losterthanlost

[losterthanlost]

April 26, 2024

Hello.

Life is very creative in giving you surprises noh? Maka-pamalikas na lang jud ka.

Amahan sa langit, sorry dili ako imong pinakabut-an na bata. Kapila sad tika gina-kuwestyon sa imong role sa world. Pero, Amahan, I still believe in your existence and your power. Although, sa akong iingon next, mura ko og cliché case of someone na gina-ignore ka for most of their life and nag dagan ra sa imo during difficult times, well, sorry lang jud. Pero nag-ask lang ko sa imo Amahan, na please i-protect mi sa akong pamilya isa-isa sa bawat lihok namo sa adlaw-adlaw, ug ang among panimalay, ug ang safety namo sa among pagpuyo in general. This week, na naga start na for many weeks na, naka-face mi og murag threats sa among peace and safety gikan sa among mga silingan. Una is dili kaayo dangerous pero disrespectful gihapon. Nagapa-sounds sila og kusog kaayo na pati among sin na atop na naa sa part na pinakalayo sa ilahang speaker, naga kurog na sad. Every weekend pa jud nila ginahimo. Gahapon pag-uli nako nag-istorya na jud ko na pahinayon lang unta. Wala man ko niingon na patyon. Pahinayon lang karang dili lang kusog kaayo na pati ako na anad og headphones, masakitan na pud ang dalunggan. Pero narealize nako karon na murag kulang akong paghan-ay sa akong thoughts sa ilaha na wish lang unta nako na okay lang magpatugtog dili lang unta pakusgon kaayo. Always bad the first time jud ko, Amahan. Sorry. So mangayo lang jud ko og proteksyon gikan sa imoha, Amahan. Kay murag mga pikon ra ba ni sila og ugali. Ambot aha ni sila gikan or kung unsa ni ilang naandan na batasan sa ilang lugar. After ani akong pag-istorya sa babae sa among silingan, kagabii daw, ana akong mama naa daw duha ka batan-on nagdala og flashlight na murag balak sudlon amo gate pero nag-usig man ang iro and mata pa si mama. Tung nadungog nila na mugawas si mama, niingon daw og "balik balik". :<. Ambot kung related ning duha ka incident pero Amahan please unta dili ingana ka-low among silingan. :<. Murag wala na nuon koy balak magskwela today :<. Murag gusto nako mag-absent sa am classes and sa lab na lang musulod. Unta dili jud related ni na incidents. Please. I think chill ra man ang mga babae sa ilaha. Naistorya man nako sila usahay. Kagahapon ra jud to na namalihog lang ko na pahinayan kay kusog jud. Amahan please. Proteksyon lang please. Dili man ko tarantado na tao. Wala man ko nagadungag og kalisod sa kalibutan. Gaskwela gani ko para bawasan. First ni nako na ma-threaten akong safety sa ani na extent. Amahan, please lang jud. You can read my heart man. You know me well as a person. Mao ra ni akong ampo sa imoha, Amahan, pinaagi sa imong bugtong na anak, si Jesu-kristo. Amen.

[losterthanlost]

April 20, 2024

Hello.

gusto nako magsuka. murag need jud nako og physical reboot. gusto nako mag ponder about sa akong recent ganaps sa life pero naa pa koy sci paps na need sulaton so naga traffic akong utok. galibog na ko unsa jud ang dapat himuon.

dati diay, magsulat ko diri kay karang step forward jud always ang atake. realizations realizations tapos naay conclusion sa end about sa dapat na mindset nako moving forward. naga grow jud ko dati. pero ang pag himo na nako sa akong mga entry since... ambot... 2022? kay dili na moving forward ang mindset. on the spot na lang. puro na reklamo and murag negative na kaayo.

hahays. kahilakon na sad ko.

unfair jud kaayo jud. as in unfair jud kaayo.

naga-sugod pa lang ko sa akong buhay. wala pa ko ka-graduate, wala pa koy katrabaho, ka minyo, maski uyab gani. wala pa jud ko katarong og establish sa akong kinabuhi. pero dili man lang ko matagaan grace. dili man lang ko seryosohon sa akong request na dili magsaba.

dugay na kaayo to. oo 2021 pa to. pero sakit jud gihapon isipon. wala naman unta ko gapangayo kwarta, dili pud ko dako og konsumo sa pagkaon. maka-assist pa jud ko sa pagkaon sa balay usahay. gitry jud nako na dili magdungag sa gastuhonon nila ato na time na pandemic walay klaro ang income. tapos grabe ilang reklamo sa mga chores na dili na nako mahimo on time during classes???

grabe. gahilak na sad ko. sakit jud kaayo sa dughan. pila ra man jud unta pagsabot na makahugas ko og plato on time atung wala pay klase pero dili na nako makaya atung naa nay klase. grabe jud. tapos ayha na mangayo pasensya sa akoa atung wala na koy dost??? 💔

late na jud kaayo oy. wala na tanan. maghilom ra jud unta sila, dili ko samokon, kung pwede kalimtan sa akong existence enough para dili ko i-mind if ever mura kog magyawyaw mag-isa. dili jud mahimo. sarili ra jud ang ginaisip.

[losterthanlost]

April 4, 2024

Hello.

you know that shitty feeling that my own mother wants me to fail. okay let this entry be a hate speech or something.

look. i'm tired. despite heavy discouraging happenings between me and my family, I was still hopeful before the start of this semester. now, during this reading break, it is once again a Thursday, and I am still not done writing my part for one acad req. i am halfway already but still this is supposed to be a one-day task only. but I am so fucking slow. the presence of my parents makes me want to vomit and die. she is the worst bitch in my life. i don't know why she is such a bitch. it finally got so bad I almost no longer feel sorry for her saying her work is exhausting. i know that. i understood that. but the harsh words and unnecessary bitchyness it's pissing me off I hate her at this point really. bitch of all the bitches. she kinda crazy too. and lying to herself. she complains we are expensive to feed and shit like that plus other hurtful words that just makes me want to die on the spot so that she won't have to feed us anymore but she still feeds us. i would rather her be honest to herself by leaving instead of being always here nagging pointlessly. i know that I will have a harder time managing my life if ever that happens but for sure i'd achieve a certain level of peace of mind that will make me not want to die anymore.

but of course I don't want to die.

[losterthanlost]

March 6, 2024

Hello.

Bago ra ko nahuman og hilak hilak session while ginaconvert ang mga m4a na downloads ni pader into mp3. tapos naghipos ko kuno gamay then nagdula ug 8ball pool. hahays.

so gusto lang nako iingon na wala na koy stable na friend na maingnan about ani na thoughts. dili jud ko ganahan basta solution dayon ang una maisip na response ng ginasharean ko ah. ayown lang. ako na lang ani. time na pud oy. cge ra kog rant murag boang.

[losterthanlost]

February 3, 2024

Hello.

Gosh. This is the first year where I haven't made an entry for the whole of January. Lots of things happened and I was also on a social media limit. As in, I am limiting myself from using any social media. I would only use Twitter and Facebook via browser and not via the apps. Now, I am using a fake Twitter app or a Twitter-esque notes app. I love it. Only used it for the whole Sunday and Monday and it really felt like a week passed by. This observation shows that I am already addicted to staying online. This fake app is very useful for keeping me on track.

Our 2nd semester will officially start on Monday. My plan is to finish my MinStud 1 pending requirements on the first week while my courses are less likely to go serious right away. Today is Saturday. This week was eventful. The online registration was the only stressful thing this week. Until now I am still not done with it. I am still waiting for two of my prerogs to be approved. My upper back and neck is hurting. I am also not eating well. I couldn't stay calm because the rules and schedules were still confusing the whole week until this morning. It's clear to me now. wew.

Speaking of this morning, there is something I want to share here but I am not sure if my future self will be okay with this. It's about my chem class classmate. He's a 4th year but in the same program. I kind of look up to him not just because he is considered an online class survivor but because he is also a thriver. Based on what he shared with us about himself and what I heard from others, I think of him as a model student. A few of these achievements were being the only student from their batch to be allowed to make a thesis topic under microbiology and to be our chem professor's thesis advisee. He is also among the very few in their batch to be personally picked by the institution where they had their OJT. That is freaking awesome if you ask me. So, other than his achievements, he is also safe and comfortable to be around and to talk to. Also, so far, he has the most hits in my ideal type list. hahaha. So, my desperate-to-have-an-inspiration-or-just-a-role-model-so-I-can-keep-wanting-to-face-life self had some kind of a crush on him the whole first semester. Now, back to this morning. Since February 1, I've been asking him and other people about all my confusion and worries regarding the registration. And my worries were a lot. Even after I sort of finalized my courses to take this semester, I was still worried about not confirming my enrollment on time. This morning, I asked him again if he was done enrolling, and he said he wasn't. Then I started to mention my worry about my prerogs. Then he replied that it's gonna be okay and that I don't have to worry. I light-heartedly apologized for worrying because this is from the brutal enrollment experience I had in my previous campus. Then he just assured me again by saying, "[But] Not here, Jane. It's gonna be okay."

My heart soared after reading those words from him! T^T. That convo is like my confirmation that among the love languages, words of affirmation are the best in making me feel nice. Though I believe that acts of service are the ultimate expression of love and care, that love language initially makes me feel sad and guilty instead of anything positive.

[losterthanlost]

Some words...

Before the year 2023 comes to an end, I just like to write everything that's going on my mind right now, with all honesty. Right now, at this moment I am sitting at my desk. I haven't finished a single homework nor started to study any subject. I did manage to finish 15 episodes of The Red Sleeve. But I am not going to talk about that now.

While eating breakfast, it came to my mind that, maybe, the reason I can no longer write a resolution list for the new year like I did back in 2020 or something, is because I feel like I'm at the end already. I feel like I've already realized all that I need to realize as a human. I don't say this arrogantly. I have no pride in my heart as I say this. I do feel stuck though. I used to tell myself, as a remedy for when I slack, that I have not met the roof of my potential yet. However, lately, I feel like I reached it already and I just overestimated myself for thinking it would be higher than this. Maybe this is the reason that I can no longer adapt to the current demands of my life. I can no longer keep up with the demands of college education.

I have another thought about this, too. While completing the data I needed for one of our lab reports, I suddenly realized that I am a perfectionist. The bad kind of perfectionist who never once achieved perfection. Our instructor only asked us to complete the data. It doesn't even have to be very accurate. I just have to understand the process of the activity and the significance of it in our field. That's all I need to do to finish it.

As of writing, I have not finished the report yet. All that is left for me to do is read the instructions again and note down in detail what I have to do with the data. The problem with this is that I do try to read it then I stop and think about the drama I'm watching then go watch it again. Then after watching, I talk about it in my Twitter account and then go through under the hashtags the thoughts of other people who watched the same episode. Then it's either I feel sleepy already or guilty, and I finally decide it's enough. But if the posts under the hashtags are too intriguing, it would be enough to convince me to play the next episode. Today, I just finished episode 15. I want to finish the last two episodes on New Year's Day. Or until I've done all my pending requirements. I should do that. I will feel empty again if I finish the episode before the semester ends. I will have nothing to look forward to anymore.

Right now, I'll be honest. I think, if my life ends now, it's okay. Another day alive means another day to eat, drink, use electricity, use water, take up space, breathe in oxygen, and breathe out carbon dioxide. Another day alive means more things consumed. It seems clear to me now that I have no scholarship anymore. All I have to do is submit my letter of appeal and then they will reply with a message that I am no longer a scholar. I have no choice but to ask my parents for money whenever I need anything. Imagine how embarrassing that is for my age. In situations like this, people will say I should just get a job. I can't do that. I can if I don't care about my studies. I'm still struggling with a slump that's been going on since 2019. I still haven't cured this. Although my feelings and views in life have improved since then, my skills only got worse.

Like I said earlier, I am struggling to write anything. Writing, especially in English, is a crucial skill in my life. Without it, I might not be able to reach graduation. However, seeing that I already wrote this much in full English, saying I don't know how to write anymore feels ironic. Maybe this entry is proof that I still can write. Maybe the problem really lies with my feelings and expectations of myself. [...]

While washing the dishes and listening to AI narration of everything I had written before this current paragraph, I thought about letting go of high school. As in, everything connected to my high school. I honestly have no desire to stay around them anymore. I would rather them forget about me so that if ever we meet again, they'll know me as whoever I am at that moment and will not associate me with who I was in the past. I am a different person now. Now, I treat my friends better, treat myself better, communicate my thoughts and feelings better, clean stuff better, socialize better -- really just know better.

However, I am also now the opposite of stellar. I can't survive simple quizzes without studying anymore. I am now at the same level as my average classmates in elementary. I don't say this to mean I look down on them. I don't. I really don't. But I think it added pressure on me to maintain my place. So now I want to get rid of this thinking. Thinking of levels; that there is a thing called levels. I am a different person now. I will have to start building myself with who and what I am right now, and no longer about who and what I am in the past.

[losterthanlost]

December 26, 2023

Hello.

another excuse entry just to procrastinate my lab report.

just want to say I am sick of the English language but still like it. however, I plan to write this entry in full English.

I just canceled my Spotify subscription yesterday. my premium will end on the 28th. I want to take a break from listening to music. I think I am overusing it to calm myself down in this annoying world I'm in. I want to stop feeling bitter. I want to be better. I want to cry. I want to go back to January 2022. [...]

I don't know how to write anymore. But maybe I just need to learn how to write a draft better. Every draft is perfect because all it needs to be is to exist, they say. I should follow that.

--- writing from December 27, 2023:

This entry is awfully short. The previous entry is short as well. What's wrong with me? I can't even finish writing down my dream. Those are dreams. It should be fun writing them, right? Why is writing becoming harder and harder for me? What the fuck even is the English language? No. Language is not the problem. I can't even write comfortably in my first language or in my own personal way of speaking. I can't. Materializing my thoughts into words is difficult for me now. I should stop worrying. I don't know the standard. I should be ready for any trouble that could come from my output.

[losterthanlost]

December 12, 2023

Hello.

so naghilak na sad ko ganina. hahaha. peste. sad mn

[losterthanlost]

November 21, 2023

Hello.

so walay f2f sa sts. balak nako i-drop na lang jud na na subject. kalaban na jud nako na na subject jud. as in. angery na jud ko ana na subject jud. naga-contemplate sad ko na i-drop ang fst 120. kay wala jud ko kaapas sa sci paps jud. jusko. ako gicheck sa curriculum, kung idrop nako ang fst 120 this sem and wala siya next sem, edi sa 1st sem sa 3rd year na nako makuha tapos magsabay sila sa fst 110. jusko. dili ko gusto kay murag lisod jud daw na ipag-sabay. i mean, gipagsabay man pud jud sa blockmates nako karon ang fst 120 ug fst 110, and nakaya sa mga pro-writers. naa gani isa sa ilaha na nag-enjoy pa gani.

[losterthanlost]

Hey btw I don't know who needs to hear this, but those adults telling you that your teen years are the best years of your life? Yeah I don't know what the hell they're smoking, either. I'm 29 and every once in a while I just sit here and think "man, it sure sucked to be 14. Glad I never have to do that again."

[losterthanlost]

you can start learning anything you always wanted at any point in your life. & how nice it is to remember that

#self reminder

[losterthanlost]

October 31, 2023

Hello.

galaba ko rn. ginapatuyok ang 2nd. while ga-laptop mag himo and basa sad ko para sa sci pap 1 sa fst 120. kahilakon na jud ko ay. feeling nako maging 4 ko ani na subject. :<. boang jud. as in jud.

willing ko dili makaadto sa surigao in exchange sa mahuman akong minstud 1 na inc ug makaprepare og tarong para sa 2nd year 1st sem na sinina and self and everything.

deputa jud sa katanan akong mama. bwisit jud siya sa akong buhay. wala na koy pake sa iyang upbringing kung biklon ko niya edi away derecho. deputa na babae jud.

pero kaya pa man ni basta masulat nako ang mga sci pap this kalag-kalag week. then bahala na ma-cram nako ang pagstudy. basta ang mga late reqs ra jud.

grabe wala jud ni-ubra ang inspiration na bigay ni ian ug mga blockmates nako. saba jud and world. hopefully noh karing dili nako pag abri sa facebook ug personal twt until december kay makatabang jud sa pagpaklaro sa akong pangutok.

gusto na nako iignore si mama. ug tanan saba sa balay. palaaway jud siya ay. as in palaaway jud siya. gusto ko ng peace. gusto ko ng assurance and clear support. pakyu jud makadahan ma. bwisit jud ka sa katanan jud. di ko ni bawion ever. if ever magbago ka in the future. edi nagbago ka. pero it will never change the fact na right now buang ka sa akong kinabuhi. sarili lang ang ginaisip. di ko man kasalanan ang mga nangyari sa kaniya. ginatry ko gani mag-intindi. pero ako di kayang intindihin.

lami na kaayo na mag stop existing na lang. para wala na silay gastuson. di naman din ako singilin ng dost niyan. wala na mastressan si mama na ungrateful na anak. si james na lang ang isipin nila. naa nay kwarto si james. mas oki jud para sa ilaha.

am I trying to escape? cguro? sana lang di ma-faze ang dalawang friends ko sa kaniya-kaniya nilang life once I'm gone. basta di na ko. gusto ko mareborn. dili ko ganahansa nawong sa akong mama. mas okay pa si papa kay nakaingon siya og murag apology. pero si mama jud wala. deputa jud sa katanan. kaya ra jud na uy na mag go about lang ko sa akong life while nakapuyo gihapon diri na dili need mag-istorya kay mama. pero ambot jud oy. dili jud siya kasabot ba. dili jud niya makuha na malain jud ang dagan sa istorya basta about na sa akong dost ug up and school in general. pero mag cge jud gihapon siya og pangutana. gamiton pa jud ang respeto kuno para sa ila aron lang mutubag ko sa pangutana nila about sa school.

dili gani ko gusto nganong di man sila kasabot? wala koy pake sa respeto respeto na na. kay dugay na ko nakafeel ug unfairness about ana. ang giask ra jud nako sa ilaha is maghilom pero dili jud nila mahatag sa akoa. amo na karon sa cge nakog hilak for almost 3 years na, naingani na ko. naguba na akong utok.

unsaon nako pag-manage sa akong sarili noh na dili maapektuhan sa presence ni mama? dili ko gusto makaistorya siya jud. dili sad k ganahan maski muagi lang sa iyaha dapit. samok jud siya jud. as in. bwisit jud siya. di na ko gusto makig reconcile sa iyaha oy. gikapoy na ko. gikapoy na jud ko.

magbanlaw na ko og sinina. gusto sad nako magearphones lang kada mugawas ko sa kwarto aron dili nako siya madungog.

[losterthanlost]

Massive fuck you to everyone who is talking about Palestinians as if we’re already all dead and sharing more solidarity with our corpses than us living. “We will never forget the beautiful Palestinian people-“ how about you stop “making peace” with Palestinian extermination. My people are not going to be forgotten because we are going to live. Palestinians have already survived one genocide and have been surviving one ever since.

Do not ever let the idea that all Palestinians are going to die exist in your mind. Mourn the dead, fight like hell for the living.

#THIS #thus best explains why I can't bring myself to share/repost all those artworks talking about never forgetting them like?? #LET'S NOT LET IT GET TO THAT POINT

[losterthanlost]

please read this entire piece

#gaza #palestine #free palestine #israel

[losterthanlost]

October 17, 2023

Hello.

reading break namo this week. tuesday na today. since saturday wala koy nasugdan sa akong gilista na mga backlogs. naa si mama sa balay. tapos cge siya og kanta. so restricted akong feeling so maong sa cgeg social media na lang ko naga exercise og freedom kuno. pero ang bad consequence is wala pa koy natapos na acad req maski tung sa nstp 1 lang unta. ugma kay wednesday so naa si papa whole day tapos magsaba2x pud to siya unya samok na sad to siya for sure.

naisip nako ganinang kadlawon ata na maong wala koy gana maghugas plato, and manglimpyo in general diri sa balay unless sarili nakong kalat, kay tungod akoang parents mga hipokritong dako. gusto nila limpyo daw perminte ang lamisa pero sila mismo limtan2x ilahang mga kinan-an ug mga tasa gigamit pangkape. like? pila ra man unta pagbutang ana sa lababo noh. nganong need pa man jud na ako ang mukuha? gibring up ko bitaw na kay papa dati unya ang tubag lang niya kay naa man daw mi para maghipos. bwisit jud. pangit sa feeling na ako pa perminte mag-isip og system sa paglimpyo sa mga bagay diri sa balay pero dili nila gusto sundon. dow mga deputa jud.

kapoy nako cgeg reklamo sa tinuod lang. gets ko naman na ako na ang in charge sa paghugas og plato. pero murag dili naman gud nako scope nang mga personal nila na hugaw na pwede ra jud unta sila na lang ang naghipos. pati nang ginareklamohan nako na mga panit sa prutas ba na dili ibilin sa lamisa or ilabay sa halo sa mga plastic na basura. dili jud sila magtimaan ba. damak kaayong mga tawhana. samok jud kaayo. unya recently lang nako narealize sad na hilig sila magtambak og basa na trapo sa maski asa. sa lababo, sa kusina sa may stove dapit, sa lamisa na ginakan-an namo. grabe jud. tapos magsalod2x diba sa tulo gikan sa ulan. sila lang na duha magcge tuyok2x sa gawas sa akong kwarto buong morning pero maski ibutang na lang sa lababo dili nila mahimo. or maski sila daw kuno ang maghugas sa plato pero itapok ra jud nila ang mga basa na trapo na nagamit nila sa may sabon dapit. unya ihalo-halo pa jud ang mga sabon. dili i-arrange ba. lain jud sila kaayo as in. tapos karang murag butanganan sa bareta na gihimo nako noh, pila na ka bulan nilabay wala gihapon nila nagets ang purpose ana ba. reklamo pa kuno si mama na mas dali daw mahilis ang sabon kung isulod og sudlanan. like BOGO BA KA?! mas dugay gani noh kay dili magkalat sa tibuok lababo ang sabon basta basa siya. yawa jud. pila ra man gud pagyabo sa maipon na tubig dinhaa kung kana iyang problema.

samok jud as in samok jud. maski ata karang maggamit og serving spoon dili nila masunod ba. kailangan pa nako sila i-remind always. mga pisti jud. conflicting ra ba kaayo sa akoa basta magreklamo ko og mga ingani about sa ilaha kay very forgiving ug conscientious ra ba kaayo ko. makonsensya ra baya jud ko after nako pag-taasan og boses akoang mga ginikinan. pero dili jud sila kasabot magcge jud og tuyok2x ulit2x amoang lalis ba. dili ra ba ko ganahan ana jud.

basi maabtan na lang ko og katulugon ani dili gihapon nako mahumana ng nstp 1 week 2. as I already mentioned, naa na sad si pader ugma. magpasounds na sad na siya ugma unya magcge og panampit na aron magluto murag watdapakers. basta ugma dili jud ko managad bahala na na sila dinhaa. saba kaayo na sila as in.

samok jud basta naa sila sa balay pero mas relieved ko kung naa sila sa balay at least kita jud nako na safe sila. pero ang samok lang jud kay dili sila considerate sa akoa ba. maski f2f na dili jud gihapon sila magka-initiative na maghilom ba. unya maski muingon ko na exam nako, murag funny pa sa ila ang reklamo nako. tung nag-ingon jud ko kay papa niana ra man kaha na siya na "ahh exam diay" tapos karang dow gamock na nod2x. makabwisit gud. ako gud siya gi-call out pero murag wala gihapon niya ko giseryoso. maulit na sad na. mga deputa jud sila as in.

[losterthanlost]

i am not living, i am waiting.

i was the child waiting for the perfect moment to use my stickers, to eat all my candy, to take my new toy out of its package and i grew up to be forever longing a time that never comes.

i grew up to watch that same time slip through my fingers and not be able to enjoy it because it wasn’t perfect. i needed to wait.

i’m waiting for my heart to pick someone to love so i can start caring about how i look in the mirror.

(they hurt my feelings.)

i’m waiting for someone to love me so i can write love letters to them with the prettiest words that cross my head.

(reading them back, i find them cliché)

i’m waiting for a good friendship so i can tell them jokes none else would ever get.

(they never laughed.)

i’m waiting for my enemies to start a fight so i can let out the anger in my chest.

(i regretted every word.)

i'm waiting for the spring to use my best dress, for the winter to use my best coat, for the autumn to enjoy watch the rain, for the summer to go to the beach. (the dress didn't fit, the coat was too much, the rain never came and i didn't get to go to the beach.) i'm waiting my father call me first to tell him how much i miss him. he never called.) i'm waiting for them to message me so i can apologize to them. (they blocked my number.) i'm waiting to find the perfect cake recipe to use the eggs in the refrigerator. (they went bad.)

i'm waiting the perfect sky for me to take a picture.

(it was too cloudy.)

'm waiting for the perfect night to use my favorite perfume and for the perfect day to watch once again my favorite movie. (the perfume lost it scent and the movie is no longer good to me)

i waited, and waited and when it finally happened it wasn’t dreamy. it wasn’t like i planned, maybe the time wasn’t right. maybe if i could just wait a little longer.

so one day i get to tell my grandchildren all the things i didn’t lived for but waited for, all times i didn’t live but waited. the memories that i could have but wasted.

the perfect moment don’t exist unless they insist.

i’m not living, i’m waiting.

by arabella (@amodernlovermadeofouterspace)

september 24th, 2023.

#what the fuck man 😭 #this is so beautifully written #i am in shambles #this is me #poetry #poets #writers #writers on tumblr

[losterthanlost]

September 23, 2023

Hello.

So naa nakoy na-late og submit na essays duha kabuok. dapat mahimo na nako tong duha. gagi man ni oy. tapos magstart sad ko sa fst 120. let's go.

hello it's 6:15 na and wala pa ko kasugod og him jud sa mga dapat himuon. depota ning tanan. manghipos na lang sa ko og kwarto. and mag-absent na lang sad ko sa chinese class cguro. ambot lang.