mariposamisteriosa-blog
Mariposa Misteriosa
A college student who loves writing!
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Working a Job
I
Money is essential, we crave it, we want it more than anything else in this world. Money doesn’t grow on trees as much as we want it to be. As we get older our parents won’t give us enough money to spend on the desires we want. One solution to our problem is working a job. A nine to five with random people you don’t know a thing about. How do you start looking for a job ? Online. Filling out job applications day and night wishing they call you back. Phone rings, as you answer the phone you realize it was a spam caller. You look like a fool waiting on a call that will never happen. The interview made it seem as if I was going to get a call back. I had a smile and my posture was perfect. It was their loss not mine.
II
Working looking at coworkers flirting with one another acting as though they don’t have their own girlfriends and boyfriends. I guess that’s what you call your boyfriend/ girlfriend. Having them not paying attention to what is going on around them. Looking at each other as though we don’t have stuff to cook. Making me rush and yell every time a new customer comes to complain about where their food is. I always wondered whether their significant other would figure it out and make a scene. It would be funny seeing them squawk for a guy that works at KFC. It isn’t none of my business but I mean how hard is it to do a simple job task. Wash dishes, take orders, and make the orders not so hard to do.
III
Having to work all week just to be treated as a rat who roams New York subway . Hearing the boss yelling as if I’m deaf or something when in reality she’s just a few steps away from my face. The anger rushed through my veins, boiled up and wanting to swing at her with all the anger in me. Her daughter is a manager yet always flirting with one of the cashiers that refuses to acknowledge her. Not only is being mommy’s favorite work in her favor but it’s against mine. Her hot breath in my face makes me want to smack sense into her so that I don’t feel threatened. I would love to quit this job in seconds if only I didn’t need money. One day I would make them pay just not now. Her calling me a whore knowing I’m nothing like her. Being a
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Unknown
Looking at the cars in front of me, I can’t stand waiting any longer. I take the keys out because there's no way I'm going to be waiting for this line to move. Brittany looks at me with a confused face and starts babbling about something but I dont give a damn what she has to say right now. I slammed the door behind me and walked away. She gets out of the car and starts yelling at me. I debated if I should turn around and talk to her but I refused. I Went towards the sidewalk and started walking. I didn’t care about the car anymore. Would it get towed ? Should I go back? No. I'm not waiting for that traffic that can’t even move an inch. As I was walking, I saw a field of tulips. They were her favorite flowers. I wanted to jump the fence and surprise her with them. She broke up with me months ago. I hated her. Why would she crush my heart into a billion pieces and just for her to get back with her ex-boyfriend. I felt so angry at the moment, I went down to my knees and fell on the floor. Hitting the concrete with my knuckles then started having bits of blood on them. I picked myself up and saw a man with fruit. I was hungry at this point, hoping I had a couple bucks on me and didn't leave it in the car. I searched my pockets for some change and was surprised I had a couple of bucks.
I walked up to the man, “ How much for a cup of fruit”
He replies, “ 10 dollars”
The man didn’t speak proper english, he talked just how my ma when she tries to talk in english
“ ¿Usted habla español ?” the man asked
“ Si, porque?” I replied, confused
“ Es que me hablo espanol y despues en ingles” he replied
I don’t remember talking in spanish in front of this man
“ Quiere chamoy y tajin? He asked
“ No, gracias”
He finished cutting my fruit and I payed the man and walked off
I didn't understand why I couldn't remember stuff. I start hitting my head with the palm of my hand. “Stupid. Stupid. Stupid”
This is why she left me. I probably said something bad for her to leave me. But no I couldn't because she was perfect. I see a police officer coming my way. I try to act normal so I won’t cause anymore problems for today. I just want to go home. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. From the corner of my eye, I see the cop stop the car and get out. I tried making sure I was acting right so there would be no problems. He walked right past me and I was relieved. I was hoping Brittany didn’t go to the cops about leaving her in the car without the keys. She was my rebound. She meant nothing to me. I decided I wanted to stop at the store for some liquor. My entire cash was gone because of the fruit but I decided I can just walk out with the beer. No one will notice anyways.
“ Jerry, is that you? “ a lady asked me
“ Do I know you?” I was confused and unfamiliar with the women
“ It’s me, Maria” she smiled slightly
“ Oh. Hey, Look I gotta go” I laughed nervously
“ Okay then” she sounded confused
We both walked away from each other and I realized I walked off with the beer in my hand. I hear yelling in the background but I simply just ignored it. Looking at the street I realized, I'm almost home. I can finally lay down and relax. That's until I saw red and blue lights coming in my direction. I was pulled into a police car. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I remember what I've done?
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Unrealistic Love
Am I crazy for doing this idiotic thing, I always teased everyone about how it’s useless to meet someone by an avatar app. I always wanted things to go back to how it was but nowadays it seems that no one wants that anymore. Instead of meeting my soulmate face to face it has to be like this.
“ Are you sure you wanna do this? You made fun of me when I went on that date with that hideous guy last week.” Said Rachel
“ How would you know if he was hideous? You only judge him because of his avatar, not what he actually looks like.”
“ Yeah Yeah. Anyways, aren't you excited about your date? This is your first time actually going on one of these dates. The whole I wanna find true love like the old times is so boring.” Said Rachel
“ To you but not to me”, she left the minute I said that. I didn’t want to go on this date either way. I hated this generation more than anything. Sadly everything has changed and things are just different from what they were before. I missed the parts where a girl is able to get ready for a date and make herself pretty but instead, I just have to make an avatar like it was a game that they had a long time ago. My phone started beeping, making me realize that my date is about to start in 30 minutes. My avatar was somewhat similar to me but not completely. My nose was prettier and well my body was much slimmer. I’m not the only one that lies on the Avatar app. Many people do it too and end up falling in love with each other either way so it doesn’t matter to me. *DING DING* My date is about to start.
“ Hello Beautiful, how are you? “ was the first words David told me once we were on the top of the Eiffel Tower
“ Hello, I’m fine thank you & yourself? “
“ Better, now that you’re here with me, “ he said
His Avatar has beautiful brown fluffy hair with hazel eyes. He looks like a good man but my thoughts know that this isn’t really real but fake. We aren’t really in the Eiffel Tower but both of us are in our houses in different states. I try shaking this feeling off and at least try to have a good night but everything just doesn’t seem right. I want more than just an Avatar date but a real pure date where he likes me for who I am and not for what my Avatar looks like. My thoughts get easily interrupted by the sound of his voice.
“ Are you okay? Mia? “ He said
“ Um, Yeah just a bit nervous this is my first time using the Avatar app so I'm getting used to it”
“ I didn’t know Im your first Avatar date but I’m completely honored,” he said
Maybe this was a mistake, I shouldn’t have come. I should leave, it's not like he’s going to know where to find me. We’ve only been talking for a couple of weeks. Nothing serious. I decided to give it a go and see how the date would go. He complimented me on how beautiful I look but that’s the thing that hurt me the most. I don’t necessarily look like my Avatar in real life. Would he never talk to me again if he found out what I really look like in person?
“ Would you like a cup of champagne?” he said. It's funny because we don’t necessarily actually drink the champagne but pretend we do. I looked around and nothing was real. The trees weren't real. The water wasn't real. The moonlight wasn’t real. Nothing around me was real. That’s when I knew in my heart that I can’t do this and it was time I told him the truth. My thoughts were interrupted by him.
“ Mia? Are you alright? You don’t really look too good? “ he said
“ I don’t think I'm ready for this date. I mean I don’t really know you”
“ What are you talking about? We’ve been talking for a couple of weeks. You know everything about me by now” he said
“ It’s not about talking, but I mean this date isn’t real. How do I know what you look like in real life? You could be a horrible person on the other side of this Avatar. “
“ What are you talking about? You know me! This is me! Why can’t you understand that I don’t want to hurt you? I like you for who you are! “ he said frustrated
“ I don’t feel that way. I want old love. Actually going on a physical date and going out to stores in REAL life not digital”
“ I didn’t know you felt that way. I wish you could have told me sooner,” he said sounding sincere
“I'm sorry but that’s just how I feel.”
“ Listen, I understand and with that being said I would like to actually physically go out with you” he said
“ Are you serious?” I said a bit confused
“ I told you, I like you for who you are not because of your Avatar but would you still like me? ” he said
A couple of months passed by and David saved enough money and was able to call some days off work to be able to travel to my state of Arizona. My first in-person date and I was nervous to the point I almost walked out of the house without shoes. We decided to meet at a small coffee shop and go off from there. The only thing on my mind was, what if I wasn’t good enough in person that he would immediately leave me the minute he sees me?
“ Hey, Mia” He stares into my eyes with his beautiful hazel eyes.
He was perfect. We ended up talking for hours that day. We ended up getting married in the future and my one wish did come true. I was able to meet and love someone just like the good old days.
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The Things They Carried
We were kids coming from a small town. Everyone knows everything about each other whether we like it or not. Our group is a mess but all popular kids are a mess. We all have secrets that we never share with each other or else it would spread around town like a disease. Delilah is the sweet, clever, and pretty girl of the group. We call her the mom of the group, Ricky is athletic, basically the jock of the group, he tends to be very social with everyone around him. Erick is geeky but overall a good guy that I had once dated when we were middle schoolers. Being friends for years we know more about each other than our own parents knew. Delilah, my best friend, was the one everyone could count on. She would wear a necklace around her neck wherever she would go. No one besides the group knew why. Her grandmother, bless her soul, was killed right in front of her. Her last words to her were, “ I’m always with you” and taking the necklace off and handing it to her. Ever since that day she always made sure to text the group chat to make sure we were safe at all times. Ricky, the strong and careless as everyone would say but sadly there’s more to him than anyone knows. Ricky carries a 5inc blade at all times, some say he's crazy and is a serial killer but they don’t know anything about him. When he was 5 years old, he was raped by a guy that was living in the neighborhood and he ended up kidnapping him. They never found out who it was. His family decided to keep it to themselves and not have the town know about the rapist. He doesn’t want it to happen again and now he’s not a child so he’s able to defend himself against anyone that tries to hurt him or anyone else. Erick always carries an inhaler in his bag or pocket wherever he goes it goes with him. Once when he was running a mile for P.E. his lungs gave up and he didn't have his inhaler with him. To this day he is still very much traumatized which is why he always has it on him. Me, what about me? My love for Erick was strong and loyal. For our 1 year anniversary, he gifted me a beautiful ring with our initials on it. The day he gave it to me I swore I would never take it off because my love for him was eternal. I knew we were kids but we're young adults and my love for him had grown bigger and stronger than it has before. Some may say my ring is childish and I should take it off but to me it means everything. My friends know me deeply just like I know them. Our secrets are exclusive to one another. Some may not understand what we have gone through and why we carry such things but towards the end we only have each other to lean on. We may get judged by these objects but to one another we know the meaning. The meaning of why a strange group of people gets along so well. All of us are a bunch of young adults still scared of what the world has in store for us. Delilah, Ricky, and my dear Erick we may be childish and scared of what may come next but I know we will stay true to each other because at the end of the day we know secrets that can be easily spread around town and that is something that will ruin us for eternity.
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OH Dipty!
In the forest, Dipty and Monty are gathering flowers for lunch. They hear a strange noise coming from the willow tree. They flew terrified but Dipty was a brave fairy.
“Monty, I want to see what it is, ” she said as her wings twinkled.
“ No, Dipty, what if it’s a beaver? He’s going to eat us” Monty said, shaking
“ We won’t fly down, Promise Monty”
“ Fine” said angrily
As both the fairies fly close to the floor but not down they see a sheet covering some strange creature. They refused to fly down so they waited until the creature itself showed itself.
“ A BABY '' screamed Dipty, she flew in circles very excited. Monty was not excited but disgusted about the creature.
“ Can we keep it Monty? Oh boy. Oh boy. Pleaseeee” she yelled desperately. Monty looked at Dipty with a confused and disgusted face. Thinking of choking her because absolutely not will he take care of this ugly creature.
“ Are you insane, we leave it here so the bear can eat it.” He said proudly.
“ Monty we can’t leave this baby here, I promise to take care of it” she said
“ I said NO, now let's go back home” Monty took off
All I wanted was to take care of the poor critter. Some humans had left it there to survive on its own. Monty said humans were bad people and if we bring the baby with us it might turn against us. Us fairies hate humans, all they wanna do is tear our home apart but I have a good feeling about the baby in the woods. While making la cena I came up with the best idea ever. We ate the flowers that night and I was peacefully waiting for Monty to go to sleep. He fell asleep in the cozy mushroom. I decided I was going to bring the baby and hide it from Monty. It can’t be that hard. Humans do it. I take my leaf bag with some essentials just in case I see a beaver. I fly my way hoping the baby is still there and no bear has eaten him yet. I finally arrived where the baby was and BOOM he’s still here. I jumped and danced happily knowing the baby was safe. He's pretty heavy. It will take me all night to take him home. OH GOLLY.
The sun was almost coming out and I was finally home. The baby was so heavy. Heavier than the rock we planted yesterday. I gave the baby some strawberries and enjoyed it. I hid him underneath the banana tree and covered him with the leaf until Monty went to find some fruit for the day. I was pretty tired and wanted to sleep next to the baby until I heard Monty yell,
“ Dipty, WHERE ARE YOU?”
“ I'm right here, behind the mango tree” I quickly flew near the mango tree
“ Where were you all night?, I didn't see the firefly that you use” he said confused
“ Oh, I went for a walk” I said
“ Late at night? But you don’t like to go alone” he said confused
“ I wasn’t alone” she smiled but quickly faded away when she realized what she said.
“ Who were you with then ?” curiously he said
“ I was with my umm bumblebee “ nervously she said
“ Oh okay, well off to cut some fruit I'll be back before the sun goes down. “ monty said
“ yippy , see you later monty” I said, I Dipty hugged him goodbye and waited until he fully left.
Once I wasn’t able to see Monty I quickly went to check on the baby. It was bold. That’s silly. I made a hat from some banana leaves and flowers. It was making some weird noises. LOUD noises. It was what humans call crying. That's a weird word for llorando. I heard Betty ringing our beetle so I quickly went to check but first I covered the baby. I opened the door for my amiga.
“ Hola Betty “ I said happily
“ Hola Dipty, have you heard that noise? Everyone wondering what it is” she said concerned
“ What noise? I haven't heard anything” I said nervously
“ Dipty, que es ese sonido ? What are you hiding?” she said questioning me
“ nothing, Betty NOTHING” I yelled out “ Fine, you can look but please please dont tell”
“ I won’t tell, twinkle promise” she said happily
“ twinkle promise, Monty doesn’t know about it so please shhhhh”
“ I said twinkle promise “ she smiled
I took Betty to the banana tree and took the leaves off the baby.
“ TADA” I yelled proudly
“ IS THAT A BABY , HUMAN A HUMAN ?” she yelled confused
“ CALLATE” I yelled scared “ Calm down please”
“ Wha- wha- Why?” she looked concerned
“ It was alone and it needed help “ i said
“ Let me calm down” betty kept walking back and forth
“ Please be quiet” I said
“ I don’t know what made you do this but I'll help you” she said proudly
“ OH BOY OH BOY, Thank you” I said, jumping up and down
The baby did something nasty and we had to carry out water buckets to bathe the baby. It kept smiling at us. Made us both very very happy. We found it was a girl. We decided to name her “Twinkie”, I still can’t imagine how a human would leave their own baby, they really are horrible people. Human grown ups are really really bad.
“ WHAT IS THIS DOING HERE DIPTY” Monty yelled
“ I thought you were getting fruit” I said terrified
“ I came home early, Dipty was is this doing here” he repeated again
“ I should go home” said Betty, flying back to her house
“ Dipty, answer my question” Monty said
“ I didn’t want the bear to get Twinkie” I smiled nervously
“ Twinkie? You gave it a name” Monty said
“ She is a good human. Adult humans are horrible. Please trust me” I said
“ Fine Dipty, but you'll take care of it” he said, I smiled and hugged him so tight
The door beetle was ringing and I saw many fairies outside our home. What if they come to take the baby away from me. I was so so scared.
“ We came to help” said Betty
“ OH BOY OH BOY, THANK YOU GUYS” i yelled cheerfully
Everyone helped out to take care of the baby, Well she’s not a baby anymore she’s what humans call 4 years old. She helps us so much on getting stuff done. We love Twinkie. I love Twinkie so much.
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White Drops
My normal days tend to be where my perfect spot is, Next to the guava tree. The sun shines bright in my direction but with the help of my best friend Guava. Her shade helps me by not catching too much heat. My owner takes great care of me and makes sure my pedals get the best treatment. She loves to talk to me and shows me great love and how much I mean to her. She says I remind her of her mother and says Lilies were her favorite flowers. When it gets cloudy and rainy I get the perfect amount of rain drops. Guava guards me with her branches to make sure I don’t get ruined completely by the shower. When it doesn’t rain my owner gives me the right amount of water, not too much and not too little. I am used to only two types of weather, rain and hot days. I never knew my life could change in a matter of seconds.
It was cloudy, my owner was out of town and asked her daughter to check up on me. Like she would care about me. It happened so unexpectedly and fast that I felt like I was freezing to death. One day, the clouds looked darker than usual but realized it must be a heavy rain when suddenly I felt a white drop on my head and didn’t understand if it was Guava flowers or if it was in my head. It felt cold at the touch and that frightened me. It was during the winter but it wasn’t hale I'm used to hale this was different. As minutes passed I felt another white drop on my leave but soon after it felt like it was raining. The white drops kept coming faster and it wasn’t just a couple of drops but several. I looked at the grass in front of me and realized it started to look white and not green. Rain doesn’t do that.
Coldness was covering the air and I felt as though I was going to freeze to death and I couldn’t do anything about it. The breeze made it even colder for me. I was scared, I never once experienced this type of weather. My pedals started freezing and with the cold breeze, one by one kept falling. Guava branches weren’t protecting me enough. It was as though I knew this was the end for me and I couldn’t get to say goodbye to my owner. What will she think happened? Will she blame Guava for not protecting me like usual? The grass kept turning white and I knew this wouldn’t end well.
My leaves had white drops that didn’t go away and that made me colder and colder. I was sad and felt myself becoming heavy from the coldness. It felt as though I was going to break and this time I wouldn’t be able to grow again for her. Will my disappearance damage her? I felt sleepy and decided to close my eyes.
A couple of days passed, and my owner was changing me into different pots to make sure it was perfect for me. She called it snowing and said things like that never happened. I was okay and I was still chilly but she took me inside for a couple of days and made sure I was safe. That summer she put me next to Guava and I knew if it wasn’t for her and her branches I wouldn’t be here today. Who knew it could snow in California?
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What Could Have Been
As we enter our apartment door I know things between us have been rocky but I don’t want to see her go. We have been arguing over little things and how none of us are trying to make it work but I am. I do everything she asks me to do, why can't she see that? Does she not love me anymore?
“ You're not even listening to me, and you expect me to stay” she heads into our room, She looks at me and rolls her eyes. She tends to look beautiful even when she’s completely furious with me. The way her nose twitches when she’s upset or when she rolls her eyes at me she’s still the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my eyes on.
“ Leslie, please don’t go,” I said. She drops the clothes in her hand and looks up at me. Her eyes were completely red and watery. I remember when we first had a deep conversation about her past relationship on how he was abusive to her. That was the first time I ever saw her cry and all I wanted to do was make her happy in any possible way but seeing her cry in front of me it only made me more upset with myself on how we ended up here.
“ Now you want me to stay, I love you Phil but i'm not doing this again with you”, she continues to gather her stuff in her suitcase. I never had the words to express my feelings for her as often as she wanted me to but when I want to, nothing tends to come out. I follow her around the apartment and pick up her suitcase so she’s able to stay longer.
“ Give it back, I'm leaving” she said
“ Can you stop, listen we can work something out okay, we don’t have to end it here”
She giggled, “ Are you serious? Phil, when do you express your love to me? I tell you I love you hundreds of times. I tell you the way I feel and what do I get from you? Nothing, absolutely nothing” she said, holding back tears.
“ I'm sorry, you know how hard it is for me, but I show my love. Remember when I took you to the fair and won you that big teddy bear you wanted. I did it to make you happy. I did it because the minute I saw you smile I knew it was worth every dollar I spent on the game” I said , She smiled for a second but nothing came out. She took a deep breath and looked at me once more.
“ I know but sometimes I need to hear the words and not experience it. Phil, when we were in college I fell deeply in love with you the minute you were helping me throw up in the toilet because I couldn't hold my liquor but there's time when I need more than that. You never tell me you love me in front of your friends or family. I'm sorry but I need more.” She grabs the suitcase from me but I refuse to give it to her.
“ Please don’t make this harder than it already is.” she sighs, Looking at her i'm reminiscing on the time we would go to the beach house with her family and her saying those exact words but in a different meaning. It was us playing volleyball with her cousins and we were on opposite teams. I miss the time where it was just us hanging out and doing our own stuff. Walking on the beach, going to the boardwalk, and the most fun was sneaking out the house to get ice cream from the boardwalk.
“ Hear me out at least, I get it. I know I don’t tell you how much I love you but I tell you in so many other ways. Remember when we spent time together at the beach or when I gave you airplane tickets to go see your family. I may show my love differently but that doesn’t mean I don't love you.” I look at her and wait to see the expression on her face but it's blank.
“ I love that you did that for me but I want you to be able to tell me you love me. I want you to tell me how beautiful I am. I want you to hug me, hold me. Protect me“ she said. Many thoughts were in my head but I couldn't say them. She then comes up to me and slowly takes the suitcase away from me. She finishes packing her stuff and slowly walks up to me once more.
“ Phil, maybe in the future we can be together once again. By that time maybe you'll figure out how to show your love in different ways” she said,why couldn't I be better for her?
“ So that's it, you're gonna throw away everything.” I'm frustrated because I show my love for her everyday. The apartment was her idea and I moved with the thought of us being together forever.
“ When we moved into this apartment I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with you. I had to nail in pictures of us around the apartment because you wanted me to. I do everything for you. Just for you to turn your back on me” I said angrily.
“ It's not about you giving me stuff or doing things I ask you to. I told you many times I just want you to tell me you love me. Express your feelings for once. You're supposed to love me in front of everyone, not in private. Everytime we hang out with your family, you hate that I hug you or want to cuddle you in front of everyone” She walks to the living room and takes down all the photos we had of each other up.
“ Are you happy? Now you don’t have to love me in private anymore because we are done” she starts to walk to the door.
“ When you learn to express your feelings and actually are able to love me in front of everyone then we can talk but for now, love yourself first” she walks off slamming the door behind her.
What she said last was what broke me, I didn’t try hard enough for her. I hated that about myself. Now I'm in this apartment all by myself with memories that are slowly fading away. Do better.
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Mi Pobre Corazon
Mija, Perdoname
Pain will enter your life,
No fue tu culpa
I wish I’m able to hug you
Se Fuerte
You have no idea what pain really feels
Tu Puedes
I’m sorry, for what I did to you
Mija, Perdoname
Be strong, you’ve always have been
Siempre fuistes
Pain goes away, Te lo prometo
Never have we doubted
Tenemos nuestra alma buena
You will grow, we have matured
Si podemos
I wish I can stop time
Pero no podemos
I don’t want your dreams to be crushed
Vaz estar trieste mija
You will cry, and not because you fell
Perdoname por el daño
Heartbreak, betrayal, losing
Vas a Perder
You will be happy again
Te lo Prometo
I promise it will never happen again
Ay, Mi Pobre Corazón
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My Brown Skin
My Brown skin
Age seven , couldn’t wear pink
Didn’t look good on brown skin
‘’Morena’’
Age eight, don’t wear bright colors
It won’t look good
Don’t look at my arms
Wore anything with sleeves, didn’t want my arms to show.
‘’Morena’’
Dark colors are my best friend
Navy blue, won’t stand out
Black, matches everything
White, does not look good on my brown skin
Morenas don’t look good in white
Proud Mexican but desire to be lighter
Don’t stay out to long in the sun mija
You may gain more color
That can’t happen.
Locked in my room because I don’t want to be darker
Siblings light skinned, why not me?
I wish I was able to wear pink.
I just wanted to play outside.
I was a kid, and insecure about my skin.
I love my brown skin
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My Love Letter to Starbucks
As I step into your presence
Your breath meets my gaze
Frozen by your delight
You give me reasons to stay
Strip me down, just so I can drown
Wasting life savings, reassuring your stay
Take away my sorrows, with your taste
You see my scars, yet I stay
Light ice and no berries
Take me to paradise
Grande or large, Get it right
Winter or summer. You will be mine
Strawberry acai, you bring me paradise
Pink drink makes the sun bright in the dark times
You're the poison to my ivy
Yet you're the sun to my light
Will our kingdom rise
Or would you fool me with lies
My love is eternal
If I rise once again, my loyalty will remain.
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The Wrongs
The day after Dylan and I broke up, it was the worst. I ate ice cream from the bin with a spoon. I didn’t take a shower or brushed my hair. I never left my apartment that whole day. All I thought was how we ended things and how it was his fault we ended up. The break up was the worst and the best thing that happened to me. Dylan and I were the perfect couple until the end of college. He was always so busy with work and school that he never had time for me.
“ You don’t have time for me anymore” I said
“ What are you talking about, every time I’m not busy I’m always with you “
Frustrated, I said “ It’s not enough” I quickly left his apartment slamming the door behind me.
That night I decided it was best to hangout by myself so I had a couple drinks. I went to a bar near campus and met this guy named Pedro. He was handsome and sweet and gave me all the attention I desperately needed and wanted. We would always go out when Dylan was at work. Pedro was in the same college as us and was able to still have time for me. One time we almost got caught by one of Dylan's friends but we ended up covering it up.
“ Hey Amanda, where’s Dylan and who’s this ?” Tiffany replied confused
“ Hey my name is Pedro, I’m Amanda’s cousin, nice to meet you “
I smiled knowing he was willing to cover up our scandal.
“ Yeah, he just came from Florida” I said and smiled at her
“ Oh okay, we’ll hope you and Dylan are okay and nice to meet you Pedro” she walked away and didn’t suspect a thing.
When that happened we ended up not meeting at the bar but a place at the park. Dylan was never around as much as I wanted him to. Everything was off when I met Pedro. Dylan would ignore me and not want to be with me as much. I figured he knew about me going behind his back but I was wrong. He was working overtime to be able to buy me a bag that I really wanted. I felt bad about going behind his back that I stopped talking to Pedro. The guilt was horrible but I decided it was best to keep it to myself. After a few weeks, Dylan went back to working and not having enough time for me. I decided to meet with Pedro again for a couple of months until Dylan himself saw us kissing behind the tree. Pedro would kiss me with this passionate love that made me feel seen and wanted.
Angrily Dylan yelled “ what the hell are you doing“ pushing Pedro and looking at me with his angry eyes.
“ Baby, I’m sorry. I thought you were working. It was a mistake “ I said
“ A mistake is forgetting to do something, I was out here trying to find you a gift for our anniversary and I see you kissing a guy” he starts to shake his head and he walks straight to Pedro and punches him in the face.
I yelled, “ Don't hurt him, he didn’t do anything wrong” Pedro then left furious about the fact he got punched in the face.
Dylan looks back at me with a confused look and it quickly changed to anger
he yelled, “ We’re done” and walked off, I chased him to the car.
I desperately say “ Please, I’m sorry just hear me out please”
“ Hear you out ? Okay, shoot. Why did you lie to me all this time? How long has this been going on ?” He said angrily
As I calm myself down I say “ You don’t love me anymore Dylan “
“ What the hell are you talking about ? I love you more than anything and then I see you kissing a dude. I’m done bro”
He got into his car and drove away. Part of me wanted him to forgive me but I knew he wouldn’t. Dylan was too good for me and it killed me. Not only was he the best boyfriend I ever had but someone who loved me.I knew that he loved me but he never paid attention to me anymore. Ever since he got the new job, he was always so busy. I had a reason to cheat on him. I only saw him for an hour everyday which was never enough for me. We didn’t even text often, he was always so busy and I wanted more. As I sat in bed with another bucket of ice cream I realized it wasn’t my fault. I deserved a man that gives me all his attention and love. I made the right decision even though it may not feel right at the moment.
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The Solutions to Amanda’s Problems
Solution #1
Mariam has done absolutely nothing for the past week. She doesn’t look at the files on her desk and expects me to do it. Even though I have absolutely no idea what they mean . Never in my life have I ever witnessed such a lazy worker. Sometimes I just want to slap her and walk off while quitting and punching her mom. If I do, will I go to jail? Or worse they would take my kids away. I'm not perfectly stable but my kids are still clothed and fed. This is the only job that pays me well. I can’t take that risk.
Solution #2
I can walk into the office and go straight to Mariam and with the glass flower vase I can hit her in the head. After, I would go into the boss office and with the pot on her desk I could simply hit her in the head. Wouldn't that be sweet of me? Both mother and daughter won't suffer over each other but simply go to the afterlife together. I can quickly go back to my shitty apartment and grab the kids and flee to another country. No one will know where we are. It can easily be done but what about my mother? Won't she worry? I can’t hurt my mom even if she’s a horrible person.
Solution #3
What if I do kill them both? I'll be happy. The hell those two put me through hell. If they take my kids? What if they go to better homes? They can have a family where they have a dad, siblings, a dog, and a mom. They can have a pool in the backyard with many toys to play with. I can’t give them that. I have to work several jobs just to take care of them. I love them too much to ever let go. I'll miss birthdays.
Solution #4
I can quit my job. If I quit my job I can get a husband that will pay for everything. I can live off him and he can give my kids everything they want. My life can be so much easier if there was a man that can give me the world. I can’t go back to that life. Having men pay for doing everything they ask for. I can’t. I felt pain. I truly can’t deal with the fact that they call me names and make me feel less of myself. But what if one of them actually falls in love with me? Won’t that fix everything? I can’t put my kids through more pain.
Solution #5
I'll have to push forward. My kids are the reason I do what I do. Whatever they ask me to do I will do it. If bringing them coffee every hour makes me keep my job then so be it. If she says something mean about my outfit even though I just got out of working from Taco Bell so be it. I won’t lose my kids over two women who are miserable with their own life’s. I will go to the office with a smile on my face because that’s how happy my kids make me. I won’t let them down this time, not again.
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House Sitting (Pt.2)
As I was done eating, I cleaned my dishes that I dirtied and put his dry dishes away. I walked back into the living room with Brownie following me. I saw a picture book and was curious so I grabbed it and sat on the couch. As Brownie jumps onto the couch I open the book that's labeled “ My Best Friend, I love you” I open it and see pictures of him and another girl and I felt as though my heart dropped and my eyes started watering. My thoughts got to me as I remembered how close we were. Sleepovers, going to the pumpkin patch, going to the mall, going to get food, and our favorite thing of all was celebrating Christmas together. I closed my eyes for a couple minutes and got up to put the book back. I was jealous of them. I hate this feeling. I got up and started walking to the kitchen door that leads to the backyard. When I got Brownie from outside I didn’t notice the blossom tree that we planted when we were 7. I walk up to it and see our initials that we carved into the tree. I sat on the grass with Brownie on my lap, I closed my eyes and smiled to myself. We both went our separate ways but life brought us together again. Maybe not as best friends but it's a start.
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House Sitting (Pt.1)
Walking into the light blue house, remembering when it was a cocoa brown. Looking at the front yard and remembering how last time I was here it was pure dirt and is now covered in plants. Entering the house that smells like old furniture but feels homey. Looking at the living room wall and seeing pictures of people I've never seen before. They were probably new family members. Remembering when it was only a couple of photos of the brothers and now seeing women and children. He removed the TV that was so old that only the video home system ( VHS) worked. He ended up upgrading to a flat screen. It was so horrible we had to watch old cartoons with horrible images. Walking into his bedroom I see his Spider-Man poster that he loved so much. Not understanding how it's still up with just the tape we put in the back after going to Target to buy it. Looking at his bedroom wall I see pictures of people he’s friends with and posing with him. I remember when we would cut our pictures and hang them in the same spot. I miss when it was just us. His bins are gone and has upgraded to a dresser. The floor is not carpet anymore but hardwood with a gray rug. His bible poster is still in the same spot it was. Walking out of the room and into his bathroom looking at how the walls were blue but now white. His toothbrush has always been the color black and till this day stays the same. Opening the bathroom cabinet and seeing female hygiene. Remembering when I would suggest the items and him absolutely loving it. Walking out the bathroom and back into the living room and realizing there was a small photo of us near the cross. Both of us loved to pray together which made me have this loving feeling. He never forgot about me which made me think, why did we stop being best friends? Was it him? Or was it me? As I made my way into the kitchen, I heard a bark coming from the backyard. Opening the kitchen door I see the fluffy white puppy from a few years ago. Her name tag says Brownie . I remember when he got the dog and him completely falling in love with her. We named her brownie because we were eating brownies when we got her. I go down and pick her up, leading us back into the house in the kitchen. As I put her down I head to where the gray bin is labeled kibble. I grab the pink scoop and scoop out 2 pounds of kibble and put it into the pink bowl that is labeled Brownie with a red heart. As she was eating her food I headed into the kitchen myself to grab myself some food. I opened the fridge to look for some minute maid. It was his favorite. Sadly there wasn't any, but instead I found some orange juice. I closed the fridge and opened up one of the upper cabinets for cups when I saw that he still had our best friends cup that had spongebob and patrick on them. I was Patrick and he was Spongebob. I grabbed my cup and opened the freezer to get ice when I looked closer and saw that there wasn't any in a bag but ice molds. I filled up my cup with orange juice and opened up another cabinet that used to be the snack “bar” is what we would call it. I saw some nerds, hot cheetos and some gummy bears which are my favorite.
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High School Reunion
It’s been years since I've seen my classmates. None of us really liked each other. As I look at myself in the car mirror one last time. I breathe in several times to make sure I look calm enough. I got out of my car and slowly started entering my high school reunion. I breathe once more and start walking through the halls remembering how awful my high school year was. Once my classmates see how successful I am they will regret not being friends with me. I see the cheap blue strings hanging at the door of the gym and laugh at myself. I walk into the gym slowly and my heart starts racing like 90 miles a minute. I make my way to the name tag desk and I’m looking for my name tag as I see Krissy. Not only did she bully me my whole life she made my life miserable. My nerves kicked in and I wanted to tell her off so bad about the new job I got. I couldn’t though. I was still that geek in the hallways. I felt so nervous when she looked at me and didn’t recognize who I was . How dare she, she would bully me everyday for not having the best clothes in school. That’s where my life started going downhill. Sophomore year was the worst, I still remember having to eat lunch alone in the bathroom because of how awful she would treat me. I would cry the entire lunch hour and not a single person would check up on me. Seeing everyone talk to their old friends made me feel more anxious on how people would treat me now. Would they still see me as a freak or a successful woman? I can’t take that risk of someone remembering me. I walked out of the gym and into the girls bathroom. I looked at the mirror and started to get flashbacks of the times I would come here to cry. My eyes started to water and my makeup was horrible. I can’t do this. I started walking to the parking lot and trying to find my car until I realized that this would be the last time I walked into that school. I promised myself I wouldn’t back out but the nerves and the anxiousness I feel when people see me and talk to me is something I can’t deal with. My anxiety got the best of me. My past got the best of me. I started driving home and I won’t go back there again.
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Love Languages (pt.4)
“ Please don’t make this harder than it already is.” she sighs, Looking at her i'm reminiscing on the time we would go to the beach house with her family and her saying those exact words but in a different meaning. It was us playing volleyball with her cousins and we were on opposite teams. I miss the time where it was just us hanging out and doing our own stuff. Walking on the beach, going to the boardwalk, and the most fun was sneaking out the house to get ice cream from the boardwalk.
“ Hear me out at least, I get it. I know I don’t tell you how much I love you but I tell you in so many other ways. Remember when we spent time together at the beach or when I gave you airplane tickets to go see your family. I may show my love differently but that doesn’t mean I don't love you.” I look at her and wait to see the expression on her face but it's blank.
“ I love that you did that for me but I want you to be able to tell me you love me. I want you to tell me how beautiful I am. I want you to hug me, hold me. Protect me“ she said. Many thoughts were in my head but I couldn't say them. She then comes up to me and slowly takes the suitcase away from me. She finishes packing her stuff and slowly walks up to me once more.
“ Phil, maybe in the future we can be together once again. By that time maybe you'll figure out how to show your love in different ways” she said, why couldn't I be better for her?
“ So that's it, you're gonna throw away everything.” I'm frustrated because I show my love for her everyday. The apartment was her idea and I moved with the thought of us being together forever.
“ When we moved into this apartment I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with you. I had to nail in pictures of us around the apartment because you wanted me to. I do everything for you. Just for you to turn your back on me” I said angrily.
“ It's not about you giving me stuff or doing things I ask you to. I told you many times I just want you to tell me you love me. Express your feelings for once.Your supposed to love me in front of everyone not in private. Everytime we hang out with your family, you hate that I hug you or want to cuddle you in front of everyone” She walks to the living room and takes down all the photos we had of each other up.
“ Are you happy? Now you don’t have to love me in private anymore because we are done” she starts to walk to the door.
“ When you learn to express your feelings and actually are able to love me in front of everyone then we can talk but for now, love yourself first” she walks off slamming the door behind her.
What she said last was what broke me, I didn’t try hard enough for her. I hated that about myself. Now I'm in this apartment all by myself with memories that are slowly fading away. Do better.
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Love Languages (pt.3)
As we enter our apartment door I know things between us have been rocky but I don’t want to see her go. We have been arguing over little things and how none of us are trying to make it work but I am. I do everything she asks me to do, why can't she see that? Does she not love me anymore?
“ You're not even listening to me, and you expect me to stay” she heads into our room, She looks at me and rolls her eyes. She tends to look beautiful even when she’s completely furious with me. The way her nose twitches when she’s upset or when she rolls her eyes at me she’s still the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my eyes on.
“ Leslie, please don’t go,” I said. She drops the clothes in her hand and looks up at me. Her eyes were completely red and watery. I remember when we first had a deep conversation about her past relationship on how he was abusive to her. That was the first time I ever saw her cry and all I wanted to do was make her happy in any possible way but seeing her cry in front of me it only made me more upset with myself on how we ended up here.
“ Now you want me to stay, I love you Phil but i'm not doing this again with you”, she continues to gather her stuff in her suitcase. I never had the words to express my feelings for her as often as she wanted me to but when I want to, nothing tends to come out. I follow her around the apartment and pick up her suitcase so she’s able to stay longer.
“ Give it back, I'm leaving” she said
“ Can you stop, listen we can work something out okay, we don’t have to end it here”
She giggled, “ Are you serious? Phil, when do you express your love to me? I tell you I love you hundreds of times. I tell you the way I feel and what do I get from you? Nothing, absolutely nothing” she said, holding back tears.
“ I'm sorry, you know how hard it is for me, but I show my love. Remember when I took you to the fair and won you that big teddy bear you wanted. I did it to make you happy. I did it because the minute I saw you smile I knew it was worth every dollar I spent on the game” I said , She smiled for a second but nothing came out. She took a deep breath and looked at me once more.
“ I know but sometimes I need to hear the words and not experience it. Phil, when we were in college I fell deeply in love with you the minute you were helping me throw up in the toilet because I couldn't hold my liquor but there's time when I need more than that. You never tell me you love me in front of your friends or family. I'm sorry but I need more.” She grabs the suitcase from me but I refuse to give it to her.
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