#I'll be fine in another day I think

[mmollymercury]

Day 3 of feeling sick: had a bath, then a mental breakdown in the mirror over the scars on my face.

#self post #ramblings #Not the big C #Dw #Literally haven't been infected by that even tho statics said I should have #I literally think I'm immortal 😭 #My health is like... #It doesn't sound the best when I list off stuff #But I'm fineeee🤪🤪🤪 #⚰️⚰️ #Jk #I'll be fine in another day I think

[isfjmel-phleg]

Rebekah's social battery: 0%

#random personal stuff #working extra long today to make up for having to take this morning off #and then I'm going to a friend's presentation immediately afterward #but I think I'll sneak out after she talks so I don't have to participate in the discussion #the ability to say intelligent things is long gone #there's so much to do tonight and I think I'll have to cancel the usual social obligations #because I'd like to actually eat and take a shower and catch my breath #advice: please please please notify people well in advance before you come to visit and especially if you plan to stay the night #and be very specific about which day you're coming #was nice to see family but having to host people immediately after returning from a trip with no time to prepare has just about killed me #and now I have another trip including a presentation to prepare for #plus inexplicable nasal congestion for additional fun #it's fine I will survive this but right now it's a bit overwhelming

[bisaster-energy]

im not even done my current kuwameshi fic and im already getting ideas about new ones...

#kuwameshi #give me a sec i'll reblog later with the actual idea but like #WHAT IF UM KUWAMESHI BUT UM. PRINCESS BRIDE AU... #i also have another song fic idea but it's way sillier than the one i have on ao3 #based off you me and steve by garfunkel and oates #i got the idea cos i just remembered when yusuke got back from training with genkai the 1st time and instead of a 1 on 1 date with keiko #kuwabara is also? there? and it's just so funny to me like what. and then they're supposed to all 3 go to the movies together? #AND WHEN THEY GET THERE THE 2 BOYS DITCH KEIKO?? for a mission yeah but she doesn't know that!! #and then yusuke and keiko actually go on a date alone and it gets interrupted cos of younger toguro #and shortly after kuwabara shows up so it looks like he was bound to come across them?? #as far as a i remember the next time yu and keiko get together alone is the day he tells her to just wait and she's like im literally #not gonna wait for you <3 and it was so funny she just walked off lmaoo #anyway im trying to say i wanna make a silly little fic addressing the fact that keiko is like. pursuing her crush on yusuke #but kuwabara is kinda just. always there and it's fun she does like him but it's just awkward #planning on having her ask kuwa to maybe give her and yusuke some time alone like maybe just avoid their next outing #and kuwa is like oh damn :( ok good luck and yusuke shows up to the date and he's like woah wait. where tf is kuwabara? #keiko is like bruh. and she makes up some shit about him mentioning that he felt sick or wtv and yusuke is like ''then y are we here? #i should check on him. i dont think that guy has even been put outta commission by anything but my fist!'' and keiko just follows him #cos what else can she do. and kuwa is fine ofc and yusuke is like bro what gives i thought you were sick and kuwa is dense sometimes but he #catches on from keiko's desperate look and he's like well i got better *flexes his arm* and yu is like i knew you were too dumb to catch #a cold. and he's stupid happy that kuwa is fine and can come with them after all ''hey he's fine ya hear that keiko'' #and then keiko is watching this whole exchange eyes blown wide open and she's like actually i just remembered i have plans #you two should totally go without me tho and yu agrees so easily that it just solidifies that she made the right call #kuwa is looking back at her all confused and she gives HIM the good luck thumbs up. he gets as red as his hair and #yusuke is worried he really is coming down with something

[sysig]

Finally made it through (Patreon)

#Doodles #Here it is! Finally transitioning into 2024 doodles! Heck!! #A small handful to bid the year goodbye #Starting with trying to doodled something and it not going to plan so nevermind lol #Sucks too 'cause it was one of those shower thoughts that I got Really excited about and then every step ended up getting frustrated #Wanted to make a cover of a song and then the song had no instrumental-only version :/ #Okay well the concept was meant to be a fem cover of non-human characters - I'll draw up what I think they'd look like! No #Designs were underwhelming and looked weird :// So I gave up lol #Maybe another day! But not this day not when I keep being stopped lol #Only Christmas! Yes I wore the ribbons it's an important tradition and also I like cute in them #Ma got me some fine-tip markers so I had to test them haha - they scan a bit dark so I don't think I'd use them for scanned doodles #That purple is pretty tho I do like it #Was really excited about the gold but nahh oh well I still appreciate them haha #Oh and the tests were on my latest Blank Slate scratch page haha #I've set it down again for the moment but Ch. 4 is probably about 70% done! :) #Had a lot of fun moving pieces around hehe ♪ To no one's surprise Scriabin has painted himself into a corner #Might have a mini project/side project planned around Blank Slate at some point hmmm #Other than the fic itself haha #And finally seeing out the year - it's been over for a while now! #Always feels funny to approach it's end and ring in the new

[voidsaber]

#3 you can (not) redo

#eli vanto #thrawn 2017 #thranto #it's not even been one day my godddddd #listen. okay please listen friends. comrades. fellow hooligans. #i'm not going into your inboxes or leaving replies on your posts or anything #i'm not “calling anyone out” #maybe this counts as vagueposting and being aggressive or whatever idek. but like #it's just. #if you do an art. at some point you gotta be more conscious about your choices of colour palette #esp when depicting someone with darker skin #like at this point fine. you can think eli is “tan” if you want. live in denial. #but at least give him the damn melanin for it #colourism is a thing too yknow!! #you know this actually happened ages back in another fandom i'm in #and when i sent the artist a curious msg about it they were like 'o yeah i can see and i agree i messed up the colours on this one real bad #it's literally not that hard to just notice and move on and just try better next time #okay next time i promise i'll post the meme without any commentary okay i just. sigh. #white eli tag #hmmm maybe i should change the meme to read “whitewashed” as opposed to just “white” #that way it's a more accurate argument re colourism #hm hmmmm

[miodiodavinci]

okay genuinely i think this might be my favorite pv i've made in a long time purely because the aesthetic and art direction is Solid As Fuck

#i banned myself from doing my usual thing of adding flashes whenever there's a cool beat #and also restricted myself to sticking with solid unblended colors at all costs #it looks ! ! ! really fucking good to be honest ! ! ! ! #the art still inspires in me such agony but that's okay skdjfghljk #the art always inspires agony in me no matter what so i think i'll just have to live with it #as long as it's not another backwards fukase hand situation it's fine #(though if anyone is mean to me in the comments about it i will cry) #IN ANY EVENT . . . . #just need to do some fine tuning and i can probably get it up later tonight skfjgasdkj #and then i'm free to relax for like three days before irl things hit me with the force of a freight train sdfkghlksdf

[vse-kar-vem]

how to write vent post title that does not come off as self-pitying and or accusatory (because it's NOT !)

#sorry tumblr is like a diary to me idk what i'll do w this blog after i (sigh) inevitably move on #either way #im convinced everyone hates me again :3 but realistically no one cares about me even enough to hate me im just stupid and self centred 💔 #if anything me TYPING these posts is actuvely turning people against me #again with the assumptions that people care enough to read these 😭 fhskfbhsjfkg #i hate that i care so much what people online think of me cuz irl it's like. whatever #but here there are so many cool people who i admire and would love to be friends with im always hyperparanoid of everything i do #and still i manage to overstep and come off as annoying #like obvs you're allowed to hate me even if you're someone i look up to like that's your perogative #but i hate worrying about IF anyone hates me #oughgh this is easier irl because usually people send off pretty clear signals if they dont like you #but online (esp with how prickly this fandom is) i don't know whether im being insecure and reading into things or whether people just don't #like me (which again is fine i would just rather know if anyone gets it) #i figure art is the one way i can get people to like me 💔 which sounds kinda pathetic because irl i KNOW im liked and capable! #fandom has just become such a big part of my personality that i cant detach my self worth from it #and i do love art and drawing and such i hate that even if i know people my stuff EYE dont and it doesnt mean anything or act as a signifier #of my friendships #wow .... i really am my own therapist ..... i should shut up #the industrial revolution and its consequences (jofandom) #i think these posts are half self exploration half ... almost self harm? because sometimes im so derogatory about myself on purpose in a #'you're worthless' way. but at the same time it's cathartic and i always feel better having probed at my feelings and gotten them in order #not to do a complete 180 but it's MY post and JO LONDON IN *12* DAYS!!!!!!!! AHH i'm sooo excited if it doesnt live up to my expectations i #may cry a little. and there will be another vent post from me ! #sometimes i wonder if anyone actually reads these 😭 #vee rambles

[youremyonlyhope]

why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up

#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director #and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production #and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out #but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again #i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately #so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me #i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me #i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added #and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad #anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much. #but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great #but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else #but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing #and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us #and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing #and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more #especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this. #and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not. #and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING #and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine. #but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad. #because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented #if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that. #but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent. #and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt #i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried. #and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over. #i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help #and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh #brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.

[paging-possum]

Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....

#my art #gore #organs #its 2am so not a lot of this is going to be very coherent but this song makes me feel a lot of things about it all #like. its the Expectations #the expectation that im going to date men and the expectation that im going to date at all have always felt equally stifling #theres that feeling of not trying hard enough or not realizing it at first or trying to lean into what you're told you should feel #and having it not pay off time and time again and wishing you could just make it work #because everyone else around you has it just fine and you dont get why you're struggling with it so much #THERE ARE MORE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO IS WHAT IM SAYING #like obviously figuring out aromanticism is especially weird because its a lack of something BUT THEYRE PRETTY SIMILAR #realizing I dont want to date anyone mirrors realizing I didn't like boys but like. idk man its worse sometimes? #I wouldn't trade it for the world it means a lot to me but its almost like people go out of their way not to understand it sometimes #at the end of the day I am the you in that song #it was a very very long road to being okay with never falling in love because that was something I wanted for a very very long time #at the end of the day I will never have to be someones wife and I think its better that way #but its also hard not to get jealous sometimes #like I know its irrational I know I get physically ill at just the thought of being asked out but like #sometimes ill see my friends with their girlfriends and ill feel like clawing my own chest out with want #but also if anyone asks me out I will have to dig myself into a pit and never come out. I think. #I want to be with women but I dont want to Be With Women if that makes sense #its another layer of difficulty that I dont think I'll ever be able to get past #I feel like at this point I should just be trying to conditioning myself out of any form of desire because its just not an option for me #which definitely isn't true and like chappell roan says. you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling. #but its also so tiring to have to sit here with the feeling and feel bad for having the feeling. #I dont know #I think if I felt a little more or a little less I’d be fine but I’m stuck in the middle #it feels very weird talking about this openly but also its very difficult to talk about with friends because most of them dont get it #anyways something something Josies monologue from bottoms #im going to bed

[ya-gurl-emily]

order 86 Ratchet online to complete my tfp autobot cast*

shows up 2 weeks later, defective copy

have to mail it back (need a new box cause i don't have the actual one) wait for that to go through, then order him again from bbts at higher price

have to wait another month cause they hate shipping to ireland

#online shopping causes me nothing but pain #dude why can't there be better nerd shops near me #Dublin has a bunch but my spot has like 1 comic shop thats been selling bbm soundwave for like 2 years #gamestop sold TFs for a bit. but then they died so like. shit #Smyths usually has new stuff but they just skip out on half of studio series for some reason #probably cause transformers sell like shit #that section gets smaller every single day. it grew again when the movie came out but now its back to being tiny. #even then 80% of it is just shelfwarming movie toys. no wonder the mainline focuses on adults now. kids dont care about the brand anymore #also *“erm achtually i don't have Cliffjumper ” fuck you #That dude's on screen for 2 minutes and then he dies. I'll be fine without him #>coping because the only way to get him is a 110 euro 4 pack with 3 other dudes idc about #I'm not doing that. im already mad i have to buy tfp breakdown in a 2 pack. and thats including a 2nd guy i also think is neat #im mad he's a bulkhead repaint but thats a rant for another day #anyway uuhhh didn't expect to type this long. stay in school don't do drugs ok bye bye

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

Real quick PSA for the followers, just to make sure my positions are clear on some issues and to make sure I am not causing any unintentional harm (that devolved into a minor hiatus):

-If I'm intending to talk about something specific, I'll mention it, I promise.

-I do be forgetting that you all recognize me on both my A03 and my tumblr. It is surprising to me every time. I tend to be vERY flippant on here, especially in my tags. I think we have reached a point where I should be more careful lol. I am not used to having an actual effect, so if I have an effect you don't appreciate, or I say something hurtful, please please bring it up to me! Dms, anon, replies; idc, I'm always down for a conversation.

-I am not in the business of apologies I do not mean, and I certainly do not back down from my opinions, I think that's been fairly clear. So, if I apologize it's because I mean it, and that won't change.

-I make a lot of posts that are critical of fandom culture in a lot of different fandoms, and culture around specific characters as well. I want it to be very clear that unless I am directly interacting with another user, then the criticism should never surround anyone specific. I never want to direct hate ever, unless I'm tagging.

-If there are questions about the appropriateness of my headcanon posts in response to asks, that can be changed. I would really hate to be making my very small community uncomfortable. I had thought I was fairly clear on the blogs boundaries and what I think is appropriate, but perhaps I haven't been careful enough. Please feel free to address issues with me, or to block me. That is always an option of course.

Uh, that being said, I might take a couple days. I have used this blog for fun and friends since 2015, it's not my first time fucking up nor will it be the last. But, it's upsetting to me that my blog might be harmful to some (who I hadn't intended it to be harmful to, it's always been an active warzone for irredeemable character excusers lol, since 2015). The queue will go on as usual but no new posts for a bit while I figure out if things need to change. I'll respond to DMs tho, probably, bc I'm obsessed with my mutuals.

#rip to the finish the asks today mission I was on #i'll probably feel less bummed tomorrow hopefully #but i have disturbingly strict morals for some reason and it makes me upsetty spaghetti when i feel like i wasn't living up to them #but again; this is not aT anyone please god i'm simply wordvomitting #what i said got me here and that is my fault of course and thats fine that's a non issue #i just am now worried that i was being harmful before that #my therapist also named melissa is gonna love this #i have a list going of things i think we need to discuss and before today it was “i should be diagnosed with something” #“is it bad to keep peer pressuring my mom to get a new dog” #and “what does it mean that when my mom folds my clothes i have to refold them like marie kondo” #now we finally have a real topic lollll #that kid at work better not say everything is my fault when i make him wash his hands again i might loose it #that was a joke for claritys sake #gimmie a day or two to put back on the armor back on lol #i am moral and always have a clear well written and opinionated answer that i feel strongly about #and won't ever change my position on and everything i do is for the good of the oppressed #that armor #hubris is the ultimate enemy of self doubt #that is another joke #melissa og #melissa bullshit

[tokyoteddywolf]

22 isn't very much at all, I think.

#5am rambles #anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps. #you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown? #that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes? #that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old? #im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed. #you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out? #I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt. #i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years. #i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best. #I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out #first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay #cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything. #any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic' #so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden. #i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door. #sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems. #that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too. #ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day. #therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope #i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed. #emotions are so hard to figure out.

[foxydunsparce]

Put my vacation for no reason in the book today and wrote next to my dates "if I don't take this I'm gonna go insane and walk out" April 20th-29th here I come

#i have NO PLANS no trips no anything i just need a week #and then i got another week end of August into September #and then i got 5 more days to play with when i need i think I'll be fine?

[tenebriism]

Me: ayo wtf is this random chunky charge from Amazon? Me, remembering I pre-ordered FFXVI FOREVER ago, and it's literally about to be in my hands: Oh.

#[ i haven't even finished TOTK yet and here i am jumping into another adventure game so soon. #it's fine. i needed a breather from Zelda anyway. <3 i'll finish the last dungeon one day. #but i'm fortunate enough to have ffxvi release day off. and that will certainly consume me. #i think i already know who i MIGHT add as a muse... BUT... we'll see how their development goes in game. ;) ] #ooc ; out of character

[seventh-district]

wow!!! nothing better than watching your AO3 subscribers stat go down every time you post a new chapter of your current fic!!!

#/sarcastic btw. i am. Not happy about this recent development #Seven.txt #writing stuff #ao3 #like. don't get me wrong i do understand why and i can't fault anyone and i'm not like.. Mad. but it does hurt a lil #but alas. tis the nature of creating and posting things. not everything's gonna be received well and that's fine #it does suck to see a fic i put so much time and effort and love and part of myself into flopping so hard #not because i wrote it for anyone's sake other than my own #but i'd be lying if i said i didn't want people to enjoy the things i create. that's like. a normal and common desire #and i think i maybe killed it before it could get going with how i tagged it and the bigass disclaimer at the beginning #i think those turn a lot of ppl off that might otherwise read and maybe even find that they enjoy it?? #but i would rather over-warn ppl for the triggering and non-canon aspects than under-warn them and potentially trigger or upset someone #and i can't blame ppl that subscribed for some Other thing when they open their email and see a notif that i posted smthn #and it's a mile of upsetting/negative sounding tags for a fic abt a guy they either don't know or don't wanna see mischaracterized #and so of course they unsub and that's okay. it's okay. #anyways. enough bitching abt my fic not doing well. i don't have much room to complain! #most of my stuff is fairly well received imo. so i can stand to have a flop fic every once in a while. gotta balance things out lmao #the good thing is it's already fully written so the lack of engagement can't stop me!! there's no motivation to kill! it's done already! #anyways. i'll post a chapter a day as planned and then it'll be out of my system in a week and i can post other stuff again finally #next up will be an [N]MbD oneshot. then i'll finally post the Dew Ghost Band OCD fic. then another [N]MbD oneshot ehehe #and thennn ES Ch.5! fucking finally. i can't wait to continue that story #the Dew fic is a oneshot too btw. once AEIWNF is fully posted then the only multi-chapter project i'll have is ES. and that's Enough

[the-kipsabian]

im really just struggling at this point again to think that i can do anything with writing. or that im any good at it, that the things i make are any good or worth anyones time. that what little i manage to push out rn is even worth the effort of even making

#idk. i keep looking at the hanahaki and that bombed pretty well. just like everything before it #and yeah sure maybe i should give it a bit more than three days but in the hell scape of online its already been forgotten #ppl arent gonna find it going forward either if they havent looked at it already #just.. its not that just with this. its everything. it takes me so much to get writing these days and its just not giving me much back #i mean it makes me happy to create (i think) but beyond that its just a waste of my time and already limited energy i have #its just not worth it i think. who fucking cares #i know i keep saying this and then turning around to make something again just to burn myself again and repeat the cycle cause i never learn #it is what it is. i know i cant make people care even if i try. i honestly dont know why im trying #maybe i just really actually need to step away. like. for good #im just not good at anything maybe i'll get it through my thick fucking head one day #how its nothing but disappointments and misery one day after another. and almost always self inflicted. yay #sorry you dont care its fine im just sad again