gatherthesuspectspod

[gatherthesuspectspod]

A GTS Short

This script is the first in a series of shorts intended to flesh out some more of the world of Gather The Suspects. One day, we hope you'll get to actually hear them! But in the meantime, we hope you enjoy!

SCENE 1 - INT - JACK and KARA’s Flat

Computer games are playing in the background and we hear JACK shout the occasional thing at his game. “Ooh, shoot him, quick!”  “Aaah you lousy thing…”  “Hey, that was my health pack! Give it back” end abruptly with a click.

JACK: (shouting) Kara! The bloody electric’s gone again!

KARA: (entering) Oh, for goodness sake. I thought we were done with all of this…

JACK: I’m sooo bored!!!

KARA: Jack, it’s been off for like five seconds, seriously?

JACK: (shrugs) Genius like this takes a lot of mental stimulation!

There is a knock on the door and the door opens

GERAINT: (calling in from the hall) Just me… you guys lost power too? 

JACK: (sarcastically) Nooo, we often just sit here in the dark and try to connect with our primordial selves... You know, really get in touch with that inner caveman.

KARA: Ignore Jack, he’s in a bad mood because he can’t spend an eleventh hour straight playing video games.

JACK: (Grunts) I’m going to find my Gameboy (rummaging around in the draws)

GERAINT: The whole city’s out I think, look, no lights across the Bay at all. 

JACK: Gaah! No batteries, stupid bloo-

KARA: Jack! I’m sure you can spend one night without gaming-

JACK (interrupting) Bored!   

KARA: Oh, for god sake, you’re such a child-

JACK (interrupting) Bored!

GERAINT: Aaaaanyway, I thought that you might be, so I dug out the old wind-up radio.

JACK: Oh, good! The radio. We may as well go live in the middle ages.

KARA: Oh, stop being so ridiculous, Jack. You like listening to the radio!

JACK: Yeah, when I choose to. Now it’s forced on me it feels just like work…

KARA: (pointedly) oh, I’m surprised you know how that feels… 

GERAINT: Aah, come on, it’ll be nice. You know, like the good old, bad old days. At least this time we won’t have bombs going off every five minutes. I’ll turn on WBC, I think that phone-in show with the really horrible callers is on…

You like shouting at that one… I’ll turn it on...

[Radio crank winds up and Jingle fades in. A voiceover announces  “WBC radio - Wales’ premier music and talk radio.”]

JEREMY: Welcome back to This Evening with Jeremy on WBC radio - 64.5 FM and online. Today we’ve been discussing climate change and the upgrades to the Cardiff Bay barrage. 

With low lying parts of the coast already feeling the effects of rising sea levels, what more can we do to keep everyone safe? Give us a call and have your say...Giles Hampson from Cardiff is on the line. Giles, Good Evening.

MR HAMPSON: Good Evening, Jeremy.

JEREMY: What do you think about the proposed upgrades to the barrage Giles, do you think the plans go far enough?

MR HAMPSON: Well, Jeremy, it’s all nonsense really, isn’t it?

JEREMY: Oh, so you agree with our earlier caller, John? You think it would be better to add to the sea defences around Tremorfa, rather than spend more money on the bay right now?

MR HAMPSON: (bluntly) No, I mean that man was clearly an idiot. A typical mentality for those tree-hugging do-gooders that got us into this mess in the first place. I meant the whole (emphasising with disgust) ‘Global Warming’ thing. I mean, it’s nonsense, isn’t it? Nothing but a fairy tale for simple minds.

JEREMY: (sighs) OK, Giles. There’s a lot to unpack there. Let me make sure I’m understanding you correctly… You don’t believe in climate change but you also believe that people like John, who do, are somehow responsible for the thing you don’t believe exists? 

MR HAMPSON: Uh, no, no. You are twisting my words…that’s just like the ‘mainstream media’. 

JEREMY:  Uh, ok… I mean, I’m recording this in my bedroom thanks to budget cutbacks - we’re not exactly the old BBC... But go on…

MR HAMPSON: I mean, all we’ve heard for the past 20 years is Global warming this, the environment that. It’s just a way to scare us into being controlled. I mean there is nothing we can do about it now, is there? 

JEREMY: We just heard from the Environment minister today, on this very programme, talking about yet another coastal town that’s been abandoned thanks to rising water levels… I mean I’m still slightly confused. What do John’s - and I quote - “tree-hugging do-gooder” views have to do with all this? 

MR HAMPSON: Aah, well they are the engine of control, you see. They make us feel guilty and try to force us into doing things at tremendous cost to the economy. All to perpetuate this...this myth.

JEREMY: So you do think it’s a myth? Even you said a few moments ago it was real.

MR HAMPSON: The myth is that this ‘climate change’ can be affected by us mere humans. 

JEREMY: So now you’re saying it is real?

MR HAMPSON: No, no, no. You’re putting words in my mouth…

JEREMY: You just said, “there is nothing we can do about it now.” 

MR HAMPSON: What I’m saying, sonny, is that even if it IS real, which I highly doubt that it is -

JEREMY: Why do you doubt that it is?

MR HAMPSON: (not put off by the interruption) WHICH, I highly doubt it is. BUT, if it is then it’s likely part of some natural earthly cycle, baked in on the seventh day... so, who are we to try and stop it? All these arrogant lefties do is cause unnecessary panic. We are British after all, and we - 

JEREMY: Actually, I hate to break it to you Giles, but Britain doesn’t exist anymore.

MR HAMPSON: (sardonically) We are inhabitants of the British Isles and will deal with it in the way we always have. A quiet stoic dignity. Just like the old Blitz spirit…

JEREMY: Or the civil war in 2023... 

MR HAMPSON: I’m not sure I like your tone, Jeremy. 

JEREMY: I’m sorry Mr Hampson. It’s just you have said a lot of things already... most of which are contradictory. You don’t seem to have made your own mind up. Is it fake or is something above our control or something we can control but left it too late to act on? So, which is it, Giles?

MR HAMPSON: Well, really does it matter? Either way, me downgrading my Jaguar to some crappy little Japanese hybrid isn’t going to save anything is it? It’s costing the economy millions. In my day we didn’t have any of this PC nonsense about -

JEREMY: But, I mean some may argue that it might be a little late now that entire towns are disappearing beneath the Irish Sea, but what about before, Giles - when it was in our power to change it, did you do anything?

MR HAMPSON: What do you mean, did I DO anything? What did those little tree-hugging do-gooders do about it? They are the ones so concerned about it after all. What did THEY do, eh? 

JEREMY: (sighs) but, Giles -

MR HAMPSON: And anyway, how could I possibly have done something? Surely if it is real - and I’m not saying it is - then it’s down to the government to do something about it.

JEREMY: Aah, so now we may be getting somewhere… so, when there might have been a chance to change things, did you vote for a party that would have tackled it? 

MR HAMPSON: Well, of course not, why would I? I may as well vote for the Toothfairy party! Look you and your lot -

JEREMY: My lot? 

MR HAMSON? Yes the liberal media elite

JEREMY: Again, recording from my bedroom which also doubles as my kitchen and lounge…

MR HAMPSON: You know I’m right, Jeremy. I’m speaking for the majority here. We’re sick of people in positions of power telling us, the real people, what to do and how to act. Me driving my Jaguar around the place isn’t going to solve global warming.

JEREMY: I don’t think you repeatedly bringing up your Jaguar gives you the 'man of the people' vibe that you think it does… 

MR HAMPSON: See, looking down at the little people again, while encouraging propaganda for such rubbish.

JEREMY: What rubbish?

MR HAMPSON: Climate change, of course. The mainstream media are constantly talking about it -

JEREMY: Because towns are literally disappearing, half of the Southern Hemisphere is on fire. We are a current affairs programme, we talk about the topics that are having a real-world impact on our listeners -

MR HAMPSON: Well I’ve not seen it. Are we just supposed to take your word for it - these things could be down to a number of natural things. Why aren’t you talking about the real scandal of our times - how people like us, the rea- 

JEREMY: Sorry to interrupt you, Giles. We’ve had another caller who’d like to get in on the debate. Jack from Cardiff, I understand you have a different view to Giles?

JACK: Hi Jeremy. Yes, that’s right. Loving the show, by the way… 

MY HAMPSON: (muttering) Oh, not this cretin... Jeremy, I must protest, he’s completely ill-equipped to be discussing-

JEREMY: (ignoring this) Oh, well thank you, Jack. And what was the point you wanted to make about this discussion?

JACK: Well, I just thought that it was important to interject a bit of science into the debate.

JEREMY: Oh, you are a scientist, Jack?

MR HAMPSON: No, of course he’s not a scientist, Jeremy. The boy is an idiot.

JACK: Well, I have spent many years working on this theory. Testing and revising my hypothesis but I always come to the same conclusion.

JEREMY: Exciting, well let us know what you’ve found?

JACK: Well, after much observation, I have concluded that Giles Hampson is a massive fu-

JEREMY: Oh.. uum… thank goodness for the cough button, eh? On that note, I think we’ll leave that discussion for today. While I go outside and have a large whisky, here’s the news… When we come back, we’ll be talking about… um.. I dunno, something fun. 

[Jingle again and the news begins it slowly fades into the background as focus shifts back to our trio in the flat]

NEWS REPORTER: Tensions in France continue tonight as the civil war continues. With food in short supply and much of Northern France under control of Front National, the embattled liberal government has demanded an immediate halt to all separatist action on French soil. 

Meanwhile, closer to home, the English government have denied all reports of the mass starvation event that took place in Kent last month. A spokesman for the government told the EBC last night that the story has been a clear plant, to undermine the superb work by the UKFree party to unite the country. The denials come hot on the heels of similar denials last month when allied drones spotted large funeral pyres being built on the banks of the Medway. 

We go over to our English correspondent, Harriet Graves, for more:

NEWS REPORTER 2: Thanks, Seren. Yes, the UKFree party aren’t taking these latest revelations very well. Two inside sources told me yesterday that senior government ministers had been shot because of the leaks. 

We have reached out to the English government for comment, but do not expect a reply. Back to you in the studio. 

NEWS REPORTER: Thank you, Harriet. Finally, researchers at Cardiff University have reported finding a way to increase fertility in mice. Should they be successful, then human trials are expected to start by the winter. This is one step towards the Welsh government objective of redressing our ageing population and productivity issue. In the Senedd last week, the opposition described the plan as “crap of the highest order, even if we did manage to increase the working-age population, where exactly does the first minister propose they work?"

And that’s your news round-up for this evening, join us again tomorrow at 6am. Nos Da. 

JACK: hah, you were right! Listening to the radio can be fun! 

GERAINT: I feel like I should have put more emphasis on the ‘listening’ part. 

KARA: We’ll be paying for that one at the next residents meeting…

JACK: Meh, it was worth it. 

[power clicks back on and things start humming again]

GERAINT: Ooh, the power’s back on… do you want to keep… oh, he’s already back on the Playstation…

KARA: Come on, let’s go grab a coffee...

Sound of shooting and clicking as Jack plays his games mixes with the grim news reports. Jack shouts, "hah, take that. Try steal my kill will you! That'll teach you to mess with StabathaChristie69" 

~CREDITS~

POST CREDIT SEQUENCE

JEREMY: Welcome back to this evening with Jeremy. Well after that eventful few moments, let’s see what else is on your mind, Wales.

Next up we have Jillian from Cardiff. Jillian. What’s on your mind this evening?

MRS HAMPSON: Hello? Hello? Yes, is this the Jeremy show? 

JEREMY: That's right, you're through live on the air with Jeremy. What's on your mind? 

MRS HAMPSON: I’d like to speak to the manager, please. 

JEREMY: (sighs) Why didn’t I take that tv job. 

#audio drama #audio fiction #gather the suspects #long reads #scripts #audio comedy

[gatherthesuspectspod]

A Descriptive List of Celtic Fiction Podcasts

Reminiscent of fiction podcasts like TMA, Jack of All Trades etc... If you enjoy anything horror-comedy, general horror or narrative podcasts check these out!

note: Thank you for the reccommendations! I've added them to the list.

Scottish

Middle:Below by Tin Can Audio - A horror-comedy about a fella called Taylor, he can travel inbetween the regular world and the 'middle' realm, and seems to be the only one...until!! He has banter with a charismatic ghost man called Gill and has a pet cat named Sans(?). Good sound quality and fun times.

The McIlwraith Statements by Ghostly Thistle - A monologue narrative about Sarah McIlwraith, recounting her mysterious involvement in the famous 'IPP' study. Dark academia vibes. The narrator has an absolutely lovely voice and accent!

Caledonian Gothic - Descriptive like HFTH, storytelling but the serious tone borderlines silly. If you like I Have Seen Niagara, you might like this! States it's true crime, true stories, but also promises magic and narratives aswell.

Irish

Neighbourly by Matthew O.K Smith - A horror anthology podcast about a creepy neighbourhood and the residents within. Stunnin' narration, with really good stories. I got pretty far in and it uploads every Monday. Great stuff.

The Switchboard by Hog and Dice Productions - A 'daily radio show' horror podcast set in a LIGHTHOUSE. HELL YEAH. It's got some funky sound design and some good stories. Both this and Neighbourly have lovely Dublin accents, and nice stories as usual.

Petrified by Peter Dunne and Liam Geraghty - An award-winning horror anthology podcast with very captivating and realistic dialogue. Unsettling and uneasy feeling it gives me. Main guy Teddy from the 'Dead Air' prologue is defo northern! I want to emphasize the realistic dialogue, it's great. Haven't heard him yet, but this podcast also has CECIL BALDWIN acting in it. Give it a shot!

In Darkness Vast by Hammergrin - A sci-fi podcast with some characters with funky names like Doombuggy, Earthfrank and Nervejump. Wolf 395 vibes, Nervejump is a silly AI lady up to shenanigans. Has some fun voices and sound design. Don't know much about it but it's made in Cork!

Welsh

Seren by Robin Howell - A short sci-fi about Seren flying through the stars to terraform a new planet. Going by the trailer, it sounds great! Some Cymraeg right off the bat. Great stuff. Gives off some melancholy vibes, and has a funky spaceship AI voice.

Gather the Suspects by MadeUp Audio Productions - A groovy-opening theme mixed with a promising murder mystery. Set in Wales "during a very boring apocalypse". Promises relatable characters, procrastinators, mystery and humour.

This Foul Earth by John Tucker - A comedic, easygoing series (from what ive heard so far) in which everyday Welsh people describe a story they believe deserves to be archived for future generations. Clever writing and good vibes!

as always if youse have anything to add rb and pop it in the tags, these are all very underrated and theyre all quite good and high quality! have a good evening yall

[gatherthesuspectspod]

Well isn't this lovely 🥰🥰😊

Happy Audio Drama Valentine's Week! 💗

We'll be sharing these messages of love with you every day this week - a huge thank you to the people who submitted!

Sending love and the best vibes to: @abyssfmpod @sisterindica-blog @breathingxspace @brimstonevalleymall @chainofbeing @desperado-podcast @dininginthevoid @somewhereohio @desertskiespodcast @girlinspacepodcast @harborpodcast @human-b-gon @gatherthesuspectspod & others!

[gatherthesuspectspod]

WRITING MAN!

Writing is literally one of my favorite things int he world. Which is no surprise I’ve been doing it since I an itty bitty tiny Jade. But I’m writing Small Victories Season 2 right now and I’m just having so much fun working on it. 

I’ve never written a series before. Retribution: An Mini Series was originally a two act play. So, Small Victories is the first thing I’ve written that was meant to be a multi-series, episodic show. 

Now, as someone who is pretty verbose and really takes a lot of joy in mining the themes and all the dramatic questions, series are kind of the things for me. I’ve always liked TV more than movies. I’ve always liked book series over stand alone. I like being able to treat writing like a lake. Where the surface is calm but as you get deeper and deeper you see new and fascinating things. Things that could never exist on the surface. 

A standalone work is like a lake in the middle of a perfect suburban Florida neighborhood. It’s pretty. It can get deep. It’s enjoyable from all levels.

A series is like a natural lake. Like Loch Ness or Lake Victoria. It gets to be wide and deep. You can enjoy it from the surface but if you dive in deep you can find some pretty wicked stuff, and no matter how many times you go there will always be something you didn’t see before. I love that. 

What I really love about writing a longer project is that I get to work on those themes by creating internal harmony. Moments that reference other moments or characters that are foils for other characters. The kind of internal rush I get when the perfect detail pops up in a series. When the perfect internal reference gets put in and it’s like ~woah~. The elegance of internal harmony is what I’m really looking for. 

And the best thing of all is that because Small Victories is the first time I’ve ever done something like this, that means that I’m only gonna get better in the future. As long as I keep writing and reading and practicing and studying, I could really make something really elegant and pretty and wonderful. 

I just love it so much. 

-JMS

[gatherthesuspectspod]

#audio drama #audio fiction #gather the suspects #hercule poirot #agatha christie's poirot #agatha christie #poirot investigates #miss marple #cozy mystery #audio comedy

[gatherthesuspectspod]

Avoiding the Sophomore Slump

Writing a second series is different... and I don’t just mean in terms of story.

When I sat down to write series one of Gather The Suspects, I had zero experience of audio creation and absolutely no expectations.  

Technical Experience

There were definite advantages to this. Like, to a certain extent, having little understanding of the creative limitations of the medium meant I could write a scene and worry about how to actually record and sound design it at a later date. While this undoubtedly created problems for future Jon (and also future Luke, our amazing sound designer), I believe that certain things wouldn’t have existed in the story had I written it today and I’m not wholly convinced that the story would have been better because of it. 

That said, our arsenal of audio tricks and conceits is certainly much improved after our experiences of the past year, which has resulted in us being able to create a lot more audio led action scenes than we would have attempted in season one and a lot less reliance on Kara’s narration to explain any action scenes. For example, season one’s chase scene is interspersed with Kara telling the audience what is happening. Conversely, in our recent Halloween mini-series, the chase scene has no narration and we instead rely on the movement of action in stereo and the reliance on people’s understanding of a ‘Scooby-Doo door-chase’ to frame the scene. 

So technical and medium familiarity has both increased our creativity while also potentially limiting it at the same time. While writing season two, my aim is not to get too hung up on what I know will work. This doesn’t mean taking the exact same approach as season one and leaving it to future Jon and Luke, rather work more closely together over the writing process - if I have an idea that I think would be great but don’t know how to do it, get Luke’s involvement sooner and see if we think it will fly. 

Changing perspectives

I’m used to writing being a solitary thing and during season one I had to choice - at the time we had no cast, no sound designer. Now I can solicit opinions, run character choices by the cast if I need to. This takes a slight mindset change on my part, but will certainly help season two become even better. This process happened during season one but not until we started table reads. For example, Bethan Rees (who plays Kara) telling me after a table read that Kara doesn’t seem like someone who would say ‘dude’ all the time. A small change to the script but a bit change in terms of how I understood the character taking them forward. 

So, don’t be afraid to use your cast for feedback, not only will their performances change the way you write the characters going forward the way they view the characters can add a whole new rich dimension. 

Expectations

It seems a bit self-indulgent to say that we have expectations - we are after-all only a medium-sized show - but with any serialised media, those consuming will have expectations about what to expect - both in terms of tone, story and style. While you never want to stay still and just keep re-hashing the same series with slightly altered stories, you also don’t want to evolve too quickly or dramatically and lose what made the world click for your listeners. 

Our style has definitely evolved since series one - jokes are now a bit more rapid-fire, plots move quicker and we have seen less-reliance on ‘tell not show’ with Kara’s narration. However, part of that is down to the fact that the Halloween episodes were three episodes shorter than season one and the pace needed to be quicker to work. Going back to season one proper, it’s now about finding the balance - I don’t think we are a pure comedy, where you expect a funny line every minute and I certainly miss Kara’s more fourth wall breaking approach to delivering asides from the first season. Equally, however, these short form episodes have allowed me to develop an economy that the first season lacked. So getting a balance between the two is essential for this new series. 

But, like the technical stuff, expectation are also a good thing. I now have a much better idea of what works and what doesn’t. Having had a chance to see some parts of the new series performed live on stage last year at the London Podcast Festival, gave some instant audience feedback often can’t get in an audio medium.  

Having spent a lot of the year writing various stories set in the Suspect’s world, I have a good handle on the characters, which makes writing them a lot quicker. I don’t find myself pausing as often the think, ‘would Jack say that?’ because I know instinctively if he would or wouldn’t.  

Aaanyway, this has been a bit of a brain dump, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the process of creating while writing this series. I’ve been more aware of what is going on and going into it’s creation as it develops. Whether this awareness is a boon or a drawback, we will see. Now I’m going back to writing and hopefully this will help someone who is returning to the blank screen to start work on their second series. 

Good luck!  

Jon

#Gather The Suspects #audio drama #audio fiction #audio comedy #scriptwriting

[gatherthesuspectspod]

Production Diary: Day 1337

Well, that's another Christmas in the books - Time to get back to writing series 2 of Gather The Suspects (and actually earning some money, of course).

While Christmas wasn't exactly a productive time for writing...

While Christmas wasn't exactly a productive time for writing, I did manage to go back through my outlines for season 2 and tighten them up and rewrite some plot points I wasn't particularly happy with.

Fighting through the cheese induced coma that I have inflicted on myself over the past two weeks, I picked up the scripts again this morning to realise that I remember ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about what I had already written so far.

So, my best intentions of actually getting some more writing done today are now on hold as I have to read back through the first two episodes again to remember what happens... And, so far, it's actually quite funny! Even if I do say so myself.

I'm immensely looking forward to immersing myself back into the world of The Suspects and even more excited to get the cast back together early this year to start recording. I've been notoriously bad at keeping Tumblr up to date so, but as the writing progresses I'll drop updates and additional exclusive 'in-world' content on here, like Kara's blog (see our earlier post).

Now, where did I put the rest of that cheese...

[gatherthesuspectspod]

Our London Podcast Festival Script

Two weeks ago, Gather The Suspects were invited to perform a short live piece as part of the Audio Drama Debuts Hour. We had such a blast and while we don’t have a recording of the brand new material we performed, here is the script we performed in full: 

GATHER THE SUSPECTS: LONDON PODCAST FESTIVAL

SCENE 1: INT: JACK AND KARA’S FLAT

JACK and GERAINT are sat in JACK’S flat. They are playing a game on the PlayStation…

JACK: Get him! Get him! Aaaaah, balls. G, why didn’t you cover me!

GERAINT: I told you I’m rubbish at this game

JACK: Are you still stuck in the doorway at the spawn point… hah - you are! What a noob! Coo-ey…Geraint...

GERAINT: Hey! No friendly fire!

JACK: Ger, you know the rules, if it’s part of the game then it’s all fair…

GERAINT: You shot my guy blank in the face… I really don’t see how that’s part of the ga- oooh, I have another life left! 

JACK: You don’t get lives anymore in games, G… this isn’t the 80s

GERAINT: What about Super Mario?

JACK: Nope… you run out of lives, you just lose coins now…

GERAINT:  I dunno, society really is beyond repair! Talking of which…what about this ‘big case’ you’ve been working on...  (reacting to the game) Ha-hah! I’m out of the door! Finally! (back to Jack) I’m guessing, as you’re sat here with me getting your arse kicked at video games... likely by some random twelve-year-olds… that it’s going swimmingly!

JACK: Hey, I’m not getting my arse kicked… I’m just… never mind that. I have a day off...Who’d have thought going undercover would be so exhausting! 

GERAINT: Yeah, to be honest, the thought of you having a job is still quite amusing, even if it is just for appearance’s sake.

JACK: Hey, what’s so funny about me having a job? 

GERAINT: (laughing) Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s the… (Jack shoots him a look) 

GERAINT: (composing himself) Oh, you were serious... Oh, nothing…just didn’t really see it as your...um… ‘scene,’ that’s all... So, you reckon you can solve it?

JACK: Uh-huh… 

GERAINT: Aaand? 

JACK: Just uh-huh… nothing much to write home about yet, really. 

GERAINT: Jack, it’s a murder, surely there must be something exciting! Like what happened?

JACK: Angry boss…disgruntled employees... shot, by the looks of it… (reacting to the game) YES! Take that… right in the…(remembers what they were talking about)... oh, uuh… that’s about it really…

GERAINT:  “That’s about it?” Sounds like quite a big deal to me… so, you got any suspects?

JACK: That’s the problem right now… there is literally an entire office full of ‘em! But, it’s my day off and I am not thinking about it… just going to chill here and play some…

SOUND: PHONEVIBE.WAV

JACK: (Sighs)... hello…

KARA (on phone): Hey…

JACK: Hey Kara

KARA (on phone): Guess what?

JACK: The office has burned down and I don’t have to go back to work tomorrow?

KARA (on phone): Hah, you wish… no… Harrison just announced in the morning meeting that the police are coming in today to search everyone’s lockers… The whole sales team is freaking out! 

JACK: (excitedly) What!? The police are actually doing something? I can just imagine their panicked little faces!

KARA (on phone): Dai blew up at Harrison in the meeting and called it ‘an affront to his human rights...” Like, since when has douchebag Dai cared about anyone’s human rights when he’s been sleazing his way around the office. 

JACK: Ooooh, I’m coming in! 

KARA (on phone): You won’t be allowed… your card won’t let you into the building if you’re booked off on holiday… 

JACK: What about if I ask Harrison about coming in? Surely he’ll -

KARA (on phone): You’ll be lucky, he’s gone golfing. You’ll just have to wait for me to get home and fill you in on all the fun and games, I’m afraid.

JACK: Gaah! Just give me a call if they find anything, alright? 

KARA (on phone): Jack, it’s the police... they couldn’t find anything if it was surrounded by a big shiny arrow and neon writing declaring ‘I’m a clue’. Think you are safe on that one… It will be interesting to see how people react though. Like I said, they all seem pretty worried at the mo... Me and V are going to watch - I’ll let you know if any fireworks happen.

JACK: Thanks, K. Bye.

KARA (on phone): Tarra, bye. 

Phone beeps as JACK hangs up. 

JACK: Ger, get your coat… we are going to work……..

GERAINT: What?! Now? I was just getting the hang of this bloody thing too!

JACK: I’ll explain on the way. We are going on a stakeout!

SCENE 2: EXT: WELTEL CAR PARK

We open on JACK and GERAINT stood in the carpark of the Weltel call centre.

JACK: Oooh, how exciting, our first stakeout! 

GERAINT: While I’d like to share your enthusiastic outlook on the situation, couldn’t you at least have hired a car or something… just standing here in the open staring at the building doesn’t feel very… well, ‘discrete’, quite frankly. 

JACK: (mocking) Oh, I’m sorry ‘chief inspector’, I would have gone for the usual unmarked car with tinted windows, but the carpool budget has been rather reduced since, you know, the world fell apart. 

GERAINT: Alright, alright. I was just saying... We aren’t exactly inconspicuous stood here though, are we? Particularly when you keep looking through those opera glasses!

JACK: I was rushing and couldn’t find my binoculars…

GERAINT: Why do you even have opera glasses anyway… have you ever even been to the opera -

JACK: (interrupting) Shush! Look… (whispering) act natural… (they act very unnatural, suspiciously looking around staring at the sky and their shoes. 

GERAINT starts to whistle and turns away from the mic) what’s she doing?

GERAINT: Who is it? I can’t see because of all the acting natural….

JACK: (gives up whispering) Oh, just turn around, mun. Look, it’s Amy…

GERAINT: Jack, you seem to forget, I don’t work here… I have literally no idea who that is!

JACK: OK, so… Amy is married to Dai, who is possibly having an affair with the other Amy, who is definitely selling coke in the toilets to Hikari, who got in a fight with Harrison, who is having an affair with Julie, which was discovered by Cathy...

GERAINT: Who swallowed the fly… but, we are yet to discover why she swallowed said fly… perhaps…

JACK: Don’t be facetious… It’s Cathy who has been murdered, mun…

GERAINT: Aah

JACK: Get it now…

GERAINT: (unsure) Uuuh, not entirely… no… it sounds like being in school again!

JACK: Very much is, G. Just exchange flashing your rare pokemon cards around the playground for flashing your five-figure Rolex around the weekly stats meeting... and it’s basically the same.

GERAINT: What’s she doing, can you see? 

JACK: She’s stuffing something into the wheelie bins… 

SOUND: DOOR.WAV

JACK: Good she’s gone… let’s go see what it was…

SOUND: DOOR.WAV

GERAINT: Wait… who’s that…

JACK: That’s douchebag Dai… let’s just hang back here a bit…

GERAINT: Douchebag Dai?

JACK: Yup… his name is David and he is a douchebag… easy enough…

GERAINT: And he is the one selling coke in the toilets?

JACK: No, keep up, G… That’s Amy… the other Amy… the one that Dai is sleeping with and not the Amy he’s married to and just saw shove stuff furtively into a wheelie bin.

GERAINT: She’s isn’t the only one either… look where your Douchebag Dai’s headed… 

JACK: The bins! Quick, what’s he holding, G… can you see?

GERAINT: (sarcastically) Why don’t you take a look with your opera glasses?

JACK: Aaah too late, he’s stuffed it in there… 

SOUND: DOOR.WAV

JACK: Right, quick let’s go see what…

SOUND: DOOR.WAV

JACK: (annoyed and too loud) Aah, Jesus Christ! What now... 

GERAINT: Sssshhhhh!

JACK: Uh-oh, she’s looking around… duck.

GERAINT: Back to my earlier point… I’m not sure ‘absolutely nothing’ provides us with the best form of cover for quickly ducking out of sight...

JACK: Look, It’s not like I’m particularly experienced in hiding around spying on unsuspecting people, is it…just get over here by these flower beds… Oooh, It’s Julie! 

GERAINT: Another one heading to the wheelie bins! (innocently) Clean office, is it?

JACK: Like the Tour de France, G

SOUND: DOOR.WAV

JACK: Let’s just hang back and check no-one else wants to empty the content of their guilty conscience in the bin before we go… (wait and look around)

GERAINT: I think we’re good

JACK: Right, let’s have a look at what we’ve got… (lifting the lid) Eeeeugh it stinks… (they both peer into the bin)...look there’s some stuff right down there at the bottom… G climb in and get it - I’ll hold the lid…

GERAINT: I’m not climbing in there! This is your case, you climb in there...  

JACK: Well I can’t go in, it’ll set off my asthma…

GERAINT: Since when have you had asthma?

JACK: (coughing for effect) I don’t tell you everything about my life, you know, Ger...and, if you must know, it comes and goes… 

GERAINT: What? like, comes when you don’t want to do the dirty work yourself and goes all the rest of the time…

JACK: My doctor said I’m not to go near anything that could set it off, like dust.. Or uum…

GERAINT: Hard work? Oh, for goodness sake, just give me a boost in, OK? But you owe me! (JACK helps GERAINT into the bin) So… what have we got here… (rustles around in the small amount of rubbish covering the floor of the bin.) Some receipts for a restaurant called ‘Chez Henri’ and what looks like a stack of love letters badly wrapped up in cellotape… here you go…

JACK: (reading) “To my Darling, H. Each moment I stare at you through the glass is pure torture…” Well, that’s creepy! Anything else…

GERAINT: A lot of empty tinfoil packets… you sure you had the right Amy?

JACK: Well I didn’t say who else she was selling the stuff to...

GERAINT: There’s a folder in here too… It’s got pictures in here of Harrison and Julie… wait, there’s something else in the back part… oh my god… Jack - It’s a gun!

JACK: What?! Let’s have a - Jeeeeesus, that’s a bloody gun! 

GERAINT: I see why you have developed such a good reputation for your detective skills… What are we going to do with it? 

JACK: Look don’t touch it - I’ll…

POLICEMAN: Hey!

JACK: Oh bloody hell, it’s the fuzz… hide (Jack slams the lid shut and runs)

GERAINT: (whispering angrily) Jack! What? Let me out of here! I swear to god I’m going to…

The POLICEMAN walks over and lifts the lid

GERAINT: (flustered) Uh, hi? 

POLICEMAN: Hello, sir… may I enquire as to why you are sat inside a wheelie bin holding a gun?  

GERAINT: I...Uh… oh bloody hell

---End---

#Gather The Suspects #audio drama #audio fiction #podcast #podcasts #comedy #audio comedy #cozy mystery

[gatherthesuspectspod]

A hundred ways to die in Wales

Hello Tumblr!

My first post ever here! I’m still learning the ropes, so please be kind!

This might be awfully presumptuous of me, but you may recognise the name from a few years back. Before all of this happened, I worked for BBC Radio 4 as their Welsh correspondent - a bit niche, I grant you, but I did alright on social media. I even had a blue tick on Twitter before it went down for good. 

At its peak, whatever media you worked in, scoops were delivered on social media. No one went to the radio or the newspapers for breaking news. Hell, even the TV news was struggling.  So, even radio journalists like me had to be twitter savvy, you know? 

It does make me wonder how Tumblr survived. As a journalist (well, former journalist) I should probably have done some research and found out…  

 My housemate, Jack, suggested I start to keep this blog so that he, in his exact words, ‘wouldn’t have to listen to me moan about not being a journalist anymore.’ So, here I am, coming to scream into the void that is the last social media platform standing (apart from LinkedIn… Shoulda known that even during the apocalypse, start-up CEO Chad Moneybags would still need to post motivational bullshit about 5 am starts and tagging every post with ‘#crushingit’)

Anyway, I’ve strayed slightly from the point… So, this blog isn't going to be full of hard-hitting investigative journalism or even those colourful local news stories you used to see about water skiing hamsters. It’s just going to be me, posting my thoughts about how much more screwed the world is than the previous week. 

Cheerful stuff, right? Well, as REM sang, ‘it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine’. And you know what, while fine might be stretching a bit, it could be worse...

Before it happened, when people thought about the end of the world, we always pictured some huge catastrophe. ‘The Hollywood Apocalypse,’ Jack calls it. You know the kind - people screaming in the streets as some unspeakable horror unfolds about them. 

In movies, the end of the world was always sudden, over in a flash,  with pockets of humanity left to pick up the pieces of a shattered world. Except, that’s not how it happened, not that we should be surprised, life rarely imitates the movies. 

In fact, it happened so slowly and contained so many individual strands that by the time it arrived, it took us even more by surprise - even the right-wing newspapers didn’t have time to come up with some ‘pithy’ name for it. I’ve always liked the term ‘tipping point,’ The point at which every one of those strands, however linked or disparate, tipped the scales so far against humanity, there was no turning back. 

I mean, we shouldn’t have been surprised. We had been warned, after all. For years (no, decades, even) scientists talked about how we were destroying the earth. From the changing climate to the destruction of entire ecosystems, all in the name of capitalism. 

People warned us it would lead to societal collapse. It wasn’t hard to see it coming, if you were paying attention. But, even if you were paying attention, the sheer magnitude of it was enough to cause even the strongest advocates some blind spots caused by existential terror. Like a Lovecraftian monster rising from the depths of the ocean, who could wrap their head around the true horror.  

Instead, we played out our little culture wars as the planet died… we elected people to distract and not solve… we lied and allowed ourselves to be lied to. Until, in the end, there were so many that no longer cared about the truth that finding a solution was never a possibility.   

The rise of ignorance led to the rise of populism, which led to the rise of fascism, and eventually isolationism. Each country, widowed and trapped in its own poky bachelor apartment of despair. With nothing but memories of past glories to keep it going while the world around slowly burns.

The thing about this kind of creeping apocalypse, this tipping point, is that there is a certain mundanity in it all. There are millions dead, but there was no Hollywood pre-credit sequence of terrified crowds running through Manhattan. 

This apocalypse had an absence of symbols - actually, no. That’s not quite right. I mean, we don’t have the statue of liberty drowning in sand while hyper-intelligent apes roam the planet, sure. But last week, the sea caught on fire… the fucking sea! You’d think after completely decimating the planet for a hundred years, some companies may have learned a lesson or two - like not setting dire to the fucking sea again!

And just today, the newspapers are full of pictures of yet another ghost town in West Wales slowly sinking into the sea. We have our symbols, alright. They are just smaller, more mundane than the Hollywood apocalypse we always felt we deserved - as a species, we are so arrogant that we feel even our extinction deserves something special, something showy. But, like I said, if you are paying attention, there are symbols to be found everywhere. 

Is our slow, boring apocalypse better than the ostentatious apocalypses of Tinseltown, complete with their big budget explosions and alien invasions? I’m honestly not sure. 

One part of me used to think that at least then it would be over quickly. This was a particularly comforting thought during the war, as English shells rained down on Cardiff. But, even the war fizzled slowly, bubbling away around the fringes, with neither country having the resources, will or money to mount any serious threat to the other. It turned out that not even the newly installed Albion dictatorship in England could get away with a costly hot war, while millions of its citizens starved to death. 

It sounds weird to say, but slowly you adjust to it. You know? Slowly, bit-by-bit, the fucking sea being on fire doesn’t seem such a big deal as it did a year ago. Slowly, bit-by-bit, you stop watching the news. You realise the images of starving children 50 miles away over the border have become the norm. 

You become desensitised to the food queues, the extreme swings in weather, the rapidly shrinking coastline. When was the last time you even saw a bee? It’s all just normal. But in spite of all of that, we still sit here, night after night, staring at our tiny plastic phones, reading the latest #crushingit update from that douchebag Chad, half hoping that there is still time for the aliens to show up and finish the job…

I realise that was quite a long run-on sentence, but it’s been a while. I’m out of practice. Like I said, it’s been three years since I last wrote, well, anything! I don’t know if anyone will even read this… I mean how many people can even access Tumblr anymore? But, Jack was right, it did help to get some stuff out.

Until next time (possibly), stay bored out there!

Kara

#crushingit #bored #apocalypse #audio drama #audio fiction #Gather The Suspects