#I dont feel satisfied or accomplished when finishing schoolwork because I know others will have done it better and responded better and im | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

magicalgirlpropaganda · 3 years

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Things that are hot and sexy (because i do them)

• being unable to cite sources no matter how long you spend on it or how long you try

• getting a boost of motivation to work but on the wrong thing

• actually don't mind doing school work and have a thirst for knowledge but hate failure and not having time to finish assignments

• "wow i can't believe i finished all my assignments for the week! So fast. I have time to study and actually perfect my work and get better grades" *gets more assignments* *cries*

• i can't meet my own high standards

• being so stressed because of mom that i have horrible mood swings and im in a constant state of rage and anxiety

• being relieved when my friends invite me to do things because then i see it as an obligation and im "forced" to go (even though they'd understand if i said no, i see it as an obligation for my own mental wellbeing)

• wanting desperately to help others but struggling to even take care of yourself

• i can do the work, i can handle the workload. But i can't handle the pressure of my mom checking my grades

• i know that I'm smart and i know that I can do it. Ive been working so hard and my work is paying off but i need my mom to trust me

• overeating due to stress and went on an etsy shopping spree. Had to force myself to stop "stress buying" stuff and "stress eating"

• my dumb little passion project went on hiatus because im busy. Which is fine but a bit dissapointing

• i love it here. I don't want to leave. I love the art program. The work is a lot but i love my classes and my friends and my life here. What if one day something horrible happens and i have to leave because its too expensive?

• everything in my life is going good but my mom stresses me out so much that it's no longer going good

• I'm sorry for being incompetent... Even on my medicine. I am much better off than before and i can actually think but. I can't focus and i often miss intructions on assignments unless i write down absolutely everything. Why am i like this?

• my high empathy problems are coming up again because im so emotional.

• i am fine on 6 hours of sleep a night now but i wonder how long that will last. I don't have enough time to sleep for 8 hours every night. And maybe its because i take too many breaks but if i dont take breaks, i can't focus and everything just because thoughts that don't make sense

• im so stressed. Please just let me get my work done. All i ask is to be able to just sit down, relax, get my work done. I want to do so well on the exam later this week that I bump my B to an A or just even a high B.

• at least i enjoy school. High school and before was... Much worse. I don't enjoy spending hours trying to find out how to cite very specific topics and i dislike that one of my professors is a big perfectionist and so i often lose points on assignments (everyone does) no matter how hard i try to make it perfect. And i dislike having to check canvas so often because its difficult to navigate and i swear they try to hide assignments from us. And i hate that i have so much work that some weeks i wonder if i can possibly get it all done. And i hate group projects and i hate writing boring essays. But i love my classes at least. And i want to do well. I will do well. I am going to make all A's if it kills me. I was a B/C student in high school with occasional A's. If i just studied more (i never studied), i could have been one of the best students there, i believe. I didn't study, but I'm glad I didn't because it didn't matter as long as I got ok grades and I passed. I enjoyed my youth (not that im not still young...not that those years weren't the worst). But now i have to make A's or at least high B's because I know i can and I have to prove to my mom that I can do it. Maybe if i get good enough grades, she will back off some. Then I can prove to her that i really don't need her "help".

• this is way too specific of a list

• i want a job. If only i had time for a job. I have a strong work ethic. Im a good little capitalist slave. Please give me mone- i mean. Work. Yeah... Work...

But I dont have time for a job. Im very thankful that i dont need one. But I need to grow up and get a job because it will help me in the future

• speaking of which....a job i applied for months ago just called today... A lite late, buddy. Im 2 hours away now.

• but god... I so want to work there. I hear its a great place to work and the owner is gay (aka, not going to be homophobic to me)

• i wish i had my suitemate/neighbor's life. Like loudly talking on the phone and slamming doors as loud as possible all day long? And she's an RA so she gets paid.

• im calling my mom soon and getting this shit over with. Also i have somewhere to go with friends tonight so we can kidna- i mean recruit ppl for the theatre club. Im no theatre person but i am there for my friend and to make props.

• i can't do it.

• but if i do this, ill be free....

• maybe a quick meditation beforehand. Maybe self hypnosis so i can emotionally numb myself for a few minutes... Idk if im experienced enough to do that yet... But I've been doing it for years so might as well give it a try

• have i really resorted to self hypnosis to deal with the stress of calling my own mother?

�� am i really so weak that even though everything is going well, something as simple as my mom calling to check my grades once a week makes me so upset that I cry almost every day about it?

• i know what she is doing is not legal. But what can I do about it?

• my mom thinks that im incompetent as well. That's why she checks my grades. She thinks I can't do it. She didn't even think that I had the ability to live by myself. I proved her wrong there.

• im working so hard partly because of her. So why does me working hard and thus not having time to call make her upset?

• it will all be over by tomorrow.

• perhaps calling her on the phone in a public space would be better. Maybe if she realizes that im not just in my dorm....

Luckily, my mom cares a little too much about social norms. She's used against me this all my life but perhaps it could be beneficial to me.

•thats right. I can just pack my stuff i need for my work. Then ill meditate for a bit and take a tea break. Ill go take everything to a public place with lots of people and call her then.

• i don't want to bring my friends into this, it wouldn't be right. But i wish that they would just sit next to me while I was on the phone. For emotional support at least. But i wouldn't ask them to do that, especially since we haven't known each other long. But i think it would make everything better if i had someone else to back me up

• people must be sick and tired of these posts. Im sorry.

• my mom says she's proud of me, but she doesnt act like it. She used to trust me. When i was 16/17, she would say that its up to me, my responsibility, that I knew what I was doing. Now, im 18. Why does she no longer trust me? I am an adult now. It doesn't make sense. I'm more responsible than I was at that age and im an adult now. It doesn't make sense at all, shouldn't she trust me more?

• i check my own grades religiously. Why is it necessary for her to do so too? What does that accomplish?

• i have an A, 2 almost A's, 2 low B's (but i know i can get the grade up and im studying hard to do so) and one C (it was an assignment that everyone did poorly on and another homework assignment that i did poorly on because I was exhausted). I know a C is bad but it's my drawing class. My favorite class. I do well in there and i think I'm probably one of the better peforming students in there. The C was just a small mistake and since we have more work in there now, getting that grade up will not be difficult. But i feel like all of my hard work just doesn't matter anymore. It will not satisfy her either way. Even if I had all A's, she would probably still be upset that I didn't have high enough A's. One of my professors says that she doesn't give A's on projects because "mistakes happen in art and you have to accept it".

• heavy workload... Im fine doing it but... I can't do it well with the amount of time I'm given. If i just had the weekend as well and not just the rest of the week. If i had just one full day more.

• this weekend will probably be dedicated to next week's work if i can do it early

• i can't call her. It's too stressful.

• im lightheaded just thinking about it

• i have every right to be angry. I have every fucking right to be angry.

• my day should revolve around schoolwork and studying. My weekends should revolve around taking breaks and light workloads. But every moment of every day revolved around my mom instead.

• and to think... If i lived in a place where college wasnt so expensive... Perhaps she would leave me be. Perhaps my grades would be so much better and perhaps I would be happy.

#vent post #rambles #long post #rambling

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a425app · 5 years

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Interview 02

How are you?

Umm im pretty good, pretty tired, had two nights that I stayed up but I slept last night, glad its friday

What were you doing?

I was finishing my paperwork for blackfish gallery. I was nominating to get into the blackfish gallery this summer. Had to make a CV last minute and working on jens stuff (A321)

What is your name?

Sohaina martitia

What is your age?

What gender do you identify as?

Female

What have you done today so far?

I just got up and showered and i was supposed to work on stuff but i just watched youtube and then came to class.

What are the things that have been on your mind today?

What's been the most enjoyable part of you of your day so far?

I went to get a boba smoothie. That has been the best part of my day cause I haven't been there in awhile and i like that place.

Is there something your looking forward too?

I am looking forward to a lot of things but I am very nervous about them. I am looking forward to them because they are great opportunities. Also looking forward to my family coming up because I am walking. That's all i can think of right now.

What is the most important thing that matters to you at the moment?

Graduating and surviving and surviving this term because it been crazy. Graduating and getting stuff together before graduating but i am not too concerned about getting a job right out of the gat.

Do you work? If so how many hours a week and what sort of job is it? / do you work on site or at home (or alternate location)

What are some things you like to do on the weekends?

I really like to read fanfiction, watch youtube, i dont really like going out alot so i stay home alot, so that been my life the last couple months. So ya those are the things i like to do.

Is there something you do on the weekend that you don't do during the week?

Mostly cleaning honestly because during the week because thats the only time I have to do it.

What is your living situation like?

I live with my roommate right now. Shes my bestfriend we moved out here together. Two bedroom apartment. I have been slacking so its kinda dirty. Somes me and my roommate dont actually get time to talk to each other because of our schedules. I would love to change that actually eventually.

Is your living space organized to help you accomplish your tasks or goals, whatever they may be?

Its organized but probably not to the best of its potential. I can find things where they are but sometimes I can’t find things. I would say its like midway.

If so, what does that look like to you?

If not do you wish it was?

What kinds of chores did you do during childhood/teenage years?I did alot because my mom is a single mom and she was a fulltime intructor at our community college. So when we came home from school there would be all these chores to do. I had to sweep and mop everyday. My mom and grandma really like a clean space because thats how they grew up. It was never spotless but as long as we did our chores it was ok. Taking out the trash, feeding the dogs, hanging the clothes on the lines, pulling the clothes off lines, fixing the couch, vacuuming the carpet, watering plants.

From child to teenager? Ya

Would you say you actively seek out new things to try?

I do try to seek them out it's just a matter of of going through with it. I do look for things but its like ‘do i have time to go and do it?’ I would say i do look for new opportunities, its just do i go though with them?

What are some of your goals for your daily life?

I really want to get healthier and i want to establish a more active lifestyle and a better diet. So thats been the goal for a long time o feel like cuz it hard especially as a student. You have a lot of stuff to do and no time to do it. That and also maintaining a cleaner environment cuz my room is quick to get messy, it gets disorganized easily and then i have to push it off. So i think like establishing habits that create a healthier environment for me and my body. So thats like my daily goal that i would like to accomplish.

What are some of your goals in general?

Career wise I really want to try working at a small to medium studio that focuses on movie-making or like film. I want to try that environment. Maybe even get an internship. I wanna find a place where I want to work (like do research for where/companies I would like to work at)

What are some things that make you feel proud of yourself?

When people like the work that I do cuz i dont like the work i do a lot so it makes me proud when other people like it.

What activities give you the most satisfaction?

Cleaning, cuz it feels nice to have it all finished afterwords. Having the kitchen all clean and stuff, that really satisfying for me. Also finishing a project and the product at the end is really satisfying. Maybe finishing a book.

What sort of things do you to relieve stress?

Mostly I watch lik shows or lay in bed reading fanfiction. Thats what i find myself doing the most. It really takes you out of daily life mindset, like surfing the internet or whatever. Its just very therapeutic

What is something you wish you had more time to do?

Work on my own art. I feel like i could probably make time to do that but its just really hard to do that. I feel like focusing more on learning the skills that I want to do. I have a lot of things on my list.

What kinds of things take up most of your time?

I think cleaning is a big one because sometime i leave things to the point where i need to clean it right now and at that point it takes a long time too clean it. That and schoolwork.

How do you feel after you have completed a task?

How do you reward yourself?

Freetime and doing the things I like , thats my main reward. And also food. I will tell myself that if I like stay up long enough to finish this work then i can go get mcDonalds or something. It probably not the best thing to do but its whats working for me right now.

How often do you successfully use these rewards to motivate yourself?

How much time do you take just for yourself?

I think I take alot of time for myself, especially since i don't like really going out and doing stuff outside of what i am doing now which is school. No time no energy

What are the most frustrating aspects of your daily activities/ day?

I am mostly just frustrated with myself when i don't utilize my time in a way i know i probably could have. Which is why i am such a procrastinator and leave thing to the last minute which is a big frustration. So i think my frustration is mostly myself

Time management and motivation.

What time of day do you tend to do your work/chores/ homework?

Do you feel like you have a good balance between work and personal life?

No. Like i was saying I dont do much. I am going to have to say no because i am a procrastinator so a balance is needed. I need that in my life.

How consistent is your schedule?

The only consistent thing is class time. Feels like i dont have a consistant order of things. Dont feelm consistant at all. Part of what contributes to procrastination

Can you describe a typical day for you from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed?

What time of day do you feel the most alert/happy

At night.

When does night start for you?

Evening hours around 5 and beyond. I like to stay up late and feel the most awake at night uless i am really tired

What do you think having a routine means?

Feel like routine are habits and consistency.

What are somethings you do everyday and every week?

Youtube

Do you have a daily/weekly routine(s) If so, What are some of your daily/weekly routines?

What tools do you use to plan or remind yourself of activities or a routine if any?

Mostly google calendar, make lists of things i need to do.

What are the things you put in your calendar?

Mostly big dates that include other people like my mom coming up for graduation or if i am going to meet up with someone. Really important dates that i cant forget, or even movie release dates that i really want to see. Big, big stuff that i have to remember

Do you ever keep track of what you have done during the day?

Only when i ave a list of things i have to do like homework. Dont keep track of things like if i have gone to the store

Do you think having a daily routine would/does benefit you? Why or why not?

I think so. I want a routine but its just finding a way to do it...just establishing habits that create a routine, like maybe getting up at a certain time and going to bed at a certain time. I feel like it would add a stability

Have you done any research / read articles about having a routine?

Definitely, like i watch videos. I have and i have tried some of them

How often would you say you search for things involving lifestyle: blogs, articles, magazines etc.

At least once a month, sometime it just coomes up in my f=feeed and i go down the rabbit hole

Would you be interesting in learning how to best establish and stick to a routine?

Yes, i would love that, that would be helpful

What would that look like to you?

I think it could be a list of things to do that help get you to your goal. Sometime i forget to do things because it's not a habit

Do you use technology for planning and/or reminders? If so, what are your favorite tools/programs.

I try to but has trouble investing the time to put stuff in the app or bullet journal and maintain. Its hard to keep up with it. Time and laziness

Why are those your favorite?

What are some of your favorite apps to use? Why those? How do you use them? How often do you use them?

Mostly instagram, youtube, calculator, spotify, netflix, hulu, dont really use my phone for other things besides those

If you could make a app for keeping track of a routine what would be some of the features you would want?

Customizable tasks and library of tasks, color coordinator, ability to print out a schedule, notifications to remind you.

Section for goals?

Yeah, I think that would be helpful, portion for short term and long term goals, ability to set aside time to work toward long term goals as well.

Have you ever failed to stick to a routine?

Yes,

If so, why do you think that was?

Forgetting and not wanting to do what i am notified to do, problems with motivation and willpower. Reward system to get motivation.

Do you have any medical conditions that you think might affect your ability to stick to a regular schedule or routine?

Do you think your profession has an impact on your routine?

To what degree do you think other people impact your routine?

At the moment not really that much.

Would you be more likely to do something if someone was holding you accountable?

Yeah,

If so what does that accountability look like?

If we came back in any number of years to have this conversation again, what would you like to be different?

I would like to have a routine.

More control over my life

Self control

Be more motivated

Stable financially

Is there anything I’ve missed that you would like to tell me?

Any questions?

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