route10archives

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This happens every s i n g l e time I stop having an external reason to see someone. Every time a quarter or semester ends, I cease to have any contact with the people in my classes. I recognize that I'm the other half of initiation, but they're not the ones trying to minmax their texts trying their hardest not to sound as desperate as I am.

Hell, I even go to college with a couple people from high school. It's been three years and they hardly say hi to me. There are only two people I talk to from HS, and one of them is my partner. I got so many people's contact info, which was a major feat for me. No one hits me up. No one responds. The worst part is, I both knew this would happen and had no reason to suspect it would. Some of my closest buddies in HS just... stopped talking. A few even remained in the same city as me. They knew I wasn't going anywhere.

Only through the medium of the internet am I able to be more authentic. I post my musings on here and my shitty jokes on main. I lunge for any scrap of human interaction I can, while still not really... being good at it. That's kind of all I am. The countless hours I pour into video games? That's just filler, the same filler as inst*gr*m scrolling. The MTG decks I make? Purely for use with other people, purely as an excuse to interact. All the stories I write, code I write, projects I make... they mean nothing to me unless I can show them to someone.

It was only after I looked around, saw people with "lifelong friends," and realized I had... none, that I realized I would forever be trapped in this competitive matchmaking system of social viability. What tier am I?

Bottom fucking tier.

a bottom-tier autistic experience is being told throughout your entire childhood that you are just an overthinker when it comes to social situations and later finding out that your friends did, in fact, hate being around you and tried to communicate that through weird little hints

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Same, homie, I gotchu.

YOU'RE A COOL CHICK, KEEP BEING AWESOME YO

It would do alot for me if someone could validate my existence.

#I mean it #just cuz we're shit right now doesn't mean we always will be #just cuz we're doing “better” doesn't mean this is the new norm #just cuz we're not where we wanna be doesn't mean we can't limp a lil further

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So many of my friends are hotttt. My social anxiety gets in the way of asking or even coming close to it. Now that I got my tubes tied, this is even more plausible, and even more tantalizingly out of reach.

i think that friend sex should be more normalized. If you’ve had a bad day let me eat you out or cum inside you platonically ofc <3

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I need to write but I have too many half-ideas. I can't even start writing if I don't know how it starts. They're just abandoned in my brain, floating around and keeping me from working on what I actually need to do

i wanna write but i have zero ideas and i suck at writing

#lavender tower #lavender town #writing

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your friends love you, your brain is just mean

[route10archives]

Schrodinger's abandonment is something I struggle with every single day. Someone stops talking to me; did they leave me for good, or perhaps they don't like me, or are they too busy right now, or are they in such a bad state that they can't/don't want to respond?

I've been ghosted a fair few times, and every single time it drives me into a sleepless depressive spiral. People have ignored me for days, months, and some for years. It never feels any better. It just reinforces my view that I'm shit at interacting with people. I can't keep friends because they all end up leaving eventually. This has to be my fault, what else could it be?

Occasionally, someone else will convince me that it isn't my fault. When I'm next alone, their proof seems to crumble. All I can do is listen to me, and that guy sucks. I'm so unbearable I hate being around myself.

My advice? The advice I wish I could take, all the time? If things didn't end explicitly poorly with the person in question (e.g. spoken/written grievances), then don't worry about reconciliation. For as long as there's no proof you did a specific thing wrong, you are innocent.

If you can't control what you think/worry about, then my condolences. I know how it goes.

One of my best friends stopped talking to me. Pride, worry and the innate need to find out what I might have done are warring. I'm not sure whether reconciliation is on the cards...Why does this hurt so much?

#i of all people shouldn't be saying “just find another friend” #but that doesnt stop it from being the useless abstract pompous thing I want to say #what i can do is say you can hit me up #friendo #lavender tower #lavender town #depression #anxiety #social anxiety #friends #abandonment

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It's been a while since I've been "offered a hand," so I'm at a loss for what to do. Even if I had a real, confident response, I wouldn't know how to interpret it. I've had people tell me "I'm here to listen," "I'm here for you," "Don't hesitate to ask," etc. I know they're offering something resembling an invitation to talk, but to what extent? For how long? When? Everyone's patience will run out eventually, everyone will have to step away at some point. It's unreasonable to ask someone to listen for hours, and to give their full attention. I know that. But where does the spectrum of reasonability end? They may not listen for hours, but could they listen for 30 minutes? 10? One message, and they're off again? I don't know.

This is not meant to make a pariah out of you and your response, @imposter-imposter-ad-infinitum. I know your reblog comes with sincerity, since you don't know me and had no external reason to say what you did. The sincerity isn't a problem, rather, it's nice to hear. The issue is with my own inability to interpret it correctly, or at all. I'm just extending this to a general case, applicable to the past 8 years of my life.

(Not exactly a diary blog, not not a diary blog. This collection is a functional archive of whatever I haven't told the people around me, so that they may understand me after I'm gone. Main, side, vent, spam blogs, whatever, it's still the same person behind them. That's what differentiates things to me.)

Being "meek," "shy," or "quiet" does not come naturally to me. It's not instinct, it's a response. Normally, I'd love to be talkative, outgoing, and assertive, but given any amount of time, I will find a reason not to.

I can do the stock "self-deprecating fool" play quite often, which is to not speak up when a question is asked of a group that I'm a part of. My reasoning will be "no one wants my opinion anyways." When someone doesn't call on me specifically, I can then know "see? No one wanted to hear me." despite the crowd being large, or the time being limited.

I will always caution myself against being too assertive. I figure I'm already pushing the limits of my friends' hospitality by just being here. I've developed heuristics to keep me in check. I want to say everything that's on my mind. In a group of 4 or more people, by the time I have the confidence to speak up, the message I'm commenting on will no longer be the topic.

It may look like I'm not talkative. I am extremely talkative, I just know that people don't want to listen to me. Who would? Just read my posts. These aren't actually easy to stomach, I'd assume. This is the shit I feel the need to talk about. Sometimes I'll be extra enthusiastic about Pokemon or MTG and want to talk for hours about that. Sometimes I'll talk about anything I can, just to make someone want to stay longer. That's usually not how it works, though. They leave quick just the same. They don't text me just the same.

#same person different blog #amigo #p.s. i totally saw “all that” u cant stop me

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Shit's hard, friend. I get it. I refuse to tell anyone I know IRL about the less socially acceptable things I do, have done, and intend to do.

I certainly would like all my friends to know I'm depressed more often than is healthy, but I don't want them thinking I'm seeking attention (I am, but I'll get attention through honest means) or thinking that I'm more of a burden than I already am (like they have to treat me as a chore to check up on).

I would love to explain to everyone I meet that I'm incredibly socially anxious, but I don't want that to be my entire personality to them.

I want to explain away my leg bouncing, executive dysfunction, lack of eye contact, literal interpretations, and lack of understanding of social cues by saying "I believe I am autistic and/or have ADHD." The problem is that I don't know if I do. I haven't been tested, only peer-reviewed. I don't want to appropriate or misrepresent if I'm not.

I'd like to give into my self-harming tendencies, and experiment and explore what it gives me, what I need, and what I can do. The problem is that I've seen how permanent the scars are, and I can't afford to let anyone know. If they knew, their instinct would be to call over someone who can handle it better, and that person is even less likely to treat me as anything more than a volatile statistic to be suppressed. All I can do is stick to using needles.

Life would be simpler if I could just explain why I'm consistently passively suicidal, and occasionally actively so. I can't trust anybody to both keep this info to themselves, and not interfere. Everyone I know would tell me "don't do it, life is ___" but I've already seen what life is for myself. I've made my decisions. Decisions may change, but not because of whatever canned optimism someone "gifted" me. I fear I'd get locked up if I let slip how much I'm not enjoying life.

I want people to know. I want to talk about these things with someone. It just can't be someone who can stop me.

please i just want to hurt show everyone how bad it is but then theyll take away my freedom and stop trusting me either way it hurts and thephysical visible pain is easier

#lavender town #lavender tower

[route10archives]

'Sup, I'm Lavender

I have several other blogs for more important things, all of my pursuits have been organized. My thoughts on my life are now categorized (or should I say, archived) among monikers depicting pokemon graveyards. Anything I have to say should be able to fit in one of those buckets.

So I thought. I've been so caught up in useless depression and loneliness that I failed to recognize that I may want to interact with others. Crazy shit, right? Especially for someone as desperate for human contact as I am.

So here's my blog dedicated to reblogs, discourse, and just... people stuff. Feel free to actually message me in any format, anywhere. Just because I categorize my posts doesn't mean I want to categorize people.

Main: Lavender Tower

#lavender tower #lavender town #intro #intro post