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This is the Tumblr hug 🫂🤍 Please pass it on to as many mutuals as you want to brighten someone’s day! ❤️

💛🌻

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Casper 🐾♥️ 2010–2024

These past few months have altered the trajectory of my life indelibly. Things you were always scared of can happen, and so can those that you never imagined. I have now lived through both.

Casper in kaffan | Casper's body being escorted away | Casper's grave is beyond that fence

Casper passed away on Wednesday evening after two weeks of rapidly deteriorating health. He had been fussy with food and was losing weight for a while now--my brother thought it was a sign of aging, mama thought it was his dental issues again but none of us imagined that he was fighting for his life. Last Saturday his vet said that he may be suffering from FIP (Feline Infectious Peritonitis), also known as cat coronavirus. Cats are exposed to it sometime in their life and when the virus mutates, there is nothing you can do. Casper was a perfectly healthy, indoor cat. His first blood test came back normal. The vet put him on IV fluids and it felt like he would be okay because after that visit he ate a bit, groomed himself and even seemed playful. I was hopeful he would recover from whatever was ailing him. However, things deteriorated over the weekend when he threw up blood and wasn't able to use his litter box. We were back to see the vet on Monday to have fluid drained from his abdomen as his x-rays showed a steady build-up. The vet kept the fluid in case we chose to have it tested but told us it wasn't a good sign and the prognosis was not good. I prayed so much that he would somehow survive, that if he was in pain, it would end and he would be blessed with complete shifa—we all did. Between Hasan and I, we read all we could about FIP and the experimental drug that exists but is not FDA-approved. I asked the doctor to send the fluid for analysis so we can know if we might be able to do something for him but he left us before his results came back. The report showed early signs of liver failure and heart disease. We don't really know his official diagnosis.

His last few nights with us were so painful to watch. I came back home and slept in the living room with him so I could be there in case he got sick. He drank so much water and threw up a lot. Casper was super picky about cleanliness—he refused to eat in a bowl that hadn't been washed. I cried a lot when I had to wash his paws because he was too weak to do so himself. He chose to go on his own terms and didn't burden us with having to euthanize him. We always thought Casper would live for 18-20 years like an indoor cat is supposed to, in fact I planned for it. He was my baby, but we plan and Allah plans and His plans are better.

If you don't have a pet, you will not understand any of it. People can treat animals very poorly. I remember stories from back home of dogs being kicked and shot; cats being shooed away or mishandled. Casper taught us what loving an animal really means. It's been three days since he passed away. I know what I'm supposed to believe. I know what Islam says but my heart is shattered. The irony is that even on the day he passed, I attended a workshop on grief and adjustment through a trauma informed lens for an entirely different reason. I just didn't know that I would need to apply it to something else too. My manager told me to take the next two days to focus on Casper because I broke down in his office. I texted the family group chat all day checking on him, asking if he ate, used the litter box, if he was okay. I kept telling Hasan and papa not to talk hopelessly because he would sense it if we were giving up on him. We had to remain positive for him. 

Casper was my heart. He was a regular feature on my old blog. From his cute habits to his antics, he kept us all entertained for 13.5 years. He was the 3rd child, or as I liked to call him, baby 2.5. He came to live with us when he was only 8-weeks old. We used to joke that he doesn't live in our house, we live in his. He was so spoiled. He used to nap in front of the fireplace. We would leave it on for him in the winter. Mama used to heat up his food for 8-seconds before giving it to him and would say bismillah three times and pet his head before he would eat. Papa would clean his litter box every two-days because he would not use it otherwise. From his four different cat beds, he still preferred to sleep on mine even though I wasn't there. He spent the majority of his time in my room during his last two weeks with us. Leaving him behind was the hardest decision I had to make and I missed him everyday. I came over every weekend to see him. Now that he is gone, I can't sleep in that room or on that bed. It's too painful without him purring and cuddling with me. The whole house feels empty. We all feel as if he'll come around the corner anytime and ask us to pick him up or feed him. 

We all cried so much, Casper. You don't know what you meant to us or maybe you did, which is why you tried to make everyone happy on the last day you were with us. Cats tend to isolate completely when they’re close to passing but you let us remain close to you because you knew we needed it—maybe you did too. You went to see papa upstairs in his bedroom before he left for work because you knew it was the last time he'd see you alive. We all wonder how you made it upstairs at all because you could barely walk. You slow-blinked at mama to let her know it was okay when you almost slipped from her grasp coming down the stairs because you were so weak. You let Hasan pet you. And most of all you waited for me to come see you after work…  I had barely taken off my jacket and come to you before I realized you weren't breathing right. Your pupils had dilated and your tongue was sticking out as you tried to breathe. We called your vet who told us to take you to the emergency pet hospital. I quickly wrapped you in your favourite blanket. I know you didn't like going outside and it was -30°C that evening. But before we had even turned the corner of our street, you took your last breath in my arms. Hasan ran upstairs to cry when we came back inside. I called papa who was on his way home. Mama was crying. We laid you down in front of the fireplace in your favourite bed. Your heart was still beating even though you weren't breathing. The Isha azaan started and your heart stopped too… along with a huge part of mine. 

You were with me for 40% of my life, Casper, and knew everything. You were my best friend, the one who stayed with me when I was sick, the one who cuddled with me as I cried, the one who kept my secrets, the one who witnessed every phase of my life, helped write my thesis, mend my broken heart, gave me hope and strengthened my faith. After losing X a few months ago, I had given up on everything. The state of the world with Gaza on fire didn't help either. Everywhere I looked, I saw devastation. Nothing felt good or right. I was living on auto-pilot. I deleted my blog too. My only comfort was you and now you're gone too. 

Everywhere I look now, I see you. We keep finding your fur everywhere, your old toys, the name tag you never wore, your whole medical file, your food bowls and beds. I have 10,000+ photos of you because you’re all I took photos of. You didn't talk but your love was unconditional. Love between humans can hurt with words or actions but your love only came with goodness and without reproach. We had so many names for you—Casper, Capu, Capi, Chowdhury saab (papa's favourite)—you responded to all of them. You were a bit cross eyed and your white paws, nose spot and ear cut made you truly adorable. You loved creamy dairy treats, ras malai and mango-flavoured desserts though you were not interested in any other human food. You prayed with mama and I, listened to the Qur'an, and fasted with us for 13 years in Ramadan. I don't care what anyone says; you were a Muslim cat. I couldn't imagine cremating you even though that's common for pets here. If it was summer, we would have buried you in our backyard but Allah heard me and you found a place in the ground. The workers were so kind when they heard we had brought our pet. You got a special escort in the back of a service truck. The night before we buried you was the hardest to get through because we wrapped you in a white pillowcase and laid you outside in your favourite bed to preserve your body in the cold. At -23°C, it was colder than the freezer. You didn't like the cold. I visit your grave every day because I miss you so much. I haven't slept properly in days and my right eye hurts constantly. If given a choice on any of my prayers being accepted, I would choose to bring you back. Please know that you were truly loved. So many people miss you, even those that only met you once or twice. So many have sent flowers that our house may as well be a garden. I imagine even better for you in jannah.    I know you're in jannah in the largest kitty palace Allah made for you, with an all-you-can-eat treat buffet. I hope you're happy and I pray I reunite with you soon, inshaAllah. Please forgive us if we ever hurt you and made you unhappy in any way. Thank you for loving me so much that you waited for me even on your last day. I will never forget you.

#my photos #casper #i didn't know hasan took a photo of him after death but im thankful for it now

[qalbtalk]

It's a bittersweet feeling going through the exported content of my old blog.

#memories

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Visit from the desktop for the full experience!

#urdu #qalbtalk

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qalbtalk substack ka aik naya section "shairy" k naam se jahan main apne pasandeeda shayaroon ki ghazlain aur nazmain share karoon gi. yeh section sirf web link k zariye hi accessible hai. archive, main publication, ya email k zariye nahi.

link: qalbtalk's mehfil e mushaira

iss naye section ka "qalbtalk k khat" se koi taluq nahi. woh silsila email subscriptions k zariye barqarar rahe ga.

#urdu #shairy #substack

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aap beyhad khubsurati se likhti hen. har ehsas, jazba, tarap mehsus hoti hai. yun lgta he jese men khud kahani men maujud hoon. aapki kitab ka intezar rahe ga.

tareef ka tah-e-dil se shukriya. mere alfaaz koi parhta hai aur iss qadar mehsoos karta hai mere liye kisi aizaaz se kam nahi. kitab bhi inshaAllah jald shaye karoon gi.

#asks #anon

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tehreer se iqtibaas

بات کرتے بلکل یہ محسوس نہیں ہوتا تھا کہ ہماری پروریش دو الگ ممالک میں ہوئی۔ اکثر محمد رفیع کی غزلوں اور لتا کی سروں سے واقفیت انہیں کی بدولت ہوتی۔ ان کے خطوط کے ذریعےمیں نے کئی ممالک کی سیر کی۔ میری کیئ شاعروں سے ملاقات ہوئی۔

baat karte yeh bilkul mehsoos nahi hota tha k humari parwarish dou alag mumalik main huwi. aqsar muhammad rafi ki ghazloon aur lata k suroon se wakfiyat unhi ki badolat hoti. unke khatoot k zariye maine kayi mulkoon ki sayr ki. meri kayi shayaroon se mulaqaat huwi.

#urdu #shairy #munir niazi #my letters #my writing #substack

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I loved your blog! Glad to see you’re back. Why’d you move to Substack? I subscribed btw <3

Thank you so much! 🧡 Tumblr gave me my start so it’ll always hold a special place in my heart. Substack is a stepping stone to my next destination for a few reasons:

1. I’m serious about publishing and it’s a platform that takes me one step closer to that, inshaAllah. I’m working on two Urdu books so I’m building the runway for that journey.

2. It gives me a chance to work on long-form content. The letters take a while to write and allow me to delve deeper into ideas. They’re also more personalized. I plan on sharing more of myself through them, and more or less know who they’re going out to, which is harder on Tumblr because of how open the platform is. I never truly know who is following from where, which brings me to…

3. I want more one-on-one interaction. Whoever receives the letter in their inbox has a chance to reply to it directly or leave a comment. I’ve already had some wonderful interactions. I want to build out those friendships, inshaAllah. Sure, there is still a website for everyone else to read and comment too but subscriptions really help build a community.

#asks #anon #substack

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A huge THANK YOU to those who have subscribed. Six countries—wow—it’s so humbling to know that my words are cared for and loved beyond my little corner of the world. I appreciate the time and space you give me in your inbox. It means so much to me.

#qalbtalk ka khat #substack

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I'm happy you are back.

We never talked but i loved your blogggg.

One of the best blog here.

Khush rahain. Abad rahy. :)

JazakAllah khair for your kind message. I pray the same for you.

I’ll be more active on Substack. I hope you will consider subscribing. There’s a free and paid option, whichever you are comfortable with.

If you want to read more about the kinds of things I’m writing about, please see this post: qalbtalk ka khat.

Also, reach out in the comments of any of my write-ups, whether to share your thoughts or just to talk, even if we never spoke before. 🌻

#asks #anon

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The first 💌 is now live. You can read it at the link above. It is written in Urdu script and Roman Urdu and includes an audio recording if you prefer to listen rather than read.

An excerpt:

#urdu #shairy #parveen shakir #my writing #my letters #substack

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#substack #urdu #writing

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why you deactivate old account??

It was time to let go.

#asks #anon

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Thank you for 10+ years of love and readership. It made it less lonely. You can follow the next phase of my journey on Substack @ sanaiqbal.

#personal #qalbtalk #substack #urdu #writing