havntednlost

[havntednlost]

i!!! hate!!!! my!!! parents!!!!!!!!

[havntednlost]

Posters.

The following post contains one my traumas.

mum: *is pissed off because my parents broke something*

me: *reading in my room*

mum: *comes into my room screaming and saying bad things about me*

mum: *rips off the posters of my favourite bands and singers from the wall and destroys them in front of my eyes, gives them to me and makes me throw them away in the trash.

I know you're shocked, same.

#my parents are crazy #my mother is satan #i hate my family #strict parents #fuck my family

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Friends.

As I already said. In my life I had only 7 friends. Of these ones now I just talk to 3 of them (Simona, Andreea, Gabriella - not as much as the first two ones) + my cousin (Lucia, so you know who I am talking about). I love them all anyway.

Since I was in middle school, I never did what any other teenager did: I couldn't wear makeup of nail polish. I couldn't go out alone. I couldn't move from the town I lived in to go out and had to be at home earlier than others.

friends: *go to Rome and stay out until 1am*

me: *has to go out (if it happens) in Tivoli and come back at 10 pm.

My first time going out was when I was 15. With my cousin. At a commercial center. From 6pm to 9pm but dad always came to pick me up at 8pm.

Things got better when dad allowed me to be at home later. 10 pm. But: he hated when my friends were late. Consequently:

me: *waiting in the car with my dad for my friends to come because he doesn't let me go until he knows I'm not alone*

friends: *are late of 10/15 minutes*

dad: *starts being angry with me*

And this happened all the times.

My dad couldn't let me go, he was too possessive. Overprotective. It was too much for my anxiety.

Now, I grew up without friends. When I find them, my parents don't allow me to go out with them because they don't agree with me being picked up my friends. They don't agree with me staying out late. They don't agree with me staying too far from the house. They don't agree with fucking anything.

So after all the uncomfortable situations that happened to me my dad understood that he can't keep me in a fucking cage so he allowed me to move further from out town and stay out late until 12am.

At the new school I had the chance to make new friends but:

People here suck.

When they invited me out my dad suddenly came back to not allowing me to do what he said.

dad: *allows me to do what others do*

also dad when i ask him to: NO. STAY IN OUR TOWN. HERE AT HOME AT 10PM. I'LL DRIVE YOU AND PICK YOU UP TO WHERE YOU HAVE TO GO. IN OUR TOWN.

Basically: I have no friends and don't go out because my parents are idiots.

#i have no friends #i have no social life #anxiety #depression #loneliness #i'm lonely #my parents suck

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The main problem: my mother.

Her and my social life.

She's my fucking hell. Since I was born. She never allowed me to do anything along with my father (that was waaaaaay more possessive and jealous when I was a child while now with my little sister he's all like "do whatever you want it's fine").

She never respected my privacy. My spaces. My decisions. My opinions. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I wasn't allowed to speak when she decided something. I wasn't allowed to choose my friends. I wasn't allowed to speak to some people I defined friends because they weren't okay for her. She'd always decided who I had to talk to and how I had to behave. She always shushed me when I wanted to say something that she thought could've been against her decision. I grew up with her ideas, with her ways of talking and acting. She was manipulating me, creating a copy of her. She wanted to see her in me. (You failed. Ops?🤭) And I was always alone. I never had friends. The only friends I could make were people with disabilities. Because others couldn't stand me. Others hated me or made fun of me. Since I was 6 (elementary school) to being 10 I only talked to people who had difficulties at school or were handicapped. I felt like they didn't judge me. And I felt like they were okay with me being their friend.

What does not having friends has to do with my mother?

Well easy: my social life was in her hands. And that's why I never had anyone by my side. Because no one was okay for her. Only one or maybe two people. And I never complained about it. Because she made me grow up like that. I had to shut up and just do what she said. In my childhood I remember disobeying just a couple of times to my mother. Consequences? Being hit. She slapped me in the face so hard she made me cry. Once she slapped me in front of my classmates in that way. My teacher told her it wasn't necessary and mum just used a polite way to say "fuck you I am her mother and I decide how she has to grow up". My teacher had to shut up while he was caressing me and making me calm down. In that moment I forgot I was in class. I must remember being in my teacher's arms and feeling safe, far from my mum's hands. I was 8 if I'm not wrong.

So, elementary school ended. Middle school started. First year. Me, still with the mentality of a child. Naive. Too innocent and silly to understand the world I was going to face. Middle school was the worst period of my life. I've been bullied all the three years.

First year: Afraid. Always defensive. But willing to be a perfect student just as I was at the previous school. It was just me and other four girls (way smarter than me because they didn't live like they were perfect dolls to keep in a house-cage) and then 15 boys. One of them had a crush on me. I rejected him. I got no will to talk about that embarrassing story. After that also this boy + all the girls made fun of me and bullied me and called me names like: horse, camel, annoying, stupid and stuff like that. I was absolutely not used to being talked to like that, consequently it was one of the first traumas I've experienced in first person, without having my mother "by my side" "to dEfENd me". First year ends and I made no friends.

My parents decide to move to another city. Caserta. Close to Naples. I spent two years there. It was a fucking hell. People there were like... the plastics of mean girls. We were 10 girls and 13 boys. Way better, I thought. Ugh, I was wrong. Boys were terrible, worse than the ones at the other school and girls? Damn, they were all Regina George. It was when my depression symptoms started, along with anxiety. They talked at my back, saying bad stuff about me. How I found out? My mother was going through my chats (without me knowing, of course) and she called me to tell me. I read the group chat. They started saying "Is Maria in this group? No? Are you sure? Yes". So after establishing that I wasn't there they started saying things like: Oh luckily she isn't. She's so annoying. Why the fuck did she came to our school? Couldn't she stay at her old one? She's so ugly and stupid. No one can stand her. No one wants her. And she thinks we're her friends! 😂😂😂 She thinks she's better than us! (totally untrue) She's no one. etc...

Now imagine me crying while reading everything because I didn't expect it.

My mother: Didn't you expect all of this? It was obvious.

Well sorry if I was too stupid because I grew up thinking people were good and I would've faced a world full of roses and love.

I just told her I didn't. Your fault, darling.

Day after. My mother goes to school and talks to my teacher about it. My teacher defends me and helps me with that and the thing is solved. But my classmates just hate me more and more. And they just keep bullying me but more subtly so that no one notices. But I was a bit smarter because I had my cousin (I will dedicate another post to this special person ❤️) that was helping me to go through all the shit and giving me advice.

Middle school ends.

I am not homophobic anymore (like my parents taught me to be). I start having doubts about my sexuality but ignore them. My depression gets worse and worse.

My mother gets worse and worse. Starting to prefer my two brothers and little sister over me for everything. I was needed just to clean the house and to be yelled at for wearing always black, being unsocial, always staying on my own in the dark, always with my phone, always listening to music, always being sad or angry, never smiling, staying up after 10pm for watching TV series or reading, not studying much etc...

(Want a hint my dear mother? I was/am depressed.)

In this period I start having suicidal thoughts. Still because of my parents. My cousin supporting me and telling me is silly and that there are other options.

We move back to Naples.

I am now 14.

Highschool starts. First year is shit because I get bullied again but I start making friends. A group of 7 people (me included). My mother says they're okay. Fucking finally.

Alessia, Gabriella, Chiara, Simona, Sara, Andreea (romanian). Fucking amazing friends. Disgustingly amazing.

My grades are low. My parents keep hating on me and yelling at me for that. But my friends support me.

In the meanwhile I get to know a girl on the Internet. We become close friends and that develops in feelings. We start a relationship. Let's be clear. It wasn't. It was just based on the fact that we had the same problems and she gave me a lot of affection, and I thought it was love.

One day my mother takes my phone, again, without me knowing, and reads all of my chats.

She finds out about this girl. I was terrified and so I confess. My first coming out. She says nothing. She goes to my dad and tells him. My dad yells "Go away! Go away from my sight!" and I go to the kitchen terrified. Crying and sobbing. We sit. Me, my mother and my dad. They start talking to me. A sum up:

I don't remember how my mother started talking. I removed it because it was traumatic, all I remember is her saying shit about that poor girl.

I say "Mum, what's wrong with gays? They're just like us"

Mum slaps me. Hard as fuck. I was shook. Scared. Hurt. Confused.

After that they start talking about how wrong is being gay, that God doesn't accept it, that it's not natural, that it's just a phase, that only animals have gay sex and that's why we humans are different from animals that must follow their instincts. They keep repeating the same things in different ways for 3 hours. I am not kidding. 3 hours. From 3pm to 6:30pm only talking about this. (Want to know what I've done all this time? I just nodded. I kept on nodding because I was afraid to talk.)

Mum deletes and blocks every number and friends from Internet and takes my SIM card and puts it in her phone so she can check all my chats from her phone. She throws my phone away breaking it.

Nighttime: No sleep. Everytime I fell asleep I had nightmares so I woke up. Sobbing. Crying. I can't fucking breathe. A fucking hell.

Morning: I wake up totally empty and with a dead face. My parents are in the kitchen. They warmly say "good morning" and ask me to sit. I sit on the couch. They ask me "how are you". My answer: HOW AM I?? HOW AM I YOU FUCKER?????!!!!! YOU'RE REALLY ASKING ME HOW ARE YOU WITH THIS NONCHALANCE???? FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. My actual answer:.... i'm tired.

I don't remember anything else after that. Trauma I guess.

I am not a psychologist but I'm pretty sure I'm fucked up.

So after this happens I tell everything to my cousin. She doesn't believe that. She actually doesn't. She was too shocked to believe it. Haha, same sis. I don't either.

So, it takes a while for her to process everything and that's when our friendship starts for real. (We were good friends since I was 12. We grew up together, but there has never been an actual friendship because of how I was as a child. A pretty horrible child.) She starts helping me with my mother and all the stuff. We start getting closer and closer as time goes by and as my mother keeps being a bitch.

Second year of highschool.

My fucking favourite. It was such a good time. My grades weren't the best, my depression was fucking me up more than ever, my anxiety was kicking me out, but.. I had my friends. With a new entry. Simona. Yeah another one. Alessia changes school. So it's still 7 of us.

I swear if it wasn't for my friends that year and my cousin. I would've killed myself. Going back home from school everyday was basically going back to hell every fucking day.

dude: go to hell

me: awww where do you think i came from honey?

Then... that summer comes. Summer 2018.

I argue with my friends because of my parents, giving them the fault of everything. I keep them away from me. My mother gets even worse. She's against me like I am her enemy. She yells at me for everything. Every single thing.

me: *wakes up*

mother: WHY DID YOU WAKE UP GO BACK TO SLEEP AND SLEEP PROPERLY LIKE A LADY YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

She separates me from my cousin because she talked back at her (after she said bad things about my cousin's mother at her face) and here, another trauma. She calls me whore, liar, bitch because I didn't defend her like my cousin did with her mother (sorry but i hate you bitch). She says it's all my fault because I told my cousin everything about the bad things she did to me. That day goes away and my mother calms down and says it's not my fault but my cousin's because she's a bitch. I have no chance to talk to her for a month then we finally meet when my mother isn't at home. Since then we talk without no one of my family knowing. (It will be 3 years this summer, she never knew we do. How stupid can she be thinking I wouldn't talk to my favourite person ever because she said so).

September comes. Back to school. Third year. No friends. Low grades. No will to study. No will to live. But my cousin has my back. She keeps me alive, in fact I tried to kill myself multiple times. I failed. (Now I'm happy I didn't.) I pass that year. Not after another trauma. I seek for help at school. My teacher tells my mother about it and tells her that I am bisexual, atheist and I'm not okay in my family.

Thanks for ruining me, teacher. I expressively told her not to talk about it with my mother buuuut okay.

Quick sum up: I come back from school, my mother is crying. She starts saying things like "You don't want me as a mother? You don't like me? You hate me?" and I said no (not knowing that she knew what I said at school). Then the evening she walks to me and sits near me.

"Tell me the truth"

I was obviously confused. So she confesses what she knows. I was expecting the worst. It ended up with me talking to my uncles because my mother was "tOo hUrt" to talk to me.

"It's just a phase." "I hated my parents too." "You're too young to say these things." "You can't say you're bisexual if you never experienced anything."

It ended up with me faking a hug and "I'm sorry mum, I exaggerated." (obviously it was just to make everything stop).

bonus

me: *wants help to fight a difficult situation*

mum: *gets to know about it* YOU HURT ME YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH.

also mum: *reproaches it to my face everytime she's mad at me*

Fourth year starts. This is my year. This year. 2019/2020. It started perfectly. Good grades, my friends are back.

We move again. Tivoli (Rome). I am fucking happy with that. Expect for the fact that I can't meet my cousin anymore. But of course we can chat. Secretly on Telegram. Because my mother doesn't know what it is. Also, she stopped checking my phone, finally.

So, now. I'm 17, fourth year of highschool. Here I have no friends because they all suck. I miss my friends from Naples. And I wish I was free from my parents.

Some parts are not detailed. This because I will dedicate to them other posts otherwise this one would've been waaaaaay longer. And it's already too long.

No one will read these long posts but in case you're doing it, thank you ❤.

#my mother is satan #i hate my mother #my parents are crazy #fuck my parents #fuck my family #depression #anxiety #no social life #i have no social life #i have no friends #it's all my mothers fault

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from yesterday pt. 2

mum: *is pissed off because my of my brother*

mum: *starts screaming against anyone she sees for silly, very very silly reasons*

mum: *sees me*

mum: YOU'RE ALWAYS ON YOUR PHONE, YOU NEVER HELP ME, I'M BREAKING MY BACK TO TAKE MONEY HOME AND YOU REFUSE TO COLLABORATE, YOU ALWAYS COMPLAIN AND NEVER HELP ME. *remembers of her bed stained with my blood* AND PLUS YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE HABIT TO STAY IN MY ROOM. IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE THIS HABIT TO GO THERE (bc internet doesn't work in my room - I have only mobile data) MY BED WOULDN'T BE STAINED WITH YOUR DISGUSTING BLOOD.

me:...

mum: *continues yelling and then goes out of the room slamming the door while she keeps yelling and saying that I am useless*

#my mother is satan #i hate my parents #fuck you dad #fuck you mother #fuck my family

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The thing is:

Dad had always been my go-to person (despite his narrow-minded way of thinking he's always a step forward from mum) because he'd always been affective and supportive and used to keep every single promise he'd done, he was the one i'd go to to debate about something without being afraid of what I could've said and expressing my opinions freely (but always keeping certain boundaries with what I could and couldn't say, example: I didn't and still don't talk about the fact that I think girls can have sex before marriage and wear whatever the fuck they want and go out with who they want wherever they want etc). Now he's like... you know, the boy in a relationship that lets you down and disappoints you, takes everything for granted, thinks I'm always his and forever will be. WRONG! I'm not your princess, I'm not you baby anymore. I used to think I was. But after all of this? After all the pain you caused me? Fucking forget it.

Yesterday, after we argued, ha tried to fix it all with kindness and cute words. Guess what? I didn't play his game. He hugged me after dinner (we were eating when we argued). Guess what? I didn't hug back. He asked me to and I wrapped my arms around him just because he asked it. "C'mon, sweetheart, hug me". And I just did. No feelings involved. I did it because I had to. And then he leaves me after my cold "You're breaking my neck, dad" (I was in an uncomfortable position). I think he chuckled. Not sure though.

So after he's gone I clean the table from food and all the stuff and then go get a shower. I go to bed and wait for my sister (she sleeps in my same bed, we have a big one) to fall asleep and put on my earbuds.

I was perfectly okay. Perfectly fine. Until I started listening to music. Songs that reminded me of those little cute moments that despite all the shit he had in his mind my dad had gave to me. And I started crying. But tears wouldn't come out because I... I can't cry anymore. Like I'm so hurt that I'm fine. What a paradox huh? How bitter.

I fell asleep at 2am. A record, since the fact that I usually fall asleep at 3:30 am/4am when I go through these kind of nights.

So I could say me and dad.. broke up. Haha. Yeah I felt like he was my first boyfriend.

He'd never been.

#men are trash #also my dad #fuck you dad

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from yesterday:

dad: *had previously apologized for being a dick and promised me not to yell at me for no reason and be kinder and more affective*

dad, yesterday: *yells at me for no reason*

[havntednlost]

Hello, this is me

I am a simple bisexual 17 (almost 18) year old girl who's a proud feminist with a one single target in life: be independent (socially, economically). I have a high preference for girls because men are trash. I have terrible, christian, homophobic, traditionalist, conservative, racist, oppressive parents that fucked up my life. In fact I have no friends, I go out once every century (or less) and I have several traumas caused by them, which is something they don't know, because otherwise it would mean we're not a perfect family (and that I am crazy and overreacting and ungrateful and disrespectful and heartless because “We've done so much for you and this is how you thank us?”), which consequently means it's a sin to correct immediately so that we can appear again as a perfect family in the Hitler style. Of course, they don't know I am bisexual, even though they found out multiple times by violating my privacy and then shut everything up covering each proof with my tears and "It's just a phase" (funny how this phase goes on since I was 12 🤔🤭) — let's not forget that by trying to seek for help at school I ruined the perfect appearance of the family, hurting my mum's feelings (she's the main problem between the two parents) because I told my teachers about how she mistreats me and.. when she slapped me because I said “Mum, what's wrong with gays? They're just like us.” (I was 14 :D) — and after solving that uncomfortable situation it was like nothing happened (little does she know my classmates know everything and are continuing to keep everything secret 🤭🤭🤭). Also, they don't know I am atheist, because that would mean I am a sinner and I'll go to hell. (Also gays are sinners, well my darlings guess we're all going to hell ✌️🌈).

Shotout to my cousin which is also my best friend, I would've killed myself if it wasn't for her.

I haven't been diagnosed by a psychologist (because I can't go.. because my parents don't know about my mental illnesses that they caused) but I have all the symptoms of depression and anxiety since I was 12. I am still going through it but I am definitely better, not good, but better.

My name is Maria, I am from Italy, Naples but I currently live in Tivoli, a town near Rome.

My dream is to be free, to travel around the world and spread love and kindness, to give people everything my parents didn't give to me.

All the love, M.

#strictparents #homophobicparents #conservativeparents #depression #anxiety #i have no friends #i hate this life #i hate my family