#‘that’s not a healthy relationship’ ok well i like it when they’re a little codependent and fucked up

[vvitchllng]

Laudna “my happiness Is your happiness and without you I am nothing” vs Imogen “without you I would Let The World Burn” they’re so silly like that

#critical role #cr spoilers #cr3 #imodna #southern gothic #‘that’s not a healthy relationship’ ok well I like it when they’re a little codependent and fucked up

[yan-genshin]

a/n: hello to the fellow twst people who came here from my twst blog welcome to my secondary brainrot

warnings: general yandere themes, non consensual drug use, some spoilers for kaeya’s backstory 

♥︎ kaeya alberich

kaeya is obsessive in an almost paranoid way, which is almost surprising seeing how laid back and relaxed he seems to act most of the times. despite his seemingly sociable attitude, kaeya is similar to his brother diluc in that he doesn’t get close to others because he’s scared to lose them (or scared that being associated with him could bring them harm)

maybe that’s why it comes as a shock to the city to hear that the cavalry captain has gotten together with the mysterious honorary knight- everyone knows kaeya flirts and gets around, but nobody’s ever seen him settle down like that

it’s... almost cute, at first. he’s far from touch starved, but emotionally? kaeya seems to seek their attention and warmth almost selfishly, dragging them around on “missions” that are mostly work he’s supposed to be doing alone to eat up their time, interrupting their own tasks and missions just because he wants to see them

“aw, are you mad at me?” he’s got that playful tilt to his voice, the one he always uses when he’s trying to make things go his way or he’s trying to egg someone on. by now, the outlander isn’t sure which effect he’s trying to have on them; this is the third time kaeya swooped in and interrupted their daily commissions for the adventurer’s guild, putting them behind schedule and messing up their plans for the day. the spot in their bag where they would have put away the cecilias they had meant to gather in the evening but didn’t get the chance to just makes them more upset- but kaeya’s sudden embrace makes them drop that train of thought. “now, now, let’s not get angry... i’m really trying my best here to show you i love you- don’t you love me, too?”

kaeya seems to think the ends justify the means- the path to the best ending isn’t necessarily a pretty one, or so he says. he’s well aware of when he starts to use emotional manipulation to pressure his dear traveler into doing as he wants, he’s entirely aware of how he’s monopolizing their time

after all, the easiest way to get them to be as attached to him as he is to them is to break them down and build them back up as he sees fit. it’s cruel, it’s bad, but kaeya is the type of man who relishes in the looks of fear and doubt in other’s faces, and the type of lover who relishes in gently comforting the traveler as they cry when he’s the one who caused their tears in the first place

most of it is just to make them depend on him. oh, don’t get him wrong- kaeya’s well aware that the traveler can fend off for themselves. he’s seen how they fight, how they seem to move with battle experience that should be born from years and years of training despite their youthful appearance. but that strength is also what gives them freedom- and kaeya is not barbatos, and he doesn’t plan on giving them such thing

“can i go to springvale today...?” kaeya almost smirks. who would have thought the powerful hero of mondstadt- the outlander who swept in, who saved the city from dvalin, who once challenged boreas for training- could be reduced to such a meek creature that felt the need to ask for permission to simply wander outside the city’s walls? to outsiders, it might seem like it was just the traveler ‘settling into the relationship’, but he knew better than that. days of subtle manipulation, of using just the right words to drive them to tears, of comforting them while choosing his words oh-so-carefully were the hard work that was showing off now; a hero slowly being reduced to a docile partner

he doesn’t want to be abandoned. kaeya fears loneliness more than anything else, something he keeps hidden deep inside of him- vague memories of being abandoned on a rainy night, of his adoptive father’s passing haunt him, the ever stubborn feeling of being unwanted despite having so many swooning for him- it’s as if every little piece of the travler’s free spirited soul he chips away is a reassurance, a guarantee to him that they’re his and they’re going to stay

there’s no real limit to what he’ll do. he’s always careful enough to keep them right in his palm; even when the relationship has gone far from just a toxic relationship and fallen off into something worse, it’s as if they’re far too deep do climb out. it’s not easy to leave an abusive relationship, and kaeya is always one step ahead in making sure it’s damn near impossible, presenting himself as the only solace for the traveler

it’s almost an art how he’s the one making their life hell and also the one who comforts them and gives them a sanctuarium to “heal” and “feel loved”. whether it’s him destroying their hopes of seeing all archons, claiming it’s simply impossible, or implying that if their sibling truly were alive, word of them would have probably gotten to mondstadt already, kaeya is always careful enough so that his darling’s anger and grief doesn’t fall quite on him, so that he can be the one to gently comfort them and hold them in his arms

“shh, it’s okay darling, you couldn’t have known anything so terrible would happen.” he holds his lover’s shaking body as they cry into his shoulder, hands rubbing soothing circles into their back. despite this, the look in his face isn’t one of a man consoling his lover, but rather a smug smirk. they heave another sob: oh, they have all the rights in the world to be sad. how tragic that the particular knight who’d become their friend had to pass away so brutally- they’d simply asked him if he could gather some lampgrass for them, an innocent request, and he’d ran into a ruin guard. it’s your fault for asking him to go seemed to be the only thought that ran through their head, and kaeya, despite all his comforting, didn’t seem to downright deny it. after all, they didn’t need to know the poor knight happened to ask kaeya where he could find the lampgrass, they didn’t need to know kaeya just so happened to mark a location on his map where it just so happened he knew a ruini guard lurked nearby. kaeya may be a knight, but he’s never been to righteous- it’s not as if he directly spilled someone’s blood just because they got too close to his lover, right? suppressing a chuckle at the thought, he made sure his voice was still in a comforting tone as he spoke, “next time, just ask me for any favours. no need to go and talk to others and have this tragedy repeat, right?”

it’s almost laughable, really, how much kaeya seems to circle around and pull strings just so he can make everything work the way he wants. realistically, it’d be just so much easier to just chain down the traveler, to just downright get rid of paimon instead of constantly bribing her with food or sending her off with amber to the point where the little fae seems to almost forget about the traveler- but kaeya needs to be loved. he doesn’t need the love to be healthy or to be real, it’s ok if it’s born out of manipulation and dependence. but all he does, he needs it to work into driving the traveler into a dark enough headspace wherein he is the only light in their life

... but that said, he’d rather have the traveler be his and lose their love than lose the traveler’s love and also lose them. ideally, they won’t abandon him because they love him (because he’s broken them, because he destroyed the hero of mondstadt and made them into a docile and codependent pet, because he’s destroyed their world and shown himself as the only alternative) but if needed, he’ll make it so they won’t abandon him because they can’t

after all, kaeya loves the sight of fear in their eyes. if they’re so eager to leave him, then perhaps he’ll just continue to indulge in their tears and their begging- this time wholy embracing the fact he’s the one that caused such things. it’s as easy as sleeping potions mixed in their foods to keep them pliable and docile, as easy as a chain keeping them locked to a basement; a treatment so hellish it makes them crave for the toxic hellhole of a relationship he offered before

“aw, are you uncomfortable? it’s too cold down here, isn’t it? poor thing. should i get you a blanket? do you think you deserve a blanket? if you keep acting good, i might get you one tomorrow.” it’s torture, the way he so gently traces their cheek, the way he looks at them with so much warmth in his eyes despite him being the one who’s got them chained up to a fucking basement. their brain screams at them to jerk away, to not give him the satisfaction of accepting his touch, but they’re cold, and despite being a cryo user, kaeya’s touch is so warm that they almost unconsciously lean into it. he laughs, the noise echoing in the almost empty basement; all that’s down here is a ratty old cot, a makeshift bathroom, and the heavy metal chain attaching them to one of the thick wooden support beams on the wall. cold nights like these almost make them miss being back in kaeya’s room, huddled in with him after he’s fallen asleep- probably after offering some comfort after driving them to a breakdown some hours earlier. but that’s long gone, now replaced with kaeya’s almost sadistic glee in keeping them down here, in seeing how the already broken traveler just shatters into a shell of their former self, how even now when he’s being outwardly antagonistic they’re starting to still try to find comfort in him: truly turned into a weak, docile, dependent little thing. 

#yandere genshin impact #genshin impact #genshin x reader #kaeya alberich #yandere tw #drug ment

[beccaland]

What are your opinions on the RTD era's companions' relationship with the Doctor? 'Cos personally, they bother me a little sometimes, and I was curious what your opinion was.

Yeah, they bother me a little too. I’m actually going to share some thoughts about the characters themselves, as well as their respective relationships to the Doctor. Partly, I want to do that because not to do so would be an injustice to the characters. So, here goes.

Rose (and Mickey a bit, because you can’t really separate an analysis of their characters and he’s a companion too):

Rose is a charismatic character, and I think just right for relaunching the series. She’s young and displays many of the flaws of young people, yet in other ways is more mature than other adults, including her own mum–indeed Rose is often seen taking on a role of parenting her parent. While Jackie seems content to live off the dole, Rose has a job. It’s not a particularly good job, but she seems to be given a fair bit of trust and responsibility, probably above what her official position warrants, which suggests that she’s earned the admiration and reliance of her boss–and given her home life, that’s not surprising. Rose is clearly used to having to be more responsible than her peers. She’s vibrant, curious, compassionate, and brave.

She also takes advantage of Mickey’s affection for her, perhaps without realizing it (at least at first). She’s pretty judgy generally, and she’s not above using the Doctor as well. This suggests that despite (perhaps in part because of) being brought up by an emotionally immature parent and having to take on a lot of responsibility before she was really old enough to bear it, Rose is quite selfish.

Now, as to her relationship to the Doctor, meeting him does two things for her: it gives her an apparently easy escape from a life she feels trapped in, and it gives her the opportunity to develop a relationship with someone unlike anyone she’s ever known, who seems to see potential in her far beyond what any other person in her life has ever shown (especially Jackie and Mickey), and who is both willing and able to protect her and to care about what she feels and wants. Am I saying the Doctor started out as more of a parent-substitute than a boyfriend? Yes I am. Is that kind of creepy? I think so. But not necessarily more creepy than him being her boyfriend, given the age gap.

OK, so Rose gives Mickey a kiss and obliquely tells him “thanks for nothing” before swanning off with the Doctor. By the time she comes back, a year has passed for everyone she knows but just one day for her. This causes ENORMOUS problems for Jackie and Mickey in particular, and she does seem genuinely sorry (well, sorry to Jackie–she seems mostly annoyed with Mickey’s anger AT BEING SUSPECTED OF MURDERING HER. BECAUSE SHE RAN OFF WITH AN ALIEN). This gets swiftly brushed aside by alien shenanigans, and Rose swans off again–leaving Mickey apparently in some doubt as to their relationship status. The nature of her relationship to the Doctor is also left ambiguous at this point, but she’s clearly not thinking of him as “substitute for parental acknowledgement and affection” anymore. She flirts like crazy with Jack who flirts like crazy with both her and the Doctor and both she and the Doctor seem vaguely jealous of the other’s attention to Jack. Back to Mickey meeting them in Wales, who apparently STILL DOESN’T KNOW that Rose has basically dumped him, and does she make that clear? No, but the Doctor is acting more and more like a jealous boyfriend (and really doesn’t stop treating Mickey like garbage until the poor guy saves them and stays behind in Pete’s World, thus earning his respect, I guess, and also removing the threat), and none of this is Mickey’s fault. He’s astute enough to see, at least, that the Doctor and Rose’s relationship is destructive to others.

After the Doctor regenerates, they’re 100% in couple mode, with Rose referring to the events of S1E2 as their “first date” and the Doctor happily assenting to this characterization (has Rose actually broken up with Mickey yet? Honestly can’t remember, but I don’t think Mickey knew it if she had). The Doctor and Rose have a deeply codependent relationship. We might attribute this to her dysfunctional relationship with Jackie and the Doctor’s recent PTSD. They latch onto each other like needy puppies, and this isn’t a criticism, because there are really people who fit these profiles, and they are not bad people, and it does make for interesting characters and good storytelling, but it’s by no means a healthy depiction of a relationship.

Consider, for instance, that the Doctor tries to send her away (no doubt he felt he was making a noble sacrifice, but he did this against her clear and repeatedly expressed wishes, and with the complicity of Pete). Rose ignores the Doctor’s clearly expressed wishes and comes back, which, fair enough I guess, but it all ends in tragedy anyway. So what does he do? HE BURNS UP AN ENTIRE SUN just so he can say goodbye. I mean, I’m sure he verified it was not an inhabited solar system, but seriously. In that goodbye chat, he specifically tells her that they cannot get across the barrier between universes because “the whole thing would fracture. Two universes would collapse.”

Does Rose accept the judgment of the person who is unquestionably the foremost person in either universe able to evaluate the risk of such an attempt? No she doesn’t. We learn in series 4 that even before the stars started going out, she was having Torchwood build a DIMENSION CANNON to P U N C H. A. H O L E. IN THE UNIVERSES!!! like presumably as many as it took for her to find the right one. Just so she could get back to him. AFTER HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT IS NOT WHAT HE WANTED. BECAUSE IT WOULD DESTROY THEM. This is portrayed as romantic rather than horrific. Seriously. And then he dumps his problematic clone on her and goes back to his own universe. SO ROMANTIC. Sorry, I try not to be rude about Rose’s relationship with the Doctor. I think it’s actually an interesting dynamic that makes sense in context, but it really bugs me that so many people view it unproblematically, and it bugs me even more that people don’t imagine both Rose and the Doctor growing out of it. Like, I can’t lie: I think that’s wacked and super unhealthy, in much the same way (though to a lesser degree) as the Twilight series and its fans are, except Doctor Who is still better-written and far more interesting.

That said, I’d be willing to read a well-written fix-it fic that depicts them growing out of their unhealthy codependent dynamic while staying together romantically. TBH I’d be more interested if it were Rose and Tentoo because then it would be canon-compliant, but I’m not too picky on that point. I AM picky about it not even remotely disrespecting the relationship the Doctor had with any other companion though. And it would have to have a whole “you were so obsessed with me that you were willing to destroy an unspecified number of universes, INCLUDING THE ONE YOUR FAMILY AND BEST FRIEND WERE IN, just to see me again for a brief period of time before this universe also collapsed WITH US IN IT and honey, that’s actually CREEPY AND GROSS even though I thought it was super sweet at the time, but in my defense the universe was already ending at that point anyway and you don’t have that excuse because in your case it was PREMEDITATED” conversation because otherwise I won’t believe they’ve actually grown as people. Also it’d be nice if it were funny more than angsty (but lbr you can’t write what I’m talking about without a fair amount of angst). So, y'know, if anyone has actually written that fic lmk.

Meanwhile, there’s MARTHA.

OK so I’m on record about how awesome Martha is. This is already getting long so I won’t belabor Martha’s total awesomeness as a character, but even though I got a bit tired of dysfunctional family relationships in New Who, it was novel to see them have any ongoing family relationships at all, and Martha’s was particularly rich, partly there were so many of them for her to interact with, thus revealing lots of different facets of her character. And despite her fractious relationship with them, she remained fiercely loyal, which was an interesting source of tension between her and the Doctor, and one that diverted attention away from the dental-drill painfulness of the unrequited love subplot.

It’s super gross that the writers made her hung up on the Doctor all the way through series 3. Not because it’s ridiculous for an intelligent, perceptive, professional young woman to be hung up on an emotionally unavailable man. No, that really happens to actual human beings (and again, possibly related to serious parental issues, so it’s not even without narrative justification). Handled with any sensitivity at all, it could have made for a lovely level of complexity. What really bugs me, and I’ve also written about this before, is how the Doctor treats her like GARBAGE, and this is barely addressed as a problem that he is responsible for. In the end Martha realises her mistake in sticking around for so long, but her attempts to call out his bad behavior in the past fell on deaf ears. Martha is the rebound girl but he acts like he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. Which, IDK, maybe he really doesn’t know? Like for all his 900+ years the Doctor has little previous actual relationship experience and also he’s super blindingly hung up on his high school-esque sweetheart Rose. And it’s not just in regards to Martha’s romantic feelings that he treats her poorly. He also dismisses her VERY VALID CONCERNS about her own safety and well-being when traveling in the past for the sake of his own whims. And he brushes off legitimate questions about how stuff works. Anyway. This is well-trodden ground. As is the fact that RTD later inexplicably fobs Martha off on MICKEY, the only other black companion in the series up to that point, despite having already paired Martha off with a cute, sweet doctor who seemed like a MUCH better fit, and there literally being no narrative reason for them to be a couple in that scene.

Donna! Well, as we all know, Donna is among the best-developed companions ever.

She didn’t start out that way though. She started off as a Deeply Problematic (read: disgustingly misogynistic) Stereotype who was never meant to be more than a one-off, but CT and DT got along so well that they brought the character back full-time, and so we got a lot of deconstruction, exploration, and development of that first impression. And I’ll forever be happy we did. But even in The Runaway Bride, she had moments of surprising depth and pathos. Deep down, Donna was always better than she seemed. The fact that she was the last person (other than her mother) to realize that fact is part of what makes her so compelling.

Her relationship to the Doctor is also the least problematic, because they’re both on the same page about being platonic bffs. To be fair, part of the reason he does make sure this is clear from the outset is because he has finally realized how he hurt Martha (NOT THAT HE EVER APOLOGIZED TO MARTHA FOR THAT–for a guy for whom “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” was basically a second catch phrase, Ten actually sucks at apologising to the people close to him). Unlike Martha, the Doctor doesn’t overlook Donna or brush off her concerns. Unlike Rose, he is not codependent with her. Donna calls him on his BS, and he listens. She helps him to face his emotional vulnerability rather than running from/shutting out potentially scary personal relationships (like with River and Jenny). The Doctor helps Donna to see that she really is brilliant and important, and she grows to believe him.

That’s not to say that Donna’s character was handled perfectly. No, indeed. Even after her first story, we’re repeatedly subjected to jokes about her desperate need for and inability to get a man. Even the Doctor, who is otherwise kind to her, takes these jokes for granted and sometimes participates in them. At the end of series 4, we’re shown that the one person in the universe that Mr. Pansexuality Personified, JACK HARKNESS has no interest in flirting with is Donna Noble, the man-hungry middle-aged slightly overweight loud temp from Chiswick. And then, of course, the Doctor denies her agency and takes away her access to the memories of everything she saw, everything she did, everything she discovered about herself while traveling with him. Just so he wouldn’t have to see her die. It was selfish of him. She made her choice and he ignored it to spare HIMSELF pain. But, y'know, at least the Doctor cheated the lottery to make her rich as a wedding present to a very attractive, kind-looking, and clearly adoring man–right before he regenerated. So she did get a happy ending.

[stinkrascal]

Little controversial, but a lot of fun. What are your sim s' toxic traits? Asking all of my favourite story tellers. Let's get deep

omg YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS please i love talking about controversial things lets goooooooooo <3

vlad - he’s a very controlling and overbearing person, honestly. he’s the type of person who trusts his knowledge above everyone else’s and feels he’s the most capable in any given situation, therefore he feels it’s only right that he’s in charge, no matter the circumstance. he’s wise, yes, but after centuries of believing this of himself, his wisdom has warped to unabashed pride, and he finds it difficult to trust another’s capabilities over his own because of it. i like to think this ties into why he’s fairly codependent in his relationships; he needs to feel as though he’s the one providing for, guiding, and therefore “controlling” his relationships, he needs to feel needed, so he seeks out people who feed into that desire, people he feels are “misguided” who need a wise, proper hand to bring them to normalcy. you know, someone like him, the spitting image of normalcy, seeking out impressionable people in an attempt to satiate his intense desire to be needed. like sir have u ever heard of therapy? LMAOOO

breanna - she’s laidback to a fault and oftentimes irresponsible, someone who rarely considers the outcomes of her decisions and someone who ignores the telltale signs given to her. this manifests in a lot of careless, reckless behavior and poor decision making skills. like, for instance, if vlad reminds breanna that the water bill must be paid by x day? you best bet the water will be shut off because queen, irresponsible as she is, forgot to send the check. if she promises to bring you to your doctor’s appointment, you best bet that the morning of you’re gonna call her only to discover she didn’t realize your doctor’s appointment was Today and she is currently stoned asf and cannot operate her vehicle, to which you will reply Breanna It’s 8 AM Why Are You Smoking At 8 AM to which she will apologize and cry and hang up and fall asleep. much like vlad, i like to think this ties into her own codependency issues, as she feels she’s, in essence, unable to properly, or rather, responsibly care for herself, and must rely on someone else to do this for her. she enables his controlling nature by relying on him for most things, and in return he enables her immaturity by providing for her unconditionally. isn’t that, like, super fucked up lmaooooo? like, it’s the sims universe u know, so take all of this with a grain of salt, bc like in the context of my silly sims 4 legacy all of these codependency issues honestly amount to, like, breanna being a happy and uncritical stoner tradwife and vlad being the one who pays the bills and drives. it’s not actually that serious u know. but when you think about it critically and apply it to like real-world scenarios n consequences n whatever... it’s gross as fuck <3 you guys need therapy <3

lucien - like vlad, he’s fairly prideful, as he feels he’s the most knowledgeable and capable of any given situation, but more so than that, he feels the need to show off his intelligence by testing others’ knowledge. he also feels the need to lecture those he feels aren’t as knowledgeable as he is; often he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. he’ll basically mansplain to you for hours, if you don’t keep him in check. also, his ego usually gets the best of him, and he can’t help but find himself better than those he views as unintelligent. it can come off a little classist at times, and this is something which has been brought to his attention in the past, something he wishes to alleviate in his further interactions. it’s a work in progress. ;-;

gen - their main issue is that they’ve a difficult time understanding and empathizing with other people, primarily women. i like to think this comes from their overall discomfort within themselves, whether that discomfort revolves around their personality, their gender identity, or their apathy towards life. women in particular are difficult for gen to empathize with, as it is that gen makes an effort to distance themselves from women, most likely a consequence of their discomfort with their assigned gender. lashing out at the “thing” they wish to distance themselves from is a simple, quick way to tell your peers, I Am Not This Thing! you don’t wish to be perceived as a women? vehemently hate all of that which is considered womanly, and maybe you’ll stand a chance against your audience. that’s... gen’s way of looking at it, at least. it’s not healthy, and gen realizes this by now, but so far it’s not caused too much of a hindrance on their life, save for all the girlfriends they can’t get because of their shitty misogynistic streak, so they’re not too bothered. i can promise you as they grow more comfortable with themselves, they will eventually drop their mean streak. i know gen’s been a misogynist for, like, two years now lmaooo ;-;

carlile - much like his mother, he’s extremely irresponsible. he forgets important dates, he often misplaces his belongings and the belongings of others, he can hardly be trusted to cook without forgetting the stove’s on then burning the house to the ground. he’s also rather bratty, especially when he’s hungry. idk i’m blanking on carlile honestly his toxic trait is being perfect <3

nikolai - he has a hard time establishing boundaries with others, so he often finds himself in situations he finds uncomfortable, merely because he can’t say no to anything. you can usually tell when he’s uncomfortable, as he wears the expression well on his face, but even then, he’ll bite his tongue and carry onwards. worst of all, though, he’ll be upset with you if you’re the one who suggested the plans, even if he’s the one who agreed to the situation despite not wanting to attend in the first place.

klaus - he doesn’t expect anything from anybody, and he feels that all people should feel this way about each other, as no expectations means no one can get hurt. this also means, however, that klaus’ effort put into everything he does is fairly low, and he doesn’t often impress people with his lazy, myopic attitude. he’s self-dependent to a fault, wanting to do most things by himself without considering the help of others, as he feels he’s the only one who should provide for himself. basically, he doesn’t accept “charity” from other people, and he thinks most people shouldn’t accept “charity” from others, either. very much a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” kind of guy, which i consider toxic as fuck, so, like. :)

anastasia - she’s a lot like vlad; she feels her judgment is the best in most situations, and she feels she deserves to be in charge at all opportunities because of this. her confidence teeters on pride, and she often confuses the two and unknowingly comes across as arrogant and abrasive because of this. she trusts the abilities of others, it’s just that she believes she works the hardest and wants it the most, and this innate desire puts her above others. she’s also prone to fits of jealousy, especially over her friends, an attribute also lovingly instilled into her by her father :p if you so much as look at her best friends the wrong way, she will come for your throat as though she were some rabid dog, about to feast on her next meal. she’s loyal, yes, but loyalty doesn’t come without its faults; she’s quick to excuse her friends, even for truly heinous actions they provably committed, so long as she feels the intention is forgivable. her love and affection for other people blinds her, and often she’ll act in their best interest, even if that means being rude or aggressive towards others who go against them.

ilya - his toxic trait is that he’s never featured on this blog and idk what to do with him <3 his other toxic trait is that when hes a teen hes gonna commit arson. thats sooooo toxic

ok im gonna go through everyone else really quickly bc my fingers hurt HAHAHA ok lets speedrun this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bonnie - her toxic trait is that she thinks 50 shades of gray is legitimately a good book series. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO

cooper - his toxic trait is that he smells so bad and he doesnt know why he uses soap and deodorant and bathes frequently hes just sweaty asf and you know what Me too king sweaty kings rise up

shivi - her toxic trait is that shes a barista at a coffee shop and she doesnt even like coffee. her other toxic trait is that she lowkey hates vampires :( and thats just rude asf

maeve - her toxic trait is that shes an apologist. she sees someone doing something terrible and shes like OKAY THEY DID THIS BAD THING BUT THEY’RE JUST TROUBLED IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT MAYBE I CAN FIX THEM!!!! like no bitch you cant

tarek - his toxic trait is NOTHING tarek is literally so perfect like he just wants to take care of his sick boyfriend and learn how to be a top tier witch like thats it? He doesnt deserve any slander bye

abigail - her toxic trait is that she’s SOOOOOO clingy to the point where like u guys can be in the same room but if you’re not looking at her rn while you two are in the same room together she’s like DO YOU HATE ME? like abbie please we dont hate u ur just being crazy rn. shes also extremely jealous and self-destructive so like if she feels like u are cheating on her she will FREAK OUT and ruin your relationship bc she doesn’t know how to effectively communicate her emotions and feels the need to lash out inexplicably at everything that triggers her </3 poor girl

karmen - her toxic trait is that she hides behind her humor and nonchalant persona to mask her emotions. she says it’s a coping mechanism, but the truth is, she refuses to meaningfully engage with these feelings, as they’re too uncomfortable for her, so she downplays her struggles with humor. she’s very much someone who acts as though she’s got it under control, even if the truth is, she’s struggling to stay afloat. her other toxic trait is that she will endanger her own internet safety it if means she can get a cute e-milf to send her money <3

caspian - he’s reserved to a fault, as though he’s physically unable to admit what’s troubling him. yet, when he speaks, you can always tell when there’s an issue. it’s always one of those things with him, where the emotion is too repressed to be articulated, yet too present to ignore. he’s so resistant to aid, he’d rather subject himself to terrible situations if it means denying help from another. often, he does this under the guise that he doesn’t wish to be a burden to others, therefore he must take care of himself without help, but he fails to realize that by not helping himself, he’s hurting his relationships around him, which burdens everyone. he’s deeply insecure, and he often weaponizes his insecurities, typically without meaning to. this manifests in a lot of self-deprecation, deflective language during arguments, ie “I’m the worst person ever, I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me after this,” which often comes off very manipulative. again, he doesn’t mean to sound manipulative, it’s just something that happens naturally, something he's gotta work towards alleviating.

vaughn - like caspian, he’s many emotions which are too strong to ignore, though too repressed to be expressed. this manifests primarily through vaughn’s financial immaturity and his promiscuity. he enjoys the physical pleasures of life, and he often abuses these luxuries as a way to distract himself from the very real pain he feels, pain he refuses to admit he harbors. so instead he sings his silly songs and spends his money recklessly and fucks everyone within a thirty mile radius to distract himself from the void in his chest :\

wolfgang - he’s basically an incel LMAOOOOOOO or like what do they call an incel who larps as a normal person to pick up woman? a pick up artist i think? hes that LMAO hes quite literally in the incel community is what im trying to say. i havent talked about it yet but its literally a plot point. if you look in my brainstorm sheet rn it says “Wolfgang munch reads incelme forums every day. Wolfgang munch thinks j*rdan peters*n is the leading figurehead in the hall of intelligentsia.” so like yeah

#Anonymous #jade answers #this was so fun to answer LMAOOO #ive thought about the vlad/brie codependency lore for EVER now so im happy i finally have a context where i can talk about it lmaooooo #ugh i love making weird toxic hcs for my ocs <3 i love it when my ocs do bad things <3 #straud asks

[cardio-maegaly]

Saturday was good. I opened at the store and finished my barista retraining. Then I went to The Parlor with Britton and some of her new friends. It went ok, but I had been up since 3am. I was tired and had a hard time socializing, so I felt awkward about that. I also felt a little out of place. I’m not really into sports, and I’m not as accomplished or settled in as everyone else there was. I felt a little insecure. But they were so friendly, everyone I met gave me hugs when I left & offered to walk out with me. It made me feel really welcomed.

Work yesterday went well, too. I really like working at Starbucks. Rude customers don’t bother me nearly as much as they used to. & I feel like it’s easy to get along with people that work there. There’s something about being in customer service that makes you really flexible and good at getting to know people quickly.

After work, I went to the dispensary. I couldn’t spend a lot, but being able to smoke a bit after work has really helped my anxiety & with being able to enjoy my time a little more. It also helps for when I want to sit down and focus on writing how I’m feeling.

Today’s my day off. The only thing I was planning on doing today was going to a nearby costume shop. I saw they had signs up for 60% off backpacks since the school year just started. If they’re not too expensive, I’d like to get a something to replace my laptop bag. My purse is too small for my apron and hat when I’m going to work, but my laptop bag is so big that it’s actually kind of unwieldy when the buses are busy.

I downloaded some otome games. I’ve been playing My Horse Prince since I got here. It’s hilarious and I’ve actually enjoyed it so much that I looked up some other, more serious novel-like games. Mystic Messenger was the most popular one, so I just started playing that today. I’m not ready for dating real people yet by a long shot, but uhh...damn it’s nice to see my phone blow up with cute messages from AI anime boys. 😍

I told Matthew I was going to be vegan when I came here unless the food was free (& then I’d stay vegetarian). But being by the ocean makes that pretty hard, I’ve bought seafood food twice (California sushi rolls! Fried shrimp by the beach! 🤤). I’m terrible, I know fish farming is bad for the environment (...and for the fish) but it’s an infrequent vice so I don’t feel too terrible about getting it occasionally. I’ve also been getting vegetarian options just because there’s so much to try here & I don’t want to limit myself when I’m going out & meeting people.

Ah, but since I’m only getting one paycheck in September & my budget is tight, I haven’t been able to eat out much. I feel better when I eat vegan & I need to lose weight anyways. I’ve been getting free meals from Starbucks, and cheap snacks and sandwiches for when I’m home. I’ve also been tracking my calories and staying around 1200-1500 calories for the last week. I felt better about my body and my health last year when I wasn’t 5 lbs overweight. & hell, eating less is one way to save money. 

But I’m already deciding where I want to go next when I can, maybe to celebrate things going good here on weeks where tips come in well. Place #1 is Doomie’s which has a closer location in Culver City now! That’s a bit of a bus ride from here, but it’s worth it because I’ve had it before & I know it’s my favourite vegan place here. Vegan animal fries are so much better than In n Out’s. It does suck that that’s the pricey option, though. Place #2 is C&O Trattoria. It wouldn’t have vegan options really, but I could eat vegetarian. It’s by work on the boardwalk, and it supposedly has the best garlic bread knots in LA. How can I KNOT try them? (ehh? ehh? >_>) According to reddit and Food Insider, it is custom to fill up completely on free garlic knots before your food comes out, and then take your entree home with you. Totally going to be doing that sometime when I move to my regular workplace.

Over the last week or so, I went through a couple different lists of personal values. I think it was helpful to consider what my own values are, some core personal ideals to consciously reflect in my actions. I didn’t settle on the ones that I wished I had. I think I’d be setting myself up for being disappointed in myself if I did that. Instead, I chose the ones that I think come naturally to me, make me feel good about myself when I uphold them, and make me feel like something’s wrong when I don’t.

They were:

Simplicity - I don’t really need a lot of “things” to be happy. I like traveling, I like food & cooking, I like having some art supplies & a ukulele or two around, and that’s about it. My happiest memories are when I’m just hanging out, indulging in those hobbies by myself or with a few close people. I feel satisfied and content when I can go to the ocean, or sing along to a meaningful song. I have fond memories of going to Friends meetings in Lawrence & meditating (even though I’m agnostic). I value experiences and close relationships over material wealth, signs of status, and other shallow or frivolous pursuits. As long as my needs are met, I’m healthy, & I have a peaceful routine, I am content. 

I’m not true to this one when I get insecure comparing my life to others. I feel like I should be earning more money or doing something more prestigious, and it leads me into situations where I’m not able to live simply or spend time doing the things I love. But I still worry sometimes that I’m not ambitious or successful enough. 

Authenticity - More than just simple honesty with others, I feel like it’s important to be honest with myself. I like me better when I let myself just be. I’ve always been kind of dorky and off-beat, and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, a lot of folks even like dorky and off-beat people! Being open with myself and others about how I feel and who I am reminds me that my inner critic is a harsher judge of me than anyone else ever is. & it’s okay to enjoy things, even if there’s reasons others might judge me for it. Just the fact that they make me happy is enough, and nothing else matters. Acting with integrity and being upfront about my mistakes is important to me.

I’m not true to this one when I try to alter or “dilute” my identity to suit the needs of others. I’m not always honest about how I feel because I try to avoid conflict. I sometimes feel insecure about being too dorky, too unrelatable, or too unskilled at my hobbies, and so I isolate my interests from others. These make me feel stifled.

Compassion - I feel good when I can make others feel good. I enjoy hosting friends & making a big dinner at a table for everyone to eat at. I don’t even like eating meat because it’s a product of animal suffering. I feel honored when someone feels enough trust in me to open up about their problems and let me help them solve them. I get satisfaction from being a part of something bigger than myself. It’s important to me to be thoughtful and considerate of those around me, and I’m motivated by what I can do to lessen others’ suffering.

This is actually the one value I feel like I overextend. But I’m not true to consistently acting with compassion when I spread myself too thin. I sometimes worry too much about other people’s problems and try to take them on as my own. I’m not always compassionate to myself. When I experience compassion fatigue and when I am not compassionate to myself, I retreat and I’m unable to help anyone. I feel like I need to learn to take care of myself first, like putting your oxygen bag over your own face before you’re able to help the people next to you.

Humor - I feel good when I can make people laugh. More than that, I've intentionally cultivated a sense of humor that is adaptive. It’s mostly affiliative (jokes everyone in a group would get, funny faces to make people laugh, wordplay, puns), but also about self-enhancing (jokes about my situation that aren’t mean to myself, but just generally commenting on the absurdity of life & being able to laugh at myself; “i watched so much steven universe that i moved to the beach and got a job on the boardwalk so i could eat fry bits & play ukulele by the ocean lol”). I like spreading cheer in a way that makes people feel good about themselves, and I feel proud when people know me for that. I make my own life and others’ easier when I use humor to diffuse stressful situations.

This is part a coping mechanism. I have a nervous laugh when I don’t know what to say, and it’s funny and odd so it makes others laugh. In fact, they enjoy it so much that they’ve intentionally tried to get me to laugh more. It’s such a defining part of *me* that sticks out to other people, that people miss when I’m not around, that I’ve learned to embrace it. I feel unhappy and disingenuous when I use self-deprecating humor or sarcasm. I get uncomfortable when others use a sense of humor that’s mean, aggressive, or self-deprecating.

Growth -  I feel best when I’m practicing open vulnerability about my struggles with others, and I appreciate it when others feel they can do the same with me. I always feel proud of myself when I admit I don’t know something and want to learn more. I love trying and learning new things just for the sake of it, & then teaching those new things to others. I get a lot of satisfaction from giving others useful advice. I find my thoughts frequently go to what I could be doing next, what my next challenge will be. I feel confident when I can look back on the person I used to be and see progress. Personal development is important to me.

Self-reflection can easily turn into unproductive navel gazing. Also, while I enjoy being in “advisor” roles where I can help others solve their own problems, I need to be careful to avoid “leader” or codependent roles where their problems become my responsibility. Sometimes, I try to spend too much energy solving problems that aren’t solvable and I stagnate. I have a hard time deciding what I want to do next, and that sometimes means I end up doing nothing at all.