something about billie going for dean’s heart in 15x18. something about cas being the one to hold him up and the one to stop the pain. something about cas being the one to save dean from his heart being the death of him. something about cas saving his heart yet ripping it out in the process.
Ok I was ranting to my wife about this but just. Dean does not do anything for himself. Like. Nothing. Except over indulge in sex and food and booze. But those aren’t FOR himself those are to cope because he doesn’t truly do anything for himself. He lives his life for his father’s orders, to avenge his dead mother/earn his alive mother’s love and attention, to keep his brother safe. Any and all things Dean does are rooted in that. But loving Cas, and being loved by Cas, is selfish. It doesn’t serve a purpose, it doesn’t fit the carefully constructed narrative Dean surrounds himself with/deludes himself with. It is just for Dean and he loves that. Post good-version-of-supernatural Dean thinks about that constantly and it makes him greedy. He hoards Cas’s love like a dragon hoarding gold. He runs his hands over Cas reverently and thinks “mine, mine, mine”. He drapes Cas in his clothes and feeds him everything and anything and takes care of him when he’s sick because he is the most precious thing Dean knows.