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1upmushrooms · 7 years

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“Fazbears: 1985″: The Stupid Ass Thieves Guild.

“Monday. Monday, Monday, Monday.” Porter muttered as he laid stretched out in his bed.

The old strategy of staying up late in a gambit to exhaust himself to sleep was causing several problems he didn’t need at the moment. This new idea was only one out of several tricks he’d been trying in order to finally fall asleep naturally. Thankfully, this strategy seemed to work wonders.

“Monday...mon....mmmzz.” Porter slurred, his mind finally being put into sleep mode as Saturday night began turning into Sunday morning.

When he finally woke back up, it certainly wasn’t by choice. Indeed it was instead due to noisy neighbors caroling to each house...well, each house besides his.

“Fuckin’ people singing in the morning.” He muttered, thankful that they skipped his house.

Getting out of bed, Porter begun what he now defined as his morning ritual. The steps were fairly normal.

Step One. He’d do a good ten minute exercise routine of his choice, some days it’d be a jog in place, other days it’d be pull ups, it all depended on his mood really.

Step Two. He’d have his clothes laid out on his bed and then enter the bathroom for a brief shower.

Step Three. He’d put on his clothes, as neatly as he possibly could. Back in Chicago, people he knew would often claim that the one way to figure out he was stressed out would be if he didn’t have enough patience to straighten out his attire.

Step four. He’d make sure no one was watching him, yes even when he was alone, and he’d crouch under his bed to pull out a heavy box titled “Nostalgic Shit”. Upon opening the box, Porter would find about at least $5,134.00′s worth of bills in there. Fazbear’s pay was ok when it came strictly to paying bills, but he still needed something for food, gasoline, emergencies, etc. To make sure not even a single dollar was missing, Porter would count every bill, twice.

Step Five. He’d then write the number down in a book that was also in the box. If he needed to take money out, Porter would subtract his withdrawal and then write the remaining amount in the book. Once all that was done, Porter would put everything back in the box, close it, and shove it back under his bed.

Final Step. He’d prepare a small breakfast, the most common being an egg and a cup of coffee, and then finally he’d do another exercise routine of his choice.

As the routine was being performed the phone rang, more than once. Porter didn’t pay attention to the total number of rings, hell he didn’t even realize it was ringing at first, but he was sure someone had tried calling him three times. At least that was his estimate.

Porter sat down in his chair and, after finishing his last drop of coffee, picked up the receiver.

“This is Porter.” He greeted, sitting the mug on an obligatory desk coaster.

“Hello AGGH,” Scott groaned, “Ugh, hello hello! You, errg, you there Porter?”

“What happened to you?” Porter asked, a bit surprised to hear Scott in pain.

“Fazbear’s got robbed the other night and uh, I was the, ow, unlucky guard who got hit.”

“Did you try to hit them?”

“I didn’t get the chance I mean, agh, they-they ganged up on me before I even knew they were in the building. I didn’t even hear them crash in.”

“They?”

“I mean, it was one person but I didn’t-couldn’t tell if it was a guy or a girl because they were uh, dressed up in black and all.”

“How hard did they hurt you?”

“I’m not too damaged, I think. I, the reason I called was because Francis put me on night shift again and, I, I, I wanted to know if you can take my place. I’m really not fit-”

“No problem.”

“R-really? No problem at all?”

“Yeah.” Porter before getting suspicious, “Why did you think I’d say no?”

“I, I was scared you’d say something, like, ‘No way am I coming in on my day off to do this stupid thing’ or something similar.”

“Oh.” He said, “Right.”

Scott had a point, that sounded almost exactly like something he’d say, if there were a few curse words peppered in of course.

“If you don’t mind me asking uh, wh-why are you so cool with filling in for me? I mean uh, no offence, you don’t really seem like the guy who’d do nice stuff like that for nothing.”

“I have my reasons.”

For starters, Porter had actually grown fond of Scott since they first met so he was far more willing to do him an occasional favor than say, Jake or any of the new guys. However, the sheer awkwardness that reveal would inevitably cause convinced him to go with reason B.

“For example, have there been robberies going on before I joined this place?” He asked.

“Y-yeah. At least two from like, I think, months apart.” Scott said reluctantly.

“You remember anything unique about them?”

“Not really uh, well...oh wow.” Scott realized, “I just now remembered. The other robbers were like, really good lock pickers. Like, they’d manage to pick it with no effort and they’d creak it open as noiseless as possible.”

“I’m starting to think these robberies are all connected.” Porter said, “Either it’s the same guy or...waittaminute.”

“What?”

“The guy I caught.” Porter said, “He said something about being told by someone that it was easy to steal cash from Fazbear’s. I think someone’s sending these guys to the pizzeria. My thief just slid by me and immediately headed for the manager’s office, which ended badly for him. Your thief quickly took you out first before getting the cash.”

“That’s interesting.” Scott admitted, “But it all still sounds like, coincidental man.”

“Did your thief have a gun on you?”

“Um yeah, they-”

“Mine didn’t.”

“...Ok, that’s a bit weird I’ll give you that but come on.”

“Even if we accept that it can’t be a group doing this, aren’t you open to the idea that it’s one guy who’s obviously learned from his past mistakes?”

“Yeah.” Scott admitted, “This has been the weirdest conversation I’ve had so far in my life.”

“Well then you clearly didn’t have the talk with your parents.” Porter snarked, “But seriously, I think it’d be best if I fill in for you after all. I have a feeling that our ‘friend’ will show up tonight and you really don’t sound like you can handle another night of that right now.”

“Thanks Porter. Alright, I’ll tell Fr-”

“Don’t bother. Let it be a surprise.”

“I can’t do that.”

“That’s what he does.”

“Because he’s a manager, not some security guard.”

“Well, find Jessie and tell her then.” Porter snapped, “However, I don’t want you telling either of them what we’ve been talking about.”

“Why not?”

“...Well, what if it turns out you’re right?” Porter lied, “Wouldn’t want to look stupid would we?”

“Umm, I guess?”

“Ok.” Porter said, “Just tell Jessie that I’m filling in for you tonight and if a thief comes around, well they’ll get a surprise of their own.”

“Sounds like a plan! Tell me what happened tomorrow will you?”

“If anything happened, I’ll be sure to do that.”

Soon they said their farewells and Porter was back to silently sitting in his chair, wondering just what in the hell he had gotten himself into and lamenting that it was all too familiar to a guy like him.

--------

When Porter strolled up to Fazbears at 11:50 PM, he was unsure as to who he wanted to see exit the building, Jessie or Francis. He relaxed himself a little when he saw an olive skinned hand open the door.

“Hey there!” Jessie greeted happily as she exited the pizzeria.

“Jessica.” Porter greeted with a little wave.

“Well, it’s all ready for ya.” She said as Porter walked through door, “Hope you don’t get into too much trouble, heh.”

Porter gave a nod as he headed into the security office and signed in. He didn’t even notice that she was outside the security office door.

“Hey, Porter.”

He had just put on his security belt when he turned around to face her.

“I really appreciate you coming in tonight.” She said, “Scott really needed to heal and I was afraid Francis-”

“It’s not a big deal.” Porter said, “I did what anyone would do.”

“No.” Jessie said seriously, “No one here would anyway. You were quite literally the last person he turned to.”

That was a bit unexpected, though maybe not entirely shocking.

“The last? I knew Jake turned you down but what about Andy?”

“Was ‘sick’.”

“Morris?”

“Had to take care of his children.”

“Not even Tristan?”

“Didn’t even have to ask him. Just by the way he greeted me I knew that guy was drunk off his ass.”

“Fuck.” Porter cursed in disbelief.

“I know.” Jessie said, “And to think I hired those guys so situations like tonight would be easier to take care of. That’s why I was so grateful you offered to take Scott’s place. Seriously, thank you so much.”

Porter stood there for a few seconds and then gave a thumbs up.

“As long as I’m getting paid.” Porter said, sitting down in front of the monitors. “Just curious, was Francis ok with me filling in for Scott?”

“He doesn’t know.” Jessie said with a smirk.

“Oh my.” Porter said, “When will you tell him?”

“I’ll let that fucker find out for himself.” She said deviously, “See you tomorrow Porter, and thanks again!”

Porter waved goodbye as Jessie exited the place and locked the door behind her, leaving Porter the only one there.

“Let the waiting game begin.”

For about two hours Porter sat at his post, watching the monitors for anything even seemingly out of the ordinary. Part of him hoped there wouldn’t be a visit from the stupid ass thieve’s guild. The other part couldn’t wait to deal with this asswipe.

Sure enough, as the clock turned to 2:00 AM Porter heard the familiar barely audible sound of the door creaking open. He immediately rose from the chair and silently leaned next to the door of the office.

“Go who’s back fuckface?” A gruff voice snarled as he barged into the room.

His smug face contorted into confusion as he saw no one at all. That face of confusion then contorted into one of terror as Porter grabbed the thief by the neck and slammed him up against the lockers.

“Expecting someone else?” Porter asked, loosening his grip just a little so the thug could breathe easier.

“Yo-You-You weren’t su-su...” He sputtered frantically.

“I’m the fill in guy for the last one you beat the shit out of.”

Just by the shape of this man, Porter could tell it was a different guy. He was much bigger and taller than the pipsqueak he dealt with last time. Not that being big meant this guy was good at his job.

“Quick question.” Porter said, “Did someone tell you this place was easy to steal from?”

“Yeah.” The man said darkly with a smirk, “His name was ‘Fuck U. Prick’.”

“Ha ha.” Porter said with a very flat delivery.

Just then a balled up fist got plunged into the thief’s stomach, causing him to gasp for air.

“It’s ok that you got confused. I probably didn’t ask you the right question.” Porter said, “How bout this? I know that someone’s been ordering people like you to rob this place. Tell me why.”

“I just heard that this was an easy way to grab cash from simple word of mouth buddy.” The man said, “And your paranoid ass ain’t gonna change the facts.”

For five straight seconds Porter stared blankly at the thief as he removed his hand, and then gave him a quick knee to the groin. Once the thief doubled over, Porter then grabbed the guy by the head and repeatedly slammed it against the lockers.

“STOP STOP!” The thief pleaded, “I’LL TALK I SWEAR TO GOD JUST PLEASE FUCKING STOP!”

Within a few seconds, Porter’s hand was now back on the man’s throat and he was propped back up at the locker. Before he talked, Porter noticed something had dropped out of the thief’s pocket. It was a silver door key that matched the one given to the Fazbear staff. How convenient.

“Some guy contacted me on Friday, telling me that there was a shitload of money here waiting for me to grab on Saturday night.” The thief said dejectedly, “He told me to take out that one guard and I’d be able to get all the money in the manager’s safe. That’s all.”

“Why’d you come back if that was all?”

“The guy on the phone said that it’d be easy to rob on Sunday too. A total cake walk he said, since it’d be the same guy guarding.” The thief explained, “I mean let’s be honest, that pussy was probably gonna be even easier to deal with since I roughed him up the first time.”

Just then Porter had a sudden urge to snap this guy’s neck right then and there. Fortunately, common sense convinced him to do otherwise.

“The guy didn’t give his name did he?” Porter asked, already knowing the answer.

“What do you think?” The man grunted, “You didn’t really assume he’d be that stupid did you?”

“Weren’t you even a little suspicious about this guy who claimed that a pizzeria was loaded with cash and easy to steal?”

“I can’t afford to be suspicious.” The thief said viciously, “I’m always having to pull these kinds of jobs for cash. Heh, this is the only time I got caught to-”

“Listen up.” Porter warned, “When you’re down at the station tonight, you use your phone call to get in touch with your contact. Tell him that he better not send anymore of you assholes here, or else I’m gonna start treating you guys a whole lot nastier. Ok?”

The thief nodded in defeat as Porter threw him to the floor. He then picked up the phone as the thief moaned in pain.

-------

“Some luck you have.” Jessie said shakily, watching the police escort the thief out of the building.

Porter had told her everything at this point, from the theory he had, to the thief’s story, to even the silver key the thief had. It would’ve been somewhat hard to believe, had she not heard the thief admit everything to the police.

“You must’ve at least been worried this guy would get the jump over you or something.” She added.

“I was a security guard back in Chicago for a while remember? I’ve dealt with worse.” Porter said, “I tried not to wreck too much stuff this time around.”

That caused Jessie to laugh as she turned to Porter.

“A few more dents on an already dented locker is much better than a broken chair, I’ll give you that.” She said, “Now I’m even happier that you filled in. I can’t, I can’t even imagine what would’ve happened had Scott been working here.”

“It was still unprofessional for Scott to have someone else fill in without telling me.”

Neither of them really wanted to deal with Francis tonight, Jessie especially. But Porter reminded her that he was still the manager and that he deserved to know. Granted, that wasn’t the reason Porter wanted Francis over here but still...

“I’m sorry sweetheart.” Jessie said sarcastically, “You clearly haven’t been told what just happened here so I’ll fill you in. We nearly got robbed by the same guy who robbed us last time, the same robber who already beat the shit out of Scott, and instead of thanking Porter for being here to stop another robbery you’re taking the piss out of Scott for not telling you?!”

“I deserve to be told who’s filling in for who.” Francis snapped, “And you should’ve informed me.”

“Like you informed me about the malfunctioning camera’s right?”

That shut Francis up for a while as he angrily muttered to himself. Jessie headed to the door as Porter followed her.

“I can’t promise anything.” Porter said, “But I think these guys are gonna stop hitting us for a long time.”

“You really are a godsend, Porter.” Jessie said with a smile before leaving the pizzeria.

For the first time in a while, Porter looked almost flattered. It didn’t last though as he quickly walked back into the security office where Francis was pacing around.

“And you!” Francis said pointedly, “Why didn’t you tell either of us this idea you had today?! We could’ve used that information to he-”

“I don’t trust managers. Not when it comes to situations like these.”

“Is that so?” He asked with a scoff as he continued to pace.

“Do you remember that bar and grille in Kansas City my Dad used to own?”

“Ha, which one?”

“Fair enough. It was called like, the ‘Shallow Swallow’ or something equally stupid. Anyway, a while back there was this shady ass manager named Rick who realized ‘Hey, the building for this bar has been sought after by some really rich fuckers. If I can sell the place, we’d be swimming in green rivers.’”

“Rick was a bit of a dumbass wasn’t he?” Francis asked.

“Dumb or not he tried his hardest to fuck shit up so the bar would have to be sold. Didn’t work out well for him.”

“Your father sure made an example out of him.” Francis said with a laugh, “What’s your point, Porter?”

“I dunno, the way you’ve been running things around here so far....it’s almost like you want this place to shut down.”

Francis screeched to a halt as he turned to face Porter. Just then a thin smile was on his lips.

“The thing about friendly threats Porter,” He said, “Is that they only work with you’re sporting a grin.”

Just then he walked straight up to Porter’s face with an icy stare.

“This isn’t your Father’s business. This is mine, and I’ll do whatever I want with it.”

“It just became my Dad’s business when I got on board.” Porter reminded him, “He wouldn’t be too happy if I lost my job because of you-”.

His little speech was cut off by Francis’ howl of laughter.

“If you think your Daddy’s gonna send his pals over to beat me up because of your job, you really don’t know your Dad the way I do.”

“Ok, call him up. You’re so confident that he’ll take this well, pick up the phone and tell him.”

Just then, Francis’ shit eating grin faded and an angry scowl took its place.

“The thing about bluffs Francis,” Porter said, “Is that they only work when you don’t immediately back down the first time someone calls them.”

“Fine.” He said bitterly, “I got the message, alright? There won’t be anymore robberies around here. But don’t you ever get confrontational with me again, you got it?”

“Fair enough.” Porter said as he walked towards the monitors.

Francis then walked towards the door before stopping.

“One more thing, no more of this ‘Francis’ shit.” He demanded, “From now on, you refer to me as ‘Mr. Afton’.”

#fnaf #Fazbears 1985 au #Good to be back

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