly, Tommy stopped and stepped up onto the porch outside the bar. Joel’s hands were tucked into his jean pockets to stave off the cold and he shouldered his way through the door Tommy opened for him. 

Joel’s eyes shot straight to the wall of bottles across the room and his eyebrows raised when Tommy turned back to gauge his reaction.

Joel’s brother coughed out a laugh as he caught sight of his face.

“Take a seat,” Tommy urged with a smirk on his face as he rounded behind the bar.

Joel blew out a breath and slid onto one of the bar stools while his eyes attempted to take in his surroundings. If the bar had been crowded and some guy with a guitar stood in the corner, Joel could have sworn it was twenty years earlier and he was out for a drink with his brother on a Saturday night. 

A glass slid across the bartop towards him and  Joel caught it with a tight grip. The amber liquid smelled like another time and Joel’s mouth watered. He lifted it slowly to his mouth as he attempted to reassure himself that he hadn’t travelled back in time.

The burning in the back of his throat was strong, and Joel closed his eyes as the liquid warmed his body. 

When he brought the glass back down, his eyes immediately found Tommy’s.

“Been a long time,” he said roughly as he scanned his brother’s face. “Doesn’t seem like you aged much.”

Tommy coughed out a laugh. “You, on the other hand,” he mocked as he nodded at Joel. 

Joel’s eyes hit the ceiling and he shifted on his seat. He knew he’d aged since the last time he’d seen his brother… and he felt it. Joel was slower than ever and with every bullet from his gun and punch that he threw, Joel felt himself grow weaker and weaker. 

Tommy must have seen the look on his face. “Thanks,” he said quietly, interrupting Joel’s thought spiral, “for still givin’ a shit about me.” 

Joel nodded and looked away. 

It hadn’t always been this way with his brother. Tommy hadn’t always looked at him with a mix of disappointment and apprehension. 

Joel lifted his drink again and downed the rest of it in one large gulp. The glass thumped against the wooden bar when he brought it back down. 

“So, how’s Tess?” Tommy asked slowly. 

Joel’s hand tightened around the glass. 

“She’s fine. I think,” Joel replied with a shrug. 

Tommy put his hands on the bar and leaned closer. Joel watched the confusion ripple across his face. “Why isn’t she with you?” he questioned. 

Joel ran a hand over his face. His brother’s questioning was begging to wear against a memory of shouted words and slammed doors. A memory Joel would rather not let resurface in his mind. 

“QZ life wasn’t for her,” Joel answered sharply as his fingers began to tap against the bartop. 

“Doesn’t sound like Tess,” Tommy insisted, as his eyebrows furrowed and he crossed his arms over his chest.

Joel’s anger caught him by surprise. “Well,” he said darkly, “you think you know someone.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tommy demanded, standing straighter.

Joel leaned back. “Guess runnin’ a town takes priority over messaging someone back,” he said with a shrug. Then that anger built in him again. “Or was it cause your wife wouldn’t let you?”

Tommy was silent but Joel could hear his breathing grow faster.

 “Joel -” 

“She the one that kept you off the radio?”

His brother sighed and ran a hand through his hair. 

“After I ditched the Fireflies, Maria and her crew found me,” Tommy explained, “They’re good people, they didn’t have to take me in, but they did.” 

Joel’s eyes hit the ceiling again as his fingers resumed their tapping.

“All they ask is that I follow their rules,” Tommy continued.

“I’m your brother,” Joel reminded him. 

“Yeah, I’m aware,” Tommy bit back, then let out a long breath and shook his head. “They’re very protective of this place, and for good fuckin’ reason. Folks find out we’re up here…”

“Wrong people might show up,” Joel finished for him with a humourless laugh and his eyes shot to his younger brother, pinning him with his signature lethal stare. “So is that what I am? Am I the wrong people ?” 

Tommy’s frown grew deeper as Joel’s rage continued to storm his mind, forcing his words into daggers. 

“Joel, what happened out there? What are you doin’ with that girl?” Tommy demanded after a long pause. 

Joel stopped tapping and his hand curled into a fist. He didn’t like the way Tommy referred to Juliet, as though she were something inconsequential to him. As though one smile from her didn’t turn his whole world upside down. 

“Did what I had to do to keep myself alive, to keep her alive,” he said darkly as his eyes darted to his damaged knuckles. Joel didn’t dare look at Tommy at that moment; they were straying into dangerous territory. 

Tommy’s hand was in his hair again, tugging on the strands. “I don’t even wanna know,” he confessed, then shook his head. “Maria… she’s worried about Juliet. Thinks there’s somethin’ goin’ on between the two of you.” 

Joel stood without warning, almost knocking the barstool to the floor. His chest heaved with the burden of the thoughts in his head and the weight of his anger. Who the hell did Tommy think he was, askin questions like that?  

“It’s none of your fuckin’ business,” Joel warned as he tried not to picture the look in Juliet’s eyes earlier when she had dropped her hand lower and lower. Joel knew it was wrong. He wasn’t entirely blind to the optics of a relationship with someone like Juliet, someone much younger than himself. But god help him… last night and that morning, he’d just forgotten to care. 

“It’s our business who we bring into this town,” Tommy argued.

Joel nearly scoffed at his use of ‘ our’ as though he and Maria were some unit working against him. 

“If you knew the shit that I’ve been through, the shit that she’s been through,” Joel cut himself off as he clenched his jaw. “Tryin’ to find you these last few months.” 

“Is that all it is?” Tommy asked, and the line between Joel’s eyebrows deepend in confusion. “You and Juliet were just travelin’ together, nothin else?” 

“What the fuck are you gettin at?” Joel demanded roughly. 

Tommy sighed again. “She’s young, Joel,” he said sharply, “too young.” 

Joel felt like he’d been punched. 

Of course, he knew that Juliet was younger than him, but what did it matter? He’d tried to resist her for so long and knew it was a waste of time. Juliet wanted him and he wanted her, that was all he needed to know. 

“She must be, what? Twenty-five?” Tommy continued despite Joel’s pointed silence. 

Joel flinched. 

He didn’t know for certain, but he assumed around that age. 

“Enough,” Joel nearly growled when his defences rose again. “You have no idea what you’re talkin’ about.” 

He was getting sick of this conversation and seeing the mix between pity and disgust in his brother’s eyes. So he turned, and stormed towards the door. 

Joel heard Tommy’s footsteps thundering after him and he turned before his brother could grab his shoulder. Joel was seething, his chest moved up and down with the force of his rage. 

“Joel, stop. I’m sorry, okay? I just wanna make sure you know what you’re doin’” Tommy insisted. 

“Don’t need your advice,” Joel ground out. “Juliet is none of your concern.”

Tommy winced, then nodded, and the guilt in his eyes deepened. With one last look at his younger brother, Joel turned again to leave. 

“I’m gonna be a father,” Tommy announced quickly, halting Joel’s movements. 

Joel’s face was an impenetrable mask but underneath his skin, his heart stopped.

“Maria’s a few months along now,” Tommy continued with the hint of a smile approaching his mouth, as though he couldn’t keep his joy contained. 

Joel said nothing. 

“To be honest,” he said with a laugh, “I'm scared to death. But I don’t know, I feel like I’d be a good dad.”

Joel’s ears were ringing, he barely remembered coughing out a quiet “Guess we’ll find out.” 

“ I guess we’ll find out?” Tommy echoed. “Is that all you got?” 

What did he want from him? Joel thought. First, Tommy accuses him of taking advantage of Juliet… and now this? 

Joel had no room for words of support or confidence for his brother, because the only thing he could see standing in front of him was a little girl with dark brown curly hair and a smile that haunted every dream he’d had for twenty years.

Sarah . 

His daughter’s name entered his mind like the sharpest knife. 

“What else am I supposed to say?” Joel argued, but his voice sounded like it was underwater. 

Tommy scoffed. “Congratulations for a start?” he said.

Joel couldn’t really hear him over the sound of his breath in his ears. Everything was muffled and he struggled to make sense of anything. 

All he could see was his daughter’s eyes. 

“I gotta go,” Joel murmured before he found the door handle and practically stumbled out onto the street. 

Tommy didn’t follow. 

Joel had lost all sense of direction and his heart was beating dangerously fast. It felt like every terrible thing that had happened to him in the last twenty years just crashed down on his shoulders… losing Sarah, Tommy abandoning him, Tess leaving… and every godawful thing he’d done because of it all. 

His feet moved without his brain’s instruction and suddenly Joel gripped a wooden post outside of the bar as his head dropped onto the cold surface. 

He’s lost so much, he’d done too many terrible things… how could Joel possibly think he could make a life here? He didn’t deserve it. 

Juliet’s face flashed across his mind and Joel squeezed his eyes so tight it almost hurt.

If he let her in, if he admitted how deep his devotion to her was… she’d just end up being another name to add to his list. 

Joel had already almost got her killed. He’d allowed her to get shot in the shoulder, get trapped with that sick fuck Blake, cornered by groups of men, all while he was clearing the way to take her home to her abuser. And he’d left her there, in that house. 

The bullet wound on her shoulder, the bruises on her wrists and ankles, and the brand on her stomach… were all because of him. 

He couldn’t protect her. He was too old and too weak. 

If she stayed with him, she’d end up dead. 

Joel’s stomach churred at the memory of Juliet strapped to that metal chair, her head rolled back with blood pooling around her. 

He couldn’t face that again. Joel didn’t think his heart could handle it. 

Minutes later, when Joel pushed himself off the wooden post… a plan had formed in his mind. He felt sick to his stomach but his mind was made up. 

Joel couldn’t be selfish with her.

She deserved a life free from bloodshed, she deserved a life untethered from him. 

When Joel’s footsteps began to slam off the concrete ground, he forced another mask onto his face, one which hid all the ways he cared for her and every ounce of mind-numbing fear which pulsed through his body. 

Juliet was an expert at wearing a mask, at hiding her emotions. Joel just hoped she wouldn’t see through his. 

…………………………………..

Juliet’s POV: 

Juliet could smell him on her clothes. 

Every time she moved, she smelled that deep musky smell and her heart beat a little quicker, as though she might turn around and find Joel standing behind her, ready to pull her back into his arms. 

Juliet stood in the kitchen of her new home, replaying the events of the night before, and that morning, in her head. When Joel had touched her, she’d forgotten about her father, she’d forgotten about Ethan, and every wound on her body. His presence healed her, keeping the monsters at bay for a while. 

And his touch… Juliet didn’t think she’d ever get enough. It was one thing to imagine, shamefully, what the evidence of Joel’s affection might feel like. It was another thing entirely to experience it first hand. 

He was rough and gentle and everything in between. His touch was frenzied and desperate and his mouth whispered words which made a flush rise on her face. 

She’d died on that couch when he’d dropped to his knees and his eyes had darkened almost beyond recognition. And her grave deepened when she felt him in her hand that morning. 

Juliet could no longer deny her feelings. She wanted him. She needed to feel his hand on the small of her back as they walked through the town and she needed his mouth on hers the minute they were behind closed doors.

Juliet’s guilt was almost non-existent. After her conversation with Ethan, Juliet felt freer than she had when she first fled her father’s community. She could care for Joel without restraint now, she no longer had to bury her feelings and pretend he didn’t consume her every thought. 

So, when Juliet heard the sharp knock on the door, she knew exactly who was waiting for her on the other side and her heart lurched with anticipation, rather than shame. 

“Joel,” she said breathlessly when the door swung open. 

His eyes dropped to hers with a wince, and Juliet’s stomach dropped. 

Her defences were still up from living outside of a fence for so long and she knew Joel too well to pretend that something hadn’t happened. 

Juliet looked behind her then stepped out the front door, shutting it behind her softly.

She curled her arms around her chest and blinked up at Joel. 

“What’s wrong?” she demanded. 

Joel didn’t answer, he just started walking down the porch steps, assuming she’d follow.

“Did something happen?” she asked louder as she raced to catch up with him.

When he didn’t stop, Juliet reached out and grabbed his arm, hoping to turn him around and read the expression on his face. But when her fingers touched the edge of his flannel, Joel’s entire body flinched and in one sudden movement… he shrugged off her touch. 

Juliet stumbled to a stop beside Joel. She didn’t even notice the frigid air as her heart beat so viciously fast. 

When her eyes found his again, they were entirely vacant as though he were staring at a stranger. Juliet’s eyebrows furrowed and her lips parted.

“Nothin’ happened,” he said quickly and looked away. But his gaze returned to her soon enough. Juliet’s eyes were glued to his face, analysing every microexpression. Something was off. 

“What -” she started to say, but was cut off. 

“We should talk about how this is gonna work,” he said coldly. 

Juliet’s fist clenched open and closed as she tried to figure out where this sudden attitude was coming from, and what Joel could possibly be talking about. 

“What?” she whispered. 

A muscle jumped in his tight jaw.

“If we’re gonna do this again, we gotta be quiet about it,” Joel said vacantly, and ran a hand over his face as though the conversation bored him, “don’t want anyone gettin the wrong idea.” 

“Probably best to use my place, what with Ethan at yours. Might get a bit messy,” he continued. His voice was dead, and his eyes looked entirely detached from his words. 

Juliet’s ears started to ring faintly. 

“Use it for what?” she asked slowly. 

Suddenly Joel’s eyes took on a cruel twist, which forced Juliet to involuntarily take a step back. His stare was like oil as it slid down her body, focusing on all the places he’d touched her the night before. Insead, this time, Joel didn’t look at her with near glossy eyes, he looked at her like she was an object. Something to use and discard, as though he’d had a taste and wanted to play with her for a second time before tossing her.  

Juliet felt sick, nausea rose quickly. 

“Come on,” he said with an almost threatening tilt of his head, “you know what I mean.”

Then, just as quick, rage started to build. 

“Was that all last night was to you?” she demanded, her voice rising, “and this morning?” 

“It was fun, Juliet,” Joel explained with a quirk of his mouth. “We can do it again, just gotta keep it between us.” 

His words were robotic but it didn’t stop the sharp feeling of mortification to hit her like a slap in the face. 

Her cheeks began to stain red as Juliet realised that everything she thought she’d seen in Joel’s eyes that morning, the night before, and almost every day they travelled together… had been entirely misread.

He didn’t want her, he just wanted her body. And now that he’d experienced it, why would he keep up the act? 

As Juliet tried to understand Joel’s sudden display of apathy, her mind screamed at her with memories of his constant protection and his whispered words on dark nights spent huddled together. Surely this couldn’t be the same man standing in front of her, saying such cruel things? 

Joel scanned her up and down again, then dug in the final knife. 

“I’ll leave the door open if ya change your mind,” he said with a shrug, as though the last few months on the road and the years working together in the QZ meant absolutely nothing. 

He thought she was just someone to sneak in his room at night, then kick her out in the morning. The man last night didn’t exist anymore… maybe he never did. 

The ringing in Juliet’s ears had grown louder and she opened her mouth to demand that he tell the truth, that he take back what he said, but nothing would come out. 

He turned and started to walk back to his house next door, but then he stopped and Juliet watched as his hands curled into fists. She could have sworn she saw them tremble. But maybe it was just her mind playing tricks on her, like they apparently had been for months now. 

She thought he’d turn and come back to her, say that he was just joking and that she did mean something to him after all. 

But his head dropped low and he started to walk again, quicker this time and with harsher footsteps. 

Juliet stood motionless as he left her standing in the cold.

She could feel her heart fracturing in the frigid air.

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Feel free to scream at me in the comments - I deserve it 💔

(also, I've finally caught up with all the chapters I have on ao3 currently, so updates will be slower from now on - probably every 1-2 weeks)

___________________________

@amyispxnk @http-paprika @shotgun-shelby @weeping-werewolf

#joel miller #joel miller x original character #joel miller smut #joel miller x reader #joel miller x oc #joel miller x female oc #joel miller fanfic #joel miller angst #joel miller hbo #ao3 fanfic #joel miller fic #pedro pascal #tlou #joel tlou #the last of us #the last of us hbo #tlou hbo #Spotify

[cinnamongorll]

a fragile line - chapter 26

read on ao3! (117k words) | previous chapter | next chapter | masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female OC

Series tags: extreme slow burn, age gap, older man/younger woman, protective joel, jealous joel, hurt/comfort, pov third person, mutual pining, angst, sexual tension, friends to lovers, canon-typical violence, feral joel, parental abuse, eventual smut.

Series synopsis: three years ago, Juliet escaped her father's religious survivor camp, ending up in the Boston QZ. Juliet created a life for herself in Boston, desperate to forget the trauma of her upbringing. One day, Juliet arrives home to find a mysterious letter which forces her to return to her home town. Juliet can't travel the harsh post-apocalyptic landscape alone, so she enlists the help of the grumpy and, at times, frightening man she works alongside: Joel Miller.

Chapter warnings: smut, age gap (older man/younger woman), oral (f receiving), fingering.

Word count: 5.3k

Chapter 26

Juliet's POV:

Juliet didn’t hesitate as she brought her lips to Joel’s.

And neither did he. 

It was as if they were back in that dark office surrounded by clickers, or back on the cold floor with Joel’s blood staining Juliet’s hands. It was as if he had never stopped touching her… 

Joel released her name in a guttural groan as his large hand slid feverishly around her body and up the back of Juliet’s top, roaming over her burning skin. Joel flattened his rough fingers against the imprint of her spine, tightened his hold on her waist and swept Juliet inside the house.

Juliet stumbled, nearly tripping over the entryway, but Joel never ceased his attack on her lips. Juliet thought she was in control… but she was wrong. Joel’s lips swept over hers as he blindly reached his free hand out to slam the front door. Then he removed his hand from her back, shifted both hands to either side of her waist and pushed her against the closed door… hard. 

Juliet gasped into Joel’s open mouth as her back hit the cold wood, sending a shiver up her spine.

The casual display of Joel’s strength ignited something inside her and Juliet reached down to curl the tips of her fingers around Joel’s belt, pulling him even closer as their lips continued to crash over each other. It was messy and raw and frenzied… 

And then, as quickly as it started… it stopped.

Joel wrenched himself from her, taking two steps back. His breaths were rough and his skin was coated in a sheen of sweat as he scanned all the way down her body with the intensity of a man starved. Then his head whipped to the side and he ran a hand down his face. Juliet swore she saw his fingers tremble. 

Juliet whined when his lips left hers and she reached her hands behind her, stabilising herself on the wooden door as she struggled to catch her breath. 

“Joel,” she breathed. Juliet wasn’t sure whether to scream at him for stopping or beg on her knees for his forgiveness. 

When his hand dropped from his face and his eyes found their way back to her, Juliet expected to see anger simmering in his gaze, but instead, she saw only hunger.

But he didn’t say anything. He stood so still, just staring back at her with their heavy breaths the only sound in the dimly lit room. 

Having lost her nerve in the absence of Joel’s touch, Juliet slowly slid her hand across the door behind her, subtly reaching for the handle. Joel’s gaze was so heavy and she knew that every slight movement she made would be dissected in that inscrutable head of his. 

“Don’t you dare,” he growled. 

Juliet froze, her hand hovered over the handle, not daring to actually make contact with the metal after his cold warning met her ears. Her eyes flashed to him and Joel took a step forward. Involuntarily, Juliet pressed herself harder against the door, trying to make herself as small as possible. His walk was so menacing and his actions were so unpredictable. This was uncharted territory and it frightened Juliet that her heart quickened and her thighs squeezed together as he moved closer. She should be afraid, not unbelievably aroused. 

One blink later and Joel was towering over Juliet with his hand pinned against the door, right next to her head. She swallowed rough and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. Joel’s gaze dropped to her lips so suddenly, Juliet almost flinched. 

“What are you doin’ here?” he asked roughly. His voice was so low as he moved his mouth down closer to her ear. Joel’s nose nudged against her hair and Juliet heard him inhale deeply before a groan rumbled in his throat. 

She had no answer for him. How could she explain everything that raged in her heart without scaring him off? 

Juliet just blinked up at him. “You know why,” she finally replied, her words dripping in the desire pumping in her bloodstream.

She watched Joel’s jaw move in response and felt the hand beside her head curl into a fist. Then his other hand moved from her waist up her body until it reached her throat. Joel’s hand circled her neck with unexpected gentleness and Juliet held her breath as she waited, her blood pounding in her ears. She held steady as his thumb began to softly swipe at the delicate skin, pushing down every instinct to flinch and move away from the man who looked down at her with burning hot desire lurking in his typically vacant eyes. 

Juliet wasn’t afraid of Joel’s touch, she craved it, welcoming the feeling of his calloused fingers grazing her skin. 

Then his thumb moved upwards, so slowly that Juliet hadn’t noticed his intention at first. Not until he began to push against the underside of her chin with increasing pressure until her entire face tilted up to meet his. His hot breath scalded her skin and Juliet’s mouth opened as his thumb continued its journey past her chin and onto her parted lips.

Juliet finally allowed her shaky breath to rush from her, indicating her reaction to Joel’s touch. But he didn’t stop. It was like he was in a trance. His thumb pushed upwards until it dipped into her mouth, then he moved, dragging her trembling lip down as his hand traced back down her chin. 

Juliet gasped at the sensation and her fingers pressed hard against her legs to stop a moan from escaping her occupied lips. 

“I’m not good for you,” Joel warned darkly as his fingers returned to her throat. 

Juliet shivered. “I know,” she confessed. 

Something flickered in Joel’s eyes, something dangerous. 

He released her throat and dropped his hands to curl around the back of her thighs. His low groan echoed in the silent room as he lifted Juliet up until her legs circled around his waist and his lips returned to hers.

Juliet’s fingers instantly went to his hair and she began to pull at the damp strands, indicating he, too, made use of Jackson’s shower privileges. His smell was intoxicating.

As her other hand joined tugging on Joel’s hair, his kiss grew more and more heated and his tongue finally pried Juliet’s lips apart. 

Juliet moaned into his mouth with every hard push of his hips, pressing her back harder against the door. Joel never treated Juliet like she was broken or damaged, his touch always marked them as equals. 

The heat low in Juliet’s stomach was building and building… but she needed more. 

“Joel,” she moaned with a sharp tug on his hair.

Without warning, his lips left hers and Juliet almost cried out in protest, but they quickly returned when Joel latched his mouth onto her neck. His lips brushed her skin, roaming over her pulse.

“You have no idea what you do to me,” he groaned against her neck, breathing deeply again. 

Juliet pushed against him harder and felt the brutal imprint of his need for her press between her legs. In that moment, Juliet knew exactly what she did to him. 

But it still wasn’t enough.

With her chin tilted up towards the ceiling, as Joel continued his feverish exploration down the column of her throat, Juliet gasped and gripped Joel’s face with both hands until his pitch black eyes met hers. 

“Touch me,” she whispered.

“Where, baby?” he responded instantly, in a deep growl.

Juliet swallowed roughly as her hips continued to grind against his. 

“Everywhere.”

A slow smile slid across Joel’s mouth, but it didn’t meet his eyes. Joel’s eyes were utterly lethal. It was the same look she noticed in them when he’d kill whatever threat approached them on the road.

Maybe Juliet was his new target. 

“Hold on,” he cautioned, then his hands tightened on Juliet’s thighs and he began to turn, pulling her from the door. Juliet wrapped her arms tight around his neck. She trusted him completely. 

Her back hit the couch as a surprised gasp left her mouth. Joel towered over her, just watching as she writhed on the leather material. It looked like he was contemplating all the ways to meet her desperate request. But Juliet was sick of waiting.

“Joel, I swear if you don’t -”

Juliet’s voice cut off with a strangled cry as Joel joined her on the couch and dragged her onto his lap. 

“Don’t say another word,” he warned against her mouth, then his hands roamed up her back until he found the end of her braid. With a sharp tug, the hair tie came loose and Joel’s fingers untangled her hair. It fell around them like a curtain, darkening the expression on Joel’s face even further as the smell of her freshly washed hair surrounded them. 

For a moment, Joel’s hands didn’t move and Juliet held her breath as she waited to see what the new look in his eyes would bring. 

She didn’t have to wait long. 

Joel’s burning hot fingers moved to the back of her head and wrapped tight around her hair, then he pulled hard as a quiet snarl enveloped his lips. The feeling sent Juliet’s body into overdrive, her fingers trembled as they frantically gripped Joel’s shirt. 

Joel just laughed softly. 

Then he used his tight grip on her hair, and the force of his other hand, to push her off him and lay her down on the couch. Joel moved then, practically crawling over her body as he stared down at her trembling form. 

“You want me?” he demanded between heavy breaths. 

Juliet remembered his command and just nodded quickly as she lay under him. 

“Good,” was his only response before his quick fingers began to unbutton her jeans. 

Juliet realised she should have been more nervous. She’d been with men in the Boston QZ but they were never more than quick meetings in a dark apartment before she had to rush home with the threat of curfew hanging over her head. Those men were young and inexperienced, barely touching her before they got themselves off. 

But Joel wasn’t young, and she could tell from his practised movements that he definitely wasn’t inexperienced. 

“Lift your hips, baby,” he murmured as his hands finished unbuttoning her jeans.

Juliet responded to his request instantly and he tugged her jeans down below her knees. Goosebumps attacked her skin and she shivered under the heat of Joel’s stare. His eyes roamed over her skin as he ran a hand over his face. 

Juliet thought he might have cursed under his breath but she was too caught up in the feeling of watching him to be sure. 

“Sit up,” Joel commanded suddenly as he made his way off the couch. His demands were cold and unrelenting but they only turned her on more so she obeyed, swinging her legs off the couch. 

Then Joel did something Juliet never thought she’d see.

He dropped to his knees. 

As Juliet watched in shock, his hands gripped her bare thighs and pulled her towards him. 

Her vision turned blurry as Juliet felt his fingers tuck under her underwear and drag it down too, revealing a wetness between her legs that Juliet desperately tried not to be embarrassed by. 

“ Fuck .” 

This time Joel’s murmured curse was unable to be ignored and he shifted, adjusting his jeans as he silently examined the evidence of Juliet’s need for him. 

His fingers were rough against her soft skin as he gripped her knees and pushed them apart. 

His lips were just as rough as they pressed desperately against her skin from her knees and all the way up the inside of her thighs. 

Joel wasn’t gentle. 

Juliet’s head hit the back of the couch with the first swipe of his tongue between her legs, furiously gathering the wetness he found before he went back for more. Her eyes rolled back in her head when his tongue began to swirl around her clit and the most guttural moan escaped through her clenched teeth. 

Juliet felt Joel’s dark laugh vibrate against her and her hands shot to his hair, pulling and tugging on the strands. 

Juliet screamed when his teeth grazed over her and she writhed on the couch, clenching her legs together until Joel’s beard scraped against the inside of her thighs. The feeling only made her moan louder and some distant part of her brain worried what their new neighbours would think. But she realised very quickly that she didn’t care. 

Let them know what Joel did to her.

Juliet’s burning blood pumped through her body as Joel continued his frenzied exploration with his tongue. The heat building in the bottom of her stomach was almost painful as Juliet struggled to stay still under his touch. 

Her throat was dry and she panted out hoarse moans as Joel’s tongue moved faster and faster against her throbbing clit, responding to her noises with his own need to taste her. 

Juliet could feel herself approaching her limit as the sound of her blood began to roar in her ears, drowning out the cries from her mouth. 

“Joel,” she began to sob over and over. 

At the sound of his name, Joel shifted his mouth to the side and, without any sort of warning, bit down softly on the inside of her thigh. 

Juliet was on the edge, about to fall straight off when his, now occupied, tongue was replaced by the calloused feeling of his rough fingers. His thumb brushed against her clit as his index finger slowly dipped inside her.

“Fuck, Juliet,” he murmured against her thigh, as his middle finger joined in.

“Joel, I -” she panted. “I’m close.” 

He just tsked against her skin, biting down again as he added a third finger, stretching her so suddenly that Juliet’s back arched. 

“Not yet,” Joel growled. 

Juliet’s legs began to shake, indicating that she really couldn’t wait any longer. Joel must have realised this because his fingers thrusted in and out of her quicker than before. And in one final cruel movement he removed his lips from her thigh and returned to her aching clit. 

“ Now ,” he commanded in an almost illegible murmur against her burning hot skin.  

With one final cry, Juliet fell apart against Joel’s sadistic fingers. Bright lights danced across her shaky vision as her head dropped back against the couch and her breaths laboured from her chest. 

After a long moment, Juliet lifted her head, ignoring the dizziness that came with the movement and searched for Joel between her legs. 

He had rocked back on his heels and the fingers that had been inside her dropped to curl around her thigh. 

Juliet’s blood continued to rush in her ears as she leaned forward. With her trembling hand, she reached for Joel’s fingers still covered in her wetness. Juliet didn’t dare look in Joel’s eyes, lest she lose her nerve. She was still intoxicated by the feeling of falling apart against the hands she knew had the power to kill and maim. 

It shouldn't have made her feel the way it did, but the sight of his scarred hands and still injured knuckles had Juliet trembling again.  

Juliet gripped Joel’s hand and slowly lifted it to her mouth. 

Joel’s sharp intake of air revealed that he knew exactly what she was going to do. 

But he didn’t stop her. 

Carefully, Juliet wrapped her mouth around Joel’s large fingers and sucked hard. 

Then her eyes found his. 

Joel’s jaw was clenched so hard Juliet was surprised she didn’t hear his teeth cracking. He sat so unbelievably still, impersonating the most impressive Greek statue as his midnight gaze pierced her.  

Soon, Juliet removed his fingers from her mouth a loud pop and she watched with a sick satisfaction as Joel winced. 

A slow smile approached her mouth as Joel clenched his other hand tighter around her thigh. 

Then Juliet’s eyes dropped to the large bulge in his jeans and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth to stop another moan from slipping out. 

Joel ripped his hand from her hold and used his grip on her thigh to push himself up until he stood in front of her. Juliet couldn’t help that her stare immediately went to the tight strain on his jeans, now eye level with her. 

She licked her lips and reached across the space between them. Her eyes didn’t leave Joel’s as her fingers brushed against the bulge in his jeans -

Her heartbeat faltered when Joel’s hand quickly wrapped around her wrist, pausing her cautious movement. 

With a slight shake of his head, Joel dropped Juliet’s hand back on her lap and as she blinked up at him, she was surprised to see something resembling shame… or guilt, swimming in his eyes. 

Her eyebrows furrowed as she waited to uncover whatever thoughts were raging in his head. 

But he revealed nothing. Instead, Joel bent down again with a quiet groan and carefully tugged her jeans and underwear back up her legs and over her hips. His touch was so gentle, so at odds with the red marks his teeth left on her thighs.

Juliet’s hands quickly went to button them, suddenly embarrassed. 

When she was dressed, Joel stood and turned sharply before he took off across the room, running his hand through his messed up hair. 

A pain like no other pierced Juliet’s chest and she stumbled to her feet, chasing after him around the coffee table and into the kitchen. Her legs were like jelly but she kept going. 

“Joel, please. Stop,” Juliet pleaded as her hand found his shoulder.

Maybe he didn’t feel the same way? Did he think this was a mistake? 

As soon as her hand made contact Juliet was forcefully pinned against the wall behind her, with Joel’s face so close that she wouldn’t have had to move at all to press her lips to his. Her eyes were wide as she attempted to reach for his face. 

Joel’s hands caught her wrists and pressed them against the wall as a shaky breath left his mouth, then his eyes shuttered closed.

“Enough,” he begged. 

Blood rushed to Juliet’s face, staining her cheeks with a mark of her mortification. 

“I’m sorry. I - I shouldn’t have -”

“Shhh,” he murmured softly as his grip on her wrists eased. “We have to stop.” 

It took a few moments for his words to register. 

“You don’t want me?” she croaked out. 

Instantly, Joel’s body stilled and he scoffed, turning to the side as his eyes flashed open. When his gaze returned to hers, it had softened. 

“You know that’s not true,” Joel murmured as he pressed himself against her. Juliet squirmed, trying desperately to create some friction. But Joel pushed away, while he still keept a firm hold on her wrists.

Even in the dim lighting, Juliet watched the line between his eyebrows deepen and his stare dip to her swollen lips. 

“You’re tired,” he observed.

“I’m not,” Juliet argued immediately. 

Joel’s head tilted to the side and his fingers flexed over her wrist as amusement began to shimmer in his eyes. 

“Don’t lie to me,” he whispered against the side of her head. Juliet shivered as his command met her ears. “You’re exhausted and you’re injured. This goes no further tonight,” he ordered. 

Joel’s words were so cold that Juliet would have assumed their close proximity had absolutely no effect on him, if it weren’t for the feeling of his racing heart against her chest. 

Another protest formed on Juliet’s lips as her eyes begged him to reconsider. Joel didn’t even let her get a word out before he swung her legs around his waist again and walked back to the living room as if she weighed nothing at all. 

Joel dropped her on the couch and slowly pulled off her new boots, resting them next to the couch. Then, he reached behind him to grab the blanket placed over the back of it and spread it across her body, even making sure to tuck in the edges. Juliet couldn’t help but roll her eyes with a quiet smile. 

When he was satisfied, Joel stepped back and glanced down at her with the same heat she saw only minutes earlier when he was on his knees before her. This time, he didn’t do anything about it, he just scratched his neck and moved to turn away from her.

“Stay,” Juliet breathed. 

Joel stopped, yet he didn’t turn back around. 

“Please,” she pleaded, louder this time. Juliet worried that if Joel left the room he would never return. After months together, Juliet couldn’t imagine spending a night without him. Especially after what they’d just done. 

Finally, he turned and the slight dip of his chin was the only indication that he agreed to her request. Juliet watched as his throat moved and his hands flexed before he moved to the side of the couch where her head rested. In the most gentle of movements, Joel cupped his hand under her head and lifted it from the couch as he slid onto the seat and placed it back onto his lap. 

He said nothing as he sat down. Joel only rested a hand on Juliet’s shoulder and began to move his thumb in a soothing motion, back and forth. 

The rollercoaster of a day crashed over Juliet as soon as her head met Joel’s thigh. Maybe Joel was right: she was exhausted. 

As his other hand began to run through her hair, Juliet’s eyes shuttered closed. Her mind began to fade with the onset of sleep and, for the first time in a long while, she didn’t fear what waited behind her eyelids. 

…………………………….

When Juliet woke up, she wasn’t on Joel’s couch. 

In fact, she wasn’t on any couch. She was in a bed. 

Bright white light filtered through the sheer curtains to her left and Juliet flung a hand over her eyes in protest. She groaned, turning her head to the side as she sunk deeper into the pillow. 

Sleep threatened to take her again before a sharp pang of fear attacked her brain. 

Juliet’s eyes flashed open and she sat up on the bed. The action was far too sudden for her and Juliet’s head dropped to her hands as she waited for the dizziness to recede. 

Was this Joel’s room? Through the gaps in her fingers, Juliet examined her surroundings. Dark wood furniture, navy bedding, and on the bedside cabinet lay a glass of water. 

Suddenly, her mouth was incredibly dry and Juliet reached for the water, downing it in large gulps. 

As the back of her hand wiped against her mouth, Juliet swung her feet over the side of the bed and returned the glass to the cabinet. 

The thought of Joel sent butterflies soaring to her stomach. Juliet couldn’t decide whether she was terrified, excited, or utterly mortified at the thought of facing him. She could still feel his mouth between her legs and the imprints of his teeth on her skin. 

Her eyes squeezed closed. She forced herself to send those images to the back of her mind as she headed to the bedroom door and forced it open. The house was silent as Juliet made her way down the stairs.

When she reached the bottom, Juliet paused, listening for any sign of Joel but she heard nothing. Multiple questions swirled in her head as she walked through the living room. Juliet’s face burned as she passed the couch. 

Then, just as she was going to retreat back upstairs, Juliet heard a crash from the kitchen. Having lived in a state of utter terror for the past few months, Juliet didn’t hesitate. She darted to retrieve her knife from her boot left beside the couch and followed after the sound.

She entered the kitchen in absolute silence. Without her boots, Juliet’s footsteps were ghostly. Her knife was gripped tight in her hand as she rounded the corner and found… Joel? 

He stood with his back to her as he gripped the handle of a frying pan over the hob. He had changed his shirt and now wore a dark green button up which Juliet tried not to obsess over. She watched him for a moment longer before she cleared her throat and lowered the knife in her hand.

Joel whirled immediately, slamming the flying pan back onto the hob. With wide eyes, he scanned Juliet until his gaze reached her knife and a lazy grin approached the corner of his mouth. 

“Were you gonna stab me?” he asked as he gestured with his spatula at the weapon still tucked in her hand. 

Juliet raised it and began to whirl the knife between her fingers. 

“Maybe,” she taunted with raised eyebrows. 

Joel looked at her for a long moment, following the quick movement of her fingers then shook his head and turned back to the stove with a hint of a smile on his face. When Joel’s back was turned, Juliet’s face split into a grin as her anxiety began to ease. 

“Take a seat,” Joel ordered over his shoulder. “Food’s almost ready.” 

Juliet stepped forward and sunk into a wooden chair, placing her knife on the kitchen table. 

“Food?” she asked. Juliet tried to smell what he was cooking but it was no use. 

Instead of replying, Joel walked over with a steaming plate. Juliet’s head tilted up to meet he placed the plate in front of her on the table. Joel didn’t meet her eyes but he lingered longer than necessary when he leaned down. 

“Are these eggs?” Juliet gasped out. “Where did you get them?” 

Joel tapped his fingers against his legs and lifted his shoulders in a lazy shrug. “Not in Kansas anymore, Juliet” he mocked, then crossed his arms over his chest as his expression turned more serious and the amusement died out in his eyes. “Eat.” 

Juliet picked up the fork but a vision of yesterday’s failed meal sparked in her brain and her fork clattered back onto the table. 

“I can’t,” she whispered in defeat. 

Juliet knew she was hungry, starving even; her dizziness was the first of many signs, yet she still couldn’t bring herself to eat the perfect meal on the perfect plate in front of her. 

“Why?” Joel demanded. His voice was hard and his question was forceful but Juliet could hear his concern softening the cadence of his words. 

Juliet debated whether to tell him the truth. She didn’t want to expose another one of her weaknesses. Her father had ruined so much of her life, and now his memory kept her from enjoying even the small parts of the new one she was trying to build. 

But Joel saved her from her father, and he hadn’t flinched at her weaknesses yet. Joel had seen every part of her, the good and the bad, and he hadn’t run away. Surely this confession was no different. 

“My father,” Juliet explained softly as she raised her hands to curl around the edge of the table. “He, uh, was very controlling. He decided what I wore, who I spoke to, what I ate and when I ate.” 

“He would always place an empty plate in front of me and force me to wait until he decided that I deserved to eat,” Juliet continued, her voice had quietened even further and she felt Joel lean in to hear the rest of her words. “Sometimes, that time never came.”

“It’s silly, but now when I see a plate I can just feel my father watching me. Like he’s waiting for me to mess up and pull it away before I can take a bite.” 

Juliet paused, and dared a glance up at Joel’s face. His stare bore into her and she watched as the hands crossed over his chest curled into tight fists. 

“I guess I just don’t feel like I deserve it. I mean, I’ve done terrible, awful things since I left him,” Juliet murmured, looking away as she felt tears begin to prick at her eyes. 

“Don’t,” Joel ordered. “Don’t do that.” 

“But what if it’s true? Look at this place,” Juliet argued, raising her hands to indicate the house they currently sat in. “How can I live here and eat their food, knowing what I’ve done?”

Maybe Maria’s words from yesterday had dug deeper than she realised. 

Joel shook his head and turned, heading back to the stove. Juliet’s head dropped and the tears that had built in her eyes began to drip onto her lap. She didn’t deserve Joel either… and he knew it. 

How could she ruin this moment? Joel had looked almost happy when she walked into the kitchen and now he couldn’t even look at her. 

Juliet jumped when the frying pan clattered onto the table in front of her, where her plate of scrambled eggs had been only moments ago. Open mouthed in shock, Juliet’s head slowly tilted up to meet Joel’s warm eyes. His eyebrows were furrowed but his stare no longer radiated any anger, just a cautiously open expression. He looked almost nervous. 

“No plate,” he said casually. “Eat.” 

Juliet glanced down and realised that the frying pan was filled with Joel’s share of the scrambled eggs he hadn’t plated up yet. 

She wanted to laugh. It was so absurd, but it shook Juliet from her past and forced a warm blush to build in her cheeks. Her eyes widened further when Joel sat in the seat across from her and dug into his own serving. 

Slowly, she nodded and picked up her fork. With trembling fingers, Juliet pierced a bit of egg and brought it to her mouth. She didn’t look away from Joel as the egg settled on her tongue and she finally swallowed her first taste of food in days. 

Joel’s body visibly relaxed when he watched her swallow and his gaze lingered on her throat a moment longer. Juliet thought back to the way his hand had wrapped around it the night before and she nearly coughed out the egg in her mouth. 

Joel raised his eyebrows as though he knew exactly what she was thinking. 

Juliet couldn’t help it… she smiled. Joel looked startled and his fork hovered over the remainder of his food. They were caught in each other’s gazes and Juliet wondered if they would ever be able to free themselves. 

Then there was a knock at the door. 

Joel lept up immediately and Juliet reached for her knife. Old habits die hard.

Their breakfasts lay abandoned as Joel quietly stalked towards the front door with Juliet tip toeing behind him. 

When he reached the handle, he looked over his shoulder and seemed irritated to find Juliet nearly pressed against his back, then he shook his head and turned the handle of the door he had thrown Juliet against the night before. 

Maria stood on his porch, her hand raised towards the door as though she was about to knock again. 

“Oh,” she gasped as she met Joel’s furious stare, then she steadied herself. “I thought we could talk...” 

Her words trailed off when she noticed Juliet standing behind him, close enough that they were almost touching. 

Maria frowned as her shocked gaze scanned Juliet’s dishevelled appearance and then back up at Joel. 

“But I can see you’re busy,” Maria said with a tight smile, more like a grimace. “I’ll come back later.”

And then she was gone, but not before she met Juliet’s eyes one more time. All Juliet could see in her dark brown gaze was disappointment. 

Juliet shifted on her feet as Joel closed the door and stormed back to the kitchen, then her hands reached up and tucked her messy hair behind her ears, hoping to make herself look a little more presentable. 

Before Juliet returned to the kitchen, she gazed behind her at the closed door as though she could still see Maria standing there with judgement in her eyes. 

Then, Juliet tilted her head up, slid her knife into her back pocket and made her way back to the man waiting for her in the kitchen.

_________________________

@amyispxnk @shotgun-shelby @weeping-werewolf @http-paprika

#joel miller #joel miller x female oc #joel miller x reader #joel miller x original character #joel miller x oc #joel miller fanfic #joel miller angst #joel miller hbo #ao3 fanfic #joel miller fic #joel miller smut #joel smut #the last of us #tlou #tlou hbo #joel tlou #pedro pascal #Spotify

[cinnamongorll]

a fragile line - chapter 25

read on ao3! (117k words) | previous chapter | next chapter | masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female OC

Tags: extreme slow burn, age gap, older man/younger woman, protective joel, jealous joel, hurt/comfort, pov third person, mutual pining, angst, sexual tension, friends to lovers, canon-typical violence, feral joel, parental abuse, eventual smut.

Series synopsis: three years ago, Juliet escaped her father's religious survivor camp, ending up in the Boston QZ. Juliet created a life for herself in Boston, desperate to forget the trauma of her upbringing. One day, Juliet arrives home to find a mysterious letter which forces her to return to her home town. Juliet can't travel the harsh post-apocalyptic landscape alone, so she enlists the help of the grumpy and, at times, frightening man she works alongside: Joel Miller.

Word count: 6.8k

I really love this chapter <3

Chapter 25

Juliet's POV:

“C’mon,” Joel murmured. The sound of his deep voice rushed over her, sending a chill up her spine. The hand that curled around Juliet’s upper arm eased and slid from her, yet she could still feel the heat from his rough fingers staining her skin. 

Juliet blinked and her head dipped in a slow nod, still caught in the surprise of his sudden presence outside the door. Joel watched her for another few seconds before he scratched his neck and turned, walking back to the waiting area. Juliet followed close behind, curling her fingers around the sleeves of her jacket. 

“All good?” Tommy asked as they entered the room. He stood beside the fire and the glow from the flames illuminated the rich brown of his hair and painted his cheeks in a soft red. Juliet was startled by the similarities in the brothers’ features, despite their difference in age. But Tommy’s mouth wasn’t quite twisted into the same permanent snarl and his eyes didn’t house the same cold cynicism. Juliet wondered what had forced them apart for so long.

After a moment, Juliet realised that the eyes of the three men were turned on her, awaiting a response. She swallowed and cleared her throat. “All good,” Juliet confirmed with a quiet voice, not daring to risk a glance at Joel. 

From his position leaning against the back wall, Ethan scanned her up and down with a detached expression. She gave him a small smile in return of his concerned gaze and the dread in her stomach eased slightly when his lips curled to match. He was handling this well: leaving home and now entering an entirely new community. 

“Y’all hungry?” Tommy asked in a slightly awkward but cheerful tone as he rubbed his hands together over the fire, pulling Juliet’s focus away from Ethan. 

Beside her, Joel nodded, uttering a “sure” under his breath before his eyes darted to Juliet. 

Juliet’s stomach rumbled at the thought and she stepped forward, heading towards her backpack on the chair, but before her hand could enclose around the strap, a larger hand gripped the rough material and pulled it away from her. Juliet stood with her hand outstretched and her body frozen. Her head slowly tilted upwards to see the back of Joel’s head as he walked towards the, now open, door with her backpack slung over his shoulder along with his own, following after Tommy and Ethan.

What? 

Juliet shook herself from her stunned pose and sped after Joel, stumbling outside into the bitter air and unconsciously pulling the jacket he gifted her more tightly around herself. “Joel,” she breathed as she caught up to him, tugging on his arm. Juliet had no shame about touching Joel now, not after everything they’d been through, not after everything they’d done. 

Though his touch still burned, it was a welcome fire, one that Juliet had started herself. 

When Joel turned, his face was already pinched into his usual furrowed brow and clenched jaw, as though he had expected her frantic reaction and had prepared himself accordingly. But he didn’t say anything, he just looked down at her with that same scrutinising gaze that made Juliet’s mouth dry. 

She licked her lips, attempting to bolden herself for a confrontation, then she straightened her back and held her hand out, with the palm facing upwards. “My bag?” she requested in a firm, even tone. 

Joel’s eyebrows rose. 

“No,” he responded with the hint of a smirk lingering around his mouth, then attempted to turn, ready to continue after Tommy and Ethan.

But Juliet was too quick.

“No?” she hissed, as her grip on his arm tightened, forcing Joel to face her again. “What do you mean ‘no’?” Juliet demanded. 

“I mean,” Joel began before his eyes darted to her hand clenched around his arm and his mouth gaped in response. “I mean that you’re not gettin’ it back,” he announced, then shrugged off her grip and walked away with his usual rigorous stride and a shake of his head.

Dumfounded, Juliet continued after him. “I appreciate the chivalry,” Juliet said, breathless as she struggled to keep up. “But I can carry my own bag,” she insisted with a dark edge to her tone.  

“I know you can,” Joel grumbled beside her, continuing to face forward, not making eye contact. 

After releasing an embarrassingly aggravated sound, Juliet’s steps finally slowed, falling behind the men. Was this another part of Joel’s unearthed protectiveness? Carrying her bag for her?She knew that Joel was older than her, but this idea of chivalry was ancient. First, giving her his jacket… and now this? 

For a moment, standing there on Jackson’s main street, watching as Joel, Tommy and Ethan continued on ahead, Juliet felt a wave of annoyance wash over her. She didn’t want to be weak, she didn’t want to be injured, she didn’t want to be the kind of person who needed her bag carried for her. Her fingers curled into her palms, and her broken nails pressed against the reminder of every other time she had ever felt powerless. 

Joel’s assumption of her fragility had ruptured that anxiety. 

But, Juliet began to ask herself: had he taken her bag, or given her his jacket, because he believed she was fragile? Or, had he done those things out of a care for her that went beyond their current companionship? Was this Joel’s true personality shining through, now that they were behind the protection of Jackson’s fence, where outward threats were limited? 

Joel was never a man of words; his actions always said what he could not. 

As Juliet began walking again, strengthening her shaky stride to match the legs of the man she knew had actively slowed down for her, she allowed that flash of annoyance to fade away into a comforting warmth in the pit of her stomach. She watched as Joel tightened the strap of her backpack on his shoulder and, as Juliet pulled his jacket closer to fight off the bitter chill, she felt only a warm blush approach her cheeks and a feeling within herself that the man beside her felt something for her, far beyond what his grunts and glares could ever truly articulate. 

—------------------------------------------------------------

“There’s more if you need it,” Maria said quietly, as her gaze locked onto the men in front of her who ate with the rigour of starving dogs. 

Juliet mirrored Maria in her quiet shock as her head turned to the side to watch Joel enjoy his first proper meal in months. 

But she didn’t join him. 

Juliet’s food sat uneaten on the checked table cloth in front of her. It was warm, so warm that steam arose from it. And her stomach rumbled at the sight, clenching so hard that it pained her. Yet she could not bring herself to actually bring her fork to her mouth, instead, she swirled it around her plate, shifting food from one side to the other. 

Worse than the pang of hunger was the guilt that wrapped tight around Juliet’s chest as the food on her plate remained uneaten. How many people would literally kill for this meal? In fact, only days ago, Juliet probably would have killed for this meal. So why couldn’t she eat it? 

“Thank you, ma’am,” Joel murmured between bites of food, nodding politely at Maria who continued to watch him with stunned intensity. She smiled back, but it was tight and forced, then her eyes darted to Tommy who sat at the head of the table with his hands folded under his chin. 

‘Ma’am’? Who was this man? Was this a glimpse of Joel Miller before the outbreak: chivalrous and polite?  

“We can get you somethin’ else, Juliet,” Tommy offered, gesturing to her untouched plate of food. Juliet startled, tightening her grip on her fork as she forced her gaze to meet Tommy’s. Behind him, tables of people sat with smiles on their faces, enjoying their food between laughs. Lights hung from the exposed wooden beams above, shimmering every member of the community centre in a warm, twinkling glow as the light of the day faded outside. 

Juliet’s chest felt tight and, instead of answering Tommy, she closed her eyes for a brief second, desperate to clear her cloudy mind. Her eyelids shut… and she wasn’t in Jackson anymore. 

Juliet was back in her father’s community, sat at the top table as he addressed his loyal followers. As always, her father towered over her, making his presence known as his stare fell on Juliet’s cowering figure. She kept her head tilted down, not daring to meet his eyes as he continued to demonstrate his power in the community. Her meagre bowl of food waited for her father to find the members of his community worthy of eating it. Juliet prayed her stomach wouldn’t scream in protest. That would earn a slap. Her stomach didn’t tell her when it was time to eat, her father did. But she hadn’t eaten in days and, as the smell of the meat approached her nose again, her stomach rumbled. Juliet’s fingers trembled as she waited for the blaze of pain across her cheek - 

A large, warm hand gripped her thigh, pulling Juliet from her memories. 

Her eyes shot open, darting to the man who sat beside her. Joel’s eyes focused entirely on her face, as his meal lay forgotten on the table. Joel’s expression wasn’t guarded, it was wide open, displaying only a fierce concern for the woman beside him and a dark rage at whatever had pulled her focus away. Juliet’s gaze moved from his face, to his rigid shoulders, and all the way down his arm to the fingers that were now wrapped around her thigh. 

Her mouth fell open and Joel’s stare dropped to her parted lips as his jaw shifted. His hand lay heavy on her thigh, pushing down to make his presence known. 

Juliet thought that she was getting used to Joel’s touch. But she was wrong. Because, in this moment, as his fingers curled tighter around her thigh, every nerve in Juliet’s body came alive. Her heartbeat picked up and her leg began to tremble under his touch. 

Then she remembered where she was, and who she was with. Juliet pulled her focus from the deep concern swimming in Joel’s dark eyes. Embarrassment flooded her. Juliet was desperate to apologise, to say anything to explain her strange silence. But nothing would come out. So many faces stared back at her, and this building looked so much like her father’s. Juliet slowly placed her fork back on the table in the practised, silent way she had learned all those years ago, and readied herself to push away from the table, to escape.

Until Ethan’s words cut through her panic…

“He’s not here... you’re safe,” he said softly from across the tables, barely audible amid the chatter that filled the hall. 

Juliet froze, her hands paused, hovering over the tablecloth before returning to her lap. Joel’s hand hadn’t moved and her fingers rested over his. He stilled beside her, then his palm shifted, flipping around to enlace Juliet’s fingers with his own. Juliet’s eyes shot to his face but his expression hadn’t changed, there was no hint that he felt the same electricity as she did. 

As she began to process Ethan’s words and Joel’s unexpected touch, Juliet felt the terror in her chest start to slow to a steady dread. 

“I know. I’m sorry,” she whispered, blinking up at Tommy and Maria who looked back with such understanding on their faces that Juliet wanted to crawl under the table and wither in her shame. 

“Don’t apologise,” Maria urgered in a gentle voice before her eyes fell to Joel’s arm which clearly met Juliet’s under the table. Her eyebrows furrowed at the sight, but then she swallowed, caught Tommy’s surprised gaze with her own, then turned back to Juliet.

“Sometimes a warm meal is a shock to the system after being out there,” she assured Juliet. “Some of our residents lived on raw vegetables for their first couple months here,” Maria said with a laugh, then her face turned serious and she waited until Juliet’s eyes met her own. “You take it a day at a time.” 

Juliet nodded instantly, encouraged by Maria’s confident words. But it was the warm touch of Joel’s hand under the table that allowed her to take a deep breath and tuck that memory of her father back within the rotten part of her mind. 

Beside her, Joel cleared his throat and leaned back in his seat. Before now, Juliet hadn’t noticed the look of irritation on his face, and as she looked around the table she realised that it was directed at Maria. The town’s leader returned his scowl with one of her own.

Tommy looked between the two of them and cleared his throat. “I think maybe y’all - “

“Ma’am,” Joel interrupted his brother, still staring at Maria. This time, the ‘ma’am’ no longer sounded genuine, it was laced with bitter sarcasm.

“We’re grateful for your hospitality and all,” he continued then turned his pointed stare to face Ethan as well. Joel waited until Ethan raised his head before continuing. “But it’d be nice to have a moment here, maybe just for family,” Joel finished, gesturing towards his brother with a tilt of his head. 

Now, this was the Joel that Juliet knew. 

Ethan looked from Joel to Juliet and then down to where their arms met under the table. He shifted, dropping his fork to the table with a clatter and leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. Clearly, Ethan wasn’t moving for anything. 

Juliet’s mouth dropped open again and her eyes darted between every person at the table in shock. Joel was never one to soften his commands. 

But this wasn’t his territory. 

“Well,” Tommy murmured as he rubbed a hand over his mouth in a gesture so similar to Joel’s. Everyone turned to look at him, and Juliet felt Joel’s grip tighten on her hand. She hadn’t realised until now that Joel hadn’t tried to kick her from the table…

“Maria isfamily, actually,” his brother continued in a firm voice, shifting his gaze from Joel to Maria, then he reached his hand over the tablecloth to grip his wife’s. 

Juliet almost choked. Not just from surprise, but also from Joel's vice-like grip. Juliet shifted, removing her hand from his and sliding it over to his thigh, where she spread her fingers over the worn material of his dark jeans and rubbed the space above his knee in soothing circles, desperately trying to distract Joel from his anger. 

He shifted, unconsciously moving closer to her so that their legs pressed against each other. Joel’s face gave no hint that her gesture had worked. His anger simmered around him. 

“Congratulations,” Ethan coughed out. 

Maria gave him an awkward smile and let go of Tommy’s hand.

“How ‘bout a tour?” 

—--------------------------------------------------------

Jackson was incredible. 

It was all that Juliet could think as Tommy and Maria led them around their town. 

Joel kept his distance, choosing to hang back with Tommy in quiet conversation. Juliet felt the chill of his absence like losing the warmth of a bed on a cold morning. But she didn’t turn around, she didn’t reach for him. This wasn’t about her. Juliet and Ethan were lucky to be standing where they were. They had no ties to this place, no reason to be allowed to stay. 

“Well, I’m sure y’all would like a shower, some new clothes,” Maria’s voice broke the silence. They all stood in the town’s stables, admiring the horses. Maria had explained that they were used for patrol, where anybody willing and able could pair with another resident and patrol the outskirts of Jackson on a rota. Ethan had avoided eye contact after hearing about that. She had seen his face earlier, when they were in the clinic. There was almost a childlike wonder in his eyes as he inspected the various medical supplies. Ethan was well trained for many years by his father. Maybe there would be a future for him here with that skill set… but what did Juliet have to offer?  

She swallowed down her self-doubt and turned her head around to Maria, patting the horse goodbye. “That’d be amazing,” Juliet responded with her latest attempt at a smile. She couldn’t help but feel a sort of giddiness at the idea of a shower. She hadn’t felt clean in months, and hadn’t showered since that night at Bill and Frank’s. 

“We’ve only got two houses available just now, we’re workin’ on building some more,” Tommy explained as he leaned against the entrance to the barn, crossing his hands over his chest. Joel stood beside him, lingering in the doorway. Ethan was beside her, patting the horse they admired together. 

“We can put Juliet and Ethan in the empty house across the street from us. Joel can go in the one next door to it,” Tommy announced with a sharp glance towards his brother. 

Juliet felt her stomach drop. Live… with Ethan? They still hadn’t talked things through. Juliet was afraid of what this would mean for him, what wrong ideas he might get… 

“They’re decent,” Tommy added after seeing the look on Joel’s face. Juliet was scared to meet his eyes. He had rested his hand on the wood of the entryway and Juliet was surprised it hadn’t cracked with the weight of his grip. 

His mood had darkened as they toured the town. His words were more cutting and his scowls were more frightening. Juliet didn’t know if it was his brother or the town that had soured his mood, but she was afraid to ask. 

“Pretty much untouched since ‘03, but they’ve got the heat goin’ in them,” Tommy continued, focusing entirely on Juliet and Ethan now, having decided that Joel was best left alone at his moment.

Juliet’s heart quickened at the news that she would not only be getting a shower, but a hot one. 

“Well, I’ll take Juliet and Ethan over there now if you two wanna catch up?” Maria suggested as she shared a knowing look with Tommy. He winced in response. 

As everyone around them began to shift, Joel finally looked over at Juliet. His stare drifted from her head all the way down to her ruined boots, then slowly made its way back up to her face. Juliet shifted under his gaze, pressing her fingers against her jeans to still their tremble. 

Then he nodded, swift and sudden, and turned, storming away from the barn. 

A breath of relief and confusion released from Juliet and she turned to Maria, smiling tightly and pretending that Joel’s attention had no effect on her.

With the look on Maria’s face, Juliet knew she wasn’t convinced.

In fact, as Juliet watched the woman for a moment longer, she realised that she was worried. 

—----------------------------------------------

Juliet’s shower was a little more difficult than she had anticipated. 

Maria showed them to their new house and pointed out all the bedrooms and bathrooms. Juliet’s worries had eased when she realised that there was more than one bedroom. She picked out one at the front of the house, where the window faced the street below. Maria had pointed out her own house just across the street, and Juliet admired the upkeep required to retain the beautiful blue panelling. 

After ushering Juliet and Ethan upstairs to shower, Maria announced that she would go get them new clothes. So, Juliet found her way to her new en suite and stripped off the clothes that had practically plastered themselves to her skin. 

She was ready to step under the steaming rush of water before she remembered the large bandage wrapped around her middle. With an annoyed groan, Juliet positioned herself to stick her head under the showerhead to wash the grease and grime from her hair, and she had to settle with a sponge bath for the rest. Charlotte had done such an excellent job cleaning and wrapping her burn, she didn’t want to risk messing it up. 

When she exited the bathroom, she found a plush grey robe on the bed, along with a hairbrush and a towel for her hair. Juliet’s eyes burned at the sight. 

She had barely tied the rope on her robe before she heard a quiet knock. Surprised, Juliet walked to the door with anxious steps, fearful of having a conversation she hadn’t prepared herself for. 

Her worries dissolved when she saw Maria on the other side. 

“Can I come in?” the woman asked, smiling when she noticed that Juliet wore her new robe. It was such a simple request, but Juliet felt overwhelmed.

This was her room now, and she had the power to grant entry. It was an incredible luxury to have a space she could truly call her own. It was what she missed most about Boston QZ. 

She nodded and Maria walked through the door with a pile of clothes in her hands. When she reached the bed, Maria spread the items across the space. There were new flannels, jeans, tank tops and pyjamas. Then, from under her arm she pulled a pair of new boots, dropping them on the floor beside the bed. 

Juliet felt faint and stumbled to sit on the edge of the bed. “These aren’t all for me, are they?” she asked as her eyes bounced between Maria and the clothes.

Maria laughed and nodded, crossing her arms over her chest as she stepped back from the bed. “It’s all yours. Just traded for it,” she confirmed. 

Juliet stilled. “I don’t have anything to give in return,” she explained, already making a mental list of the items left in her backpack. 

Maria shook her head. “It’s not necessary. We’ll assign you a job soon and you can begin contributing to the community that way.” 

“So, we can stay?” Juliet asked hesitantly, after a pause. 

“This can be a home for you, if you’d like it to be,” Maria vowed. 

Juliet just nodded and her gaze strayed to the window. Even from the second floor, Juliet hoped to catch sight of Joel’s return. It felt wrong to be apart. It was strange not to feel his sullen presence lingering behind her. 

“Thank you,” she said firmly, with genuine gratitude when her eyes returned to Maria. 

But the town’s leader no longer wore an expression of open kindness. She looked at Juliet with apprehension, with worry. 

“Listen, Juliet,” she began, stepping closer to the bed. “We need to talk about Joel,” Maria continued, raising her eyebrows as she looked down at Juliet. 

Juliet stilled, straightening her spine and bracing herself. It was strange how quickly her body reverted back into defence mode. It was almost as though that was its natural state.

“Look, I’m not gonna ask you what you’re doing with him,” Maria affirmed and as the words left her mouth, Juliet realised what this was: she was trying to warn her, to pass unwanted judgement on Joel, and Juliet’s connection to him. 

Juliet curled her hand into a loose fist and looked directly into Maria’s eyes, annoyance bubbling within her. “Good,” she replied coldly. 

Maria wasn’t surprised by Juliet’s frigid response and she continued as if she hadn’t heard her. “But there are clearly things you don’t know about Joel,” Maria taunted with an air of superiority. 

Juliet’s eyebrows instantly pinched together. 

“What? Is this about his past? How he used to kill people? I know about that,” Juliet attested, suddenly launching to her feet to make her point clear. She felt incredibly defensive of Joel. Mostly because whatever terrible things he had done, Juliet had done too. They were the same. Juliet knew a raider when she saw one. And she also knew the kind of man Joel was, and he didn’t deserve this judgement. 

“So you understand my concern,” Maria urged, trying to level with her.

Juliet wasn’t about to reassure Maria that Joel didn’t kill people anymore or that it was all in his past. Because that would be a lie. Joel killed people to survive. Killing was currency in this world. It was all Juliet knew after setting out on her own. 

Joel was dangerous, but she liked that about him. Because she was dangerous too. 

Juliet stepped closer to Maria. “Your concern is unnecessary, Joel isn’t going to kill anyone here,” she ground out slowly as her head tilted to the side, watching the flicker of several emotions pass across Maria’s face. 

“Maybe not here, but he has killed people before. Innocent people,” Maria declared, standing taller.

Juliet’s expression didn’t change. This wasn’t news to her. On the tip of her tongue lay the need to tell Maria that she’d killed innocents too, that she did what she had to do to survive and that she wouldn’t apologise for it.

Maybe some part of her was once ashamed of her actions, but survival is a very intense motivator to do terrible things, and not feel particularly bad about them. 

But she wouldn’t say any of that. 

Juliet respected Maria. She probably wouldn’t admit it in this particular moment but Juliet admired Maria, looked up to her even. And she wanted to stay here. She wanted to make Jackson a home. Juliet knew that her own survival instinct was hanging by a thread. If she was sent back out behind the fence, Juliet wouldn’t fight against the first person to try and kill her. 

So, Juliet closed her eyes and inhaled a deep breath, and as the air left her lungs, so did her anger. 

“I understand that Joel has done things that you don’t approve of. He can’t change that, he can’t take back what he’s done. But I know how much Joel loves his brother, I saw it on his face everyday as he fought his way back to him,” Juliet said, then paused, ensuring that she had Maria’s full attention before continuing. “Give him a chance to prove himself,” Juliet pleaded. 

Maria looked away, her shoulders dropped and she ran a hand over her forehead. “I don’t trust him, and neither should you,” she warned when her stare returned to Juliet. 

Before Juliet could respond, Maria raised her hand, blocking any protest. “He can stay. I’m not gonna turn away my husband’s brother,” she said with a tone that told her she had definitely thought about it. “But I came to warn you. Joel is not a good man,” Maria added softly.

Juliet’s fists tightened, but she kept her face emotionless. She just wanted Maria to leave before she would say something she’d regret.

“You’re young. Be careful who you trust,” the town’s leader cautioned.

Juliet’s fists ached with the force it took to keep her words of spite at bay. 

“Thank you, Maria. For the clothes. But I’d like some time alone now, it’s been a long day,” Juliet said slowly, with malice hiding beneath her words. 

Maria expected this response. Juliet could see it in the sad smile she gave her. Then, she nodded and, with one last concerned look, she left. 

______________________________________

Juliet took the time to brush every tangle out of her, still damp, hair before braiding it down her back and tying it with a makeshift hair tie she had found in the bedside cabinet. 

After she changed, she delicately folded every piece of gifted clothing and placed them in the closet beside the door to the bathroom. With every passing minute, Juliet felt Maria’s words weigh on her soul. 

Maybe she shouldn’t be here either. When she was with Blake, there came a time when she didn’t just kill when he commanded her to… she killed because she wanted to do it, because she enjoyed it. If Maria knew that, would she have ordered her away? 

Juliet had always been surrounded by pain and suffering: either it was inflicted upon her or she inflicted it upon others. It had defined her for as long as she could remember.

Even during those three years in the Boston QZ, she still dealt in corpses. 

And it would continue to define her if she didn’t find something worth living for, something to help her keep going… 

There was only one person who looked back at her with eyes that echoed the same horror, and a body which housed the same rotten soul. 

But she couldn’t have him. 

Twin flames were dangerous, lethal. 

Juliet released a frustrated groan, covered her face in her hands and dropped onto the bed. She pressed her fingers into her closed eyes and pushed her face into the soft duvet, welcoming the distraction that came from her loss of oxygen. 

Joel had dug his way into her heart, carving away at every defence she had built around it. If she let him in fully, would she remain unscathed or would he consume her so thoroughly that the fragile shards of her heart would forever belong to him? The clash of their identical, dark, twisted souls would be deadly. 

This only made Juliet want him more. 

Dizziness washed over her, fast and sudden. But Juliet didn’t come up for air. Something was floating in the dark corners of her mind, she just had to grab it…

‘Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same…’  

Juliet gasped, finally lifting her head from the mattress and gulping the air in greedy mouthfuls. She finally knew why Joel didn’t frighten her, why she craved his darkness. Because the idea of him had always existed within her. As a child, Wuthering Heightshad captured her naive, damaged mind, forming ideas of twin flames and mirrored souls. Two people so thoroughly ghastly that they could only ever burn together and damn the consequences. 

Damn the consequences … That's what Juliet had to do.

Juliet’s desire for Joel went beyond the physical, she wanted every part of him. She didn’t care what he’d done, how old he was, or even the fact that he had killed her own father. Juliet knew what blood stained his hands… and she was ready to admit that she liked it. 

Juliet’s gaze dropped to her legs and imagined Joel’s hand latched upon her thigh again, the veins in his hand bulging as he gripped her tighter. 

Then she imagined his hand shifting upwards, grazing the inside of her thigh as he roamed further and further…

Juliet gasped, pressing her legs together. Her heartbeat had quickened and she dropped back down to the bed, blinking away the images in her mind. 

Then she turned, glancing up at the window. Maybe he was back?She thought, desperately. She had to tell Joel how she felt. 

Juliet stumbled off the bed and darted to the door handle, feeling incredibly bold. Every lingering look and ignored touch came to the forefront of her mind. She wanted Joel, and he wanted her. It was too late to deny it. 

Juliet sped down the creaking stairs, hearing her heartbeat pulsing in her ears. Then she headed for the front door, praying with everything she had that Joel was in the house next to her, so that she didn’t have to wait for him and risk her nerve disappearing - 

“Where are you going?” a confused voice cut through Juliet’s racing thoughts.

She paused, breathless, and turned to see Ethan’s dark figure approach from the living room with only a small lamp in the corner to light his way. 

“Ethan,” she breathed. “I was just going out for some air.” 

Ethan raised his eyebrows. “We need to talk,” he announced. 

Juliet stiffened and her eyes darted to the front door, all she had to do was open it and Joel would be within her reach. 

But she couldn’t. Because Ethan was right, they were overdue for a conversation. Juliet had to apologise. She had said terrible things to him, things he didn’t deserve… 

“Yeah,” she confirmed, distracted as she ran her hand over her forehead. “Yeah, we do.” 

Ethan titled his head back, gesturing towards the gloomy living room before he turned and moved to sit on the leather couch facing the window. Juliet walked behind him slowly, stopping to turn on another lamp before she found her way to the couch opposite him.  

“Ethan, I -” Juliet began, ready to swallow her pride. But she was interrupted by the sight of Ethan’s hand, pausing her words.

“Don’t, I - I’ve thought a lot about what I want to say to you,” he explained, then reached up a hand to rub against his neck. Juliet remembered this nervous gesture, and she almost smiled at the familiar sight. 

Juliet nodded and settled into the couch, watching him with a curious look.

“I’m so sorry, Juliet,” Ethan began, and Juliet swore her heart stopped for a second, “for what I said to you in the forest. I was angry.” He paused, then looked up at her sheepishly. “And jealous.” 

Juliet swallowed and shifted. 

“You didn’t deserve that. I think a part of me, an ugly part of me, felt like you owed me or something for what Elijah did to me while you were away.” Ethan cleared his throat, and his eyes shot to the ceiling. “I didn’t want to admit it, but your father’s words might have gotten to me afterall. You know, every day he’d try to convince me that you were evil, that you had damned me and that I should resent you for leaving. And maybe I eventually did… I was in that barn and, in my mind, you were off seeing the world,” he stopped, coughing out an emotionless laugh. “So stupid,” he continued with a shake of his head. 

Juliet hadn’t realised that her eyes had filled with tears until they began to drip onto her clenched hands resting on her lap. 

“Ethan,” she whispered.

“No,” he said quickly. “Just, ah - let me finish.” 

Juliet wiped her tears with the back of her hand, then looked back up at him. 

“It hadn’t occurred to me that I was sending you out into another nightmare that day. I thought I was saving you,” he reflected with a sad smile. “I had no idea what the world was like, what you had to go through.” 

“So, I’m sorry Juliet. God, I’m so sorry that you had to come back and for making you feel like you owed it to me,” Ethan’s voice cracked on the last few words, sending more tears pouring from Juliet’s eyes. 

Juliet was stunned, and she felt as though her chest had been cracked open with the sincerity of his words. She watched him for a moment, trying to clear her mind enough to articulate her response properly, when Ethan suddenly shuffled forward in his seat, reached into his pocket and pulled out an item so familiar that Juliet could recognise it by touch alone.

He reached across the space between them, his knife held between his fingers. The rose carving was still visible in the low lighting and Juliet’s chest tightened at the sight. 

“I shouldn't have taken this back from you. It’s yours. It always has been. I carved that rose because it reminded me of you,” Ethan said quietly as he held her watery gaze. 

Her fingers trembled as she reached out and took it from him. It slid into her hand like it belonged there, and Juliet welcomed its return. 

“I -” Juliet croaked, attempting to vocalise her butchered heart but failing miserably. Ethan, in a show of his inherent goodness, smiled softly and waited for her to gather herself as tears shone in his own eyes. 

“I didn’t feel like I owed it to you, Ethan. I know I said that to you in the forest, but I was wrong. I was angry too,” Juliet murmured, staring at her hands. 

“I was angry at myself for being so afraid of my father, for letting him hurt me again. I never regretted coming back for you. Never,” she insisted before finding his eyes again. “I thought you’d be safe there, I thought it was only me he targeted. But I should have known that he would use you to hurt me… I should have come back for you sooner,” Juliet whispered. 

She heard Ethan’s chair groan and then a weight settled beside her on the couch. Juliet blinked up at him and smiled softly as his hands enclosed over her own. Her tears continued to fall and drip onto Ethan’s hands, but he didn’t seem to mind. Ethan turned to face her and reached the back of his hand to wipe the tears that wet her cheeks. 

“Do you forgive me?” he asked quietly. His green eyes were so dark, like a forest in a thunderstorm. Juliet nodded instantly, not breaking eye contact. “Do you forgive me?” she croaked, with a soft laugh. 

Ethan smiled, a real smile, the first she’d seen from him in many years, and he nodded. 

They sat for a few minutes, allowing their tears to dry on their faces before Ethan broke the silence. 

“I love you,” he breathed. “You know that, right?” Ethan asked, tilting his face to meet Juliet’s eyes again. Juliet stilled and, for a moment, she feared the kind of response he was waiting for. But then she looked into his eyes and realised that she didn’t have to worry. 

“I know,” she replied. “I love you too.” 

Ethan’s head dropped and Juliet tightened her grip on his hand. 

Juliet would always love Ethan, but it wasn’t romantic and maybe it never was. Sitting there in the dark living room, Ethan finally came to terms with that. 

He looked at her with another watery smile. “It’s Joel, isn’t it?” 

Juliet’s stomach dropped at the sound of his name. It was always a physical response whenever she thought of him. 

She nodded. “I didn’t expect it, but yeah, it’s Joel,” Juliet confirmed, and felt a sudden weight lift from her shoulders. 

It was strange, how casual they were discussing this, but Juliet didn’t want to ruin the moment by pointing that out. Instead, she just rubbed her thumb over the back of Ethan’s hand and basked in the honesty that flowed between the both of them. 

“I won’t pretend I approve,” Ethan said darkly, and Juliet paused her movements. “But I want you to be happy, Juliet. I really do.” 

Fresh tears wet her face and Juliet leaned to the side, letting her head settle on Ethan’s shoulder. 

“I think Jackson will be good for us,” Juliet said, with earnest hopefulness. 

“I think so too,” Ethan replied against the top of her head. 

After several minutes, Ethan gently lifted Juliet off of his shoulder and searched her face with his eyes.

“He’s back, by the way. He went into the house next door a while ago,” Ethan announced reluctantly. 

Juliet tried to keep her expression neutral, but her heart leapt within her chest. 

Ethan leaned back and stretched. “Go on,” he urged. “Tell him.”

Juliet reached over and pulled Ethan into a tight hug as he laughed warmly. Then she stood, tucked her knife into her new boot and turned towards the door. 

Before she reached for the handle, Juliet turned towards Ethan. “I really do love you, you know?” Juliet assured him.

“Yeah, yeah. I get it,” he replied, rolling his eyes. 

_________________________________________

Juliet laughed as she opened the door and stumbled outside. It was pitch black, but small lights hung between old street lamps, leading the way to Joel.

Her nerve from earlier had disappeared, now all that was left was her thumping heartbeat and trembling fingers. 

Juliet forced herself to walk slowly, to ensure she had time to think about what to say. She hadn’t really planned anything earlier, she was driven entirely by emotion. Now that her mind had some clarity, she feared what Joel would think when she came knocking at his door. 

She arrived seconds later. Juliet had nearly tripped as she raced up his porch steps, unable to keep to an appropriate pace. The lights were on so he was definitely home. Juliet swallowed and wiped under her eyes, ensuring no tears still lingered on her skin. Then she reached her hand up towards the door, and just as her knuckles almost met the wood - 

It swung open. 

“Juliet?” 

She gasped. 

Joel stood in front of her, staring down with a foreboding look on his face so incredibly similar to that night in his QZ apartment all those months ago. 

However, this time Juliet didn’t cower.

This time, she didn’t wait for Joel to send her away or slam the door in her face.

Juliet didn’t hesitate. 

She stepped forward, lifted herself onto her tiptoes and pulled Joel’s face down towards her own.

Then she pressed her lips to his.

______________________________

@amyispxnk @weeping-werewolf @shotgun-shelby @http-paprika

#joel miller #joel miller x female oc #joel miller x reader #joel miller x original character #joel miller x oc #joel miller fanfic #joel miller angst #joel miller hbo #ao3 fanfic #joel miller fic #pedro pascal #tlou #joel tlou #the last of us #the last of us hbo #tlou hbo #Spotify

[cinnamongorll]

a fragile line - chapter 24

read on ao3! (117k words) | previous chapter | next chapter | masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female OC

Tags: extreme slow burn, age gap, older man/younger woman, protective joel, jealous joel, hurt/comfort, pov third person, mutual pining, angst, sexual tension, friends to lovers, canon-typical violence, feral joel, parental abuse, eventual smut.

Series synopsis: three years ago, Juliet escaped her father's religious survivor camp, ending up in the Boston QZ. Juliet created a life for herself in Boston, desperate to forget the trauma of her upbringing. One day, Juliet arrives home to find a mysterious letter which forces her to return to her home town. Juliet can't travel the harsh post-apocalyptic landscape alone, so she enlists the help of the grumpy and, at times, frightening man she works alongside: Joel Miller.

Word count: 4.9k

Chapter 24: 'Safe and Sound'

Juliet's POV:

“Horses” 

The word left Juliet’s mouth in a strangled whisper, and it would have been lost in the wind if Joel hadn’t been standing so close. His head shot up, instantly recognising the shapes moving rapidly towards them.

“Get behind me,” he roared, gripping her arm and twisting Juliet behind him. It all happened so fast, she didn’t even have time to argue. Joel’s protectiveness was ingrained within him, whether Juliet liked it or not. 

To her right, Ethan started to pull out his gun but Juliet shook her head. This time, Ethan listened to her quiet warning and slowly released the gun back into his pocket. He held her frantic gaze for another couple moments before facing forward again. 

Within seconds, they were surrounded. Joel started to move in different directions, desperately  trying to pull Juliet out of the way. But the horses, and the people on them, covered every escape angle. They were trapped. 

Ethan stumbled closer to her as the horses continued to herd them together. Juliet’s head whipped around, her hair flying around her face. Her heart was thumping against her chest, terror sparked in every vein. She wanted to pull Joel behind her, to protect him instead. But there was no time. 

“We ain’t lookin’ for any trouble,” Joel called when the horses stopped moving, and the men upon them pulled out their guns. Slowly, he released Juliet’s arm and raised his hands in front of him. Juliet did the same, with Ethan following their movements. 

“We’re just passin’ through,” Joel continued, keeping his voice clear and steady. 

“Drop the guns!” one of the men shouted back. 

Ethan scrambled for the gun in his pocket and Juliet cringed, terrified that they would read his quick movements as a threat. Carefully, Joel slid the gun out of his back pocket and bent to the ground, placing it on the grass with one hand still raised. Joel was obviously familiar with this kind of situation.

They didn’t ask for her gun. Sexist, fucks, Juliet thought. 

But she wasn’t ignored. One of the men spotted her, his eyes narrowing. “You,” he barked, gesturing with the gun in his hand. “Take five steps back.”

Joel stiffened and Juliet stopped breathing. If she moved, what were they going to do to Joel? He didn’t dare turn around, but Juliet noticed his body start to angle towards her. She stared at the back of his head, watching as the breeze rustled through his hair and tried to calm her racing heart. 

“How ‘bout we just talk this through?” Joel reasoned, raising his voice.

“How ‘bout you shut the fuck up?” the man instantly replied, impatience coating his words. Juliet could feel a pulse of anger building under her skin, but she knew when it was time to back down. 

“Okay, easy,” she relented, stepping backwards away from Joel and closer to Ethan.

Joel’s head whipped around. His eyes were wide and blazing. Juliet just nodded, letting him know she was okay, that they would get through this. They had done it before, together. They would do it again. 

“You been near infected?” the man demanded, tightening his hand around his gun. 

“There’s no infected out here,” Joel ground out when his stare returned forward. Juliet could hear the deep frustration in his voice; the crushing fear of not knowing how to get out of a situation. Juliet played a million scenarios over and over in her head, trying to figure out who to shoot but there were so many of them. 

“The hell there ain’t,” argued the assumed leader of the group. 

As Juliet shifted her stance, the wind attacked again. This time, the gust blew against her open jacket, lifting the flannel shirt beneath it. The cold wind was biting and her skin instantly pebbled. But that wasn’t what caused a chill of horror to spread across her body. 

The man on the horse closest to her perked up, lifting his gun higher. “This one’s injured!,” he called, alarm shining on his face. His horse responded to his panic, rearing up with a strangled whine. 

Juliet dropped her hands to hover over her stomach, where the thick bandage, once hidden behind her flannel, was now exposed. She didn’t dare touch it, though. She didn’t dare draw more attention to it. Instead, Juliet bit down on the inside of her cheek and steeled herself for a fight. If they thought she was infected, none of them were getting out of here alive. 

There must have been at least ten men, saddled on horses, surrounding them, and every one of them turned their weapons on her. Blood rushed in Juliet’s ears, drowning out the sound of her ragged breaths. 

“Wait,” Joel bellowed, raising his hands higher. Juliet wasn’t sure, but it looked like there was a slight tremble to his fingers. “There’s no infection,” he insisted, his voice desperate. “Just a burn.”

Despite her terror, Juliet flinched at the reminder. 

Beside her, Ethan was frozen, staring at Juliet’s stomach with an open mouth. Juliet squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the bullet which would finally end her life. But it didn’t come. Instead, she heard the strange, sudden sound of barking and growling. Blinking rapidly, her eyes settled on a dog being led by one of the men. 

“If you’ve been infected, he will smell it and he will rip you up,” cautioned the man, still aiming his gun towards Juliet. “Last chance for a bullet,” he taunted.

Juliet wasn’t infected but it didn’t stop the instinct to run from gripping her mind. But she didn’t. She steadied her feet, raised her hands in front of her again and let her eyes fall closed. Maybe if they realised she wasn’t infected they would let them go. There was no land to fight over, they had just been passing through. Juliet repeated those thoughts over and over again as the dog drew closer. Its snarl was vicious and bloodthirsty, she could imagine its teeth ripping into her skin, damaging her already frail body beyond repair. 

Seconds passed. 

The snarls stopped.

Juliet opened her eyes, slowly with intense caution, and looked down. At her feet sat the dog, completely changed from the ferocious beast she had built up in her mind. It looked up at her with big brown eyes, panting softly. Juliet let out a shaky breath and looked to Joel. 

The horror hadn’t left his face. 

“You just bought yourself ten more seconds,” the leader reluctantly announced, shifting to lower his gun slightly. “What are you doin’ out here?” 

Joel turned back around. His anger was showing now, Juliet could tell in the way he titled his head and adjusted his stance. “I’m just lookin’ for my brother,” he answered in a cold, dark voice. “That’s all, nothin’ more.” 

Ethan was the first to notice when a horse, and its rider, from the back of the group moved forward. His hand went to his pocket, hovering over his gun. Juliet caught his eye, before focusing on the new threat. 

But this rider was different. It was a woman. She had dark skin and dark hair, almost hidden behind a scarf raised above her mouth and a hat similar to the ones worn by the men. As she made her way to the front of the group, the rest of the men sat up straighter, following her with their eyes. Juliet had been wrong… this was their leader. 

Juliet stood up straighter herself, adjusting her shoulders and holding her breath again. The inside of her cheek had started bleeding with the force of her bite, but she swallowed it down, letting the hot metallic taste ground her. 

When she reached the front, the rider focused entirely on Joel. Even from beneath the rim of the hat, Juliet noticed the way her eyes scanned Joel up and down. “What’s your name?” she demanded. 

“Joel,” he replied after a moment, confusion bleeding into his tone. 

The woman’s eyes widened, and she turned behind her towards the rest of her men, nodding slowly. The men instantly lowered their guns. 

Juliet gasped in surprise, her eyes shooting to Ethan. He looked at her in shock, eyebrows raised as his eyes darted between Juliet and the woman on the horse. 

As Joel lowered his hands, Juliet realised what was happening. 

She knew his brother. She knew Tommy. 

…………………………………………..

Juliet rode into Jackson with her arms wrapped tight around Joel and her fingers curled around the front of his shirt. 

They shared a horse, surrounded by the men and the woman they found was called Maria. Ethan was behind them on his own horse. Juliet tried to share with one of the other men but Joel just grunted, wrapped his strong hands around her waist and lifted her onto his horse, careful to avoid brushing against her still healing wound. 

As they journeyed closer to the town where Tommy apparently lived, Juliet leaned closer into Joel until her face was flush with his back. Despite the chill, Joel was a furnace and Juliet allowed herself to sink into the comfort of their close proximity. The shock of knowing that Tommy was truly alive, and not just a symbol of Joel’s hope, was overwhelming.

Juliet tried not to let her fear paralyse her, but they were headed into an unknown situation with unknown people who had unknown motivations. As they closed in on Jackson and the sight of the tall, forboarding fence came into view, Juliet felt her skin begin to crawl. Her fingers curled tighter around Joel’s shirt and she pressed her face deeper into his back.

She didn’t want to hide or bury her head in the sand. This wasn’t her father’s community. Juliet knew that. But the fence looked so similar, and the dread that settled deep in her gut felt so familiar. 

Joel must have felt her body’s response to their surroundings as he turned his head to the side, and brushed the side of his jaw against the top of her head, the best he could while riding the horse. Juliet would have smiled and her heart would have skipped a beat if she were anywhere else, or anyone else, but his touch still helped to ground her. Joel was with her. They would be okay. Everything was okay. 

Juliet kept her head pressed against Joel’s back as the gate opened with several shouted orders and their group gradually entered the town. Juliet expected Jackson to be cloaked by a heavy silence where the only sounds that dared reach above a whisper were old windchimes and the cries of hungry babies. In her father’s community, no one was vocal in their joy, not that there was any joy to be felt in those dark, ghostly streets. 

But in Jackson, there was laughter. 

Juliet opened her eyes and pulled back from Joel’s warmth, blinking slowly. Surely she imagined the sound. Laughter was rare in this world, so rare in fact that she couldn’t remember the last time a laugh left her own mouth. But sure enough, when Juliet’s eyesight cleared, she looked around and saw children outside wooden buildings, huddled in warm coats with pink rosy cheeks and bright smiles to match their giggles. 

Juliet’s clenched fingers loosened as shock coursed through her. Her brain couldn’t keep up with the wonders she witnessed - couples walked by holding hands, staring up at their group, waving to the man who almost shot her only an hour ago. No one had a haunted look on their face, no one had dark purple circles under their eyes, no one cringed when they heard the horses approach. They did stare, however, at Juliet, Joel and Ethan, but not out of fear. Rather, the residents looked surprised, and intrigued. Some even smiled at Juliet as they passed. Juliet was too shocked to return the gesture, she wasn’t even sure if she could anymore. 

As they made their way down what appeared to be the main street, Juliet sat up straighter and turned her head back and forth to take everything in. There were so many people and everyone had a job and a goal, there were little projects going on everywhere she looked. Some men piled firewood, some cut the firewood. There were groups of children being led by what appeared to be a teacher. Juliet had been too young to experience it, but from the books she’d read, this must have been what the old world was like. 

Moments later Joel pulled the reins on the horse, halting it immediately. Juliet’s eyes shot to the back of his head, then whipped around them to search for danger, for whatever had spooked him. But after an achingly long second, she realised that he was entirely transfixed on someone across the street, standing on a platform held up by scaffolding…

“Tommy!” 

Joel’s call was almost frenzied. His hands were cupped around his mouth as he released his brother’s name, numbly claiming his attention like a man in a trance. Before Juliet could react, Tommy turned and Joel slid off the horse, hitting the ground with a thump. But Joel wasn’t caring, he just started jogging; his steps were off balance and frantic until he reached his brother and captured him in a bear hug. 

Juliet’s mouth dropped open. Joel’s show of affection was sudden, intense and completely unrestrained. From her view on the horse, she swore he was shaking. The brothers gripped each other with a desperation she felt she had to look away from. It was too intimate, too personal for her to witness. From just one interaction, Juliet could tell how deep their bond ran; how thick their shared blood flowed. 

She glanced at Ethan, who had stopped his horse beside her own. He watched Joel and Tommy with an unguarded, wistful expression. Juliet felt her eyes begin to fill with tears as she glanced back at the embracing men. There wasn’t much to celebrate anymore, but this reunion was a glimmer of light in a sea of darkness. He’s done it. Joel had really done it. He’d found his brother, against all odds. 

“What the fuck you doin’ here?” Tommy asked when they pulled apart, a huge grin splitting his face. He had an accent like Joel, thick in a warm southern drawl. 

Joel released a weighted breath, his hands were still gripping his brother’s shoulders. “I came here to save you,” he answered with a laugh while looking around, as though realising how unnecessary his concern was. 

Juliet watched this interaction with the hit of a smile approaching her mouth and tears glistening in her eyes. As the brothers leaned in for another hug, Juliet found Ethan’s eyes again. He smiled at her. It was a small smile, nervous but hopeful. As a tear rolled down her cheek, Juliet allowed her mouth to curve in response, matching his gentle gesture with one of her own. They still hadn’t spoken of the words they had thrown like daggers at each other only the night before, but their matching smiles called a truce. 

As they sat on their horses, watching Joel and Tommy embrace, Juliet wondered if maybe there was still space for joy in the world. Maybe here in Jackson, she would find it.

……………………………………………

Getting off the horse was harder than getting on. For starters, Joel was preoccupied, so Juliet had no one to lift her down. And the strain of their bumpy ride had aggravated her wound, sending sharp bolts of pain across her entire stomach. Juliet groaned under her breath as she attempted to twist her body, holding tight to the saddle. 

She had one leg off the horse when Joel caught her.

His hands wrapped around her ribs, pulling her back down against his chest as he eased her other leg off the saddle. Juliet’s body electrified as it slid down the front of Joel’s. When her feet were planted firmly on the ground, a flush had consumed her entire face. It was maddening how comfortable Joel now was with touching Juliet. Where, for years working beside each other, Joel would flinch back anytime she drew near. Now, he struggled to step away from her. 

Juliet blew out a breath and turned, separating herself from Joel. She looked up at him, marking the openness of his expression and the way his eyes widened as he let his gaze drift down to his hands which still hovered around her waist. Joel released a long breath and straightened, turning his head just as Tommy and Ethan approached. 

Juliet quickly took another step back, widening the gap between herself and Joel, and willed her burning cheeks to cool. 

“Who’s this?” Tommy asked as he stopped beside Joel, gesturing towards Juliet with a tilt of his head.

Now that he was close, Juliet could finally get a good look at him. His hair was longer than Joel’s and darker, almost devoid of any grey hairs. Tommy was obviously younger but he held himself with an authority which expanded beyond his years. 

Juliet looked to Joel and then to Tommy, waiting for an introduction. But Joel looked speechless, his lips had parted and the muscles in his throat moved as though he was desperately attempting to speak but just couldn’t. 

When Joel continued to say nothing, Juliet stepped forward and reached a hand towards Tommy. “Juliet,” she said. Tommy blinked, staring down at her hand, before grasping it firmly with his own. “And that’s Ethan,” she continued, pointing behind Tommy once they let go. Tommy turned, greeting Ethan with a nod and a tight smile. 

“Well, you’ve been busy,” Tommy marvelled, eyeing Joel. 

Joel’s stare had locked on Juliet again. At the sound of Tommy’s voice, he shifted his stance and curled his hands into fist. Gone was the joyous reunion, gone was Joel’s soft side. His cold stare and tense features had returned. 

“She needs a medic,” Joel muttered in a low voice and Juliet stiffened, her eyes cutting to his vacant face. She was injured, yes. But her burn was healing fine, she didn’t need anyone to look at it. 

“Joel -” she attempted to interrupt, but his hand snatched her wrist, sealing her protest back within her. Juliet gasped as her eyes instantly caught sight of his scarred fingers curled lightly around the sleeve of her jacket.  

Tommy followed her gaze, focusing on his brother’s hand with raised eyebrows before he cleared his throat and nodded at Joel. 

“We can do that. Follow me,” he said with a hint of confusion in his voice as he turned and began to head along the main street. Ethan walked beside him, already attacking Tommy with questions about the town. 

Joel’s fingers slid from her arm and he gestured for her to follow the men, but Juliet held her ground, staring up at Joel with a furrowed brow. “Why’d you do that?” she hissed.

Joel rolled his eyes and began walking, running a hand over the bottom of his face. Juliet released a frustrated groan and rushed to catch up the best she could.

“I’m fine, I don’t need anyone poking and prodding at me,” she continued as they walked together. 

After a long moment, Joel sighed. “You’re not fine,” he maintained. 

“But -” 

“I don’t wanna hear it. You’re gettin’ that burn looked at and that’s the end of it,” he ground out slowly, with such force to his voice that Juliet struggled to come up with another argument. 

Instead, she resigned herself to silence; admitting defeat. She knew that Joel was just being protective and she didn’t resent that. But the thought of someone seeing what her father had done to her… a cold sweat broke out along the back of her neck as she swallowed rough. 

………………………………

The medic’s office was a small wooden building near the end of the main street, before the town descended into rows and rows of houses. They had passed a bar on their way and what looked to be some sort of community centre. With each building they passed, Juliet’s mind flashed back to her father’s town and the memories still housed in her mind of her own experiences in such similar buildings. But they weren’t similar. Not really. When they had passed the bar, there weren't just stone-faced old men who licked their lips as she passed, as though she was some sweet, illicit treat that they could never touch. No, in Jackson’s bar there was singing. As they walked by, she looked in and saw a group of men and women huddled close, gripping their glasses and singing some old country song. 

Another wistful smile grew on her face at the sight. Until they reached the medic’s office. Then her smile twisted, darkening until all that remained was a scowl.

As Joel pushed through the door, a rush of heat from the fireplace in the corner hit Juliet in the face, worsening her already burning body. Her fingers began to tremble and she had to push them against her trousers to stop the shake. Then Joel closed the door behind her, sealing them in. 

“Charlotte!” Tommy called, as he rubbed his hands together over the fire. 

Juliet nearly flinched at the sound but calmed when she felt Joel’s presence behind her. A long breath released from between her teeth as she clenched her jaw. 

The room was fashioned into a waiting space, with multiple arm chairs dotted around. Ethan fell into one of them, sighing as his body relaxed beside the fire. Juliet almost laughed at the sight. Ethan always was the confident one. Despite spending his entire life in one town, Juliet was unsurprised that he adapted so quickly to another. 

“Tommy? That you?” a sweet voice replied from one of the back rooms and a woman appeared. She was young, around Juliet’s age or maybe a little older. She was tall, too, with long blonde hair gathered in a tight bun at the top of her head. She wore a long grey cardigan which she wrapped around herself as she stepped into the waiting room. “Thought I heard your voice,” she laughed, then her eyes widened at the sight of three strangers filling the room. “Wanna introduce me?” 

Tommy chuckled, crossing his arms over his chest as he nodded to Joel. “This here’s my brother, Joel,” he said, his voice still coated in shock, as though he was still processing the fact that his brother actually stood in front of him. Charlotte’s eyebrows shot up and her mouth opened in a silent gasp. 

“Juliet and Ethan,” Tommy added after a moment. Ethan lifted his chin towards Charlotte and Juliet gave a small wave. She felt awkward, Juliet couldn’t remember the last time she introduced herself to someone who wasn’t actively trying to kill her. 

“Charlotte’s an excellent doctor. She’ll sort you out,” Tommy said softly to Juliet, smiling gently. Juliet swallowed and steeled herself. Maybe Charlotte wouldn’t ask questions, maybe she’d just clean her burn and leave Juliet without reopening the aching wound in her soul. “Doctor’s assistant,” Charlotte corrected with a good-natured eye roll, then started walking backwards, turning towards one of the backrooms. “This way!” she called behind her in a far too chipper voice.

Juliet blew out a breath, rolled her shoulders and followed after her without so much as looking at the hulking man behind her. 

………………………………………………………

Juliet lay on a low table, padded with a thick blanket. But she could barely feel the fabric beneath her. Joel’s jacket and her flannel shirt lay on a chair in the corner of the room, leaving her top half exposed as she shivered on the examination table. The heat from the fire didn’t quite reach the room she was in and goosebumps formed over her skin.

After she had rubbed something on her hands, Charlotte walked over carefully, as though she knew not to make sudden movements lest she risk startling Juliet.

“Relax,” she soothed. “Just gonna take a look at this,” Charlotte explained in a quiet voice as her fingers reached for the stained bandage covering the majority of Juliet’s stomach.

Juliet’s muscles locked up and she drew in a sharp breath, but Charlotte still hooked her fingers under the bandage and pulled, carefully releasing the adhesive. Then there was silence.

Juliet squeezed her eyes shut tight. Shame fell over her like a dark veil. She didn’t dare take another breath. Juliet just waited for Charlotte to cover her burn or run out the room in disgust. But neither happened. Instead, Juliet listened as the doctor’s assistant tugged over a chair and sat down beside Juliet’s shivering body.

What had happened to her bravery? Juliet could take down men twice her size but couldn’t handle her wound being looked at? She wanted to shake herself. 

“You know,” Charlotte said, interrupting Juliet’s racing thoughts. 

Juliet blinked, opening her eyes to stare at the white ceiling. She didn’t have it in her to meet the woman’s eyes just yet. 

“When I got to Jackson, I couldn’t speak.”

Surprise shot through her. Charlotte seemed so energetic and confident, she struggled to imagine a more timid, mute version of her.

“I had seen too much when I was too young and I wasn’t able to talk about it. So, I just stopped talking altogether,” she continued, her voice cracking on the last word. “It hurt too much, to try to describe what had happened to me. And I didn’t think I’d ever find the words.”

Juliet listened intently, hanging onto every word as the goosebumps began to fade from her skin. 

“Then I met Doc, and I found out I had a knack for medicine,” she said with a laugh. “I thought that maybe if I could help other people like me, people who’ve seen things too dark to talk about, then maybe I wouldn’t feel so shit about myself,” she explained, looking down.  

Charlotte let her words hang in the air before she continued. 

“So I’m not gonna ask you about the brand on your stomach, or the bullet wound on your shoulder. Because I know you’re not ready to talk about it,” Charlotte added. Her voice was firmer now, more purposeful. 

“But when you are, know that I’ll be here to listen,” she declared, then stood, pushing back the chair and moving over to a table against the wall lined with various jars and boxes.

Juliet hadn’t realised that she’d started crying, dripping warm tears onto the blanket around her face. Her cheeks burned but her embarrassment had eased. Rather, she felt like a spotlight had been placed over her deepest, darkest fears and insecurities and Charlotte was inspecting them with a microscope.

But she wasn’t afraid anymore. Juliet knew that she wasn’t ready to talk about what had happened to her. 

Like Charlotte, she just didn’t have the words yet. 

Juliet cleared her throat and inhaled a deep breath and, as the air rushed from her lungs, she felt her anxiety dissipate.

“Thank you,” she whispered. 

Charlotte just nodded with a small smile when she walked back into view, a fresh bandage in her hand. 

……………………………………………

When Charlotte had finished and Juliet had changed back into her clothes, carefully pulling on Joel’s jacket and inhaling that smoky pine scent, she headed to the door. Juliet turned, nodding at Charlotte before gripping the handle and opening the heavy wooden door.

Without looking, Juliet stepped through the entryway and into a hard wall. Her hands instantly reached up in front of her, shielding her face from crushing against it.

But it wasn’t a wall.

“Joel?” she murmured when she realised what had happened, blinking up at him as she tried to take a step backwards. Joel was faster, though. Before she could move, Joel had circled his hands around her upper arms and tilted her body back until he could see her face. 

His eyes were black as they scanned every inch of her expression. What he was searching for, she didn’t know. But her skin burned all the same. 

Then his hand reached up and his rough thumb brushed against her cheek, wiping away the single tear that remained on her skin. The line in between Joel’s eyebrows deepend and Juliet watched as his jaw clenched.

The look in his eyes plunged Juliet back to that night at the gas station, when the rain had poured down around them but all Juliet could focus on was the heat from Joel’s fingers as they caressed her face. 

God, that felt like years ago. Joel had looked so angry back then, so full of rage and resentment towards her. But now, she realised that his dark look was hiding his terror. He had been worried about her. 

Warmth spread around her body when she finished reading the expression on his face. Juliet would have to get used to his deep-rooted protectiveness. 

She wondered what would happen to them if they ended up staying in Jackson, where threats were limited. What would happen to that fire that simmered between her and Joel? Would it burn out or spread until it costumed everything in its wake? 

As she traced the lines on Joel’s face with her frenzied gaze, and watched as his throat moved in response, Juliet realised she already had her answer.

______________________

@amyispxnk @shotgun-shelby @http-paprika @weeping-werewolf

#joel miller x original character #joel miller x reader #joel miller x oc #joel miller x female oc #joel miller fic #joel miller fanfic #joel miller angst #ao3 fanfic #joel miller #joel miller hbo #pedro pascal #tlou #joel tlou #the last of us #tlou hbo #the last of us hbo #Spotify

[cinnamongorll]

some paintings of Joel i never finished 💔

#joel miller #joel miller hbo #pedro pascal #tlou hbo #tlou joel #joel the last of us #the last of us #the last of us hbo #tlou #tlou art #acrylic painting

[cinnamongorll]

a fragile line - chapter 23

read on ao3! (111k words) | previous chapter | next chapter | masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female OC

Tags: extreme slow burn, age gap, older man/younger woman, protective joel, jealous joel, hurt/comfort, pov third person, mutual pining, angst, sexual tension, friends to lovers, canon-typical violence, feral joel, parental abuse, eventual smut.

Series synopsis: three years ago, Juliet escaped her father's religious survivor camp, ending up in the Boston QZ. Juliet created a life for herself in Boston, desperate to forget the trauma of her upbringing. One day, Juliet arrives home to find a mysterious letter which forces her to return to her home town. Juliet can't travel the harsh post-apocalyptic landscape alone, so she enlists the help of the grumpy and, at times, frightening man she works alongside: Joel Miller.

Chapter warning: references to suicide/suicidal thoughts

Word count: 4.7k

Chapter 23: 'My Tears Ricochet'

One week later

Juliet’s POV:

It took three days to find a way out of Cody. 

The entire city was overrun; the infected lingered in every corner, round every bend. Terror had wrapped its cold hand around each of their necks, squeezing tighter and tighter as they fought their way out of the city. Juliet imagined that the fear caught Joel a little harder than herself. She could see it in the rigidness of his shoulders. He was terrified. But not for himself, never for himself. He was terrified for Tommy. 

Tommy was supposed to be in Cody, he was supposed to be somewhere safe, he was supposed to be okay. But there was no sign of any living being other than those who were more fungus than person. As they clawed their way out of the city, Joel’s steps were harder, his instructions were harsher, and his eyes grew colder and colder.

They had to leave the truck behind. There was no way they would make their way back to it with infected crawling around the vehicle. It was almost as though they knew how important the truck was to them and how devastating a loss it would be. 

Two days had passed since they left Cody. Both days were spent walking almost non-stop. There were multiple times where Juliet felt her steps stumbling and her legs giving out, but she didn’t let herself crumble. She kept going, kept moving, despite the worsening pain in her body. Juliet had one goal: get Joel to Tommy. Her guilt fueled every action, every thought in her mind. Juliet believed that if she got Joel to his brother, if they were reunited, that it would ease her guilt over lying to him, forcing him to save her on multiple accounts, kissing him…

Ethan walked a couple steps behind her as they travelled across the vast stretch of forestland. Wyoming was stunning. Even in her detached state, Juliet struggled not to appreciate its beauty. The autumn sun illuminated the world in browns and reds and oranges. Juliet made a point of only looking ahead, because she couldn’t bring herself to look at Ethan, to meet his eyes. She had lost herself after the clicker attack, the rational part of her brain had escaped her. Juliet had allowed her emotions to fuel her actions and every part of her had screamed Joel’s name. She had thrown herself as him and he caught her in his strong hands without a second thought. Despite the chilled air, sweat broke out across her back at the memory of his feral touch. 

She liked it, a little too much probably. But Juliet knew that the feeling was mutual. When Joel wrapped his hands around her waist and she’d raked her nails down his back, Juliet knew, without a doubt, that he felt the same surge of desire. It wasn’t like the last time, on the floor in that dark house when Joel’s blood still stained her hands and their kiss was confused and unsure. This time, Juliet didn’t have to wonder if Joel had meant it. The press of his rough fingers against her burning skin had told her more than enough. 

She was growing more and more desperate to stop Joel and demand access to the thoughts inside his head. Juliet was becoming an expert in the nuances of his expressions and the language of his hands. But it wasn’t enough. The tension between them was reaching an unbearable stage and she knew that one day, probably soon, it would snap. The dark looks, the devastating kisses, and the whispered words were addictive and Juliet had to know when her next fix would be.

Joel walked in front and Juliet couldn’t help but stare at the imprint of his muscles through his dark shirt. She had begged him to take his jacket from her, but he’d refused. When the wind hit them, blowing through the curls on his head, Juliet knew he must be freezing. 

It only added to her forever growing dept towards him. 

If they could find Tommy, maybe the twisting feeling in her gut would ease, maybe she’d be able to take a real, deep breath again. Joel deserved something good, something to live for. 

Juliet only wished that, eventually, she’d be able to find something similar. 

…………………………………..

When night fell, they stopped walking. 

Juliet’s legs nearly buckled when Joel announced it was time to set up camp for the night. They didn’t have much, only what was left in their bags when they abandoned the truck. There was some food and they’d managed to fill up their water canisters at a river the day before. However, they had no sleeping bags. 

The night before had been hell. There was an old cabin that they huddled in, but without any heat, Juliet struggled to sleep at all. Sleep was an old memory, something she desperately tried to cling to but it always fell through her fingers. She lay on the cold wooden floor, Ethan by her side, and stared at the broken roof for hours. Joel had kept watch most of the night, she wasn’t sure when he last slept. Juliet could hear him breathing and she felt his eyes scorch her skin. All she had to do was turn her head, to meet his eyes. But she was scared, terrified that she might meet his dark gaze and they would continue what they had started in the office building back in Cody. 

Her fingers curled at the thought. 

They all dropped their backpacks behind a large rock formation on the outskirts of the nearest forest. Juliet sighed when the weight left her back and she rolled her shoulders. Her stomach was healing, Ethan had told her when he had changed her bandage yesterday. She could feel it, too. Every movement didn’t come with the same scorching pain anymore, rather more of a dull ache.

The bruises on her wrists and ankles refused to shift, however. Juliet was thankful for Joel’s jacket and its long sleeves to cover the reminder of what happened to her. 

When she had blinked away the memory, Juliet noticed Joel crouched on the ground with his lighter gripped tight in his hands. Surely Joel wasn’t breaking his own rules…

“A fire?” Juliet muttered as she stepped closer, transfixed on Joel’s movements. 

He looked up at her from his position on the ground, scanning her entire body before meeting her eyes. Joel always did that, like he was examining her. Juliet shifted on her feet, but she didn’t back down. Juliet let Joel pin her with that same fierce look which softened the longer he held her gaze.

Then, he nodded, sudden and sharp. 

“We’re far enough out,” he explained before resuming his task.

Seconds later, a flame appeared, roaming over the sticks he had gathered before engulfing them entirely. 

Ethan pushed past her, his hands wide, reaching towards the fire. Juliet stumbled out of the way, almost tripping on a rock by her feet. She blinked in annoyance, but she couldn’t blame Ethan for his urgency. She edged closer towards the fire, bending down to sit at a close distance to the flames. The heat was glorious and the permanent numbness in her stiff fingers began to ease. 

Juliet tore her eyes from the red flames to find Joel sat across from them, but his eyes weren’t on the fire. He was focusing intensely on the man beside her. His glare was deadly. He looked utterly menacing as the light from the flames painted his face in shades of red. Her eyes dropped lower, and she watched as Joel tightened his grip on his lighter. His knuckles as white as the moon above their heads. Juliet swallowed and subtly shifted away from Ethan, not wanting to intensify the situation. Was it Ethan’s inexperience, his rash decision making, which angered Joel? Or was it something different, something stronger? Was Joel jealous? 

No, of course he wasn’t. 

Joel didn’t have those kinds of feelings. He was a closed book. He existed for himself and his family, he didn’t care for anything else. It’s the reason he was so dangerous, so adept at surviving in this world. He wasn’t jealous of Ethan. He couldn’t be. Because there was nothing between her and Ethan, only a ghostly presence of what once was. Joel was attracted to her, it was difficult to deny. But there were no feelings beyond that. She was a burden, the cargo he was forced to save and now had to keep alive for a little longer. 

Juliet bit her lip, using the sharp pain to distract herself from the mess inside her head. She couldn’t get a firm grip on her thoughts. Her mind was still fuzzy, there were still things that she struggled to remember. Everytime she closed her eyes she was back in that basement, reliving every moment of her father’s torture. But some part of her brain was protecting her from something, there was more from the basement that she couldn’t remember. Juliet wasn’t sure if she wanted to remember. But recently, self-destruction had been her only goal, so her mind kicked and screamed at that brick wall. So far, she hadn’t even made a dent. Maybe it was better that way. 

Juliet’s hand had absentmindedly reached into her boot and pulled her knife into her grip. It was an instinctual move, which puzzled Juliet even more. 

“You still have it,” Ethan said, amazed. 

Juliet’s head shot up, her fingers curled around the knife as she blinked away the fog that had surrounded her mind. With the fire, Juliet had begun to heat up and found her cheeks warming with the attention of the two men.

Turning her head towards Ethan, Juliet nodded as her thumb brushed over the rose carving. Then, she noticed his waiting hand and settled the knife in his warm palm.

“Thought I’d never see it again,” Ethan breathed as he examined the knife, then his eyes flickered to Juliet’s face. “Thought I’d never see youagain.” 

Juliet wanted to smile, she wanted to return his words and bathe in the relief of their reunion. But she couldn’t focus on Ethan, she couldn’t focus on anything other than that knife. 

When she was trapped in that basement, her ankles bound to that chair… she’d had that knife. It had always been in her boot, the entire time. A sharp ringing sound began to build in Juliet’s ears as the realisation poured over her. Surely some part of her must have known that her knife was still with her. Why didn’t she use it? Why did she allow her father to trap her, slap her, brandher…

She could have escaped, or at least tried. 

But why would she?

For months, Juliet was determined that she would most likely die in that basement. In her mind, her fate had been sealed from the moment she found that letter, from the moment she appeared at Joel’s door with a plan and a death wish. It was all for Ethan, she was living for Ethan. 

Saving herself was never an option. 

But she could have. 

Juliet just didn’t care enough. 

A sharp gasp released from Juliet’s throat. The ringing in her ears grew louder and louder. 

She had wantedto die that day. 

Juliet strumbled to her feet, pushing off Ethan’s hands which had settled on her lap. She needed space, she needed air. She couldn’t breathe. 

When she stood, Juliet turned as tears blurred her vision and her body staggered over to the nearest rock. Gasping for breath, her hand gripped the cold, rough surface. She could hear Ethan’s voice, calling her name, over and over. But the ringing was too loud and she couldn’t think of anything other than the sound of her own breathing. 

A gentle hand touched her shoulder and she whirled around. “Don’t touch me,” she demanded. Her own voice was unfamiliar to her. It was as frigid as the air around them. 

Ethan stood behind her, his mouth open in shock as he held his hands in a defensive stance. “Juliet, what’s wrong? Did I do something?” he asked slowly, as though approaching a wild beast.

Juliet’s eyes shot to the sky as a sharp laugh escaped her mouth. She just wanted a moment alone to herself, why couldn’t he give her that?

“I just need a minute,” she ground out before she turned and walked further away, deeper into the night. 

“Juliet!” Ethan called. 

She couldn’t think. She needed space to breathe. This was too much. 

Juliet had wanted to die that day.

Why didn’t they let her die? 

This wasn’t a life. She didn’t want any part of it. 

Her mind was screaming. Juliet wasn’t sure if it was just inside her head. She kept stumbling, tripping on rocks but managed to steady herself as she fought her way through the horror in her head. 

“Juliet, please!” Ethan shouted, more forcefully this time as he caught up to her. Juliet had stopped beside a tree, using the damp bark to steady herself. She was breathing heavy and tears poured down her face. 

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Ethan insisted, moving forward while Juliet began to press her back against the tree behind her. 

Juliet was sobbing now, she couldn’t answer him. She couldn’t even gather enough air to take a proper breath. Everything was moving too fast, she couldn’t keep up with anything. 

“Please,” she murmured, begging him to leave her as he stepped closer. 

“Shhhh,” Ethan whispered as he cradled her face in his hands. Juliet was trapped, entirely trapped against the tree. 

Then his forehead met hers as he continued to whisper soothing words but all Juliet could hear was her father’s voice screaming in her head. She could feel her father’s breath against her face, she could feel the force of his slap against her skin, she could feel herself slipping away into that same darkness. 

Another sob worked its way up her throat and, without warning, Ethan was ripped from his hold on her. Juliet blinked open her eyes, struggling to see through the tears. 

“She told you to leave her,” growled Joel as he gripped the back of Ethan’s shirt, whirling him around until he was pinned against a tree himself. In the fading light, Juliet watched as Ethan’s face transformed from shock to an intense, unbridled rage. 

Ethan barked out a cold laugh and Joel eased his grip, letting him slump against the tree. “You don’t think I know what this is about?” Ethan seethed, pointing between Joel and Juliet. 

Her breathing stopped entirely. 

“You think I haven’t seen the way he looks at you?” he accused, focusing on Juliet. 

Who was this man? This wasn’t Ethan. Ethan wasn’t cruel and threatening. 

He laughed again, this time harsher and he took another step towards Juliet. She caught sight of his hands - they were shaking with anger.

He didn’t manage to get any closer though, Joel caught him with a firm press of his hand against Ethan’s chest, pushing him backwards. Juliet flinched when he hit the ground. 

“There he is. Coming to save you again,” Ethan snarled from his position on the ground. 

“Ethan, stop,” she demanded. The ringing in her ears had grown louder. 

“No,” he said as he pushed himself off the ground, putting his palms in the air when Joel took a warning step towards him. “Juliet, who even is this guy?” he continued, nodding his head towards Joel. “He’s dangerous. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, like you’re a meal he’s waiting to devour. It’s sick,” Ethan spat. 

Juliet flinched again. She didn’t dare look at Joel. Her tears still flowed freely down her cheeks, only now, anger was her most prominent emotion.

“Ethan, you have no idea what you're talking about. You need to stop,” Juliet warned in a slow, icy tone. 

He scoffed. “I saved you, Juliet. Me.I gave you this knife,” he pulled the switchblade from his pocket, the rose carving illuminated by the moonlight. “I gave you your life back.” 

Something snapped inside Juliet. 

“And I wish you fucking hadn’t!” she yelled back. 

Her hands were curled at her sides, what was left of her fingernails pressed against her palms. Relief was sudden and intense as the words left her mouth.

“I wish you’d left me to rot in that basement years ago, so I wouldn’t have to live with this guilt,” Juliet seethed, her voice cracking on the last word. “So I wouldn’t have to find out everything the world had to offer and know that I could never have it,” she quietened, her words becoming softer but more brutal as she forced herself not to look at Joel. 

“You might have helped me run from my father, but he never really left me. Even now that he’s dead, I can’t escape him,” her words were pouring out from the deepest part of her soul. 

“So don’t fucking tell me that you saved me, because I gave up everythingfor you. I had a life in the QZ, I had a job, I had friends but I gave it all up to come back here, to sacrifice myself for you.”

Every selfish feeling she hadn’t dared vocalise was thrown out into the dark, sharpened with the bite of her words. 

“I was ready to die in that basement again. I wantedto die in that basement. Why couldn’t you have just let me die?” Juliet cried, her eyes finally moving from Ethan to Joel. She covered her mouth with her hands when she realised what she had said. Juliet didn’t recognise the look on Joel’s face. 

“Juliet, I’m -” Ethan started, but Juliet just shook her head, turned around and started running deeper into the forest. 

No footsteps followed her. 

……………………………………..

It could have been minutes later, or hours, but eventually Juliet slowed to a jog and found herself slumbled against a tree deep in the forest. 

Her hands shook so badly that she couldn’t even brush the hair from her face. 

God, what was wrong with her? Why did she say all of that? She had acted like a teenager, kicking off a temper tantrum then running away. 

Juliet reached her trembling fingers up to wipe her tears, then pressed the heel of her palm into her eyes, pushing deeper and deeper until she saw stars. 

When she opened them, Juliet caught sight of a torchlight in the distance. She froze, positioning her hands on the ground to push herself up. But then the movement stopped, the torch pointed downwards and then remained where it was.

Juliet let out a shaky breath. 

It was just Joel. 

He would never let her run into the woods alone, but he was still keeping his distance, giving Juliet her space. The realisation forced tears into her eyes again, burning her cheeks as they fell. 

Maybe she could just stay against this tree forever. Let nature take her. There was something poetic in that, she thought. 

As the minutes passed her by, embarrassment stung deeper than the cold in her fingers. Ethan was wrong, he shouldn’t have said what he said. But Juliet was wrong too. It wasn’t his fault she went back. It was her decision. It was bound to happen. And he hadsaved her, he had given her another shot at life. Juliet was just too deep in her grief to remember that. 

When she looked up again, the torchlight was closer. Juliet pushed herself to her feet, ready to face Joel. He must have noticed the movement because, seconds later, he stood in front of her. The bright light poured over her and she blinked, blinded by it. 

When her eyesight returned, Juliet finally dared to meet Joel’s eyes. 

She gasped. His eyes were black, but there was no anger lingering in them. They blazed with something different, something that frightened her. In the dull light, Juliet watched his throat move before one single word rushed from his lips. 

“Juliet” 

It was quiet and restrained, but Juliet gasped at the huskiness of his voice. It wasn’t a command, or a warning, but a plea…

Her vision blurred again and Juliet watched the crease between Joel’s eyebrows deepen in response. 

Without thinking, Juliet moved. Her body crashed against his like two ships finding each other after a brutal storm. Her arms instantly wrapped around his back, her fingers gripping the material of his shirt, pulling him closer. 

Joel responded immediately, as though he had predicted her movements. His hand raised to cradle the back of her head as her face pressed against the front of his shirt, his other hand reached her back, his fingers still curled around the torch. 

For the first time that day, Juliet inhaled a deep breath and allowed it to flow out of her without restraint. Joel held her tight, adjusting his arms to pull her closer. He smelled just as he always had, and Juliet had never felt so safe. 

Tears stained his shirt, but he didn’t seem to mind. 

“Shhh,” he murmured when his chin met the top of her head, Juliet could feel the sharp scruff of his beard scratch her skull. “You’re safe,” he continued, his deep voice somehow even lower than it usually was. 

After an eternity in his arms, Juliet pulled away from Joel’s hold. His hands didn’t leave her though, they dropped to her arms, forming a light grip on her. Juliet’s cheeks warmed at his desperate need to touch her at all times. 

“I’m sorry for what I said,” she croaked, licking the tears off of her lips. 

Joel followed her movement with his sharp gaze, then drifted back up to meet her eyes. 

“Nothin’ to apologise for,” he affirmed, shifting his stance. 

“I didn’t mean any of it, I -” 

“You did mean it,” he interrupted. 

Juliet's denial died on her tongue. 

In the dim torchlight, Juliet watched Joel work his jaw and let his eyes drift to the trees behind before they returned to her face. 

“Saw it on your face when that clicker had you cornered in Cody,” he started, pausing to let go of her arm and run his hand over the bottom of his face. Juliet felt cold without his touch. She feared where this conversation would take them. “Looked like you were givin’ up.” 

Juliet’s breath caught in her throat. She wanted to shake her head, deny every bit of dread in the pit of her stomach, deny every terrible, selfish thought in her head… But she couldn’t, she couldn’t lie to Joel. Not after everything. 

Juliet looked away, asking the trees for help as she whispered her next words. “What’s left for me Joel? I was supposed to die. I was ready to die -” 

Joel’s rough fingers found her cheek and tilted her face back up to his. “Don’t” he ordered, his pupils flaring. “If you’d died…” he trailed off, closing his eyes for a moment. 

Juliet held her breath. 

“When we found you, I thought you were dead,” Joel breathed, his words a whisper in the wind. Juliet thought she had imagined them, until he continued. “Your head was turned at this sick angle and you were so still. There was so much blood.”

Juliet’s hands started shaking again. 

Joel held her gaze as he worked his jaw, gritting his teeth hard. “You’ve no idea what that did to me,” he ground out, his words slow and heavy. 

“I lost it. Saw red. Just started punchin’” 

She flinched, imagining her father’s face at the mercy of his fist. Juliet glanced down at his knuckles, still cracked and red. 

“I’d brought you there. I’d got you killed,” he announced, his voice clear and steady. 

“No -” Juliet tried to interrupt. Juliet had orchestrated her return home entirely herself, Joel had no part in her fate. 

He squeezed her arm firmer for a moment before easing his grip entirely. Juliet’s mouth hung open, desperate to deny his claims. 

“You were my responsibility. Mine to protect, and I failed you,” he said, his voice cracking on the last words. 

He paused, letting the moment stretch out between them. 

“There was a time I thought I’d lost everythin’, when I thought it was the end for me,” Joel said quietly. Then he swallowed rough, as though the words were choking him. His voice was a candle in the dark, an anchor in a storm, and she was caught in it. 

“I couldn’t see the point anymore, simple as that,” he continued with a slight shake of his head. “And I wasn’t scared either. I was ready.”

“Couldn’t have been more ready,” he insisted. 

Juliet’s hand found his wrist, and she squeezed, desperately reminding her that he was still there with her. 

“When I pulled the trigger, I flinched.”

Juliet froze, every muscle in her body locked up. She struggled to see Joel’s face through the pool of tears in her eyes threatening to spill down her cheeks at any moment. 

“Still don’t know why,” he clarified, with a shrug. Then his fingers found her chin again, and he soothed small circles into her skin. 

“The reason I’m tellin’ you all this -”

“I know why,” Juliet insisted with a whisper. And she did. Joel could read her mind, could understand her deepest fears better than herself. Of course he saw where her mind was heading. Of course he took her words seriously. 

She leaned into his touch, closing her eyes. “I just don’t know if I have the energy anymore, Joel,” she admitted as the tears finally fell. 

A muscle jumped in his jaw, and he titled his head down towards her. “You gotta find it. You gotta find somethin’ to live for’” he said, his voice dark and husky. 

“Stay with me,” he murmured into her hair after a long moment. 

Juliet let Joel’s confession wash over her. Her mind was still filled with monsters and gripped by a terror she didn’t think she’d ever escape. It would be so easy to sit against that tree again, let the roots sink in, allow the moss to cover her and fade away into nothing but a memory. 

It would be so easy to die.

This world wasn’t made for the living anymore, it was designed to hurt and maim and kill. Juliet could so easily let it. 

Yet at every turn in the road, fate had saved her. She had been forced back onto the path which eventually led her to this moment, to this decision. In the back of her mind, she recalled an old poem she’d found tucked into one of her father’s bibles.

Juliet could no longer just exist, she had to make a decision. Choose a path. Choose to live. Choose to hope for something better, something worth living for. 

She inhaled a breath, her head still cradled by the feeling of Joel’s chin against her hair. 

Juliet didn’t have a home anymore. But maybe she could make a new one. 

As she released the air trapped in her lungs, her head tipped downwards and Joel followed her movement. 

She nodded. 

Juliet had chosen her path. 

……………………………………………..

The next day, Juliet’s steps were quicker, more urgent. 

She hadn’t spoken to Ethan, she still needed time. But the three of them crossed rivers and fields, and Juliet, for the first time in a long while, felt that seed of hope plant itself within her. 

Juliet walked side by side with Joel, their arms occasionally brushing against each other, but he didn’t move away, and neither did she. Whatever was between them was still unspoken, but Juliet found she enjoyed the unacknowledged whispers of their accidental touches. 

So, when morning shifted into the afternoon and they spotted something moving in the distance, Juliet didn’t hesitate to grab Joel’s arm, to wrap her hand around his wrist. 

But as the figures moved closer, Juliet was more confused than frightened. 

With a gasp, she realised what was headed towards them. 

“Horses.” 

________________________________

@amyispxnk @shotgun-shelby @http-paprika

#joel miller #joel miller x female oc #joel miller x reader #joel miller x original character #joel miller x oc #joel miller hbo #joel miller fic #joel miller fanfic #joel miller angst #ao3 fanfic #tlou #the last of us #joel tlou #the last of us hbo #Spotify #pedro pascal

[cinnamongorll]

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a fragile line - chapter 22

read on ao3 (111k words) | previous chapter | masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female OC

Tags: extreme slow burn, age gap, older man/younger woman, protective joel, jealous joel, hurt/comfort, pov third person, mutual pining, angst, sexual tension, friends to lovers, canon-typical violence, feral joel, parental abuse, eventual smut.

Series synopsis: three years ago, Juliet escaped her father's religious survivor camp, ending up in the Boston QZ. Juliet created a life for herself in Boston, desperate to forget the trauma of her upbringing. One day, Juliet arrives home to find a mysterious letter which forces her to return to her home town. Juliet can't travel the harsh post-apocalyptic landscape alone, so she enlists the help of the grumpy and, at times, frightening man she works alongside: Joel Miller.

Word count: 7.3k

no context spoiler for this chapter: pride and prejudice mr. darcy hand flex scene ;)

Chapter 22: 'Running Up That Hill'

Juliet's POV:

Juliet ran her finger over the map, tracing the colourful lines on the crinkled paper. The low autumn sun filtered in through the truck windows, tossing golden light onto her trembling hands. Juliet hadn’t stopped shaking since she awoke in the woods two days prior, when she finally regained some sort of lucidity. Luckily, the vibrations from the truck masked the tremble as her whole body shook with the speed of the vehicle. Joel’s driving was always an experience.  

They followed a series of bold blue lines to Cody. Joel was adamant that they would find his brother there. Juliet wasn’t so sure. She didn’t much believe in hope anymore. 

As they continued down the never ending highway, the surrounding trees began to lessen and, having lost their shadows, the sun started to blind Juliet. She squinted her eyes against the rays and her trembling fingers rose to reach for the sun visor. But as she leaned forward, the muscles in her stomach stretched and her body screamed in pain with the brutal reminder of her burn. Juliet groaned low and her arm instantly returned to her side. Sweat broke out across her forehead as she inhaled deep breaths, attempting to slow her heart rate. 

Days had passed but the pain showed no sign of lessening and Juliet was sick of playing the weakling. It was an effort not to make any more noise as pain continued to ripple through her, so she sucked in a silent breath through gritted teeth and waited for the fire in her stomach to dwindle. 

One shallow breath later and a hand, still stained with the memory of blood, reached over from its resting position on the wheel and pulled down her visor. Juliet blinked as the sun was shielded from her vision and her eyes cut to the man the hand belonged to. Joel’s stare was unreadable and his eyes dropped to her stomach before returning to her shocked face. “Careful” he murmured, before his gaze latched onto the road again.

Juliet blinked slowly, still shaken by his momentary close proximity. Somehow, no matter how long they went without a shower, Joel always managed to keep his musky scent of pine and smoke. Juliet wanted to bathe in it, let the smell entirely surround her. It reminded her of working in the QZ, side by side with Joel. It reminded her of nights spent sleeping in Bill’s truck or tucked in sleeping bags under the stars. It reminded her of that night in the dark house, her hands still soaked with his blood as she felt the scruff of his jaw scratch against her skin.  

Juliet’s hand involuntarily tensed, crinkling the map with her clenched fingers. She began to build that brick wall in her mind again, closing that memory in, desperate to keep it tucked away. Joel had killed her father. He was right, though, he had to do it, her father had to die. But how could she know that and still react the way she did to the memory of his lips on hers? She was sick, deranged even. 

Joel was wrong for her. He was too old, too angry, too mean. And yet Juliet was unable to breathe around him; when he brushed against her or held her aching body under the stars. She blinked away that memory too. 

Juliet shook her head, desperate to focus on the map in front of her. Joel was relying on her for directions, just as he had throughout their whole journey together. Ethan had attempted to sit shotgun that morning, going so far as to open the door and take the seat. Joel wasn’t having it, though. He had claimed that Ethan couldn’t read a map “for shit” and was determined that Juliet take the seat beside him. 

They had argued for a while, until Joel became almost frighteningly silent and Ethan got in the back with a few choice curse words under his breath. Juliet hadn’t realised he’d known those words. 

Now, Ethan sat with his arms crossed and his eyes latched firmly on the back of Joel’s head. Juliet snuck a peak behind her, the best she could in her pained state, and Ethan quickly met her eyes with a small smile. She tried to return the gesture but her mouth curved into more of a grimace. Juliet knew that Ethan wasn’t happy with her, that he didn’t like Joel and didn’t want to be stuck in this truck with him. But he had stayed, for her…

Juliet’s chest tightened as her debt to him increased. 

They would reach Cody within the next couple hours. Joel was worried about the dark so the plan was to find somewhere to lay low for the night before they began to scope out the town in the morning. Juliet could feel Joel’s anxiety. Somehow, his broad shoulders grew tighter as they closed in on the last place his brother had contacted him from. His regular tapping on the wheel increased at a rapid speed, Juliet didn’t think he was even aware of it.

She was desperate to reach over and enclose her hand over his. 

As Joel shifted gears and increased his speed, Juliet allowed her mind to wander. She allowed herself to think about comforting him the way he had comforted her. How would he react to her touch? Would Joel welcome her attention? Or brush her off? 

There were so many lines they walked: between smuggler and cargo, friend and acquaintance, accomplice and opponent. Juliet was afraid to bridge the gap, the guilt that lived inside her raged with every thought of Joel’s touch. Ethan was in the backseat, Ethan had saved her, he had suffered for years because of her. She couldn’t do that to him. She couldn’t even visualise Joel returning her feelings. Juliet didn’t even know what those feelings were, but more and more she was struggling to deny that they existed.

…………………………………………………

When they reached Cody, they all sat up a bit straighter. The light was fading fast, but Juliet’s breath caught at the mountains towering over the town. They made her feel small, made everything seem small. The silence was heavy between them and Joel began to tense. Juliet didn’t dare look at his face, she couldn’t bear to see that scrunch of his eyebrows which hinted at danger ahead. They had been through too much, and everything inside her mind was still so blurry. Juliet couldn’t handle another trauma - she could barely remember the last one. 

Ethan leaned forward, resting his forearm on the back of Juliet’s seat and pushing the front of his body into the space between Joel and Juliet. Juliet shifted closer to the door to make room for his presence. 

“See any demons?” he whispered as the truck slowly moved down the city street.

Joel’s eyes cut to Ethan, a question printed on his face.

“He means the infected,” Juliet murmured as she continued staring straight ahead. Their community didn’t know much about the current blight of the world. Her father had always called them ‘demons’ but never went into detail. Juliet remembered the first time she saw an infected person, stumbling around in a carpark with Blake by her side. She remembered the sound of his gunshot in her ears when it fell to the ground.

Joel didn’t respond, he just tensed his hand on the wheel. Juliet could tell he was entirely focused on their surroundings, scanning every shop window, every corner of every darkening street they passed.

“Looks clear to me,” Ethan announced in a hard voice following the heavy silence, tilting his head towards Juliet. But she wasn’t looking at him. She was scanning the roads like Joel, holding her breath with every passing second. It was almost too quiet in Cody, surely they would have seen at least one infected stumbling around somewhere. Juliet began to curl her fingers into fists, ignoring the pain from her tender palms. 

If Tommy wasn’t here, if there was nowhere for them to go… Juliet didn’t know if there was enough room in her soul to house another blow.

Joel slowed the truck to a stop on what looked like a mainstreet. They said nothing for a moment, still waiting, still listening for danger. Sometimes, in the silence, there lay the deadliest of threats.  

“We’ll get out,” Joel began his command, before cutting his eyes to Ethan, “Quietly ” he insisted with raised eyebrows. Juliet watched as Ethan rolled his eyes and sank backwards into the back of the truck. 

“We don’t know what’s out there, but we gotta find somewhere to stay for the night,” Joel continued. Juliet nodded in response, used to this routine. She felt renewed by this small sense of purpose, this small comfort of familiarity. 

For his next instruction, Joel turned in his seat, facing Ethan. “Don’t do anythin’ stupid” he ground out in a low, dark voice, as his eyes narrowed. Juliet attempted to swallow down the tension which lay thick in the air. 

After a long moment, Ethan muttered out an agreement then bent forward and began to rifle through his backpack, before pulling out a handgun and making sure it was loaded. They must have cleared out the armoury before leaving the community, because Juliet and Joel had one too, along with two shotguns in the back. 

Before she could attempt to lean forward, and aggravate the burn on her stomach, her backpack landed on her lap. Joel leaned over the gear stick, his scent of pine and smoke washing over her, as he began to search through her bag, finding her gun and ammo and depositing them into Juliet’s awaiting hands. When he was done, he moved to his own backpack and did the same. 

Tears threatened to fill Juliet’s eyes. The silent gesture from Joel flooded her body with a comforting warmth. Juliet didn’t say thank you, she knew Joel wouldn’t want her to. She just loaded her gun and blinked away her glossy eyes, quietly steeling herself for what the night would bring. 

……………………………

They exited the truck as the sky darkened into a vibrant shade of navy blue. Juliet’s legs were stiff and her body felt unusually heavy, her limbs trembled with the chill in the air. The weather had changed rapidly in the last few days, autumn was now truly upon them and Juliet wished for a warmer wardrobe. Joel had found her a new shirt, to replace the one they had to cut open, but the soft flannel wasn’t enough to shield her body from the cold. 

Her backpack hung from her hand as Juliet braced herself to swing it over her shoulders, she knew the strain that would have on her stomach. So she took a couple deep breaths and listened to the quiet sounds of Ethan rounding the truck towards her, before biting her lip and begining to lift her arms. 

Her backpack had barely moved before a heavy weight landed on her shoulders with a warmth which forced a low groan to instantly release from her lips. She looked down and realised that it was a jacket… Joel���s jacket. The jacket was far too big for her, almost swallowing her down to her knees. Joel stood before her, staring down at her wide eyes and gently took the backpack from her icy hands. 

“Joel, no. I can’t take this,” she protested, trying to shrug the jacket from her shoulders.

Joel raised his free hand, silencing her.

“Take it,” he commanded, leaving no room for a returning argument.

She wanted to fight back on this, demand that Joel take his jacket back. But it was so warm and it smelled so much like him, and Juliet was so cold. So, she nodded slowly and pulled her arms through the sleeves, rolling them up so her hands could move freely. When Joel was satisfied, he lifted her bag and threaded her arms through the straps, until it hung securely from her back. 

Juliet’s cheeks were burning. She hated that she couldn’t do this for herself, that her injury retrained almost every movement she made. And she hated that Joel saw her like this, as weak and defenceless, as something he had to look after, like a child. Her father had done this to her, he had taken away her dignity and all that was left was a shell of who Juliet once was. She wasn’t a survivor anymore, she was barely a person. 

Joel’s eyes scanned her face and Juliet watched as a muscle jumped in his tight jaw. She nodded again, this time to show her gratitude. Joel just looked at her a moment longer and moved away, facing the darkening street in front of them as he sorted his own backpack.

Juliet pulled the jacket tighter around her and turned to find Ethan leaning on the side of the truck, an unreadable expression covered his face. But he wasn’t looking at her, he was looking at the jacket now hanging loose on her shivering form. His eyebrows pinched together and he ran his free hand over his mouth, before he tugged the corners of his lips into his signature smile, which didn’t quite reach his eyes, and gestured with a tilt of his head that they should get moving. 

Joel walked with his usual quick stride, his heavy steps somehow quiet on the concrete ground. Juliet held her gun steady in her hand, Ethan, who walked beside her, did the same. When Juliet looked closer at Ethan, she noticed his hands were trembling and his shoulders were tight. A sharp bolt of pity fired through her when she remembered that Ethan had no real experience with the outside world. As they walked down this empty street, the masked terror in Ethan’s eyes reminded her of the girl Blake found in the woods all those years ago. She ached to reach out, to offer some comfort, some reassurance for her friend but she needed to keep her wits about her. With every step they took, Juliet grew more and more uneasy. Surely Tommy wasn’t hiding out here? It was too open, too achingly quiet. 

Juliet knew that Joel wouldn’t want to go far from the truck so she was unsurprised when his steps slowed outside a building with minimal broken windows and somewhat undisturbed brickwork. He turned to Juliet, tossed his shotgun over his shoulder, and nodded their usual signal for her to keep watch. Her eyes instantly focused on the streets, listening intently for anything amiss as Joel began the work of finding an entry into the building. 

Ethan started to pace, holding his gun out in front of him. Even in the near complete darkness, with only the moon to light their surroundings, Juliet could see that Ethan’s eyes had taken on a glaze of wild fear. 

“Ethan,” she hissed, trying desperately to get his attention without making much noise.

Ethan’s eyes quickly cut to her but only for a second before they latched back onto the dark street. She tried again, this time moving closer to him. “What’s wrong?” she whispered urgently.

Ethan had stopped pacing. He stood eerily still as he lifted his gun higher. Panic struck Juliet with a fierce blow when she realised that he was aiming at something. 

Juliet squinted her eyes, searching through the darkness for the source of Ethan’s terror. 

Her breath caught when she spotted it. There. A figure stumbling out from behind a car. 

Juliet would recognise those jerky movements anywhere. 

An infected.

And Ethan had his gun trained on it. But he didn’t know what the infected were like. He didn't know that if saw one then there were probably hundreds somewhere else, just waiting for a sound to alert them of their presence. 

“Ethan, no ” Juliet hissed, reaching her hand towards him. 

But it was too late.

Ethan fired the shot and, of course, even in the dark, it landed on its target. Ethan was the one to teach Juliet how to shoot, after all. The infected fell to the ground without a sound, but the gunshot was deafening.

She froze, her hand still outstretched as Joel rushed up to Ethan and pried the gun from his hands.

“What the fuck are you doin’?” Joel demanded, grabbing hold of Ethan’s shoulder with his free hand. Ethan turned to him, his eyes wide.

“I did it,” he gushed, attempting to shrug off Joel’s crushing grip. “I killed one of them.”

“Yeah and lit up a target on our heads. Every infected in the area is gonna follow that sound directly to us,” Joel fumed, doing his best to keep his voice low, but his rage was screaming out of him. 

Ethan recoiled, the relief gone. Joel let him tug himself free. “Shit,” Ethan cursed, running his hand through his hair. 

“We need to move,” Juliet whispered, searching Joel’s face for instructions. 

Before Joel could answer. Before any of them could move. They heard the sound Juliet dreaded with every fibre of her soul.

Gargling. Screeching. Footsteps, pounding on the concrete.

Without a second thought, Joel grabbed Juleit’s arm and pulled her towards the store. Juliet stumbled to the door, her fear weighing her down. She turned and saw, from the distance, a black mass moving at lightning speed, hitting off of abandoned cars and stumbling over each other. 

Joel was right. Ethan had led a mass of infected right to them. 

Joel pulled against the latch he had just burst open with the handle of his shotgun, pulling the door open and pushing Juliet through. She didn’t have a choice, Joel had moved so quickly she hadn't even had time to protest, to beg for Joel to help Ethan. Within seconds the door was shut and Juliet was alone in the darkness. 

She turned to the window, her heart was beating so fast she could hear her blood rushing in her ears. From the foggy glass she could see Joel and Ethan arguing before Joel grabbed hold of Ethan’s shirt and dragged him towards the door. Juliet stumbled back as they entered, Ethan ran straight into her chest, knocking the air out of her. It took everything in Juliet to not scream in pain.

“Watch it,” Joel growled at Ethan. 

Ethan had stumbled to the wall and dropped his head into his hands. His fingers were shaking.

“Quick, barricade the door,” Juliet urged, trying her best to bend towards a cabinet but Joel got there first, gently nudging her out the way and pushing the cabinet in front of the door. Juliet moved towards the window, and instantly jumped back at the horror outside the shop.

The infected had descended upon the street. Hundreds stumbling about in the dark, their heads turning at unnatural angles attempting to hear the sounds of their victims. Juliet turned around slowly, her finger glued to her lips.

Joel froze at the sight of her face and moved to the window. They both gazed out, Juliet's shoulder pressed against Joel’s bicep. The muscles in his arm were tense right down to his clenched hand against the windowsill. She could still make out the cuts on his knuckles. The evidence of what he had done for her. Juliet couldn’t let this be the end of his story, when he was so close to finding his brother. Joel deserved peace. He deserved a life without broken knuckles and blood on his hands. 

Despite her fuzzy brain and the lightheadedness that had begun to dilute her thoughts. Juliet scrambled to create a plan.

“We keep quiet, keep out of sight tonight. Then, in the morning we can plan a way out of here,” Juliet murmured, glad that Joel stood so close so she didn’t have to speak any louder and risk one of the infected hearing. In the morning light, they would be able to see a way out of this mess. 

Joel nodded and his face tilted down towards her. ‘Upstairs’ he mouthed with a jerk of his chin. 

Juliet agreed they had to get as far away from the door as possible. Tucked further into the building, they might have a chance of surviving the night. 

Ethan still stood pressed against the wall. Juliet gestured to him that they should find their way upstairs and he nodded, finally understanding the gravity of their situation and the need to stay quiet. Juliet would be lying if she said she wasn’t annoyed at this callousness. He should have known better. He should have listened to her, listened to Joel. Juliet wondered if he felt a need to prove himself by killing that infected, to prove that he could survive in this world like she had. Juliet had never known Ethan to be a jealous person, but the years changed people. She knew that more than anyone.

Despite her annoyance, she still brushed her fingers against his hand as she walked past him towards the stairs. Yet, before she could take the first step, Joel tapped her shoulder and raised his hand, asking her to wait. She paused, a question on her lips. Then she watched as Joel reluctantly handed Ethan his gun back. Ethan wrapped his hand around the handle but Joel wouldn’t let go. He held tight even as Ethan pulled against the weapon. Ethan pulled again, harder this time. But Joel held steady.

Just when Juliet was about to step in, Joel grabbed the collar of Ethan’s shirt, pulling him in close. Joel whispered in his ear, words that Juliet was unable to make out. When he was finished, Joel let go and Ethan stumbled back a couple steps, the gun now in his hands. Juliet cringed as Ethan gained his footing, worried he would make a sound by crashing into something. 

Joel turned back to her with the slightest hint of satisfaction in his tense expression. Juliet furrowed her eyebrows but allowed Joel to step around her and begin their slow, silent journey up the stairs with his gun raised in one hand and his torch now gripped in the other, lighting their way.

With each step, Joel paused, testing the stability of the steps. Juliet thought back to their time in the museum in Boston, when the entire staircase crumbled beneath them. It felt like a lifetime ago. Back then, Juliet had known exactly where her life would take her. She had a purpose. She had a reason to keep going. Now… Juliet wasn’t exactly sure why she was still putting one foot in front of the other. 

She tensed her fingers around the handle of her gun, following Joel’s footsteps as they inched their way up the stairs. Ethan was a few steps behind her, she could hear his quiet breaths. 

When Joel reached the stop, Juliet paused, waiting for him to sweep the hallway with his torch. They stayed silent, it still wasn’t safe to make a sound as more infected could be hidden upstairs. After a moment, Joel nodded down at them and Juliet stepped onto the hardwood floor. She had thought this was a store, but she was wrong. It looked more like an office building. If they could find an office at the back and barricade the door, they could stay safe until morning light where they could use the window to plot their way back to the truck. 

Juliet eased a slow breath from her lips, finally feeling the weight on her shoulders ease. Just a few more steps, sweep the upstairs, then they could rest. Juliet struggled to stand for too long, her head still ached with the force of her father’s blow, along with the bruising on her ankles. She was ashamed at how weak her father had made her. 

Joel walked forward, avoiding a couple crumbling floorboards and pointed his torch into the first room. Juliet was about to signal to Joel that they should split up, sweep the rooms individually then meet back in the hallway. But then she thought of Ethan and his trigger happy tendencies and she restrained herself with a grimace. They should stick together. 

Juliet followed Joel into the first room, surprised by the lavish furnishing. It was large, far larger than her father’s office had been. Against the far wall, sat a desk with a leather chair, and as Joel swung around the torch she realised there were two other rooms housed within this deceptively massive space. 

Realising Ethan wasn’t behind her, she turned, searching for him in the darkness. Not daring to say his name and disturb the quiet, Juliet walked back towards the door, her steps quickening with her increasing panic. Where was he? What was wrong? Was he hurt? 

Every worried thought vanished from Juliet’s head as she crashed to the floor.

With Joel’s torch pointed in the other direction, Juliet hadn’t seen the box on the ground. She hit the hard floor with a piercing cry, landing on her stomach. Juliet had to breathe through the intense pulse of nausea which attacked her. 

“Ethan!” she cried, still searching for him, even from her position on the floor. 

“Juliet!” Joel bellowed from the far corner of the room, as he ran over towards her.

As Juliet lifted her head, everything went into slow motion.

She could hear Joel’s footsteps thundering towards her, his torchlight bouncing off of the walls. And as the light hit the entryway, she noticed a black crack staining what was left of the white paint above the door. That wasn’t odd, every building was covered in cracks. 

This one, however, was growing, rapidly.

“Ethan!” she screamed, not caring anymore who could hear her. 

“I'm coming!” he yelled back, it sounded as though he was in a different room. 

“No, no, no, no,” Juliet began to murmur, louder and louder, because the crack wasn’t just a crack anymore, it was a gaping hole in the wall. And as Juliet muttered out her final ‘ no’ the ceiling over the entryway came crashing down in a cloud of plaster and brick.

…………………………………

When the ceiling had finished collapsing, leaving only the wooden beams of the attic to protect them from the sky, Joel’s hands finally found her. He gripped Juliet by the shoulders and pulled her to her feet, his breaths heavy in her ear. 

“You alright?” he demanded, brushing the white dust off of her face. His eyes were wild as they scanned her from head to toe.

Juliet gripped his arm tight and leaned forward, vomiting at their feet.

It really was like their time in the museum , she thought, grimly.  

“Shhh,” Joel murmured, pulling back her knotted strands of dark hair as she continued to spit bile onto the floor. 

Juliet couldn’t even feel the embarrassment of the situation. All she could focus on was the pain in her body and the warm touch of Joel’s fingers in her hair. 

But as her mind returned to her, fierce panic struck her cold.

“Ethan,” she coughed. “He was in the hallway, Joel. Oh god, what if he’s…” she stuttered, her words spilling out of her. The rubble had sealed them in, she couldn’t see into the hallway at all. 

“Etha -” she started to scream, moving to push past Joel. But he was quicker. Joel pulled Juliet to him so her backpack was pressed tight against his chest and he curled his large hand over her mouth. Juliet wriggled against him, trying to free herself from his intense grip. 

Then she heard the sound that haunted so many of her nightmares.

Click. 

Click. 

Click.  

Juliet choked on her breath, thankful for Joel’s hand over her mouth to quiet the sound. 

Click. 

Click. 

Click. 

They heard it again. This time, she could make out which direction it was coming from. The door to their left was left open and she could see a shadow starting to make its way towards the main room. Joel’s torch lay somewhere on the floor behind them, casting dramatic shadows over the room. 

Juliet reached her hand out to grip Joel’s. He squeezed back, curling his fingers over her own, squeezing, as he released his other hand from her mouth. Juliet felt Joel slide his hand around to his back pocket and pull out his handgun. Another flood of panic struck her. Her gun flew from her hand when she tripped. It was somewhere on the floor, but without proper lighting, she couldn’t see where. 

She needed that gun if she was going to get out of here. Without thinking, Juliet released Joel’s hand and took a step forward… onto a loose floorboard.

First, the wood screeched and groaned and Juliet froze, her entire body pausing mid-step. She squeezed her eyes shut and waited, cursing herself for her own stupidity.

Then came a different screech. A gargling, wet, scream erupted from the other room and the clicker came barreling into the main office space. 

Juliet felt Joel grab her by the backpack and swing her around until she stood behind him. He raised his gun, aiming for the clicker’s head, but the shadows were making it difficult and it was getting too close. 

Joel slammed into the clicker, still firing shots. Juliet watched in horror, she had no weapons, nothing to help kill the monster in his arms. Her eyes were wide and frantic as she scanned the floor for her gun. 

Click. 

Click. 

Click. 

Juliet’s head turned with a dizzying speed. There it was. Another clicker. It must have been in the back room. And now, it was headed straight for her. 

Juliet darted to the side, evading its first attack. But as she moved, she quickly realised that she was backing herself into a wall. A scream crawled its way up her throat and she tried to dart her eyes towards Joel, but there was no time. 

The clicker was rapidly approaching, Juliet could smell the decay simmering on its body. If she wasn’t so terrified she would have gagged again. Having no weapons, Juliet did the next best thing: she grabbed the large leather chair and swung it in front of her as the clicker finally caught up to her.

It slammed into the leather and what remained of its teeth snapped at her from behind the chair as its almost claw-like fingers missed her face by an inch. Her terror overpowered her, she didn’t realise it at first, but she was screaming. A fierce, blood curdling scream. 

Across the room she heard another shot and the sound of a body hitting the ground. Through a gap in the chair, her eyes caught sight of a clicker on the ground. Dead. 

“Jul -” Joel started to shout before he was cut off. 

There was another clicker, behind Joel this time. Like Juliet, he was backed into a wall. 

Tears started to flood down Juliet’s face as the clicker continued its snarling attack while Juliet crouched in terror. Juliet was beginning to realise that this wasn’t quite like the museum, afterall. Back then, Juliet had a weapon. Back then, Juliet had Joel. Back then, Juliet had a reason to fight.

But what was left for her now? Why was she still fighting against these monsters? She had nothing to protect herself with - what was the point?

Her father was dead. She had saved Ethan, and now he might be dead too. She had no family, nowhere to go. No real reason to go on. 

Maybe there was nowhere safe left in the world. Maybe, in every room, in every building, in every city, there was a monster in the closet. Juliet didn’t know if she had the energy to fight them anymore.

She was supposed to die in that basement. She had accepted it. 

Maybe now, it was time. 

With another sob, Juliet eased her grip on the chair. Her decision washed over her, calming her terror. She’d had enough. She was done. 

Still sheltered by the chair, Juliet used her last moment to find Joel. Tears blurred her vision, but she could make out his blurry figure kicking and slashing at the clicker. He was yelling something. Juliet thought it might be her name. But she wasn’t sure. 

Without realising, Juliet had regained her grip on the chair, pushing it back against the clicker, stifling its attack. Her body shook with its movements. She continued staring at Joel as her panic returned. As she watched him struggle against the monster, Juliet struggled to catch her breath. 

She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t watch Joel die. This wasn’t fair. He had to find his brother. He had to live. He still had a reason to go on. 

He wasn’t supposed to die. 

Juliet couldn’t look away from his quick, sharp movements. He drove his knife into the clicker over and over, with such strength and such fury as he screamed her name. 

“Joel!” she yelled back, her voice croaky as his name spilled out of her without warning.

He had a knife.

Wait.

So did she. 

Juliet braced herself, pushing with all her strength in her left arm as she freed her right and slid it down into her boot. When she brought it back up to push against the leather chair, between her fingers was her rose carved switchblade. 

Her father’s guards hadn’t taken it.

It had been in her boot this whole time. 

Juliet screamed with every bit of fury still left in her weary soul and pushed against the chair, knocking the clicker backwards. With the adrenaline pumping through her veins, her pain was no longer a concern, and Juliet leapt to her feet, scrambling over the chair. With one push from her finger, the blade sprung free. The clicker grabbed her shoulder, pulling her towards it, its teeth ready to slash into her neck. 

But Juliet was faster. She used the clicker’s momentum to twist her body to the side and drive her knife into its neck. Black, slimy blood splattered across her face but the clicker kept coming at her. Juliet pulled the knife out with a force which almost knocked her backwards. She stumbled but straightened enough to drive the knife towards the clicker’s head, all while dodging its vicious attacks.

She pierced its open skull with her blade.

The clicker slowed but its attack continued. 

Juliet pulled back and stabbed into the skull again, as the clicker’s fingers sliced against Joel’s jacket. 

This time, the clicker dropped to the ground, releasing its grip on her. 

For good measure, Juliet bent down and brought her knife down another few times. Not caring as more blood splattered her face. 

“Juliet!” Joel grunted out from across the room. 

She twisted, launching to her feet, almost tripping over the first fallen clicker as she ran to Joel. 

Near him on the floor, she could see her gun lying where she had dropped it. 

She picked it up, moved towards the clicker and fired a shot. 

The clicker was propelled backwards with the bullet in its neck and the force from Joel’s kick. But it wasn’t enough, she needed a shot in the head. Juliet put all of her fear, anger and desperation into her next shot. 

The clicker stilled on the floor, inky black blood oozing from its many wounds. 

The clicker was dead but Juliet’s body was like a live wire. Her fingers shook so hard she thought she might drop her gun. 

Her eyes moved from the monster on the floor to the man against the wall. Joel stood with his hands on his knees, breathing heavy. 

“Are you okay?” Juliet gasped out as she staggered over to him, tucking her gun into her pocket. 

Before she could reach him, Joel closed the gap between them in two strides, grabbing hold of her shoulders. His face was coated in sweat and his eyes were blazing, they were entirely black. Juliet should have been terrified of him. He was the picture of danger and rage. But all she felt was relief. He was alive. He was safe. He was okay. 

Joel’s hands moved from her shoulders to her face. His fingers roamed over her forehead, down to her chin, behind her neck, across her collarbone, under his jacket, under her flannel. 

“Don’t ever do that to me again,” Joel growled as his fingers continued their exploration. Juliet thought he was looking for bites but this felt different. It felt like he was assessing every inch of her, desperately feeling for himself if she was alive, if she was actually standing in front of him. 

Juliet did the same, she reached up to his face and cupped her hand over his jaw as her eyes met his. “Do what?” she whispered back. Her body shivered with Joel’s touch. He was unrelenting, his hands roamed everywhere. After a long look into her questioning eyes, his head dropped to her neck and his lips started to roam the delicate skin behind her ear. Juliet couldn’t help the moan that slipped out.

“Make me think you were dead,” Joel replied with a murmur against her neck. Juliet felt his words under her skin, his rough, low, voice sank deeper, and deeper into her body. 

“Can’t lose you,” he continued as his hands squeezed her waist. It was like he was in a trance, Juliet could feel his heartbeat pounding against her chest. She felt frenzied, she couldn’t get enough of him. Was this how being alive was supposed to feel?

Joel pulled back until their eyes met again. His black stare melted into her own as his hand left her waist and his thumb brushed over her lips. 

“So beautiful,” he said with a low growl which, combined with his southern drawl, made his words almost unintelligible. 

But Juliet heard him, and she could read the words written in his deep stare. His thumb brushed back and forth over her lips and warmth flooded Juliet’s entire body.

With a low groan rumbling from his chest, Joel closed the gap between them. 

His mouth crashed onto Juliet’s and Joel wasted no time parting her lips. Their kiss wasn’t sweet, it wasn’t nice, it wasn’t gentle. It was hot, messy, and wrong, so wrong. Joel’s fingers gripped the back of her neck, pushing her closer, holding her in place as his mouth claimed her’s. Juliet palmed his chest, reaching under his shirt, gripping his belt, pulling him closer. She needed him with a primal intensity. Colours flashed across her vision as their teeth crashed into each other. 

Joel’s chest rumbled with low growls as Juliet attempted to say his name with every quick breath. Her mind echoed over and over: Joel, Joel, Joel, Joel. It was like a chant, a prayer. But she needed more. The hand tucked under his shirt spread around to his back and Juliet scratched her torn nails down his skin. Joel’s tongue invaded her mouth in response as his other hand tugged her hair into his tight grip. 

Still, she needed more.

Juliet pushed against Joel until he was pressed against the wall behind them. She couldn’t get enough, her entire body was on fire. Her hands were everywhere, they rounded the front of his shirt this time and then started to descend lower, and lower until her fingers tugged on his belt. She felt his hips thrust as his teeth nipped at her lips and his hand tugged tighter on her hair. Her fingers shook as she struggled against his belt buckle -

“Juliet? Joel?!” a voice called from a distance. 

Juliet launched herself from Joel, stumbling backwards as flung herself from his orbit. Joel stood plastered against the wall, his hair a mess and his shirt open, revealing the trail of hair leading into his dark jeans. The place her hand just pressed against. 

“Juliet! Can you hear me?” 

Ethan. 

“Oh god,” Juliet gasped out as she lifted her fingers to her mouth, feeling her swollen lips. What had she done? How could she have forgotten Ethan? 

Joel stared down at her, making no move to fix himself. He was waiting to see what she would do, how she would react. 

Juliet spun around, finally remembering the devastation around her. There were three dead clickers on the floor and they were sealed in with the debris from the ceiling. Ethan was in the hallway, calling her name. And what was Juliet doing? Kissing Joel. She could barely verbalise those words inside her own head. 

It felt so good. Juliet didn’t know she could feel like that. She didn’t know those feelings even existed. 

“Juliet” Ethan called again, his voice was desperate, terrified for her. 

Her guilt strangled her.

“Ethan!” she yelled, stumbling over to the debris. “I’m here, I’m here.” 

Juliet started to pull against the plaster and bricks which blocked their exit and Ethan did the same from the other side. She didn’t dare turn around, she couldn’t bear to see the look on Joel’s face. What could she say to him? She didn’t even understand what just happened. So, Juliet kept pulling against the debris, clearing the way. The adrenaline still numbed the pain but when Joel appeared behind her and started to help, Juliet breathed a sigh of relief. 

After a few minutes, they had cleared enough for Ethan to find his way into the room. He scanned the three clickers on the ground and swallowed rough, before meeting Juliet’s eyes. 

“That makes four then,” he said. 

“You killed one?” Juliet gasped out. That must have been why he disappeared. Had Ethan been battling a clicker this entire time? “Ethan, god. Are you okay?” she asked, moving closer to him. His clothes didn’t look torn and the only mark on him was the black, inky blood of the clickers. Juliet let out a heavy sigh of relief when he nodded. 

Then, without warning, he moved forward and pulled Juliet against him. His hand brushed over her hair with such gentleness. Nothing like Joel’s vicious grip. Juliet’s face reddened at the thought. 

She opened her eyes as Ethan rubbed her back in soothing circles. He was trying to comfort her, she assumed. But Juliet wasn’t looking for comfort, she didn’t want soft touches and gentle words. Juliet scanned the room for Joel and found him standing against the entryway, his hand flexing over the handle of his gun. His jaw shifted when he met her eyes. They were still black, still staring at her with a fire blazing in them and when he looked at Ethan’s hands, cradled around her, his stare turned lethal. 

Juliet bit her lip, and watched as Joel’s eyes followed her movement. His hand gripped his gun tighter. 

Ethan pulled away, but continued to rest his hands on her arms. “You’re going to be okay,” he promised her. But Juliet wasn’t listening, her gaze was still focused on the man behind him. The man who would never offer such words of reassurance in this unstable world. Juliet felt remorseful at the thought and made an effort to meet Ethan’s eyes with a small, accepting smile. She didn’t mean to compare them. Ethan was being kind, trying to calm her. 

But he didn’t know that Joel’s touch frightened her more than the clickers ever could. He didn’t know that she could still taste him in her mouth. He didn’t know that Juliet liked that fear. 

He didn’t know that it was the only thing that made her feel alive. 

When Juliet searched for those dark eyes again, they were gone. Joel had turned away, shielding her from the thoughts etched on his face. 

Yet as she looked down, she watched his hand flex at his side, almost as though he was shaking off the feeling of her touch.

_________________________

@amyispxnk @shotgun-shelby @http-paprika

[cinnamongorll]

a fragile line - chapter 22

read on ao3 (111k words) | previous chapter | next chapter | masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female OC

Tags: extreme slow burn, age gap, older man/younger woman, protective joel, jealous joel, hurt/comfort, pov third person, mutual pining, angst, sexual tension, friends to lovers, canon-typical violence, feral joel, parental abuse, eventual smut.

Series synopsis: three years ago, Juliet escaped her father's religious survivor camp, ending up in the Boston QZ. Juliet created a life for herself in Boston, desperate to forget the trauma of her upbringing. One day, Juliet arrives home to find a mysterious letter which forces her to return to her home town. Juliet can't travel the harsh post-apocalyptic landscape alone, so she enlists the help of the grumpy and, at times, frightening man she works alongside: Joel Miller.

Word count: 7.3k

no context spoiler for this chapter: pride and prejudice mr. darcy hand flex scene ;)

Chapter 22: 'Running Up That Hill'

Juliet's POV:

Juliet ran her finger over the map, tracing the colourful lines on the crinkled paper. The low autumn sun filtered in through the truck windows, tossing golden light onto her trembling hands. Juliet hadn’t stopped shaking since she awoke in the woods two days prior, when she finally regained some sort of lucidity. Luckily, the vibrations from the truck masked the tremble as her whole body shook with the speed of the vehicle. Joel’s driving was always an experience.  

They followed a series of bold blue lines to Cody. Joel was adamant that they would find his brother there. Juliet wasn’t so sure. She didn’t much believe in hope anymore. 

As they continued down the never ending highway, the surrounding trees began to lessen and, having lost their shadows, the sun started to blind Juliet. She squinted her eyes against the rays and her trembling fingers rose to reach for the sun visor. But as she leaned forward, the muscles in her stomach stretched and her body screamed in pain with the brutal reminder of her burn. Juliet groaned low and her arm instantly returned to her side. Sweat broke out across her forehead as she inhaled deep breaths, attempting to slow her heart rate. 

Days had passed but the pain showed no sign of lessening and Juliet was sick of playing the weakling. It was an effort not to make any more noise as pain continued to ripple through her, so she sucked in a silent breath through gritted teeth and waited for the fire in her stomach to dwindle. 

One shallow breath later and a hand, still stained with the memory of blood, reached over from its resting position on the wheel and pulled down her visor. Juliet blinked as the sun was shielded from her vision and her eyes cut to the man the hand belonged to. Joel’s stare was unreadable and his eyes dropped to her stomach before returning to her shocked face. “Careful” he murmured, before his gaze latched onto the road again.

Juliet blinked slowly, still shaken by his momentary close proximity. Somehow, no matter how long they went without a shower, Joel always managed to keep his musky scent of pine and smoke. Juliet wanted to bathe in it, let the smell entirely surround her. It reminded her of working in the QZ, side by side with Joel. It reminded her of nights spent sleeping in Bill’s truck or tucked in sleeping bags under the stars. It reminded her of that night in the dark house, her hands still soaked with his blood as she felt the scruff of his jaw scratch against her skin.  

Juliet’s hand involuntarily tensed, crinkling the map with her clenched fingers. She began to build that brick wall in her mind again, closing that memory in, desperate to keep it tucked away. Joel had killed her father. He was right, though, he had to do it, her father had to die. But how could she know that and still react the way she did to the memory of his lips on hers? She was sick, deranged even. 

Joel was wrong for her. He was too old, too angry, too mean. And yet Juliet was unable to breathe around him; when he brushed against her or held her aching body under the stars. She blinked away that memory too. 

Juliet shook her head, desperate to focus on the map in front of her. Joel was relying on her for directions, just as he had throughout their whole journey together. Ethan had attempted to sit shotgun that morning, going so far as to open the door and take the seat. Joel wasn’t having it, though. He had claimed that Ethan couldn’t read a map “for shit” and was determined that Juliet take the seat beside him. 

They had argued for a while, until Joel became almost frighteningly silent and Ethan got in the back with a few choice curse words under his breath. Juliet hadn’t realised he’d known those words. 

Now, Ethan sat with his arms crossed and his eyes latched firmly on the back of Joel’s head. Juliet snuck a peak behind her, the best she could in her pained state, and Ethan quickly met her eyes with a small smile. She tried to return the gesture but her mouth curved into more of a grimace. Juliet knew that Ethan wasn’t happy with her, that he didn’t like Joel and didn’t want to be stuck in this truck with him. But he had stayed, for her…

Juliet’s chest tightened as her debt to him increased. 

They would reach Cody within the next couple hours. Joel was worried about the dark so the plan was to find somewhere to lay low for the night before they began to scope out the town in the morning. Juliet could feel Joel’s anxiety. Somehow, his broad shoulders grew tighter as they closed in on the last place his brother had contacted him from. His regular tapping on the wheel increased at a rapid speed, Juliet didn’t think he was even aware of it.

She was desperate to reach over and enclose her hand over his. 

As Joel shifted gears and increased his speed, Juliet allowed her mind to wander. She allowed herself to think about comforting him the way he had comforted her. How would he react to her touch? Would Joel welcome her attention? Or brush her off? 

There were so many lines they walked: between smuggler and cargo, friend and acquaintance, accomplice and opponent. Juliet was afraid to bridge the gap, the guilt that lived inside her raged with every thought of Joel’s touch. Ethan was in the backseat, Ethan had saved her, he had suffered for years because of her. She couldn’t do that to him. She couldn’t even visualise Joel returning her feelings. Juliet didn’t even know what those feelings were, but more and more she was struggling to deny that they existed.

…………………………………………………

When they reached Cody, they all sat up a bit straighter. The light was fading fast, but Juliet’s breath caught at the mountains towering over the town. They made her feel small, made everything seem small. The silence was heavy between them and Joel began to tense. Juliet didn’t dare look at his face, she couldn’t bear to see that scrunch of his eyebrows which hinted at danger ahead. They had been through too much, and everything inside her mind was still so blurry. Juliet couldn’t handle another trauma - she could barely remember the last one. 

Ethan leaned forward, resting his forearm on the back of Juliet’s seat and pushing the front of his body into the space between Joel and Juliet. Juliet shifted closer to the door to make room for his presence. 

“See any demons?” he whispered as the truck slowly moved down the city street.

Joel’s eyes cut to Ethan, a question printed on his face.

“He means the infected,” Juliet murmured as she continued staring straight ahead. Their community didn’t know much about the current blight of the world. Her father had always called them ‘demons’ but never went into detail. Juliet remembered the first time she saw an infected person, stumbling around in a carpark with Blake by her side. She remembered the sound of his gunshot in her ears when it fell to the ground.

Joel didn’t respond, he just tensed his hand on the wheel. Juliet could tell he was entirely focused on their surroundings, scanning every shop window, every corner of every darkening street they passed.

“Looks clear to me,” Ethan announced in a hard voice following the heavy silence, tilting his head towards Juliet. But she wasn’t looking at him. She was scanning the roads like Joel, holding her breath with every passing second. It was almost too quiet in Cody, surely they would have seen at least one infected stumbling around somewhere. Juliet began to curl her fingers into fists, ignoring the pain from her tender palms. 

If Tommy wasn’t here, if there was nowhere for them to go… Juliet didn’t know if there was enough room in her soul to house another blow.

Joel slowed the truck to a stop on what looked like a mainstreet. They said nothing for a moment, still waiting, still listening for danger. Sometimes, in the silence, there lay the deadliest of threats.  

“We’ll get out,” Joel began his command, before cutting his eyes to Ethan, “Quietly ” he insisted with raised eyebrows. Juliet watched as Ethan rolled his eyes and sank backwards into the back of the truck. 

“We don’t know what’s out there, but we gotta find somewhere to stay for the night,” Joel continued. Juliet nodded in response, used to this routine. She felt renewed by this small sense of purpose, this small comfort of familiarity. 

For his next instruction, Joel turned in his seat, facing Ethan. “Don’t do anythin’ stupid” he ground out in a low, dark voice, as his eyes narrowed. Juliet attempted to swallow down the tension which lay thick in the air. 

After a long moment, Ethan muttered out an agreement then bent forward and began to rifle through his backpack, before pulling out a handgun and making sure it was loaded. They must have cleared out the armoury before leaving the community, because Juliet and Joel had one too, along with two shotguns in the back. 

Before she could attempt to lean forward, and aggravate the burn on her stomach, her backpack landed on her lap. Joel leaned over the gear stick, his scent of pine and smoke washing over her, as he began to search through her bag, finding her gun and ammo and depositing them into Juliet’s awaiting hands. When he was done, he moved to his own backpack and did the same. 

Tears threatened to fill Juliet’s eyes. The silent gesture from Joel flooded her body with a comforting warmth. Juliet didn’t say thank you, she knew Joel wouldn’t want her to. She just loaded her gun and blinked away her glossy eyes, quietly steeling herself for what the night would bring. 

……………………………

They exited the truck as the sky darkened into a vibrant shade of navy blue. Juliet’s legs were stiff and her body felt unusually heavy, her limbs trembled with the chill in the air. The weather had changed rapidly in the last few days, autumn was now truly upon them and Juliet wished for a warmer wardrobe. Joel had found her a new shirt, to replace the one they had to cut open, but the soft flannel wasn’t enough to shield her body from the cold. 

Her backpack hung from her hand as Juliet braced herself to swing it over her shoulders, she knew the strain that would have on her stomach. So she took a couple deep breaths and listened to the quiet sounds of Ethan rounding the truck towards her, before biting her lip and begining to lift her arms. 

Her backpack had barely moved before a heavy weight landed on her shoulders with a warmth which forced a low groan to instantly release from her lips. She looked down and realised that it was a jacket… Joel’s jacket. The jacket was far too big for her, almost swallowing her down to her knees. Joel stood before her, staring down at her wide eyes and gently took the backpack from her icy hands. 

“Joel, no. I can’t take this,” she protested, trying to shrug the jacket from her shoulders.

Joel raised his free hand, silencing her.

“Take it,” he commanded, leaving no room for a returning argument.

She wanted to fight back on this, demand that Joel take his jacket back. But it was so warm and it smelled so much like him, and Juliet was so cold. So, she nodded slowly and pulled her arms through the sleeves, rolling them up so her hands could move freely. When Joel was satisfied, he lifted her bag and threaded her arms through the straps, until it hung securely from her back. 

Juliet’s cheeks were burning. She hated that she couldn’t do this for herself, that her injury retrained almost every movement she made. And she hated that Joel saw her like this, as weak and defenceless, as something he had to look after, like a child. Her father had done this to her, he had taken away her dignity and all that was left was a shell of who Juliet once was. She wasn’t a survivor anymore, she was barely a person. 

Joel’s eyes scanned her face and Juliet watched as a muscle jumped in his tight jaw. She nodded again, this time to show her gratitude. Joel just looked at her a moment longer and moved away, facing the darkening street in front of them as he sorted his own backpack.

Juliet pulled the jacket tighter around her and turned to find Ethan leaning on the side of the truck, an unreadable expression covered his face. But he wasn’t looking at her, he was looking at the jacket now hanging loose on her shivering form. His eyebrows pinched together and he ran his free hand over his mouth, before he tugged the corners of his lips into his signature smile, which didn’t quite reach his eyes, and gestured with a tilt of his head that they should get moving. 

Joel walked with his usual quick stride, his heavy steps somehow quiet on the concrete ground. Juliet held her gun steady in her hand, Ethan, who walked beside her, did the same. When Juliet looked closer at Ethan, she noticed his hands were trembling and his shoulders were tight. A sharp bolt of pity fired through her when she remembered that Ethan had no real experience with the outside world. As they walked down this empty street, the masked terror in Ethan’s eyes reminded her of the girl Blake found in the woods all those years ago. She ached to reach out, to offer some comfort, some reassurance for her friend but she needed to keep her wits about her. With every step they took, Juliet grew more and more uneasy. Surely Tommy wasn’t hiding out here? It was too open, too achingly quiet. 

Juliet knew that Joel wouldn’t want to go far from the truck so she was unsurprised when his steps slowed outside a building with minimal broken windows and somewhat undisturbed brickwork. He turned to Juliet, tossed his shotgun over his shoulder, and nodded their usual signal for her to keep watch. Her eyes instantly focused on the streets, listening intently for anything amiss as Joel began the work of finding an entry into the building. 

Ethan started to pace, holding his gun out in front of him. Even in the near complete darkness, with only the moon to light their surroundings, Juliet could see that Ethan’s eyes had taken on a glaze of wild fear. 

“Ethan,” she hissed, trying desperately to get his attention without making much noise.

Ethan’s eyes quickly cut to her but only for a second before they latched back onto the dark street. She tried again, this time moving closer to him. “What’s wrong?” she whispered urgently.

Ethan had stopped pacing. He stood eerily still as he lifted his gun higher. Panic struck Juliet with a fierce blow when she realised that he was aiming at something. 

Juliet squinted her eyes, searching through the darkness for the source of Ethan’s terror. 

Her breath caught when she spotted it. There. A figure stumbling out from behind a car. 

Juliet would recognise those jerky movements anywhere. 

An infected.

And Ethan had his gun trained on it. But he didn’t know what the infected were like. He didn't know that if saw one then there were probably hundreds somewhere else, just waiting for a sound to alert them of their presence. 

“Ethan, no ” Juliet hissed, reaching her hand towards him. 

But it was too late.

Ethan fired the shot and, of course, even in the dark, it landed on its target. Ethan was the one to teach Juliet how to shoot, after all. The infected fell to the ground without a sound, but the gunshot was deafening.

She froze, her hand still outstretched as Joel rushed up to Ethan and pried the gun from his hands.

“What the fuck are you doin’?” Joel demanded, grabbing hold of Ethan’s shoulder with his free hand. Ethan turned to him, his eyes wide.

“I did it,” he gushed, attempting to shrug off Joel’s crushing grip. “I killed one of them.”

“Yeah and lit up a target on our heads. Every infected in the area is gonna follow that sound directly to us,” Joel fumed, doing his best to keep his voice low, but his rage was screaming out of him. 

Ethan recoiled, the relief gone. Joel let him tug himself free. “Shit,” Ethan cursed, running his hand through his hair. 

“We need to move,” Juliet whispered, searching Joel’s face for instructions. 

Before Joel could answer. Before any of them could move. They heard the sound Juliet dreaded with every fibre of her soul.

Gargling. Screeching. Footsteps, pounding on the concrete.

Without a second thought, Joel grabbed Juleit’s arm and pulled her towards the store. Juliet stumbled to the door, her fear weighing her down. She turned and saw, from the distance, a black mass moving at lightning speed, hitting off of abandoned cars and stumbling over each other. 

Joel was right. Ethan had led a mass of infected right to them. 

Joel pulled against the latch he had just burst open with the handle of his shotgun, pulling the door open and pushing Juliet through. She didn’t have a choice, Joel had moved so quickly she hadn't even had time to protest, to beg for Joel to help Ethan. Within seconds the door was shut and Juliet was alone in the darkness. 

She turned to the window, her heart was beating so fast she could hear her blood rushing in her ears. From the foggy glass she could see Joel and Ethan arguing before Joel grabbed hold of Ethan’s shirt and dragged him towards the door. Juliet stumbled back as they entered, Ethan ran straight into her chest, knocking the air out of her. It took everything in Juliet to not scream in pain.

“Watch it,” Joel growled at Ethan. 

Ethan had stumbled to the wall and dropped his head into his hands. His fingers were shaking.

“Quick, barricade the door,” Juliet urged, trying her best to bend towards a cabinet but Joel got there first, gently nudging her out the way and pushing the cabinet in front of the door. Juliet moved towards the window, and instantly jumped back at the horror outside the shop.

The infected had descended upon the street. Hundreds stumbling about in the dark, their heads turning at unnatural angles attempting to hear the sounds of their victims. Juliet turned around slowly, her finger glued to her lips.

Joel froze at the sight of her face and moved to the window. They both gazed out, Juliet's shoulder pressed against Joel’s bicep. The muscles in his arm were tense right down to his clenched hand against the windowsill. She could still make out the cuts on his knuckles. The evidence of what he had done for her. Juliet couldn’t let this be the end of his story, when he was so close to finding his brother. Joel deserved peace. He deserved a life without broken knuckles and blood on his hands. 

Despite her fuzzy brain and the lightheadedness that had begun to dilute her thoughts. Juliet scrambled to create a plan.

“We keep quiet, keep out of sight tonight. Then, in the morning we can plan a way out of here,” Juliet murmured, glad that Joel stood so close so she didn’t have to speak any louder and risk one of the infected hearing. In the morning light, they would be able to see a way out of this mess. 

Joel nodded and his face tilted down towards her. ‘Upstairs’ he mouthed with a jerk of his chin. 

Juliet agreed they had to get as far away from the door as possible. Tucked further into the building, they might have a chance of surviving the night. 

Ethan still stood pressed against the wall. Juliet gestured to him that they should find their way upstairs and he nodded, finally understanding the gravity of their situation and the need to stay quiet. Juliet would be lying if she said she wasn’t annoyed at this callousness. He should have known better. He should have listened to her, listened to Joel. Juliet wondered if he felt a need to prove himself by killing that infected, to prove that he could survive in this world like she had. Juliet had never known Ethan to be a jealous person, but the years changed people. She knew that more than anyone.

Despite her annoyance, she still brushed her fingers against his hand as she walked past him towards the stairs. Yet, before she could take the first step, Joel tapped her shoulder and raised his hand, asking her to wait. She paused, a question on her lips. Then she watched as Joel reluctantly handed Ethan his gun back. Ethan wrapped his hand around the handle but Joel wouldn’t let go. He held tight even as Ethan pulled against the weapon. Ethan pulled again, harder this time. But Joel held steady.

Just when Juliet was about to step in, Joel grabbed the collar of Ethan’s shirt, pulling him in close. Joel whispered in his ear, words that Juliet was unable to make out. When he was finished, Joel let go and Ethan stumbled back a couple steps, the gun now in his hands. Juliet cringed as Ethan gained his footing, worried he would make a sound by crashing into something. 

Joel turned back to her with the slightest hint of satisfaction in his tense expression. Juliet furrowed her eyebrows but allowed Joel to step around her and begin their slow, silent journey up the stairs with his gun raised in one hand and his torch now gripped in the other, lighting their way.

With each step, Joel paused, testing the stability of the steps. Juliet thought back to their time in the museum in Boston, when the entire staircase crumbled beneath them. It felt like a lifetime ago. Back then, Juliet had known exactly where her life would take her. She had a purpose. She had a reason to keep going. Now… Juliet wasn’t exactly sure why she was still putting one foot in front of the other. 

She tensed her fingers around the handle of her gun, following Joel’s footsteps as they inched their way up the stairs. Ethan was a few steps behind her, she could hear his quiet breaths. 

When Joel reached the stop, Juliet paused, waiting for him to sweep the hallway with his torch. They stayed silent, it still wasn’t safe to make a sound as more infected could be hidden upstairs. After a moment, Joel nodded down at them and Juliet stepped onto the hardwood floor. She had thought this was a store, but she was wrong. It looked more like an office building. If they could find an office at the back and barricade the door, they could stay safe until morning light where they could use the window to plot their way back to the truck. 

Juliet eased a slow breath from her lips, finally feeling the weight on her shoulders ease. Just a few more steps, sweep the upstairs, then they could rest. Juliet struggled to stand for too long, her head still ached with the force of her father’s blow, along with the bruising on her ankles. She was ashamed at how weak her father had made her. 

Joel walked forward, avoiding a couple crumbling floorboards and pointed his torch into the first room. Juliet was about to signal to Joel that they should split up, sweep the rooms individually then meet back in the hallway. But then she thought of Ethan and his trigger happy tendencies and she restrained herself with a grimace. They should stick together. 

Juliet followed Joel into the first room, surprised by the lavish furnishing. It was large, far larger than her father’s office had been. Against the far wall, sat a desk with a leather chair, and as Joel swung around the torch she realised there were two other rooms housed within this deceptively massive space. 

Realising Ethan wasn’t behind her, she turned, searching for him in the darkness. Not daring to say his name and disturb the quiet, Juliet walked back towards the door, her steps quickening with her increasing panic. Where was he? What was wrong? Was he hurt? 

Every worried thought vanished from Juliet’s head as she crashed to the floor.

With Joel’s torch pointed in the other direction, Juliet hadn’t seen the box on the ground. She hit the hard floor with a piercing cry, landing on her stomach. Juliet had to breathe through the intense pulse of nausea which attacked her. 

“Ethan!” she cried, still searching for him, even from her position on the floor. 

“Juliet!” Joel bellowed from the far corner of the room, as he ran over towards her.

As Juliet lifted her head, everything went into slow motion.

She could hear Joel’s footsteps thundering towards her, his torchlight bouncing off of the walls. And as the light hit the entryway, she noticed a black crack staining what was left of the white paint above the door. That wasn’t odd, every building was covered in cracks. 

This one, however, was growing, rapidly.

“Ethan!” she screamed, not caring anymore who could hear her. 

“I'm coming!” he yelled back, it sounded as though he was in a different room. 

“No, no, no, no,” Juliet began to murmur, louder and louder, because the crack wasn’t just a crack anymore, it was a gaping hole in the wall. And as Juliet muttered out her final ‘ no’ the ceiling over the entryway came crashing down in a cloud of plaster and brick.

…………………………………

When the ceiling had finished collapsing, leaving only the wooden beams of the attic to protect them from the sky, Joel’s hands finally found her. He gripped Juliet by the shoulders and pulled her to her feet, his breaths heavy in her ear. 

“You alright?” he demanded, brushing the white dust off of her face. His eyes were wild as they scanned her from head to toe.

Juliet gripped his arm tight and leaned forward, vomiting at their feet.

It really was like their time in the museum , she thought, grimly.  

“Shhh,” Joel murmured, pulling back her knotted strands of dark hair as she continued to spit bile onto the floor. 

Juliet couldn’t even feel the embarrassment of the situation. All she could focus on was the pain in her body and the warm touch of Joel’s fingers in her hair. 

But as her mind returned to her, fierce panic struck her cold.

“Ethan,” she coughed. “He was in the hallway, Joel. Oh god, what if he’s…” she stuttered, her words spilling out of her. The rubble had sealed them in, she couldn’t see into the hallway at all. 

“Etha -” she started to scream, moving to push past Joel. But he was quicker. Joel pulled Juliet to him so her backpack was pressed tight against his chest and he curled his large hand over her mouth. Juliet wriggled against him, trying to free herself from his intense grip. 

Then she heard the sound that haunted so many of her nightmares.

Click. 

Click. 

Click.  

Juliet choked on her breath, thankful for Joel’s hand over her mouth to quiet the sound. 

Click. 

Click. 

Click. 

They heard it again. This time, she could make out which direction it was coming from. The door to their left was left open and she could see a shadow starting to make its way towards the main room. Joel’s torch lay somewhere on the floor behind them, casting dramatic shadows over the room. 

Juliet reached her hand out to grip Joel’s. He squeezed back, curling his fingers over her own, squeezing, as he released his other hand from her mouth. Juliet felt Joel slide his hand around to his back pocket and pull out his handgun. Another flood of panic struck her. Her gun flew from her hand when she tripped. It was somewhere on the floor, but without proper lighting, she couldn’t see where. 

She needed that gun if she was going to get out of here. Without thinking, Juliet released Joel’s hand and took a step forward… onto a loose floorboard.

First, the wood screeched and groaned and Juliet froze, her entire body pausing mid-step. She squeezed her eyes shut and waited, cursing herself for her own stupidity.

Then came a different screech. A gargling, wet, scream erupted from the other room and the clicker came barreling into the main office space. 

Juliet felt Joel grab her by the backpack and swing her around until she stood behind him. He raised his gun, aiming for the clicker’s head, but the shadows were making it difficult and it was getting too close. 

Joel slammed into the clicker, still firing shots. Juliet watched in horror, she had no weapons, nothing to help kill the monster in his arms. Her eyes were wide and frantic as she scanned the floor for her gun. 

Click. 

Click. 

Click. 

Juliet’s head turned with a dizzying speed. There it was. Another clicker. It must have been in the back room. And now, it was headed straight for her. 

Juliet darted to the side, evading its first attack. But as she moved, she quickly realised that she was backing herself into a wall. A scream crawled its way up her throat and she tried to dart her eyes towards Joel, but there was no time. 

The clicker was rapidly approaching, Juliet could smell the decay simmering on its body. If she wasn’t so terrified she would have gagged again. Having no weapons, Juliet did the next best thing: she grabbed the large leather chair and swung it in front of her as the clicker finally caught up to her.

It slammed into the leather and what remained of its teeth snapped at her from behind the chair as its almost claw-like fingers missed her face by an inch. Her terror overpowered her, she didn’t realise it at first, but she was screaming. A fierce, blood curdling scream. 

Across the room she heard another shot and the sound of a body hitting the ground. Through a gap in the chair, her eyes caught sight of a clicker on the ground. Dead. 

“Jul -” Joel started to shout before he was cut off. 

There was another clicker, behind Joel this time. Like Juliet, he was backed into a wall. 

Tears started to flood down Juliet’s face as the clicker continued its snarling attack while Juliet crouched in terror. Juliet was beginning to realise that this wasn’t quite like the museum, afterall. Back then, Juliet had a weapon. Back then, Juliet had Joel. Back then, Juliet had a reason to fight.

But what was left for her now? Why was she still fighting against these monsters? She had nothing to protect herself with - what was the point?

Her father was dead. She had saved Ethan, and now he might be dead too. She had no family, nowhere to go. No real reason to go on. 

Maybe there was nowhere safe left in the world. Maybe, in every room, in every building, in every city, there was a monster in the closet. Juliet didn’t know if she had the energy to fight them anymore.

She was supposed to die in that basement. She had accepted it. 

Maybe now, it was time. 

With another sob, Juliet eased her grip on the chair. Her decision washed over her, calming her terror. She’d had enough. She was done. 

Still sheltered by the chair, Juliet used her last moment to find Joel. Tears blurred her vision, but she could make out his blurry figure kicking and slashing at the clicker. He was yelling something. Juliet thought it might be her name. But she wasn’t sure. 

Without realising, Juliet had regained her grip on the chair, pushing it back against the clicker, stifling its attack. Her body shook with its movements. She continued staring at Joel as her panic returned. As she watched him struggle against the monster, Juliet struggled to catch her breath. 

She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t watch Joel die. This wasn’t fair. He had to find his brother. He had to live. He still had a reason to go on. 

He wasn’t supposed to die. 

Juliet couldn’t look away from his quick, sharp movements. He drove his knife into the clicker over and over, with such strength and such fury as he screamed her name. 

“Joel!” she yelled back, her voice croaky as his name spilled out of her without warning.

He had a knife.

Wait.

So did she. 

Juliet braced herself, pushing with all her strength in her left arm as she freed her right and slid it down into her boot. When she brought it back up to push against the leather chair, between her fingers was her rose carved switchblade. 

Her father’s guards hadn’t taken it.

It had been in her boot this whole time. 

Juliet screamed with every bit of fury still left in her weary soul and pushed against the chair, knocking the clicker backwards. With the adrenaline pumping through her veins, her pain was no longer a concern, and Juliet leapt to her feet, scrambling over the chair. With one push from her finger, the blade sprung free. The clicker grabbed her shoulder, pulling her towards it, its teeth ready to slash into her neck. 

But Juliet was faster. She used the clicker’s momentum to twist her body to the side and drive her knife into its neck. Black, slimy blood splattered across her face but the clicker kept coming at her. Juliet pulled the knife out with a force which almost knocked her backwards. She stumbled but straightened enough to drive the knife towards the clicker’s head, all while dodging its vicious attacks.

She pierced its open skull with her blade.

The clicker slowed but its attack continued. 

Juliet pulled back and stabbed into the skull again, as the clicker’s fingers sliced against Joel’s jacket. 

This time, the clicker dropped to the ground, releasing its grip on her. 

For good measure, Juliet bent down and brought her knife down another few times. Not caring as more blood splattered her face. 

“Juliet!” Joel grunted out from across the room. 

She twisted, launching to her feet, almost tripping over the first fallen clicker as she ran to Joel. 

Near him on the floor, she could see her gun lying where she had dropped it. 

She picked it up, moved towards the clicker and fired a shot. 

The clicker was propelled backwards with the bullet in its neck and the force from Joel’s kick. But it wasn’t enough, she needed a shot in the head. Juliet put all of her fear, anger and desperation into her next shot. 

The clicker stilled on the floor, inky black blood oozing from its many wounds. 

The clicker was dead but Juliet’s body was like a live wire. Her fingers shook so hard she thought she might drop her gun. 

Her eyes moved from the monster on the floor to the man against the wall. Joel stood with his hands on his knees, breathing heavy. 

“Are you okay?” Juliet gasped out as she staggered over to him, tucking her gun into her pocket. 

Before she could reach him, Joel closed the gap between them in two strides, grabbing hold of her shoulders. His face was coated in sweat and his eyes were blazing, they were entirely black. Juliet should have been terrified of him. He was the picture of danger and rage. But all she felt was relief. He was alive. He was safe. He was okay. 

Joel’s hands moved from her shoulders to her face. His fingers roamed over her forehead, down to her chin, behind her neck, across her collarbone, under his jacket, under her flannel. 

“Don’t ever do that to me again,” Joel growled as his fingers continued their exploration. Juliet thought he was looking for bites but this felt different. It felt like he was assessing every inch of her, desperately feeling for himself if she was alive, if she was actually standing in front of him. 

Juliet did the same, she reached up to his face and cupped her hand over his jaw as her eyes met his. “Do what?” she whispered back. Her body shivered with Joel’s touch. He was unrelenting, his hands roamed everywhere. After a long look into her questioning eyes, his head dropped to her neck and his lips started to roam the delicate skin behind her ear. Juliet couldn’t help the moan that slipped out.

“Make me think you were dead,” Joel replied with a murmur against her neck. Juliet felt his words under her skin, his rough, low, voice sank deeper, and deeper into her body. 

“Can’t lose you,” he continued as his hands squeezed her waist. It was like he was in a trance, Juliet could feel his heartbeat pounding against her chest. She felt frenzied, she couldn’t get enough of him. Was this how being alive was supposed to feel?

Joel pulled back until their eyes met again. His black stare melted into her own as his hand left her waist and his thumb brushed over her lips. 

“So beautiful,” he said with a low growl which, combined with his southern drawl, made his words almost unintelligible. 

But Juliet heard him, and she could read the words written in his deep stare. His thumb brushed back and forth over her lips and warmth flooded Juliet’s entire body.

With a low groan rumbling from his chest, Joel closed the gap between them. 

His mouth crashed onto Juliet’s and Joel wasted no time parting her lips. Their kiss wasn’t sweet, it wasn’t nice, it wasn’t gentle. It was hot, messy, and wrong, so wrong. Joel’s fingers gripped the back of her neck, pushing her closer, holding her in place as his mouth claimed her’s. Juliet palmed his chest, reaching under his shirt, gripping his belt, pulling him closer. She needed him with a primal intensity. Colours flashed across her vision as their teeth crashed into each other. 

Joel’s chest rumbled with low growls as Juliet attempted to say his name with every quick breath. Her mind echoed over and over: Joel, Joel, Joel, Joel. It was like a chant, a prayer. But she needed more. The hand tucked under his shirt spread around to his back and Juliet scratched her torn nails down his skin. Joel’s tongue invaded her mouth in response as his other hand tugged her hair into his tight grip. 

Still, she needed more.

Juliet pushed against Joel until he was pressed against the wall behind them. She couldn’t get enough, her entire body was on fire. Her hands were everywhere, they rounded the front of his shirt this time and then started to descend lower, and lower until her fingers tugged on his belt. She felt his hips thrust as his teeth nipped at her lips and his hand tugged tighter on her hair. Her fingers shook as she struggled against his belt buckle -

“Juliet? Joel?!” a voice called from a distance. 

Juliet launched herself from Joel, stumbling backwards as flung herself from his orbit. Joel stood plastered against the wall, his hair a mess and his shirt open, revealing the trail of hair leading into his dark jeans. The place her hand just pressed against. 

“Juliet! Can you hear me?” 

Ethan. 

“Oh god,” Juliet gasped out as she lifted her fingers to her mouth, feeling her swollen lips. What had she done? How could she have forgotten Ethan? 

Joel stared down at her, making no move to fix himself. He was waiting to see what she would do, how she would react. 

Juliet spun around, finally remembering the devastation around her. There were three dead clickers on the floor and they were sealed in with the debris from the ceiling. Ethan was in the hallway, calling her name. And what was Juliet doing? Kissing Joel. She could barely verbalise those words inside her own head. 

It felt so good. Juliet didn’t know she could feel like that. She didn’t know those feelings even existed. 

“Juliet” Ethan called again, his voice was desperate, terrified for her. 

Her guilt strangled her.

“Ethan!” she yelled, stumbling over to the debris. “I’m here, I’m here.” 

Juliet started to pull against the plaster and bricks which blocked their exit and Ethan did the same from the other side. She didn’t dare turn around, she couldn’t bear to see the look on Joel’s face. What could she say to him? She didn’t even understand what just happened. So, Juliet kept pulling against the debris, clearing the way. The adrenaline still numbed the pain but when Joel appeared behind her and started to help, Juliet breathed a sigh of relief. 

After a few minutes, they had cleared enough for Ethan to find his way into the room. He scanned the three clickers on the ground and swallowed rough, before meeting Juliet’s eyes. 

“That makes four then,” he said. 

“You killed one?” Juliet gasped out. That must have been why he disappeared. Had Ethan been battling a clicker this entire time? “Ethan, god. Are you okay?” she asked, moving closer to him. His clothes didn’t look torn and the only mark on him was the black, inky blood of the clickers. Juliet let out a heavy sigh of relief when he nodded. 

Then, without warning, he moved forward and pulled Juliet against him. His hand brushed over her hair with such gentleness. Nothing like Joel’s vicious grip. Juliet’s face reddened at the thought. 

She opened her eyes as Ethan rubbed her back in soothing circles. He was trying to comfort her, she assumed. But Juliet wasn’t looking for comfort, she didn’t want soft touches and gentle words. Juliet scanned the room for Joel and found him standing against the entryway, his hand flexing over the handle of his gun. His jaw shifted when he met her eyes. They were still black, still staring at her with a fire blazing in them and when he looked at Ethan’s hands, cradled around her, his stare turned lethal. 

Juliet bit her lip, and watched as Joel’s eyes followed her movement. His hand gripped his gun tighter. 

Ethan pulled away, but continued to rest his hands on her arms. “You’re going to be okay,” he promised her. But Juliet wasn’t listening, her gaze was still focused on the man behind him. The man who would never offer such words of reassurance in this unstable world. Juliet felt remorseful at the thought and made an effort to meet Ethan’s eyes with a small, accepting smile. She didn’t mean to compare them. Ethan was being kind, trying to calm her. 

But he didn’t know that Joel’s touch frightened her more than the clickers ever could. He didn’t know that she could still taste him in her mouth. He didn’t know that Juliet liked that fear. 

He didn’t know that it was the only thing that made her feel alive. 

When Juliet searched for those dark eyes again, they were gone. Joel had turned away, shielding her from the thoughts etched on his face. 

Yet as she looked down, she watched his hand flex at his side, almost as though he was shaking off the feeling of her touch.

_________________________

@amyispxnk @shotgun-shelby @http-paprika

#joel miller #joel miller x female oc #joel miller x reader #joel miller x original character #joel miller x oc #joel miller hbo #joel miller fic #joel miller fanfic #ao3 fanfic #joel miller angst #pedro pascal #tlou #joel tlou #the last of us #tlou hbo #Spotify

[cinnamongorll]

a fragile line - chapter 21

read on ao3! (111k words) | previous chapter | next chapter | masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female OC

Tags: extreme slow burn, age gap, older man/younger woman, protective joel, jealous joel, hurt/comfort, pov third person, mutual pining, angst, sexual tension, friends to lovers, canon-typical violence, feral joel, parental abuse, eventual smut.

Series synopsis: three years ago, Juliet escaped her father's religious survivor camp, ending up in the Boston QZ. Juliet created a life for herself in Boston, desperate to forget the trauma of her upbringing. One day, Juliet arrives home to find a mysterious letter which forces her to return to her home town. Juliet can't travel the harsh post-apocalyptic landscape alone, so she enlists the help of the grumpy and, at times, frightening man she works alongside: Joel Miller.

Word count: 4.5k

Chapter 21: 'I'm Your Man'

Juliet’s POV:

Juliet’s eyes opened to a multitude of colours. Shades of blue bled through gaps in the thick canopy of leaves above her. It was dull, but not dark. The last remnants of daylight still brightened the sky, postponing the darkness a little longer.

Juliet lay on the ground, staring up at the branches filtering her view of the sky. She blinked a few times, allowing her eyesight to focus. The fog of sleep still lingered, blocking any frightening thoughts from entering her fragile mind. Juliet stretched out her fingers and found that she was lying on something, it felt soft and warm, a sleeping bag? 

She listened. There was a sizzling sound, joined by the smell of tomatoes? Juliet wasn’t sure, but her stomach rumbled in response. A groan escaped her lips as she attempted to turn her body in the direction of the sound, and the smell. There was a blurry figure to her left, hunched over what she assumed was a camping stove. She could see the faint blue flames flickering below the outline of a black pot. Juliet blinked another few times, attempting to fully regain her eyesight. 

As her body shifted to the side, fresh pain radiated across her stomach, bringing tears to Juliet’s eyes. She almost collapsed back onto the ground, but the fog was clearing from her mind and Juliet was desperate to gain a proper grip on her reality. So she bit her lip, her teeth piercing the delicate, cracked skin, and used her shaky arms to push herself up until she sat upright on the sleeping bag, facing the direction of the blurry figure. 

Juliet was breathing heavily, her whole body echoed the tiredness she felt deep in her bones. The longer she was awake, the more pain started to travel across her body, lighting a blazing path through her limbs, across her stomach, and up to her head. Juliet reached her hand up to the side of her face, gently hovering over the crusted blood with trembling fingers. A long groan released from between her gritted teeth. 

“Juliet?” the blurry figure called, his voice sounded gentle but urgent. 

“Hmmm,” she moaned, her eyes were closed as she waited for the fresh wave of pain to subside. 

Juliet didn’t know where she was or who she was with and, as the fog continued to clear, she began to feel unnerved by this thought.

Then her eyes opened into a deep, piercing shade of green. 

“Ethan?”

His blurry figure had moved from the stove to the space next to Juliet’s hunched body, tilting sideways on the sleeping bag. 

“Hey,” he whispered, his voice cushioned with concern. 

Juliet blinked again and remembered the last time she woke. Her terror, her scream, the pity in Ethan’s eyes. She had been so delirious, so confused, so caught up in her father’s lie. God, what must Ethan think of her? To have saved her all those years ago and then watch Juliet fear the sight of him. 

“Juliet, please,” Ethan breathed. “I won’t hurt you. I would never hurt you,” he begged in a quiet voice, inching closer to her frozen form. 

Juliet forced herself not to back away, to stay entirely still as Ethan moved towards her. Juliet believed him, that he would never hurt her. He had saved her, cared for her. He had loved her once. But the sight of him brought ugly memories to her brittle mind, banging on the brick wall she had built around the worst, most disturbing thoughts that she was still too weak to remember. 

“I know,” she murmured, forcing her bottom lip between her teeth again.

A breath of pure relief rushed from Ethan’s mouth and his eyes softened as he continued to stare at her. A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. It reminded Juliet of warm summer days, lounging on the grass. It reminded her of shy, gentle touches in dark rooms. It reminded her of hope, of something good in the world.

Juliet allowed herself to look at Ethan, really look at him for the first time in almost four years. His eyes had lost a little of their light, they were duller, darkened by deep purple circles beneath them. His jaw, which he had always kept clean shaven, was speckled with hair. His cheekbones were sharper, more defined and his cheeks looked sunken, hollowed. 

What had happened to him after she left? 

Juliet was desperate to ask, to discover why her father had bragged about his work with Ethan, the journey to salvation he had also promised her. But Juliet was overcome with a deep aching guilt which had wrapped around her heart for the past four years, forcing the words to rush from her mouth.

“I’m so sorry I left. I shouldn’t have let you push me through the gate, I should have come back for you earlier, I -”

Juliet’s list of regrets were cut off by the feel of Ethan’s hands as they cupped her cheeks. She flinched as Ethan’s fingers brushed the bruising on her face, her skin had instantly begun to throb under his touch. 

He tilted her face up, forcing her to meet his eyes, which were now only inches from her own. 

“You have nothing to apologise for. All I ever wanted was for you to have a life free from Elijah and everything he did to you. You were supposed to stay away. God Juliet, why did you come back?” Ethan soothed, his words rushed. 

Juliet’s lips parted as Ethan reached his thumb up to brush away the tears she hadn’t realised had begun to fall from her blurry eyes. Ethan’s words washed over her, bringing a new tide of horror. She couldn’t begin to explain the letter, or the journey back to him. She couldn’t think of anything other than her father and the memory of what Ethan had told Joel outside the dark car. 

“He’s… he’s dead, isn’t he?” Juliet breathed, struggling to get the words out as the realisation choked her. 

Shock blazed in Ethan’s eyes.

“I -” he started. “Yes,” Ethan nodded. “He’s dead.” 

Juliet was thankful for Ethan’s gentle hands as they held her upright, taking the weight of the horror in her head. 

“How?” she demanded, reaching her trembling hands up to place on top of Ethan’s, urging him with her gentle touch to clear up the confusion in her head, to fill in the gaps and the missing pieces. 

Ethan stayed silent. Juliet could almost see the thoughts swirling in his head as she stared into his glossy eyes. His eyebrows furrowed and he swallowed rough before he broke eye contact. 

Ethan looked to his left, beyond the camping stove which continued to cook whatever food he had left on top of it. Ethan’s eyes strayed into the forest around them, searching for something. 

Searching for someone.

When his gaze returned to her, Ethan realised his mistake. His eyes had revealed more than he meant to. 

Juliet started to pull back from him, understanding beginning to stiffen her muscles, but Ethan wouldn’t let her. His fingers pressed harder into her cheeks, holding her in place, forcing her gaze to remain within his eyes. Juliet’s bruises were roaring in pain as Ethan’s grip tightened. 

“Please Juliet, just let me explain what happened,” he urged. 

Juliet didn’t want to hear an explanation. She just wanted a name. She just wanted to know who had killed her father. 

But she already knew. Juliet knew exactly who Ethan was searching for with that look. 

Right on time, the sound of crushed leaves and broken twigs entered the space. Juliet couldn’t turn her head, couldn’t look at the approaching figure, as Ethan’s hands continued to cradle her face. But Juliet would recognise those thundering steps anywhere. 

“What are you doin’?” his deep, gritted, voice demanded. 

Ethan instantly let go of her and Juliet turned to stare up at Joel as he towered over them. 

“Joel,” breathed Juliet. But she didn’t need to get his attention because his intense stare was already locked onto her, his eyes roaming over her face, darkening when he caught sight of the bruises and the dried blood.

“You should be restin’” he told Juliet before his eyes darted to Ethan, who had let go of her face but hadn’t moved away. Ethan’s legs were still pressed against her own, his body still leaning towards her. 

“Food’s burnin’” Joel practically growled. Ethan’s eyes shot to the stove and he lept up, scrambling to take the pot off of the heat.

Juliet released a weighted breath. 

Joel had killed her father.

Some more gaps in her memory began to fill in, she remembered the basement, she remembered the slap, she remembered the hot poker. And then nothing.

But there was more, she knew there was more that she was missing, more gaps littered through her memory. 

Juliet’s eyes dipped from Joel’s to his hands and the bloody, open skin on his knuckles. 

Joel had killed her father and, by the look of it, used his own hands to do the job. 

Juliet felt like her whole worldview was titling. How had her life changed so much in a matter of months? And then again, in a matter of hours? 

There were too many emotions, too many thoughts swirling in her head. Threads of guilt, fear, and anger were entangled and, looking at Joel, she found that she was unable to separate them. 

Looking at Joel... Juliet was afraid.

Not so much of him, but for him. What had he been forced to do to save himself? To save her? Juliet brought him there, she had bribed him, convinced him to take her home. And now he stood before her with broken knuckles and a wide eyed, horror filled expression. 

“Joel, what happened? Where are we?” she whispered, staring up at him through damp eyelashes. 

His eyebrows pinched together as a muscle jumped in his jaw. Joel’s eyes darted to the forest around them before his hand found the back of his neck and his eyes found hers again. 

“We’ve been drivin’ bout a day and a half, since we left…” he cut himself off. 

Juliet nodded, the action forcing more dizziness to invade her vision. She thought she saw Joel move to step forward, his hand widening towards her. But when she looked up again, he was standing as still as carved marble. She must have imagined it. 

There was so much to say to him. So many questions to ask. He had killed her father, and Juliet couldn’t make sense of how to feel about it. The most prominent emotion firing through her mind was guilt, an unbearable feeling of remorse pressing tight against her chest. 

“What happened?” she pressed again, desperate to gain a full picture of that night. How had Joel and Ethan met? Did Joel find her after she had passed out? Every question that floated through her mind was accompanied by a new flash of pain in various parts of her body. Everything ached.

Joel gritted his teeth and Juliet watched as his jaw moved from side to side ever so slightly. Then he parted his lips and Juliet’s heartbeat quickened with anticipation. But before Joel could utter a word, or even give a hint of an explanation, Ethan appeared between them with two metal plates in his hands, each containing a strange looking red sludge with dark, burnt patches.

“Here,” he muttered as he handed one to Joel without looking up at the daggers in his eyes. Then Ethan bent down and gave Juliet the other, placing it carefully in her lap. 

Juliet nodded her thanks before her eyes returned to Joel. She started to remember what happened in the car. The way he touched her face with such tenderness and the soothing words he whispered. Juliet craved that closeness again, she needed him next to her, to hold her as she was falling apart. 

Juliet blinked, startled as Ethan sat down beside her with his own metal plate, shifting so that their knees touched. Juliet watched Joel follow the movement with a lethal focus before he clenched his hand around his plate, took two steps back and sat down on the ground opposite to them.

As the sky darkened, Joel brought out his torch, placing it on the ground to illuminate the small patch of forest the three of them occupied. Ethan started eating with a ravenous pace, Joel was slower, more careful of the food, savouring it as he ate. Juliet worried for Ethan, when was the last time he had a proper meal?

Juliet looked down at her plate. It didn’t look edible, but most foods didn’t look edible nowadays. Still, she couldn't bring herself to eat. 

Juliet bit her lip hard to stop tears from forming in her eyes. She had done enough damage, she refused to show Ethan or Joel more of the mess that lived inside her head. Juliet picked up the metal fork Ethan gave her with shaking fingers and started to push her food about the plate, putting on a show.

“Need to decide where we’re going, Juliet,” Ethan said between mouthfuls of food, nudging her with his knee. 

Juliet’s eyes darted to Joel. He wasn’t looking at her, but she noticed that his hand had stilled over his plate, and she watched as his fingers curled tighter around the fork. 

Slowly, she turned her head to Ethan. He had continued eating but Juliet knew he was awaiting a response. 

She had never considered where she would go after leaving her father’s community because she hadn’t even considered that she would have a life after returning home. Ethan’s question seemed like a fairytale, the idea that Juliet could choose what to do with her life was a fantasy. Her brain struggled to conceptualise a future for herself beyond the forest they sat within. Juliet found her mind drifting to the man who sat opposite her, his broken knuckles flashing red in the torchlight. Having spent years working alongside Joel in the QZ and then months sharing every moment of every day together… Juliet struggled to imagine a future beyond him. 

Juliet made a noncommittal sound with a shrug of her stiff shoulders. “I’m not sure,” she answered, staring down at her plate. The guilt in her chest grew again. Ethan had never left the community and had always dreamt of leaving and travelling the country, finding other survivors, making a life for the both of them. 

Her heart squeezed with shame when she realised that she didn’t share that same desire. Juliet had been on her own for a while now, had travelled the country, and had experienced the worst parts of humanity. She was tired and weary of the world. Juliet just wanted to feel safe. 

Ethan should have been the one to escape that day, not Juliet. She didn’t deserve the freedom, it was never her dream.

“Come on,” he urged. “We always talked about leaving, going anywhere we wanted.” Ethan’s voice was confused and almost pleading. 

Juliet had tried not to indulge Ethan’s fantasies in the past. Even when she responded with polite words, her chronic cynicism had always shone through. Ethan must remember a different image of her, one tinted by the rose coloured lenses of hope and fear. 

“We could travel the country, meet new people,” he continued, now turning to face her again. “Even see the world!” Ethan said with a laugh. 

Juliet flinched, stilling her fork over her untouched food. She saw Blake’s face in her mind, the night he found her in the woods. She had been so afraid, so utterly unprepared for life outside of the gates of her father’s community. Juliet paid a lot for his protection. And god did she need it. Her journey to Boston taught her a lot of things. She learned how to kill and how to not feel bad about it. She learned how to swallow her tongue and she learned how to survive. Ethan had no idea what he was talking about, and she was glad. Juliet never wanted Ethan to see the things she had seen or experience the things she had experienced. Ethan was a logical person, having spent his days studying medicine, but he had one fault and it was his unflinching ability to preserve his hope at all costs. Juliet just prayed his hope wouldn’t get him killed one day. 

“I -” she began, stopping when the words almost choked her. 

“She’s already seen it all,” a gruff voice interrupted. 

Ethan stiffened, sitting up straighter. Juliet risked a glance at him from the corner of her eye and found that he was staring straight at Joel, his mouth transformed into a tight line. Juliet’s eyes flickered to Joel next, surprised by his words. But he wasn’t looking at her, his eyes, blazing with fury, were positioned on Ethan’s irritated expression. 

“It’s a big world, Joel,” Ethan argued, his eyes darting to Juliet. “Juliet and I have been given a second chance, we’re not going to waste it.” 

Juliet frowned, reaching a hand to rest on Ethan’s knee, attempting to get his attention. The air had grown incredibly tense and Juliet was too tired, and in too much pain, to bear witness to whatever pissing contest was going on in front of her.

Joel’s eyes followed her movement, his jaw hardening at the sight of her trembling fingers on Ethan’s leg. 

“What does Juliet think?” Joel mused, his words dripped in bitterness as the sly shadow of a smile darkened the corners of his lips. He still didn’t meet Juliet’s very pointed stare, rather continuing to pierce Ethan with his downward gaze. 

Ethan, finally noticing her touch on his knee, turned towards Juliet. A crease formed between his brows. Her heart skipped a beat when she realised they were both awaiting her answer. 

Juliet stared into Ethan’s eyes and took a deep breath. She had to be truthful with him. “I don’t know what to think, I just want somewhere safe. I’m tired, Ethan. I’ve seen enough,” Juliet explained, softening her words to ease Ethan’s discomfort. 

Ethan’s eyes flickered with hurt, and fractures formed in Juliet’s heart as she eased her hand off of his knee. He swallowed rough then turned his attention on Joel, attempting to mirror his look of contempt. 

“Well, what’s your plan then?” Ethan demanded. “You’ve saved Juliet, you’ve got your supplies - where are you going?” 

Juliet looked between them both. There was such anger in Ethan’s words, Juliet wondered what had caused such a rift between them after knowing each other for such a short time. 

Joel completely ignored Ethan, instead choosing to stare directly into Juliet’s eyes. She found that she had to stop herself from squirming under the weight of his sole attention. 

“Tommy’s still out there, I’m gonna go find him,” he began, his words quiet but forceful. “And my guess is he’s found somewhere to hole up, maybe... somewhere safe.”

Juliet’s breath caught in her throat. His words were clear, Juliet understood exactly what he was saying.

He had presented her with an offer, another amendment to their original deal. 

“Somewhere safe,” she instantly repeated.  

Ethan’s head whipped between them. 

“Juliet you can’t seriously want us to go with him,” Ethan argued, realising what her words meant, leaning closer into Juliet, attempting to speak into her ear. “You know what he’s done.”

Juliet’s head turned sharply, her nose almost touching Ethan’s as she stared at him with a piercing look. “Ethan, Joel got me to you. He helped me save you. I know exactly what he’s done,” she whispered back, her words almost transforming into a hiss as they continued to rush from her lips. “The only difference is that you don’t know what I’ve done, what I’m capable of now.” She paused, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment, then opened them back into Ethan’s shocked stare. Her anger had taken over so suddenly, Juliet hadn't realised how much rage bubbled under the surface of her skin.

“I need this journey to end, I want us to have a life without fear or bloodshed. Maybe we can find it there, together,” she continued after a breath, softer this time. 

After a moment, Ethan’s eyes finally softened at her words and he leaned back. He turned towards Joel, then back to Juliet, and nodded slowly. “Where you go, I go,” he declared, pinning her with his stare. 

The tension began to crack and Juliet watched Joel release his vice-like grip on his fork and continue eating. She breathed a sigh of relief. For a moment, Juliet’s panic began to subside. She knew it was selfish, but she was terrified of a possibility where she was separated from Joel, where she would never feel his commanding presence walking behind her, or feel his touch whenever he let his guard down. 

Juliet stared down at her plate. “Where you go, I go,” she repeated in a whisper. 

Juliet wasn’t entirely sure which man her words were meant for. 

………………………………….

Later, when Ethan had passed out on his sleeping bag, Juliet was still awake.

She sat hunched over, her plate of food still sat on her lap, uneaten. The pain from her burn had reached a point where she was unable to move, any adjustment of her body forced every muscle on her torso to lock up in agony. 

She could see Joel in the distance, standing between two trees, a shotgun in his hands. He had taken the first watch but Juliet assumed his watch would last the entire night. She could tell that Joel didn’t trust Ethan and Juliet was currently unable to stand. So, Joel held the sole responsibility of their safety once more. 

Sat on her sleeping bag, unable to lie down, Juliet had a lot of time to think. She recalled her time in the basement, forcing herself to re experience every horrible second to try and uncover that final missing piece of her memory. The thought of it made her stomach churn so she knew that her body remembered, but something in her mind was holding it back. 

When the memory of the hot poker and the satisfaction in her father’s eyes reentered her mind again, Juliet knew enough was enough. She had to get to sleep. So, she managed to slide her pate off of her lap and onto the ground beside her, then she sucked in another deep breath and -

“Fuck,” she gasped out as she attempted to twist her body to the side. The pain was unbearable, tears burned in her eyes as she attempted to slow her breaths. 

Seconds later, a hand gently grasped her chin, forcing her gaze up to meet his. 

Joel knelt down in front of her, his shotgun now dropped onto the ground next to her plate.

“What’s wrong?” he demanded as his dark eyes searched hers. 

Juliet was so tired, she didn’t have the energy to disguise her pain anymore. Tears began to cloud her vision.

“I can’t move. Can you help me?” she murmered, her voice cracking as she said the words. 

Joel’s lips parted as he nodded once, sharp and quick. “What do you need?” he asked softly.

Juliet was always amazed by the gentleness that lay beneath Joel’s hard, rough exterior. And she was beginning to notice that it only ever appeared when they were alone, when Joel would look into her eyes in the dark and feel the electricity spark between them. 

“Can you help me lie down? It hurts too much,” Juliet replied as a yawn worked its way up her throat. 

“I can do that,” Joel assured her in his quiet voice, thick with his southern drawl when he spoke this low.

Juliet braced herself as Joel positioned himself behind her and slowly tugged her body down onto his lap. The tears were freely pouring from her eyes, the pain was a blazing fire on her torso. But Joel’s touch was soothing and within seconds, he had her lying on her sleeping bag with her head on his lap. She wasn’t sure how they managed to get into his position but she released a quiet moan as soon as her head hit Joel’s thigh, she was so tired and his body was so warm, Juliet could feel herself drifting off. 

But before sleep could take her, she felt the rough skin of Joel’s fingers sweep a lock of hair off of her face and tuck it behind her ear. She opened her tired eyes to find Joel gazing down at her. Even in the dark, Juliet could see the way his pupils flared, darkening his eyes even further. He waited a moment, then tucked his hands under her head, pulled his body out from beneath her and laid her head onto the sleeping bag.

Juliet didn’t take her eyes off of him and, although she no longer lay on his lap, Joel didn’t move from her side. As Juliet watched him, she saw Joel’s eyes dart to the plate of food on the ground and his jaw tensed.

“You’re not eatin’” he said. 

Juliet swallowed and licked her lips. “Not hungry,” she murmured, not breaking eye contact. 

Her sleep deprived brain didn’t have the same filter as normal and Juliet found herself desperate to ask Joel about her father. She had to know if it was true. She had to hear it from him. 

“Joel,” she breathed. “Ethan told me what happened.”

Joel’s entire body stiffened but he didn’t look away, he didn’t try to deny it. 

“What he did to you -” Joel started, then paused to shake his head. “He had to die.” 

Joel’s words were so clinical and detached as though his memory had taken him back to that moment. 

Juliet felt lightheaded at the thought of Joel seeing her like that. The fact that Joel had witnessed what her father had done to her… what she had let him do to her. Juliet was ashamed and the guilt choked her. 

“I know,” she said.

Shock blazed in Joel’s eyes. Juliet watched the muscles in his throat move. 

“I never meant for you to get involved. You were supposed to get your supplies and leave. I never thought it would turn out like this, that you would have had to ….” Juliet trailed off, breathless from the release of her guilt soaked words. 

“Don’t,” Joel ordered as a dangerous look began to cross his face. He opened his mouth and looked like he was going to say something else but then his eyes dropped to her hands which hovered over her stomach and he stopped, his lips pressing together. 

He shook his head and his eyes shot to the stars that filtered through the trees above them.

“You should’ve told me,” he said quietly with an aching intensity after a long moment.

But Juliet’s eyes had fallen closed and the sound of his slow breaths had already lulled her to sleep.

___________________________________

@amyispxnk @shotgun-shelby @http-paprika

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