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Accidental Memory in the Case of Death Review Part 2!

Accidental Memory in the Case of Death by derryere

Word Count 74987

We open this part with a Magical Paragraph Break: “(day four)”

The Royal family is having some sort of party or something and Merlin is super busy doing servant stuff. He approaches Arthur, who is talking to some stranger bitch Earl, with a tray of drinks. “And it's simple happiness, a bit stupid in its nature but also brilliant, not to be helped, and the sort that feels like he'll never get over this, over this mad urge to jump, to be silly like pulling faces and dancing foolishly but at the same time pretend he's not bothered whenever Arthur is near.” How freaking cute.

The two of them spend the evening stealing touches and glances and it’s a little careless because they could easily get caught. Then they both get spectacularly drunk and end up in Arthur’s bed rooms. It’s amazing they weren’t seen.

Back to the present: Anthony is at the library; he’s been studying up on his past self.

The rest of him is completely falling apart. He’s starting fights and behaving pretty promiscuously. Now I’m not saying promiscuity is a bad thing, but sometimes it is a sign of some deeply serious, not ok shit and that’s clearly what’s going on here.

Even Anthony’s selectively invalid mother has noticed something is up. “’I'm worried,’ his mother says, quietly one day when he's on the couch, pressing a frozen pizza to his face. He doesn't hear her and so she urges with a firm, ‘Tony.’ And another, ‘Anthony. Anthony!’ Anthony blinks at her, then, and there's a lump in his throat at the realisation he'd been expecting a different name—has, even in his own head—stopped referring to himself as himself.” Anthony has even started having the people he picks up at bars call him Arthur. This is important for later.

So Anthony picks up a girl and they are about to have sex in a parked car when they realize they have no condoms. She makes Anthony get out to go find some. Yay! Practice safe sex kids!

Of course the store he finally stumbles into is the one Emory works at, “Emory looks at him, quiet and unmoving, eyes wide. It's been weeks. All at once his heart is thudding upward, blocking his throat, and he breaks out in a clammy, cold sweat and it's almost like a fever, this boy. The sight of Emory washing over like a quiet disease and Anthony wants out, he wants out of there, gone from the shop, barely even cares anymore about the girl—stupid condoms, fucking condoms, who the fuck even cares and who— ‘Where d'you keep the condoms?’ he finishes, willing his voice into something cool—smoothing out the tremble, pulling himself straighter, thinking—I don't have to care.”

Smooth, bro.

“Emory doesn't say anything at first. He just stares, looking a little tired but otherwise fine, and there's nothing of annoyance or anger in his face as he takes in Anthony—scans his face, then replies with a frowningly admonished, ‘You look like shit.’ Anthony's temper flares at this, and his retort is an immediate, ‘Fuck you.’” That’s nice.

Emory tells Anthony to follow him but he doesn’t. “Emory reaches back, takes his hand. Anthony discovers he is that easy, as every resolve or any coherent thought crumbles at its foundations, then collapses when Emory pulls him along, his grip cold from the cool cartons and his fingers long, digging softly into the back of his Anthony's hand. He feels faintly sick, wants to pull away, still very much wants to want—bitter over weeks alone (though he wasn't alone), over a rejection (though he can't say it wasn't justified), bitter over being bitter in the first place, frustrated with himself and his own haplessness.” Anthony really took that, “we aren’t friends,” thing pretty hard. It’s interesting that this caused Anthony to go down such a spiral. Anthony could have reached out to Emory at any time and attempted to be friends with him. I’m not saying that Emory would have or had to accept, but Anthony could have put in a little more of an effort if it was going to affect him this much.

Emory takes Anthony back to his apartment and I think we can could this as a Subtle Clue Emory is also Sort of Losing His Shit over the Whole Situation because he just up and leaves work. He doesn’t even bother telling anyone this time. That’s not normal.

Anyways, Emory immediately just goes and lays down on his mattress which is a little strange because I’m not sure what Emory was expecting to do when they got to his place. Anthony is equally confused and starts wandering around opening cabinets and such. Sure.

“’You're not like him.’ He looks away, a nail scratching a restless tune along the seam of his jeans. ‘Just so you know. You're not like him at all.’ Emory props himself up on his elbows, giving Anthony a mild, questioning look. ‘He used to have things,’ Anthony continues. ‘He—had things.’ Flopping back down with a huff, Emory replies with a murmured, ‘I have things.’  ‘You don't have things. You have . . . I don't know. But he made things. Used to make these little . . . wooden figurine things, of birds. Had them up on his shelves. He had things.’ Emory, giving a quick look and a laugh, says, ‘Oh, he didn't make those.’” Haha this made me laugh. Way to drop that beloved dead boyfriend bomb there, Emory.  

“’Yeah. That was, like, a spell.’ He gives a fraction of a smile, adds, ‘Just couldn't get over the stupid look on your bloody face whenever he showed you them. So I sort of pretended I—‘ he stops. Catches himself, the smile disappearing as he scrambles to correct, ‘He, he pretended. They. Not—I meantthey. He. He . . . shit.’”

Poor Emory. He sort of freaks out a little bit about the slip and I don’t blame him. He tries so hard to separate himself from Merlin but he’s finding it harder and harder and probably feels like he’s starting to lose his identity. Other than that, it’s cute that Merlin did that for Arthur.

Anthony goes over to Emory and they have some more awkward frottage and call each other by their past names again. “’Why do you—‘ is Anthony's snatch of coherency, murmured wet and drowsy to the fabric of Emory's shirt, ‘—keep doing—this, Merlin, why do you—why can't you—‘ And Emory, closed-eyed and feverish to the side of his face, mouthing to his brow—his eyelid—a continuous mantra of, ‘I'm sorry—sorry—Arthur, fuck, I'm so—sorry—I'm—‘” I find that exchange kind of sad. 

In the morning, “It's comfortable and wonderfully familiar for a long time. There are mumbled words between them of today and patrol, of training, of how long can we stay in bed? and the humming, non-committal answers that come in reply. And then, then there is silence, a stretching, easy silence that allows for a slow realisation. The misplacement of their words starts to get to them, to sink in, the times and their surroundings, their names, even—and as Emory begins to stiffen in Anthony's hold, Anthony tries to subtly extract himself from it.” Well that’s hella fucking depressing, damn.

Anthony awkwardly gets ready to leave and Emory asks him to lunch, “Anthony stares. ‘But we're not friends,’ he says before thinking, but finds that even if he didn't mean to say it, it is a fair remark.” Damn, Anthony. He agrees to go anyways.

Magical Paragraph Break: “(day five)”

This scene takes place following the big feast after falling asleep together in Arthur’s room. They talk about how bad they were the night before. That’s what I said! There’s also a maid who comes into the room at one point. I wonder if their relationship is like an open secret at this point because Merlin doesn’t wake up fully when the maid is there and start freaking out like I would expect.

“’Tell me,’ Merlin says, later, a bit distanced as he dips a finger in and out and around Arthur's navel, ‘something you like about me.’ Arthur smiles, strokes back Merlin's damp hair from his temples. ‘A thing that I like about you,’ he says, ‘is how you bump into stuff.’ A thoughtful pause. Then, ‘All the time.’ ‘That's a very wrong answer,’ Merlin tells him, propping his chin on Arthur's chest. ‘Very. Now give me at least ten things you like about me.’”

Ahaha that’s cute and Merlin’s reaction is exactly what I would say. They start having sexytimes and then there’s an abrupt shift to the present day with no break in the text.

Anthony is at Emory’s apartment and when he gets inside he notices how happy Emory is and thinks about how, up until this point, he’s never seen Emory genuinely smile. Poor Emory.

So Emory is super excited and tells Anthony he has to show him something. Emory tells Anthony he fell when skateboarding and was able to stop time. Then he shows Anthony that he can move things, knocking over a salt shaker, telling Anthony he has magic. “’Not really that surprising though, is it? I mean, he had it. So. I guess . . .’ Emory's smile fades a little, hardens a bit around the edges. ‘But I'm not him, am I? This is new for me. I've never done this. It's special, yeah. For me.’”

Damn it, Anthony. What is wrong with you? That is 100% the wrong thing to say. Anthony sort of half assedly smooths things over, then they had out for lunch.

While they are walking, Emory asks Anthony about his bike. Anthony tells him that it was his dad’s and his mother doesn’t like him taking the bike out. “’The magic thing.’ And then, to clarify his snatch of thought, ‘It is pretty cool.’ The grin Emory flashes him is brilliant, his walk losing some of its cool as he straightens up to look at Anthony with a proud tilt to his shoulders. ‘It is,’ he concurs, grandly, and Anthony can only shake his head—amused and despairing of the both of them.” Good job, Anthony. Should have said it twenty minutes ago but better late than never, I guess.

While they eat, they play a game guessing how various people they knew from their past lives would react to modern things. It’s a cute game. Then they talk a little bit about Anthony’s father dying in a car crash. Normal depressing first date conversation, you know.

Behind the scenes fun: this gif isn’t quite what I was looking for but damn Leo DiCaprio looks pretty here so this is what you’re getting.

“’It's not fair,’ he says abruptly, quite out of nowhere. Emory doesn't move, unsure what Anthony is referring to, and so he continues. ‘That you get the magic. What do I get?’ He toes a loose brick sticking out of the curb. ‘A bunch of memories. Yeah. Fat load of good that does me.’ ;That's not true.’ Emory grins, swaying back against the pole. ‘I can assure you, you've many charming qualities in common.’” Way to be bitter, Anthony. Also, this is why I like Emory, he understands Anthony is upset and attempts to make him feel better. Anthony rarely picks up on it when Emory isn’t doing well.

When they get to the apartment, Emory asks Anthony to tell him something he remembers and it’s pretty funny. Anthony mentions the time Arthur asked Merlin for help picking out a birthday present for Gwen after they were married, “’Somehow, yeah,’ he smiles, quirking his brows. ‘I'm not sure exactly why, it probably had to do with that hidden stash of ale you—he, he was always keeping under his bed, but we came up with this idea that—that she'd like something that would make her laugh. Something funny.’ ‘Oh, god,’ Emory starts laughing, clearly remembering, covering his face with a hand. ‘Yep. A royal, golden chamber pot’" He shakes his head at himself. ‘Engraved. With her name.’ ‘So stupid,’ is Emory's muffled reaction, mumbled into his palm. ‘Gwen, naturally, completely missed the highly intellectual metaphor inviting her to feel at home in her new . . . well, home, but . . . ‘ he trails off. ‘God, that one backfired properly, didn't it?’ ‘She thought the chamber pot reminded him of her,’ Emory tells him, dropping his hand. ‘Engraved.’”

Then shit gets real depressing real fast, “’He married Guinevere,’ Emory says in a small, low voice. ‘Yes,’ Anthony says, sinking back into seriousness. ‘He did.’ It hangs between them for a while, Emory mulling it over and Anthony feeling hapless somehow. ‘And he and . . . ‘ Emory begins, pauses. Puffs, frustrated, and continues. ‘After that, the both of them, they never . . .’  ‘I know.’ ‘But why did . . .’ ‘I don't know,’ is Anthony's mumbled reply. ‘It's all . . . fragmented, Emory. I don't know.’ ‘It must've been really bad.’ Emory bunches his shoulders, crosses his arms. ‘What happened between them.’ Anthony looks at him, looks at him for a long moment before chancing to voice his thoughts—eventually doing it quietly, carefully. ‘Or maybe they just came to their senses.’ Emory freezes visibly. His eyes harden on Anthony, a dark, angry flush spreading up his pale throat. ‘Their senses?’ he repeats, quiet and dangerous, an incredulous lightness to his tone.”

YIKES. I don’t know how Anthony consistently says the wrong thing. Every. Single. Time.

This starts a HUGE argument between the two of them about how hard it was for their past selves to not be together. Anthony tries to defend himself, blurring the lines between him and Arthur. Emory comforts him. It’s pretty sad.

That’s it for this review. There’s some pretty heavy shit that goes down during these sections and I’m sorry I couldn’t leave it on a higher note. I was looking ahead and the Day Six section with the following modern day section is pretty long so I didn’t want to try and squeeze it into this review. Anyways, yeah sad and depressing stuff happened but I like it in a weird sort of way. It fits in really well with the narrative. The whole Arthur married Gwen thing tends to be super glossed over in other reincarnation fics. I like that Emory brought it up and that it wasn’t all flowers and candy because you know Merlin wouldn’t have just been cool with stepping aside while the love of his life married someone else. Arthur wouldn’t have just been fine abandoning Merlin either. It was interesting to see it carried over to the present day and how much it still upsets Emory even though he spends so much time defending how he isn’t Merlin. I think it’s also interesting to see their realities continue to fracture as they delve deeper and deeper into their past lives. I like that Emory has magic too. I had actually completely forgotten about that until rereading it. I know I pick on some of Anthony’s reactions to Emory and how he’s always doing the wrong thing but at the same time, it’s a real reaction. It also fits in with how we know Arthur’s behavior. What makes it even better is Emory’s reactions when Anthony is upset. He’s very caring and able to put himself aside for Anthony. This is also true to the Merlin character. I just love this fic, guys.

Until next time:

#merlin #bbc merlin #merlin fic #review #reincarnation fic #This one is kind of depressing #Still good though #get your shit together Anthony #Emory is the best

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Hey hey, I only just got into Merlin and am looking for any classic must-read Merthur fics. Thanks hon

Hi there!

There’s a lot of fics that are considered pretty classic in the Merlin fandom. Loaded March is a big one that I’ve reviewed on here, but it’s over a million words so I don’t know if you want to tackle that right away. Anything else by footloose is usually pretty big in the fandom. The Student Prince is a classic and one that I find to be fairly decent. There’s also This Silly O’’ Dance is Perfect for Two, Pianos are Made for Falling and  A Binding Contract. That should be enough to get you started. :) I hope you find some you like!

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Accidental Memory in Case of Death Review Part 1!

Accidental Memory in the Case of Death by derryere

Word Count 74987

 So I know it’s been forever but working night shift really does fuck normal basic human functions all over the place and that’s why I haven’t been so on top of my shit here.

This fic is my favorite fic ever. Seriously. It’s even a reincarnation fic which I normally hate. I was scrolling through the Merlin tag the other day and noticed that this had just recently been posted on AO3 so what better time to review it? There aren’t any chapters so I’ll just have to break this up some other way.

As always italics represent direct quotes from the fic and bold represents italicized writing within the fic.

Let’s do this!

“He takes whatever sleep he can get.” That’s our opener. Not looking good for this kid here. Mystery character is sleeping on a train bench. Like a hobo. Smells like fic!Merlin to me!

“The compartments' low windows angle the morning sun, letting the light through and colouring it a shade of brown in even, rectangular shapes on the platform floor. He blinks and numbly takes notice, wading through the brightness of it, not quite sure what day it is or how to differentiate this morning from any given morning of the past three years.” Well that’s a sort of depressing outlook. I’ve been there before though.

Mystery character makes it to campus and goes to class to sleep, just to be woken up by a friend named “Art” who appears to still be high from the previous night. Sometimes he and Art sleep through their classes, “On days like that, they quarantine the back of the hall, splaying themselves over the chairs that weren't made for sleep at all, dozing off to the sound of lectures they'd attended before in previous years but in which they—every time again—had forgotten to pay attention.”

What is going on that this character needs so much sleep? Why is he not sleeping at home? Does he have narcolepsy? I am concerned. Also, pay the fuck attention. College is way too expensive to be failing multiple classes multiple times. P.S. and spoiler alert: “Art” is not Arthur which took me a ridiculously long time to realize the first time I read this. You’re welcome.

Mr. Narcolepsy observes his fellow classmates and this is where, though we don’t know it yet, we get the introduction to the second half of our pair: “Then that particular group of girls who always sit together—and out of all there's only one he thinks is hot but she never looks up at the right time—sitting next to Heineken, a broody kid who takes his skateboard to class, and whose real name is forever lost due to a supposed incident during first year introduction that involved a beer bottle, an unsavoury way of putting it to use and a partner too drunk to care.” Ok then.

“Someone calls him, a mate or someone's mate, a sharp, ‘Oi, Tony,’ usually toward the end of the lecture or maybe even after it, as they saunter their way towards the cafeteria. ‘You up for it, tonight?’” Tony? What the hell?

Ok, yes I’ve read this before so I already knew this but the first time I read this I was hella confused.

Anyways, Tony goes home and tells his mother he is going out. He parties all night, which we don’t see and this is actually fine because the way it’s written, it doesn’t feel like an eye roll worthy, SHOW US, DON’T TELL US moment. Nothing feels missed by us not being at this party.

So then Tony goes home and awkwardly goes to his mother’s room, loudly eating cereal, sitting at her “bedside.” He wakes her up and they have a conversation which is written kind of oddly because we only get his side of the conversation. I originally read this as he was talking to her on the phone and was confused as to why he went to her room to call her, and also a little concerned. Tony tells her to go back to sleep. Why are you being so weird about your mother, Tony?

Magical Paragraph Break with: “(day one)”

Arthur and Merlin are having a conversation about being king. Merlin asks Arthur what the one thing he would do for himself would be. Arthur’s response is, “’I don't know,’ he says. ‘Allow sparring indoors? Always wanted to do that. Like a sparring room, where you can, sort of—jump on the tables, and all, with the swords and . . . I don't know. I'll cut down on the dances, probably.’ He thinks about this for a moment, and then, ‘I hate dancing.’” Merlin makes fun of him but I think it’s kind of cute that Arthur wants to spar indoors. It would be dangerous so they’d have to make up some rules so no random castle worker doesn’t accidentally walk in on the middle of a sparring match and get hurt. Anyways, what I like about Arthur’s response is that it’s 100 percent something for him and wouldn’t negatively impact anyone (unless there were no rules) and Arthur probably so rarely just got to have fun growing up so this could be the one thing he can do for enjoyment. Merlin says the one thing he would do is paint the castle green. I also approve of this.

Merlin then changes the subject and asks about Arthur’s future in terms of getting married. He gets really upset during the conversation, you know because he’s in love with Arthur. Merlin asks Arthur if he’s even been in love and Arthur says he has. Then there’s awkward silence until Arthur asks Merlin the same question. Merlin asks how one knows when they are in love and Arthur says Merlin would know. Then Arthur kisses him and they race to the castle which of course ends up with Merlin straddling Arthur, as you do, “Merlin doesn't feel the gifted victory is any less of a victory when he rolls them over in a bit of a scuffle and ends up on top—straddling Arthur, holding his hands to the ground over his head. Arthur is beaming up at him, eyes bright with the playfulness of the game, and he wordlessly laces his fingers with Merlin's—sending both their hearts skidding and sliding and falling all over themselves within their chests. Merlin fills up and then runs over with it, with the goofy grins and wide eyes, and leans down in a brief, quick movement—lightly kissing Arthur, for just a moment.” What I like about this is that it’s kind of sweet? Like even though it includes the annoying cliché of boys being boys playing and oops, now one is on top of the other trope, it’s kind of adorable.

Back to Tony: Tony is once again sleeping in a public place. I don’t understand this. Why doesn’t he sleep at home like a normal person? Quit bothering your mother and go to your room and sleep, dude.

Tony recognizes someone and thinks about how he occasionally sees people from high school on the train on Fridays going back home. “Usually, Anthony has no one's company to resent but his own.” Damn, Tony.

The person he recognizes is Heineken, whose actual name we don’t know yet. They make awkward eye contact and the train comes to an abrupt unscheduled stop. Heineken lights a cigarette to which Tony tells him he can’t, so Heineken leaves the train. Fair enough.

Tony gives him an annoying party pooper lecture about how the train could leave ASAP and Heineken is just 2Kool4Skool so he points out that the situation is sketch anyways because the doors to the train shouldn’t be unlocked. P.S. spellcheck doesn’t highlight 2Kool4Skool.

Anyways, Tony gives in to peer pressure and follows Heineken. Heineken finds some ruined stone structure.

Tony makes super awkward conversation, “’You're a second year, aren't you.’ Anthony strolls after as the guy skips over the wall, following its inclining path—up a slight hilling easily mistaken for higher grasses. ‘What of it,’ he says, flicking what's left of his smoke to the ground, stepping on it as he goes. Anthony shrugs. ‘Nothing. Just . . . ‘ He pushes himself off on his knee, climbing up the ascend. ‘We have some classes together, don't we?’ ‘Do we?’ A quick, wry glance. ‘Never noticed.’ Noting the thick sarcasm to that, Anthony nods while pursing his lips into a thin line. He looks down and pretends he and his friends haven't—once or twice in a distant past—on seeing this guy skate across the campus path, shouted something ugly in his direction for the sake of a laugh.” Yikes. Be more of an asshole, Tony. It’s also super weird that he’s hanging out with Heineken like this after he’s been so horrible to him.

Heineken continues on even though Tony suggests they go back, “The momentum gives him a bit too much movement and he nearly runs the last few steps, jogging into the field before setting in a slow walk toward the single boulder placed—quite randomly—in its middle.” Sword in the Stone boulder maybe?

As they approach the boulder, Anthony asks Heineken what his name is and Heineken refuses to tell him, pointing out the nickname Tony and his stupid friends gave him. Then, “’Look at this,’ he says, tentatively pulling at something sticking out of the veined, grey surface. Anthony turns, comes to stand closer and feels a cackle of his own escape his lips at the sight of eroded metal—a distinct hilt of some sort—peeking out of the stone.” Heineken tries to pull it out; he fails so Anthony gives it a try. For a second, it seems like it’s going to work but then there’s a magical gust of wind and the next thing we know, Tony is being woken up by the train conductor and told to get off the train. Heineken isn’t there.

Tony walks him and when he gets in, he wakes up his poor mother. He tells her he fell asleep on the train, “’Yes, well, that wouldn't happen,’ she tells him as he makes for the open kitchen, rifling through the cabinets, ‘if you went to sleep at decent hours. Like the normal human being I raised you to be, yes. Not a hamster.’” She knows what’s up.

Tony goes to bed and has some weirdass dreams about going into the woods and killing boars with spears. Gee, I wonder what that’s all about?

“It stays strange when he looks at the microwave and marvels at it, thinks: how peculiar. It is strange when he scours the room for a pendant he forgot somewhere before realising that What, and What? And that he doesn't have a pendant, hasn't ever been given one by a great-uncle because he doesn't have a great-uncle and it stays strange throughout the day—giving him headaches, confusion thumping at his temples, and he thinks it's perhaps really gone on for too long, he's gone without regular sleep for too many years and that's it, he's gone mad, he's gone off his rocker and this is how— “ So... Tony’s having a bit of an off day.

Tony’s weird friend Art calls and asks him to hang out. “He goes out that night. He goes, Fuck the exams, and changes his shirt, ruffles his hair and—looking in the bathroom mirror—hollows his cheeks, slaps the sides of his face to a quick rhythm. He listens for the telltale honking of the small car when it stops out in the street, and when it comes he jogs down the stairs, keys in hand. I'm going, he calls out to the rooms of the house. Be back later.” Well that’s an interesting way to get ready.

“’Wait, Anthony, come here for a second,’ his mother replies from her bedroom behind the kitchen, and he goes—smiles in the doorway as she makes a vague gesture for him to come near, help her out without actually saying it. He crouches by her side, then, lets her hold on to his neck as he lifts her out of the chair and sets her down on the bed.”

I don’t understand the relationship Tony has with his mother. Is she an invalid? Why is he lifting her out of chairs and tucking her into bed? She was perfectly capable of walking over to him the night before.

At the party, Tony and Art and another friend of theirs get into a fight. Tony hits his head. “It could be his addled brain reacting to the blow that confuses him for a moment with a rushing flash of things he doesn't remember ever happening but that are still in his head.” Ominous.

Tony says to Art that they’ll have a story to tell people about the party. “’Not much of a story, though, issit?’ Art says. ‘Some tosser shoved at you and you bravely retaliated by fainting the fuck all over yourself. Well done, Tones. Well done.’” Ahahah nice one, Art. That actually made me laugh.

Tony not at all subtlety brings up Heineken to Art and asks what his real name is. Art says his last name is Hawk, so we finally realize Heineken is supposed to be Merlin, what with the name connection. Tony gets super defensive about the rumors surrounding Hawk and the beer bottle. Art says the other person involved in the incident tried to sue Hawk. “’He's supposedly really filthy rich, you know,’ Art cuts in. ‘The Hawk bloke. So, yeah, all I'm saying is—you never know what his family did to keep it all hush hush. You know how they are, old money and all. Don't take very kindly to bottles up the arse.’ ‘This is bullshit,’ Anthony says, deadpan, adding a small laugh. ‘Seriously, Arthur. This is complete bullshit.’” See here’s where my confusion is, I don’t understand why the author decided to call Tony’s friend Arthur. It just makes everything so much more confusing which is why it took me forever to decipher who was supposed to be whom.

After the party, Art and Tony get something to eat and Art tells Tony there is something different about him, cue flashback annnnnnd scene.

Magical Paragraph Break: “(day two)”

Arthur decides that he and Merlin should take a little trip and Merlin is beautifully sarcastic about it. Arthur teases Merlin that he’s going to take someone else, which of course Merlin can’t have.

So they go on their trip, which is on foot for some reason. “Halfway up the incline, Merlin gives up and collapses on the dusty road, all sweat and heaving breaths, one arm slung over his face. He hears Arthur come to stop a while ahead and chuckles, breathlessly, as he yells, ‘Don't worry about me, Arthur!’ He vaguely waves his free hand in the air, dismissing the approaching man. ‘You just keep on keeping on. Really. I'll be fine. Here. Dying. You just—just save yourself, go, don't look back.’” Merlin is me any time I’m required to do anything physical.

Arthur offers Merlin a piggyback ride and it’s adorable even though Arthur is sweaty and gross. “’You are a very sweaty man,’ Merlin tells Arthur a while later, cheek resting on his shoulder.  Arthur, a bit breathless with exertion, tries for a sarcastic laugh but gets as far as a puff of breath. ‘I am carrying you up a hill,’ he says on an exhale. ‘You might want—to show—a bit more—‘ The gravelly stones crumble under them, and Arthur steadies his footing. ‘—Gratitude.’ Merlin smiles into his neck, holds on a bit tighter and says, ‘You are soooo strong.’ And, ‘The power of your arms is enough to render us mortals speechless.’ Arthur grumbles and Merlin moves his lips close to his ear, adding a quiet, ‘My Arthur. So chivalrous.’ ‘Shut up,’ Arthur says, but strokes his thumb along the side of Merlin's knee all the same—small, continuous rhythms all the way to the top.”

They look over the hill at the kingdom and makeout a bit. End flashback.

Meanwhile, Tony is losing his shit. He’s sitting in the classroom the day of an exam and waits for Hawk to show up. “Anthony is walking before managing to register the way his heartbeat picks up, the way his nerves—already frazzled and out of sorts all weekend—jolt to attention like a warning as he approaches the boy. ‘We need to talk,’ is how he starts, standing closer than strictly necessary—angry for no good reason.” Be creepier, Tony.

Tony is super confrontational about the train situation which I had honestly forgotten about for some reason. He asks Hawk if they were on the train together and Hawk gives a nonanswer. Serves Tony right. “With huffed breath, Anthony lets his hand drop. ‘What do you mean what if—what does that even mean? Jesus, I—was there a crash? I mean . . . ‘ He runs his tongue over his lip, nervously, blinking rapidly. ‘Something's wrong. In my—‘ In a shaky pause, he briefly touches his forehead. "I can't—think right. We . . . got off the train, right? That wasn't—I didn't dream that we . . . ‘ At this the boy's bravado slips a little, and there's a bit of an edge to his voice when he replies, ‘I don't know.’” Tony gets kind of mean and blames it all on Hawk. Hawk rightfully tells him to fuck right off. Then Hawk just awesomely just skateboards away, ignoring the fact that they have a test.  Tony thinks about following him. “He curves the board as he reaches the double doors, pushing them open without even stopping, and Anthony is going to shout something—something insulting, loud, anything, but the intention gets stuck in his throat at the familiar yet impossibly alien idea of something like this, of him and the boy and a fight, a market and—oh, don't walk away!—the stumbling, the laughter, like nothing that had ever happened before and yet—“ Awww, memories!

Tony goes back to the room for the exam and continues to have a fractured reality, getting confused about the scene in episode four of Merlin with the golden chalice. Damn straight, I knew the episode number right off the top of my head, in case you were wondering.

Anthony leaves the exam hall and catches up to Hawk, grabbing his arm. This next whole scene is so good, you’re getting it all.

“The boy's arm tenses under his grip. The movement of muscles shifts against his palm, through the fabric of his plaid shirt, and Anthony's heart is sent racing. The inexplicable reaction of recognition has him fixing his jaw, clenching it, trying to hold it down—keep at bay the dozens of ideas, thoughts and pleas that push at his mind, clearly not his, never his, yet somehow there, like a noise that's been turned up.  The boy doesn't move. He stares at Anthony with a furious lack of understanding, a tenseness, a sense of suspense in those expressive, wide-set eyes. It is such an odd face, such a peculiar sharpness and build, but he feels no need to look at any particular part of it—the image so easily detailed in his mind already—thinking of a birthmark on the side of the boy's neck before his gaze flitters down to see it.  His breath leaves him as his hand slips down the boy's arm, holding on still but now to his wrist. Swallowing, he runs his thumb over the edge of the sleeve—then tugs under it, brushing over the warm skin, back and forth on the inside of his wrist.  ‘Merlin,’ he says, croakily, not sure what it means but feeling it all the way to the pit of his stomach.  The boy takes in a shaky breath. ‘Fuck,’ he whispers on the exhale, and his fingers curl down—briefly touching Anthony's before he snatches back his hand, fisting it at his side. He glances around quickly, as though wary of anyone having seen them, and on finding the quad as good as deserted save for distanced voices—a faraway visitor taking a picture of old corridor arches—turns back to Anthony, licking his lips as he says,

‘Not here.’ And, ‘Come on.’”

How good is that? I like the, “noise that’s been turned up,” description. And Anthony calling him, “Merlin.” Hawk realizing that he’s not the only one with these visions and giving in for a second. My heart, guys.

So then they introduce themselves. Hawk’s first name is Emory and he tells Anthony they are going to his house.

They get to Emory’s apartment and there’s some awkward frantic frottage. The part I want to point out is this,  “’Fuck.’ Emory tightens his hold, the rolling, upward movements of his hips losing accuracy as he gasps out, ‘Arthur, god, Arthur, don't—‘ All Anthony can do is reply with a low, ‘Merlin,’ and, ‘Merlin, Merlin, Mer—‘ as he kisses his way down his jaw, tilting up to get his teeth on those lips--Christ, those lips—but Emory turns his head with strained certainty, muscles moving as he clenches his jaw. Anthony tries to follow it, but Emory stops him with a forced, ‘Don't.’” Emory’s reaction to Anthony calling him Merlin is important later. For Reasons. Afterwards, Anthony just leaves without a word.

Magical Paragraph Break: “(day three)”

Merlin is super busy doing the work of a bunch of other servants because Arthur has given him nothing to do for two days. Arthur finds him working and says they should go for a ride. Merlin tells him he can’t. “Arthur wants to know why. Why, why must Merlin ruin all the fun, must insist on getting himself absolutely filthy doing a job that isn't even his to begin with rather than have mad fun with Arthur—which is, theoretically speaking, more or less his job. ‘Because,’ Merlin explains quietly, ‘the rest of the household dislikes me enough as it is.’ Arthur gives him a disbelieving look. He pushes off the table, flopping onto the bench next to Merlin without much grace. ‘Why would they dislike you?’ Merlin pauses for a moment. ‘Do you know of any other servant who gets time off to laze about with his master because it's too hot to work?’” I can’t say I blame the other servants. I’d be so pissed if I was working my ass off and there was one coworker who I looked over at and was doing nothing. Oh hey…

Arthur then proceeds to follow Merlin around bothering him when he’s working. It’s cute but oh man I would be so pissed if I was Merlin. Arthur spends his time making sexual comments and asking stupid questions, “Arthur flitters behind him as he works, following him around with that stupid grin, chewing on the fruit and asking what's that (‘A spatula.’ ‘Oh, right.’), what was that? (‘Dunno.’ ‘Felt like—the ground was, uh, shaking.’ ‘They're probably just taking down the chandelier upstairs.’), and once, when they're alone, sliding close with a hey, hey, what're you doing? ‘Washing the cutlery, Arthur.’ ‘Is the cutlery dirty, then?’ ‘What?’ ‘Is it very, very dirty, Merlin?’ ‘What?’ ‘Is it very, very—‘” 

HAHA Four for you, Arthur, that made me laugh. I’ll even forgive the mess that is the structure of that paragraph.

Merlin throws dirty dishwater at Arthur, they play fight and then Arthur decides to help Merlin wash dishes. “Merlin raises his eyebrows at it, but doesn't look up—doesn't say a thing. Arthur, all nonchalance and soapy clumsiness, starts to idly chatter about the feast. The new servant maid who set fire to the tapestry. The tapestry they used to have in the east wing with the weird imagery that made no sense until someone hung it upside down one day, and once it did make sense it had to be taken down altogether.” This is hilarious. I could totally see something like that happening.

Afterwards, they make out a little in a corridor. I feel like they could have easily been caught but what do I know. End Scene!

Anthony is still having a meltdown. He googles “King Arthur” and “Merlin”, learning nothing, then for extra funsies googles “gay.” He starts watching gay porn but can’t get into it. Then he has a little flashback of Arthur and Merlin and has a big gay crisis about it after he gets turned on.

Anthony spends the next few days hiding out in his room with all these new memories. His mother reminds him he’s missing another exam. Damn, how long has Anthony been locked up in his room? How many exams does this class have?

Anyways, Anthony misses the exam but hangs outside the room looking through the doors to see if he can find Emory. Like a total fucking weirdo. Art comes out of the classroom and Anthony asks him if Emory is in there. “’I don't know?’ Art says by way of a question, looking puzzled, as if unsure of the funny in the joke. ‘I don't give a shit? Look, Anthony, are you—‘ ‘You were just in there, what d'you mean you don't know? I mean, for fuck's sake, the guy has a skateboard with him, how fucking hard is it to miss someone walking around with a—‘” Calm down, Anthony. Damn. Not everyone is obsessed with Emory like you are.

Anthony then stalks his way over to Emory’s apartment and bangs on his door so much a neighbor comes out and tells him to leave since Emory isn’t there. Anthony just goes back the next day. Damn, dude. 

He ends up buzzing the neighbor’s apartment and the neighbor tells him Emory is at work at the supermarket nearby. Anthony then stalks Emory at his place of work. Not. Fucking. Cool. He demands that they talk. “’It's . . . ‘ He sighs, rubs a hand to his brow. ‘It's getting worse. I don't know. I keep on—remembering. You. And, well, these things that we—‘”  Emory isn’t a fan of having this conversation at work, you know, with coworkers around. So they go into the alley behind the store. Which wasn’t a very good idea because then Anthony shoves him up against the wall and the start more awkward frotting. They continue calling each other Arthur and Merlin.

When it’s over, Emory attempts to go back to work and they have a little fight because Anthony doesn’t want him to leave. “Emory, going from wary to a kind of angry in a flash, lashes out in a hissed, ‘Listen, you're having your weird, quarter-life gay—crisis of—whatever. I don't care. And somehow, ironically, you've decided to take it out on me. So excuse me if I'm not thrilled to—‘ ‘Do not,’ Anthony interrupts with another half-aborted step. ‘Do not make me out to be the crazy one. Don't even—You were there. On that train. Out there. You were there. You—when I touch you, you call me—‘ ‘Shut up.’ Emory says it with a threatening finger in Anthony's direction, then again, ‘Shut up. Stop.’” What I like about this is that we get another subtle hint that Emory isn’t 100% cool with all of this.

Emory ditches work and they go back to the train to find the field again. It’s not there so they decide to drive up the next day. Emory tells Anthony to pick him up at his parents’ house.

The next day Anthony discovers that Emory lives in a massive house. Anthony runs into Emory’s brother who knows exactly who he is since they attended the same school. Emory finds them and they leave on Anthony’s motorcycle.

They reach the field and the big boulder isn’t there. After looking around they sit down in the grass and Anthony asks Emory about the big house. “He turns away with a scowl. ‘Don't talk to me like you know me.’ Anthony stares at the back of his head. He frowns, notes the tense set of his shoulders under his worn shirt—the taut lines of his back. Reaching out, soothingly stroking the small, exposed stretch of skin along the side of his lower back, Anthony quietly says, ‘I do know you.’” Poor Emory. Anthony needs to fucking chill.

Anthony asks Emory if he remembers other people from back then. “’They're not my memories.’ Looking at Anthony, then, serious and nothing like the short glances from before, Emory says, ‘We're not them, you know.’ ‘We look the same,’ Anthony replies, feeling weirdly defensive of this point. ‘Yeah, but that's a part of the mindfuck. And that's what it is.’ He keeps his gaze level, earnest. ‘A mindfuck.’”

Emory mentions how confusing the whole thing is, “’I know. Me too.’ Anthony tries to catch his eye. ‘But I remember him, though. All of it. It's like . . . at least it feels like I'm remembering you.’ ‘I am not him. I'm not.’” So again, we get the hint that Emory is super uncomfortable with all of this and Anthony is oblivious.

When they get to Emory’s apartment, Anthony asks him to go get a drink with him and Emory tells him he wants to ignore whatever’s been going on and that he and Tony aren’t friends. Anthony is upset by this but he doesn’t really argue. After Emory goes inside, Anthony calls up his friend Art to hang out. He and Art go to a club where he hooks up with a guy who looks like Merlin/Emory. Art catches him and asks him about it. Anthony gets super defensive and then leaves.

That’s it for this part. Off to an interesting start. I like how Anthony and Emory have different names and personalities from their previous incarnations. I also like how much the flashbacks/memories negatively affect them. Often times when you read a reincarnation fic, Arthur and Merlin just kind of are like, “huh. Ok then!” and it’s all easy peasy. This feels like something much more organic to what would happen if this was a real situation and I like that. It also like Emory’s constant insistence that he isn’t Merlin, something Anthony isn’t quite willing to grasp, which will end up causing a bunch of problems later on. My only criticism would be that the structure of some of the paragraphs is odd but whatever. It’s not so bad that it distracts too much from the story.

Until Next Time:

#merlin #bbc merlin #merlin fic #review #Accidental Memory in Case of Death #this is my favorite fic #I love it so much #Merlin is not Merlin #Arthur is not Arthur #reincarnation #Anthony has a weird relationship with his mother #Emory skateboards and is 2Kool4Skool

[merlinficreview]

Broken Chemistry Review (part seven)

What’s up, Tumblr? I hope you haven’t missed me in the several months I’ve been absent because I sure as heck haven’t missed reviewing this dumpster fire of a story, but here we are. Someday you will tire of my bitching, but perhaps today is not that day. That said, let’s get this show on the road.

We start this chapter off with Arthur angrily answering his phone. It’s Morgana on the line, which we know because he tells us and because she calls back the second he doesn’t pick up. Those pesky sisters, always blowing up your phone. Arthur gives her lip when he finally decides to answer, to which she replies, “I think the last person to feel this way on Christmas was Mary, and that was because she pushed a human being through her vaginal canal. What’s your excuse?”

I’m sure that sounded a lot wittier in your head, SCD07, but it’s really just an odd thing to say and honestly kind of gross visually. Just go with “and she was giving birth” or something if you want to insert a weirdly sacrilegious remark here. The point gets across just fine.

Arthur explains that “we have the Monday off but only because we need the day to finish work, not to celebrate the holiday,” which makes no sense because that’s the exact opposite of having a day off. Morgana starts blathering on about Christmas trees or something and Arthur interrupts her by asking if she knew Merlin was gay. She gets quiet and then asks, “What did you do?” Very perceptive, Morgana, because as far as I can tell Arthur is always in the wrong in this fic. It’s nice to have a character validate this observation for me. Good job.

Arthur is of course shocked that she thinks he might have done anything wrong, but she barrels over him and demands he start talking.

We then suddenly switch to Merlin’s point of view, which honestly took me a moment to catch because there is no break in the text to indicate this change. Merlin is waking up to a barrage of text messages from his friends and family, and I guess him not answering his phone in thirty seconds is cause for alarm because Gwaine and Lancel send him worried messages, and Lancel calls when he gets no response (even though Merlin’s phone literally just vibrated with texts from them, so I’m not sure what the problem is). Merlin picks up and tells Lancel that Arthur doesn’t like him. Lancel asks him to explain from the beginning, and the POV switches again with no warning. If this shit keeps up, I’m going to write this whole chapter off as a lost cause. POV shifts are fine when done right, but this is not one of those times, and it is insufferable because I have no idea who I’m supposed to be following at any given time. Pick a point of view and stick with it, or at the very least give warning when you are going to shift.

Anyway, we go back to Arthur and Morgana, and Morgana lays it out like it is: “you had a heartfelt moment by a lake in which you explicitly told Merlin to be honest with you in both word and emotion…and then you threw it back in his face.” It’s kind of rewarding when characters point out the hypocritical actions of each other. Someone has needed to call Arthur out on his shit for basically this entire story, so while this is admittedly late (we’re over halfway through this fucker) I’m just going to be glad this is happening at all.

Arthur admits that he might have been in the wrong for being such a dick to Merlin...

...but then he starts moaning and groaning about how he can’t date a man because of Uther and whatnot. Arthur is majorly missing the point here, in my opinion. When Morgana starts shitting on daddy dearest, Arthur gets upset, and she explodes, ranting and raving about how abusive and suppressive Uther has been to both of them (but especially Arthur) all because of his wife’s death. It’s all very dramatic, but there’s been buildup for it, I guess. It ends with Morgana saying she’s disappointed in Arthur before hanging up and leaving Arthur in tears.

Back to Merlin! Again, no indication of this POV change, and I’m starting to get twitchy about it. It appears that Merlin has told both Lancel and Gwaine (because now he’s here too, I guess) all about Arthur and his assholery. Gwaine asks if Arthur has apologized, and Merlin says that he hasn’t seen Arthur in two days. That’s an awful long time to go without seeing someone you live and work with, but that’s just me and my logic talking. What do I know, right?

Gwaine then asks what Merlin is doing for New Years, and Merlin tells him that he’s working. It’s apparently optional, but to me that seems excessive for whatever bullshit internship they have these kids doing. I’m not believing it. Lancel and Gwaine tell Merlin to take a load off and have some fun without Arthur, and Gwaine says, “Merlin, you should know that my parents are obscenely rich, and I am not above extorting their money on a plane ticket to pick your ass up. If you don’t call, I’m coming.” That’s not how you use the word extort, and I really don’t think it would look good on Merlin’s part to just up and leave before the end of an internship where they apparently want you to keep working on both Christmas and New Years, but again, what do I know?

Raiment is once again used to ill effect, and Merlin goes about the rest of his day, buying some groceries and bath bombs before coming home and using one of said bath bombs, then giving Gwaine and Lancel a check in call to wish them good night. Arthur stumbles home after dark and eats some of the chicken Merlin left in the oven. More hints are given about Merlin continuing to not eat: “Merlin had obviously picked at it, but overall it looked untouched, juicy, and beckoning.” It’s contradictory for food to be picked at and untouched at the same time, but since Merlin refuses to eat anything, I’m going to assume it falls more into the untouched category. Arthur then goes to sleep. This little section goes by very quickly, which is kind of odd given how drawn out most everything else has been in this stupid story, but the faster things move along, the sooner I can finish, so I’m not going to complain.

We jump to the next morning at the lab with Merlin and Freya on what I guess is Boxing Day. Good on you for taking Christmas off, Merlin, even if you mostly used it to mope. Bringing Boxing Day up feels like another failed attempt at a Britishism, however. No kudos for that. Freya notes that Merlin looks “different” and that it’s “not in a good way.” Ouch, Freya. So maybe he skipped his beauty routine for the day. Let a guy live. She pesters him about Arthur, and Merlin says he doesn’t want to talk about it, so the topic is dropped. So much for that. Merlin is somehow cheered up by this awkward conversation and the rest of the work day goes smoothly. When he comes home, he fully expects Arthur to be asleep (not sure why, but I’m guessing their sleep schedules don’t match now that they’re fighting, which makes no sense). But no such luck, as Arthur is waiting for Merlin in the kitchen, all while snacking on the leftover stuffing from that chicken Merlin left for him the night before. Arthur notices Merlin wearing the white scarf he gave him for Christmas and calls out to him before Merlin can angrily stalk away to his room.

It’s time for a big, dramatic Talk.

Fun times.

“’We need to talk.’

‘About what?’ he responded mutely.”

Oxymoron. You can’t say words and be mute at the same time. Mutely and quietly are not interchangeable. Your thesaurus has failed you yet again. Might want to put it away for a while.

“Arthur gave him a look that suggested he was seeking patience. ‘Friday night.’

‘I think a spelunking trip is planned—‘”

Spelunking? I don’t even know why they bother with the pretense of work for this stupid all-expenses-paid vacation. Spelunking, camping, stargazing, free food, free transportation, free (swanky) living arrangements, all while on a beach somewhere in the southern hemisphere in December…these “interns” have got it made. Sign me up for this nonsense pronto.

Arthur pretends to apologize for “judging Merlin too soon,” whatever that means in this context, and claims that he wants to know more about Merlin since they’re stuck with each other for another week and a half until this vacation ends. He then decides to bring up that rape Merlin mentioned during Arthur’s Big Gay Panic. I mean, that’s not exactly where I would have wanted to start off this conversation as it seems a gross invasion of Merlin’s privacy, but we’ve already established that Arthur doesn’t give a single shit about that, so carry on, I guess.

He asks who did it, and it turns out it was Will, Merlin’s childhood friend and really the only friend he seemed to have aside from his mutual friends with Arthur. Arthur asks how a lifelong friend could do that to Merlin, and Merlin tries to justify the whole thing:

“’He didn’t grow up in a healthy home…we,’ he shrugged involuntarily, ‘we were close…and grew closer, but when we were officially together he was bullied. We broke up, but it didn’t end. I thought he just needed to gather his courage, that if I waited, he’d move out. We went to the same university, and everything was fine…until he was bullied again.’

He inhaled and continued, ‘He broke it off, but I didn’t understand why. I didn’t understand how much he was hurt over the years and how the scars had festered. I pushed him, but he pushed back…and he felt that he needed to make a point.’

Arthur voice was just above a snarl. ‘How does rape prove a point?’

Merlin felt like his throat was swelling up; his mouth opened, trying to breath but he couldn’t get enough air. ‘He…took pictures…while he did it…and uploaded them to a campus site. I didn’t know…he misjudged the dose of the drugs and I was hospitalized, but when I was discharged…everyone knew I was gay…and…the feedback wasn’t good.’”

M’kay, so there’s a lot to break down here. First, all of the typos and errors in the above quote are actually present in the fic. The breath/breathe mix up is one of my particular writing pet peeves, so I feel it is completely necessary to bring it up as not being my doing.

Anyway, onto the meat of this passage: Merlin and Will were on-again/off-again, mostly because Will was bullied for it. Not sure why Merlin was not also bullied for this, however; if these bullies knew about Will being with a dude, chances are they knew about Merlin too. Odd that these undefined bullies would single only Will out in this situation.

I’m also not sure if Merlin is trying to justify Will’s actions to the reader or to himself. If it’s to himself, then okay, it’s problematic but kind of works with Merlin’s character so far, so I can roll with that. If it’s to the reader (which it kind of seems like it might be)…that’s really fucking gross. Rape is never okay. Raping someone because you had a shitty life does not absolve you of your crime, especially when you photograph your victim and spread the images around as a fucked up means of revenge, and even more so when it is revenge for simply having the audacity to be gay. Not okay.

It also turns out that on top of overdosing Merlin and raping him, Will was the one who gave him mono and Will was physically abusive in the relationship. This seems like massive overkill all for the sake of drama and making Merlin into the biggest victim possible. Kind of like how cartoonishly villainous Uther is in this fic, Will’s actions seem way over the top to me.

Let’s review: he’s a rapist who believes in revenge porn (even when all his victim did was be in a relationship with him; Merlin wasn’t even the one to break things off as far as I can tell, so the revenge aspect of this makes no sense to me), he gave Merlin the mono that is used to explain away the Eating Disorder We Don’t Talk About, he overdosed Merlin on date rape drugs, and he hit Merlin while they were together. Sound excessive to you? It sounds pretty excessive to me. Any of those things would be pretty fucking terrible, but we’ve got to up the ante to make Merlin the biggest damsel possible, so why not have Will do all of the above? Makes sense.

Lastly, I want to mention, if I haven’t already in a previous review, that there is no warning for rape in this story. I would be less likely to point this out had SCD07 not warned for anything, but they did warn for “graphic depictions of violence,” so this seems like a pretty intentional thing to leave off. There is the tag “mentions of rape” on this story, which I feel is woefully inadequate given the graphic assault on Merlin from Agravaine previously and how essential Will’s rape and abuse of Merlin is to Merlin’s character. Had the author put “chose not to warn” on this fic, I would be more okay with having no heads-up about the massive amounts of rape throughout this story, but since they bothered to warn for graphic violence (which we have yet to see), I’m assuming they deliberately left the rape warning off because they didn’t want to spoil it as a plot point (which makes no sense since “mentions of rape” is a tag), or they didn’t see rape as being such a big deal as to need a warning (guess which one I’m leaning towards). Regardless, it’s gross. Have some respect for your readers. Choosing not to warn on stories archived on AO3 is fine so long as your readers know that the lack of warning is a conscious effort on your part as the author, which is shown when you use the “author chose not to warn” tag. But basically writing something like rape off as being unimportant by tagging “mentions of rape” and having no warning? Especially when it’s actually one of the main plot points/character motivations in your story and has been graphically depicted? Fuck you.

Arthur tells Merlin that he shouldn’t be so “reckless” with his sexuality (whatever that means) and that while yes, Arthur is bisexual, he isn’t open about it because “of those reasons.” No reasons are given before this, by the way, so this is vague and unhelpful until the subject of Arthur’s mother is brought up: “I know she was killed in a terrorist attack against minorities, including homosexuals.” Pfft, I almost forgot about that nonsense. Still over the top and funny. Sorry, not sorry.

Merlin tells Arthur that he doesn’t get where Arthur is coming from in wanting to stay in the closet because their friends are so accepting of Merlin’s sexuality and that they accept Arthur for who he is too. (Still doesn’t excuse Lancel from blurting out his closeted friend’s sexuality to you within five minutes of meeting you, Merlin, but whatever.) Arthur’s rebuttal is that his father would disown him. But ah, Merlin has something to say about that too: “’I told you, Uther knows,’ Merlin countered wearily. ‘He’s known since you were four and marrying boys on the playground. It’s just about the only saving grace Uther has: he loves his family.’” Arthur does not take this backhanded compliment well; he is tired of people shitting on his father

Merlin again has something to say about the way the Pendragon family operates: “’Arthur, I’ve met my father recently,’ Merlin informed, ‘and already he and I act more familial than I have ever seen Uther treat you. Both you and Morgana refer to him by his name, and you do so to his face. I call my mother’s name because she can’t hear me out of all the other kids shouting Mom in the middle of the farmer’s market. Your house is a cave…a castle with cold walls; a complete contrast to the garden outside.’” That...seems kind of hypocritical on your part, Merlin. Just because you feel like you have a super close bond with Balinor for whatever reason does not mean that you somehow have a better relationship with him than Arthur does with his father. Especially considering Balinor abandoned Merlin for his entire life up until now, watching over him and sending money when he was sick but doing fuck all besides. Not exactly father of the year material.

And the whole calling your mother by her name in a farmer’s market because a bunch of other kids call their mothers Mom as well? That’s stupid as hell. My mum would be far less likely to respond to me calling her by her given name, since I’ve been using variants of mum since I was small. You can’t call someone out for using their parent’s name when you do the same thing.

They can’t come to a peace over their thoughts concerning Uther, and things remain tense between them. Merlin then says he will go on the spelunking trip only if Arthur isn’t, which seems like a dick thing to say to Arthur’s face, but whatever. They go to bed mad, end scene. This talk solved absolutely nothing and did nothing to further the plot or character development. Glad it happened.

Freya once again comments on how shitty Merlin looks, telling him that even the supervisors have started to take notice. Merlin then blabs about mind palaces and junk and says, “I don’t want to be alone in my head. I want to be with someone, safe outside my thoughts.” End chapter. I honestly have no idea what he means there, but I’m guessing it’s supposed to be angsty and leave us on a cliffhanger of sorts. Not very effective in my opinion, but then again, nothing about the writing in this story is particularly good at what it’s trying to do, so this is par for the course.

Chapter 18

We start this chapter out with Merlin moping around for a bit because of the continuing Arthur situation before he decides to text his father. Remember Balinor’s weird scone promise from way back in chapter 13? No? Well, let me refresh your memory, because this was a while back: “if you ever need anything, so much as a blueberry scone, call me.” So what does Merlin text dear old daddy but: “Hi Dad. If you’re busy, don’t worry about it, but I could use a scone.” I don’t know about you, but this, to me, is an obvious cry for help. Merlin doesn’t really want pastries; he wants his dad. But Balinor, the useless sack of shit that he is, goes way over the top and writes back: “Blueberry, strawberry, mixed berry, blackberry, or plain?” That’s…that’s not what he’s asking for. Also, not important, but there are more scone flavors than just whatever berries you can list off the top of your head. There’s lemon (all kinds of varieties with lemon), poppy seed, orange, cranberry, raisin, etc., and that’s just some sweet ones I can name off the top of my head. Savory is a whole other ball game. Balinor then has to go the extra mile and texts back before Merlin can reply: “Never mind. Yes to all.” Sure. You do you, Balinor.

Merlin tries to cancel his request, but he gets sidetracked by lab/graphics/art/science/whatever bullshit it is that he’s supposed to be doing for “work” on this all-expenses-paid retreat and forgets all about the scone business. After his lab or whatever, he goes to that magical rental store to pick up spelunking gear, which includes boots (still pretty sure that’s not a thing you can rent) and a hardhat. The cashier throws in a raincoat as well because caves. As Merlin is signing the rental agreement, guess who decides to creep up behind him? That’s right, it’s Balinor! 

He came to wherever this is from wherever he was to give Merlin his scones in person. “It was only a two hour flight.” Sure it was. I honestly have no idea where these people are or what they do. Everything is so vague and nonsensical and overly convenient for the plot.

They hug, and Merlin tells Balinor that he didn’t need to come, but Daddy Dearest waves this off. You know, because his son is so important, even though he abandoned him for the past 20-plus years. Water under the bridge though, am I right?

Merlin shows some concern about Balinor’s job, since he just took off out of the blue to go be extra and deliver scones to his long lost son in person, and Balinor casually replies with the following regarding his employees: “They take their New Years celebrations seriously. For some reason they work to the bone on Christmas but New Years is strictly reserved for champagne and whatever illegal luxuries they can manage. I already have thirty drafts of dismissal emails ready.” Wait, what? What sort of “illegal luxuries” are we talking about here? Like prostitutes and cocaine? I’m confused. I’m also really confused about why this is apparently such a common occurrence that Balinor has to expect it every year and will fire people accordingly. What the fuck kind of operation is he running?

But wait, the conversation gets even stranger:

“Merlin blinked, surprised by such a bold response. ‘Do you usually sack people after the holidays?’

Balinor nodded as if it was simply a fact of life. ‘Unfortunately, yes. I can’t say I haven’t grown accustomed to it. Their families are fully compensated for their misdemeanors, though.’”

Huh? You are well prepared to fire your employees for doing illegal shit while they party and talk about it like it happens every year (why else would he be so prepared for it?), yet you claim this isn’t a common occurrence? What? And what exactly does “fully compensated for their misdemeanors” mean? He’ll pay their legal fees after he fires them? I’m so confused. I’m starting to believe that Balinor throws these wild New Years parties himself and provides guests with drugs and prostitutes which, if they partake of them, will get them fired. Because I can’t think of another scenario how this would work.

Anyway, they drop Merlin’s stuff off back at the apartment (Arthur is conveniently absent) before heading to a coffee shop nearby. They order tea and Balinor somehow gets the barista to warm up the scones he brought. How rude. Bringing outside food into a restaurant is bad enough (especially when it’s food that this particular restaurant might serve a version of), but expecting them to warm it up for you as well? Super rude and not believable at all.

Balinor asks if he can go spelunking with Merlin the next day. Merlin is (rightly) a bit baffled by this offer, and Balinor explains himself: “Obviously you need to get your mind off something. I may not be the best option, but I’ll be exuberant to explore some caves with my son. They are federally protected; it is a crime punishable by death to take or carve from the crystals in the caves.” That last bit kind of came out of nowhere, didn’t it? Not sure about its relevance but holy shit. Where are they that people are killed for vandalizing a cave? Yikes.

Balinor wants Merlin to tell him what’s wrong, and Merlin gives him a very brief summary of the whole Arthur fiasco. Balinor tells him that he deserves better (I hate Merlin, but this is true), and Merlin feels better about the whole thing before then randomly falling back into doubt: “Even so, he felt as if he were walking away from a cake he hadn’t tasted, one promising every nutrient under the sun along with the promise of no sugar crash. Merlin stymied the encroaching dark thoughts by pondering if he should just eat cake instead of pining for Arthur. It would help with my weight…” Ugh. I’m not even going to bother dissecting that. You can probably guess what I would say about it anyway. Love yourself, Merlin.

Balinor asks Merlin if Arthur gave any reasons for his Big Gay Panic, and Merlin justifies Arthur’s shitty behavior with the tale of how his mother “was killed in an attack against homosexuals” and how this has affected his family life, what with Uther going crazy and the whole threat of being disowned for being gay because of misplaced aggression or whatever. It’s all very stupid and contrived, especially since the whole terrorist attack thing is still so ridiculous that I cannot read past reference to it without either chuckling or rolling my eyes (sometimes both).

Balinor is a little surprised at this because he sees Arthur’s behavior as cowardly regardless of his justifications for it (it is cowardly, good job, Balinor), and Arthur is “more than capable of taking care of himself in the workforce.” Okay, those things have nothing to do with each other, but carry on.

They talk about classes for next semester, and it turns out that Merlin won’t really be interacting with Arthur in a classroom setting, which is bittersweet because Merlin wants to be close to Arthur but it’s painful now. Blah, blah, melodrama. Balinor tells him that Gaius will be around to talk if Merlin needs him, and that he can always arrange a plane to go visit Hunith if Merlin wants that. Merlin says he’d rather avoid going back to “that place more often than necessary.” Ouch. Kind of a weird thing to say when you dropped everything to go there last-minute in that one chapter, but if that’s where the whole rape and abuse thing happened with Will (which I guess it was), this statement makes some sense. Still no reason for his lack of hesitation in going home before.

They talk more before things wind down and Balinor drops Merlin off at home. Arthur is now there (supposedly he just woke up from a nap or something because he is described as sleepy) and he asks about whom Merlin was just with at the door. Merlin is really rude about it, and slams his bedroom door in Arthur’s face. Way to go on reconciling that relationship, Merlin.

Skip to the next day. More father-son hugging/kissing when Merlin and Balinor meet up (still feels like overcompensation for Balinor’s abandonment of his son), and they go exploring the caves. No one pays Balinor much attention as the interns all assume he’s another tour guide or something. The word japing is used instead of joking, and it really doesn’t work in context. Stop inserting words like this into your writing, SCD07; it’s really jarring and doesn’t have the effect that you think it does. Merlin gets all weird about hanging out with his father because he never had this experience growing up, and I’m getting progressively more annoyed at how little Merlin seems to care that this man jumped ship and abandoned him up until now and would probably have kept being absent if they hadn’t somehow run into each other at that party. I would be super bitter about the whole thing, not giddy that daddy dearest is embarrassing me in front of my friends by being overly affectionate.

You can’t fix years of neglect with a few hugs and some scones. Come on, now.

They start exploring the caves, which for some reason have heaters in them: “stone, water, and coldness filling their lungs except for the occasional heaters wafting warmth against their legs.” Weird. I’ve never heard of caves with that particular feature. Merlin is in awe of the crystals scattered throughout the cave, which they can see thanks to the electric lights that apparently also inhabit this cave. Also weird. But wait, these crystals aren’t just beautiful; they’re kind of magic too:

“’Here’s the best part,’ Balinor said, calling his attention to a smaller bundle he leaned over. ‘Place your hand lightly over the peaks,’ he directed when Merlin joined him.

Merlin did as his father was, holding his hand aloft and just barely touching the spires of crystal as the man hummed a note deep in his chest. Merlin laughed openly when the sound reverberated through the particles and tickled his palm. ‘Go on,’ his father suggested, ‘Sing a note.’

Licking his lips, his mind centered on a sound, and he breathed it out. The note trilled up one shaft and then another, rippling along the petals of the crystal flower. By this point Merlin was beaming like a fool and laughing merrily. ‘It is hard to hear with the commotion,’ Balinor explained, ‘but they echo the sound back to you. The tour guides don’t tell you because if they did, tourists would never leave and the shards would be sold on Amazon.’”

Um, wasn’t he just telling us a few minutes ago that taking crystals out of the caves was punishable by death? Much as capitalism rules this world, I highly doubt that massive amounts of tourists are willing to risk their lives for a quick buck on some singing crystals.

Also, sound doesn’t carry through rock like that. While it is true that crystals can carry sound—both quartz and tourmaline have been used for radio purposes—the crystals need to be flawless and cannot be twinned, meaning those lovely “flower” clusters that were described in that passage wouldn’t do jack shit. Almost all natural quartz is too full of flaws to be used for any practical purpose (though it can make for some impressive specimens and jewelry). You also need some sort of electrical current to get this to work, so just placing your hand over a rock and humming a note won’t do much, unless it’s the architecture of the cave itself causing the echo, in which case the sounds of the group talking would echo just as much as the humming. Try again.

By the way, most of the crystals found in caves are neither quartz nor tourmaline, but calcium-based minerals such as calcite, aragonite, and selenite. Some of the most impressive crystal photos you’ll see from spelunking photos are either calcite or selenite. Caves are primarily formed from limestone, of which calcite and aragonite are major components. Not much silica to be found there, hence the lack of quartz.

See, mum and dad, I took some of your geology ramblings to heart. Aren’t you proud?

Back to the story at hand. It’s time to leave, but Merlin overbalances or trips or something along those lines, causing him to fall into the welcoming arms of the sharp crystals below. His glasses fall off because of course they do (get those things properly fitted and this shit wouldn’t happen so much, Merlin), and he starts to panic and cry out for his dad. Balinor comes to his rescue, even finding his glasses for him like a good dad should. He points out to Merlin that the glasses are cracked (because Merlin never bothered to try and get that shit fixed), and Merlin brushes it away with a quip about it being Arthur’s fault. Not wrong there, I guess. Balinor finds this funny and says, “Nothing violent, I hope?” Um. Since Balinor was supposedly there to take care of Merlin after the whole Will fiasco, it’s not totally out of the ballpark for me to assume he knew about the abuse, right? This is in pretty poor taste to find amusing regardless, but it’s especially gross with a history like that and with how Arthur treats Merlin in this story. Abuse is so funny, haha.

They have an emotional moment where Balinor tells Merlin about how he’s beautiful and deserves all the good things in life because how could his spawn not be anything less than great, and Merlin is self-deprecating, but he does finally point out Balinor’s whole abandoning his family thing, which has been conveniently ignored this whole time, so there’s at least a little progress on that front. The chapter ends with the two of them singing together in the cave by themselves because they’ve been abandoned by their tour group. Not sure why this would not be a big deal considering people get killed for taking these crystals, but I guess these two are special or something. I don’t even care anymore.

#merlin #bbc merlin #Merlin fanfiction #review #broken chemistry #daddy issues #rock facts #making my parents proud #this story never ends #I've created my own hell

[merlinficreview]

The Student Prince Chapters 31-35 Review!

The Student Prince by FayJay

Word Count: 145222

Chapter 31

“Glad to hear u r OK. Sorry cannot come back this term. Merry Xmas.” That’s the opening of this chapter. It’s a text from Arthur to Merlin and Merlin starts freaking out that Arthur wants nothing to do with him after that whole murder situation. “Of course, Merlin was pretty damned sure that if he'd just seen somebody he was sleeping with turn around and kill somebody they both knew – kill them really quite horribly, and whilst they were trying to run away, at that – well, he'd probably have been a bit horrified himself.” At least Merlin is somewhat self-aware.

Merlin has a chat with Morgause who tells him that he’ll end up killing more people if he takes the job to protect Arthur. Merlin acts like this is brand new information.

Later, Lance and Merlin are getting ice cream and Merlin asks Lance if he would stop loving Gwen if she robbed a bank. Hopefully not. How else is he supposed to get his share of the loot? Anyways, Lance of course says he wouldn’t and brings up Arthur because Merlin is not subtle. Lance tells Merlin to not assume things on Arthur’s behalf. That’s pretty good advice.

Merlin has an aneurism over sending an “I miss you” text to Arthur. Arthur responds with, “Me 2. Hope to see u in the New Year.” Yikes. That’s not really something you text your boyfriend. It would be more like, “See you in the New Year!”

Chapter 32

Merlin and Gwen are taking the train home and Gwen is worried about seeing her mother’s side of the family.

Merlin worries about Arthur, “He was wondering where Arthur was right now, and what he was doing. It was five days since he'd seen his face.” Wait, I’m sorry. It’s only been FIVE DAYS? Calm the fuck down, Merlin, damn. I thought it had been like two weeks or something.

Gwen invites Merlin to go see fireworks with her, Lance and a few other people. Merlin asks if he can bring Will.

Merlin gets home to his mother, “And then he was ringing the doorbell, and he could make out his mother's sihouette through the frosted glass, and a moment later he was holding her tight, startled again that she was so much smaller than she should be and losing himself in the familiar smell of her hair and the warm press of her arms.” Why the hell is he ringing to doorbell to his own home? That’s really weird.

“There was so much he wanted to tell her – about his magic, and about Arthur, and about Morgana and Gaius and Gwen and everything that had happened to him since she waved him off at the train all those months ago. But he couldn't find the words, and he had a lowering suspicion that if he did try to explain himself he'd end up in tears.” Has… Merlin not spoken to his mother since September? What?

A couple of days before Christmas, Morgana breaks her radio silence and asks Merlin, “’Oh my God, Merlin, did you know?’ ‘...sorry?’ ‘Did you know what he was going to do?’ she hissed.” “’You didn't know? Bloody hell fire, I never thought – Uther's going absolutely ballistic. I don't think they're going to show the whole thing on the Beeb after all – at least he's trying to stop them from airing it, but they're quoting the Royal Charter back at him, and it's all on tape, and they've got an army of lawyers, and he can't actually have Mark Thompson or Martin Bashir beheaded, however much he might want...’ her voice was stifled suddenly, and Merlin strained to pick up what was happening. ‘Shit – sorry, got to go. Look, if they air it – you'll want to watch it.’” How fucking useless. I fucking hate it when people start a conversation to make a massive big deal about something and then don’t answer questions or explain what the fuck is going on. It’s a huge pet peeve for me.

Merlin texts Arthur asking what the fuck is going on and his response to Merlin is just as useless as Morgana’s phone call, “Everything alrightish. Do not think pater likes his Xmas present much. Please watch Bashir interview tomorrow if it airs? Am v. sorry about all of this. <3”

Then the chapter ends on that cliffhanger. It would be annoying if it wasn’t painfully obvious that Arthur outed himself in the interview.

Chapter 33

Merlin and his mother are watching the interview Arthur gave and she gets all up in Merlin’s business trying to get him to tell her what the big reveal is. Calm down.

“’How are you finding life as a student?’ Bashir asked, his voice warm and attentive. Arthur smiled. ‘Obviously I have quite a heavy workload, with essays and presentations and things – International Relations is fascinating, but it's not exactly a walk in the park.’ He laughed. ‘And my other subjects are just as bad! I'm afraid I've spent a lot of late nights in the library – that's a bit sad, isn't it?’” What? That’s news to me. When has Arthur ever gone to the library? Does he even know where it is? Arthur is a liar.

Arthur tells the interviewer all about Raisin Sunday and Half of Monday. “’That sounds like fun!’ said Merlin's mother, beaming over at him. ‘Did you do that, cariad?’” I am convinced that Merlin literally never called his mother once in four months. How would she not know any of this? Merlin is a horrible son.

“’Well – more or less like a normal student. There are always bodyguards, and so forth, but I do my own laundry and burn my own toast, like anyone else.’….” Again, when? Arthur gets his toast from the cafeteria. Stop making up weird lies, Arthur.

The interviewer awkwardly asks Arthur about a girlfriend. They have a really long winded conversation where they really beat a dead horse instead of actually getting to the point and Arthur says at least four times, “I don’t think I’ll ever get married,” and the interviewer kind of drops the ball. It’s an annoying conversation because all Arthur had to do was say, “I’ll probably never get married because I’m gay,” instead of beating around the bush for 84 years.

“’I'm really not expecting to meet the girl of my dreams over a jar of coffee, because I'm gay, Martin,’ Arthur said, each word clear and deliberate.” Fucking finally. He could have just said that the second the dude brought up the parents meeting over coffee story instead of going on and on and on and on.

Arthur gives a big long speech about how he can’t hide his sexuality with all the bullies and hate crimes and such and I’m just kind of “too little too late” because he never once did anything about Kay, who he even praised in the interview. So it’s fallen on deaf ears for me.

The interviewer asks Arthur if he has a boyfriend and Arthur says that he hopes so. I would actually be furious with Arthur if I was Merlin, to be honest. Arthur did this entire thing and outed their relationship to the entire world without so much as a heads up to Merlin. He’s an ass. Merlin of course doesn’t see it that way and flips his shit. "Merlin?" said Hunith, her voice going suddenly shrill. “Merlin? tell me you didn't seduce the Prince of Wales? You're not having an affair with Prince Arthur, are you? You're not, are you? Merlin?” Merlin does not love his mother. He doesn’t tell her shit. She probably doesn’t even know what his major is.

Chapter 34

Gwen immediately calls Merlin and confronts him about being with Arthur. Merlin says it’s true then gets off the phone with her to call Arthur… who doesn’t answer.

Merlin then calls Morgana who answers the phone with a whisper. “’Oh, thank God – is this a good time?’ he asked, wondering where she was and who was listening.” I mean, I feel like her answering the phone with a whisper is a fairly good indication that it’s not a good time but what do I know? Morgana tells Merlin that Uther is pissed and that he has to rewrite the whole King’s Speech now to address Arthur’s coming out. Morgana says shit has really hit the fan and she’s worried that Arthur is going to be forced to step out of the line of succession which would make her the heir to the throne. Merlin tells Morgana to tell Arthur he loves him and then they hang up.

Gaius calls Merlin and asks him about that love spell from forever ago. Merlin tells Gaius that he was the one who kissed Arthur and broke the spell. Gaius is worried about Uther’s feelings about Merlin once he finds out that Merlin is the one whom Arthur came out for. Then Gaius is, as usual, a useless critical asshole, yelling at Merlin for shit that isn’t his fault. “’Really – do you stay up late at night trying to work out the most stressful thing you can throw at me?’ ‘No!’ Merlin said. And then he felt a wash of guilt, because Gaius was an old man. ‘No, sir. Sorry, sir.’ ‘When I asked you to try to keep out of trouble over Christmas, this really wasn't what I meant, you know.’ ‘But this isn't my fault!’ ‘And yet here you are in the middle of it again, Merlin.’” Then he makes it even worse by asking Merlin if he has any siblings. Gaius is the worst.

Christmas Morning, Merlin and Hunith are watching the news and Kay gets the most infuriating redemption arc ever. He assaults a journalist who is trying to offer him money for information on Arthur. “I'll stick your bloody camera where the sun don't shine, you scum! Offering me bloody money for dirt on Arthur! You're not worth the mud under his shoes, you leeches, even if he is a bloody poof! He's our bloody poof!”

Like… am I supposed to forget all the shit he’s pulled? Because I don’t. Merlin thinks about how he is rooting for Kay and he and his mother decided it’s great how loyal he is to Arthur. What. The. Fuck. Nope. Fuck right off with that.

Chapter 35

Uther gives his King’s Speech and it’s all very boring and blah blah blah. Here’s the only part we care about, “Let me make this absolutely clear: Arthur is, and will remain, the heir to the throne. Whether the Church of England finds the prospect of him eventually becoming Head of the Church of England to be tenable or not is of course a matter for the Archbishop of Canterbury and his colleagues to discuss, and it is possible that when he succeeds me as king he will not succeed me as Head of the Church.’ Uther's voice dropped lower, and his expression grew sterner. ‘But succeed me he most certainly will.’” Good job, Uther.

The King’s Speech ends and Merlin’s mother is super annoying, “’Ooh, no,’ said Hunith, shaking her head in disapproval. ‘I don't know about importing random Germans to be king! No, no, you'll have to sort something out with a surrogate mother, or adopt a Romanian orphan or something.’” 

This isn’t the first time she’s said anything like this either. Merlin and Arthur have been together for like two months and they are 18. Stop it. Merlin agrees with me.

Morgana and Merlin text each other and it’s weird because they get super specific when in the previous chapter she says she shouldn’t talk to him on the phone because paparazzi have spies on the phones. Whatever. Morgana says Arthur left Merlin a message, “I quote: ‘Second star to the right, and straight on till morning. Another stupid adventure. Come and be king of the world?’ Does that make any sense to you?”

Merlin creates a magic door on his bedroom and has a chat with the dragon. They banter. Merlin just tells him he wants the dragon to take him somewhere in a few days. Well that was stupid. Now Merlin is stuck with the dragon. Why didn’t he just create the door the day he wanted to go somewhere?

Merlin and Arthur meet at that building they snuck into and spent the night at that one time. They have a big conversation and make out and it’s nice but it’s right in front of Arthur’s bodyguard so it’s super awkward. Then Arthur invites Merlin to go with him to meet Uther. The end.

So that’s all folks. The famed Student Prince fic! Now I know sometimes in reviews I come off sounding a little hateful but I do actually like this fic for the most part. The parts I hate just kind of overshadow the parts I like. I dislike Gwen and Lance in this fic because their will they won’t they set up is so infuriating but not in a well written angsty way. It’s ridiculous and no real person acts the way they do in this fic. I also HATE Kay. There was absolutely no reason to have him written the way he was and then continuously beat us over the head with it in EVERY. SINGLE. SCENE. Then that redemption arc? Get the fuck out of here with that. I found Arthur to be genuinely unlikable. He’s an asshole to Merlin during the whole Raisin Weekend thing and he’s an asshole when it comes to his weird undying loyalty to Kay. Fucking. Stop. That’s about all want to say about the fic. I feel like anything would just repeating myself. I did like the general Arthur/Merlin angst, minus when Arthur is being an asshole towards Merlin. I also like Raisin Sunday and Half of Monday.

Until next time!

#merlin #bbc merlin #merlin fic #review #Student Prince #that's all folks #worst redemption arc ever #it solves nothing #kay still needs to be hit by a bus #arthur doesn't respect merlin #merlin is a murderer though

[merlinficreview]

The Student Prince Chapters 26-30 Review!

The Student Prince by FayJay

Word Count: 145222

Chapter 26

We open chapter 26 with, "They fired Val."

I mean duh. You can’t just leave the heir to the throne alone for several hours every week. Arthur goes on a massive rant about how stupid his dad is for firing Val and I’m just getting Charlie Brown teacher speaking the whole time in my head reading it. Shut up, Arthur, your dad is 100% in the right for firing Val.

Merlin tells Arthur to just give Val a reference himself. Again, duh. Arthur’s not a very bright boy, is he?

“He grinned at Merlin. ‘Hey, I tell you what, though – the pater thinks that you're the bee's knees. Apparently he had no idea that my roommate was a wizard, but he thinks that we should spend lots of time together.’” Um… this makes no sense. Wasn’t the whole reason Merlin roomed with Arthur because Merlin is a wizard and is the one assigned to protect him? In Chapter 2 this happens, “Professor Gaius cracked a smile. ‘My dear child, I authorised it. If Mrs Singh is to be believed, you are far and away the most gifted wizard of your generation. The most powerful wizard in Britain is always kept close to the king – or queen – to be ready with protection or advice as needed. In time, that role will fall to you. I'm just helping you to prepare for your destiny.’” So I don’t believe for one second that Uther didn’t know Merlin was a wizard.

Later, Merlin, Arthur, Kay, Gawain and Lance are at a pub talking about football. It’s all super boring to me. Kay is bitching to everyone about how the teams they support aren’t “real” teams and as per usual, Kay can fuck off.

Oh, P.S. I’ve recently discovered Schitt’s Creek and love the reaction gifs. So be prepared for a Schitt (haha) ton of them. Sorry not sorry.

Then Arthur starts sending Merlin dirty texts.  Arthur convinces Merlin to meet him in the bathroom for a blow job. “’That was – that was really stupid,’ Merlin muttered, and Arthur pressed another kiss onto the corner of his mouth, like a prize. ‘I know,’ he admitted, hitching his underwear and his jeans back up and having the grace to look rather embarrassed, now that he'd had his bloody way. ‘We really can't do that again. I just – I wanted to know you're mine. I wanted to know I could have you. Now, or whenever I want.’” Comments like this are such huge red flags. That possessiveness is not cute, Arthur.

Anyways, Lance walks in when they are cleaning up and pretty easily figures everything out. He keeps asking about whether or not Gwen knows. Why is everyone so behind the times with this shit? Do these people not communicate? I thought they were supposed to be friends. Arthur tells Lance the exact same thing Merlin has been telling him for months: Gwen is into him and Lance should ask her out, blah blah blah; I no longer fucking care. For some reason he believes Arthur when he never believed Merlin. Whatever. Lance promises not to tell anyone he saw Arthur and Merlin together.

Later Merlin gets a text from Gwen telling him that Lance asked her out. Again, whatever.

Chapter 27

Nothing really happens in this chapter. It snows so Arthur and Merlin meet their guy friends outside for a snowball fight.

Afterwards, Arthur lectures Merlin about not shaving because it means they can’t kiss. Then they have sex and Arthur throws up another red flag, “’You're all mine, aren't you?’ said Arthur, hoarsely, at last. ‘Not ever going off with that bloody Edwin again, or anyone else – just mine.’” Though I do agree that Merlin should stay away from Edwin, what with him being THIRTY and all. Also, Arthur’s bodyguards must be really fucking stupid. Isn’t there someone posted outside Arthur’s room at all times? And don’t the bodyguards have rooms right next to Arthur and Merlin? How can they be having all this loud sex and no one has figured it out? Not a group I’d want to keep track of the heir to the throne.

Chapter 28

Merlin, Arthur and Co are at the Vic when Merlin spots some of his Gaysoc friends. One of them, Cedric, has a black eye. Merlin asks him about it and Cedric says he was the victim of a hate crime by other students but he doesn’t know exactly who did it. Poor Cedric. Then they invite Merlin to go clubbing with them in the near future.

Prepare yourselves for what’s about to happen next, gang.

When Merlin goes back to his “friends” we get this lovely nonsense after Merlin tells them what happened, “’Well, come on,’ said Kay. ‘Is there any bloody wonder?’ Merlin counted to ten silently. ‘I'm sorry – what?’ he said, when he could trust his voice. ‘Well, have you seen him? God, there's swishy, and then there's The Return Of Julian Clary.’ He shrugged. ‘I'm just surprised it's taken this long for somebody to kick his head in, frankly.’ ‘Easy now,’ said Gawain. ‘Oh, bollocks. I saw him walking around a bar wearing a purple smoking jacket one day,’ Kay scoffed. ‘He was totally asking for it.’”

Yup he was asking for it, by wearing a jacket. Gawain’s “easy there,” is the only thing anyone says by the way. Gawain then fucks up his barely there confrontation by turning around and agreeing with Kay, “’Ah, come on, now, Mao! He's not saying the feckers were right to beat the shite out of your man there!’ said Gawain. ‘Obviously they're scum. Just – he's been a mite provocative, you know? Lot of people find that kind of thing upsetting.’ Merlin stared at him. ‘What – smoking jackets?’ ‘Aye, well – there are some headcases out there,’ said Gawain, shrugging. ‘He might be better off keeping his head down a bit more, that's all.’”

Except that is literally EXACTLY what Kay said. Just when I was rooting for you Gawain. Fuck all of you.

Merlin does the only thing he can possibly do in the situation and leaves. Oh were you wondering what Arthur does during all of this? Fucking nothing. Then when Merlin gets up to leave, “’Merlin!’ said Arthur, and Merlin couldn't help turning back and meeting his gaze. Arthur looked embarrassed, and more than a little ashamed – but he still wasn't speaking up. He didn't have to out himself damn it! He could just tell Kay that he was full of shit. Merlin couldn't understand why he was holding off. He turned on his heel and walked out of the bar, feeling like somebody had scooped out his heart, and went to talk to the dragon.” Merlin is totally right here. Arthur telling Kay to knock it the fuck off isn’t proclaiming himself gay. He could just as easily say, “Stop with the homophobic victim blaming bullshit, Kay.” That’s it. Remember how your friends are a reflection of who you are? There you go.

So Merlin goes and talks to the dragon, who is as useless as always. Then he goes to talk to Lance in a scene that we don’t see.

Later, Merlin is in his dorm room when Arthur comes in. “’I'm sorry,’ said Arthur, as the door closed behind him. There was an awkward little moment, and then Arthur crossed the room to stand next to Merlin's bed. Merlin still didn't look up at him. Arthur sighed. ‘I fucked up. I'm sorry.’” This would probably be more meaningful if Arthur hadn’t done this a thousand times before. Kay has been spouting his gross bullshit at Merlin for MONTHS and no one has ever said anything. Or you know, stopped associating with him, which is what they should have done. So this is a pretty empty apology as far as I’m concerned.

Merlin reads Arthur the riot act about how fucking awful Kay is and Arthur just refuses to listen and defends him over and over. It’s incredibly frustrating to read, I just have to copy and paste the whole thing because it’s that absurd.

“’Kay's a dick,’ said Merlin. ‘I don't understand why you put up with him.’ ‘He means well,’ said Arthur. ‘He does not mean well! You just get to ignore all the ways he's a dick because you're a rich white bloke, and passing as straight!’ ‘No, that's not fair," Arthur said, crossly. Merlin just looked at him until he crumbled. ‘Well – well, okay, I suppose I can see your point. But I've known him forever, and he's been a good friend to me. I trust him.’ ‘Does he know you like cock?’ ‘I – well, I mean, you know, at Eton most people – I mean, there were no girls. Um. But that didn't really count. He wouldn't think it counted. So – well, no, not really.’ ‘So you don't trust him.’ Arthur raked a hand through his hair. ‘He's – look, I know why you don't like him, and I'm not saying you're wrong, but Kay never lies to me, and I know he isn't trying to use me to get something, and I know that he'll always have my back. Maybe that doesn't sound like much to you, but to me – there haven't been all that many people I could say that about, in my life, and – it counts for something. It counts for a lot. Even if he is kind of a dickhead.’ Merlin considered this. ‘He's a bully.’ ‘No – well, no, he – well.’ Arthur bit his bottom lip. ‘Well, yes, okay. He is a bit of a bully, but if you stand up to him he's fine.’”

All of Merlin’s points seem familiar...

Oh right, that’s why.

None of that makes any fucking sense, Arthur.

Everything Arthur says to defend Kay is so easily dismissed by Merlin and yet Arthur keeps trying. This shit is why I am so suspicious of Arthur’s group of friends. You don’t hang out with someone who is so awful for so long without agreeing with their nonsense or at least some of it. You just don’t. I think I’ve read one conversation involving Kay where he doesn’t say something misogynistic or homophobic and even in that conversation, he’s still an asshole. That means he does literally nothing else except spout hateful nonsense to people. Which means his friends participate in it, just not in font of Merlin, because there’s literally nothing else Kay talks about. If they weren’t participating, they wouldn’t be friends with Kay because they would have nothing else to talk to him about.

Run Merlin. Fucking run.

“You should have said something. God, when I thought you were straight – you would have said something, a month ago.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA at Merlin believing this. I think Arthur has told Kay to shut up exactly one time. No Merlin, Arthur would NOT have said anything.

Arthur gives Merlin a stupid non-apology and Merlin immediately forgives Arthur for no reason. So nothing gets resolved whatsoever.

Chapter 29

This chapter opens up with Arthur, Merlin and Blanche talking about Christmas. Arthur is going to be giving an interview or something. Kay shows up. He’s homophobic and sexist as usual. No one says anything, as usual. Kay goes on and on about some princess Arthur is supposed to marry. It’s annoying and a waste of time because we’ve read basically this same scene about 20 times at this point.

Merlin gets up and leaves the table.

Merlin goes and hangs out with the dragon on the plane for a while and the dragon casually mentions that Val sabotaged the engines when Merlin and Arthur almost crashed. I mean… duh? I don’t feel like the dragon should have to tell Merlin this. It was pretty obvious. I also feel like this should have been addressed sooner but since Arthur is on his way to meet Val to exchange Christmas gifts, we needed to get that drama for drama’s sake in there.

Merlin finds Arthur alone on the beach with Val and Ewan. Merlin teleports to them and puts himself in front of Arthur as Val shoots at him. Merlin turns the bullets into bees. Then Merlin makes a whole bunch of bees and makes them swarm on Val, killing him.

Arthur asks Merlin what he did, Merlin tells Arthur that Val was the one who tried to kill him. Arthur looks terrified at Merlin, who then passes out.

Anyone else find Merlin becoming a hella ruthless murderer come out of nowhere? He could have just restrained him. Merlin’s never been a violent person up until this point.

Chapter 30

We get a couple of cliché scenes of Merlin waking up and being disoriented just to fall unconscious again. Whatever. Finally he wakes up to Gaius telling Merlin that Arthur and Ewan are fine.

“’Oh my God,’ he exclaimed, his voice going suddenly high with shock. ‘I killed a man.’ He drew in his breath with a hiss and stared at the wall, trying to make sense of that, trying to fit his sense of who he was around this new thing. ‘I killed a man. I used my magic for that.’” Merlin realizes what he did and he thinks about how he would do it again for anyone he loved without hesitation. “Merlin would not stand by and let innocent people become victims. Not when he could stop it.” Here’s the thing though, he didn’t just stop Val. He straight up murdered a bitch without thinking. Val was, at the time, not actively trying to murder Arthur anymore. He was running away. There was no reason for Merlin to kill him over just stopping him.

Gaius actually gives Merlin not shitty words of wisdom for once, “Gaius looked away. ‘I would like to say no, Merlin. But I'm afraid that would be a lie. Sometimes one does not have the luxury of being the person one would like to be. And sometimes there are no honourable options, and one must choose the least dishonourable.’” Good job, Gaius.

Gonna have to disagree that Merlin did the least dishonorable thing though.

Merlin tells Gaius what happened, “Gaius raised one hand. ‘Sorry – am I to understand that you have actual conversations with the Great Dragon?’ he interrupted, in a tight voice. Merlin nodded. Gaius closed his eyes for a pained moment. ‘I see. And it didn't occur to you to mention this earlier?’ ‘Er – I thought this was obvious? When I told you that I'd put him into the plane?’” I agree with Merlin. I don’t know why Gaius is acting like this is brand new information.

So Merlin tells Gaius that the dragon told Merlin that Val was the one who broke the engines, “Yes. And I felt like such an idiot for not wondering more about what had happened, and getting totally sidetracked by – by – er, by other things.” That’s what I said! It doesn’t make sense to me though that Merlin wouldn’t want to figure out what happened, no matter how distracted he was by sex with Arthur. Arthur is supposed to be the love of his life and Merlin wasn’t the tiniest bit curious about who had tried to murder him? REALLY? I find that incredibly unbelievable. If someone tried to kill someone I loved, I wouldn’t stop until I figured out what happened. Even if I believed that Merlin was so stupid he really thought the engines both just spontaneously stopped working as the result of an accident or mechanical failure at exactly the same time, I find it weird that Merlin wouldn’t want to figure out what made them stop working.

Anyways, Gaius tells Merlin that Uther wants to employ Merlin full time as Arthur’s bodyguard. So… doing exactly what he’s already been doing. He’s been Arthur’s bodyguard this entire time. That’s literally the reason he goes to school for free and why he shares a room with Arthur. Why are there so many continuity issues these last few chapters or so?

Gaius asks Merlin why Val tried to kill Arthur, “’Money,’ said Merlin, tightly. ‘It was just the money. It was for some splinter group of the Provisional IRA, but Val didn't care about the cause – he was just doing it because they'd offered him such a lot of cash. It was supposed to be the first of several key strikes, but he didn't know what the others were going to be.’ He shook his head, remembering the crawling sense of horror. ‘He could have done it any time, you know – he'd been ready to act for months, and was just waiting for the word to strike. God. If I hadn't been in the plane with Arthur that day – I mean, it was so close! And if he hadn't decided to get stupidly fancy and sabotage the plane – if he'd just shot Arthur on his morning run one day...’ his voice trailed off, and Merlin shuddered.”

How could Merlin POSSIBLY know this? The dragon didn’t tell him and as soon as Merlin found out Val was the one who broke the engines, he went directly to find Arthur. Then after her murdered Val, he promptly passed out until this moment. There’s no way Merlin could know this information.

Merlin asks where Arthur is and Gaius tells him he’s being protected by bodyguards and Nimueh. Merlin acts surprised by this and asks Gaius about it, “’Oh, she's no fan of His Majesty the King, but she loved Igraine, and she'll not let any harm come to Igraine's son on her watch. You surely didn't imagine that Arthur had been bereft of magical protection until you came along?’ Merlin blinked. ‘Well,’ he said. ‘I thought you said that the wizards were pissed off with Uther?’ ‘Oh, the King is not exactly going to be winning any popularity contests among the wizarding community, but he's always had magical security staff.’” This is exactly why I don’t buy that Uther was unaware that Merlin was a sorcerer. Gaius flat out says that Arthur has always been protected by magic users and that Uther has always had a magical staff. So he just let Arthur travel far away without any magical protection whatsoever when up until going to University, Arthur’s always had it? Yeah, there’s no way that happened. So he HAD to have known about Merlin. Gaius tells Merlin that Morgana is with Arthur in London. Then he leaves.

Not much else to say about this post other than what I’ve already mentioned. I still hate Kay and I HATE that his behavior is portrayed as acceptable. I hate that Arthur is cool with Kay spouting all that bullshit just because he’s “loyal.” What? REALLY? That’s the type of person you want to be loyal to you, Arthur? WHY? I also found it stupid and unbelievable that Merlin never once was like, “Well golly gee, that sure was a strange plane malfunction. I should look into that so the love of my life isn’t in danger of dying like that again!” Still don’t believe Uther had no idea Merlin was a wizard too. Not buying it, sorry.

I know I say this a lot but I HATE drama for drama’s sake. Cut that shit out, authors. You can create drama without it being super obvious that’s exactly what you were doing. If your characters are behaving in totally unrealistic ways just so you can shoehorn in that major drama plotline, stop it and find another way to do it.

Until next time:

#merlin #bbc merlin #merlin fic #The Student Prince #review #Kay needs to die #drama for drama's sake #nothing makes sense #everyone is stupid #merlin is a stone cold killer

[merlinficreview]

The Student Prince Chapters 21-25 Review!

The Student Prince by FayJay

Word Count: 145222

Chapter 21

This chapter starts with Merlin complaining about how what he and Arthur are doing is stupid. I feel like a lot chapters start this way. Find another kind of transition. Merlin seems to be carrying all the bags. Which is stupid, but Arthur says that Merlin lost Rock, Paper Scissors. “’You are not my lord and master, Arthur,’ Merlin grumbled. ‘Oh, I am, though,’ said Arthur, in an appallingly sexy voice that almost made Merlin trip over his feet. ‘And you know it. I own your arse, Merlin Emrys, and don't you go forgetting it.’”

I mean, how else is Merlin supposed to take that? I have literally never in my life said something like that to someone, especially in a platonic sort of way. “Merlin swallowed hard, and didn't trust himself to answer that for a moment or two. He really couldn't imagine how Arthur could hope to pass that particular assertion off as anything but flirting, but here they were still officially doing the platonic dance.” See, Merlin agrees with me.

Apparently Merlin and Arthur are doing whatever it is that they’re doing, because Morgana dared Arthur to. There’s some banter and we finally learn what they are doing, “You want to bet Morgana did it in summer? Because I'm here to tell you there's no bloody way she's dim enough to freeze her shapely arse off at the top of St Rule's Tower to impress somebody.”

Merlin asks Arthur what it’s like to fly in a plane and Arthur offers to take Merlin up in his plane on Sunday. “Merlin's jaw dropped. ‘No, I – sorry, I wasn't angling for any favours,’ he said, suddenly mortified. ‘I didn't mean...’ ‘I know you didn't, you ass. But come with me anyway? You'll love it. There's plenty of space in the plane. Say yes?’ ‘Well – I – well, okay then – yes,’ Merlin said, awkward and pleased. ‘Um. Thank you?’” That’s kind of sweet of Arthur, wanting to share his personal private time where he actually gets to do the one thing he likes with Merlin.

They lay down to sleep, which seems like their whole trip was for nothing if they were just going to go right to bed as soon as they got to the top of the tower, but whatever. “’Jesus, it's fucking freezing,’ said Arthur, after a few minutes, sounding chastened, and Merlin laughed out loud. ‘If you say “I told you so”, Merlin, I'm going to throw you off the top of the tower.’ ‘Okay,’ said Merlin, grinning even as he shivered. ‘I'll just lie here thinking it, shall I?’”

Ahahaha. I love Merlin.

Merlin magically heats up his blanket so he isn’t cold and Arthur continues complaining, saying if they had whiskey he wouldn’t be so cold. I mean, yeah you won’t feel it, but you’ll still die! “’Mmm,’ he said. ‘So, just out of curiosity, what would you give for a wee dram of Glayva right now? Hypothetically speaking? I mean, I know it's more of a liqueur than a whisky, but...?’” Damn, Merlin is on top of it.

Merlin asks Arthur for the magic word, banter ensues, “’Merlin, if I have to wrestle it out of your cold dead hand, I will do so.’ Merlin couldn't help thinking about Raisin Monday; he realised, with a sudden flush of shame, that he'd been kind of hoping to provoke Arthur into doing exactly that – had been angling for some more mutually enjoyable grabbing and writhing and wriggling, with plausible deniability provided by the bottle of Glayva. But once he realised what he was doing, he handed the bottle over straight away.” That’s actually some pretty impressive self-awareness and a great reaction upon the realization of what he’s doing. Good job, Merlin.

Merlin asks Arthur what he would do if he wasn’t going to be king and Arthur says he would be a firefighter or a fighter pilot because he wants to do something that matters. Then he goes on an awkward rant about how the monarchy is useless nowadays.

Arthur is still bitching about being cold so Merlin tells him to come over and share body heat. Arthur notices that the stones are hot where Merlin is sitting. “’Why do you think I chose that spot?’ asked Merlin, cheerfully dishonest. ‘All to do with molecular energy, heat conduction, surface temperatures – Physics stuff, not your cup of Darjeeling.’” Arthur believes him because he’s stupid.

Arthur cuddles up to Merlin and they spoon. Even Merlin realizes this isn’t plausible bro friend platonic behavior.

“’It is a bit of a stupid adventure,’ Arthur admitted, his breath brushing warm against the nape of Merlin's neck. ‘But it's nice getting away for once. From everyone.’ ‘You didn't get away from everyone,’ Merlin said, shaking with laughter. ‘You brought me along! I'm part of “everyone”, you great numpty!’ ‘No,’ said Arthur, quietly, and his arm tightened around Merlin's waist. ‘No, you're not.’ Merlin swallowed. ‘Oh,’ he said, staring unseeing over at the moonlit stones across from them. ‘Oh.’” Aw that’s sweet.

Chapter 22

“’Oh my God, you've got to be kidding me,’ said Merlin, his jaw dropping. ‘This? But it's huge!’ Arthur's mouth twitched. ‘I get that a lot,’ he said, waggling his eyebrows.” Get your mind out of the gutter. Merlin is clearly looking at Arthur’s plane. Arthur starts talking about plane stuff and like Merlin, my eyes kind of glaze over.

“’I seriously cannot believe that this thing belongs to you,’ said Merlin, feeling completely insignificant, and a little intimidated, as his attention returned to the sleek black Learjet before him, with its name written in silver on the side. ‘Jesus. I don't even own a bicycle.’” This made me laugh even though it’s sad. Imagine being Merlin with your super fancy rich friend who regularly takes out his personal plane for funsies while you have to walk everywhere.

“The cockpit was, as it turned out, rather dauntingly full of screens and buttons and dials and gadgetry, and Merlin was more than a little worried that he might accidentally lean on an ejector seat button, or sneeze near something vital, or in some fashion manage to bugger up the appallingly expensive equipment in front of him, so he stayed in the doorway with his hands folded carefully behind his back, his eyes like saucers.” This is exactly what I would be feeling and doing in Merlin’s situation. Ain’t nobody got the money to buy someone a new plane when I inevitably break it.

“’I can't believe that they let you up here alone, without Leon or Val or anybody.’ Arthur's face took on a distinctly shifty expression. ‘Well, technically they don't,’ he admitted. ‘I'm supposed to have a copilot – they can all fly, my bodyguards – but, er, Val and I have reached an understanding, and now when he's on babysitting duty he stays in the car with Pell, and I get a bit of time to myself.’” That seems safe and not at all like something that is going to come back and bite Arthur in the ass.

Merlin has a super fun time flying with Arthur who shows him a barrel roll.

“And of course that was when a sudden shift in the harmonics indicated that something had just gone rather badly wrong with one of the engines, and everything went to hell in a handbasket.”

And that’s how the Price of Wales and the most powerful sorcerer who ever lived died.

Chapter 23

Just kidding. Or am I?

Arthur tells Merlin they are about to crash because for Reasons, both engines have decided to stop working. Arthur freaks out and tells Merlin he’s sorry. “Sorry our super fun trip is about to end in our deaths!” “’No,’ said Merlin, firmly, unfastening his seat belt – and everything stopped.” Damn straight, Merlin. I like how, even though it’s not super obvious, Merlin’s magic is starting to improve and he’s really developing a good sense of control.

Merlin has a pretty brilliant idea, “He held it in his mind like a wisp of smoke trapped in a jar, and felt his eyes glowing golden as he scrabbled in his pocket for a marker and started to scribble the dragon's image onto the door. When it was finished, he took the prisoned pattern of magic and self and pushed it into the fabric of the door, feeling a sharp, electric click as it slotted into place and like called to like across the miles, and Arthur's precious jet became a part of the Great Dragon's corporeal form; spooky action over a distance, Einstein would have called it, and he'd have been right.”

Merlin tells the dragon that he is giving him this body for safe passage for him and Arthur back to their dorm. “’Do you trust me, young warlock?’ the dragon asked, blinking catlike eyes. ‘Are you prepared to open a door in the sky and step through, confident that your feet will find land awaiting you on the other side?’ ‘Yes,’ said Merlin, looking straight back, yellow-eyed and dangerous. ‘Because if you betray me, Kilgharrah, I will drag you out of existence so thoroughly that not even the faintest memory of you will linger on the earth.’ As he spoke, he pulled his magic around him like a cloak of light and shadow, and knew that he could be as good as his word.” YES, MERLIN! Take charge!

Merlin starts time again and seems to have disappeared out of nowhere to Arthur. “’Look, Arthur,’ he said, taking a deep breath. ‘This is going to sound crazy, but I'm a wizard,’ he continued, without much hope. Arthur looked up and met his eyes then, and Merlin flinched at his expression. ‘Yes. I realised that when you disappeared,’ he said, and his voice was icy. Merlin goggled at him. ‘You're not – I mean, I was expecting this to be a harder sell, to be honest. You believe me? About magic? Just like that?’” Oops, Arthur’s mad.

Arthur grabs Merlin’s hand takes him to the door that has the dragon on it. “’Prince Arthur,’ said the dragon, in a rusty voice that gave way to a creaking laugh. ‘It's been a very long time indeed.’ It took a particular kind of mindset and upbringing to be able to treat a magically animated icon of a dragon like a panhandler, but apparently Arthur had it in spades. He ignored the dragon completely, keeping his eyes fixed on Merlin, clasping his fingers tight around Merlin's hand as he opened the door.” This made me laugh. Props to Arthur for being able to ignore the dragon.

They make it back to their room and Arthur gets a bit scary. “’So you're a bloody wizard,’ Arthur said, blue eyes fierce and bright in his flushed face. There was an awkward pause. ‘Er – well, yes,’ said Merlin, helplessly. ‘Because, um, magic is real, and...’ ‘I know that,’ Arthur said, cutting him off. ‘Do you think I'm an idiot? Obviously I know that magic is real.’ ‘You – do?’ Merlin felt the ground beneath him turning into quicksand. ‘What?’ ‘Of course I bloody know, Merlin!’ Arthur snapped. ‘What, you think they don't tell the bloke who's going to be king this kind of tiny little titbit? That they were planning to wait until my father popped his clogs, and then drop the whole “magic is real” thing on me when I was dealing with bereavement? OF COURSE I know that there are wizards and all that weird shit. I just. Didn't. Know. You. Were one.’” So, I like that Arthur knows that magic exists. I find it unnecessary for him to be in the dark about Merlin being his wizard guardian though. If he knew magic was real, he would have had to have known that he would have a sorcerer protecting him too because that’s the tradition. It makes the entire plot of Merlin keeping his magic a secret from Arthur totally pointless.

Arthur pulls on the heartstrings a bit with his confrontation, “’You lied to me,’ Arthur said, very coldly. ‘I trusted you, and all this time you've been lying to me.’ He narrowed his eyes. ‘Have you been playing at bodyguard too, along with Val and Leon and all the rest of them? Have you? Were you told to follow me around, like my own personal guard dog?’” Yikes.

“’But it's no coincidence that we're sharing a room, is it? It wasn't just for a joke, because of your daft name; they put you in here to watch me. To pretend to be my friend, and – and, my God, I am such a fucking idiot,’ he said, shaking his head in disbelief. ‘It's so bloody obvious, now.’ He turned and walked away, and began pacing up and down the little stretch of space in between their beds. ‘You were assigned to me,’ he said, hoarsely.”  That sucks. I feel like Arthur probably thought Merlin was the only one who actually hung out with Arthur without it being part of some sort of duty. Surprise!

“I never pretended to be your friend. At least with Leon and Val and the rest, I know it's about work – that they're being paid to shadow me around. I don't go imagining that we're friends or that – or anything else. God. God, I can't stand to look at you right now, you duplicitous fucker.” Yeah, that’s kind of what I suspected. Poor Arthur. Then he packs a bag and tells Merlin he never wants to see him again.

“’I'm not your mate,’ Arthur said, his tone thoroughly withering. ‘I'm not even a fucking acquaintance. I don't know who the hell you are, and I don't want to. Now get out of the bloody way.’” Ouch. A + for that realistic reaction though.

Chapter 24

Merlin calls Gaius and explains what happened. Gaius actually doesn’t yell at Merlin or call him useless and says he’ll figure something out.

Merlin calls Gwen at her nightline job and tells her everything. “’But – but it's because I lied to him, Gwen. He thinks I was just pretending to be his friend,’ said Merlin, his throat closing up. ‘Because I was supposed to watch over him and keep him safe – I mean, that's why they put me in with him in the first place, but that doesn't mean I was just protecting him because of that, or that I was just spending time with him to protect him! He's got it all wrong, and I don't know how to make it right again. And I – I – oh, Gwen,’ his voice hitched, and dropped to a whisper. ‘I bloody love him. Actually. Love him. Quite a lot. In a probably-permanent sort of way.’” Poor Merlin. That sucks.

Merlin goes for a walk along the beach, wearing Arthur’s hoodie and sits down on a bench, “And he was still sitting there alone, staring miserably out to sea, red-eyed and snot-nosed, when the kraken showed up to try and comfort him.” Aww I like that the kraken likes to hang out with Merlin. He feels better and gets back to his dorm, “All of which, of course, came to a rather abrupt end when he got back to his room and found Arthur waiting for him.”

Chapter 25

Merlin is excited that Arthur is back, though Arthur is still being hateful. “’Are you wearing my hoody?’ Arthur asked abruptly, looking startled and wrongfooted. ‘Oh! Er - yes. Er. Sorry?’ Arthur digested this piece of information. ‘For some kind of magical reason?’” This is cracking me up. Does Arthur think Merlin is using it like a dog who smells a sweater and then goes and picks up the scent of the person it belongs to?

“Arthur raised an eyebrow. ‘Morgana trusts you, which is the only reason I'm here. She told me about Sophia,’ he said. ‘And about the potion Trickler put on the tablet.’ He flushed. ‘And something about a pair of vampires?’ ‘And an oversexed selkie, a small flock of ghouls, a gargoyle, and the ghost of Patrick Hamilton,’ Merlin added, since apparently the secrecy ship had pretty much sailed now.” You know, I’m so glad Morgana straight up told Arthur what was going on rather than pulling that bullshit, “go TALK to him!!!” nonsense you see so often in media.

Arthur tells Merlin he’s clearly earning his salary and Merlin tells him he doesn’t get one. . “’Well, I'm getting the Camelot scholarship, obviously, because I'm a wizard – we all get that, to get us up here. So there's that. But that's now why I've been keeping you safe, you stupid stupid man.’ ‘Why, then?’ asked Arthur. His voice was surprisingly quiet, and he sounded sincerely desperate to know. ‘Because I love you, you twat,’ Merlin said, taxed beyond endurance. ‘All right? Not just because Gaius nagged me into it – because I bloody love you. How can I not want to keep you safe, when I've got the power?’” God finally.

Arthur tells Merlin to tell him all the spells he cast on him and to undo them. Which I think is fairly reasonable. Merlin tells him about knocking him unconscious and the memory spell, leaving out that it was Merlin who kissed Arthur. “’Right. Well – I thought you probably wouldn't want to remember that,’ Merlin said, blushing red as a pillar box. ‘Um. Sorry.’ Arthur's expression became very set. ‘That really wasn't your choice to make, was it?’ he said. He looked at Merlin expectantly.” I told you Arthur wouldn’t be happy about that one.

“’Right – well, I'm sure you'll be okay with using this, then,’ he said, tersely, producing a pale chunk of crystal from his pocket and eyeing it with an expression of distaste. ‘Morgana says she's charged it up, whatever the hell that means, and that if we're both touching it at the same time it will neutralise the effects of whatever magic you did on me, and glow with a blue light to show it's done.’ His expression grew colder. ‘Unless you cast something on me that's too powerful for it to deal with. Something dark. Then it glows red.’” The crystal turns blue. Arthur thought that Merlin had cast a spell on him to make Arthur fall for him. Then Arthur kisses Merlin and they have sex.

Later, Arthur asks Merlin to tell him about the dragon/plane. Then he calls Merlin his boyfriend. “’Only – only we'll have to keep it secret, of course,’ he added, awkwardly. ‘Oh,’ said Merlin, feeling his heart drop. Which was stupid, because of course he'd known that Arthur wasn't going to bound out onto the street and proclaim himself a raging poof too all and sundry. Nothing had changed. Arthur was still the Prince of Wales, and still expected to act the part, and so it was utterly ridiculous to feel disappointed. He swallowed hard and tried not to mind. ‘Right.’” Poor Merlin. “’I love you too,’ Arthur said, the words pressed into Merlin's skin like a secret. ‘I never thought I could have this. Have you. But - I love you too.’” That’s sweet and all, but I’ve got my eye on you, Arthur Pendragon.

So I liked all of these chapters. My only complaint was the whole, “if Arthur knew about magic why did Merlin have to protect him in secret?” because really, it just served to create drama later when Arthur found out. I like that Merlin can count on the kraken to show up and hang out with him when he’s sad. I also liked that Arthur’s reaction was realistic and not written in a way where Merlin could have totally been like, “umm this is what I did and let’s solve this right now.” I find that often times, these types of scenes are written where one person could have easily said something to fix the situation before the other one leaves or a misunderstanding is created. You know, drama for drama’s sake. I also liked that Morgana was not fucking around and actually told Arthur everything he needed to know, even if we didn’t see that scene. Not a fan of Arthur’s “we have to keep our relationship a secret,” though I totally know where he’s coming from. Three cheers for Kay not being in any of these chapters.

Until Next Time:

#Merlin #bbc Merlin #merlin fic #The Student Prince #Review #Drama for drama's sake #kraken #Magic reveal #no Kay for once

[merlinficreview]

The Student Prince Chapters 16-20 Review!

The Student Prince by FayJay

Word Count: 145222

Chapter 16

This chapter opens with Merlin waking up with a massive hangover. Arthur helps orient us, and Merlin, since he’s currently not sure of anything. “It's Raisin Monday. We've got to go to Morgana's place.” Thanks, Exposition Arthur!

Arthur then quickly returns to asshole mode and pulls the covers off of Merlin. “Arthur didn't say anything for a long moment, and Merlin cracked his eyes open just a little. Arthur was staring at his throat, and he'd gone rather white. Merlin lifted his fingers stiffly and rubbed the spot Arthur was looking at, which felt sore, and Arthur flinched, and looked quickly up at Merlin's face, and then away.” Ahh yes, a hickey. How embarrassing. Though if some dude is biting and sucking your neck so hard that it hurts the next day, that’s way too excessive. Arthur can fuck off with his jealousy though.

Merlin suddenly remembers the previous night and things get awkward. Arthur walks away to take a shower.

You know, I’m sitting here thinking about this whole Raisin Weekend thing, and I’m not sure why they would make the final thing on a Monday when people have classes. Wouldn’t it make sense to have the tea party and get together with Academic Dads on Saturday and then this shaving cream fight thingy on Sunday? Monday isn’t even part of the weekend. So it’s not really a weekend thing because they didn’t even do anything on Saturday.

As they walk to Morgana’s, Merlin brings up Arthur making out with Gwen, “’Look, it was just a snog,’ said Arthur, defensively. ‘We were a bit pissed. Don't start matchmaking.’ And then he reddened, and looked away, and a heartbeat later Merlin remembered the Matchmaker game and Arthur's tongue sliding over the seam of his lips, licking away the powdered sugar from the doughnut that he'd chased there.” Once again, Arthur can fuck off with his nonsense.

Once they get to Morgana’s, they find Gwen, who is dressed as a knight. “They trooped dutifully after her, passing Kay standing in the kitchen in nothing but a pair of skin-tight white leggings, grumbling under his breath as Helen busily painted him Smurf-blue. Gawain, in matching red leggings complete with white beard, red smurf hat and blue skin, was munching on a bacon roll and reading The Times a few yards away.” I’m honestly just including this because I don’t know what a bacon roll is, but I now really want a bacon and cheese sandwich. Also, good, Kay deserves to freeze his ass off in just a pair of tights.

Anyways, Arthur will be dressed as Merlin and Merlin will be dressed as Queen Guinevere. I tried not to say, “yikes at putting the gay man in a dress and making him the woman,” because I thought I might be overreacting but, “’Come on, Merlin – what are you waiting for? I thought you liked being a queen,’ said Arthur, maliciously. Merlin glared at him.” Soooo yeah. Merlin LIKES this dude? Really? I do have to say, I feel like Morgana switching the outfits around is seriously only an excuse to put Merlin, the gay dude, in a dress. It’s gross.

Then Merlin starts to get undressed to put on his outfit and Morgana notices his hickey, “’Oh – er, well, yeah,’ Merlin said, meeting Morgana's amused gaze with a rueful one. ‘Um. Edwin, if you must know. He's a PostGrad? He, er, plays World of Warcraft.’ ‘Oh! Edwin!’ Her grin broadened. ‘Yes, he's rather good at World of Warcraft.’ Her mouth twitched. ‘As a matter of fact, I heard he was pretty good at macramé too.’” Haha Good one, Morgana.

Exit Gwen and Morgana while the boys start getting undressed, “’So – that was Edwin, last night,’ said Arthur, a few minutes later. ‘Your friend. From GaySoc.’” Is now really the time to talk about this, Arthur? How awkward discussing the guy you’re fucking with the dude you wish you were fucking who sent you out MAJOR signals right before making out with your best friend, who then caught you almost fucking said guy, before running away in a fit of jealousy, all the while this discussion is taking place, the two of you are getting naked.

Merlin agrees with me, “Merlin didn't particularly appreciate being questioned about his love life by Hottie McHotterson when he was in the act of dropping trou, but apparently the universe was not being run with his happiness in mind.”

Merlin of course can’t get his wig on and gives up after one try. Then Arthur of course has to help him. Which of course ends up with Arthur all up in Merlin’s space, which his hands all over Merlin’s neck. Of course. Sure. Makes total sense.

Arthur continues to interrogate Merlin about Edwin, asking if Edwin is Merlin’s boyfriend. Merlin says that they are just fuckbuddies. Which shocks and embarrasses Arthur. That’s what you get for being an asshole.

Then Arthur keeps on going but, he makes a good point, “’Oh,’ he said, in a strangled voice, fiddling with his beard. ‘Well, that's – cool. I suppose.’ He frowned. ‘He looked quite old,’ he said. Merlin shrugged. ‘He's thirty. Which means he's pretty sorted, and very experienced. Also, he does a lot of yoga. Tantric yoga. There is no bad to this.’ He watched Arthur's face colouring up. ‘Is that enough? Or do we need to go into exhaustive detail here?’” Now, Merlin is in the right with his, “is that enough?” comment because Arthur is being a nosey little jerk. However, I think it’s hella sketch that a “sorted” and “experienced” THIRTY YEAR OLD MAN is fucking around with an 18 year old. That shit is suspicious and super gross. We knew that Edwin was in graduate school so I expected him to be around 23-25, which is still a little weird when hooking up with an 18 year old but fucking yikes at him being 30. What the fuck are you doing, Edwin? Merlin is basically a child. Yikes to the max.

So Morgana comes in and says it’s time for Merlin’s makeover. I don’t get why only Merlin is the one wearing makeup here. She could totally paint some stars and moons all over Arthur’s face or something too. Oh wait, yes I do know why Merlin is getting makeup, because he’s the GIRL. Silly me.

Chapter 17

“’I dunno – I think he actually makes quite a shaggable bird,’ said Owain, looking Merlin up and down in some surprise. ‘Nice tits.’ ‘They're built into the dress,’ said Merlin, irritably. ‘I didn't grow them specially, you know.’” This made me laugh. Good job, Merlin.

So then Blanche and Morgana start talking about Merlin’s padding and feeling him up. Let’s talk about that for a minute, shall we? It’s gross. Don’t fucking do that. Merlin is clearly uncomfortable while Blanche and Morgana are touching the padding in his dress and they are just ignoring him and going about their business. I don’t care that it’s just padding that they are touching and not actually a part of Merlin. They are currently on his body. You would NEVER do that to a woman, whether she was wearing padding or not, unless she gave you permission. Because boys and girls, touching someone in a way they don’t want to be touched is sexual assault. This is portrayed as a funny scene though, with Kay even taking a photo. We are supposed to just laugh at Morgana and Blanche feeling up Merlin’s breast padding though because he’s a man, so it’s fine. Yeah, it’s not fucking fine. Don’t touch people without their permission. Period.

Now let’s talk about this: “’Hello? Standing right here, thank you very much!’ snapped Merlin, as Kay took a photograph. ‘Oh, Christ. Tell me that isn't going on Facebook,’ said Merlin, without much hope. ‘Of course it's going on Facebook, Emrys,’ said Kay, pityingly. ‘Wonderful.’ ‘Oh, shut up. You actually look almost fuckable, for the first time in your pathetic life.’ Merlin felt his jaw drop, and was conscious that several other heads had turned to stare at both of them. But mostly at Kay.” Ok. So not only is this sexual assault occurring with SEVERAL people watching and finding it hilarious, Kay is taking a photo of it with the purpose of it going on the internet. This is not cute. It’s not funny. It’s not a lighthearted “LOL Merlin, the gay man, is dressed as a WOMAN!!! Let’s fondle his padded bra while he is clearly upset about it and just continue doing whatever we want because it’s funny!!” moment. Stop. Just stop. Now, let’s talk about Kay’s comment about Merlin being fuckable. I am honestly unclear on what the author was trying to achieve with that. Considering how homophobic Kay is towards gay men, Merlin in particular, I find it incredibly out of character and unbelievable that Kay would say that. Is this supposed to be the beginnings of a redemption arc for him because it’s the worst redemption arc ever in the history of redemption arcs.

Anyways, someone, it’s not assigned as being said by a particular person, gives us the skinny as to what’s going to happen, “So – it's off to visit your Academic Fathers to collect your Raisin Receipts, and then on to Foamageddon in Sallies Quad. But before we do that – group photo!”

They make it to Lance’s and Gwen gives us some surprising information, “’Er – thanks for, you know. Seeing me home last night,’ said Gwen, looking distinctly flustered.” She says this to Lance by the way. So not only did Arthur use her to make Merlin jealous/reject him/what the fuckever his dumbass nonsesnsical reasoning was, he left poor drunk Gwen alone and didn’t even help her home. PRINCE FUCKING CHARMING, YA’LL.

The “receipts” that Lance provides them with are all on recycling bins and they all have some sort of Latin phrase on them. Google is about to edumacate me on what these receipts are supposed to be because we have no Exposition Character to fill us in.

So this is the website I found and it might have been the site I used earlier when I looked up Academic Moms and Dads my bad for not including it in that post:

https://owlcation.com/academia/St-Andrews-University-traditions

So according to this, traditionally, seniors could ask freshmen for a pound of raisins on Raisin Monday. Once the freshmen gave out their Raisins, they would get their “receipt” from the seniors and could no longer be asked for raisins anymore. It’s not really stated on that site, but it seems that the tradition has just transformed so now the Academic Dad’s give them embarrassing receipts to carry around and there’s not an exchange of raisins at all anymore. Sure.

We get some more information that isn’t really mentioned on the website, “’I'm afraid that if anyone feels like being a git, they can still demand you show them the receipt and then dunk you in the fountain for the mistake,’ Lance apologised.” So I guess if your receipt has incorrect Latin or incorrect information, the seniors can throw the freshmen in a fountain. Which seems mean since the freshmen aren’t the ones who write the receipts so it wouldn’t be their faults. Also, I’m pretty sure it’s November. Cold.

As they walk around, Merlin bitches about how stupid Raisin Monday is and how just because something is a tradition, it doesn’t mean it should be followed. Which I 100% agree with. Some traditions are rooted in some pretty gross and unacceptable practices. On the less depressing side, a lot of traditions aren’t even followed correctly. They are like bastardized versions of the tradition itself. I had this conversation when one of my friends got married. She insisted on wearing a white dress because it was “tradition.” I had to tell her, “you know white isn’t even technically that old of a tradition when it comes to wedding dresses. You know what else is ‘tradition’ and the entire reason of wearing white on the wedding day? Virginity. Just saying.”

Well that went way off the point I was trying to make. So, even though I agree with Merlin, he needs to take a look at his current audience, which includes the Prince of Wales, who is part of a traditional and (and pretty useless in these modern times, if we are being honest) monarchy.

Merlin soon spots an Academic Family composed of Arthurs. Which I think is pretty funny and so does Merlin. Arthur is less than impressed. “’What do you mean, it's me?’ demanded Arthur, crossly. ‘It looks nothing like me!’ ‘He's wearing a blond wig, and aviator shades, and a jacket just like the one you were wearing yesterday, and a crown with a load of Latin on it for a Raisin Receipt and – oh, God, no, look! Look what they've done! It's not just him! The whole family are all you! Only different varieties, see? Look, he's Football-playing-Arthur, and he's Jogging-on-the-beach-Arthur, and she's Pilot-Arthur, and that poor bastard over there must be Water-polo-Arthur. And that one in the suit of armour is – er – do you ever wear armour?’ ‘That's King Arthur. Like me,’ said Gwen. ‘The other one.’” I think that’s pretty cute.

“Right! Ha! That is genius! Oh my God – you should go over there and out yourself! Say 'I'm Arthur' and we could have a whole "No, I'm Arthur! No, I am, no I am, no, I am' thing! Like Spartacus!" I agree with Merlin. That would be hilarious and all in good fun. Arthur has to be a stupid party pooper about it though, of course.

They arrive at the Quad where the big shaving cream fight is going to take place. Merlin says he is going to get Arthur covered in shaving cream for “vengeance.” Arthur asks what the vengeance is related to, “’Vengeance for – for the flooding of the Tryweryn Valley to make a bloody reservoir for you English!’ said Merlin, because he couldn't exactly say ‘Vengeance for flirting with me and then getting off with one of my best mates, you git’.” Too bad Merlin didn’t have the guts to actually say that second one because he would be 100% in the right there.

The clock strikes and Merlin runs away. Arthur chases him, obviously, and Merlin turns around to stand his ground, “Arthur took this in, and didn't slow down a jot. Merlin hadn't quite realised his intention until the idiot barreled right into him and the two of them went sprawling in a tangle of flailing, overdressed limbs. And then in an embarrassingly short time Merlin found himself pinned to the grass with Arthur straddling his waist, both wrists clasped in one slippery grip above his head, and Arthur grinning down at him. The beard dangled in Merlin's face and he twisted away and blew ineffectually at it.” NORMAL PLATONIC BRO STUFF. MOVE ALONG. Arthur sprays Merlin’s entire face and chest with the shaving cream. Then Arthur takes off Merlin’s wig and starts massaging the shaving cream into Merlin’s hair. As bro friends do.

“’Oi, Arthur, stop trying to fuck the chav,’ yelled Kay, and Merlin watched all the laughter and gentleness fall right off Arthur's face to be replaced by a shocked, half-frightened expression. He let go of Merlin's wrists and pushed himself away as if Merlin had suddenly become contagious, and Merlin felt all the sunlight vanish from the day with that jerky, horrified rejection.”

Fuck you, Kay. But double fuck you to Arthur. Poor Merlin. He deserves so much better. Arthur runs away and Merlin has to spend the rest of the fight pretending to be ok. Poor dude.

Chapter 18

“It struck Merlin as massively unfair that people were still expected to attend their lectures and tutorials that afternoon, once they'd all stumbled and squelched back to their respective Halls of Residence and had showers.” That’s what I said earlier! So Merlin is feeling very sad because Arthur is pretty much ignoring Merlin after the shaving cream incident. I don’t blame Merlin. Merlin needs to find someone else, and by that, I don’t mean Almost Twice his Age Edwin.

“Merlin registered, almost absently, that Gawain really was, objectively speaking, a very attractive bloke indeed. He'd known this, obviously, but hadn't given it much thought one way or the other; his current state of undress, however, even with all the paint and foam and ridiculous beard, revealed a six pack of truly exceptional dimensions; he was beginning to get an inkling of why Morgause had developed a bit of a soft spot for Gawain.” Merlin can run off with Gawain. Problem solved. I feel like in about 90% of the fics I read, I want Merlin to leave Arthur, who is usually a great big asshole to Merlin, and run off with Gawain. Also, just want to point out that Gawain is described as being “half a foot taller than Arthur”. Which kills me because Eoin Macken is like the shortest of the Knights.

Again, this was written before Gwaine’s character was introduced on the show but still.

Merlin asks Gawain (which is really hard to type by the way since I’m so used to Gwaine, so sorry if there’s any typos) how his time with his Academic Dad went the previous night, “’There were more drinking games,’ Gawain said, in a tone that spoke volumes. Merlin winced. ‘And then Kay got into a fight with one of Tristan's flatmates, and fell down the stairs.’” Good.

Gawain looks at Merlin’s hickey and gives him kind of subtle warning to be careful with his feelings; I think he thinks Arthur gave Merlin the hickey. When Merlin gets back to his room, Arthur is there and he basically just ignores Merlin. Asshole.

Later, Merlin is hanging out with Gwen asking her about Arthur. Gwen tells Merlin she made out with Arthur because he was there, “’I know," she said. ‘But – but Lance never flirts with me. I don't think he even realises I'm a girl. And Arthur was there, being all hot and flirty, and, you know Prince Arthur, for Christ's sake. Who wouldn't flirt right back for all she was worth?’ She bit her lip. ‘Is this weird? Are you pissed off with me? I mean – I know you think he's hot, but you're not...’ She gave an embarrassed half-laugh. ‘You're not in love with him, or anything, right? And, you know, he's straight, so...’” so this kind of solidifies my annoyance with Gwen. She clearly knows Merlin has a thing for Arthur and just kind of brushes it off with, “well he’s straight so it’s not like it’ll ever happen for you…” Not cool Gwen. Don’t be such a shitty friend.

I don’t know why Merlin doesn’t straight up say to both Lance and Gwen, “I know for a fact that they are into you because they have explicitly told me.” I would be so over their annoying, “but they don’t like me!!!!” at this point I would probably stop being friends with both of them.

Gwen tells Merlin that the makeout session with Arthur sucked. “’Well – sorry, no, that sounds a bit awful, doesn't it? I'm not saying that he's a bad snog, just that – er, do you want the sordid details?’ ‘Apparently I have a previously unsuspected streak of masochism a mile wide, so – yeah. Hit me,’ said Merlin.” I mean, that is Merlin almost literally admitting he has a thing for Arthur. Gwen said the kissing was bad because there was no spark.

Merlin asks Gwen if she and Arthur slept together and she says they didn’t. Then she asks if the guy Merlin left with was Edwin. “Gwen stole another chip. ‘He's hot,’ she said. ‘Tantric yoga, you said?’” He’s also 30, sis.

I don’t know why Freddie Prinze Jr. is at the end of the gif but it still makes my point.

Gwen leaves to do her nightline thing with Lance. Merlin texts her and is all, “trust me. He’s into you! Ask him out!” and Gwen ignores him. Well, he tried.

Merlin is asleep later that night when Arthur stumbles in, drunk, with Kay and Leon. “’Didn't ask your opinion, Emrys,’ said Kay, without looking at him. ‘Arthur, you can come back to ours, you know, mate. Could bunk with me, if you don't want to stay in here. Not good being drunk around the chav.’” Yup. Because since Merlin is gay, he is a rapist! Better lock up all the menfolk! God I fucking hate Kay so much. And I hate that no one ever puts him in his place and the fact that Arthur and Co continue to hang out with him makes me super suspicious that they secretly agree with Kay’s homophobic views and they feel the same way about Merlin. They can all die in a fire with Merlin cackling gleefully over their burning corpses for all I care.

Kay leaves, praise Jesus, and Merlin starts lecturing Arthur about getting drunk on a Monday night. “’What on earth were you thinking?’ he added, as he fiddled with the tap. ‘It's really not like you to get pissed on a Monday night. You should have been out flying at Leuchars, for God's sakes, not getting hammered! Didn't your liver get enough punishment last night, you lunatic? I mean, God, I don't think I'll be touching alcohol for at least a month, after yesterday – and you're already off on a bender! You're mental, Arthur Pendragon. Must be all that inbreeding.’”

That’s all.

Arthur asks Merlin if he was off sleeping with Edwin that night and Merlin continues on this amazing Brutal Honesty Hour roll: “’Sorry?’ ‘Edwin. I don't like him.’ ‘You've not even met him,’ said Merlin, feeling exasperated and knackered and faintly unhappy. ‘Don't need to.’ ‘What's that supposed to mean?’ Arthur said nothing. Merlin punched his pillow in frustration. ‘Well, luckily you're not my dad, or my boyfriend, or the boss of me, so it doesn't matter whether or not Edwin has your Royal Seal of Approval. Maybe I don't like the redhead you spent the night snogging. So what? Go to sleep, you ass.’” Arthur tells Merlin the night would have been better with Merlin there, “Then bloody well invite me along next time, you git! Honestly, you have no social skills whatsoever, do you? It's not my fault if Kay's crap company. Apparently Kay was who you wanted to hang out with, so you can just suck it up if he's who you ended up stuck with.” Damn fucking straight. YES, MERLIN!!!!

The next day, Merlin has a heartfelt discussion with Gawain that really does sort of tug on the old heartstrings. Merlin tells Gawain that he thinks Gawain was talking about Arthur with the whole, “be careful,” thing. “’Because I think you know something I don't.’ Merlin's eyes narrowed. ‘You've known him since you were little kids, haven't you? You know him better than just about anyone. Don't you want to hear my theory?’ ‘Not particularly.’ ‘I think he likes blokes. I think he likes me.’”  Gawain is all, “well duh he likes you! You’re his bestie!” “Oh come on, Gawain! Please, just throw me a sodding bone here! I don't want to hurt him, or mess things up for him – I'm just trying to make sense of all this, because it's killing me, and I think I've understood it now. He does like me back, doesn't he? It's not just me?” That’s pretty damn sad. Gawain pretty much admits it and tells Merlin tough luck because Arthur is going to be king someday so he doesn’t have a choice but to marry a woman and meet certain expectations. Then for some reason Merlin acts like this is brand new information. Merlin says he feels dumb for needing Gawain to explain that and I agree.

“Merlin blinked. ‘I'm sort of seeing someone anyway,’ he said, after a moment. ‘Sort of.’ ‘Well then.’ ‘He's a PostGrad. A medic. He's researching HIV virus particle production. And he's very bendy.’” HE IS ALSO THIRTY. I’m never going to stop bringing that up.

Pictured: Merlin caring for his ancient boyfriend.

Chapter 19

The boys are hanging out when they spot Lady Viva, who is probably a play on Lady Gaga. Kay makes some gross remarks, Merlin tells him so, and for once someone else, Gawain, agrees. Progress!

Later, Lady Viva shows up at Merlin’s dorm. Which is super weird to me because famous people don’t tend to randomly show up at universities to hang out and meet new people. Also, why is she easily able to find out where Arthur lives? What kind of crap security? Anyways, this makes Merlin uncomfortable and he asks if Arthur is expecting her. Which is the right fucking thing to say, “Lady Viva cocked her head to one side, making the feathers jiggle, and the look she gave Merlin made him feel about two inches tall. ‘I'm here to see Arthur,’ she said again, her voice rising dangerously. ‘Not his monkey.’” Damn, what a bitch. I would have closed the door in her face.

Arthur, for once, decides that Merlin doesn’t deserve to be treated like shit, and goes to the door, pretending he has no idea who Lady Viva is. Lady Viva continues to be rude and entitled. Arthur is having none of it and shuts the door in her face. Good job, Arthur.

Sometime later, Arthur comes home, clearly under a spell because he’s all the sudden got the hots for Lady Viva. Merlin knocks Arthur out and calls Morgana, who starts freaking out because they really need to narrow down what Lady Viva did to Arthur. Morgana wonders how Merlin let this happen, “Oh, I don't know – maybe that he already has a host of paid bodyguards, and the protection of the dragon, and somehow he's managed to reach the age of eighteen without me holding his hand 24/7?” You mean the MacUseless the Dragon because, you’re barking up the wrong tree if you expect him to do anything, Merlin.

Merlin calls Edwin and Gaius in for help and while Edwin and Merlin makeout, presumably over Arthur’s unconscious body, Gaius gets help to figure out how to break the spell. “’It would be, but for the fact that it doesn't actually address our main problem. Because this particular working can only be undone one way.’ There was an embarrassed pause. ‘True love's kiss.’” Get ready for a whole lot of awkward and yikes, headed our way, gang.

There’s some subtle slut shaming from Gaius, “Please tell me that despite reports to the contrary he has acquired a secret girlfriend over the past few months? Not just a casual fling, but something heartfelt and enduring? Something with the power to undo this spell? Tell me that there is some young lady somewhere up there who can help us fix this? Because however ineligible she might be, I very much doubt that it can hold a candle to posing for Playboy wearing nothing but a hat made of telephones and a tiny rectangle of crime scene tape stuck to her nether regions, which I understand is the image for which this Lady Viva is best known.”

Mmmm that gif of Colin.

Where were we? Oh yea.

Merlin hangs up with Gaius and fills Edwin in. Edwin picks up on Merlin’s crush in like two seconds.

Merlin runs over to Gwen’s and freaks out, causing her to freak, out and asks her to come with him. She does because she’s understandably worried about Merlin. They get back to the dorm and Gwen sees Arthur, “’Oh my God – did he take some kind of drugs? Because if you're scared, you need to forget about getting in trouble and we need to get him to a doctor now, and worry about trouble later,’ she said, looking suddenly frightened. ‘Is he – oh, God, is he dead?’” Now it might be because it’s 3 in the morning but, “is he- oh, God is he dead?” is making me laugh really hard.

Merlin asks Gwen to kiss Arthur, “’I thought it was Lance you were trying to fix me up with,’ she said, witheringly, planting her hands on her hips. ‘What on earth are you doing? This is creepy. You are both creeping me out, and I do not have to stand for this kind of nonsense.’” I don’t blame her. This situation is really fucking weird from her perspective. She kisses Arthur and then decides to leave because who wouldn’t after that? “’And you're a freak,’ she said, stiffly. ‘I'm going home.’ She marched over to the door and opened it, looking back over her shoulder at Merlin with an expression of baffled frustration. ‘I don't think I even want to know what the hell this was supposed to prove, other than that you are strange and tactless.’” Lol, good one, Gwen.

After Gwen leaves, Merlin realizes that the kiss didn’t work. Oh no! Edwin tells Merlin to kiss Arthur. Merlin does and it’s all very hot and heavy when Arthur starts kissing him back. “’Oh, God, I do love you,’ he said, helplessly, looking at Arthur's tousled hair and his flushed cheeks. ‘I really really do.’” Poor Merlin; this is all going to come crashing down on him soon, but hey, he’s Arthur’s true love. So, there’s that.

The kiss obviously works and then Merlin does about the saddest and meanest thing ever, “’That's good,’ Merlin said, feeling his throat closing up. ‘Just checking.’ And then his eyes went suddenly molten, and he whispered a word against Arthur's skin, and Arthur's face went slack with sleep, and he slumped bonelessly into Merlin's arms. Merlin let himself have a moment just to hold Arthur tightly, squeezing him as if just by doing that he could make everything else stop mattering, and make this much-vaunted 'true love' actually count for something in the real world. He whispered another word, and with that he sponged the memory of the past five minutes out of Arthur's mind.” Taking Arthur’s memory like that was a really bad idea, though I can understand why he did it.

True story: I typed “true love” in the Tumblr gif finder thingy and that above gif popped up. I was looking for the Rumple from OuaT gif of him saying “True love” but I’m going with this one instead.

Edwin is surprisingly nice about the whole thing. EVEN THOUGH HE IS THIRTY.

Chapter 20

This chapter opens with Merlin running into Gwen. Oh man, I hope he comes up with a good explanation. Gwen turns around and goes the other way. Merlin starts chasing her. Like she is literally running away from him and he is chasing her. She lets him catch up to her, “’I don't think I even want to know,’ she said, after a moment. ‘I just – I don't know what games they've got you playing, Merlin, but I thought you were better than that. I mean, nothing would surprise me from Kay, but you? I don't appreciate being used for a joke, or a bet, or whatever that was supposed to be.’ She looked away, her mouth tight. ‘You made me feel – cheap. And stupid. And left out. Don't do it again.’” Poor Gwen. I don’t blame her for feeling that way at all. Being compared to Kay though? Yikes, worst insult ever.

Merlin decides to go for the truth, “’Okay, well – you mustn't tell anyone this, okay? Because it's sort of, well, huge, and I realise it's going to sound a bit weird at first, but it's true. Um. I'm sort of, well, I'm a wizard, basically.’ He swallowed. ‘And what you did yesterday was helping me to break a spell that someone had cast on Arthur. It was really important.’” She doesn’t believe him and I probably wouldn’t either.

Merlin proves it to her by time travelling them to the 1500s which is pretty cool. Merlin then tells Gwen that Morgana is a wizard too, which is a terrible idea but he realizes that as soon as he says it and tells her not to ask him about anyone else. Gwen tells Merlin that his secret is safe with her and thanks him for trusting her, which is really sweet. Aw.  

Later, “’I can't believe you turned her down!’ said Kay, staring at Arthur like he had two heads. ‘I mean, for God's sake – are you a man or a mouse?’” Neither, Kay. Just gay. Kay continues on his gross misogynistic rants and I’m getting so tired of them. It’s gotten old. Like 19 chapters ago, so I’m just kind of skimming this section for my sanity.

We learn that Arthur was tricked into the spell by accepting candy from Lady Viva’s manager.

That’s it for this post. I’m still not clear as to why this whole thing is called Raisin Weekend when it takes place on half of Sunday and Monday morning. Dressing Merlin up as a woman still makes me roll my eyes. I’m never going to get over Edwin being thirty because that shit is so fucking gross; Merlin is 18. He’s practically a child and Edwin is a grown ass man.

I pretty much said all I needed to say about the scene with Morgana and Blanche feeling up Merlin but I think it bears repeating that that shit was not ok. It’s especially frustrating that the scene is portrayed as a comical scene even though Merlin is clearly upset. That’s one of my major issues with the characterization of Kay as well. He says all these gross things; I think that literally almost everything that has come out of his mouth has been disgusting and yet no one ever really says anything to him. Merlin stood up to him a couple of times in chapter 20 and I think Arthur told him to stop like once. It gives off the feeling that what Kay says is acceptable. It’s not. Nothing he says has been ok. You can have a douchebag character in your writing, I’m not necessarily criticizing the inclusion of Kay’s characterization; however, you can portray these things without making them viewed as acceptable or normal behavior. It’s frustrating to read him say these horrible things over and over and over and over and over and over without anything happening. That’s why I pretty much skimmed the majority of chapter 20. Something important to the plot might have happened that I totally missed but I don’t care. You can only beat us over the head with this horrible person and give us the exact same scene with them spouting nonsense so many times before the reader loses interest. Kay is a piece of shit. We get it.

I liked how Gawain was such a good friend to Merlin during this group of chapters. I hope their friendship continues to develop. I also felt bad for Gwen during the whole kissing fiasco and I’m glad Merlin came clean instead of just making up an obvious lie and losing Gwen as his friend forever. Also, how sad was it that Merlin got to finally be honest with Arthur about his feelings and Arthur was honest about his and Merlin made the decision to erase Arthur’s memory? I’m not condoning that decision, which ultimately backfires, because you should never erase someone’s memory without their permission. It’s gross.

Until next time:

#merlin #bbc merlin #merlin fic #review #The Student Prince #Raisin Weekend #But it's really Raisin Half of the Weekend #Group of fake Arthurs #Kay is Trash #Arthur is Trash #Almost everyone is Trash #Yay Gawain and Merlin developing besties #EDWIN IS THIRTY??? #Fuck No #Sexy Colin Morgan Gif #sorry not sorry

[merlinficreview]

The Student Prince: Chapters 11-15 Review!

The Student Prince by FayJay

Word Count: 145222

Chapter 11

This chapter opens with Merlin guiltily thinking about how obsessed he’s become with Arthur. “All of which was clearly not healthy, and was also, when you got right down to it, kind of unpleasantly creepy, and made Merlin feel guilty as hell – because in spite of all the prattishness, and in spite of Arthur's complete failure to notice that Merlin kept right on saving his ungrateful arse from various supernatural uglies – well, they were becoming friends.” At least Merlin recognizes he’s being a total creeper.

In order to try and get over Arthur, Merlin has decided to go to one of his GaySoc Club meetings and pick up a one night stand. This will surely end super well.

“And that's how he found himself standing outside The Victoria Cafe, chewing his bottom lip nervously and wondering whether he should have worn jeans instead of battered cargo pants.” Definitely should have worn jeans instead of a gross ripped up pair of cargo pants, Merlin. I’m glad he’s getting out though, and meeting with new people.

There’s some super awkward and inappropriate “wand” jokes from Cedric. Gross. This is how Cedric is described by the way: “…the latter was whippet-thin and had a ratty little goatee and a very disconcerting gleam in his eye,” and, “Merlin looked back at Cedric, who was wearing a remarkable lime-green shirt that gave him the impression of a cadaverous weasel wrapped in a very large leaf, and sighed.” Pretty gross sounding, right?

Cedric then realizes he recognizes Merlin from the Sophia Falling off the Ladder Fiasco and freaks out. “’Fair play, Merlin,’ said Catrina, looking impressed. ‘Didn't think you had it in you.’ ‘Oh my God, have you had it in you, you jammy bitch?’ demanded Cedric, his eyes bulging. ‘Spill! Tell us everything! What does he wear in bed? Where did you meet him? Does that yummy policeman protect him in the bedroom too?’”

YIKES. Cedric JUST met Merlin and he’s been super gross every time he opens his mouth. Get away from him, Merlin.

Merlin excuses himself to go get a drink and I don’t blame him. Honestly, I probably would have just left if someone was talking to me the way Cedric was talking to Merlin. While at the bar, Edwin corners Merlin and hits on him in a much less creepy, but still side-eye worthy, way and asks him about the Kraken. This is like all supernatural tv shows where everyone is all, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL NO ONE YOUR SECRET!!” but then like more people know the secret than people who don’t.

Merlin and Edwin go exploring some castle. It’s a pretty short scene and ends with Edwin kissing Merlin. Then Merlin is back at the dorm, drunkenly getting into his room.

Merlin knocks over a chair and wakes up Arthur. They have a really awkward conversation about Merlin going to his GaySoc meeting. Arthur asks Merlin if he hooked up with someone and Merlin gets super defensive about it. While, I don’t blame him because I’m sure he’s put up with quite a bit of homophobia, this is the passage: “’Did you cop off with somebody, then?’ Arthur asked, as if he just couldn't help himself. He was staring at Merlin's pink, spit-slick mouth and watching the motion of the toothbrush inside his cheek, and his breath was coming a little too fast. Merlin's eyes narrowed, and he spat out the toothpaste and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand,” also: “Arthur swallowed. ‘Why would I have a problem with that?’ he asked, his voice sounding hoarse. ‘It's no skin off my nose.’ He looked away, his cheeks flushing a vivid, blotchy red in the lamplight, and lay back down.” That’s clearly not Arthur being offended but rather Arthur trying to restrain himself from getting into Merlin’s pants.

Arthur tells Merlin he was just trying to take an interest in Merlin’s life. Merlin apologizes and they go to bed.

Chapter 12

This chapter opens with Merlin and Arthur tied together for a three legged-race for charity. Merlin is less than enthused, “’No, seriously – I had to do this stuff at school,’ he explained. ‘I was pants. Honestly. Pants. Sack race, egg-and-spoon race, wheelbarrow race – I'm just not your man for this kind of thing! I always came last!’” You could always have told Arthur, “no,” Merlin. Arthur has a million bodyguards he could have teamed up with.

“Merlin looked around at the rest of the people in the room, trying to see a sympathetic face somewhere ready to help him out of his predicament. He could not possibly spend an evening getting progressively less sober, with Prince Arthur locked against him ankle-to-ankle and hip-to-hip. It was cruel and unusual punishment, and he was going to lodge a formal complaint. Somewhere.” This is just annoying Merlin, you’re been exceptionally dramatic and it isn’t endearing me to you at all. Just tell Arthur you don’t want to do it and leave. Calm down.

“Oh, God. If he'd had any idea that Lance's bloody Charity Pub Crawl was going to involve getting tied to the oblivious object of his sordid fantasies, he'd have stayed at home. Or had a cold shower. Or at least worn looser trousers.” Can we talk about this weird charity? Who does a three-legged pub crawl race for charity? What charity is it? AA? Also, Arthur said it was his charity at the beginning of the chapter so… I’m confused.

Anyways, Merlin asks Arthur why he won’t race with Gawain and Arthur says Gawain’s partner is Morgause. Which seems like a poor decision. What happens if someone tries to assassinate Morgana? I can just see Morgause comically trying to get to Morgana while still tied to Gawain and falling all over the place. Plus, this is a race. Morgause might be miles behind or ahead of Morgana. “’And isn't she – I mean, honestly, I kind of got the strong impression that she and Morgana were...?’ Arthur shrugged, his cheeks reddening. ‘Don't ask, don't tell,’ he said.” “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” because Morgana and Morgause are cousins?

“’Um. But – doesn't that mean that he's barking up the wrong tree?’ ‘He likes a challenge.’” Let’s talk about this. Now we don’t know what Morgause’s sexuality is. It’s implied she is with Morgana, so we assume she’s into women. She could either be a lesbian or bisexual, which the author of this doesn’t really seem to address (remember the Merlin/Lance fiasco from earlier). My point is, this whole, “straight guy going after a lesbian woman” troupe is super common and it’s annoying as fuck. “LOL she’s into ladies and I know it but let me harass her anyways!!!” Fucking stop.

Morgana and Gwen stumble over. They are partners for the most ill-conceived charity activity ever. “Merlin took one look at the efficient-looking man standing a few paces behind her, radiating that now-familiar aura of polite do-not-fuck-with-me, and did not need to be told that this was whoever was on Morgana duty this evening, while Morgause played at Happy Families with her Academic Grandson.” Ok, I feel much better knowing it’s not open season for assassins on Morgana since Morgause has decided to fuck off and do her own thing. Which is even weirder now that I think about it since Morgause has “long since graduated.” The fuck is she doing hanging around her alma mater for a three legged race? She’s giving me small town quarterback who still attends all the games, wears his letterman jacket all the time and lectures the current players about how he would have handled that pass, “in the good old days,” vibes.

Lance explains the rules, “’Remember, it's up to you which order you visit the pubs,’ said Lance. ‘You can choose any seven from the list – there are Charities Reps in all of them. Make sure you get your booklet stamped by the Charities Rep. They'll confirm that you were there, and what drink you had – to check that it was further down the alphabet than whatever you had at the previous pub. So if you order a pint of Guinness in the Cellar Bar, and go on to the West Port, you can't have an absinth – you'll need to order something that starts with a letter after G, like a Jack Daniels or something. Okay?’” I still don’t understand how this is raising money for charity. They aren’t paying for these drinks. Even if they were, they are going to 7 bars, that’s 14 drinks per team. If there’s ten teams, that’s 140 drinks, and I’m sure the bars aren’t giving these completely away for free, charity or not. So say each drink is $6 and half of it goes to charity, that’s $420 dollars. Is this actually a thing people do? Like are there spectators who bid money on each team? What a stupid thing to bet on. Who would do that? It’s not like those races where small children run/ walk miles and you bet on like $3 a mile. What sort of charity would endorse something like this? Running around drunkenly tied to someone seems so unsafe. THIS CHARITY MAKES NO SENSE.

“’I can't believe that you're supporting something like this!’ Merlin said reproachfully. ‘Isn't this kind of thing against the teachings of the Lord Buddha?’ Lance shrugged. ‘I'm a Buddhist, Merlin. I'm not a killjoy. And besides, it's raising money for an excellent cause.’” BUT WHAT IS THE CAUSE????? Seriously, is this a thing?

“He was all too conscious of the warm, hard line of Arthur's body pressed up against his side, and of Arthur's arm around his waist, and he really couldn't see how he was going to be able to successfully hide his growing arousal over several hours of being plastered up against the man. ‘Please?’ he added, in a small voice.” Ok, Merlin. I like you but fucking stop. You are protesting way too much and it’s getting annoying. You could have just walked away the second someone approached you with the scarf to tie you to Arthur. So dramatic. Damn. Also, Merlin needs to get better friends because they are all ignoring how clearly uncomfortable Merlin is. Lance FINALLY tells him he doesn’t have to do it if he doesn’t want to. “’Mer-lin,’ muttered Arthur, crossly. ‘Don't be such a pussy!’ He sounded oddly upset, and Merlin thought that was a bit rich, under the circumstances.” Lovely. Get new friends, Merlin.

“’Come on, Merlin,’ murmured Arthur against his ear, his breath brushing warm against Merlin's skin and his lips grazing Merlin's earlobe for just a second.’ ‘I'm not doing it without you, you git. You can't make me go with some stranger, who...look, I trust you, Merlin. I know we'll look out for each other. It'll be fine. Please?’” This is giving me an odd image because we just got a description of Merlin leaning his head on Arthur’s shoulder. So is Arthur leaning all the way over to Merlin’s other ear to do this? I know it’s supposed to be an “ooer Arthur is being super touchy feeley!!! He’s totally falling for Merlin!” moment but the image is just making me laugh.

“’Is everyone ready?’ asked Lance, looking around at the mass of couples standing arm-in-arm in front the Students' Union building in the last lingering pink-red-gold rays of the setting sun. ‘Everyone got their collecting tins?’” Ohhhhhh! So they will be harassing bar patrons for money for the charity. Got it. Is this taking place during the day? If they are getting money from bar patrons, how is this a race? Like a team could just go to every bar, ignore collecting any money, get their drinks, and leave to win the race.

The next scene is Merlin and Arthur at their, presumably, second bar. Arthur has ordered them brandy and Merlin refuses to drink it, ordering himself a pint of ale and decides he is going to order his own drinks from that point on.

Then we get this: “Merlin lifted the glass to his lips, watching Arthur's face all the while, and started drinking. And drinking. And drinking. He watched Arthur's eyes start to widen, and his glance skitter down to stare at the way that Merlin's adam's apple was bobbing while his head tilted gradually back so that he was looking at Arthur through his lashes, and Arthur started to blush. By the time Merlin put down his empty pint glass on the bar and swiped the back of his hand over his wet mouth, Arthur's eyes were bulging, and his fingers were digging into Merlin's waist quite fiercely. ‘That was – that was actually pretty impressive,’ he said, rather hoarsely, his eyes darting from Merlin's mouth to his throat and back again.”

Ugh. I see this cliché, Arthur getting hot over Merlin drinking something scene SO MANY TIMES in fanfic and it’s so annoying. This trope is so overused and so unrealistic. I’ve literally never had a dude get all hot and bothered by me drinking something. If they are intensely looking at me while I’m drinking something, they are probably thinking, “She drinks a lot of fluids. I hope she’s not diabetic. How do I casually mention she should get her glucose levels checked out?”

So Merlin and Arthur get progressively drunker. There’s some awkward flirting. “’Oh, bite me, Your Majesty,’ he said, and launched a spectacularly successful (if perhaps, upon reflection, not very well thought out) stealth tickle attack sent them both toppling off their chairs and had Arthur convulsing and yelling and flailing on the floor within seconds, to the fascination of the crowd in The Central. Merlin reflected, in the back of his mind, that it was probably a Very Good Thing that he UK press had signed that agreement to hold off on buying any paparazzi photographs or interviews relating to the prince until after he turned nineteen.”

Just some platonic tickling between bros. Where one character ends up straddling the other. Nothing to see here.

Also, don’t be stupid, Merlin. Just because the media is banned from taking photos, it doesn’t prevent the general public from taking photos and posting them all over the internet.

The chapter ends with Merlin awkwardly calling “Uncle” and then the two of them leave the bar.

Chapter 13

This chapter opens up with the beginning of Raisin Weekend. So we have no idea what happened with this alleged “charity.” Who won? Where did the money go? How much did they bully poor bar patrons into giving them? How many people died from accidentally drunkenly stumbling into the streets because they were tied to another person and lost their balance? The ending to that scene is super abrupt and I honestly feel like I missed an entire chapter somehow.

So Merlin occasionally obsesses over his near kiss with Arthur in the pub and wonders if he should have gone for it. No no no no. It’s a BAD idea to kiss your straight roommate who happens to be the heir to the throne in a very public place. Do not do that. You’re welcome.

Merlin thinks about the possible consequences of having done that, “Or possibly molesting the heir to the throne was one of those obscure laws that overruled the whole no-death-penalty thing – like the ancient and never-revoked ruling that said that anyone on the Isle of Man could legally shoot a Scotsman seen wearing a kilt on one of their beaches. There was probably some statute somewhere that said anyone trying to get their end away with the Prince of Wales would have their head chopped off and stuck on a spike in the middle of Tower Bridge, or something. Merlin made a mental note to look that up, just in case.” Well, yes Merlin. Good job for recognizing that molestation is illegal. A + It probably wouldn’t get you killed but don’t do it either way, no need to look it up. Don’t fucking sexually assault people. And don’t put jokes about it in your fanfics.

“Still, occasionally, when he watched Arthur chewing the end of a biro earnestly as he scribbled notes for an essay, or when he sleepily spied on Arthur stretching in preparation for his morning run, or when he lost himself in the sound of Arthur's voice rambling on about his latest lecture from Gabriella Slomp about ‘”Obbes and Grot-i-us and Nat-si-o-nal law and In-ter-nat-si-o-nal law,’ or the sight of his shirt riding up to reveal a sliver of his back and the top of shockingly perfect arse as he leaned over to tie his shoelaces...occasionally, just occasionally, Merlin thought maybe it might have been worth it.” Ok. Several things to say about this section. Way to misspell national and international. I’m not sure if it’s supposed to represent Arthur’s accent by being spelled that way or something but it still makes no sense because you don’t pronounce hard T’s in either of those words so the s is unnecessary.

Now, let’s talk about this “shirt riding up to reveal a sliver…” part. This is yet ANOTHER ridiculously overused trope in fanfic that makes no sense. Ooer an inch of someone’s back/stomach (the stomach example is how I usually see it in fanfic). How sexy .Said no one ever.

If Arthur reaching over to tie his shoes is showing so much skin that Merlin can see, “the top of a shockingly perfect arse,” then Arthur needs to pull up his damn pants.

Lastly, but most importantly, IT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN WORTH IT. No sexually assaulting people, damn. I don’t feel like I should need to spell it out.

“As Raisin Weekend got closer and closer, Morgana took to smirking at her Academic children in a very disconcerting fashion, and randomly producing a soft blue tape measure with which she measured wrists and ankles and waists and legs and various other bits and pieces, whilst chuckling to herself.” Just including this because it made me think of Katie McGrath’s ridiculous and excessive smirking in season three of Merlin.

So Merlin asks Arthur if his Academic Dad is someone in Arthur’s pilot club and Arthur tells Merlin he didn’t end up joining for various reasons which all make sense to me but Merlin is super dramatic and over the top about it. He makes a big scene about how it’s not fair and blah blah blah. Calm down, Merlin. Arthur tells Merlin he still goes to the air plane hangar once a week. “So – what, you sit there with your nose pressed up against the glass like Tiny Tim, watching all the cadets having fun without you? That's...creepy and weird, frankly.” Lol, Merlin. That was actually funny. Arthur tells Merlin he takes his own plane out.

So Arthur tells Merlin he doesn’t have an Academic Dad. “You don't have an Academic Dad yet?!‘ ’ Given that they'd both just stepped out of the cold, bright Autumn morning and into the University Library, shouting was probably not really the best of all possible plans. Arthur slapped his forehead in frustration, looked from Merlin over to the audience of intrigued students and unimpressed librarians, and turned on his heel and walked right back outside again.”

God Merlin is so tactless. He always has to make a giant scene about everything. I used to like you, Merlin but you’ve been really getting on my nerves the last two chapters. Have some self-awareness, damn.

Arthur turns around and leaves; Merlin runs after him, apologizing. Probably still yelling at the top of his lungs to continue attracting attention. Of course Merlin starts to fall so Arthur grabs him and saves him, holding on just a little too long. Just bros, people. Just bros.

Arthur then walks away. As he should. I would still be pissed too. “And with that he stomped off down the path, leaving Merlin standing there with a head full of questions tumbling like leaves on a blustery Autumn day.” I’m going to give that an unnecessarily dramatic, flowery language warning. You’re on notice, fic.

Later, Merlin goes back to the dorm and Arthur tells him that Lance called him up and asked him if he wanted Lance to be his Academic Dad. Arthur wonders if Merlin called him up and told him. He admits to it, though I don’t think it would have been strictly necessary considering how many people were in the library when Merlin screamed his comment. Word gets around. Lance probably just heard about the incident. Or maybe literally heard the incident take place.

Chapter 14

Merlin and Arthur arrive at Morgana’s house and Morgause answers the door. Arthur asks where her “deadly” kitten Mordred is. We learn that it’s Raisin Sunday Tea Party and everyone has to pick out a hat. Even though Merlin is no longer worried about drunkenly doing magic in front of people, he still worries about Arthur. “Which meant that all he had to worry about was being careful not to say or do anything inappropriate to Arthur – and by this time, he thought he could have earned a BAFTA award for his compelling portrayal of Platonic Best Friend. Bloody well done him. Fifty points to Gryffindor, damn it.” These lies Merlin is telling himself right now.

Morgana gifts everyone with their “Raisin Strings.” Arthur’s is the best one as it’s basically just a necklace with a plane pendant modeled after his real plane. Gwen gets a hip flask in honor of her and Morgana winning the pub crawl and her budding alcoholism, and Merlin gets a massive stuffed Kraken. On a string. To wear on his neck. And Morgana’s explanation is so cringey I want to die for Merlin, “Because Merlin's terribly fond of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. And I understand he has a thing for tentacles. Or was it testicles? One or the other. Possibly both. Anyway, that's enough of me talking – let's hand over to the lovely Helen!”

After their tea party, which was cups of whiskey, they start playing a bunch of ridiculous games, most of which involve more drinking. Then, they all get into groups of four for, you guessed it, Twister! In 3D! “But rather than placing your hands and feet on different coloured circles on the floor, you're supposed to put your hands, or face, or bum, on various different parts of the other people in your team. The aim of the game is to successfully obey the game master's instructions; so long as you've got your hands, face and bum pressed up against whatever they're supposed to be on, and your teammates have too, your team is still in the game. When your team drops out, you each have to down a cup of Grandma Morgause's Blue Meanie Punch. Any questions?” In case you were wondering.

Percy is on Merlin’s team. “Merlin grinned back appreciatively, and reflected that it might not be so bad; Perceval played a lot of football, and it showed. He was a smidgen shorter than Merlin, but impressively athletic, and strikingly good looking, with skin the richly burnished red-brown of a just-split conker, and dark hair in dreadlocks that fell down past his shoulders.” That description.

LOL I mean, it’s funny because Tom Hopper is like a million feet tall and massive. This was written before his character was introduced on the show but still. I’m laughing.

Merlin’s team loses and there’s two teams left. “Merlin, Andi and Percy all piled together on the sofa, Merlin wriggling down so that his back was on the cushion, his legs hooked over the arm rest and his head pillowed companionably on Percy's thigh.” Quite an interesting decision there, Merlin since you pretty much just met Percy. As long as he’s cool with you laying on his crotch, I guess. Kay’s team topples over so Arthur’s team wins, naturally, “…and Merlin was clapping and cheering madly as Arthur disentangled himself blushingly from his partners and then looked over in Merlin's direction with an expression that Merlin had not the faintest idea how to interpret.” I’ll interpret it for you, dumbass. Arthur is jealous of you being face first in some other dude’s lap.

The next came involves sucking chocolate balls onto a straw and dropping them into a glass. Kay makes a disgusting joke regarding Merlin’s sucking skills. Die in a fire, Kay, etc. etc.

So then this happens: “He was doing quite well, he thought, until he glanced up and saw that Arthur had frozen with his straw poised over his own pint glass, and was just staring at Merlin with an intensity that made Merlin flush suddenly scarlet. He looked back down at his box in confusion, but then had to look back up at Arthur again, through his eyelashes, and Arthur was still staring at him – staring at his mouth, in fact – and Merlin could feel himself getting embarrassingly turned on,” and “…and Arthur was licking his lips, like – like – but clearly Merlin was having some kind of alcohol-induced breakdown, because there was no way that Arthur was giving him any kind of heated come-hither-ish looks.” The secondhand embarrassment. I cannot. Arthur, be more obvious that you were imagining Merlin give you a blow job. Merlin, be more obtuse.

Later, Merlin once again brings up Gwen and Lance and he asks her if she’s finally going to get together with him. Gwen is annoyingly dense about it but, I have to agree with her getting annoyed with Merlin bringing it up over and over and over. Fucking stop.

Next is a jelly shot contest. Merlin is lying on the floor with his shirt off; Blanche, his partner, is blindfolded and will be eating the shots off him. Arthur sits and stares at Merlin the whole time. It’s awkward and weird.

The next game involves Chocolate Matchmakers. I have no idea what those are because we don’t have them so I just kind of imagine them as chocolate covered pretzel rods. So they have to pass them around through each other’s mouths and with each person, it gets shorter and shorter because the person passing the candy bites of the end that’s in their mouth. Arthur is of course sitting next to Merlin for this, so Merlin is understandably losing his shit. Poor Drunk Merlin. Oh and there’s a donut on the matchmaker so whomever gets the donut wins? Whatever. These games are weird, but very stereotypical drunk games.

So Merlin gets ready to pass to Arthur and it’s all very tense with the chocolate quickly melting in his mouth, Arthur grabs the end of the chocolate, “…but instead, he found Arthur was still moving towards him, closer and closer, his lips sliding down over inch after inch until he'd swallowed up chocolate and doughnut and all, and was pressing his mouth against Merlin's, swiping his tongue lingeringly over Merlin's startled lips as he stole the game.”

NORMAL BRO STUFF PEOPLE. NOTHING TO SEE HERE. MOVE ALONG.

Merlin freaks out and goes to the bathroom, for which I don’t blame him. Then he masturbates in the bathroom, which is really awkward because he’s at someone else’s house.

Chapter 15

So now we get to the part in the story where I accidentally hate Gwen even though what happens next isn’t her fault. Well not entirely. I also hate Arthur. A lot. Because he’s a complete ass. Stay tuned!

Merlin gets back from the bathroom and spots Arthur speaking to Gwen. Merlin is upset because he wanted to tell Gwen everything that happened; I would too. Then Arthur gets all flirty and up in Gwen’s space, “…and then Arthur was leaning even closer and pushing a strand of curls behind her ear, murmuring something, and she was stumbling over her words and going wide-eyed and startled, staring up at him...”

What in the actual FUCK are you doing, Arthur? Merlin has the best possible reaction, “’Oh,’ said Merlin, blankly, and he turned on his heel and went to find Mordred.” That is word for word what I would have done in the situation. Poor Merlin.

Merlin is playing with Mordred when Morgana finds him and they have a really sweet, though sad for Merlin, and honest conversation about Arthur. Morgana is really nice to him about it and she even acknowledges Arthur was flirting with Merlin. “I could shake him. He was definitely flirting with you down there, and it's not fair. It's really not fair.” DO IT, MORGANA. SHAKE HIM. DO IT NOW.

Later, Lance shows up to pick them all up for his portion of the festivities. “When Lance had shown up to collect his Academic kids Merlin had seen him watch the way that Arthur leaned into her space and wrapped his hands around her waist from behind, resting his chin on her shoulder, making her giggle – and Merlin had watched the light go out of Lance's eyes then and there.” Yikesapolooza. What the fuckering fuck are you doing, Arthur? Can you be more of a self-serving asshole? You know how Lance feels about Gwen and you clearly know how Merlin feels about you. Plus you JUST flirted heavily with Merlin. I don’t care if you are just asserting your straightness after the whole Merlin kiss because you’re having a big gay crisis. Fucking no. You’re hurting three other people with this nonsense.

Arthur spends the whole walk flirting with Gwen which ends up in a tickle fights on the ground. Hey, remember when he did that with another character earlier? Also, get up off the ground you idiots. Gross.

Merlin and Co are at Lance’s friends’ house and Arthur and Gwen are still grossly flirting in front of Lance and Merlin. Merlin confronts Lance about not asking Gwen out. “’Well – I mean, I've – um. Do we have to talk about this?’ ‘Yes,’ said Merlin, firmly. ‘Yes we do. Because it's driving me batshit insane, and because I really need a distraction this evening, and you, you lucky man, are it…’” Fucking finally. It’s driving me insane too, Merlin. Damn.

So basically, Lance used to be fat and ugly and that’s why he won’t do casual flings.

Which is stupid and doesn’t answer the question about Gwen whatsoever. “It's just that I don't really do casual flings, that's all. It's not my cup of tea. But when I met Gwen – it was like she was exactly who I'd been waiting for my whole life. I can't describe it. As soon as I saw her – I mean, she just walked in and the whole room lit up. I wanted to do something amazing for her – climb mountains, slay dragons, something. Just for her. She took my breath away.” That’s way too excessive, Lance. Calm down.

Merlin tells Lance to get his shit together because Gwen is super into him. Cue: “Gwen had got her arms around Arthur's neck, and her knees on either side of his lap, and was kissing the crap out of him.” Of course. Merlin gets up to get another drink. Probably not the best idea since he’s been smashed for about 6 hours at that point. He should really just go back to his dorm and sleep it off at this point. Poor Merlin.

As Merlin is in the kitchen, Edwin magically shows up and they start engaging in some inappropriate PDA against the fridge when Arthur walks in on them. Because of course he does. Merlin looks at Arthur, “At an Arthur who was blushing a shocked, blotchy scarlet and staring at Merlin like he wanted to punch him. Or possibly punch Edwin – Merlin wasn't entirely sure.” Arthur leaves. And fuck him, honestly. He has no right to be pissed off at Merlin for being with another guy when he was LITERALLY just making out with Gwen. In front of Merlin. Asshole.

So this section was ok. I don’t like Cedric being gross towards Merlin at the GaySoc meeting. The charity pub crawl really threw me off. Seriously, is this a legit thing that people do? I get just doing a three-legged pub crawl race with your friends for fun but charity? Really? What charity wants to be associated with drunken debauchery? Also, I’m getting real tired of Arthur being super obviously into Merlin, Merlin being deliberately obtuse about it and Arthur doing nothing. What an ass.

Now let’s talk about the Gwen/Arthur/Lance/Merlin love square. It’s stupid. Genuinely stupid. Gwen might be stupid about Lance’s feelings but there’s no way she doesn’t know Merlin, her BEST FRIEND, has feelings for Arthur. Plus, she insists Lance is too good for her and doesn’t have a thing for her and yet has no problem accepting making out with THE PRINCE OF WALES? REALLY, GWEN? REALLY? She is honestly so dumb. If I liked Lance, I would tell him to stop wasting his time and find someone better. Ok, I know I’m getting blamey towards Gwen but I do think she does hold some responsibility for her actions here. Obviously Arthur is also 100% in the wrong here. He knows Gwen likes Lance and Lance likes Gwen. He also has to know Merlin is somewhat into him or else he never would have gone for that kiss during the tea party. Arthur is just using Gwen, which is really fucking gross, to assert his straightness to Merlin (and probably himself but I don’t care about him and he can fuck off). I don’t care. Stop being an ass and purposely hurting everyone around you. Because that’s what he’s doing. Merlin deserves better than this asshole, prince or not.

Other than that, I liked the pub bar crawl just as a general scene, minus the charity stuff that makes no sense. I also liked the tea party chapters. All five chapters were pretty enjoyable to read. It’s some good Merlin/Arthur angst, particularly during the party, right up until Arthur fucks it all up. I also like Morgana actually being really sweet towards Merlin about Arthur. And three cheers for kitten Mordred. Flawless character.

Until next time:

#merlin #bbc merlin #the student prince #Merlin fic #review #stupidest charity activity ever #drunken platonic tickle fights #NOTHING TO SEE HERE #SERIOUSLY MOVE ALONG #NORMAL BRO STUFF #Morgana smirking #Gwen is stupid #Lance was fat so that's why he won't ask out Gwen #makes perfect sense #teaparty #cat Mordred #Merlin deserves better #Arthur can go away #Kay can get hit by a bus

[merlinficreview]

The Student Prince: Chapters 6-10 Review!

The Student Prince by FayJay

Word Count: 145222

Chapter 6

This chapter opens with Merlin bitching, “’I still can't believe I paid all that money for this stupid gown,’ muttered Merlin under his breath. Arthur reached over to clip him around the ear without breaking his stride, and Merlin ducked and avoided the blow reflexively, grinning.” I don’t blame him. I hated buying shit for school so much and let me tell you, as a nursing student, I had to buy A LOT. Also, wtf at that reaction, Arthur? Your poor friend is complaining about having to buy ceremonial robes he’s going to wear once and your reaction is to assault him? What?

“’You didn't,’ said Arthur. ‘The St Andrews-Camelot Scholarship Fund did. Along with the Prince's Trust. Which is to say, me. So stop whining.’” My point still stands.

“’Oh, come on – we look like a load of Santa-flavoured drag queens,’ Merlin protested, glancing around at the flock of students in their thick, strawberry-bright robes who were making their way towards St Salvator's chapel for mass.” Uh. “Santa-flavoured,” has to be one of the oddest descriptions ever. Why flavored? What does Santa taste like? Probably the souls of small children with the stench of cookie-binge guilt. Is Merlin licking these robes to know what flavor they are? So many questions.

So I’m not 100% sure what’s even going on with this scene because it mentions them walking to mass in these robes but they walk like 10 miles and there’s a cliff, so I have no idea what to picture.

“It's a stupid tradition. We walk all the way to the harbour, walk down to the end of the pier, climb up onto the second level, where there's no guard rail and the waves are crashing madly into the stonework, and walk back to the start of the pier – only this time we're walking on something the width of a cream cracker, like bloody tight-rope-walkers. With no guard rail.” Well that seems completely safe and not at all something the school has probably been sued for multiple times or anything when half their student body tumbles off the pier and dies. What even is the point? It’s a tradition. OK? Of what? Survival of the fittest?

“’Only for a few yards, then there's a whole lot of teeny tiny thin pathway twenty feet up above the stone and fifty feet up above the sea, and no guard rail.’ Gwen snorted. ‘Chicken.’ ‘I'm just saying it's completely pointless!’” Merlin is the only sane person around, damn.

“’Oh, shut up and tell me what colour underwear Prince Arthur's wearing, so I can imagine tearing it off with my teeth,’ she muttered into his ear, and he made an outraged noise.” Stop it, Gwen.

Merlin starts asking Gwen about Lance and when she’s going to hook with up with him and she’s so stupidly oblivious about it it’s embarrassing AND annoying. “’He's a nice guy,’ said Merlin, nudging Gwen. ‘So, are you playing hard to get, or what?’ ‘What?’ she stared up at him blankly. Merlin pulled a face. ‘Well - Lance, of course,’ he said, tilting his head and searching her eyes for signs of sarcasm. ‘He's potty about you. Obviously.’ Gwen laughed. ‘Oh, don't be daft!’ she said, punching his arm. ‘He's just being friendly! He's practically a monk!’”

Merlin tries to explain to his poor dim friend that Lance is into her, “’Don't, Merlin,’ she said, looking at him unhappily. ‘Please don't.’ He frowned. ‘But – I don't get it.’ He glanced over at Lance again, and sure enough the guy was gazing back at Gwen with his heart in his eyes. ‘What do you want, interpretive dance? Semaphore?’ ‘Well, asking me out on a date would be a great start,’ she said, tartly. ‘You know, something subtle and understated like that. But that's not going to happen, because blokes like him don't date girls like me, they date girls like Angelina Jolie.’ She swallowed. ‘Or Elaine.’ Merlin gaped. ‘Are you pulling my leg?’ ‘I wish you wouldn't do this,’ she said, looking away. ‘Can we talk about something else?’” Even though she’s dumb, I do have to agree with her, “Well, asking me out in a date would be a great start,” point.

Merlin randomly has a tantrum about being poor and hating all the rich people around him. Ok, Merlin. Do you, I guess.

Gwen tells Merlin the clubs she’s joined, “Tunnocks Caramel Wafer Appreciation Society, Rock Soc, Film Club, Wine Tasting, Canoeing, The Mountaineering Club and Touch Rugby," she recited, counting them off on her fingers.” I really just wanted to point out Tunnocks Caramel Wafer Appreciation Society. What? Is this a club dedicated to loving a specific type of cookie? Can we also appreciate how random all these are? None of them are even remotely related to each other. Spread your horizons, I guess, Gwen. I mean, she’ll have the time once she realizes her school doesn’t offer the program she wants to major in. Gwen has also joined Lance’s Professional Knight in Shining Armor group, but it’s a secret so she tells Merlin not to tell anyone.

Then Sophia starts making her way down the sketchy cliff ladder and her skirts start blowing away in the wind. Men are gross and make gross comments, etc., etc. Gawain says that she’s looking over at Arthur. “’What do you mean, in there? His Royal Hotness is in everywhere,’ said Kay, sounding petulant. ‘There's not a single female in this city between the ages of fifteen and a hundred and five that he couldn't have just for snapping his fingers, the jammy bugger.’” Just putting this quote in here because I fucking hate it when men refer to women as, “females.”

So Sophia falls off the Death Trap Ladder. Surprise, surprise, and Merlin stops time to save her. Merlin decides to make her weightless so he can catch her. He starts time again and she lands in his arms just as Arthur runs into them and they all fall down. As per usual, Arthur gets all the credit for Merlin saving someone. At least Arthur is not happy about it.

Merlin is suspicious that Sophia threw herself off the ladder on purpose. Gwen gets pissed because she’s stupid but Morgana and Morgause agree.

Chapter 7

Merlin has reached Arthur’s car and Sophia is protesting getting in. Not at all suspicious. “’I'm allergic,’ Sophia said, her eyes darting around the circle as if seeking a way out, wide eyed and trembling like a cornered rabbit. ‘To cars?’ said Kay, his incredulity clear in his voice. ‘No! To – uh – to air freshener,’ she said, pointing at the little green fir tree swinging from the rear view mirror. ‘I get a terrible reaction – it could send me into anaphylactic shock. Please don't make me.’” This made me laugh. What a terrible lie.

Merlin straight up asks her why she’s being so sketch, “’No,’ she said in her sweet, clear voice, burrowing closer into Gwen's arms. ‘There is nothing else I should tell you.’ She swallowed, and then said: ‘But I hate cars. They make me feel – trapped.’ ‘You're claustrophobic?’ said Gwen, sounding startled. ‘I had no idea! She frowned. ‘Okay, but – come on, Soph. You must have come to St Andrews by car, or by bus, because there's no train station, and you're not going to tell me you sailed in, or flew in!’” Wait… didn’t Merlin and Gwen get there by train?

Gwen, Lance and Sophia get in Arthur’s car and leave. Arthur doesn’t go with them which makes me laugh. Kay is a super asshole about women. No one is surprised. “‘Well, at least I get laid. Emrys is a pathetic little horndog who's just hoping for a pity fuck if he pretends to be a Sensitive New Age Guy,’ said Kay. ‘It's pitiful. Carpe the fucking diem, Emrys.’”

Honestly, what the fuck?

Arthur tells them that Merlin is gay, which shocks Merlin because he didn’t think Arthur knew about it. And also, what the fuck are you doing, Arthur? Don’t fucking out people like that. Kay continues to be the absolute worst, “An expression of distaste curled his lip. ‘My point stands, though – you can't be friends with people you want to fuck. So if he's an uphill gardener, he can't be friends with us.’”

I feel like we need to have another conversation about friends and how they reflect on you. I mentioned this in a previous review but whatever. Your friends are a reflection of who you are as a person. Arthur is friends with Kay who is obviously a sexist, entitled, homophobic asshole. You cannot be friends with that type of person without it saying something about you as a person and if I were Merlin, I would stay the fuck away from all of them.

“’I wouldn't want to fuck you if you had a ten inch knob made of solid gold and your arsehole was the gate to Nirvana, you massive pillock,’ said Merlin, red faced and furious. ‘I can't be friends with you because you're a gibbering twatwaffle, not because I would ever, in a million years, want to shag you. Get over yourself!’”

Tell him, Merlin!

Arthur tells Merlin that Sophia is beautiful and asks whether Merlin thinks he should send Sophia flowers or deliver them himself.

Chapter 8

Arthur wakes up at 6am to go running.

Weirdo.

When Merlin’s alarm goes off, it’s to “My Heart Will Go On,” which Arthur changed it to. Sure.

Merlin goes to visit Gaius and has a quick chat with the dragon about Sophia, asking him what she is. Of course the dragon gives him some nonsensical answer.

Anyways, Gaius and Merlin talk about Merlin’s high class fancy friends and Gaius mentions Morgause hating the royal family but liking Morgana. “Morgana is her cousin – oh, don't make me recount all this ancient history, Merlin. The intricacies of who hates whom and why are enough to make me tear out what remains of my hair and move to China. Suffice it to say that Morgause is loyal to a fault to Morgana, and tolerates Arthur, but she has - very marked opinions about the King.” Which is an odd thing to say because it was previously implied that Morgana and Morgause were kind of a thing. European Royalty, man.

Merlin is super impressive with his amazing magic skills so Gaius has to rewrite all their lesson plans for the whole year. Which is his own fault because Merlin’s previous teacher told Gaius how good Merlin was and Gaius didn’t believe her. Merlin sort of tells Gaius about the Sophia thing and Gaius gives Merlin some ideas about what she could be.

“Yes, Her Grace did mention something about mistrusting some young lady who went near Arthur. Although I have to say that having seen how much raw power you have at your command, I do find myself feeling rather reassured about the prince's safety. Of course the dragon's magic protects him when he's on the University grounds, but one can't limit his movements entirely.” Remember this for later. I have my reasons.

Then Gaius actually explains the whole dragon on the door thing, “’Ah – that picture on the doors is The Great Dragon.’ He pointed at his own red door with its gold painted dragon. ‘The last of the dragons. He lived and died millennia ago, but his spirit – his soul, if you will – is bound to the bones of the university. The stones of the School of Sorcery scattered across the globe are his living skeleton, in accordance with a mighty work of magic wrought during the Golden Age, and nobody can be attacked by magic within the bounds of the wyrm.’ Gaius sounded very much like he was quoting from some well-known text book that Merlin hadn't read.”

“…Either way, the buildings that hold the doors are all protected, so young Arthur is safe in most of the University buildings in St Andrews. We have rather a lot of dragon doors in that little town.” Remember this too. Reasons, etc.

So Merlin goes back to talking about Sophia and how she smelled like honeysuckle. This throws Gaius into quite a tizzy. “Gaius's face fell. ‘Oh dear,’ he said. ‘Oh. Oh dear me.’ ‘What?’ ‘I warned him! Don't do it, I said, but did he listen to me? Oh no, His Majesty always knows best. And now look where we are!’ ‘What?’ ‘You shouldn't go disturbing these things, I told him. We'll have to pay for it. And have I not had a crack team of fifteen wizards protecting the wretched man day and night ever since? So of course they'd go on to target his family – typical!’” You know what I fucking hate? When a character has to ask multiple fucking times for an explanation to something that the other character knows about. Just fucking tell him, damn. No need to go on and on and on about how you “told him so!” Good fucking job. So since I’m a nice fucking person, I’ll just tell you what happened. Uther stole from the fairies and they are pissed. No one is surprised, Uther is stupid, etc. End of story.

Then Gaius basically says, “LOL What a fiasco. Sophia is super dangerous, good luck with that, Merlin,” and offers him no help whatsoever. So Gaius is just as useless in this as in the show. Yup, I said it.

Merlin leaves and tries, unsuccessfully, to get the dragon to help him. “’How do you get rid of a fairy?’ he said. ‘I mean, I think she wants to kill Arthur, or maybe kidnap him or something – Gaius thinks she's out for revenge.’ ‘The Sidhe are immortal,’ said the dragon, studying its claws. ‘That's – not really the answer I was hoping for.’ ‘Such is life, young warlock.’” I hate these assholes.

Merlin asks why the dragon let himself be trapped in the walls or whatever. “The dragon tilted its head. ‘Because you promised that you would set me free,’ it said, and Merlin felt a chill run down his spine. ‘What?’ ‘When you bound me here. You promised that one day I would be free to fly again.’” You know, if you want Merlin to let you free, you might try being less of a major jackass and actually help him.

Just saying.

Chapter 9

Merlin decides the best approach to protecting Arthur is to stalk him. Not a great idea when half of Arthur’s friends are gross homophobes. “A quick glance around revealed plenty of pretty girls (and indeed not-so-pretty girls, and several boys, and at least one little lady old enough to be his grandmother who should definitely not have been looking at Arthur with such a frankly appreciative expression) casting languishing gazes in the prince's direction, but none of them looked like Gwen's roommate.” What is this elderly person doing on a college campus? Is she a professor? Is she lost? Someone better check on her.

“’Thought you might like to come for a coffee, or something,’ he added, randomly. ‘Looks like your pet chav has a little crush, Arthur,’ said Kay, with a curl of the lip. ‘Clearly he can't stand being parted from you for more than five minutes. He'll probably start dry-humping your leg in a minute.’”

See what I mean? What’s Arthur’s response? “’Give it a rest, Kay,’ said Arthur, frowning.” Oh, that’ll show him! It’s not like you’re the Prince of Wales or anything and can’t make him at least shut his fucking mouth around Merlin.

Then Merlin brings up Arthur invading his privacy, going through his things and changing his alarm without Merlin’s permission. “’I don't know why you tolerate him, Arthur,’ said Kay, rolling his eyes and setting off across the quad.”

Which… what? Someone push Kay in front of a fucking bus, honestly. Arthur is the one who fucked up here and Kay is blaming Merlin? Fuck you, Kay.

“’Oh – this is Leon, by the way. Leon – Merlin, my idiot roommate.’ Merlin nodded pleasantly at the latest Man In Black and tried not to feel insufficiently manly. ‘He was the one snoring when we left this morning.’ ‘I do not snore!’ said Merlin, scandalised. ‘Well then you did a very successful job of hiding some secret snorer in the bed with you.’” I’m only including this because it actually made me laugh out loud. Also, yay, Leon!

Later, Sophia and Gwen stop by Merlin and Arthur’s dorm. Sophia is clearly up to no good. “Merlin watched the two of them unhappily and felt a little shock of horror when he saw Arthur's eyes flash suddenly blood-red too. He really didn't need a book of magic or the advice of an immortal dragon to tell him that that was A Bad Thing.” First of all, duh. Second of all, oh look! Reasons has shown up! Remember how nothing could hurt Arthur while the dragon was around? What a liar.

The girls invite the boys out for a drink and Merlin is flipping his shit because the bar is not a building protected by the dragon to which I say: whatever, Merlin. She’s already put Arthur under a spell so I don’t know what you were expecting. She’s not going to whip out a machete and chop his head off in the middle of the bar. I would read that fic though.

At the bar, Gwen tells Merlin to stop being so obviously upset about Sophia and Arthur and she shockingly makes a good point when Merlin says he just doesn’t want anyone to get hurt, “’Oh,’ she said. ‘Well – right. But that happens, doesn't it? In life? And in relationships? I mean – it's all about sticking your neck out in the knowledge that some bastard might want to chop your head off, and just hoping and trusting that they won't.’”

“Fairy assassins who were immortal, and pissed off. And even if they weren't immortal, Merlin had never willingly killed so much as a spider, even when his mother was screaming and pointing and flapping her hands in misery. He'd always been more of a catch-the-spider-in-a-glass-and-set-it-free kind of guy. Progressing from that to even considering killing a living, breathing, thinking person – well, that wasn't a step that Merlin felt at all comfortable taking.” Clearly you’ve never seen your own BBC show, Merlin.

Merlin gets Sophia to go outside with him for a chat. She knows he’s a wizard and makes no secret of her desire to murder Arthur. I just feel like murder is a slight overreaction to some stolen gold, but you do you, Sidhe.

Merlin and Sophia make a deal and she gives him one day to give her the gold back. Then she basically tells him that he and everyone else are living in an endless cycle of reincarnation. Merlin is stupidly obtuse.

Chapter 10

Merlin goes to visit his BFF, Dragon MacUseless, “’Did you kill her?’ it asked, tilting its head and regarding him with dispassionate interest. ‘No!’ he exclaimed. ‘I'm not a murderer! I'm a physics student, for God's sakes! I don't go around killing people!’ The dragon yawned. ‘You used to be more pragmatic,’ it told him. ‘I expect you will be again.’” That’s what I said!

Merlin asks MacUseless if he should ask Nimueh or Gaius for help stealing the fairy gold, “’There is little enough love lost between Uther and Nimueh,’ the dragon said. ‘He blames her still for Igraine's death, while she holds him responsible in her turn.’ ‘Woah – come again?’ ‘Nimueh was part of the late queen's guard detail. She was supposed to keep Igraine safe. She failed.’” No pressure, Merlin!

“So the Royal Family do use wizard bodyguards, then? It's not just Morgana?” I don’t know why you’re acting like this is brand new information, Merlin. Gaius told you this was literally your job to Arthur.

The next scene takes place in the breakfast hall. AFTER Merlin has carried out stealing the gold. UGH. Major pet peeve alert, show us, don’t tell us!

Gaius confronts Merlin is the MOST infuriating way possible, “Stop! Stop right there – I really have no wish to hear you expound upon either Mathematics or Philosophy, Merlin. Just take the compliment, and let's leave it at that. You managed to keep the Prince of Wales safe and sound, but you did also give away a priceless treasure trove of ancient gold artifacts, and you made the King very cross indeed, and wore my patience very thin. So – you're not looking at life imprisonment in the Tower of London, but neither are you top of my list of favourite people right now. Don't push your luck by rambling on at me about Maths or Philosophy. And, Merlin?”

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO? It’s not like you were willing to help him or give him other ideas. Get the fuck out of here with that absolute NONSENSE, Gaius.

Later, Gwen asks Merlin if he got rid of Sophia. Which, even though is technically true, is a ridiculous thing to blame him for given the information Gwen has about the situation. Gwen says it’s weird and I say, you now have your own room! Congrats!

“Gwen shook her head unhappily. ‘The Warden isn't worried – he said that she had to leave. Something about a family emergency, or something like that. He was weirdly hazy on the details, but he seemed completely calm about it all – like it's something that just happens.’” Ok, if the warden had already told you this, then why the fuck are you blaming Merlin? And yes, it is something that just happens. You can’t schedule your family emergencies during summer break, Gwen. Stop being stupid.

“And as if the mere presence of Arthur Pendragon, resolutely heterosexual star of at least half of Merlin's teenage wank fantasies, wasn't distraction enough, Merlin also found himself called upon, in the weeks after he'd successfully negotiated a peaceful settlement with the Sidhe's assassin of choice, to protect Arthur from an over-amorous Selkie, two vampires, a small flock of ghouls, a gargoyle, and the ghost of Patrick Hamilton, who had been martyred in front of Sallies Quad.” Remember how nothing bad could happen to Arthur at school? This is some like Dumbledore level of “protection.”

So that’s it for this post. It’s starting to pick up now that we’ve got the introductory chapters out of the way, which is good. I get annoyed every time I read this fic about how we don’t actually get to see Merlin’s great gold caper. I am also getting increasingly annoyed at Gwen’s stupidity. I get that the author was going for a, “both characters are oblivious for their attraction to each other/ will they won’t they,” sort of thing but sacrificing Gwen’s intelligence for it is not a good look. Gwen is also really obtuse about other things that it almost makes me think the author is making her stupid on purpose. I also hate Kay. So. Much. LOL at the dragon’s, worthless “protection.” He literally does nothing to help protect Arthur. Other than that, it’s been an enjoyable five chapters.

Until Next Time:

#merlin #bbc merlin #merlin fic #review #The Student Prince #Gwen and Lance are stupid #To the point where I just roll my eyes any time either of them opens their mouth #Especially Gwen #Dragon's protection is a lie #Gaius is worthless #Poor Merlin getting stuck with all these idiot assholes #Pray for Merlin #Where is Will #I know wrong fic but WIll needs to come and straighten out Kay

[merlinficreview]

Hey so I was wondering if you could help me out. I can't find this fix I read a while back and I was wondering if you've heard of it. It starts with Merlin on the pyre and the townspeople upset about it. Soon it turns into the townspeople standing up for him against Arthur. It ends with Arthur and Merlin being all buddy buddy again and yeah. If you have no clue what I'm talking about don't go searching for it, you won't find it. But if you do it would be a great help! Thanks for your time!!!!

Romeo: Juliet doesn’t read canon-era fic, so you’re stuck with me (sorry for the late response, by the way; I’ve been neglecting tumblr something terrible as of late). I’m actually not sure I’ve ever read a fic that went quite like that, but I do have one where Merlin gets burnt at the stake for magic and things turn out okay in the end: Beauty In the Ashes of Our Lives by Fulgance.

Hope that helps, and if it’s not quite what you were looking for, then hopefully you can enjoy that one all the same.

[merlinficreview]

The Student Prince: Chapter 1-5 Review!

Sorry it’s been 84 years since Romeo or I have posted anything. Romeo is back to school for the semester so her time is limited and work has been really draining on me recently. Never fear, we are still here though and I’ve got a review!

The Student Prince by FayJay

Word Count: 145222

Ok guys, this is it. The infamous Student Prince fic. I have read this one before and I liked it because it seems to be the closest fic I’ve found to a modernized version of the BBC show. Plus, as I’ve already said before, I am a sucker for Modern Royalty AUs. This fic also takes place at the University of St. Andrews, which I know nothing about. So google will be my trusty friend throughout this review.

Here we go!

Chapter 1

We begin with Merlin getting hit in the face with some luggage and falling onto some poor elderly lady. Merlin has to maintain an extra sense of control when objects are flying towards his face because he has magic and doesn’t want to out himself. Yay Modern Day Magic Fic!

So it turns out the luggage situation was someone else’s fault. “She glanced from Merlin to the lady and then back again, her face the picture of mortification, and Merlin – who had been feeling a little disgruntled about the whole unexpected-rain-of-luggage scenario – took one look at her huge brown eyes and immediately wanted to reassure her that he had thoroughly enjoyed being knocked half unconscious.” Haha, aww.

The luggage canon introduces herself as Gwen. Yay, Gwen! She is studying engineering at St. Andrews. I think it’s weird that Gwen already has all her textbooks. Have they already signed up for their classes? How would she know what to buy?

Gwen tells Merlin she also has a hammer in her bag. "’Of course there is,’ nodded Merlin, gravely. ‘Who travels without a hammer in their luggage these days? One never knows when a spot of joinery might be in order.’ The corner of his mouth twitched. ‘Stop!’ he said, raising one hand in front of him. Gwen blinked, and after a beat Merlin added: ‘Hammer Time! Dooo doodoodoo! Doodoo! Doo! Hammer Time!’ as he improvised a quick, and truly terrible, attempt at the Hammer Dance in the cramped confines of the aisle.’”

Oh my God. How embarrassing. Stop it, Merlin. Then Gwen tells Merlin that she makes her own jewelry and Merlin is super impressed. Merlin even does the dance a second time and I want to crawl in a hole and die from secondhand embarrassment. Merlin, you JUST met Gwen. Calm yourself.

“’Hey, it's not really Merlin, is it?’ Gwen asked, looking at him sidelong. ‘I mean – really really? You're pulling my leg, right? I mean – nobody's called Merlin. Why would any woman name her baby after an old man with a long white beard and a pointy hat? It's like calling your baby Gandalf.’” This is the second time Gwen has awkwardly expressed disbelief about Merlin’s name. Stop being weirdly obsessed with his name, Gwen. How fucking rude. Poor Merlin. Getting assaulted by luggage and then getting his name made fun of. Good start to college, Merlin. Good start.

Then Gwen points out that Prince Arthur is also going to be attending St. Andrews and she says Merlin and Arthur will become besties. Merlin points out that her name is Guinevere and that she’ll be future queen.

"’That isn't why I applied there,’ she insisted. ‘I mean, I know that there must be thousands of girls who filled in their UCAS forms with St Andrews just because they're living some kind of stupid “Princess Diaries” fantasy and they think they're going to meet him and he'll fall for them and they'll end up with a tiara and a load of corgis, but I'm serious about my career. St Andrews has an excellent engineering department. I was going to apply there long before I heard that's where Arthur was going.’”

But that’s not the plot of The Princess Diaries at all?

I also have the St. Andrews website pulled up because like I said, I know nothing about it, or going to school in the UK, to be honest, and it doesn’t even look like St. Andrews has an engineering department. Man, Gwen is going to be pissed when she finds out she spent all her money on textbooks for a degree her school doesn’t offer.

Then Gwen tells us how King Uther met his wife while they were at Oxford once upon a time. "It's such a beautiful story, isn't it? The way they met at Oxford when she borrowed his jar of Gold Blend, not even realising he was the Prince of Wales at first because he was in the middle of shaving and she was distracted by her friend's dog...oh, they were so in love!" Gold Blend is coffee, by the way. I had to google it too. In what situation would a man be shaving his face next to a container of instant coffee while a random dog is nearby? That’s such an odd scene to imagine. Maybe she knocked in his door to borrow the coffee and she had the dog with her? Were there co-ed dormitories back then?

Merlin is just as suspicious about this story as I am and pops Gwen’s bubble, telling her it was most likely PR. I agree.

"Merlin shook his head mutely, and carefully didn't mention any of the books or magazines he might possibly have read about Prince Arthur and his family. Especially not the outrageously hot photoshoot in GQ magazine that he'd been hiding under his bed for the past three months, and frantically jerking off to most nights. Nope, definitely not mentioning that. Gwen rolled her eyes. ‘Uther and Igraine – it's like a modern day Romeo and Juliet!’" First of all, 100% do not mention that to Gwen. Good decision. Second of all, Gwen has a really hard time grasping plots, doesn’t she? No wonder she decided to major in a non-existent department at her university. She’s not a very bright girl.

We then learn that Merlin is planning to major in physics. That is a department at St. Andrews, good job, Merlin! Then Gwen compares their journey to Hogwarts. “He found himself wishing he could explain about Professor Gaius and Doctor Nimueh, and about the kind of text books he had stuffed into the bottom of his rucksack – but that wasn't going to happen. Magic was secret, and secret it should stay. Nobody wanted to go back to the days of witchburnings.” Poor Merlin. It’s always so sad that he has to hide himself. I will also give him a pass for already having magic books because that’s different.

Gwen and Merlin talk a little more about Harry Potter and then go right back to talking about Arthur and how they’ll probably never meet him. Well…

Then Merlin gets real depressing real fast. "Whatever. All those posh interbred types with more rooms than they know what to do with and flocks of sheep wandering around on their enormous ancient estates - that's who he'll be hanging out with. Not with a physics student from a grotty little council estate in Cardiff, or an engineering student – however lovely – who lives above her dad's garage in Wembley. Face it – we don't have our own flocks of sheep." Brutal Honesty Hour! It’s my favorite time of day!

Merlin then shares some chocolate with Gwen and they enjoy the rest of their train ride.

Chapter 2

“The door was open a crack when Merlin reached his room in St Salvator's Hall, and he could hear voices inside, and what sounded rather a lot like The Rolling Stones.” I looked up St. Salvator’s Hall and holy crap those rooms are nice. According to the photos, the rooms are like twice as big as the dorm rooms of the university I went to. I also decided to compare prices, for funsies, and also to sit and cry about how much more ridiculously expensive it is to go to university here than in other countries. The fee for a shared room at St. Salvator’s Hall is £5,837 which includes a meal plan. That’s 6292.55 USD for comparison. At the University that I went to, a shared room with communal bath is 6,795 USD. This does not include a meal plan which could add up to around 800 USD if you pick the one with the most meals. Those rates are also per semester and not for the entire academic year. Now, St. Salvator’s rate does not state whether the fee is per semester or for the whole year but either way, it’s still way more expensive here in the US. It also looks like St. Salvator Hall doesn’t have communal bathrooms like the one located here that I looked up. Yay not affordable education here in the US!

Anyways, Merlin enters the room and his roommate is none other than the Prince of Wales himself, Arthur. Oh my god. I NEVER saw that one coming!

“’Only – I thought – well, I pretty much assumed that you'd be staying over at New Hall. Where they have single rooms. And ensuites with all the mod cons,’ blurted Merlin. ‘Not sharing a room in Sally's. Why are you sharing a room in Sally's?’ Arthur frowned. ‘Because I lost a bet, if you must know. With my father.’ He stared at Merlin, looking puzzled and a touch irritated. ‘You weren't expecting this, then? They didn't get you to sign things – Official Secrets Act, all that?’” I think that’s a fair question Merlin is asking and I also want to know what sort of bet Arthur lost. How fucking awkward that no one alerted Merlin to who his roommate was supposed to be. Don’t they give out roommate names before the semester starts?

So then Arthur gets bitchy that Merlin hasn’t signed a non-disclosure agreement. “Well – sorry if this sounds, you know, rude, but basically if you touch any of my stuff, or take photos of me or my friends, or tape conversations, or sell your story to the press, or – basically, if you act like a dick, right? Well, we're talking Tower of London, pretty much. That's the Cliff Notes version.”

Calm the fuck down, Arthur. Throwing Merlin in the tower for borrowing your history book is way too excessive. So then Merlin asks if he can make a citizen’s arrest if Arthur does any the aforementioned things to Merlin. Good job, Merlin. Arthur is a complete asshole about that, acting like Merlin’s stuff is grosser than the stuff on the bottom on Arthur’s shoes and tells Merlin he will replace anything he ruins with something of “equal value.” "’Like a stick of gum,’ murmured Kay, sniggering.” Yeah, be prepared to really really fucking hate Kay in this. "’I can see why you have to swear people to secrecy, if this is how you act when you're not around a reporter,’ blurted out Merlin, feeling cheated. ‘You really are a massive prat, aren't you? A smug, self-entitled, patronising git.’” Yassssss. You tell him, Merlin.

Arthur and his friends leave and then Merlin goes to find Gaius. We learn a little about the School of Sorcery. This School can be found in every single building on campus, one just has to find the special door with a dragon on it. Merlin finds the door located in his residence hall. Of course the dragon on the door talks to Merlin, "’Young Merlin!’ it said, in a voice like a rusty gate, blinking sulphurous eyes impossibly as it writhed through the wood like an eel in water. ‘Back so soon?’ ‘What?’ Merlin stared at it. ‘I haven't – this is my first time here, Master Dragon.’” So we get a little hint of reincarnation.

Merlin finds Gaius who tries to shoo him away until Merlin gives him his name. Gaius changes his tune after that and tells Merlin he knew his father. The first thing Merlin does is complain about sharing a room with Prince Arthur. He says it will make it too hard to hide his magic. “Gaius blinked at him owlishly. ‘Then I suggest that you learn some discretion, young man, and quickly,’ he said.’” That is such an annoying adult thing to say. What a non-answer. Poor Merlin. Gaius tells Merlin he is supposed to be rooming with Arthur so he can protect him and that wizards have always protected kings and queens. Merlin is unhappy with this news.

Chapter 3

This chapter opens with:

“Hey, Gwen – how's McIntosh Hall?

Brilliant! How's Sallies?

View good, mattress soft, roommate total plonker. Yours?

She seems OK. Sorry you got plonker. Want to meet later & go to Union together?

God, yes please!” It’s written just like that (italics represent direct quotes and bold represents italics within the fic. You know the drill). I assume they are texting.

Anyways: “It was the tail-end of summer, but apparently that meant something rather different on the East coast of Scotland than it did in Wales, and by the time Merlin got to Gwen's Hall of Residence he was wishing he'd brought a coat, rather than just pulling on a black v-neck jumper.” Does Merlin not know how to read a map, or?

Like… I know the UK is small compared to the US but he can’t really be that surprised that the Northern part of the UK is colder than the Southern part. There’s almost 500 miles in between Cardiff and St. Andrews. I’m glad Merlin isn’t majoring in geography.

So Merlin meets up with Gwen outside her residence hall where she has acquired a gentleman caller. It’s probably Lance. Merlin and Gwen hug. “’Hey, you,’ he said into her hair, feeling something in his chest tighten unexpectedly. ‘I missed you.’”

Calm down, Merlin. You’ve known her for thirty seconds and only been away for her for three of those.

Lance is not happy with Merlin’s presence. “’Hi, Lance,’ he said, ducking his head in Lance's general direction. Lance smiled back – or at least, he bared his teeth, which was almost the same thing. Merlin had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. ‘Hi,’ said Lance reaching out a hand that Merlin rather suspected was going to be bone-crushing. He let go of Gwen and accepted the handshake, and managed not to buckle under the pressure of Lance's Very Manly Indeed deathgrip of macho posturing.” LOL HOW HILARIOUS. Men treating women like objects and prizes to be won. Real knee slapper, that joke.

Gwen tells Merlin that Lance is going to be her Academic Dad and then informs us that there’s only 8 weeks until Raisin Weekend. Thanks, Exposition Gwen! So I also googled this Academic Family business since that’s not a thing we have here. So, basically an Academic Mum and Academic Dad are like mentors for first year students and freshmen are allowed to ask for someone to be their Academic Mother but the Academic Dad has to do the asking to the freshmen. So it makes no sense that Gwen was so shocked about Lance asking her. Whatever. Raisin Weekend is basically just an excuse to drink excessively with your Academic Parents and dress up in costumes that Monday and have shaving cream fights. Typical college nonsense.

“’Well, if I'd known they were giving away hot blokes with every room, I'd definitely have put my name down for McIntosh Hall.’ Lance made a startled noise, and his territorial expression shifted rather quickly into something entirely different and almost maiden auntish as Gwen punched Merlin's arm.” Get it, because Gay Merlin is no longer a threat to Lance chasing after Gwen. No one tell Lance bisexual people exist. I think his head would explode. No, you know what? Someone should tell him. He’s an asshole.

“Lance gave her a slightly sheepish grin. ‘It's okay,’ he said. ‘I'll be your designated driver – I'm not big on the alcohol.’ ‘I don't need a designated driver,’ said Gwen, looking at him sidelong. ‘It's a three minute walk! It would take longer to get a car started than it would to get there!’ ‘Right – well, designated guard dog, then. Or knight in shining armour, or guardian angel, or overprotective Dad – whatever you want to call it. I don't drink, so, you know – I'll make sure you're okay. Promise.’”

Oh my God. Slow your fucking roll and let her do what she wants. She’s not some poor defenseless damsel in distress.

Lance gives off an extreme sense of superiority in this fic. He’s a Buddhist, doesn’t drink, volunteers all over the fucking place as Professional Knight in Shining armor and he’s vegan. “’My Dad disapproves of the veganism,’ he admitted, sheepishly. ‘But it's not so hard, really. It feels good, knowing who I am, and what I want out of life. Being mindful in all things.’” Be more pretentious, Lance. Really, I want to see if you can top all of that.

“Merlin studied Lance, trying not to be too damned obvious about it. He wasn't at all sure if this guy was for real, or if he was playing some kind of elaborate joke, with all this holier-than-thou schtick. There was a disconcerting intensity to the man. Merlin wanted to like him, but he wasn't at all sure what to make of him. He did seem a bit too good to be true.” See, Merlin knows.

Oh and Lance is going to teach Gwen kickboxing. He has classes on Wednesday. Of course he does. Merlin is not into it, especially after meeting one of Lance’s students, Elaine. “Merlin looked at her biceps and swallowed. ‘Yeah – no thanks,’ he said, with a watery grin. ‘I've got a suspicion she'd crush me like a bug.’” Mostly I just included this because I wanted to talk about the phrase, “watery grin.” I see this ALL THE TIME in fanfic and it drives me crazy. What the fuck is a “watery grin?” If your smile is “watery,” swallow your fucking spit. That’s disgusting.

“Gwen bit her lip and glanced up at them. ‘Would you hate me forever if I left you for five minutes?’ she asked. ‘I need the ladies' room. I know I should have gone before we left, but I was caught up talking, and I didn't get around to it. Can you wait for me?’ ‘Until the stars fall from the sky,’ said Lance, bowing with an elaborate flourish that made Gwen roll her eyes.”

I don’t even have a response to this bullshit.

So Gwen goes to the bathroom and Merlin does his, “hurt her and I’ll kill you,” speech to Lance and afterwards they become friends and Lance offers to be Merlin’s Academic Dad.

When Gwen comes back she is absolutely flipping her shit because she saw Arthur. “’ComeOnComeOnComeOnComeOn!’ she said in a singsong voice. ‘You should see him! He's sitting at a table! Drinking a beer!’” Yes, let’s all go and gawk at him like an animal in the zoo. Gwen and Lance are being really annoying so far.

So Merlin tells Gwen that Arthur is his roommate and that he’s an asshole. He then requests that they not go stare at him like total creepers. Gwen is not happy. “He looked at Gwen and sighed. ‘Look, I promise that you'll get to see him again. In fact I'll text you when he's in the room, so you'll know when's a good time to swing by and visit me in Sally's and meet him properly. I'm sure he'd love to pose for a photo with you, and give you his signature, and all that kind of meet'n'greet thing.’” Ok, Merlin. This shit is why Arthur already doesn’t like you. No inviting people over to stalk your roommate and make promises on his behalf. Stop it.

They all go dance and Merlin makes a fool of himself doing the hammer dance, covered in glitter, wearing DIY hammer dance pants (I don’t know) that he got from… somewhere. Arthur stares at him and Merlin falls off the stage.

Chapter 4

Merlin wonders how many other sorcerers are at St. Andrews and we learn that he is there on scholarship. Must be nice. My poor loan debt ass is going to be paying for the two years I spent in nursing school for like ten years. Cheers.

Merlin hears Gwen laughing, “He spotted her over on the other side of the room, in front of a table advertising the St Andrews Fencing Society.” Gwen? Fencing? I mean, I guess. Why not? She’ll have a lot of time on her hands when she realizes the major she’s chosen doesn’t exist at that school. Gwen is with her roommate, Sophia.

“With that thought in mind, he marched purposefully over to the rainbow-festooned table advertising the St Andrews LGBT Society in cheery glittering letters. ‘Sign me up,’ he said, firmly, grinning at a bald girl with enough silver in her various cavities to sink a small ship. ‘I'm a card-carrying friend of Dorothy, and I'm gagging for a shag.’” What a colorful way to introduce yourself, Merlin.

Merlin stops in the middle of registering for his LGBT club to fantasize about Arthur. As you do.  “’Oh, marvellous,’ said a faintly familiar voice behind him, rippling with laughter. ‘Oh, that's just perfect. Does Arthur know yet?’” The person is Morgana, “’Er...?’ he said, trying to think where he knew her from. ‘Sorry, are you talking to me?’ ‘He doesn't, does he? There'd have been even more bitching and whining if he did,’ she said, decisively. ‘Oh, this is going to be good.’” Get it? Because Arthur’s homophobia is such a hilarious joke and it’s going to be SO LAUGHABLE when he finds out his roommate is gay.

Merlin goes out for coffee with Morgana, who I do like in this fic minus her laughing at Merlin’s sexual orientation in the previous scene. Morgana asks Merlin if he is in to Arthur. “He's an insufferable, rude, arrogant, overprivileged berk, and I wouldn't suck his cock if he was the last man on earth and he was paying me, so there!” Me thinks the man doth protest too much.

“Fine. We won't talk about how much you want to get into my cousin's royal boxer shorts. So – magic!” Morgana gives no fucks. I like that about her. Merlin freaks out because you can’t just go talking about magic all willy nilly like that. Merlin insists on calling magic “macramé,” but Morgana is having none of it. They decided that their cover story for being so familiar with one another is that they have played World of Warcraft for years and are finally meeting in person. Sure. We also learn that Morgana is studying Art History. Good job, Morgana. That is also a subject that St. Andrews provides.

“’Now then – word on the street is that you might actually be worthy of that remarkable name.’ She took a long, thoughtful drag, and Merlin watched blue curls of smoke snake out of her nostrils like she was some kind of very small, elegant dragon. ‘Is it true that you changed the seasons?’ she asked. ‘No!’ Merlin said. ‘Or at least – well, not on purpose.’” Yikes, Merlin. I guess Merlin was 10 and throwing a tantrum about cherries not being in season so he changed the season from winter to summer. He also summoned a kracken when he was 12 years old on a school field trip. Poor Hunith having to deal with Merlin. He sounds like an insufferable child.

They then proceed to get drunk and Morgana becomes Merlin’s Academic Mother thingy. Merlin gets Morgana to be Gwen’s as well.

Chapter 5

Merlin gets back to his dorm and Arthur is there. Arthur apologizes to Merlin and suggests they start over. Arthur then realizes that Merlin is drunk. Merlin drunkenly tells Arthur that he is friends with Morgana and they were drinking together and that she is now Merlin’s Academic Mother. Turns out she is also Arthur’s. Who didn’t see that one coming? Arthur admits that he looked Merlin up and knows a lot of stuff about him. Merlin says stuff he shouldn’t say, basically admitting he is a sorcerer and he finds Arthur hot and Arthur doesn’t pick up on any of it. Arthur is stupid.

Merlin starts to fall asleep on the floor and Arthur can’t have that, for platonic friend reasons, and so he gets Merlin into bed and decides to help him drink water and take some pain killers. “There was an uncertain space of time, and then Merlin was being manhandled upright by someone warm and shirtless, who smelled good. Merlin knew he smelled good because he was slumped bonelessly with his nose pressed into the hollow of a freshly-washed collarbone. Because it seemed like a good idea, he licked it, and made a small appreciative sound, and then tried a gentle bite. The owner of the collarbone gave a startled hiss, and flinched away, but didn't drop him; and the voice, when it came again, was decidedly hoarse.”

See, Arthur is fucking stupid. If a friend/someone I wasn’t into randomly bit and licked my chest, drunk or not, I would be like, “yo, that’s not cool.” Because that’s not something someone does with their platonic friend.

When Merlin wakes up, “Another thought wandered idly through his brain, and he was faintly aware that it was significant: he wasn't alone. He was, in fact, wrapped around somebody else in the manner of an affectionate baby octopus, one leg tangled between theirs, one arm hooked firmly around a neat naked waist and his mouth pressed damply into the warm, soft-sharp curve of a shoulder blade.” Arthur is awake too, “Do you have any idea of how much fun and frivolity I could have been having last night, while you were busy cutting off the circulation in my limbs? I'll have you know I was going to have a fantastic evening.”

Umm… you made the choice to stay behind and spend the night cuddling your roommate, Arthur. You could have shoved him over if you wanted to.

Merlin and Arthur go get breakfast together. Merlin texts Gwen to tell her about Morgana being their Academic Mother and that she is also Arthur’s. Gwen freaks the fuck out.

That’s it for this review. It’s a decent set-up to the fic. We get to know a little bit about Merlin and how powerful he is. We also have a rough start to the Arthur/Merlin friendship but then it’s nice to see Arthur actually own up to his shit and apologize to Merlin. Arthur is stupid for not realizing how into him Merlin is. Gwen and Lance have been pretty annoying so far and if I remember correctly, they continue to be insufferable for the majority of this fic because their “will they won’t they” cliché set-up is stupid.

Until next time

#merlin #bbc merlin #merlin fic #review #the student prince #modern royalty au #Merlin has magic #arthur is dumb #gwen and lance are annoying

[merlinficreview]

But It’s A Good Refrain Review!

But It’s a Good Refrain by lady_ragnell

Word Count: 23090

Alright friends, enemies and others. I decided to use this for the next review because it’s got a fairly high number of hits. I thought about doing The Student Prince next, but since I just finished reviewing a Modern Royalty AU, I thought I would do something else first. I’ve never read this fic but it sounded vaguely interesting.

The fic opens with Arthur trying to change the radio channel from some girl calling into a talk show to complain about her boyfriend. Morgana refuses to let him change the channel. “’He isn’t torturing them,’ Morgana snaps. Arthur is especially sorry that he chose to drive down with her when she’s in an even worse mood than usual due to their father refusing to donate to the charity she runs. ‘He’s listening. Something that you obviously don’t know how to understand or do, but this show really helps people.’”

Put him in his place, Morgana! Also LOL Holy First World Problems, Batman. Did you catch exactly what Morgana was pissed about? Her dad not donating to the charity she wanted him to. I mean, I guess I get it if he was donating to Republicans or something else terrible like that, but the fic doesn’t imply that it was for anything other than small animals or children. Get over it, Morgana, someone who needed that money still got it.

Anyways, Arthur tells Morgana that talk shows like that are all scripted and fake. “’He is not a fake, and I know that because—‘ Morgana stops, cheeks going pink.” Oop. Busted.

“You have! You called Dragon’s Lonely Hearts like the Billy No-Mates you are.” Damn, Arthur. Not only are you making fun of her for calling a radio show for help, you’re saying she has no friends? Harsh. Morgana says that he helped her after a bad breakup. Good. You do you, Morgana, Your brother is the worst.

“’Well, I suppose they aren’t paying him or anything,’ Arthur allows. ‘My God, you’re mercenary. I always forget that about you.’ He just raises his eyebrows, since Morgana is the one who spends her life putting a bottom line on everything, even if it is for pandas or irrigation or whatever the hell her catchall charity is supporting this week.” An irrigation charity? Ok. Sure. If I were Uther, I wouldn’t have donated to that one either. And why wouldn’t Merlin (let’s all be real honest, we know it’s Merlin) be getting paid?

Then Morgana makes fun of Arthur for not being able to hold a relationship for more than three months. Pendragon Siblings, man.

So Morgana brings up Dragon’s Lonely Hearts while out at the pub and everyone except Arthur listens to the show, which Arthur is super bitter about. Arthur is even annoyed that his girlfriend listens to it.

Let her do what she wants, Arthur.

“(The breakup with Vivian four days later, incidentally, has nothing to do with this discussion, no matter what Morgana claims. It has everything to do, however, with Vivian’s habit of telling him what sort of ring she wants and leaving wedding magazines around his flat.)” I mean, I can’t fault Arthur for not wanting to propose to his girlfriend of three months. Yikes. That warrants a discussion first rather than a breakup though. “Hey man, I’m super uncomfortable with all these marriage hints you have been dropping. We’ve only been together a few months and I’m not ready for that step.” Done.

So then Uther asks Arthur if he should do commercials for the radio show. “Arthur firmly puts paid to that idea, since he suspects the audience of Dragon’s Lonely Hearts is quite liberal and wouldn’t appreciate Uther’s philosophies.” Told you Uther was Republican.

“The rest of it he finds out when he and Mithian go out for lunch and she cheerfully slips in a story about a friend of hers who got set up on a date through the show and how her boyfriend proposed this past weekend. ‘You should put your name in,’ she says, probably just because she knows it annoys him.” Damn the whole world listens to this show.

Mithian suggests that Arthur try speed dating, which Arthur shoots down ASAP. I don’t blame him. “When he does, she makes a great point of changing the subject, and Arthur assumes that’s all he’ll hear about Dragon’s Lonely Hearts for a while, that it’s one of those odd things that seems like it’s everywhere for a few weeks before fading into obscurity again, like the time when all of his friends ended up talking to him about ducks completely by chance within the same week.” Can we please get all these random conversations about ducks? This is cracking me up for some reason.

The next scene is two weeks later. Arthur is at the gym and you guessed it, Dragon’s Lonely Hearts is playing on the radio there. Vivian is calling in and bitching about Arthur.

Good.

“Well. It sounds like the Dragon takes a deep breath from the crackle of the speakers. You sound like an intelligent woman, Viv, so you know this already, but I’ll say it anyway: if someone doesn’t change their previous behavior, then they’ll never change the way their relationships end. This bloke—Arthur, right? This bloke clearly has a pattern that’s working for him, and if he’s doing things the same way he’s always done, then sure as anything, he’ll end it the way he’s always done as well.”

Go in, Merlin! Obviously Arthur can’t have that, so he leaves the gym to go call the show and will undoubtedly prove Merlin right. The thing that is most interesting to me is that Arthur seems mostly offended that he has being trash talked on a show that his sister is probably listening to. He specifically thinks about that. That’s weird to me. Be more concerned about your boss or coworkers hearing this, Arthur.

“When he does check his phone, after a few deep breaths and a swig out of a bottle of cider, he’s got texts from nearly all of his friends. He only bothers reading Morgana’s, since hers is undoubtedly going to be the worst, and puts up with having to scoll down several times through all the HAHAHA to get to I could almost feel sorry for you if it weren’t true.” See? I would be more worried about a coworker texting me, “umm is this you they are talking about on this show?” Or my boss. How embarrassing.

Mithian calls Arthur and tells him to turn on the radio because Merlin is taking a call from a woman who is specifically calling in about men like Arthur. “’A woman called in to talk about men like you,’ she says, but under it he hears —and I have never met a man like that who wasn’t a terrible user in some strange woman’s voice.

Neither have I, to be honest, says the Dragon, laughing a little, putting Arthur’s hackles right up. I do always have to keep in mind that I’m only hearing one side of the story, but someone who breaks up after three months nearly every time, who usually only dates his friends … well, that’s a sign of someone just looking for convenience, really, not love.”

Damn straight. Read him, Merlin.

So then Arthur decides to call in to the radio show, for reals this time. I mean… I would be fairly embarrassed and humiliated too. “A cheerful woman answers the phone. ‘You’ve reached Dragon’s Lonely Hearts, can I get your name please?’ ‘Arthur,’ he says as calmly as he can manage. There’s a pause. ‘Oh, shit,’ she says quietly, and then in a much less cheerful and more timid voice she says ‘Are you going to sue us?’” LOL I like her. Keeping the important stuff in mind.

“’I am not. But I would like to say that I don’t appreciate my friends texting me to let me know that people are talking about me on a radio show and making assumptions about my character that I can’t defend against.’ Another pause, and then the woman says brightly ‘I’ll put you through!’ in a tone that Arthur recognizes from the workplace, that of someone who doesn’t want to deal with whatever problem’s been dumped in her lap, and suddenly he’s hearing what must be the end of the song playing on the radio and someone counting down quietly to prepare to go on the air.” I have 100% used that annoying, “OK then! I’ll get the manager!” cheerful voice to get rid of someone insufferable before. I like this person and hope she sticks around.

So Arthur is put on the air and complains about all his friends making fun of him. Merlin asks him to share his side of the story but Arthur won’t. I don’t know what Arthur was expecting to happen then. “There’s very little to say about the other side of the story, I’m afraid. I get in relationships that I believe will work out, and if they don’t seem to be satisfying both of us I end them.”

How romantic…

Merlin tells Arthur that’s not why you date people. “You have no right to sit in a studio and judge people you’ve never met and who don’t ask for your advice. You know nothing about me and you aren’t saying anything you couldn’t get out of a university counseling textbook or a romantic film, so I’m going to guess you don’t know much about love either.” Arthur. You called HIM. Stop. Merlin then basically hangs up on him. Good.

The next morning, Morgana angrily knocks on Arthur’s door. “’You’ve got a fucking key!’ he yells anyway…” I don’t know why this is cracking me up so much but it is. Morgana refuses to use her key. She says it’s because she’s too mad. I guess.

Morgana says she knows Arthur feels bad about being a shitty person towards Merlin and asks what he’s going to do about it. Which is… strange? I mean if I were in Arthur’s position, I would just let the guilt gnaw away at me until it dissipated over time and I no longer had the compulsion to think about it every ten seconds and it became a distant, though embarrassing memory that I just think about occasionally. I could call the show and apologize if I were in this situation but let’s be honest, I wouldn’t. Letting things fester is basically my go to response for everything.

I guess I need to work on some things.

Morgana suggests that Arthur write Merlin a letter to apologize. “Don’t say maybe, Arthur, you’ll waffle long enough to talk yourself out of it, and you hit a button last night. I’ve listened to this show a lot, and people have been awful to him, but I’ve never heard him lose his cool like that. This matters.” I do that “well maybe I’ll do this” waffling thing too.

WHY AM I IDENTIFYING WITH ARTHUR? I AM NOT OK WITH THIS TURN OF EVENTS.

And of course no one pushes Merlin’s buttons like Arthur! Even anonymously!

“He puts the toast down a second time automatically because his toaster never manages it right the first time and turns around to watch her, because she’s obviously got something else on her mind. Sure enough, the coffee isn’t even ready before she speaks again. ‘Now that that’s over with, are you okay?’” That’s sweet of Morgana and everything but let’s talk about this toast situation. If your toast isn’t heating up well enough… why don’t you just turn it up higher? If it’s at this highest level and not working, you need to get a new toaster. Or just enjoy your bread and quit bitching.

“’I don’t know why any of them are still friends with me.’ She raises her eyebrows and he turns around to butter their toast as the coffeemaker goes off and she starts pouring. ‘You I understand, since I never actually dated you, thank God, Uther would have had a heart attack when he found out, but the rest of them? As last night illuminated so clearly, I’m not a very good boyfriend, and after Leon and Elena, Percival and Mithian had to know …’”

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. WAIT. I need a second here.

Why is Arthur’s go to explanation for why he and his sister still hang out because he never dated her and not because she’s his SISTER? And why is the thing Arthur fixates on in this hypothetical about how Uther would freak out about him dating his sister and not you know, ARTHUR DATING HIS SISTER? Why did Arthur even say that sentence in the first place? Why is this even a hypothetical that needs voiced? I’m starting to think that the reason Arthur’s relationships fail is because he has repressed feelings for his sister.

For some extremely baffling reason, Morgana has no comment about their dating hypothetical and just tells him they are going for a walk and he is going to buy her something for annoying her. What? Just. WHAT?

Sometime later, Merlin receives Arthur’s letter and accepts his apology live on the radio. The next day, Arthur is working and Mithian calls to inform him that Arthur’s apology letter is all over the fan sites for Merlin’s show.

So the next Friday, Arthur is once again at the gym and Merlin’s show is playing. Merlin says they’ve been getting a lot of mail about Arthur’s letter (he still doesn’t specify who it’s from). “Maybe I should be deliberately mysterious more often, if it gets my fans so excited. Maybe then I’ll get more listeners and they’ll give me more money. Right, then, I’ll cop to it, the apology was from a man who’d asked me out and now we’re making mad passionate love when I’m not on air.” Arthur starts worrying about how his friends are going to respond to this.

“Congrats on your radio boyfriend. Cannot decide if that is more or less lame than having an internet boyfriend, Percival has sent, because everyone thinks he’s an adorable gentle giant but he has a mean streak.”

It’s funny because you would never expect that from Percival.

The next week, Arthur leaves work early and goes to hang out at a café and drink coffee where Elena finds him. Because all of Arthur’s friends are creepy stalkers and far too invested in his life. She pulls up a bunch of personal ads from fans of Merlin’s show (and now Arthur, apparently) who are taking out ads to find him. Wtf? Be creepier, people.

I want to point out this though: “’So, I was looking through the personals this morning—‘ ‘Oh God, Ellie, no. I won’t date anyone who wrote to the paper, and neither will you, I thought you learned your lesson after Craigslist.’” Personal tip from me to you, never date someone you find on Craigslist. You will get murdered. The end. 

“’You have got to be kidding me,’ he mutters. ‘Morgana is behind this somehow.’ Elena eyes him. ‘You are extremely paranoid where Morgana is concerned, you know.’” I was just thinking the exact same thing, Elena. Arthur is way too obsessed with his sister. Stop it.

“’I don’t know what this is all about, since the Dragon made it quite clear that nothing was going on, but it’s getting ridiculous, and I suspect I’m going to have to lecture all of you so you won’t turn me in.’ ‘Turn you in.’ Elena snorts. ‘It’s not as if you’ve committed murder, but I wasn’t going to call in and say “oh, I know this upstanding gent, you wouldn’t happen to want to meet him for a drink, would you?”or anything else like that, because I’m not stupid.’” LOL I love Elena in this.

Elena decides to start googling stuff about this extremely odd but entertaining drama. “All sorts of threads theorizing about who the upstanding gent is, that seems to be the favorite for you rather than Mr. Right for Now, apparently the Dragon’s used that phrase quite a bit with some of his callers and this distinguishes you.” Either Merlin has a crush on Arthur for no reason or he knows exactly what’s going to get him more fans and is exploiting it.

“The prevailing theory seems to be that he isn’t dating you, but he’d like to, and that’s why all the adverts are in the papers, they think they’re doing him a favor, or that it’s like the whole Sherlock thing. Can’t figure out if it’s a show of support or an attempt to deliver you on a silver platter, though.” 

“’The silver platter, definitely,’ he tells his palms. ‘Morgana, remember? She’d like to serve me up roasted with an apple in my mouth.’” Stop being weird and paranoid about your sister, Arthur. It’s not normal.

“’Maybe Mithian and I can start making a scrapbook of all this, we’ll take it out at your wedding and talk about that time you had an imaginary romance with a radio host.’ Arthur manages a smile. ‘And who exactly, in this fantasy of yours, am I marrying? I’m on a bit of a hiatus after Vivian, if you hadn’t noticed.’ Elena grins in return. ‘Oh, maybe you’ll marry the Dragon, then it can be the scrapbook of the story of your relationship.’ ‘Never going to happen. Even if, by some freak of chance, we were to meet and not want to kill each other, I would never date him—and, more to the point, he would never date me.’”

Arthur is hanging out at his flat listening to Merlin’s show the next Friday. The show is about cheating and a couple of callers bring up Arthur, aka, “Upstanding Gent.” Merlin mentions a couple of times that he and Arthur have never even met but his callers are having none of it. One of the callers mentions his girlfriend possibly cheating on him with a celebrity. He uses a hypothetical of it being Benedict Cumberbatch. “Arthur snorts, since his friends are always teasing him for his crush on Sherlock Holmes, and waits to hear how the Dragon reacts.” I really just wanted to point this out since sometimes, Colin Morgan looks like he could be Benedict Cumberbatch’s sexy, hot younger brother and Merlin is clearly Dragon in this and Colin Morgan played Merlin.

I could go on.

Um. Anyways.

You are not subtle, Author.

Then again, neither am I.

What were we talking about? Oh right.

When the show ends, Merlin apologizes to Arthur on air for his creepy ass fans. Arthur then sends an email to the radio station. When Merlin responds, he assumes it’s another creepy fan since he’s gotten other similar emails. Arthur tells him it’s really Arthur emailing. Then Merlin responds with, “Oh, shit. You aren’t writing to say you’re going to sue or something, are you? This really isn’t something I thought would get this out of control.” I love how worried everyone working at this radio station is about getting sued. Arthur responds and says he won’t sue, but just wanted to share that his friends are making fun of him too, for the whole situation.

Arthur meets Mithian with Elena, who has a new boyfriend. “So what do you think it will be this time?” Arthur asks as Mithian takes a sip from her drink. “Wife locked in the attic, Elena looks just like his mum …” This actually made me laugh. Poor Elena. She must be super unlucky in love, damn. Mithian has a different theory, “’Neither. He’s a free spirit, she can’t expect commitment because nothing can hold him down. Possibly with the added bonus of borrowing money from her.’ ‘I’ll buy the free spirit, but not the borrowing money. Leather is expensive.’ ‘I don’t really want to ask how you know that.’ ‘I’m Morgana’s brother, so no, you don’t.’” What the hell does Morgana have to do with this conversation about leather? Arthur seriously can’t go five minutes without talking about his sister. It’s so weird.

Arthur tells Mithian he emailed the radio show and that Merlin hasn’t responded yet and Mithian is suspicious that Arthur also has a secret crush on Merlin and that’s why he’s not trying to hit on anyone during Elena’s date. Ok. “Or only related insofar as perhaps he might have been right when he called me out on dating for convenience and that I should wait for someone I can’t be logical about—and again, if you tell Morgana, I’m going to have to kill you.”  So he is accidentally taking Merlin’s original advice. Good job, Arthur.

Over the weeks, Merlin and Arthur keep emailing a little back and forth. “He listens to parts of the show whenever he happens to be in his flat while it’s airing, though he misses quite a few because Elena’s boyfriend is into clubbing and she doesn’t like going alone to meet him.” Good job, Elena! Not meeting strange men alone. Proud of you, etc. I’m also happy that Arthur and their other friends don’t seem to have any sort of problem hanging out with Elena on her dates. Though she really shouldn’t be dating someone she feels uncomfortable being alone with after a certain point.

Anyways, Cenred ends up being shitty to Elena and dumps her after they have sex. That Friday, Elena calls into Merlin’s show. Arthur starts freaking out because he is obviously listening. Elena tells Merlin she seems to always get asshole men and Merlin says he used to be like that. Then there’s secondhand embarrassment when Elena starts talking about her friends. “Oh, they definitely are. They are fine, upstanding people. Arthur is going to kill her. And Morgana, because he recognizes the muffled giggle in the background.” Merlin ignores that subtle hint and gets Elena to tell listeners about herself so he can set her up. Then, “And like I said, she winds up, I have lovely friends, if you date me you’ll probably spend quite a bit of time with them. Yes, the upstanding ones, says M, and Arthur already knows this is going to be one of the calls mentioned in their e-mail later. I know him, you know, Elena adds in a conspiratorial whisper, and either Morgana is prodding her to do it or he’s misjudged her level of cruelty.” Oh god. How embarrassing.

A couple of men call for Elena including: “Hello, Ellie, I’m Gwaine, comes the new voice when M asks for the next caller, a bit rough and Irish. Oh, shit, M whispers, but covers it over so quickly Arthur thinks he might have imagined it. Good evening, Gwaine, welcome to Dragon’s Lonely Hearts, and what makes you want to date our lovely Elena?” So hopefully he isn’t one of the people who has cheated on Merlin.

Merlin emails Arthur and asks if Elena is really his friend and Arthur says she is. Then Merlin says that Gwaine is his friend. So not an ex-cheater boyfriend. That’s good news.

The night Gwaine and Elena go in their date, Elena won’t let any of them go with her. “(Arthur’s on duty, though, and she’ll call if things do go wrong, so he feels better about leaving her than he would otherwise).” That’s a good friend, guys. Seriously.

Of course Arthur is listening to Merlin’s show and a woman is complaining about how you can’t meet people who are boyfriend material at clubs. “So maybe the club scene isn’t your place for doing that. My upstanding gent hates picking people up at clubs, it’s all a matter of where you feel most comfortable, like I said.” Merlin then emails Arthur right away to apologize for that slip. How do you “accidentally’ slip something like that about someone you aren’t dating or interesting in dating? That’s weird. Merlin has to know what saying that will do to all the creepy fans.

Elena and Gwaine have started dating and during dinner with Arthur, Elena talks about Gwaine and mentions his friends and Merlin’s name. Arthur emails Merlin later and lets him know he knows his real name. “Thanks for telling me. I don’t mind—I figured when Gwaine called in that we’re going to meet someday, and he’s been teasing me about you. I trust you not to tell the whole world you know the Dragon, so it’s fine. It really is. You keep reacting like you expect me to hate you and I don’t, I promise. There are a few lines of space, and then the signoff—this time it says Merlin instead of M. Arthur spends the whole time he’s getting ready for bed smiling.” Aww.

Morgana shows up the next Friday to drag Arthur out to the club with her and she figures out that he’s been talking to Merlin. When they get to the club, Elena introduces everyone to Gwaine. “’Gwen’s just got strange work hours sometimes, but yeah, Merlin’s a psychology student during the weeks.’ Mithian raises her eyebrows. ‘Graduate work?’ That shuts Gwaine’s face right down. ‘No, he’s almost graduated, though. He had a bit of a gap after A-levels, is all.’ Arthur thinks of Merlin mentioning a husband that first night they argued on the radio and decides he doesn’t want to hear any more of that from Gwaine.” Poor Merlin. I don’t remember him mentioning being married before though.

After some investigating, called scrolling back up to that part of the fic, Merlin did on the sly mention being married during their fight. I don’t know how I missed that.

When they leave the club, Gwaine gives Arthur Merlin’s number per Merlin’s request. Arthur then texts Merlin and Merlin tells Arthur he was fending calls about Arthur all evening. There’s some cute banter. The next show Merlin does, Arthur is listening, (obviously) and someone brings up Arthur during their call in, “I imagine it’s how your upstanding gent must feel. First he apologizes, then you claim you aren’t in contact, now you know all about his opinions on everything, the poor thing must be confused. Honestly, if he weren’t the man of my bloody dreams I’d be done by now.” Arthur texts Merlin that he isn’t confused and Merlin tells that to the caller.

Then there’s some cuteness with Arthur texting Merlin every time a caller mentions him. “You should just call in, Merlin sends at the end of the night. It would save me having to play translation service.

You underestimate your fans. They’d recognize my voice and call en masse to tell you to stay away from me.

You apologized.

They’re less forgiving than you are, I would imagine. I was awful that night.

There’s a pause. You aren’t awful now. Before Arthur can begin to think of a way to respond to that, another message comes through. Gwen’s scolding me for not paying attention and I’ve got to get home. Go to bed, Arthur.”

“Shit shit shit, he texts Mithian, without really expecting an answer, and puts down his phone for the night.” I had to space it all out because there’s no quotations and I didn’t want it to be confusing as to who was talking. It’s pretty cute and the correct way to write this sort of banter. I know I’ve read quite a few fics where authors will try to replicate the banter Arthur and Merlin have on the show and it never works because almost every single one I’ve read has had it basically just being Arthur emotionally abusing Merlin and Merlin putting up with it. This is also a good way for Arthur to bring up that he was indeed an asshole at first and for Merlin to point out that he apologized and that he’s nice to him now. That never really happens in other fics.

Elena and Gwaine make plans for Gwaine and Elena’s friends to all meet. Merlin and Arthur reassure each other they are ready to meet.

“Arthur runs into Mithian on his way to Elena’s favorite diner, and she immediately stops him, suppressing a smile. ‘You can’t wear a tie to eat chicken and terrible chips, Arthur, even if your Merlin is going to be there. Come here.’ ‘He’s not my anything,’ Arthur argues, but he lets Mithian tow him forward to unknot his tie and unbutton the top button on his shirt. ‘Oh, but you’re his upstanding gent, aren’t you?’ She stows his tie in her handbag. ‘Are you going to be okay?’” Mithian is a good friend. She checks on Arthur a lot like this in the fic but it’s not pushy and overbearing like in a lot of fics I’ve read. It’s sweet.

Merlin and Arthur FINALLY meet. “Merlin smiles, and Arthur’s imagined him looking like many things, but never this. He may not be Arthur’s usual type, but … he brushes his hand against Arthur’s wrist under the table. ‘So how are we handling this?’” Good job, Merlin, not making this about you and asking Arthur what he wants.

When they are all introducing themselves a little later, Merlin says he hosts a radio show on the weekends. It doesn’t take long for everyone to figure it out and they are all equally surprised.

After dinner, Arthur and Merlin hightail it out of there and go for a walk. Merlin tells Arthur to stop freaking out. Arthur asks Merlin why he isn’t freaking out too. “’That’s because I have had some really terrible dates in my time,’ Merlin says once they’ve got properly started. ‘I’m like Elena being an arsehole magnet, remember? You being shy doesn’t even make my top twenty worst dates.’ Arthur can’t help objecting to that. ‘I’m not shy! I’m just … adjusting to the change.’ ‘You spent half of dinner looking like I was outraging your maiden virtue.’” That actually made me laugh.

“’I was afraid I was going to have to piss you off properly before you’d loosen up. Look, I know this is awful, first-date chemistry alongside month-of-dating knowing each other, but we’re going to have to soldier on.’ ‘A month of dating?’” I am as confused is Arthur here. Texting someone you have never met in person isn’t dating, Merlin.

“’Now that we’re … doing whatever it is we’re doing, you should mention it on air. Or not, actually, I feel like you’d be responsible for half your fans ending up in A&E with heart palpitations.’ ‘Doing whatever we’re doing?’ Merlin grins. ‘Dating, I think, unless you have any particular objections. Maybe in a while we can slap the boyfriend label on it.’”

I probably wouldn’t bring the fans into it though. They are weird enough about Merlin and his Upstanding Gent. They kiss and Arthur tells Merlin he won’t be inviting Merlin home because he has to work in the morning.

“’You’re sort of a prince,” he says quietly. ‘And I’ll let you out of dragging me to your flat, which is probably much larger and neater than mine, as long as you promise to call me soon.’ ‘We’ll be talking on Friday for your show, anyway.’ ‘Before then.’ Merlin finally straightens up and it occurs to Arthur that even if they aren’t still kissing they’ve managed to get tangled up. He unwraps his arms from Merlin’s waist and lets Merlin catch his hand before they can get too far apart. ‘I’m liable to pine, otherwise.’ ‘You could always call me,’ Arthur points out.” So I like this because I like Arthur going against this fandom’s ridiculous notion that Arthur is the MAN and must do all the MANLY things like calling Merlin first.

Sometime later, Arthur is Merlin’s special guest on his radio show. Arthur eventually falls asleep during the show because Merlin’s on in the middle of the night. “He isn’t aware of much else until he hears Merlin saying ‘—five minutes left, and as some of you might have noticed, my upstanding gent has been quiet for a while now. This is because he’s fallen asleep, the daft thing, but I suppose that’s what comes of being a businessman by day. So, since it’s been a special show—and I’ll bet you’re all hoping I can talk him into coming in again every once in a while—I’ll sign off for the night with one last song for him. Thank you all for listening, as always, and this is the Dragon saying good night to you. I’ll be back again next Friday at ten.’”

Then, “Arthur drags him down into his lap instead. ‘Am I a prisoner?’ Merlin inquires. ‘Absolutely. Until I can bring myself to move, at least.’ He stretches his neck out and lets Merlin nuzzle at his hair even though Gwen is watching and looking like she wants to lunge for her camera phone.”

Fucking cute. Even with Gwen being a voyeur in the background. Merlin invites Arthur to spend the night. The end.

So I really liked this fic. It’s definitely the best one I’ve reviewed so far and probably even fairly high on my list of fics that I like in general. No drama for drama’s sake, it’s pretty well written and characters react and behave in realistic ways. It’s an interesting plot and stays entertaining throughout the story. The only thing I wish we had more information on was Merlin’s previous husband but, it’s not handled in a way, the few times it’s brought up, that makes me feel like the story is incomplete without us knowing what happened. I was also concerned about Arthur’s weird obsession with Morgana. I found Merlin and Arthur are pretty cute too, which is rare for me. I like that Merlin and Arthur had some flirtatious banter that wasn’t Arthur just being emotionally abusive towards Merlin. I also like that Arthur’s bad behavior towards Merlin in the beginning was handled well and in a believable way. A lot of the time, I find Arthur’s attitude and behavior towards Merlin way over the top and then Merlin’s subsequent accepting of Arthur’s non-apologies and terrible behavior toward him just stupid and unrealistic. It’s not like that in this fic, which I really appreciate. I wish more fics had this Merlin/Arthur dynamic.

Seriously.

Until next time:

#merlin #bbc merlin #merlin fic #review #lady_ragnell #no drama for drama's sake #merlin is a radio host #he's actually good at it #arthur is lovable but misguided #and oddly obsessed with his sister #seriously it's weird #other than that I really like this one #standing ovation #Juliet Approves #merlin and arthur are actually cute #lots of Colin Morgan photos/gifs in this one #sorry not sorry

[merlinficreview]

Broken Chemistry (part six)

Oh boy, more of this. On the bright side, we make it past the halfway point of the story with this review, which means this will all be over eventually. All right, enough stalling. Let’s do this.

This chapter opens to our boys being the best of platonic friends by spooning on Merlin’s bed for no apparent reason: “Arthur’s body tightened around [Merlin], pressing him into the mattress much as he had when Merlin had to wake him up for their flight.” Just best buddy bro pals, guys. Happens all the time. Nothing to see here.

Seriously, though, these two need to just start fucking and get it over with already. This insistence on just being friends even though they obviously want to shove their hands down each other’s pants got old real fast. It’s not sexual tension at this point; it’s just annoying.

It turns out that Arthur never went to bed last night because daddy dearest found out that he was AWOL and I guess chewed him out over the phone or something. Merlin bitches at Arthur for coming into his room to sleep there instead of going to his own room (I agree, Merlin, this is bullshit on Arthur’s part), and Arthur shuts him up by putting his hand over Merlin’s mouth before promptly falling asleep. It’s juvenile and shows a complete disregard for Merlin’s personal space, which is typical Arthur in this fic, I guess. Merlin gives it up as a lost cause and goes back to sleep himself.

They wake up to Merlin’s phone going off and both of them roll off the bed. For comedy reasons, I guess. Turns out they slept through the entire morning (don’t they have work to do for this bullshit internship?) and Gwaine is the one calling. Arthur wanders away mad to go get dressed, and Merlin answers the phone to get the following greeting: “MERLIN! Have you been thoroughly ravished, yet?”

…okay. Gwaine puts Merlin on speaker phone so he can talk to Lancel and Morgana, who are also there. They briefly joke about Arthur and Merlin sleeping together before moving on to other topics, like how the internship is going (it apparently hasn’t started yet, which is stupid, since they had their orientation thing already) and Gwaine’s video that he’s making for some reason (I guess that’s why he was filming them getting ready before that last party? I don’t know or care).

Merlin tells them about the apartment before talk turns to the lovely Freya and Mithian. Gwaine gets cartoonishly upset (allcaps and all) about Arthur leading Merlin on or something before Morgana shuts him up and Merlin starts talking about Arthur’s little sleepover on Merlin’s bed. Him flopping all over Merlin is apparently some sort of big breakthrough according to Lancel, because “As long as he and Gwen were together, she never managed to break through his armor. Instead of seeking an outlet or venting, he bottled it up. It seems you’ve found a way in.” Guys, I don’t think Arthur being overly physical with Merlin for no good reason means that he’s showing vulnerability. I think it just means he’s a dick with no sense of Merlin’s personal space, and Merlin is too much of a pushover to do anything about it.

Arthur comes back, and he chats with the group while Merlin goes and gets ready for the day himself, including this: “Merlin sniffed his own shirt, and left it, as well as Arthur’s scent, on his body.”

Gross. Nothing about body odor is cute, and keeping on the shirt you slept in because it smells like your boyfriend’s B.O. is nasty. He goes to the kitchen to get started on making “their midday breakfast” which honestly confused me for a moment when I read it because Merlin specifically says earlier in this chapter that he and Arthur got up at two. 2pm is not midday. That’s squarely in the “afternoon” category. Midday to me is noon, maybe stretching an hour in either direction. This is probably nitpicky on my part, but whatever. Confusing shit is still confusing.

And speaking of confusing, we get some really strange dialogue following this, and I keep getting the impression that these people are just talking at each other rather than with each other:

“’Oh shut it! Merlin, keep your eyes on him. One minute he’s boiling water and the next the fireman’s asking how he managed to burn water.’

His giggles caught when Arthur yanked him against his body to be in the frame. He blushed against the smirks his friends cast them. ’My smoothies will always be better than yours, sister,’ Arthur shot back.

Morgana tossed her hair over her shoulder. ‘Yes, because it takes such brilliance to pulverize fruit. I thought you were a chemist?’

Merlin provided, ‘His chemistry’s fine. It’s the art of cooking he can’t fathom.’

Arthur shook his head in resignation. ‘Fortunately I have a residential artist.’ Merlin’s shoulder lifted as Arthur hugged him closer.”

I don’t know if it’s just me, but most of the dialogue in this feels so disjointed. I guess this is supposed to be witty banter, but it just feels awkward and like these characters are barely on the same wavelength.

Their thoughts hardly connect and it feels more like they’re talking to themselves rather than another person. And Arthur is really into smoothies, I guess, because that’s really the only food he talks about besides steak in this fic. It’s quite annoying. I also don’t understand why Morgana is calling Arthur a chemist here. I thought Merlin was the bullshit chemist for this stupid trip along with Freya. And regardless of whether she’s referring to Arthur or Merlin as the “chemist,” taking one chemistry class where you do no actual chemistry does not a chemist make, sorry. I also thought this was a phone call, not skype or some other form of video call, which I assumed was why they kept talking about putting people on speaker. You don’t put video calls on speaker. I have no idea how Gwaine, Morgana, and Lancel can see Merlin and Arthur, which is why Arthur’s manhandling of Merlin in this scene is more uncomfortable than usual. There’s no “frame” for Merlin to be in, so there’s no reason for Merlin and Arthur to be super close like this. Were they facetiming this whole time? I’m so confused.

Anyway, everyone says their goodbyes and since Arthur and Merlin have nothing better to do with their time because this whole internship thing is just an excuse for these two to take a vacation together, they decide to go to the beach. Arthur makes smoothies (of course), and we get treated to some more digging around in the thesaurus from SCD07 because when Arthur gets all of whatever ingredients he’s using for smoothies into the blender, “They both grimaced at the onslaught of cacophony the device caused.” That’s not how you use those words, dear. That sentence makes no sense whatsoever.

Arthur gets upset that Merlin isn’t wearing shorts to the beach for some reason, so he rummages around in Merlin’s underwear until he finds a pair of briefs and a pair of boxers, telling Merlin to wear the briefs as underwear and the boxers as shorts. He doesn’t need you dictating what he wears, Arthur. It’s not like someone will die because he’s wearing jeans. And this kind of controlling behavior? Not cute. At all. Merlin feels self-conscious around Arthur once his legs are bare because Arthur’s all tan and buff while Merlin is all pale and skinny and delicate (ugh). They put on sunscreen: “it took Merlin several minutes just to rub it into one leg well enough so he didn’t look like a tribal painted figure.” Not the best word choice there. Between that, the all black people look the same bit, and the implication that Merlin could only have eaten lotus roots while visiting Asia in previous chapters (because where else would one eat such strange, ~exotic~ food?), we’re not doing so hot on the whole race and stereotyping thing. Might want to work on that.

Merlin decides to keep his shirt on, which makes Arthur curious about those scars again. Just leave it alone, dude. He’ll tell you about it when he’s ready. Arthur gets lost in the lull of the beach and doesn’t realize Merlin has wandered off until he tries to get Merlin to eat some of the food they brought along. Merlin apparently only drank his smoothie before calling it quits. Sigh. Pretty much everything having to do with food in this fic really makes me uncomfortable because Merlin continually refuses to eat much of anything, and when he gives a reason for it, it’s either bullshit (mono) or an excuse that sounds like it came straight from a list of warning signs for an eating disorder. It’s really frustrating because it’s just written off like it’s nothing, kind of like how Arthur’s abusive behavior is written off or romanticized. They decide to leave the beach so Merlin can get cooking, which makes no sense because they just ate (well, Arthur did), but whatever, I’ll roll with it.

There’s a scene with them prepping food (steaks again, it seems), and Merlin’s apparent shortness is emphasized while they talk. This bothers me too, mostly because it’s a common trope in Merlin fandom, usually done to feminize Merlin. In the show, he’s just as tall if not slightly taller than Arthur. In fandom, he’s short and delicate so big, buff, tall, manly man Arthur can rescue little feminine Merlin from the evils of the world. Ugh, spare me.

Merlin puts pepper infused oil on Arthur’s lip for some reason, which causes Arthur to drink milk directly from the carton (gross, please don’t do this) and pinch Merlin in the side. Guess what, Merlin is ticklish! They chase each other around like children until Arthur manages to catch Merlin and pin him down. Their roughhousing gets interrupted by a knock at the door. Arthur finds a mysterious “lightning burst” scar on Merlin’s back and is curious again, but says nothing about it. The knock was from Mithian and Freya, who were curious about the racket Arthur and Merlin were making. The girls are of course invited over for dinner, and they rave about Merlin’s cooking. Got to remind us that he’s amazing at everything, in case you forgot for a second. They all decide to go clubbing that evening, because young people apparently do nothing else for fun, but they want to walk the boardwalk before sundown first.

We find out that Arthur doesn’t like having his photo taken, but Merlin snaps a secret shot of him anyway because of course he does. They get to the club and get drinks (I think? The way it’s worded is strange), before Mithian and Merlin leave to go dance together, leaving Arthur and Freya alone at their table. Freya gets tired right away (talking to Arthur would put me to sleep too, Freya), and Arthur gets up to go find Merlin and Mithian so they can leave. He finds them in a corner, and Arthur can’t believe his eyes: “Merlin, the skinny, gangly, stubborn yet fragile Merlin was dancing as if…well, he was dancing like he was at a club, only he looked as if he was paid to encourage better dance skills just by being present.” We get it. Merlin is great at everything, including cooking, dancing, singing, art, whatever. Let’s move on from this. Please.

Merlin and Mithian get knocked around by another dancer, and Arthur comes to save the day with his big buff self, and they all leave. The girls go home, and Arthur starts a fight with Merlin about dancing with Mithian because he’s a jealous douche who can’t stand to see Merlin having fun with anyone but him. He also says Merlin dances “like a fairy” and I’m honestly not sure if he means the creature

or the slur for gay men. Either way, yikes. Not the best word choice.

Merlin says that he would’ve said yes to Arthur if he’d been the one to ask him to dance, to which Arthur replies, “Kings do not dance with fairies, Merlin.” …okay? Not really sure what the hell that means. Let’s sum this little interaction and what it means in terms of Arthur and Merlin’s relationship up, though, shall we? Merlin’s friends are all Arthur’s friends. He doesn’t appear to have any others besides Will, whom we do not speak of, and now Mithian and Freya, with whom he never interacts without Arthur’s presence. Hmm, social isolation is not a good start. Arthur has started to dictate what Merlin can wear (and often what he eats as well), he has no sense of Merlin’s personal space and manhandles him at every opportunity, and he gets jealous when Merlin goes and has a good time without him around. He also degrades him all the time by calling him names and has shown that he has no problem getting physical with Merlin when he’s mad. Not exactly a healthy, loving relationship when put in simple terms like that, is it? Stop romanticizing abuse, authors. It’s fucking disgusting.

Chapter 15

Merlin wakes up to Arthur’s “cacophonous attempts of making breakfast.” At least the word is used correctly this time. Merlin drags himself out of bed to help Arthur make coffee: “’Coffee beans. Water. Button,’ Merlin narrated groggily. And with more than a modicum of annoyance. ‘I hardly drink coffee and I know this.’” Um, you forgot the filter, which is really important with a coffee machine. Might not want to put down someone using the machine incorrectly when you’re giving them wrong instructions. It appears that Merlin and Arthur have not had time to hang out since the clubbing thing because their schedules don’t match up, but Arthur has no problem waking Merlin up each morning and forcing Merlin to make breakfast for him. Sounds just lovely.

But other than that, Merlin is having a great time. He works in a lab and with a graphic team, both of which provide him with free food, the former in the form of doughnuts and the latter in the form of “euros.” I’m assuming they meant gyros, because that is what is described, and a euro is a form of currency used throughout the European Union. SCD07 would surely have known this if they were British, which makes the Britishisms in this story just that much more annoying.

Arthur asks Merlin if he’s started packing for their little camping trip that weekend, and Merlin says he was planning on picking up rental equipment that afternoon. What equipment is he going to rent? Why “A tent, sleeping bag, a mat, a water canteen, filters, boots, a backpack to carry it all…” Yeah, that’s not a thing. You can definitely rent camping equipment, but that’s going to be limited to things like tents, sleeping bags, and backpacks. Not boots and canteens and whatnot. I have no idea what it is like in countries outside the US, however, but I would assume that stores that sell camping equipment are not going to have shoes for rent like a bowling alley.

Merlin goes back to bed, leaving Arthur to make his own breakfast. When he gets up a while later, Arthur has left to go do whatever bullshit thing he does for this internship, and he has left the burnt remains of his eggs in the trash as well as the dirty pan for Merlin to clean. What an asshole roommate. Merlin makes “a sandwich, fruit, and a small smoothie to conceal a couple servings of vegetables” for Arthur like he’s a fucking child. And the smoothie thing is annoying me. Not every meal calls for a smoothie. Stop.

Merlin does some bullshit science: “His hours in the laboratory went by quickly since it was a series of preparations that would essentially become a waiting game for chemicals to mix, machines to process, and results to quantify.” That makes no sense and sounds boring as fuck to boot, which should make the day go by slower, not faster. Just what the hell are these people even doing? Chemicals to mix? Machines to process? Results to quantify? What does that even mean? And what about that panther epidemic Freya was going on about when we first met her? Does what they’re doing here somehow pertain to that? What does any of this have to do with anything? I hate all of the pretend science done in this fic. It’s all so terribly wrong and makes my brain hurt.

Merlin then goes to join his graphics buddies, and he orders an extra gyro, which is spelled correctly this time. But never fear, it’s called a euro again a few paragraphs later when Merlin comes home to find Arthur bitching about the size of the tent Merlin rented. At least be consistent with your wrongness like you are with the science stuff. Own it.

Arthur says that he’ll carry Merlin’s sleeping bag, but Merlin says that he can do it, especially since Arthur will be carrying their tent. Arthur replies, “You’re right. You are stronger than you look.” Kind of a backhanded compliment there. Merlin brushes the comment off as nothing and goes to get ready for bed. He brushes his teeth in the shower (weird), and is a little annoyed that he has to leave his glasses off. But not to worry, “everything was easy to feel for.” Remember how cartoonishly blind Merlin is? Y’know, how he can’t see anything without his glasses and has to feel for everything without them even though that’s not how eyesight works? Yeah, this fic won’t let you forget it.

Merlin starts to feel himself up, and we get a very distressing picture of Merlin’s body:

“His hands ran through his hair, helping the conditioner along until his fingertips settled on the ridge of a vertebra on his nape. The pads of his fingers wandered lower, feeling other ridges as his spine standing between his shoulder blades, which sat like awkwardly small wings. It was one thing seeing himself in a mirror, but feeling his frame without the forewarning of sight was a different experience entirely. He could count his ribs with minimal pressure against his skin, and even tuck his fingertips underneath the cage of each lung.

His hipbones practically rose up to meet his touch, and Merlin caught himself wondering, Would Arthur like that?”

Yikes. Get this kid some help immediately. This description (and more following it that I didn’t include here) honestly reads like a concentration camp survivor. This is not okay in any sense.

After that disturbing read, Merlin heads off to bed, and he starts imagining Arthur coming into his room and sexing him up. It’s a bit awkward because a lot of it is written as though Arthur is actually in the room with Merlin, and shit gets confusing. Merlin gets off on the fantasy and gets embarrassed about it the next day, refusing to meet anyone’s eye. The interns and I guess the internship coordinator get on the tram and they all head to wherever this camp thing is supposed to be. Everyone is incompetent, Arthur remarks about it, and Merlin makes a jibe at the way Arthur does yoga, to which Arthur angrily replies, “How dare you! You couldn’t even see!” Ah, yes. Because we must be reminded at every turn just how blind Merlin is, and you know how much I love that.

They pitch their tents, and we find out that Arthur’s huge sleeping bag is supposed to fit two people. He’d gotten it because he’d always wanted to go camping with Gwen or something along those lines. Awkward. Merlin wanders away from camp to go see the nearby lake. Arthur later finds him and joins him, bringing along some really gross sounding candies he’d gotten from the other campers for helping them pitch their tents (seriously, chocolate, cherry, and coconut all together? Disgusting).

They start to small talk about how their first week of internship went, and Arthur gets upset because Merlin is pretending to be happy (I’d wager that’s because he’s afraid of you, jackass). He pesters Merlin into telling him why he’s sad, and we get the following exchange:

“’I don’t know,’ he admitted. His eyes lifted to gaze out over the lake, the encircling trees… ‘It’s beautiful here, but it’s lonely.’ He shrugged. ‘It makes me feel sad in a nostalgic way.’

Merlin felt Arthur’s hand gently palm his cranium as he said, ‘Wow. You’ve got a lot going on in there, don’t you?’

‘Don’t tease me,’ Merlin whined quietly.

‘I’m not,’ Arthur assured, ‘but it may be possible that you think too much.’

A sharp breath exhaled from his nose. ‘Yeah, well there’s a pill for that, but I don’t take it.’

‘Good,’ Arthur surprised him. His hand slid down Merlin’s scalp to rest on his shoulder. ‘It would make you dull,’ he warned.”

Urgh, fuck you, story. We get it! You hate psych meds and think the people who take them are shit. Thanks. Stop it. I get enough of that crap from people in real life; I don’t need it in my garbage online fiction too. Also, it’s very obvious you pulled out your thesaurus again for this little exchange, SCD07. You do not need to replace the word “said” every time you have a tag in your dialogue. It actually can make your writing seem even more juvenile and stilted, and this is a big problem throughout this fic. One of Juliet’s pet peeves when reading this fic for the first time was actually the use of the word “sassed” in place of “said.” All of the dialogue tags in this fic are really annoying.

It seems that food is still provided for these lucky bastards as they get chicken skewers and stuff to make smores from the event coordinator on their way back to their tent. Must be nice. They sit around with a group of their neighbors and play ukulele music until it’s time for bed like the dirty hipsters they are.

Merlin has trouble getting to sleep (for some reason these weirdos brought pillows with them, and he wonders if he should have brought more; good luck fitting all that shit in a backpack), and it starts to get cold. The two of them of course share Arthur’s sleeping bag built for two, because why wouldn’t they? It’s too convenient a plot device not to use. The two end up spooning as they always do. Arthur sniffs Merlin’s hair before he realizes that the sounds he’s hearing outside their tent are from a bear or some other sort of animal rummaging around the campsite. It turns out to be foxes, and the chipper coordinator tries to scare them away by yelling (I think? I rarely know what’s happening in these scenes due to poor staging), and the foxes rush into Arthur and Merlin’s tent before then scampering away into the woods. That totally happened. Sure.

The author’s note at the end explains the whole “euro” thing from earlier, by the way: “In case you’re confused, by ‘euro,’ I mean the Mediterranean sandwich, not the currency, haha. ‘Gyro’ and ‘euro’ are synonymous.” Um, no, they’re not. Even googling “euro sandwich” only gets me “did you mean ‘gyro sandwich’” results and pictures like this:

They’re not the same thing. One is currency and the other is food. Try again.

Chapter 16

This chapter is thankfully much shorter than the previous ones. For some reason, there is a time jump and we’re no longer in the woods. How do I know? Only because Mithian stops by, and she didn’t come along on the little camping trip. Might be nice to let us know where the characters are instead of just telling us that “Merlin set aside Sunday to work on his graphic art projects, and Arthur was preoccupied with preparations for a debate competition later in the month,” which makes me think that they packed even more unnecessary junk for that trip than what was already stated. Excellent. Also, debate competition? For an internship? What? But wait, the next few lines still place them in the woods because it talks about them hiking back. Nothing makes sense! Just tell me where these two assholes are, so I can picture the scenes you’re trying to set up, for christ’s sake.

Whatever. So the two of them make it back to their apartment and fall back into a routine. Arthur leaves for whatever the hell it is that he does in the morning, and Merlin makes him lunch before he leaves for the day to do whatever the hell it is that he does “since he suspected the man wouldn’t eat otherwise.” That’s rich, coming from you, Merlin. Work on your own eating issues before you try and fix someone else’s.

They have some downtime together at some point (the weekend? I’m honestly not sure when anything happens in this stupid fic anymore), and Arthur wants his Christmas gift from Merlin. Pretty presumptuous of him considering Merlin has never mentioned having a present for Arthur. You’re not entitled to gifts from your friends, Arthur. But hey, Merlin actually has a present for him, and it turns out to be a massive sweatshirt: “almost more like a large, long-sleeve shirt, but along the cuffs and collar were golden threads forming a triangular design. It was surprisingly not gaudy.” Ha, nothing you say can convince me that that shit is anything but gaudy. Merlin also did the stitching. Of course. Because he’s great at making clothes, if you remember. Just like how he’s good at everything else. Just like the proper Mary Sue he is.

Arthur’s kind of bitchy about the gift and is a bit upset that Merlin doesn’t wear the scarf Arthur gave him. Merlin puts it on out of spite and says that he was planning on wearing it for Christmas, which is three days away. Merlin is going out for dinner, drinks, and dancing with Mithian and Freya and he invites Arthur along. Hope you’re not planning on doing that on Christmas Day, guys. Unless you want to go eat at IHOP and dance in the parking lot, I guess.

You do you.

Time skip to whenever it is that they decide to go out: “The restaurant above the club proved to be delicious and shockingly upscale for the shenanigans that ensued below. Their table stood near an aquarium featuring blue lobsters scuttling beneath angel fist (I love this typo) and puffer fish. Another surprise came in the complimentary appetizer set down by the waitress: seasoned potatoes, cut julienne as well as circular.” There are so many things that could be said about this little passage. You can’t have a tank of blue lobsters; those are exceptionally rare. Think one in every two million lobsters rare. Not going to just have a tank of them sitting around, especially if said tank is in a restaurant and not an aquarium. Also, highly unlikely that you are going to have those three fish together in one tank, especially at a restaurant. They sound exotic, but it’s not really something I see happening realistically unless you put in a lot of unnecessary effort. If they have lobsters in a tank at a restaurant, I would assume they’re for eating, not looking at, so keeping them in the same tank with your decorative fish probably isn’t the best idea.

Also, I have heard of no restaurant, no matter how fancy, that gives you a “complimentary appetizer.” Bread? Sure. Fries/chips? Haha, no. Gotta pay for that shit. And that’s not exactly a fancy appetizer anyway. Speaking of chips, it’s a good thing SCD07 decided to cover her ass with the whole circular potato bit, because Mithian calls this appetizer chips, and that word could encompass either of the potatoes described, depending on whether you are American or a Brit. I can’t completely call Anglophilia on this one, but I suspect it’s still an attempt at a Britishism to make this story seem less American. Not working.

Merlin actually has wine with his meal (shocking, I know), and everyone here is a cheap date because they’re all feeling a buzz after one drink (of wine or beer). Sure thing. I really am beginning to feel like an alcoholic while reading this fic, both because of the weird way alcohol is treated in this story and because of how much it makes me want to drink.

Arthur takes Freya home while Merlin and Mithian start to dance at the club. When Arthur comes back, Merlin goes over to make him stop being a wallflower and dance with them. Arthur’s response to this? “I’m not a fairy, Merlin.” I’m again unsure if Arthur is talking the mythical creature or the slur. Still uncomfortable. Merlin says, “If anything, I’m a sorcerer. Get off your ass, and dance with me.” Nice reference to the show, I guess, but that makes no sense in context. The dialogue in this story is seriously terrible. Nothing flows in a natural way, so it doesn’t seem like the “banter” is anything but people just saying unrelated things to one another and somehow thinking it’s witty. Protip: it’s not. It’s just confusing and annoying.

Mithian wanders off with some random guy, leaving our boys alone with each other. They dance and get knocked around so they’re super close together, sexual tension, blah, blah, blah.

Guffawing.

(Just when you think it’s gone, it comes back and rears its ugly head.)

They leave the club, and Arthur thanks Merlin for making him get up and dance. He then says that the dude Mithian went home with was really watching Merlin (creepy, also no, he probably wasn’t; stop being jealous over absolutely nothing, Arthur). Merlin says, “Well my eyes tend to be elsewhere,” and he plants a big, unexpected kiss on Arthur.

And here, folks, is where we get not another make out scene between these two like we had however many chapters ago. No, we get a big old cliché gay panic from Arthur:

“’What the hell was THAT?’ he bellowed, and wiped his mouth.

‘I-I-I thought…’ Merlin stammered. His eyes were pulled wherever that hand went, his kiss no longer on Arthur’s lips, and perhaps never was.

‘Thought WHAT?’ Arthur demanded. ‘I’m not GAY, MERLIN!’

‘No, b-but you’re…’ Merlin stammered. At the expectant, appalled expression in Arthur’s eyes, he barely finished his sentence in an audible tone. ‘You’re bisexual…’

Arthur visibly paled and reared back from Merlin as if he’d just turned inside out. ‘I’m what?’ he demanded. ‘Why would you possibly think that?’”

I hate this sort of scene in fic, and it happens all the fucking time. In this fic, it’s especially insulting because Arthur will not keep his fucking hands off of Merlin. Uther, Arthur’s ultra homophobic father, even said that Arthur has a crush on Merlin. It’s so stupid. Arthur has shown nothing so far about him being ashamed of or in denial about being bisexual except Merlin bemoaning him only kissing guys while “drunk.” Please.

This reaction is out of nowhere and done solely to create tension between these two and the unnecessary drama it entails, because now they have to live out the rest of their little vacation together with the elephant in the room of Merlin wanting to sex Arthur up. Also, this over the top anger? This is why he’s fucking afraid of you, dude. I hate that I have yet to run out of red flags for abuse here, but Arthur just continues to show himself as an abusive, controlling asshole.

Ready for more bullshit from Arthur? Because this little scene is far from over:

“Merlin frowned, answering honestly, ‘The others said…and you’ve been flirting with me…’

Arthur recoiled. I was being nice, Merlin! That isn’t an invitation to stick your tongue down my throat!’”

What about you putting your hands all over him? Coming into his room at night on more than one occasion and spooning him without reason? What about your jealousy at Merlin getting attention from other people? What about these things, Arthur?

“Old embers sparked in Merlin’s belly. ‘I didn’t! You’re only reacting like this because I’m right!’

Blue flames flickering in Arthur’s eyes and every fiber in Merlin’s body told him to cower and run, but he didn’t. He stoked them. ‘You can’t honestly tell me everything that’s happened over the last two weeks isn’t flirting, Arthur! Even before then! We’ve slept in the same bed three times! You follow me around like I might break!’”

See? Even Merlin knows you’re full of shit, Arthur, and he’s so dickmatized by you that he forgives all the crap you put him through.

“Arthur stepped toe to toe with him. ‘BECAUSE YOU NEVER CALL FOR HELP! For fucking Christ, Merlin! My uncle nearly raped you! And you never said a word about it!’”

Yeah, and you had no right to know about said sexual assault, asshole. Because you went behind his back and obtained video footage of it simply because he was “acting weird.” Fuck you.

Throughout all of this, that weird, nasty internal dialogue that Merlin sometimes has crops up. It at least kind of makes sense here because there seems to be a counterpoint in it towards the end that implies that someone said these things to Merlin at some point and he internalized it. Or something along those lines. I might be looking too hard into it.

Merlin blurts out that he’d already been raped, which is why he said nothing about Agravaine. Arthur is pissed that Merlin tells him this, because “What am I supposed to do with that information?” I don’t know, not be a dick? Maybe? That’s probably asking too much from you, though, Arthur.

Merlin says that he thought Arthur liked him back (everyone thought this, so you’re not in the wrong here, Merlin) and that he was finally ready (for a relationship? Sex? Not sure there). Arthur is still angry and continues yelling at Merlin, this time for not telling him that Merlin was into dudes, especially since he was out on a date tonight with a woman (Mithian). How Arthur is this fucking oblivious, I have no clue. I’m especially annoyed by this because he brought up no objections to Mithian leaving with that dude from the club, nor did he offer consolation to Merlin for losing what Arthur apparently thought was his girl because Arthur was too busy being a jealous, controlling douche. What a shitty ass friend. Find someone better, Merlin. I hate you, but you deserve way better than this dick.

Merlin finally starts getting well and truly mad here and yells back at Arthur that he’s an idiot for not seeing that Merlin is gay, particularly since even Arthur’s father knows about it. Arthur makes like he’s going to hit Merlin before yelling at him more, this time about his father. I don’t…how is he the romantic interest? How? Why do people romanticize abuse like this and think it’s okay? This is especially heinous after that scene a few chapters back where Arthur got all upset about Merlin having been hit before.

Arthur finally starts to back down out of his anger a bit, but he’s still an asshole of epic proportions:

“’Even if…Even if I…’ Arthur sputtered, as if he couldn’t bring himself to admit it. ‘Even if! It can’t happen! It won’t ever happen! Don’t misinterpret this, Merlin! I thought I knew you and now you’re a stranger to me. If I can’t trust you…then I don’t want you. You’re worthless to me.’

It’s disgusting. What does that make you? The sooner you learn that, the better.

Suddenly, Merlin’s voice wasn’t a yell, and compared to Arthur’s temper, it was a whisper. ‘You don’t have to return my feelings…’ he uttered, no longer able to feel his limbs. Everything was cold. ‘But I expected something…something else.’

Arthur’s anger paused to reveal confusion. ‘What?’

‘I didn’t expect to hear Uther, not Arthur…but he’s trained you well.’”

Yeah, should have seen that coming. So damn dramatic, but true in this case.

Merlin tells Arthur that Uther told him to stay away from Arthur, and Arthur gets mad at him again, saying, “You were both out of line.” Not really, though? Everyone saw Arthur’s actions toward Merlin; it was so fucking obvious that he was pining after him that even his bigot father told Arthur’s crush to keep away from him. Uther wanted to keep his son straight or whatever, and Merlin was acting on all of the signs Arthur was giving him. This entire thing is so painfully stupid and unnecessary. By the way, I forgot to mention this earlier, but did you know that it’s raining in this scene? Gotta make this as dramatic and ridiculous as possible.

Merlin starts sobbing, and Arthur walks away from him into their apartment. Merlin follows him inside but goes to the bathroom to sit under the shower, clothes and all, and be dramatic about the whole thing.

Just give up on him, Merlin. You’re better than that.

Until next time.

#merlin #bbc merlin #Merlin fanfiction #review #broken chemistry #platonic buddy pals #big gay panic #your Britishisms don't fool me #white hipsters #abuse #stop romanticizing abuse #it's fucking gross

[merlinficreview]

Broken Chemistry (part five)

Chapter 11

“’What exactly is happening?’ Morgana asked.” I’ve been wondering that for a while now, Morgana. Glad I’m not the only one.

This chapter beings with “chemistry” class, and everyone is wondering why Agravaine is angry and has a big ugly bandage all over his face, and Merlin’s friends are all wondering why Merlin is sullen and moody all of a sudden. Arthur had tried to talk to Agravaine about his missed labs after running into Merlin on the stairwell, but the man had been absent from wherever it was that Arthur tried to find him. I’m assuming he went to the classroom where Agravaine tried to rape Merlin, but that’s kind of an odd place to look for your professor when they don’t normally have a class at that time, which to my knowledge Agravaine doesn’t, hence why Merlin was able to make up his lab.

Arthur comes to the conclusion that Merlin and Agravaine’s strange behavior must be linked, and he looks to the cameras in the room for answers. The cameras, by the way, are described in the oddest way possible: “Arthur’s eyes peered around the room until they locked on the small, black dome mounted in the corner, like a wart.”

Never thought of those little camera domes as ceiling warts before, but I probably will now.

He figures that the cameras recorded whatever went down, and that “if something happened in this room, the footage shouldn’t be too difficult to get ahold of.” Sure, Arthur. You keep telling yourself that. Security footage isn’t as easily accessible as TV wants you to think, but I’m sure it will be in this fic because reasons.

Class gets let out early, and Arthur suggests that he and Morgana go check out the security tapes, which she agrees to right away: “They approached the door labeled: Control Room. Private. Morgana knocked a tune and they waited until it became apparent there was no one inside. ‘Who might have a key?’ Arthur pondered, whereas Morgana turned the knob. It opened smoothly. ‘So much for security integrity.’”

Somebody’s getting fired! Don’t know what this “control room” nonsense is, but I’ve never heard of that being a thing. And I don’t care what kind of facility you have; you’re not going to leave your security area unlocked and unmanned. Hell, classrooms are hardly ever unlocked, and most of those have very little in the way of valuables in them. A security room is bound to have all kinds of important shit in comparison. This scenario is laughably unrealistic and way too convenient for the plot.

Anyway, Arthur and Morgana look over the tapes, and they bemoan the fact that the lighting is bad while describing what is going on in the film. Things like the following: “They’re still doing the preliminary luminol test before the fluorescent jellyfish samples.” So that’s what the luminol was for? Jellyfish? What sort of school has jellyfish and allows students to work with them? And how is this chemistry in the slightest? I’m beginning to think that the title for this story is actually descriptive because all the “chemistry” they’ve done so far has been pretty damn broken. Chemistry doesn’t use jellyfish or pond scum or what the fuck ever. At all. Get your sciences straight. It’s not that hard.

They say a lot of wrong things about how security cameras work before they see Agravaine assault Merlin on film: “He moved Merlin’s hips roughly, groping and trying to get his raiment out of the way.” Wrong use of the word raiment. It might be a synonym for clothes, but that’s not how you use it; you just sound stupid.

They realize what is happening, and Arthur is ready for this, as he grabs a USB drive from his bag and orders Morgana to “Save the footage and delete it from the computer.” Why would you delete the evidence? That’s stupid as hell. People aren’t just going to take your word that the video you’re giving them is unaltered, especially if it’s the only copy of it out there. And what if you lose that little flash drive? They’re pretty easy to lose or get stolen. If it disappears, then all of your evidence is gone and you’re up shit creek without a paddle, especially since whatever you’re going to do with this video is surely going to happen without Merlin’s knowledge (gotta save him from the terrors of the world, god bless his precious soul).

So stupid.

Arthur is pissed that Merlin hasn’t said anything about the assault, and Morgana says that he probably thought that accusing Agravaine might get him in trouble, since the man is Morgana and Arthur’s uncle and brother-in-law to one of the deans, as well as being his professor, who is ultimately in charge of his grades. Makes sense to me. Arthur is going to take the video to “a majority of the deans and trustees” in order to get Agravaine fired at some sort of hearing. Now, I’m not all that familiar with the termination process for tenured professors, so I had to do a little research here. Every professor that is under scrutiny for dismissal has the right to a hearing, and no firing should be done without due process, which means an internal investigation. Much as I hate to say this, video without any testimony probably won’t do anything to help in the cause of getting Agravaine fired, which means Arthur should at the very least talk to Merlin and get a statement from him regarding the incident. He should at the very least confirm that it’s Merlin in the video, especially since just a few paragraphs ago Arthur and Morgana were complaining about the poor lighting in the video obscuring things. Also, Agravaine has every right to face his accuser, and that means Merlin coming forward about his assault, which he hasn’t done thus far and might not ever want to. All of this happening without Merlin’s knowledge or say-so really rubs me the wrong way. Arthur knowing about it in the first place is a gross invasion of privacy, and him trying to white knight his way into getting Agravaine fired reeks of controlling behavior to me. There’s probably a reason why Merlin didn’t say anything about it to any of his friends (he has more reason than not to keep it from Arthur and Morgana, but he apparently hasn’t said a word to anyone about this), and it’s not their right to act on his behalf about the assault without him okaying it first.

Meanwhile, Merlin is on his way to the library to get some studying and artwork done. He’s been doing the utmost to avoid talking to his friends, Gaius, and his mother, even though it’s pretty obvious to them by now that something is wrong. He walks into the library and “was sure he was getting strange glances for his reclusive appearance.” He’s talking about how he has a hoodie on under his fancy leather jacket and that he has the hood drawn up. I’m not seeing how that would draw attention. People regularly attend college classes in their pajamas and other assorted weird clothing. No one is going to care that you have a hoodie on, Merlin. Stop being paranoid. Acting weird is what will draw attention to you.

Merlin goes and finds an impossibly small room in the library (“meant for one person and stood practically on the edge of the building, [so] it was always free”). That seems kind of stupid to me from a builder’s standpoint. In the library where I worked for a couple of years, there were private study rooms, but they were always big enough for more than one person—even the grad student offices, and those things were tiny. But I digress. He gets to work on some art, only to get interrupted by Gwaine, who was supposed to be with Lancel, but decided to come find Merlin because “mia madre send a care package.” Is Gwaine supposed to be Italian? Or is that garbled Spanish? I don’t get it. Whatever. His mother sent some food that he wants to share with Merlin, and he guilts him into eating it by saying they don’t have enough room in the fridge. I’m amazed that they can fit a fridge into that dorm room, what with their three beds that aren’t elevated in any way. Aside from the lie about the food needing to get eaten, Gwaine is actually pretty good about handling the whole food thing here considering Merlin’s disordered eating behavior, because we get this little observation from Merlin: “Merlin noticed [Gwaine] seemed to be taking a bite every time Merlin did, and when he prodded Merlin to eat more, he was certain Gwaine was making him eat for a reason that had nothing to do with the food going bad.” Good for you, Gwaine. Don’t push too hard, but still get the kid to eat. Good job.

Gwaine and Merlin quietly eat and work together in this impossibly tiny room, and Merlin starts to get emotional. But then, “Out of nowhere, Merlin felt his head being pulled to rest on Gwaine’s shoulder,” and he starts to cry in earnest. I’m not sure how the staging works in this scene, which has been a complaint of mine before because it makes the whole thing very confusing. I assumed Merlin and Gwaine were on opposite sides of a desk because there was nothing said about Gwaine sitting next to Merlin in this tiny room built for one, and Merlin is described as leaning his chair back onto two legs, so I’m not sure how Gwaine pulled him over like this because I assumed that it wasn’t possible for them to fit two chairs side by side in this room, and it makes no sense for Gwaine to pull Merlin forward onto his shoulder over a desk, especially if Merlin was leaning his chair back like it said he was. Staging problems are one of the many things that cause me utter confusion while reading this fic.

Merlin cries himself to sleep, and Gwaine tells him that he’ll be okay because he’s got “the prince of the school” watching over him. Weird. Both the sentiment, since Arthur is actually going around behind Merlin’s back and showing video of him getting assaulted to strangers without Merlin’s consent, and the nickname that has never come up before this point. Arthur texts Gwaine that he knows what happened to Merlin, but he can’t tell Gwaine yet because it’s going to get a professor fired. Fair enough. Would be awful nice if you would let Merlin know about this, though. Since it was, y’know, him getting assaulted. Just saying.

Their next “chemistry” class rolls around, and “Merlin felt cold droplets of sweat slick down the ravine of his spine as he made his way to chemistry. Morgana was there, and she embraced him in a one-armed hug with a kiss on his cheek despite his clammy sweat.” Gross. Might want to see someone about both your sweating problem and your inverted spine there, Merlin. He gets ready to keep his head down and his mouth shut like he has for all of the previous classes since his assault, but it’s not Agravaine who shows up to teach, but Mr. Cendred, a “tall man with a pony-bun.”

I cannot take that seriously. Who says “pony-bun?” Just say bun. Or long hair that’s tied back or something. We’ll get your meaning.

Mr. Cenred is their substitute teacher, and he apparently knows just as much about chemistry as the rest of the characters in this stupid story because “Within the span of thirty seconds, he’d changed the atmosphere of the room and had the class laughing over some joke about the dung beetles they would be working with today.” Dung beetles? For chemistry? What the fuck kind of chemistry are they doing that requires the use of live animals, let alone hard ones to come by like jellyfish and dung beetles? Well, whatever pretend science they do for this lesson makes for a great class, and Merlin is relieved, albeit curious as to where Arthur is because he was absent (I told you you’re going to fail for this, Arthur; missing classes can drop your grade like nobody’s business, especially if you’re missing labs, which often cannot be made up).

Morgana goes home after classes have ended and finds Arthur to start yelling at him about whether or not Agravaine has been fired. You need an internal investigation, guys. It might take longer than the, what, two days since you started showing the video around. Especially since you have no testimony or a police report regarding the incident. The board of course wants to interview Merlin about the assault (which makes perfect sense to me), and Arthur is upset about it, “as if the video, the trash bag full of the broken laboratory equipment—the test tube with the man’s blood on it—aren’t enough!”

…so let me get this straight. Arthur found out about Merlin’s assault maybe a week(?) after it happened. Possibly longer. You’re telling me that whoever is in charge of the trash for the science building left their garbage sitting around for over a week, and Arthur could magically find the evidence he needed from there after dumpster diving? What? Also, broken glass usually gets dropped into a sharps container, not the general trash. Especially if it got blood on it. Good luck dumpster diving in that, good sir. And no, that’s not enough evidence. You need a statement from the victim of the assault, either directly or in the form of a police report. Your word is not good enough, Arthur. Get over yourself.

They show the tape to Uther to try and get him on their side, so things can move along faster. I feel the need to say again that all of this happening without Merlin’s knowledge or consent is really fucking gross. If I was assaulted, it was caught on camera, and I decided not to come forward, I would not want my friends to go showing the video around everywhere behind my back trying to get people fired. What a huge breach of trust. Find better friends, Merlin. These ones suck. Morgana convinces Uther to talk to the board or whatever vague entity is charge of terminating professors after telling him that she fears for Merlin’s grades and how unfair it might look to the rest of the world if the grade book is skewed against Merlin but in favor of Arthur and Morgana due to their personal connection to Agravaine, especially since they are all lab partners. Probably shouldn’t have taken his class in the first place if that whole nepotism skewing grades was a concern, dear.

Just saying.

Uther wonders why Merlin hasn’t come forward himself with this accusation, and Arthur replies that “he has nothing to confess to. Merlin has the right to silence and dignity.” Which you violated by accessing the footage in the first place and further violated by spreading it around behind his back. You’re a fucking hypocrite, Arthur. Uther agrees to talk to the board.

We skip ahead to the next “chemistry” class, and Morgana talks about yet another fancy dress ball that we are probably going to be subjected to in the next chapter. Mr. Cenred shows up with donuts, saying that he is now their teacher for the rest of the semester, and Merlin is touchy about eating anything, probably because of the eating disorder we don’t talk about. Arthur basically orders Merlin to go to the Fancy Dress Party while shoving donuts in Merlin’s face, and “Everything was back to normal.”

Chapter 12

Before we dive fully into this chapter, I want to take a minute to discuss the Fancy Dress Party in Merlin fanfiction. It can be found in almost any fic, but it is especially prevalent in modern AUs. We are treated to snobby people in fancy dress, usually as a way to introduce poor, commoner Merlin to the more posh associates of the Pendragons, or even the Pendragons themselves. These scenes are highly predictable and are as boring as watching paint dry to me. Writers often spend an inordinate amount of time describing clothes and scenery that no one cares about, interspersed with boring dialogue that amounts to basically nothing but sometimes drops a drama bomb. We are eleven chapters deep into Broken Chemistry and we have had not one, not two, but three Fancy Dress Parties, and we’re gearing up for number four (seriously, the brunt of the start of this chapter is Merlin & Co shopping for clothes for this party and the latter half is the party itself).

That’s one of these long, stupid, utterly boring scenes every three chapters, and each party has taken up most of, if not the entirety of, the chapter they’re found in. At this point, I’m starting to think that SCD07 has run out of ideas for ways to move the plot along that aren’t rape or a fucking party full of rich assholes with nothing better to do than throw their wealth in everybody’s face.

So, as I mentioned above, this chapter starts with Merlin, Gwaine, and Lancel going shopping for the party. Merlin is intimidated by the pretentious luxury of the store they go to: Royale Silks and Raiment. Not gonna let that word go, eh, SCD07? The assistant at the shop gives Merlin a bunch of suits to try on, and “Merlin quickly caught on to the label names such as Armani, Dior, and Vera Wang.” Did you just go with the first three high end brands you could think of? Dior and Vera Wang are not exactly known for their men’s fashion. In fact, in my brief searching around, I found nothing Dior in the way of suits, and tuxes from Vera Wang only at Men’s Warehouse. I really don’t think Men’s Warehouse is the atmosphere they’re going for at Royale Silks and Raiment.

Try Tom Ford, Hugo Boss, or Givenchy next time you want to name drop suit brands. Might work a little better.

Merlin is going to forgo a tie for this event and wear that stupid scarf that I forgot about until just now because it was unimportant, but that everyone for some reason loves in this fic. Gwaine thinks the idea is very chic because opera and there’s something about the acapella group and auditions or something. I wasn’t really paying close attention because this part is really boring.

They buy their suits. I think. It’s really vague, but considering they were getting this shit fitted, and I’m 99.999% sure you don’t get rented suits fitted, I’m pretty sure Merlin and friends bought the clothes they tried on. However, I’m left wondering how Merlin can afford this crap since he’s not secretly wealthy like everyone else appears to be—or is he? He has to be. Ain’t nobody dropping the serious money needed for fitted suits for some party they weren’t even officially invited to without having some serious money to throw around in the first place. He’s got to be rich too. There’s just no other believable option.

On the way back to campus, Arthur texts Merlin to invite him over to a study session, and they talk a bit about Merlin taking the tram instead of the metro because of the view. I don’t really know the difference between the two, because I think we might have both where I live and we just simply call all of them “trains,” so the effect of this part of the conversation is completely lost on me.

When they get to the Pendragon household, Arthur is annoyed with Gwaine (as everyone should be in this fic), a bit cold but civil with Lancel (understandable), and handsy with Merlin (again, ugh). Arthur takes it upon himself to remove Merlin’s scarf and jacket, and Merlin gets all flustered because of it. I don’t find this romantic, even though I’m sure it’s supposed to be. It’s kind of infantilizing, honestly, especially since Arthur treats Merlin like he can’t take care of himself like this all the damn time. Arthur then comments on Merlin’s baggy sweater (I guess Merlin wears oversize clothing a lot, which is not helping me believe that his disordered eating habits are because of mono or what the fuck ever) before taking off his glasses and cleaning them.

ALJFLKJDL DKJALDJKALDJKDLUWPOI. NO. UNACCEPTABLE. We talked about how gross this was in the last review, didn’t we? Because I know I brought it up before, and I hate that I have to talk about this again. THIS IS NOT CUTE. It’s not romantic. You don’t fuck with someone’s glasses without their permission, especially when they’re on the person’s face at the time. Urgh. This is of course a set up for some sexual tension between these two, because Arthur of course has to put Merlin’s glasses back on like a parent does for their child, and they can’t help but be close and gaze into each other’s eyes or whatever.

Then we get the actual dinner scene. We start off with a short description of the most pretentious food I have heard of in a long time: “Dinner consisted of buttered garlic rice, marinated lotus roots, white asparagus, and steak for the ‘carnivores’, as Morgana called the others while she and Merlin did without steak.” So…greasy rice, pickled roots, asparagus, and maybe some steak? All right. Whatever suits your rich people desires, I guess. And I’m not really going to touch the whole ‘carnivores’ thing, since Merlin is supposed to be opposed to red meat simply because of his mono excuse and not because of disliking it (or his fucking eating disorder, but we can’t talk about that, because it apparently doesn’t exist). Merlin compliments the lotus roots, saying that he hasn’t eaten them since he “visited,” whatever that means.

Oh wait. It apparently means this:

“Arthur’s head perked up. ‘You traveled to Asia?’

[Merlin] nodded. ‘Years ago, for two and a half weeks. It was on an art scholarship.’”

Wait. Hold the phone. Merlin has been to some stereotypical, nebulous part of Asia (because where else would you eat lotus roots but some undefined part of the largest continent in the world?) and he was there for two and a half weeks? On an “art scholarship?” What the fuck kind of school did he go to that would send him around the world for what appears to be nothing on an art scholarship? I want in on this. I can barely get my school to cough up $500 in loans to get me books with a solid 4.0 in a healthcare field. Either I’ve been going to the wrong kind of schools or SCD07 has no idea what the fuck they’re talking about because neither scholarships nor study abroad works like this. (Guess where my money lies on this one.) But wait, it gets better (aka worse):

“’Where else have you been, Merlin?’ Lancel wondered, intrigued.

He sucked in his bottom lip when he withdrew his fork, moistening the plump flesh before he chewed and counted silently on his fingers. When he nearly finished on his second hand, Arthur pushed them beneath the table. ‘Enough of that. I can’t believe you’re more traveled than an international relations major.’

The table shared a laugh before Merlin consoled, ‘You can look into Avalon Shores. They have several branches dealing with environment, humanities, even political realms, and they have internships year round that enable you to travel.’

I just. This is so wrong. Everything about it is wrong. Everything.

The fact that we’re supposed to believe that poor, destitute little Merlin has traveled to around ten (possibly more) countries on nothing but art scholarships and internships is laughable. You have to pay for study abroad. Even with scholarships, that shit isn’t magically covered in full, or at least not in my experience, which is why I never did it. I’m also way more inclined to believe that Merlin is secret rich like his friends after that whole fitted suit buying earlier in this chapter, so miss me with this internship nonsense. Also, you don’t have to travel to be an International Relations major. It’s not a requirement, like, say, knowing how to read Spanish for a degree in Spanish. So that part is stupid and inaccurate. As for Avalon Shores, WHAT DOES THIS COMPANY DO??? I thought Merlin had an internship with them for the winter (which I figure should be now, but who the fuck knows with this thing anymore) dealing with rescuing wildlife from millionaires or some shit. Now these people also deal with the environment, “humanities,” and politics? What does this company do? Seriously, I want to know. Especially since they can afford to send students around the world year-round for what appears to be frivolous bullshit. And what the fuck is meant by humanities? Art? History? Literature? Sociology? What? That’s such a broad term that means absolutely nothing in this context. And what internships are these people offering that allows you to travel? How does this work? I don’t understand. Why is everything school related in this fic so horribly wrong? WHY.

Anyway, Gwaine comments on the smell of burnt plastic in the house, and Morgana and Arthur laugh over a USB falling into the fireplace. USB? You mean the USB drive with the only copy of the video of Merlin’s assault? That USB? You know you still need that, right? We talked about this whole destroying evidence thing earlier on. Now you’ve just shown around that video behind Merlin’s back for absolutely nothing, you sick assholes. Congrats, I guess. You are laughing about it after all. Arthur kisses the side of Merlin’s head for some reason, and Merlin gets all flustered. Of course.

We have a bit of a time jump after that, and Gwaine is excited because he made it into the acapella group. Lancel asks Merlin about it, and Merlin says that it’s only because one of the managers (Merlin) can handle Gwaine’s energy. Merlin got promoted! Yay. I guess. Guffaw once again rears its ugly head.

I almost missed you after all that inane giggling Merlin did while hospitalized.

We then get this little gem from Gwaine while the three of them talk about Gwaine’s energy or whatever: “Doctors have been trying to stuff me with ADHD pills forever. But la mia mamma said, ‘NO. My son has the spirit of a fire cracker, and I am NOT paying those greedy—insert euphemism here—pharmaceuticals for something he does not need!’ Sure, I changed my major eight times, but I’m still graduating on time! Behold the power of my fire.”

Okay. So let me break this bullshit fest down. First, let’s talk about SCD07 shitting all over psych meds yet again. We get it. You think that people like me who choose to take them are lesser than those who don’t and that psych meds are a crock of shit drummed up by Big Pharma to sedate the masses or whatever. Gotcha. Fuck you, too. Hard.

Second, what the fuck is up with this “la mia madre mamma” whatever that’s cropped up in Gwaine’s dialogue for the past few chapters? It’s complete nonsense, and it sounds like complete nonsense, so it’s just annoying and unnecessary. Gwaine is not Italian or whatever it is you’re trying to do, and it’s nowhere near as cute and quirky as you probably think it is. Cut that shit out. Third, euphemism is used entirely wrong here. Your thesaurus has failed you. Try again. Fourth, changing your major doesn’t fucking work that way, SCD07; you got it wrong just like you did everything else school-related in this fic. You can’t expect to change your major eight times and still graduate on time. You just can’t. There are no eight areas of study so similar that they would have enough crossovers in pre-requisite courses that this would be possible. Changing it once, maybe twice, sure, it might be a little hard to do depending on the change, but it’s totally possible to graduate on time. Eight? Ha, no. Not even remotely possible. Not if you want to graduate in four years. Also, changing one’s major does not somehow equal ADHD. That’s kind of insulting.

And we’re treated to even more backwards school garbage in the following paragraph: “The following week was relaxing in how it only consisted of their exams while classes were officially cancelled.” What? Who on earth thinks of final exams as relaxing? There’s a reason why finals week is referred to as “hell week.” Hell, the words “hell week” are even used to describe finals week in this story. Make sense! And classes aren’t cancelled because you’re taking final exams. Exams are part of the class, so if you cancel class, you cancel your exam too. Or is “class” in this instance just referring to lectures and labs? Those aren’t cancelled because of finals; they just end. I’m so confused. Nothing about this is correct. Research is your friend. Either do it and do it right or write about something you know, which obviously isn’t college for SCD07 because they have gotten even the most basic shit about school wrong.

Merlin meets Arthur after their “chemistry” final, and Arthur mentions being nervous about an acceptance letter for something, but no details are given about it and it’s dropped pretty quickly, so that happened. But never mind all that. It’s time to get ready for the Fancy Dress Party!

Can’t wait.

We get an excessively long scene about Lancel, Gwaine, Merlin, and Morgana getting dressed for the party. Joy. Merlin gets what sounds like a supremely ugly haircut from Morgana, and Gwaine for some reason is filming this whole boring getting ready thing.

The ball is held in Avalon Library, which sounds nothing like a library when we get descriptions of the place: “Inside was deceptively extravagant as each room was themed differently. The foyer was a twinkling winter wonderland, where they handed their coats to the cloakroom before continuing into the main gallery.” Libraries don’t have cloakrooms and “main galleries.” I have no idea what kind of building is being described, but it sure as heck ain’t a library, especially when Merlin wonders where they moved all the bookshelves. Um, you don’t just casually move bookshelves around for a fucking party. Do you know how heavy an entire shelf of books is? Do you know how hard it is to assemble and disassemble shelving units and how long it takes to do so, especially when said shelving units are full of books that have to be arranged a very specific way? I’ve helped rearrange part of a university library before. That shit is not moved around for funsies, especially when it’s for some event that only lasts one night. This makes no sense. As per usual.

Gwaine and Lancel head straight to the open bar (good thinking, boys) while Morgana and Merlin go to find Arthur, who happens to be over by the desserts, dipping pieces of fruit into the chocolate fountain. He comments on Merlin’s “crimson, arabesque scarf,” which is stupid because he’s been wearing that thing for basically the entire story. I’m guessing it’s important for plot reasons later on. That or SCD07 just thinks it sounds sophisticated and won’t let it go (pro tip: it sounds stupid, let it go).

They talk about Arthur’s boutonniere and about him not having a date. Arthur sort of suggests that Merlin is his date, since he asked him to come. We get this in response: “But you didn’t ask me. It was more like an order.” Exactly, Merlin. Now run. Run far away because he’s going to keep being a controlling douche to you. But no, Merlin just sees this as Arthur being coy about asking him out on a date or something, and I guess we’re just supposed to see Arthur ordering Merlin around as cute. Y’know, the whole Arthur-ordering-Merlin-around thing worked in the show because while the two of them were obviously close, Arthur was still Merlin’s superior and his employer. Their relationship was not equal. Arthur had every right to order Merlin around as his prince and then his king, especially since Merlin’s job was quite literally to serve Arthur, and even then Arthur could get pretty abusive toward Merlin. In these modern AUs where the king/servant relationship is gone, Arthur ordering Merlin around just comes across as straight up abuse, especially when the two of them are supposed to be in a romantic relationship, and it’s not cute. Sorry to burst your bubble, fan writers. Please stop writing them like this. It’s kind of gross.

Merlin guffaws.

He then admires Arthur’s beautiful body or his suit or whatever, but berates himself for doing so because he doesn’t want to be “another rebound.” Dude, it’s been like two months. I’d say it’s pretty safe to say that whomever Arthur dates next is not a rebound. Get over it and jump his bones already.

Merlin wanders away from the group and bumps (literally) into the CEO of Avalon Shores. Merlin is excited because his internship with that company starts the next day, and mystery man asks about what Merlin will be doing. “I’m flying south to work with the propaganda team, learning about the exotic animals and their habitats, ailments, to create media for public distribution and awareness.” That sounds like the most bullshit internship ever. And “propaganda team?” That sounds…not good. The guy is apparently impressed with that because he replies, “Wonderful. That sector could use people like you who sound like they know what they’re talking about. So many of them are hippies trying to play with tigers. They forget how the job requires a relative knowledge of chemical biology, and they blame us for boring them with laboratory hours.” What? Nothing you said matches what Merlin described except the exotic animals/tigers thing. And what about creating propaganda (as Merlin calls it) requires lab hours and knowledge of “chemical biology,” whatever that is? Neither of you know what you’re talking about.

Merlin talks about how his concentration (ugh, not this again) is in environmental studies, and the mystery guy is super impressed with Merlin knowing all about “Travel, the arts, and science” even though Merlin didn’t talk about any of those things. He then compliments Merlin’s scarf, and the two of them realize that mystery guy is Merlin’s long lost father after finding out that Merlin’s father is the one who sent Merlin his beloved scarf.

What a plot twist.

Merlin is surprisingly calm about this revelation considering how upset he was earlier when talking about his absentee father, and asks why the man was never around. Daddy dearest bullshits an answer about having the wrong priorities and Hunith wanting to raise a child in one location instead of jet-setting around the world all the time. Merlin’s father (still no name) says that he was there for all of Merlin’s medical stuff (every time he was hospitalized, when he first got glasses, etc), but he wasn’t around except them. Merlin is somehow cool with this. They talk about Merlin’s latest hospital visit when Arthur comes over and butts into the conversation. We get Balinor’s name (finally), and he too guffaws.

My pain knows no end.

Arthur leaves just as abruptly as he came, and Balinor teases Merlin about the sexual tension between Arthur and Merlin. It’s just as awkward as you think it is. Talk turns to Uther’s bigoted politics and then the man himself and his relationship with his son. You’re in no position to give family advice, Balinor, what with you abandoning Merlin for his entire life up until this point. It turns out that that application thing that I glossed over before was Arthur applying for an internship with Avalon Shores, even though it was turned in way past deadline and should have just been thrown away. But the Pendragon name has clout and of course Arthur got accepted because they conveniently had one spot left open. Of course.

Uther gives a speech about donating money to give homeless children safe places to sleep for the night, and Merlin realizes that Arthur is making this go toward LGBT kids behind Uther’s back. Not the best idea, guys. Arthur then manhandles Merlin into the foyer and gives him a white scarf with dragons on it as a Christmas present. Uther intrudes on their happy moment and talks to Merlin about the video of his assault. Uh oh. Looks like going behind Merlin’s back about the whole thing was a mistake. Just like I said it was the whole fucking time. Uther blames Merlin for Agravaine’s raping ways and warns him to stay away from Arthur, especially because he knows about Arthur’s crush on Merlin, which is of course news to Merlin. Uther leaves, and Arthur excitedly shares the news that he got accepted into the internship program, and that he and Merlin will conveniently be sharing a flat together for the next month. Hooray.

Chapter 13

This chapter starts off with Merlin saying goodbye to his parents and Gaius as he prepares to leave for his internship with Avalon Shores. Balinor asks that Merlin not really talk about him because Balinor is not really well liked, even within his own company. Weird. But he says that if Merlin needs anything even “so much as a blueberry scone” to call him. Still weird. Nice to know that fanon Balinor is just as useless as canon Balinor, though. That’s pretty consistent.

Merlin leaves to go pick up Arthur, since I guess they somehow managed to be on the same flight, even though Merlin has known about this for months and Arthur only found out about his acceptance and need for a flight the night before. Totally believable. Arthur is still asleep, so Merlin begins jumping on his bed to wake him up. This effort proves unsuccessful, so Merlin decides to lay down on top of Arthur for some reason. There’s some really weird staging here again as the two get rolled over somehow to be face to face and then Arthur spooning Merlin.

Arthur eventually wakes up, and Merlin has to go through his luggage and explain why certain items won’t make it through security because I guess Arthur is so used to taking his fucking jet everywhere that he doesn’t know how airport security works. Oh, and Uther knows nothing about this internship. Considering how threatening he was toward Merlin last night when it came to Arthur, this can only end well.

They talk about camping equipment, which makes no sense because this is supposed to be an internship, not a camping retreat. Arthur gets upset that Merlin isn’t wearing his new white scarf, and Merlin tells him that he just doesn’t want to get travel stains on it, that his dad gave him the red one, and that he always wears it when traveling. Arthur says that Merlin has never mentioned his dad before, because I guess Arthur’s blackout drinking from wine coolers and a whiskey soda all those chapters ago wiped his memory of his and Merlin’s little heart-to-heart about their respective daddy issues.

They get to the airport, and Arthur has apparently never flown in one before because he gets all huffy and weird about timing and how you need to be early to catch your flight. Merlin draws Arthur while they wait around for their flight to start boarding people. When they actually do get on board, Arthur gets pissy that he and Merlin aren’t sitting in the same row. That’s what you get for booking at the last possible second, Arthur. I honestly would have expected him to fly business or first class rather than economy because he’s so fabulously wealthy and whatever, but I guess this was done to garner a few laughs at Arthur being a whiny little shit about how plebians fly.

Grow up, Arthur. Go be a rich asshole on your own plane.

Merlin falls asleep on the plane only to wake up when his head drops onto his neighbor’s shoulder. But said neighbor is now Arthur instead of a stranger. Because of course it is. Arthur somehow charmed his way into switching seats because I guess that’s a thing.

It turns out that Arthur didn’t tell Uther about this whole internship thing, so he’s expecting a bunch of angry calls about Arthur’s whereabouts after they land. Merlin is curious about why Arthur decided to do this in the first place, since Uther will be upset about it (especially since Merlin is there, if you remember that fun little threatening talk we got from Uther about Arthur’s crush on Merlin in the last chapter). Merlin explains away his little nap (no need to explain sleeping on a plane, dude, a lot of people do it) by saying he didn’t sleep well the night before, and Arthur laments that he will probably lose sleep tonight because Uther will surely be calling him to chew him out about leaving at the drop of a hat without giving him any notice. You knew your dad would be mad about this, Arthur. It’s all on you. Stop bitching.

Merlin asks Arthur why he chose the same “intern branch” as him, whatever that means, and Arthur replies, “Why should I spend a holiday with a stranger?” Holiday? Is that what this is? Because I thought it was an internship. Y’know, one of those things where you actually work for a company or organization? Not a retreat. But I guess they did bring camping gear and the author has proven time and again that they know nothing about anything, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this turns out to be a retreat after all.

Guffawing.

Merlin gets all worried about Uther because of that threatening conversation we had earlier, and Arthur says that he’s not going to tell his father that Merlin is there. He’ll probably find out anyway because you’re not the convincing liar you think you are, Arthur, but okay. Merlin has a mini crisis about Arthur in the bathroom of the plane or something before deciding that if things get hot and heavy between the two of them, then he doesn’t want to keep it a secret. I have no idea what that has to do with anything, but whatever. You do you, Merlin.

Arthur and Merlin are situated in what sounds like a really nice apartment with two bedrooms, separate bathrooms, a balcony, a kitchen and everything. I really want to know what sort of place sets up living quarters like this for their interns because I want in. I’ve yet to experience an apartment that sounds as nice as this one does, and this company can apparently afford to pay people to live there for like a month. Sign me up.

They have schedules for an orientation or something, and it’s all very strange. They get free meals for orientation, and they only work four days a week with huge chunks of time during the day free. I seriously want in on this. It sounds nothing like any internship I’ve ever done. Arthur and Merlin’s schedules don’t allow them to mingle on workdays because “[Merlin is] working with the artists and scientists. [Arthur is] with the politicians and business administrators.” …what on earth do any of those things have to do with saving wildlife or whatever? This whole thing is a crock of shit. Arthur for some reason pinches Merlin’s butt and tells him to cheer up because they’re at the beach in December and it’s warm. So they’re in the southern hemisphere, too? This is way too good to be true.

Raiment is once again used instead of clothes and it’s just as awkward as it’s been in the past. Stop using this word, SCD07. It’s not what you want, trust me.

We get to meet Mithian and Freya in the next scene, who will both be working with the boys and living in the apartment next to them. Freya is with the “scientists” and Mithian is doing whatever it is that Arthur is supposed to be doing. Wonder what they need scientists for? Well, wonder no more, because Freya tells us what’s what:

“Merlin supplied, ‘So you’re working with the chemists too?’

Her dark amber eyes perked up. ‘Yes, there is an epidemic harming panthers father south which we are investigating. When are you in the lab?’”

Why are they using chemists for this supposed panther epidemic? Why is this only affecting panthers? If you’re working in a big cat sanctuary, the diseases among them would probably affect most of the animals, not just panthers. And why again are they using chemists? That makes absolutely zero sense, particularly because these are interns. They’re not veterinarians or biologists or any sort of medical professional, and they’re students who apparently aren’t even studying any of this shit (remember, Merlin is “concentrating” in environmental studies, as he tells us over and over again), so I have no idea how helpful they would be in identifying what sort of disease is killing off panthers or whatever. And I thought Merlin was there for “propaganda” anyway, not…whatever bullshit it is that Freya signed up for. This whole thing is ridiculous beyond imagining.

Arthur and Merlin decide to get groceries. Merlin tries to convince Arthur to stay behind because Mithian wants to jump Arthur’s bones, and Arthur tries to do the same for Merlin because Freya obviously wants in Merlin’s pants. Just tell them you’re seeing each other, dudes. Everyone but Uther is fine with it, as they remind us over and over. It’ll be fine. They apparently have a concierge at this place—which I only associate with hotels and really, super fancy apartments—and they instruct Merlin and Arthur on where they can go to get groceries. The boys also apparently have paid transportation cards for this internship, and I can’t even pretend to think this is real in any way. Have fun on your paid vacation to the tropics to play with wildcats, guys. You deserve it.

They get to the grocery store, and Arthur starts pestering Merlin about Freya. I thought Merlin had already told Arthur he was gay at this point, but I guess not. You would figure he’d know, what with them having kissed and all, but wait, Arthur was blackout drunk from wine coolers for that, so it doesn’t count. They keep talking, but their “banter” makes no sense and it’s really just Arthur being a baby over nothing and Merlin insulting him before then wondering to himself if he should apologize. Because that’s normal behavior. It’s very weird and disjointed because it doesn’t seem like they’re talking to each other at all. Arthur then herds Merlin into the bathroom, and we get treated to this:

“Once inside the bathroom, Arthur ducked to see if anyone was inside the stalls before lifting a hand—

Merlin flinched, jerking back so far his shoulder blades thumped against the wall tile, his hands raised defensively. Arthur stood there, his hand still poised in the air as he stared, dumbfounded.

Slowly, his eyes widened and his hand sank by his hip. ‘Who hit you?’

‘What.Noone.Ijustreacted,’ Merlin responded too quickly.

Arthur took a careful step forward, observing him closely. ‘No one reacts like that unless they’ve been struck before. Who hit you?’”

So on top of the rape and illness and what else have you, Merlin was also abused at some point. Gotta make his backstory as angsty as possible so Arthur can save him and make it all better, right? Ugh. This is also a very common occurrence with Mary Sues, and we’ve already firmly established the Merlin in this story to be one, so this is par for the course. It’s also more drama for drama’s sake. Abuse to make Merlin a damsel and give Arthur man pain about his true love getting hurt or something. It’s awful regardless.

Arthur wonders aloud if the abuse is where Merlin’s scars came from and if Merlin’s father somehow gave them to him, which makes no sense. Merlin of course gets bristly about this and gives us the excuse Balinor gave to him in the last chapter about why he was a deadbeat. Merlin then wonders why Arthur decided to shove him into a bathroom:

“’It doesn’t matter. Why are we in a dingy grocery store bathroom?’

‘Because I thought, maybe, in a private setting you’d speak openly with me.’”

A public bathroom is not a private setting, Arthur. You could’ve just tried to talk to him back at your fancy apartment if you really wanted privacy. But wait, Merlin is ready for this reasoning with a rebuttal: “’About how you persistently make sure I’m not alone?’ he countered. ‘How you don’t trust me to go anywhere on my own?’”

Red alert! Why can’t you see this awful controlling behavior for what it is, Merlin? Get out now. Stop nursing your crush and escape already.

They talk about Agravaine for some reason, and Merlin is...grateful for Arthur’s actions? What the hell? I would be anything but grateful. Arthur got footage of Merlin’s assault without his knowledge and didn’t bother to tell him or even ask him before spreading it around to a bunch of people so he could try and get revenge on the guy who assaulted Merlin. I would be livid, not grateful. What bullshit. They hug and Merlin starts sniffing Arthur or something. It’s all very weird and creepy, and I’m disgusted.They head back to the apartment and both decide to take a nap before their orientation dinner or whatever. Merlin gets woken up by a knock at the door, but his cartoonishly bad eyesight and a pair of lost glasses keeps him from answering it. But never fear, Arthur is there to manhandle Merlin and save the day:

“Merlin felt himself abruptly lifted and then settled on Arthur’s lap.

‘What are you doing?’ he exclaimed, slumping clumsily against the soft yet powerful torso. Arthur’s hands were stuffed beneath the cushion.

‘I’ve already looked under the chair. They must be beneath you.’” 

So you lifted him up and sat down where he was, with him on top of you, to find them? Bullshit.

“’Hold still,’ Arthur commanded, and Merlin was statuesque (not how you use that word) when the bases of Arthur’s palms held his face, and the earpieces of his glasses slid past his temples. Merlin’s eyes were closed until the nosepiece rested between his eyes, then he swallowed and met Arthur’s gaze in the evening light.”

UUUGGGHH. I fucking hate this Arthur-putting-on-Merlin’s-glasses-for-him nonsense. You should know by now that I hate this infantilizing bullshit and why. He could have just as, if not more, easily have handed Merlin his glasses to put on his own damn face. HE’S NOT A FUCKING CHILD. And even children know how to put their own damn glasses on. This is disgusting and I hate it, but IT JUST KEEPS HAPPENING.

Also, Merlin really ought to be more careful with his fucking glasses anyway, since this is apparently his only pair and he can’t function without them. He’s awfully blasé about his debilitating blindness that’s somehow cured with the magic of glasses.

The knocking that woke Merlin up was Freya and Mithian, wondering if the guys wanted to join them for the orientation dinner. They go, and Merlin has another crisis about getting close to and lusting after Arthur while they’re all in the elevator. We also get this lovely internal dialogue out of nowhere: “It’s sick, all right? Nobody wants to know that! For fuck’s sake, Merlin, just lie. Lie until you stop being a needy cunt.” Um, okay. This right here? This is gross. For someone who insists that he’s okay with being gay, Merlin has these spontaneous little self hate fests a lot, and it’s pretty awful. I have no idea why they’re there because I can’t figure out what purpose they serve, and they always blindside you while reading about something innocuous like Merlin admiring Arthur’s shoulders or something. I hate them and don’t know why SCD07 felt the need to put them in.

Freya notices this change in Merlin’s demeanor and asks him what’s wrong. He tells her that his face “just does that.” Okay. She tells him to “think of something you indisputably like.” Okay. They talk about mind sanctuaries or something after this. I don’t know. I honestly wasn’t paying much attention because it makes no sense. Just like everything else.

They get to where they need to go, and the orientation dinner is described as an “internship party,” which makes part of me seize up and die because I just made it through a party last chapter, and I don’t think I can handle another one. But hey, we need to learn more about this internship thingy, and random speaker lady is here to clue us in:

“A flustered older woman arrived with the last few members and beamed from the head of the table. ‘Welcome! Welcome all. I’m so sorry for the delay. I’m your program advisor and coordinator! Don’t mind what I’m passing out to you, you’re welcome to use it as placemats and to just listen to me instead. If you happen to look over it, you will find the activity itinerary, as well as all the contact information you could ever need for people you should have any need to contact.’”

Why the fuck are you passing out unnecessary shit and telling people they can just use it as a placemat? Just tell them they can take one if they want one, or, since this company or whatever is supposed to be concerned about the environment and preservation or what the fuck ever, why isn’t this information digital? And the information she described? Sounds pretty important to me and not exactly something you can just gloss over or memorize from her speaking. Unless she’s going to say aloud their exact program schedule (which seems to be different for every intern) and all of that contact information and just expect people to write it down.

“She paused to inhale and continued handing out the stapled pages as she walked the line of tables. ‘Since we’ve got four weeks together, we’ve got four weekends to actually enjoy your time off from university. Each weekend, one or two events are arranged for you, and you will find sign-ups for these activities online. I figured you would like the week to accustom to your schedules before you made any extraneous commitments, however, this upcoming weekend, there is an overnight hiking venture and I have a sign-up sheet here if any of you stargazers wish to jump on board now.’”

This…this is not how internships work. This is a fucking all expenses paid retreat. Stop pretending it’s anything but that.

Arthur signs both himself and Merlin up for the hiking/camping whatever, and we get this lovely bit of dialogue from Arthur as justification for once again forcing Merlin into something: “You’ve been acting strange ever since I told you I was coming. There’s more going on with you, and I will learn what it is even if I have to isolate you in the woods for a weekend to get it out of you.” Sounds pleasant and not at all abusive in any way! Should be fun. Sure.

That’s it for this disaster of a section. Until next time.

#merlin #bbc merlin #Merlin fanfiction #review #broken chemistry #camera warts #chemistry doesn't work like that #internships don't work like that #nothing works like that #science is all the same right? #close enough #research is your friend #panther epidemic #internships and retreats are totally the same #all expenses paid #guffaw #it's back #Fancy Dress Party #my pain knows no end

[merlinficreview]

Search and Rescue Chapters 14-15 Review!

Search and Rescue (Word Count: 77228): Chapters 14-15

Chapter 14

This chapter opens with Arthur dancing his troubles away.

He is sweaty and gross. “Afallach is the first to stop. ‘Must we...’ He doubles over as he pants. ‘Must we go on much longer?’” That one’s a double hitter, ya’ll!.

“’No, we don't.’ Arthur's exercised enough for the day and is on duty starting at four.” Ohhhh he’s “exercising.” I legitimately thought he was dancing in a club from this description of him, “Pounding the ground with his feet, Arthur keeps the tempo of the music wafting into his ears. Pumping arms and legs, he goes faster and faster, till sweat covers all of his body and his hair's drenched. Perspiration dripping from his elbows and from his nose as well as his eyelashes, he looks ahead, head tipped up, so it won't get into his eyes.” That seems like dancing, yes? Maybe he’s running? Also, that is not a response to the question you were asked, Arthur. You ought to learn better listening skills if you’re going to run a country.

Arthur has helicopter duty in four hours and he is nervous about seeing Merlin at work again. “He won't be so petty as to ask to change teams, but working side by side with Merlin today won't be easy.”

Nope. That’s not petty at all. If fact, it would solve ALL your problems because you and Merlin would be able to get back together. Why are people stupid in these things? I know we have to have drama but it could at least be believable.

After worrying about facing Merlin, Arthur randomly answers Afallach again, “No, it's enough, we're going back.” Well, at least that one makes more sense as an answer. Isn’t this person supposed to be Arthur’s bodyguard? Why isn’t he in better shape? I feel like Arthur should look into getting someone more capable to look after him.

Pictured: Arthur’s Highly Trained Body Guard

Apparently.

When Arthur gets home, Morgana is there. She is furious because she’s called Arthur 20 times and he didn’t answer. “Arthur points a finger at his sister. ‘That's exactly why I didn't pick up. The last thing I need is frantic anything.’”

I thought Morgana was his cousin? Well this is European royalty we’re talking about so I guess she could be both.

Need I say more?

Morgana was clearly worried about Arthur and Arthur tells her he wasn’t in the mood to talk. Wtf, Arthur? If your sister-cousin calls you 20 times you could at least text her back to make sure no one died. He’s super bitchy to her so she leaves.

After he showers and he changes into his uniform, he thinks about how he usually changes at work but he can’t make himself today because changing in front of Merlin would make him think of sexy times. Do these places not have bathrooms or something? Or he could just go in early.

“At work he runs into many familiar faces. Though he doesn't feel like it, he greets everyone with a kind word. Partly because he can't be rude to people without a scandal happening.” Or maybe you shouldn’t be rude for no reason because that’s just not how anyone should behave ever?

Arthur goes to wherever Merlin is hanging out. “All in all, he still looks great, as beautiful to Arthur as he is impossible to reach out for. And isn't that a pain on top of all the other ones?”

It’s been like three days, Arthur, not three years, or even three months. How much could you have possibly expected him to change?

“He's saved from doing anything stupid by Gwen entering. ‘Merlin, Arthur, we've got a code blue.’” Is it actually a Code Blue this time? “’We're on our way,’ Merlin says, taut, serious, focused on the job at hand. He oozes professionalism like the Saxe-Coburgs drip old-world stateliness. ‘We'll get him to hospital in under twenty.’” That is in no way enough time to save someone in a Code Blue. They get into the helicopter and Arthur turns on their communication stuff. “Here Foxtrot Hotel, we have a major trauma, Helimed 54. Gunshot wound.” So not an actual Code Blue.

“Even though he means not to watch over them, Arthur strains to see overboard. He needs to know that Gwaine and Merlin are landing safely. He doesn't stop clutching hard at the controls until after they've touched ground.” I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s a job requirement for you to watch them to make sure they are safe, but ok.

“Gwaine reads them out quickly. ‘Sats are 82, going down. BP 110 over 95. He looks stable.’” An O2 saturation of 82 is NOT stable, Gwaine. Merlin tells Gwaine to bag the patient to get the O2 Sat up (see: not stable) and Merlin tells Arthur to land and come help them because the patient is not flailing all over the place. THIS IS WHY YOU NEED MORE THAN TWO PEOPLE ON A RESCUE TEAM.

“Arthur can't really do anything but, not only because Merlin's team leader, and as such has a right to order them about, but because he can't leave Merlin in the lurch like that. It's an instinct stronger than he is. Though that won't change how things are between them, this is a natural reaction to him, one he can't put a stop to. It doesn't mean he's going soft on Merlin. It won't happen ever again. But this he must do. For Merlin. For the patient.” What the hell? Why are people so dramatic? Your teammates and a victim of a gunshot are in trouble. OF COURSE YOU WOULD HELP THEM. If not, that makes you a terrible person.

Oh.

Drink.

Arthur goes and holds down the patient so Merlin could do whatever it is that he does. Incorrectly. As per usual. Why aren’t they sedating him? Just give him some Ativan, IM and he’ll calm down.

Merlin has Gwaine get IV access and for some reason, makes him set up a transfusion of O- blood. Merlin does another GCS and I disagree with his assessment but I don’t care to be specific about it.

“’Gotcha. There's a small exit wound consistent with a gunshot. He's not bleeding profusely and I can see no evidence of a haemorrhage…’” So… why did Merlin set up a blood transfusion when the patient isn’t losing blood? There is such a thing as having too much blood in a person’s system and that’s not a good thing. Fluids would have been a much better decision but for some reason, Merlin has an aversion to giving them. Like Professor Cave Fiasco. Dude was hemorrhaging like crazy and Merlin didn’t set up any IV fluids. That would have even been a time where a transfusion would have been an option but Merlin didn’t do that either. Merlin is literally the shittiest doctor ever.

And then… “A shadow moves over them. When Arthur looks up it's to see a man standing over them. He's young, so much so that a goatee struggles to grow on his chin. He's got a baseball cap on his head, a gun in his hand. ‘Stop it,’ he says. ‘Let him die.’” Why are there no police on the scene here? A gun fired in the middle of a protest and the police don’t show up? REALLY?

Merlin of course talks to the gunman, “don’t throw away your life, blah, blah, blah.”

He already did that when he shot this dude, Merlin. Keep up.

“Arthur's convinced the madman's going to shoot. Heir to the throne or no, he's preparing to place himself in front of Merlin, when the gunman curses, tosses the gun away and takes off at a run. Gwaine skids off to get the pistol. ‘How the hell do you engage the safety on this cursed thing?’” Every time it’s mentioned that Arthur is the prince, I kind of think, “Oh yeah. I forgot about that…” Which I kind of like because it means we see more of Arthur the person rather than The Prince of Wales. I don’t know why but Gwaine’s response is actually killing me. Thanks for the laugh in the middle of all this nonsense, Gwaine. I appreciate it. Oh and just want to mention Arthur willing to plant himself in front of Merlin and get shot for him. That just proves my point from earlier that them breaking up solved nothing and just served to give us some angst.

“’Give,’ Arthur says, toggling the lever to off. ‘I'll radio the police.’” Why has this not already been done though? Someone started shooting up a protest and the police aren’t there? What? Damn though, take charge, Arthur.

“’Hyper-resonance on the left side,’ Merlin says, auscultating the wounded man. ‘I suspect a pneumo.’”

NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS CORRECT. YOU CANNOT AUSCULTATE HYPERRESONANCE. THAT’S NOT A THING. Hyperresonance is heard with PERCUSSION in a pneumothorax. ABSENCE OF SOUND is heard with auscultation of a pneumothorax. I don’t get how the author has clearly spent time researching but still gets super basic things incorrect that would have come up in their googling of this stuff.

Merlin places a chest tube. I hate those things. I’ve never seen one in real life before and I hope not to.

Arthur takes them to the hospital and has a crisis, imagining Merlin as the patient. Sure. Whatever happened to the gunman? Did the police ever show up?

After they get back to base, there’s a tense moment between Merlin and Arthur and then Arthur runs away for sadness reasons.

Chapter 15

Merlin and Gwaine are at a party. Merlin is slamming beers. Anne Rice pops in for her usual, “He's lost, adrift, purposeless. There's a sadness that tears at his heart day after day, gnaws at it till nothing but bloody stripes of flesh and muscle remain.” Merlin tells Gwaine he is only there for Finna. How many retirement parties is this chick going to have? One and done, Finna. One and done. Arthur is also there even though I don’t think he’s ever met Finna and Merlin is bitchy about it, asking why he’s there. Which is a fair question to me. “’Same thing you're doing.’ Gwaine rounds on Merlin, eyes narrowed. ‘Since when you've got a beef with the Swan Prince?’” Is this supposed to be a Swan Princess reference? If so, I approve.

“’Don't be silly.’ Merlin stands. He needs a drink, be it one of alcohol free ones Finna keeps for those of her guests who prefer not to cloud their senses. As an ex pilot, she's sensitive to those things. ‘You're talking rubbish.’” Or maybe she’s just a regular person throwing a party and knows that not everyone drinks? That has nothing to do with being a pilot.

“He's upending empty cans of cola in search of a full one, when a hand lands on the same one he wanted, touching his into the brgain. He looks up and then his whole palm burns. ‘Arthur.’” Of course it’s Arthur. IDK what “brgain” is a typo for but it’s making me laugh all the same. Arthur tells Merlin he was going to give the soda to Gwen. I’m calling it now: Merlin is going to misinterpret their friendship for a romantic relationship, drama and angst will ensue.

Behind the scenes fun fact: I was originally going to go for a more “dramatic, throwing one’s self on their bed, angst” sort of gif but this one is more representative of how I feel about my prediction.

“He did this to protect them, to cut things off before his feelings for Arthur could take such seed he couldn't extricate them from the weave of him, to shield himself from a loss that would be unbearable. Arthur is so dear that losing him for good, to death, would put an end to Merlin too. ‘She... she deserves it.’”

Oh and I’m calling that a win for my prediction because Merlin is clearly not talking about the soda when he says that.

Gwaine is following Merlin around asking him what the fuck is going on with him. He thinks Merlin is just super stressed out and suggests he takes some time off work. “’Gwaine.’ Merlin takes Gwaine's hand in his and clings tight. His work is vital to him, the threat of it being taken away makes him tremble with near fear. ‘Gwaine, I'm fine.’” Calm yourself, Merlin.

No one is taking your job away from you but if you’re impaired, you can’t work. Think of your patients.

“Gwaine holds his gaze. ‘That's exactly what people say before they have a breakdown.’” LOL I love Gwaine in this.  “’I'm not having a breakdown.’ At least not a mental one.” You’re having a physical breakdown, Merlin? You need to get to a hospital ASAP then. You’ll die.

Merlin and Gwaine continue their conversation and Arthur comes in from nowhere, “’It looks to me as though Gwaine was being a bit too rough,’ Arthur says, eyes wide and full with emotion. ‘I won't have that.’”

Oh fucking hell. I was hoping to get through this without Caveman Arthur protecting poor defenseless Damsel Merlin. Gwaine figures it all out because he isn’t a total idiot.

Merlin wants to “explain” and Gwaine says there’s no need because, duh. I have to paste this entire next part because holy crap the unnecessary drama:

“’I acknowledge it openly.’ Arthur's voice is firm and decisive. ‘There's no need to hide—‘‘Arthur!’ For himself, Merlin has no wish to hide anything. It's true that all questions will be painful, like fire under skin, but he can bear that now's the cat's out of the bag. He's a big boy. Besides, Gwaine's mischievous but never malicious. Any joke he might aim at Merlin would be well meant in the end. All Merlin's concern is for Arthur. For him a fling would mean being splashed on the front pages of more than one rag. It would be a scandal. It would also be for nothing because they're not together anymore. It would do all the damage without any of the perks. Merlin doesn't want that for him. ‘You can't.’ ‘I can and I will,’ Arthur tells him with a pointed glance that softens the more he looks. ‘It may be in the past but I don't intend to hide like a thief in the night.’”

This is so weird. It’s just admitting it to Gwaine and he already knows so I don’t get why Merlin is being all, “NO YOU CAN’T!!!” And, “It may be in the past but I don’t intend to hide like a thief in the night.” What? Just… what? IT’S GWAINE. Not a press conference. These people are way too dramatic about everything. This is just so excessive.

“Merlin knew that talking about it would flay him open. But the experience of it is exquisitely more hurtful than any prediction might have suggested. Eyes getting heavy with a sheen of tears he doesn't mean to shed, he says. ‘Yeah.’”

I’m actually laughing at this quote. What? Gwaine excuses himself from this nonsense, like anyone would.

“’Look, I'm sorry about the Gwaine thing.’ Arthur places a hand on Merlin's shoulder and gets him walking. ‘I didn't mean for him to guess. If I could, I would have safeguarded your privacy with all that I had.’” So Arthur is doing the thing he accused Gwaine of doing earlier by putting his hands on Merlin to move him the direction he wants him to go. But it’s ok because it’s Arthur. No. I hate this. I hate this trope so fucking much.

They start to have a conversation about their relationship. It’s dramatic. I don’t care. Then Gwen comes in like a wrecking ball, as she should, to stop this nonsense.

Thanks, Gwen.

“’Arthur,’ Gwen calls out from among the crowd of party goers. She's got a newspaper in her hands. From the splash of red on its front page it's clear it's The Sun. ‘I've just got this from Drea.’ She points at their colleague. It's about you, Arthur.’ Arthur snatches the paper from Gwen. Reading over Arthur's shoulder, Merlin makes out the words: Exclusive: Ex Con Nearly Kills Heir to Throne.’”

GOOD

That’s it for this post. I hate this excessive drama. It really bugs me because it’s over something so easily solved. Merlin continues to be the most incompetent medical professional ever. I love that Arthur’s personal body guard is terrible at physical exercise. He’d never be able to save Arthur if someone ran off with him. Did we ever actually find out what Finna’s party was for? And why Arthur was there?

Until Next Time:

#merlin #bbc merlin #merlin fic #review #rotrude #everyone is incompetent #Finna needs to stop having retirement parties #we get it #you don't work there anymore #angst #Anne Rice Language #must

[merlinficreview]

Search and Rescue Review Chapters 11-13

Search and Rescue (Word Count: 77228): Chapters 11-13

I got really wordy with these five chapters so I’m going to do three for this post and two for the next one.

Chapter 11

This chapter starts with a mass of paparazzi and reporters surrounding Arthur’s car. Merlin is with him. “As Arthur waits for them to fend some of them back, Arthur palms his forehead and tells Merlin, ‘They must have guessed I'd be coming. I mean Leon is my friend.’ ‘It's fine, Arthur,’ Merlin turns around in the seat, places him palm on Arthur's knee. He soon drops it, but the touch is firm, steadying for as long as it lasts. ‘When I said I'd come, I knew it would be like this.’”

I find Merlin being ok with all of this hard to believe considering the massive bitch fit he threw about Arthur joining the team and the paparazzi issue he went on and on about.

Merlin and Arthur have some of that insulting each other flirting/banter thing that the characters are so famous for on the BBC Merlin show.

“Merlin proves knowledgeable about the game, more so than anyone Arthur's ever met. People usually tell him they want to see the tennis with him because they're aiming for some of the perks associated with Arthur's presence, the prime seats, the VIP treatment, the opportunity to be seen. Merlin knows the history of the sport, is aware of what constitutes good tactic, and is a fan of great play.” Arthur, if everyone other than Merlin is just using you for these seats to up their fame, you need to get better friends. It’s not worthy of adoration and praise if the person you take to a tennis match likes tennis. Come on, Arthur.

Leon loses the match and afterwards, Merlin and Arthur go get a drink on some fancy rooftop bar. Arthur brings them champagne, expecting Merlin to make fun of him for being so posh. Merlin tells Arthur he likes champagne too. For someone so hateful towards the nobility and so judgmental about them, Merlin really does fit in quite well.

Then this happens: “’A lot of things are nicer in company’ ‘Yeah,’ Merlin says, ‘good food, good drink, games of chess, sex.’” Arthur blushes and stammers over that, and I don’t blame him. What was Merlin going for saying that to someone he is supposed to be platonic with? Before Arthur can say anything, Leon comes in like a wrecking ball to cockblock Arthur.

Pictured: Leon

“Arthur shakes hands with Leon and introduces him to Merlin. ‘I see,’ Leon says, pumping Merlin's hand quite vigorously. ‘You must be Arthur's new boyfriend.’”

AWKWARD! Arthur says that Merlin is the doctor he works with and then Leon says that Arthur has mentioned Merlin to him before. So then wouldn’t Leon know who he was? Why would Arthur have to tell him? Stop being weird, Leon.

While getting drinks, some of Arthur’s other friends show up and start telling stories, “’Do you remember that old baggage, what was her name, Mab? May? Mary? Anyway she so clearly wanted into Arthur's trousers. Wanted to become princess. Little did she know Arthur was enamoured with that champ boxer. What was his name again? She stood no chance. Poor silly cow. As if someone like that could ever bag a prince.’”

What the fuck? Referring to this poor woman as “baggage?” How fucking gross. Arthur is friends with these people? Arthur and then Leon tell this dude, Alistair, to shut the fuck up and that he’s being classist. I kind of have a feeling they are only saying that because Merlin, who is poor, by their standards, and a commoner, is sitting right there.

Here’s something I feel like mentioning that really annoys me and is quite common in Merlin fic. Arthur’s friends are portrayed as complete assholes a lot and to me, that says something about Arthur’s character as well. You don’t continually hang out with people who are mean to those you like and are just jerks in general, unless you are too. You are a reflection of your friends. Does someone always 100% of the time have to agree with their friends? No. Of course not. But it says something about you if 98% of the people you associate yourself with on a regular basis for fun are assholes.

So of course after my rant, we get a section about Arthur having some self-awareness about his bully friends. “’You must think badly of me for putting up with them.’ Come to think of it Arthur doesn't understand how it could have let it happen, why he didn't cut those people before. He doesn't often see them, true, but he does countenance them from time to time. ‘I'm sorry.’” Merlin then waves it away by saying that Arthur isn’t responsible for how they behave. While that’s true, my point still stands. You are a reflection of your friends. He may not be responsible for their behavior but he is responsible for who he chooses to be friends with.

Merlin starts being super coy and flirty which is not really how we’ve seen his characterization so far so it’s a little weird. Arthur invites him over to his place. When they get there, Arthur tells his security to scram and not bug him or video tape him. Which is weird. Why would they tape Arthur within his own home? That’s creepy. Arthur literally would have zero privacy.

“He can't tell whether he's learnt that from watching his father act or if it comes natural to him, but at the end of the day people tend to respect him when he pulls rank. He's going to use that.” You’ll use it when it comes in handy for you but otherwise, you’ll shit all over the idea of being royalty and having a meaningless life, right?

Anyways, Arthur and Merlin go on to have sex. In the most flowery language ever written for straight up porn. It’s so awkward to read. We get stuff like this, “The solid mass of Arthur – bones, sinew, guts– liquefies in a pool that gushes outwards from the inside, atomising cogs that come from the splintering of him.” What makes it more awkward is that the purple prose is interspersed with very porny type writing because I guess the author couldn’t figure out how to translate it to the Anne Rice Language.

Thanks to Romeo for whipping that up for me.

Afterwards, Merlin and Arthur have a really odd conversation where Arthur is basically embarrassed and insecure because Merlin is a Super Slut who is amazing in bed and has slept with ten million people so Arthur can’t possibly live up to Merlin’s expectations. Merlin tells Arthur that it’s the best sex he’s had in a while and Arthur says he doesn’t believe him. “But Merlin's good in bed, so good he can break hearts, he certainly did Arthur's. Arthur's not sure he came by that by way of abstinence.” Merlin is as confused by Arthur’s comments as I am and Arthur very poorly explains himself, “I think you're not entirely a stranger to, you know.”  LOL at “you know,” are you 12 Arthur? You can say “sex.” So Merlin has had sex before, good job figuring that out there Detective Pendragon.

This turns into the explanation of Merlin’s backstory. Fucking finally. Now, I have to tell you, I was texting Romeo while reading/writing all of this so I was trying to explain this whole thing to her.

Here is the exchange: Please ignore the fact that for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how to spell Daegal’s name.

If you weren’t able to gather the background story from those texts, Merlin, Freya and Daegal were all in a polyamorous relationship, Freya and Daegal started getting it on together on the side, leaving out Merlin. Merlin was sad so he went away for 6 weeks and when he came back, Freya was 2 months pregnant. There is no mention of there being a paternity test or anything. Merlin, Freya and Daegal try to make their situation work again but it doesn’t, Merlin leaves them and Freya and Daegal get married. Later, Merlin and Daegal are on a mission together, Daegal dies and Merlin blames himself. The End.

Merlin tells Arthur he hasn’t really wanted to be with anyone since Daegal died because he falls in love too easily.

Chapter 12

Merlin and Arthur have been together for a week and Merlin is asking Arthur some questions in bed. He asks Arthur what his favorite pastime is. “’I don't know, flying.’ Arthur strokes Merlin's hair. He does this in soothing motions, with some easy ruffling of his hair. ‘Horse riding. Playing Lacrosse. Visiting old churches by night.’” Ok…? “’Come again?’ Merlin guesses he gets the whys and wherefores of the first three, but the last one comes across as wholly unexpected.” I’m glad Merlin is just as confused as me. Arthur tells Merlin he feels more connected to buildings at nighttime. Sure. Sure.

Merlin and Arthur tell each other their favorite places. Merlin’s is an aqueduct his mother used to take him to. For reals. For funsies. Arthur’s is the place he wrote his dissertation on. He says he doesn’t meet many people there. Probably because you only go at night, Arthur. You know, the time you said you go because you are… less likely to meet people.

Come on, Arthur.

“’I bet not.’ Merlin sniffs his way into a smile.” “Sniffs his way into a smile.” What? What does that even mean?

Merlin decides to make Arthur breakfast. In Arthur’s kitchen. Which is weird to me. He starts pulling a bunch of shit out and has no idea what any of it is. He finds something he thinks might be a waffle iron and decides to make Arthur waffles. Then he says he doesn’t know how to make them. “Ah, I see eggs. Do you think you need eggs for waffles?” Arthur says he doesn’t know so they’ll make some with eggs and some without. What kind of nonsense? What about all the other ingredients? Are they going to make them with milk and without milk? With flour and without flour? Why are neither of them just googling a recipe?

“Since they really are going by trial and error, they make different batches, pouring the ingredients Arthur does have into a bowl and adding different quantities of yolks, sugar and milk.” Those are not the only things in waffles.

“It occurs to them they should have oiled up the waffle maker's surface. So they spray some oil onto it. Merlin doesn't even ask why Arthur has spray oil, he just showers the griddle with it.”

This is really odd to me. The way this is written makes it seem like Merlin assumes Arthur is using cooking spray for something weird and sex related or something. Which makes no sense whatsoever. Why is Merlin questioning Arthur having cooking spray? He has (most) of the ingredients for waffles and a waffle iron. Why is it weird that he has cooking spray? That’s a normal thing a person has when they own a kitchen. Don’t be so weird and dramatic, Merlin.

When breakfast is over, Merlin is the most dramatic person in the world about asking Arthur if they can hang out for a few hours together before their shift starts. I just have to paste the whole thing because it’s so ridiculous, “Merlin cautions himself, tells himself he's not ready for this much emotion, for the ache that it brings. But he wants it right now. He wants the small pangs that grow inside him. He wants that queasy feeling coming from his stomach flipping. He wants the energy coursing right under his skin to continue to electirfy him. Besides, he wishes to have more time with Arthur, and now seems like as good a time as any. He hopes his plan works out too, because he'd like to give Arthur something, some joy, something to remember him by, most of all some good moments, grounded in reality.”

Why does he need something to remember you by, Merlin? Are you dying?

“’No.’ Arthur lifts his head, so he can square gazes with Merlin. His lip comes out and his eyes take on a very serious, earnest expression. ‘I have time for you.’” So that’s that.

In the next scene, I guess they are out and about because the very next sentence is, “With its battlemented tower and stone structure, St Teilo looks more like a keep than a church. Or so it's always seemed to Merlin.” There are no breaks between any of these scenes in the writing, by the way and it’s driving me crazy because it’s confusing when it all the sudden changes to Merlin’s point of view from Arthur’s, or when they are suddenly in a different location.

Arthur starts creaming himself over this ancient pile of rubble. “’It's one of the most beautiful churches I've ever seen.’ He meets Merlin's gaze. ‘In fact, it's the most structurally sound, awe-inspiring, perfect church I've ever seen and I'm quite in love with it, with all the ways it works for me, with all its... angles. And quirks. And its depth.’ He takes a big breath and his gaze becomes fonder. ‘In fact I would go as far as to say that this church is it for me.’” He’s clearly talking about Merlin but Merlin has to be obtuse about it or else it wouldn’t be fanfic. “’Well, if it was such a hit with you,’ Merlin says, brow knitting at Arthur's vehemence, ‘why don't we go inside?’”

“The interior is wide, simple, almost bare of arches, the naves tall, made from a solid block of limestone. Arthur's voice echoes as he says, ‘That font is twelfth century and look at that hammer-beam cross section.’” What? Arthur is an Art History major. Not an archaeologist or architect. How could he possibly know this stuff?

Merlin likes that Arthur is enthusiastic about historical architecture. “Because of that something in Merlin shifts. It cracks his ribs and injects itself in his heart and in his veins. It hurts subtly, and in places he can't identify. The fissure places are there but he can't spot them. He doesn't want to either. For all of the jangling of pain they bring, they also shock him with waves of deep-seated joy, a kind of euphoria, a washing of elation, that makes him wear a smile so big it matches Arthur's.”

Chapter 13

Chapter 13 opens with Merlin, Gwaine and Arthur on a mission. A bridge has collapsed. The Coast Guard is mentioned as a way to help the people in the water but no other Flight for Life team seems to be there. So Gwaine and Merlin are the only two responders at this mass casualty situation?

What the actual fuck? This makes zero sense. Merlin tells Arthur he sees a patient somewhere but they can only get to them if Merlin dangles on a rope to get to him/her. Super safe. Arthur is refusing to take Merlin over there and Merlin is super confused because they have had a similar situation before and Arthur didn’t have an issue. Arthur is clearly letting his personal feelings get in the way here, which is super bad news bears.

“’I can't do that.’ Arthur veers left, sharply away from the collapsed structure. ‘I'm not letting you go on a suicidal mission.’” What the hell, Arthur. You can’t just fly away from this situation when you have the ability to help these people.

“Merlin's ribs fracture around his heart; his blood turns to sand. He doesn't want to do what he's about to. He doesn't want to go against Arthur in any imaginable way, but he needs to. He must. There's a person's life in the balance and he'd never forgive himself if he didn't even try. ‘I countermand that.’” Don’t be so fucking dramatic about it Merlin, damn.

Merlin says he is going to take Gwaine’s advice and Arthur makes a very unprofessional comment about it. Merlin has another extremely dramatic internal dialogue about this, “Merlin's heart breaks at that. He was the one who opened Gwaine up to this kind of attack. If he hadn't quarrelled with him when Arthur was present, this wouldn't be happening. There would be no rift in the team. The moral accountability for this is his. However muh he'd like to though, he can't smooth things over in a moment. It'll take time and patience and a few honest conversations between the three of them. For now he's got to regain control of the situation and do so before it gets out of hand, before his team stops being a unit.”

There’s no “rift.” Arthur didn’t attack Gwaine. What he said wasn’t nice but he didn’t attack him. Also, this is not your “moral accountability;” remember how just a couple of chapters ago you told Arthur that he wasn’t responsible for the actions of his friends? Well you are not responsible for Arthur’s unprofessionalism. That’s on him. All you have to do later is pull him aside, tell him it was unprofessional, and not to do it again and tell him to apologize to Gwaine. No need for a bunch of “honest conversations.” Though Merlin should also tell Arthur not to let his person feelings for Merlin get in the way of their jobs but that’s not something Gwaine needs to be involved with.

When Merlin and Gwaine get down to wherever, they find the patient. He has blonde hair, so of course Merlin panics for a second about Arthur. 

“’It looks like he fell from up there.’ Gwaine gazes upwards, at the other half of bridge that looms over them, a portion of archway cut short as it reaches outwards. ‘And landed down here.’ ‘Okay, we need to roll him.’ Merlin can't work like this, with no airway access, and no way to check the patient for frontal injuries. ‘Come on.’”

No no no no no. YOU DON’T MOVE SOMEONE WITH A POSSIBLE SPINAL INJURY. This person fell off a fucking bridge. Check their fucking spine first, Merlin. What are you doing?

He places his thumb into the hollow between the young man's clavicle and trapezius while the knuckles of his index and middle fingers tease out the muscle line and pinch. ‘Central pain response negative. E1, V1, M1, GCS3.’” Well, Merlin ALMOST did a GCS correctly. He didn’t try to talk to the patient to get a verbal stimuli reaction first but he’s improving! Also, Holy Shit GCS of 3. He’s not going to make it. Black tag and move on. 

Merlin calls Arthur and tells him to come back to take them up. Gwaine and the patient on the gurney are hooked onto a safety harness together. I’d like to see that because that sounds really unsecure and unsafe. After Gwaine gets up there, Merlin hears someone crying. Because of course he does. “Strong in that knowledge, Merlin takes a step away from the bridge ledge he's on and walks towards the mouth of it. ‘I must find them.’” Arthur tells Merlin it’s too dangerous but Merlin ignores him. Because of course he does. Merlin finds a little boy hiding. Of course it’s a kid. He has a broken arm. “’Will you let me see to your arm?’ Merlin can't set it right now, not the way it should be, but if he examines it, he'll be able to tell the receiving doctors what kind of fracture they're dealing with. ‘What do you think?’” No, he can’t. You can’t tell exactly what’s going on without an X-ray. Because this boy is taking the worst possible time to demonstrate Stranger Danger, Merlin can’t get him to come out so he tells Arthur to fly to the hospital and leave him behind.

WTF? No. Absolutely not.

Arthur says he won’t leave Merlin. Which is the correct fucking answer. “’Yes, you can.’ Merlin's heart breaks over Arthur's struggle. He sees how hard it is for the both of them, for Merlin to ask, and Arthur to do. He gets it. But he can't allow that to change his course of action or admit as much over the radio. He can't be anything other than professional and get this done, get Arthur to do what's necessary. ‘You must turn around and save that man.’” I just want to take two seconds to point out the excessive use of the word “must” in this fic. I noticed it in one of the earlier chapters and it’s so jarring almost every time it’s used. It’s driving me crazy.

Merlin is being the stupid unprofessional one here. Maybe if he had approached the boy correctly, this wouldn’t be such a hassle. He could have said, “Hi there. I’m Merlin. I’m a doctor. What’s your name? Your arm looks like it hurts. Can you come with me please, (insert child’s name here)? I’m going to make sure you’re ok.” Merlin and Arthur wasted too much time arguing too. Merlin could have gotten the little kid to come with him at that point if they hadn’t been fighting. Also, who the fuck is supposed to give report when they get the patient to the hospital? Gwaine could repeat what Merlin said but Gwaine didn’t do those assessments.

“Knowing he can't think about that now, that he must focus on the job at hand, the little boy, Merlin approaches him. ‘Will you let me touch your arm?’”

Everybody drink!

Two seconds after Arthur leaves, Merlin gets the little boy to come out, making this entire fucking scene pointless. He tells Merlin that the man they airlifted was his uncle. SGHIROHAGOOFIGHIWGIW THIS MAKES THE ENTIRE SITUATION EVEN MORE STUPID. He would totally have gone with them if he had known they were taking his uncle to the hospital.

As Merlin and the little boy wait for Arthur to come back, parts of the bridge start falling down. Need more suspense and drama, I guess.

Arthur comes back and the little boy goes up first. When he’s halfway there, of course everything turns to shit and Merlin is left clinging one handed to a ledge above the sea. Of course he is. “He's putting all his weight on his arms and making an effort to climb, when someone grabs him by the arm. Merlin looks up. ‘Arthur,’ he says when he recognises him against the glare of the sun. ‘I've got you.’ Arthur groans as he lifts Merlin. ‘I've got you.’” What the actual hell? Who is flying the helicopter? Why didn’t Gwaine come down to get him? Oh right. Arthur always has to be the big manly man hero in these types of things. I mean, I would actually have found this scene pretty intense if I didn’t feel like it was completely unnecessary. Merlin never should have been left behind in the first place. The little boy was actually very easy to coax out of hiding and if Merlin and Arthur hadn’t sat and wasted all that time arguing, they would have all been able to go up at the same time.

Whatever.

Arthur pulls Merlin up and Merlin tells him to run. That’s probably a good idea. “First though, Arthur palms Merlin's shoulder, pats his body as if looking for injuries. When he finds him whole, he starts on his feet. He's got to a standing position, when a chasm opens under his feet and he goes down.” Of course. Merlin manages to grab Arthur’s hand. “’I'm going to haul you up.’ Though his shoulder burns with such an intensity that shows he's likely tearing something, Merlin will never let go. Even if he has no choice but to go down as well, he won't loosen his grip. ‘Just don't let go of me.’ ‘Merlin, you can't,’ Arthur says, meeting his gaze, steadfast and honest. ‘I weigh more than you.’” And that’s how Merlin became responsible for the death of the Prince of Wales. The end.

Just kidding.

“Though his heart's breaking and his eyes are veiling with tears, he focuses on Arthur, because he's the one who matters now, the one for whom Merlin bears this great emotion balled up inside him. He can't let go. He can't go through that kind of loss. At the mere ghost of it he's already wilting and dying inside, his soul a stunted nub. Fear gnaws at him, shrivels him to nothing, but he clings, he clings desperately, because he can't envision any other action, any other path.” Merlin manages to pull Arthur up and they make it to the helicopter.

In the next scene, where there’s actually a break in the text, Merlin is documenting the mission. “I think we make a good team. An effective one. We work well together, or, well, so I think.”

You don’t work well at all. You let your personal feelings for each other get in the way of the mission and you both almost died as a result.

“Arthur can't be lying to himself to that extent, Merlin thinks. He must see. He's definitely aware of what nearly happened. ‘Arthur, you landed the EC at the mouth of the bridge and came to get me.’” Everybody drink.

Merlin confronts Arthur about his behavior and asks him if he would be reckless to save Merlin again. Arthur says he would. “’I get it. I get you.’ Merlin understands Arthur's a daring, generous soul. ‘But I must do what I can to prevent that from happening.’” Everybody drink.

Then Merlin breaks up with Arthur which is stupid and makes no sense because they are still on the same team and just because they aren’t together, it doesn’t mean they won’t risk their lives for each other again in the future. Arthur just needs to switch to a different team, that’s all. Problem solved. Arthur, understandably, is not having it one bit, but Merlin makes it about him and how he can’t go through losing someone close to him again, and doesn’t listen to anything Arthur has to say. Merlin cries a lot and it’s super awkward because again, Arthur could just switch to a different team. So I can’t be bothered to care about this breakup because it’s pointless and the issue is something that could be easily solved.

So, even though the super dramatic writing gets annoying, I still like this fic as a whole for it’s unintentional hilarity. The bad medical stuff still annoys me and I hate drama for drama’s sake to move the plot forward.

Until Next Time:

#merlin #bbc merlin #merlin fic #review #rotrude #merlin is the worst doctor ever #drama for drama's sake #easily fixed problems #stranger danger #texts from Romeo #plot twist