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errolcandelaria · 6 years

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2018

Another year has passed. That’s another three hundred sixty-five and one fourth days, eight thousand six hundred seventy hours, five hundred twenty-five thousand and six hundred minutes, and thirty-one million plus seconds. That was a lot of numbers. I don’t know about you, but this year has been a ride!! I really went out of my comfort zone, I have met amazing people, made more friends, experienced a few firsts, released a pint of tears and at last, made a decision that I think would change my life forever.

Let me break it down. January was good. I started the year with cough and colds, alone in my room taking videos of myself and the fireworks that can be clearly seen right on my window pane. This was also the month ~ I think~ when I made up my mind that I really want to pursue medicine. This was the month when I fell in love with all the hospital works. That I had envisioned all the times that I’ve been in a hospital, trying to remember the smell of alcohol drenched cotton balls; the hallways, the rush in the emergency room, everything. I never knew I loved those things until last 2016, when I started watching this surgical TV show that I am now obsessed with.

February was okay. Like the usual, I hated my birthday. It’s eerie that I feel like there really is something in my birthday that I don’t quite feel like it’s worth celebrating for. I am not worthy of their time, money and efforts. There were also lots of questions that roamed my mind. To whether tell my parents about my plans or not; is medicine really for me; will they support me with my decision; and WILL I SURVIVE IF EVER I GOT INTO MEDICAL SCHOOL. There were days that I am adamant about my decision, that I tell myself ~ Of course I can do it!! And there were also weeks where I get discouraged, and the fear of making bad decisions really gripped my body tight.

March, hmm. I couldn’t quite remember the events that had happened this month. But I am pretty sure this was the month that I went full on crazy about someone in our college. I really want to know that person’s name, but I had to go incognito because everything will be messed up if that person knew.

April. CSSP NIGHT!!! LIT LIT LIT LIT!!! This was one of the happiest night of my life. Played bingo for the first time, got to see my crush perform on stage for the first time, AND ACTUALLY KNOWING THY NAME!!! Added on facebook, then got accepted the next day. O diba. I don’t remember that much events in this month. I am pretty sure I was still in the phase of constant dilemma about the decision I made for my future.

May. The semester is almost over!! But say no more, I still had an internship over the summer.

June. INTERNSHIP WOOOOH!! Lit lit lit rin. Pero hindi capital letters kasi muntik na ko magkaroon ng mental breakdown. Why? Internship. I never had a hardtime naman looking for a company to train to unlike some of my classmates pero the ~pressure? That’s what held me back talaga. I think? Culture shock siguro is the best term to describe what I felt. Ano ba. I was just a normal student tapos I get to be an intern in a huge BPO company tapos I had to talk to potential employees pa. IN PURE ENGLISH!! Syempre na shookt ako. Tapos I got assigned in a station right next to our boss pa!! Imagine the pressure. But she was really nice. She’s funny, approachable and all. Pero still nu, I couldn’t help but get intimidated by her presence. I lost track din on how many times I got scolded for doing the call outs wrong. I got the feeling that my supervisor has this impulse deep down to strangle me with the cord of the telephone I use. But in all, I still got to finish it. I finished it without even noticing I was almost done. Days passed by like hours. Literal. 10 hours a day ba naman ang oras na nababawas sa 240 hours ko eh. But seriously, I didn’t even notice that I was almost done with it. I met amazing people there, I got to talk with real people looking for jobs, interact with people older and far superior than me, which was my greatest fear!! Talk about getting out of your comfort zone huh.

July. This was the month when I finished my internship. Actually, it wasn’t easy coming back to your old shit. I missed waking up way early to catch the 6:30 am UV so I would arrive at work at exactly 7:45. Separation anxiety? No. I just miss the ambiance. The faces of the people that I get to interact with daily, the cold work room that would chill you right to your bones, and yung pag kain ko ng Richeese every after lunch. WOOH!

August. Back to bizz. FIRST SEM. 4TH YEAR. I’M OFFICIALLY A GRADUATING STUDENT!!! What’s with the enthusiasm? Boy doesn’t even know what’s about to come at him. If there’s this saying na life throws you lemons, and you would just make lemonades out of it, oh boy. Life threw me pineapples, sea urchins, a school bus and a nuclear bomb. Which I don’t know how to deal with, cause HOW DO YOU EVEN COOK A SEA URCHIN? August was one of the months of this year that made me cry. Not even because of a heartbreak, nor a typical teenager shortcoming, but because of the terrorizing spirit that lies within the subject that is research I. Starting from the day that our professor had assigned us to do an individual research proposal, all of us knew that it will be the beginning of the tormenting last first semester in our college lives.

September. Wake me up when September ends. Cause there was no relevant thing that I could remember happened this month. Again, I am pretty sure that I was still rehearsing the words that I would tell my parents about my plans after graduation. Still uncertain on what’s gonna come next.

October. We were assigned to our respective thesis groups. This was also the month that we submitted the first draft of our real thesis proposal. Mind you, we almost got rejected. Title lang tiningnan nung prof naming bes. This was when the inside joke ‘bibili na naming ng condensed milk si prof para di na sya ma-bother sa proposal naming evaporada’. Beh. This was my busiest month this year. Revisions here and there, almost everyday we were in school since we refused to have another overnight cause we accomplish nothing when we are in an air-conditioned room. The impetus of the warm and cozy bed was really inviting and irresistible. So ayun, we were in the school almost everyday.

November. Thesis proposal defense!!! Holy shit. We had an overnight to rehearse everything we have to say the day before the defense. I was so nervous, but my group mates were just chilling. Literally. Kasi nga ang lamig sa kwarto. I don’t know but I have this thing that I always overcomplicate things. Things that can be handled by a five-year old child I tend to make it seem like the apocalypse is about to happen. I have always had an anxiety in speaking in front of the class, so imagine my nervousness about this one cause I have to present a proposal in front of three intimidating research gods. And then the day of the defense came, WE PASSED!! I couldn’t forget the awkward shriek I did when the assigned panel to our group delivered the good (?) news to us, in his timid, kinda shy low voice. All the stress, the fear, the anxiety I have that day flew away as he uttered the words “Eheh, uhm. Pumasa kayo…. Pero with major revisions”. Boy I didn’t even hear everything the panel said after those words. Buti na lang our mentor recorded everything, cause if not, mangangapa kami and mamatay sa kakaalala kung ano ano yung mga suggestions na binigay nila.

December. Ahhh. The final month of the year!! Was there something relevant that happened this month? YES!!! LIT LIT LIT LIT ULIT!! Our section had THE most extreme, wildest, and craziest after-defense slash victory party slash walwal party ever!!! What a wonderful way to welcome the last month of twenty seventeen! I also met a new friend, a twitter friend from our college. Haha. Ooh. I also decided to tell my parents about my plans. Imagine my fear, anxiety, fear of rejection, lahat na pota!! Aaaaand. It didn’t go well. They did not approve. But anyway, I still want to prove myself that I got what it takes to be a good physician, so I have decided that even though I am not certain that I will go to med school right after graduation, I would still review for the NMAT and take it this coming March or April. Diba. Because, sabi nga sa bible, for the Lord has plans for all of us. Plans that will prosper us and not to harm us, plans that will give us hope and future. Honestly those are the words that give me hope. That I could still be something I want to be despite the fear, the people that hold me back, and the discouragement I get from my own environment. I can do it naman diba?

I think the word that encapsulates the events that took place this year is uncertainty. For me at least. It is what I feared the most. Afraid of what will happen next. Maybe it is the utmost reason why I missed a lot of chances to – prove myself, to show off what I got in my jacket pocket, what I can offer, and to improve the things here I am good at.

I have had a lot of shortcomings this year. The tears that I let out were way fewer than last year, but the tears from this year came from a deeper source. Maybe because I already decided what I want to do until I die, but the people around tell me otherwise. I felt like my dream was invalidated. Trashed. Thrown away. Just because the dream is a 24-karat gold and I only have a couple of gravel and sand. And it cuts even deeper and the wounds won’t heal in an instant.

I’m a fond believer of that famous saying that’s about crossing a bridge when you arrived there, but what if there are even no roads, or pathways or pavements that will lead you to that bridge? You haven’t even reached the bridge yet, but you have already been stopped because the enforcers told you the roads are closed. I could handle everything life throws at me. I made a ridiculous stewed sea urchin, I put the pineapples on my pizza, I defused the nuclear bomb and used it as a decoration in my room, kasi nga I cross the bridge when I get there. I deal with what’s in front of me. Pero how could you deal with something, if along the way, the people around you have already poked a hole in your tires? That even though they believe in you, unconsciously they are telling you that ~no, you won’t do it cause we won’t allow you. It will just fuel your fear kasi you will never know what’s on the other side. You cannot cross the bridge because you won’t even get there. The fear of uncertainty will eat you alive, chew you and spit you out to where you started. And I don’t want to be that person who grieves, and regrets his life decisions after a couple of years because he patterned it out from what the people around him pressured him to do. I want to dictate my future, but there are just inevitable circumstances that make it hard to do so, and it makes me real sad. I thought this year will be different. I had high hopes with it, but it just let me down. They let me down.

But I will still continue striving. This time, I will have enough courage, and bravery to stand up for the choices I make. I will never let any opportunity slip through my hands like water. I will face this year in my warrior suit, equipped with the disappointments, discouragements, fears, heartbreaks, anxieties, regrets, and problems the past year had thrown at me, that I have successfully overcome.

I can already feel that this year will be tiring, productive, troublesome, hard, insane, bountiful, delightful, pleasing, satisfying, wild, I can list a couple more adjectives but in all, I will sum it up with just a word stressful. But hey, being stressed means that you are actually doing something. I expect a lot of disappointments and heartbreaks to come this year, but deep down, a spark of hope still shines. I have the right to be a pessimist, cause hello, 2017??? But it does not mean I will be for the rest of the year.

I’m on my *crossed fingers* final year in college, so that means I will be graduating this year. That alone is one hell of an event to look forward to. Alongside that, my medical journey will also be put on trial this year 🤣. My fate to becoming a medical doctor will be decided hopefully before I graduate from college. But again in crossed fingers, I really hope that whoever is to decide, I want the decision to be in my favor cause not only it will trace my future, it will also reveal how tough, matured, brave and steadfast I have become. These are just two of what I think be the highlights of this year. Here’s to a handful more of new experiences!! Cheers. 🥂

May 2018 be my year.

Seriously. Cause 2018 is Year of the Dog, and I’m a big big huge enormous fan of dogs. so can this year be my year?

#2018 #adios2017

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errolcandelaria · 7 years

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19th 🎈

Thank you Lord for giving me another year to live, to fail, to succeed, to spread positivity, to motivate, to help, to be a friend, to laugh, to make people laugh, to be a supporter, and every single thing i love to do and to be. Thank you for all your blessings on the past year, i may not remember every single one of them but right now, just me being able to breathe and type these letters are huge blessings enough. Three things i want for this year are first of all, good health for my parents, haha. They work so hard everyday to provide everything we need. The second one is for my studies, i need and i will have a better grades than last semester i claim it, and it includes my OJT this summer, i hope I wouldn't have to look for a company, a school and a hospital to train into. Then the last one i actually haven't thought of that yet. I hope this another year is gonna be as good as the last one (it wasn't even that good lmao) Here's to never growing up!! 🎈🍾🎊🎉🎂🍕

#happy birthday to me!!#19th

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errolcandelaria · 7 years

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📍Greenwhich 🍕

#incomplete

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errolcandelaria · 7 years

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When your heart is full of rage you could feel your eyes beating. When you're that fucking angry you can't even find words to describe your anger so you just shut up and feel like a volcano ready to erupt.

#weakling #fuck me #fuck life #fuck everything

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errolcandelaria · 7 years

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I arrived late. I did not told my friends where i am when they texted me. Maybe my friends got bored. Maybe they wanted to be the first in line so we wouldn't have to be in line for a long time. Wait we didn't even talked about waiting for each other?? Why would i be angry if it is my fault after all? A kind of thinking i want everyone to have

#ajixuajqhqhajwkq

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errolcandelaria · 7 years

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Descriptive words for book reviews, essays and other things

“I liked it / it was nice”

lovely

delightful

pleasant

fair

pleasurable

approved

fine

satisfying

excellent

amazing

great

pleasing

sound

rad

worthy

superb

“It was complex in a good way/ it really grabbed my attention”

fascinating

intriguing

thought provoking

captivating

alluring

stimulating

intricate

sophisticated

labyrinthine

baroque

“It was complicated in a negative way / I didn’t quite understand it”

troublesome

inconvenient

difficult

vexing

tricky

puzzling

confusing

disorganised

obscure

far-fetched

strange

“It wasn’t very interesting / not very exciting”

boring

tedious

dull

unpleasant

mundane

stuffy

lifeless

repetitive

drudging

flat

tiresome

tame

depthless

“It made me a bit emotional/gave me the feels”

sentimental

emotional

moving

heartwarming

tear-jerking

affecting

heating

poignant

passionate

touching

“I’m not crazy about it / it was okay”

okay

passable

so-so

not bad

tolerable

adequate

middling

all-right

moderately pleasing

“Best thing ever”

fantastic

exceptional

marvelous

first-class

splendid

astounding

astonishing

extraordinary

phenomenal

wonderful

comparing things / “It was better than this other thing”

superior

favourable

preferable

more advanced

of higher rank

exceeding

distinguished

a cut above

more desirable

more valuable

improved

higher/better quality

more useful

surpassing

sharpened

more sophisticated

“It wasn’t good I didn’t like it”

bad

disagreeable

nasty

unrefined

horrible

unlikeable

coarse

imprecise

vexing

problematic

unimportant

“It was really bad”

terrible

repulsive

atrocious

disturbing

disastrous

revolting

rotten

loathsome

gruesome

appaling

abhorrent

dreadful

horrifying

poor

offensive

dire

awful

ghastly

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errolcandelaria · 7 years

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Adios 2k16

I was thinking of something to compare to 2016, but I cannot find the right thing to compare it with. This year has a thin line between oh no here she goes let’s kill ourselves and OH MY GOD YAAAAAAS SLAAAY ME QUEEN. I feel like. Or is it just me?

Terrible things have happened, i lost count on how many tragedies hit the Earth this year. From bombings, terrorist attacks, gun violence, hate crimes, Trump as the president, Christina Grimmie’s demise, deaths of music and movie icons and natural disasters. From the Paris attacks, the attacks on Turkey, earthquakes in Japan, the Orlando night club shooting etc. One word that encapsulates the past events is “tragic”. God i dont even know how many times i said that to myself every time i hear or read the news.

However, on the OH MY GOD YAAAAAAS SLAAAY ME QUEEN version of 2016, a lot of great things have happened. From the artists that made a comeback, excellent albums that dropped, good movies, and Leonardo DiCaprio finally won an Oscar proves that the year of realizing things *© Kylie Jenner* is not that bad at all. Also, good things happened to me too. i lost weight, i gained new friends, i have been sort more of focused on my studies, and i learned how to drive hahaha.

Before 2017 starts, i wanted to be laser focused on my studies. No more cramming, no more a-day-before-the-exam reviews, i wanted to be more participative in class, i wanted to be less introverted and make new friends. I will not drink soda, i will eat more vegetables (lmao) i will save money, i will work hard on my OJT, hopefully find someone haha you know what i mean and i will try my very best to stay away from negativity!!!

One thing i learned, negative events will happen, negativity is everywhere but if you would just seek for the good side of them, that negative shit will never affect you at all. Happiness is always present. You just have to open your eyes and find it.

“All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey” - Lemony Snicket

I pray and hope 2017 will be better

#2016 #year of realizing things #welcome 2017 #hello 2017

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errolcandelaria · 7 years

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Overrrnight 🌙 11/03/16

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errolcandelaria · 8 years

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sana delayed lang sa customs yung soulmate ko no?

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errolcandelaria · 8 years

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Stages of Anguish of an Eternally-ish Single Person

All my life i have been single. All 18 years of my existence, i have never experienced being with someone i like, being loved or appreciated, or basically I’ve never had something all people at my age is going bananas about: a “significant other”.

Significant other in Psychology is someone that is very important in an individual’s life or well being. In Erik Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development, an infant’s significant other is its mother, the teacher for a pre adolescent, adolescents and early adults are their partners, and so on. Which is why most of us craves for even a tiny glimpse of love and affection from someone. Rigghht?

Dating has been always a pain in the ass for me. No I haven’t dated anyone yet, but for a person like me that has an unattractive physique but has an ultimately high standards it is really really really hard. Do I believe in love? Yes. I do hope that one day, that person will come. 70%chance that it will come, and obviously 30%chance that it wouldn’t. I kinda accepted that i will be single for a reallllllllllly long time, so hey let’s cut the chase and let’s just get into this.

But wait, a little disclaimer first 😂 I’m not a registered practitioner or somethin. All things you’re about to read are just based on my own experiences, and some stages could be familiar to Kübler’s Five Stages of Grief. I’ve been there and i overcame it so might as well share these to this blog. Ok

• Stage 1: Self Pity and Envy

You will wake up every morning then you check your phone and there are no good morning text messages. You will get up, get your towel and before you shower or even while pooping you’ll ask yourself some questions

“Am I not not lovable?” “Am I that ugly?” “Am I hard to love?” Then of course your trolling brain will answer it directly “You’re fucking ugly” “No one will love you” “You eat everything you see you even almost ate a decomposing pizza yesterday” “You weigh 500lbs” After some moment with yourself, you go to the shower, dress up, and prepare for school. By the time you walked into the gate you’ll see couples everywhere. Gay couples, straight couples, couples that one is unattractive then the other one looks so perfect, couples that are both attractive, and so on. They’re everywhere. Then after you walked through the torture path full of in love individuals you finally made your way into your safe haven. Or at least it is what you thought ~ your classroom. You went to your seat, one of your classmate is texting his boyfriend, then the girl beside him is snuggling with her boyfriend and few of your classmates are on a phone call with the love of their lives. There goes the envy. The harsh feeling you’ve been holding in since you walked in that gate. You’ll get envious. “Why can’t i be happy like them?” “I wanna feel what they’re feeling right now” “I wonder what it feels like when someone holds your hand” These thoughts goes off every. single. minute. of. your. day. And it makes you feel even worse. You will feel like you’re the freakiest ugliest person that has ever walked on the planet.

• Stage 2: Anger

After feeling shit for months, you will now be furious to anyone or anything that reminds you of love. You will despise cute balloons, teddy bears, flowers, couple shirts, or anything that has the word “couple” intact in it. You will hate Valentine’s Day cause duh, it is the special day intended for celebrating their significant other. Why do they even have to dedicate a whole 24 hours to glorify an event that pretty much you can’t even fathom to celebrate. You will roll your eyes almost at everyone cause literally wherever you look at there are freaking love birds dating. You will laugh at guys spending thousands for flowers that will only live up for maximum of one week. You’ll buy chocolates cause who the hell won’t grab this opportunity to buy three bars for the price of one? Hello?? You will make sure that everyone knows you hate Valentine’s Day. You will tweet, snapchat, vine, or even post on friendster how much you abominate that day. That bitter feeling inside you is telling you to do all these things. Cool ryt.?

• Stage 3: Self Hatred (deja vu??)

Just when you thought you are over the drama, hey girl not yet. Just when you thought it is over because of those bitterness, rage and anger in your heart, no henny you’re wrong. When you’re done going crazy over sweet couples you see on social media or in real life, you will basically go back to the first stage. Redundant isn’t it? But that’s reality. You may feel bitter about all those relationship stuff but you cannot escape the fact that you’re still longing for love. It’s inescapable. After ravaging, you will become vulnerable and weak again and it leads you to….

• Stage 4: Despair

This is the most awkward stage of all, lmao. This is the stage where you will now sign up to dating sites like Tinder, or other apps out there. You will constantly tell yourself you need someone. You need a partner. You need a man/woman who will save you from yourself. You will now try to lower your standards, you will swipe right to anyone that you feel decent and at least likable. Then finally after hours and hours of non stop swiping, someone finally swiped right to you. Of course you will treasure this once in a lifetime moment so you’ll awkwardly celebrate the first time someone apparently responded with your long time craving for love. You’ll initiate a conversation and 3 minutes into it, you’re already balls deep bored. All he wants is sex. You will try to revive this boring ass conversation but after trying and trying, you will realize it just won’t work out. (Cause if it worked out, then why the hell are you reading this blog post? duhh,)

• Stage 5: Acceptance

This is the hardest stage of all. It took me years to get into this stage but finally. Finally after all these instances you’ve been through, you will realize loving is just not for you. Or at least not yet for you. I know this is cliché or cheesy or whatever but maybe if you wait, the right person will make its way into your life. But for the mean time, you will now accept the fact that a) you’re not yet ready, b) there are millions of guys and girls out there, and one of them is for you and who knows, maybe your soulmate isn’t even born yet and c) you have so much in your plate and love has not even a grain in it. After craving for love for months and months and months, you will see how much you missed in life while you’re busy looking for love. You will appreciate the greatness of life, you will appreciate your friends even more. Maybe you have to love yourself just as much as you are willing to give to someone. No one loves you romantically, but you’re okay with it. You didn’t found love but you found new happiness without the involvement of a “significant other”

Love is so overrated and we are totally over it 😉 ~ or are we? 😟

By the wayyy, if you made it til the end without cringing or wanting to shoot yourself in the head, thank you, ｖ（＾＿＾ｖ）

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errolcandelaria · 8 years

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Kung lulunurin mo lang yung sarili mo sa kalungkutan, hindi mo makikita yung mga magagandang nangyayari sa paligid mo. Habang nag eemote ka dyan napapalampas mo yung mga magagandang bagay na pwedeng makapag pasaya sayo. Cheer up. Wag mong dibdibin, may likod ka pa

#motivation?

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errolcandelaria · 8 years

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I've had this blog for almost 5 or 6 years now but i still can't totally figure out how this whole thing works. 😂😭 and my account is not even growing like the fuck?? help a bitch out

#heLp

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errolcandelaria · 8 years

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Stages of Anguish of an Eternally-ish Single Person

• Stage 1: Self Pity and Envy

• Stage 2: Anger

• Stage 3: Self Hatred (deja vu??)

• Stage 4: Despair

• Stage 5: Acceptance

Love is so overrated and we are totally over it 😉 ~ or are we? 😟

By the wayyy, if you made it til the end without cringing or wanting to shoot yourself in the head, thank you, ｖ（＾＿＾ｖ）