stubert87

[stubert87]

I've felt the need to return to my old safe space to put something out into the universe. I've not been in a great place now for at least a month. What started as a mild wobble in confidence & self esteem, has escalated into a severe depressive episode.

I woke up this time 4 weeks ago and didn't want to be alive anymore. I should add some context to that. I didn't want to kill myself, quite the opposite. But all my desire to walk this earth and breathe another breath was gone. As soon as the thought of not wanting to be here appeared in my head, it very quickly made itself comfortable and became a very unwelcome guest. Every day became a nightmare, my head a battlefield on which what little willpower I felt I had slogged it out with the army of negative ideations that had dug their trenches and made their stand.

I think I'd forgotten what this felt like. The overwhelming urge to have the ground swallow you and never be bothered by anything again. The panicked reaction in your head, telling you to hide from the seemingly very real and immeasurable threat. But where do you hide from your own thoughts? How do you run from yourself?

It's been a long four weeks and I'm not sure I'm out of the woods yet. I'm more coasting along the treeline, enjoying the fresh air and sunlight again. I think at this point it's definitely worth reflecting on how I ended up here. How I wound up on the brink of a very dangerous existential crisis.

Between September last year and January this year I unfortunately lost 2 family members. Added to that the trip of a lifetime I'd saved and counted down to went a bit let's tong and it all got a bit much. I listened to my little brain and took some time off. Spending it with family and close friends. Connecting with the amazing support I have in my life. And then 2 months later lockdown happened and all that wonderful support felt like it had been ripped away. It just felt like one knock after another that leaves an already hurting soul, and vulnerable psyche very open to further blows.

Living by yourself, isolated from friends and family back home, having nothing but work to go to day in, day out, whilst managing the fear of this new pandemic, and the multitude of "what ifs" it generates... I know I'm not the only one to have found themselves in this position. The vast majority of humans aren't hard wired to live in isolation, and definitely not an isolation that generates so much fear and anxiety.

But lockdown restrictions have eased now, why is it that my latest episode has hit me now? Why not back in April or May when the lockdown was at its most stringent? The only reasoning I can settle on, is that we've entered the dreaded "new normal". The vast majority of us entered lockdown hoping to spend a few months in isolation and exit lockdown in a joyous victory over covid and go back to our normality. When the fact is we've slowly trickled back out of our anxiety ridden hideaways, into a world of new rules and behaviours and guess what... More anxiety and stress. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, if you will. Nothing about how we're living now is normal. Every masked individual, plastic screen and social distancing sign pushing us further into a state of anxiety and worry.

Even if you're not worried about your own health. There's the worry of the health of those close to you, as well as worrying how people see you, will people judge you for not wearing a mask, how will someone react if you get too close, and the wondering when all this will be over and you can just hug your nana again. An endless lists of what's, what ifs, how's, and why's. It's a draining cycle for all involved. The human fight or flight mechanism isn't the best of states to be living in for a prolonged period of time, and the effects of this long term stress and worry are more and more evident in wider society.

I always try to keep talking to those around me. And I've tried talking my way through this current episode I've found myself in, but what I found petrified me. In an effort to reach out, to talk, to try and steady myself and get help from those around me, I found far too many people in very unsettled states of mind. It added another overwhelming feeling to this all. It seemed like no one was in a position to help, because they themselves needed help. This evidence of living under social distancing induced anxiety was showing on so many people I spoke to. There is no doubt in my mind that there is a good portion of our population on the verge, if not in the midst of a mental health crisis and it worries me deeply.

The biggest thing I can say to you all if you suspect someone close to you isn't in a great state of mental wellbeing and you feel in a position to help is simple. Act. Don't talk. People think that talking is the answer, and to some extent it is. But "it's time to talk" is a years old slogan and we need to progress past this. In order to talk, we that are suffering need help getting un-stuck. Un-stuck from the negative ideations, the constant rumination, and the sluggish brain-fog that consumes us. Sometimes the best way to do that is to kick start us into action. Don't just tell the person you're concerned about that you're here if you need them. Be there. Tell them (don't ask) that you're taking them for a walk, or to dinner, or popping round for a cuppa. The jolt to the system these acts give often helps awaken the senses, and just the same as a tiny spark can set away a blazing inferno, the smallest bit of positivity can snowball and help the person to find their footing on their path again. Be prepared to be cancelled on. But as someone who's been here before, I ask you not to give up on them if they do cancel. For some people the whole process of meeting up can feel too overwhelming and they will try cancelling or making excuses. Gently persevere with them, they're not being inconsiderate, they just can't quite face it yet.

One thing I'd love people to normalise is talking about coping mechanisms. A rather pretentious way of saying "things you do to keep you going". I seem to auto-deploy them these days when I get unwell. I like to meditate and practice yoga to try and calm the mind and align it to my breathing and be present in my body. I try to read. I make sure I make social plans, but also make sure I take time out away from the hustle and bustle. I have to say they're working a treat. Which may sound a bit hypocritical considering the fact I've said I've had one of the worst depressive episodes I've had in a long time, but the last time I felt like this was 2014 and I had to go on medication. Here I am finding myself in a better place without medical intervention, having managed through my coping mechanisms, and some brilliant people who arrived just as I needed them, whether they knew it or not.

It's a hard hard task managing your mental health. For some of us, it will literally be our life's work. But growth doesn't come from never having experienced difficulties, it comes from seeing those difficulties and working through them. I for one am always looking to grow, which means I must expect further difficulties on the way. My biggest offering to those needing help through their poor mental health is to explore and find your coping mechanisms. Even if that's just picking one person a day to phone or text or making one social plan each day. I can never ever stress the importance of some kind of physical activity. It's no surprise my mental wellbeing took an upwards turn the second I re-engaged with my yoga and started cycling again. The mind and body aren't separate entities. They should both be nurtured together.

Before I sign off, I want to say that if anyone reading this is wondering why I never reached out to you, I'm sorry. It's not that I don't value you, or see you as someone who can help. My brain was in a thoroughly irrational state, and didn't make rational choices. But I want you to know I got there. And I will always get there. I know nothing else but to fight this.

[stubert87]

I've spent some time wondering if coming back here to write something was too self indulgent at a time like this. But I'm going to start writing and if you're reading it then I got to the end, thought it was ok, and posted it.

I think it's fair to say that the nation's mental health, as a whole, is in somewhat of a state of flux at the minute. Our life as we have come to know it has been entirely disrupted, albeit temporarily. I've come back to this space to share some of my musings and offer support to anyone who's mental well-being has been affected since the threat of coronavirus has appeared. For many of us this may just be the most recent trigger in a series of major episodes of anxiety, low mood, etc. For others this may be the first experience of anxiety or any form of negative mental health. I hope this makes sense. Maybe even some of it may resonate.

I'm more than familiar with how isolated our thoughts can make us feel when we're in the midst of a low point. Add to that the very literal isolation that has been placed upon us through social distancing measures, and we have the recipe for a mental health crisis. But it isn't as bad as it sounds. In every new scenario and environment there is opportunity. We just have to be willing to see past the fear, and seize it.

There are some of us adept at change. There are some of us that aren't. I most certainly am not. I'm analytical and need order. I need time to digest my new environment, figure out how to exist within it, and then consciously marry up my strengths to this new situation, while guarding my vulnerabilities, until I establish a comfort zone. For those of us who aren't as fast paced as others when dealing with change, the entire situation is a wall of anxiety that seems insurmountable. We are paralysed by the overwhelming barrage of "what ifs" leading to "I can'ts" that lead to "I'm a failure" and there we have ourselves back on the edge of The Abyss, thinking that this is no way to live and pleading with the universe to make tomorrow better.

The insurmountable wall right now is made up of a combination of catastrophic thoughts that has the potential to cripple us. From worrying about the health of ourselves, our friends and families, to worrying how long this will last, and when we can see each other again, each question is a potential doorway to a 'corridor of catastrophising'. It's very easy to end up at very scary and upsetting conclusions, such as "I'm never going to see xyz again" or "I'm next". Very dark thoughts in an already dark time.

The process of breaking the cycle of worry is a lot greater than anything I can outline in this blog. There's a reason that forms of therapy last many sessions. But I'll try to pass on a few tips that have helped me over the years.

I like to think there's two places you can tackle your worry. If we use the analogy of the 'corridor of catastrophising', the door you walk through and into the corridor is the initial worry, the end of the corridor is the final conclusion you reach: a dead end is a total overwhelming negative thought, taking another door out of the corridor is us reaching a better conclusion.

The first way you can try to tackle your worry is at the start, by nipping it in the bud. When you open the door and see that "what if" worry, you can ask yourself is this normal worry, or excessive worry. If what you're thinking is something like "I'm worried about the wellbeing of my grandparents because they're vulnerable and isolating for 12 weeks" then this is a perfectly normal worry. Any human being would think this. You then need to make sure you follow up this thought with positive action and find one way to make the situation better. Using the grandparents example, can you set them up with video calling? Can you send them voice notes? Can you get them involved in distanced activities like a video chat quiz or look for events to take part in like the virtual grand national? Taking positive action will help remove the mental isolation and bring about a positive shift in mindset. And much like a negative mindset can spiral, a positive mindset can also gain momentum.

For some of us though this may be to little too late. We might have already walked down the dark corridor to it's gloomy and seemingly absolute end. And also for anyone who hasn't had to work at challenging their thought processes before, simply trying to nip it in the bud is a a lot to get to grips with straight away, and you could actually end up in a strange state of denial where you're pushing the thought away, only for it to come back with a vengeance. So we have to look at reframing our negative thoughts to help us back track and take another turn off the corridor.

The idea is to challenge the thought by asking yourself can I bring any evidence to back that thought up? Can I prove without any shadow of doubt that the thought I have is true? Using the example of grandparents again, it's easy to bring in evidence like "they're old and therefore high risk", "there's already been thousands of deaths". These are natural worries, but they're not concrete evidence to support a worst case scenario. If we try re-framing our thoughts more positively then the thoughts become less consuming and therefore allow us to think more rationally. "They're vulnerable" - correct, but they're shielding for 12 weeks in isolation to ensure the chances of infection are minimal. "There's already been thousands of deaths" - could be challenged by "yes but there's also plenty of cases of recovery and also so many that haven't been infected or shown symptoms. As long as we're all doing our part to stop the spread, we reduce the risk".

By challenging each negative thought we give ourselves chance to minimise their detrimental impact and make them more manageable and easy to digest. It takes a lot of practice but eventually you get quicker at managing these thoughts and you're quickly volleying them away before they can take hold.

Another problem many of us are now facing is the concept of managing our time in isolation so we're not climbing the walls. Not an easy task at all, but one the more analytical of us may find a bit easier. Iregardless it will take practice. It's easy to fall into bad habits when we have too much time to kill. For some of us we'll naturally fall into good habits because we're disciplined. For others amongst us structure and good routine maybe don't come so naturally. The best way to ensure we're getting the most out of our day is to spend up to a week documenting your activities and the mood you experienced while doing it, correlating what our mood was like to the activity and looking for patterns in the day to day, so that we can then start planning more activities that elevate our mood whilst balancing our necessary tasks that may not bring us so much comfort or joy. Sounds simple on paper but I can definitely attest to the fact that challenging your own behaviour and embedding change is never easy.

There are also so many of us who have anxious brains who've suddenly found that we're calmer than usual. That people around us seem more anxious than we are. It's an interesting phenomenon that I've recently found myself in and mused over this somewhat. Having pondered on it a while, I can only draw the conclusion that my mind is used to living in a state of abstract worry. By that I mean I'm worrying about what MIGHT happen, or rumenating on an incident that happened a week ago. None of this worry is in the present. And when you're suffering from a period of mental ill-health it feels almost possible to be present, grounded, and in the moment. But in this pandemic lies a very real, very present threat. One that means our lives are changing by the day. A threat that is very much making us exist in the present. Anyone who's ever been stuck in the rut if anxious thinking knows that when you snap out of it into the present moment, you're capable of thinking and rationalising and lightning speed. So if you're one of us who's found yourself much calmer than ever, make sure you're continuing to keep those positive actions going to build a positive resilience. Think about what you can do to help friends, family, colleagues and your community to keep us all afloat. Sometimes the people who've experienced the darkest of thoughts are the ones who can bring light to others dark times. If this is you, now's your time to shine.

The final key to it all is my age old advice. KEEP TALKING. The second you feel in a slump, pick up the phone and call someone. Video call them. Start a House Party. Never impose further isolation on yourself by withdrawing. On the opposite side, if you haven't heard from someone in a while then call them. Make whatever plans you can in this difficult time.

I think I've meandered on long enough. If you've made it this far, thank you. If you've found any of this thought provoking or even helpful please let me know. I've attached a link to some further reading on covid-19 and anxiety (if you have any reading left in you) I think it's pretty useful

[stubert87]

A momentary hiatus

An ironic title. It's been a full year since I last posted and to be quite honest I think it's time I retired this blog. I started out 5 years ago wanting to make a difference. I wanted to raise awareness and let people know they weren't alone. And I did that. So many reached out to thank me for sharing my experiences and also shared their own. But time moves on and things change. The conversation around mental health issues has changed so much. There's a actually a conversation for a start. Unfortunately, despite the fact more people are talking, people are still suffering. Awareness is no longer the front line of tackling these issues and whatever it is I need to do, I need to be on that front line. Now is a great time to refocus, make sure I'm looking after myself, and see where it is I can make the most positive changes to help us all manage the day to day struggles of living with mental health issues. My passion will never waiver on this. I think I've just taken my eye off the ball and lost my way a bit.

It's been exactly a year since I started the process of coming off medication and it's been a very interesting year. The only way I can describe it is having to learn how to be yourself again. Without a chemical in your system that alters your mood, you have to remember where it is you normally find joy. You need to re-learn how to control your emotions. Going through this as an adult in your 30s is an interesting thing. The biggest obstacle was combatting my own complacency. I'd been on Sertraline for 3 years. I was dependent and it was my crutch. Going out and getting smashed all the time now just isn't an option when you don't have a drug that curbs your anxiety in your system. Working yourself into the ground while you also have a very busy social life isn't really sustainable when your mood swings aren't chemically lessened. In coming off medication I was forced to face my flaws, failings and weaknesses in ways I hadn't prepared myself for. I've been irrational, allowed my paranoia and anxieties to rule my behaviour, and every time I've hit that all too familiar low, I've questioned whether I have the strength to keep going. Ruminating on your own mortality is a very uneasy subject, but every time I stared into The Abyss, I found the fight to bring myself back from the edge. It's human nature, after all and it turns out over the course of 32 years you accumulate some amazing friends and family who have been a phenomenal support. It's also not been all doom & gloom. I've learned so much about myself that I'm making better decisions by the day. And it's about time I made some, because I've made some costly mistakes this past year. However there's now a sort of resolute calmness I'm starting to tap into and it's keeping me relatively on track. It's somewhere between a spiritual awakening and a mindful peace. It probably sounds like abstract nonsense but I really can't describe it any other way. And so here I am. At the end of this part of my journey. Since I've moved into my own place and been left with nothing but my own company when I walk through the door (so far without any major meltdowns), now seemed like the perfect time to take a moment to reflect and think what direction I want to move my life in, what changes I want to make, and how I can influence things for the better - if I even can for that matter. While I figure all that out, I'd like to thank everyone who's ever commented, reacted, reached out or just read in silence. The way we interact has profound impacts on each other and I haven't taken any conversation off the back of this blog for granted. It all started with a selfie on a bad day - The Face of Depression. I look back on that post now and I don't recognise my own face. But in a good way. It's been a great journey for me. But there's nothing more I can do in looking back. My own demons may feel like everything to me, but are nothing compared to others experiences. By being so caught up in facing up to myself, I'm not being there for others. I'm not showing compassion or contributing to change. And a change is gonna come. I can't wait to live out this next chapter

[stubert87]

End of an era

I finally got that second opinion on my medication review. I've been on an increased dose of sertraline for 3 weeks now, and frankly I feel worse. I have less energy than ever and can't stay asleep for more than a few hours. I'm permanently exhausted and can't get our of this massive low I'm stuck in. It's crippling me. I'm doing everything right. I excercise, I read to relax before bed, I'm doing well at work, got a promotion this year, now have a car, I'm going on holidays... Literally ticking all the boxes and doing life "right". So why the hell do I feel so miserable? I can feel it come over me like a cloud every day. I just want to sleep, hide, and sulk. The usual thoughts are creeping in again. Those tell tale signs I'm slipping further down the spiral. I'm convinced noone cares about me. I know it's not true. But it feels true right now. The isolating effects of depression are so illogical but hyper realistic, it's too hard ignore. I just feel like a walking pity party who's one mild inconvenience away from a full scale meltdown.

So I've been back to the doctors and I'm coming off sertraline all together. I've been on it for 3 years so the thought of being without it is weird. It's become a comfort blanket I suppose, despite the fact I don't really feel the effects anymore. The one thing I'm dreading is potential withdrawals and a whole new set of side effects. I'm only in the very early stages of the weening process and I currently can't string my thoughts together. It's hard to tell whether that's down to the exhaustion, the depression or potential withdrawals. I'm not sure where any of them start or end, but something big needs to change and I'm at a loss as to what else I can do. I can't even remember the name of the new medication I've been prescribed which I have to take to try and help me sleep.

I've also referred myself for more cognitive behavioural therapy to see if a top up or refresher might help. I don't feel that hopeful right now but I still have enough clarity to know that that's probably just the illness talking.

Thanks for seeing out this rambling. I'm off to read some more Tolkien, it's one of the very few things that makes me happy these days

#mental health matters #mental health awareness #mental illness #mental health #mental disorder #anxiety #depression #time to talk

[stubert87]

Before I get going on this rant, I want to preface it by saying that I love our NHS and I'm forever thankful for those on the front line that have given up hours, days, weeks & years care for us and our nearest and dearest. I know it's a stretched healthcare system, but what I experienced on Friday was a scary ignorance that damages the wellbeing of mental health sufferers all over.

I've been on sertraline for 3 years now and I haven't had a medication review in nearly 2 years. I know there has to be some ownership of my own management so I was happy to make the appointment myself, although I'm sure for others, the gentlest of reminders would go a long way. Straight away at the appointment I was annoyed by the first thing that popped up on the GPs screen: I was due a review in September 2017. I've been to the practice and spoken to a GP over the phone plenty of times. Why's noone said anything before now? Then there was the review itself. Never have I felt more shoehorned into fitting an individual's idea of mental health before. She asked me all about my lifestyle and insinuated that my job was high stress and likely the reason that I scored highly for depression. When I told her I love my job she moved onto relationship. Single. Obviously this is the cause of it. Told her I'd been to couselling and discussed this with them and although it's something I would like to change, it's not really depressing me. So next on the list: alcohol. I've never drank from home really. I don't come in from work and crack open a can or pour a glass of wine. I'm well aware that I'm classed as a binge drinker. I go out on a weekend and drink to get drunk. I'm also hyper aware of my own limitations and illness. The second I feel drinking affecting me, it stops. I spent the first 2 months of this year sober to make sure I stayed in a good mindset, through a time of the year I always struggle with. But according to this particular GP I need liver function tests because I've probably damaged my liver and she can't think about upping my dose. The best part is, I don't even want my dose upping. I was thinking of changing meds or coming off them altogether because I no longer felt the effects. At no point did she ask for my thoughts, or how I wanted to manage the situation.

She was judge & jury, and I'm apparently a convicted alcoholic and my depression is self inflicted. thankfully I know this isn't the case and I'm going to get a 2nd opinion. I'd hate to think how my journey with my illness would have gone if I was someone who'd been working up the courage to speak to someone about my depression for the first time. This kind of attitude on the front line is disturbing and really has no place in this day & age.

I always like to finish on a lighter not so I hope this gives you a smile. Her plan for me was to bring my drinking under control, then maybe I can find a girlfriend and feel happier again. Soz doc, but this bleach silver haired puff wants nowt to do with no girlfriend

#mental health matters #mental health awareness #mental illness #mental health #depression #anxiety

[stubert87]

Depression isn't real

Today I faced one of the hardest things to hear from someone you consider an intelligent person and a friend, "I don't believe in depression". How do you respond to a statement and a belief that goes against what you battle every day, and something you try to change the conversation around on a daily basis?

I always envisioned I'd respond with a well rehearsed, highly articulate argument that would tear their argument to shreds and display my passion for mental health. I was entirely surprised by my reaction today, and somewhat proud.

I'm proud that I've reached a true acceptance of my l mental health. I don't need to validate my illnesses or justify my life journey with them to anyone. I am the owner of my happiness, well-being, and experiences. I realised this when my reaction to such a statement was nothing but rational and compassionate.

I always find myself coming back to Elton John's statement, that most of the world's problems can be solved through compassion. "Love is the cure" he stated. I've always viewed this from a sufferers or "victim's" standpoint. Today it was great to view from the other side. I could have met the statement that depression isn't real with anger and vitriol. But by keeping and open mind and heart myself, I'm allowing that person to join me in my journey and hopefully change their stance on the matter. Not for my benefit, but for the benefit of others who may need that compassion themselves.

I guess my point here is that even now, 7 years down the line from my diagnosis, I'm still learning more about myself and getting stronger. I'm growing as a human and my illnesses aren't holding me back, or defining me. They're bettering me.

#mental health matters #mental health #depression #timetotalk

[stubert87]

The final taboo

When it comes to mental health I think the last taboo really is talking about suicide.

It's an uncomfortable subject for anyone to talk about. Some see it as a cowards way out. Some see it as a tragedy. Many can't understand how you can reach that point, how others can let you reach that point. I think the thing everyone needs to understand is how big a mask depressed people wear. It's a finely crafted art of keeping the show going while you're desperate to find an end to the numbing emptiness that consumes every corner of your consciousness.

Last week I posted about the period of low mood I've been going through. It's one of the worst I've ever been through if I'm to be really honest. I've forgotten how dark it can get in the depths of my mind, and this was one of the worst I've experienced in a good 10 years. It petrified me. Every coping mechanism, defense, and wall I've built up over the years had fallen apart and I was petrified of the places my thoughts were taking me. Despite how open and honest I am about my mental health, it's so hard for me me to even write now. But on Saturday morning I didn't think I'd see the day out. There wasn't even the semblance of some voice trying to keep me going. All survival instinct had gone. It's the closest I've come to giving in. Something kept me going. Probably the many different people I kept messaging in a desperate attempt to distract myself.

A weekend at home helped and I've started back at my counselling. I'm taking every positive step to address everything that's having a negative impact on my life. Turns out there's a still a bit of fight in the old dog yet, but I can't help but feel the fear still. I never want to go back to the place I've been mentally this past week. The fear of it is nauseating. Thankfully my counsellor wasn't afraid to tackle the issue of the suicidal thoughts. She addressed it head on and the stark contrast to every other approach made me open up more to talking about it. I feel better putting this out there. Whether anyone reads isn't really my concern. I just need to get this out of my head.

Despite all of this I'm still here for anyone who feels the draining energy of that all consuming, mental darkness. We've all got to stick together and keep the love alive. Keep sharing the compassion that humanity needs

#mental heslth awareness #mental health matters #mental illness #mental health #depression #anxiety

[stubert87]

Once again I'm back in my online safe space writing to you all from a pretty dark place. On paper everything should be ok. I've had 3 weeks off work, been on holiday and celebrated my 30th birthday with some amazing friends and family. But I currently feel empty; completely devoid of any real emotion.

I'm trying to be rational and put together reasons why I'm in such a bad place. There's an obvious one come to mind first: I've spent at least 4 weeks solid drinking. Between my holiday and birthday it was all quite a drunken blur, with four weeks of plying myself with a well known depressant. Unfortunately I've found myself drinking just to feel normal/better because being sober isn't something I could deal with. Secondly I've not fallen back into the trap of expending my energy into relationships that aren't healthy. It's draining doing everything you can for other people for them not to reciprocate. By doing this I've only set myself up for disappointment and leaving myself open to getting hurt like this. That sounds so so pathetic writing it down but I had to fight through a lot to get to where I am now and surround myself with people I care about, so for those people to let me down when I need them is crippling.

I'll be honest the anxiety I've battled with in the past is something I can generally live with, but this complete lack of emotion is hell. I just want it to stop. I want to laugh and actually mean it again. I want to wake up in the morning and have energy and the drive to do something. I've stopped doing yoga, I've stopped ever trying to get up early, and my desire to socialise it decreasing by the minute. It's so easy to understand why people take their own lives. I've thought about it every day this week. I'm just not the type who could follow through with it.

So I guess I need to start working on getting myself back to that good place. I've phoned the works counselling service. I need to get back into some physical activity to get those endorphins back. And most importantly I need to cut out the drinking. Wish me luck

#mental health matters #mental illness #mental health #depression #anxiety

[stubert87]

Back to basics

When I started this blog it was to talk openly about my experiences with mental health and also raise a bit of awareness. In recent times it’s turned into more of an echo chamber to help me deal with my own struggles. Today I want to take it back to where I started. To talk openly. To give you all an insight into what depression does to you.

I’ve been fairly bad recently as I’ve said in previous posts. The combination of overtime at work, traveling to Hartlepool every weekend and also every weekend being a rather heavy one takes its toll on anyone. But how does that hit someone with depression? Like a tonne of bricks is how.

I’ve talked about the constant need to sleep when you’re depressed. It’s not just a tired feeling. It’s a deeply rooted exhaustion that can’t be shaken. One that can’t be slept off. Imagine that feeling you get when you wake up from a nap feeling worse than you did before it. Now times it by 100. When you’re depressed, you could quite easily spend days in bed napping, sleeping, and never feeling better. It’s a tough balancing act, making sure you’re rested up, like you would with any illness, and making sure you’re keeping active & positive. Its hard not to feel guilty when you’re depressed also. People can work their job, go to the gym, go out every weekend, socialise every night and they can all function without sinking into the abyss we depression sufferers enter. The guilt can be overbearing and feeds into that negative cycle, dragging your further and further down. Depression eats away at your very life force. Sucking all joy and life out of you until you’ve nothing left to keep you going. It’s easy to see how so many people give up on life when they get to that point. It’s not pretty when you stare down with the bleak thoughts in those dark corners of your own mind. The hardest part is trying to find that energy to pull yourself up. Step by shuffling step. It’s far too easy to procrastinate when you’re depressed. You tell yourself you’ll deal with something tomorrow, when you feel better, when you’re in a better frame of mind to deal with it. And then, one by one, all these menial tasks grow into a seemingly insurmountable workload that you don’t have the energy to tackle. The person that used to be able to take everything in their stride suddenly can’t even face doing the shopping, or phoning up to give a meter reading. Life becomes impossible, but at some point you have to take charge, be active and try and stay positive.

But how do you remain active when getting out of bed saps every bit of your energy? How do you remain positive when every second that passes seems like an eternity? This is where it’s each to their own. Physical exercise is definitely a great help in lifting your mood. If you’re generally a driven person this is an easy way to start to get back on track. I’ve taken up yoga this year and it’s changed my whole outlook on exercise and physical well-being. There’s no having to get out the door, or drag yourself for a run, or feel self conscious in a gym. You literally start each session on the floor, connecting with your breathing and working from there. I’d recommend it to anyone.

If physical exercise really isn’t your thing then your focus really needs to be on retraining your behaviour. Lying doing nothing only recharges the battery so much. It doesn’t do anything to dispell those cycling, negative thoughts. When I’ve been really ill and not able to face exercise myself, I’ve found just reading helps as both a focus and a distraction through escapism.

Another thing depression does is completely destroy your ability to think. It’s like your thoughts have to travel through tar to get round your brain. It’s slow, tedious, exhausting, and confusing. You turn into the most forgetful human going. Again the only way round this is to take charge. I have to write everything down. Literally as it happens. Not only is it the only way to stay on top of day to day life, it actually helps you feel more accomplished when you cross things off a list and see exactly what you’ve achieved that day.

The other important thing is to make sure you have the right people around you that understand. People who accept your illness, instill positive energy into your friendship/relationship, and have the patience to allow you to get back to your well self.

If any of this rings true to you, if you need to talk or if you need help in finding that positive spark, then I’m here for you. We all need to keep an eye out for each other and pick each other up when we fall. After all, we’re gathered here to get through this thing called life, the real honour is that we get to carry each other.

#mental health matters #mental health awareness #mental health #depression #anxiety #time to talk

[stubert87]

The time has come. Finally. After what feels like a lifetime I’ve come out the other side (touch wood). It’s an odd feeling to describe when you get through a period of low mood. Like elation mixed with contentment and a heavy undertone of sheer exhaustion. But it’s not the zombie-like exhaustion that consumes you when you’re ill. It’s a comfortable exhaustion. Like the type you get if you’ve done a hard physical days work and you finally get into bed. The silence is wonderful. There’s no thoughts racing round my head at a million miles an hour. The oppressive weight of my own doubt is gone, and I feel as though I can smile a true smile for no reason. The silent contentment allows you to feel things again. Feel connected to others, not wrapped up in a black cloud and detached from the world. It’s this exact moment that makes my illness worth it. The joy of experiencing happiness again makes you appreciate it so much more.

Whenever I fall ill I keep listening to U2 - Stuck in a Moment. The quote in the picture is the final line of the song and listening to it reminds me that there is an end to the pain of depression and anxiety. At the time it’s my anthem of strength; a battle cry to carry me through those dark days. Now when I listen to it, it’s a joyous celebration.

To anyone who is reading this who may not be in the best of places, I hope you find some reassurance or comfort here. I hope you remember your own worth, your own strength, and your own battle cry. You’re never alone. Thank you to everyone who reached out to me after my last post. You helped me remember the beauty in the world me and helped me when I faltered along that stony pass.

#mental health #mental illness #mental health awareness #depression

[stubert87]

There comes a time every year when I reassess everything. I look back on things I said I'd do, plans I said I'd make, money I said I'd save etc. It usually arrives around this time of year to be honest. The nights get longer, the days get shorter, the end of he year is looming and I look back and wonder what it is I've actually done different this year? How have I moved forward?

Right now I don't feel like I have moved forward. I think I've done everything wrong that I always do wrong. I started the year so motivated. I lost so much weight and felt amazing. Now I'm probably heavier than ever, more depressed than I've been in a while and really have no energy to do anything. Granted I've spent the last 6 weeks travelling back and forward from Newcastle to Hartlepool which is tiring enough on top of work and overtime. But I knew all of this before and failed to do anything to counteract or prevent it. It's fair to say I'm a little burned out. I can't even muster the energy to do my daily yoga which I love, or even eat sensibly. All I want to do is stay in bed and not talk to anyone. I keep making terrible life choices and re-hashing them in my head over and over on repeat until I convince myself I'm an awful person and noone should have anything to do with me. It's got to the point where I know I'm not me anymore but I can't do anything to change it.

I keep trying to make lists to get things done to help myself feel accomplished but I just end up staring at the paper. I tell myself every night when I go to bed "tomorrow's the day I make a change. I'm going to be so productive". But then tomorrow comes and I'm even worse. I just want everything to go away.

I have a holiday coming up in 3 weeks and I honestly can't wait.

#mental health matters #mental health awareness #depression #anxiety #time to talk

[stubert87]

So here I am back at my blog, 2 years after I started putting my thoughts, feelings, and experiences out into the world. I've felt the need to write something for a while now but my thoughts have been a bit all over. There's been a lot of change recently, and I'm more than aware that change is a trigger for my mental health. So what's triggered this change? Mostly work. Well actually it's entirely work. I've moved into a new role, with a new team and manager, and changed onto a new shift pattern. New shift pattern means my routine is disturbed so I know fine we'll that's what's causing most of my change in mood. I'm a shit sleeper as it is without having to adapt to not getting in from work til 10 every night. So when I'm not in the best frame of mind and I turn up to work to be surrounded by brand new people, it's pretty daunting and more unsettling. But here's the Great thing about it all... I love my job :) For the first time in... Well... Ever, I've got myself out of bed on those difficult days because I reminded myself that I was getting up to go do something I loved. I'm doing exactly what I want to do with my life and it's going exactly in the direction I want it to head in. It's such a consoling thought. So now I have one major aspect of my life locked into place, it's time I look to my next great task. I want to develop in my job into management. In terms of me & my mental health,, that means I need to be 100% comfortable in myself, and also ensure that others can be 100% comfortable with me. For a long while now I've used my outgoing character as a mask to cover my anxiety and depression. I've also used it as armour to ensure the show goes on even when I'm not fighting fit. But I feel as though that now needs deconstructing as it's creating a disconnect; acting as an obstruction, rather than a coping mechanism or shield. I've passed through some of the hardest times of my life and eventually got myself onto a great path. I can afford to let that guard down now. There's always going to be tough times in life and that armour is always there to put back on, but for now it's time to nurture my sincere and true self in order to find stability and grow. I know that dropping that barrier will make me more erratic for a certain time, while I adjust to the vulnerability of being a more open and less guarded person. But each journey has it's own unique hardships and I know this is the right time to make this change! So for once this blog is a space to sound out my thoughts in a positive and optimistic way. I'm looking forward to this new challenge and journey and shall keep any who care to read posted 😊

#mental health #mental illness #depression #anxiety #mental health awareness

[stubert87]

Today I cleverly realised I haven’t taken my meds for a few days. The realisation didn’t take much time to kick in. I wrote about antidepressant withdrawals last year when i tried to phase them out so I wont go into too much detail. But the alarm bells went off this morning when I could barely balance during my yoga and then again when I turned my eyes in one direction a bit too fast and got brain “zaps”, an rather peculiar thing to try and describe and an even more peculiar thing to experience. The good news in all of this is that I’ve not let it stop me one bit. I’ve had an amazing day. Last time i went through withdrawals I was bed bound for a week. I couldn’t stand up I was so bad. So after a shakey 45 minutes of yoga to start the day I moved onto a 15 minute HIIT session. I’m not going to lie, it was hard. Really, really hard. I decided to put some of that CBT to good use and instead of getting frustrated or feeling defeated, I parked those feelings, took a break and then channeled myself into some productive tasks; all while accepting I’m not at my best and taking little rests. So I’ve managed to scour the kitchen, dust and hoover the flat, do my washing, practice the piano for 2 hours, go for a 3.5 mile run, tackle another 30 mins of yoga and cook an entirely new dish from scratch. And I’m going to be honest I feel so accomplished and bloody amazing, especially when it comes to the exercise. My weight has been something that’s dragged me down for months now. I have zero confidence in my appearance, feel guilty about my eating, and ashamed that I can’t do more. I used to run 7 miles a day until I was crippled with shin splints. After many rest periods and further attempts to get back into running I gave up. I moved onto HIIT sessions but eventually I had to give up on that too because the shin splints came back. Then late last year I turned to yoga as a way of strengthening and building myself back up. It’s been a slow process but as well as helping tone and get me in moderately better shape, it’s also massively helped my mental health. Anxiety hasn’t really been an issue while I’ve been doing yoga regularly, and the break from reality to check in with your mind and body really does wonders for your general mood & demeanour. Fast forward to two weeks ago and I’m really conscious about my weight and appearance again so I do something positive and step the yoga up. I also decided that the months of strengthening through yoga should have done wonders and I started the HIIT sessions again. I wasn’t wrong and I’m really feeling like I’m making progress again. This all culminated in today when I decided to lace up the running shoes and hit the pavements again. I managed 3.5 miles fairly comfortably and it’s given me such a boost to get back to doing something I used to love so much. Despite this crappy start to the day, I’m so proud of myself for turning it into a success. I’m starting to feel less like a shadow of, and more like my actual old self. So I donned the t-shirt and celebrated with a delightfully healthy and carb-free meal. I should also add that in the 2 weeks since stepping up my exercise and cutting the carbs I’ve dropped from 13st 12lbs down to 13st 4lbs. Pretty chuffed with that to be honest. The bitch might just be back indeed 😊

#mental health #mental illness #mental health awareness #anxiety #depression

[stubert87]

I'm back

I don't know what's brought me back here today. It's kind of a safe space I guess. I'm pretty glad I did to be fair. Recently I've been better than ever. But then it all started to slip again over the past week. I want to start by sharing the positive. I've been doing yoga almost every day and I've noticed massive progress. I've started doing HIIT sessions again in a bid to lose weight and, combined with the calming practices of yoga, I've been feeling focussed and energised and less stressed. My diets been a lot better too which has been making me feel less lethargic. Now onto the not so good... I've been focussing on work recently, a lot. I love my job and it's where I really want to succeed, but when you only have 3 days off in nearly 4 weeks and still try to maintain a modicum of an exercise regime as well as a social life, it can be a bit tiring. It's natural, but it's not great for my anxiety and I told myself I would document the positive and focus on that and I let myself down. There's also been a few abandonment-like triggers in and out of work and I know those are prime triggers for my depression. It's a minor stumble though. I'm not going to lie I've definitely been overwhelmed recently. Last Friday I found myself hiding in bed and in tears at the thought of facing the day, and today I've let the cracks show a lot more than I'm comfortable doing. I guess I knew by coming here it's a place to re-organise my thoughts and re-focus my efforts on keeping my mental health in order. After all, spring is in the air, and stepping out the door on a morning is always a bit easier when the sun is shining 😊

#mental health #mental illness #anxiety #depression #mental health awareness

[stubert87]

A quarter of a year has passed since I really wrote anything and looking at my last few posts it appears I'm only ever coming here to vent or let off steam. Today's no different I'm afraid... Winters always my hardest time of year. Usually by new year's Eve I'm a severely depressed, anxious mess and ready to make every new year's vow under the sun to pull myself round. I've always said I don't believe in S.A.D. which may seem like i'm lacking in empathy being someone with 2 mental health disorders. I do believe that a combination of factors resulting in low mood this time of year though. Reduced daylight hours, a generally alcohol heavy December followed by a very financially strapped and relatively antisocial January makes it a bit of a rollercoaster for anyone, let alone people like myself who are already prone to low mood. Oddly enough I made it through December unscathed and January was pretty good for the most part. Then came the last fortnight. It's all back again. The jaw clenching, the teeth grinding, the sky high heart rates & blood pressure, the exhaustion, the overall run down, shitty feeling of being unwell, wanting to hibernate and never wanting to speak to anyone, combined with a fuse as short as a grain of rice and the firm belief that no-one around me gives a damn, it's fair to say my mental state is shot. I have no clue how I'm holding it together at the moment. Yoga isn't working in keeping me grounded or present anymore, my physical energy levels are none existent, my binge eating is increasing, combining the last 2 are making me pile on the pounds, my self esteem and confidence is plummeting therefore I restart the negative cycle and move further down the spiral. What started as a relaxing week off from work has ended in me feeling a hell of a lot worse than before I broke up so consequently I'm going to bed now, ready to start work again tomorrow, and I'm already counting down to the weekend. This isn't helping me be present or in the moment mentally and is making me worse. I know all of this. I know it inside out by now. Which is worse. I don't feel empowered by knowledge or understanding of my illness, just dragged down by the fact that knowing still isn't helping me feel less like a broken record. It feels like the time between each negative spiral is shortening. Which makes me think I'll never fully get better, I'll just get progressively shorter periods of relief until this thing consumes me entirely. And when those thoughts creep in, preventing them from becoming a self fulfilling prophecy is the main focus. It takes a lot of energy to be me. It takes a lot of energy to be any of us but I can only speak from my own experience here. I try to never carry my problems around with me or be negative. Every time I step out the door in the morning the Stuart Setterfield show must be in full swing and nothing less than my best is acceptable until I step back over the doorstep, the curtain closes and I can relax and unwind. Unfortunately the Stuart Setterfield show is a big, big show. It takes a lot of effort and it takes a lot of energy. When it comes to times like these I'm afraid the cracks start to show and the well oiled machine starts to break down. I need to find strength to build myself back up. It's not just about the show, it's also about survival for me. My mindset is to always be the best I can be, if I let my illness beat me then I've failed. So as long as I can fight, I will. I must. I'm going to go back to writing about daily tasks and experiences on this blog and less about using this as a negative sounding board. If I'm to get better I need to find joy and strength in all aspects of my life. Watch this space

[stubert87]

I sound like a broken record

I've returned to this space just to put my ramblings out into the open again. I'm well aware how far away from coherent this sounds. The most disheartening thing is I read my last post from the 9th of August and not only do I not feel better, I feel exactly the same. It's growing old now. I can't get a good nights sleep so I feel exhausted all the time, I try to exercise and even do yoga but I have no energy. I'm overeating and feeling guilty at how unfit and unattractive I am. I'm lonely but I know it's all my own doing and I genuinely believe noone cares about me. I feel like I'm constantly seeking the validation or acceptance of others and when I don't get it, filling the lack of self worth or self validation by binging in some form or another. I don't even have a positive to round my post off with. This is just a rather bitter feeling rant.

[stubert87]

It's been a while since I really wrote anything on here. Truth be told, it's been a while since I've actually felt comfortable talking about my mental health. In May I found myself back in London and back to one of my lowest points. Despite the fact I would have regretted not going, moving to London was definitely the wrong choice for me. That far removed from my support network of friends and family I seriously struggled to establish myself and get involved at uni. It reached the point where I was in tears almost every day and totally unable to sit my exams. It became very apparent, very quickly that London was no longer an option for me. Since then I've really struggled to get my life in order. Despite the fact I'm now back working and living Newcastle and being more comfortable and independent, the feelings of failure, loss and disappointment are very prominent. As with most lapses in my mental health, these are distinct and recurring triggers. My dreams are very erratic and I find the memory of them disturbing and encroaching into my day. This leads to me waking up exhausted every day which feeds into a negative spiral with my energy levels. Over and under eating are also classic symptoms of depression and combined with the low energy levels I'm putting on a lot of weight which is feeding into negative self perception. The worst feeling is the sense of detachment. Like I'm a spectator in my own life. It's the most awful feeling, and hard to describe to someone who's never experienced it. So today I had my phone assessment with Newcastle Talking Therapies to start my CBT again. Over the past few months I've lost all my coping techniques and I think coming back to Newcastle should go hand in hand with a refresh in my personal mental health strategy. 5 years into my diagnosis and I have never been more self aware of my illness, but that never means it's gets easier to battle. I guess it just gets easier to ask for help

#mental illness #mental health #anxiety #depression #mental health awareness #time to talk