#But I found out yesterday my mom (who is severely physically disabled and needs close care) has COVID again
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bro made chicken nugget dipping sauce poll with 10 options and then offered. 2 dipping sauce options. mayo. and 7 options of just words
Yep! Because it’s my poll and I can do anything I want with it. It’s nice to have power, isn’t it? Feel free to not vote on it next time, since I’m going to block you, since I’m getting REAL tired of these comments. :-)
Seriously, though. Why the hell do people care so much about this poll??? It wasn’t meant to be so serious, my dudes. I would have thought that based on the way it was written, people would have realized it was literally just a joke about something I was mildly interested in. It wasn’t meant to be that serious.
Then again, people on this webbed sight always have liked pissing on the poor, so….
#Stop sending me these messages. It ain’t cute#I turned off anon though so that I can just block people sending me these messages now#Not only is this week incredibly stressful due to internship and work requirements#But I found out yesterday my mom (who is severely physically disabled and needs close care) has COVID again#And my dad has to take care of her since she’s you know… disabled and has COVID#And I don’t drive so I have to be around him at least for an hour a day while in the car to and from my internship#So yeah#Not a fun week and I don’t want to deal with people hating on a silly little post I made#🙄#It’s a good thing I’ve moved passed the place where I care too deeply about what strangers say on the internet#There was a time this all would have really affected me and made me spiral#But I’m just Done with it all#If you don’t like it piss off
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I work in a secondhand bookstore that also sells comics, graphic novels, and manga (also CDs, records, DVDs, and random knickknacks people give us, but that’s neither here nor there). I tend to work in the shelves, particularly in the kid’s and YA sections, the sci fi and fantasy section, and the comic/graphic novel section. I’m usually in for the closing shift, so I see most of my younger customers early in my shift and later interact more with adults and teenagers over children once it hits bedtime for little ones.
Yesterday, a family came in about halfway through my shift: a mom who was very interested in the Wicca and witchcraft section, a 14yo girl who was an avid reader and wanted to look through literally everything like the bookworm she was, and an eight year old girl. The little sister was nervously poking around in the kid’s books, particularly the picture books, and furtively keeping an eye on me any time I passed by her while I went about moving things from the carts onto the shelves and re-ordering books that were in the wrong places.
After a good ten minutes or so I decided to check if she needed help finding something or if she wanted to find her mom, who was just out of sight (though to her credit, the mom was well within earshot if something happened and her daughter was behaving herself). The kiddo was very nervous when I approached, but I’ve got a lot of practice handling nervous customers and I love working with kids, so I was careful not to get in her space or loom over her.
It turned out that Tessa (as I’ll call her here) has a learning disability (possibly undiagnosed dyslexia) that means her reading skills lagged behind compared to her second-grade peers. Poor kiddo was very embarrassed to be looking through the books meant for kindergartners and was worried I might judge her.
As someone who is on the autism spectrum I’m well aware of how mean kids and adults alike can be over perceived differences. So I was very careful to make it clear that there was nothing to be ashamed of, reading isn’t easy for everyone and there were options besides the kindergarten aged picture books that she could look into. And what do you know, she lit right up!
While I’m not dyslexic myself, a few friends of mine are—as is my younger sister’s best friend—so I had some ideas of what to look for. After a bit of talking it over, we found her a few graphic novels aimed at her age range and some kid-appropriate manga, as well as several audiobooks on cd and physical copies to read along with. Her mom was very happy to get it all for her (apparently it was the main reason they came in) and Tessa was ecstatic, bouncing around like a puppy and raring to go get started on reading.
I’m sad I couldn’t let her hug me given the pandemic, but hey, the satisfaction of knowing I made that kid’s day was a pretty good trade-off in my opinion. I hope she comes in again sometimes, I can’t wait to hear how her reading journey goes!!
#personal#cute#bookstore#anyone who shames people with learning disabilities can kiss my ass#actually autistic
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So, fun (not fun at all) fact:
*TRIGGER WARNING*
(also probably nothing you want to read so...)
Yesterday, even though it's not written anywhere and by government and general medical staff is not official... I've become disabled.
I never wanted this to happen to me. I bet no one lays on their bed and think: "oh, wouldn't it be cool if tomorrow I go to my doc's and he tells me: hun, you're disabled."
This conversation I was having with him was already going terribly wrong because... There's honestly a lot of fucked up things going on whenever I have to go see this particular doctor.
This doctor is my psychiatrist. We've been seeing each other for 3 years and a half. Previously, he saw my mom, when she was alive and treated her to his best. I requested my mom's medical records because... Oh well, it just looks to me I'm losing it the same way she did but faster. I got denied, clearly. Med records are BS and gosh the bureaucracy you have to go to get a sheet of paper is really a pain in the ass.
My mum died 3 years and a half ago. This is no one's business so, I'm just ranting because... Idk. Keeping it on my chest just fucking hurts. It was very sudden. She told all the doctors, the nurses, the auxiliaries, my father and family not to disclose a single word about what was going on. She was at the hospital for 17 days and I found out she was dying 2 days before she did. I never even got to say goodbye. So of course, my already existing depression got worse and I went through loss and had to verbally abuse my family doctor into getting me a psychiatrist because my family doctor didn't think I needed one.
Before that I had struggled for years on end with depression. I tried to commit suicide several times and almost succeeded twice. I was medically dead for maybe like a minute before they brought me back. But of course, because depression is not considered a real illness among my family members (even my mum who had suffered from it turned a blind eye) and the society I live in, everything just got ruled out as a mistake.
A fucking mistake.
I found early on that hurting myself was a shameful but useful way to take my mental pain away and cover it by physical one. So as an 11 year old pre-teen/child I scratched the living shit out of myself and blamed the dog or my clumsiness on it and, even if no one believed it, they nodded their heads. And that's honestly part of what I wanted. I didn't want people to find out I self-harmed myself, that I was depressed or that life was meaningless to me as whole most of the time, because I knew it would pain people around me and gosh, maybe it's because I'm a Pisces, or really empathic. Or maybe just plain stupid. I thought lying to them and myself was the best thing to do. Was I wrong.
There was a side of me that craved constantly that someone would notice that I wasn't okay and they would explain to me why that happened to me or how I could make it stop or whatever. I just... Didn't want people to know I did all that shit to myself.
So I kept all my emotions bottled. I saw people suffer around me and voicing it. I saw how those people got attention from teachers and family and friends and they treated them with cottons. And I didn't want that. I didn't want a different treatment. I didn't want people to pity me. I just wanted someone to tell me how to make it stop. And since I knew no one would be able to explain it to me without me having to talk about every single thing in my life that hurt me... I kept my mouth shut. I kept it shut for so many years that when it came the time to voice them, nothing came out.
I used sarcasm to cover my pain when I talked about thing that hurt me because I was on therapy and I had to talk about what hurt me. And I talked about it like I was a third person seeing a little girl's life get ruined over and over again. And then, my therapist told me she had patients that needed help more than I did. With a single sentence she invalidated all my pain. She invalidated a year of me trying to open up for the first time in 20 years. And I had a breakdown. Had to be stopped by nurses, was sent to my psychiatrist. Was sent to a mental hospital and my friends thought I was a weirdo. I isolated myself and no one cared. No one reached out. And I focused myself on writing and living through social media and good feeling dramas to pretend I wasn't damaged.
But it never worked. And I had be admitted again and again in the hospital. I tried all the pills, I took them all without a single complain because I just wanted to be normal, to lead a normal life.
I enrolled in school and I got kicked because I couldn't get out of bed. I was either too depressed or too drugged to live a normal life. And I got invalidated again. And I got scared, that this would happen to me for the rest of my life.
On the several times I stayed at the mental hospital I saw all kinds of people. I saw people so kind and non judgemental, people that understood me. But they weren't nurses nor doctors. They were patients. People much older than me, people that could have been my mum or my grandma, that saw a little broken girl and showed more care than people that have been with me for years.
And I got kicked from the mental hospital too. Because I used sarcasm. Because I smiled. Because I was kind. Because I was trying to live a normal life. Because they all said the same shit since I could understand the words: "you're highly intelligent, you could do better than this, you can stop this". But wouldn't I made it stop if I could?
And life got worse and then better and worse again. And I smiled, I laughed and talked. And people never saw the ugly, depressed side of me. Because I chose not to show it. Because I didn't want to hurt them by showing them it.
And then yesterday, after 3 years and a half of constant pills, treatments, admissions, opening the bottle that spilled my emotions evenly. I finally broke.
I used sarcasm. And my psychiatrist said to me: "You are so intelligent and have learned to hide things so well... You talk about your problems in a joking manner. That's why people who haven't seen you the way I've seen you behind this closed door can't see the pain you're going through. At this point, there's nothing much else I can do for you. I'm a doctor, I give people medicine to help them boost so they can continue working. But no matter what I give you, there's something stopping you and I can't do anything with my methods anymore but keep you drugged and sleepy so you don't hurt yourself. You are afraid of studying or working because they've kicked you out. There's places you could try to go to. Places where with your disability they would understand if you couldn't make it a day."
And the world stopped for me.
What did he mean by "disabled"?
People at the mental hospital, younger people, craved that title. So they could free themselves from many things. So they could get stability without having to apologise for what they couldn't do. They wanted to be disabled mentally so they had an excuse.
But I don't. I've only wanted to move on, heal and get to where I could get because of my own merits. And now it's not possible because I carry a title that will have people look at me in a different light. And no one knows what went inside those walls. I don't want it to happen. But it's there. It's true. I can't change it.
Someone finally admitted what I knew but didn't want to admit seriously because I was and am scared. I'm broken. And I will never be fixed. And even if I got fixed, I would never be the same.
There's two only treatments available for me. Imagine your average psychiatric ward from 1930's and their inhumane treatments. That's the only medical choice I have left. And they can't warrantee it will meld the broken pieces.
Is this the only thing left in my life? A fake smile, electroshock and inner pain? Is that all you can see in my eyes?
So what if I'm broken? Haven't I been for a long time? Am I not the same as I was before? Why are they looking at me differently?
Why can't I see myself in the mirror as I was anymore?
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My Life at Present
So here’s a summary of what’s going on without the venting.
Since 2012, I’ve been living with my grandmother because my mother won’t let me stay with her or even support me. This is because she married a far-right, arrogant snob who has brainwashed my mom with his severely-individualistic ideology. He’s also controlling her life to a large degree. Therefore, I can’t depend on them to be there for me if I need them anymore because they think letting me die on street if I can’t find work is moral.
I have been trying to find a job. I’ve struggled very much with employment. Due to ADD, Aspergers, generalized anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder, I’ve had an extremely hard time with working. I’ve managed, at most, a three-month part time job teaching a physics lab. Work for teaching though is just sparse, and I can’t teach at grade school level due to my disabilities. Other kinds of work are pretty much out of the question due to that as well. Nevertheless, I’m still trying to become employed, working with vocational rehabilitation to overcome ergophobia, mental health issues, and be a productive adult because I want to be a productive adult.
Unfortunately, my home life is atrocious. My grandmother has borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. She doesn’t think she’s sick. She doesn’t want help. She grew up and have lived her life believing she has the moral high ground no matter what she’s doing. This makes her extremely ignorant, arrogant, and hypocritical.
She’s also very lazy, doing no work and blaming it on disabilities that don’t prevent her from doing chores or getting out of the house. She instead forces everyone living with her to serve her like maids, and if she doesn’t get what she wants, she engages in emotional abuse and childish behavior until she gets what she wants. It creates a very toxic environment for anyone living with her that causes others to develop depression. She is downright evil when it comes to how she treats others. Unfortunately, though, she’s the only person who will pay for my doctor visits and medications so I don’t become so sick from my own mental health issues that I have to be hospitalized, but she’s also producing so much emotional abuse that it drives me to deep depression, anger, and hatred to the point where I might be hospitalized anyway from being pushed to suicidal ideation under my grandmother’s abusive behavior.
And I’m not the only one suffering. My brother’s girlfriend is suffering under my grandmother’s abuse and abuse from her family. She has so many disabilities that she can’t even hope to work, but society treats her like trash, and she’s struggling to get disability income. She is mistreated by our “free” mental healthcare clinic that is underfunded. I’ve done my best to provide emotional support, but I wish I could do more for her.
In short, my life is hell. I have been getting help thanks to vocational rehab and given hope, but under the extreme emotional abuse of a grandmother I can only describe as evil, I really fear snapping.
This only got worse yesterday when I learned that my grandmother found out that I was crossdressing one night when a family member staying with us told her. It wasn’t my brother, but another family member. I normally don’t crossdress unless she’s out of town, and she was at this time, but I didn’t know if the other family member cared.
My grandmother is a huge bigot, and thus I fear being evicted or bullied for being genderfluid and bisexual. She’s also very nosy. So far, though, she has not said anything, but it might be a matter of time before she does. I don’t know if she will say anything or hold it against me, or if she fears what I’ll do to her if she confronts me about it.
Yeah, she’s afraid of me, but only because her abuse has driven me to become some monster I don’t want to be at times. She makes me so angry and depressed because of her abuse that I want to scream and destroy things to make her stop. It’s not often that happens anymore thanks to proper medication, but she doesn’t understand that her abusive behavior is causing me to become a monster that I don’t want to become, and therefore is sealing her own fate more or less. If she treated me properly and with respect, I would not have a problem with her nor have major depression and anxiety.
In moments when the abuse gets severe, I wish for a way out like a job or income that will let me take control from my grandmother. Money for meds and psychiatrist visits, or even a vehicle, or even a place to live so I can take her out of the equation and focus on my own disability case and my employment so I can become a productive adult with a sense of achievement. I’ve accomplished a lot already, getting a master’s in meteorology in 2012, which is something no-one else in my family has come close to, but at the same time getting nothing but abuse and contempt from my family. At times, I feel the world hates me because I should be more successful in employment than I am now, yet no-one wants to hire me over 9000 excuses or not being competitive enough. Isn’t a master’s in science enough to show that I’m smart and capable despite my disabilities?
The point is, my life is not good. It’s overall pretty bad, and at times I don’t know what to do. I have hope for a future with my BF @distyduskdraws, who is a wonderful person and a beautiful person. We both loves dressing up and being pretty, and we have a strong romantic relationship built around love for one another and a love for dresses, not sexual pleasure, and it makes me happy knowing him and being with him. I’m working hard to get my life together so I can be there for him and support him so we can be happy feminine guys one days instead of me living with Satan incarnate and him dealing with a job he hates and a conservative family that would never accept him as a cross dresser.
I wish I could draw like my friends who draw for money. I can tutor, but Tumblr is a terrible place for asking for that. Wyzant, a tutoring board, has produced very little work for me so far, but it’s a start. I just wish I get help financially and otherwise to end my life of abuse for good and not worry about having to depend on a family of evil people for my needs.
So this is a summary of current events. I’m making this as objective and non-depressing as possible.
In short, or TL;DR, I’m living under a very emotionally-abusive grandmother and have no support from family. I’m trying to become independent, but disabilities and terrible employment prospect make it all but impossible even with the help of vocational rehab, which is slow. I really wish I could find another way of supporting myself so I can take control of my life and help reduce the abuse I suffer until I move out for good. I’m scared of snapping under the abuse, especially since my transphobic grandmother knows I have crossdressed recently. I hope maybe people can help me out. Thank you for reading.
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Can I afford a new car with minimum wage?
Can I afford a new car with minimum wage?
I am looking to buy a 2011 Mitsubishi Lancer DE with a manual transmission which retails for about $15K. I live with my parents and would love a new car ( especially the Lancer since ive been a fanatic of the Evolution for as long as I can remember , but need a better commuter ) and I am about to go to my first year in College. If I cannot completely afford the car, than my parents offered they can support me as I purchase the car but I would like to see how well I would be able to pay it off on my own with a Job paying about $8 per hour. Thank you for any help!
BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :INSUREQUOTE.US
SOURCES:
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Random Qs
Survey #52 on the Countdown to 2018!
This one is from yesterday since I got home late, but at least it’s pretty current. I finished it close to midnight and it’s only 12:12 AM right now. I’m trying to post them as soon they’re finished.
How would you spend a day at the beach?
I would want to do more than hang out on the shoreline honestly. We're about two hours away from Galveston, TX.
I like going to the shops and some of the restaurants that look out on the beach. They also have an ice cream parlor that's great if it's summertime, but I'll go to the beach in the winter too.
Have you ever experienced altitude sickness?
I've never had that, but my ears have popped from going up on mountain drives before.
Was the last show you watched a rerun?
I last watched an old Gojira film I recorded which was on El Rey Network during their Kaiju Christmas Marathon.
"Have a very kaiju Christmas. It's the best time of the year. There won't be snow or mistletoe, but have a cup of kaiju cheer.
Have a very kaiju Christmas. And in case you didn't hear: oh, by golly, have a jolly Kaiju Christmas this year." #KaijuChristmas
Is there any event you wish to remember more clearly?
I have a poor memory that falls in line with other learning disabilities, but there's one major benefit.
It's so much easier to live in the here and now when your memory isn't good. My problems used to be my long-term, but it's done a 180 on me.
When your school has a snow day, how do you spend it?
We only had an "ice day" that one time when everything iced over in SETX. So I stayed the hell indoors, what do you think?
For you, what's the hardest thing about writing?
Depends on the topic really. I don't find fanfiction that hard since I'm full of ideas, but I'm less motivated to write journal entries.
If you could change your gender for a day, would you?
I would always say I wouldn't, but now I think I'd try it for just a day. How would people treat me differently? It wouldn't be a bad thing to experience for only a day, but I wouldn't want to be a dudebro full-time.
Do you respond to the people that yell out their car windows at you?
I don't drive and my mother usually drives me. She doesn't incur people's wrath that often, but I don't yell out the window at anyone if they're yelling at us. The only one with road rage in our family seems to be my father.
What’s your biggest priority right now?
My health is almost always my number one concern. My genetics are terrible so I'm obese with diabetes and hidradenitis, and I had endometriosis back when I had a uterus, cervix and tubes.
All of my ills both physical and mental are my shitty genetic inheritance from both sides of my family. None of them are unrelated to my relatives.
Do you ever make a big deal out of nothing?
I don't dramatize things I find to be small since that's useless. But if you just brush off the feelings of someone you love by saying it isn't even a real issue then you might not be doing them justice.
I've known and loved some people who honestly dramatized everything, though, and I just didn't feed into that myself.
Did you pay attention to anything you were being taught in health class?
I didn't pay attention to most of my classes since a lot of things they teach in public schools here tend to be garbage, like popular myths in history class or the subjective and sometimes outdated information in English classes.
I only focused on a few different things in my literature arts classes and some art projects.
If you’ve stayed overnight in a hospital, how did you entertain yourself?
That's only happened once or twice. The last time I felt fatigued and wasn't allowed to get up for hours so I mostly watched TV that night.
I had my uterus, cervix and tubes all removed after dealing with endometriosis and other concurrent problems since my first period at age nine. But they treated me like I was much older. I should've been allowed up sooner.
What does it feel like to fall asleep in someone’s arms?
I've never found it very comfortable.
Do you recall the first time you learned the truth about sex?
My middle school was going to educate us on our periods, but they called it "Sex Ed" when they told our parents.
Mine assumed I was about to get the 411 on everything so my mother gave me "the talk" first in a bizarrely clinical way. Awkward.
How do you hold or position your pillow while you sleep?
I use two of them and sometimes I'll hug the edges.
What's a common sleeping position for you?
I prefer my right side unless I need to digest well.
Have you ever rubbed anyone’s feet?
I remember doing that for my maternal grandmother as a kid and I didn't find it to be horrible.
Is there a food that makes you sick just thinking about it?
Not really, but I love foods like octopus and squid sashimi or even crawfish. I'm more open to foods that some people find gross. I've only ever thrown up after eating a lot of spinach. I really can't stand that on its own.
What's one thing you fantasize or daydream about doing?
I don't really do that regarding my own life, I'll just do that over fanfic ideas.
When was the last time you were on a swing set?
I haven't been on one since we lived in our second house, but I don't remember my age when I stopped using my swing set.
Have you ever had perfect attendance in school?
I don't remember.
Have you ever written anything on a bathroom stall?
I've never felt the desire to do that.
Do you find extreme bodybuilders attractive?
I'm not attracted to that at all.
Do you or would you own a pair of giant sunglasses?
I'd rather not.
Are your hands unsteady?
They definitely shake chronically after trying several medications in my late adolescence.
Are you envious of anyone’s artistic abilities?
I don't waste my time envying other people's talents and skills. If I want to do something myself then I'll focus on learning it since it's possible to do a lot without being innately gifted. If I can't learn it then I should focus on the gifts I've already got.
Do you ignore people when you’re mad or upset with them?
It's in my nature to confront things. I'm courageous, headstrong and outspoken so I don't retreat most of the time.
I've learned to just ignore people if they can't handle an honest conversation, though. If you're not mature enough to do that, I'm not going to bother paying attention to what you've got to complain about.
Are you starting to realize anything?
I just realized I need to get to bed soon. I'll continue this survey later today and I'm stopping at 2:35 AM on the 28th.
Are you okay right now?
I'm restarting this at 10:58 PM the same day and I'm doing really good after a night out with family members and a friend.
Is there anything you can never forget?
Short of amnesia or senility, there are tons of things I'm not going forget.
Are you stubborn?
Usually.
Has anyone told you that you’re amazing?
Yes.
Have you ever cried uncontrollably on a boy’s shoulder before?
I haven't done that on anyone's shoulder. I've cried on my mother's as a child, but I wasn't uncontrollably sobbing on her. That's not something I'd find comforting.
Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you are now?
I never dwelt on the past or the future.
Who were you last in a car with?
My mother and my cousin.
What time did you get up today?
I don't know what time it was when I first woke up, but I went back to bed since I felt sick. It was about three in the afternoon when I finally got up and didn't feel so bad, though.
Have you ever slept on a couch with someone?
I haven't.
Who called you at midnight on your birthday?
I'm thankful that no one does that.
When was the last time you saw your mom?
Just a few minutes ago.
What's the last thing you drank today?
Diet Mt. Dew.
Who did you last talk to in person?
My mother.
Is it easy for someone to make you smile and laugh?
It depends on my mood, the situation, who it is.
Do you ever choke on your own spit?
I remember that happening before throwing up since my saliva gets hot and I'll start drooling. /TMI
Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough?
If I'm not good enough for someone else then I don't need them in my life. I don't need to be loved by everyone, though, I just need to be loved by God and a few good people. I am so I'm very blessed.
What’s standing in the way of what you want right now, if anything?
Realistically, there are things I can't have. The main thing is better health. I just have horrible genetics. Other things I could ask for are relatively minor and I have the things I honestly need in life.
Are you scared of moving on?
There isn't anything I've feared moving on from in my life. I'm pretty adaptable and some changes are great.
If someone loved you right now, would you want them to tell you?
I'm not interested in romantic love these days. But it would be better for them to get it off their chest and know that I'm not looking for a partner and that I may never feel that way about them. Rejection is better than unrequited love.
Is anything bothering you?
Not right now.
Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight?
I sincerely hope not since I hate talking on the phone.
Have you ever loved someone older than you?
I think all of my exes have been older and I prefer them to be so by at least five years.
Has your partner ever stayed up with you all night?
Maybe on the phone? I'm not sure.
Have you ever stayed up all night on the phone?
I really don't remember if it was that long, but I know we spent hours.
Are you afraid to grow up?
I'm 31, thanks, and I'm more content as an adult than I was as a child.
Are you looking forward to anything?
We might be going to Galveston tomorrow depending on the weather and how everyone feels. I don't know, they've changed their plans so many times that looking forward to it is difficult now. If it happens then that's great.
Have you ever been called a bitch?
I've had friends call me an "alpha bitch" before, though. They know I'm outspoken, dominant, strong-willed, etc. That's not something that bothers me. It just depends on the context and intentions in that case.
If that's happened before with others in a negative sense, it wasn't by anyone I personally cared about. I don’t really remember.
Could you use some sleep right now?
If I'm getting up at nine tomorrow morning then I need to go to bed by at least one or two, but I'm not tired just yet.
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