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Araw ay binilang.
Bawat gabi'y dumaraan.
Hapdi ng kahapon ay hindi malimutan.
Bawat pasakit ay nananatiling sugat.
Hindi mawawala.
Hindi maglalahong bula.
Kahit patuloy kalimutan ay walang magagawa.
Magpaka-busy man ay wala.
Ang sakit ay bumabalik.
Pighati ay nasa isip.
Gustuhin mang kalimutan ay sadyang hindi mapalis.
Sana'y munting ala-ala'y maglaho na.
Hiling ng puso't isip maging ng kaluluwa.
Isabuhay ang hinaharap.
Iyon lang at wala nang iba.
Pakiusap kong ito'y nawa'y pagbigyan na.
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That’s It!
We’ve been together for three years and we had ended our relationship for about two years now. For the past months I was still confused of what should I do. Anong gagawin ko? Mahal ko pa ba siya? May pag-asa pa ba kami? Ako yung nakipaghiwalay. Ang dahilan ko? Napagod ako. Nasa Batangas ako at nasa Cavite naman siya. Parehas kaming nag-aaral at naging busy, lalo na ako. Napagod ako to the point na paulit-ulit na lang ang nangyayari. Nakakapanawa rin. Habang tumatagal, tinatamad na akong mag-text, tumawag at sa tuwing uuwi siya sa Batangas, tinatamad na rin akong papuntahin siya sa bahay. In short, nanawa ako. Nasanay akong wala siya. Nasanay akong walang boyfriend na palaging nandiyan at sa text lang ang communication. Nainggit ako sa mga mag-jowa sa paligid ko na palaging magkasama. Naiisip ko nga noon na “Siguro kung single ako, worth it ang pagkainggit ko sa kanila. Kasi wala talaga.” Kailangan ko rin kasi intindihin yung sitwasyon namin kaya hindi ako dapat mainggit. In the end, napagod ako and nakipag-break. While on break, paminsan-minsan ko siyang kinakamusta. Naguguluhan pa rin ako sa feelings ko noon. Pabago-bago. May time na ite-text ko siya kasi nami-miss ko siya pero dadating din sa point na maiisip kong hindi ko na dapat siyang i-text dahil ayoko nang maging kami ulit dahil baka mapagod na naman ako. For the past two years (almost), naging magulo ako towards him. “Nawawala, bumabalik, heto na naman.” ika nga sa kanta. Noon, nase-sense kong naniniwala siyang magiging kami pa rin in the end. Pero dumating yung araw na hindi ko inaasahan. Yung araw na siya na mismo ang napagod. Siya na mismo ang sumuko. Siya na mismo ang nagsabing “Baka hindi talaga tayo sa huli.” Dumating na yung oras na pareho na naming hindi maintindihan ang feelings ng isa’t-isa. And for that, I sensed the sign coming from Him. “Let’s end this my child. It’s not worth it to be a problem.”
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Tomorrow is someone's birthday but until now I don't know if I'm going to greet him or not. He's my ex-boyfriend actually. It's been almost two years already but I don't get my true feelings yet. Am I still into him? Or am I just guilty of hurting him that's why I can't help but chat or text him? For that, I don't really know. Sometimes, I admit to myself that I don't love him anymore. Maybe I'm just feeling alone because of being single, that's what I had thought. My problem right now is "Am I gonna greet him tomorrow?" If I did, we might gonna get in touch again and he might think that I'm still into him. For a moment, I was thinking that I might give him hope for a relationship that had already ended for a long time. But for another moment, I was thinking that I might just assumed for that. What to do?
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I had started playing this game last december during our sembreak. I got addicted to it until now. I actually find it difficult to stop myself from playing and I think it affects my schedule in studying. Though I only played at night, every second counts for us accountancy students especially when the board exam is coming. I wish I can still focus on my studies. 😂
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Simula na ng panibagong kalbaryo ng buhay ko. I have a 9 unit refresher course and I felt nervous about it. Alam kong sobrang mahihirapan ako dahil zero base kami, ngayon pa at 2.5 ang grade na kailangan kong makuha atleast. Natatakot ako pero siyempre kailangan pa ring maging positive. Hanga na lang din ako sa sarili ko dahil tanging sarili ko na lang din mismo ang nagmo-motivate sa sarili ko. Maybe I just really want to achieve my dreams and do what I'm planning for myself. I actually want to be an engineer someday. I don't know if it will be possible but libre lang naman mangarap. At hangga't makakaya ko, gagawin ko. But for now, I'll focus on becoming a CPA.
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Enrolled na ko! First time kong maging first honor sa loob ng limang taong pag-aaral ko sa kolehiyo. Running for Cum Laude ako and I'm still hoping na makaya ko pa ang huling sem bago ang graduation. My last 24 units is not a joke at alam kong mas matindi pa ang hirap na mararanasan ko ngayong huling semester ng buhay ko sa college as BS Accountancy student. Sana makaya pa! Kakayanin pa rin!
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Goodbye 2017
Maraming nangyari. Masaya. Malungkot. Pero mas angat yung sakit na naramdaman ko ngayong 2017. Lovelife. Family. Friends. Grades. Lahat na yata ng problema naranasan ko na ngayong 2017. Pero thankful pa rin ako dahil mukhang matatapos ang 2017 na ayos ang lahat. Although alam kong sa pagsapit ng 2018 ay hindi maiiwasang bumalik ang mga problemang yun. Pero keri lang! Sana lang mamanhid na ako sa mga masasakit na pangyayaring yun. Please be good to me 2018! :)
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Not yet over
Minsan akala mo okay na, tapos na, hanggang doon na lang. Pero dadating at dadating pa rin pala sa point na babalik ang lahat, babalik yung problema, yung sakit, yung mga pangyayaring hindi mo na gugustuhing balikan. Nakakarindi. Nakakapagod. At sa tuwing mangyayari bigla na lang mangingilid ang luha mo, pipigilan mong pumatak ang mga yun dahil gusto mong maging matatag, gusto mong masanay na lang dahil paulit-ulit na naman. At minsan maiisip mo na lang na sana maging manhid ka na lang. Yung mapipigilan mo na ang luha mo at babalewalain mo na lang yung mga nangyayari dahil sa nasanay ka na. At minsan pa nga maiisip mo na lang na sana tulad na lang sa teleserye, yung maaaksidente ka, mawawala yung alaala mo at ayun na! Nakalimutan mo na ang lahat ng gusto mong kalimutan, hindi mo na sana maalala ang mga taong ayaw mo nang matandaan. Sa ganoong paraan, kahit papaano nawala ang mabigat na problemang dinadala mo, kahit saglit lang, kahit panandalian lang, na minsan hihilingin mong sana maging permanente na lang.
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I've got my new phone, a VIVO Y55s. It's nice. It hides my pimples. It made me look fresh. I definitely love it. :)
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Settled.
I can’t say that I am happy but I am better now. Thank you Lord for always guiding us! ^_^
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For the BETTER.
It might not be the best thing to wish for but I’m praying for it. It might be selfish for the one but better for the other. I just want a quiet life ahead. It might be hard for the other, but I think it’s for the better. That way, I might feel free. I might feel comfortable enough. I can breathe out. I might not suffer. I might not be under control. I’m hoping for a quiet life. It’s not just for me but for the other. It’s just a bonus for me if things went our way. Please give us this favor. I’m asking You.
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Torn
I felt frustrated. Yung feeling na sasabog na ang ulo mo sa sobrang sakit. Yung feeling na sobrang bigat sa dibdib. Yung feeling na hindi mo na alam ang gagawin. Yung feeling na parang kinokontrol ka na lang. Hindi ba ako pwedeng mabuhay na ako na lang yung nagdedesisyon para sa sarili ko? Nahihirapan na ako. My only problem is that I can’t speak it out. I just can’t! Bakit kasi hindi ko ma-express ang nararamdaman ko? Bakit mas pinipili kong kimkimin na lang yun?
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Broken
Now, I can say I am all alone. I was left behind and I don’t have a reason to live. I wish to die but what my mind thinks was a lot different from what I’m acting right now. A year ago, I lost my boyfriend. And that’s my fault. Knowing it’s my fault, I still blame him for everything. I was stupid. For the past months, I remind myself that I still have my family and nothing to worry about. I studied hard for my family. I strive hard so that I can pay them what they’ve given me. But this time came. My mom and dad fought that night which cause my mother to leave our house. It’s been two days since then. She won’t tell me where she is. I had cried a lot but still she’s not here. There’s so much pain in my heart now and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been struggling a lot. I missed her but I can’t go with her. Though I have an idea where she is, I’m afraid my father will get mad at me and might still blame my mom. I have nowhere to lean on to. I felt that I was lost. Though I have my friends, still my heart is suffering too much. Can’t they fix it? Can’t they think of me? Cause I’m always thinking of them. They were the reason why I am studying very hard. The reason I dreamed to become a CPA is because of them. But what now?
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I aimed to become one of the good writers (not the best) out there. I dreamt being an author of a known book, article or whatever I can make relating to writing. Minsan na akong sumali sa isang workshop ngunit nabigo akong makasulat ng isang magandang kwento. Nakakalungkot pero hindi ibig sabihin noon ay tumigil ako. I don’t have enough time to pursue this dream because I’m still studying and taking up Accountancy as my program. “Gusto kong maging writer.” that’s what I’m yearning about. But it is not my time yet. Waiting for that time to come is what I’m aiming for now. And waiting means to achieve my goal (my first goal), ‘TO BECOME A CPA’.
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