#...not that im doing all that good now. im so fucking tired. i dont know whats happened but i just. dont wanna be alive rn.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

heya, i have to wake up in three hours but! here's another lil human au snippet! ft. lightly implied Laughingstock! disclaimer i am so so tired so don't come at me for typos or strangely worded sentences or missing info <3

~

Before heading home, Eddie swings by a charming little store he’s been to once or twice before. He usually goes to the chain store by his house, but he doesn’t feel like dealing with the hustle and bustle and the endless aisles. This little store is quiet, nice, and strangely has everything anyone could need. 

The lot is mostly empty at this hour, so Eddie claims a spot right at the front. As with the other times, the windows are littered with displays and stickers - half off on this, sale on that. Eddie enters Howdy’s Place with the chime of the door’s shopkeeper’s bell. He’ll get what he needs and get out, quick and easy and peacefu-

Boisterous laughter slams into Eddie like a hammer, so sudden that he jumps in place. An employee stocking cans nearby glances weirdly at him. Eddie clears his throat and hurries into the nearest aisle as the laughter tapers off. The silence barely lasts a second before loud chatter starts up. It’s too fast and muffled for Eddie to understand, but he can pick out two distinct voices - one deep, one less so but still decidedly masculine. 

Eddie tries to tune it out as he gathers what he needs. Toothpaste, some paper towels, shampoo. For the hell of it, he nabs a box of classic bran muffins from the spacious food section. He lingers for a moment, enjoying how far-away the conversation seems at the other corner of the store. Unfortunately, theft is illegal, so Eddie is forced to move towards the noise.

A strange thing about the store - it’s a combination general store, antique shop, and diner, complete with a miniature gift shop separating the two. One long checkout counter stretches from the open store area, behind the gift shop, and into the diner, where the conversation is coming from. An interesting setup, but an understandable one. It allows anyone behind the counter to move fluidly between customers and sections.

As Eddie approaches, the conversation becomes slightly clearer. 

“-said, no wonder you didn’t get her number!” the deeper voice barks, and the two dissolve into that almost-too-loud laughter again. 

As it tapers off, the other voice says, “Sounds like a real charmer! But really, you oughta be careful, Barn. One of these days someone’s gonna throw a right hook at ya.”

Eddie’s eyebrows shoot up. A transatlantic accent? He hasn’t heard that anywhere outside of real old movies and a queen he once knew. It sounds natural too, like the man was born to sound like he belongs on a 1920s radio show. It nudges something in the back of Eddie’s mind. He’s started to get really sick of that nudge.

“Oh, this guy did.”

“No kidding? I don’t see a shiner.”

“Well, yeah. I went left.”

Both of them laugh again, and Eddie feels a tiny tug at the corner of his mouth. That wasn’t funny enough to garner an actual laugh in his opinion, but it wasn’t unfunny. 

Eddie steps up to the counter and quietly puts his acquired items on it, not wanting to interrupt. He chances a glance to the side - walking space in front of the counter’s length lets him see right down into the diner.

A large man with dyed-blue hair and an interesting fashion sense is at the bar, talking to an employee leaning against the other side. The employee doesn’t really catch Eddie’s gaze, but the other man… Eddie swears he’s seen him before. He studies him from the corner of his eye, not wanting to be rude but unable to mind his business. 

“Our bouncer didn’t even get a chance at the action - the idiot knocked himself out tryin’ a second swing!” The customer says. His deep voice, wavering with humor, only adds to the sense of familiarity. Metal glints in his right ear. Eddie knows this man from somewhere.

The employee shakes his head, tutting. His busy hands polish a vintage pitcher. “I swear, you get all the crazies.”

“Makes for a good story, though.” The customer takes a sip from his tall milkshake and scoffs. “Though if it wasn’t all well-ending, amusing bull, I doubt I’d be so tolerant.”

Minutes drag by as the two keep talking. Eddie goes from patiently waiting to awkwardly trying to get the employees attention. If only there was someone else behind the counter, but the only other staff member is elsewhere, likely still stocking shelves. 

The two men are too absorbed in their little world, even though both are facing Eddie’s way. The customer has both elbows on the counter, one of them bent to prop up his chin. The employee has his hip leaned against the edge as they chat. They’re obviously very familiar with each other, and clearly deeply enjoy each other's company. 

Still - and Eddie is sorry to say, but it’s bad customer service. He’s not in a rush, but he’d still like to be on his way home. He could be fishing out the complex keys right now. He checks his phone - he’s been here for nearly fifteen minutes. Picking out the items took less than five. 

Eddie sighs, staring at the various cigarette packs displayed behind the counter. He’s never seen the appeal in smoking, but as the laughter starts up again, he almost wishes he did. He’s going to treat himself to a very long shower once he gets home. 

The store’s other employee walks behind the counter, carrying a box. Eddie lights up. Finally - she pointedly clears her throat and heads into the back. 

The constant conversation stalls for the barest moment, and he looks over. The customer grins at him for a second - lord he’s handsome - before turning that grin towards his friend.

“You’re losin’ your touch, Howds,” he teases, bringing his shake straw to his lips.

“I resent that statement. You’re just distracting.”

“Lil’ me? Distracting? C’mon, you can just tell me I’m pretty to my face. I’ll take it like a champ, I swear!”

“Ha, good try.” The employee sets the pitcher down and starts to mosey in Eddie’s direction. “Your ego is big enough for the both of us as is. One more compliment and your head’ll pop like a balloon.”

“Well, given that most balloons don’t really pop, they just kinda deflate slowly-”

“Sorry for the wait!” the employee says loudly in a glaringly obvious customer service tone. He stops in front of Eddie with a cardboard smile. At the other end of the counter, the familiar man snickers and hides his grin behind his drink. “I trust you found everything you did - and didn’t! - need.”

Eddie just stares up at him for a moment. At six-one, Eddie hasn’t felt small in a very long time. He usually stands at least a full inch above other people. This employee - Howdy, his name tag states - has several more on him.

“Uh, y-yes, I uh, I did,” Eddie stammers, glancing at his items. 

“Wonderful! And again, my sincerest apologies for the delay. My friend makes a game out of keeping me from my job.” Howdy shoots his ‘friend’ a glare with enough heat in it to make an ice cube sweat. 

“No worries.”

Howdy scans the items at an almost frightening speed. Beep, into a paper bag. Beep, in. Beep, beep - “Oh, no.”

“What?” Eddie says, dread plucking at his ribs as Howdy holds the bran muffins and shakes his head. “Is there somethin’ wrong?”

“Indeed there is! You’re making a mistake with these. They’re absolutely horrible, I tell ya - and bad for you, too!” Howdy tuts and puts the box to the side. “No, no, you don’t want those.”

“I… don’t?”

“Not if you knew better! Lucky for you, I’m here to set you straight. What you need is-” he snaps his fingers, “Barnaby, be a pal and-”

“Already on it,” ‘Barnaby’ says, appearing next to Eddie.

If Eddie weren’t already paralyzed, he’d jump right out of his skin from how Barnaby towers over him. He has to be a scant inch or so shorter than Howdy, but he still makes Eddie feel tiny. Unfortunately, Barnaby is even more handsome up close. 

“Here ya go.” Barnaby hands a plastic container to Howdy and taps it, smiling lazily down at Eddie. “I’d take his advice on this one. Those bran-named muffins may sound fancy, but they’re pretty crumby! You want muffins of quality. Real breadwinners!

Eddie can’t help a soft laugh. “Breadwinners, heh, that’s a good one.”

“Are you selling these or am I?” Howdy says, raising a bushy eyebrow. 

“Hey, I’m just doin’ what you asked! I’m bein’ a pal.”

“And I - I’m sorry," Eddie interjects, "but you’re awfully familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?”

“Eh, I’ve been around, but uh… you ever been to [INSERT GAY BAR NAME HERE]?”

Howdy clears his throat. “I’m trying to make a sale here, Barn. You can flirt on your own dime when you’re not costing me mine.”

“Didja know your nose gets redder when you’re jealous?”

Howdy rolls his eyes and shoves Barnaby in the diner’s direction. Barnaby goes with a hearty snicker. Despite the joke, Eddie thinks it has some merit as Howdy scans the final item and rings him up, considerably frostier than before.

Belatedly, Eddie realizes that he didn’t actually agree to the different muffins. Too late now. “Say, what kind of muffins are those?”

“Poppyseed-lemon.”

Eddie relaxes - that is a lot better than boring bran. “Y’know, my mother loved poppyseed-lemon muffins.”

“Did she now,” Howdy drawls.

“Like you wouldn’t believe! If baking was so much as mentioned, she’d jump right on houndin’ us to whip some up for her, or send us to go buy some. We’d never even get a taste! They’d be gone the moment they hit the air, I tell ya.” Eddie chuckles. “Took me a while to understand what all the fuss is about, but man was she right. They are good!”

“Uh-huh. Well, we have a fresh batch delivered every morning. They’re not the same type every time, mind you, but I can promise that they’re all of the highest quality.”

“Breadwinners, right?” Eddie jokes. Howdy doesn’t blink, but Barnaby snorts. He’ll take it. “I might have to come by more often, if that’s the case! Thank you kindly, sir.”

“Mhm, have a good day.” Howdy hands him the bag and strides away without a glance. The dismissal is clear as day. “Say, Barn, did you hear about the racket one of those cult crackpots stirred up at our dear friend’s tearoom?”

Eddie doesn’t catch the tail-end of the sentence as he hurries away, but he frowns. Cult? What cult? There’s a cult? He certainly didn’t hear of one before moving here, and none of his background checks had turned up anything of the sort. He hopes it was just a figure of speech. 

The door chimes again as Eddie leaves. It isn’t until he’s in his car that the embarrassment of that whole exchange catches up with him. If he had a nickel for every time he’d made a fool of himself in front of a gorgeous, strangely familiar man, he’d have three nickels. At the rate he’s going, he’ll either be rich, or he’ll have to move. 

Eddie subtly tries to peek around the store’s window displays from the safety of his car. He catches a scant glimpse of blue hair - come to think of it, it’s a similar shade to Wally’s. But where Wally’s had, to Eddie’s memory, been uniformly dyed right down to his eyebrows, Barnaby’s rich brown roots were obvious. His beard and eyebrows weren’t dyed, either. 

As Eddie relaxes back into his seat, he re-reads at the store’s name. The color drains from his face and he barely restrains himself from slamming his forehead against the steering wheel.

Oh, of course. Of course he made a fool of himself in front of the owner. Eddie can never come back here again. And it was such a nice store…

#wait wym this is almost 2k words what the Fuck! #ok! the writing gods blessed me tonight i guess! #anyway slight context - #in my mind there's a whole Plot and stuff for this au #where it starts off with eddie running into The Group™️ and meeting them mostly separately #before they all meet up and go 'hey yeah you guys ran into eddie from high school too? cool. he's ours now' #and forcibly drag eddie into their little Circle #wh modern human au #snippets from the bog #also sorry about the [INSERT GAY BAR NAME HERE] lmfao i cant come up with one atm #i want it to be wh-related and Clever #but i am not very clever on a good day and this has been a bad one! and again! im tired! #i. dont know how to tag this. whatever! if you see it you see it! #ok im going to sleep. for a whopping three hours before my alarm goes off. *less than three. Sigh. #i always do this! its like 'oh i have to wake up early tomorrow! lets not sleep at all! im feeling so creative!' #gonna go think about this au's laughingstock as i drift to sleep #FOR THREE. HOURS. #have i mentioned the three hours????

[todayisafridaynight]

being daigo in january 2017 was probably the happiest month of his life because he just got out of jail Again for a crime he didnt commit Again and he's probably thinking how he has to keep running the tojo clan if he wants to respect kiryu even though hes """""""'gone""""""""" or whatever and then some bitch with the newspaper in his ear like 'the governor's trying to evict us what should we do' and i can only imagine the LOUDEST sigh of relief this man had to internalize as he began to flesh out his two-year plan then and there

#snap chats #no one touch this post fuck you im drawing this at some point but im too tired but i still cant stop chortling about it #like i just know daigo was tired as balls so imagine getting THAT kind of out from it all ....... #NO MORE GUILT ABOUT IT HE GOT AN EXCUSE NOW #Oh Noooo The Governments Telling Us To Fuck Off :(( I Dont Think Theres Anything We Can Reasonably Do But Dissolve #genuinely the nicest thing aoki ever did in his entire life was give daigo an out of this sisyphean existence and he didnt even know #he just wanted to be a big ol bitch boy and accidentally made daigo the happiest man on earth #ending this post now before i think of IW's plot and get annoyed again vjlkJLKAJVAL GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE #AND ALL THAT PLANNING WAS FOR FUCKING NOTHING /SORRY/ IM STILL BITTER #IM GOING NOW FR BYE STAN DAIGO

[the-kipsabian]

watching old stuff (like, beginning of aew) and this is kips first match of tv/dynamite. the fact that he can hang with the fucking elite says so much of the level of talent he actually has

the crowd is chanting "this is awesome" while hes in the ring, having winning offense against matt jackson

hes being put on notice here. he makes people take a double take. he doing well in a tag match against the elite. he had a banger before with hangman. he won the first ever singles match in aew history

so fucking by god tell me why is kip sabian still overlook, under rated as all hell and not given opportunities to prove himself when back FOUR YEARS AGO he was this fucking good and now hes even better

#fuck it im tagging it im tired im angry fucking hell #kip sabian #IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS CONVERSATION GOD GET TK ON THE PHONE I WILL YELL AT HIM #like. what fucking gives. what the fuck #i get it he got dealt with few bad cards (jh. miro. injury with long recovery. personal stuff) but still #they completely fucking halted his progress after his initial return. discarded a character with HUGE potential #after he lost to oc all of it went to hell and down the drain and now they just arent using him #do you understand what this does to a fan. like do you get it at all #do you know how fucking irrationally upset and scared i am that aew will just not only cut him from programming but also let him go #because they dont think hes a draw. cause they arent giving him a chance. not even a single one. maybe once in a blue moon #but its not enough. they dont understand what they are missing. and its making me sad and upset and angry #when hes tried so fucking hard and worked so fucking hard and always been so fucking good but they dont see it #god sorry this match got to me but i fucking mean every fucking word god #box thoughts

[angel-of-sweet-revenge]

When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out

#vent #its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything #i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant. #im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something- #-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again. #plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal) #and just #im fucking tired ok #and I'm sorry im a bad friend #i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some. #but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired #i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn? #and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON. #I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it #but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit #and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them #and they can lash out on me #i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not #last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend #it wasnt my fault #that friend ghosted me #im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too #but at the same time im too done to even really care #i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day

[goldiipond]

maybe this is me having too much faith in the people calling for the extermination of an entire ethnic group but idk. i feel like the fact that israel has the most powerful settler colony on the fucking planet bending over backwards to defend them from literally every other country should be enough to make at least some zionists realize that they are not the good guys

#skye's ramblings #i dont know man im just. so tired. im so fucking angry all the time. i want this to end #i dont understand how people dont see that this is literally just textbook colonialism. and how some do know and simply dont care #i dont have enough contact with the native side of my family to feel justified saying 'as a native person-' #and i certainly dont want to speak over palestinians but fuck man. this just cuts so deep. white people have been doing this for centuries #they dont care about the lives the history the rich beautiful culture they dont fucking care about anything that lacks 'pure western values #they dont fucking care all they fucking do is destroy and steal because everything belongs to them in their eyes #israel is an illegitimate state composed of europeans living on stolen land that they say is theirs bc they're 'gods chosen people' #the 'savages' are now 'terrorists' but the sentiment remains that they are a stain that must be erased to make way fr the good white people #your philosophy is a poorly disguised recreation of manifest destiny that uses judaism as a shield #as if your religion has any relevancy to the fact that people fucking hate you for gleefully slaughtering families and stealing their homes #i dont know. i grieve the lack of connection to that side of my culture and these people are having theirs ripped away from them as i speak #i dont know how people can support this. i dont know. i feel sick.

[piplupod]

honestly i wish i didnt know as much as i do about occultism and spirituality because it is so fucking frustrating to see ppl talk about it and they very obviously do not have the knowledge that i have. like i am so open to being wrong, but i see things that ppl are saying and i'm fairly certain that they just ... do not have the depth of knowledge i do, so they say very ignorant things, or draw lines between things in an incredibly (potentially dangerously) overgeneralized way. and i am just sitting here like "oh you have no clue what you are saying right now, do you? you do not realize what you are saying is unfortunately pretty damn wrong." and i have to back away from the screen bc i do not discuss these things anymore due to the brain being constantly ready to dropkick me straight into a mental health crisis

but christ alive i think anyone who engages with spirituality needs to read up on like. essentially Everything they can get their hands on, even if they do not necessarily agree with the ideas being presented, because that way !! you learn !! and you grow to realize what things are borne out of racism and grossly mystifying other cultures and straight up white supremacy and nazi ideology and encouraging psychotic symptoms that lead to mental health crises !!!

#i hate new age spirituality so much. soooo much. 90% of it is just racism repackaged with a pretty bow on top #and nobody realizes bc they do not know what the fuck they are engaging with :))) what the roots of it all actually is !!! #and i do not necessarily blame them but i am so .... its tiring. and disconcerting. and scary. to see all of it being paraded around #esp when ppl accuse you of being ignorant or cruel for criticising smth that is so fucking dangerous or racist hsdgjkl ARGH ARGH ARGH #just bc they themselves do not realize !! it is dangerous and/or racist!! and they assume you must be wrong to criticise them!!! #sorry im just hgdsgjkl. this drives me crazy. i also hope i dont sound egotistical or high-n-mighty #but i do genuinely know i have more knowledge than the average bear (not difficult to though tbh! u just have to read a lot!!) #because i was so fucking fixated on it and went delving into so many books and pdfs and websites and did my own stuff on my own time #for several years #i was DEEP in this stuff (and boy howdy my mental health suffered for it lmfao me when i lose touch w reality almost entirely !!) #AND OBVIOUSLY. not everyone is going to have the same exps i did when they do spirituality stuff #but . it is very common esp these days. there is a whole label for it lol #ALRIGHT IM DONE RANTING NOW. im going to log off from everything for a good long while today to try to reset my nervous system lmfao #sorry for the public yelling and wailing fsdfjkl #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[silenthillbunni]

🐰🩹🧸🏨

#i hate being in pain like this #bc it completely takes over my life. like im incapable of thinking of anything else #im incapable of relaxing or enjoying anything. i cant do important things. cant do anything else but sit still nd be in pain #it just renders me completely useless and makes me stop functioning properly #im just a hopeless mess made of anxiety nd sadness. idk why but i just hyperfixate on it and i cant 'let go' or relax or not think abt it #idk how other ppl do it.... i wish i wasnt like this bc it's awful. it's like the only thing that exist nd ever will exist is this pain 4evr #im dramatic i know but ​it genuinely feels like my entire life is over and i'll ever know is pain nd nothing will ever get better again #im so caught up in it i cant see anything else but my pain. i cant think of the future bc do i have one?? i dont know #im just not feeling good at all. and everything feels bleak and depressing and i dont want it :(( #i cant have any fun or nice moments at all and im just tired of life #i feel so fkn stressed abt all the things i need to do nd all my responsibilities and idk how i'll do them when im in this pain #i just hope it can calm down soon i just want it to be a little bit easier just a little bit #getting thru each day now is so fkn hard i barely sleep but when i do i wish i never wake up #i hate everything and it feels like my future is fucked #which makes me wanna die!! but it also makes me sad bc there is actually sm i want to live for #i dont want it all to be ruined bc i want to try to live!!!! :( #and yess im know im being dramatic but i cant help it. im weak nd im terrible at dealing w pain nd issues #im not a strong person who can withstand everything nd finds ways to live either way. maybe it's bc my will to live isnt that strong #idk. i just hate this i want it to be over. it's taking over my life nd idk how to still function like this

[guardianscry]

Worn out

For day 5 of Hatstache week, ‘Hurt/recovery” ^^ @hatstacheweek

#ahit #a hat in time #hatstacheweek #hatstacheweek2023 #hatstache #mustache girl #hat kid #my art #where are they you ask? running toward your location at 100mph #the hurt isnt too noticeable but i spent so fucking long on the lighting and background <- doesnt know how to do either #dont bash me if the lightings wrong pls. blink blink #guardian. why is there a blue patch on Mu? i mean you cant expect to have fully intact clothes while homeless :))) #why all the tags? good question. im so fucking tired im bullshitting my thoughts here now #uhm LOOK AT THE ART

[aroacesigma]

.

#ramblings #honestly ive had a really terrible holiday #like summer break is supposed to be good but seeing family wasnt fun like it usually is #the cousin i usually hung out with is an asshole now who didnt even want to talk #so the fun part wasnt fun #i havent seen any of my friends all holidays . i feel like shit and i feel fucking lonely #the only people ive interacted with really are my family and thats horrible because my sister acts like a stereotypical mean girl #ive got no fucking will to leave my room or to fucking eat properly or do just about anything other than sit in my room #and now im about to go back to school . ive accomplished not even close to enough of what ive needed to #ive forgotten everything from math . my tech is probably behind . english should be finished but its not #chemistry is completley half assed #and i know i should be getting up and fixing tht but i cant i fuckign cant do anything #its probably all my fault i have to stop staying up so late im so fucking tired #i dont want to go back to school i dont feel like ive had a break even though ive done nothing all holiday #im so fucking done with this shit #vent #ask to tag #i guess

[realness-remade]

i think online discourse is genuinely one of the worst things to ever come out of social media

#i might touch on this more later but #for fucks sake im tired of being surrounded by people who say 'x person is good y person is bad' its so fucking stupid there is no point #and its always made so obvious that their Discourse Opinions are fueled by hate. they will try to hide it but they generalize every single+ #+person they speak to #and i know im doing the same right now its because i fucking hate them!!! All they do is spread hate and i cant stand it #and its not even people dedicated to discourse i more often see normal ass people hating other normal ass people. for the crime of notbeing+ #+like them. all im saying is the rest of the world needs to stoppp trying to put people in the Good Group and the Bad Group. shut the fuckup #i can only stand so much for the love of god. Have fun with your friends dont surround yourself with people you dont like

[munamania]

and is there not just generally a certain level of decency that would make you like ease up on a person who's obviously more than a little frazzled i am sorry that i cant process all my feelings and regurgitate them to you in an easily digestible manner while im actively In a situation or have a prepared disclaimer about how im so sorry but im just overwhelmed and need you to leave me alone right now or whatever else maybe i just dont know maybe i cant tell you exactly what im feeling or need and if i have to figure it out and explain that to you my brain is going to explode. but you could read the room. is there not a point where a friend would probably just go oh okay let me not continue pushing this person let me take a moment to reflect on their state and perhaps try to ease that or at least not keep fucking pushing on it. and also maybe not choose these moments to make otherwise innocuous but contextually just kinda meanspirited jabs. ok whatever

#not to be a sensitive little bitch except im not. #i dont want to be rude or too explicitly open about the things i dont really like to talk about #but sometimes. frankly. people need to take on the weight of their own feelings. insecurities. thoughts. etc and then some #some of us grew up with little to no emotional support and in fact took on the weight of their family's issues and the brunt of their #emotional immaturity and sometimes that makes someone feel fundamentally rattled and unsafe in moments like that #some of us had pretty much every big personal emotional. thing. that happened to them minimized and turned into some tragic #family conversation. or had someone reply like huh idk if that could have happened to you i certainly dont remember that #and then you wonder if people were ever looking out for you and if the ones that did just truly didnt care. #um. anyway. this is not just to be like oh im so quirky and different and traumatized lol but im reaching a boiling point when it comes #to people just like. doing this shit. or whatever. im going to start screaming #i shouldnt have to bare my fucking soul to you for you to go oh huh maybe this is a sensitive subject perhaps #frankly we arent the same and we dont relate and aw bummerooni ik im not the only sufferer but good god. #our lives were very different in some ways! #and sometimes all i want is for someone to say its ok kid you did good #again. not to be dramatic. but when ive talked about MY upheaval of feelings or w/e like if thats been impacting #how ive been acting and people start crying at me or get all whatever. oh it makes me wanna be the one to pass the torch #yeah man imagine how tired we are. #ok talking incoherently now so im gonna go do my job i guess. #abby talks #i know no one will save me but maybe sometimes it’d be nice to share the weight regardless

[todayisafridaynight]

Okay stream over and as such no one is safe anymore from my RGGJoposting (sorry in advance), HOWEVER I did want to say...

Of course Mine Himself At Present is the furthest thing from punk, but I believe the reason he has that belt is a nod to Nakamura, who is credited with bringing punk influences to the kabuki scene. (This particular photo was taken years after Y3, but...)

By the way, Nakamura is how I found out there's a lot of stigma against sons of kabuki actors who choose to play roles of a different gender than their fathers. He comes from an established line of onnagata, so it was a big deal for him to choose to play male roles.

Arakawa was a taishu engeki actor rather than a kabuki actor, which is less steeped in tradition than kabuki, so I don't know if it would've been the same for him doing the opposite to Nakamura. But it's Neat to think of it as a concerted choice for him in terms of feeling that strong of a connection to femininity.

oh fuck yeah punk in the kabuki world WORD UP TO THE LEGEND.....

#snap chats #tumblr told me to suck a dick and deleted my response THANKS ASSHOLE #i feel suddenly feel like really sick and tired like oh god what the fuck was in teh chicken my bro got me for lunch heeUGUH #i will muster up my strength to respond tho. god no i feel really sick i gotta hurl but i wont #in any case... i love learning #i wish i could say more but thats all i can say ive always been more of a listener than a speaker #what the ufck was in that shicken oh my fucking god #great to have yo in the inbox. ALWAYS happy to see yo in teh inbox even if im a dumbass soemtimes and words fail me #like right now like how my organs are failing me jesus lord #i will try to speak.. i can see peop #ok no i cant i dont hve the brain capacity right now forgive me #the enviroment surrounding 'cross dressing' in theater is. a topic #a topic im too stupid and sick for BUT IT IS ONE. #i know men would play as women in western plays since women werent allowed to act for a long ass while #uhhh wht am i tryig to say #oh like. like the role is 'necessary' like men would need to play women cause we aint got women #but that doesnt mean its a 'respectable' position #do we get what im sayig ?? good god i hope so. im dying. #first it was too cold now im too warm but i cant tell if thats from shame my house or the hoodie i put on #ok my head hurt BYE #soryr im stupid

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres a special kind of agony in tryinf to find an apartment in an college town with a housing shortage #everythings expensive as fuck and im sure its frustrating for everyone but i feel like its especially frustrating for me #bc it takes me so much fucking time to understand the information right in front of me and then i doubt myself so i have to check and check #and double check and triple check that im on the right website. that im inputting the right info #and its like. what if theres a better place i could b looking? like i found a management place to apply to thats expensive but less #expensive than another place but the building looks like its kinda on the edge of town like 15min drive from school #which i hate bc im an anxious freak and its gonna b worse than driving here bc itll get icey as fuck there #like proper inches of snow all winter. negative negative cold. so its like. do i take a nice apartment thats kinda far away #or a slightly more expensive apartment thats like 10min from school and more in town #and then theres the application stuff. and i cant fill anything out without having a full on like sobbing breakdown #but im that way abt everything. i do that all the time when i have to buy plane tickets #its exhausting. and i cant plan my exit until i know when i can move into a place. whatever. it doesnt help that my hormones r fucked rn #or i hope its the hormones. ive been so tired. so so tired. like sleeping 9hrs and still tired when usually im wired after only 7hrs sleep #i hate it. and super brain foggy. and this week i have to finish taking measurements for the last time #so i gotta decide if im gonna go in tomorrow or Monday to start it. its gonna suck so bad bc im gonna try to do it in 6 days. which will b #agony. but after that ill never have to do it ever again. ugh. im just so tired and i dont wanna limp my way into a new project feeling #like damaged goods. which is exactly what it feels like now. ive just done a very good job of making my job difficult #cant go into the lab without feeling physically ill. drained away all my joy. now theres only a sad distant recognition of how far ive #allowed myself to fall. i kno ill feel better once i have a place to stay and i can quit my job just getting there is taking an eternity #unrelated

[meateater-lamb]

(dont read the tags actually)

#vent #god this year has been so fucking hard man #and things have been so strained with my friend #and i love them so much. theyre my best friend. but at this point are they? #cause they just keep getting pissed at me over everything #and acting really weird #and theyve just. turned into this unendingly angry and negative person to the point i feel like i can barely talk to them anymore #they are so short tempered which i mean they always have been but just not with ME yknow #like they for ten years were always so kind to me and weve always gotten along well #until the last like year #and i know theyre in a bad place but jesus theyve made it so hard to even hold a conversation anymore #and i mean i think things will get better if they can get out of their current situation. i really think we can go back to normal but just. #not til then. cause they seem like the only coping mechanism they use is pure fucking anger #and now theyve started directing it at me and im just. getting tired. #i cant tell if they are purposely pushing me away or not. but thats whats happening either way. #and its awful bc i just feel like its all my fault. like im not good enough #im not helpful enough im too annoying im just. not good enough care about anymore #they make me feel like none of my problems are important anymore and like i shouldnt even mention it if im struggling #meanwhile all they do is vent and rant and im really really tired but i dont think i can say anything #im trying to open myself up to being social with people other than them again. #they used to be my best safe space but now they arent anymore #but im still going to be there for them the best i can cause they dont deserve to be abandoned when theyre struggling #but i just hope they can get in a better place and idk. realize theyre kinda being a dick all the time #ugh idk #dont read this shit i just need to get my thoughts straight idk. #i was scrollin when i started thinkin abt this thats the only reason im writin on here abt it #probably gonna delete it in an hour anyway #moon