lady-amorousness

[lady-amorousness]

2018 ... I am thankful.

Timing has a funny way of bringing people into and out of your life at the perfect, precise moment. No matter what they become, who they are to you, or what they attribute to your life - pay attention to the small little details, every single one of them.

I sat in the movie theater last night with a man that has seen things and been through things that top my horrible experiences and make them look like child’s play. A man that has children and no one there to really help him with the struggles that he inevitably faces and has faced. Despite these things he is so positive, caring, loving and happy - truly inspiring. We sat there in a theater full of parents with their children, we ate Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Beans (eat at your own risk! lol) and we watched a Disney movie. Every single care, every single memory of those that I have not been able to let go of, and every single bit of my unhappiness was no where to be seen. For a brief moment in time I let go of it all, laughed about how horrible some of those jelly beans were and just enjoyed living in the moment. I didn’t care about being in a town that I hated, I didn’t think about my anxiety, I didn’t think about those that have willingly left my life and I didn’t think about any other worry that I normally can’t remove from my mind. It was blissful, simple and absolutely amazing. I am so thankful that I was able to experience it and that I have this person in my life right now - there is no one else that I would’ve wanted to spend that moment with. 

Today, I am sad but I am thankful. This year is almost at it’s end but I think that it has been my favorite year to date. I lost my father and even though I never really had him in my life it still leaves me feeling so empty - at the same time he is at peace, his addiction has finally come to an end and wherever his spirit may end up, I hope that it finds peace - that he finds peace. I will always love him and hope to have a second chance with him at some point in some far off universe. There is another person that I have lost in many ways this year, too. I am sure that he will be reading this at some point while he is off on his adventure in Europe, taking in all of the awesome things that he always seems to find for himself. I can’t say that I lost him - essentially I never had him. I more or less lost hope of having him in my life in a different way than he already is. I am thankful for this and thankful that I can still have him in my life - even if it isn’t in the way that I had wanted or imagined. Since you will be one of the few reading this, know that I really, truly, love you. I have grown in so many ways since I have met you and a lot of that growth has occurred because of you. In many ways, you are the gift that I never really wanted but needed to receive and with time I have grown so thankful for that gift, for you. I hope that with every little decision that you have made that has hurt me, you too see the silver lining and learn from them - just as I have. If I look deep down I realize that we were never really meant to be together, just to love one another and call each other out on our stupid bullshit and mistakes - and we were meant to learn from these things. I think that you always knew this - that your gut feeling was more intuitive than you even realized. I am sorry that I took so long to see it in the way that you did/do. I hope that someday you take the time to really have a “you” moment - that you reflect and think about who you are and what you have become. I hope that you can confront your inner most darkest secrets and be honest with yourself about things that you are seemingly in the dark about. I hope that you FEEL - trust me, you can do it - you just have to be HONEST with yourself. Accept yourself for who you REALLY are.

I am still growing, learning and beginning to understand just how life works. It is mysterious but an adventure in itself. And I am thankful. 

#thankful #life #2018

[lady-amorousness]

And when she laughed it

Was like every star winked

A silver sunlight song

Sparrow sweet, she was a

Rose caught in the diamond

Teeth of time and every mouth

That tried to touch her turned

Into sweetness mixed with blood

She had a heart that drove

Too fast around hairpin turns

And her broken bones were

Badges borne of bittersweet

Goodbyes, petals left on pillows

And headlights toward the dawn

Always so busy running, she never

Stopped to notice what she’d lost

[lady-amorousness]

These words are the words that I haven’t been able to write myself...

play pretend

play pretend

they say pain generates art; pain inspires. but the only thing oozing out of me is pain and pain and more pain. and occasionally tears. tears that seldom are shed in public. i can’t help it. i can’t help the feeling of pain, or shame, or “i miss you” they’re a bundle. they all come in one.

see… i, for some reason, have a tendency for self-destruction. which is ironic, because honestly… there is not much left to destroy. nothing left to explode when everything has imploded within me.

jealousy, the worst kind burning, blazing, banging on the inside walls of my mind.

they say pain generates art. but i’m bland. tasteless. when i blossom, i blossom primary colors. my insides will grow into flowers and choke me. the irony. the beauty of art. the beauty of self destruction.

“i miss you”. the worst kind of pain, one that my primary colors refuse to let go maybe play pretend, break my will, shape and bend to your taste. feed me words i want to hear to shut me up, now hoping i would’ve just disappeared.

but i should’ve known… all beautiful things come to an end.

you were once beautiful to me, and now.. now i feed myself tasteless seeds, hoping one day they will grow within. even if it’s pseudo art. subconsciously i know that too will come to an end.

but for now, i’ll just play pretend.

submitted by @f6lth

[lady-amorousness]

The weight of your choices Can be felt in the fear you’re forced to manage. Good or bad… If you find yourself preparing your defence Without need Just wait… The opportunity is guaranteed to present itself.

Natasha Head #poetry #poetsofig #writers #writersofinstagram #youknew #choices #sartre #quotestoliveby #beprepared #tashtoo

[lady-amorousness]

-This is poetry-

I no longer think this is poetry

I can’t rhyme words poetically when it comes to telling the truth

I can’t maintain my composure as a poet alone

most often, I am more of a man of sorrow

I no longer think this is poetry

Every time I write one

I always think of something deeper

and deeper, I think no more, of so much to be poetically sounded

I no longer think this is poetry

This is more of reality

I see the world like it’s fading away

wars, famine, chaos everywhere

I see the world like a candle

losing itself with its own flame

I see the world in pain

like a woman in labor

and its chances to live is hardly notice

I no longer think this is poetry

I see it more than art

I see it more than work

I see it more than passion

Am I in trouble?

Am I alone in this?

I no longer think of poetry as it is

Or maybe this is what it truly means

Maybe, I was too inclined with so much of imagining

But maybe, this too, is poetry

//Me To You//

Df.

[lady-amorousness]

Who, Why, What .

In the never ending quest to discover who we are and why we are here and what happens to us when we die, I just want you to know I met someone and I can’t stop smiling and even if nothing else happens between us and it’s all in my imagination, I am going to keep on smiling.

[lady-amorousness]

U

Am I at a loss because you have left my life?

Is there more than one “love of your life?” I like to think that there isn’t, It wouldn’t be magical if there were more than one. But how do we know if someone is the love of our life?  How can we ever be sure if we haven’t met everyone that we will eventually meet?

I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what to say anymore, I will be silent from here on out…

I will always feel this huge hole in my heart, The one that you left there when you did all of this… How can you hurt me if you love me? How can you sit there and ignore thoughts & feelings? Meaningful ones?

The thrill of pleasing only myself will never fulfill me. I wish that you were the same, Part of me will always think that you are, Somewhere deep down inside. 

Somewhere deep inside of you, You are the person that would choose love, Over things that will eventually disappear. 

Somewhere deep inside you aren’t selfish, You are loving & caring, You are selfless & amazing.

I hope that someday you prove me right. I hope that someday you put other people first. I hope that someday you pay and take care of your responsibilities instead of making others do so, so that you can take trips & fill your own pleasures. I hope that someday you reflect on what you have said to me & realize just how much you have hurt me. I may be just one woman, one of many whom you interact with, but I have loved you more than anything in my life. Many things fade, looks go, aging happens, life happens… but I will always believe that love is infinite. I hope that someday I can forgive you… if I ever get the chance to.

I am sorry that I have anxiety, bad anxiety at that. I can’t help myself more than I already am. I wish you knew the struggle. I wish that you could be there for me. I really only ever needed your love, your support, your voice… 

You.

[lady-amorousness]

TRUTH.

"Knowing can be a curse on a person's life. I'd traded in a pack of lies for a pack of truth, and I didn't know which one was heavier. Which one took the most strength to carry around? It was a ridiculous question, though, because once you know the truth, you can't ever go back and pick up your suitcase of lies. Heavier or not, the truth is yours now."― Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

I hope that you’ll be lying in your bed in your current location reading this at some point before you leave your lovely little beach escapade. I hope that you’re lying there with someone else, holding them too - hold on tight because they and whomever else you may hold onto from here on out will never be me. Does that make a difference to you? Your actions have NEVER met with your words in any way, shape or form. What kind of man waits three years to blame his overall decision on the woman who has so willingly loved him even when he didn’t deserve to be loved? Are you a man? Are you a scared little boy? You claim that you see/talk to me more than anyone else. IF that isn’t bullshit then I am so glad that you’re out there working on the things that you're good at and not the things that actually need to be worked on - clearly being close with people that matter isn’t your strong point, why should you be working on something that’s more important when your selfish lifestyle rewards you so well? I sound so cruel. Maybe you repeatedly hurting me and letting me down makes that little mean streak come out, maybe it makes the anxiety worse too. Did you ever stop to think about what your emotional fuckery has on my anxiety? Then again, you’ve been honest with me, right? I have willingly stayed here through your “honesty" so what should you have to feel bad about, right? In many aspects I can blame myself; I love the thrill of seeing you, the uplifting high that I get, the laughter, the happiness, the adventures, the music… at the core of it all I have always loved and cherished you more than you have ever deserved. Maybe I am partially to blame for being the one that has so willingly stuck around. In retrospect, we are both to blame… but really we are beyond this “blame” game. Thank you, for sticking by “the love of your life’s” side when she really needed you. Thank you, for repeatedly hurting “the love of your life” with your constant excuses and bullshit. Thank you, for not showing “the love of your life” that she was just that…the love of your life, as you have exclaimed her to be. I will always be here for you because you have been the love of my life, and we can both agree that I have proved that far and wide. I have looked at you like you held the world because you did hold the world for me - love is the only thing in this world worth living for and you held my love, so carelessly. I will be grateful for whatever adventures come next but they will not be spent with just you alone anymore. I am done sharing myself with just you. Despite what you may think, my life is more full than yours, even though it lacks much of what yours doesn’t. Your life may be fun but mine is real and I would never trade anything for it. I do have other people and even though when I love someone I make them my main focus because that’s how I love, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have others. You were special to me and I shared things with you that I chose not to share with others because you were the person that I wanted to share them with. YOU. It has been you for four years. Yet, to you, it has been everyone else and yourself. No more. Thank you, for punching “the love of your life” in the gut with the only thing that could’ve ever destroyed any progress that she has made. From the bottom I will rise like I have so many other times before. I hope that when you take your plunge, which you will because we all do at some point, all of your fortune and luck haven’t left you completely destroyed without a way to pull yourself up. For where I am weak you are strong but where you are weak I am strong. I think that this is all that I have to say now. I have been sitting here thinking that maybe you would be in touch since we had such a lovely time together… then again it was always me reaching out so who am I fooling other than myself? Goodnight to you, I hope you read this VERY carefully. It is, finally, the last straw for me; your words have finally knocked the wind, love and hope out of me.

[lady-amorousness]

[ Photo Series #13 — By Ruben Gabriel ]

[lady-amorousness]

No Titles Here.

No two loves are the same. 

Love will vary throughout your life, Change & take different shapes, Feel & sound different.  Love changes. It grows deeper, But I don’t think that it ever leaves us. If it is true love it lasts a lifetime. 

My mean ways are pain, There is no yelling anymore. There is no pining for you to realize, That there will be other loves. Other loves, Other faces. Other partners,  Other places. They will be different.  They may be better in some aspects, They will be worse in others, But they will occur, For you & for me, Because you’ve failed to see.

The way that I look at you, You hold the world. You hold a part of me that no one ever has. You hold a part of me that no one ever will. I have never felt my soul connect with someone, The way mine does with yours, When I look into your eyes, & see myself staring back.

I am scared too. It doesn’t seem like it could ever work. The living situation, The job situation, Any of it. I am indecisive too.

I don’t know what I want. I am not the greatest looking, I don’t come from a different continent, I don’t speak in a different tone. My body is as it appears to be. My skin ages as I lose my youth. But I am here. I would stick by you every step of the way, Every leap & jump, It would be for you. My heart is yours. I can’t take it back, & I am so scared now.

You have walked away, & I have no choice but to stay.

#love

[lady-amorousness]

wehttaM

I dreamt of you last night.

I saw the stars in your eyes.

I felt the warmth of your skin. 

Oh, where do I begin.

We looked at one another, Knowing that there would never be some other.

We felt one another, Like two star-crossed lovers.

I never felt more at ease.

I never felt more at home.

I was where I longed to be, Right next to you, Where I belong.

& then I woke.

I realized that I will never be the same again.

For you have taken the stars, The moon, & the seas. 

& you have stolen my eyes, My heart, & my dreams.

#poem #poetry #love #loss #moon #stars #dreams

[lady-amorousness]

Changes.

Look at you whining & pining,

For someone else’s face.

For someone else’s touch,

For someone else’s taste.

You’re so goddamn pathetic,

Yet I want you on my floor.

Or maybe on my bed,

Just fuck me ‘till I’m sore.

I don’t know what I’m saying,

I don’t know who I am.

But fuck it - let’s be happy,

I’m quite sick of being good.

#Poem #Poetry

[lady-amorousness]

[lady-amorousness]

Some days I swear I’m over you - when I dance alone in my kitchen while my coffee brews and the sun shines bright outside, when I read a book while I soak in the tub with only a glass of wine, when I forget about your things that I placed in a dusty old box in a corner of a closet I barely open anymore and on days like these, when I’m happy with being alone, I thank the heavens that you left But on days when the sun doesn’t show And rain clouds color the sky grey And when the bed is too big for my too little body And the comforter doesn’t bring me comfort as your arms once did, I wish you stayed. I wish you heard me when I whispered, ‘please stay. fight for me’ as you closed the door on your way out of my life. And on days like these I dust off the box containing your things, pour myself a large glass of wine and remember the good times - when you danced with me in our kitchen while the coffee brewed and the sun shone outside when you joined me in the tub for a bath that left me feeling dirtier than when I first came in But then the sun will shine again and the box will go back to where it belong - a dark corner of a closet I barely open anymore and then I hope this time the sun will shine a little bit brighter and the rain clouds will stay away a little bit longer.

Cycle / deepthoughtsofanobody (via deepthoughtsofanobody)

[lady-amorousness]

Galaxies And Seas

“Galaxies And Seas”

We exist to wonder About the galaxies and seas Solutions always vague About how they came to be

We ponder the Egyptians The phoenixes and their marks How the earth can rotate Why there’s night and dark

We ponder over mountains And the cracks that fall between Serenity and misery Nothing’s ever like it seems

We lay our heads in beds And overthinking brings Love and hate and remorse And why we feel such things

We live in speculation In fear of the unknown We blindly make decisions And then reap what we have sewn

Fires burn like cancer We contain the treasures Space exceeds forever Still we find no answer

We are always searching Searching for the greater Never fully satisfied So we worship a creator

Life is one big lesson And certain paths do cross Some of us wear crowns Made of thorns and scratchy moss

I have traveled the Earth Said goodbye to the departed But so again it seems I am right back where I started

In the end the answers Are not to our delight Some may come to realize Throughout the lonesome night

[lady-amorousness]

If You Don’t See It Through

& someday it will all fade. The excitement to see you; the anxiety & the butterflies they’ll all fade away too. No meeting at train stations, no music experiences, & no late night adventures. No random gifts of song & random loving banter. Soon enough, it will all be done away with. The love, the laughter, & even the crying too. It will be gone because you have let it fade away, you didn’t work to see it through. Whether you’ll miss it, only time can tell you. But someday you’ll feel it - the little pains of what once was. & if you regret it, well, it’s all on you...

#love #loss #writing #poem

[lady-amorousness]

Rack ‘Em Up

It’s not a competition or race, It’s not a number thing. You won’t be praised for your pace, And you won’t be proud of your digits. For you’re a fool to your own ways, And a coward with no limits.

#poetry #poem #rhymetime