juuustkeepswimmingg-blog

[juuustkeepswimmingg-blog]

Funny shit

Okay so

I’m feeling pretty okay about my ex Christopher and Myself being done now. I mean some days it really hits me hard. Like lately the last week has been really bad for me. I’ll be driving and have a urge to listen to a song about being cheated on and left for another woman. UUUUGH. Does it ever get better? I swore i was fine.

I even got back together with James because i thought we both had time to grow up a little bit & discover ourselves without suffocating each other’s growth space. Funny shit. People don’t change.

I feel so pathetic. Starting to think there really is no one out there for me. Everyone tells me to be patient with people and like be patient? Blow someone off on purpose just to get them to miss me? It’s a daily thing. That’s not right. It’s making me depressed. I’m not happy about ignoring someone on purpose. Especially not my boyfriend.. I’ve messed up a lot in my life.. but i don’t think this is the proper karma for me. Like how long does karma last? The rest of my life? For fucks sake. I just want to be happy. I want to quit investing my time in people that don’t actually wanna invest their time into me. I wanna be with people that wanna be with me. I’m tired of being the last option for everyone.

I love James and always have and always will. But I’m pretty sure he doesn’t feel the same way. “Why don’t you ask him or talk to him?” I FUCKING HAVE. i never get straight answers. Seriously. It’s always beating around the bush. Always answers like “well you do” “well you did” “mmm” “mhm” “hmp”. Those are the responses i get when i try to communicate and get a grip on where we’re at in a relationship. For fucks sake. I’m gonna die from stress before I’m 25 if this keeps up. I can’t do this no more. I can’t live feeling like i don’t matter to a guy when i could be single and feel more love from Myself. Because getting ignored and promises getting broken as soon as they’re made is just not fun. Fuck. I just wish things were easier. I wish i was lovable. I wish i was good enough.

Like a certain someone only calls me when her BFF won’t answer her calls. Only wants to hang with me when nobody else is available. I’m so disposable. I’m so not needed. I feel like absolute garbage. And nobody actually needing me or wanting me is REALLY hurting my self confidence. Like i didn’t have much before. And the bar just keeps getting lower and lower. Depressing. I’m so lost.

God what am i supposed to do? I know they say you won’t find your king if you keep playing with the joker. But i don’t think there’s a king out there for me. All i do is work and go home or to my parents. And anytime I’m out and about shopping and there’s ANYBODY coming near me i run the opposite way or make a zig-zag to not be in sociable distance. So how the hell would i even be able to meet anybody new?

I’m almost 22 and i feel this crushing obsessive need to get everything together right this second. I’ll never go to school. I have no desire or will to. Plus, how would i pay? I rent and have a job. I don’t really have money or time for school. Let alone the motivation.

22 will be my year to love myself. I loved everyone being 21. And ending up hating myself for allowing myself to be walked on continuously. 22 will be the year i love Myself.

I’m gonna be fuckin 31 and my cats will be my only children. And I’ll be depressingly single. Everyone will question why i never got married or settled down. And it’s all because there is no one for me. Everyone says “oh you’re young yet” YEAH BUT I HAVE FAMILY MEMBERS THAT NEVER GOT MARRIED AND TO THIS DAY THEY ARE 40+ years old and still single. No chance of reproducing. That could be me if shit don’t change. I want kids, damnit. And i want a loving husband that only has eyes and a heart for me.. i want to be happy.. I want to be engolfed in bliss. As much bliss as i was in my relationship with Christopher in the beginning. Total bliss. Everything was how i wanted it. Life couldn’t have been better.. and i have this gut feeling I’m gonna be lonely forever. I don’t even have a best friend. I’m not needed or wanted by anyone.. Nobody misses me.. i don’t want to be me anymore.. i don’t want to be..

Gods blessings

- Chey

#depressing #lost

[juuustkeepswimmingg-blog]

What to Write in your Journal to Move on

1. A description of what happened.

2. How it left you feeling.

3. Who was there and what they said and did.

4. What you wish had happened instead.

5. The reasons why you find it hard to let go.

6. Steps you could take to start to move on.

[juuustkeepswimmingg-blog]

7 Daily Reminders

1. My self worth does not depend on what others think and say about me.

2. My self worth does not depend on how I look or what I weigh.

3. My self worth does not depend on my marks or performance.

4. My self worth does not depend on my number of followers.

5. I am enough just as I am.

6. I can succeed despite a bad day.

7. I am beautiful and valuable – and will treat myself with kindness and respect.

[juuustkeepswimmingg-blog]

#greiving #love #goodbye

[juuustkeepswimmingg-blog]

Not only was it my life you entered and had a great impact on, but it was also my cats. They loved you so much. They looked forward to seeing you every day, as did i. Jack gave you kisses and he doesn’t just give anybody kisses. Jack laid in your lap and on your chest. He loved you. He still looks for you to come through the door sometimes at night. He still listens to the trucks outside to see if it’s you coming home. I know you’re no good for me. But i love(d) you very much. More than I’ve ever loved anyone else. I never thought you would hurt me so easily. I never thought you would keep lying to my face. I never thought I’d be single again and be this broken over a guy again. I never thought there would be a day when i had to tell you no. When i had to ignore you. When i had to leave you.. There’s a lot of things i never saw coming with you. I love everything about you. The only thing i ever would have changed about you back then was how you felt about yourself. How you talked down on yourself and called yourself a ‘piece of shit’. I wanted to help you see how great you can be. How much potential you had in you. I wanted you to see what i saw. Now It’s different. If it was up to me to change something I’d change how you lied to me. How i saw the red flags and i ignored them. They say ignorance is bliss. And up until we broke up i never thought it to be something people could actually say and believe.. I saw all the signs. I had suspicions but ignored them. Just because i was happier with my play pretend fairytale love story.. I thought you were too. I still would change how you talk about yourself though. You broke me into tiny little pieces. And yet i came crawling back, even when you pushed me away, treated me like dirt, and i put those little pieces in your hands.. but you left them slip thru the cracks. I wasn’t worth keeping to you. I understand that now- the second time around. I learned a lot from you. So i guess i should thank you. Thank you for making me feel happy those 3 months. Thank you for giving me something to look forward to every day. Thank you for having my back and introducing me to your family. Thank you for telling everyone about me. Thank you for being such the perfect boyfriend in the beginning. Because if you didn’t then I’d never appreciate a guy like i did you.. My first love was Dakota. He had to move and we had to break up. I found out he was seeing another girl because she took a Snapchat of her face with him behind her and sent it to me. it broke me down completely and after that i blocked him on EVERYTHING. except email because i don’t think you can block someone from emailing you. Anyways i was broken over him for 11 months. It took 11 months to unblock him from everything. To finally be okay with seeing he was with a new girl. (His girlfriends never last). It totally shattered me. I wasn’t Myself after that. Anyways Christmas came around and i got an email from him. FROM HIM. an EMAIL. Saying he hopes all is well. It was a short sweet message. He would even get those texting apps so he could get in touch with me somehow. I blocked every single number he tried. He had some real dedication. I was so surprised he emailed me though. Because who remembers emails? My next love was my high school love. James. James was in my life since freshman year. My best friend. And then that was it. We fell apart and hated each other after that year. Then came back together and actually started dating our senior year. He’s probably my favorite love because we met at school. And he made the first moves and he was so innocent and sweet and thoughtful. Then there was Christopher. He’s the jerk in the gif kissing my cat.. He was persistent as all hell when we first met. We met on Fb. Partially why i deleted it. I was sick of dudes adding me and using it as a dating site. *eye roll*. Anyways he was persistent. He wanted to meet me and hang out all the time. He even surprised me multiple times and brought me flowers. They were fake but i was still surprised. And it was super sweet. It took me a long time (like 2 months to actually fall for him completely,) to open up and feel safe with him. He was great. Minus the fact he tried making me sleep with him after our FIRST DATE. Yes. That’s right. You read that right. Did i mention he was persistent? He tried sooo hard to get me to give in. I’m super glad i didn’t. But even if i did i think it would have ended the same way. If not it probably would have ended quicker.. anyways he broke my heart. We had a rough patch after his ex gf called in the middle of the night. He lied about who it was. Said it was a telemarketer. And that’s when we started to have serious issues. By the end of the week i went thru his phone (i had a huge gut feeling to do it. Otherwise i swear i never went thru a guys phone before) and found out he was trying to find other girls to sleep with. ‘Hot horny friends’ is what he requested his cousins girlfriend to find for him.. We broke up for a month after that. He treated me like i was the one that did the cheating.. I even started going to the bars after because i knew I’d see him. And i so wanted him back. Why? I don’t know. I was truly infatuated with him. He was everything i wanted until he wasn’t. And that’s all i can say about that. ‘He was everything i wanted, until he wasn’t.’ Meaning he was everything. He really was. And he was more. Then suddenly the curtain fell and the carpet was ripped out from me. I think that’s why it’s so hard to let him go. He was everything to me. Anyways we got back together. Which is honestly a good thing because i needed that closure and needed that proof that it wasn’t just a moment of weakness. Or that it wasn’t just because of something i did wrong that made him do what he did.. it was him. All him that wanted to sleep with other girls. I cooked for him. Bought all the groceries. I’ve done stuff for him that isn’t really appropriate to tell on here.. Umm I’ve done a lot for this boy. He took it all for granted. A free ride. He had it so good. He didn’t have to pay for shit. He didn’t have to clean or lift a finger. But God forbid i was crabby because of the messes i cleaned up for him, the wasted food because he didn’t want leftovers, the sleepless nights i had because we fought and didn’t make up. It was awful. When we were bad it was really bad. He didn’t care about me. And ignorance is bliss. I’m so bad at keeping up with all this. I’m bad at giving direct details. Everything right now is just pouring out from me. Word vomit, if you will. I never cared about a boy so much in my life. But i cared about him. I never even trusted a boy so much. Yet i trusted him. I pray to God that this pain goes away. I pray to God that i can delete our pics and videos and not feel sad. I can’t even look at them without feeling like it was somehow preventable.. i know on my end it wasn’t preventable. But it still hurts because that means to him i wasn’t worth keeping. And i spent so much of my time before him trying to believe i was worth keeping and being alive. I have some sadness in me that doesn’t go away. I have since i was younger. I noticed my feelings and my thoughts and looked too deep into how people acted towards me and others. I won’t say I’m depressed because i hate that EVERYONE thinks they’re depressed. So I’ll just say i have sadness in me. It makes me feel less attention seeking than those that paint their arms and legs “IM DEPRESSED” because 90% of the time the people that claim that won’t do anything about it. Maybe I’m being too judgy and won’t understand. But that’s my opinion. I hate being like everyone else. Unless it’s happy. I’d love to be happy. Describing the pain of missing him is like the ocean. It comes in waves. Some days/nights aren’t so bad. But then nights like tonight i am drowning. It seems to be getting worse if I’m honest.. The weeks before have been tolerable. I’ve been busy and my mind has been busy. But this week I’m drowning. Idk how i was able to be numb about it before. Idk what i did to be okay because whatever I’m doing now isn’t working. I could list a million reasons as to why he was such an awful guy.. but I’m still in love with the thousand reasons as to why he was so great.. it’s awful. Loving him is suicide. And i don’t want to die over a fuck like him.. I threw away his boxers today. Good riddance to those. It doesn’t matter if he comes to get them, because I’m not opening the door for him again. He just walks out when he wants and there’s nothing that makes me feel so worthless. ‘Bye Cheyenne’ is what he said the last time i saw him.. That pig.. “I found somebody new & you will never break my heart in two again. 🖤✝️” When i say ‘somebody new’ I’m talking about myself. I found myself and you can’t hurt me like that again. This is such a big post. If anybody irl knows me and reads this— i am so sorry. I don’t want you to see me like this. It’s embarrassing and i feel stripped down naked-sober, Because apparently drunk i forget i have body flaws. I wouldn’t wish heartbreak on anybody. Maybe heartbreak when they’re like 15-16 just to get a clue on how to love and how NOT to love. That’s when my heart broke. And now i don’t feel pain over Dakota anymore. We could be friends and I’d be fine. I can’t wait to feel that way with Christopher. I can’t wait until he no longer crosses my mind. Or until he’s no longer the first person i wanna tell something exciting about. Or invite or anything. I just wanna forget he ever existed. At this point though, I’m not sure if God put me through this to make me available to find the love of my life, or if he put me through this to be alone forever- as if that’s what is going to happen. I truly thought i was going to marry him and be with him forever, thought he was the greatest guy ever. Which is why it hurts so much to let it go, because if that’s the best i can do then i messed up. Focusing on myself is boring and i find myself looking up ‘how to be happy single’ or ‘how to be happy’ or ‘how to find Myself’ or anything. It’s getting to be a bit much. I’m obsessed with finding myself. I have so much time to myself now. Sooo much time to sit and ponder about where it all went wrong.. i need to go to bed. Seriously. More heartbreak rants are on there way, some other night. Maybe tomorrow if sleep doesn’t come easy again. ✌🏻 Goodnight world, Best wishes, Chey

#gif

[juuustkeepswimmingg-blog]

If you loved me then why did you do what you did? Why was i so easy to lose? Things were supposed to get better. I will never let myself get close to anyone ever again the way i got with you. You ruined me for a long time. And you’re not even sorry. You’re such a pig. All those girls. All those lies. You are truly the worst person i ever met. I pray to God i never have to see you again.

#heartache #heartbreak #exbf #why #lost

[juuustkeepswimmingg-blog]

Help

I’ve

Lost

Myself

Again

But i

Remember

You 🖤

Don’t

Come back

It won’t

End well

But i wish

You’d tell me

To. 🖤

#heartbreak #breakup #i love him #cheating #lying #why

[juuustkeepswimmingg-blog]

“People say “never give up” but sometimes giving up is the best option because you realize you’re wasting your time.”

—

[juuustkeepswimmingg-blog]

I’m sincerely sorry to everyone I’ve been ignoring lately. I honestly don’t mean to ignore you. It’s just i don’t really have the words to say to anyone yet...

[juuustkeepswimmingg-blog]

11-21-17

I had a tumblr blog many moons ago but gave it up because it was full of depression and heartache, soooo I decided to make a new one with positivity and self-growth.

G o a l P o s t s

• Do arts and crafts & make tutorials

• write about my daily struggles and how I over come them

• likes/dislikes

• Be inspirational

• self love, self cars & self happiness

Cheers!

- Cheyenne