hannabeech

[hannabeech]

It started with a bottle

stolen from my parents

that I topped off with water

to ensure they would never notice

how much I took

Until they did notice

and grounded me for two weeks

But that didn’t stop me.

All the nights

being picked up by men I didn’t know

to buy alcohol I didn’t like

so I could get drunk

and do things I now regret doing

just to wake up in the morning

with a throbbing head

and bruises I didn’t recall getting

questioning, Was it really rape

albeit I didn’t say no

simply because I didn’t want to be rude?

As I lie there,

stripped of my clothes and innocence.

So it continued,

screwdrivers, blackouts, unwanted sex;

what I convinced myself was fun,

And it was good.

After that it was a pretty purple bowl

packed with green that wasn’t a drug

because it’s a plant.

An inhale that made me cough

till I was convinced I’d never breath again

followed by giggles

because this was before,

when bud wasn’t laced with that fatal shit

so you could smoke without fear of dying,

And it was good.

After that it was a thin white line

placed on a small mirror before me.

So with hesitation and a short blue straw,

the fine powder went up my nose.

With severe burning, watery eyes,

and a nauseating drip,

my face became as numb as my soul.

I smiled, satisfied with the effects

and intent of doing more,

And it was good.

After that is was tiny crystal-like rocks

and a strange bowl I needed help using.

An inhale with a distinct taste,

an exhale with a distinct smell.

A feeling of inferiority and sense of power;

Cocaines upgrade- crack.

And it was good.

After that it was a needle in my vein,

something I once swore to never do

but things change.

So with a tourniquet on my arm

and a deep breath,

a new drug was injected into me.

Fire burned beneath my skin

as Dragons Breath escaped my lips.

Meth was my drug,

And it was good.

After that, a new powder

was presented to me.

And I was scared,

but not a pussy.

So a new drug went up my nose.

This one unlike the others.

I was spiraling down,

and hit rock bottom.

Heroin helped me to see

what I had made of myself,

And it wasn’t good.

So with self hate, guilt, and shame,

I packed my bags,

said a silent prayer to whoever’s listening for hope, courage, and mercy,

and I went to rehab.

After that, it was

120 days of treatment

120 days of meetings

120 days of change

120 days of hope

120 days of healing

120 days of love

and 120 days of sobriety.

And it was good

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[hannabeech]

Take me back to innocence,

when I’d go to school ready to learn

and raise my hand high and proud

when asked what 12+6 equals.

Picking dandelions for my adored teacher

after sliding down slides

and jumping off swings

for what I didn’t know

would soon be the last time.

Running up the driveway

after getting off bus #8

to show mom the A+ I got

on my presentation about rabbits.

Having a snack before homework

that, looking back on now,

was too easy.

Barefoot in the backyard,

catching moths as the sun began to set.

Reading Ooey Gooey Pirate Delight

more times than I can remember,

getting tucked in bed

with my favorite stuffed animal, Lassie,

who I still can’t recall discarding

once I became too old for such a thing,

and only being slightly afraid

of the monsters under my bed.

And of course, goodnight kisses;

always followed with-

“I love you more than life”.

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[hannabeech]

Waking up to my little love

sprawled across my bed

one butt cheek

hanging out of big girl underwear

and beautiful blonde hair in knots

I’ll soon have to untangle.

When she awakes from a deep sleep

and sees me,

producing a contagious smile

that can take on the world for both of us.

Sleepy snuggles

and good morning giggles to start the day.

A mismatched outfit only she can pull off.

A breakfast of eggs

she insists on cracking herself

with utmost confidence.

Afternoons spent on the trampoline

With a sprinkler underneath, cooling us

as we practice gymnastics and cheers.

A game of hide and seek

then arts and crafts,

followed by my favorite dessert-

Playdoh cookies.

Evenings of picking dandelions

that weren’t weeds,

but beautiful bouquets

and walks to the park

where she no longer fears falling off monkey bars, until she does,

and I have to carry my crying girl

all the way home.

Nights consisting of Octonauts

and a mutual love for Tunip.

A million goodnight kisses

and holding my sleeping baby in my arms

as I, too, drift off to sleep.

This is enough for me.

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