speakercrab666

[speakercrab666]

just looked up a song on spotify to add it to my playlist and immediately after it in the search results was a playlist called ‘divorced aussie dad tunes’ and there was so much nickelback on it. no no no i am not becoming my father not today no sir.

#he’s not divorced buttttttttt #give it a minute #and listen do i take music recs from my dad? yes i do he generally has a good taste in music #GENERALLY. key word. #but this playlist had what about me by shannon noll on it #which my father has quoted RELENTLESSLY for the entire 22 years of my life #i can’t remember a time before what about me by shannon noll #and that is too far #i can become cool 80s rock version of my father #BUT WHAT ABOUT ME BY SHANNON NOLL VERSION OF MY FATHER. IS TOO FAR. #my father is BALD guys BALD. #i need to go listen to nicki minaj STAT #cleanse my mind palace #el has a life

[speakercrab666]

just changed my username to something objectively more homestucky than my homestuck blog. just couldn’t stop thinking about speaker crab man. i’m embracing it.

gnarly

#el has a life #man don’t put me on speaker crab

[speakercrab666]

once again begging my stepson to find god. someone has to answer for this.

literally 3:58am as i write this cat has just taken a shit so stinky i am suffocating in the stench from the DIAGONAL OPPOSITE END OF THE HOUSE. litter box next to an OPEN DOOR far corner of the house my room literally is in the opposite corner. know exactly whodunnit too. not my little angel. oh no no. he’s been knocked the fuck out in the same exact spot next to me since 11:00pm. it’s my fucking STEPSON, AND I CAN HEAR HIM NOT-BURYING IT (SCRATCHING FRANTICALLY ON PLASTIC WALLS OF LITTER BOX AS IF CONTRIBUTING ANY MANNER OF CHANGE TO THE UNIVERSE ASIDE FROM GRADUAL EROSION OF LITTER BOX STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY) AS I TYPE THESE VERY WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuming.

#my roommate/bff just had to leave her room and come sit on my floor to escape his fucking stink cloud #she was in here for like 20mins and it was STILL STINKY WHEN SHE LEFT #the door is still WIDE OPEN and COULD NOT BE MORE DIRECTLY NEXT TO the litter tray #i live in fear of an orange cat’s bowel movements #el has a life

[speakercrab666]

bro alp just means mountain. i just found this out. they’re just called The Mountains. fuck me are u sure???

#same vibes as ATM machine #i figured The Alps were like named after something #like a place or a white man or something #apparently not #crazy shit man

[speakercrab666]

literally 3:58am as i write this cat has just taken a shit so stinky i am suffocating in the stench from the DIAGONAL OPPOSITE END OF THE HOUSE. litter box next to an OPEN DOOR far corner of the house my room literally is in the opposite corner. know exactly whodunnit too. not my little angel. oh no no. he’s been knocked the fuck out in the same exact spot next to me since 11:00pm. it’s my fucking STEPSON, AND I CAN HEAR HIM NOT-BURYING IT (SCRATCHING FRANTICALLY ON PLASTIC WALLS OF LITTER BOX AS IF CONTRIBUTING ANY MANNER OF CHANGE TO THE UNIVERSE ASIDE FROM GRADUAL EROSION OF LITTER BOX STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY) AS I TYPE THESE VERY WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuming.

#el has a life #i’d say what the fuck is he being fed but it’s exact same food as my boy #yet my boy is not a chemical weapon made illegal by the geneva conventions #orange one obviously #god dude #pop a lactaid jesus christ i’m begging u this is not right

[speakercrab666]

waow! idealises self idealises self idealises self

#in a non destructive way btw #i find it fun to be like why if i had longer hair and hairier face and pointy ears!!!! why i’d be unstoppable!!!!!! #the reason why people can’t (naturally) have pointy ears and devil horns is so god could nerf me specifically #she knew it would make me incredibly annoying to have such an advantage #goodbye my second bag of liquorice bullets in as many days #delectable #el has a life #piccrew

[speakercrab666]

can’t feckin stand hot 22 year olds who look like hot 25 year olds. how come you get to look hot and 25 now and i have to wait til i’m 26. how’s that fair huh?

#i don’t even necessarily want to look hot and 25 i just think it’s unfair #el has a life

[speakercrab666]

was interacting with Purple Guy content on this webbed site and then stuck my hand down the side of my bed and, despite not having been scared of anything fnaf related in years, my brain went OH NO! PURPLE MAN UNDER BED! HE PULL ME UNDER HE KILL ME AND EAT ME! like girl? have u been paying attention? i have wanted to fuck the purple man silly style since the era when his name was Vincent and he looked like this:

do not cite the deep magic to me, witch, i was there when it was posted on tumblr dot com.

#and yes i was reading phone guy x vincent fanfics on wattpad at that time and yes they were so so bad and i knew it #el has a life #fnaf #purple guy #the man behind the slaughter #rebornica #rebornica vincent #phone guy #william afton

[speakercrab666]

my cat smells like shampoo?? source: kissed the top of his little head and caught a whiff so i went in again for a sniff and he smells like he’s just washed his hair

#the image of him sitting on the floor of the shower shampooing just the top of his head like a person #he does like to hang out in the shower sometimes there’s probably just a little residue on the floor or something #silly boy #el has a life

[speakercrab666]

counterpoint: it’s not “he hurt me a lot bc i couldn’t let go” it’s “he hurt me a lot, one time, fearing for his life. i refused to let go bc a minor injury was worth it to save his life.”

it’s knowing that this tiny scared little thing doesn’t know any better than to hurt you, but the pain you’d get by helping him is manageable to you and and it won’t last long. if you don’t help him you won’t get hurt, but he will get hurt without your help, and he can’t take it nearly as well as you can.

Great news everyone. There was a kitten wandering in the drive thru at work and my inner warrior cats kid tried to be a hero and capture him.

I have now suffered multiple puncture wounds and have to go to the emergency room.

#kinda actually mad at that person tho #they thought they were so clever psychoanalysing a stranger over the internet #but they got it all wrong #that’s not being manipulated by a person who hates you into sacrificing yourself for them out of ‘love’ #that’s the ever enduring human instinct to help #that’s the fiercely determined selflessness of humankind #that’s bravery that’s compassion that’s courage that’s LOVE BABY #fuck off with that sad shit. this is not sad. this is BEAUTIFUL. #this is an act of kindness repeated over and over and over again all through history #every day every hour every minute a person sets aside their own comfort for a moment to do something good #and there are shitty people all around us who will take advantage of that wherever they can #but that doesn’t mean that the instinct to help people is the red flag here it’s the shitty fucking people taking advantage of it #there are no red flags in this post #op knows what they can take and they knew the risks they were taking #they took the risk got hurt and went to the ER but they’re glad they did it bc this little kitten is safe now #it’s admirable #u have a kind heart and biteable hands op <3

[speakercrab666]

hey guys

shhh… don’t thank me. i got ur back babygirl 🫡 ahaha…

#don’t ask me what even lead me to this point bc i don’t remember #but here’s a Monster House (2006) themed lawsuit meme i made if ever u should need it #i love it a lot #el has a life #monster house

[speakercrab666]

posting this so i don’t forget to draw tboy swag glow up Miku binder Thomas Jefferson later. it’s important.

#like a 5 years later dealio #og Miku binder jefferson is like that phase u go through when u first come out where u dress like hot shit for a while #and then u figure it out and now ur hot #happens to the best of us #he’s still wearing the Miku binder tho. i said hot not normal. #miku binder thomas jefferson #hamilton #i have the phrase tboy swag stuck in my head #trans shitposting

[speakercrab666]

love avatar roku. gotta be one of my favourite elderly cartoon sexymen.

#atla #avatar the last airbender #avatar roku

[speakercrab666]

OH MY GOD SHUT UP U GUYS I AM THINKING ABOUT DVDS!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD. I LOVE DVDS. DISCS. HOLY SHIT U GUYS. HHHHHHHHHH.

GONNA BUY A PORTABLE DVD PLAYER AND THEN I’M GONNA WATCH BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN!!!!!!!!! I ALREADY HAVE BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN ON DVD BUT I HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET DUE TO NO DVD PLAYER.

AND THEN I’M GONNA FIND MY ROBOTS DVD AND I!!!! AM GOING!!!!!! TO WATCH!!!! ROBOTS!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S THE BEST MOVIE POSSIBLY EVER AND I REFUSE TO WATCH IT ONLINE. IT LIVES ON A DVD!!!

I CAN’T FIND MY ROBOTS DVD RN BUT OH BOY WHEN I DO!!!!! I WON’T BE ABLE TO WATCH IT BC I DON’T HAVE A DVD PLAYER YET. BUT ROBOTS!!!!! EXCITED FOR ROBOTS.

#and then i’m gonna watch my Addams Family dvd from my mum #and iRobot #and Chappie #and i’ll go on a hunt to find The Matrix so i can watch it all the time on my PORTABLE DVD PLAYER #“but u can just watch it on the internet” #okay??????????? #where’s the fucking joy in that????????????????? #no whimsy?? no nostalgia?? #no obsession with the technology of ur childhood that u never got to fully understand before it fell out of use?? #that lived such a short life in the grand scheme of the endless development of technology???? #this beautiful little blip in the history of technology and i get to use it to watch the best movie of all time. Robots (2002). #had to put this on pause for a sec to document my cat stepson giving me the most zooted look #mouth hangin open and everything #he’s a fucking weird cat #orange obviously #incredibly unhinged at all times #very very cute and sweet just the most good tempered cat you’ll ever meet #so so so fucking stupid #SO stupid #afraid of when u adjust ur legs when sitting on the couch to get more comfy #but not afraid of running into literally any and every solid surface he can #he once ran full tilt at my feet seemingly intending to phase right through them #no brace for impact no attack posture no hesitation at all it was like i wasn’t even there #and he was utterly shocked when i #a big lumbering giant #whacked him with my shin right in his skull so hard. like a soccer ball. just THUNK. #that’s a lie he was actually almost entirely unphased aside from looking at me like it was my fault #jesus christ #i’m gonna be so real with u man i forgot what i was doing #fuck me. no more yapping for tonight.

[speakercrab666]

personally victimised by the extremely loud nickelodeon opening at the start of every ATLA episode on netflix

#atla #el has a life

[speakercrab666]

solid advice from either shoulder

[speakercrab666]

i have never once looked up anything even remotely House-related on this site however it is my roommate’s favourite show so i see a lot of it and sorta half jokingly declare my shipping of House and Wilson frequently, bc they’re gay, and some part of my vibe has conveyed that to the tumblr algorithm bc despite it having no reason to do this at all i have seen erotic fanart of House and Wilson. tumblr has brought it to me like a cat with a dead rat.

#i’m so serious #house md #house x wilson #el has a life