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WHY is my dad watching Saltburn on my fucking Amazon prime profile, even I haven’t watched it yet
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wow happy Christmas Eve everyone, my cousin just called me to tell me that yesterday their cat died, and it’s suspected that someone poisoned the cat on purpose using anti-freeze. actually fuck everything
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god I just got uninvited from my own birthday trip. they’re still going, just without me. why am I even alive like fucks sake I’ve got no one and nothing in my life
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just got caught wanking by the roof repair men 🙃😭 why is my life turning into a bad porno
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ahhh another year, another birthday of no presents, no balloons, not even a happy birthday text from either of my parents :) don’t I just love being perpetually alone?
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I took my straight female friends to a gay bar and they got so mad that the women tried to hit on them that they just fucking left after an hour and a half, and the entire way home yelled about how shit the whole night was.
They were actually fucking livid that there were *checks notes* Gay people in a gay bar
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every fibre of my being wants to go back to being 16 but doing it right this time around
#I have nothing#i thought I had new friends but then they posted a look back on the year and cropped me out of every photo to make it the two of them#what is wrong with me#it happens again and again and again so I must be the problem#what is it about me that is inherently and undeniably unlovable#I’m going to be alone forever cause I drive everyone away no matter what I do#I’m just sick of being alone
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Just put on a shirt I hadn’t worn in months and found a strand of fur stuck to it. The fur is from my baby bunny who died three months ago. So yeah I’m a mess for the rest of the day now.
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Just had to phone work to double check some important info, and it took under 3 minutes. As soon as I hung up I was sweating/shaking/on the verge of tears cause phone calls make me so anxious and my mum’s reaction to this was ‘well that’s just stupid and pathetic’ (as if I can control it??)
And she still refuses to let me go to a doctor. So yeah I’m /still/ not diagnosed with anxiety because of her bullshit ‘mental illness isn’t real, medications will just get you addicted’ mentality
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I’m such a fucking idiot like did I really just go get fingered in a car park by a guy I’d exchanged about 5 messages with without telling anyone I literally could’ve been murdered
And it was shit anyway I tried wanking him off but his mum phoned him to tell him to come home 😭😭 no one came and now my vagina hurts cause he just,,, smacked it thinking that that was sexy
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Oh the absolute irony of severely depressed 14 yr old me being like ‘oh but it could be worse, at least I don’t have an eating disorder too’ only for 19 yr old me to realise that I’ve had an eating disorder all along and was pretending that my fucked up eating habits were perfectly fine :,,,,,)
(Aka throwback to when I was 15 and my friends wanted me to try Doritos and I almost cried)
#AaaAaAaaaAaaaaA#tw#trigger warning#tw eating disorder#eating disorder#depression#tw depression#I use tags so I don’t trigger ppl but I still feel bad cause like it makes it seem like I want attention cause I’m tagging stuff
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I basically use this blog as a void to vent into so sorry if anyone actually sees this but
I was wondering why I was so hyper focused on one night stands the last few months and now I’ve realised it’s bc i have so little self-worth that I feel like I’m not attractive or desirable enough to have my first time be ‘special’. I think I’m only worth quick nameless hook ups in the back of a grindr guy’s shitty car in the middle of the night
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2021 already sucks so I’ve made the executive decision to go back to 2016. From here on out I shall once again be obsessed with Voltron, Skam OG, Hamilton, Dan and Phil, Twenty One Pilots, and anime. I’ll just make sure to be way less cringey about it this time around
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Me at 13: NO pink, NO glitter, NO femininity, you are a BOY and must act like a BOY, or are you just faking being trans for attention?
Me at 19, still trans and dressed like a catboy in one of my Grindr pics: y’know what, life’s too short who gives a shit
#I don’t know what I’m trying to say with this but like fuck I’m glad I got over my toxic masculinity/I’m not like other girls phase#if you call me a trender cause I’m occasionally more fem then like bro idc#the duality of man#life’s too short to not send nudes to random guys on Grindr for no reason other than Entertainment
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Me: 2021 was is going to be a great year, this is the first New Years I’ve not cried on for four years
Also me, less than 12 hours into 2021: eating disorder is triggering me more than it has in months, constantly on the verge of tears, is seriously considering breaking my arm on purpose so I don’t have to be at work
#uhhhh#I wanna die#I also posted this to the wrong account at first whoops sorry to my Star Trek followers ahaha#tw#trigger warning#tw suicidal thoughts#tw eating disorder
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Bro I went down two clothing sizes in three months like honestly thriving rn
(Start weight: 142lbs, Current weight: 124lbs)
(5’9”)
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This is just gonna be a rant/train of thought/absolute mess cause idk what I’m doing but like yeah so as with all my personal posts if anyone sees this then please just ignore it lol sorry I’m so annoying but I just like typing things and then sending them into the void so y’know
Basically my mental health has been getting worse and worse for a while which isn’t surprising since it’s always bad but gets worse 1) when New Things are happening and 2) during winter and I just started uni this year and it’s fucking dark at 4pm now everyday. But yeah so I’ve been self-harming and having suicidal thoughts for six years now. I’ve attempted suicide once and planned/prepared to kill myself at least three times by now. It’s not great in my head honestly and it hasn’t been for many years.
I’ve tried to get help twice. The first time I was thirteen and told my parents/school/GP and... none of them did anything. They all just thought I was attention seeking and would stop on my own if they didn’t ‘indulge me’. I wasn’t diagnosed with anything or referred for therapy or meds or anything. They ignored it and surprise surprise it didn’t fucking stop. They just didn’t know about it anymore.
The second time I tried to get help I was seventeen and I referred myself to the school counsellor. They were a counsellor in training from the local college and quite frankly absolute shit. I felt worse and worse after each session and honestly felt relieved when the 6 sessions I was allotted were over.
Part of the issue is I have been struggling for so long that 1) I don’t know who I am if I’m not feeling Like This and 2) Ive had such bad experiences with trying to get help I can’t bring myself to try again. What’s got me thinking about all this again is the fact that the newest development in my shitty shitty mental health is an eating disorder. Now again, I’m not diagnosed with anything, but after months of consideration I can tentatively consider that eating 500 calories a day for months on end and feeling fat and sick after eating literally anything and refusing to drink any water for several consecutive days so I don’t gain ‘water weight’ may possibly be indicators of an eating disorder.
I still feel bad saying anything since I’m so terrified of self-diagnosing and being told I’m just attention seeking again which is why even after all this time it’s so damn hard to admit that I’m probably depressed. I can work with tangible things that I know for a fact such as that at this point I cut myself almost every day, and I can sleep for 12 hours a night and still feel exhausted in my bones, and that I hate my body so damn much that I have to shower with my eyes closed or end up clawing at my skin, and that I spend hours and hours obsessing over the thought of killing myself and planning how to do it and going as far as to stockpile pills so I could overdose, only being stopped by the fact that when I googled to see if I had enough to kill me I found out that it would’ve taken several days to actually end things so that ruled overdose out. And I live in a city so that ruled jumping off a bridge out since I’d definitely be caught. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Another part of the issue is The Trans™️Thing™️. Because yes a lot of my issues stem from my crippling dysphoria. And that’s not a thing I can change. My family is transphobic so I can’t come out. I can’t transition. I’m going to be stuck in this goddman fucking body til the day I die. And I can’t fucking cope with that. And I haven’t been coping with that for a very, very, very long time.
Therapy can’t help me. I already know the ins and outs of why I feel so shit all the time. No amount of bloody alternative thinking can change things. Which only leaves medication which my parents have expressely forbidden me to take. Any medication. Literally. Any. Yes including birth control. No they are not religious, just fucking crazy and think that any issue I have (including any colds/flu/normal illness) are just me exaggerating and will get better by themselves (reason why I had a veruca for four years even though they are very easily treatable).
And yes I’m nineteen now and don’t need parental permission for my health care but they also search through all my stuff in my room whenever I’m not there and I can’t just,, not take meds home during uni breaks since that would probably fuck me up even more. But also yeah I’m a nineteen year old guy not a thirteen year old girl anymore. Honestly I feel embarrassed that it’s gone on this long. All my high school friends got better, so why can’t I?
But yeah so why should I stay alive? What’s the fucking point? My issues are going to be with my til the day I fucking die whether that’s by my own hand or something else. This isn’t a short term issue that can be fixed this is it for me. This is my lot in life and I’m absolutely fucking sick of it. So why can’t I just die?
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