saint-aryll

[saint-aryll]

everyone knows i am being abused. no one cares.

#abuse #cptsd #trauma #abuse tw

[saint-aryll]

NOBODY CARES WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. NONE OF IT MATTERS I NEED TO STAY SILENT FOREVER

#my posts #cptsd

[saint-aryll]

hi again

im my own problem

i have always been irredeemably and fundamentally bad

i will never be good

its always been my fault and always will be

whatever it is, i deserved it

[saint-aryll]

[saint-aryll]

finally finished a cruel god reigns and that shit broke my heart... the way jeremy is so insistent throughout the second half of the manga that he is incapable of love and unsure of what it even is while pouring love into marjorie and valentine and even people like ian and nadia... he wants to feel as though he is nothing, as though he is heartless and evil and a being solely capable of malice and sin while still completely pouring himself out for anyone in need of help. i fully expected him to never get better, but the more i reflect on it, the more i realized he absolutely should have.

[saint-aryll]

#polls #psychology

[saint-aryll]

i think the thing that is frustrating me is like... i feel like im catching up with everyone else. everyone is pursuing the things they want, everyone is making progress, and what am i? what am i? i haven't gotten better in years. im still the same lonesome little fucked up kid i was 20 years ago.

#my posts #trauma

[saint-aryll]

fucking hell. hi everyone, its been six months and im back with another depression post :)

#this one got sparked by... #checks notes #realizing my trauma has set me apart from others severely and not wanting to really join back into society despite it

[saint-aryll]

also the worst part about it all isn't the current shit, it's realizing that i have been in this pain for decades. i was a kid and i was being hurt like this. i thought i was just really good at forgiveness.

#cptsd #trauma #abuse tw #gaslighting #my posts

[saint-aryll]

good christ and big surprise, It didnt show up for the past two months because i was too busy getting fucked up and sick

[saint-aryll]

i have been gaslit my whole life to hate myself and think im the one who's always causing problems. its not my fault and it never was. the people who should have been there to support me and care for me were too busy blaming everything they felt bad about on me to do so

#my posts #cptsd #abuse tw #gaslighting #trauma

[saint-aryll]

i just wish someone would tell me about myself. who am i. what am i like. am i worth anything at all

#my posts #derealization #trauma #cptsd

[saint-aryll]

i shouldn't be idealizing the concept of dying and leaving people behind. i know it would hurt the people who care about me. but the idea of being gone forever is so enticing

#my posts

[saint-aryll]

when ur trying to have a good time on christmas but the suicidal ideation jumps out

#my posts

[saint-aryll]

Alejandra Pizarnik, tr. by Yvette Siegert, “The Posessed Among the Lilacs”, Extracting the Stone of Madness: Poems 1962 - 1972

#poetry #words

[saint-aryll]

my memory is getting worse and worse and im afraid ill have to start writing things down before i forget it all

#cptsd #my posts #amnesia

[saint-aryll]

i think i might be destined to be alone. and maybe solitude isn't so bad after all.