#I'M SAFE. IM WHOLE. I'VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

iris-jaxx665 · 8 months

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Re: weight loss

At the justifiable risk of offense, because no one needs to be commenting on anyone else's body... I've been worried that including your weight and temp with your potd posts was related to weight loss.

Worried because that kind of monitoring can so very easily lead to other very destructive and maladaptive behaviors.

Your body is yours to do with what you want, but I'm hoping I can reassure you that unless there's some underlying medical condition that's making your weight dangerous, you seem absolutely fine. Even if you gain more weight, having fat on your body is not inherently unhealthy.

The whole weight loss industry... I could rant for hours. And hours more about how the medical industry supports it. How BMI is an inherently problematic metric, made worse by being decontextualized and applied in ways it was not designed for. How calory counting and the whole concept of specific calories per day is just whole cloth made up with no medical basis. I could just rant for days, but this isn't the time or place...

So if I may ask, from a genuine place of concern, does this come from a body image issue? Some sort of dysmorphia? Or maybe some outside influence leading you to believe you need to be thinner?

I've seen so many friends be devoured by weight loss. You seem like such a wonderful person and weight loss disorders cause such unnecessary pain and struggle. No one deserves to live under that kind of stress...

no offense taken, i asked for open discussion with the hope and plan to receive it.

including the weight and temp checks with my potd posts isnt weight loss related, though i understand the thought process there, its fertility related, as im cycle tracking and the basal body temp is supposed to be linked to fertility cues.

i spent a fair number of years deeply anorexic, and im always fighting not to resort to the measures i once took to take control of my body, as thats a large part of what it was for me as well as body image and dismorphia issues. ive been in remission and healing from those issues since recovering from my first pregnancy in 2015. and its been difficult.

currently this weight loss has medical impetus. i went to a cunt doctor in may for curiosity concerning my fertility, and He had me do about 20 blood tests. one of those tests showed that my cholesterol was insanely high, dangerously high. the doctors suggestion was lose some weight, be more active, cut out fats. so im trying to do so safely.

its also in part that i am unhappy with my appearance, just slightly. i know having some fat is healthy and better for my body than having none, i just feel that i have a little more than i would like. i feel lethargic about half the week, i cant walk for more than 30 minutes or so (in part because of my bad knee, which im also working on), and im unsure of what strain my weight may put on my bad lungs and my fragile heart.

i could rant just as long about the medical industry, bmi and weight, as it all concerns to women and how its fucked, but my foster father had a heart attack recently with 100% blockage (dumb bastard drove himself to the hospital) and that as well as his many cancers, my foster mothers heart/ liver/ kidney failures. its all scared me rather harshly about my own health.

thank you for your concern, currently i just want to lose a little fat and gain some muscle, so i can keep up with my Owner on long walks and hikes, so i can keep up with my future kids (if i can have them) for as long as they want me to, so i can have enough strength in my body to hold my grandkids one day. because i dont as yet feel that i could if i got the chance.

#me #thank you for your curiosity #personal rant

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thestarsociety · 10 months

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music thoughts w moonlighters i've been having recently

quinn + catabolic seed by the scary jokes

he.... the unrequited love vibes... the jadedness.... the vulnerability so intentionally hidden......

the what-do-i-say-what-do-i-say-what-do-i-say...... so real

(I'm safe, I'm whole, I've got it under control) My structure's compromised (I'm safe, I'm whole, I've got it under control) But you still batter at all my fault lines (And I will protect you even if you won't protect me too) I can't run, I can't hide, but you can't say I didn't try

is SOOOOO his internal monologue vs the persona he puts out.

kira + entropy by beach bunny

ok this is like a kira and bella are falling in love and kira doesn't know what to about it song

'Cause somebody's gonna figure me out It's what I am, it's what I was, it's what I wanna become Yeah, somebody's gonna figure us out And I hope they do 'cause I'm falling for you, whoa

ok specifically what i am / what i was / what i wanna become i can just IMAGINE SO VIVIDLY what i would do in an amv- it's like what she was (kind of a puppet for citadel) what she is (in this transitory period where she doesn't know who she is) what she wants to become (a hero!! a real one!!! and also gay and in love)

ANDDDDDD there's layers of secrets here!!! secrets from citadel - that they're even friendly in the first place. secrets from lou and quinn because of their distrust of citadel. secrets from their parents. they have this

and she can't just Tell people about this because of the person she's built herself up to be, but she WANTS to even if she feels like she can't. she wants to be "found out" so desperately just so she can be herself, but she can't bring herself to make that leap by herself. (but she's not by herself anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

im so normal about kira.

#also the number of times i've like FULLY sobbed to entropy is like. well over 15. i love that song #yellings #quinn #kira #birdsong

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eroticcannibal · 2 years

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Yknow what lets have some teenage dumbassery positivity. What shit did you get up to? How did you grow from that?

I did the whole piercing myself with an ice cube and sewing needle and I tell u what. Only did it once. Went to a proffesional every time after, very good life lesson.

I did so many of the drugs and got into a lot of unsafe situations, probably went too far on a few occasions and yes a few in my peer group did die, but I learnt a lot from it all. I learned about safe use, I learned first hand the ups and downs of addiction which has left me with a fantastic understanding of myself and my limits (I mean, I'm an ex alchy with a gin collection that I barely touch and I only ever have one double when I do drink. Thats the restraint my past has given me). The addiction program gave me wonderful opportunities. I've had my art in a gallery. I learned to fight in a way that suits my small frame and gives me an advantage. I learned a lot about self care, and that program was the first place that I learnt that sex for afabs could and should be pleasurable, and how to do that.

Now never had sex underage but I did jump at the chance when I turned 16. And I've been an idiot and had near misses which scared me straight. And then I was sensible and ended up with an STD and a pregnancy, because turns out contraception can fail and you can't always trust what your man tells you. Hard life lessons but I have no regrets about learning. I learned how truly resilient I really am, after years of thinking I was weak. I learned so much about myself and my mental health when I quit everything cold turkey, I'm talking like 6 different street drugs and high dose anti depressants. And I cannot even begin to describe how much parenthood has taught me and changed my life. Not only for my child but for myself. I can see myself more kindly. I was a kid. Its ok to mess up. I did my best.

Dropped out of college too and it took a long time for that to help more than hurt, and yes I'm still in a bad way emotionally, but logically I can see I am happier with the life I ended up with than I ever would have been if I'd stayed. I am trying very hard to be proud of myself for dropping out.

Shoplifitng is of course very sexy, no need to elaborate further.

And my criminal record may have caused me issues, but it was the catalyst for getting my system under control (definately not in a healthy way, but this is the safer way). The stay in the children's home really did a lot to repair me and my mums relationship, even if it was never good until I left home. I fucked up but im still grateful for the chance I was given and us being brought together again.

Honestly while the memories of my teen years still frequently hurt me, I have made peace with it. It made me who I am and I love who I have become. I am OK with the price I paid for the life I have.

#word of god

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void-galaxy-shenanigans · 2 years

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Umm hahaha hiiii!!!! I/we?? Have a question. Im scared to ask my doctor about did because we feel like maybe were just crazy and theres really only one of us and not two. Is this normal? C always fronts (we think) and shes good at supressing A who wants to front but C is scared shell ruin relationships since shes more confrontational and confident. We have no idea if this makes sense or not. Any advice? Also there might be a third but they were kindof shamed out by others.

Hi! Welcome to our page 😅

I've got a really long response, both to be thorough & to offer our templates / our explanation spiel, & to make sure I address all of your concerns to the best of my ability (/positive) - read this when you're ready, or in parts, or both (you know your needs).

~~~

This is absolutely normal, actually - I don't know if you/y'all have been told, but doubt & anxiety are actually a symptom of DID/OSDD-1, so when you doubt yourself it may actually be more hints you are a system. The questions of ‘am I crazy? is this real? are the others real’...we get them too. I know we talk on here like we're confident, but we often have to remind ourselves & each other that this doubt is normal. It's the disorder trying to protect you/y'all - because if you know you're a system, you have to deal with (1) the fact that you have trauma at all, which may unrepress memories (which is scary & painful), (2) increased vulnerability (some headmates are more easily triggered / harmed), (3) the stigma around the whole disorder, & (4) conscious communication (which sounds good, & it is, but it's also....draining? it's tiring.).

The disorder (DID/OSDD-1) only knows to help you survive through the same old methods, which is what makes it disordered (it can't adapt), but you & your headmates can adapt, so part of being a system is adapting & resisting the disorder’s urge to hide, forget, repress, relapse. You form headmates because of the disorder, but you have to fight what it views as The Only Safe Way™ to survive if you want to exist, be more aware of your system, etc.

As for keeping each other out of front, honestly that's how we began. Nico tried really hard for 3+ months (in 2020) to not split & not let anyone else front, & I'll be honest, it was physically painful after a while & he ended up mass splitting (splitting 100+ people at once - in this case 300 people) from the stress of fighting it. After that he realized he really didn't have control over whether he needed to split or take a break, so he's way better about it now.

It's normal to do, but not something you can do long term without hurting yourself (forcing yourself dormant, mass splitting, etc.). I don't know your specific situation & can't give expert advice but for general advice, let each other front. Suppressing/resisting hurts everyone, & if you're working on accepting you're a system too, not resisting is helpful (it makes it more obvious when you switch & people are able to be different &/or leave notes that you clearly don't recognize or remember).

As far as starting communication, we started with writing notes to each other. I know some systems still live with unsafe people when they find out (we still do), & if that's the case, find a journal, a lockable journal/diary, or an app you feel comfortable saving things into (we use Google Docs, under a Google account our ab-sers don't know exists) - anything you can lock or hide in some way, but that y'all have to get on/into regularly for whatever reason (so other headmates can see it). If you do live by yourself, any journal, document, etc. works.

Basic template we used for the notes is this: “Hi, my name is [name (nickname if you have one you'd like them to use)], I'm [age], and [I think I am / I am (based on your comfort, pick what's comfortable)] [role (a host/co-host, a gatekeeper, a protector, a trauma holder, etc.]. I'm ready to get to know [anyone else in our mind / our headmates]; introduce yourself when you feel ready.”

So, using my own, “Hi, my name is Caero Jinx (CJ), I'm ageless, and I’m a persecutor-protector and a trauma holder. I'm ready to get to know our headmates; introduce yourself here when you feel ready.”

You might have three or more & not even know them for over a year, honestly.

(When we found out we were a system (May 31st 2019 - we know because Alec stumbled across a TikTok video Sean posted on the 30th (he tagged his name & used a song Alec had never heard before)), Nico & Alec knew each other. Jack knew Nico, & got introduced to Alec. Sean knew Nico, Alec, & Jack. & that....that was it. For months. We found Valentino (Val) three months later, & his brother Jason with him, & then for a whole year that was all we knew. November 2020 we finally met more - Seth (Sean’s brother, persecutor), Carlisle (caretaker/caregiver), Zeno, Lowell, & a handful of others. We didn't even meet our own gatekeeper, Ward, until November or December 2020, a year & a half later (we weren't sure we had one - apparently he just doesn't trust easy & wanted to make sure we were ready). Now, looking back, we had around 26 frequent fronters (people who front frequently, but not necessarily co-hosts) & at least 76 people total, but we knew maybe 10 until year two.)

You may be a small system (with only 2 to 40 or so), or a medium system (40-90), or polyfragmented (over 100), & you wouldn't know yet. & that's okay. It all comes with time & this’ll get less overwhelming.

If you have anyone, a third person or more, that got chased out by shame/for any reason, they'll come back when they're ready (or when they feel like you're ready). It's not necessary to worry about it right now; you'll know more/know them when you're ready to know.

As for telling a doctor (or therapist), well....there's so much stigma & disbelief (people genuinely don't think we're real) that I wouldn't recommend it without “testing the water” first. Ask if they know of, have heard of, &/or have experience with DID/OSDD-1/systems (specify “it used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder” if they don't understand what you mean - most people will get it then). If they say “that's not real”, don't tell them (& find a better doctor who believes it's real when you can). If they say “that's super rare and almost no one has it”, don't tell them - they'd make you ridiculously jump around through metaphoric hoops to “prove” you're real, & honestly it's better to find someone you won't have to do that with. If they say “I've heard of it but I'm not qualified to/don't want to work with anyone who has it”, well, don't tell them & find a new doctor when you can.

If they say “I haven't heard of it” or “I've heard of it but I'm open to learn more”, that's a really good sign. If you have or find a doctor who says this, this spiel we made usually goes okay (you can build on/change it as needed): “it's a survival coping mechanism where a trauma victim survives through a mix of repression, self gaslighting, and separate identities. They repress trauma memories and any day to day memories that won't help them survive, and tell themselves the trauma isn't real and they don't have a disorder and they're not repressing anything. If a kid isn't traumatized or is able to process trauma with a safe community and/or a safe parent/guardian, the fragments that would've fused into one multifaceted identity get stuck apart by amnesia walls and they form into one or more multifaceted identities instead of one. Each of these people can have different ages, religions, hobbies, or any other part of identity and personality that non-systems have, and they each have a job that helps them keep each other alive. Together, they help the body and each other survive the trauma, and once they become aware they're a system they can communicate and work together. They can even have allergies other headmates don't have, or different severities or presentation of symptoms. They do everything they can to hide, so if they trust anyone enough to tell them, that's a good sign they believe the person they're telling has their best interests in mind and will keep them safe.”

Usually, when we frame it that way, we get back “so they're like different people in one body?” or “so all of them / all of you together form what I see as / think of as [body name]?”, & when you say yes, then they tend to be a lot kinder / more accepting when you say “so....I think I'm / I found out I'm a system” (or something along those lines). If they ask more general questions, you can try to answer what you know, & if they ask personal questions, keep in mind you aren't required to tell them details of your trauma, your systemhood, etc. or show them a switch to “prove” it, & only answer if you want to / feel comfortable.

If they need to know something specific — like a medical doctor might need to know ‘x is prone to fainting more than the rest of us’, ‘y has anaphylaxis with bee stings, but a doesn't’, or a therapist might need to know ‘b talks about su*c*de a lot but c won't actually let them so you don't need to worry that they'll actually act on it’ (we've needed to say that one), anything that would affect their job basically — then tell them that.

I wouldn't recommend telling anyone who you know would use it against you (anyone who's traumatized you, anyone who you know thinks mentally ill people are [insert ableist/cruel idea], etc.), unless your life seriously depends on it. & I'd be very cautious trying to tell family, friends, etc. & test the water (very similarly to above) first - & maybe don't tell personal relations (friends, family, body's significant other) until (a) you get professionally diagnosed (they may demand proof, & if so a diagnosis is a good friend) or (b) you've been on the journey for a year or more & you're sure you want to tell this person now. You know your limits & your people best, so you're the judge of who needs to know & who can wait, who you want to tell, etc.

It's painful to remain unseen, but prioritize your safety. It's more painful getting hurt by people who know & treat you like garbage because of it (we made that mistake ourselves 😕).

Overall, we welcome self diagnosis (getting professional diagnoses is an expensive pain in the butt & some systems won't be considered “distressed enough” by a therapist (it's up to their personal opinion) to get diagnosed) & welcome to this journey.

I hope our page helps you/y'all, & if you'd like to know more about system experiences, our journey of discovery, roles, etc., feel free to ask! We may seem intimidating, being a blog poster who openly embraces our systemhood (even when it's difficult & we don't always acknowledge it's difficult), but I promise we're not as scary as we seem 😅.

The journey may not be easy, but you don’t have to walk it alone.

~CJ

#did system #osdd system #plural system #multiplicity system #ask #asks #ask me stuff #ask me things

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fallingsunflower · 2 years

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obviously feel free to not post it but i need to vent a little bit and your blog is sort of a safe place for me. i really want to just enjoy my life and being in harry’s fandom and all these stuffs but my mind is just making it impossible to me. my ocd and overthinking is exhausting and it definitely shows for example in that aspect. i got a date for my harry show yesterday and i’m so happy about it but on the other hand i’m thinking too much. what if it’ll get cancelled? how’s this all gonna look? what if something will happen to me and i won’t be there? it literally came to the point where i follow my fav tiktoker who’s a harrie and i feel like i can’t copy her makeup tutorials or outfits inspirations anymore because her show got cancelled last year and what if that will make it happen to me? the same with holivia, sometimes i’m just having the most random thought and i’m overthinking it the whole day which ruins my mood and makes me upset. it’s pretty much about everything in my life but here, i’ll say it on the fandom example because that’s what bothers me a lot especially lately. sometimes im just anxious for no reason, i feel like something will happen and it gets even worse when i know that a few times when i did think so it became true. it’s just tiring, you know? i want to enjoy my life but my brain tells me that this will happen, that will happen and later i’m worried that by thinking about that thing so much, i’m gonna manifest it (?) it’s probably a wrong word but i hope you get what i mean. i’m sorry for venting in your inbox, just felt like i needed to let this out.

It's okay! You can vent. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Those feelings can be scary and definitely off-putting.

I've been dealing with some anxiety lately too. It's definitely tiring. I think the thing about anxiety that's so frustrating is that it's both physical and mental. It's one of the only mental disorders that affects both and you get trapped in this cycle - you get a thought that triggers your anxiety which triggers your heart rate to spike which further triggers your anxiety. It's an endless cycle.

Something that helped me was trying to realize what was in my control and what wasn't. I tend to get anxious over things I can't do anything about so I had to sit back and recognize that. But on top of that, I also tried to look at what I could change. Oddly enough, changing things I was unhappy with that I was in control of helped my anxiety with things I couldn't control.

My point is, you might find it helps to put your energy into other things that ground you and that you're in control of. This goes for the anxiety and the OCD, because guaranteed they're related. OCD is an anxiety disorder.

I have a thread somewhere too to help with overthinking. Not sure where it is but if you want me to dig it up I can. It might be under one of the hashtags down below but my tags never seem to work for some reason.

Just please know that everything that happens, like with concerts being cancelled etc, is out of your control. Your mind is trying to dictate your actions because it thinks you have a say in what goes on but you don't. It can be hard to recognize though so it's a frustrating mindset to try and break.

And I'm also sure "manifestation" isn't helping. That word circles around nonchalantly and sometimes it causes more harm than good. Scientifically speaking, there's no evidence behind manifestation (sorry to those who believe it - I'm speaking from my studies and unbiased facts).

I hope this helps a little. Feel free to vent whenever! I don't mind listening <3

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crystu-cii · 3 years

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OF COURSE!!!! I'd say you're hella close to it!!! Definitely closer than I am XDD 💖💞💝💕💝❤️💕💕❤️ A G R EED /hj XDD

Yeah ;w; oohh that sounds super interesting!! I can understand not pursuing a story tho, stories are d i f f icult-- XD fun, but difficult, and you need an attention span for them! (Why do you think I only write one page stories??)

OMS yessss that's so accurate tho-- like I haven't changed much if I'm being honest (I spend a LOT of time inside.. XD) awww-- I can understand that- in japan we didn't have a backyard, so I stopped going outside much at all-- occasionally I biked to convenience stores or walked to vending machines, that was cool, but no backyard :/ having no backyard sUCks, like where am I supposed to scream into the void?? INSIDE?? /j

OMS-- CRYS XDD what a Mood™ tho- "oh I'm gonna continue this thing!!" *does something else entirely*

XDD It was done Against My Will™ (get Against My Will on the album I Haven't Awoken Well Rested Since I Was A Child by the band The Bags Under My Eyes Aren't Makeup! XD) MOOD-- I spent the quarantine summer doing nothing but staying up until the sun rose and sleeping until it was at its peak- where did the time goooo

I AGREE HOW DARE HE- LIKE EXCUSE?? YOU TINY HEATHEN??? anyways now I'm trying to go back to squirting him with a squirt bottle to startle him(even tho he's a fan of water, the harsh spray startles him) but anyways thank you crysss I'm never getting a cat in my life now bc of this rude child (dogs are superior anyways /hj)

(and now time to reply to the OTHER ask cause I'm efficient and not going to send two separate asks to respond to things that can be responded to at the same time.. ....why did I even ramble about that wtf henry(huh I never refer to myself by name that felt weird))

Okay!! No worries dude, you can always take your time with replies, I just don't trust tumblr XD 💞❤️💕💝💝💖💕❤️💖 of course!!! Thank you!!! 💖💕💕💖💞💕

Oooh!!! That sounds super fun!!! Man I miss hanging out with my friends-- but my closest friend(lives in my neighborhood) has a parent who works in other people's houses, so high risk, and the rest live several hours away :)) but anyways yeah that sounds hella!!!! I love that y'all were just like "okay well. we're gonna hang out anyways." XDD

Aww-- I'm glad you are!! My brother and his bf were supposed to come but I think we have to postpone that cause someone in his workplace tested positive for covid :( YESS FOODDDD-- oooh cheesecake?? I've never heard of having it on Thanksgiving!! Usually we have pumpkin, cherry, apple, and pecan pies!! (We're having pumpkin and cherry ones this yeah!! Two pumpkin pies, a cherry pie, and a cherry cobbler--) I... Have never heard of pineapple pie in my life! Sounds like it would make pineapple-on-pizza haters burst into tears tho--

YOURE WHAT-- CRYS YOU HEATHEN IT IS NOVEMBER!!!!! /j I can't stand Christmas music, being a choir student made me not be a huge fan of it-- too much Christmas music.. ugh. (Straight no chaser is tolerable at least. And Pentatonix. And covers by artists I like. But if I have to hear Jingle Bells ONE MORE TIME--) YESSS BESTOW UPON ME THOU'S PRESENCE AND PRESENTS... Ooh nice!! Pfft XDD Yess- I have multiple on my wishlist-- mostly for the switch-- OMS I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T ASK FOR THSC-- MAYBE IM THE HEATHEN--

Okay, it's January 5th! Literally not even two weeks after Christmas-- Feel free to scream happy birthday at me :3 XDD now I'm curious, what's yours?

awhhh thank you ;w;; 💕💞💕💞💞💕💞

and legiT- and omg- also what i do a lot is thinking i have a story all in control but then i realise that i only focused on the main parts and nOT the transitions and all that shit and then i end up last minute thinking them- XDD and ngl one page stories sound SOO much better- imo- not just for writing- but for reading as well- whenever i go to see a fanfic I always read the ones that has one chapter- dunno how to fully explain it- possibly cause its satisfying to see a story actually have its end other than a long lasting series that will never end- XDD oneshots are my FUEL

buT WoW omg this topic has now made me realise how i barely go outside- XDD i wish there would be other thingd around my neighborhood other than a "park" that has DEAD GRASS and the sprinklers go off like every hour for some reason- duNNo what the builders were thinking but i guess i dont mind- i stay in my house a whOLELE lot xD

and YESS IT GETS ME EVERYTIME- "hey lets draw-" *-WRITES-* XDD AND ABHAHAHAHA (NOW ON YOUR LOCAL MUSIC STORES- XDDDD) and omG MEEE- the times i would usually sleep would be around 3 am to 6 am- ironically my mom has a more screwed up schedule than i do- and SHE STILL HAS- last night she told me that she hasnt slept in 48 HOURSSS- MaMAAA PLEASE SLEEP

GO AWAY CAT HEATHEN- XD and omG a squirt bottle of water yes XDD and awh i definitely understand now how youll not get a cat- sounds like a hecka pain ;0;; i never even had a pet before (or not that i would recall- oh wait i think i had fish but i have an embarrassing story that made my mom ban fish from the household- OH MAN the shame)

and yeahh oh man- i hope you are okay with all these topics XDD and thank you!! 💕💞💕💞💕💞💕💞

awwhh i see- i wish you can hang out with your friends without it being too risky! that reminds me of that one time where my friend said "hey so uh you guys can hang out at my house since at my parent's workplace someone was positive for covid" and then immeadiately after they were like "SO WE NEED TO GO TO ONE OF YOUR GUYS' HOUSE" and Im LIKE- UH- NOO??? nOt AfTEr you just say THAT- nuh uh- thankfully we didnt hang out that day- better safe than sorry xD

and omggg those pies sound AWWESOMEEEE- i always wanted to try pumpkin pie before but when i asked my mom that she was like "nO iTS diSGusTing" and im like "*visible confusion*" and lOwKEY SAME- pineapple pie just sounds a bit off but my mom was really hyped to make it xD i'd actually say its not that bad! but im still not a fan of pineapple so uhhh xD (aNd YEAH IT DOES feel like it would make those haters cry-- XDD)

and PFHAOHFA IM A LIVING HEATHEN- XDD omg at this time of year- it gets CRAZYY for me- first off- Tree is a true filipino- right when it was the first day october- youd hear them say "FUCK HALLOWEEN"(and id just whine to them like "BUT HALLOWENENENEN") and then their family set up a whole christmas tree and over-the-top decorations- and omg- if you hate christmas music- you would despise the philippines sO MUCH- when the FIRST day of SEPTEMBER hits- CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON ALLLLL THE STORES- it will drive you WILDDD ( yeah its actually a normal filipino thing- not that i ever went to the philippines myself at tHAT time of year- but my friends and family tell me all about it- filipinos are the true christmas maniacs XDDD)

and awhhh choir must be a pain ;0;;; that would remind me how on one concert- the beginners class of choir screamed on purpose even though they werent supposed to- the teacher got so pissed XDDD and YESSS PRESENTSSSS- and awh man- i actually dont own ANY consoles at all- so the only things i can ask for is steam games- last year for christmas i got just shapes and beats- which was WORTHHH

and oo YAY- now i shall mark that on my calander- XD and mine is february 7!

#the rambles of crystu

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pokefanbri · 3 years

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I still have all our convos thru text & messanger, i didnt even realize til now or even existence of the still there photo we took together on our 1st date lookin like 2 hot messes lol. Ive done the math correctly this time lol & actually looking at the calendar its another stab to the chest...3 and a half months under the same roof, but almost 6 months together in full...im telling u, it wasn't enough time 😔😭 makes me wanna slit my own throat.😫What the actual fuck!!!🤢🤮

he said this to me earlier this yr 20 days after I moved in.

"To answer your post on Facebook Some change is not bad leaving your comfort zone to better your self is not change it's the right thing to do for your body your mind controls. I've left my comfort zone behind and making changes that impact all around me if you can't see the work I'm putting to make you a better person that your missing the point why we are together to better each other I won't stop trying to make you a better person because I feel some type of way I don't feel about anyone else"

Isn't that what we do everyday, to be better versions of ourselves. We most definitely have changed for the better over time this yr, small amounts at a time...u cannot rush these things or force change onto another.. Though it starts with you for your own betterment, You can't make someone else change or be better if they're a bit stubborn to change little things that may be upsetting, but you can surely help them through it. One has to step into the shoes of the other & realize something isn't right...but how do u help or approach someone struggling with a problem..& bring them out of the darkness, being there for them, a simple hug or cuddle, compromises, a safe space to talk things out...taking action to help them heal is all thats needed. As I reflect on everything we've said to eachother.. I know he cares about me or loves me too at the very least..even if he can't bring himself to ever admit, I know its within and has been apparent many times. He may think he's not good enough for me, or I for him due to my own issues...but everyone has them, it doesn't mean your weak. If one is in a state of weakness the other is there to help them up & assure them that their stronger than they give themselves credit for. And the purpose of going through things good or bad together, learning what to do & what not to do..its all a normal part of the experience..it brings you personal growth & even bring u closer as you go, work out your issuse & become stronger together. When u love someone, u love them with all their scars & wounds, broken or damaged..& would do anything to bring them comfort & pick them up when they're down. This is how I feel toward him. Though I wasnt given alot of support myself, being next to him & holding his hand was all the support I needed most the time, he was my rock as much as I was for him. I was too wrapped up in my own problems to notice he had any of his own..though he hid them well so I had no clue. If u want to be better do it for yourself & it would reflect on those around you. And when you're with someone, you do it together with strength & determination to see it though til u make it through. Im strong without him but still so weak without my rock to guide me. With him I was free but still stuck in my own poisonous prison, it wasn't meant to be his burden too, & his onto mine respectfully. He was stuck within his own walls just as much. We both didn't know how to come out of our individual depressed stinks, incapable of giving we needed, we weren't equipped with the right tools necessary to lift eachother & lost sight of what was important..we quit bettering ourselves & got worse..stuck under 1 roof without much to do..our own personal cell....and not doing anything to help the other, we didn't know how. If I knew then what I know now, it wouldn't have been that way 100%. After a few months there was less trust & eventually we both got scared of what we thought of the other til it got under our skin & I could sense him pulling away. All we needed was to be heard, cared for...and genuinely loved. We were the best of friends the whole way through nevertheless, but we lost eachother in the end, heartbreak hotel ever since. My heart has been putting back the pieces but still burns for his 2,000 miles away. I feel we didn't experience a whole lot..& the story was & still is far from over. I cant help but feel this way, I just can't stop it...its not easy at all to let go of him when he's the missing piece. Its so fucking hard when ur heart is tethered to someone elses. And it hurts so much that I wanna die. But I cant give up, cause if I did he may too. Im lost without him. But even if he's not here beside me, even if I need his warm embrace to tell me im safe from the storm, ill continue to better myself..for my own growth, & for him. I promise this

We lost the battle, but we didn't lose the war. Keep fighting my King of darkness with all your heart & your Queen of light will do the same. I hope to God one day we find eachother on the front lines when the dust settles

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

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Rio & Indie

Rio: How did you even? Rio: Soz Bills but this is next level sorcery! Indie: nah man it werent no militant thing Indie: when your ride that crutterz whatever i did was gonna make it less clappin' innit Indie: plus your boy mad distracting 👌 i been knew Rio: Too real 😂 could hear me coming, like Rio: giving the boy racers a run for their money and I ain't even tryna hang, lads 😬😷 Rio: Idk how yous even managed it seriously but 👏 Indie: could here you cumming too bitch i knew i had time 😏😂 Indie: forreal tho you better not drag without me 👑 of the strip like so gimme them 2s Indie: thank me with that good 🎂 fore the sibs take every slice Rio: Ew shut up 😂 Rio: 'Course, babe Rio: Not racing for pinks now you got my motor so 🔥 tho Rio: Can have Ro's Rio: baby might want some of that taste sensation like but 🤷 Indie: tell yourself and your mans 👌🤐 Indie: yeah your whip is beast now if i do say myself after clocking in dem hours Indie: gotta hit drew with his share of that sugar cos he did help me source Indie: but unlucky younger you ain't getting yours 😂 Rio: PLEASE Rio: I know you ain't been hearing when I been trying so hard Rio: full time occupation keeping it 🤐 legit Rio: I love it Rio: That's good, nothing like bonding under the hood of a car right? Indie: is it? then how am i clued that mckenna aint the strong silent type that he is in the streets 😏 boy got some volume Indie: gurl we need more paper if you want that privacy cos thats how the walls be in this drum Indie: yeah? i love you bitch 💖 Indie: naaaah you kno he aint getting himself dirty like that with no oil or grease Indie: 💰 only Indie: & he took me buying off them travellers and DAMN how some of those lads be 😍 Rio: Imma pretend I didn't hear THAT 'cos I ain't about to share his secrets 😏 Rio: I'll work on it then 😜 Rio: Always gon' love you bitch 🧡 Rio: What a tart 🙄 Rio: Not you though don't be tryna give me grey hairs already gurl 😂 Indie: 😂 Indie: me too cos you the only 1 getting that work done free baby Indie: 💖💖💖 Indie: gotta look good for his fancy piece innit 🏥 Indie: catch me on site tryna get grabbed rn giving you all the alone time w mckenna you be needing Rio: Trust, feeling that special with it 💖👸 Rio: 'Course, not that he's afraid of hard graft or anything, nah 😏 Rio: Hold up on the heart attack you gonna give Ma Rio: 'cos about to both have all that alone time 🛫🏖 Indie: safe 👑 Indie: nah nah 😂 hardest working rudeboy in the 24 Indie: self titled drew innit tho Indie: ma can get in line cos how these boys are got me feelin i could have one of my own 😍😍 mines bout to stop on the words they say & them accents Indie: gotta play hard like my wifey do so i dont get vexed being here in this temp at this time Indie: stuck schoolin & hustlin like 😒 Rio: 😂 Rio: I ain't no snitch so I'll keep it on the dl Rio: but bitch knows her way 'round that site herself so 👀 out for her even if your 💘 is gone like Rio: Poor baby 😟😥 Promise it's your turn next, anywhere you wanna Indie: ✌✌✌ Indie: its chill ill party like its my bday & im legal Indie: cant keep a rudegirl down Indie: gimme the 411 on how mckenna did tho did he come through w your 💍 or nah Rio: Gotta have one on me, like Rio: wouldn't be polite otherwise 😋 Rio: [pics] Rio: Bitch, when I tell you I can't even Indie: 😮😮 bitch WTF Indie: how he out here doing it like that?? Indie: boy stop Indie: but like dont Rio: I know Rio: and you're gonna see where we're going Rio: it's ridiculous Rio: he's ridiculous Indie: 😍😍😍 Indie: and you dont want me on his friends bitch EXCUSE ME Indie: i gotta tap this demo Rio: I thought we was all about the travellers now? Rio: if I can't keep up with you idk how these lads stand a chance 💔😉 Indie: allow it Indie: not trying to get wifey'd by anyone else Indie: & no lad has said yeah to my 💘 yet Indie: hmu all of yous Rio: At the risk of sounding older than the 18 I'm repping now Rio: Enjoy the ride, babe Rio: way more fun Indie: 😂😂 Indie: this boy tho i need him 💰 or nah Rio: Gimme the deets then! Indie: i gotta go back & get em im pure 💘 from first 👀 Rio: You best hmu when you do Rio: just 'cos Imma be in paradise don't mean I'm not still mumsie Indie: if you dont hear then you know i been owned by my 😍 & hes some chief wasteman who just thinks he bad Rio: all been there Rio: and you know, can't be judging whilst you keeping my secret can I? Indie: ma please thats your whole job 😂 it is how my step be doin it like Rio: I'll let her cover it then Rio: be the cool mum we all know i'm destined to be Indie: is it? Indie: can you be cool & tell her to hurry up and drop so the baby girl can vex her stead of me Indie: living so dry rn Rio: You reckon that'll make her any cooler? Rio: Mumming even harder, just you wait babe Indie: 😒😒 Indie: tell her i got loads of mas then Rio: Bless Rio: least we're back on so you don't have to live with her and Drew, like Indie: 🙏🙏 foreal tho shes flatroofin me from afar i cant be running in that house no more Indie: dont leave me woman Rio: Promise Rio: that said, a bitch be packing Indie: not gonna say take me w this time cos i kno what you finna do w that boy Indie: 😏 mad jealous Rio: 🤐 remember Indie: trust Indie: if i go back for that lad tonite is that too hype? its been a minute since i was there but idk Rio: Nah, go for it babe Indie: ✌✌ Indie: garda better keep things jam cos i aint asking drew for a ride there Rio: Not the vibe getting your Da to take you to a dick appointment, like Indie: 😂😂 Indie: hes been in a weird vibe Indie: must be cos the 👶 is due soon Rio: Yeah? Rio: Know he ain't go as hard as mine but hardly new to the game Indie: first time hes done it standard tho Indie: still no excuse to get so high off your own supply tho Indie: idk man Indie: maybes hes having a midlife Indie: maybe shes just driving him how she do me Rio: God knows Rio: ain't your job to stress it tho Rio: leave that to them, like Indie: innit Indie: just dont let mckenna put one in you Indie: its a madness how she flips Rio: Err no chance Rio: I bet Rio: already highly strung bless her, then you throw a load of hormones at her, nah, I'm good Indie: you can rep that how you like babe but aint none of our parents tryna bring us & still we out here vibin Indie: least they wanted this one like Rio: Yeah but I've heard of birth control 🙄 Rio: You think she'll make him marry her? Rio: Get a dress, like Indie: how un 🍀 of you bitch 😂 Indie: yeah shes been after a 💍 since she landed back in his bed Indie: better not try and put me in no dress Rio: 😂 matching with your younger Rio: so cute Indie: allow it Indie: ill 🛑 that shit fore i agree that Rio: 😬 no one needs to see that Indie: or other mckenna snapping the day like she needs the 💰 Indie: wheres the peng one taking you then? Rio: fr fr Rio: Maldives baby Rio: I'll send you all the pics Indie: 😮😮😮😮 Indie: that boy gon kill me & i aint even going Indie: don't send me ALL the pics tho I dont need 👀 for what ive already 👂 Rio: this place gon' kill me Rio: i been some places but damn Rio: behave Rio: gotta pay for that privilege honey 💁 Indie: when you fam & she still tryna charge 😂 Indie: tax a celeb hottie aint that how & where they hang? Rio: You want that new drum babe Rio: 🤞 Indie: hells yeah i want that new yard for a 🐶 Indie: make it happen ma Rio: 💪 here's hoping there's a becks or some shit out here Indie: spoke like mckenna aint dropping that dime on you standard Indie: lookin & actin all 😇 Indie: 💸💸💸 Rio: Think asking for a new gaff is taking the piss though 😉 Indie: IS IT THO 😂 Indie: boy down to move you in if he coulda Rio: I don't think he down to be livin' in the 24 tho 😏 Indie: bitch you know id change postcode if i can party in his Rio: You'd hate it 😂 Indie: nah all dem rich rudeboys wanna slum it for a nite Indie: hmu lads Rio: been there done that Rio: 'less they upped their game Rio: not worth the plane ticket Indie: waste 💔 Rio: truly Rio: keep rinsing their da's, like Indie: if youd let me babe ✌ Rio: bitch, not you ⛔ Indie: jokes Indie: imma link my gypsy prince Rio: 👍 Rio: how many 👙s do I need Indie: how long he ticking you away from me & these ends for? Rio: only a week Rio: should be in school, like Indie: 😂 Indie: at choir practice or some posho shit like Indie: but forreal like you dont wanna repeat gotta keep the looks fresh and the game 🔥 Rio: 😂 can you imagine Rio: lawd Rio: yeah, fuck it, one for every day and a spare it is 😉 Indie: 👑👑 rep that Indie: you kno that boy gon be carrying more clothes than a store Rio: Well, he ain't dodging those extra baggage charges by putting shit in my case, like Indie: 💔 Indie: honeymoon off fore its on Rio: When I can't quit being a bitch 🤷 Rio: awks Indie: you bad & he loves it Rio: hope so Rio: don't need domestics in the airport forreal Rio: don't kill my vibe boy Indie: 😂 Indie: bitch like he could when youre ✈ maldives Rio: Yeah we both gon' put up and shut up for that view Indie: forreal gon be lush Indie: im vexed but stealth bout it Indie: save you that domestic baby Rio: We gon' brawl when I'm back? Rio: Okay, I'll prepare my best dramatics in my downtime Indie: depends how im vibin Indie: got my own plans for this week Rio: Aside from riding a gypsy or? Indie: thats day 1 gurl Indie: keep w me Indie: drew best not be trying to chill & ruin my empty Indie: brawl him no drama Rio: Do my best Rio: and if you change the locks on him, send us a key, like Indie: innit tho Indie: get to steppin man Indie: your drum be lavish use it Rio: When he ever there man Rio: how they found time to make this baby is impressive if not gross Indie: 😂 Indie: no shade but im shook she could Rio: Literally though Rio: could call her a medical miracle, might not clock the shade over the ego boost Indie: good she aint here cos im creased rn Indie: their life is mad jokes Rio: s'alright, she can take a good laugh at mine if she gotta Indie: please your life is bare hectic 💖👑 Indie: dont trip Rio: Doubt the Cambs med student turned super doc is jelly tho 😜 Indie: what she kno? shes drews piece & he still more about you 😂 Rio: Shut up Indie: ✌ Rio: You crazy Indie: he is Indie: for ya Indie: chatting at me about how you grown good Rio: He really is high Indie: you kno Indie: old man relax 😂 Rio: Nasty Rio: gimme my card and cash and begone Indie: gimme your slice of cake too drew cos you aint eating for two Indie: abs are welcome like Rio: 😂 Rio: sometimes i reckon you are Rio: you and ya tapeworm Indie: big love Indie: even if i am marv Rio: 🧡🧡🧡 Indie: keep me knowin & ill give you same back 💖 Rio: 'Course, goes without saying Rio: ✌ out lil one Indie: safe

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

Text

Indie & Rio

Indie: what the fuck Rio: he's told you Indie: why didnt you? i gotta hear it from drew when hes casing for you Rio: i hoped he wouldn't, not to save my skin but 'cos you don't need to know, or have that weird on you anymore than you do how drew has been behaving of late esp Rio: i'm sorry Indie: youre gonna try and step to me like this is his wrong Indie: nah youre only sorry he caught you innit Rio: he didnt't need to tell you Rio: it doesn't help you in any way Rio: i'm really not Indie: you know everything about me Indie: everything i do or dont Indie: i thought we had each each other Rio: we do Rio: i was trying to protect you Rio: there was no reason for you to know Indie: nah youve got mckenna & you trying to keep that Indie: i respect it but do i trust it or anything youre saying at me rn Indie: nah Rio: it ain't like that Rio: this doesn't change anything between us, it doesn't have to Indie: how it be then? Indie: how you dont love playing him & drew off against Indie: everybody wanting you Rio: no Rio: i don't love it and i didn't Rio: is that how he's framing it or is that just what you think Indie: thats how hes telling and hes the only one who is Indie: least to me Indie: allow it yeah? just stop Rio: nah because it's not fucking true Rio: why are you suddenly believing him Rio: what, i keep one thing to myself to keep you from the headfuck i'm in and suddenly i'm more unreliable than drew Rio: fuck that Indie: i cant hold this okay Indie: its too heavy Indie: its a madness Indie: i dont know Rio: I know Rio: it's why I didn't say anything Rio: swear on my life Indie: i need to be away from here Indie: if drews gonna be coming around for you then i cant Rio: he shouldn't be, i'll tell him to stop, i never asked him to, believe me Rio: i'll stay away from the flat too, its yours Rio: but if you go away, go to or with your friends, be safe please Indie: and go where mckennas mansion? Indie: is it? Rio: Indie Rio: I'll be with the fam, if you want to find me Indie: safe that you got that like Indie: you know Rio: please stop Rio: you do too Indie: i didn't fucking start did i Indie: never is Indie: im going along Rio: what do you want? Rio: really Indie: allow it man Indie: choices ain't for me Rio: tell me Indie: for? Indie: i cant make him be for me Indie: hes not gonna try and be fam to any least me grown Rio: i know Indie: but he don't lie to me Indie: thats you Rio: i never lied to you Rio: keeping you from hurtful things and uncomfortable shit is what a parent is meant to do Rio: not wallow in his own truth and the inadaquecy in it all and make you pay for it Indie: you arent my ma rio even if thats how he wants you for now Indie: how are you gonna be my sister & not tell me anything of how you are & what you do Rio: i know i'm not Rio: it's just one thing Rio: nothing else has changed, i've still been here Indie: i cant chat on this no more Indie: i have to go Rio: i'm sorry, indie Indie: everyones sorry for me Indie: leave it Rio: nah Rio: shut up Indie: you gonna make me now Indie: is that how its gonna be Rio: if i had any control over that, would've started and ended with drew, alright Rio: you aren't that though, never have been Rio: no charity, just love Rio: so don't be chatting that it's nonsense Indie: i feel it from you Indie: all the love like Rio: you should Rio: cos i do Rio: i'll do better Indie: but i cant Indie: i dont know how to make this better for you Indie: or drew better for anyone Rio: that ain't your job Rio: either of them Indie: it is tho cos hes from me & of me & thats that Rio: he's your dad, and a grown man Rio: also his own person and if he don't wanna fix himself or accept help, then he won't Rio: that's never your fault Indie: nah he aint neither & hes never been Rio: don't take on the responsibility he's refused his whole life, since before you or edie or any of this shit Rio: you can't carry that for him, but it's okay if it gets left where it is, you will be alright, we all will Indie: what else is he about to give me if not that Rio: i know Rio: shit is better than nothing, yeah? Indie: you dont be in the know how he talks to me Indie: what he chats about my ma or yours Indie: id take nothing over it Indie: the mans got jokes, you know Indie: real funny all of it Rio: that's all he's got Rio: why do you think he's with poor fucking ro? Rio: searching for something he reckons he lost but never had, when he's got a fucking kid and that's everything he should be giving anything and everything spare to you Rio: he's the joke Rio: and it ain't funny Indie: he shouldnt get to do her like that or any of them but whos stopping it Rio: I don't know, babe Indie: hes got more than one kid Indie: if your ma cant sort it what are the rest of us looking to do Rio: There's nothing we can do Indie: i cant have it like that when its my life Indie: my mas gone from me & hes looking to take you too Rio: that's never going to happen Rio: not if we don't let it Rio: there's nothing he could do or say to me that's going to change how much i love you Indie: its out there Indie: i dont get one sister already cos of how he be living Rio: He took her from all of us Rio: from herself Rio: and all we can do is feel helpless about it Rio: but we have to stick together, the rest of us Rio: and try for her Indie: i dont know Indie: i dont feel like anything is sticking rn Rio: if you need to go for a bit, literal and mental Rio: do it but i won't let you get lost too Rio: but sometimes its all you can do when its too much, its alright Rio: protect yourself first, that's all i wanted from the off Indie: you reckon you can save me but who will you Indie: mckenna aint the type Rio: I've got me Indie: and you trying to play that you dont lie to me Indie: okay babe Rio: I've got me enough to have you, yeah? Indie: when you slipping as much as me Indie: dont tell me yous down for any of drews ways Indie: all he say but i kno like Indie: he's tripping you Rio: I said Rio: I'll do better Rio: okay Indie: why you gotta be the only one tho Indie: thats what im saying Indie: it's dred on you Rio: 'cos if we're waiting on drew then it ain't happening Indie: youre level & we shouldnt need you to get higher Indie: i shouldnt be asking everything of you cos i cant of him Indie: its not chill Rio: it ain't just me, like you said, ain't your ma Rio: not like there ain't the rest of 'em Rio: we're family, it's what we do Indie: but you are Rio: babe Indie: ive got so much love for you & i want happy for you Indie: but thats not gonna be if i keep bringing him around Indie: so keep distant from me yeah Rio: If it's a choice of you or no you, I'm picking you, no matter who or what comes with that Rio: it isn't a choice to me, or a question Indie: but i dont want it Indie: thats my choice Rio: yeah Rio: okay Indie: ill go there with him and my step ma make it be something and just Rio: you know how i feel and where i stand, the rest is down to you Rio: if that's what you want Indie: its what needs Indie: a thing thats gotta least try to happen Rio: you don't owe him anything Indie: its not for him Rio: you owe me less Rio: all i want is you to be alright Indie: nah Indie: & theres gonna be a fam a younger for me Indie: i gotta do them how you have me Indie: make them alright Indie: its all going on baby Rio: okay Rio: do what you gotta do inds Indie: spy you out & round like Indie: when im not running from the feds thru new ends Rio: yeah, 'course Rio: stay safe and sane Indie: kiss mckenna for me Indie: boy so pretty id risk more Rio: yeah, don't push it, like Indie: only saying baby dont get elevated Rio: as if Indie: gotta live through your risks cos there aint gonna be none for me living under her roof Indie: so dry Rio: that's what you get when you get too elevated Rio: can't beat the 24 Indie: kids need boundaries tho innit my sib gonna be thriving Rio: yeah babe Rio: bet she's read every book about it, gonna ace mumming Indie: like you can go school for it Indie: staying sane gonna be a real stretch i feel Rio: the flat is always gonna be here when you need a break Indie: laters then hoe Rio: in a bit rudegal

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