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jdlopes777-blog · 4 months

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COULD THIS BE MY TIME ?

Today at this very moment , I find myself in a place I had for quite some time wandered off from ,

I realize as I say this I made once again the mistake to to think I was out of the woods and okay ,

I took my foot off the throttle , this throttle is the momentum I had built up to keep journeying on a better path , to greatness with a purpose

Back in July 2nd I didn’t see it coming and the strife begins once you take your eyes off the ONE ,

I took my eyes off HIM , the July 3rd came hard on me and my injuries became a distraction and a falling away ,

I healed , and it took July , August , September , October , November , & it started to take over again , the old things I thought I was free from ,

They come back and take over again . I begin to realize maybe this was my own strength, my own efforts to say that I was free frond the no date of this problem.

I turned 39 in December 12th , I had a bad day and went on not wanting to let anyone know when my birthday is.

I was very bitter that my boss , of tue establishment i serve did not acknowledge it , I was bitter that I see and know that I was the one getting the rough end of the stick.

I should have instead ask Jesus , to make a way instead of allowing my self to be poisoned by the bitterness within me to know and realize that the amount of work was not matching the compensation .

This I failed to realize that these are battles of the Lord , Jesus Christ. I subconsciously took these battles on my own.

So here I am now at the end of the tunnel. I lay in bed sick from my own problems , after all the chaos built up from being financially wrecked and not having nothing to show for it ,

I am a man who can’t provide for his own family , and struggling at 39 , I had 17 years of wasted time , but I come to realize this is the time it was gonna take for me to wake up , from the deep sleep of the great falling away that everyone is this world

Could be and will go through , what is important is that being made whole is what we all need , but we don’t know how to ask. I ask Him to heal me because I can’t do nothing for myself not even if my life depended on it.

Now i lay in my bed with the opportunity for a new perspective on live , a new fresh start , I don’t need to be going though this any longer.

I see the Lord , see me in my distress and He Once again , didn’t leave me to die in my struggle to turn things around. I cannot do anything apart from him.

I’m ready to get back up , I’m still laying down in bed , as soon as I post this , I AM GOING TO ARISE AMD WALK. I will get up and see the new path He has set out for me. I don’t know what it is but He has blessed me with the ability to GET UP and WALK.

Get up and walk by His Grace , Love and be forgiven. He finds no fault in me and He says Where are your accusers? ITS TIME TO GET UP , and walk.

Now I know and have to be made fully aware , things won’t be a easy but I HE IS WITH ME THROUGH IT ALL. It’s time to exercise FAITH.

Stay tuned for the next entry.

#don’t give up #from rags to riches in christ jesus #he is with me #he is with me through it all #I am not alone #jesus saves #he is my redeemer of my time #wake pray and slay

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jdlopes777-blog · 4 months

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This one is for those who are going through it

Plain and simple , find something you are passionate about.

Find something you can see yourself doing that doesn’t feel like a job but you love it so much that it’s like a dream come true.

#don’t give up #from rags to riches in christ jesus #business #wellness #well being

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jdlopes777-blog · 5 months

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A Poem “HERE I AM” by Jd Lopes

Here I am

Take of me

mindful of the way

When you Say

Too late to come

Back for it another time.

Takers are underway

Looking for strays with gold chains

Strays are strays but

They still learn and wake up

And realize you were just

A waste of time and a cheap time

A stain you can never wash away

Damaged goods walking

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jdlopes777-blog · 5 months

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DAY - 1 - MAJOR RESET - World War 7 within myself. DEC 2nd 2023 ,

RESTART - from World War 6 in JANUARY 2023

I’m 38 , and I about to hit 39 , this is a everlong struggle to be a better SPIRIT , SOUL , inner man , the outer man has had dominion over my temple. I belong to Jesus Christ almighty.

Fighting the good fight of FAITH and WELL BEING. ITs been tough just to be here now typing this. Im either typing my life on TUMBLER , or writing it down on my journal.

My life has been bitter sweet , I made decisions that led to where I stand today. I do believe wether terrible painful 😞 decisions The Lord doesn’t mean no harm. FREE WILL can make you or break you. Even to your grave.

I have intoxicated my existence to the point of death. I tried to take myself out when I was 27 years old and my last breath never came at 5:30am. The enemy is real but why can I not let that hit home and register and a new MIND SET be born at 27.

I had a chance at 17 , 20 , 21 , 24 , 26 , 27 , 29 , 31 , 33 , 35 , after those catastrophic events war at within myself all due to external and internal factors deriving from bad circles of influence and decisions that infected my soul by un equally home myself to another human being and the 🌎 world.

I am like a land , I’m like a wholly land the entire world wants to take over and run over and destroy it because I am the RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD in Christ Jesus for what he has done for humanity. Took the punishment for all of us all. I have been made righteous for what HE DID , not anything of me. For my penalty of sin is death and Christ tells step aside son , this is not your battle but MINE.

Receive it , it is my GIFT 🎁 to you , GRACE…..

I was born in DEC 12th , 1984 , according to my mother and gramma a 4am baby before the sun came out. Gramma takes and took amd stole the center stage , per the family in Managua Nicaragua I was the baby of the BARRIO , along with my baby girl side quick NINOSKA , a girl baby born around the same time.

At 17 she was the one for me , so I THOUGHT , ….she was beautiful to me. I thought this at a point in my time I was in my prime , healthy , virgin, away from the toxic world that was ever so fast unraveling at light speed with technologies that I had yet to be introduced to so at that very moment all I had was 📝 📄 PAPER and PENCIL .

She was my sweetheart PEN PAL , from NICARAGUA the barrio I was born in MANAGUA , and me in WHITTIER , CA - Fred C NELLES. Youth Correctional Facility. A little more back , this all started from when I was 10 years old , my father lifelessly beat me for at least once every 2 weeks , a savage beating with a shiny leather belt with a piece of metal from a business suit any opportunity he had , sometimes 3 times every 2 weeks since I was 5 years old.

WHY DAD ???

Father of mine , sent my mom to learn English , and go to adult school , my mom was about 22 years old , and she only spoke u less she was spoken to. THE SANDINISTA way , the very thing that gave me ASSYLUM , to enter the USA , as a political ASSYLEY , the very thing we left that country for was the very thing that my father brough with him to 🇺🇸 AMERICA in 1987 , Los Angeles then Santa Ana OC , in CALIFORNIA.

The derailment of my childhood which then DOMINO EFECTS into my teenage hood troubles and eventually ADULTHOOD. My father prior to this was a HERO 🦸‍♂️ in my life like any child should grow up into am adult and say. ………….

Before I go ( I DONT BLAME my father anymore, I have grown up to accept my up bringing. and realize that it was tragic but like a song I heared my SWEDISH MADIA , The Lord has helped me and is still helping me get through it all as he goes before me everytime anywhere good or bad.

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The song above has a BAR that says , SHOW em how you backflipped from TRAGIC

Show em how the struggle made MAGIC.

THE NUCLEUS of the journey to a KINGDOM of TRAGEDY, TRAGIC KINGDOM ,

It was 1989 , had to have been a week day I was already getting ready to start KINDERGARTEN at FAIRHAVEN ELEMENTARY in Santa Ana , CA , My father was a powerful self employed man , a prosperous salesman. He lives a FRUGAL lifestyle. My father one afternoon , in a studio apartment we lived in , had just recently paid for my moms younger sister to come to USA to live with us.

She was probably 18 years old fresh low hanging fruit from the tree 🌳 virgin probably. While my beautiful poor mother was at school learning to speak English , something my father and her should have been doing together. The very thing that could have made my family into BILLIONAIRES. My mother was a woman of HONOR , gracious , humble , natural beauty , with a cute squint , a queen 👸, my father threw away a BILLION dollar club ticket to BRENTWOOD , CA over a an AFFAIR with my moms younger sister , my father tells me and the twin younger brothers of mine. Kids get ready in 15 minutes. We are going to the park.

Those 15 minutes were longer or so I recall , so I went inside the room the only room in the apartment that had only one restroom a tiny studio. There he was having sexing with her in the bed my mother and father shared. The ONLY bed in the place. I saw it and I remember it like it was yesterday. The door was unlocked , and I saw them both naked , fucking , FORNICATING , or ADULTERY , destroying a married Front row seat ticket. VIP pass I helped myself to ,

You can’t tell a CHILD wait for 15 minutes!!!! A child won’t give you not even a a minute. But yet I remember waiting for at least 7. I was obedient in life up to that point. I was alway trying to please my dad and be the best kid for him , I would look for him up that point. Like any 5 year old child does today. I was forced to grow up quick at the speed of life up to that point.

I’m

There seeing it for at least 4 seconds , my world got hit with a NUCLEAR WEAPON of full destruction, I COULD NOT UNSEE the scene. Now my father becomes the enemy , a terrorist in a child life . My father died that moment in my life. He died and I died too , the moment he walked out and beat me to death a savage beating. The first time I had ever seen the BELT that would torment me the next 7 years of my life a TRIBULATION of 7 years , I am in awe 🫢 to think 🤔 about it and I type and reflect this very moment here now in the present.

for the next 7 years I lived in a prison , a child like prison , locked up and the key was thrown away In fear that I might say something to my mother when she came back. It was a very EXPENSIVE price , blood 🩸, sweat 😓 and tears 😭. To keep me intimidated , full of fear , afraid , I couldn’t be a child have fun be loud , run around , make friends , go out and play. While I noticed other kids play in my neighborhood I couldn’t. I guess that’s what led to my first attempted SUICIDAL idea in my life. When I was 6 years old after many beatings , I jumped off a second floor BALCONY. from that same apartment ,

Wether I was actually trying to kill myself or not subconsciously or consciously , I would hang out in that balcony which was the only thing I was allowed to do. It was like 5 by 12 , place crowded with junk. I played alone there UNSUPERVISED , I thought I could fly , how could I have not thought of tue danger in falling , well I did , next thing you know I get up , walking all the way around and climbed the stairs bleeding 🩸 from my CHIN I think I could have snapped my head back , but truly THE LORD avoided the loss of life. I know this now looking back.

I was a WONDERER , I would wonder off , to get away from my father , I was afraid of him a real fear. So I would purposely wonder off and get lost in public , and then I would get scared of him finding me so then I would return I was not brave enough to follow though running away.

Anyway …. Back to the situation at hand I just almost killed myslef , and I walk back up bleeding tore up from my chin because I landed flat on my stomach on concrete below from 20 ft , I had to climb the balcony and stand in top on the balcony wall , in order to get maximum flight time of 20ft or so or more. 24 ft max , ( I’d have to go the crime scene and measure to be exact ) …….

I open the door amd as soon as my mom saw me I CRIED , and she calls the ambulance and 911 and all that chaos. I went to the hospital , NUMB , I’m not sure what my mother told the paramedics , but the hospital wanted to know what happened. I remember the doctor asked me if I was trying to be like Superman or Batman. I wish I was either so I could have kicked my fathers ass raw like he did to me. I got 12 stitches under my poor child chin and with NO ANESTHESIA probably because they were I afraid I had a like a concussion and the hospital rather let me feel it then put me to sleep and risk not waking up.

I cried like I was dying I felt every stitch going in and out. They had to tie me down on a board as they tried to stitch me up and my mother had to help along with nurses. Then I got passed that , it came to pass , then I was hospitalized for like 2 or 3 maybe 5 days until results came in that I was clear from severe trauma to my head. I still had one more person to deal with , my father , I could see him in the door of the hospital room door with his arms crossed , I wanted to cry 😢 not because I was happy to see him , but because I knew he wanted to whoop my ass for that stunt.

And so this is how It all began , I wish I had good news , but this is not a happy story , it’s just a moment in my present time to remind myself where I have come from and what I have survived , and that life is not over and it won’t end here NOW , the Lord has proven to me that after trying to take my own like 3 or 4 times maybe 5. HE never allowed it and hasn’t yet to happen , he hasn’t called me back ,

HEAVEN HASNT CALLED ME HOME 🏡, the Lord is not done with me here on earth. I’m back flipping from tragic things. And making struggles into prosperous things with a PURPOSE for HIM. His word says that the work HE started in me HE will complete , the moment I’m called by HIM.

Imagine living like that for at least 7 years until came times that I was being a menace to myself and others , I was confused , I was sent to NICARAGUA , at 7 to 8 and was dropped off I another monster being replaced for another , it’s like JOSEPH sold to slavery by his siblings , I can relate being una foreign land and not knowing anyone , and this is where I meet my baby queen at 7 years old , first time swing her after my father had fled the FEDERAL investigators , for his fraud schemes , we fled the country in 1992 to 1993 , drove Two cars and packed them with as much stuff as we could , and drove away to NICARAGUA 🇳🇮 in car through MEXICO , with my mother , my mothers younger sister , whom is now PREGNANT with child , my father seed , something my mother DID NOT know about , I wonder what my aunt told my mom to make her not suspect the AFFAIR , stay tuned for that story , in another chapter.

There were some other things that happened to me as a child in this country under the care of my gramma now but even a loving 🥰 sweet woman could not spare me from more trauma , I nearly died of a skin cancer like desease , I got like a skin cancer , and by the GRACE of God I did not die. For some reason I attracted creeps , But aside from all that , it was Summer of 1992 , and I spent Christmas of 1992 in Managua under another fear of someone hurting me. I got home sick and I missed my mom. For the love of God why can’t I be with my mom under her arms hugged and feel safe. without a creep after me in MANAGUA , and another tyrant like my father watching every little thing I was doing.

The only good memories I had was with ERNESTO a boy friend of a girl called ROSA a daughter of NINOSKAS mom , the Doctor NINOSKA of the Barrio. I was a child who needed LOVE and I thought I was in love with this girl. That was short lived. My parents left back to USA to face the hard truth and reality of their actions with the government. And they took with them the pregnant woman my moms younger sister , who is close to giving birth to CHRISTOPHER LOPEZ , my little half brother , half cousin. He was born in FEB 2nd 1994 , my fathers SECRET CHILD.

I came back to USA 🇺🇸 Never knowing when I would see NINOSKA again. I came back in time to jump on the second grade with Ms HETZEL , at FAIRHAVEN Elementary , Now my aunt was public enemy in my world # 2 because now she was mistreating me afraid of the same thing because she knows I know I saw her stupid naked ass , losing her VIRGINITY to my father , God only knows how many times they fucked , aside from that one time I witnessed.

Back to blood 🩸 sweat 😓 and tears 😭, clashing heads with my father and my moms younger sister and my mom never aware of any of it , bottled up inside for YEARS !!!! at least 7 in the presence of those 2 evil 👿 people. I was DAMAGED GOODS , at times the savage beating would welt my skin and trigger the shape of the belt with blood marks , had to hide those. Most were on my back and arms and even hand whenever I would beg my father crying 😭 to stop it hurts. Grabbed me my one arm and whooped me with that belt from another.

By now at 7 years old I have so many issues. Sexual and physical and mental and emotional.

The rest is for another time …….. lots more to talk about that…from 1992 to 1999 …..

Then from OCT 20 th 1999 to FEB 14th 2005 at the age of 20…. and on …………

BACK TO TODAY …….. 12-2-2023 …………..

story to be continued ……………

DAY 1 is today , and I pray to the Lord I am given the strength to ABSTAIN , from yesterday mindset …..

#my life story #from rags to riches in christ jesus #as far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a good kid #tragic childhood memories #I want to be made whole #I want to be free from my self #I want to be healthy and prosperous in all areas and aspects of life #a book 📚 in the making #from Nicaragua to USA #political assailee #life reflections #music #from nothing to something for CHRIST #DONT GIVE UP #keep fighting the good fight of faith #great things coming #Youtube

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jdlopes777-blog · 5 months

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SPECIAL MOMENTS - at 38 years old , year 2023

How could I have ever thought tue thought that 15 years ago I would be 38 years old in 2023

According to the TERMINATOR movies Skynet should have already liked us all. 😂

#life at 38 #nostalgic moments from back then to now #special moments 2023

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jdlopes777-blog · 5 months

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I was triggered by this TRACK and music video

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THE POEM triggered by the above MUSIC video

NOSTALGIC MOMENTS

I lost the POEM , so here it goes again , this triggers a nostalgic vibe , for a longing desire to experience a moment with a former , if it wasn’t meant to be why am I wrestling with the urge to take a couple steps back and revisit something that is NOT REAL , associating a feeling and spark and fire a longing for WHAT ?! something that was never real but feels like a lucid heavy dose of reality knowing the end is near but wishing for the pain to be pushed back and not dealt with eighth after the offense. LOVE is a person who stuck it out with you when you had nothing and was nothing but a LOSS and LIABILITY. Wether or times or bad the person is there. That’s powerful .

#nostalgic feelings for a former #feelings for someone I used to know #nostalgic emotional moments for a former #what would it have been like if I #Youtube

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jdlopes777-blog · 7 months

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Wisdom , the Bible tells me it’s like a woman , honor her and she will honor me. I am in a special situation where I no longer care for the things I sough after in my 20s. My 30s were a rebuilding phase with lots of lessons I had to learn and painful trial and tribulations i had endure.

Is it so hard to understand , things that harm you any part of you Any type of harm , a drug , a substance anything that harms or has harmed you in no good for you. This is what a friend or a psychologist would say. Then why go after such a thing again why yoke myself to that being. That part of my 30s is gone. It’s registered to my mind.

My 40s are almost here , and I want wisdom to be that woman I chase after. I have made mistakes that have brought me to where I am now. Now I seek to take care of my parents , I need a home where I can house them. I have family in Nicaragua I feel the need to help and be a support to them. I can leave them hanging. My gramma is in very very bad shape and I will not say I feel helpless. I will separate my feelings from what is true.

I know now feelings are deceitful and wicked. My heart is wicked and full of deceitful schemes. I will not give in to. The enemy looking for any little bit of space to take over. I rather walk away from danger than to gamble my life. This is wisdom and I cherish you. I am in a unique situation because I am growing weary of the mortgage career I have but I don’t know what to do and this is okay too. Because wisdom tells me to depend on Christ alone for an answer a way out. I rather walk away from all this chaos I pray the Lord help me see though all this.

I want a house for my mom and a house for my dad and a house for me to raise a family of my own. My household will praise the Lord and it starts with me. I will no longer cast my pearls to swine. By the grace of God I will see the Lords salvation in my life. I will get out of debt , I will pay off my IRS debt I will pay off CA FTB. I will get my residency card I will be able to earn a living in what I know how to do best and that is help families get into their own homes so they too can worship the Lord and praise the Lord.

I represent family togetherness , family values , I care to see parent raise their kids and see them grow together as a family and I care about families assembling to worship together under one roof united in Christ. This is wisdom being single and living weekend to weekend is horrible been there done that. I have a partner I would like to raise a family but I am not there yet and it’s in the Lord hands my life and here I am declaring it exuberantly that HE IS , the one who sees me and is with me everywhere I go and I depend on help from HIM only to help me navigate.

I have done everything I can to do what I can do to survive and I have labored in vain. But the Lord is with me to remind me it doesn’t have to be that way. I trust the Lord for a way out , a financial breakthrough so I can move to a place where I can afford to raise and support a family with the help of the Lord guiding me where I should earn and how and when and where. I am in PRINCEVILLE , ILLINOIS , and it’s beautiful out here 3 and half hours away from CHICAGO , and I love the country , it’s so peaceful and serene.

I pray for a way that the Lord will make for me to be able to earn enough to support family and church and friends and family. The Lord has kept me in mortgages long enough to realize I am great at them. Despite my mistakes from the past being in the way from a license to work on mortgages I am still putting my trust in Christ because I believe he wants to bless me with a solution. His thoughts are higher than mine and at this moment things are tough but HE IS with me and I believe HE is working behind the scenes.

I want to remind myself just as HE reminds me all the time , HE knows what I need before I ask. Things will work out in HIS timing. Not mine. I thank you Lord that you are working behind the scenes and I will look back and see these journal and I will see that I should not have worried at all.

I’m tired of all the noise from big cities and places where I am having difficulty keeping up I’m so behind and I will not lose sleep (WISDOM) The Lord has my back , I am and will not amount to anything without HIM , HE knows what’s best for me and I pray to give thanks I no longer need to ask because HE says yes. He sees me and sees my HEART. My heart is what he sees , and ponders my thoughts and this is great vision because it gives me when I least expect.

#new life #new fresh star #from rags to riches in christ jesus

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jdlopes777-blog · 8 months

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I had never met someone before who would make me the way you made me feel , loved , wanted , flooded me with affection , flawed but fun , I was the same , young and full of life , we were the same , personalities , the same soul , I don’t believe in soulmates , that is stupid. But we were awesome together when everything was fun and all fun and games and laughing but I quickly found out your expectations of me were a bit on the unrealistic side , you wanted to have fun and fun , travel and travel and go out places , dress up clubs and fancy restaurants , trips any where , but you caught me at a point in my life where I was trying to figure it out. Later I find out you are the same as me , stuck between two worlds. Two people , I was in love with you but I fell into a category of being unequally yoked.

The other works was boring , it wasn’t fun. And I lost interest because of my lack of commitment and not having the right mindset or not was I in any shape or position to be in any relationship. How could I have been in a relationship just because I was just used to being with that person. You would tell me that u was with someone due to COSTUMBRE , is the way they say in spanish.

What a terrible way to live life. I am disappointed Ted in myself for not being able to live alone. I’m am disappointed that I would not be able to live alone and be alone because I know now to be alone on this earth carnally is to be close and very close to God. I wish I could go back and to my 22nd birthday , where there was a girl for me in the church but I simply was not operating according g tot he rules and regulations. I was fatherless and motherless , no parent figures.

But back to the subject this is why I got attracted to someone like you because my dysfunctional times 10 - life was just like yours too , dysfunctional and we found fun , lust , and belligerence , and NOT GOD plan , rebellious , pretentious. TUNNEL VISION.

So now here I am wondering about what you could be doing and hoping you are okay. I am not mad , I am not hurt anymore. You lied and so did I. Your intentions were to hurt but you had a right to be hurt and not wanting to play the same wicked game , like the song I wrote said , “it’s too late to come back for it another day” there no rikindling cuz i my heart is all I have and music is all I had , the faith and the belief that I could produce something that could have made it big time.

ONCE AGAIN ! Not GODs plan for me , he has something much better and much greater , that HE is trying to keep me from destroying myself , and you truly were a destructive anomaly in my life. Despite the fun good time we had , the negatives surely outperform the positive. I got fired from a job that I was okay in for the moment. But the good thing is that God had a plan to transition me from a destructive environment to a healthier one. Now I’m here today with how you are and how you are feeling.

Last time you emailed me , you said you were ok and that you were hanging in there , but not doing so well at all emotionally. I could relate , what a terrible thing to be in love with someone you can’t be with. I’m such a tough person to deal with and so are you. Oh well typing this out has helped me realize that there’s nothing wrong with me hoping you are okay and happy. I don’t represent a great memory in your life nor do you for me. But the chaos was fun and it sometimes draws me to wonder , what would it have been if I knew how to be alone and dated you instead of being with you.

I should have made you work harder for it but I was weak and unstable in all my ways but hey it was a learning experience for both. I think for you , it was quite the learning experience because you were given an OVERDOSE of your own medicine , have a guy like me just let you go from one hour to the next. Dropped you faster than a meteorite falling from the sky at the speed of light. Dumped like last Sunday newspaper. I had to let you go because you were still snooping g around behind my back with former men. Then I definitely realized you belonged to the streets.

But hey it’s okay so did I , I was a young kid who has no parent figures guide me into better situations. I guess I was just trying to get by and figure things out. I’m still en route to a plan I have no idea for , and I can come back one day and say it was for the better. Don’t act like you don’t think about me like I think about you every now and then. For you to say no , it would be a lie , there’s nothing wrong with wondering how we are both doing , but we both are afraid of what it would be like or feel like if ever the opportunity came about.

I’m sure we would be triggered to be angry about things here and there and a lot of whys and how things could have been. The Analysis would be extensive. You might even walk away again and say what the heck am I doing here ? Why ? How ? We both are doing well apart from each other and we now are two really different people. Who have grown far apart , just as the same situation I live with. I have grow apart from everything and being alone hasn’t ever sounded so go and great. To live alone and be free from commitments with people who don’t care about what I care.

At the end of the day I loved the way how you kept your self in uppity and about spirits and you went out of your way to look great always for me or whoever it was your self. You smelled and tasted great. You looked great , MUJER SIMPÁTICA , pero INFIEL , como yo. Los dos iguales pero incapaz de co existir. Tu pelo , tus vestidos , te gustaba vestirte bien siempre. Eras divertida , pero eso era todo , solo para una noche o temporada , no me demostrabas algo para siempre. Pero talbez yo igualmente no te merecía igual talbez yo no te merecía a ti. Not Gods plan.

I pray today you have Christ in your life , and that you are a different person , we both just want ti be loved and be in love and want to be happy , but I see that we are both not. Until the next rant . Know I love you no matter what , even though you don’t , but you were cool for what it lasted. I deserve to be ALONE , I don’t deserve the women that have been in my life and are in my life. But at this point it’s their problem not mine if they want to leave me I’m

Okay with that ……it would probably be for the better. I have nothing more to lose and the world 🌎 to gain. I want ti be free , the right way.

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