fatangryswan

[fatangryswan]

idk I’m just desperately trying to find a way to phrase this that won’t make other white people who think we’re are oppressed feel validated (we’re not oppressed and this post isn’t for you or your feelings)

but I really did see people bullying a teenage girl, a child, a high schooler, for saying she loved her body, because “shut up there’s nothing impressive about a skinny white girl loving her body lmao” and these were white people–White ADULTS–saying this!!!! trying to seem cool and aware by bullying a child!!

and I just wish everyone involved would remember what it’s like to be a teenage girl and all of the expectations the world put on us and our bodies. to be skinny, but muscular, to be thin, but with nice boobs, to be sexy as a child, to keep our hands to ourselves even when someone touched us and to never be too loud.

and it’s like. yeah, actually. no matter their race, size, gender, etc. it is amazing when a teenager decides “I’m going to love the body I have, because my body doesn’t exist to make anyone else happy; it exists so I can be here and make my life what I want.”

It’s amazing when ANYONE decides that, so when someone figures it out young, they deserve to be celebrated and encouraged.

the real issue with representation is that clothing companies, beauty brands, movies, television, makeup companies, etc. think that the end-all, be-all of revolutionary self-love is skinny white women. THAT needs to stop. We DESPERATELY need people of all races, genders, and body types represented in our media and in what we buy, because it HAS always mostly been skinny white women.

but the problem isn’t and never has been a 16 year old girl deciding to love herself,

and if you’re white saying stuff like that, just know everyone sees through your toxic, lazy activism, acting like you’re making a difference by bullying a child on the internet.

leave the kids the fuck alone.

[fatangryswan]

Gods, you don't know how it happens, but sometimes, you forget that you're a collection of broken bits and bobs held together by willpower and spite. You forget about the pain and the constant discomfort and the weirdness, you forget that the only marionette to be a real boy is Pinocchio.

You have weeks, months even, of minimal pain and spasms, sleep that borders on restfull and a stomach that isn't roiling at just the thought of food. You are able to answer honestly that you're pretty certain any aches and pains you have are mostly the same as what a real person would have....and then something happens...you getma cold, you get a stomach virus, you are sick and your body remembers that it is literally its own worst enemy and that everything is wrong and the pain starts and the sleep stops and your muscles stop cooperating and and your joints feel like they're not actually yours and there is pain in places it shouldn't be, except that no wait, for you that is where it belongs, and where did that Fucking sleep go?

And you get irritable and moody and you lash up at everyone and everything because it sucks so much, and you seek comfort with your partner or partners but your body isn't cooperating even for that, because it hurts to be touched in anything but the right way and you don't know what the right way is, and your muscles spasm and seize and you are so, so angry at your body for denying you that...

So you seek solace in your craft or your kitchen or your music or your fiction but you can't focus and you lose count and your hands won't grip right to measure or mix or roll part of dinner, thank god there's storebought in the fridge, and words don't work,and here, have a random bloody nose because the pain and itching and emotional fuckery isn't enough....

And you can't explain that you aren't angry or upset r frustrated at anyone but your body, not yourself just your body, and definitely, and you will feel worse if your partner/s change plans because of you, because it shouldn't be their job to accommodate you all the time, and you understand they don't think you're a burden but good goddamn when you feel like an exhausting burden on yourself you wonder how it doesn't just drain them totally dry, so you find yourself sitting in a room, trying not to cry, dealing with a random bloody nose and hands that don't work and itchy skin and everything hurts....and you're just so angry at nothing.

#fat angry swan is angry #chronic illness #chronic pain #spoonies #fuck this shit

[fatangryswan]

Tonight, Sunday, is time for the ritual and routine filling of the pill case, checking all the meds that don't go in the case, making notes of what appointments I need for refills, for check ins, for testing to make sure I am not damaging myself with the meds I need to function. I started a new job, and am losing weight, which is good, but it doesn't change that I'm always going to be chronically ill, and that my autoimmune issues turn a small virus into something that can take me down for days. It is frustrating because there is a petty part of me that wants to cart a basket of meds around with me to show to people and go "see? Even the slow process of being less fat makes the Swan need these any less! Stop blaming my health on my size, dammit" I started this long ago because I was fat, and angry, and ill...and I still am.

#fat angry swan is angry #spoonies #rheumatoid arthritis #fibromyalgia #chronic migraine #ibs #fuuuuuuck this shit hard

[fatangryswan]

I've started and stopped and deleted and rewritten this post I don't know how many times. I've had lower back pain for...god, years, literal years.

I've brought it up at numerous appointments with multiple doctors across different practices and specialities. It was either overlooked, because when multiple things are on fire, you focus on what needs putting out first, or written off "well, Swan, you are gaining weight/fat, have you tried exercise more?" Or "Swan, here is a pretty basic move that should help stretch that, but Yanno, you have other things and this is likely because of those" and since I'm not drug seeking, and I appear functional, it just lay there.

I finally made an appointment to address just the back pain, and the spasms I was having in my back and legs. My primary dr, whom I adore, ultimately referred me to therapy, but for gait analysis and training, figuring my walking incorrectly was causing the problems, and to be fair, after looking into it, walking incorrectly,will fuck your shit up because the entire body is interconnected, yo. But anyways, I get to therapy and the therapist looks at me, looks at the most informative questionnaire I've ever filled out (no zero to ten, instead examples ranging from 'I can do this' to 'it hurts a little so I avoid it' to 'I can do this with no difficulty, but it causes extreme pain' to 'seriously I crawl to the bathroom and back to bed that is it') has me do so,e range of motion exercises and goes 'your issue isn't that your back hurts because you can't walk, it's that you can't walk because your back is messed up."

The therapist is also a fat woman with RA and previous back surgery. She became a therapist because she was so frustrated that she couldn't get help when she needed it, and didn't want other people to go through what she did. There's a fair amount of compression in my lumbar and lower thoracic regions. X-ray will be done once the inflammation is down a bit, she was livid that no one has thought to do that yet. I've got some simple exercises to do to apply some manual traction, alleviate some of the stenosis, but everything is slow and gentle right now. Our goals are fewer spasms, less pain, getting enough mobility back to put on socks and lace up shoes without pain or help, and to avoid surgery if at all possible. Also, I have 'no realistic concept of reasonable pain levels' which means I hurt much more than I think I do.

Had I waited, it would have been "Very Bad". If I had a pressed more, not accepted that it was related to fat, to RA, to Fibromyalgia, it wouldn't be at this point, where I'm in weekly pt hoping we get it down enough for viable x-rays, let alone not spas I guess and hurting all the time.

Cignets, I am always talking about not letting being Fat, especially A Fat Woman impact your healthcare, and I fell right in that void. It's ok, we pick ourselves up, dust off and do better next time, but advocate for yourself, fiercely. You are the only one who knows what you are feeling.

--Swan

#fat angry swan is angry #fat health #chronic pain #fat medical care

[fatangryswan]

Normally I refill my pillcase every Sunday or Monday night, but I have a long weekend coming up, so I did a mid week top off. This is just my daily maintenance meds that I take morning and night. This doesn't include the (up to 3) different migraine meds, the (up to 3) different meds I take so I can eat, the muscle relaxant, or the handful of general otc meds anyone has like Tylenol, Advil, benedryl, Pepto, etc...or the bonus surprise things like oh, your autoimmune issue killed your immune system, so here's three different antibiotics, antivirals and steroids so what would normally be just a cold doesn't take you down for a few months (not hyperbole, btw) I get asked all the time, by what I am sure are well meaning people if I need to take so many meds, have I tried cutting some out, what about yoga, sleeping more, losing weight, working out, kombucha, raw food diet, less dairy, more dairy, reduce stress, avoid gluten, try any number of totally contradictory anti-inflammation diets, have I tried what worked for their brother's neighbor's cousin's son's college roommate? No. No I cannot. Every now and then there will be a shortage of something at the pharmacy, or I won't pay attention to my stock, or the budget and the refill don't match, and I have to go without something for a few days to a few weeks, once due to insurance I was without one for a month and a half, and I was barely functional. Nothing is more fun that stiff swollen joints paired with lax muscles and vertigo! I'm not on these meds for fun and excitement. I'm not getting high. If I could lose some weight, if I could be more physically active, I would. I think I speak for most spoonies when I say that we don't want to be on all the drugs all the time! And I'm not saying it's bad to need drugs to function, but for fucks sake, people, it's not like I'm luxuriating in it either. I am so angry at the assumption that I'm somehow taking the easy way out. My fat is partly due to my health, not the other way around. I take these pills to be some semblance of healthy. If I knew how to eliminate stress and sleep more don't you think I would? I like yoga, but it won't 'cure' me. I'm not even 100% sure what kombucha even is, And I'm pretty sure your brother's neighbor's cousin's son's college roommate is make believe!

#spoonies #chronic illness #invisible disability #fat angry swan is angry

[fatangryswan]

I don’t know if “spoonie guilt” is an official term, but it should be. Guilt associated with chronic illness sucks so much. I would never judge someone for taking time to work on their health and get a game plan, etc., but myself? Oh, yes, lots of judgment and guilt for not “being productive.” I am being productive, though! Reminding myself that productivity does not exclusively mean making money and being 100% independent is hard.

Internalized ableism is real, y'all.

#spoonies #it is real #to me at least

[fatangryswan]

It's been forever

It's been forever since I've said anything here. I am sorry, but there was a while when just dealing with it was more than I wanted to deal with. Last winter saw me with Shingles, and the knowledge that it is possible for me to have shingles again, since I was a multiple carrier on chicken pox. Then the tummy issues got bad. So bad. But no one knew what was up, and of course my weight is always a concern when something new happens and I've got new doctors. Pro tip, its not my fat. Currently it's a clinical of IBS. They thought it was going to be Crohns, but the pathology said nope. They still aren't ruling it out though. I have days wherein my body is disgusting. I can pinpoint specifically that my ilium hurts, my intestines roil, my head throbs, my joints burn and creak, my muscles don't listen, and that's not abnormal for me. I have days when the only spoons I have are the ones I use to get dressed, get fed, make sure my kids are ok. It isn't fair. It isn't fair to me, to my loved ones, but it is what it is. Then there are the days where I have energy, and I don't hurt, as much, and I don't have tummy upset, as much, and my body works, almost. And I want to horde those days, because I can sleep those days, play with my kids, spend intimate time with my spouse without him worrying about causing me more pain.... I will try to not take forever before the next update. My body makes me angry, politics make me angry, but you, dear cygnets, don't deserve silence.

#fat #spoonie #rheumatoid arthritis #fibromyalgia #ibs #chronic migraine

[fatangryswan]

But, You're Always Sick!

How are you? They ask. I have a cold, I say. I have a cough, a sniffle, it's just some dry skin, a few hives, only a little lethargy, just some tummy upset, bit of a headache, small virus, I say. Oh...I hope you're better soon,they say. It'll pass, I say. Don't worry about it, drinking fluids, getting rest, right as rain in no time, it's the weather, it's allergies, it's that time of year, it's been going around, I say. You're sick so often, they say. You're still not better? They ask. But, you're always sick! Yes. Yes, I am. I *AM* always sick. Even when I feel fabulous and energetic and full of life and wonderful I am always sick. It's why I'm so often tired. It's why my body doesn't like to heal they way it should from injuries, it's why viral and bacterial illnesses seem to dig in and take hold. By the very nature of having autoimmune disorders I am, at the most base and technical level, always sick. Sometimes it takes more of a toll, sometimes it shows more, sometimes I let it show more. It's hard because I know there are people who have it much worse than I do, but I will be the first to tell people who claim I have it worse than them that my illness is not theirs, that chronic illness impacts everyone differently. It is hard because I know I don't see the doctor about everything I should, but I also don't want to see the doctor so often that they stop taking me seriously. It is hard because it's a constant battle when a new symptom shows up figuring out it its related to something I am aware of, or something new. It is hard because I don't want to feel like any more of a drain on the people who care for me than I already do. I am so used to being the caregiver myself, and I loathe feeling like I am taking away from others personal time, relaxation time, that I'm adding to their worry or stress. So yes, I am always sick, and I'm rather sick of it.

#chronic illness #spoonies #living with chronic illness #fat angry swan is angry

[fatangryswan]

Hey there, cignets... In the US, it's Thanksgiving, a huge food and families holiday. It's winter holiday season for sure, regardless of religion or region, and this is going to lead to food. So much food. At work, at home, in front of family and friends and strangers. It is easy to fall into becoming self-conscious to the point of fault, it is easy to listen to the many things people say without thinking, or being intentionally hurtful. Everywhere has articles about how to eat less over the holidays, how to dress best to hide your problem areas, how to not be comfortable in your own skin. That can all kindly fuck off. You know your self worth is not dependent on your size, your clothing, the food you enjoy, or a glass of wine. Be fierce, be fabulous, be yourself. Fat, thin, tall, short, dressed up or in jammies and slippers, it doesn't matter. Eat what you are hungry for, no shame. Drink what you are thirsty for, no shame. Dress how you want (note: appropriate for the venue may be a requirement however), no shame. Own your body, no shame. Be alone, no shame. Be social, no shame. My wish to you and yours this holiday season is to not be ashamed. Even if you cannot embrace yourself, own yourself, respect yourself, honor yourself and screw what anyone else says. ~Swan

#happy holidays.

[fatangryswan]

The time has come to speak of many things....

My husband has asked a few times why I started this blog, why I don't just fold it into my main blog, and for a long time I had no answer. It dawned on me that this place is distraction free. There is no fandom, no porn, no music. This is a place about bodies, physical and mental health, life...without the bells and whistles we so often use to judge. Oh, they like *that show*, why don't they like that actor? Really? They follow that carton? Nope, if it winds up here it's because it speaks to something about body image and fat acceptance, about being out of spoons or having an abundance, about chronic health issues, about raising special needs kids, genius smart ass kids, hyperactive artistic punk kids, about equality and respect and the things that I wish were paid attention to just as much as adorable kittens, sexy stars, visual puns... Ok. Now a note on chronic pain. It's chronic, and it's pain. This sounds self explanatory, it hurts and it's never actually going away. People forget that this doesn't mean it's level. You can have a period of little to no real noticeable pain, followed by a spike, where just when you think you figured out how to deal with the most prominent hurt, something else speaks up. It is draining, mentally and emotionally, you get snappish and snarly then you get guilty over snapping at those who most certainly don't deserve it. You get gloomy in your brain, it's a self feeding cycle of Ick. You are exhausted physically, it takes so much energy to hurt all the time. That sounds ridiculous but it's true. Then you can't rest well, because pain. And it's hard not to push yourself and it's hard not to blame yourself and it's hard not to hate yourself when you can't do anything without sacrificing somewhere or something or someone. Then the stress cycle starts. You stress because things fall apart, but stress makes your body and brain worse, which makes you stress more, and round and round it goes. Change is afoot, there's some insurance based med changes happening real soon for Swan, and I see an endocrinologist and adult weight specialist in a week and a half, to ensure that my weight gain over the last year and a half, two years isn't actually a symptom of something larger, and to help me be less fat, as doing so will ease some pressure on my back and joints. Don't worry, though, I will still be the fat angry swan.

#chronic pain #spoonies

[fatangryswan]

Body image in hindsight

Every five years or so, I look back and lament that I didn’t appreciate the body I had at the time. When I was athletic I wanted to be curvier. As I started to have more padding over my hips and thighs I missed the muscled abdomen of my athletic years, when I had small tits I was so fond of being long legs and hips that would stop a train, when I was first pregnant I missed being smaller, after my second son I missed having small breasts…for a long time the body I had after my second son was my ideal, under two hundred, soft but not rolly, slender without being angular. I was so angry at what my body did while I was pregnant with my last. It got so big, without my permission, there was nothing we could do to figure out why. I spent so long hating this body that it’s only in hindsight I really appreciated it. This body that gave to me three children. This body that helps sustain me. Now I look back five year, when I was between 215-235 and I was comfortably fat, and active. I hadn’t been diagnosed with the rheumatoid or the fibromyalgia yet. I had persistent low back pain but it was fine! We changed some meds and the weight started, I and I let it continue to happen. When I look at myself now, I need to remember to filter my thoughts thru what I will think five years from now. I need to remind myself that even though I hurt, I am learning how to read my body, even though I am over three hundred pounds, I am more accepting of my size than ever before, I can, and am, attempting to change things, to get back to where I was about five years ago, but no matter what, I need to love it now, too.

My body is an amazing thing, it is a universe unto itself, and so is yours. We must nurture our bodies like we would our mind and spirit. We must be unashamed, as shame is a useless emotion. If we cannot love ourselves, let’s at least work on tolerating ourselves, treat ourselves the way we wish others would treat us. We don’t want to look back five years from now and lament how horrible we treated ourselves.

#body acceptance #fat acceptance #body image #tw: body image

[fatangryswan]

When starting a fitness or health “routine” I think everyone should ask themselves, “Could I do this for the next twenty years and be healthy and happy?” Could you meticulously count calories for the next twenty years? Could you severely under-eat for the next twenty years? Could you work out seven days a week for three hours a day for the next twenty years? If your lifestyle isn’t healthy and sustainable then why are you doing it? Obviously, this mindset doesn’t apply if you’re trying to reach a specific goal, like a bodybuilding competition, restoring your weight from an eating disorder, or losing a considerable amount of weight for medical reasons. But if those things don’t apply to you, why would you want to yo-yo between an unsustainable routine, feeling guilty, trying to “bounce back” all the time, etc.? Healthy and sustainable is the only way to go.

#relationship with food #the difference between a diet and a lifestyle #if you get a 'cheat day' it's a diet #body acceptance

[fatangryswan]

Don’t feel bad if you still wish your body looked different or if your voice sounded better or if you can’t quite love yourself yet. Self-acceptance is a journey. You’re not hopeless just because others may be ahead of you. Appreciate yourself. Appreciate how far you’ve come. You’re on your way, at your own pace.

#body acceptance

[fatangryswan]

Functional Underwear

Let's talk about underwear when you're fat. More so the ability to obtain reasonably priced, readily available undies that are not a brief, a full coverage granny panty sort of brief, when you're fat. Went shopping earlier, the store may have been a -mart store,or a store with a color coded bullseye theme, the specifics aren't important as it's happened at any commercial retailer that doesn't cater specifically to the fat. Found inexpensive cotton undies, Fruit of the Loom, Hanes, store brands in every size from little,girl right out if diapers straight through to a size 8 or 9 in most brands, with a reminder that U.S. Underwear has the strangest sizes. The cuter the cut, the less likely to be above an 8, and thongs, noooooo, not if you're above a seven commercially, and a 9 jr in store brand. You want a size ten? You can have briefs, maybe high cut briefs, and if you want a pattern, you may be askin too much! But Swan, you may find yourself thinking, I know that both FotL and Hanes have plus size lines! AND YOU ARE RIGHT, you will also pay twice as much for fewer pair, and the bigger you are the harder it is to find cotton. One would think fat women aren't allowed breathable fabrics. So say I take the time to go to a fatty catering store? Are the undies cheap? No. Will I be able to find a comfy cotton thong, or boycut or cheeky shorts that won't roll or be inexplicably shapeless after one wash? No! Apparently, wanting affordable cotton undies for fat women is too much to ask, and people wonder why I get angry.

#fat #fat women #underwear #fatty undies are unfair goddammit #angry about unders #what the fuck Hanes #what the fuck fruit of the loom

[fatangryswan]

Extreme cold causes pain and hives...extreme heat causes pain and hives, headache and nausea. I live in a state that's known for being ridiculously extreme from one season to the next. My family, my life, is here. There is a level of exhaustion that comes from putting on a good face in front of others. It may be easier than. The level of exhaustion that comes from hearing you look awful....still, you look tired.....still....aren't you better yet? The number of people who don't understand what chronic means, the number of people who don't know that my 'normal' is sick. I am literally always sick. I am rarely truthful with my support structure about how I'm actually doing,,either. That's something I've been changing, but sometimes admitting how bad it is takes more spoons than I've got. I'm so fucking grateful for aquatictherapyperv, who has a way on calling me on my bullshit without making it seem like she is until a week later, for letting me vent, for being able to go 'that sucks, did you sleep?"

#spoons #spoonies #running on empty #you forget that a quarter of a drawer isn't actually a lot

[fatangryswan]

#this girl is #THE PRETTIEST FUCKING PRINCESS

[fatangryswan]

I always hate it when girls say “But I’m fat,” and then I automatically reply with “No you aren’t!” because that isn’t what I want to say.

What I want to say is a century ago you would have been a goddess.

What I want to say is you are a goddess now.

What I want to say is that society stole that word from you.

What I want to say is “So what? Fat does not mean ugly. Fat is not a bad word. You are fat. I am fat. And we are beautiful.”

What I want to say is fat and ugly are not synonymous.

What I want to say is my god, if you are fat, be fat, but fall in love with yourself all the same because you are so much more than weight and weight has never been everything.

But I always say “No you aren’t!” and they always know I’m lying.

#fat