insanelylala23-blog

[insanelylala23-blog]

I love so many things about these books and movies. I love the fight, the rebellion, and this… the love.

#the hunger games #i need you #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #katniss and peeta #remember who the real enemy is #the mockingjay

[insanelylala23-blog]

I’m totally crushing on my guardian 😍

🥺

👉🏻👈🏻

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #my tav

[insanelylala23-blog]

I desire to have the quick, cleverness, and charisma to be a bard xD

#dungeon and dragons #dnd #bards #charisma

[insanelylala23-blog]

I just finished the Pretty Little Liars Original Sin. I really enjoyed it. Suspenseful. Horror. Woke. I enjoyed it.

#pretty little liars original sin #suspense #horror #woke

[insanelylala23-blog]

Vibin… “Crazy” - Adona & Seibold

#crazy #vibing

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Pretty Little Liars: The Perfectionists… I finally watched it. I’m sad it was canceled after one season. I really liked it actually. I like the different psychological spin they were taking it. Would have seen interesting to see more of that idea!

#psychological thriller #pretty little liars #pretty little liars the perfectionists

[insanelylala23-blog]

[insanelylala23-blog]

I’m doing a little better now. I know I’ll be fine. Dating in your 30s is so discouraging especially as a widow. Like I know what I want, I’ve experienced real healthy authentic love before because I’ve been successfully married. It only ended because he died. So I come with the full package and understanding and when I meet someone and click really well and have a lot in common and want to take our time. It’s all great. And then all of a sudden it’s not. Oh they like me, but after one month they’re not in love yet. Ummm it’s only been a month!!?? That’s not enough time for a real love to just happen. We haven’t scratched the surface. But that’s the reason you give up? After a month? That’s not real love. Real love takes taking your walls down, talk on a deeper level, truly open up about emotions and feelings. A month is not enough time to truly connect for there to be love! Stop chasing a spark that you’ll never get. Or when you do get it, you think you’re in love but the relationship always fails! Stop repeating your bad dating habits onto people who are looking for the real thing. It’s so discouraging to date knowing that there are people out there doing that and not doing the inner work it takes to not hurt people. I’m always working to better myself even after everything I’ve been thru. I’m tired of encountering people who need inner work and refuse to work on it. They don’t have the capacity to date authentically and with purpose. They’re lying to themselves and hurting others in the process. Quit looking for validation and start loving yourself!

I can say proudly that I’m ok being alone. I was super depressed after my last dating attempt but I don’t have the anxiety I used to about being alone. I don’t feel the need to chase or date. Will I date? Eventually. Because of the last guy to hurt me, I know I’m not emotionally available to open up to someone new. I not gonna try to date and waste their time when I know I can’t be emotionally available. I date with a purpose. I’ll eventually try again. But I’ve reached a point where I’m okay if I’m alone.

[insanelylala23-blog]

It’s been a while. What’s new with me? Oh nothing… life is still hard and I’m hanging on by a thread mentally.

I read my last post and apparently I had hope in it. That was over a year or more ago. I was filled with positivity and hope 2 weeks ago but that got ripped away too.

After the disaster dating experience I was stupidly hopeful about last year I stayed single for a while. Finally got the courage to try again and met a wonderful amazing guy, let’s call him L. He made me feel valued and loved. And it was going beautifully for a month. Then all of a sudden he broke it off. Said I deserved more than he could give. 💔 It broke me again. I’ve been very depressed lately. Been keeping to myself again. Feel like I’ve lost the ability to even socialize with people. I don’t have a lot to say to anyone. I have things I want to tell someone but mostly I’m withdrawing from everyone and everything again.

I feel very alone and disconnected from everyone. But I don’t have many friends in my life anymore; not many that I can see and spend time with. Regardless of the kind of relationship I have with someone whether it’s friend or more, my love language is quality time and physical touch. I miss having cuddly friends. When I met L, he was everything I wanted in a friend and lover. We shared the same love languages. And when you’ve been alone for a while like I have and your love language is physical touch and quality time, having that in your life can recharge your soul. And I felt alive again.

So now I feel alone and dead again. Soul feels diminished. And I’m afraid to try again. I know I come with a set of complicated baggage. But so does everyone else. And I’m starting to think the guys are all emotionally unavailable and are afraid of something real. And I’m starting to think I’m becoming emotionally unavailable too after everything I keep experiencing 😶‍🌫️

[insanelylala23-blog]

I haven’t touched this in years. No one who knows me knows I have this. A lot has changed in the last few years. The friends I’ve had are gone. I left my job of 13 years. My house burned down. And my husband died. 💔👀 and somehow I’m still standing… barely. I’ve gotten more into video games. Fallen off from motorcycling a bit. I keep to myself a lot. I have two friends who are married to each other that are the o my true friends who put effort into our friendship. I’m “dating” someone. Unfortunately I’m starting to fall head over heels for the guy and we haven’t progressed very much as far as a relationship. Taking it slow for several reasons. I have a new job where I have too much down time but hopefully it can pay the bills. I wanted kids throughout my 20s then hit 30 and thought I just didn’t want to but really I was surrounded by the wrong influences on that. I’m 34 and want kids. Not right away but eventually. Since I’ve had to start my life over it’ll be a little more difficult to do that I think but whatever happens happens. I say that as if I’m nonchalant but really I’m falling for this wonderful guy who’s been making me think about family a lot. Realizing I don’t want to miss out on that. Hopefully it’ll be with him, but I’m not that lucky. My track record proves it.

#widow #starting over #dating #family #life #no luck #having kids

[insanelylala23-blog]

[insanelylala23-blog]

[insanelylala23-blog]

You underestimate my powers.

[insanelylala23-blog]

Something I should consider going back to...

[insanelylala23-blog]

[insanelylala23-blog]

Nick & Jess + season premieres

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Nolan Arenado charges the  mound after Luis Perdomo throws behind him - April 11, 2018