patchlessworld

[patchlessworld]

a lot of people talk about the trauma they've been through, people leaving them etc.

but when im literally hurting so many people, making people literally cry bc of me... do i even belong in any community? i wish i could just blame on bullies, blame on parents and be the victim, but in reality i'm the one causing all these pain. then who am i to blame for? i can't get angry at anyone, i can't curse at anyone saying they ruined my life.

i ruined everyone's life.

and i can only live with this guilt. i can't even join those people who can actually accuse others of hurting them. i don't belong in the hurt. yet i don't belong in the blessed either.

#patchless

[patchlessworld]

the constant realisation that i’d die for them but they definitely will not die for me because that’s just normal behaviour

#patchless

[patchlessworld]

if someone asks me how’s my mental state/quality of life being, i honestly don’t know cuz while i feel slightly more stable than before, im not sure if this state of “normal” is actually acquired in exchanged for:

dropping out of high school and currently being a NEET

not going outside at all except for family gatherings, sunday mass, therapy and stuff, basically i was brought outside by my parents but never wished (therapy as well, i never wanted to go)

unfollowing all the “friends” (i hope it’s called friends) on social media so i won’t know what they’re doing and who they’re with, and therefore won’t get triggered by their happy personal life with their best friends

little to no contact with any acquaintances/“friends” i used to have

either watching youtube, anime, reading or playing video games all day and being the total opposite of productive

what i’m trying to say is, i don’t know if this current “calm” state i have for most of the time, is actually just due to the fact that nothing will trigger me cuz i literally stay in my room at most times, no one messages me, i have no idea what everyone else / the whole world is doing, and i’m a social failure with no job, no education or training, and also no interaction with anyone (known or new) except my family

i literally live like a corpse. i basically disconnected from the rest of the world. nice.

ps when i add the quotation marks for “friends”, it isn’t about fake friends and stuff, it’s just im so unsure about the definition of the term “friend” so for every “friend” i use that quotation mark because i’ve never been sure for my whole life if friend’s the right word to describe that certain relationship. i’m not being sarcastic when i say “friend”, and it’s not about the “they’re my friend but they seem fake” thing. it’s not about anyone, but my blurred definition of the noun. just wanted to clarify.

#quality of life #mental state #disconnected #neet #patchless

[patchlessworld]

(cw vent)

bpd culture is omg i hurt them omg i hurt them they said i hurt them i cant do this anymore im a terrible person i hurt them i hurt them i hurt them

and then apologizing over and over again and having to fight the urge to beg them not to leave bc yk thats smth that would upset them and they were already upset abt having to reassure u a lot

bpd culture is lashing out when they were gone for too long and hurting them and being mean on purpose

we're fine now we fixed things but i still cant get over it. i didnt mean to hurt them and now i feel like the worst person ever

bpd culture is why am i like this why cant i js manage my emotions correctly

-🌈🫧

.

[patchlessworld]

something is wrong/off about me, i can tell. obviously if someone destroys themselves and wish to die on a daily basis, they certainly have some kind of problem with their mental state.

but i still say “I don’t have any mental illness”. and that is true too.

because none of those diagnoses so far seem correct. (before i proceed, i completely understand that self-diagnosis, no matter diagnosing with a disorder or claiming to have none, isn’t the best way to go about these things. not to say it’s not valid, i know that it helps to figure out when to get professional help. and i understand that it’s not just some info on the internet that it takes to diagnose someone, and those info could be wrong anyway. BUT-) i sometimes search the diagnoses i have/have had, read a wiki page or something, but i never have been able to feel that it makes sense to be diagnosed with those disorders.

i’m talking about when i read the requirements for the diagnosis, like absolutely must require kinda symptoms, i don’t meet said requirements. i know that not every case is the same, and not everyone has to have the same symptoms to be diagnosed. but i assume that though there may be differences, i should at least meet the criteria for them, right? it’s usually said that “if the person meets (insert number) of following criteria for (insert period) amount of time/during some period of time…” then, and only then can they be diagnosed with _____ disorder.

but for me, i don’t meet the required amount of items. it’s like the fucking “im sad so i must have depression” thing, except im not even sad?? only some of the symptoms are relatable, and not even over half of the required symptoms. i know im explaining this in a weird way, cuz i’m like counting numbers now, but it just doesn’t make any sense if i don’t feel like any of those symptoms/requirements, yet they keep diagnosing me with this and that. yes, multiple diagnoses, but all of each is the same — i don’t even think i meet the minimum criteria to get diagnosed.

then, what is wrong with me?

ha, who knows. im probably just someone who doesn’t have any sort of mental disorder, and im just not suitable to live, for some reason. im a betrayer, now that’s something i feel absolutely sure about.

#patchless

[patchlessworld]

with specific examples and detailed explanations

date idea: u tell me exactly how u feel about me in specific detail until my brain calms down and stops thinking u hate me

[patchlessworld]

In my “no one cares and it’s whatever I’m never opening up again” era

[patchlessworld]

BPD culture is questioning why your FP never has the energy to pay attention to you when you waited ALL DAY to talk to them :(

-🫀

.

[patchlessworld]

i wanna push everyone away from me so i can kill myself alone without anyone noticing

[patchlessworld]

i need to go back to be the quiet me (like really quiet doesn’t speak a word throughout whole dinner / gathering) like a year or half a year ago. i need to remember that NO ONE FREAKING CARES ESPECIALLY FOR WHAT I SAY NO ONE CARES. just because your mom laughed at one of your jokes doesn’t mean that all of a sudden everyone will start listening to you. stfu. do not say a word. no one will listen to you, no matter on what topic, what opinion you’re expressing, if you have any interesting experience etc. no one will listen, because you are YOU.

#no one cares #ignored #no one listens #patchless

[patchlessworld]

avpd + bpd culture is hating psych2go every second you see their videos. like yea fuck u psych2go ur videos r not helping anyone!! –🐹☘️

Yeah we hate seein their videos pop up online 😒

[patchlessworld]

me going to a place where i can get ignored by someone i wish to connect with and see them chatting with others

questioning bpd is triggering yourself on purpose to feel something

-☆

.

[patchlessworld]

then i will fall into an endless loop of apologising

bpd math :

slight change in the tone of their voice = they hate me and wish i was dead

[patchlessworld]

if taking these damn pills annoys me, should i even keep taking them daily? not the chemicals, it’s not about side effects. the fact that I have to take them annoys me, sometimes to a point where i start feeling angry and aggressive and start throwing things. should i even take them, if taking them makes me hate myself more?

i don’t know how effective they are to my mental health and recovery, all i know is that this action contributes to more negative emotions which can get extreme, just like what happened just now when my mom found out i threw them away and watched me take them, and after she’s gone i threw my mouse multiple times and broke it

#mental health #medication #take your pills #rage #aggressive behavior #violence #patchless

[patchlessworld]

There are two reasons why I don’t attend gatherings or leave my house to see people i wanna see:

1. to avoid panicking on the streets and causing trouble to others, including random strangers, people in restaurants, and people with me like my family or acquaintances

2. those are places and people that my parents don’t want me to go to or hang out with, or that they want me to join their gatherings instead

so even if it’s someone who has come back from other countries, and they are people who i wanna meet (not necessarily people i know personally), i’m just gonna not go at all. i hate myself, i hate my awkward and cowardly and scared-of-people ass, i don’t hate my parents cuz they are very nice and it’s probably just me being wrong and knowing bad people.

ps dont mistake me as having social anxiety, cuz i am not diagnosed and will not get diagnosed, according to my psychiatrist’s professional opinion, thank you

#never leaving my house again #socially awkward #hikikomori #social withdrawal #self hatred #patchless

[patchlessworld]

i feel like i’m too mentally ill to have good things happen in my life

[patchlessworld]

“i wanna go home”

— me, literally sitting on my bed at home

#what even is this feeling #patchless