self-humsafar

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"Man shouldn't be able to see his own face- there's nothing more sinister. Nature gave him the gift of not being able to see it, and of not being able to stare into his own eyes.

Only in the water of rivers and ponds could he look at his face. And the very posture he had to assume was symbolic; he had to bend over, stoop down, to commit the ignominy of beholding himself.

The inventor of the mirror poisoned the human heart. "

- Fernando Pessoa

the way 'humbling and looking at yourself and being accountable for one's own wrong doing' is symbolised through bending over and stooping down has me on chokehold...because some people really do need to humble themselves :⁠-⁠)

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at the end of the day, girlhood is writing apologies to oneself in the notes app at 2 in the morning with clenched jaws and burning eyes, and you can never make me believe otherwise.

girlhood is being 17 and wondering where the gods are and if they really are. girlhood is being 5 and seeing your father as the only man who can protect you. girlhood is being 25 and wondering if you can ever stop yourself from becoming your father. girlhood is violent unaddressed rage. girlhood is tenderness. girlhood is hating being misunderstood, and girlhood is not trying anymore for anything that refuses to be understood. girlhood is looking into the mirror and immediately wiping your tears because it feels unreal. girlhood is everything ugly as much as it’s beautiful, and you can stop fooling yourself to believe being a girl and being a woman is anything less real than blood and bones.

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i wish i could disappear like i never existed

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...wait a minute...

YOU!

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One of things I love most about Leigh Bardugo's books is her focus on the violence committed against women and girls. In Shadow and Bone, there's Genya and Alina. Both have been manipulated by the Darkling and exploited, Alina for her power, and Genya for her beauty. Genya was repeatedly raped by the king and the Darkling refused to help her because he wanted to use her as a spy. The Darkling and the Apprart saw Alina and her powers as a way to push their agendas and gain power.

In Six of Crows, there's Inej and Mayra Hendriks. Inej has sold into human trafficking as a young teen and suffered abuse from men. Even when Kaz rescues her from Tante Heleen, she is still bound to Per Haskell. Then in Crooked Kingdom, she is kidnapped by Van Eck and starved and threatened with torture. Mayra Hendriks, Wylan's mother, was put into an asylum by her husband for having a child with a disability.

King of Scars explores Zoya's character more and we learn that she was almost a child bride to a pedophile, and was then manipulated by the Darkling when her aunt rescued her by taking her to the Little Palace. Nina discovers the full extent of the misogyny in Fjerda in these books too. She finds the Fjerdan Grisha women, who are being drugged and forced to have children for the government. Through Hanne and Nina's experiences with Jarl Brum, we see how men like him confine women and their femininity into a rigid box.

In Ninth House, Alex has suffered so much at the hands of men. Len, her ex-boyfriend, was abusive to her. Eitan the drug dealer also exploited Alex for her ability to use the strength of Grays. There were also the women like Tara who are murdered for greed and power. Mercy and Hellie are two young women who were raped by powerful men.

I am sure that I have forgotten some characters and I apologize for that. Violence against girls and women is something that tends to get swept under the rug, so to speak, and I am glad that Leigh Bardugo touches on this topic repeatedly in her books.

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"Not all men"

You're right, Calvin Evans would never.

#lessons in chemistry #calvin evans #elizabeth zott #brie larson #lewis pullman

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fatima aamer bilal, excerpt from moony moonless sky’s i can't be loved, swallowed or digested. must i make myself smaller?

this thought was unceasing: somewhere must be home. / the spine-folding need to belong was woven into my skin. no amount of clawing could ever get it out. / it scared me that even at my very best, i wouldn’t be able to stop myself from being fond of the tearing. isn’t mauling touch? / the warmth of a hand close to you, right before it tears you apart, is something. / you’re always welcome in my kitchen. / i store all the love in my flesh. won’t you take a bite? / skin me to my last bone, draw out the marrow till it is gone. / (save me from my heritage. i wonder if violence is all i have inherited?) / i am not beautiful like a pomegranate, but i could be. skin is skin; all that it hides was never pretty, so don’t worry about getting your hands bloody. / i had seen it firsthand with the people around me: it was safe to think that if jay wasn’t bleeding to death, he would have tried his absolute best to be friends with the knife jabbed in his back. / how we become a vessel of need was beyond me. "let me be of service," i say to everything in particular. / i always keep band-aids in my bag, just in case someone needs them. / actually, to be called upon. to hear my name softly. to be needed. to be required. to be wanted. / wasn’t i just praying on others to get hurt so that they could need me? / might as well be the sharp object that hurt them in the first place. / but i can’t be helped. i hang from every word of affirmation with a rope around my neck.

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If you see this you’re legally obligated to reblog and tag with the book you’re currently reading

#a study in drowning #ava reid

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leaving 2023 with discovering sasha alex sloan's music and entering 2024 with unhealed childhood trauma.

#its like when charlize theron said girls dont heal #yes we don't #sasha alex sloan #older #2024

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Taylor really wrote "give me back my girlhood, it was mine first" and expected me to not burst into flames immediately

#taylor swift #swifties #being a girl #girlhood #wouldve couldve shouldve #midnights #girl rage #feminine urge #i'm just a girl

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#web weaves #web weaving #the invisible life of addie larue #addie larue #taylor swift #evermore #right where you left me #all too well #red vault #charles bukowski

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what they dont tell you about growing up as a very lonely little girl is that you grow up and still a part of you remains that very lonely little girl

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my mum just called "scrolling on Tumblr" "scrumbling"

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#web weaving #web weaves #girlhood #being a girl #taylor swift #would've could've should've #halsey #rule of wolves #genya safin #zoya nazyalensky #king of scars #lyrics

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its so cute how desiblr immediately united within a few hours of chandrayaan 3 landing and made it trending hehe AS WE SHOULD

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Nina Zenik and Jesper Fahey turning Ketterdam to Ketterdamn ever since *insert date they came into Ketterdam*.

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Me pretending to be in my pink phase with the Barbie movie as if pink isn't already my personality

#pink obsessed #just girl things #barbie #greta gerwig #margot robbie #barbie 2023