musingsbylucia

[musingsbylucia]

Im reaching the end of my twenties… time to be vulnerable.

I’m 29.. I am approaching 30 and it’s a thing. Not a big thing but a transformation of sorts. 

Thinking about Turning thirty and what that means and what it doesn’t mean has given me the opportunity to take the time to do a lot of inner reflection. To look back on my life and all of the lessons that I have learned. To think about how many challenges I have faced and lived through. To see all of the things that I love about myself and all of the people that have been in my journey, those who I am so grateful for, those who I feel really just didn’t understand me, those who were unhealthy in my life.

Realizing that all of it has brought me to where I am today. I’ve also only really begun to understand that life keeps moving and the unknown can be really scary while also exciting …. because it means that things you haven’t even dreamed up yet could happen and they could actually be really great. 

My past is my past…. I don’t actually have to feel ashamed of it. My past does not define me. These expectations I have of myself actually come a-lot from society and insecurities that influenced me to feel like I have to reach all of these expectations to feel worthy. Now… hears the thing…  I can know that and tell myself that but … My body is a little behind my self awareness. 

. . . 

I don’t like feeling vulnerable. It’s makes me feel like I’ve just been completely analyzed inside and out. Making me want to run away, hide, and burrow under a blanket until I’ve fully calmed myself and licked all of my wounds. 

. . . 

Sharing makes you vulnerable.

Telling someone what you have experienced, realizing that your not alone…

maybe….. just maybe not all people are like that one person who really hurt your feelings that one time … realizing this can be disappointing to the part of you who wants to stay stuck.

Who wants to push everyone away.

Who wants to remain unseen, quiet, misunderstood… alone.

Alone in your suffering because if you stay there then no one else can use it against you.

No one can see that you are actually a whole person experiencing being a human who just needs to feel like it’s okay to process what they are feeling in a space free of judgement.

…  so here’s to life …

I’m leaving behind so much and I’m taking so much with me that I’m thankful for. Something’s I’m still working on. 

… 

My childhood…..

that’s a whole other story.

… right now what is coming up is…

I keep looking back and remembering the work that I’ve done to get where I am and how when I was younger I was really obsessed with how I looked and dressed because I thought that I needed to be really put together.. if I looked good on the outside then everything was okay and I could walk around without any vulnerabilities, any problems and no one would know i was anything except a shining star without flaws. 

Unrealistic obviously.. I’ve learned that I had to be that way to be where I am now. 

somehow I felt like my identity was determined by how I looked…. This was like early teens.

Misinformation. My self worth is not valued by how I look.  . . self talk. . .

My outer appearance is a direct look on my inner self so of course I want to look good because I want to feel good. 

Rebellion has definitely been a thing. Not wearing makeup, not wearing a bra, wearing whatever I want has been me taking my power back and sitting with the uncomfortable feelings of the still fleeting thoughts that someone is judging me by my appearance. 

Ehhh, I enjoy wearing what I want and wear what I want for me. And that’s okay. 

 Anyway The social pressures of being a kid and wanting to fit in were a real thing for me and I’m sure for other people.

Here’s to my teenage self… I made it.

. . .

I’ve lost people in my circle to suicide. 

I’ve lost grandparents who I cherished and a grandmother I never met.

I’ve lost friends and loved ones.

I’ve met mean girls, mean boys, rude adults, and broken humans who have challenged me. 

I’ve met myself.

faced my deepest fears.

not known the difference between reality and my mind showing me fears

. . .

I’ve checked my self into the hospital 

And been taken to the hospital.

Suffered from anxiety and depression.

Been to too many parties and drank way to much which led to being in situations that i really hate talking about. But it happened. I didn’t fully understand alcohol at the time. There were unprocessed grief, emotions, depression, and hidden things that I was coping with by using substances. :::Late Teens:::

I’ve struggled to keep jobs, find housing, find inspiration, find compassion, find time to feel like I can actually sit down and work on projects that I am passionate about because for the moment it’s okay to prioritize myself…. To find peace with my family, find peace with myself for not living up to the expectations that I think the people in my life have of me and also the expectations that I have created myself. 

I’ve Found ways to heal and cope by painting, hiking in nature, writing, sound healing, meditation, plant medicine. 

My twenties have been …. me on a journey back to myself. Learning about relationships… learning about what has shaped me and why I react the way I do in relationships…. Back to self awareness and finding coping methods to live life without continuing down a self destructive rabbit hole. 

To find the parts of me that I had forgotten about. To learn new things. To learn about what I really love and what is really important to me. 

I definitely am one of those people who sees their friends go off to college, get married, have children and a small part of me feels left behind because I haven’t done those things. But the Truth is 

My worth is not measured by my marriage status. My parent status, or even by my education.

I do think that education is important. I just don’t measure myself or others by their education. Your either a human with integrity or not. Educated or not.

Im okay with being the free-spirited, mystical artist who is on a journey of self love, wander love and finding the wild woman. 

My head is full of color, my heart is full of love and so is my life. 

I’m good with that. 

I’ve found loving and supportive human beings with open hearts.

A strength to keep moving forward.

The awareness that my past doesn’t define me.

That I’ve forgiven myself for the things that I was holding on to. 

I sang,

Painted,

Danced, 

Talked,

Prayed, 

Journaled journaled and journaled…

my way through my twenties.

. . .

Here’s to my younger self.

Here’s to my present self.

Here’s to my future self. 

I love them. 

Here’s to all the people who molded, shaped, loved, and taught me that there are good humans. 

Here’s to those who also showed me that the world has those who have tainted hearts. 

To my thirties

I will keep going, keep learning, growing, and follow my heart. 

I can be accountable for my mistakes and also be gentle With myself.

I can tell my self a better story that leaves blame and shame behind. 

Allowing myself to keep moving forward. 

Life will keep going forward and I will make more mistakes.

Because it’s okay if I haven’t figured everything out yet. It’s one step at a time. And I’m only just beginning. 

If anyone suffers from anxiety or depression..

Has lost people to suicide.

Struggled with addictions and alcohol.

Your not alone.

I feel like these three words are said a lot.

And that they need to keep being said.

Because you never know who needs to hear it. 

There are people out there that can help.

Art therapy is a real thing.. it works.

I hope you can find help if you want to

 …..  I know that you are strong. 

#mental health #growing #vulnerable #suicideawarness #mental health awareness #teen depression #art #arttherapy #journaling #journal entry #existential musings #self learning #self healing #self acceptance #growing up