#FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE ONE MIGHT EVEN SAY

[ninjautistic]

I don't remember this but HOLY FUCKING SHIIIIIITT LLOYD WAS CONFIRMED TO BE AT LEAST 9 YEARS OLD HERE AND HE WAS ABLE TO DO THAT??? JESUS FUCK

#This might be proof that lloyd is quite jacked #i mean lloyd literally cracked the entire floor split open under ONE fucking FIST #and in dragons rising lloyd literally blocked the empress' sword on her big mech with his tiny ass gold sword #and lloyd also literally lifted and threw kai across the ship in dragons rising too.. #and in the magazine comics (not entirely canon sadly) lloyd threw a big ass enormous fucking vengestone mech in his oni form with his HANDS #ANNNNDDD lloyd can even handle the power of the source dragon in dragons rising.. #ANNNNNDD the original ending for crystallised was gonna be about lloyd lost in his oni form and beating the overlords ass and rule ninjago.. #in which apparently the ninja save him from the power of FRIENDSHIP #lloyd literally fell on piles of glass and wasn't bothered by it #HE WAS 9 AND HE FELL ON PILES OF GLASS WITH NO HESITATION!?!?! #fucking OUCH #and yet wu says lloyd is “the wise one” fuck that shit he should become a GOD #lloyd literally risked to sacrifice his life to the three dragon cores in dragons rising like holy fucking shit I'd marry him #if lloyd was a villain I'd fucking root for him so hard I'd be on my knees they should make it happen PLEASE PLES PLEASEE #sorry i love lloyd hes my wife #ninjago #ninjago fandom #lloyd garmadon #lloyd montgomery garmadon #lloyd garmadon ninjago #ninjago lloyd #lloyd ninjago #ninjago lloyd garmadon

[rithmeres]

genuinely these panels are going to make me ugly cry

#i'm not back for real yet i think i want to stay away longer. i'm just here to put more things in the queue and answer messages #i really enjoyed trimax vol 4 idk something about it was less miserable than 1-3 #might have been the first volume that i wasn't grimacing the entire time i read it. or maybe i'm just desensitized now. #unironically this prayer is soooo beautiful to me. give us this day our daily bread. not bread for the week not bread for a year #just enough for today. #lately when i've been praying it just looks like #please for the love of god please please please please please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPL #things are not looking good for the community house.. lots bureaucracy with the city. and the church that funded us is falling apart #i don't know what i'm going to do if we get shut down it's the one thing in my life that's worth anything #all those kids... where are they going to go. who is going to help them. where is the neighborhood going to get their food. #in two days it will be the anniversary of [REDACTED] and i am so so so scared #just sat in my room today and fruitlessly scrolled thru jobs im not qualified for & tried not to think about thinking about killing myself #i don't WANT to kill myself i don't want to think about it i hate thinking about killing myself i will never ever kill myself or even try #but there is a demon or perhaps a ghost or evil wizard that tells me there's an easy way everything can go away. and it's A STUPID. BITCH. #please do not reply to this post i know you all mean well but i just don't think i can handle it. #talking about it i mean. and hearing people say nice but empty things. #i just wish i had someone to sit next to me. #personal #i don't want to go to church tomorrow :( it all feels so fake and i do not ever feel fed.

[steelycunt]

starting 2 finish up research and move into trying to create some sort of plan and. this r is sooo. oh my. he is the loneliest girl in the world but like actually this time. he is so very. he needs a hug so terribly much he is such a sock in need of darning he needs a little kiss he needs. even just one single friend

#r in an au is often sooo crazy because it’s like imagine the guy that this friendless + melancholy boy would become if #instead of making friends 4 life at age eleven he simply continued to be friendless + melancholy for his entire adolescence #he needs. he soo desperately needs someone who is not his mother to grab him by the shoulders and go hello i like you i like spending time #with you i think the things you have to say are interesting and i would consider you my friend. or he might die......... #still need to give this thing a . fucking title huh. i have one in the works but i dont like it all that much. usually the title is the #first thing i come up with this is. crazy 4 me what even is this thing if it doesnt have a pretentious nonsense little titular phrase #anyway r he is so. he loves his home so fiercely he doesnt feel like its his he never wants to leave he thinks if he doesnt get out #he might die his home is everything 2 him he wants to turn his home into something that does not make him so unbearably sad and #lonely and like a stranger or he will not be able to stay here he. wants his dad to like him as well as loving him he wants the things he #loves to love him back he wants. a friend. well dont worry i am going to give him a pretty boy to. hold hands with justhold on babygirl... #pride au

[eddis-not-eeddis]

Okay, but how hard is it to just.

Not.

Write a love-triangle.

It cannot possibly be that hard.

#i'm going through my shelves and weeding out the good from the bad starting with the books that i suspect are not so good #and if there is a love triangle is immediately goes in the box #i am too tired for this #(i bought a LOT of books at book fairs over the past three years) #and even though i typically read 50-100 books a year #when i buy 300 every book sale #there is no way to make it through them all #i must cull #starting with triangles #(i've even found some squares) #(one might have been a hexagon but i stopped skimming when the third dude arrived on scene) #good grief #most girls struggle to net even one man #and here are all of these heroines barely able to beat off entire hordes with broom-sticks #it's being laid on a bit thick when there are three+ gents hanging around #i'm just saying #at that point i think all four+ people involved need to have a sit-down and reevaluate life choices #the problem with these books is a lot of them are vintage and i bought them based on title and prettiness since they have no blurbs #i've found a few truly wonderful treasures #but most are mediocre at best #and a few have been absolutely tragically awful

[magentagalaxies]

.

#this might be both oversharing and being too vague rn but it's 2am and i'm emotionally exhausted #i can't believe during one of the most traumatic moments i've had in the past year i was lucky enough to have scott as my biggest supporter #the entire time as i was going through it he was so supportive giving me space to process shit and always having my back #and yet there are some people in my life who are always going to villainize him for one comment he said during that time out of context #or even if they're not ''villainizing'' him i now feel like i have to begin every sentence about scott with #''yeah we don't agree on everything but we're still friends and isn't that amazing!'' #which yeah that is true and i do genuinely enjoy when scott and i disagree and are respectful about it #BUT WHY DOES THAT HAVE TO BE THE FIRST THING I SAY ABOUT HIM???? #and honestly that whole experience made me agree with scott on way more than i started out with #i'm proud of how i was able to grow as a person and for the fact that it brought me and scott much closer together #but that shit i went through at my college was still traumatic. and it did change me as a person #it completely changed my relationship to activism in a way i'm not happy about bc i want to be more of an activist #but when i had someone use social justice language to justify horrible things against me it's hard not to be wary #of how hollow and performative a lot of conversations can be #and like i'll even say it. like people might get mad at me for admitting it #but that whole traumatic situation has irrevocably changed my relationship to gender as well #or at least how i label myself and how i move through these conversations #and in some ways i'm grateful for it bc i do feel like i know myself more and like i don't have to worry about what others' think #or even what other people understand #but it shouldn't have had to go down like that. and as much as the time i got to spend with scott during that time was so much fun #and such a great experience and he was truly the perfect support system during that time #he shouldn't have had to deal with that and neither should i #and the fact that scott somehow got villainized in some people's minds while the person who actually caused that trauma #is instead treated like ''yeah he was a bit misguided and made a mistake but he was probably anxious about it!! he's just a person!!'' #that's never going to stop being painful. especially the idea that with the importance people put on labels #i would supposedly have more ''community solidarity'' with that asshole than a cis gay man like scott #idk i think i'm past the timeframe of that traumatic experience bc it's not consuming every day like it used to a few weeks back #but something triggered it tonight so i just need to process it. anyway shoutout to scott for being there for me i really needed it

[hookedonyonics]

anyone else get put on the pill basically immediately after they got their period, then were off it while chronically depressed and cycling through antidepressants, then had a hormonal IUD for 8 years?

My IUD finally wore off a while ago and it's been so weird since.. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like some weird emotional stuff but also sexually...

Like. Is this just being a woman and hitting my sexual stride approaching my 30s? Or did I inadvertently like dampen or block off access to my sexuality for 14 years...

#i need to read your brain on birth control -_- need some mf answers #for context im celibate but shit has been fucked recently... i feel like an entirely different person except im not susposed to be this one #also ive been such a proponent of the hormonal IUD but i think i might have been wrong about it... much to think and learn about #i feel embarrassed even saying this but ive been fantasizing about men. who i know. like. wtf. like am i just honrier #and coincidentally am friends with men for the first time in my life #or like. am i not a lesbian????????????????? i feel like hp in the order of the phoenix 😭 what is happening to me #lol honrier **hornier #anyway sorry for any other lesbians who read this... anytime i read about a lesbian being like actually im bi i die a lil. not that im bi #but like. obviously going through a crisis this last while #anyway im fine im planning on getting my ass on some dates and meeting some women and have your brain on bc reserved at the library

[the-unholy-trinity]

They really just did that to me huh

#five nights at freddy's movie #just got back from the cinema #the movie was so good #one might even say golden #fnaf movie #the entire theater was CHEERING #best movie experience of my life #matpat you LIAR #this feels like a fever dream #definitely recommend #can't wait til it comes out on dvd #going feral

[prismatoxic]

bpd is super cool and fun bc if i am attached to someone and they like someone else more than me, i either:

resent the person i have never met (bc they're better than me)

resent the person i am attached to (bc they don't like me more)

OR

resent myself (for not being good enough)

and it usually happens bc the other person has a fucking romantic interest in the person they "like more". fam i do not even want that with you why am i acting like it's a competition

it also happens with best friends though. like. why does my little pea brain think i need to be the ~best friend~ of everyone i latch onto like a parasitic worm. that's too many people i can't be a best friend every time

and on one memorable occasion, i felt it about a FUCKING CAT, which is all new levels of pathetic (me and the cat became friends though)

#yes the cat was spunky and yes i felt very bad about it #i have been this way my entire life and only recently was i given the language to identify it #like i can point at so many relationships and say “yeah i was fucked up about it bc they had someone they were closer to” #the bpd urge to be everyone's most important person #it gets worse the more i care about someone and is the most violently upsetting with FPs #i do not know if i have one of those rn but some past/current? ones are inspiring The Feeling #and this is not anyone's fault. this is not something that can be Fixed in any healthy way #it is something for me to figure out myself #so if you think this is about you: please don't feel bad #please do not contort yourself to fit this impossible shape that will please me #we are friends and i care about you regardless of my nature and i do not blame you #i was burned very hard ~a year ago by an FP and it has left lasting psychological scars i am still grappling with. that is not your fault #it isn't even MY fault #which is the hardest part to accept i think #i am seeing my therapist tomorrow and i will probably bring this up. we're very new to each other but this is like My Biggest Struggle #so i should make a point of telling him lmao #anyway. thanks for reading the tags. i think i might take a nap #bpd posting #tox.txt

[viktortittiforov]

the 2010s sure were a time in my life

#there's just....... there's just something about that time #it might have something to do with 2011 being the year i started high school and 2019 being the year i finished my BA #and also the last year before the pandemic #I DON'T KNOW I JUST. THINKING BACK ON IT THERE IS THIS MYSTIQUE TO THAT TIME. THIS STRANGE EXCITEMENT #which is most likely a result of me finally beginning to feel like i can shape my own life and who i am and daydreaming abt a better future #and like exploring myself. in 2010 i turned 14 and fully realised i'm bi and throughout the decade #i experimented with a variety of different like...... identifications and imaginations of who i am #some of those were quite consumer identities (e.g. i strove to be and was a very hipster teen) but nevertheless #i don't know dudes like. the pandemic took a lot from me in terms of ability to be excited about what's to come i think #even though my life is pretty good i'd say #but also maybe that's just what it's like to grow into adulthood and get a job etc. SIGH why am i writing an entire fucking essay #abt my 2010s teenagehood nostalgia #like majority of those years also SUCKED because i had zero real irl friends and was really lonely lmfao #it felt like life didn't really start for me yet #and i was constantly waiting to burst into it. maybe that's the mystique. constantly hoping i am on the precipice of smth extraordinary #is nostalgia for one's teenage yrs inevitable? even if you feel like you missed out on most experiences considered quintessentially teenage? #i only started having Teenage Experiences™ when i went to uni lmfao (i.e. early 20s) #but idk it's such a loaded period psychologically and it's horrible and frustrating when you're living it but then you think back on it #and you're like man..... sure was a time huh. wow #but idk my experience could also be influenced by so many other variables #e.g. smartphones and social networks becoming widespread and common #that was also a pretty significant thing that happened #anyway i think i'm abt to run out of tags so. that's it #sry this shoulda gone into my diary probably but i inflicted it on you instead #neptalks

[puff-the-bunny]

Alright, help me decide. Doing a cosplay and meshing together two different adaptations of a character, so the colors are slightlyyy different between versions. No context for the rest of the design HADFYHADF VOTE WITH YOUR HEART !!

#I REALLY LIKE ONE OF THE VERSIONS OF THIS DESIGN #HOWEVER... I REAAAALLY don't want to paint 40000 scales by hand #(i've already had to do it when drawing this fella... not fun *then* either IADFHAUF) #(I'M ALREADY BEING LOOSE W/ MY INTERPRETATION OF THE DESIGN) #(NOT MY FAULT HALF THIS ART IS SO VAGUE) #(<<<<<< don't listen to her. she loves the art so much that she's studied it. it's everything she wants to be able to do.) #for listening to me ramble you get context on the rest of this design #the rest of the design is mostly white and light blue #With a couple earthy tones... But it is MOSTLY white #(THE PILE OF WHITE FABRIC IN MY LIVING ROOM IS SO MASSIVE AND I MIGHT EVEN NEED MORE.) #more rambling #it's for a winter con #picked it like half cause he has LAYERS!!! BUT NOT A HORRIFIC AMOUNT #IF I END UP SWEATING. I FORGIVE NO ONE. #the whole point was to be comfy... #(also bc i think about this guy and get so insane i feel sick) #(yeagh. i had to call in once probably because of this guy) #(i'll probably say more on this later but this is the first time a character has ever connected with me this much in my entire life) #(and i mean that !! i honestly mean that !! AUUUUUGHHHHHH) #anyways. 30 Puff Points for anyone who sat here thru this #pat on the head kissie on the forehead

[the-trans-dragon]

Rendered inert by the crushing of fear of doing things with mediocre skills rather than with precise perfection and efficiency -> Rendered inert hesitant by the realization that I am being Very Visibly Autistic by doing things with precise perfection and efficiency -> just accepting that everyone is looking at me and thinking "oh my god, I didn't know we had THAT kind of weirdo in our community. We need to make that kind of person illegal" which *isn't true* but it's way easier to cope with, than trying to to convince myself that most people are neutral and busy being the protagonist of their own lives and not thinking about writing a memoir titled "This Fucker Is Ruining My Life By Existing Near Me: Plotting Their Demise"

Haha sorry that was just gonna be silly and lighthearted but i lost my way and ended up in Brain Troubles Land <3

#sorenhoots #hm :) i was making good progress on my Social Fears until my state nefariously and purposefully wrote bills to make my wellbeing illegal. #god. i dont know why i keep forgetting they do that. like ive watched them do it to...well...people without citizenship. my state is Extra #Passionate about No Immigrants. >:( and i didnt *forget*... its just hard to make coffee or go buy water while actively *remembering* the #manmade horrors beyond my comprehension. and then its like 'you are being paranoid. not everyone in the store is wishing you were dead.' and #like. true! not everyone. but #someone might be. and it might be someone with the power to make it happen. i mean theres at least ONE person like that here. someone #wrote that bill. and okay maybe 80% of people are neutral about me and not actively wanting to illegalize my wellbeing. but *NEUTRAL* #people can be just as deadly. the neutral people wont fight for me. and so i guess i KNOW that 'not everyone in the grocery store feels #self-righteous disgust at my existence' but it feels like it doesnt matter. it feels like things would be the same even if they did. #neutrality feels like...exile. so maybe its just easier to say 'everytime i leave the house- someone makes me feel unsafe and like a plauge #of humanity' than to explain why neutral intentions hurt if they allow my rights to be taken. #pfff. if ONLY i was *just* a plague of humanity. my entire local society would accept me with open arms! theyd publicly shame anyone who #didnt support me! theyd FIGHT laws restricting my capacity to exist! #ugh. cmon brain. theres good stuff in thr world. look. a fucking flower. goddamn. that is a fucking good flower. im so glad to exist at the #same time as flowers. theyre pretty new! fairly recent #especially compared to photosynthesis or multicellular life. thanks for existing little flower.

[wrecking]

edit: i ended up just ranting abt like the current vibe™ in the tags... sorry abt that but like also whatever i don't care anymore

#d #my food therapist really said the most real thing on planet earth when she said i'm meeting me at the same time everyone else is #i feel like a cringey overzealous emotionally dumb teenager who's a total embarrassment to everyone around me while i'm trying 2 say fuck i #cuz like this is the first time in my entire life i feel like i get to actually explore my identity and do like normal young people things #and i feel just. so so exposed in the sense that everyone is watching me make a fool of myself without a single shred of self-awareness #and it makes me so fucking mad cuz like i'm finally happy with myself!! i'm finally starting to feel like a fully formed person #instead of a 2d projection or an object or something monstrous hiding in the shadows because that's how i've spent until now imo #and like. it's hard to emotionally make peace with the fact things in my social life are changing because like. there's some part of me #that thinks that maybe if i stayed in that miserable place that maybe i wouldn't have any of the problems i have now #and like my life is a lot better. and i know that and i wouldn't change a thing. but like emotionally i guess i'm just #processing it as a fault of mine to have changed bc it's changing my relationships to others #and this isn't about any one specific thing like i've been having lots of small growing pains with a lot of ppl in my life rn i just am lik #there's a lot happening to me rn emotionally so i feel like everything i do is a fuckup and i'm just bracing for more people to go ig #which might happen or it might not and tbh either is ok at this point. i need to do this in order to live i think #idk why i'm even rambling about this i just have a lot of thoughts and i want to share them i guess. not like it does anything but like #what else is this app for at this point lmfao i barely even want to talk on here anymore because i feel like everything i say on here is #just pointless. i'm thankful i have a strong support system rn cuz genuinely i don't know what i'd do if i didn't like #i feel like everything is so much more emotionally Big to me on E and it's kind of hard trying to figure out how to manage it #like i'm basically finally getting to be me. for worse AND for better. and i just am like. insecure on some level i guess #not even over my appearance tbh i've kinda made peace with that. moreso my personality and what things i share with others #this whole post is so wholly unnecessary but i feel like i'm going to go insane if i don't get this out of my head #i've genuinely been avoiding talking about my emotions or my private life on here because i don't exactly feel safe on here anymore #which is like great. love it when my primary outlet for like. socially interacting with people casually gets compromised i love it #i literally softblocked like 30 ppl off of here so i could talk abt my weird sex stuff and my body and my deeper thoughts with ppl i trust #and then i still am too conscious about it! this always happens when i make a blog for myself to talk on #maybe i'm just not meant for talking abt things

[obihoe]

Sometimes I wonder if Madaras dad made it known to the clan that he befriended a Senju or if it was kept a secret. I feel like his dad was smart enough to keep it under wraps, but in Izuna's eyes, he came to see his brothers friend prepare to ambush him. Of course he wouldn't trust the Senjus.

Also can we assume it was the same situation where Izuna was asked to spy on Madara down by the river? The Uchihas seem closer and more respectful of each other as family based on how they address each other, and how Madara's dad asked for his opinion whether or not they could win the fight.

hmm .. i never thought abt this before tbh but i agree. i'd think that tajima and izuna probably kept that between themselves. and w izuna's distrust of the senju, i agree w that as well, its understandable from his perspective to distrust them. to an extent i would think that its probably just the default of how everyone in the clans thought about members of the others cuz u spend ur entire life thinking of them as the enemy. so its difficult to come to see them as anything else. but i also think that izuna might have been extra protective of madara cuz he saw that there's a connection between him and hashirama and couldnt relate to what madara saw in him.

the fact that madara and hashirama decided to trust each other at all was pretty exceptional and probably heavily influenced by their fate-connection, i'd think. cuz as far as we know. this was the first time for smth like this to happen. maybe thats also why madara couldnt really explain to izuna why he's tempted to give in to him and trust him. cuz in the end its just a feeling and he doesnt have all that much to back that feeling up. whereas for izuna it probably just looks like they just met each other a few times as kids and hashirama was a nice kid but that doesnt mean he's trustworthy as an adult. similar to how tobirama didnt trust madara either even after konoha's founding.

maybe izuna also thought that hashirama's peace offerings werent rly genuine either and more of a means to oppress the uchiha or force them into some type of agreement where theyre made to submit to the senju. instead of an alliance on equal grounds (which is kind of :/ cuz like .. thats pretty much exactly what ended up happening later on).

and abt the inner-family dynamics in the uchiha clan. im not sure what to think abt whether/or how they differed from those of the senju tbh cuz we only have that one snippet that u've mentioned. but obviously someone found out abt it. and madara surely didnt give out that info on his own. so its likely i think that he was spied on by someone as well.

#fragen #sry for taking millions of years to reply to this #but yeah thats what i think :) #i feel like this also puts quite an emphasis on izn's importance in mdr's life and decision-making #cuz hsrm wasnt as influenced by tbrm's opinions on this as he was by izn's #even tho tbrm from his perspective. arguably had much more reason to distrust mdr than the other way around #mdr wasnt the one making peace offerings so he must have been quite stunned by hsrm being so adament to trust him #but hsrm was still like um anyway :) i trust him. i know my feelings abt him and i know them to be true. get fucked #and tbrm just. had to go along w it lmao #but maybe it also says smth abt hsrm's qualities as a leader. tbrm and his entire clan backed him on this despite their opinions on mdr #did mdr's clansmen back him on his decision to trust hsrm too? idk. i feel like its more likely that they didnt #and agreed more w izn #and it might have added another reason as to why they lost faith in him and ended up abandoning him later #*adamant

[risingsunresistance]

ugh

#vent/rant ahead i just wanna say stuff: #forcing myself to draw for my friends and post content for my friends and keep Being Active just for other ppl is wearing me out #i WANT to continue to be a part of the community but. man this sucks fkjdhsg #it's entirely my fault. the situations i've put myself in that i dont wanna make public #(not just stuff related to art and content motivation but also Oops i Upset A Friend And Feel Horrible) #but it still sucks even if it is my fault #idk man im just running out of stuff to care about. everything is getting worse 🧍 #i'm sure i'll be here every once in a while but will i ever post a full drawing again? great question #clips? very very rarely #actual content? not likely #i have like. one thing i wanna post about at christmas (i know one of my gifts already). besides that uhhhhhhhh i've got nothing #might have one drawing/sketch for december but that's very up in the air #if you know my priv and wanna request go ahead. im always active there and that wont change unless twitter explodes #even if you've requested before and aren't in it now you can request again. i'll try to be more lenient with it (again this is my fault) #i doubt i could ever make myself straight up abandon this blog. i'll continue to answer asks and ramble when i want to #but forcing myself to be a Content Provider sucks. it's not working. i'm still sad. he's still dead. my friends are leaving. #i'm not gonna have anyone left by this time next year it'll just be me and the void lmao #too nervous to follow anyone new. too nervous to talk the friends i already have. cant hold a conversation to save my life #this is why i have like... 3 friends here (i think we're friends). sorry i never talk to you guys it's just Difficult :/ #and it's not getting any easier. not since june/july ! #all goat knows is talk about skyblock (getting harder to do). post link to song. and make 50 more non-rebloggable posts #chat #come back later #(to delete probably idk) #now the real question: is this all related to [current issues causing mood swings] or is this something that's been building since june #we'll see i guess #i could be fine a month or so from now. or tomorrow. or all the way in the summer. who knows #*attaches a picture of techno to make this seem slightly less miserable* jkfhdkg #i hate there being like 2000 people here. nearly 3000 i think. idk #i want to talk and rant without feeling like im making the world's worst apology video KJFDHKG i dont like having so many eyes on me

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do? #me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care #but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour #away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from #sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont #care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it #manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean #i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking #measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her #new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted #ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning #for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering #and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself #amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads #god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im #putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do #so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u #productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh #look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment #whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh #but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see #uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs #unrelated

[xcziel]

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#i am going to a referral to have someone look at my blood work #they sent me a dozen pages of paperwork to fill out and want me to bring my will and power of attorney #neither of which do i actually have written out and i am not going to try to put together in just a few days? #it is a consultation #like ok if i were going into the hospital but literally he's supposed to look at my blood cell count #there's not any point where they need to see my legal paperwork? #like medical history ok i understand and i understand wanting to know my medications #but i'm not disrupting my entire life for a consult that may not even be relevant? #like my referring doctor is just guessing at things now she has no idea what's going on #gonna call them and be like sorry i'm not trying to find a lawyer and draw up paperwork in a week while also working #i don't think it's even legal to ask to see someone's will? like what the fuck? #my parent's were being treated for stuff and we had to dig the wills out of my dad's files #nether one had an official power of attorney filed i don't think or medical power of attorney #like how is that your business when i haven't even met the doctor yet and may not even want to deal with your practice? #this thing where medical practitioners just assume you're going to go along with whatever they say is really irksome #like the ct scan place they're like you might be going straight to the hospital if your doctor says so #when at no time was i ever warned or given intimations that that was a possibility? #like what if i had plans? or a pet or a kid? like you have to let people know about things ahead of time? #especially if it's not an emergency?